Ansible N 30-100 (fantasy)ANSIBLE 30, November 1982: PLEASE NOTE that this old ANSIBLE is a bit of history. Addresses may have changed (though the editor's postal address hasn't), prices and agents' credits are invalid, the Prestel number is no more, etc. This issue was produced in my BWP or Before-Word-Processors era and lovingly rekeyed for the archives by MARK CHARSLEY ... to whom many thanks! Dave Langford, ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk, 1994. ============================================================= ANSIBLE 30 is the 30th issue of ANSIBLE (this has been the True Fact Of The Month) and is brilliantly edited (we had to run out of true facts sometime) by DAVE LANGFORD from 94 LONDON ROAD, READING, BERKSHIRE, RG1 5AU, UK -- telephone (0734) 665804. Subscriptions held stable despite rising costs for 6 whole weeks now: #1 for 4 issues anywhere on Earth or #2 for 8 if you like -- don't send more than #2, please. Sterling cheques/cash/POs to me, Girobank transfer to a/c 24 523 0408, $US equivalent to US agents Mary and Bill Burns at their *new address* 23 Kensington Ct, Hempstead, NY 11550, Euromoney to Euroagent Roelof Goudriaan, Postbus 589, 8200 AN Lelystad, Netherlands. Rush money if your mailing label, exquisitely crafted by traditional native Keith Freeman, bears a Politely Complaining Reminder (SUB DUE) or , worse, a Discreet Cough Of Forthcoming Severance (*****). All artwork by ATOM; all typos courtesy of Sperry-Remington; all interjections of `Have a triffic Christmas' by the editor and Hazel. Next issue in 1983... ============================================================= ### NOVACON 12 * BIRMINGHAM 5-8 NOV * JOSEPH NICHOLAS [Editorial bits in this typeface (here indicated by square brackets--1994) are interspersed with these highlights from Joe's 50,000 word draft Novacon report -- DRL] These days a Novacon is much like all other Novacons, held in the same hotel (Royal Angus) and city so that memories of them blur together and one has difficulty remembering not only what happened but when, and in which order, but also whether one enjoyed it... I didn't see anything of Friday evening's silly games and films, and instead seemed to spend hours running to and from my room to dispose of the mounds of fanzines everyone was giving out. Vague flashes of (in no particular order) Kev Smith telling me what a nice guy Ted White is really, Mickey Poland giving me a collection of BAOR photos of Lynx & Puma helicopters, Eve Harvey falling off a table and spilling her drink down my trousers (you may wonder what she was doing on the table in the first place. Me too), and Tim Illingworth giving me the number of the Cambridge room party, which I then forgot until Judith came to lead me away to bed and it was too late... [As usual Jim Barker was to blame for the silly games. What is his weird charismatic power, that at his bidding respectable fans will stand on their heads telling Irish jokes while miming 97-word book titles and playing the kazoo? I think we should be told. Novacon 12's programme was deliberately `slender', notes the Brum Group's own newsletter , fine for fans but `perhaps not for newcomers'. My own neo-ish desire to see TIME BANDITS at last was thwarted by scheduling that film to clash with Saturday's breakfast -- because, say my spies, `Rog Peyton doesn't like it.'] Judith was the star of Saturday's fanzine panel, nominally chaired by committee member Eunice Pearson, who was obviously too traumatized by the experience to say much. The discussion floundered for 15 minutes, with D. West in the audience growing visibly more bored: when he left (I imply no causal connexion) it suddenly got better. Abi Frost, also in the audience, clobbered panel members Christina Lake and Lilian Edwards over the artwork presentation in their fanzine; Judith clobbered Eunice for publishing a fiction fanzine at all, and kept talking for the rest of the hour, as a result of which she was invited to chair a similar panel at Albacon. Subtle moral lesson to be learned here... Afternoon brought another Phil Strick compilation of clips from Really Bad films, out of which Chris Priest walked muttering that it was too easy to get laughs from such material. Toby Roxburgh's `The Economics of SF Publishing' answered traditional auctorial moans with the publisher's moans instead -- given his quoted figures, it does seem mad to hope for any profit at all from publishing. `An excellent demonstration of why bumblebees can't fly,' said Jack Cohen from the audience; and GoH Harry Harrison, and Brian Aldiss, rose repeatedly to respond with tales from their own experiences. `The bumblebee is about to fly again,' reassured Roxburgh, plunging into the mysteries of inflation and interest rates: his talk was intelligent, amusing , and insightful, probably the best item of the entire weekend. [The Aldiss horror-story concerned Tom Maschler of Cape who bullied BA into abandoning HELLICONIA SUMMER to spend 6 weeks compiling -- with Margaret Aldiss -- an anthology of mini-sagas. The mini-saga forma [a 50-word title, no more or less -- see A27] was invented by BA and sparked a TELEGRAPH competition receiving 33,000 entries of which the 300 best form the anthology... which has now seized up thanks to furious copyright disputes between Cape and the TELEGRAPH, making the planned Spring publication a hollow mockery and leaving the Aldisses with, so far, a return for their labours of #0.00p. Logomachy continues. Watch this space!] After a gap (it's the drink, squire, the drink) came the auction with R. Peyton in fine form, flogging yards of Brian Stableford at #6-#7 the throw for GUFF, and I'd thought I'd have to pay people to take them away. Star item was a mystery package which went for a staggering #3.40 -- staggering when you realise that everyone else dropped out at the #2 mark, the remaining cretin (er... bidder) ignoring Peyton cries of "Stop bidding -- stop -- it's rubbish" while being given 10p bits by his friends to carry on and secure.. four copies of Eando Binder's NIGHT OF THE SAUCERS. Another gap (the drink, squire) and it was time for the disco (out of which Chris Priest walked muttering that he came to cons to avoid such mundane crap): I discovered that several years of not dancing had turned my limbs to wood -- Judith could bounce with the best of them while I had trouble even waving my arms coherently, until the rather inept DJ played an old Stones number and I too began leaping up and down, thrashing away at an imaginary guitar and landing on my head with every third chord. All I remember after is a fascinating conversation with Eric Bentcliffe about fan history and tradition, and, much later, stepping out of the lift en route to bed and tripping over a G. Webb pekinese. [But there was an uproar in the bar as famous Prof. Tom Shippey let down his lack of hair. "I liked your book on Tolkien," said your editor to Tom. "But I noticed a couple of mistakes," I continued boldly. "Aargh," I interrupted as Prof. Shippey seized my ear in steely fingers and twisted it round and round. Later, the highest brow in British fandom lurched on a trail of mayhem and molestation [Eileen Weston was reported to be deeply unamused] while fans soothed the bar staff with such unconvincing remarks as, "It's all right, he's a Professor of Mediaeval Literature..."] Sunday was the usual blur. I found time to watch CLOSET CASES OF THE NERD KIND, and HARDWARE WARS, two triffic spoofs which would have raised more laughs if shown in reverse order -- HW, it's irons and toasters and eggwhisks screeching through space on wires borrowed from Dr. Who, was obviously the cruder with less structure and impact, whereas CCNK had sophistication and a larger budget. Also on Sunday... D. West approached Judith asking her to become one of his groupies, making me wonder if he'd suddenly given up on pretty young men: but all he wanted was a drink. Geoff Rippington handed me a heap of VECTOR review copies containing a James Michener novel so heavy and so horrible that I had to run away and hide it before everyone started laughing. Judith did not appear to lead me to bed, having returned to London to face the dread spectre of work on Monday morning, and at some godawful early hour of same I fell asleep in a corner of the bar, waking to find Tony Berry had decorated my hands with a red felt pen and was just about to start on my face... I had a good time; roll on next year. (JN) [Since I too left early, it seems unfair that I should have to insert coverage of Sunday Night's award ceremony. The Nova awards went to Rob Hansen (fanartist -- rumoured runners-up Lyon and Barker), Chris Atkinson (fanwriter -- r.r.u. Hansen and Ounsley), and Hansen's EPSILON (fanzine -- r.r.u. ANSIBLE and TAPPEN). Kevin Smith gloated at length over the power of his Nova recommendation in the progress reports. The COFF -- Concrete Overcoat Fan Fund -- trophy went to the fake Bob Shaw, who had precognitively donned a three-piece suit and tie to accept it. He got 62 votes; runners-up were Steve Green (56) and just about every other British fan, down to folk like Joseph (2) and Martin Hoare (1). Even I got several votes after annoying ******* ******** at Channelcon. Artshow award to Fangorn [Chris Baker]... DRL)] ### WITH ROD & GUN THROUGH THE SAVAGE WORLD OF SKIFFY THE BSFA (LTD.) ON THE BRINK: A Final Notice to the directors of the BSFA has come from the jolly Registrar of Companies, who speaks soothingly of overdue annual returns and accounts, of directors' (ie council members') personal responsibility, of fines up to #1000 all round... `I can sort it all out,' said ashen-faced company secretary Kevin Smith, leaving Novacon hastily and prematurely... MORE THREATS have been arriving on Faircon committee members' doorsteps, from Golds, solicitors of Bob (fake) Shaw (who says he got the idea from Duncan Lunan). Since the Fairconcom folk were `party to a fraudulent pretence whereby our client was wickedly misled into diverting his considerable effort and energies into this event' (ie. since the committee failed to come to heel when instructed by Bob to jettison chairman Joan Paterson -- see A28), they are now being threatened with proceedings unless they cough up #300 apiece, or possibly #300 between them. The legal term for this is, I believe, `trying it on'. Our Bob has meanwhile issued a preliminary Faircon 84 Progress Report which rather mysteriously requests `presupporting memberships' at #5 a head -- presumably a pre-emptive strike lest other members of the Faircon 82 committee get ideas about carrying on to run the 1984 event... CANADIAN SF & FANTASY AWARD: voted in some manner not described in the release, the single annual award can be (rather bizarrely) presented for a story, novel, antho, mag, artwork, film or litcrit item -- 1982's went to Phyllis Gottlieb for her novel JUDGEMENT OF DRAGONS and also for lifetime contributions to SF. Meanwhile, the egregious Spider Robinson constantly demands to be made eligible for the CSFFA on grounds of Canadian residence (while refusing to abandon the advantages of US citizenship)... BEN BOVA left OMNI some while ago, a news item so tedious that I forgot it until reading in PATCHIN REVIEW 5 that `when LOCUS printed Ben's report that he'd RESIGNED, many people were confused and surprised -- not least, at OMNI...' MAXIM JAKUBOWSKI, overlord of `Zomba Books' (to be launched in Spring or so), will be publishing all manner of strange things -- eg. a Moorcock nonfiction work under the mysterious Zomba imprint `Bee In Bonnet'. Maxim's Allen&Unwin fantasy anthologies LANDS OF NEVER/ BEYOND THE LANDS OF NEVER (June/Sept 83) are now closed, with stories by (his ordering!): Langford, Silverberg, Kilworth, Holdstock, Pollack, Jakubowski, Ableman, Ballard, Chant, Chilson, Horwood, Lee, Gaskell, Salmonson, Carter (not Lin), Evans (C), Tem, Grant, Aldiss and Watson. EXTRO POST-MORTEM: Paul Campbell tried recently to collect the #1100 or so owed him by Seymour, the distributors, for copies sold. He reports a phone conversation: "Seymours clerk -- `Yes there is money here for you. No, I don't know when it'll be through. Give me two minutes. (...) Yes, there's money there alright. But they say down in accounts that it'll have to go up to the circulation manager for decision. I'll check with him. Give me two minutes. (...) Dear me, but he says you won't be getting anything. In fact you might owe us money. That's a joke. No, whatever you get it won't be worth waiting for. You know how it is when you go broke. (Whine, whine) It isn't my fault.' That's the bare bones, fairly verbatim. Scandalous, criminal; but verbal, unwitnessed and unpublishable. They followed up with a statement of account saying YO HO HO, LOOK AT HOW MANY COPIES OF EXTRO WE'VE JUST DESTROYED. I've a sneaking suspicion that when I've got round to sorting out all my accounts, I'll find that Seymours destroyed more copies of the magazine than I ever sent them... Lots of sympathy cards, by the way, but none with large cheques from millionaires saying I'VE BEEN A FAN OF SF SINCE I WAS A CHILD. WILL THIS HELP?... Know anyone who needs a reviewer?" (PC) ARTHUR C. CLARKE WRITES: well merely his secretary Paul Heskett. "Granada's proof copy of 2010: ODYSSEY TWO was bloody appalling, littered with mistakes and PAINFUL to read. Del Rey have done a far better job... ACC says `it's the best thing I've done': from personal experience he's said that about two other works of his. Frankly, I was disappointed with 2010. It has some inspired moments but the characterization is weak." ANSIBLE found some super misprints in the final Granada edition, like `feather' for `feature' and `intelligent' for `unintelligent'; the book's weakness comes partially from the fact that 2001 ended on the brink of Truly Cosmic Developments which no sequel could quite deliver -- 2010 scores such planet-busting points as it can and for want of a better ending stops rather abruptly on another and more familiar brink. (Less disappointing than FOUNDATIONS EDGE, wherein liberalized Asimov modifies his Politically Unsound Imperial Goals to the extent of converting the Foundation trilogy to a chronicle of misguidedness.) Also to hand is "the most important thing I've ever done" (ACC), a speech to the UN committee on Disarmament -- subsequently entered into the US Congressional Record -- calling for a `Peacesat' International Satellite Monitoring Agency to promote global togetherness. Meanwhile ACC would `like to go back to Russia'; Russia may be less keen, 2010 being part-dedicated to the persecuted physicist Sakharov... JOIN WOOSTER AS HE STALKS THE STREETS OF NEW HAVEN WITH THE MEN WHO MAKE YOUR NIGHTMARES! Thus the US newspaper syndicate ad for Martin Morse W's World Fantasycon story, now released unexpurgated: "800 attendees. Winners of `Howard' awards included: NOVEL LITTLE, BIG (perhaps in gratitude for Bantam Books providing con attendees with free copies), NOVELLA `The fire when it comes' (Godwin), SHORT `The Dark Country' (Etchison)/'Do The Dead Sing?' , LIFE ACHIEVEMENT Italo Calvino... A cross between a Nebula Banquet and a Worldcon, the con had 100+ pros in attendance, including marginal fantasy writers like historical hack Morgan Lllweyyn (CONCEIVABLY LLEWELLYN? DRL), Ronald Reagan's Favourite Novelist: `Hey don't hold it against me,' she says. High points included the preview of CREEPSHOW, an unmitigated comedy of grave-robbing, birthday cakes and supernatural comics, and the Ace party, which metamorphosed into a Berkley party at suspicious intervals. Here everyone's favourite midAtlantic fan, tastefully black-leather-clad Mr. Charles Platt, proceeded to shake up a can of beer and douse Miss Ellen Datlow, Hero Fiction Editor, OMNI, with foamy brew. As Mr. Platt was given the boot by Susan Allison, Savage Lord of the Berkley Empire, Datlow was overheard to say: "I think we won't see Platt's work in OMNI for QUITE some time..." Also overheard: `Yes, I liked HELLICONIA SPRING, but it won't even be nominated for a Nebula.' `Why not?' "Look at the cover. It's got a 16th century painting on it, and SFWA members won't vote for things they can't understand.'" (MMW) Alexis Gilliland, recently praised in the WASHINGTON POST as a writer of Bureaucratic SF, refutes Mr. Wooster's A29 "assertion that I am the THIRD WSFAn (A as in Association) to win the John W Campbell Award, after Sucharitkul and Chalker. Martin who aspires to be a fan-historian, is incorrect. Chalker was nominated in 78 and 79, but did not in fact win the award..." (AAG) RABBIT HOLE is the mind-numbing Newsletter of the Harlan Ellison Record Collection, containing several words about records and whole pages covering HE's amazing acts of philanthropy, huge advances, failure to get LDV into print, remaindered books for sale at vast prices, etc. -- ostensibly written by Shelley Levinson, Director of the Collection, but in prose strangely reminiscent of HE himself. After all, who's better qualified to eulogise Ellison than...? IMAGINE TM, conceivably pronounced `Imaginet'm', is the British TSR TM mag about D&D (R): assistant editor Paul Cockburn TM is offering up to #30/thousand words for related fiction (but ask first), subject to such constraints as the appalling TSR TM CODE (R), a document written by Gary Gygax + warning that (e.g.) no TSR TM publication may depict the defeat of authorised law enforcement officers. Register your name as a trademark and contact TSR TM (UK) Ltd, The Mill, Rathmore Rd, Cambridge, CB1 4AD. Launch in Spring (R). [OMITTED: TWO `ATOM' CARTOONS OF ONE FAN IMPARTING HIS OPINION OF A BOOK TO ANOTHER FAN. CAPTION OF 1ST: IT'S THE LATEST BRUNNER... ALL THE AMERICAN SF AUTHORS IN IRELAND ARE STRUCK DOWN BY AN ALIEN VIRUS. CAPTION OF 2ND: IT'S THE LATEST HARRISON... ALL THE SF WRITERS IN ENGLAND ARE ATTACKED BY A MYSTERIOUS FUNGUS!... ] ### FENCON :: CAMBRIDGE 16 OCTOBER :: JUDITH HANNA It was an upstairs, downstairs sort of con. Real stairs, not lifts. Upstairs on the 3rd floor was the main hall where important events were held. Downstairs (1st floor) were the bar, bookselling tables and a smaller programme area. In between were cafe and coffee lounge. The 200 members distributed themselves more or less randomly among the levels. Highlights... The Celebrity Panel, with Brian Aldiss on the trauma of having some idiot bump into his car en route, Charles Platt opening up his heart to us all and frankly confessing that he'd returned to SF because he'd discovered while interviewing for WHO WRITES SF that "I really liked all these people... I just love you all out there... Quote me on that." Asked about the recent fantasy upsurge, he suggested it arose from `nut-cults' of the 60s `hippy revolution'. Fred Pohl disagreed: "Books are written by individuals, not the times," a reasonable-seeming assertion which however implies that writers aren't affected by the times they live in. Nick Lowe expounded `The Well-Tempered Plot Device', a theory which bids fair to rival the Thentis factor in critical discourse, opening with a round of `clench-search' (4 people hold 4 Covenant books, on the word opening them at random and start skimming in search of the word `clench' -- the game seldom takes long). A plot device is of course something like a Ring of Staff of Law: a device which gets and keeps the plot moving. There are also `plot coupons' -- wishes, special gifts, red kryptonite -- which may be brought into play like wild cards to get the plot moving again when it's ground to a dead end. My own contribution to this theory is that trading-in plot coupons is like playing Finchley Central -- the longer you delay, the more finesse. `So You Fancy Yourself A Writer', chaired by Steve Knight, with contestants Joseph, Colin Greenland, Phil Masters and Geoff Ryman, was a game in eight rounds: invent a first sentence, a last sentence, padding, bluffing, overwriting (Colin: "This beer is so tasteless that given the chance it'd watch CROSSROADS"), retitling (the Bible -- Colin: "Universe of Shame"; THE SEX GOBLINS -- Joseph: "Micro-servants of the Wankh"), alien gastronomy, last and by no means easiest a complete SF story in eight words (Phil: "And God said, `I don't think I'll bother.'"). One of the best con games I've seen, but hell to score: with all contestants within .01 of a virtual Smartie of each other, J. Nicholas was declared winner. There were three particular eccentricities: the Space-Time Masquerade -- 4 devilishly complex pictures providing clues to where and when one might catch the `Fenc' -- someone did figure it out and wore a placard proclaiming `I found the Fenc' for the rest of the day; there was `Spot the Wandering Alien', later admitted to be an entity which transferred between committee members when they came into contact, the clue being a sideways jump. Spotting Spot was confused by local CUSFS members settling in circles on the floor to play Sprodzoom, a game which required them to perform numerous alien contortions. Yes -- it is possible to work up a con `high' in just one day, and it debilitates the fannish organism less than the usual weekend-long immersion. Fencon was a good thing. (JH) SCIENCE FICTION UNLIMITED: Brighton 23 October a collation of reports from Joseph Nicholas and distinguished by typeface and indenting, David S. Garnett. Another ANSIBLE first... DG: Brighton Museum are holding an exhibition imaginatively titled `Out Of This World' during October and November, and in conjunction with this a one day seminar/forum/whatever was held in the Royal Pavilion -- which is an old building near the sea front which ought to have been pulled down and replaced with something useful like a multistorey car park, but probably never will be because it was built by some king or other. (No he didn't build it himself. He had this gang of Irish labourers , but he got all the credit.) JN: Drawing about 200 people, it was held in the William IV room of the Royal Pavilion, a perhaps incongruous site for an SF event ... At 10.30 there was supposed to be a talk on `Dan Dare and His Creator' by Paul Clark, followed an hour later by `Saviours From Space -- or Cosmic Conmen? The Enigma of Alien Visitors' a talk by Hilary Evans of the Society for Psychical Research. I missed them both. Judith and I arrived late, missing chairman David Pringle's welcome and the first 15 minutes of Hilary Evans's `critical survey of the various types of contact that are claimed with alien visitors'. Critical it certainly was: Evans is concerned as much with exposing the fraud and self-deception surrounding such phenomena as with convincing us that there may be some truth to them; his lecture was devoted to both the absurdity of the purported aliens' behaviour and the quasi-religious fervour with which `contactees' expound their experiences. Such literature, he remarked, tells more about the psychology of its writers than anything else -- for them it's science fact rather than SF. For us, it's not even SF; but in passing Evans drew attention to a story, `The Green Man' (AMAZING 1946), which is the prototype of all contact experiences -- silvery cigar-shaped ship, beams of energy which stop car engines, a glowing visitor who tells a lone traveller that he's been chosen as the aliens' Earthly representative. Another brick in the wall of SF's past misdemeanours, eh what? Another audiovisual presentation followed: graphic designer Paul Clarke on Dan Dare. This started well with an account of the strange genesis of the EAGLE and the working practices of Frank Hampson's team, but declined into interminable gosh-wowing over an equally interminable succession of slides as Clark's enthusiasm got the better of him. Nostalgia suffused him, superlatives fell from his lips... Personally I think it's time the Dare enthusiasts stopped simply eulogising their hero and made way for sociologists and anthropologists to decode the strip's subtext and demonstrate how and to what extent it embodied the hopes and fears of British Society in the 50's. During the lunch-break there was time to visit the museum exhibition. I didn't quite manage to get there, but I'll quote a couple of Famous People "It's very pop -- Daleks, K-9, movie stills, R2D2, lots of antique toy robots, lots of Dan Dare stuff." (Colin Greenland) "Lots of paintings from Rob Holdstock and Malcolm Edwards books" (Malcolm Edwards). Colin opened the afternoon proceedings, and he should have been speaking on the `The Meaning of SF' , and that's what it might have been, as I arrived just as he was finishing. (The night before, Friday, was a mate's last night in the UK and we went out for one or twelve drinks. I know there were at least five pubs... And so Saturday morning I leapt out of bed bright and early, then went back to bed again; got up, threw up, retired once again. Third time lucky and I succeeded, drawn by the promise of an INTERZONE cheque waiting for me in Brighton.) Colin Greenland spoke on `Multiplied Visions: The Meaning of SF', contending that by virtue of the different perspectives of ourselves and our world that SF offers it is capable of enhancing and multiplying our visions of same -- and demonstrating that SF is so ramified and multiplied, and has become so integral a part of our culture, that it's now almost impossible to speak of a `thing' called SF. I sneaked into the Pavilion's William IV room around 3.20pm. Or I thought I sneaked in, but I'd been spotted by the eagle eye (the left one I think) of chairman and FOUNDATION supremo D. Pringle, who pointed me out to the assembled throng (around 100) as a pretext for advertising INTERZONE. Must have worked, as all copies were sold and I even had to surrender one of my own which young Malcolm had given me wrapped in a cheque... I did see the next talk, which was supposed to be John Brunner talking about John Brunner -- and wasn't. Or not much. John is mellowing. John Brunner, the fourth and final speaker, delivered a short anecdotal piece on his early days in SF... the day closed with a short film called THE TOM MACHINE, made by a National Film School graduate, with almost the same theme as Dick's TIME OUT OF JOINT. The performances are a little wooden and the revelations somewhat cryptic and drawn-out, but it's an excellent, unpretentious film which should go down well at conventions. All in all, it was a good and enjoyable day. I wonder if anyone's thinking of a similar such seminar next year? (JN) The best Brighton SF event was back in May '68, as part of the Brighton Festival, when they invited the whole NEW WORLDS crew down for 2 days. There were about 20 people on the stage and a similar number in the audience (which included Ted Tubb and Ken Bulmer). On Saturday night everyone went to Henekeys... but got thrown out, which could have had something to do with pouring drinks from the balcony on the multitudes below. Tom Disch threw his drink in the manager's crotch, and when the police arrived he got in the Black Maria as he said he wanted to be arrested. We all wandered off to another pub, The Heart & Hand and Brian Aldiss ordered 20 halves of bitter, and there was change out of a pound note. Those were the days! (DG) ### FROM OUR OWN CORRESPONDENTS... PETER NICHOLLS: "Old much-loved and much-loathed girl friend and ex-fiancee Janet Pollak gave birth to a 5.5 week premature baby Thomas weighing in at 5lb 4oz three weeks ago (letter dated end Sept). I have temporarily (only) moved in with her to give moral support by being kept awake every night. The child is clearly mine, as its saturnine expression and grotesquely huge big toes makes quite obvious. I am hoping to bring him up to be a pawnbroker, or to work in some other substantial money-making career. Anything other than writing. "Multimedia flourishes in the usual rackety manner of packagers. Haven't got round to commissioning anything from you yet, and maybe never, because of insistence on big names. Big names captured so far are not really suited for a good 5-a-side team -- Harold Evans, Peter Medawar, Sir Edmund Hillary, Bernard Dixon, Frank Barnaby (the latter two being more your middle sized sort of name). Am currently working on Lord Lever. Everybody loves a Lord. Once you are Lord Langford (with 3 lovely daughters if possible) all sorts of doors, including my own, will open to you. Love and kisses -- " IAN WATSON: "How quaint of Brian Aldiss to figure (in A29) on a certain letter in TRIBUNE, a political newspaper, which was of course the point of the letter. Now who was it who wrote to FOUNDATION, journal of general criticism, a while ago in a vein of bile to browbeat `this stroppy little man' Brian Stableford for presuming to criticise that visionary socialist tract ENEMIES OF THE SYSTEM and to puff another forthcoming long political novel by the same author which might likewise be in danger of maltreatment by the humourless, hubristic bindweed? Oh yes, I remember. Brian Aldiss himself. Don't do as I do; do as I say." JOYCE SCRIVNER: "DUFF candidates this year are Alexis Gilliland, Charlotte Proctor, Jan Howard Finder & Jerry Kaufman. It should be a great race. "I found Chicon exhausting -- collapsed during the Hugos and wasn't seen again 'til Monday. On the `Two Ocean Fanzine Panel' (J. Foyster, K. Smith, T. White, I & J.H. Finder) we played `keep the mike from Jan', shouted `DIM, DIM, DIM!' while holding a JLAS sign, and with Kevin's help were absurd. At Plergbcon the next weekend Kevin revealed his camouflage green jockey shorts while four women massaged him; Peter Toluzzi (DUFF winner) revealed black silk bikini shorts while five women worked on him; the infamous group shower incident followed..." (More!) ### THE ANSIBLE CONVENTION SUPPLEMENT FENCON (p.3) has happened, but Lilian Edwards also sent a report: "...It's no bad thing when the worst criticism levelled against a con is that the programme was so good; people kept having massive identity crises over which items to miss. It was indeed the basic excellence of both the conception and execution of the programme which made the event so cohesive and friendly; most people spent most of their time in close proximity... Some mention MUST be given to the So You Think You're A Writer panel, where C. Greenland became an instant star with his SF-story-in-less-then-8-words (ALIENS DISGUISED AS TYPEWRITERS? WHAT NON-); the Ultimate Questions panel where scientists and philosophers vied to explain the Mysteries of Life, flummoxing the entire con with the deceptively simple problem of a man trying to get past his mirror image in a narrow doorway (try it); the Total SF Quiz, simply the funniest ever devised, whose cosmic absurdity was reflected in the result being decided by the number of orange Smarties each side ended up with... No real plans for a Fencon 2; we live in hope..." (LE, cut by DRL because JH got there first). Only Brian Aldiss was less than enthusiastic about Fencon, apparently only because of its all being over in a single day. CYMRUCON (27-28 Nov, Cardiff) will be happening, or over, when you read this: having utterly failed to produce any progress reports, the committee has apparently subsided altogether (22 Nov), leaving `GoH' Lionel Fanthorpe to rush out apologies to all other guests for the con's mysterious inability to print guests' urgently solicited stories and articles in the programme book. Good grief... SANTACON (14-16 Dec, Leeds Dragonara) purports to be a Trekkie/media/humour event: SAE to 10 Langford Rd, Heaton Chapel, Stockport, Cheshire, SK4 5BR. FAANCON would theoretically fall in February 1983, but it seems that no one wants to organize it: this tiny no-programme event has probably has probably outlived its usefulness thanks to today's rash of conventions. Bye-bye, Faancon...? RA CON (4-6 Feb 83, Grosvenor Centre Hotel, Edinburgh): GoH Harry Harrison, FGoH Pete Lyon, #4 supp #8 att; 77 Baron's Ct Tce, Edinburgh, EH8 7EN. ALBACON II (1-4 April; Central Hotel, Glasgow): 1983 Eastercon. GoH Jim White & Tanith Lee, FGoH TAFF delegate (don't forget to vote for Avedon Carol before the 18 Dec deadline), toastmaster D. Langford (wow). #4 supp #8 att to 1 Dec, #5/#9 to 20 March, #10 att thereafter: c/o B/L 8 Highburgh Rd, Glasgow G12 9YD. SOL III (27-30 May, Grand Hotel, Brum): 15th -that's XV, folks, not III -- official Trekkiecon. GoH J. Doohan, W. Koenig, A. McCaffrey, B. Shaw. SAE to 39 Dersingham Ave, Manor Park, London, E.12. BECCON 83 (29-31 July), Essex Crest Hotel, Basildon): GoH Ken Bulmer; #3 supp #7 att to 191 The Heights, Northolt, Middlesex, UB5 4BU. SILICON 7 (26-29 Aug, Grosvenor Hotel, Jesmond, Newcastle): membership #3.50 to, er, well, even Mastergannet Harry Bell doesn't know Sue Hepple's address -- he advised me to ring Kev Williams (0632-375713). I did, but he wasn't in... CONSTELLATION (1-5 Sept, Convention Centre, Baltimore, USA): 1983 Worldcon. GoH John Brunner, FGoH Dave Kyle, $10 supp, $30 att now, $15/$40 Jan-July; Box 1046, Baltimore, MD 21203, USA. 3450 members as of mid-Oct. This is as good a place as any to bury some stuff on the Hugos (did you notice that in A29 I forgot to mention LOCUS'S 1982 Fanzine Hugo? Well, well): ConStellation is being urged by George Flynn (leader of Business Meeting and Rules fandoms) to take up its `spare Hugo' option -- the committee can add a category to the Hugo ballot for its con only -- and adopt the additional Semi-Prozine Hugo. This was actually voted into the rules at Chicon, but requires ratification at ConStellation. It isn't, as common sense might suggest, an attempt to acknowledge the current situation by retitling the "Fanzine" Hugo: it provides and EXTRA award for "semiprozines", defined as magazines meeting two of the following criteria -- [1] printrun over 1000; [2] pays contributors/staff; [3] provides at least half someone's income [4] at least 15% full of ads; [5] calls itself a semiprozine. In other words, instead of muttering about the wicked, evil LOCUS and SFR getting all the Hugos, fandom will be able to mutter about a different selection of malefactors, possibly beginning with wicked evil FILE 770. I submit that the whole idea does not make very much sense. We all knew that there was no justice and that huge-circulation fnz could always woo the unthinking hordes of Hugo voters. Now the biggies are exiled to the semipro category, and Real Fanzines have their chance to be voted on by... well, actually, the same enormous hordes of Hugo voters, most of whom won't have a clue. Which doesn't stop them voting even though "the voting population is at least 1000 to 1500 while most decent fnz have circs of 400 or less." (JERRY KAUFMAN) Quite. Voting will probably reflect circulation even though circulation -- conceivably a measure of, say, novels' or magazines' popularity -- has nothing at all to do with fnz quality. In addition the new rule produces extremely silly anomalies in the fanwriter and fanartist categories: exactly what sort of artist is Alexis Gilliland, for example, who mostly draws for SFR? There doesn't, you see, happen to be a semipro artist category... Piffle, piffle; the fan Hugos were silly enough before, and this amendment makes them less logical and more divisive (perhaps not in theory, but certainly, I think, in practice). X-CON (2-4 Sept, Belgium): Beneluxcon 83. Approx #3.30 supp #7.15 att -- SAE to Ken Slater, Fantast (Medway) Ltd, 39 West St, Wisbech, Cambs, PE13, 2LX. UNICON 4 (2-4 Sept, U of Essex, Colchester): GoH `Unconfirmed', FGoH Ken Slater, Special Guest Garry Kilworth; #3 supp, #5 att (#6 from Jan); no official address to be found, but probably c/o Alex Stewart, 11a Beverly Rd, Colchester, Essex, CO3 3NG. The shifted date (since A29) was caused by U of E double booking. THE CON WITH NO NAME (17-18 Sept, Leeds Dragonara): no idea what this one is, but MATRIX reports a high committee turnover. GoH Dennis Spooner (who he?); #10 att to Leeds Rd, Liversedge, W Yorks, or maybe 111 Chestnut Cr, Conisboro', S Yorks. INVENTION (23-25 Sept, Central Hotel, GLasgow): replaces Faircon for 83. GoH Chris Boyce, FGoH Jim Barker; #5 supp, #9 att to Easter -- memberships to 10 Woodlands Gdns, Bothwell, Glasgow, G71 8NU. MILFORD (UK) Writers' Conference: 25 Sept to 1 Oct almost certainly. Ask me. GALACTICON (??? Oct 83): planned mediacon, esp BLAKE'S GALACTICA -- weird flyer asks #2 but looks outdated; con may well have been cancelled; anyone know? FRANKFURT BOOK FAIR (12-17 Oct, Frankfurt) -- not relevant for most of you, but this is the time of year when your favourite publisher may be hard to find... NOVACON 13 (4-6 Nov, Birmingham): #7 att to 46 Colwyn Rd, Beeston, Leeds LS11 6PY. Once again there are rumours of a possible venue change to the Grand Hotel ('Rog Peyton doesn't like it'): most of the people at Novacon 12 were in overflow hotels, inevitably, and many were eager for a change. But who knows? ORWELLCON 83 (11-13 U of Antwerp): GoH Anthony Burgess. IRC to A Vermeghenlon 21, Bus 20 B-2050, Antwerpen, Belgium. Odd year for an Orwellcon... EASTERCON 1984 (20-23 April, two bids): SEACON 84 is the chosen name for the Brighton bid which plans to combine Eastercon with the 1984 Eurocon (see flyer this issue). A small steering committee has been selected from the millions of former `Committeepeople'. The 1984 World SF Meeting will be held in Brighton from 17-19 April if Seacon 84 succeeds... #1 pre-supp to Pauline & Chris Morgan, 39 Hollybrow, Selly Oak, Birmingham, B29 4LX. ||| 1984 CON is the Blackpool bid, also full of worthy folk (NB: Pat Charnock, fearful that A29's phrase `Linda Pickersgill replaces Pat Charnock' might imply ugly rifts, wishes it to be known that she [Pat] merely resigned owing to lack of time). #1 pre-supp to 28 Duckett Rd, London, N4 1BN. ANSIBLE will carry a 1984 Con flyer when they do one that fits! ### COA GEOGRE [sic] BONDAR, 33 Ragstone Rd, Chalvey, Slough, Berks, SL1 2PP ||| MARY & BILL BURNS [see masthead] ||| JON COWIE, Flat 63 Rm 29, Castle Irwell, Cromwell Rd, Salford, Manchester [to June 83] ||| DAVE LOCKE & JACKIE CAUSGROVE, 6828 Alpine Ave #4, Cincinnati, OH 45236, USA ||| KEN MANN [temporary] c/o B. Smith, 60 Crofton Rd, SE.6 ||| HELEN McNABB, The Bower, High St, Llantwit Major, S Glam ||| DAVE MONTGOMERY, The Flat, Tankerton House, Basingstoke Rd, Spencers Wood, Reading, RG7 1AB ||| CHRIS PRIEST & LISA TUTTLE, 1 Ortygia House, 6 Lower Rd, Harrow, Middlesex, HA2 0DA [Devon House now sold] ||| PETER SINGLETON, Eliot Ward, Park Lane Special Hospital, Maghull, Liverpool, L31 1HW ||| JOHN SLADEK, 13 Elmsdale Rd, Walthamstow, London, E.17 ||| MARTYN TAYLOR, Flat 2, 17 Hutchinson Square, Douglas, Isle of Man ||| remember to notify COAs to me! ### INFINITELY IMPROBABLE "WHEN YOU WRITE THE BOOK, IT'S A VIRGIN" explained D.M. Thomas to ESQUIRE. "Then when it sells, it loses its virginity. It's the OFFWHITE hotel now..." Oh. DMT's next one is about "a contemporary Soviet poet, torn and divided emotionally and politically... he travels to Armenia, meets a blind Lesbian, and spins tales of an imaginary voyage to America which will complete a Pushkin fragment." (MMW)... FORTHCOMING PUBLICATIONS: Chris Atkinson and Linda James both plan to perpetuate the species next year, Linda taking peculiar pains to target the birth for Bob Dylan's birthday... WORLD SF has voted that its International Standard Subscription should be quoted in Swiss francs ONLY -- despite not having a Swiss bank account. Fearlessly I reveal the official UK equivalent, #7 to 2 Cowper Rd, Cambridge, CB1 3SN, bringing the limitless benefits of 1983 membership, such as newsletters telling you the subs in Swiss francs... ELITIST CONSPIRACY spreads further through the world of letters! -- conveys Colin Greenland, winner of 2nd prize in FICTION MAG short-story comp. with a `new wave' skiffy tale. Meanwhile David Pringle begs a plug for INTERZONE 3, containing 4 extra pages and some interior art at last (nobody will tell me what obscure collective sublimation is responsible for the picture of Peter Nicholls being strangled on p.7). IZ apparently has some 850 subscribers but sells many more copies -- print run 2-3000... ARENA is the provisional name (assuming Geoff Rippington and some other party fail to complain) of Hutchinson/Arrow's new upmarket Picadoresque pb imprint -- the first two titles when it's launched in Spring will include THE AFFIRMATION by C. Priest. The upmarket and KingPenguinish cover is a great disappointment to those who hoped it would follow Arrow tradition and depict, say, a garishly spacesuited man clutching a luminescent football... RIP -- John Gardner of GRENDEL fame (in a motorbike crash); Frederic Dannay of `Ellery Queen' fame (the other half of EQ, Manfred B. Lee, died in 1971: SF relevance is of course that 3 `EQ' potboilers were ghosted by Jack Vance, plus `major' EQ novels by Sturgeon [PLAYER ON THE OTHER SIDE] and Avram Davidson [AND ON THE 8TH DAY; 4TH SIDE OF THE TRIANGLE]); STANTON COBLENTZ of 20s/30s pulp fame... MALCOLM EDWARDS rises to new power on April 1 (h'm) as THE Gollancz SF editor -- John Bush is stepping down from both that role and the Gollancz chairmanship. Tremble, fans, and obey... REMEMBER THOR FIVE! Peter `peter pinto' Pinto and Derek `Dark They Were And Golden Eyed But Not Any More' Stokes are operating in Lancaster as `Interstellar Master Traders' (selling SF), the latter playing a minor role partly because of "people's unwillingness to accept that dtwage's limited liability company status should not apply to the money THEY were owed when it collapsed" (PP). The Shaw/Craig `Photon Books' empire in Glasgow has now become `Future Shock' (Craig) and Second Foundation' (Shaw, who thinks he's ahead on acronyms if nothing else)... DUFF: as per Joyce Scrivner's note (p.4), the new US -> Australia race is on. Voting fee $2 min; deadline 31 March 83; address J. Scrivner, 2732 14th Ave S Lower, Minneapolis MN 55407, USA OR P. Toluzzi, PO Box H143, Australia Sq, NSW 2000, Aus. Ballots: ask them or me. AUSTRALIA AGAIN: Douglas Adams has been publicity-touring, plugging LTU&E and yet again explaining to huge audiences the supremely intellectual processes which led him to 42 as all-time funniest number (THYME). It has come to ANSIBLE's attention that some obscure hack called Lewis Carroll has made similar play with Mr. Adams's number (cf. ALICE; HUNTING OF THE SNARK [twice]): we trust that Mr. Adams will sue... Bruce Gillespie has published a 200,000 word reset reprint covering the first year of SF COMMENTARY -- in its heyday one of the great critical fanzines -- #25 to him at GPO Box 5195AA, Melbourne, Vic 3001, Aus. And tiny Norstrilia Press (one-third Bruce) has one of its books, THE PLAINS by Gerald Murnane, on the shortlist for the most prestigious local award `The Age Book of the Year': the book is `meditative fantasy set in an alternative Australia' (BG)... THE KID'S GUIDE TO PARENTS -- Jim Barker recommends this #1.95 cartoon collection which not only aids `Save the Children' (loud boos from Hazel) but also contains three masterpieces from a Falkirk fanartist whose name we have mislaid... APAs: Eurapa is of necessity a European apa, with 50-copy requirement, dues 10DM (=#2) yearly: Joachim Henke, Jahnstr.21, D-6551, Volxheim, Germany. Anzapa (Aus/NZ of course) has meanwhile blown its credibility by voting Our Joseph not only as Best Humourist but as President... BUG JACK BARRON (film version) is now said to have a $21M budget, incorporating that of the cancelled FIRESTARTER (watch out for a title change to THE BUGGING or BARRON'S LOT). (MMW) EUROCON 7: Marjorie Brunner reproves Ahrvid Engholm (A29) for complaining about Germans speaking German, and for not mentioning famous Cherry Wilder (plus a million other English-speakers) or the award to French mag Antares... AHRVID STRIKES BACK: "Swedish fan Eje Berggren recently went to a meeting called `How to make your children avoid mysterious and dangerous sects like Hare Krishna, Devil-worshippers, comics and science fiction'... Danish fnz FANTASTISKE FILM rumours that Steven Spielberg is in trouble -- US author Lisa Litchfield claims that the MS of E.T. is very similar to one of her own (the play LOKEY FROM MALDMAR) and demands $750 MILLION in compensation" (AE)... THE BEST OF SUSAN WOOD, an 80-page anthology assembled by Jerry Kaufman, should be ready now, proceeds to the usual good causes -- $2 plus postage (a couple of #1 notes would be fine) to 4326 Winslow Place N, Seattle, WA 98103, USA... OMNI FLASH: austere and remote Andie Burland writes to say that despite the `separate' UK edition's demise (reports of which were mistaken by some as indicating that OMNI would no longer be on sale here -- "sales are falling but not that bad"), she's still at OMNI, 2 Bramber Rd, London, W14 9PB, as `acquiring editor' looking for science bits and -- especially -- fiction for OMNI US... CON UPDATES -- already, since pp 5-6 -- everything you know is wrong! SANTACON, thinks Ken Slater, is in 1983, not 1982: I now see that the given dates make no sense until 1984. SILICON 7: rates up to _#4_ att -- 2 Seaton Ave, Lewsham, Blyth, Northumbria. UNICON 4: memberships to 17 Laing Rd, Colchester, Essex. NOREASCON (1982 Worldcon) has revealed a profit of $29,077.85 (to July 82), even more that Yorcon II, Channelcon or Novacon. MYTHCON (16-18 Sept 83, Brum): #2 supp to 133 Sheen La, SW.14, but first read ANSIBLE 27. GALACTICON (29-30 Oct 83, London): SAE 171 Heath Rd, Hounslow, Middlesex... STARLIGHT SF NEWS goes on Prestel shortly (Micronet 800 pages): `electronic ANSIBLE' with Aldiss minisagas, Brunner news, Watson story -- more soon. ============================================================= HAZEL'S LANGUAGE LESSONS #21; KIKUYU TOMBORA to press a squashy object all the way through something. RUUKA to become uncircumcized. ANSIBLE 30 from DAVE LANGFORD 94 London Road, Reading, Berkshire RG1 5AU, United Kingdom: 26 Nov 82 [Ends] ANSIBLE 31, February 1983: PLEASE NOTE that this old ANSIBLE is a bit of history. Addresses may have changed (though the editor's postal address hasn't), prices and agents' credits are invalid, the Prestel number is no more, etc. This issue was produced in my BWP or Before-Word-Processors era and lovingly rekeyed for the archives by ANDREW HEDGES ... to whom many thanks! Dave Langford, ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk, 1994. ============================================================= ANSIBLE 31 is the cosmic adventure of the ultimate soldier on a desperate mission beyond death! (Blurb credit to Timescape Books.) Another dose of cognitive estrangement from DAVE LANGFORD, 94 LONDON ROAD, READING, BERKS, RGl 5AU, UK; phone (0734) 665804. Subscriptions #2 for 8 issues (airmailed abroad): sterling cheques/cash/POs or $ bills to me, Girobank transfer to a/c 24 523 0408, $US cheques to Mary & Bill Burns, 23 Kensington Ct, Hempstead, NY 11550, USA, Euromoney to Roelof Goudriaan, Postbus 589, 8200 AN Lelystad, Netherlands. Consult your Keith Freeman Mailing Label for current sub status or thinly veiled threats. ARTWORK by Alexis Gilliland, who does a nice home-brew. Feb 1983. ============================================================= TAFF: Not yet having the promised Full Revelations from ever more reclusive Kevin Smith, I can only reveal that the fabulous Avedon Carol is the appointed US delegate to Albacon this Easter, and also becomes FGoH. Voting went: Avedon 35 votes N America, 34 Europe, total 69; Larry Carmody 28/ 4/32; Grant Canfield 10/7/17; Taral 12/2/14; Hold Over Funds, No Preference and the late Gen.Franco 1 vote each. Stu Shiffman now retires as NA fund administrator, superseded by Avedon, who in an exclusive interview confided: "The only things I know how to do are be a dilettante and sing." Her address: 4409 Woodfield Rd, Kensington, MD 20895, USA. Euro- administrator still K.Smith (see COAs), who will publish a fascinating issue of TAFF TALK covering the above and much more. Meanwhile, Avedon plans to infest Britain from 25 March to 7 April -- no space here for usual character assassination, but read Albacon's PR3... L. RON HUBBARD NOT DEAD, reports our expert on the esoteric, George Hay -- his 'good source' for this being outside the Scientology organization. New readers begin here: Hubbard's son Ronald DeWolf is trying to have LRH declared dead or senile, presumably with a view to scooping the royalties on Hubbard's doorstop skiffy blockbuster BATTLEFIELD EARTH (NEL July), to which a 2,500,000 word sequel in 12 volumes has already been announced. 'Position on Hubbard fiction rights in complete mystery,' clarifies George. Nobody has seen Hubbard at the numerous Scientology-sponsored publicity binges for BE, though letters allegedly from him have been read at them; only the vilest of fans (Malcolm Edwards) have had the temerity to suggest that the contents of BE are prima-facie evidence of its author's death. Charles Platt has reportedly sworn an affidavit to the effect that his recent postal interview with Hubbard seemed to be the real thing. What next? HUGOS/NEBULAS: Hugo nomination forms have now reached the UK -- anyone wishing to spend $15 for the privilege of not influencing the mindless voting hordes is welcome to purchase a xerox of my copy. Ballots must be postmarked by 8 March. The preliminary Nebula ballot is also to hand, top novels being SWORD OF THE LICTOR (19 nominations), HELLICONIA SPRING and NO ENEMY BUT TIME (both 15) -- but expect huge surges forward from FRIDAY (13), FOUNDATION'S EDGE & 2010 (both 5). Also of UK interest: RODERICK (7), TRANSMIGRATION OF TIMOTHY ARCHER (7), SILVER METAL LOVER (4). And in the novelettes: 'Myths of the Near Future'/Ballard (7), 'House on Hollow Mountain'/David Redd (3). THE WOOSTER LETTER: "Hero Campbell Award winner Somtow Sucharitkul, instead of Christmas cards, is sending copies of his awesome short story 'The Fallen Country' (Elsewhere II), noting that 'if, by some quirk of fate, you happen to have a Hugo nomination ballot before you... well, you can't blame me for trying.'... Speaking of awesome fame, Harlan Ellison is the only SF superstar to grace the pages of The American Bachelor's Register, compiled by the learned editors of Playgirl as a guide to, er, 'hunks'. Ansible readers wishing to abandon their lives to the conquest of Mt. Ellison are advised that frontal assault is desirable: 'Don't play panther games with me,' Ellison warns. 'Don't circle round and round my fire.' (And hard-hitting new fanzine DT [M.Edwards] carries the glad news that LAST DANGEROUS VISIONS is Finished, nearly, and ready for delivery to Houghton Mifflin within the week, although -- quoth HE -- there was still just time for Chris Priest to send in a story...) "Robert Asprin is trying to form a consulting firm to hustle money from corporations to subsidize cons. Beer companies like Michelob could subsidize film programmes, for example. Think: Isaac Asimov sponsored by Wonder Bread, Ted White courtesy of Dupont (Better Living Through Chemicals), Jerry Pournelle courtesy of Dow Chemical (Better Living Through Death)..." (MMW) STRANGE COMPANIONS: "A US company, I understand, has decided to use fandom as a tax write-off. It has reportedly put $600,000 into a corporation that purports to bring famous Sci-Fi pros to cons, free of charge. Called 'Synergy', it has a well-paid board of directors consisting of hustling fringe- fans who apparently talked the company into the idea. (A local member has sold a Star Trek bridge [is that like a Brooklyn Bridge? -- DRL] belonging to him to Synergy for ~$20,000.) Synergy is introducing whoring to fandom; they seem to expect this reaction, and have been appearing at cons with buttons asking fans to 'give them a chance' before making up their minds." (Taral) BESTSELLERS & THINGS: Huge hubbub in LOCUS and places about the latest Asimov sequel reaching #3 on the NY Times bestseller list, only to be overtopped by 2010: A SPACE SEQUEL at #2. Chris Priest notes that all this praise for our boys tends to ignore the fact that James A Michener's 'impure sf' novel SPACE was at #l around then,and adds: "Isn't it strange, silly and sad how important the best-seller list has suddenly become to SF writers? My, it seems like only yesterday that I used to read scornful remarks about writers of 'bestsellers'..." All this wouldn't be so bad if the Asimov weren't unreadably dull or the Clarke were more than a competent Clarke pastiche. M.M.Wooster reports that "ACC has been crashing papers left and right with his publicity tour for 2010... He informed USA TODAY that the sequel to 2010 'will be called 20,001, and it's promised for New Year's Day, 2000.' ...The Joe Nicholas Memorial Award for best acerbic review of 1982 goes to Tom Disch, reviewing FOUNDATION'S ITCH in Inquiry: '.. proved after a few pages' testing to be unfit for human consumption... Asimov attempts so little and achieves so much less that a critic shrinks before the task of describing emptiness so vast... virtually no action save the movement of puppets' jaws, and the dr a tic impact of the story falls far short of a Senate filibuster... [Whether it] will enjoy the success of its antecedent trilogy would seem to lie in the hands of the ten-to-twelve-year-old segment of the reading public.' (TD)" (MMW yet again) CHARLES PLATT REPUDIATES! (See M.M.Wooster's bits in A30.) "There I was at the world fantasy convention, doing my best to provide good copy for grubby voyeurs such as he -- and he got it all wrong. The beer I squirted at Ellen Datlow was from a bottle, not a can. I was in Kirby McCauley's penthouse suite, not the more plebeian, overcrowded Ace party. I was not attired in black leather; indeed, do not own any other than a jacket and a few lockable wrist and ankle restraints, none of which I normally wear at social gatherings. And I was not 'given the boot' by Susan Allison; in fact she seemed so impressed by the simple honesty of my critical statement re Ms Datlow and her editorial policies that she kindly led me from McCauley's suite to her own party, perhaps hoping to put my talents to further use. Adding it up, I find Wooster made four errors in two sentences, from which I conclude he wrote the story from hearsay, no doubt unable to attend the events himself due to amateur status. Tut!" Mr Platt also sends a bizarre memo from Edelman Public Relations, explaining how Space Sells and how a programme of Screaming Yellow Zonkers activities (what?) is planned to increase US Ovaltine sales via skiffy tie-ins under the benign guidance of 'an expert in trends in science, computers and SF' -- none other than Charles Platt. A later note applauds Philcon 1982, held 15 Jan 1983 "in an aridly modern, dully beige downtown hotel concurrently with a convention of gravestone builders, possibly a significant omen... The non-art programming was monumentally dull, encumbered with obscure members who seemed to have been added, or to have added themselves, at the last minute. The 'High-Tech SF' panel included not only eg. Hal Clement but also Susan Shwartz, whose credentials in science and/or fiction apparently consist of having edited one anthology. Still, Clement did get time to explain, rather endearingly, that dangers of nuclear power plants are trivial compared with dangers in the home such as gas mains and slippery bathtubs... A mood of rare torpor pervaded most of Saturday, as five people successively and separately left the SFWA suite to take afternoon naps in their rooms (and they meant it)... Generally the SF folk were easily distinguishable from the tombstone builders in that the latter, in addition to being respectably dressed and of average weight, were also more lively." (CP) STARLIGHT SF: an Ansible spinoff now lurks in the pages of Prestel, British Telecom's fabulously unpopular viewdata system. Masterminded by D.Langford, G.Hay (consultant) and David Babsky (of the Micronet 800 user group -- under brutal questioning he confesses to having been at school with Brian Stableford, and appalling revelations are expected any day), Starlight is already instructing countless dozens of protofans to vote Hugos to Space Eater and The Science in SF. Famous pros are invited to send in snippets about their doings -- no money in it, old chap (as the BBC used to say), but think of the publicity. Everyone else is invited to punch 6006207 on the nearest Prestel set, and boggle. DOUGAL DIXON of AFTER MAN fame turned up unexpectedly at Cymrucon, complete with that model of his vile Night Stalker beastie (Hazel was embarrassed to have this horror left in her arms for some hours while Mr Dixon was otherwise occupied in the bar). Concerning his non-win of the Hugo -- which Chicon have so far neglected to tell him about -- he quipped, "Any system of judging that elects RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK as the best dramatic presentation must be a little suspect." COFF: Too late for A30, I received detailed Concrete Overcoat Fan Fund results from Kev Clarke. 305 votes for 56 nominees were recorded, raising #15.25 each for TAFF & GUFF. The fans you hate to love: Bob (fake) Shaw 62 votes, Steve Green 50, Pauline Morgan/Kevin Rattan 17, Kev Clarke 16, Sandy Brown/Howie Rosenblum 11, Paul Turner 7, Vernon 'Giggles' Brown/Rory McLean/Chris Baker/Chuck Connor/Dave Baber/ D.Langford 6, Rog Peyton/Brian Smith 5, Jessica Watson/Eve Harvey/Malcolm Edwards/Alan Dorey/Chuck Partington 4, Jan Huxley/Jon Cowie/Hans Loose 3, Ian Watson/John Brosnan/ Albacon II Committee/Steve 'Haggis' Rae/Carlton Hill/ Joe Nicholas/Steve Jones 2. Lots of people were =32nd with 1 vote, including COFF co-administrator Chris Suslowicz, Ken Eadie, Robert Heinlein and someone called Stephanie Green. "Thanks to all, and Novacon 12 for programme time," says furry and easily corrupted Mr Clarke. 6 lousy votes... DANCON 82 "was rather odd," reports Colin Fine. "The Danish SF Circle is in a bad way -- still smarting from Dancon 80, which was grandly planned and under-attended; their publishing business has suffered the depredations of their landlord, who sent the decorators in without warning them and had their stock destroyed as rubbish -- they're going to law over that one -- and there appears to be internal tension between factions from Sealand and Fyn. Thus this year's national con was a shoestring operation, comparable to Colnecon, except that of 50-60 attendees at least 25% were pro/semipro -- authors, editors, translators. All zines in evidence were litho-produced, full of reviews, new fiction and translations of English-language stories; all were on sale; no sign of the usual. (But when I revealed I could read Danish several editors pressed them on me.) The con was non- residential, held in a Community Centre in Valby, a suburb of Copenhagen. Four meeting rooms, one with continuous films, one with books (ie. the above zines and the four most recent books published by Tangent), the programme in the other two alternately. I sat in on some, trying to understand, but am now convinced that Danish is impossible as a spoken medium..." (CF) CLARKE AGAIN: ACC Secretaryperson Paul Heskett sends more scraps from the great man's desk, revealing (eg.) that the Polish crisis is not preventing our old pal Wiktor Bukato from trying to organize a collection of Clarke shorts in Polish translation (as early as last September). The usual drawback of payment-only-within-Poland-in-zlotys is brilliantly met by Clarke's Countergambit, whereby with a dazzling smile he reveals that his agents have already negotiated the first-ever deal for Soviet royalties to be paid in real money outside the USSR... LARRY NIVEN addresses this plea to readers of USA TODAY: "If you insist on bombing [America], I'd rather you used neutron bombs... because neutron bombs only kill people, not buildings. If I survive, I'll have something to build civilization with." Ansible suspects that Larry does not know a lot about n-bombs and should consult his pal Jerry. MEDIA MAN R.I.BARYCZ sends appalling facts about ET ladies' underwear, declares that "Star Trek 3, IN SEARCH OF SPOCK, will be directed by ol' pointed ears himself," and spreads rumours about the films Dune ("talk of Sting of The Police playing Paul... it'll happen in we-have-ways-of- devaluing-the-peso-gringo Mexico"), 2010 ("Having Kubrick direct has come to a halt over $. With K I'm not surprised. Did he really take 35 takes to get Jack Nicholson out of a snowmobile in Shining?") and: "Harrison Ford's girlfriend who wrote ET is to write ET2, in which Ma Bell comes to collect a phone bill. 3000 lightyears etc..." (RIB) D.G.COMPTON UNSALEABLE IN US MARKET! So proclaims a US editor who had better remain anonymous, thus dashing Langfordian hopes which had risen at the surprising information that a submission's style had "edged into the Comptonesque." In a world like this, who can be surprised that Jackie Lichtenberg's HOUSE OF ZEOR (autographed) is selling in the NY 'Fantasy Archives' shop for -- better sit down -- $75.00? STUFF THAT EVEN ANSIBLE WON'T PRINT: under this heading our Malcolm's DT reveals revelations, eg. about Ben Bova's nonfiction THE HIGH ROAD, 3000 copies of which were bought by Omni (ed. Ben Bova, then), at terms grossly unfavourable to Omni but not to BB, and expensively advertised in Omni at a cost of x thousand dollars transferred to the ad division of Guccione's empire, achieving an ultimate reported sale of 38 copies. Gee whiz. Ansible, however, draws the line at revealing which editor of DT and INTERZONE has contrived to sell a story to INTERZONE: you all know that. SUFF (Scandinavia-UK Fan Fund) is the eldritch brainchild of Ahrvid Engholm, who'd like to start a tradition by bringing a fabulous British fan to Swecon 83 (Stockholm 17- 20 Aug). Required: fundraising to the tune of about #200, a UK rep to help with this and with publicity, and nifty candidates who'd like to become an official delegate and guest at Swecon. Ahrvid even suggests a special subfund to meet Sweden's high beer prices... Prospective reps or candidates should write to AE, Maskinistgatan 9 ob, S-117 47 Stockholm, Sweden. Also: FANAC, the Swedish newszine which began like ANSIBLE (but in 1963) and grew to resemble LOCUS, folded with issue 118, December 1982. Founder and editor John-Henri Holmberg wants to concentrate on the filthy prozine NOVA SF. Also: Sam Lundwall's new novel CRASH -- "about the wild life during SFWA meetings in New York" -- is unlikely to be published outside Sweden. "They'd lynch me," says Sam. Also: Who's Cherry Wilder? (AH) MORE EUROMATTERS: The crazed Yugoslav fans, not content with bidding for Eurocon 1986 and Worldcon 1988, are now eager to have their 1983 con declared a Eurocon even though Eurocons are biennial in even-numbered years. Meanwhile the Italians have taken over World SF, issuing an immense booklet of Italian SF data which they call a Prontuary. Over to Malcolm: "Virtually every one of them sounds like a Mafia hitman, and that peculiar term 'Prontuary' certainly sounds like a place where corpses end up pretty damn quick." Um. ============================================================= THE ANSIBLE HIGHER EDUCATION SUPPLEMENT ============================================================= Cymrucon: 27-28 November 1982, Central Hotel, Cardiff Phil Palmer Cymrucon in Caerdydd was special for me as it was the first time I'd been in strange parts for quite a long time, reflecting how after you've been to a few cons you find you've been to most parts of the country. Alison (a colleague) had recently been to Wales and had remarked that it took so long to read the bilingual road signs, and parse and pronounce the Welsh bits, that you'd gone past the turning before you knew it. "Pooh," I'd said, "you're just a girl. Bilingual road signs are something boys are good at." But it's true; you do go sailing past. Yet it's hard to get completely lost when all you have to do is drive down the M4, and I eventually found my way to the quite astonishing CENTRAL HOT L. (That's what the neon sign said; I'm very observant you know.) This building may have started out quite sensibly, but has evidently been redesigned by Peake (the labyrinthine basement), Grouch Marx (the partitioning of the bedrooms: I never found the room where you had to bang on the wall so your neighbours could turn your lights out), Escher and Lovecraft (floors and walls inclined at eldritch and impossible angles, unbearable for the human mind to comprehend, so you lurched drunkenly around even when stone cold sober) and Torquemada (the eponymous central heating system). Some unsung genius had also situated the HOT L right by the railway line, so that periodically various unsecured objects could be seen to move through space for no apparent reason, accompanied by a dep rumbling noise such as Hollywood has led us to associate with manifestations of an invisible force. Were only the late great John W. Campbell still with us then that mighty intellect would have been at work, driving huge tonnages of freight through the future universe propelled only by the influences of huge space-born mega-railways... The Royal Angus it wasn't, but it lent a certain character to the weekend. The other remarkable feature of this con was that your badge didn't have your name on it, so that conversations with strangers took on an added piquancy. Do I already know this person? Am I being incredibly rude? The arrangement had its compensations: I was able to enrol as Sandy Brown for Hugh Mascetti's Oxcon, promising to pay later. I still have the receipt. The Machete entertained us at length with talk of guns and rifles and shooting machines, all of which he's very fond of. It's similar to talking to someone about computers, really. He described a Gatling attachment for an automatic which seems to enable you to blaze off wildly and indiscriminately in all directions. "Ho ho," chortled Lionel Fanthorpe, "that would give the local skinheads something to think about." I zoomed off on Saturday morning to winkle Caerdydd founder-fan and local skinhead out of his scratcher, spending the day being shown high and low spots of the Cambrian metropolis, in particular something wonderful called Brains' Dark. After that everything went dark quite satisfyingly: even the atrocious con disco didn't seem to matter too much. I remember saying goodbye to Brian Stableford, who'd only been over for one dat, and apologizing for missing his talk which everyone said had been jolly good. I'd missed Ian Watson's and Lionel Fanthorpe's too, after all their hard work and all, so early next morning I did the only possible thing. I stayed in bed and missed Dave Langford's. (Well, it would have been crawling, wouldn't it?) In case you're thinking that talking to SF fans isn't sufficient to justify conventioneering, I did go to one talk on something interesting and new to me. This was Dez Skinn's and Garry Leach's Item on Warrior comic, of which they are the editor and an artist respectively. Warrior is excellent, with detailed, competent draughtsmanship and stylish, imaginative storylines: it was interesting to get an insight into two personalities behind it. Garry Leach had sampled the delights of carry-out curried chicken and chips from the local chippie the previous evening, and had declared it to be true nectar. He now withdrew this opinion. In the interests of research I tried some myself; apart from having my postconvention bowel movement a little earlier than customary, I can report no spectacular effects. Still, read Warrior, they have suffered for their art. Two images from amid the apres-con blues... One is of late Saturday night, and Nicholas the Nervous One (Who he? -- Ed) is quizzing me on Welsh pronunciation. Some Radio 1 DJ clot has offended everyone by rhyming Pontypridd with twenty quid; though I've managed to say 'Troed-y-Rhiw' earlier in the day with at least the right noises, if the wrong accent, I am still English and suspect. "Say 'Tonypandy'," commands the fluffy one. "Tonypandy," I answer brightly, although it hasn't occurred to me that it's pronounced that way until just now: everyone is too pissed to spot the trick. The other image is of passing a sofa on Sunday morning and one exhausted teenager is remarking to another, "You know, I just can't face the prospect of watching Barbarella again in a room full of people." Yes, it was that kind of convention. As I drove back into England the towers of the Severn Bridge diminished in the rear-view mirror like falling guillotines. (Phil Palmer) DAZED THEY WERE, AND BLEARY EYED Ace reporter Dick Downes saw the programme: Cymrucon 2 had the same venue as #1, but there was more of it; in the face of over 500 fans, the Sunday breakfasts were lacking in content until Ann Looker attacked the manager's wife with her Presence and the starving were fed at last. The same complaints about the hotel were made, the same workmen were deepening the Mohole outside, and a little bird tells me the venue will change for '83... High spots for me were the Chris Morgan writers' workshops and the guests' speeches. Writers and readers alike cringed and thrilled in turn to the swingeingly erudite Watson and Stableford, the delightfully earthy garden of Badger- hunting Fanthorpe, the consummate acting skills of the ever- mimeful Langford. Watson: "Criticism is like a weed -- it imitates the plant of Literature while strangling it, unrecognized in its impostority." Stableford: "Ideas and themes in SF come in three categories -- Aha! Ho-ho! and Yeuk!" Fanthorpe: "Come next Beet Plucking, me deary-o..." (All cringed at RLF's born-again inspirational message at the end of his speech, poetically calling fans to true religion... DRL.) Langford: "Breaking this year's pattern of guest speeches, I shall not discuss the Wittgenstein Academy of Christian Gardening." Somehow the view one has of the Great Published changes when one sees them bared to hallucinogenic cacti, the russell of their kanted philosophy, the sheer exuberance of their stylistic development-or sees them in the Real World of negotiation with toxophilite publishers. Scoop! Shock! Horror! Three fifths of the Fancy Dress Judges were sexists, and the other two-fifths (both called Watson-DRL) walked out when they awarded a Mary Whitemouse Least Dressed award, much more refined than the Breast Dressed Award at Unicon 3. Oh, what a storm in a D-cup! My filmgoing was limited to SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS, a film which (If you'll just step this way, Dick, the injection won't hurt a bit-ah, he's calming down!) I'm looking forward to next year's overcrowded programme and continuous bar, even at those prices: it was a good con. (Dick Downes) CONS 1984: Still two strong bids, the controversially named Seacon 84 (Brighton) and 1984con (Blackpool), whose committee includes several organizers of Seacons 75 and 79 -- oops! The manager of the Metropole in Brighton assures Seacon 84 that the Metropole is the better of the two hotels; the manager of the Pembroke in Blackpool assures the 1984con committee that the Pembroke is infinitely superior; so it goes. 1984con has the advantage of cheap beer (currently 66p/pint) and a committee living close together; Seacon boasts function rooms offered free of charge and 'something extra' in the form of 1984's European convention, whose international committee (scattered through 15 countries) can presumably cope with any difficulties about being widely scattered. Either would run a good con. Seacon 84 continues the hard sell in PR Zero: Heinlein promises to come ("He promised that to Seacon 79 too," said an embittered 79 spokesman), ditto Ellison if a box is provided for him to stand on; testimonials from Clarke, Bradbury, Verne, Wells expected imminently. Is this the future of Eastercon bids -- huge lists of pro endorsements, with the holder of the biggest names winning? Plainly such names will attract thousands. As a minor committee member (without portfolio) I keep getting asked, "Why must this Eurocon be combined with Eastercon, when it'll succeed anyway, as Seacon 79 did? Why the insistence on 'Easter or nothing' after pledges at Channelcon (where the bid was formally announced) and Monchengladbach (where the right to hold Eurocon was won) that if Seacon 84 failed to win Eastercon then they'd run Eurocon later in 1984?" The traditional wisdom is that Eurocons do better when combined with national cons -- ie. that without the prop of the existing Eastercon, Seacon 84 might fail. It now seems failure-proof: and rude fans say, approximately, "How dare Seacon committee members accuse the rival bid's supporters of chauvinism and xenophobia, when Seacon 84 has itself created the situation whereby the vagaries of Eastercon voting can deprive us all of the priceless benefits of Eurocon?" (Teacup storm: Harry Bell complains that contrary to the orange Seacon 84 flyer, most Gannetfans support Blackpool; John Brunner's pious reply denounces this as a '"wogs begin at Calais" attitude'; Malcolm Edwards's Blackpool committee protests bitterly.) OK. Unlike (apparently) some Seacon 84 zealots, I still agree that fans should be able to choose the Eastercon they want, and that a choice is a good thing ... though I rather wish Seacon 84 had aimed to outdo '79 with a colossal August Bank Holiday con, thus avoiding the current dilemma. (Unfortunately the decision to go for Eastercon and only Eastercon was taken before a Seacon 84 steering committee was formed, and was never discussed in committee: reportedly it's now too late.) As it is, the Seacon 84 Eastercon bid must either face Edwardsian mutterings about 'moral blackmail', or weaken its case by promising after all to do an August (say) Eurocon should the voting go against it -- in which case fans might vote for Blackpool on the theory that, this way, both committees get to do their stuff. If, most improbably, Seacon 84 does lose Eastercon, the committee (and/or the BSFA, which as our national SF organization is nominally Responsible despite a theoretical impartiality) should arguably try to organize Eurocon later in 84 as originally promised, rather than wetly let it default to Ghent. Better, I think, to have some advance discussion of these matters than stay grimly silent until the bidding session at Albacon (I recall with loathing how most of the Metrocon bid's question time was occupied by an idiot who kept asking about car-parks and another who kept answering him -- oops, that slipped out, sorry boss). Suppose those Scots who are fanatical about "no free rooms" learn only at the last instant that Eurocon statutes require all the expenses of four international committee bosses (as well as four GoHs) to be met from con funds? Alarming revelations about 1984con, and comments on the above, will be eagerly welcomed. Current Presupporter Scores: 1984con (Blackpool) 75+, Seacon 84 (Brighton) 225+. Oh, the tension! RaCon, imminent as I type this, will doubtless change all. CONVENTION CALENDAR The notes below merely update and correct the version to be found in A30 (supplement, back cover), and incorporate the post-Cymrucon flyer. The Great London SF Convention (12-14 Aug 83, Grosvenor Hotel, London): media thing, GoH J.Doohan, #3.50 daily/#5 for 3 days. Bizarrely, this is run from the US (Syndicate Inc, Box 55007, Tulsa, OK 74155) and I've seen no UK publicity: all right, sauce for the goose etc, I shall shortly be organizing a bid for a British Worldcon to be held in (say) Flushing, NY. Triple C Con (26-29 Aug, Grand Hotel, Brum): 16th UK Trekkiething. #6 supp #13 att to 39 Nelson St, Gloucester, GL1 4QX. Silicon 7 (26-29 Aug, Grosvenor Hotel, Newcastle); the facts at last, after rude letters of correction from Harry Bell! #4 att to 2 Seaton Avenue, Newsham, Blyth, Northumberland. Damn these crackly phone lines... Unicon 4 (2-4 Sept, U of Essex) confirms John Sladek as main GoH. Mythcon (16-18 Sept, Grand Hotel, Brum): GoHs Joy Chant, Bryan Talbot, Mat Irvine; #2 supp #8 att; no conversions after 1 Sept; the awkward sods ask that you send not money but SAE for a proper bureaucratic Registration Form (to 158 West Way, Raynes Park, London, SW20 8LS). Still more encouragingly, "The Committee reserve the right to refuse admission." Even if they've taken your money? Novacon 13 (4-6 Nov, Brum, rumoured venue change devolves as usual to Royal Angus Hotel): GoH Lisa Tuttle. #7 att. In my innocence I thought money should be sent to Paul Oldroyd & Chris Donaldson (46 Colwyn Rd, Beeston, Leeds LS11 6PY), but the infallible Brum SF Group Newsletter corrects this to Phill Probert & Eunice Pearson, Apt 2, 1 Broughton Rd, Handsworth, Birmingham B20. Oxcon 84 (late Aug/early Sept, in some Oxford college -- probably not Brasenose, famous for producing Martin Hoare, Dave Langford and Jack Profumo): #1 pre-supp to 28 Asquith Rd, Rose Hill, Oxford, OX4 4RH. This is a bid for the peripatetic Unicon -- there's another, data not to hand. Evil Hugh Mascetti's Oxcon cohorts little know that even now, the ancient sages of Unicon (C.Hughes, J.Fairey, J. Huxley) are plotting a Unicon Charter laying down rules too irksome to list... thus achieving the longed-for guidelines several decades quicker than Eastercon. Santacon (14-16 Dec, Leeds Dragonara) is, as predicted in A30, a 1984 event. Worldcon Yugoslavia (1988) is, of course, merely a bid so far. Info: Sfera, Ivanicgradaka 41A, 41000 Zagreb. Or c/o the eligible bachelor whose Slavic good looks are the talk of Hanwell: Gerry Webb, 67 Shakespeare Rd, Hanwell, W.7. European Cons In General are well covered in Roelof G's Shards of Babel (see masthead for address): vile, insular, chauvinist Ansible shiftily claims a lack of space for coverage of more than events of obvious UK fannish interest. CLUB SPOT (Idiosyncratic choices only; scene much better covered by BSFA, etc): Glomerule: The Reading SF (Reading) Group: meets on 3rd Thursday of each month to debate on the role of SF in beer, 7.30-8pm onward. The former pub has installed a disco and driven out even deaf Langford to the RAILWAY TAVERN almost next door: it's still right out of BR station, left after bus station, and just up the hill. Hic. New Southend Group: "held an open night mid-Jan; fiasco from start to finish, talk on SF, when half the members think it begins and ends with ET, was asking for trouble. At least one guy walked out while we were there, muttering 'Sod this crap, I read books.' Trouble is that this sort of thing actively discourages the people they should be trying to attract; and they're labouring under the delusion that a group needs at least 50 members to succeed. Undaunted, they're now prattling happily about running a con next year, none having yet been to one..." (Alex Stewart) COA CHRIS BAILEY and FOCUS, 23 Clevedon Rd, London, SE20 7QQ :: PAUL & JUDY BEGG, 37 Vesper Gate Dr, Kirkstall, Leeds, LS5 3RD :: PETER COHEN, 68 Chatsworth Ave, Cosham, Portsmouth, Hants :: PHILIP COLLINS, 7 Colchester Rd, Leyton, London, E10 6HA :: LIONEL and PATRICIA FANTHORPE, 'Rivendell', 48 Claude Rd, Cardiff, CF2 3QA :: CHRIS & PAULINE MORGAN, 321 Sarehole Rd, Hall Green, Birmingham B28 0AL :: CYRIL SIMSA, 15 Holland St, Cambridge, CB4 :: KEVIN SMITH, 53 Altrincham Rd, Gatley, Cheshire, SK8 4EL :: PHIL & LIZ STEPHENSON-PAYNE, 'Imladris', 25a Copgrove Rd, Leeds, LS8 2SP :: JON WAITE, 1st Floor Flat, 47 Cintra Park, London, SE 19 :: JON WALLACE [a non-COA -- some of his mail's been bouncing with Not Known At This Address markings, but he's still at:] 21 Charleston St, Dundee, DD2 4RG :: ASHLEY WATKINS, Flat 3, 2a The Leas, Westcliff-on-Sea, Essex, SS0 7ST INFINITELY IMPROBABLE ENGAGEMENTS & THINGS: Spring approaches, the year's first fanzines peep shyly through the soil, and the young fan's fancy turns to wedding bells and rotten cliches. Steve Green and Ann Thomas; Kev Smith and (after eleven years of cautious hesitation) Diana Reed; Peter Nicholls and Clare Coney (who aim to marry in July): all have attained that state which is the opposite of 'vacant'. Peter, alas, has been suffering from broken ribs sustained in a ski mishap: although he's still in semi-amicable dispute with Brian Stableford and D.Langford over Sci in Skiffy royalties, it is not true that his first Get Well card was a telegram from Brian saying "That was the first warning"... D.WEST'S BANE: tell it not in Bingley, but another famous fanzine reprint has emerged -- 4 issues of Lee Hoffman's Quandry in facsimile, $5 from Joe Siclari, 4599 NW 5th Ave, Boca Raton, FL 33431, USA. Also of peripheral interest: Ethel Lindsay has privately published a bibliography of detective-genre reference books, #2 plus postage (26p): her subsidiary aim of including all nonfiction by mystery authors may be overambitious, eg. she cites 9 out of about 90 G.K.Chesterton titles. 69 Barry Rd, Carnoustie, Angus, DD7 7QQ... WITHOUT COMMENT: "6.5pm: Riverside. GLC leader Ken Livingstone is a science fiction buff and reviews ET." (Express TV guide 6 Dec)... RIP: Joan Hunter Holly of The Flying Eyes fame (19 Oct)... HELP WANTED: Joy Hibbert plans to run a minibus from (presumably) Stoke-on-Trent or thereabouts to Albacon 11, cost approx #11/head -- phone (0782) 271070, and while you're at it, advise her on how to run her WEA course in SF after Easter. Also: your Editor needs urgently to know the price asked in remainder shops recently (or even better, that at which it was offered to them) for the Langford/Morgan Facts & Fallacies -- remaindered in breach of contract by Webb & Bower, who are now asking a nonsensical price for the few remaining copies... KURT VONNEGUT is flashing through England this month to promote his latest, Deadeye Dick (sequel titled Mexican Pete is not expected)... Oh, I can't resist it: Andromeda Bookshop's top authors for 82 were (1) Wolfe; (=2) May, Adams, Dicks; (5) Harrison; (6) Pournelle; (7) Langford; (=8) Herbert, McIntyre, Niven ho ho. Perhaps more interesting are the top publishers -- (1) Futura; (2) Arrow; (3) Star/Target (presumably on the strength of Dr Who books); (4) Pan; (5) NEL; (6) Sphere; (7) Grenada; (8) Corgi; (9) Fontana; (10) Hamlyn; (11) Penguin/Puffin; (12) Magnum/Methuen; (13) Unwin; (14) Coronet (with no points at all -- scores being calculated on books in the shop's monthly Top Ten only)... SIDNEY JORDAN of Jeff Hawke lives, and has lately been the great and good friend of Marise Morland- Chapman (High Wycombe), who threatens to bring him to Reading meetings as GoH... NAUGHTY PARTS: French publishers J'ai Lu and JC Lattes are operating an interesting anti-censorship, translating 'lowbrow adventure SF novels' with added spicy sex scenes. "I can picture a profitable smuggling trade of the 'complete, desabridged' French editions towards the prude-but- frustrated countries (UK, USA) where only the mere original text was published..." (Pascal Thomas in SoB)... ============================================================= Advertisement ============================================================= Become a D.WEST GROUPIE! ARE YOU blindingly handsome, possessed of immense muscular strength, an invariable winner at dominoes, the proud owner of an IQ in excess of, say, 95? IF SO, forget it. ARE YOU small, weedy, of one or several sexes, impressionable, easily overawed by cold sneers during the Cutting of the Cards? DOES YOUR soft flesh have an unhealthy, luminescent pallor? DO YOU habitually carry more than #10 in used oncers? THEN D.WEST WANTS YOU! Yes, Dave (for it is he) West needs eager young fans to help him massage the bits he's too old, tired, devious and manipulative to reach. LEARN TO PERFORM... MAKE AN IMPRESSION... RID yourself of awkward 50p pieces via D's unique Laying-On of Hands... FETCH drinks in the staggering West Fitness Programme -- combines Interbar Jogging with Loss of Unsightly Wallet Fat... FALL over in approved fashion as demonstrated by the Master in person (Advanced Groupies Only)... READ the sense-defying Sacred Texts, of which it has been said, by Ted White, frequently! (Soon available in 1000-page facsimile edition from Bergeron & Nielsen Hayden Reprints [1939] Inc)... WRITE NOW to The Master, 48 Norman St, Bingley, W Yorks, BD16 4JT, enclosing only the first of many 50p pieces and saying, in 20,000 words or more, "Yes! I want to be a D.WEST GROUPIE!" HURRY -- or the CHAIN will be BROKEN!!! ============================================================= A MODEST PROPOSAL: "With regard to the fanzine Hugo problem, my suggestion is to divide the number of votes cast by the circulation of the zine -- with, say, a minimum print run of about 100 to qualify." (Benedict Cullum) Fun, but implausible (tips the balance too far "against" giant-circulation mags whose readers greatly outnumber Hugo voters)... IAN WATSON REVEALS the secrets of his first appearance in print -- a piece on growing cacti in a gardening mag, published when he was 13. Later, infused with Aldous Huxley, he wrote on 'Growing the Sacred cactus' (peyote), and even tried some, but ate the wrong bit: all that came through the doors of perception was vague nausea... PETER ROBERTS wants to sell of 1000s of fanzines and is preparing a List: send wants and SAE to Gafiate's Retreat, 36 Western Rd, Torquay, TQ1 4RL... JIM BARKER is now so famous and successful an artist (cartoons for Mike Rohan's book on micros, greetings card designs Real Ale ad artwork, comics, you name it) that he's thinking of leasing an office/studio rather than work at home. His second Great Pork Pie Race, at Albacon 11, invites entries -- criterion this year is 'the most fannish means' of transporting the pie from A to B... CALIFORNIA BOOK AUCTION (24 Feb) features all the goodies you hoped you'd never find, eg. rare copies of Fahrenheit 451 and even Firestarter bound in asbestos. Am eagerly searching for that rare edition of Lovecraft bound in gorgonzola... LANCS SF: P.Pinto protests that I failed to give an address for his IMT book traders (45 Blades St, Lancaster, LA1 1TS) or to mention the wonderful meetings on 1st Wed each month there and at the Crown pub. Well, I won't, so there... THE FANGS OF BOSTOCK: Simon B. is doing a lewd Dracula send-up on video (he's director), and nude virgins are eagerly solicited -- sex unspecified. ============================================================= CREDITS: C.Priest (Pedantry), Hazel (Hand-Lettering), JH/JMN/KJS/DRL (Groupie Ad) ============================================================= HAZEL'S LANGUAGE LESSONS: Italian? That word prontuary (directory? see end of p.2) baffles all our references except one 1878 Italian dictionary... PRONTUARIA: Vizio che nasce dall'ira, sfacciataggine. A vice born out of wrath? Impudence/facetiousness? So, no doubt, is ANSIBLE 31, from: 94 London Rd, Reading, Berks, RG1 5AU ANSIBLE 33, June 1983: PLEASE NOTE that this old ANSIBLE is a bit of history. Addresses may have changed (though the editor's postal address hasn't), prices and agents' credits are invalid, etc. This issue was produced in my BWP or Before-Word-Processors era and lovingly rekeyed for the archives by MIKE SCOTT ... to whom many thanks! Dave Langford, ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk, 1994. ============================================================= ANSIBLE 33: the slightly tardy post-Easter (June) issue of a frequent (allegedly) SF (allegedly) newsletter (alleged) from a purported Dave Langford at his rumoured address 94 LONDON ROAD, READING, BERKSHIRE, RG1 5AU -- a whole year there, and 3 fans a week are still asking whether the postcode means we're 465 million miles from the nearest post office. SUBSCRIPTIONS, tediously and regrettably, are up again: #2 for 7 issues anywhere (airmailed outside UK). Sterling notes or cheques to me, also $ bills; Giro transfer to a/c 24 523 0408; $US cheques to Burns, 23 Kensington Ct, Hempstead, NY 11550; Euroshekels to Goudriaan, Postbus 589, 8200 AN Lelystad, Netherlands. Grovelling thanks to Keith `Labels' Freeman, ever ready to SUBDUE lapsed fans, to poll-topping artist Pete Lyon (above) and to Leigh Edmonds for madly volunteering to distribute Aussie copies. Also, thanks and a free issue each to the Ansible Poll voters: Ashworth (H&M), Bailey, Berry, Brazier, Brown (S), Carol, Charnock (G), Collins, Connor, Coxhead, Darroch, Day, Earp, Edwards (L&M), Ferguson, Ford, Frost, Garnett, Goudriaan, Hanna, Hansen, Harries, Hill, Jarrold, Lake, Lowe, Nielsen Hayden, Nicholas, Ounsley, Owen, Palmer, Pardoe, Polley, Robertson (J), Rose, Shearman, Sherwood, Suter, Taylor, Thomas, Tudor, Vincent, Wareham, Warminger, Watkins, Wells, West, Whiteoak, Wood, Yon. While we're still in the boring small print, I offer by unpopular request the fabulous Circulation Figures. As of 31 May, Ansible has 327 unlucky recipients, 259 in the British Isles and 68 outside. In detail: England 220, Scotland 27, Wales 7, N. Ireland & Eire 2 each, IOM 1. USA 35, Australia 11, Sweden & Canada 5 each, W. Germany 3, Finland 2, Belgium, Egypt, France, Greece, Italy, Japan & Netherlands 1 each. Print run is currently 400; many back issues available at ludicrous prices. Yawn... ============================================================= THE 1982-3 CHECKPOINT/ANSIBLE FAN POLL: A record 52 fans voted in this, the 12th annual informal poll covering fan doings from Easter to Easter. Here we go -- BEST BRITISH FANZINE: 37 titles (and an apa) nominated. 5 points given for a 1st-place vote, 4 for 2nd, etc (same system in next two categories); ANSIBLE ineligible; last year's positions in brackets after score. 1) TAPPEN (141pts) (1st): Malcolm Edwards, 28 Duckett Rd, London N4 1BN; available whimsically; two issues, #4 and #5 in 1982-3. Tappen's popularity is loathsomely displayed by Malcolm's success in publishing the best single issue, with the =best cover by the best artist plus the best article from the almost best fanwriter. Good grief. Such elitism... 2) STILL IT MOVES (47pts) (2nd): Simon Ounsley, 21 The Village St, Leeds, LS4 2PR; available for the usual; one issue, #3. Another fat genzine like Tappen though a little sloppier; eccentric material (eg. article on Constable) and nifty personal stuff from famous S.Ounsley. 3) Epsilon (43pts) (4th): Rob Hansen, 9a Greenleaf Rd, East Ham, London E6 1DX; available for the usual; at least two issues, #12 and #13. Despite occasional contributions, Epsilon scores highest for its letter column and Rob himself talking sense about whatever burning fannish issue is going. 4) INDIAN SCOUT (34pts) (7th): the Red Army Choir c/o Sandy Brown, 18 Gordon Tce, Blantyre, Scotland, G72 9NA; available inexplicably; the single issue of the year is billed as #19 but appears to be #2, or maybe... h'm. Noted for triffic (and even =best) covers and violent outbreaks of street credibility -- also for leaving BSFA reviewers and Ansible editors at a loss for words. 5) TWLL-DDU (32pts) (-): me; available usually; one issue, #20, which I still haven't finished distributing because I am a lazy sod. Contains, almost exclusively, me. Also with 5+ points: Out of the Blue (29); Drunkard's Talk, Microwave, Wallbanger (28); This Never Happens (23); Crystal Ship, Tiger Tea (22); The Chocolates of Lust, The Zine That Has No Name (14); Second-Hand Wave (13); Nabu, Small Friendly Dog, Twentythird (12); Pig on the Wall (11); Felicity (10); Creature from the Typing Pool (6). Also 8 points were scored by The Women's Periodical, which as an apa is presumably not a single fanzine... or is it? BEST BRITISH FANWRITER: 43 fans were nominated. 1) DAVE LANGFORD (91pts) (2nd) -- er, thanks; 2) D.WEST (88pts) (=12th) -- another vote would put D first, an index of the huge reaction to his famous and only 1982-3 article `Performance'; 3) LINDA PICKERSGILL (69pts -- h'm) (=10th) -- both triffic and prolific, Linda had more pieces nominated as best article than anyone else; 4) CHRIS ATKINSON (66pts) (1st) -- still in the realms of glory despite publishing only a couple of pieces, both nominated etc etc; 5) JIMMY ROBERTSON (53pts) (3rd) -- confused everyone by folding then reviving 23rd but still has Street Credibility, whatever that is. Also: Simon Ounsley (46); Malcolm Edwards (33); Skel (20); Alan Ferguson (17); Rob Hansen (14); Phil Palmer (13); Eve Harvey, Christina Lake (11); Chris Evans (10); Owen Whiteoak (9); Nick Lowe (8); John D Owen (7); Bill Carlin, Kate Davies (6). BEST BRITISH FANARTIST: 31 British residents nominated, plus 3 ineligible Americans (all scored <6pts, plus `No Award' (Ditto). I'm too cautious to comment here on Art... 1) PETE LYON (128pts) (1st); 2) ROB HANSEN (94pts) (2nd); 3) HARRY BELL (57pts) (5th); 4) D.WEST (54pts) (4th); 5) JIM BARKER (49pts) (3rd). Not much movement in the `top 5'. Also: Atom (35); Margaret Welbank (31); Anne Warren (25); John McFarlane (21_; Shep Kirkbride (19); Martin Helsdon (14); Dave Harwood (11); Dave Collins, Harry Turner (6). BEST SINGLE ISSUE: 36 issues of 29 different Britzines nominated, plus one ineligible US zine (1 vote only). 1) Tappen 5 (Malcolm Edwards) (20 votes); 2) Felicity (Jimmy Robertson) (13); 3) The Zine That Has No Name 3 (Skel) (11); 4) Tiger Tea 1 (Linda Pickersgill and her Periodic Women) (10); -5) Indian Scout 1983 Annual (Red Army Choir) & Still It Moves 3 (Simon Ounsley) (each 7). Also: The Chocolates of Lust 2, Microwave 5, Tappen 4, When Yngvi Was A Louse (4); Epsilon 13, Out of the Blue 4, Spook 1, Twll-Ddu 20, Wallbanger 6 (3); Crystal Ship 6, Shallow End 1, This Never Happens 3 (2). BEST ARTICLE/COLUMN: 58 items nominated. 1) `Performance'/ D.West/Tappen 5 (24 votes! Never seen anything like it); 2) `Desert Island Lavatories'/Nick Lowe/Chocs of Lust 2 (5); =3) `Desperate Fun'/Linda Pickersgill/OotB 4, `How Women Get Pregnant'/Linda P/OotB 5, `Return to Red River'/Bill Carlin/ Indian Scout, `When Fandoms Collide'/Bob Shaw/TZTHNN, [Untitled house-move horror stories]/your editor/Cloud Chamber 13/17 (all 4 votes). Also: `Asking For It'/ Atkinson/ Tappen 5, `Bangers & Mash'/Lyon/2HW, `Life with the Loonies 2 1/2'/Atkinson/T4, `Making of BOLLARDS II'/Ounsley/SIM 3 (all 3); `...Blue Eyes...'/Robertson/Felicity, `Case of Home- icide'/Ounsley/SIM, `Fan Wars'/Davies/TT, `Go for your Goon'/Atom/Mic 5, `Making the Most of your Woodcock'/ Welbank/TT, [untitled?]/Ferguson/Felicity (all that bloody long list with 2 votes exactly). Incidentally, Linda Pickersgill collected 10 votes spread over 4 separate articles. BEST FANZINE COVER: 32 covers from 26 different fanzines were nominated, plus a single vote for `Hold Over Funds'. =1) Pete Lyon/Tappen 5, John McFarlane/Indian Scout (8); 3) John McFarlane/Felicity (7); =4) Pete Lyon/2nd Hand Wave (Autumn 82), Margaret Welbank/The Chocs of Lust 2, Harry Hansen & Rob Bell/Epsilon 13 (all with 6 votes). Also: Barker/Wallbanger 7, Steffan/Tappen 4 (5); Lyon/SIM, Hanbellsen/Epsilon 12 (4); Fox/Crystal Ship 7, Pickersgill (presumably)/Tiger Tea, Turner/Microwave 3, Hansen/TD20 (3); Bell/Mic 4, Lyon/ Earthquake Country (2). Here P.Lyon got 23 votes spread over 7 covers, and I let D.Steffan in since though a colonial he did a BRITISH fnz cover... WORST THING OF 1982-3: no less than 68 items nominated. 1) THE FAKE BOB SHAW on numerous counts (14 votes); 2) JOHN BRUNNER (6); 3) KEITH WALKER'S FANZINES (5); =4) ROB HANSEN for unprintably sexist reasons -- shame on a certain caddish voting bloc in Leeds, SHALLOW END, OUR WONDERFUL TORY GOVERNMENT and THE VICTORY OF THE BRIGHTON 1984 EASTERCON BID (all 4 votes). Both Keith and Bob were mentioned last time. Also: Convention Bid Fanaticism, the Falklands Affair, the Mysterious Nonappearing Matrix, Novacon 12 (all 3); Albacon II Hotel Food, Crystal Ship, ET, Joe Nicholas (all 2). After the extravagant pro and con reactions to `Performance' I thought it might figure here as well as in `Best Article': not so unless we conflate the categories (1 vote apiece) `Performance' and `The D.West Cult'. Cult? THE DEAD PAST: Ten years ago, Peter Roberts's Checkpoint 36 featured the second British fan poll `since the days of Skyrack'. 24 fans voted and the favourites for best fanzine, writer and artist were , respectively, Egg (P.Roberts), Ian Williams and curiously timeless Harry Bell. Ten years before THAT, Ron Bennett's Skyrack 51 revealed the 26 voters' favourites in the same categories to be Skyrack itself, Walt Willis and curiously timeless Arthur `Atom' Thomson. BSFA AWARDS: Almost as cosmically influential as the Ansible poll, the BoSFA non-trophies for 1982 work were presented, as it were, at Albacon II -- to Helliconia Spring (novel), `Kitemaster'/K.Roberts (short), Blade Runner (media) and Tim White (artist). NEBULA AWARDS were this year unenlivened by withdrawals and acrimony (though on a recent US trip Lisa Tuttle was depressed to hear the total coverage of SFWA Forum of late was `Tuttle and word processors'. NOVEL No Enemy But Time (Bishop); NOVELLA `Another Orphan' (John Kessel); NOVELETTE `Fire Watch' (Connie Willis); SHORT `A Letter from the Clearys' (also Connie Willis). HUGO NOMINATIONS: the award that's almost as respected as the Soviet electoral system. Data arrived in predictable stages: over a period of about three weeks came File 770, Locus and SFC, all with detailed voting statistics; then at last I had a letter from the Worldcon breaking the glad news of my nomination (no other details); and finally came a release for Ansible scoop publication, with all those difficult statistics omitted. Not that I would complain, oh no. NOVEL: Foundation's Edge, The Pride of Chanur (Cherryh), 2010, Friday, Courtship Rite (Kingsbury), The Sword of the Lictor. (Voting spread 96 to 189 votes.) NOVELLA: `The Postman' (Brin/IASFM), `Brainchild' (DelanEy/Analog), `Another Orphan' (Kessel/F&SF), `Unsound Variations' (Martin/Amazing), `Souls' (Russ/F&SF). (52-77) NOVELETTE: `Nightlife' (Eisenstein/F&SF), `Swarm' (Sterling/F&SF), `Aquila' (Sucharitkul/IASFM), `Fire Watch' (Willis/IASFM), `Pawn's Gambit' (Zahn/Analog). (43-49) SHORT: `Sur' (LeGuin/Compass Rose), `Melancholy Elephants' (Robinson/Analog), `Spider Rose' (Sterling/F&SF), `Boy Who Waterskied to Forever' (Tiptree/F&SF), `Ike at the Mike' (Waldrop/Omni). (36-55) NONFIC: The World of the Dark Crystal (Froud), Isaac Asimov: The Foundations of SF (Gunn), Engines of the Night (Malzberg), Reader's Guide to Fantasy (Searles/ Meacham/Franklin), Fear Itself: The Horror Fiction of Stephen King (Underwood/Miller). (32-60) DRAMATIC: Blade Runner, Dark Crystal, ET, Road Warrior (Mad Max II), Start Trek II: The Overacting of Khan. (119-278) PRO EDITOR: Terry Carr, Ed Ferman, David Hartwell, Stanley Schmidt, George Scithers. (85-191) (same as last year) ARTIST: Kelly Freas, Don Maitz, Rowena Morrill, Barclay Shaw, Darrell Sweet, Michael Whelan. (49-188) FANZINE: Fantasy Newsletter, File 770, Locus, SF Chronicle, SF Review. (45-123) FANWRITER: Dick Geis, Mike Glyer, Arthur Hlavaty, Dave Langford. (same as last year) (32-46) FANARTIST: Alexis Gilliland, Joan Hanke-Woods, William Rotsler, Stu Shiffman, Dan Steffan. (19-65) A total of 660 ballots were rushed in by a membership of about 4500 (it's since topped 5000) -- about 15% turnout. JOHN W CAMPBELL AWARD for most overrated new writer: Joseph H Delaney, Lisa Goldstein, Sandra Miesel, Warren G Norwood, David R Palmer, Paul O Williams. (19-34) PHILIP DICK MEMORIAL AWARD for best 1982 original SF paperback went to Rudy Rucker's Software, with a runner-up award to Ray Nelson's The Prometheus Man. Deciphering the delicate euphemisms of US newszines leads one to believe that Rucker was understandably as gratified as a newt. Next year's judges: Algis Budrys, John Clute, Anthony Wolk. MISCELLANEOUS OTHER AWARDS: American Book Award (original pb) to Lisa Goldstein's The Red Magician; #1000 Scottish Book of Year award to Alasdair Gray's Lanark; the little-known Balrog fantasy award is working at becoming less known (reports Darrell Schweitzer), with successive ballot forms arriving after the nominations deadline, with numerous ineligible items on the ballot (SFC), with Stephen King shortlisted as Best Artist... Ditmar (Australia) has, in the International section: No Enemy But Time, The One Tree, Riddley Walker, Roderick. (Thyme) MARKET MEANDERINGS: Reality, the magazine of `technology fiction' still hangs fire though not for the usual financial reasons -- it seems that despite submissions from such as van Vogt, there's a distinct `tf story flow problem', exacerbated in the eyes of mastermind Maurice Goldsmith by sf authors' depressing distrustfulness of wonderful future technology... Interzone has lost Malcolm Edwards, who is overcome with Gollancz and freelance responsibilities (not to mention the staggering realization that selling stories to IZ is far more profitable that being an unpaid editorial collectivist): the official address is now Dave Pringle's, 124 Osborne Rd, Brighton, BN1 6LU... Imagine, the TSR adventure games mag, has reached its 3rd issue at #1 a go; games fans were apparently unimpressed by the first two, but fiction is being bought by jolly Asst Ed P.Cockburn, TSR(UK)Ltd, The Mill, Rathmore Rd, Cambridge, CB1 4AD... White Dwarf, longer- running games mag, appears to be reacting to Imagine's challenge by also running a book review column (I do WD's and Dave Pringle does I's -- so all you authors/publishers make sure we get your stuff, eh?), with regular fiction -- both f and sf -- likely to appear soon: 27/29 Sunbeam Rd, London, NW10 6JP... Imago: The Worlds of Fantasy is planned for July, chief editor Richard Monaco: said to be glossy, highly visual, 96pp, initial print run 180,000 copies, planned fiction payments 5- 7cents/word. Chief promised attraction is a gossip column by Charles Platt, who is folding Patchin Review owing to lack of time, after the coming 7th issue (CP)... Network News (224 St NE, Washington DC 20002) may pay for your old fan articles, hints newly apotheosed Associate Ed. Martin Morse Wooster: `always interested in offbeat "fannish" looks at life overseas... Write for me as you would for Tappen, not New Statesman.' Martin wants no grubby fanzines sent to his work address, however. (D.West Interjects: `Being briefly in possession of a copy of Curtis Smith's 20th Century SF Writers I noticed a couple of entries by Ansible's very own Martian Moose Worster. I see he credits both Ted White and Dick Lupoff with being sole founders of Comics Fandom, and speaks less than respectfully of TW's achievements as a pro. Does this mean anything? I think we should be told.')... DRUNKEN DRAGON PRESS: for the umpteenth time I've carefully observed a DNQ request only to be scooped in print for my pains (by Mike Yon). Rats. This is Rog Peyton's long-dreamed-of small publishing house, aimed to produce signed limited editions of (a) assorted Lisa Tuttle stories to coincide with her GoH appearance at Novacon 13; (b) all of Jim White's out-of-print `Hospital Station' books, in sequence; (c) ???... LONDON BOOK FAIR: `Next to nothing of sf interest,' reports Paul Barnett: `tried to say hello to Peter Nicholls at the Multimedia stand, but every time I went past he was deeply involved with earnest discussions with rabid Yanks. Or his colleagues were doing the earnestly discussing bit while he nodded his head and grunted every 30 seconds or so to show he was listening -- certainly there was a strong glaze on the eyeballs... This wasn't true of Maxim Jakubowski who, in the shape of Zomba Books, was adopting an upfront, thrusting, aggressive posture. Zomba had a launch party at which, so MJ tells me, a rock group did their best to annoy Langford, only Langford wasn't there. On the Zomba stand I spotted the second frankest exploitation title of the Fair, Shape Up For Sex. The first frankest exploitation title was on the Multimedia stand: in the wake of Manwatching and Mindwatching, they had the dummy for Sexwatching. I probed the deepest recesses of my brain trying to work out what the hell the book could actually be about...' (PB) RESHUFFLES: Wm Collins have bought Granada for #7.9M, probably bad news for sf as the exiguous Fontana/Collins and the extensive Granada sf lines are unlikely to go on competing (& Collins now own a third of Pan too)... Lovable Richard Evans of Arrow sf fame is now an editorial director at Futura, some way from the sf front line with Peter Lavery (Lavory? Depends who you ask) from Hamlyn cracking the whip over hapless sf authors at Arrow... Frederick Muller Ltd, the hardback house, was just bought from HTV by two of its directors, Anthonies White & Blond: Langford cringes, having a contract with FM... Greg Benford reports: `Sf business scene looks bleak over here with slow recovery starting. The Baen/Dell deal, whereby Tor would package and Dell distribute a new line of pbs is dead -- leading to Baen releasing titles held for possible buy...' SEVERAL WORDS ON ALBACON II :: YET ANOTHER BORING ANSIBLE CONVENTION SUPPLEMENT AVEDON CAROL rushed the full, uncensored text of her Albacon notes: "They tell me that Albacon II was Not So Hot as Eastercons go, organizationally a mess and all that, but I couldn't tell. I had the good luck to be mostly unfamiliar with the normal run of local fanpolitics, and I wasn't in on the gory details, which I must say I found refreshing. Dave Langford showed up when he was supposed to, which was good enough for me. I had no trouble finding the Fanroom, and therefore the fans, which is the main thing. So as far as i was concerned everything was fine. My room was comfortable and conveniently located. I loved being able to make myself a cup of tea in the morning without having to get dressed first, and there were plenty of towels... Must say I got a bit tired of the same old fish for lunch every day, and breakfast was too early. I certainly would have preferred a better grade of soft drink, but the bartender who kept grabbing his crotch supplied an interesting floorshow. I do which, however, that D.West would take up a game which makes a more interesting spectator sport... And everyone was really just absolutely triffic and you see if I write my TAFF report right now it will be all mushy and effusive and even maudlin and not very funny and -- shit, now I know why no one ever finishes a TAFF report." (AC) TERRY CARR was suspicious: "I wonder if [Avedon] proved to be as wonderful as you expected. So far I have only her report- in-part on her trip, which seems to make it clear that SHE at least had a fine time; but I know you Brits, your politeness and all, especially to TAFF delegates, and I have to wonder: Sure, I know you threw up on her shoes and called her `chick', friendly as you are, but what else? Did you show her the Tower of London where uppity females were incarcerated before you cut off their heads? Did you induce her to eat fish-and-fries, that Brit dish that makes McDonalds burgers taste like manna? Did you introduce her to a modern incarnation of Richard III without having Josephine Tey to stand by and explain that everything he did to her served a greater purpose? I bet you didn't; and I further bet that Avedon will be too polite to mention it in her TAFF report..." (Elsewhere in the same letter:) "Can it be that even Mal Ashworth has become staid as he's grown older? This is a question that strikes close to my heart: I wasn't surprised when Heinlein and Bradbury became oldpharts, but MAL ASHWORTH...?" Wizened MAL ASHWORTH staidly reports: "Confidence in Albacon's prospects had been soaring for some time, after progress reports failed to live up to the promise of the early one which contained a Kidney Donor card, and no Last Will & Testament form appeared. The Unreal Bob Shaw's prophesies of doom and destruction for any event not organized by himself proved no truer for than for any other Eastercon, and the committee showed that they couldn't hold a candle to the attendees for that Mindless Incompetence with which they'd been tagged. On Sunday night a lift full of three lifts-full of fans driven into suicidal ecstasy by the Brum Fan Room Party plummeted -- well, `descended rather hastily' -- to the bottom of its shaft. The laws of the know universe, baffled as to how to gelatinize further such an oversaturated mass, settled for an injured ankle. In this suspension of the natural order of things, it seems that I resolutely and repeatedly attempted to pioneer a fourth-dimensional route to the loo through the trouser press attached to our bedroom wall: the only reportable results were of anatomical rather than metaphysical interest. "Appropriate to Easter, there was both Good News and Bad News. The good news was that cheap food was available almost continually in the hotel, as was good and reasonably priced real ale. The bad news was that the food was so staggeringly awful that even the hotel staff gave up and didn't bother to cook most of it, while the beer ran out on Saturday night. "I gave my word not to mention that I missed Marion Simmer Broadly's GoH speech, but it doesn't mean much these days. I did hear her fulminate fulsomely in the bar about over-sexy covers on her books ("After all, a spaceship never offended anyone"), an example which converted all the boringly intellectual and literary conversations going on into talk of tits and bums -- amid which I recalled that the covers of John Norman's novels culpably UNDERsold the porny potential of their interiors... Faintly puzzled punster James White (known in this ludicrously overdemocratic age as `Jim') was the hardworking, ubiquitous and unfailingly entertaining Fan GoH, and for a Sunday follow-up to those recovered from James's quietly funny speech, Bob Shaw took time out from being `strangely fascinated' by Lilian Edwards (and why not?) to tell of his friend von Donegan's latest invention, a solar-powered sunbed. Suitably horrendous, too, was the Vogon poetry competition -- a shame that the clear winner received no recognition. This was the Central Station announcer, who with enormous enthusiasm kept relaying his entries, in a Vogon voice of vast verisimilitude, direct into hotel bedrooms long after the competition had ended, in a desperate bid for the popular vote. More successful in this respect was John Brunner -- as, of course, One of a Team -- who secured the popular vote for Brighton rather than Blackpool, for Eastercon, Eurocon, Life, the Universe and Almost Everything. Both bid committees earned undying admiration for their valorous survival of a Trial by Trivia before a large audience ("How far would the Book Room be from the Breakfast Suite," demanded Ken Slater, convincing me that There Are Subtleties In All This That I Shall Never Understand). US fan Joe Siclari was wide-eyed at both the fine detail and what he politely called the `spirited' nature of the rival presentations, surpassing aught of that ilk encountered in the States. (One-night stands with trouser presses notwithstanding, the high point of MY con was being able to introduce avid fanhistory resurrectionist Joe and D.West, and suggest they must have much in the way of putative joint projects to discuss.) "The Book Room was one of those features designed to promote that healthy exercise so lacking at cons (others being high-speed potholing in crammed lifts and jogging from bar to bar in search of the last pint of real ale). Here the good old English game of Leapfrog was given new twists in the constricted aisles between loaded tables, the whole play area achieving a density equivalent to Saturday night in a black hole. Despite repeated visits which had little to do with buying books, Fate decreed I should fail to be projected into a plane of mind-blowing delights in a hyperspace encounter of the torrid kind with, for instance, the topologically improbable Lisanne Norman... Next door was the Video Room, with a continual and varied programme for those lobotomized hours or days at any con when one doesn't feel up to higher pursuits like standing up, moving about and so on. Interestingly, most of the audio that went with the video took place in the next (Alternative Programme) room: at last I saw the silent classic Metropolis, but to the accompaniment of a 70s US sitcom soundtrack, while Colin Fine's excellent talk `Language in SF' battled with a hidden curriculum on communication consisting, as far as one could tell, of an unedited recording of World War Three. But it was all Good Fun. "And so was watching the Bond-like suavity with which one DL of Reading detached gobbets of my wife's hair from his spectacles, mainly to assure himself that the Swedish room party surrounding him hadn't done a Mary Celeste. Luckily he completed this complex manoeuvre before midday on Monday, to regale an entranced and evil- minded Fan Room audience with the Ansible review of the steamiest scurrilia of a steamy twelvemonth. "TAFF winner Avedon Carol looked relaxed, happy and distinctly unlonesome; in this latter respect unlike Peter Weston, whose brave Fancy Dress Parade entry as Jophan, with brightly polished Shield of Umor, was met by a roof-raising cheer from the mighty BAFF (Born Again Fifties Fan) contingent in the hall (me), and bemused silence from the minority of 400 or so other fans. But there was plenty to keep THEM happy -- colour, spectacle, sex, smoke-bombs, all that any fan could hope for. Except possibly the Other Bob Shaw. Pity he couldn't be there; he might even have enjoyed himself." (Mal Ashworth) Albacon II reckons to have made around #1000 profit, but has received a #500 repairs bill for the famous plunging lift. (Katie Hoare, who knows everything about everything, thinks the hotel is culpable in having a faulty lift to begin with, as required safety cutouts should have immobilized the thing when overloaded. Any more experts out there?) As committee member Chris O'Kane just happens to be going out of the film projection business and into video, there are plans to buy up his equipment -- two 16mm projectors, screens, etc -- for free loan to any bona-fide con prepared to pay transport costs (from Scotland, hem hem). Also there's talk of buying ultrasonic alarms for Book Room etc security, available similarly. (DRL) FURTHER CONVENTION NOTES: UPDATES AND THINGS BECCON 83 (29-31 July): GoH Ken Bulmer, rooms #15 sngl #26 dbl/twin including VAT but not breakfast; other details Ansible 30. Great London SF Convention (12-14 Aug): see A31. The utter lack of UK publicity or a UK contact address for this US-run con has led some to speculate that it's a rip-off aimed at US visitors to the UK who will discover too late... Apparently the Grosvenor Hotel in London, the venue, admits only to a `provisional booking'. TRIPLE C CON (26-29 Aug): see A31. Trekkiecon. SILICON 7 (26-29 Aug): see A31. Rumour has it that the good old Grosvenor Hotel in Newcastle has changed hands following the bankruptcy of nice manager Mr Pepper, but that the new folk are friendly... X-CON (2-4 Sept, Eindhoven, Holland): see A30. CONSTELLATION (1-5 Sept, Baltimore, USA): 1983 Worldcon. See A30. UNICON 4 (2-4 Sept, U of Essex): see A30/31/32. MYTHCON (16-18 Sept, Brum): see A31. CON WITH NO NAME (Ditto): see A30. INVENTION 83 (23-25 Sept, Glasgow): see A30. GALACTICON (29-30 Oct): see A30. NOVACON 13 (4-6 Nov, Brum): see A31. Worried by low registrations resulting from the glut of cons and N12's being the first Novacon to achieve Worst Thing Poll ranking, Steve Green begs you all to sign up (#3.50 supp #7 att to 46 Colwyn Rd, Beeston, Leeds 11) and flock to N13's `high quality' filmshow and main, alternate, video and breakfast programmes. To titillate you he quotes from planned guest Toby Roxburgh's latest public utterances: "Isaac Asimov doesn't like flying, he doesn't like cars, he doesn't really like travel; he DOES like his wife, which I find astonishing... Bob Silverberg was a hack writer, a genius; a genius as a hack, not as a writer... Fritz Leiber looks like a bad El Greco sketch..." Back to Steve: "The major difficulty with this kind of high quality is that if we don't get the attendance we (and the Brum Group) could well go under." FANTASYCON VIII (14-16 Oct, Imperial Hotel, Brum) is listed out of sequence here owing to reasons. GoHs Gene Wolfe, Bruce Pennington etc... no other data as yet. Wolfe is visiting to promote the Arrow pb Citadel of the Autarch (signings expected at Andromeda, Forbidden Planet etc). By a wondrous coincidence the Book Marketing Council's SF promotion is planned for 10-22 October, with the BSFA's very own Geoff Rippington as one of the sinister triumvirate in charge; lots of Chris Foss artwork is expected in the promotional material. (By the way, Mike Yon's catalogue/ fanzine accuses me of being `closely associated' with the promotion and about having `voiced doubts' in Ansible about the BMC's restriction of the affair to `hard' sf. I'm not and I haven't.) CYMRUCON III (26-27 Nov, Cardiff): GoH Jon Brunner, appearances promised from Dougal Dixon and Warrior mag, #7 att rising to #8 in Aug; The Bower, High St, Llantwit Major, S.Glam. (04465-4282) SEACON 84 (20-23 April 84, Brighton Metropole): won Eastercon bidding at Albacon II and combines Eastercon with Eurocon. GoHs: Isaac Asimov, Chris Priest, Pierre Barbet, Josef Nesvadba, Waldemar Kumming (fan). Official rates etc should appear in PR1, due mid-May (hem hem): I'm fairly sure it's currently #8 att until November, less #1 if you were a presupporter, to 321 Sarehole Rd, Hall Green, Birmingham B28 0AL. After some vacillation about `keeping numbers down' the committee is going all out for a huge con with 3-5000 members, using the Brighton exhibition centre with the attached hotel as a mere fan room, applying for colossal UNESCO grants in view of the cultural wonderfulness of it all, etc. MEXICON (25-28 May 84, Royal Station Hotel, Newcastle): new sort of alternative con aiming to stress written sf with minimal media catering. Committee: Williams (K&S), Bell, Pickersgill (L&G), Frost, Hansen. #5 att to any of them or to 19 Jesmond Dene Rd, Jesmond, Newcastle-upon-Tyne NE2 3QT. Why the name? Aha... ALBACON 84 (20-23 July, Central Hotel, Glasgow): GoH John Sladek, #3 supp #8 att u.f.n. The lack of published address is because the committee (curiously similar to the Albacon II committee) is busy arranging a PO box; if in urgent need to contact them try c/o 34 Peninver Dr, Linthouse, Glasgow G51. I gather that this would have been called Faircon 84 if not for the Shaw Split and... FAIRCON 84 (20-23 July, Ingram Hotel, Glasgow): GoH Sydney Jordan, #5 supp #8 att, 2/L 244 W Prices St, Kelvinbridge, Glasgow, G4 9DP. Yes: to the annoyance of most runners of previous Faircons, Bob (Fake) Shaw is setting up on his own, with his solicitor (last seen writing threatening letters to previous Fairconcom members) and other equally fannish folk. To counteract the likely avoidance of this event by sf fans in general, Bob is pushing the comics side of things... OXCON (24-27 Aug, Oxford): see A31/32. The Stoke opposition having dropped out, this is the only Unicon `bid' remaining just now -- plenty of time for others to come forward, though, says Alex Stewart: "The Unicon charter is now in force, and sets down a few guidelines that should prevent anyone making too massive a cock-up. (It hasn't been officially ratified yet, as my copy went astray in the post, but the major clauses were agreed to verbally at Albacon.)" Since Oxcon planned to go ahead whether or not given the Unicon seal of approval, will it choose to do so rather than accept the Unicon Charter guidelines? We'll see. SANTACON (14- 16 Dec, Leeds Dragonara): see A30/31 Special BATTLEFIELD EARTH Update: George Hay reports that he's read the Hubbard epic and swears it's genuine Hubbard. In America, a weird charade involving special ink formulated by a forensics experts (in which Hubbard subsequently wrote documents later sworn to feature his own handwriting and fingerprints) is supposed to have proven the recluse's continued existence. (F770) Meanwhile NEL have cancelled their edition of BE despite extensive circulation of advance proof copies: most fascinating rumour is that this is due to pressure from the Scientology Org (but why?). US fans are still appalled by evil Charles Platt's failed attempt to discredit the Hugos by campaigning for BE's nomination, but apparently not appalled by the similar campaign of nice John and Bjo Trimble, who actually like the book: it's not what you do, it's who you are when you do it... THE SF LUNCH CLUB SHOCK HORROR SUPPLEMENT: OR, FEAR AND LOATHING ON JUNE 1ST The rest of this issue was intended to be all of this issue: but in my folly I nipped out to today's SF Lunch Club thingy (a three-monthly affair costing one vast sums for such delights as struggling through crowded and red-hot Central London to eat hot food and subsequently listen to Gerry Webb talk for hours while in the background restaurant flunkeys inexorably dismantle the bar... but I digress). Here an ashen-faced Les Flood, with the air of the Ancient Mariner drawing attention to his albatross, produced the details of the Book Marketing Council's SF promotion... concerning which, and notwithstanding the previous page, I now begin to have opinions and even Voice Doubts. The shortlist of 20 books for maximum-publicity promotion is as follows: Aldiss's Helliconia Spring, Asimov's Foundation trilogy, Ballard's The Drowned World, Benford's Timescape, Bishop's No Enemy But Time, Cherryh's Downbelow Station, Clarke's 2001 and 2010 (counted separately, making the Great Arthur the only author to officially figure twice -- more of this anon), Donaldson's White Gold Wielder (so much for a `hard sf bias'), Harrison's The Stainless Steel Rat for President, Herbert's Dune, Huxley's Brave New World, McCaffrey's The Crystal Singer, Moorcock's Dancers at the End of Time (one-volume edition from Granada later this year), Niven/Pournelle's The Mote in God's Eye, Orwell's 1984, Silverberg's Majipoor Chronicles, Wolfe's The Citadel of the Autarch, Wells's The War of the Worlds (Best SF of 1898) and Wyndham's The Day of the Triffids. Erk. Now I should explain that this is a paperback promotion, and the `sample population' consists of paperbacks available in October: those not yet out will appear as follows -- 2010 Granada Oct, NEBT Sphere Aug, DS Methuen June, WGW Fontana Sept, MC Pan Oct, CotA Arrow Oct. I thought about the list for a long while. I admired the daring risks taken in promoting all these unknown classics and bestsellers. I savoured the incidence of British authors in a British promotion -- seven, including all three dead ones here. I merrily calculated the average publication date of the books featured -- around 1966-7. I chuckled to see two series-end volumes which will be hugely promoted at the expense of the previous books. I laughed, I cried, I frothed at the mouth. "The judges selected such titles as Clarke's 2001 and Orwell's 1984, familiar to the general public, as the promotion aims not only to increase the sales among sf buffs but also to widen the market for the genre." Absolutely. The only way to sell books to the general public is to pick ones the general public have already read. (Quotation is from the official publicity flyer, courtesy of Les Flood.) So I rang Geoff Rippington, fandom's representative on the judging panel, and gibbered at him awhile. He filled in some background, as follows... The panel was stuck with a `History of SF' theme and therefore forced to include several oldies. Publishers were asked to nominate books from which the final 20 could be selected: the entire might of British paperback publishing managed to come up with 23, of which the judges couldn't bring themselves to accept more than 9 as being Worthy. Rather than junk the promotion, the panel ransacked publishers' backlists in search of plausible stuff, and tried to persuade said publishers to sponsor their choices. A certain reluctance was met with, owing to the fact that to sponsor a book required that one cough up #500 towards the promotion -- which is apparently why only the most recent Donaldson and Wolfe books are included, Fontana and Arrow being unable to afford the whole series. On the other hand, Granada sneaked through the Foundation trilogy by cunning negotiation, as a boxed set and thus a single item... Geoff also insisted that the panel was biased towards British authors, quite strongly so, but with the exceptions on the list could find no British publisher prepared to sponsor any book by a British author which the panel thought worthy. (Given the general state of sf lists over here, it's hard to find British authors at all, but even I can think of a few like Watson, or Shaw, or Holdstock, or Priest -- no, HE'S already been apotheosed...) Oh well. One can hardly wait. Also at the SFLC: Peter Nicholls revealed that he's slipped partially from the toils of Multimedia (see page 2) to be a freelance editorial director. George Hay and Roz Kaveney had a disappointingly polite confrontation concerning the very rude RK review of Battlefield Earth in Foundation, the which George considers unfair and wicked and to be taken up in letters to the editor. Malcolm Edwards made the shock horror revelation that he himself personally had just rejected BE upon its resubmission to Gollancz: probes in the direction of putative publishers NEL got the reply "we were going to publish it -- we'd bought it from St Martin's in the US -- but then we found we had to deal with these shady characters called Author Services Inc [promoters of BE] and so we dropped out..." (Or words to that effect.) Geoff Ryman gloated over having sold a story to Interzone, lucky sod, while John Clute mentioned that fantasy and stuff was easy to find for IZ, it was hard sf that was in short supply. Ken Campbell of theatrical fame leapt about explaining that he no longer wanted to adapt books and dramatize other peoples' boring old words: no, he wanted to do a `companion piece' to Dick's Valis. Somehow this metamorphosed into an account of a Batty Therapy weekend he and a friend had recently undergone, a sort of est affair whose principal activity appeared to be hurling your arms with graphic violence into the air while synchronously shouting "HOO!" Afterwards he and friend were both struck by the same thought, "I could run Batty Therapy weekends just as good as that, and at #55 a head..." Move over, Scientology. Malcolm (that man again) revealed a rumour that D.West had won the writer, new fan and fanartist categories of the Pong Poll, and grudgingly allowed that it would do no harm were Ansible to mention HOLDSTOCKWORLD -- R.Hansen's name for the fabulously lucrative `theme park' project to be based on the Holdstock/Edwards Alien Landscapes, providing Rob and Malcolm with luxurious all- expenses-paid trips to Canada for discussions, and thus enabling them to horrify and alarm Avedon Carol by welcoming her to Britain when she'd only got as far as Boston... Joy Chamberlain of Penguin insisted that the sf line was to be Rejuvenated in Spring 84: "You mean you're getting rid of Fred and Geoffrey Hoyle?" I asked with bated breath. "Oh God yes, they're so banal." Here I realized was a woman of rare scientyfictional taste. I leant closer. "You're getting rid of Jack Chalker??" Long pause. "Well, he does sell..." Somebody cheered me up by revealing that the Frederick Muller stock (see p.2) had all been sold off for #1000 because the outfit was losing so much money. In whispers I was told of the Stephen King Story Nobody Will Print Not Even Twilight Zone: "It's about this surgeon cast up on a desert island," said omniscient Chris Priest, "and he can only survive by eating bits of himself... But even more offensive and tasteless is the new Monty Python film, which Lisa and I saw in America while you haven't, har har." Gamma of Forbidden Planet demanded massive publicity for coming signings, Moorcock (The War Hound and the World's Pain, 6 Aug) and Aldiss (Helliconia Summer, 8 or 15 Oct). An anonymous Gollancz sf editor confessed to having purchased a Pohl `novel' of pieces written around `The Midas Plague' (Nov publication). Gerry Webb, on space or something, battled Maurice Goldsmith (on how science fiction is old hat and technology is more important than science and utopian tf will etc) in the Interminability Stakes, and fought to a draw... COA CATHY BALL, 712 N Stewart, Norman, OK 73071, USA :: PAT & GRAHAM CHARNOCK ("Now we've got our own rotting old 5-bedroom house!"), 45 Kimberley Gdns, Harringay, London N.4 :: CHRIS HUGHES & JAN HUXLEY, 128 Whitley Wood Rd, Reading, Berks, RG2 8JG :: ROY MACINSKI, 5 Bridge Ct, River Rd, Taplow, Bucks :: KEITH MARSLAND, 1 Northgate, Goosnargh, nr Preston, Lancs PR3 2BB :: PETER NICHOLLS (& Clare Coney), 83 Lavender Sweep, London, SW11 1EA until 27 June -- then 5 Furlong Rd, Islington, London N.7 :: TERESA & PATRICK NIELSEN HAYDEN c/o Kaufman & Tompkins, 4326 Winslow Pl N, Seattle, WA 98103, USA :: BOB & SADIE SHAW, 90 Albert Rd, Grappenhall, Warrington, Cheshire, WA4 2PG :: NICK TRANT as Roy Macinski :: KEV & SUE WILLIAMS, 19 Jesmond Dene Rd, Jesmond, Newcastle upon Tyne, NE2 3QJ :: MIKE XDICKINSON & JACKIE ZGRESHAM (subtle concealment of sequence error), c/o 146 N Parade, Sleaford, Lincs NG34 8AP from end June :: JIM ZZBARKER hasn't really moved but now has a daytime office at 2 Manor St, Falkirk, FK1 1NH :: 31-5-83 INFINITELY IMPROBABLE Leeds in 1985? First '85 Eastercon flyer is to hand, begging us all to rush #1 each to Yorcon III, 45 Harold Mt, Leeds LS6 1PW: other bids expected imminently... APPALLING NICHOLLS REVELATIONS: "We're being married at Islington registry July 16, followed by a piss-up, then a flight to San Francisco and a week on horseback in the High Sierras. I hope I do better than Humphrey Bogart in the same area... Have now signed a contract on Fantastic Cinema, 83,000 words to be delivered by Dec 31, published by Ebury Press May 84. This time I will try to do the work all by myself." (PN)... THINGS FOR SALE: I have a few copies each of Jerry Kaufman's Best of Susan Wood collection (80pp+covers) and P.Nielsen-Hayden's Fanthology 1981 (66pp+covers: Hayden, `Adverse', Atkinson x 2, White, Carol, Mayer, Smith, Bangsund, Priest, Langford, Benford) -- each #2 post free, proceeds to Worthy Causes. This is not so of the fabulous signed copies of the incredibly rare hardback War in 2080: The Future of Military Technology, yours for #3 pf... FANFUNDERY: DUFF was won by Jerry Kaufman (other candidates being Jan Finder, Charlotte Proctor, Alexis Gilliland); he'll be at Syncon 83, the Australian national con. GUFF with luck will bring a strange Australian entity to Seacon 84, names mentioned in this context being: Justin Ackroyd, Roger Weddall, Jean Weber and Someone Else. TAFF will very likely inflict a Eurosomeone on the LA Worldcon (84): rumoured names are Rob Hansen and Harry Bell but not, according to D.West, D.West. Some fans are even thinking ahead to TAFF 1985: Jeff Schalles wants to come over, as did Ted White, only to be sabotaged by Another Project (rumoured to be a guest slot at the near-cert 1985 Melbourne Worldcon)... THE SEACON SECRET: "Any hope of success for the Blackpool bid was destroyed when Graham James rose to support them." (M.Easterbrook)... JOE NICHOLAS REALLY DAVE LANGFORD! Flushed with the success of his first professional sale (an Albacon II report to Locus), Joseph was bemused to learn that BSFA awards he distinctly remembers presenting at that event were, according to SFC's infallible newshounds, handed out by D.Langford... REMAINDER FOLLIES: Fascinated as always by remaindering, your editor noticed various paperbacks going at 60-65p reduction in the local remainder shop -- Red Dragon, Fever, a heap of Dick Francis thrillers, The Golden Torc, The Nonborn King... Simultaneously, all were being sold at full price in a respectable local bookshop, as `new publications', and the first and last were even bestsellers. Would someone better acquainted than I with the Net Book Agreement explain all this to me?... IAN WATSON GLOATS -- "Just sold a new novel to Gollancz for Feb 84 pub date: The Book of the River, to be serialized in F&SF between late 83 and early 84. Gosh"... GREG BENFORD EXPLAINS AGAINST INFINITY -- "I suspect that the entire subtext (as we intellectuals say) of reference to US lit traditions, the whole theme of southern concerns etc -- all will be lost on UK audience. In latest Locus I noticed Chinese rug dealer reviewer was totally `bewildered' by last third of book, even after Charlie the B relayed word to him that reading some Faulkner might be helpful. On the other hand we must remember that sf is a nawthern intell-lecsul imperialism phenomenon anyway." (GB)... JOHN BRUNNER AGAIN -- reporting annoyance at a surprise announcement that he'd be at Italcon (23-25 April Italy) despite having said he couldn't; despite this he got the Premio Italia 83, whatever that may be, at another Italian con a week later, and in May the Grand Prix of the 3e Festival de l'Insolite in Provence. (All I got on MY 1983 hols was the Grand Prix de Barclaycard Overspending)... MUNDANES, says D.Schweitzer, is what the new generation of US mediafans likes to call the boring old farts who read books and fanzines... RIP: Max Ehrlich -- The Big Eye -- on 11 Feb; Rebecca West -- The Meaning of Treason etc, but gets into sf newszines thanks to 10 years as great and good friend of H.G.Wells -- on 15 March... THAT DUNE FILM: media master R.I.Barycz sends mounds of wearyingly circumstantial data ("budget $40M, shooting began 30-3-83 in Mexico City" etc). A pal of Paul Kincaid's has inside data corroborating this: "shooting scheduled to finish November... Francesca Annis plays leading female role, and apparently appears in virtually every scene... also due to appear briefly in the sequel already scheduled" (As Jessica, I suppose). OK. I believe you all. Enough... PUZZLE CORNER: Which leading newszine complains about fans reprinting material without permission, yet swipes Ansible news without permission (which I don't mind) and without giving credit (which I do)? Clue: not File 770... LISA TUTTLE dared to defend the Best Young British Novelists campaign in Time Out recently, but was properly put in her place by erstwhile fan Chris Fowler who wrote in to say that she was "hardly a disinterested party, for she is married to none other than Christopher Priest." Ooh, savage... BLOOD! VIOLENCE! DEATH! ACRIMONY! Thus our Joseph's verbal account of his resignation as Vector reviews editor, depleted from a former 10,000 words by excision of libellous references to V editor G.Rippington... END OF THE WORLD NEWS: Leroy Kettle sends clippings revealing a) that flatulent termites are going to increase the world's mean temperature, while (b) the eruption of an obscure Mexican volcano will decrease the world's mean temperature. "the temperature has already dropped enough to wipe out herds of anchovies (personally I'd have thought the tins would have protected them) so the termites have got quite a bit of farting to do to catch up. There's definitely a disaster novel in there somewhere... STOPPED PRESS: I really meant to publicize the SFF `SF & Psychology' evening at the City Lit (23 May) and the Forbidden Planet signing of S.King's Christine, but. King plus entourage appeared at the 2nd BFS pub evening on 13 May, and our roving reporter Nic Howard nearly touched him... LAST-MINUTE COAs: ROELOF GOUDRIAAN, Postbus 1189, 8200 BD Lelystad, Netherlands (so much for the small print on page 1); Jean Weber c/o Eric Lindsay, 6 Hillcrest Ave, Faulconbridge, NSW 2776 (temporary, while resting after operation)... CHRIS ATKINSON (and to a certain extent Malcolm Edwards) heroically produced another future Ansible subscriber on 25 May and named Tappen^H^H^H^H^H^H Thomas... ============================================================= HAZEL'S LANGUAGE LESSONS #24: Tibetan gos-kyi yab-mo byed-pa to beckon by waving one's clothes dkan-guyer the wrinkles of the roof of the mouth * ANSIBLE THIRTY-THREE * Edited by Dave Langford, 94 London Road, READING, Berks. RG1 5AU, England. ANSIBLE 34, July 1983: PLEASE NOTE that this old ANSIBLE is a bit of history. Addresses may have changed (though the editor's postal address hasn't), prices and agents' credits are invalid, etc. This issue was produced in my BWP or Before-Word-Processors era and lovingly rekeyed for the archives by TONY SMITH ... to whom many thanks! Dave Langford, ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk, 1994. ============================================================= ANSIBLE 34: the July 1983 issue of Britain's optician- sponsored SF newsletter wings its minuscule way to you from DAVE LANGFORD, 94 LONDON ROAD, READING, BERKSHIRE, RG1 5AU, UK. Scientific tests show that nobody ever reads this tiny print: I can say what I like here, I can libel John Brunner and Harry Harrison, I can raise the subscription rates and fandom will never... wait a minute. Note last issue's increase, please: #2 brings you seven issues wherever you live, airmailed outside the UK. Sterling notes/cheques to me, also dollar bills; Giro transfer to a/c 24 523 0408; $ cheques to US agents Mary & Bill Burns, 23 Kensington Ct, Hempstead, NY 11550 (they invite you all to their pre-worldcon party there on 27 Aug, 4pm onward); Euromonies to Roelof Goudriaan, Postbus 1189, 8200 BD Lelystad, Netherlands; Leigh Edmonds distributes Australian copies but doesn't yet take subs. Cartoon by D. (Famous Dave) West; labels superlatively dataprocessed by Keith (Infallible) Freeman. Please read your label and note that: LASTISH XX means XX is the last Ansible you get on your current subscription (all who now write in to observe that we're already up to issue XXXIV will be Punished); SUB DUE means the chopper is ready to fall, avertable only by sending Langford money (as above) or hot news (credit given at editorial discretion); ***** means you are on the dustbin of history and lucky to see this issue at all, as increasing poverty is causing me to prune the list ever more ruthlessly; TRADE means you're currently getting free copies in exchange for your frequent newszine, for sundry nameless favours, or out of shameless Langfordian sycophancy. This issue's immediate mailing goes to 327 addresses, same as last time since new subscribers have balanced out a fairly ruthless purge. Help! Nuclear Debate Thought for Today, from the notebooks of Samuel Butler: "We shall never get people whose time is money to take much interest in atoms." (circa 1880.) ============================================================= DON'T THROW AWAY seemingly valueless sf oddments like those J.Brunner form postcards (with a tick against the phrase `Your fanzine was junk mail fit only for recycling'). One Colin Huggett of Sheffield offers such rare memorabilia for sale: an 8-word typed postcard from Asimov goes for #6, a 32-word handwritten one from Aldiss is #10. Bradbury only has to write his name and `Hallo' on a form letter to make it worth #10.50, while Clarke does the same and adds `All good wishes' but rates a mere #7.50. Star item at #30 is a carbon of Priest's `The Invisible Men', listed as `possibly unpublished' (actually published twice at least)... Invited to comment, Brian Aldiss rushed back a 59-word handwritten postcard demanding a cheque of commensurate value, and ever- informative Chris Priest revealed all: "I remember being approached by someone called Colin Something, a few years ago. Represented himself as a lifelong fan, whose collection would not be complete without a signed MS. Smelt fishy to me, so ignored it. Then he wrote again later. I called Brian, and asked him what to do. Brian said: `Oh that bastard...I think he's a dealer.' So ignored him again. After a third letter I decided no harm would come of sending him a bottom carbon copy of my worst story, thinking that he'd never get a price for it. Now, years later, it emerges with a #30 tag. Ho ho ho." (CP) Offers for the full 239-word typed letter with rare indecipherable Priest signature may be sent to the usual address. ISAAC ASIMOV, somewhat to the chagrin of the Seacon 84 committee, has belatedly decided that his promise to come here as Guest of Honour `health permitting' actually meant `health and absence of lucrative novel contracts permitting'. While Asimov exits giggling to write a sequel to FOUNDATION'S EDGE, the committee (no doubt murmuring "Our gain is literature's loss") is seeking an alternative US guest, said to be Philip Jose Farmer. Asimov's defection is one reason for further delay of Progress Report 1, planned for mid-May and currently due Real Soon Now. But, three months to the day from its bid victory, Seacon HAS produced its first publication, a page of information with the proper European air of having been translated from Serbo-Croat. Attending membership costs #7 (rising in December), payable to Seacon 84, 321 Sarehole Road, Hall Green, Birmingham, B28 0AL; Brighton Metropole hotel rates #16.50/person/night inc. breakfast, and ditto in the Bedford (overflow). Paid-up pre-supporters of both the Blackpool and Brighton bids for this 1984 Eastercon/Eurocon get #1 off membership. Meanwhile, the infosheet mysteriously insists that two of the remaining four Guests of Honour (Chris Priest, Pierre Barbet) are NOT guests but merely authors who are coming along -- though I suspect this is an error of ace creative typist Alan Dorey. CHINESE SF SECRETS: writing in the TLS, the possibly famous Yang Xianyi reveals all. "There is a vogue for sf in China today... [BUT] Chinese people do not have pessimistic ideas that the world is going to be dominated by insects, robots or creatures from outer space, or destroyed by a nuclear holocaust or other catastrophe; so they find most present-day Western sf too depressing and unacceptable." The phraseology is familiar enough to make you wonder whether the editors of ASIMOV'S SF MAG are secretly Chinese. MAGAZINES: IMAGINE and WHITE DWARF, sf/fantasy games mags covered last issue, currently have circulations of 15 and 18.5 thousand respectively; fiction rates seem to vary with auctorial fame, around #25-30 from I, #15-25 from WD, per thousand words. INTERZONE, depressingly, is doing rather less well: Dave Pringle, as usual ashen-faced and tight-lipped, says "As of mid-June we had received only about 25% of the anticipated resubscriptions. If more people don't resubscribe soon we're going to have to TAKE MEASURES. Keep Britain's only sf magazine alive! The small ad which we paid #130 to place in the GRAUNIAD books page a month ago has resulted in just 7 subscriptions. Count them: 7. Out of a GUARDINA readership of, what? Half a million? It's at times like this that us sf fans feel with perfect justification that we're part of a tiny persecuted minority." (DP) Ouch. Rush Dave a fiver today, you deadbeats... The long-promised SEBASTIAN (Intergalactic Art Ltd, 31 Morecambe Street, London, SE17 1DX) recently appeared, 64pp inc. glossy covers, a strange semipro affair dominated by artwork and comic strips from Huge French Names in translation, plus some fiction. #2.50 + 50p p&p, says secret master Patrice Bernard; issue 2 in a year or so, depending on colossal response... SWEDEN: An anonymous Stockholm source reports that that great work THE SCIENCE IN SF will appear from huge publishing firm Norstedts there next year, translated and -- ominous word -- edited by Sam J.Lundwall. He plans to revise the text and remove claimed anglo-chauvinistic errors ("Frankenstein's monster wasn't the first artificially created human in the literature, for instance"), no doubt replacing all those boring Anglo-US references with really important Swedish authors like H.G.Wellsson, Mary Shellejsdottir and Lucian of Samosataholm. Reports of numberless references to the works of hugely famous Sam J.Lundwall are eagerly awaited. Meanwhile it is MERE COINCIDENCE that roving reporter Marc Ortlieb has been reading Harry Harrison's STARWORLD, there to find the line: `Old Lundwall, who commands the SVERIGE, should have retired a decade ago....' No comment, thanks. BOOK MARKETING COUNCIL OCTOBER SF PROMOTION: Geoff Rippington went on about this in VECTOR 114, revealing among other things that the Gang Of Four who picked the books to be plugged had a mere 6 days in which to locate and read the nominated books: naturally lifelong skiffyfan Geoff was the only one who did. (His printed account differs in small details from what I extracted over the telephone: it apparently cost #600 per book to nominate for the promotion, plus 50% for non-BMC publishers, explaining certain strange absences; and the `history of sf' theme used to justify the older choices was only dreamed up at the last second in face of unremitting awfulness of newer material.) Geoff lists 23 titles -- he says 27 but that's his problem -- so, omitting the final choices listed in A33, here are the Ones That Didn't Make It... GRANADA "COMPLETE SHORT STORIES OF RAY BRADBURY", "THE ENCYCLOPAEDIA OF SF" (Nicholls); MICHAEL JOSEPH "THE SCIENCE IN SF" (Nicholls, Whatsisname, Stableford); HODDER (it says here) "FRIDAY" (Heinlein); CORGI "RADIX" (Attanasio), "DINOSAUR TALES" (Bradbury), "SECRET HISTORY OF TIME TO COME" (MacAuley); ARROW "RUN TO THE STARS" (Rohan); SPHERE "FADE- OUT" (Tilley), "VANEGLORY" (Turner), "THE AMTRAK WARS" (Tilley). At the inaugural SF Supper Club meeting, or more accurately piss-up (at which Kingsley Amis read out all his favourite reviews of his Golden Age collection, several people enthused "This is what the One Tun should be like" even as they fell over, and next day convalescent organizer Priest remarked "It must have been good, people have been phoning all morning to apologize for things -- ")... I heard strange promotional gossip: what happened to the 2/3 books Futura say they nominated? Or the great Langford novel which Richard Evans swore on a full pint glass had been nominated by Arrow? Was the list somehow weeded even before the selectors saw it? Richard also complained that nominating "2001" was a waste of time, seeing as Arrow sold a steady 20,000 copies every year, the market saturation level. I told you so. Last word from that man Priest: "One of the things which I haven't seen commented on is the disproportionate bias towards British authors. 40% of the writers are British, and this is a scandalous misrepresentation of the sf field as a whole. Also, most of them are dead, which is a bit lacking in taste, if you ask me. All the Americans are alive, so why can't the British be?" (That's enough Priest this issue -- Ed.) BOOKS & THINGS: John Bush of Gollancz got quite excited at the June BSFA meeting. In a sneak preview of coming sf masterpieces, he casually yawned his way through familiar names, "another Shaw, another Sladek, and [EYELIDS DROOP] another Watson..." But then, in a sudden galvanic spasm: "You must read this one book we're doing! [WAVES ARMS, LEAPS UP AND DOWN] It's called GOLDEN WITCHBREED by Mary Gentle... [FROTHS AT MOUTH, HURLS BEERMUGS AT INATTENTIVE LISTENERS] On September 1st YOU WILL ALL GO OUT AND BUY IT!" Joe Nicholas was seen to regard with awe the fingers with which he'd mistyped so many of Mary's reviews for the BSFA... FIRST BYTE is Mike Rohan's vade-mecum of home computing for the ignorant (EP #3.95), notable among other things for Jim Barker cartoons, one of which contrives to use Jim's ANSIBLE mailing label not only as an example of dot-matrix printing but so millions of dazzled readers can now write to Jim and commission artwork... THE WHOLE TRUTH COMPUTER HANDBOOK is Charles Platt's rival book on why you don't need one of the stupid machines really: it's illustrated by Dan Steffan, is as yet unsold in the UK, and will be translated into English from the original American text by -- argh!... `The Book of the New Sun' has maddened Tom Disch and John Clute into planning an entire critical work analyzing the subtle bits, and famous Mr Clute has developed an answer to the burning question `Who was Severian's mother?' which he threatens to justify in vast textual detail anytime I approach him with the magic phrase "You are the FOUNDATION man and I claim my free insomnia cure"... Pocket/Timescape are having a further shakeup, with the entire sf line editing farmed out (with the exception of really important STAR TREK books which cannot be trusted to others) to the hacks of the Scott Meredith Literary Agency in New York. Lovable former Timescape editor Dave Hartwell gets the boot (not at all amicably, we hear) and will be out by the end of October; there are hints that the now well known Timescape imprint (famous for publishing most recent award nominees etc) will, in a stroke of dazzling market acumen, be renamed. (SOURCES: everyone really, but Bob Shaw -- traumatized by a transatlantic phone call -- was first.)... Peter Lavery, spelt like that and not the way LOCUS prefers, has the Hamlyn as well as Arrow backlists to play with at Arrow now, the former having been bought up by Hutchinson/Arrow. Sources insist that the gaffes of the famous Hamlyn line, such as publishing millions of books and storing them carefully in a warehouse until deciding that the poor sales demanded remaindering, were the fault of others. (Signed Grovelling Arrow Author)... Famous `Network News' editor Martin Morse Wooster, whose plea "Write for me as you would write for TAPPEN" was featured last issue, enthusiastically bounced a Langford submission with the classic words "We're not prudes, but -- " Corrected specification: write as you would for TAPPEN, but omitting anything in the nature of rude words, horrid innuendo, mention of bodily orifices (ears may possibly be OK in certain circumstances), tappens, and most other things to be found in TAPPEN... Peter Winnington of the Peake Society has been querying E.F.Bleiler's rumoured omission of Peake from a forthcoming fantasy-author compendium, "and got a strange answer which made reference only to the recently published GUIDE TO SUPERNATURAL FICTION `in which I did include Peake's MR PYM [sic]' -- do you play verbal golf? He's found how to get from Poe to Peake in one!" (GPW)... Malcolm Edwards reports imminent Penguin & Puffin editions of his almost famous reprint antho CONSTELLATIONS (1980): same cover, same layout, different price. Still bemused, he writes on A33: "Speaking as the editor who bought AGAINST INFINITY over here I confess myself wholly baffled by Greg Benford's letter. Influence of Faulkner? Must go back and read MOONFLEET again... `TF' = termite farting, do you think?" (MJE) TAFF: Malcolm denies D.West's denial of TAFF candidacy. "D.West is too standing for TAFF. He has no choice in the matter. If need be he will be the first write-in TAFF winner. (Signed: The Secret Masters.) Our slogan is, `Send D. West to de west'." (MJE) As TD readers know, Famous Dave is proposing an alternative D.West Fan Fund to bring some lucky and deserving person like Ted White to D's own home in Bingley. Already his eldritch powers are working to make the town a place of pilgrimage: the current Soc of Authors mag has a list of hotels offering discount to members, and naturally only a handful of places are willing to encourage vile creatures like authors, but of these the very first is the Hall Bank Hotel in, of course, Bingley... RIP: Zenna Henderson of `People' fame died on 11 May, of cancer. She was 65. (LOCUS) RANDOM CONVENTION UPDATES: ALBACON II has paid half of the #500 lift repair bill from the Central Hotel (this being not so much Justice as an attempt to keep the hotel sweetened for future cons). Steve Green complains that the world famous COFF award, handed by Kev Clarke to the hotel porter before numberless witnesses, was never seen again and according to the hotel never had been seen by their porter: ANSIBLE suspects the trophy's construction is to blame, the beerglass `dome' over the legendary model Concrete Overcoat having probably been `repossessed' for the hotel bar, the rest discarded, the embarrassment of admitting to this being relentlessly avoided... EUROCON 8 is not Seacon 84 after all (it'll be Eurocon 9): the Yugoslavs have succeeded in having their September 16-18 (1983) con at Cankarjev Dom, Ljubljana, recognized as a Eurocon, which now becomes an annual -- not biennial -- event. $5US supp, $10 att (cheque/IMO/cash, or approx equivalent in other hard currency) payable to Elizabeta Bobnar, Ul.Ivanke Ovijac 4, YU-61215 MEDVODE, Yugoslavia... UNICON 4 (2-4 Sept, U of Essex): "Oh shit!" quipped merry chairman Alex Stewart after losing two Guests of Honour in one day -- John Sladek plans to be in America and Angela Carter in hospital come convention time. Even more famous Ian Watson is GoH, unless his pre-election predictions come to pass and all sf authors in Thatchers Britain are herded into a concentration camp, there to be subjected to life sentences of readings from the works of R.L.Fanthorpe... SEACON 84 -- word reaches my ear that the planned simultaneous translation services look like costing over #3000 (including free rooms for a horde of professional interpreters), or somewhat more than the base figure for ALL other technical equipment and services. "No big fat UN grant, no simultaneous translation," hints a glum informant... SPRING BANK HOLIDAY 1984 event has a slight name correction: not Mexicon but Tynecon II: The Mexicon. The idea is to found a dynasty of Mexicons, each at the same time of year but with different locations and identifying names, like the Eastercon but (they say) better. #5 to Sue Williams, 19 Jesmond Dene Road, Jesmond, Newcastle- upon-Tyne, NE2 3QT. Hotel rates (Royal Station, Newcastle) #13.25/person dbl/twin, ditto sngl-without-bath, #16.50 sngl- with-bath... FANTASYCON VIII (see A33): "We haven't yet released details," says Jo Fletcher of the BFS repressively (no doubt the BFS tradition of keeping Fantasycon hushed up...). Gene Wolfe IS GoH; Bruce Pennington isn't a guest but `may turn up'; Ken Bulmer will be MC; `more details later' (JF) OUR TEETH GRATED, AND MY NIPPLES WENT SPUNG! All true fans will at once recognize this famous line from THE NUMBER OF THE BEAST, and 102% will hastily add "Of course I didn't read the book, I saw it quoted somewhere." TLS coverage of a book on Japanese comics now suggests a source for Heinlein's subtle onomatopoeia: there are conventional sounds for all sorts of things like slurping noodles (SURU-SURU), reddening with embarrassment (PO), adding cold cream to hot coffee (SURON) and vanishing into thin air (FU). Amid all this I find the glad news that "When a penis suddenly stands erect the accepted sound is BIIN." When BIIN is found, can SPUNG be far behind? THOMAS PAUL ATKINSON EDWARDS is the full name of, er... EPISTOLAE ET CETERA BRIAN ALDISS -- "The 6th Annual Meeting of World SF passed off peacefully in Zagreb, 16-20 June. The Jugoslav hosts did a great job; experienced con-goers (like Elsie Wollheim & Sam Lundwall) voted it the best con ever. The new WSF awards were a success. Gerbish received one for DEDICATED SERVICE. An emerald green Harrison Award -- named after our founder* -- went to Bruce Gillespie. Russian & Chinese delegates (the popular Weng Fengzhen) were present. Next year: Brighton." (*Founder Harrison? Michael? M.John? George? Give us a clue, Brian... Ed.) ALEX STEWART -- "The BFI yearbook thudded onto my doormat the other day, and, much to my surprise, it lists no less than seven sf/fantasy/horror films currently in production in the UK. Plus whatever may have started since the new year, of course. In case anyone's interested, in alphabetical order, they are: GREYSTOKE -- multi-megabuck Burroughs, from Hugh "Chariots of Fire" Hudson. HOUSE OF THE LONG SHADOWS -- Price, Lee, Cushing and Carradine. No plot summary, but with a cast like that who cares? THE KEEP -- Nazis fight demons in a creepy old castle. How can they tell them apart? KRULL -- sword & sorcery thingie. No different from all the rest, I suspect. THE SENDER -- fun and games with a suicidal telepath. (I'm not making these up, honestly.) SUPERMAN III -- 'nuff said. If you don't know what to expect by now... SWORD OF THE VALIANT -- Sean Connery, Peter Cushing, Ronald `Coathanger' Lacey take another crack at Sir Gawain and the Green Knight... The thing I find most interesting is the obvious trend away from space and futuristic subjects towards pulp adventure and the paranormal. I'm not sure if this represents the start of a new cycle, or just reflects the lower budgets available in the UK." GEORGE FLYNN -- "As you may have heard, ConStellation has subcontracted to NESFA the production of a book of John Brunner's songs. These are about evenly divided between SF parodies and political songs (about rotten landlords, murdering generals, and all that sort of thing); the latter produced a minor outbreak of revulsion among the more conservative NESFA members, who subsided upon being informed that we already had a contract." (NESFA: New England SF Assoc, o ignorant ones.) RAMSEY CAMPBELL (re the once `unprintable' King tale mentioned in A33) -- "As for its being refused publication elsewhere, I for one never saw it, nor even knew of its existence until after I'd closed NEW TERRORS. I gather it has now been published in America, I believe in a Charles L.Grant anthology. Speaking of unprintability, I can claim to be the author of the (commissioned in advance) story the LIVERPOOL DAILY POST wouldn't print ('Calling Card') and the TWILIGHT ZONE story that Herbert van Thal wouldn't use in his pornographic Pan series ('Again'), though I'm not sure if the latter is because it was too tasteful or too disturbing. Both events can now be seen as stages in my progress to being the British horror author nobody in Britain will print -- at least, as of now I'm wholly out of print in Britain save for some of my anthologies and a few short stories. `We all go down together, mate,' Chris Priest comforts." (Ouch.) PETER WAREHAM contributes a snippet from "TV-Cable Week" spotted during his us holiday -- "How do you script a sequel to a film in which the protagonists buy the farm? Well, writers Terry (CANDY) Southern and Michael (SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE) O'Donoghue are even now polishing BIKERS' HEAVEN, a vehicle for EASY RIDERS Dennis Hopper and Peter Fonda. As Hopper, 47, has come to explain the new movie: `It takes place 100 years after a nuclear holocaust. This guy on a golden Harley comes down from outer space and brings Peter and me back to life to save America, which has been overrun by mutant bike gangs, black Nazis and lesbian sadists.' Oh." (The piece is unsigned, but here at "Ansible" we feel the author has the right attitude. Watch for sequels to "On the Beach", "Dr Strangelove"...) AHRVID ENGHOLM -- "SEFF, the Scandinavian-European Fan Fund, intends to bring over a scandinavian fan to Seacon 84. Any fan may nominate one candidate -- send your nomination of the Swedish fan you'd like to see at Seacon 84, no later than 18 AUGUST 1983, to me at Maskinistgaten 9 Ob, S-117 47 Stockholm, Sweden. The most popular fans will later appear on the final ballot which will be distributed this autumn. Donations to the fund are highly appreciated!" (To clarify: nominations need not be accompanied by donations, but they'd be welcome; voting will require a donation as with TAFF/DUFF/GUFF. Ahrvid is Scandinavian administrator and is still after a UK administrator for SEFF. Also he's editorial secretary of Sweden's "Teknik-Magasinet" (means more or less what it sounds like), sponsored by the biggest local magazine publishers and with a planned run of 50,000. Autumn launch. Another real fan, Anders Palm, is editor-in-chief, and sf, reviews and fannish articles are expected. Ahrvid also hopes to run translations of published stories by UK writers.) DAVE LOCKE sends a thrilling news item -- "FANNISH LITTLE AMATEUR PRESS HAS SLIGHT FLAP... Co-OE Locke was observed scratching his head as zine after incoming zine contained mailing comments castigating ace fanwriter Langford for subtle, invidious and unspecified remarks made in the previous mailing against the personage of the co-OE. Langford himself, in responding to Locke's review of THE SPACE EATER, commented `Lots of thanks, and I take back all the obscure jokes about you last issue'... Due to recent experiments in FLAP to encode messages by such devious means as underlining letters or using the first word or first letter of each sentence, reviewing Langford's two-page `last issue' for subtle or encoded slander became a task of almost forbidding proportions. Before he was carried away, the co-OE was finally observed holding the potentially offending sheet of paper up to a mirror while sprinkling his own urine on it..." (Strange people, these Americans, eh?) L5: Charles Platt passes on an L5 Society flyer featuring a really quite remarkably illiterate exhortation to join, from Robert Heinlein. With amusement Charles points out the naked nationalism ("The construction crews may speak Chinese or Russian -- Swahili or Portuguese" warns RAH in accents of horror) followed by hasty internationalism: "Space is big enough for everyone -- all races, all languages." So long as America gets there first... SUSAN WOOD collection (advertised last issue)sold out, but the `Best Fanwriting of 1981' collection is still available from me for #2 post free, proceeds to TAFF... BIG IKE: ANSIBLE, the fnz of sweetness and light, has found something nice to say about Asimov (in SFC). Proof copies of his novel THE ROBOTS OF DAWN are infesting America, while, because Asimov is a lonely and obscure author devoid of public recognition, Columbia U is cheering him up with an honorary doctorate. "Writing brilliantly about the future," they told him encouragingly, "you have shown a profound understanding of the past; your respect for fact is equalled only by the penetration of your fantasies." Excuse me, I feel momentarily unwell... SPACE-EX 1984, the planned hugecon, came nostalgically to mind when I unearthed their last publication, the Jan 1981 newsletter which opened with a broadside of dyslexic denials of the rumoured cancellation. Oh, fond memories. A letter to organizers ISTRA evoked no reply. Anyone pay money for this thing? Anyone hear from them recently? Anyone get any money back?... MICHAEL WHELAN recently broke his right wrist in karate class, reports SFC: I can think of many artists and writers far more deserving of this incapacity... SPACE EATER 6th favourite first novel in LOCUS poll! Wow. My thanks to both voters... HUGOS: the statistically implausibly number of ties which produced more or less than the standard five finalists in four Hugo categories and the JWC award (Hugo categories were novel, novella [somehow I omitted mention of K.S.Robinson's `To Leave a Mark' here in A33], artist, fanwriter) resulted from the Worldcon committee's decision that two items less than X votes apart, X not being specified, would be treated as tied. Need I remark that the Hugo rules make no such provision? (F770)... AVEDON CAROL reaches page 16 of TAFF report! COA WILLIAM BAINS, 1950 Cooley Avenue #5207, Palo Alto, CA 94303, US :: JIM BARKER, pesty fellow, asks me to stress that his business address as mentioned last issue is not for mere fanzines etc -- send to his home, 113 Windsor Road, Falkirk, FK2 5DB :: AL FITZPATRICK, 214 Morsetown Road, West Milford, NJ 07480, USA :: STEVE HIGGINS, 26 Montague Road, Hornsey, London, N8 9PJ :: AKE JONSSON, Regementsgatan 53, S-723 45 VASTERAS, Sweden :: ANN LOOKER, 12 Russell Street, Swansea, Wales, SA1 4HR :: VIC NORRIS, 29 rue des Chapelles, Sevres 92310, France :: EUNICE PEARSON & PHILL PROBERT, "Ballard's View", 32 Digby House, Colletts Grove, Kingshurst, Birmingham, B37 6JE :: DAI PRICE (to end August), 2 Gaer Road, Newport, Gwent, NPT 3AD :: GEOFF RYMAN (from 15 July), Manor Farm Cottage, Crawley Road, Old Minster Lovell, Oxon :: CYRIL SIMSA is moving he knows not where in mid-to-late July: mail c/o 18 Muswell Avenue, London, N10 2EG :: JEFF SUTER (but NOT Pam Wells, who is staying put), 4 Henry Road, Finsbury Park, London N.4 :: SIMONE WALSH, 74 Corsebar Road, Top Flat/Left, Paisley, Scotland, PA2 9PS :: ROB WELBOURN, Flat 7, 11 Eldon Square, Reading, RG1 4DP :: To answer certain confused enquiries: you don't have to be famous to have your CoA mentioned here; it's automatic if you're an A subscriber or buddy; otherwise, try intimidation or (especially) bribery :: Unusually, we have some Changes of Name: GRAHAM KOCH (formerly Graham England, but he lives in Germany where postmen get very confused by the old surname and send his mail back over here) :: MIKE DON (formerly known, though only in ANSIBLE, as Mike Yon thanks to his awful handwriting and anonymity in his own fanzine) :: CATHRYN EASTHOPE :: INFINITELY IMPROBABLE APPALLING SCENES AT BRUNNER'S SILVER WEDDING PARTY (2 July), if any, were not observed by your editor, nor by the steering committee of Seacon 84 (J.Brunner, Co-Chairman) since they were cleverly scheduled for a meeting in Birmingham that day... Marjorie Brunner sends harrowing details of the return from their Italian trip (car hood ripped off, wine, presents and other valuables removed) and John a release about how the month abroad since January, the coming teaching at the Arvon Foundation (mid-July), the International Conference of Writers in Hiroshima (end July), the Baltimore Worldcon GoH appearance followed by something else in California and Cymrucon GoH-ing (Nov)... all this and Seacon 84 is slowing up his current novel. Poor John... "MY, HE'S RATHER GOOD-LOOKING" said Ted White of a certain British fan caught in Avedon Carol's UK photographs, and according to her was quite disappointed that she hadn't fooled around (her phrasing) with this sensuous chap. Good-looking? "I hadn't really thought so myself, and certainly not from these pictures of him, but Ted was, well, intrigued, I guess. Well, is this a new transatlantic romance in the making?" (AC) The UK fan in question was, of course, Phil Palmer... GROUP THEORY: Reading skiffyfans meet these days on the 3rd Thursday each month (Railway Tavern, Greyfriars Street, ignore Steve Green's BSFA Clubs Directory -- I hear the Gannet venue there is some years out of date, too). Steve himself, famous for having interviewed Margaret Thatcher during her pre-election Brum visit ("didn't use the opportunity to attempt an assassination before the election, thus saving the entire country the mindnumbing torment of staying up for the results, alas..." SG), mentions the Solihull group's habit of meeting 2nd Sunday each month (Red House, Hermitage Road) and charging #1/year membership. All pales before the egregious `SF in Southend' under infant prodigy Joe Beedell, whose habits of charging lots for membership, offering little in return bar the chance to subscribe to a group fanzine, buying unspecified quantities of office equipment for his own use from group funds, raising subs in a tactful way whereby to have paid #3 or whatever last week still leaves you liable for #4 or whatever immediately after the increase... these rumoured habits have caused Unrest, and even now Joe is getting in Real Accountants to audit everything, scotch rumours and find the #100 or so alleged to have gone missing (AS)... THE ANSWER: #2A is the cryptic comment scribbled in my deadly notebook against the names of those who have just given me #2 subscription for something called A. "Good grief," said Martin Hoare, interrupting execution on his mouth/ale interface, "that's the Answer to Life, the Universe and Everything, in hexadecimal!" As of this year Mr Hoare is 1F even though he may look 4F... FORBIDDEN PLANET SF CON (US) has Charles Platt in charge of programming: by the time you read this Samuel Delany should have interviewed A.E.van Vogt (the mind splurgs) and Tom Disch, if not restrained, will have read his coming TWILIGHT ZONE hatchet job on the complete works of Jack Chalker, to an audience consisting largely of Jack Chalker... COLIN GREENLAND, famous author, has at last sold his famous novel DAYBREAK ON A DISTANT MOUNTAIN to Unwin's pb fantasy line. Greenland Appreciation Society supremo Ian Watson is counting the minutes until he lays hands on a review copy... FANTASYCON data just arrived, and I take back any unkind thoughts which may have crossed my mind in the remote past (p.2). 14-16 Oct, New Imperial Hotel, Brum: #7.50 att (#6.50 BFS members) to 15 Stanley Road, Morden, Surrey. Rooms #12.50/person/night. COA: STEVE JONES/JO FLETCHER/BFS publications, 130 Park View, Wembley, Middlesex, HA9 6JU... RIP: Bob Pavlat, longtime fan and FAPA stalwart, died of pneumonia on 17 June; he was 57. Buster Crabbe, Olympic gold medallist famous for playing Flash Gordon (& Buck Rogers) died of a heart attack at 75, on 17 April (DAVE LOCKE, SFC)... BARRY BAYLEY spoke to the Brum Group in June. Why did Brumfans later shudder in horror at the suggestion that he be asked to a certain other con? Why were comparisons made with the late Edmund Cooper (who if memory serves me right regaled bored Brummies with between-drinks details of how he'd done naughty things that day with both wife and mistress, until he fell over)? ANSIBLE is eager for hard facts which will explode these vile allegations, or not... HUGO NAME PRO EMERGES FROM READING: local fan, BFS mole and Derleth hierophant Nic Howard has sold his `verse cycle' FOLLOW THE DREAM to Moorlands Press under their special terms of 0% royalties and all the copies you can carry... TALKING HEADS: Scotfans Matt Sillars & Brian Hennigan are running an appeal in their fnz THE HEAD to (a) raise #500 to sponsor a (democratically chosen) SF book's recording on 14-hour cassette by the RNIB for blind fans; (b) encourage taping of fnz for the same. 8 Beaverbank Place, Edinburgh, EH7 4ER... BATTLEFIELD EARTH, notes F770, was within 20 nominations of the 96 minimum (scored by Cherryh's PRIDE OF CHANUR) to reach the Hugo final ballot. I'll say no more, having been Reproved by one John Hertz in that same fnz for daring to mention Scientology and BE on the same page. "Langford's potshots aren't even `man bites dog'," he complains, presumably meaning that the BE controversy is normal `dog bites man' news and that I should instead focus on those rare, bizarre books whose weirdly non-reclusive authors are never rumoured to be dead/gaga, which are curiously unpublicized by Scientologists and whose UK editions are unprecedentedly published rather than hastily cancelled... FUZZY LANGUAGE is George Hay's contribution to computer thought: away with all these cloggingly precise relationships, instead let's have, eg.: `in some circumstances equals', `could quite possibly mean that'... Offers from IBM, please? FOUNDATION AGM 21 July 2pm... ============================================================= HAZEL'S LANGUAGE LESSONS #25: HEBREW Contributed by Edmund Wilson At the Convention Fancy-Dress: SHOKOH -- to wander around lasciviously. ANSIBLE 34: Dave Langford 94 London Road, Reading, Berks., RG1 5AU, England. [Ends] ANSIBLE 35, October 1983: PLEASE NOTE that this old ANSIBLE is a bit of history. Addresses may have changed (though the editor's postal address hasn't), prices and agents' credits are invalid, etc. This issue was produced in my BWP or Before-Word-Processors era and lovingly rekeyed for the archives by ALEX McLINTOCK ... to whom many thanks! Alex insisted on adding a word of his own (ruthlessly moved to the end of the text). Dave Langford, ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk, 1994. ============================================================= The Oct 83 issue of Britain's occasionally frequent SF newsletter from DAVE LANGFORD, 94 LONDON ROAD, READING, BERKS, RG1 5AU. Still #2.00 for 7 issues, airmailed outside UK: notes to me, cheques to ANSIBLE, Giro transfer to a/c 24 475 4403. Americans may send $3.50 to Burns, 23 Kensington Ct. Hempstead. NY 11550. Artwork by Margaret Welbank, e-stencils by John Harvey, labels by Keith Freeman -- please resubscribe if yours says SUB DUE or ****. #35 is late because your editor diverted his priceless time to finish a novel for Frederick Muller Ltd, out (with luck) next Spring; #35 has a somewhat cheapo aspect because your editor is broke. Back to litho and sybaritic luxury next time, I devoutly hope. ============================================================= ### AWARDS The Hugos offered some surprises, but not in the novel category, won by Isaac A's FOUNDATION'S EDGE, the novel which supersedes Valium. Novella: `Souls', Joanna Russ. Novelette: `Fire Watch'. Connie Willis. Short: `Melancholy Elephants', Spider Robinson. Nonfic: ISAAC ASIMOV: THE FOUNDATIONS OF SF, James Gunn. Editor: Ed Ferman. Artist: Michael Whelan. Dramatic: BLADERUNNER. `Fanzine'. Locus. Fanwriter: Dick Geis. Fanartist: Alexis Gilliland. JWC Award (for new writer -- not a Hugo): Paul O Williams. And the coveted award of the Right To Hold The 1985 Worldcon went as expected to Melbourne, Australia (GoH Gene Wolfe, FGoH Ted White, 22-26 August 85), and a British 1987 bid was almost instantly mooted to save Americans from the awful 87 alternatives of Phoenix and San Diego. Meanwhile back in civilisation, an international panel awarded the JWC Memorial Award to HELLICONIA SPRING by Brian... Brian something... it's on the tip of my tongue... ### COSMIC AWARDS Of far more cosmic value was the straw poll at Silicon 7, where on penalty of not receiving free drinks the entire membership passed on these cosmic issues: WHO IS THE BIGGEST WALLY IN FANDOM? Fake Bob Shaw 11%, V.Brown / S.Green 9%, `Me' 7%, M. Hoare / I. Sorensen / S.Polley 4% WHICH FAN WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE KING / QUEEN? D.West 15%, J.Nicholas 10%, E.Harvey / H.Bell / R.Kaveney 8% FAVOURITE CON OF THE YEAR? Silicon 59%, Eastercon 10%, Beccon / `Next one' / Novacon 4% WHICH FAN WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE? `Me' 23%, D.Langford 10%, `Richest' 8%, G.Pickersgill / M.Welbank / R.Hansen 5% -- also `Chris Evans with hair', `Lady Windermere's') BEST RECENT FANZINE? Still It Moves 17%, Tappen 12%, Out of the Blue / Tiger Tea / Twll-Ddu / DT 8%, A Cool Head / Ansible / Epsilon 6% MOST CUDDLY FAN E.Harvey 17%, I.Williams 14%, L.Pickersgill 12%, A.Akien 7%, J.Harvey 5%, J.Scrivner 4%, J.Barker 2% WORST DRESSED? A.Frost 15%, D.West / A.Harries 10%, R.Kaveney 7%, R.Jackson / D.Bridges / J.Nicholas 5% FAVOURITE FAN OVER 50? D.West 18%, I.Williams 9%, M.Edwards / K.Slater / R.Peyton / B.Shaw 5%, J.Jarrold 7% -- the Gannets ordered this list, not me -- K.Smith 2% FAVOURITE UNDER 10? I.Williams 16%, Amanda Dorey / I.Maule / P.Turner 9%, S.Green / D.West / D.Jackson 5% WHICH FAN SHOULD BE EXHUMED? D.West 14%, L.Kettle / P.Weston / W.Willis 9%, R.Jackson / S.Polley / G.Pickersgill / H.P.Lovecraft 6%. -- EXHUMED AND REBURIED? P.Weston 23% F.B.Shaw 18% D.West 8% G.Pickersgill / S.Polley / I.Asimov 5% MOST BORING FAN? A.Akien 19%, G.Webb / S.Green 9%, V.Brown / P.Weston / I.Watson / G.Bondar / F.B.Shaw / J.Brunner 4% FILM HERO(INE) YOU'D MOST LIKE TO BE? Barbarella 7%, D.Bowman / Flesh Gordon / B.Bunny 2% FAN WITH BEST POSE? J.Jarrold 23%, J.Nicholas 15%, D.West 9% NICEST FAN? `Me' 15%, L.Pickersgill 11%, E.& J. Harvey 7% -- also `a dumb G.Pickersgill' WHICH BABY BORN INTO FANDOM RECENTLY GAVE YOU MOST PLEASURE? None 31%, A.Dorey 14%, The One That Doesn't Get Brought To Cons / S.Polley / Interzone / T.P.Atkinson Edwards / H. Oldroyd 6% SEXIEST VOICE? E.Harvey / `Me' / L.Pickersgill 9%, A.Akien 7% FAN TO TAKE TO A DESERT ISLAND? L.Pickersgill 21%, J.Hanna / E.Harvey 10%, G.Pickersgill / D.Langford 5% WHICH FAN SHOULD BE STRUCK DUMB A.Harries/ A.Akien 10%, S.Green 8%, S.Lawson / D.Jackson / F.B.Shaw / G.Pickersgill / J.Nicholas 5% BEST LOOKING FEMALE? L.Pickersgill 20%, S.Hepple 15%, S.Kavanagh 8%. -- MALE? R.Hansen 23%. S.Higgins 10%, D.West / M.Edwards 8%, R. Holdstock/J.Jarrold 5% WHERE'D YOU MOST LIKE A CON? London 21%, Newcastle 8%, Hawaii / York 5%. -- LEAST LIKE A CON? Brighton 21%, Glasgow 16%, Blackpool 5%, Birmingham/Iran 3% Also the most popular appliance with which to be marooned on a desert island was a typewriter and/or an Inflatable Steve Higgins / Eve Harvey / Linda Pickersgill. Market researchers take note. ### CONSTELLATION ### Malcolm Edwards Several thousand people showed up to the World SF Convention in Baltimore -- conceivably enough to avert the committee's bankruptcy (rumour had it that they were so grossly overspent that any figure less then 7500 attending spelt disaster). (Final attendance was a shade over 6000 -- DRL) Still, by Saturday 800 people were said to have shown up and paid at the door -- $55 full attending membership which is, believe me. Too Much. ConStellation was held in a convention centre and several main hotels. The committee had cunningly arranged for the Hilton to be the `party hotel', even though it was much further from the centre than was the Hyatt, and even though its 23 floors were serviced by just two lifts. The convention itself? Mediocre organisation and programming, I'd say, but went off OK. (At least, I had a good time ) The main programme was remarkably short on items of any interest. The fan programme worked better, and the new practice (to Americans) of having a fan lounge / fanroom area did serve its purpose by providing a focal area where people could find each other. Highlight of the fan program was the `Fans Are Slans' panel, wherein Steve Stiles extemporised a remarkable account of Claude Degler's insanitary habits, John Shirley exposed parts of his body nobody (except representatives of the French media) wanted to see, and Charles Platt developed his `I love fandom' act with glutinous sincerity. Lowlight of the main programme was the Hugo ceremony, which sabotaged its own intention of being short and punchy by starting 45 minutes late. The restive audience was then treated to slides projected onto one of those monster videoscreens currently popular at sports stadia. Evidently nobody had told the organisers that the image on such screens doesn't resolve until you're about 100 yards away... cavernous as it was, the main hall was no more than 75 yards long. A slide came up. Toastmaster Jack `I've never won a Hugo' Chalker invited the audience to guess what it was. It looked to me like bits of tumbleweed on a desert plain. `That's right.' said Jack, `the first Worldcon banquet.' Not many surprises among the awards, except the relegation of E.T. to third place. Isaac Asimov, receiving his Hugo, said that it really belonged to everyone who had ever written sf. But he refused to hand it over to me later. Missed moment of the con: Charles Platt and I were talking at length to Fred Harris of Author Services Inc. (L.Ron Hubbard promotional organisation), hoping to extract some untoward revelation. Finally he leaned forward saying. `I really shouldn't tell you this --' We waited in eager anticipation. A person from Porlock (or in this case Locus) unknowingly intervened. The moment was gone. British representation was not overwhelming but did exist. I spotted John & Marjorie Brunner (of course), Martin Tudor, John Bark, Colin Fine, Huge Machete, Tanith Lee among others. Almost the first thing that happened after we arrived was that I was summoned by Bruce Pelz, who told me that Britain had to bid for the 1987 Worldcon, since the West coast bids (Phoenix and San Diego) were not popular even with West Coast fans. It wasn't long before other prominent West Coasters -- Craig Miller and Gary Farber to name but two -- reinforced this message. The rest is -- or one day will be -- history. ### BRITAIN IN 1987 We interrupt Worldcon coverage to announce that a bidding committee nucleus has been formed, or more correctly has formed itself, and so far consists of Malcolm Edwards, Chris Atkinson and Dave Langford. A few more names should have been added by Novacon, where we hope to discuss the whole thing in an open forum (rotten eggs should be left at the door) Expressions of support, encouragement, unbridled lust, etc. would doubtless be welcome, care of Malcolm or Ansible. MARY BURNS sent pages on ConStellation, opening `overall this was a good Worldcon' and proceeding in true Ansible style to an extensive list of flaws. Programme: `There were up to 15 tracks going at the same time... poor choice of competing alternatives, scheduling fan GoH speech against the slide presentation about the new Indiana Jones movie and the making of The Return of the Jedi.' Masquerade: `Poorly executed... video bad, cameraman often stayed on the MC instead of the costume or focused on the wrong thing... slow handclaps at too-long and too-boring presentation by MC.. 130 costumes, Presentation started an hour and a half late. Many people walked out before then.' (Apparently seven children's costumes were shown earlier, and everything else was endlessly delayed while the obligatory prizes all round -- calligraphed certificates -- were prepared for the seven. so they could then go to bed. As they didn't, and as the kids in the audience were thus kept up much later than need be, this seems not wholly sensible.) Overall: `Too many people. Too many hotels. Probably unavoidable.' Mary, in the Hilton, tended to miss late-night items in the Hyatt, `Baltimore streets could be dangerous to my health if I went between them by myself...' Sounds like my own vain efforts to get to bed early at Novacons, striding resolutely through the bar and... (after that, the dark). Feetnote.... Least Likely Prohibition At A Con: fans were sternly forbidden to walk about exposing their naked feet in the con centre. Most Boring Statistic: Melbourne got 642 out of 725 site selection votes, whereas Bingley received one write-in vote. Fascist Oppression Dept: Astral League Poles were brutally confiscated during the masquerade -- subsequently apologies were issued in the con newsletter `Scuttlebutt' (ed. Mike Glyer), whence most of these notes, and `responsible' use of poles declared OK, leaving the status of the Astral Initiation open to doubt. Hugo Statistics: too boring to list, but just to twist the knife in the wound I reveal that the final novel placing was FOUNDATION'S ITCH. PRIDE OF CHANUR (which actually got most first place votes), 2010, FRIDAY, COURTSHIP RITE and SWORD OF THE LICTOR. (Bill Evans) [Change of Address list left out from this typing -- AlexMC] ### VENTURE INTO SF The second SF Supper Club gathering saw Desmond Clarke, director of the Book Marketing Council, defending this promotion (cannily not titled `Best of SF') against hordes of rotten nitpickers. Asked why a campaign to promote SF featured (e.g.) a Donaldson fantasy bestseller in no need of promotion, D.Clarke had no hesitation in exclaiming that even when something was a bestseller the volume of sales could still be increased no end. Blank silence from fandom. Cornered and asked the point of this drive to make visibly rich (in many cases) authors richer still, he was not afraid to explain there'd very likely be another and much better follow-up promotion. Tackled again on the matter of Donaldson, he fearlessly admitted it was all the judges' fault (the judges, you will remember, blame the publishers; one wonders if the publishers blame the BMC.) All the fans' points about this campaign's choices and omissions are made by Chris Priest in a BOOKSELLER article, `Venture into the Stodgy': `The old pecking order remains, and those wrongfully neglected go on being so.' Aldiss, Ballard, Moorcock, Silverberg and Wolfe are all expected at the 10 Oct promotion launch in London; the revelry continues to 22 Oct. I wait in fear and trembling. Also at the SFSC: Bob Shaw attempted to teach D.Langford his renowned trick of not falling over, with little success. Famous literary agent Maggie Noach pointed a small dog at people in the hope that it would divine literary talent, and was seen to associate with newly-famous Mary Gentle with open intimacy which (scandalmongers rumoured) presaged a sensuous author/agent relationship. Chris Evans pinched my reviews notebook and thrust it at Rob Holdstock, strangely open at the page containing a detailed statistical analysis of the works of Robert P Faulcon's `Nighthunter' books (broken down into Major Atrocities, Minor Supernatural Frissons, Outbreaks Of Italics and Bodies Per Chapter).. `I didn't really have a body-count running into three figures in Book 3, did I?' said Rob with moans which were terrible to behold. BRIAN STABLEFORD is plunging back into writing owing to a slight financial crisis caused by the departure of lovely Viv Stableford: `I can't stand living in Reading.' she cried, and has bought a house in Swansea where she lives with the kids and which Brian (tied to Reading by university tenure) is permitted to help redecorate. The current Stableford masterwork is non-fiction about bionics, genetic engineering, etc., for the ill-famed Roxby Press. whose overlord Hugh Elwes is insisting the book be titled FUTURE MAN despite the existence in print of Chris Morgan's opus of genetic engineering, bionics, etc., interestingly titled FUTURE MAN. Next challenge for Brian: to re-establish relations with cuddly, batrachian Don Wollheim, strained since DAW left off the downbeat ending of a recent Stableford novel. Writing to LOCUS (who didn't publish it) and DAW, Brian cracked jokes about censorship etc: a very annoyed Wollheim issued an unanswerable counterblast to the affect that `we didn't censor a word, it was just a routine, in-house losing of the last page of the manuscript.' SPEAKING OF DAW, we have an unattributable rumour from Joyce Scrivner, who reports that [[Sorry, chaps. This was the one time ANSIBLE did nearly get sued. Every trace of the original allegation has therefore been expunged. Literary detectives will just have to reconstruct what they can from the apology in ANSIBLE 34.]] ROBERT P FAULCON AGAIN! What is the eerie significance of the aged, doddering couple called Pat & Graham Charnock who in `Nighthunter' 3 are eaten by a giant spider? Or of the virginal schoolteacher Kath Mitchell who succumbs to an evil, debilitating, lustful, sweaty, greasy embrace? Does the evil etc. embracer have a big nose? Ansible waits agog for Book 4. BRIAN ALDISS must be delighted by US ads for HELLICONIA SPRING: in SFWA BULLETIN, Atheneum proudly quote the review of one Roger Schlobin, who compares HS with `such other monumental world-creating-efforts' as FOUNDATION (h'm), the DUNE series (h'm) and ... grand climax ... the Proton/Phaze Trilogy by Piers Anthony. DAYBREAK ON A DIFFERENT MOUNTAIN, not long to be denied you by Unwin/Unicorn, is the real title of Colin Greenfinger's novel DAYSEND ON A DISTINCT MUNDANE, misheard in a phone call from informant Malcolm Edwards and printed last issue as DAYSPRING ON A DEFERENT MOUNTAIN. We at Lesbian suspect this was engineered by C.Greenstreet to ensure further mentions of OFFSPRING OF A DIFFICULT MOUNTING... POCKET BOOKS ETC: Somewhere back in pre-geological time (A#34) there began to unfold a saga of Proustian proportions and similar riveting plotline. In brief: unhappy with D.Hartwell's handling of the Timescape SF line (specifically his inability to create bestsellers on a publicity budget of 45 cents per book), Pocket Books gave him the boot and announced a secretly fomented deal with famous hack literary agents Scott Meredith Inc, who'd be in the enviable position of packaging a Timescape line relabelled `Starscope' (for no apparent reason, except that this cleverly ditches the goodwill built up by Timescape), and would be able to favour SM authors if they chose... `Conflict of interest,' howled SFWA, and quite right too. Greg Benford takes it from there: `I enclose the just-received press release surrendering the Meredith connection. I am proud of SFWA's alliance with the agents to stop SM taking over the Timescape line. Reportedly. Pocket wrote a press release saying they had differences with Meredith and were breaking off the deal, and mentioning the pressure from-SFWA & agents. They circulated that one in-house, decided it gave too much away, recalled all copies, and issued a new one saying they weren't bending to pressure after all.' (The new PR explains that absolutely no problem that anyone could possibly imagine was responsible for the change of plan, which just sort of happened.) 'They caved in, in part because we had an injunction set to go to court and through the Federal Trade Commission, all nicely researched ... and we (SFWA authors & Directors) -- had agreed to pour money into the battle, shorting some SFWA programs if need be, and making sure Busch [Pocket president] found that out.... our networks worked remarkably in this crisis. Busch got sandbagged in the press,partly because we already knew his position before he opened his mouth. so we undercut him at every turn.' (GB) Pocket authors have been enjoying a series of rumours about the new Timescape, or Starscope, editor. Born-again anthologist Roger Elwood; Jim Baen of Tor Books (whose publisher was listening over his shoulder as he got the call from Pocket); Ben Bova; even George Scithers. I am unconvinced by the non-attributable source signing himself `Yours in it up to here'. who guesses the job will go to that `reliable arbiter of taste, leading stylist and noted commentator... Darrell Schweitzer.' Excuse me.... Why am I taking such interest in a US firm's fate? Because I am a close and fascinated spectator of Pocket's finances: owing to a contract hassle I still don't fully understand, Timescape have had my very own SF novel in print for eight months without having paid any advance money whatever, and apparently without a contract as well. With financial wizardry like this I don't see how Timescape could possibly lose money. INTERZONE: Slagged off by other collective members for `trying to be honest and realistic' in the depressing resubscription figures last issue, Dave Pringle has adopted a mood of buoyant optimism. Resubs were last seen at 50% and rising; issue 5 sent to lapsed subscribers by way of encouragement; unpublished Philip K Dick material promised by his literary executor Paul Williams; issue 6 to contain Keith Roberts's `Kitecadet', sequel to `Kitemaster' and appearing for the first time in IZ despite false claims to the contrary in Scithers AMAZING ads (AMAZING gets to publish it many moons after IZ). A point: IZ is often called the successor to New Worlds -- to the partial irritation of its editors -- and it was interesting to read Mike Moorcock's massive Fontana anthology of NW, with its mention of those who carry on the `tradition' of that mag. Today's only possible candidate is IZ -- which is nowhere mentioned. Take that, INTERZONE, for daring to question the wonderfulness of NW in that editorial! [[Here is what the OCR software had to say about Battlefield Earth - AlexMC]] BATT'LEFIELD URTH (oo@. that again) missed 1983 BuR0 notaination.by only 15 voted, . confirms omnisci-nt Ted White. A little more'jahoulder-to@ shoulder effort from those staunch. allies `Bjo 'сri mble and Charles Platt, an.d thert BE would have boon, and in tha opinion of s=e. fin-a the Rug6 would have been diicredited.forever.,(Other fana would silently point to *^me of the things that were n@nated. and won, this year.) Ted: "At @stercon I encountered (despite minor off orts to avoid her) Bjo Tr @le, who informed me' cheld@ won a bet because 6f my criticism of her atd John's BE fanclub and llugo-nomination eftotte. 'I bet at,LASFS thit you'd be one of'the cople w@ignored oxir 30.years of service to @andom, ijha told,,ze with a =derately straight face. I told her I thought l)er promotion of AE was morally indefenijible." (TW)-my favour:ite behind-the- "ceiies expl@ation of. why @ dropped out of publishing a British Izrdback of BE: zooms 7Y im t""y learnt that Scientologisto had alrea ported 15,000 copies of the Averican hardback. somewhat vitiating the t@.arket. [[Thank you, Alex. Very droll. Now I suppose I'll have to do a corrected version.... DRL]] BATTLEFIELD EARTH (sorry, that again) missed 1983 Hugo nomination by only 15 votes, confirms omniscient Ted White. A little more shoulder-to-shoulder effort from those staunch allies Bjo Trimble and Charles Platt, and there BE would have been, and in tha opinion of some fans the Hugo would have been discredited forever. (Other fans would silently point to some of the things that _were_ nominated, and won, this year.) Ted: "At Westercon I encountered (despite minor efforts to avoid her) Bjo Trimble, who informed me she'd won a bet because of my criticism of her and John's BE fanclub and Hugo-nomination efforts. `I bet a guy at LASFS that you'd be one of the people who ignored our 30 years of service to fandom,' she told me with a moderately straight face. I told her I thought her promotion of BE was morally indefensible." (TW) My favourite behind-the-scenes explanation of why NEL dropped out of publishing a British hardback of BE: seems they learnt that Scientologists had already imported 15,000 copies of the American hardback, somewhat vitiating the market. SPEAKING OF CHARLES PLATT, here he is at the NY Forbidden Planet con: "In a panel on `how publishing really works' Fred Pohl was accused by an audience member of advocating the `Milton Friedman school of publishing'. Malzberg lamented `Has no editor ever had the courage to create a new SF market as opposed to following the trends?' To which I replied `Yes, Judy-Lynn del Rey.' Jack Chalker and Tom Disch debated SF criticism somewhat dully; Disch repeatedly hinted that he had with him the MS of a forthcoming review he'd written of Chalker, but Chalker refused to take the bait and ask Tom to read it. `There are nine million SF critics in the SF world,' said Chalker, `of whom 8,999,998 hate my guts.' He condemned the `National Enquirer' school of criticism (i.e. PATCHIN REVIEW)' and also all British critics. `I have an incredible body' he said. `Of reviews.' he continued after a somewhat confusing pause that had most of the audience momentarily agreeing with him... "I did an interview with Phil Farmer as a substitute for a GoH speech. He gave me a list of questions to ask him, including `If you had never been born, where would you be now?' He said he didn't know the answer, but after a moment's reflection came up with one. There is a large reservoir of souls (he said), far more than there are available bodies. Surplus souls are allotted individual body parts. `So if I had been reincarnated as one of those souls,' said Philip Jose Farmer, `I would like to have been Ronald Reagan's cock. Then whenever he wanted to have sex, I could say, uh-uh, sorry Ron. That way, he would never have been elected because no one's going to vote for an impotent President.' Mothers of small children in the audience appeared somewhat disconcerted by this revelation." (C.Platt) SATURN AWARDS announced at that con went to 2010 (novel), THE ONE TREE (fantasy novel), Ballard's MYTHS OF THE NEAR FUTURE (short -- the surprise of this batch, voted by US SF bookshop customers), Donald Kingsbury (new writer), F&SF (magazine), Michael Whelan (best cover: 2010). THE CON WITH NO NAME, scheduled for September, seemingly tried to make it as The Con With No Publicity and as a consequence became The Con With No Registrations (well, a rumoured 12). It self-destructed quietly. Which should be borne in mind by the organisers of SPACE-EX 1984 (4-11 Aug Wembley Centre), an event whose long silence has led most fans -- including some who'd paid vast membership fees -- to a verdict of Presumed Death. Many weeks after an attempt to check this and prise out current data for ANSIBLE. I received this from Mike Parry: `This letter would have been sooner had you enclosed a SAE as is customary when requesting information. Space Ex 1984 Information is for registered members ONLY until Jan 1st 1984 when we will be advertising widely and when we ourselves are sure of all our schedules celebrities etc etc. At which time you will receive the fullest information that we can provide. ISTRA only owes information to people who are registered, we have to date done exactly that. And as we have sold out of V.I.P. memberships, Public Registrations will be offered January 1st.' (sic) Perhaps some member (this means you, Paul Vincent) could share with me the closely guarded secrets divulged in an immense flood since the last flyer I saw (Jan 81)? Can Space-Ex really have sold the 5000 advertised tickets at prices from 15UKP (81) to 19UKP (83)? Why should any con want a publicity blackout ending at a traditionally bad time of year for ad campaigns (post-Xmas, with people's holiday plans mainly fixed)? Answers to Space-Ex, 21 Hargwyne St., Stockwell, London. SW9 9RQ. BOOKS. Asimov's THE ROBOTS OF DAWN is not as bad as FOUNDATION'S EDGE (assures Brian Stableford, hot from slagging off his proof copy) but is still incredibly verbose, stuffed with further attempts to weld Asimov's disparate stories into a triffic Future History, and makes thrilling use of a brand-new suspense technique whereby sleuth Lije Bailey realises the solution to the book's detective puzzle in a blinding flash _every time_ he goes to sleep, forgetting it every time he wakes up. Is Asimov's latter-day verbosity due to his triffic word processor? Rumour has it that after endorsing the wonderful, indispensable TRS-80 system which made writing so much easier, Dr A found himself incapable of using it and reverted to the old portable typewriter.... Heinlein has delivered JOB: A COMEDY OF JUSTICE, 400pp of religious satire set partly in heaven and sounding suspiciously like Cabell's JURGEN: A COMEDY OF JUSTICE (did not win a Hugo). And GALACTIC MEGASTAR Robert P Faulcon's Nighthunter series is all set for a LONG LONG run of ... oh, they stopped you after 5 books, Rob? Sorry. NEWS FROM JAPAN: from M. Edwards's DT I learn of a Japanese con publication printing numberless `messages of support' requested from UK/US writers. Most are heavy-handed Hints that the writer in question would really like to visit Japan one day as a con GoH.... Ellison goes over the top, listing a dozen Japanese as the world's top fantasists, rivalled in the West only by Borges, Marquez, Kakfa, Ellison. Ballard offers a tasteful exhortation: `That great feat of arms, the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbour on December 7, 1941, must now be repeated in the realm of the imagination -- let the SF writers of Japan set out across the skies of the human psyche, each carrying a piece of that explosive future which will torpedo the battleships of complacency and inertia!' ### TAFF, GUFF etc. Most copies will feature a TAFF flyer, mentioning the names of Hansen and Ounsley, plus the enigmatic D.West: in a postcard from ConStellation, the Nielsen Haydens said `D.West confirmed as TAFF candidate', but the most D.West was heard to say at Silicon was something like `If elected I will stand.' Ballots next issue, I imagine, when all will become still less clear. Vote for a Welshman, folks.... The lucky delegate will attend the 1984 Worldcon, LA-Con II in Los Angeles, whose co-Chairman Craig Miller begs that I use Ansible's awesome facilities to deny the rumour (SFC) that free memberships are being offered to all SFWA members. GUFF should bring an Australian to Seacon 84 here, the slate consisting of Justin Ackroyd, Shayne McCormack, Jean Weber and Roger Weddall (whose habit of phoning me at length about GUFF. from Australia, left me in awe of his riches until Judith Hanna revealed the secret to be a bent telephone engineer in Melbourne). Ballots -- er -- real soon now? DUFF operates between the US and Australia: at present Aussies Jack R.Herman and John Packer are contending for the trip to LA-Con II; and among those thinking ahead to the 1985 Melbourne DUFF race are said to be Joni Stopa, Marty & Robbie Cantor, and Mike Glicksohn (er, US = NA up there). SEFF is the Scandinavian-European Fan Fund, whose UK administrator Colin Fine (205 Coldham's Lane, Cambridge CB1 3HY) says "Yes I know, but try getting an acronym out of `The Scandinavian-All-the-bits-of-Europe-that-aren't-Scandinavia- not-forgetting-offshore-islands-like-Britain Fan Fund'." Contributions/nominations for a Scanfan to be inflicted on Seacon 84 are requested. SFAFF, standing for something unmemorable, is or was a tentative plan to complement GUFF by bringing a continental Eurofan to Melbourne in 85. Correspondence/enthusiasm to James Styles in 342 Barkly St, Ararat, Vic 3377, Australia. SF -- what, will the line stretch out to the crack of doom?-ie the Shaw Fund planned to bring a democratically elected Bob Shaw to this same Aussiecon II, Melbourne, 1985. Spurious Bob Shaws excluded. Money to GPO Box 2708X-,Melbourne, Vic 3001, Australia. Candidates include Bob Shaw. SEARING CONTROVERSY about fan funds is rare, but here's one. DUFF administrators Joyce Scrivner and Peter Toluzzi have been getting some stick for (only the bravest should read on) extending the poll deadline of the 1983 DUFFing, enabling an alleged anti-Jan Finder lobby to allegedly affect the result following an alleged but unproven leakage of interim totals. Coincidentally there were similar rumours about the last TAFF race, the allegation this time being that as a result of leakage from US administrator Stu Shiffman, Moshe Feder tried to drum up extra votes for Taral (to spare his hurt feelings at getting so very few, rather than to affect the result). And Scots BNF Frances Jane Nelson has launched an assault on TAFF for bringing over the loathsome Avedon Carol, whose high crimes appear to include such atrocities as being late for things, cracking traditional banquet food jokes, not liking Jan Howard Finder and spending too much time with someone called Langford (bloody hell, I barely saw her after the first day, too). Tut, tut. ### POLLS AGAIN F770, from which some of the above was also pinched, reveals the Pong poll results courtesy of Ted White. BEST FANWRITER D.West, FANARTIST Dan Steffan, FANEDITOR Malcolm Edwards, SINGLE PUBLICATION Warhoon 30, #1 FAN FACE Dan Steffan (remember him?), NEW FAN Steve Bieler, FUGGHEAD OF THE YEAR Seth Breidbart (who he?). F770's own poll... FANWRITER (1) M.Glyer, (2). D.Langford. (=3) R.E.Geis, T.Nielsen Hayden. Other Brits featured: (=7) C.Atkinson, (=16) M.Edwards, (=21) K.Smith, C.Priest, D.West. FANARTIST (1) S.Shiffman, (2) A.Gilliland, (3) J.Hanke-Woods. Brits: (=24) R.Hansen. BEST CON GoH: Harlan Ellison. Brits: (5) Jim White. MOST BORING & REPETITIOUS READING (1) Discussions of whether Hubbard is alive (2) Dick Geis on economics (3) Southern fan feuds (4) Asimov's introductions to his own stories. Practically British item: (9) Judith Hanna's convention reports. The poll also revealed that 101 out of 140 fans would be unwilling to accept a Hugo Award on behalf of Dick Geis. ### CONS & EVENTS 8 Oct 83: Kev Smith & Diana Reed get married in remote, inaccessible bit of Cornwall. Langford makes best-man speech negligibly altered from previous versions at M.Hoare nuptials. Gene Wolfe & Robert Silverberg sign books at Forbidden Planet in London. 14-16 Oct 83: FANTASYCON VIII, New Imperial Hotel, Brum. GoH Gene Wolfe; membership #7.50. Ken Bulmer is MC; BFS Awards to be presented. 15 Oct 83: Wolfe (am), McCaffrey (lunch), Silverberg (pm) sign books at Andromeda, Brum. Aldiss does ditto to Helliconia Summer at F.Planet. 4-6 Nov 83: NOVACON 13. Royal Angus Hotel, Brum GoH Lisa Tuttle. #7 att to 46 Colwyn Road, Beeston.. Leeds, LS11 6PY. Hideous Novacon scandal appears to have died down after a final altercation between R.Peyton and S.Green when the former allegedly said `Look, last year's Novacon was deliberately a crap convention to keep the attendance down....' The tiny Lisa Tuttle collection from Drunken Dragon Press to be released at this con is called THE OTHER BOOK. 26-27 Nov 83: CYMRUCON 111, Central Hotel Cardiff GoH John Brunner. #8 att to The Bower, High Str Llantwit Major, S Glam, CF6 9SS. IMPORTANT NOTICE: the Cymrucon committee is extremely annoyed to hear that an evil fan -- reported to be Hugh Mascetti -- has been spreading untrue rumours of Cymrucon's cancellation. Should he tell you this, hit him in the mouth in as tactful a fashion as you can contrive. 20-23 Apr 84: SEACON 84, Brighton Metropole Hotel. (GoH Roger Zelazny (Phil Farmer withdrew as soon as the Asimov posters had been burnt and the Farmer ones printed). Chris Priest, Pierre Barbet, Josef Nesvadba, Waldemar Kumming (fan). #7 att.to 30 Nov #8 to 31 Jan, #10 to 19 4r. #12 at door: 321 Sarehole Rd, Hall Green, Birmingham, B28 OAL. Seacon rallied nicely from Asimov's defection, with a flyer about being `the only con in 1984 which has a written assurance from Isaac Asimov that he won't be attending', but moans of despair were heard when they lost Farmer too, and then Maxim Jakubowski weighed in with a widely disseminated `formal and public protest about the choice of Pierre Barbet as one of the European guests ... a slap in the face of French SF and denotes a complete lack of understanding of the virtues of excellence in writing which so many other French authors have been promulgating for years ... [as] if the first ever British SF author to be invited to a French con were Lionel Fanthorpe ... that's what Barbet's choice means to the French and European SF community. Also the fact that he is on the Eurocon committee smacks of decidedly mixed ethics in my book... doubt strongly that this decision will influence Eurofans (beyond the small circle who've already been to a British con) to at end. I for one wouldn't go to Paris or Bruges to see John Russell Fearn, even if he were still alive...' (MJ) On the bright side, Seacon has managed to get publicity in a CAMRA magazine thanks to the promised Cheap Real Beer. 25-28 May 84: Tynecon II. the Mexicon. Flyer Enclosed for most of you; otherwise see A#34.. 20-23 Jul 84: Albacon 84, Central Hotel, Glasgow, GoH Harlan Ellison, info from 62 Campsie Rd. Wishaw, ML2 9QG. AND: Faircon 84, Ingram Hotel, Glasgow, GoH Sydney-Jordan, #8 att rising to #9 hotel rooms-#16.50 single #14.50/person twin. 18 Greenwood Rd Clarkston, Glasgow, G76 7AQ. I'm glad I don't live in Glasgow. On one hand we have Albacon 84, the alleged good guys. who apart from the coup in securing Harlan Ellison have given no indication that they're doing anything. On the other hand, Faircon and the Fake Bob Shaw's forces of evil, constantly deluging me with flyers, progress reports and assorted bits of paper, but keeping significantly quiet about membership figures (the usual lists don't appear in the PRs). Faircon's letters to Albacon -- suggesting that as a reasonable compromise Albacon be moved to Feb 85 and existing memberships be transferred to Faircon -- can be taken as a plea to avoid aggro or a gesture of membership-starved desperation depending whom you favour. Also to hand: a record of balloting of the Glasgow SF group FOKT, as to whether dear Bob should be allowed to present FOKT Awards at Faircon (as stated in his PR0). (1) Where should FOKT awards be given? Albacon 84. 21 votes; FOKT meeting 4; Faircon 84, 0. (2) Do members want `Mr Robert Shaw' to organise events in the name of FOKT? No, 21; No comment, 4; Yes. 0. (Faircon 84 committee folk declined to vote -- `may have distorted voting pattern, did not affect result.') I'm glad I don't live In Glasgow. SPACE-EX 84. A secret convention. SILICON 8. Grosvenor Hotel. Newcastle, 2 Seaton Avenue, Newsham Blyth, Northumberland, probably about #4.50 att, but ask first. 25-27 Aug 84: OXCON 84, St Catherine's College, GoH Brian Aldiss -- #8 att to 28 Asquith Rd, Rose Hill. Oxford. Incorporates Unicon, I believe. 30 Aug - 3 Sept: LA CON II, Anaheim Con Centre, CA, Worldcon. GoH Gordon Dickson, FGoH Dick Eney. $40 att to PO Box 8442. Van Nuys. CA 91409, USA. 2-4 Nov 84: Rumoured Novacon 14 in Brum. Rumoured GoH Rob Holdstock. 14-16 Dec 84: Santacon. Dragonara, Leeds. No data. Medioid affair. 10 Langford Rd, Heaton Chapel, Stockport, Cheshire, SK4 SBR. '5-8 Apr 85: Eastercon. Current bid, Yorcon III, Leeds Dragonara. #1 presupp to 45 Harold Mount, Leeds, LS6 1PW. Committee: numerous Leeds fans. 22-26 Aug 85: AUSSIECON II, Southern Cross Hotel, Melbourne, Australia. GoH Gene Wolfe, FGoH Ted White. $40 US/$45A to GPO Box 2253U, Melbourne. Vic 3001, Australia. Anyone who voted in the 1983 site selection ballot (like me, ha ha) is already a supporting member. Supp: $25US/$28A. Conversion: $15US/$17A. You must be a member of Aussiecon II to vote for Britain in 1987. Rates rise in 1984. (By the way, a three-years-in-advance bidding system for Worldcons was proposed at ConStellation and will come into effect in 1986 if ratified -- I assume -- at LA Con II.) 29 Aug - 2 Sept 85, NASFiC, Austin, Texas- the big US con always staged (sometimes with a mild whiff of sour grapes) when the Worldcon goes out of America. GoH Jack Vance, ho ho, and Richard Powers. FGoH Joanne Burger. Details. FACT, PO BOX 9612, Austin, TX 78766, USA. 28-30 Mar 86: Eastercon. Current bid, Contravention, to be `somewhere in the Midlands.' possibly the NEC Metropole. Doreys, Oldroyd, Donaldson, Wilkes, Pearson, Huxley, Hughes -- in no particular order, Probably #l presupp to any of these? WORLDCONS: New York, Philadelphia and Atlanta are bidding for 1986, the latter most favoured in the F770 straw poll. In 1987, San Diego, Phoenix and B*R*I*T*A*I*N. In 1988, Yugoslavia -- one might feel guilty about a 1987 UK bid being detrimental to this, were it not for prevalent US opinion that Yugoslavia is a total non-starter. In 1989. Boston again. After which, who knows? ### MEDIATIONS ### R.I.Barycz `Space Patrol' of antient US-TV fame is to be resurrected as a feature length movie cum TV series pilot partly in 3D... wonder if the new will recapture the heady naivete of the old -- that in prevideotape days went out live and there are still people around who remember The-Episode-In-Which-The-Monsters- Of-The-Planet-Tharg-Got-Bored-And-Began-To-Eat-The-Cardboard- Scenery-And-Revealed-Themselves-As-Small-Lizards-With-Stuck- On-Fangs-Made-Large-By-Crafty-Camera-Angles. Or the time the stars forgot a line and ad-libbed a whole episode....Oh, the Golden Age. ROTJ was the end of a six year love affair. I can do no review -- mostly out of annoyance. I coughed up #50 for 2nd, 3rd and 4th draft scripts of Star Wars at a movie jumble in March and IT'S ALL THERE AND I READ IT. A dreadful sense of deja-vu, or djedi-vu. In the last draft I gather Lucas got to do his favourite scene viz. where the hero is adopted into a tribe of Wookies and teaches them to fly X-wings and off they zoom to knock the guano out of the Death Star. For wookiees, substitute Ewoks and there it is. Lucas Plays Safe. Boo, Hiss. Cannon will start filming Colin Wilson's The Space Vampires in England in Jan 84: scriptwriter to be Dan (the good bits from Van Vogt) O'Bannon.. ### MORE CONS UNICON was `bloody awful'. apparently due to low numbers and Manconish university venue; X-CON (Holland) was also underpopulated but reportedly OK despite the awful ravages of a drink called Mort Subite whose cherry-flavoured version (it's a sort of stale barley wine laced with methanol) was inadvisedly tried by Bob Shaw. UFP-CON (4-7 May Midland Hotel Manchester) is the 84 Trekthing, #15 to 135 Greensted Rd, Leighton, Essex, IG10 3DJ; MYTHCON 84 (7-9 Sept, Hull) #10 to 53 Glencoe St, Hull, HU3 6HR; CONQUEST (12-14 Oct 84 Ingram Hotel Glasgow) is devoted to -- oh God -- Elfquest, GoH Pinis, #10 to 63 Waybridge Mead, Yately, Camberley, Surrey, GU17 7UX. BIRMINGHAM IN 86. another Eastercon bid (see p.6) reputedly from M.Tudor & S.Green. Amusing if this and Contravention were offering the same rumoured venue.... ### MILFORD Henrietta the Rat reports: `The 1983 Milford SF Writers' Conference (UK) attracted a baker's dozen to the usual venue, the Compton Hotel, from 25 Sept to 2 Oct. Present: Scott Baker, Richard Cowper, Malcolm Edwards, David Garnett, Mary Gentle, Rob Holdstock, Garry Kilworth, Rachel Pollack, David Redd, Diana Reed, Kevin Smith, Andrew Stephenson, Lisa Tuttle. Daytimes were as usual devoted to serious activities such as reading, discussing manuscripts, and drinking. Evenings were as usual divided between serious activities such as open discussions and drinking, and frivolous activities such as games and drinking. The period between 3am and 7am was reserved for sleeping. Important Facts: K.Smith was undefeated in the pool league, while G.Kilworth racked up the high score on the now-venerable Meteoroids machine. Call My Bluff sessions came up with the usual absurd definitions: CRANTARA a piece of bloody wood carried from clan to clan in medieval Scotland; DOWCET a deer's testicle; PAPAPHOBIA intense fear of the pope. All these definitions proved to be true. New chaos emerged in a game introduced by R.Cowper: one person leaves the room, the rest choose an adverb, and the victim tries to guess the word by asking people to perform different actions in the fashion it suggests. The only sight to rival G. Kilworth encountering a rat in the street OFFENSIVELY was the spectacle of all twelve other players dying MELODRAMATICALLY in front of a baffled R.Pollack. Everyone present vowed never to mention the Cowper interpretation of painting a picture PERVERTEDLY. `L.Tuttle was elected as the new Chair, replacing clapped-out D.Garnett. The other committee members -- Langford (Secretary) and Edwards (Treasurer) -- were re-elected. Next year-same time, same place (yet again.)' (HtR) (NB: Mary Gentle's rat Henrietta was present all week but didn't bring a story. The report is actually not by Mary.) ### INFINITELY IMPROBABLE MORE COAS: GWEN FUNNELL, 28 St Martin's Place, Brighton, E Sussex, BN2 3LE :: ANDY LUSIS, 33 Majuba Rd. Edgbaston, Birmingham B16 :: MICKEY POLAND, 2 Sqn, 21 Signal Rest, RAF DET OSNABRUCK, BFPO 36 :: LORD FOUL'S BAEN -- OFFICIAL! `Jim Baen is the new El Supremo at Pocket / Timescape / Starscope / whatever,' reports M.Edwards, who got it from G.Benford, who we'll hope didn't just read it in Ansible ... PATRICK NIELSEN HAYDEN writes announcing his and Teresa's 1985 TAFF ambitions: "We must descend to active solicitation, crassly prostrating ourselves like some, some... _Jan Howard Finder_ ... (gnashing of teeth, gurgling of internal juices) ... Nearly recovered from the brutal phantasmagoria that was ConStellation, little Teresa is almost completely reassured that really nothing so horrible as `Isaac Asimov' exists, much less wins Hugos for first drafts, and the twitch in Patrick's shoulder -- the tragic result of one too many obsequious pleas for an award by the gruesome `Jack Chalker' audioanimatron-may be, they tell us, treatable through incisions of only _one lobe_." (PNH) HEADLINES: WESTON CRUSHED. THE BRUMMIES JUST LOVE WESTON! WESTON IS NOW `TWINNED' -- AND THAT'S OFFICIAL! All passed on by Dave Wood. who (not to keep you in suspense) lives and buys his newspapers in Avon. Also Joyce Scrivner sands a Minneapolis Tribune ad offering, with your purchase of a 1982 Snapper, a FREE THATCHERIZER -- sobering thought. Wm Gibson, famous Vancouver author not to be confused with Continental person Wim Gijsen, was himself confused enough to send a congratulatory note on the arrival of their baby to Malcolm Edwards and Chris Evans.... R.I.BARYCZ reports DUNE location footage to be in the can, George Lucas to have celebrated ROTJ's success with divorce proceedings (`This is very American'), ST-III: THE SEARCH FOR SPOCK to be shooting under Nimoy's direction, the only 70mm print of 2001 in the UK to have been recently junked, 2010 to be in preproduction ($20M budget) ... `At a recent Anderson con someone was mad enough to buy a Thunderbirds ice-lolly, 10 yrs in a fridge. And unwrapped it and sucked it to the stick there and then.' R.Peyton reports recently auctioning a rude `Kirk-Spocking' fanzine for #105, one of Kirk's old jackets for #135 ... SF IN SOUTHEND -- AN APOLOGY: We are very sorry about `SF in Southend'. (Old jokes aside, last issue's snippet generated inflammatory letters from J.Beedell, A.Stewart, J.Murphy, all somewhat confusing. All are no doubt paragons and merely misunderstood -- JB's naivete being eagerly hoped to conceal corruption, etc) ... NUCLEAR-FREE NEWS ITEM: US sympathy with the antinuclear movement, or with Marjorie Brunner (take your pick), was revealed when she organized an antinuke meeting at ConStellation and nobody turned up. A Gollancz editor too often mentioned this issue offers floorspace to fans attending CNDcon (22 Oct), but ring first -- 01-340-9983. Worries about what my quondam employers AWRE would say about this item are eclipsed by worries of what they'll do to me on reading my novel THE LEAKY ESTABLISHMENT in Spring, it being about nuclear high-jinks at a totally fictional research establishiment. BORING BORING: Joe Nicholas `would like to point out to recipients of John Owen's fnz RASTUS that his letter, partly paraphrased therein, was expressly DNQ (a fact Owen actually acknowledges in passing) -- and that having broached this standard fannish confidence. Owen completely misrepresents the content of the letter. It's nice to hear he's calling off his attacks on me, but would he have done so if I hadn't pointed out that he was contradicting his own advice about me in the WAHF column of CRYSTAL SHIT 6?' (JN) GUFF ballots are now out but are in A4 format (no Ansible distribution) -- ask Joe at the Tun, Novacon, or 22 Donbigh St. Pimlico, London, SW1V 2ER (sae?) ... CHARLES PLATT, overexcited at a Worldcon party, was heard to proclaim that if someone brought him Judy Lynn del Rey he'd piss on her. (Nobody did.) He reports: `John Sladek arrived here and has been staying in an illegal sublet upstairs from me. Unfortunately the building superintendent heard him typing and deduced his presence. He is therefore moving again, to Minneapolis, Minnesota state of his youth. He had contemplated a 3-month walk down the Appalachian Trail: this being his answer to NY's High Rent Problem, but a stroll up and down a hill overlooking Tom Disch's country summer house changed his mind.' (C.Platt) THE FAKE BOB SHAW, writes Neil Craig, has expanded with another shop close to NC's `Futureshock' SF bookshop. "He has made it clear that the purpose of this new site is not to make money particularly but to get me for not coming to heel etc and publically objecting to being ripped off. To quote Shaw: `He he cackle."' The Craig/Shaw partnership (dec'd) having been `Photon Books', this new place shared with a photographer -- started as `Photo'n Books', became `Futureshop' after legal muttering and after more legal muttering is `Books'n Photo'. Price war in progress. Also `Futureshock' has suffered a curious rash of superglued locks, smashed windows ... 5 Oct. ============================================================= HAZEL'S LANGUAGE LESSONS #26 Hindustani by Numbers DHAUNCHA: number from the four and a half times table, CHHANGA: man with 6 fingers BATTISI: 32 of something SANKH: 10 billion; 100 billion; a conch shell. ANSIBLE 35: DAVE LANGFORD 94 LONDON ROAD, READING, BERKS, RG1 5AU, ENGLAND. ============================================================= A WORD FROM OUR "TYPIST", ALEX McLINTOCK This File was scanned and then re-typed (because of the really small lithograph print) by AlexMC in a useless attempt to get publicity for Evolution The 1996 Eastercon. It is also in part a thank-you for all the Ansibles that I have collected from Dave over the last five years at the Ton, wherever it may be. You have obviously lost the layout, and emphasis of the original (the 8 point characters, the italics, the three pictures) Tough luck. ============================================================= [ANSIBLE 35 ends] ANSIBLE 36, December 1983: PLEASE NOTE that this old ANSIBLE is a bit of history. Addresses may have changed (though the editor's postal address hasn't), prices and agents' credits are invalid, etc. This issue was produced in my BWP or Before-Word-Processors era and lovingly rekeyed for the archives by JOHN BRAY ... to whom many thanks! Dave Langford, ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk, 1994. =========================================================== ANSIBLE 36 comes to you with merry Xmas greetings (since this year the Langfords can't afford even cheap Xmas cards -- take another bow, Pocket Books) from ever-misinformed DAVE LANGFORD, 94 LONDON ROAD, READING, BERKSHIRE, RG1 5AU. Shock horror inflation strikes the sub rates again following a further Agonizing Reappraisal: the usual #2 now brings a paltry SIX issues, airmailed outside the UK. Notes to me, cheques to ANSIBLE, Giro transfer to a/c 24 475 4403 and pawns to Q4. Americans: $3.50 to Mary & Bill Burns, 23 Kensington Ct, Hempstead, NY 11550. Continental Europeans: equivalent of #2 to Roelof Goudriaan, Postbus 1189, 8200 BD Lelystad, Netherlands. Institutions who insist in messing around with invoices rather than paying with order like honest folk: #4 to me or $7 to the Burnses. Thanks this issue to KEV CLARKE (cartoon), KEITH FREEMAN (libels/labels editor), CHRIS SUSLOWICZ (cheapo white paper) and JOHN HARVEY (electrostencil boss). For those unskilled in the esoteric mailing-label cipher: the arcane runes LASTISH (followed by a number) mean you're OK to the given issue number; SUB DUE or ***** mean absolutely frightful things such as the extreme unlikelihood of your receiving another ANSIBLE unless you rush along money or hot news. (Your change of address, essential though it is to the continuing supply of ANSIBLEs on your doormat, does not actually count as Hot News for this purpose.) Subscription/trade list at the type of typing: 362 copies to me mailed out in one glorious day. Death, where is thy sting? Almost forgot: thanks for collation and assistance over the last few issues to Chris Hughes, Jan Huxley and Hazel. Here is the small print, where nobody will read it, this fanzine feels safe in supporting ROB HANSEN FOR TAFF and BRITAIN FOR THE 1987 WORLDCON. Also: Happy New Year. =========================================================== NOVACON 13 (4-6 Nov Royal Angus Hotel, Birmingham): The usual appalling debauchery and disconnected events seemed to be cloaking a pretty good Novacon this time. GoH Lisa Tuttle explained all about cons in her fannish speech (in the fanroom, which was down that sort of mineshaft hidden in a labyrinth at the back of the hotel restaurant), revealing fannishness to be a virus and the con phenomenon to be ascribable to the Selfish Gene; her pro speech was in the main hall and thus allowed room for an audience, which emitted appropriate oohs and ahs of horror at her uncensored revelations of what it's like to collaborate with George RR Martin. When this speech was over a committee member who shall be nameless popped up to announce something or other, and an ANSIBLE editor who shall be nameless still feels deeply guilty for allowing the spirit to move him to flee the hall shrieking `Oh God it's Steve Green!' -- this getting a round of cheap applause, tut tut. The Drunken Dragon Press publication THE OTHER BOOK, a special 80pp Tuttle mini-anthology, was unfortunately cancelled by putative publisher Rog Peyton when the estimated cost reached #8.95 per copy; so this Novacon didn't feature the usual Special GoH Publication. Light on this was provided by another talk from Toby `Publishing Is The Last Of The Cottage Industries' Roxburgh, who overwhelmed his audience with book-production cost figures and excoriated them for the Neanderthal insistence on dustjackets (`the most expensive single bit of a hardback') by which the reader in the street helps keep books overpriced. Less successfully, a panel on `Why are American SF authors so reactionary, and British ones so revolutionary?' (invisibly chaired by Phill Probert) turned out to have been sabotaged beforehand by behind-the-scenes organiser Jan Huxley's tendency to accidentally swap the terms `American' and `British' in the panel title when inveigling people onto it. Peter Weston talked about Larry Niven's jacuzzi, Joe Nicholas uttered hideous curses on the lickspittle fascists running dogs of the repressive Thatcherite/Reaganite juntas, D.Langford failed in agonizing efforts to Define Terms, and supercool Stu Shiffman (hauled onstage as Token American despite firm protests) confided that these British generalisations did somewhat tend to piss him off. We draw a veil over Jack Cohen, master of the semi-infinite question from the floor, and also over the gruelling `Novacon Factor' event in which P.Morgan, L.Kettle, J.Jarrold and Yr.Editor were tested for forgotten abilities such as memory, SF knowledge and doing the dreaded Astral League Pole Test. Few survived. The next Novacon is to be in the Grand Hotel (the usual Novacon overflow) with S.Green as chair and Rob Holdstock revealed as Big enough to be GoH. One hopes the committee will overcome the Grand's rumoured tendency to offer a choice of two bars, a small closed poky one at the top and a big one full of the general public at the bottom. Martin Easterbrook records this immortal dialogue during the announcement -- GREEN: `Next year's Novacon registration will be cheaper because the hotel is letting us have the function rooms free.' PROBERT: `But the Angus let us have the function rooms free this year.' GREEN: `Yes, but the function rooms at the Grand are bigger.' Nova Awards were duly presented. Best British Fanzine: A COOL HEAD from Dave Bridges (so THAT'S why he put out 3 issues simultaneously). Fanwriter: D. Bridges. Fanartist: Margaret Welbank. A kindly mole revealed the runners-up in each category, respectively: STILL IT MOVES and DT, Linda Pickersgill and D.West, Pete Lyon and D.West. The fabulous COFF award again raised a fair bit for TAFF and GUFF at 10p/vote, this year's victor having an enormous majority said to have been `arranged' by the Women's Periodical apa-mob for his wicked printing of the tasteless MATRIX 48 cover -- in which case one might enquire why Pete Lyon got no votes at all for drawing said cover ... Those thought most in need of a Concrete Overcoat (at least by those who voted early and often): Simon Polley (84 votes), Pauline Morgan (22), Bob fake Shaw (21), Pete Weston (20), All Babies/John Brunner/Steve Green (all 15), Joy Hibbert (12), `A Crook Named Bolt' (10), Graham James (7), Rog Peyton (6), Tibs (5), Adam Baxter (3), Jack Cohen/Martin Hoare/David Power/Matt Williams (2), Jon May/Ian Sorensen (1), Kevin Clark (1/2). Polls now open for the 1984, say official ballot stuffers Kev Clarke (h'm) and Chris Suslowicz -- 111 Valley Road, Solihull, W Midlands, B92 9AX. The Rob Holdstock Tact Award went to Martin Hoare, who congratulated Peter Weston on his `new fancy-woman', only to discover the lady in question to be Eileen Weston in a new hairstyle. (`The Brum Group is going to collapse at the beginning of 1984', she loyally confided: `Peter hasn't time to be chairman again.') The Chris Carlsen Mindless Violence Award had Greg Pickersgill hot favourite following reports of how his fist had instinctively sought Martin Tudor's face, but Greg's almost apologetic performance seemingly pales into insignificance when compared with that orgy of destruction at Mr Tudor's (non-Novacon) party, where a glass door suffered personality dissociation and all I know is that Steve Green rang me to ask that I refrain from printing the foul libels I would receive from Chris Suslowicz (but didn't). Nor can ANSIBLE, fanzine of good taste, reveal which 1984 Novacon chairman was complained of by a bitter Chris Hughes, for `completely demolishing more than half of an eight-member committee meal whilst nobody was looking'. Surely not....? BRITAIN IN 1987: Furtive meetings, fanroom discussions, and official announcements happened at Novacon, emerging with a provisional committee of Chris Atkinson, Malcolm Edwards (chair), Colin Fine, Dave Langford, Hugh Whatsit, Martin Tudor and Paul Vincent (later purged). Presupporting memberships -- over 100 -- were taken at #1 apiece, since lots of money is needed for publicity (especially in the US and Australia): rush yours to 28 Duckett Road, London, N4 1BN, for now the Official Address. Americans: $2 to Gary Farber, 2773 8th Ave NE, Seattle, WA 98105. Australians: $2 to Roger Weddall, 79 Bell St, Fitzroy, 3065, Australia. Europeans: Equivalent of #2 to UK address or Roelof Goudriaan, address lurking in ANSIBLE masthead. More agents are needed all over the place, and we hope sympathizers will help with donations, fundraising Auctions, etc. Carey Handfield reports that the Aussie 85 bid, spent about #1300 on bidding expenses (and were still criticized as cheapskates by one or two US fanzines). So: money, money, money! What's going for this bid? American fans seem enthusiastic, as reported last issue. Gene Wolfe Himself is presupporting member #1, and also GoH at Aussiecon II in Melbourne, where the voting will take place ... And, although boring old Pete Weston has some quibble in this area, it's generally accepted (ENCYCLOPAEDIA et) that the first-ever planned SF convention was the British one in Leeds, 1937. Fifty years on... can this be destiny? THE 22 DENBIGH ST PEOPLE'S REVOLUTIONARY COLLECTIVE "has surrendered to the forces of Bourgeois Middle Class Respectability," write POLITICAL CORRESPONDENT PAM WELLS. "Or, put another way, Judith Hanna and Joseph Nicholas were married on Saturday 19 November. After the brief ceremony in fascistically marble-halled Westminster Registry Office, Joe & Judith lead their guests crocodile-fashion through the Underground network to Collective HQ. Tucking into hummus dip and piles of crisps, many of us evidently hadn't had time for breakfast that morning; the mountains of chill con carne which Judith magnificently produced satisfied the toiling masses's hunger for the kulak's blood. Wine flowed freely and its effects were freely visible; all we had to do was raise our empty glasses for Joseph to fill them again. John Harvey fell asleep in the loo, to be forcibly roused by Ian Maule hammering on the door in defiance of Eve's pleas to `leave him alone'. As a stumbling Harvey descended the stairs, the paintwork of the second stair was slightly rearranged, the almost visible chip alarmed the fastidious Joseph, who hardly ever paused to mutter PROPERTY IS THEFT before setting about repairs. John, undeterred, resumed his nap huddled in a heap by the bed. "The Opening of the Presents took a fair while, mostly because the happy couple were laboriously trying to keep the paper intact. The Collective seemed particularly taken with a gift of bright red towels, obviously a worthy contribution to the Revolutionary cause. There followed a speech from `unaccustomed as I am' Joseph, and another from `unaccustomed as I am' Judith: since neither of them is the least bit unaccustomed to speaking in public, I think the Trades Descriptions people should be told. "Despite having the wedding certificate about his person, Joseph said he didn't FEEL married; Eve assured him that he probably wouldn't for a few weeks. Thus spake the voice of experience... When you're drinking wine from noon to evening, it seems much later than the lying clocks tell you. I wobbled homeward at eight, convinced it was really midnight. An excellent party: Congratulations to Ms Hanna and Mr Nicholas." (PAM WELLS) CHARLES PLATT: "At the beginning of November, Putnam/Berkley collaborated with book publisher Byron Preiss in an extravaganza at Danceteria (fashionable NY midtown disco) to mark publication of a collection of old Arthur C. Clarke stories [THE SENTINEL] being hyped as a `major publishing event'. Banks of colour TVs showed 2001 while a competing sound-system played `background music' and guests shouted in each other's ears. Highlight of the evening: `a special message from Clarke, a 1-minute taped phone call that sounded like HURRO AR UH IN NUH ORRRRK THISSS ARRRTHR C. CLARKE VIA BRRRRKKKK COMMUNICATIONS SATELLITE RRHHHGGTTSS AWRR SSS... while at the same time the TVs blared `Open the pod bay door, Hal!' etc... Scott Edelman, a Brooklyn wine dealer, is pushing his new mag THE LAST WAVE as the `last hope of speculative fiction', successor to `NEW WORLDS, ORBIT and DANGEROUS VISIONS'. (Funny, he doesn't mention INTERZONE.) Despite glossy paper and decent typesetting, the mag looks slightly tattier than a socialist leaflet, whereas it costs slightly more. Recognizable names in the first issue include Disch and Sladek, represented by old stories apparently unsaleable elsewhere. Upcoming, in issue 2: the libretto of an `unpublished opera' by Disch, who must shoulder the blame for having discovered Edelman at a Clarion writing workshop." (CHARLES PLATT) CYMRUCON 3 (26-7 Nov Central Hotel, Cardiff): "A wave of nostalgia hit me as I approached the third Welsh National Con," HICCUPS OUR BEER CORRESPONDENT MARTIN HOARE. "Not just the alcohol (due to a derailment at Paddington the train was so overcrowded that I was compelled, against my will, to stand at the bar for the whole journey), nor the general shabbiness of the hotel (bringing back memories of early Novacons at the Imperial): it was arriving at a con that in the previous two years avoided the pretension of many more established counterparts. "In the homely Central Hotel, my room seemed just as I'd left it last year; gladly I retrieved my corkscrew where I inadvertently threw it in a moment of awful drunkenness last November. What the Central lacked in images it made up for in enthusiasm. The bar really did stay open all night, and the bar meals -- unlike the Royal Angus's -- were good value. "Cymrucon is an enigma among British cons. It's been described as seven cons sharing the same hotel: where else can you watch Fireball XL5 (don't worry, Dave, it was the same episode as last year) or films more severely edited than ANSIBLE con reports (CARRIE cut to 30 mins!)? John Brunner proved a good GoH, both by failing to walk out on any programme items he was on and by mingling in the bar much more than most guests. He even stayed in the hotel, reluctantly, while fans dragged me out against my will around the real ale pubs of Cardiff. This showed foresight: returning, I found the Beccon group's fan room in full swing, which along with Martin Tudor's party was the highspot of the con. "Alas, many notable fans were absent; even Lionel Fanthorpe was hardly in evidence, due to his newly discovered religious scruples rather than the apathy or poverty which overcame most of British fandom. Cymrucon hasn't yet acquired the middle-aged bloom of respectability of Novacon etc, and I'll certainly be going to next year's." (MARTIN HOARE) FOOTNOTE: The consensus seems to be that Cymrucon 3 was less triffic that the first two. Famous iconoclast G.Pickersgill went further, as usual, with such phrases as `fucking awful', and `I went because I'd heard it turned the clock back to when cons were really good, but you can turn the clock TOO FAR back and when I saw all those cretins chasing each other with water-pistols ...' As usual: one convention, several hundred opinions. MARTIN MORSE WOOSTER: "You should know about the interview the del Reys had with the WASHINGTON POST. Not only does Lester reveal `I'm a happy little moron who happily and deliberately dropped out of college because I didn't think it was worth a damn'; not only does Judy-Lynn disclose `I used to be a Jewish princess -- now I'm a Jewish empress'; but the del Reys' SECRET PASSION is revealed: `three identical figures of bulls, each 3" high, each with a thatch of mink fur between the horns... They are garlanded in miniature kerchiefs and neck chains, and each has a teeny teddy bear half its height "to sleep with".' The bulls are fed regularly, and one has a business card: `Urban del Rey. Represented by Scott Meredith Literary Agency'. Two more quotes: Lester now says `I consider myself, by my own choice, a has-been writer.' And David Hartwell says that Judy-Lynn's success `is too narrow. The basis for her success is the repeatable product. That response to the marketplace is no different in kind, in many respects, from Silhouette Romances [US MILLS & BOON].' Way to go, David. WHERE are you working now?" (MMW) WORLD FANTASY AWARDS have been awarded. Novel NIFFT THE LEAN, Michael Shea (I quite liked the book, but it does happen to be a collection of short stories); Novella `Beyond any Measure', K.E.Wagner, tied with `Confess the Seasons', C.L.Grant; Artist, Michael Whelan; Life Achievement, Roald Dahl; etc... GAMES: IMAGINE magazine is expanded to an alleged 30,000 printrun with national distribution via WHS etc; not to be outdone, the Old Firm at WHITE DWARF plans to boost printrun to 21,000+ and get distributed via WHS etc; contributors to both anticipate hugely increased payments... CONSTELLATION (WORLDCON 83) has lost $25-30,000 and is begging for donations; plans include flogging the mailing list and selling leftover goodies like the Brunner Songbook (with great commercial acumen then contrived to sell only 177 out of 1500 copies at the con). The giant video-screen (A35) alone cost $15,000 to hire, a sum apparently unauthorized by the main Worldcon committee. THE INTERMITTENT ANSIBLE LETTER COLUMN RETURNS! GIAN PAOLO COSSATO: "With the phrase Marjorie Brunner sends harrowing details of the return from their Italian trip' (A34) you give the impression that the incident happened in Italy. This is not the case. In a letter dated 15/7/83 and addressed to me, Marjorie says `... the con at LES ALLUES was fun but spoilt at the end because someone ripped off the hood of the Stag and stole many things, -- and we have always felt a little fear about leaving the Stag in the car park in Venice!! Oh well.' The aforementioned place is outside the Italian border. "Not many years ago the magazine DER SPIEGEL had a nice cover with some spaghetti and a gun which was meant to describe the Italian situation with red brigades and such. And the message was do not got to Italy, you might get killed. It did not take long for the Germans to experience their own brand of the same... I am sure there was nothing intentional on your part but I just wanted to make it clear." (GPC) * To the entire Italian nation, ANSIBLE apologises! Implication not intended, A35 also wrongly conflated (or rather the information source did) two items at ConStellation: a moderately well attended `antinuke meeting' not organised by Marjorie Brunner (though featuring John), and the SF radio drama where Marjorie's cassette of WHEN THE WIND BLOWS failed -- like everything else there -- to attract an audience. After a period of the usual death threats signed in blood, diplomatic relations between Reading and South Petherton have been resumed... BOB fake SHAW: "A couple of points about the latest issue that I find more than slightly offensive. Firstly, the strange suggestion that Faircon '84 isn't the side wearing the white hats, and the mischievous implication that Faircon is solely the creation of Bob Shaw. We've been straight with everyone else in Glasgow and elsewhere. In turn, we've been fucked about as much as possible by our fellow fans -- yourself included. We made a serious, and responsible, set of suggestions to the somewhat insubstantial Albacon 84 Committee which led to less than nothing. ...Such approaches were very much at the behest of the Committee in general. My own feelings about the whole thought of attempting to talk to a bunch of folks who range -- in my opinion -- from the merely defective right through to the actively poisonous were in many ways at odds with those in the rest of the committee... Vilification of Faircon is wrong. You shouldn't do it. Why not simply let actions speak? Our actions have been fair, open and honest. Can the same be said of the lot you characterise as the Good Guys? The membership Secretary of Faircon '84 informs me, by the way, that we have 43 members (and counting)." * From this letter it would be hard to deduce that the `defective/poisonous' Albacon 84 mob consists of much the same people who ran the quite successful Albacon II earlier this year: that after the initial foolish situation of `confrontation' (Albacon '84 and Faircon are on the same weekend) had been set up, Bob's reasonable proposal consisted not of combining the events or offsetting one by a week or so, but of asking that Albacon hand over all memberships and start from scratch with a new con at the chilly end of the year; or that the hideous bias of ANSIBLE 35 was such that I also got verbally ticked off by one or two Albacon '84 committee members, for giving some credit for superior publications production (since equalised by Albacon) etc to `evil' Bob. Of course the membership figure is pre-Novacon, like the 50+ reported by Albacon '84. * Bob goes on to complain about `the hopelessly deranged Neil Criag' (sic), to explain that the whole business of Bob's bookshop being temporarily called `Futureshop' -- to rival Neil's `Futureshock' -- was but a merry harmless jape, and to add that Glasgow vandals have also done over HIS shop: `Of course I might have arranged [this] just as a smokescreen...' ANSIBLE, bias-free as ever, must give equal time to the possibility that Neil's was the evil hand, attacks on `Futureshock' being mere persiflage...? * Shaw News from other sources hints that one of his emporia has been closed, leaving only the one in Woodlands Road with Neil's, and that his spouse Morag is anticipating a Happy Event. MARTIN RANDALL, PRESIDENT: SFWA "I am writing on behalf of Andre Norton and Jessica Amanda Salmonson, who have asked me to respond to your recent note in ANSIBLE (35) concerning these folk. Ms Norton has advised me that she was never asked to review a Salmonson script, by Don Wollheim or anyone else, and certainly would never have threatened to boycott a publisher because that publisher printed something Ms Norton did not like. Ms Salmonson advises me that to the best of her knowledge, no manuscript of hers has ever been submitted to DAW... It appears that the story which appeared in Ansible is a fabrication from beginning to end, in general and in particular, in whole and in part. "At least, it was ill advised to print such a story without calling one of the principals to check the facts. Both Ms Norton and Ms Salmonson are understandably quite upset, both by the ostensible `feud' which was foisted on them behind their backs. Perhaps a note of apology and a retraction in the next ANSIBLE would be appropriate -- and a resolution that, in the future, such stories will be verified before they are printed." (MR) * I can only accept this correction, retract the ANSIBLE 35 snippet in toto, and offer apologies to all concerned. Varyingly temperate letters on this subject where received from Jessica Amanda Salmonson, from the Larry Sternig Literary Agency (Andre Norton's agents) and from Yergey and Yergey (Andre Norton's attorneys). Although my retraction and apology is made without qualification, I note for the benefit of the latter that the untrue rumour wasn't of MY invention, but was reported to be as circulating in certain `US academic' quarters. Which is no excuse but does place the "fons et origo mali" back in America. BRIAN ALDISS: "Re your ANSIBLE 35 knocking of INTERZONE. IZ is obviously superior to NEW WORLDS, since NW would accept the occasional story from me, whereas IZ turns them all down. So be more respectful to IZ!" (BA) * I asked Malcolm Edwards (erstwhile IZ maestro) what sort of stories that mag was after. He launched into an outburst about how he'd tried to persuade Ellen (Omni) Datlow to reject a few of Wm Gibson's stories, since famous Mr Gibson had promised after frightful threats to let IZ have a second look. Quoth Ms Datlow: "I'm NEVER going to reject a Gibson story!" The author in question had better not read this ANSIBLE or he'll become overconfident (oops, he's a subscriber)... Meanwhile Richard Bergeron, convinced that WG is the leading literary light of the known universe, plans to run extracts from the author's NEUROMANCER (recently bagged by Malcolm for Gollancz, Were IZ given the chance to serialize it? I think we should be told) in his fanzine WIZ. What all this is leading up to, Brian, is that I'm sure I could handily serialize HELLICONIA WINTER in ANSIBLE 42-123 if we can arrange terms... THE BRITISH LIBRARY LENDING DIVISION "To: British Science Fiction Association Ltd, 94 London Rd, Reading, Berks... The British Library Lending Division is building up a worldwide collection of serial literature. Our attention has been drawn to your publication `Fantasy and Science Fiction'. Before deciding to place a subscription to this title, we would like to inspect a sample..." * No comment... Next, the much-maligned former organiser of `SF in Southend' exercises the Right to Reply in what one hopes -- SFiS being reportedly defunct and fandom unified in those parts -- will be the last word or something: JOE BEEDELL "Thank you very much for Ansible 35, the whole SFiS issue is not yet over, as you see I have some loose ends to tie up, like Alex Stewart for instance. I thought that you would be pleased to know that I have joined the Alex Stewart fan club for real prats (excuse the pun) but I have still got the needle over the following things, "1. He caused one of my very best friends, who I have known for over 11 years to turn against me because of the malicious lies he has been telling about me. "2. Apart from that I warned certain people no end about the high and mighty attitude that he delights in talking about media fans in general, lets take UNICON as an example shall we UNICON was supposed to be for media and general fans alike but of course as Alex is two faced, AND BELIEVE ME HE IS as some of his media friends have found out. One of the members of the UNICON convention helped out after Susan Francis let everybody down the angels name is Helen McCarthy, who is a member of Fanderson came as a blessing in disguise to John Murphy who was left with the SINKING SHIP. Now when the convention has ended and John said to Alex why don't we have a whip round for Helen as a kind of thankyou for all she had done, Alex turned round, and said `We don't have to get her anything do we'. John was very angry about this and had to have a whip round himself. John said the program was disgraceful and asked what he could do for the media fans before the end of the convention, Alex's reply to this is unprintable even in this letter. "To clear up any rumours about me and somebody else starting another science fiction club, they are totally unfounded, as for me leaving S.F. Fandom, I am not leaving because if fandom is to be cleaned up it's people like Alex Stewart that needs to be calmed down to the media fandom. As it stands, Alex used UNICON and me to publicise the fact that he wants to be one of the bigots of fandom, by trying to drag my name into disrepute that Alex seems to love that womens talk by himself. "I have the following things to say to Alex, and he had better take notice of this. `Are Alex my old friend, have you heard of the Klingon proverb that Telsors revenge is a dish best served cold. It is very cold in media SF fandom.' "Hope to be subscribing to Ansible soon and look forward to his reply because I am telling Alex to FUCK off. Never to come near me again." (JB) * Maybe this -- printed as received since some of the allusions escape me -- won't be the Last Word after all. From Alex I merely have a report of the Unicon 4 business meeting: four A4 pages of complaints about the U of Essex venue's standards of accommodation, inadequate health & safety precautions and surly staff -- who at one stage stole the committee's membership receipt stubs for a Mancon-style morals check on attendees from the same address who'd only booked one room between them. Various drastic reprisals were discussed -- legal action, reporting the centre as a substandard venue to the Conference Bluebook, etc -- but I gather there was a compromise whereby the committee paid lots less than originally agreed and thus made a vast surplus for Unicon 5/Oxcon's use. The report RECORDS no complaints about the committee (who got three votes of thanks, all from Ken Slater or programme (bar some references to `unsuccessful' live music one evening), and arch-bigot A.Stewart appears to have proposed a vote of thanks to Helen McCarthy `for organising the Logan's Run'. Nobody seems to regard Unicon 4 as a particularly good con, but everyone blames this on the almost unrelievedly rotten venue. ALEX STEWART "It's DEFINITELY the last time I get involved in a con committee of less than half a dozen, though, and the last one I want to chair for quite some time... "About MAP's sci-fi magazine Space Voyager. Apparently the entire editorial staff has just been sacked, by form letter, to be replaced by friends of the publisher. Needless to say, they know even less about SF than the old lot, which leaves my future as an underpaid book reviewer in serious doubt. Marion van der Voort has already come out in support of the old regime by refusing to continue compiling the con listings. [Later she decided it was "better to have one fan still on the strength, no matter what" and is carrying on -- verbal update from AS] Me, I always knew it wouldn't last... "I was very amused by the `Thunderbirds ice lolly' story in A35: a classic example of myth creation in progress. The confection in question, was, in fact a packet of KP Outer Spacers, which fetched a goodly sum in the con auction due to having been autographed on the spot by Gerry Anderson. I know -- I was there (he said, blowing his cover as a closet media fan). But do you want to bet that the far more romantic ice lolly version, suitably embellished with circumstantial detail, will remain forever in mediafannish mythology?" (AS) R.I.BARYCZ "So more ordinariness. The news about the Anderson lollypop (ice) is devastating. It was a direct quote from the man himself in an issue of SCREEN INTERNATIONAL. You mean it was... just Hype? JOHN F CARR "It is time once again for your annual SFWA dues. I am pleased to announce that dues will continue to stay at $40 per year..." * Ironic that this, and SFWA's reproval of a small fanzine (last page) should swiftly follow the news that SFWA feels unable to help extract a four-figure sum owed me/Arrow by Pocket Books. COA [mostly omitted in this archive edition] John Sladek ("I got fed up with New York very quickly... a bedsitter in a cockroach infested building in the more dangerous part of town costs $600/month"), moves to Minneapolis ("Utterly unlike NY, I'm glad to say. A few people here still say hello to strangers on the street! I'm, getting a job -- technical writing -- & and a car." JS) INFINITELY IMPROBABLE EVENTS: A completely updated con listing can wait for A37. The ONE TUN XMAS MEETING is on 22 Dec. ALBACON 84 details at last: #3 supp/#8 att to 62 Campside Rd, Wishaw, ML2 7QG. CONQUEST (A35) is not just an Elfquest con, protests Linda Miller -- address above -- but will have James White as token SF person. BECCON 83 (at which I distinguished myself by dropping on for one day, getting up so early that I fell asleep in Brian Stableford's talk and distracted him into reportedly abusing me for several minutes until the person next to me in the front row gave a humane prod) will be succeeded by Beccon 85. OXCON (A35) is filling up quickly, say the committee: book now, etc... EUROCON 84 is the 6th European Conference on Electrotechnics -- it says here. SEACON 84: PR2 is out with a booking form putting Easter back one day in accordance with the little-known religious tenets of PR boss Alan Dorey... BOSTON IN 89 worldcon bid launched, details from Box 46, MIT Branch PO, Cambridge MA 02139, USA... There is no Birmingham in 86 Eastercon bid any more (A35)... FRANK'S APA is a new UK apa which burst fully-armed from the brow of G.Pickersgill since Silicon: three mailings have already happened and there is now a Waiting List, the goal of 35 members having already been attained. Applications to FRANK (Greg's official title), 7a Lawrence Rd, S Ealing, W5. Reportedly famous Brum person Pete Weston is Deeply Unamused by the fact that f.b.p Rog Peyton has joined FRANK after numerous refusals to be enticed by Birmingham's (ie Peter's) APA-B... MORE WOOSTER: "Network News is dead. It was rather a spectacular bankruptcy, and your correspondent has been temporarily transformed from Hero Editor to Self- Employed Hack." So don't send him the articles he was requesting a few issues back. "The composer of the DUNE soundtrack is to be Stevie Wonder. Sting, fresh from starring in DUNE, has purchased the rights to the Gormenghast trilogy and has written a screenplay containing `a role for him as a vicious but attractive upstart, his favourite part'"... NEWS CLIPPINGS: Dave Wood also sent something about this Sting person, who confessed that "Mervyn Peake is my favourite sci-fi author though I've never met him." Also the traditional local headlines: WEST FARMING WOMEN, WESTON HELD AT BAY, LANGFORD WORKS (a palpable lie) and, attached some reason to a copy of D's flyer this issue, ILL WINDS FROM THE WEST. Also Brian Aldiss sends a second-hand bit from PRIVATE EYE ("I bought this painting -- a tasteful abstract -- believing it was the work of a famous local artist called Brian Burgess... shortly afterwards I discovered it was not by Burgess but by an 8-week-old Muscovy duck called St James who waddled across the canvas with paint on his webbed feet" -- same difference), and Chris Morgan's SOLIHULL TIMES extract demands quotation in full: "KEVIN'S DREAM MACHINE! The love in the life of Balsall Common window cleaner Kevin Smith weighs several tons, has shiny bells, a deafening klaxon and is painted bright red." Neither recently married Kevin or the love of his life Diana was available for comment... BRITISH FANTASY AWARDS: given at Fantasycon VIII, 16 Oct. Best Novel, SWORD OF THE LICTOR; Short `The Breathing Method' (King); Small Press FANTASY TALES; Film BLADERUNNER; Artist D.Carso; Special, K.E.Wagner for something or other ... TWILIGHT ZINE 6 "from the Solihull SF Group (who they?)" was found by George Flynn "on freebie tables at Constellation. I reported this to the MIT SF Soc, which has been pubbing "its" TWILIGHT ZINE since 1961. Much indignation ensued... (War should be averted as long as we don't tell Reagan.)"... IAN WATSON COMPUTERISED! The new firm Mosaic Software (founded by Vicky Carne, once of Dobson Books) is producing tie-in computer games based on Ian's `The Width of the World', his old buddy Harry Harrison's Stainless Steel Rat books (?) and something by Colin Kapp. The reprinted book/story and programme cassette (?) will be marketed together... WILLIAM GOLDING -- you must have heard this -- picked up a Nobel Prize for LORD OF THE FLIES (1954) and there was a terrific bust-up just like the Hugos, when one of the judges felt it ought to have gone to a French novel so obscure it's never been read or translated... SO LONG, AND THANKS FOR ALL THE FISH: what could this be a sequel to? Who is going to write it if he can think of some jokes? Which publishers have paid #100,000 and $400000 for it? Did you really believe somebody when he said LIFE, THE UNIVERSE AND EVERYTHING was to be the Last Of The Series? Answers to Pan and Pocket Books... DRAGONCON 2: 22 Jan 84 at The Bull nr Mortlake Station. GoH Anne McCaffrey, Mat Irvine. #5 to 131 Sheen Lane, London, SW1 8AE... RIP: Franz Ettl, long-time German fan and inventor of the fabulous drink Vurguzz; Mike Wood, US fan since the 60s; Maeve Peake, writer and artist best known as the widow of Mervyn P... PRIEST NEWS: Chris P. is nearing the end of a new book THE GLAMOUR and looking forward to publishing a couple more issues of his fanzine DEADLOSS. A TV play of his `The Watched' goes out on ITV Schools (!) Broadcast in February and "isn't set in the Dream Archipelago any more." The Priest TAKE YOUR PIQ (Paranoia Induction Quotient) Test is in the Xmas BOOKSELLER, enabling book people to assess their (essential) ability) to make authors paranoid and discouraged. And our hero shared a Best Author spot in the Eurocon awards given in Yugoslavia: "I am Najboljsi Pisatelj, scoff as you may, second only to Istvan Nemere. That's going to shake them, down at Faber." Only other name in Eurocon awards which UK folk will all know: SHARDS OF BABEL as co-Best Fanzine... MIKE PARRY of Project Starcast fame is rumoured to have acquired hordes of `Captain Scarlett bendy toys' for a nominal sum (going rate apparently #5 each!), only to be pursued with legal threats from the now- enlightened former owner... BORING BORING BORING: Evil John D.Owen responds to Joe Nicholas's J'ACCUSE! (A35) with "a toothy grin, a tip of the hat, and a cheerful cry of `Sorreee!'" Oh, I say... =========================================================== HAZEL'S LANGUAGE LESSONS #27 Afrikaans courtesy of Chris Morgan DIT REENT OUMEIDE MET KNOPKIERIES: it's raining cats and dogs (literally: grandmothers with knobkerries). ANSIBLE 36: DAVE LANGFORD 94 LONDON ROAD, READING, BERKS. RG1 5AU, ENGLAND. ANSIBLE 37, February 1984: PLEASE NOTE that this old ANSIBLE is a bit of history. Addresses may have changed (though the editor's postal address hasn't), prices and agents' credits are invalid, etc. This issue was produced in my BWP or Before-Word-Processors era and lovingly rekeyed for the archives by JOHN V.KEOGH ... to whom many thanks! Dave Langford, ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk, 1994. ============================================================= ANSIBLE 37 salutes 1984, famous scientifictional year of G.K. Chesterton's famous skiffy work THE NAPOLEON OF NOTTING HILL. Editor: DAVE LANGFORD, 94 LONDON ROAD, READING, BERKSHIRE, RG1 5AU, ENGLAND. Subscriptions: #2 for six issues, airmailed outside UK, to ANSIBLE; Giro transfer to a/c 24 475 4403; Americans can send $3.50 to Burns, 23 Kensington Ct, Hempstead, NY11550; and in the unlikely event of its being more convenient, continental Eurofans can rush #2 equivalent to Goudriaan, Postbus 1189, 8200 BD Lelystad, Netherlands. Institutions: #4/$7. BRITAIN IS HEAVEN IN '87, and anyone sending an ANSIBLE sub is urged to add an extra #1/$2 for pre- supporting membership of this triffic Worldcon bid. Cartoon by D.WEST (but vote for ROB HANSEN on your TAFF ballot), sticky labels by KEITH FREEMAN, special Supreme Editorial Taste Award to KARL EDWARD WAGNER. Thanks for collation last issue to Jan Huxley, Chris Hughes and Rob Welbourn. Mailing label runes: LASTISH NN = you are OK to ANSIBLE #NN; SUB DUE = send money instanter; ***** NN = your sub expired with issue NN and you should be ashamed of yourself; TRADE = for some reason Langford wishes to curry favour with you, and you should be on your guard. Essential reading for Spring 1984 includes MICROMANIA by C.Platt and D.Langford (Gollancz, 1 March) and THE LEAKY ESTABLISHMENT by DL alone (Muller, 27 April but there should be some at Seacon). This fanzine has received financial assistance from the Public Lending Right scheme and is saving up for an ISSN... Feb 1984 ============================================================= SUNNY OPTIMISM was noted in certain quarters as 1984 got under way. At the SF Supper Club, Roz Kaveney confided that she's escaped the _Interzone_ chain-gang to become `Queen of Sci Fi' at Chatto & Windus, editing a `small upmarket SF line'. Toby Roxburgh spread a little gloom and despondency by announcing that SF was dead and nobody wrote sense-of-wonder books any more -- but soon cheered us all up with the stout avowal that even if we all did write super wondrous new books, his small, upmarket SF line at Futura would unhesitatingly reject them in favour of imported American Hugo-Winners. Malcolm Edwards gloated over the leaked news that Mary Gentle's _Golden Whichbreed_ (famous dog-pedigree guide) had acquired more votes than anything in the current BSFA Award nominations, while Brian Stableford skulked in Reading, bitterly complaining that his temerity in giving _GW_ a bad review had earnt him an Official Reprimand plus blacklisting as regards Gollancz review copies... Everyone was reeling at the news that the Public Lending Right scheme was _actually going to bring them money_ : "How much are _you_ getting?" was the question at the tip of every tongue, and naturally evil Malcolm assembled the answers, subsequently calling the roll of authors present in strict order of PLR precedence, from those who hadn't registered at all (eg. himself) and were wailing and gnashing their teeth, up to the heights of Chris Priest (who later bought himself a new photocopier, and is writing articles for US papers trying to whip up enthusiasm for PLR over there, in hopes of similar bounty from reciprocal agreements) and Brian Aldiss, who, when pressed for details of his PLR, smiled modestly as he ordered a further magnum of Moet & Chandon to wash down his tureen of caviar. BRIAN ALDISS: "I noticed in your columns that the ex-writer Ian Watson has done something or other about turning his books into games. I hope Sheila Bush gets a percentage. It reminded me to tell you that -- without me lifting a finger -- my Weidenfield _SF Quiz Book_ has gone onto cassette, and is so published by Acornsoft, as a Grandmaster Quiz entitled, briefly, _Brian Aldiss Science Fiction Quiz for the BBC Microcomputer and Acorn Electron_. Two cassettes, leaflet, lavish packaging. Next Christmas, Penguin will bring out this quiz and the other five along similar lines in one omnibus volume. Just think -- this miserable bit of hackwork is currently earning me more than _Helliconia_... "A report on 1983 Christmas parties which might be of interest to your readers. _New Scientist_: booze and food good, crowded, many pretty girls. Pass. _TLS_: Well worth gatecrashing. Booze and food good and ample. Amiable chaps -- no publishers. One pretty girl and Hermione Lee. Drink never dried up. Credit. _Fiction Magazine_: Boozy ambience over pub. Booze inexhaustible, food okay. Salmon Rushdie present (as at other parties) otherwise very jolly, chaps and girls friendly. Frank Delaney. Credit. _Jonathan Cape_: Begins late (9pm), goes on till 4am. Unstoppable flow of booze and food on all four floors. Many celebrities, including Diana Quick who wants to act in dramatized version of _Helliconia_. Hours of fun, girls up to scratch, chaps friendly, no SF writers, except for Desmond Morris. Credit plus. "As for this kind offer to serialize _Helliconia Winter_, you're on. All the SF magazines have rejected it. `Too literate'--_Omni_. `Too downbeat'-- _Analog_. `Too intelligent'--Asimov's. `Too long'-- _Interzone_. `Too amusing'--_Punch_. `Two fingers'--_Private Eye_. Enclosed is an instalment you might like to begin with, still in a rough state. Typically, it has no excitement in it, no spies, no dialogue, no sex; but it has cooking -- something lacking in previous sf Empire-builders." [BA] SCOOP! _HELLICONIA WINTER_ EXTRACT (p.25a of draft): "twisted up through the building. / She paused at one of the tiny kitchens, where an old grandmother worked with a young maidservant. The old woman gave her a greeting, then turned back to the business of making pastry savrilas. The lamplight gleamed on pale and honey-coloured forms, the simple shapes of bowls and jugs, plates, spoons and rollers, and on dumpy bags of flour. The pastry was being rolled wafer-thin, mottled old hands moving above its irregular shape. The maidservant leaned against a wall, looking on vacantly, upper teeth chewing pouting lower lip. Water in a skillet bubbled over a charcoal fire. / It could not be true that everyday life in Koriantura was threatened, as Odim said -- not while the grandmother's capable hands continued to turn out those perfect half-moon shapes, each with a dimpled straight edge and a twist of the pastry at one end. Those little pillows of pleasure spoke of a domestic contentment which could not be shattered. Odim worried too much. He always worried. Nothing would happen. / Besides, tonight Besi had someone other than Odim on her mind. There was a mysterious soldier in the house, and she had glimpsed him. // All the lower and less favoured rooms" _(c) Brian Aldiss 1984. Wait for next sense-shattering instalment, in which a glacier bursts through the kitchen wall and Odim says "I told you so..."_ FURTHER FICTION from ROB HOLDSTOCK: "RH's 110,000 word novel, extended from the story `Mythago Wood', has been won by Gollancz after a mighty battle with Rob's old publisher, Faber, lasting just two phone calls. Faber's first offer included a 3-figure sum, no detectable enthusiasm, and heavy hints about massive cutting. Gollancz offered lots more and threw in a big, friendly grin from Malcolm Edwards. In the States, Susan Allison of Berkeley Books is reported to be delighted with the manuscript, which she had commissioned a year earlier. The Gollancz edition is due in July, with a 4- colour cover, all of which will be subtle shades of yellow. A follow-up novel (not a sequel) _Lavondyss_ is in production. Other great recent works from the mighty-thewed pen include _Night Hunter 4: The Shrine_. The terrifying saga of Dan Brady's endless bloody quest to find his lost family in the foetid and haunted labyrinths of occult England, continues. Again, he totally fails to find them. it is very possible that Dan Brady is extremely inept. Book due in August... _Realms of Fantasy_, new Edwards/Holdstock epic, is out from Dragonsworld: lavish illustrations of 10 fantasy worlds including Earthsea and Urth. The first publicity was an interview for Manchester radio. Rob was totally flummoxed by almost every question the crazy DJ interviewer asked, but particularly by one about Mars: `There's a chapter on Mars in the book, and the pictures are very red. And, like, Mars itself is very red, isn't it. Do you have any opinions on that, Robert?' Listen carefully for the thud of someone's jaw impacting the table." [RH] L. RON HUBBARD FUNNIES: Although NEL backed out of the contract, for reasons, their boss Trevor d'Cruze has snaffled _Battlefield Earth_, to appear this year in both hardback and paperback from his own new imprint Quadrant Publishing. Meanwhile, famous Terry Carr has been nearly editing the 12- volume _BE_ sequel _Mission Earth_ ("clean pulp prose, crude in style but quite serviceable," he noted): he verbally agreed an $80,000 fee with Author Services Inc, the Hubbard marketing organization. Imagine Terry's surprise and delight when the contract did not arrive "within the week" as promised, nor at all: instead the grapevine reported that similar offers were also made to Algis Budrys, Dave Hartwell, and others; and finally a call came from ASI saying "I just want to set your mind at ease. We've decided to do the editing as an in-house project, so don't worry, we didn't hire another editor instead of you." Suddenly one remembers the original report that NEL dropped _Battlefield Earth_ because ASI were impossible to work with... RIP: "George Charters, Grand Old Man of Irish Fandom, died on Wednesday 18 January from a long standing heart complaint. The funeral, at Roselawn, Belfast, was attended by James and Peggy White (Walt and Madeleine Willis had to turn back on account of snow). George used to say that the proudest achievement of his career was to have stencilled _The Enchanted Duplicator_, but in fact he published many fine issues of his own fanzine _The Scarr_ and wrote several articles in other fanzines. All are suffused by the gentle warmth and quiet humour which made him such a nice person to know and so impossible to forget." [Walt Willis] Also recently deceased: Mary Renault (78) noted for fine historical novels edging into borderline fantasy (eg. _The King Must Die_); Leonard Wibberley (68) of the SF romps _The Mouse that Roared_, _The Mouse on the Moon_. INTERZONE has received a no-strings-attached #100 cheque from that patron of the arts Sir Clive Sinclair. "Now we'll be accused of allowing ourselves to be corrupted by rich capitalists," says ever-optimistic Dave Pringle, adding that issue 8 features an unpublished Dick story `Strange Memories of Death' and that _IZ_ stories by Scott Bradfield and Malcolm Edwards are being grabbed by Karl Edward Wagner for the next DAW _Best Horror Stories of the Year_ -- information which would fill the _Ansible_ editor with rage and envy were it not that his own short nasty from Ramsey Campbell's _The Gruesome Book_ will be in that same volume, ho ho. And... IAN WATSON: "Sold vol.2 of the trilogy (THE BLACK CURRENT TRILOGY), namely _The Book of the Stars_, to dear old Gollancz. Whoopee... `Slow Birds' bought by Gardner Dozois for his new Best of the Year roundup from Bluejay Books... Have just become the Sunday Times skiffy critic, gosh. Amazing and horrifying how my prestige has shot up with the chaps in the Red Lion, mothers, aunts, etc., compared with when I was merely an _author_ of books last week... Nene College, Northampton, phoned out of the blue and asked me to be Writer in Residence one day a week for the rest of the term for #1750; I said yes. Went out there yesterday: lovely campus, rose beds, Zen gardens, bars, coffee bars, nice laid-back attitude to life. Staff wearing velvet jackets: suddenly realized I was dressed in rags and should improve The Image... Back to Earth with a bump: Vicky Carne (Mosaic) phoned to ask for a final discussion of the game options in the program for `The Width of the World' before they go into production. As I don't have a computer on hand, still using a club and clay tablets for my work, I'll have to buzz down to London. `Could you make it the week after next?' asked Vicky. `Next week, Simon -- he's your programmer -- is doing his mock A-levels.' A Humble Moment... You'll have heard, I Newshound, that John Clute has been rendered hors de combat in St Barts with smashed femur, dislocated shoulder etc. after being swiped off his bike. Can it be coincidence that a hit-&-run driver nobbled George Hay mere months earlier? [IW] _Am glad to report that John Clute has escaped hospital, though it may be a little while before he can put the boot into SF with his customary vigour..._ ENCYCLOPEDIA OF FANTASY: Maxim Jakubowski is in the throes of preparing a detailed outline of this massive project ("pace Peter Nicholls", who had more or less abandoned his similar plans), covering fantasy, horror, and the supernatural, and running to some 600,000 words. Outline plus 20,000 words of sample stuff to be delivered to Allen & Unwin, after which "we shall then together pitch it to the Book Clubs and US publishers with a costly but professional printed dummy." Contributors include Greenland, Brosnan, Collins, Barron, Winter, Kaveney, Jones'n'Fletcher, Miller, Shippey, Grant, Langford and whatisname from Gollancz who's been mentioned too often this issue. Watch this space. Data from Maxim himself, who is also about to write the authorized biography of Philip K. Dick (reminding me of the PKD Society: 4+ newsletters a year, #3.50 surface/#7 airmail, cheques to V. Buckle, 47 Park Ave, Barking, Essex, IG11 8QU. Unpublished Dickiana promised). DOUGLAS ADAMS: Neil Gaiman reveals all! "Re. last _Ansible_, I noticed you had a bit on _So Long, and Thanks for All the Royalties_ -- the new DA book. To set the record straight, that isn't _necessarily_ the title. The `plot' concerns A. Dent's quest to find God's Final Message To His Creation (which apparently _will_ be featured on the last page, don't hold your breath), and so DA's agent wants him to call it _God's Final Message To His Creation_. DA prefers _So Long..._ but is currently thumbing through Hitchhiker #1 looking for a quote to title it with. (I suggested _Eighteenth Printing_, but...) He's not yet started writing it, still working on `DA SCREENPLAY' as he is. "Trivia: did you know that `the most gratuitous use of the word fuck in a serious screenplay' has been bowdlerized to `use of the word Belgium...' in the US edition? And the word `wop!' -- a multipurpose sound effect -- has become `whop!' to avoid offending any -- ahem! -- Italo-Americans that might read it. Both these in the pocket version of _Liff, the Royalties and Everything_. Oh yeah, and `You're an asshole, Dent,' has become `You're a complete kneebiter, Dent,' for what it's worth. I find the concept of kneebiting more offensive than the concept of assholes, but maybe that's because I'm not American. Remember where you heard it first--" [NG] NEBULA AWARDS PRELIMINARY BALLOT: This document contains hordes of things from 1983, to be voted down to a shortlist of 5/6 per category by the SFWA membership. Top novels are _Citadel of the Autarch_ and _Against Infinity_ with 17 and 10 nominations. Life is too short to list the lot, but here are some items of UK interest: _Crucible of Time_ (Brunner, =12th novel, 4 votes); _Helliconia Summer_ (Aldiss, =19th novel, 3 votes); `Slow Birds' (Watson, 3rd novelette, 12 votes); `The Black Current' (Watson, =15th novelette, 3 votes) and `Brothers' (Cowper, =12th short, 3 votes). Rankings mean little as some stories have been picking up votes throughout 1983, while others appeared late that year. Final ballot soon. RIP AGAIN: "Eric Needham died suddenly on Dec 1. I received word from his widow Kathleen. Eric was best known for offbeat writings in Harry Turner's fanzine and in particular was the originator of the `Widowers Wonderful' verses. He was active in early Manchester fandom and had a truly original brand of humour, much appreciated by his friends." [Ethel Lindsay] "Slim Pickens who rode an H-bomb into the credits and Vera Lynn song of _Dr Strangelove_ is dead." [R. I. Barycz] The mention of Eric Needham reminds me that at Novacon, Eric Bentcliffe asked for a further plug for WHEN YNGVI WAS A LOUSE, the 1950s fanthology, containing Needham material and verses. Send a couple of quid to EB at 17 Riverside Crescent, Holmes Chapel, Cheshire, CW4 7NR... [Ed.] BARYCZ MEDIA HORROR RISES FROM GRAVE: "Have you got big tits? Can you swing a broadsword? Can you wear Calvin Klein chainmail knickers? Redheaded? Then Dino de Laurentis wants to hear from _you_, as he's going to produce that figment of R. E. Howard's misogyny _Red Sonja: She Devil with a Sword_. Call Navarro-Bertoni Casting in California, on 212-765-4250, _now_. Any shortcomings in the above requirements can no doubt be made good with the help of ILM and the finest plastic surgeon Dino can find off Hollywood and Vine. Fascinating to see what sort of compromise he makes between the need for Sonja to have big ones and yet at the same time swing a sword about without distraction... Kier Dullea is set to make a return in _2010_, also Douglas Rain who did HAL's voice... Piers Haggard who directed the TV version of _Pennies from Heaven_ hopes to make _The Stainless Steel Rat_. Script by Harry Harrison. Whatever happened to Limelight Productions ol' Harry was so enthusiastic about a few years ago?... Glen A. Larson does it again. To wit: ripped off _Tron_ and any number of shows you care to think of with _Automan_, holographic image created by a police computer expert to fight crime in a blue halo, aided by his trusty sidekick Robin^H^H^H^H^H a little sparkling light called Cursor... _2010_ begins photography at MGM on 6 Feb: $25M budget and nine months preproduction already done... 20th C Fox announce their ritual SF project for this year, _Enemy Mine_ based on ditto by Barry Bongyear..." [RIB] MISC BITS PAULINE MORGAN was bitterly disappointed, last issue, by her low placing in the Concrete Overcoat Fan Fund results: "I am surprised I received so few votes in the COFF award competition. I had been told several months ago that it was being arranged for me to win it. Perhaps the money ran out or the unpopularity of the winner (Simon Polley) was grossly underestimated? [PM] LOVE'S YOUNG DREAM: Mr. Polley himself ascribes his popularity in 1983 to... but let him tell it in his own words. "ANSWER TO MY VILE RECORD LAST YEAR NOW REVEALED TO BE PARTLY DUE TO SUNDRY AMOROUS INTENTIONS WHICH HAVE LED TO A DEFINITE MARRIAGE DATE NEXT AUTUMN SHOCK HORROR STOP INTENDED IS TYPIST AND BON VIVEUR DEBBI KERR STOP" There's been a lot of this ever since Joseph and Judith demonstrated that fannish marriage was still ideologically OK: Steve Green and Ann Thomas succumbed on December 17 and Eunice Pearson and Phill Probert on December 21. Only my inability to master Telemessages prevented the luckless couples being bombarded with tasteful extracts from Swinburne (_Time turns the old days to derision/Our loves into corpses or wives/And marriage and death and division/Make barren our lives_)... WEST GETS CONTROVERSIAL: "Great is the name of Langford -- your plugs have been bringing in the orders (for FANZINES IN THEORY & PRACTICE -- flyer last issue) to the extent that I'm now just short of the satisfying round number of 50. Considering that I've never heard of many of the people who have sent money this is indeed good news. R. Bergeron has coughed up; so has Ted White. By a remarkable coincidence in the very same post as T. White's $10 bill came one from Martian Moose Worster: "Anyone who Ted White thinks is an asshole is O.K. with me" declared Martin Moose, and demanded that his own copy be `suitably inscribed'. (I'm still thinking about it. Maybe you could run it as a competition in _Matrix_.) Only other US order has come from one Dave Rike, who informs me that certain elements of California fandom are eager to take that high US price out of my hide. I have duly informed him that he should tell these querulous persons either to buy their own copies or go fuck themselves. (Another satisfied voter.) "News around here is fairly negative. Due to one of Graham James's periodic attacks of Dynamic Leadership the Leeds group have moved back to the West Riding for meetings, but since it doesn't seem too well heated (and the back room we used to be in has closed) we'll quite likely be back at the Adelphi before long. Simon Ounsley has done a disappearing act, not having been seen or heard from in the last month. Simon Polley has done an appearing act, having started coming to the pub again. But still with no copies of _Matrix_, so sod the BSFA. Ursula LeGuin will not be GoH at Leeds in 85 -- next prospect in line is Greg Benford. (I did put in a word for Brian Stableford -- `cheap'.) "Just written Greg a letter announcing my withdrawal from FRANK'S APA. I was about halfway through doing this thing called _Fuck-All Point_ (since people are always saying that what fandom needs is a Fuck-All Point fanzine) when the contradictions just got too much for me. Everything I said about FEAPA still applies, and there's no real Special Case plea either. Apas are not Ideologically Sound. "A thing to ponder here: I strongly suspect that it was apa block voting that gave Margaret Welbank the Best Artist Nova Award, and I also suspect that this is likely to happen again and/or cause trouble. Welbank may have deserved to win on talent, but as far as I know she's done practically nothing that's been seen outside the Women's apa. And for a supposedly open award to be given for work which many voters are specifically excluded from seeing makes the whole thing ridiculous. So what's going to happen with the _Ansible_ Poll? Unless you exclude apa contributions there's going to be a real outbreak of paranoia -- accusations of fixing by cliques and elites and so on. Only this time there'll be some justification." [D. West. _Back to this next issue, no doubt. Mind how you go, everyone..._ 1 Feb 1983] COA [change-of-address section omitted] INFINITELY IMPROBABLE OMNI UK is no more, not even the token editorial office consisting of a broom cupboard in Bramber Road containing Andie Burland/Oppenheimer. The erstwhile Penthouse/Omni building has been flogged... SF IN SOUTHEND: the usual searing controversy resulted from the Joe Beedell (?) letter last issue. Alex Stewart announces that all persons maligned in said letter are in fact nice, especially heroic Susan Francis; also that he's baffled by being advised "to don thermal underwear before attending any Star Trek conventions." Joe himself sends a more than usually cryptic note implying that last issue's letter was not (despite its fairly accurate rendition of his literary style) written by him: "i hope that what happened to me will never happen again as THEY made a Big mistake to be JUDGE JURY & EXECUTIONER don't let this happen again to any body else or there will be a traggedy tell people to get thier Fact's straight next time." [JB or is it?] SIMON GOSDEN offers a local news clipping about the `Orion Club' now reportedly meeting chez Beedell to watch films (videos?)... THE SUN, favourite newspaper of informant Leroy Kettle, urgently asks IS YOUR NEIGHBOUR FROM OUTER SPACE? and gives hints (from such notorious loonies as Brad Steiger) on how to spot extraterrestrial infiltrators. "They sleep and work unusual hours... develop strange physical reactions near certain high-tech machines... show anxiety when using Earth transportation... constantly gather information... misuse common everyday objects... have homes will ill-matching decor... have an unusual object in the home which is highly regarded and protected..." I swear I'm not making this up. Finally the Sun invites readers to report "space aliens" spotted in their locality, to ALIEN, The Sun, 30 Bouverie St, London, EC4Y 8DE. Leroy reckons a few write-ins for D. West would seem to be in order... SFWA SMITES POCKET BOOKS WITH THUNDERBOLT! Well, not quite: but despite exchanges in A36, SFWA President Marta Randall and I are pals really, and she did investigate the curious business of Pocket Books' failure to pay me my trifling advance despite having had _Space Eater_ in print for most of 1983, and coincidentally (or was it?) Arrow announced that the cheque had got as far as their New York agents as was en route to London. This has been a public service announcement requested by local SFWA rep Ian Watson... TAKE THAT, LANGFORD! Seems nobody is suing me after all (see _A36_), not even SFWA as wrongly rumoured in the USA. Andy Porter appears to regret this, and in the latest _SF Chronicle_ berates me no end for failing to check everything before publication. Gee, Andy, and I was so tactfully silent about your (doubtless carefully checked) SFC contribution which reported the dismally inept and universally criticized BMC SF promotion as (and I quote) "an unqualified success"... CENSORSHIP HORROR: do you subscribe to Roger Weddall's Aussie newszine _Thyme_, and have you been wondering about the long gap between issues? We hear the UK agent, a notorious bon- vivant, GUFF administrator and _Paperback Inferno_ editor, has suppressed the British mailing of the latest issue owing to Roger's alleged failure to accept the GUFF results with adequate good grace therein... FERMAT'S LAST THEOREM has been solved, according to the _Grauniad_, by eccentric cyberneticist and George Hay protege Arnold Arnold (sic). The self-confessed mathematical intelligentsia of fandom (Phil Palmer) opine that either the _Guardina_ has left out important bits of proof or -- as wickedly asserted by _New Scientist_ -- this has to be a con. I myself have developed a magnificent proof which this _Ansible_ is too small to contain, marginally... JOHN SLADEK, who is supposed to be many thousand miles away, was sighted over here escaping the -25-degree Minneapolis Xmas. "London a haven of tropical warmth, he states" [MJE]... CONSTELLATION, not content with being fandom's all-time financial disaster, has found a lot more bills under the bed etc. and cheerily announces that the deficit has swelled to $44,000. "The people who lost it aren't even apologetic," complains Joyce Scrivner. "I was told they bought 19,000 plastic registration envelopes to get a good price break." So among their assets are, presumably, more than 12,500 plastic envelopes -- also a good few thousand felt-tip pens accidentally acquired after an attempt to order a few hundred [SFC]... ISAAC ASIMOV underwent triple heart- bypass surgery in December and is convalescing: we leave you to guess which Gollancz editor drew parallels with Heinlein's "brain-bypass surgery" and suggested Arthur C. Clarke should look out... SEACON 84 has signed up further famous persons: Forrest J. Ackerman, Fred Pohl, Marion Zimmer Bradley, Joe Haldeman. A publicity flyer from hyperefficient Chris Hughes adds the name Gene Wolfe, which has somewhat nonplussed Gene Wolfe... GAMES CENTRE KAPUT: the 9-shop empire went into liquidation on 31 Dec, a variety of reasons being suggested. GC plead economic recession and loss of trade thanks to London bomb scares; everyone else mutters "total ineptitude". Reportedly GC cocked-up their supply & demand thanks to a misprogrammed stock-control computer (an accountant -- D. G. Langford FCA -- comments that it's not unusual for a small business to program stock-ordering giving priority to what's on the shelves rather than what's popular and has therefore been sold). All employees of Games Workshop are of course in deep mourning for the passing of their rivals, however bravely they try to hide their grief with hysterical giggles... D. WEST, with unaccustomed public spirit, asks "how come the Albacon committee [_who admittedly made a fairish profit_] can't afford more than a lousy #10 donation to TAFF? Does this have anything to do with the reported failure of TAFF person Avedon Carol to lick the arse of certain committee members with sufficient enthusiasm? I think we should be told." Surely D. must be totally misinformed here... SWEDEN: "An official Star Wars Fan Club has been formed and this club dislikes the fan-operated nonprofit SW club `Tattooine'. One can suppose the existence of an idealistic SW club makes it harder for SWFC to sell stuff to the innocent young addicts and earn itself a fortune. They threaten to sue if Tattooine continues to use commercially protected words like `Star Wars', `Tattooine', etc. Tattooine's answer is to change name, to `The Rebel Alliance' (Rebelalliansen) and continue as before... Kaj Harju and Jan-Olov Segerstrom claim to have founded a _Christopher Priest Society_... SEFF has collected about #200. This means the SEFF trip to Seacon 84 is secure. Donations are still welcome and will go to the next SEFF trip, probably aimed for the planned Swecon 85 in Stockholm." [Ahrvid Engholm]... 1984 -- THE VIEW FROM TWO SHORES -- UK/US conference(s), UK bit, 2-5 July, costs a mere #75+VAT; ask Colin Mably, SF Foundation, 01-599-3100/01-590-7722x2110. ============================================================= HAZEL'S LANGUAGE LESSONS #28: TIBETAN. Yugs-sa-moi dor-rta des yza srun, rma-la pan Wdn: the middle part of a widow's drawers prevents epilepsy and heals wounds. (Tibetan-English Dictionary, H.A. Jaschke, 1881) ANSIBLE 37: 94 London Road, Reading, Berkshire, RG1 5AU, United Kingdom. ANSIBLE 38, Easter 1984: PLEASE NOTE that this old ANSIBLE is a bit of history. Addresses may have changed (though the editor's postal address hasn't), prices and agents' credits are invalid, etc. This issue was produced in my BWP or Before-Word-Processors era and lovingly rekeyed for the archives by TONY SMITH ... to whom many thanks! Dave Langford, ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk, 1994. ============================================================= ANSIBLE 38 ISSN 0265-9816 This special Late Issue of ANSIBLE, delayed by the shock of its first Hugo nomination plus a disparaging mention in NEW SCIENTIST, comes as usual from DAVE LANGFORD, 94 LONDON ROAD, READING, BERKSHIRE, RG1 5AU, UK. Subscriptions: a trifling #2 for six issues, airmailed outside the UK. Cheques/sterling money orders to ANSIBLE; Giro transfer to a/c 24 475 4403; Americans may rush $3.50 to Burns, 23 Kensington Ct, Hempstead, NY 11550, while continental Eurofans who find it convenient may thrust an equivalent #2 into the prehensile hands of R. Goudriaan, Postbus 1189, 8200 BD Lelystad, Netherlands. YOU WILL SUPPORT the Britain-in-1987 Worldcon bid, and how better than by adding a quid's presupporting membership to ANSIBLE subs sent direct to me? An enclosed flyer should reveal all concerning outside-UK agents for this bid; another should allow you one last desperate chance (if you get this by 30 April) to save the world for truth, justice, Welshfandom and baked beans by voting ROB HANSEN FOR TAFF. Enigmatic cartoon this issue by ALEXIS GILLILAND, mailing labels by KEITH FREEMAN and his AMAZING AMDAHL. For those not versed in computers, the esoteric machine-code instruction on your label translates thus: LASTISH XX, send money by issue XX; SUB DUE, send money now; *****, send money sooner than now; TRADE, keep sending whatever appalling thing you send. Mailing list: 381 copies. Collation last issue: Chris Huge, Arnold `Woe, Gloom and Misery' Akien. This issue officially dated Easter 1984 or so... =============================================================- APRIL FOOL! You read it in these pages, that 1984 is REALLY the year of G.K. Chesterton's NAPOLEON OF NOTTING HILL... and duly there's a version of NAPOLEON playing at the Old Vic until Easter (repeat: September). Somehow I hadn't imagined one of my favourite novels being played as a musical, by 12-18 year olds, with a sex-change for the chief male character. You will hear more of this. AWARDS: Having contrived to start with something -- anything -- other than the Hugo nominations, I now give you... NOVEL _MILLENNIUM_ (John Varley), _MORON: DRAGONLADY OF PERN_ (Anne McCaffrey), _THE ROBOTS OF DAWN_ (Isaac Asimov), _STARTIDE RISING_ (David Brin), _TEA WITH THE BLACK DRAGON_ (R.A. MacAvoy). *** NOVELLA `Cascade Point' (Timothy Zahn), `Hardfought' (Greg Bear), `Hurricane Claude' (Hilbert Schenck), `In the Face of My Enemy' (Joseph Delaney), `Seeking' (David Palmer). *** NOVELETTE `Black Air' (Kim Stanley Robinson), `Blood Music' (Greg Bear), `The Monkey Treatment' (George RR Martin), `The Sidon in the Mirror' (Connie Willis), `Slow Birds' (Ian Watson). *** SHORT `The Geometry of Narrative' (Hilbert Schenck), `The Peacemaker' (Gardner Dozois), `Servant of the People' (Frederick Pohl), `Speech Sounds' (Octavia Butler), `Wong's Lost & Found Emporium' (William Wu). *** NONFICTION _DREAM MAKERS II_ (Charles Platt), _ENCYCLOPAEDIA OF SF AND FANTASY VOL III_ (Donald Tuck), _THE FANTASTIC ART OF ROWENA_ (Rowena Morrill), _THE HIGH KINGS_ (Joy Chant), _STAYING ALIVE: A MAVEN'S GUIDE_ (Norman Spinrad). *** DRAMATIC Brainstorm, Return of the Jedi, The Right Stuff, Something Wicked This Way Comes, WarGames. *** PRO EDITOR Terry Carr, Edward L. Ferman, David G Hartwell, Shawna McCarthy, Stanley Schmidt. *** PRO ARTIST Val Lakey Lindahn, Don Maitz, Rowena Morrill, Barclay Shaw, Michael Whelan. *** SEMIPROZINE _Fantasy Newsletter/Review_, _Locus_, _SF Chronicle_, _SF Review_, _Whispers_. *** FANZINE _Ansible_, _File 770_, _Holier Than Thou_, _Izzard_, _The Filk Fee-Nom-Ee-Non_ (wot?). *** FANWRITER Richard E.Geis, Mike Glyer, Arthur Hlavaty, Dave Langford, Teresa Nielsen Hayden. *** BEST FANARTIST Brad Foster, Alexis Gilliland, Joan Hanke- Woods, William Rotsler, Stu Shiffman. Note that the `fanzine Hugo reform' has been implemented and that trash like ANSIBLE only gets in because SFR & Co. are booted upstairs to the new `Semiprozine' category. Note how this leaves poor old Dick Geis in the very silly position of being a shortlisted fanwriter whose writing all appears in a semipro- rather than a fanzine. Hugo information came in patches: two items by phone from LA-Con chair Craig Miller (guess which ones), one from Ian Watson (guess which) and the rest from FILE 770 as usual... JOHN W CAMPBELL AWARD for best nearly new writer: Joseph H.Delaney, Lisa Goldstein, R.A.MacAvoy, Warren Norwood, Joel Rosenberg, Sheri Tepper. PHILIP K.DICK AWARD for best original paperback went to Tim Powers for _THE ANUBIS GATES_ (he got $1000), with R.A.MacAvoy's _TEA WITH THE BLACK DRAGON_ as $500 runner-up (info: Jerry Kaufman). Phil Palmer supplies helpful background on UK bidding for _THE ANUBIS GATES_: "My entertainment these days comes from lying somewhere between Roz Kaveney and Malcolm Edwards (how awful!). At the Tun Roz told me that she and Malcolm had been playing `handball'. She left early and Big M arrived late. `Oh is that what she calls it,' he said a little heatedly. `I call it snatching a book I recommended in a personal capacity, for enjoyment...' Now Roz is furious. `It is a matter of record that I was a Tim Powers fan before...' well, of such primaeval antehistory as to make the minds of men reel with the titanic vista of such ancientness. And this is only the first book of Roz's list! What other sensitive relationships are to be torn asunder? Roz is much consoled by the answer this makes to the criticism that her list [Chatto & Windus] would be of books that no one else would buy." [PP] BSFA AWARDS: the usual shortlist, from the usual administrator Joseph Nicholas, who at Seacon 84 will count the ballots in the usual way. NOVEL _HELLICONIA SUMMER_ (Brian Aldiss), _CAT KARINA_ (Michael Coney), _GOLDEN WITCHBREED_ (Mary Gentle), _TIK-TOK_ (John Sladek), _CITADEL OF THE AUTARCH_ (Gene Wolfe). *** SHORT `The Flash! Kid' (Scott Bradfield), `The Tithonian Factor' (Richard Cowper), `Novelty' (John Crowley), `After-Images' (Malcolm Edwards), `Calling All Gumdrops' (John Sladek). *** MEDIA Android, The Day After, United States Parts I-IV (stage), Perfect Shadows (BBC-TV), WarGames. *** COVER ARTIST Peter Jones, Ian Miller, Bruce Pennington, Tim White. No other artist got more than one vote: hence a shortlist of only four. John Sladek originally had two nominated novels but withdrew one; we're not allowed to tell you which, so here's a letter on A37 from Richard Cowper: "Did you make up that extract of Helliconia (extract of malt)? It sounds too like a parody to be true -- so I guess it IS true. [Yes -- DRL] Still, I suppose it's appropriate that it concerns itself with dough..." And following his Hugo gloat, Ian Watson gracefully remarks "Of course I'm chagrined not to be a nominee in the more cut-throat annual award for the best story from any two issues of INTERNOZE." Indeed all 5 BSFA- nominated stories ARE from IZ, but can this be because F&SF (where Ian's `Slow Birds' appeared) lacked the elementary sense to offer cheap subscriptions to the BSFA voting pool, and to distribute the magazine with BSFA mailings? A bit more Watson before the Nebulas: "Amazing news about Moreton Pinkney: Alexei Sayle, star of the club circuits, the hit parade, and ex-member of the CP (Marxist-Leninist) has just bought a house here, next door to the spinster ex-schoolmarm secretary of the Tory Party. I'm going to ask him to open the village fete, perhaps by shooting a dead cod through the head." (IW) NEBULA AWARD NOMINATIONS: argh! NOVEL _AGAINST INFINITY_ (Greg Benford), _STARTIDE RISING_ (David Brin), _TEA WITH THE BLACK DRAGON_ (R.A.MacAvoy), _THE VOID CAPTAIN'S TALE_ (Norman Spinrad), _LYONESSE_ (Jack Vance), _CITADEL OF THE AUTARCH_ (Gene Wolfe). *** NOVELLA `Hardfought' (Greg Bear), `Gospel According to Gamaliel Crucis' (Michael Bishop), `Her Habiline Husband' (Michael Bishop), `Eszterhazy and the Autogondola- Invention' (Avram Davidson), `Homefaring' (Robert Silverberg). *** NOVELETTE `Blood Music' (Greg Bear), `Blind Shemmy' (Jack Dann), `The Monkey Treatment' (George RR Martin), `Black Air' (Kim Stanley Robinson), `Cicada Queen' (Bruce Sterling), `Slow Birds' (Ian Watson), `Sidon in the Mirror' (Connie Willis). *** SHORT `The Peacemaker' (Gardner Dozois), `Her Furry Face' (Leigh Kennedy), `Cryptic' (Jack McDivitt), `Ghost Town' (Chad Oliver), `Geometry of Narrative' (Hilbert Schenck), `Wong's Lost & Found Emporium' (William F.Wu). Things to note. (1) Either there's been a statistically implausible number of ties or the committees which are allowed to add an item in each category `at their discretion' have been working overtime. (2) Exactly 55% of the fiction shortlisted by the naff, downmarket, populist Hugo poll appears also in the refined, artistic, writers'-choice Nebula list. (3) One of the non-Hugo-listed novelettes, Dann's, had been sent to all SFWA members by Ellen Datlow of OMNI, with the usual plea for Nebula votes -- another successful hype! BURN THIS! Possibly one or two fans in the central Sahara have still not heard of the May test case at the Old Bailey, in which a megalomaniac Dept of Public Prosecutions is trying to set legal precedents whereby, for example, David Pringle can be done under the Obscene Publications Act for depraving and corrupting people by recommending William Burroughs. No joke: WB's JUNKIE is among many `drug-related' books seized by our wonderful police, along with Thompson's FEAR AND LOATHING IN LAS VEGAS, Wolfe's ELECTRIC KOOL-AID ACID TEST and A. Huxley's DOORS OF PERCEPTION. The argument going the rounds in fandom is that if reinterpretation of the O.P.Act's words `to deprave and corrupt' allows this lot to be impounded and possibly burnt, then what about Dick's druggier books, or a million SF tomes depicting legal pot come 1999, or even Doc Smith's Lensman batch with their loving descriptions of `Thionite'-sniffing? H'm. The real point for me is that most of the seized books mentioned are openly on sale in my local W.H.Smith. It's a political prosecution, with the OPA not merely perverted but selectively perverted to attack radical bookshops (like Acorn, my local Reading one). Annoy the government and you can be wiped out by having your stock grabbed and held until the OPA trial: no compensation even if you win. Over to our man of the issue, G.K.Chesterton: "It is most intolerable of all to play the tyrant while appealing only to temporary fiction. Nobody can be expected to stand the inquisitor who says, `I am burning you alive for what you said today, and what I shall probably think tomorrow.'" (1930) Now, friends, you can have your books burnt for saying things which were perfectly all right yesterday, and are perfectly all right today provided you're W.H.Smith or similar. Anyone worried can send a few quid to the defence fund in that test case (Knockabout Comics & Airlift Books vs Maggie's Censors): `Right to Read', 249 Kensal Road, London, W.10; 01-969-2945. MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE RANCH: further publishing horrors. Chris Priest gloats over having had 8 publishers bidding frantically for his new novel THE GLAMOUR, finally bagged by Cape for an advance so huge that Chris hastily bought a new car to avoid bursting his bank account. Doubleday bought US rights; the classiest runner-up bid (UK) was said to be on the lines of "We can't afford any more, Chris... but how would you like to see all your other books back in print in nice yellow jackets...?" A.Nonymous writes: "News on the PANTYHOSE/OMNI thing: PENTHOUSE has been sold to Northern & Shell, an advertising agency of (as I understand it) dubious reputation. They've bought the UK PENTHOUSE franchise, including rights to the OMNI name & mag as well. HOWEVER, the boss of N&S HATES SF with a vengeance dire and even tried to make the last editor drop my Silverbob piece. (I rather liked it, but wish they'd printed what I'd written. At least I spelt Jakubowski right.) So he doesn't want to do anything with OMNI except use it as a showcase for ads. Therefore it's going to be coming out in UK format, unchanged except for UK ads, sometime in the foreseeable future. Isn't that nice to know?" Bernard Leak, our foremost Stephen Donaldson fan, has some old news: "It has transpired that Collins (disguising themselves as Fontana in the hope that God won't know whom to destroy) have published THE MAN WHO KILLED HIS BROTHER (as by `Reed Stephens'). I first knew of its British appearance when it found its way into remainder bookshops... It displays all the characteristic Donaldson vices, lurking behind a completely different surface texture of genre cliches -- this time it's a detective thriller. I showed Nick `Donaldson flays the English language alive and empurples his prose with its blood' Lowe how to lay his hands on a copy, and he sallied forth. Next thing he knew, Tibs was reading it, and punctuated the brooding silence with delighted yelps like `It's good, isn't it?' Er, well, Tibs IS a bit strange..." (BL) Interested in a private eye called (with typical SRD felicity) Mick Axbrewder -- not leprous but alcoholic? Try offering a quid for ANSIBLE's copy of TMWKHB. ARRIVALS/DEPARTURES: Kevin & Diana Smith, realizing that the only way for Big Kev to escape the BSFA company secretary post is to provide a replacement, have arranged to found a dynasty later this year... Mal & Hazel Ashworth, as a preliminary to Mal's December '83 retirement, finally contrived to get married -- "at the Registry Office one morning last October (I think it was)," reports Mal, doubtless overtired from the honeymoon... John Newton Chance died recently: the author of 150-odd books including the 20+ `John Lymington' SF potboilers (FROOMB!), he made a steady income by delivering thrillers to Robert Hale at a chapter a week -- 4 chapters of the latest remain mouldering in the Hale office... Maxim Jakubowski has resigned as managing director of his very own Zomba Books empire... J.S.Cairns, Sunderland fringefan and amateur publisher, died in November 1983 while partway through a Dorothy Davies manuscript (reports a perturbed Dorothy) -- the first ANSIBLE subscriber to die, alas... Harry (Andy) Andruschak writes from an alcoholism unit: "underwent detoxification and today am cold sober for the 1st time in 14 years. But I do have the shakes, and will for a while"... Charles Barren `semi-retired' as SF Foundation maestro, in February... AD ASTRA magazine, which you all thought/hoped had sunk into a peaceful grave in 1981, is still appearing -- according to the 1984 WRITERS' AND ARTISTS' YEARBOOK, which denies the existence of anything called INTERZONE... Jerry Pournelle, Jim Baen & John F.Carr invite me to contribute to their new skiffy mag which will try to emulate the past glories of (wait for it) DESTINIES. Rush MSS to FAR FRONTIERS, J.E.P. & Associates, 3960 Laurel Canyon Blvd, Suite 372, Studio City, CA 91604... And George Hay's pterodactyls, long thought extinct, have re-emerged onto his letterhead. SEACON '84, EASTERCON/EUROCON: hasn't happened as I type, but this doesn't preclude a pre-con report. Best committee coup: the cheapo rail fares (#3.55 return to Brighton from anywhere in Southern Region, #5.50 from anywhere else), leading to a flood of enquiries from other cons to the hitherto obscure Theatre & Concert Rail Club -- through whom diplomatic A.Akien arranged the deal by swearing most solemnly that OF COURSE the con would be chiefly concerned with the Performing Arts. Most exciting panic: the news about two weeks before the con that the chosen insurance company was refusing to cover the event, and `no insurance no convention'. (Substitute believed to have been arranged.) Best in-committee feud: Katie & Martin Hoare vs Alan Dorey. Newest GoH outrage (apart from the lack of information about any of them in any progress report): Wiktor Bukato going on in SHARDS OF BABEL about GoH Pierre Barbet (Claude Avice) not having received some Polish medal claimed in PB's own literary biography -- Marjorie Brunner phoned at length to explain Bukato is all wet, Barbet is an honourable man, the problematical medal will be on view at Seacon, etc etc. Best how-to-get-there map: the one redrawn at the last second for PR4, the Doreyographical original having reportedly omitted vital sidestreets and left the Western Road precinct as the only car route to the hotel. Most alarming overheard comment, from a jetlagged M.Hoare back from a Chicago visit just one week before Seacon: "Oh shit, I forgot to cancel the disco." Best Omission: all World SF members (plus selected others: see PR4) are invited to the Mayor's Reception on Thursday, but both PR4 and the WSF flyer neglect to mention that according to the highest authorities on etiquette (K.Hoare) those daring to present themselves without lounge suit or equivalent will be rebuffed at the door... Best Promise: at one stage Author Services Inc offered to provide Kate Bush (by way of BATTLEFIELD EARTH promotion) but instead are laying on giant inflatable aliens. Having read BE at last and found it unspeakably awful, I was tempted to provide free pins with this issue... Funnybone Award for Most `Humerous' Typo in PR4: winner's name and address withheld by request. Rumoured estimate of number of walk-ins at #12 needed for Seacon to break even: approx 500. Surprise Award Category: the Doc Weir Award reappeared in PR4 when everyone thought it dead, this because a BSFA chairman who shall be nameless had the trophy valued, found it to be solid silver and worth #1000, and understandably decided it had BETTER be presented to get the responsibility off his hands. After last-minute shouting it's likely that the DWA vote will follow the Eurocon Awards pattern: everyone votes, after which a select jury gives the award to whoever you should have voted for. ("So what's new?" mutter past students of the DWA.) Surprise Non- Award: the planned short story competition -- to be judged by C.Priest -- was quietly dropped after the discovery that merely because no rules were ever published, there were no entries... An abridged version of Hawkwind, whom I believe to be itinerant players of chamber music, should be making the night air hideous on Sunday, so don't expect to find me there that evening... ============================================================= THE VERY BORING ANSIBLE CONVENTION SUPPLEMENT Already past: Picocon at Imperial College, London, Feb 18 (which broke new ground in GoH conscription by announcing putative guests and later giving them a nice surprise by telling them they were guests) and a TSR "Gamesfair" at Reading U, 6-8 April (during my fleeting visit I was amazed to discover that people REALLY DO sit playing D&D etc all day, that the bar closed throughout the afternoon and that it was regarded as a coup to have secured an evening bar extension to 11.30pm. Fast footwork helped me avoid Stephen Donaldson fans, G.Gygax, and the BBC wallies who wanted to be told where all the devil-worship and human sacrifice was happening). At the SF Lunch Club, Charles Platt (on a UK promotional tour, pushing MICROMANIA) was mutedly, hideously outspoken about the food and the company: unluckily, or luckily, he was unable to stay and make his speech. As he left to be interviewed for the umpteenth time that week, he charged Malcolm Edwards to repeat the Words of Platt: "This event is stifled by geriatrics! I shall not return!" Speechifying time came round, and Malcolm's free rendition went: "Charles asks me to say, I love all you sons of bitches..." This is known as Editorial Skill. Onward... UFPCON 84 (4-7 May, Midland Hotel, Manchester) is the 17th "official" UK Trek thingy: #15 att. 135 Greensted Road, Loughton, Essex. BSFA MEETING (18 May, King of Diamonds, Greville Street, London): these happen 3rd Friday each month. May's should be fun -- a repeat of the amazing Nick Lowe `So You Fancy Yourself As A Writer' event from Fencon. On 15 June, John Clute explains how to define good sf in 15,000 terse, obscure polysyllables; on 20 July, Big Rob Holdstock reveals the severe health hazard of not buying his new novel MYTHAGO WOOD. TYNECON II: THE MEXICON (25-8 May, Royal Station Hotel, Newcastle): #13.25/person single/dbl/twin, #15.50 sngl+bath. Tynecon has provoked astonishingly silly comments from fans who -- while accepting cons devoted to a single media interest as Perfectly Normal -- regard the Mexicon concentration on "written sf in its widest sense" as monstrous, elitist, and very, very evil. Really! The committee is gloating over having signed up Russell Hoban and Alasdair Gray; with my review copy of Gray's 1982, JANINE (Cape) came this fascinating letter -- "Although not strictly science fictional JANINE certainly has fantastic elements, on the strength of which [Gray] has been invited to read at Tynecon II, the Science Fiction Convention..." First time I've ever known a publisher play up rather than try to deny the sf aspects of a borderline book. VIEW FROM TWO SHORES (2-5 July, NE London Poly): subtitled `1984: Now or Never?' Guest speaker: A.C.Clarke. Membership: #75.00 plus 15% VAT. Accommodation: more or less up to you. Bar: nothing about one in the flyer. Incipient academics should rush their cash to Colin Mably, SEH Short Course Unit, NE London Poly, Longbridge Road, Dagenham, Essex, RM8 2AS. A conference, not a convention. ALBACON 84 (Central Hotel, Glasgow, 20-23 July): #4 supp #9 att. GoH Harlan Ellison. 62 Campsie Road, Wishaw, ML2 7QG. Still beset by the deadly Shavian rival: FAIRCON 84 (Ingram Hotel, Glasgow, 20-23 July): #6 supp #9 att. GoH Sidney Jordan plus the 2000 AD mob (said to have signed up as Albacon 84 attending members so they can Meet Harlan). 18 Greenwood Road, Clarkston, Glasgow, G76 7AQ. Forgot to mention Mat Irvine, another GoH, and the fake Bob Shaw, who as organizer will be very hurt if not vilified as usual in these pages. Vilify, vilify. LEISURE HIVE (it says here)(4-5 August, somewhere in Swindon): a Dr Who thingy. Data: 2 Domestic Qtrs, Bryanston School, Blandford, Dorset. That's all I know. SPACE-EX 84 (6-11 Aug, Wembley Centre, or so it's said): we last met this no doubt sincere and wonderful, but extremely inept, outfit in A35 (Oct 83), when bossman Mike Parry explained that publicity (you know, what you do to get new members) would be confined to existing members until 1 January 1984, when a massive campaign would be unleashed on the world. It is April and my Seacon spies -- hi there, Rochelle! -- report the first sign of life in the form of a `really juvenile' ad in the programme book, with a new contact address (24-25 Foley Street, London, W.1) and a curious lack of data such as registration fees. Paul Vincent, who long ago joined Space-Ex, complains of having received little but dross for his money, going on in great and fascinating detail in a letter which I've lost. (Ooops.) Whither Space-Ex? FANDERSON 84 (17-19 Aug, Bloomsbury Centre Hotel, London): GoHs Gerry Anderson, Christopher Burr; #15 att; PO Box 308, London, W4 1QL. Con devoted to the productions of... no, let me leave you with the tormenting enigma of just whom. OXCON (24-27 Aug, St Catherine's Coll, Oxford) -- aka Unicon 5. GoH Brian Aldiss. #4.50 supp #8 att to 18 Norham Gardens, Oxford. Single rooms (only) #14 inc VAT and breakfast. Elitist convention devoted to `Helliconia' cult fandom. SILICON 8 (24-27 Aug, Grosvenor Hotel, Newcastle): elitist event devoted to not talking about sf. #4 att to same address as Tynecon II; hotel rooms from #7.50 (communal attic dormitory) to #26.00 (vast family room with gold- plated taps, football pitch, sauna etc) inc breakfast, VAT. "Cheapest con anywhere," they say. GALILEOCON 84 (24-26 Aug, Newcastle Crest Hotel) -- 18th "official" UK Trekthing. #15 att; 30 Kirksdale Green, Rye Hill, Newcastle-upon-Tyne, NE4 6HU. LA-CON II (30 Aug -- 3 Sept, Anaheim Con Center, Los Angeles): 42nd worldcon, GoH Gordon Dickson, FGoH Dick Eney. $50 att ($75 after 15 July) to PO Box 8442, Van Nuys, CA 91409, USA. Since page 1 a Hugo release has arrived: 513 ballots cast with a total of 9,594 nominations covering 1,705 separate items (books, films, people etc) -- what useful information! Total number of items to get nominations in each category: novel 200, novella 58, novelette 121, short 230, nonfic 72, dramatic 100, pro editor 76, pro artist 156, semiprozine 52, fanzine 176, fanwriter 165, fanartist 193, JWC 105. 1984 Hugo ballots will be "machine-readable mark-sense cards", prompting evil Colin Fine to suggest we all return slightly enlarged or reduced xeroxes to annoy the computer... BENELUXCON (7-8 Sept, Gent, Belgium): still the most popular continental con amid UK fans. GoHs Robert Sheckley, James White, Michael Kubiak. Date shifted forward a week to avoid clashing with international Policecon. Info: Eendenplassstraat 70, B9050 Evergem, Belgium. Membership approx #5.50 att, rooms approx #4.50 per person per night. Accommodation in `Fabliolahome', con in `Van Eyck Centre' some 10 minutes' walk away. MYTHCON 84 (7-9 Sept, Humberside Coll of Higher Ed): Gohs Anne McCaffrey, Jack Cohen, Brian Froud. Data: 131 Sheen Lane, East Sheen, London, SW14 8AE. BRUNNERCON (22 Sept, Hotel Calgary, Casalbordino Lido, (CH), Abruzzo, Italy): GoH John Brunner. In celebration of JB's 50th birthday. Open party for any fan who should happen to be passing. Organizers: John Brunner PLC. MILFORD SF WRITERS' CONFERENCE UK (23-30 Sept, Milford- on-Sea): the real elite, by invitation only, a devious, twisted group of literary mafiosi by comparison with whom the Bavarian Illuminati are but children playing in the sand. Your only chance is to bribe the wholly corrupt committee: Tuttle (chair), Edwards, Langford. CONQUEST (10-12 Oct, Ingram Hotel, Glasgow): GoHs the Pinis, James White. #12 att. 104 Pretoria Road, Patchway, Bristol, BS12 5PZ. Whenever I make jokes about ConQuest, Linda Miller hits me and threatens me with horrid tortures, but -- OUCH! GERR-OFF! Oh, all right, supporting membership #5. GALACTICON (27-28 Oct, London): media thing, presumably. #7.50 day, #15 att. 171 Heath Road, Hounslow, Middlesex. CYMRUCON (2-4 Nov, Central Hotel, Cardiff) -- swaps places with Novacon in shock horror escape bid! In other words, Cymrucon tried to move from the fabulously squalid Central Hotel, and by the time they'd explored every stone and left no avenue unturned (without luck), the Central was full every weekend except... #5 att to 56 Honinton Road, Llanrumney, Cardiff, CF3 9QL. Usual guest list, but no R.L.Fanthorpe: John Brunner remembers with a cringe of horror how last year he presented born-again RLF with a lovingly crafted certificate making him perpetual patron of Cardiff SF and cons, and Lionel spurned it because "he didn't approve of the things that happen at night at conventions." WHICH things...? NOVACON 14 (9-11 Nov, Grand Hotel, Birmingham): GoH Rob Holdstock, yay yay. Membership fee cut to #6 by resorting like Mexicon to duplicated rather than litho PRs -- though unlike Mexicon's, no.1 was incredibly tatty and provoked a grovelling Steve Green (chair) to ring and inform me that it was WHOLLY UNTYPICAL. Hotel #15/person, presumably including breakfast and VAT (not mentioned in PR1). Bouquets to 11 Fox Green Cres, Acocks Green, Birmingham, B27 7SD. Despite PR1's aspersions on ANSIBLE and significant members of COFF, I shall turn the other cheek and urge my readers to put away all thoughts of helping Steve Green win the Concrete Overcoat Fan Fund by sending 10p/vote and Steve's name to COFF, 438 Station Road, Dorridge, Solihull, W Midlands. (COFF proceeds go to GUFF and TAFF.) EASTERCON 1985 will be decided before many of you see this: as we go to press the only visible bid is Yorcon III (Leeds), 45 Harold Mount, Leeds, LS6 1PW... one or two subtle irregularities in the Falcon 85 (Falkland Islands) bid flyer give the hint that they may fail to carry the vote despite announcing Jorge Luis Borges as GoH. Speaking of which, D.West writes concerning a chance reference which I failed to edit from his last issue's letter: "I can tell you that Graham James was not best pleased by that leak concerning the GoH. In fact, he was fucking livid, and two weeks later is still muttering unsociable things about ripping out my lungs and liver. My defence that it would all be the same in a hundred years and that nobody gave a shit about GoHs anyway did not seem to go down too well. Another satisfied Hansen voter. Anyway, there is no news from Leeds except that all future discussions of Yorcon III will be held behind locked doors at two in the morning on dates when it has been ascertained that I am not less than 15 miles away, unconscious, or both. It's really sad, this lack of trust... Speaking of which, Simon Ounsley showed me the latest issue of MICROWAVE. I see that Terry Hill has got his nerve together enough to move on from slandering me in private (by way of telephone calls asking if I can be relied upon to embezzle the TAFF funds) to libelling me in public (by way of similar suggestions in his editorial). Interesting times, eh? (He hasn't quite got his nerve together to the extent of sending me a copy, though. Still, it's the thought that counts.)" (DW) But we're slipping away from the subject of cons. After Easter comes BECCON 85 (26-28 July, Basildon, Essex Crest Hotel, #4 supp #8 att to 191 The Heights, Northolt, Middlesex), the Australian 43RD WORLDCON (see Britain in 87 flyer) and a clutch of other stuff. A massed Trout (Glasgow fandom) meeting failed to confirm Bob fake Shaw as the manifest leader of ALBACON 85 (July): John Wilkes of the famous Wilkettes is chair, after a hard-fought vote in which he narrowly defeated a hamster. For 1986 we have two Eastercon bids, Glasgow again -- no details -- and Contravention (Donaldson, Doreys, Hughes, Huxley, Oldroyd, Pearson, Wilkes, Vine; #1 presupp to 46 Colwyn Road, Beeston, Leeds, LS11 6PY). Contravention's questionnaire asks fans to pick their favourite venue from Brighton, Blackpool (where we hear the hotel whose smallness told against the 1984con bid for this Easter is to grow much huger in the near future) and the Birmingham NEC or subset thereof. Committee opinion is believed to favour the latter. STOP PRESS: Ian Watson writes! "We were going to the Festival de l'Insolite down in the south of France, last week of May, but organizer Bernard Blanc writes that the whole festival has been cancelled due to poverty, bugger it." (13-4-84) ============================================================= *** COA *** JUSTIN ACKROYD: no fixed abode, but temporarily c/o Nicholas/Hanna (address Bin87 flyer) :: TOM BOARDMAN JR (& SF Lunch Club), Books for Children, Park House, Dollar Street, Cirencester, Gloucestershire, GL7 2AN :: FAITH BROOKER, Flat 2, 191 Anerley Road, Penge, London, SE20 8EL :: LINDA & RON BUSHYAGER, 24 Leopard Road, Paoli, PA 19301, USA :: PETER COHEN, 2 Belgravia Road, North End, Portsmouth, Hants :: BENEDICT S CULLUM, 35 Totteridge Lane, Whetstone, London, N20 0HD :: STEVE DAVIES, 87 Holland Pines, Great Hollands, Bracknell :: CHRIS EVANS as Faith Brooker :: GEORGE FLYNN, PO Box 1069, Kendall Square Station, Cambridge, MA 02142, USA :: WM GIBSON, 2630 W 7th Avenue, Vancouver, BC, Canada V6K 1Z1 :: GARY FARBER (see Bin87 flyer) :: PATRICK & TERESA NIELSEN HAYDEN, 75 Fairview (2B), New York, NY 10040, USA :: PAUL HESKETT, Sunshine House, Nat Children's Home, Clayhill Road, Alverstoke, Gosport, PO12 2BZ :: GARRY & ANNETTE KILWORTH, `Greenacres' ("Yuck! That'll have to go" -- GK), The Chase, Ashingdon, Rochford, Essex :: BERNARD LEAK, 15 Sunderland Road, Tittensor, Stoke-on-Trent, ST12 9QJ :: LINDA MILLER, 1A Aylesham Way, Yately, Camberley, Surrey, GU17 :: LINDSEY MORRIS, 59 Bernhard Baron House, 33 Henriques Street, London, E.1 :: MARC ORTLIEB, 453 Kooyung Road (modulating to 455 Kooyung Road, for the promotion of greater confusion), Elsternwick, Victoria, Australia :: SIMON POLLEY, 85a Victoria Road, Leeds, West Yorks, LS6 1DR :: GEOFF RIPPINGTON is moving to Reading in the near future -- argh! :: CYRIL SIMSA, (back at) 18 Muswell Avenue, London, N10 2EG :: JAMES STYLES, 145 Faraday Street, Carlton, Vic 3053, Australia :: JEFF SUTER, 18 Norton Close, Southwick, Fareham, Hants PO17 6HU :: Sources: named fans, F770, THYME. *** INFINITELY IMPROBABLE *** FANFUNDERY: David Nessle won the first Scandinavia to Rest-of- Europe race by a vast majority and attends Seacon 84; a Rest- of-Europe to Scandinavia race should follow next year, allowing some lucky UK or Continental fan to travel all the way to Swecon 85 only to discover with a thrill of nameless horror that the GoH is Chris Priest. DUFF (Australia to US) was won by Jack Herman, 78 votes to John Packer's 11: as punishment for hubris, Jack attends LA-Con. Dave Wood rushes me a headline attesting to the widespread fear that D.West may win TAFF and never return from America, thus depleting the UK gene pool: BID FOR A WEST SPERM BANK. (Also HEART SWAP FOR WEST, INTERPOL TO PROBE WEST, &c.) Vote for Hansen!... JUDITH HANNA has achieved Total Anglicization, as proved when I phoned to ask about Marc Ortlieb's COA above, and she assumed that Victoria could only refer to the station. Her new job is p.a. to Bruce Kent & Joan Ruddock of CND... FANZINES IN THEORY AND PRACTICE by D.West (see flyer, A36): 11 weeks past `publication date' and counting... CONSTELLATION (1983 Worldcon) losses reported to be as vast as $63-69,000. Desperate fundraising campaigns have made up some $27,000 of this, but the market for Masquerade videotapes is by now almost as limited as the continuing supply of anonymous $1000 donations from the Boston area (F770). Does bankruptcy loom?... BSFA COUP! Something of the sort has been rumoured for the AGM, with the names of K.Rattan and C.Connor bandied as chief conspirators. I wonder... Chairman Dorey contributes a worried editorial to MATRIX 52, wondering whether the visible decay is due to `forgetfullness' or `dis- satisfaction': to annoy Alan I intended to compile an index of noted fans who've recently left, including Steve Green (who nevertheless appears, to his surprise, as offering himself for Council re-election in the AGM notice) and Jim `Captive' Barker (escaped after all these years!). But life is too short. FOCUS has now been bagged by Dorothy Davies & Sue Thomason... GLASGOW HORROR: after being accused so often of lack of balance, ANSIBLE is unwilling to print the report that Bob (fake) Shaw has had to be removed by upstanding Glasgow policemen after causing a nuisance in rival Neil Craig's shop. For the sake of balance can someone please send a rumour about Neil having to be warned off by the police after...? TERRY CARR updates the "rather wild rumours" concerning him and Author Services Inc (A37): "There was an initial misunderstanding, but this has been resolved in a thoroughly professional manner and the matter is closed... I want to make it clear that I was treated very well by Doug Hay and Fred Harris of ASI and by Len Forman of Bridge Publications," etc etc. (TC)... PEOPLE AND OTHERS: PASCAL THOMAS loved Corflu (US version of Silicon) because "conventions always look better when seen from the guest-of- honour seat. Bless the hand that picked my name from the hat. Oh shoot, I've just blessed Terry Carr's hand, he'll just have to wash it real hard for the next few days... Exchange heard when a couple of hardy fans were trying to work a vintage mimeo: `It's the duplicator version of the Society for Creative Anachronism' -- `Yes, but they only print with blunt mimeos'." (PT) CHRIS PRIEST turned out to be the brain behind a Society of Authors poll to determine the wonderfulness of W.H.Smiths as booksellers -- final score Priest 1, WHS 0... WM GIBSON regrets the "indefinite postponement of the fanzine-of- comment promised to British faneditors who so generously posted their product down the black hole of my Professional Activity: I was midway through the more or less final draft of ENDLESS FUCKING NEUROMANCER, and I'd read them and promise I'd Do Something About It as soon as I was through the damn book. Some six months later, having signed two more contracts (COUNT ZERO for Ace, LOG OF THE MUSTANG SALLY for Arbor), I see where I slipped up." (WG)... OLON WIGGINS, 3rd Worldcon chairman (Denvention I, 1941), died in February aged 74... ROBERT LICHTMAN invites you to buy his fanthology BEST OF FRAP, 76pp of fanwriting by famous names (many of them Greg Benford), $8.50 post free -- PO Box 30, Glen Ellen, CA 95442, USA... M.JOHN HARRISON turned up recently with a story in WOMEN'S JOURNAL, and romantic-fiction lists are being eagerly scanned for the appearance of FOREVER VIRICONIUM or similar... NEIL GAIMAN writes in horror to complain that famous sf knowledge master Dr C.Greenland has never read any G.K.Chesterton! And: "self & Kim Newman just signed a contract with Arrow to produce GHASTLY BEYOND BELIEF, a book of sf quotations from all media featuring worst blurbs, worst prose from award- winning stories, oodles of wonderful trivia though not of course LISTS." (NG)... MARY GENTLE joins reviewers' mafia (inc Langford, Evans, Greenland) with INTERZONE column, passing her initiation test with flying colours by throwing up on all the right pages of HABITATION ONE (F.Dunstan)... IMAGO SF/F mag (US) folds after exciting run of zero issues... APAs: proliferation reaches alarming levels with a Soft Toys Apa (Pam Wells -- who rejoices in the title `Big Ears' -- 24a Beech Road, Bowes Park, London, N11 2DA). D.West's A37 letter provoked comment from Paul Vincent, who wishes it to be known that he administrates the Nova Award these days (25 Dovedale Avenue, Pelsall, Walsall, W Midlands, WS3 4HG) and think the rules debar work confined to apas; also Joy Hibbert, who made vast numbers of mutually contradictory points about `insecure male fans', and observed that D.West was very parochial for not having visited RaCon to look at something displayed in its artshow and therefore not at all restricted to Women's Periodical eyes. (For `parochial', I think, read `broke'.)... SURPRISE, SURPRISE: what a treat it was for John Brunner when Arrow books, instead of photo-offsetting his CRUCIBLE OF TIME from the US edition as planned, reset the whole book and gave him an exciting week of unexpected proofreading... BOOKS FOR SALE: ask me for new/remainder of s/h lists... ============================================================= HAZEL'S LANGUAGE LESSONS #29: ILA (a.k.a. SESHUKULUMBWE) ING'OMBE-MUKA: a kind of beetle used by the Baila to tie into their hair to catch lice. ANSIBLE 38: Dave Langford 94 London Road, Reading, Berks., RG1 5AU, England. ============================================================= A MESSAGE FROM OUR SPONSOR This page, in earlier issues of ANSIBLE 38, contained an extremely thrilling flyer from a fannish book dealer (Oh all right -- Simon Gosden, 25 Avondale Road, Rayleigh, Essex, SS6 8NJ). I've run out of the flyers, and I've dealt with the vast mailing list, and I still have a heap of copies left all virgin and uncollated. This is BY DESIGN; it is in accordance with a MASTER PLAN. Over the year or so since my last issue of the almost famous TWLL-DDU, I've been assailed by guilt as hordes of fanzines arrive, and arrive, and keep on arriving, while I don't seem to have got round to another TD as yet. (But that is not dead which can eternal lie, and TD contained more lies than most things -- except possibly ANSIBLE -- so don't send flowers just yet.) Instead, this ANSIBLE is going to millions of truly deserving fans as a deeply felt thankyou, as a truly sincere acknowledgement of the great joy and intellectual engagement given me by your fanzine. Thank you, thank you from the bottom of my heart. (And if any cynical bugger suggests I'm only trying to scrape up a few Hugo votes, I'll... I'll... ignore them, that's what I'll do.) Since A38 appeared at Easter, many things have happened. Rob Hansen won TAFF by 101 votes to 60 or thereabouts. D.West published his collected fanwriting at last (v. triffic); I believe current price is #5/$20 (don't ask me). John Sladek got the BSFA novel award and David Brin got the Nebula. Yorcon III is the 1985 UK Eastercon nearly losing to Hold Over Funds -- #4 supp #8 att to address as elsewhere. My Seacon 84 talk `The Dragonhiker's Guide to Battlefield Covenant at Dune's Edge: Odyssey Two' brought me notoriety and death threats from the authors discussed -- now published in Dave Wood's XYSTER and shortly due in Marty & Robbie Cantor's HOLIER THAN THOU, so there. The BSFA conspiracy (facing page) fizzled. A certain fan who went to Noreascon in 1980 has at last finished his TAFF report... collected edition later this year, with luck, from Rob Jackson's Inca Press. Blank space below is graciously left for you to scribble in, if I haven't already done so. Keep well, and keep phoning the really vile hot news through to Reading (0734) 665804. Dave Langford, May 1984 ANSIBLE 40, October 1984: PLEASE NOTE that this old ANSIBLE is a bit of history. Addresses may have changed (though the editor's postal address hasn't), prices and agents' credits are invalid, the Prestel number is no more, etc. This issue was produced in my BWP or Before-Word-Processors era and lovingly rekeyed for the archives by SIMON BRADSHAW ... to whom many thanks! Dave Langford, ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk, 1994. ============================================================= ANSIBLE 40 looks back over five hectic years of publication and, in a flood of sudden nostalgia, decides it's safer not to mention any of the details. Instead, the usual up-to-the- gigasecond news and abuse from DAVE LANGFORD, 94 LONDON ROAD, READING, BERKS, RG1 5AU, England... Subscription rates are being heroically, if temporarily, held constant despite postal increases: 6 issues for #2.00 with notes to me, sterling cheques/money orders to ANSIBLE, Girobank transfer to a/c 24 475 4403; $3.50 US to agents Mary & Bill Burns, 23 Kensington Ct, Hempstead, NY 11550; #2 equivalent to Roelof Goudriaan should you meet him at some continental con; and for Australians I hope to quote rates in local currency real soon now. (Leigh Edmonds, This Means You!) The cartoon is by BRAD W.FOSTER. the mailing labels are as ever the work of KEITH FREEMAN, last issue's collation was by Hazel and me because no one else turned up (mumble, grump), and this issue will be zooming off to 424 addresses. Mailing label runs: LASTISH XX means you're OK to issue XX, SUB DUE means you've just stopped being OK, ***** delicately conveys that even if your best friend hasn't pointed it out, you have been non-OK for a detectable period, and TRADE means you're permanently OK until I change my mind. This issue's excursion into culture: "I believe that composing on the typewriter has probably done more than anything else to deteriorate English prose." (Edmund Wilson, 1962.) [] DOES ANYONE read this small print? To test this, I'm putting the Complaints Department here: Marise Morland-Chapman passes on comments from boyfriend Sydney Jordan to the effect that he didn't object to the fake Bob Shaw, merely to "being on the unpopular side" of the Albacon/Faircon clash -- "if he's going to take 3 days off he doesn't want to spend it lecturing to 3 people." Mr Jordan avers that he will never agree to be GoH anywhere ever again... Malcolm Edwards was miffed by my fascist, oppressive behaviour in not mentioning his BSFA award on the front page; Chris Hughes complained that I'd utterly failed to trace 95% of Seacon's problems to a certain co-Chairman who is not John Brunner; and Alan Dorey was unhappy about the `Cassandra' bits (but later said that when he actually got around to reading Ansible rather than relying on Graham James's phone call, it seemed OK). Fulsome apologies to all these afflicted persons. Oct 1984. ============================================================= ### BENEATH THE FLAT STONE :: THE WORLD OF BOOKS J.G.Ballard's EMPIRE OF THE SUN, heavily tipped for the Booker Prize by millions of reviewers, duly bounded onto the shortlist in the favourite's position despite an unusually boring and anti-innovative panel of judges-whose token human being Polly Devlin expressed loud bogglement that Angela Carter's NIGHTS AT THE CIRCUS wasn't shortlisted. (A lot of reviewers thought the same. The GUARDIAN explained that AC's "brilliant extravaganza may have been thought too overreaching by the rather conservative panel of judges.") Devlin went on to explain that EMPIRE was the favourite because "it is the only novel on the shortlist that is not about writers writing." Even PRIVATE EYE gave its blessing to `Jim Gentleman Ballard'... but rumblings of disquiet have emerged from 5,271,009 people interned in 40s Shanghai (setting of EMPIRE) who are unanimous in saying It Wasn't Like That At All, Ballard Has Got It All Wrong. "Er um well," replied a shifty- sounding Gollancz editor, "Ballard was creating a METAPHORICAL, FICTIONAL truth." The crack ANSIBLE team of semanticists has analysed this remark by Malcolm (for it is he) Edwards, decoding it as: "You cretins, this is really SF set in an ALTERNATE WORLD Shanghai, only I can't say that with the mainstream critics listening..." STOP PRESS: Booker results later this issue! A MARVELLOUS EAR FOR NAMES is one of the things that just about everyone grants Tolkien. Which is why I think it's a bit mean of Unwin to publish (in THE BOOK OF LOST TALES II) the fact that in callow 1917 he perpetrated, inter alia, an elf called Tinfang Warble... BOB SHAW'S _FIRE PATTERN_ has roused speculation; the hero rings an aging John Sladek to ask about spontaneous combustion in people, and can only extract flip, joky, context-free answers. Is Shaw needling Sladek, I was asked? Bob confesses: "John wrote all his own dialogue for that scene." thus FIRE PATTERN -- likes LIES, INC, which has two Sladek linking passages -- becomes a vital item for the Sladek bibliography even now being prepared by notorious pamphleteer Chris Drumm. (CD produces mini-booklet SF/reference stuff at 20-55pp: recent ones are `It's Down the Slippery Cellar Stairs', Lafferty nonfic $2; `Love Among the Xoids', Sladek short $1; `A James Gunn Checklist' $1.25; `Tiger, Tiger!' short Gunn novel from 1952, $2.25, all postpaid: PO Box 445, Polk City, Iowa, 50226.) Meanwhile, Bob shyly confesses to having contracted tom write Gollancz a massive SF Blockbuster of 120,000 words or more! Title? Content? "Er, I'm still thinking about that part." SAVOY CENSORED, AS USUAL: D.Britton & M.Butterworth of Savoy Books produced a vast anthology, SAVOY DREAMS, a weird and slightly self-indulgent (eg. reprinting all the reviews of previous Savoy Books) collection full of famous names, bits of books that didn't get published, the inside story of their police prosecution, etc: apparently they only did 800 copies at #7.95, sending most of these to reviewers who almost instantly said nothing. Hear now the word of fearless alternative bookshop Compendium (NW.1), tactfully explaining to Savoy why Compendium feels unable to stock SD: "Dear assholes, I've got enough boring letters to open every morning without you two whining because we don't want to stock your book... The pseudo-mystical soft porn you specialize in is very, very conservative and deeply boring. I mean, down here it's 1984 and our customers are just NOT INTERESTED in such pretentious twaddle. Piss on you, CHRIS RENDER." Far out, man. THE SF SOURCEBOOK ed.D.Wingrove was launched on tides of alcohol, 3 Sept, down in the Planetarium's `Astronomers' Gallery' amid giant orreries and a model of Ptolemaic epicycles which for authenticity used real bicycle wheels. Brian Aldiss's speech did not neglect to mention the book had been HIS idea. "What market d'you think this book's aimed at?" someone asked Brian Stableford. "Remainder", he said instantly. Brian had contributed to the book's `Michelin Guide To SF', but denied having given the supreme accolade of five stars for characterization to (wait for it) Jack Chalker. "I didn't give five stars to anything," he said. "Nor I," said Roz Kaveney. "In fact I gave lots of things no stars at all," grumbled BS, "but they all got edited out." Somewhere a boring ANSIBLE editor was droning, "Listen to this. C.Sheffield's WEB BETWEEN THE WORLDS gets five for literary merit, putting this undistinguished acolyte of Arthur C.Clarke ahead of Aldiss, Dick, Huxley, Lem, Nabokov, Orwell, Swift, Twain, Vonnegut and Wells, not to mention Clarke himself..." With such controversy, how could the book fail? Presently the Planetarium slung everyone out: the Wingrove coterie retreated to DW's private party ("I don't suppose I'll be seeing you there?" said Ritchie Smith to Roz: "No, I thought you wouldn't be invited.") and the rest of us went home to write our reviews. NON-REVIEWS: D.Wingrove is also responsible for John Goodchild Publishers' `SF Alternatives' series, aimed at producing nice, expensive editions of books you already have. To hand are Bester's TIGER! TIGER! (I turned straight to the typographical pyrotechnics of ch.15, hoping to find the bits clearly missing on p231 of the Penguin edition, only to find this IS photolithoed from the Penguin edition-rats) and Crowley's BEASTS (a bit young, at 8 years, for canonization, but never mind. It would have been gracious, though, to cut a page of editorial introduction and make room for Crowley's omitted dedication and epigraph). Another reissue deserving of a mention: H.G.Wells's THE CROQUET PLAYER from Ian Henry Publications, possibly the best of Wells's later fiction and disturbingly prophetic (in 1936) of events in 1939. FANDOM DIRECTORY 1984-5 ($9.95: Fandom Computer Services, PO Box 4278, San Bernadino, CA 92409) may be of value to people wanting to compile vast mailing lists of US comics/media fans, or to purchase plastic bags (the principal product advertised). But coverage is spotty-I can't even find LOCUS in the publications index-and the 230 or so UK addresses are riddles with bygone fanzines, cons and addresses. The problem is that FD is not researched but compiled from forms completed by (some) fans: imagine how slim and useful the telephone directory would be if everyone had to make an active and regular effort, involving postal costs, to be listed. Caveat emptor. Lastly, Mosaic Publishing Ltd have released computer game versions of Harrison's STAINLESS STEEL RAT SAVES THE WORLD and Moorcock's NOMAD OF TIME (the `Bastable' Trilogy), #9.95 apiece (CBM-64 version only). Over the phone I mentioned to a Mosaic publicist that I'd heard Harry enthuse about working with a programmer on the Rat adventure-game: "Oh no," was the reply, "that would be the other version that'll be released in the States, he didn't have anything to do with this one." Oh. DISCH BATHROOM HORROR! Roz Kaveney gleefully notes that one of the hideous fates allotted to characters in Tom Disch's new THE BUSINESSMAN: A TALE OF TERROR is being condemned to haunt a fearful bathroom appallingly decorated with Aubrey Beardsley designs. It is said that Gollancz bounced the book. It is certain that, after all their parties, the decor of Malcolm Edwards's and Chris Atkinson's bog is notorious... ### EXCITING, VIBRANT, LATE, BORING WORLDCON STUFF That is not dead which can eternal lie, and with strange aeons Malcolm Edwards may send in the report ANSIBLE has long awaited, but stuff that. Instead some bitlets from ... COLIN FINE: "LA-Con II committee started as they were to go on, by getting up people's noses. They kept to all their much- trumpeted mottos but #2, `No standing in line.' Around 11am on the Thursday the half-room in front of the registration tables was so full of people milling about in search of the right desk, they had to stop people coming in for a bit. Result: a 20-minute queue in about 100 Queues returned on Sunday: at midnight they were showing the Star Wars trilogy in a 1600-seat theatre, and somebody panicked and put up a notice by registration, pointing out that con membership didn't GUARANTEE admission to popular items; registration gophers were instructed to repeat this to each day-member they enrolled at a princely $35. Whether because of this scaremongering or not, they were queueing for the films before 6pm. Rumour has it that eventually only 1100 people slept long-service medals from the official SW fan club. "The main way the concom upset people was by carelessly allowing themselves to appear partisan over future bids. First they apparently invited Atlanta in '86 to provide bags for member's programme bumph, without extending any similar offer to NY or Philly. When Britain in '87 turned up ready to man a membership desk all day, rejected the Fan Lounge (tucked away in an inaccessible corner... sound familiar?) as a venue, and ask nicely for a table somewhere prominent, they let us use one at the front of the huckster's room. Phoenix in '87 objected, apparently because they hadn't though of asking for- and couldn't man-a table. LA-Cons's Solomonic solution was to oust us and allow Phoenix a day in the same spot -- which they did not take up. Instead we acquired a real paid-for table by simply buying up (privately) a dealer's entire stock and offering him a small sum for the tail-end of his table rent. "About the same time we met the Phoenix people and struck up a relationship culminating in the great '87 Bid Party on Sunday night, which won the coveted `party of the Day' accolade in the Monday newsletter: a triple party, Phoenix, us and LA (a Westercon bid). Chris Atkinson spent the evening selling UK in 87 badges, and occasionally her body, to all comers... "Membership was 9282; actually THERE were 8365, comprising 5823 pre-registered and 2542 walk-ins. Rumoured profits are over $100,000, probably $150,000; rumouredly they broke even in June and everything since is gravy, which they courageously maximized by such financially responsible acts as refusing to show the roomful of short films they'd already hired, as that would need an extra projectionist. Another rumour; part of the surplus will be used to refund memberships of those who put most into the con... the 1986 Worldcon will be Confederation in Atlanta, Georgia, Aug 28 to Sept 1, GoH Ray Bradbury FGoH Terry Carr Toastmaster Bob Shaw. Membership rates until 1985: $25 supp $35 att, further info from UK agent Colin Fine, 205 Coldham's Lane, Cambridge, CB1 3HY. "LA's venue, the Anaheim Hilton and Towers, is a strange hotel. The `Towers' is merely the 14th, ie. top, floor- actually the 13th since though there's a floor numbered 13, there isn't one numbered 10! long rambling corridors surround, on floor 5, a pool and 2 `decks' of astroturf: many parties were in 5th-floor suites opening onto the decks, so ultimately there was just one giant party in the open under the stars, the Disneyland fireworks and the Goodyear blimp. "Shock recognition at the con was BRIAN BURGESS. Surprise predicament was that of Duncan Lunan, who'd been flown out by a symposium so incompetent that they only got him a single flight and then went broke. He was desperately trying to sell MAN AND THE PLANETS (at $17.95/copy) to raise his fare home. "Hugos? Oh yeah, some books or other won them." (C FINE) SOME BOOKS OR OTHER comprised David Brin's STARTIDE RISING (novel), Timothy Zahn's `Cascade Point' (novella), Greg Bear's `Blood Music' (novelette), Octavia Butler's `Speech Sounds' (short), Donald Tuck's ENCYCLOPAEDIA OF SF AND FANTASY VOL 3 (nonfic), RETURN OF THE JEDI (film), Shawna McCarthy of IASFM (editor), Michael Whelan (artist), LOCUS (semiprozine), File 770 (fanzine), Alexis Gilliland (fanartist), Mike Glyer (fanwriter), R.A.MacAvoy (John W. `Not A Hugo' Campbell Award). Censorship in its ugliest form occurred when -- Hugo nominees having been asked for transparencies of themselves to enliven the ceremony -- LA-Con bounced a pic of D.Langford, requesting `one we can show in public, please.' Thus a boring slide was hastily unearthed from the files, and thus Dave Wood failed to gain an international audience for his tasteful study of my Seacon nosebleed. Shame. CHARLES PLATT evidently had a great time: "'Too large,' people complained, referring not only to the attendees but the environs: several halls the size of football fields, huge concrete plazas across which fans toiled in baking heat, and 100-yard hotel corridors all combined to make it impossible to meet friends except by appointment. The programme was disappointingly sparse. California is the state richest in SF writers, but few big names attended. Frank Herbert spent 2 hours signing books and promoting the Dune movie; he said the soundtrack by the Viennese Symphony Orchestra was `at least as compelling as the theme from JAWS' and claimed the $60M made it the most expensive movie in history. The clip I saw looked sort of shabby and dim, like an etching. "Bradbury, van Vogt, Sturgeon and Heinlein didn't show. Ellison appeared only to bestow a special plaque on one-time SF editor Larry Shaw (who bought Harlan's first story). Ellison's speech, read in collaboration with Bob Silverberg, was unusually rich in hyperbole, and couched in the past tense, making it hard to tell the recipient was alive. Shaw appeared, in fact, to be dying of throat cancer, and was thus mercifully unable to respond at length. The grim ritual came midway through the Hugos, as if Ellison were sanctimoniously reminding his audience of the Real Values in life. "The Hugos drew half the crowd of the 3-hour costume parade. Generally, the more serious the item, the smaller the audience. A beautiful, authoritative slide-show by a JPL physicist, documenting the Voyager mission past Jupiter and Saturn, attracted a crowd of ten. By contrast, fans were lining up to see the Star Wars trilogy hours before showtime, playing cassettes of the movie theme to get themselves in the right frame of mind. Those of us who have always felt alienated from the outside world can now feel totally alienated from worldcons, too. The huckster room was heavy on t-shirts, badges, toys, memorabilia and food; light on books. Hollywood studios contributed big media exhibits; I found the 8-foot model Nautilus from Disney's 20,000 LEAGUES the only item with any real imaginative authority. "Most enjoyable program moment for me was when Barry Bayley won a `Japanese Hugo' for best translated English-language novel. Most enjoyable evening activity was when Greg Benford and his twin brother Jim led me in search of a rumoured nitrous oxide party: `It's somewhere around here,' Greg said, at which moment the loud hissing of a balloon being inflated came clearly from behind one of the Hilton doors. Within, we found four large tanks of nitrous and a dozen or so left-over 60s freaks in various stages of decomposition. `Always look behind you before you fall over,' one of them told me -- sage advice from one who knew." (C.PLATT) ### SQUIRMING MAGS The section heading comes from CHEAP TRUTH, a vile piece of samizdat rumoured to emanate from an anonymous INTERZONE 7 contributor at 809-C W 12th St, Austin, Texas 78701, USA. CT covers SF mags like this: "_IASFM_ suffers from Dr Asimov's own prolixity, for his prolificacy has now reached the terminal stage and he can write any amount of anything about nothing... ANALOG exudes the stale, mummylike odour of attitudes preserved too long... brain and heart are in canopic jars somewhere, while its contributors' word-processors spit out copy on automatic pilot... _IZ_ has the finest editorial ideology in the English-speaking world, bound cheek-by-jowl with stories often riddled with conceit and void of substance. Yet IZ sustains hope with bursts of appalling brilliance... OMNI's `Boy Eats Own Foot' approach to science coverage makes its reportage highly suspect... its power-mad art department has earned an unpleasant notoriety. Stories are trimmed to fit like styrofoam, occasionally without authorial consultation; sometimes, incredibly, lines are even ADDED..." (CT7) An earlier issue features a Swiftian Rhapsody on SF, which a famous SF author living in Oxford would surely deny writing; I passed this to Joe Nicholas for PAPERBACK INFERNO, but just a few lines... These failures clog the lists of DAW, Del Ray, Ace Books, Avon and Tor, Where copywriters gild their sins With `Greater Tolkiens', `New LeGuins', 'Beats Arthur Clarke', `Equal to Niven' -- As if that awful thought were Heaven! -- Or `Starrier Wars'... and Sturgeon there, Here Budrys, `Masterpiece' declare, 'Not to be missed...' Such feeble lies Support a feebler enterprise Of Royalties at _4%_ Which scarcely serve to pay the rent... (CT6) OMNI UK has appeared on the stands: advance rumours (such as belatedly printed in MATRIX) hinted that the `re-launch' would have 16 pages of British material bound into the same old US edition. In fact the whole thing has more of a British look, the `disposable' 16pp merely containing all the SF content. "The emphasis is on the science side", explains editor Jon Chambers... who may edit only one more issue (out 29 Nov), since a searching ANSIBLE investigation discloses that Sightline Publications Ltd, (a division of Northern & Shell, owning FORUM and PENTHOUSE UK) has merely bought rights to publish two trial issues of OMNI UK. Despite pious hopes of "going monthly from early 1985", the outlook is currently uncertain -- better not rush all your IZ rejections to PO Box 381, Mill Harbour, London, E14 9TW just yet, as #2 close on 12 Oct, two days after I was begged to rush in some reviews. FTL MAGAZINE (New York): putative editor Greg Costikyan announces this SF/games mag's "abortion" owing to a prolapsed publication deal, and pleads for no more stories... WHITE DWARF & IMAGINE, the UK role-playing game thingies, persist with rumoured circulations of over 40,000 for WD, well under 20,000 for I. The former shows signs of developing a fiction policy, ie. publishing some; editor Jamie Thomson has been replaced by one Jon Sutherland. "I see Jamie has decided to call it a day after hearing about the Polaroid and the goat," confides I editor Paul Cockburn, meanwhile bouncing a Langford joke about religious attitudes to D&D ("We all suffixed our mirth by saying `No, no... we daren't...'"), and mentioning that 4500 words is as bloated and verbose a story as can be for publication in IMAGINE. STARLIGHT SF NEWS is that sort of `electronic ANSIBLE' which has intermittently appeared on the Micronet 800 viewdata pages (moving confusingly and inexplicably between pp 6006207 and 8006207 -- a Prestel cockup has lately filled the former slot with a version exhumed from 1983, mentioning Asimov as GoH at Seacon 84... oh the shame. Its intermittent status was largely the result of communication problems, the electronic whizkids of Micronet being incapable of anything so low-tech as writing letters: a renaissance is hoped in the near future, and I may be able to pay m*n*y to contributors. Meanwhile I find myself connected to Prestel via bootleg hardware which conceals me under the secret identity `Radio Kent' (brother of the more famous Clark). I'm told I can receive electronic mail sent to the `address' 733 631 000. Um well. NOVA SF, the major Swedish mag, has acquired a managing Editor, writes co-Boss Editor, John-Henri Holmberg: "lacking anybody else with even a minimum of editing experience or spelling ability, we had to settle for Ahrvid Engholm." Rush your submissions (Ahrvid recommends sending traditional hard SF, or well-known prose with subtlety/emotion) to Palsundsgatan 1 A, S-117 31 Stockholm, for marvellously tactful rejections. John-Henri: "I rather liked it and have passed it on to our new managing Editor." Ahrvid: "John-Henri tossed a small paper plane in my direction, which when I unfolded it proved to be a story by you that he wanted me to reject." INTERZONE has had an editorial reshuffle, with J.Clute, A.Dorey and R.Kaveney (the latter already absent from the IZ9 masthead) `promoted upstairs' as advisers, C.Greenland, S.Ounsley and D.Pringle as co-editors proper, A.Frost news editor as well as designer, and newcomers Judith Hanna and Lindsey Morris conscripted as `assistant editors' -- their brains becoming cannon-fodder on suicide missions into the uncharted slushpile. An INTERZONE ANTHOLOGY appears in Dent trade-paperback next April -- 12 stories from issues 1-9 plus a new, long outbreak from Geoff Ryman. Added publicity for IZ was provided when Pseud's Corner (PRIVATE EYE) published J.G.Ballard's belief in adolescent women's pudenda (see IZ8) -- I was glad to help out, folks, no trouble at all. TO THE STARS, or more properly L.RON HUBBARD'S TO THE STARS, was launched at LA-Con (my invitation to the party came two days beforehand, but even with this generous margin I failed to make it). It is a "NEWS, REVIEWS & COMMENTARY magazine of the SCIENCE FICTION -- AND ALL RELATED -- field of interest!" (sic)... Methuselah Press, 3963 Wilshire Blvd #142, Los Angeles, CA 90010, USA. No fiction, apparently, except winners of the Hubbard Skiffy Comp which despite A39 remains open (all Fred Harris's fault for not sending further details as promised): new -- no more than 3 shorts published -- writers can rush in stuff up to 17000 words until the final quarterly deadline 30-6-85; only one entry/quarter; authors name on covering sheet but not on MS proper; address 2210 Wilshire Blvd #343, Santa Monica, CA 90403; prizes zero to $1000. FANTASY BOOK, the new version, has turned up for review. Parts are quite good, though I can live without stuff like YET ANOTHER po-faced Lovecraft pastiche from Brian Lumley (part 3 of a serial, yet). No foreign sub rates quoted; it's imported by the usual shops with #2 on the cover. Fiction rates 2 1/2 - 4 cents/word. Needs fewer fantasy cliches, more risk-taking. Ed. Nick Smith, PO Box 60126, Pasadena, CA 91106, USA. FORTEAN TIMES, edited from East Ham by former fan Bob Rickard, is getting computerized with an IBM PC... or maybe not. "I've discovered 3000 subjects so far, and I'm only up to C," confessed BR as he discovered commercial database programs to be unable to cope with his "millions of new clippings" about rains of frogs, blood, crabs and small portions of Richard Bergeron's brain (among other arcane phenomena). PETER NICHOLLS NEWS! At long last the dispute between PN (also D.Langford & B.Stableford) and Roxby Press, regarding the lack of money from THE SCIENCE IN SF, has come to a suitably messy lack of conclusion. Old-time readers may dimly recall that RP deducted some #46000 from the gross receipts before calculating royalties, thus enabling the authors to subsidize the cost of printing the book. The PN/RP contract is a shambles (leading to PN's later sacking of his then agents). Our Peter has now obtained Counsel's opinion to the effect that (a) there would be an 80% chance of getting RP to cough up via a High Court case; (b) however, if PN/DL/BS lost the case, costs of up to #15000 might have to be paid; (c) the few thousand involved is unfortunately too much to chase through the Small Claims Court. This will be absolutely wonderful news for all publishers. Peter writes: "THE ENCYCLOPAEDIA OF FANTASY, companion to the ENC. OF SF, has awoken from is 3 1/2 year slumber and is sending out tendrils of new growth. It will be edited by myself and Clute, and Granada are considering it v.seriously right now. Even if they cannot find a US co-publisher the project will not die, because Clare, Clute & I will probably set up a small packaging company and do it ourselves, selling to Granada here and to whatever intelligent American finally wants it over there... Apropos of all this, you may also report that Maxim Jakubowski has, in recent months, been writing to every semi-prozine in the USA telling them that HE is doing an Encyclopaedia of Fantasy (with Allen & Unwin), designed to be a companion volume to Nicholls's ENCYCLOPAEDIA OF SF. Jakubowski is a cretin, and has no right to make claims of this sort without prior consultation with either Nicholls or Granada... Love and kisses..." (PN, 27 Aug) Maxim was last seen at packagers Rainbird, commissioning books in all directions (like a Georgette Heyer Companion by Garry Kilworth, the mind spungs) and clutching the typescript of THE HELLICONIA ENCYCLOPAEDIA, which Mr Aldiss hopes will do for the trilogy what Eliot's notes did for THE WASTE LAND. ### COME TO SUNNY MILFORD :: PAUL KINCAID The Compton Hotel is a small, comfortable hotel in the salubrious south coast resort of Milford-on-Sea; an ideal setting for a quiet, relaxing break. Wander country lanes to the sea, enjoying splendid views of the Isle of Wight. Lounge by the pool, play pool or table-tennis in the games room. Regular guests are quiet and you'll find it easy to unwind in their company, or join in the regular games and entertainments. Pat and Dom Emberson, our hosts, will make you welcome with delicious cuisine and a well-stocked bar. All in all, you are sure to leave Milford feeling rested and refreshed. More accurately -- come along to the Milford SF Writer's Workshop. A somewhat shortened Milford this year, taking place over the weekend of 28 Sept -- 1 Oct. And with just nine sacrificial [X'ed out] attendees. The Compton is inconveniently situated for the train -- four miles from the nearest station, in New Milton, or further still for Lisa Tuttle. Travelling on the last train of Friday night, Lisa got the New Milton only to find all the doors of her carriage locked. After a few tantalizing moments in the station she was carried off willy-nilly to Bournemouth, where a ticket collector scratched his head and said wonderingly, "Yes, we've had a few complaints about that." People in the know might suspect that Lisa's story was an elaborate excuse to avoid a lift from David Garnett, whose car appears to have been cobbled together years ago from rusting fragments found on a scrap heap by someone who didn't really know what cars are supposed to be like. That is still runs must be counted as one of the wonders of modern science. They built 'em to last in 1954. A warm welcome is guaranteed -- provided there's actually anybody there to welcome you. I arrived feeling very hungry and more than a little damp. The hotel looked deserted. I rang the bell, knocked on the door: no answer. I checked my invitation to see if I'd got the right place and the right date. I had. Included was a dadaistic map showing the hotel and a pub down the road where, I assumed, Milforders tended to congregate on the first night. So I repaired there for a drink and a meal, but found no sign of my fellow workshoppers. Returning, I found the hotel still devoid of life, until eventually a shamefaced Langford (with Hazel in tow) appeared. "Oh, er, sorry boss. You been waiting long?" Pat and Don, it appeared, had gone out to frivol; the Milforders had shifted to a pub not listed on the Langford map... Saturday appeared bright and sunny enough for group exercise -- a route march along muddy lanes to within a stone's throw of the sea. At least Mary Gentle threw stones at it; then agonized over whether she'd hurt it or not. This walk was an aberration; our most strenuous later exercise consisted of helping ourselves to drinks from the bar, and playing unending games of pool. Mary and I regularly stayed up into the early hours, each totally incapable of beating the other at this silly game. Decorum was maintained throughout, with cues only occasionally broken over the opponent's head and language restrained to near-publishable levels. Otherwise... mornings were spent feverishly trying to read a six-inch pile of manuscripts, and afternoons in tearing these manuscripts to bits. One should not minimize the tremendous generosity shown by everybody at Milford. They would dispense their sharpest criticisms lavishly and with great bounty, never letting their smiles fade throughout this strenuous attention that was surely beyond the call of duty. Between such bouts of intense intellectual activity, Geoff Ryman kept us entertained for hours with colourful descriptions of the grosser aspects of plastic surgery, while Peter Beere proved expert in various country practices involving sheep. Lisa Tuttle did her famous imitation of a big-mouth frog; Colin Greenland kept up the charade all weekend, croaking piteously as his voice gradually faded to nothing. Speaking of charades, a game did develop on Sunday night, after an especially good and well-lubricated banquet laid on by the hotel. Garry Kilworth proved remarkably adept at thinking up titles like CONFESSIONS OF A JUSTIFIED SINNER, while Geoff Ryman's performance of THE HOUSE AT POOH CORNER should be preserved in a thespian hall of fame. Elsewhere, a no-holds-barred, bare-fisted game of scrabble erupted in furious controversy over Dave Langford's spelling of `jism'. Speaking of bodily fluids, David G. had arrived in apparent rubicund health to announce that he had a cold. With remarkable open-handedness, he proceeded to share his good fortune. Thus, on Monday morning, as we slowly emerged bleary- eyed and hungover, many of us had this extra souvenir of our visit to take home. (Other, equally welcome souvenirs included the unfortunately ineradicable memories of G.Kilworth's jokes. It was Mr Garnett who contributed the most harrowingly memorable scene in any story, a detailed yet inadvertent description of a flasher in what was SUPPOSED to be a space- opera for kids... DRL) In truth though, it was a marvellously stimulating and enjoyable weekend, one of the best I've had, and I can only hope I'll be invited back next year (please!). I also hope for a return to the week-long format. A weekend that good, extended over a full week, would be worth experiencing. (PK) ### CASSANDRA WORKSHOP 1984 :: CHARLES STROSS So where were the slavering publishers, waiting to snap up first serial rights to the masterpieces served up at this workshop? It began quietly, as one by two the hesitant writers appeared in the door of the hotel bar. There, these exotic, unknown beings from alien locations who wrote such particular things were snorkelling _la!ger_ and _ci'de'r_ and such esoteric brews through their appendages. Ian Watson appeared quire smug, possibly due to Gollancz's decision to feed him better in return for more volumes of THE BOOK OF THE RIVER. Dave Clements considered translating his contribution from the American for those of us who live on this side of the great undrinkable. Sue Thomason caused controversy by her absence due to lurgi (shall we or shall we not wait till closing time?)... aggravated next day when, in the quiet and dignified Westone Hotel conference room (grovels -- we may need it again), it was agreed that her piece was worthy of good publicity -- the kind with royalties attached. Saturday passed without anyone quite crawling through the door whilst trying to stem the flow from the jugular. It wasn't as self-congratulatory as it might have been; no one escaped some degree of red pencil, though couple were told by Ian in no uncertain terms to "get it off to ----" (fill in your favourite mag here). The event hinged on guru Ian's presence; his criticisms were detailed, effective and helpful; we all owe him. Sunday morning passed in a haze of discussions on how to grab publishers by the throat and suck them dry (thank you, Dr Acula, for your keynote lecture), on the basis of which I predict a boom in SFWA (UK) memberships within the next few months. A good time was had by all, including the obligatory INTERZONE-bashing session: most of us had collected bloody ones (rejection slips, that is) from that worthy organ of the New Wave establishment... hence our presence at Cassandra. Next year -- see you there? (CS) IAN WATSON elucidates: "The first Cassandra SF workshop was held in Northampton, 24-26 Aug, in the idyllic surroundings of the Westone Moat House which laid on endless hot coffee, and notepads, while innumerable RAF officers held wedding receptions on the lawns outside. Ace organizer Bernard Smith ensured the workshop went instantly into top gear by distributing copies of everything beforehand. The world's forests should beware of Charles Stross, who submitted a highly saleable story and turned up with 2 awesome-looking novels apparently written in the previous 3 weeks and about to become trilogies. Simon Ings was commanded to transform his story into a portion & outline for the US fantasy editors. Stephen Bowkett confided he'd just sold a children's fantasy to Gollancz; so modestly did he confide that most present did not hear. Dave Clements & Jim England cautiously flashed the guilty secrets of their earlier Hale novels at each other, like secret agents comparing the halves of a torn-up fiver. Brains were set on fire that weekend; enthusiastic demands to hold another workshop mere weeks later were, in the end, trounced by sanity; the next Cassandra workshop will occur next August bank holiday. Bernard was urged to transform CASSANDRA magazine into a full-scale commercial venture, perhaps funded from the excess profits of a convention he could organize in Northampton. Naughty things were said by many participants about INTERZONE, to the amazement of the Chairperson, who remained nobly impartial throughout." (IW) RAMSEY CAMPBELL: "From the press handout of CHILDREN OF THE CORN, produced by Terry Kirby, directed by Fritz Kiersch: `During the filming of STEPHEN KING'S CHILDREN OF THE CORN, Kiersch and Kirby made judicious use of cameras.' Who knows, it may even catch on." (RC) [Which brings us to closing credits for John `E-Stencils' Harvey and Jim `UK87 Logo' Barker.] ### EDITORIAL The results of our latest in-depth readership survey were that (a) no one else should (or wants to) take over ANSIBLE, which is OK by me provided you (meaning everyone but Abigail) can cope with the irregular schedule; (b) a massive majority of over 400 subscribers did not care to vote in the 1983/4 Poll -- owing to apathy, inability to cope with the enormous intellectual effort of preparing a bit of paper, or conviction that the relevant period was too long ago for memory (or too dull for attention). Interestingly, the pitiful scatter of votes hinted at an overthrow of the boring old names -- including me, thank goodness -- and acknowledgement of the New talent. Another couple of dozen votes and the thing may be worth printing; otherwise it looks like bye-bye till 1985. Your cue. (See A39.) ### CONS MEXICON 2 has been having trouble finding suitable and affordable hotels -- hence its postponement to a tentative Feb 1986. "We couldn't even afford one DAY at the last place we tried," groaned Greg Pickersgill, adding that hotel managers had readily confessed that (a) if they didn't get Mexicon they'd have an empty hotel and lose money, but (b) they still wouldn't reduce their charges in the slightest. "Weird," commented Ealing's guru. Official press releases promised soon; meanwhile, until '85, registration is #6 to Mexicon at 24a Beech Rd, Bowles Pk, London NW11 2DA. AUSSIECON II: Chairman John Foyster has fled (family problems), replaced by David Grigg, with Carey Handfield as the Deputy Chair... CAMCON 85 should be the 6th Unicon, in Cambridge; the Committee is reportedly still searching Mexicon-style for an affordable and unbooked college venue. #1 presupp ("returned if no con possible") to 63 Drake Rd, Chessington, Surrey, KT9 1LQ... SF FOUNDATION AGM on 15 Nov!! (Control yourselves)... EUROPEAN TREK CONVENTIE (see A39): Maureen Porter passes on a partially coherent note from the con's organizer, explaining that it won't take place on 2-4 Nov 84 but 1-3 Nov next year... YUGOSLAVIA is dead keen to host a Worldcon at the end of the decade, says Ian Watson, adding that they need a UK agent. Mastermind Miha Granda, Vrajema 5, 61000 Ljubljana, Yug. (tel 061-443-629)... YORCON III surges onward (5-8 April 85) with no more than the usual appalling rumours of events at committee meetings. Surely there can be no truth in the story that chairman-in-all-but-name Graham Jones remarked that the only good thing about the con would be the fan room; that Alan Ferguson queried this remark, coming as it did from the person organizing the main programme; that GJ wittily riposted by seizing AF and starting to drag him from the room with cried of "You've been getting at me all this meeting, we're going to settle this outside"; that the remainder of the committee gave a remarkable Still Life performance for some seconds until Arnold Akien stood to remonstrate with GJ; that GJ, pausing only for brief abuse (You're just a joke in fandom, Akien!") burst out the room to sulk; that several committee members then resigned, one (Pete Lyon) for the second time, but were coaxed back in the interests of Total Committee Unity and Cosmic Harmony; that... but enough of these evident smears which have reached me. Yorcon is no doubt strong and vital... SPACE-EX 84, that huge but shifty event, proved not to be strong and vital (ANSIBLE editor represses cry of "I told you so!"). Ace reporter Marcus Rowland turned up on the supposed first day, 6 Aug, to find at the Westminster Central Hall a sigh saying SPACE-EX IS CANCELLED. Investigator D.M.Sherwood reports that the event was moved to Bank Holiday weekend (in a blaze on non-publicity): "Hall managers were a bit dodgy about letting Mike Parry (De Boss) have the place for a week on the slate but were persuaded to OK 3 days (fools). This was decided about a week before the old date. Set decorations weren't finished at beginning of Aug; of course they weren't paid for. P ordered 50 uniforms for Starship Ushers (gophers), all the same size, to be paid for out of profits (!). Just about all GoHs dropped out. Other P.stories: the time he sold carpets and furniture from under his 7 kiddies' feet to finance a previous con; the time he organized a quiet buffet for about 100 and 35 came, so he had to accost startled passers-by in the street and tout 1/2-price tickets; the time he [etc, etc]..." (DMS) ### INFINITELY IMPROBABLE THE LAST DANGEROUS VISIONS: "Harlan is claiming that he'll have the MS in to his publishers in October; all he has to do is pry in the last purchased story. bought over Worldcon weekend from non-attending Steven Bryan Bieler (c)..." (Thus Jerry Kaufmann, who adds:) "Tell C.Atkinson I have a horrible picture of her from the Brit in 87 party, in which she looks sour, suspicious and hostile. Did I capture the true Atkinson?"... FANTASYCON AWARDS: Peter Straub's FLOATING DRAGON (novel), Karl Edward Wagner's `Neither Brute Nor Human' (short), Ro Pardoe's GHOSTS AND SCHOLARS (small press), Rowena Morrill (Artist), VIDEODROME (film), Don and Elsie Wollheim (having been around a long time). At the con an outraged Tanith Lee demanded that the vile Neil Gaiman be cast out onto the street for general malpractice: he got his comeuppance at an Unwin launch party where to his disgust he learnt that several fans thought his KNAVE bits were by D.Langford (perish the thought). "Such an obvious _pseudonym_, after all," said Colin Greenland sweetly... ROB HOLDSTOCK SHAVES OFF BEARD! (What d'you mean, "is that all?" When Frank Herbert shaves off his beard he gets front-page coverage in LOCUS -- isn't our Rob news too? Oh)... CHEAP PRINTING, or rather photocopying (up to A3 size) is offered to fans by Mike Costello, who eagerly awaits your SAEs-for details at 17 Langbank Ave, Rise Park, Nottingham, NG5 5BU... APAs: The blight continues to spread, its latest outbreak being provisionally titled DA ORGANIZATION, run by Stan Eling at 124 Galton Rd, Smethwick, Warley, Birmingham. In reaction the Astral League has announced APA ASTRAL: THESE SOCALLED APAS ARE NOT IDEOLOGICALLY SOUND... THE ASTRAL LEAUGE WILL TAKE MEASURES. You are advised hereby for the final time not to take notice of any except APA ASTRAL. This is FOR YOUR OWN GOOD. In other APAs it is all trivial like whether Tedy Bears have feelings or if rubber is bad for the skin but in APA ASTRAL it is more COSMIC which is IMPORTANT." 50p to the usual address. By the way, D.West appears to have landed a job as part-time librarian and bought a suit. He's in the children's section. Please close your eyes for one moment and imagine this... FOLIES BERGERON: the biggest downer of 80s fandom, for me, has been Richard Bergeron's* incredible, vindictive accusation that Avedon Carol fiddled TAFF in favour of a Welsh boyfriend. In RB's weird world, the statement that D.West's domino games are a boring spectator sport ranks as crafty poisoning of voter's minds against dynamic extrovert D.: and so on, and on. I can't cope... TAFF ballots will circulate at Novacon etc: Patrick and Teresa Nielsen Hayden vs. Rich Coad, victor(s) travelling to Yorcon III, deadline end '84, more from Hansen, 9a Greenleaf Rd, East Ham, E6 1DX. SEFF (to Swecon, Aug 85) looks like Steve Green vs Hans-Jurgen Mader, nominations (to C.Fine or A.Engholm, addresses elsewhere) close 1 Dec... BOOKER HORROR! J.G.Ballard's failure to win (I hope not because the judges reacted against media enthusiasm for JGB, or his `shady SF background') was the big news, eclipsing the actual winner -- Anita Brookner's HOTEL DU LAC... TROUTMANIA: in the afterglow of Albacon 84, the Glasgow mob has been speaking expansively of bidding for a Eurocon, a Novacon (!), a Worldcon... UPDATES: instead of the $1M+ rumoured in A39, Clarke flogged his next 2 novels for $1.10 (10 cents for SONGS OF DISTANT EARTH, $1 for 20,001: THE FINAL -- you should be so lucky -- ODYSSEY), anticipating colossal royalties. His reaction to his success in getting USSR editor V.Zakharchenko sacked (he serialized 2010 and failed to notice that ALL Russian characters are named for dissidents) is not known... CITADEL OF THE AUTARCH won the JWC memorial award... TO THE STARS will carry fiction despite preliminary ads. (SFC)... BRITAIN IN 87 pre-supports well over 600 and rising steeply... BIRTHS/MARRIAGES/DEATHS: Babies have emanated from Pat (& Graham) Charnock -- Daniel, b. 14 Oct -- and Helen (& Mike) McNabb -- Nicol, b. 17 July. Further ones are expected from Kath Mitchell (& Leroy Kettle: they got married on 20 Oct to celebrate, with J.Brosnan officiating as best man with his usual tact and taste, and a rare sighting of Peter Roberts) and Faith Brooker -- hers and Chris Evans's is bound to be fannish, the words "conceived at Mexicon" being on many lips... Deaths were many, especially in medialand (cf. Richard Burtons' posthumous appearance in 1984): most notable SF- linked obits are Walter Tevis, Aug 10, and J.B.Priestly, Aug 14... GREG BENFORD rang on 18 Oct to say he was in Britain, had just been in Moscow and was about to be in California... Judy Lawrence has been trying to flog something called THE TABBY TAROT, intended to lure fans of both cabbala and cats... Geoff Ryman topped the INTERZONE reader's poll with `The Unconquered Country', to appear ere long in book form. (Wonderful mag, they've bought one of my stories at last. THE PLAIN PEOPLE OF MORETON PINKNEY: H'm, sold out, have you?")... R.I.BARYCZ reports on the film of Bongyear's `Enemy Mine': "Wolfgang (NEVERENDING STORY) Petersen into the director's chair with enough clout to junk several megabucks' worth of film already shot. Now there is not only going to be your noble Earth Pilot & your alien in a rubber suit crash-landed, but also a young woman pilot AND (wait for it) a little boy... SPACE VAMPIRES now known as LIFEFORCE & scheduled for June 85 release. Feeble title. Something tells me it will end up as SPACE VAMPIRES by then... BUG JACK BARRON apparently to be made as a mundane, not SF, flick -- sort of Russell Harty with more teeth & charisma -- as Costa Gavras doesn't want to do skiffy. THE STARS MY DESTINATION (Bester) definitely set for Sept 85 starts at Elstree on $30M budget!" (RIB)... TRUFAN = "dedicated fan of STAR TREK", says R.Green's NEWSPEAK... ============================================================= *Hazel's Language Lessons #31: Swahili HATINAFSI (n.) used of a person taking an action without consulting anybody because he thinks they may try to persuade him not to do it. ANSIBLE 40: Dave Langford, 94 London Road, Reading, Berks, RG1 5AU, ENGLAND [Ends] ANSIBLE 41, 1984: PLEASE NOTE that this old ANSIBLE is a bit of history. Addresses may have changed (though the editor's postal address hasn't), prices and agents' credits are invalid, etc. This issue was produced in my BWP or Before-Word-Processors era and lovingly rekeyed for the archives by PAT McMURRAY ... to whom many thanks! Dave Langford, ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk, 1994. =========================================================== ANSIBLE 41 confronts the impending horrors of 1985, but not with any great effect. Still in charge: DAVE LANGFORD of 94 LONDON RD, READING, BERKSHIRE, RG1 5AU, England. Predictions of grossly inflationary subscription increases are borne out by our NEW RATES: _5_ issues for #2.00 sterling. Notes to me, cheques/money orders to ANSIBLE, Girobank transfer to a/c 24 475 4403, $3.50 US to agents Mary & Bill Burns, 23 Kensington Ct, Hempstead, NY 11550. The mysterious silence of Leigh Edmonds has delayed plans for a handy Aussie subscription rate & local address (anyone else interested?). Cartoon by ATOM, mailing labels lovingly hand-crafted on vellum by KEITH FREEMAN, last issue's collation by Chris Hughes and Andrew Stephenson -- not to mention the debut of FANG the electric stapler. Mailing label explanation: let's face it, no one ever understands or reads this bit, but the secret is to SEND MONEY unless your label says TRADE or features a number higher than 41. Date: December 1984. *** THE SMALL PRINT: BRIAN STABLEFORD is looking for cheap copies of his sf novel THE WALKING SHADOW (which did so well as to sell out completely in 7 weeks, wherupon Fontana declined to reprint) and is interested in hearing form you at 113, St Peter's Rd, Reading, Berks, RG6 1PG. HORST G. TROSTER of Escherscheimer Landstr 319, D-6000 Frankfurt/M 1, W Germany, is eager to contact anyone with tapes of the original Hitch- Hiker series with a view to p*r*cy/purchase/swap. *** HAZEL'S LANGUAGE LESSONS are real and come from real dictionaries (to assure new subscribers who've expressed Doubt). Andy Richards sends background from PAGES FROM THE BOOK OF III: A PRYDAIN GLOSSARY (TK Graphics)... `HAZEL NUTS OF WISDOM. These remarkable nuts, which enabled the eater to understand the language of animals, grew on only one hazel tree in Prydain...' No comment from Hazel. [ISSN 0265-9816] =========================================================== NOVACON 14 :: BIRMINGHAM 9-12 Nov 1984 One awesome fact loomed above all others at Novacon, and that was guest of honour Rob Holdstock's imminent change of address to 54 RALEIGH ROAD, LONDON, N.8, phone 01-348-5727. ("I'm famous," he said. "I want a big PROMINENT CoA notice, none of your mingy little duplicated bits at the back." OK, boss.) Convention sensawonder began for us in a semi-infinite, rain-lashed NEC car park. "We're late for our Contravention meeting at the exhibition hotel!" shrieked Chris Hughes, hurling Hazel and me dextrously from his car and rattling off with Jan to plot the future of Eastercons. Several monsoon seasons later we found a station, a train, Birmingham, the Grand Hotel and a closed bar (in that order). The venue change from the Royal Angus freshened the con no end, with so many more rooms in which to see the programme not happening; layout was particularly eldritch, inexplicable flights of stairs in mid-corridor and a behind-the-scenes labyrinth recalling THE NAME OF THE ROSE, One hoped short cut between floors led me after many adventures to a forbidden balcony full of lighting gear, overlooking the main hall. Merciful oblivion surrounds my Saturday morning blither, misdrafted on Wednesday while Steve Higgins duplicated millions of fanzines mere inches from the back of my neck; it was, by request, all about THE LEAKY ESTABLISHMENT and the jokes are far too classified to quote. Later, R.Holdstock confronted me: "You BASTARD," he said. "I hear your talk was so good, my GoH speech is going to be a pathetic anticlimax. I'll GET you for this..." John Brosnan, it seemed, had been cheering Rob with not wholly sincere reports of 10 minute standing ovations -- I should be so lucky. Rob's speech I rather liked; it moved from nervous fannish jokes (and declarations of true lust for Jan Huxley) to a thesis on Arthurian Myth In The Novels Of Robert P.Holdstock. A few fans' minds proved insufficiently cosmic to cope with both. I contrived to miss the `Krapton Factor' game and never discovered the nature of its dreaded food assault course (when questioned, those in the know turned delicate avocado-colour and clapped hands over their mouths). An art auction saw staggeringly colossal bids, enough to make my bank manager put on the black cap, while Pete Lyon's tatty con-clothes began somehow to look like the affectation of an eccentric millionaire. Chuck Harris, surprise revenant fan of the con, was heard to ask the cost of paint-by-numbers kits. Most soothing party: Beccon's, whose olde-worlde atmosphere revived the dying art of party chat. Most street- credible: Mexicon's, of course, with its merciless right-and- left assault of Disaster Area rock music and Agent Orange punch. (I stopped being street credible a while ago.) Best Rumour: that Bob (fake) Shaw, whose book trade is said to have diversified into porn, had arrived on his motorbike for a Novacon at the usual time and place: several hundred yards away and a week before. This, as a ghastly example of what happens when you let your ANSIBLE subscription lapse, went straight into the Too Good To Check pigeonhole. Linda Strickler James took me warmly by the throat and explained that last issue I'd been naughty, chiefly by failing to realize her Yorcon II rank of `co-ordinator' is what in lesser cons would be called `chair'. Mike Sherwood confided that Space-Ex 84's revised August Bank Holiday date was cancelled with seconds to spare, that 40 of several thousand expected fans turned up, and that the whole debacle was now `put forward' to 1986 -- oh God! Bob Shaw said he'd never buy a word processor, even as Chris Priest, far off in America, was slowly succumbing (after years of denouncing the vile machines he's bought himself an Apricot). Barry Bayley said he never worried about being remaindered, and had some more drinks while I gnashed my teeth over Arrow's perfidy (the usual: SPACE EATER remaindered, without warning, in breach of contract, and newish Arrow MD Nick Webb thinks he can smooth it over with a flabby apology -- ha!). The closing ceremony was weird. Nova awards went to Dave Wood's XYSTER as best fanzine (runners-up THIS NEVER HAPPENS and FOR PARANOIDS ONLY), D.West as fanartist (2nd Atom, 3rd Margaret Welbank) and Anne Warren as fanwriter (2nd me, 3rd tied between Mal Ashworth & Nigel Richardson). It was evident that of possible voting blocs feared by paranoids -- born- again 50s fans, 70s elitists, apas, women -- ALL had successfully manipulated the award! Huge cheers greeted the Concrete Overcoat Fan Fund presentation; detailed voting figures would appear here had proprietor Kev Clarke sent them. The Big 3, says my notebook, were Ian Sorensen (73 votes), Novacon chair Steve Green (100) and, winner with 149, Richard Bergeron. Puerto Rico being far away, Rob Hansen accepted the trophy on Richard's behalf, not without the shadow of some emotion passing over his face. Then -- controversy! Rob Holdstock having often told the committee that as GoH he wished to be fawned on by bevies of naked dancing girls, they took him approximately at his word and hired a `kissogram' greeting -- only for a rumoured Hidden Hand to pay the extra #60 for a `strippogram'. The Holdstock grin froze as things jiggled in front of it. Bob Shaw wailed his regret at having missed it all; others were less keen, and protests both verbal and written were duly delivered to the committee (doubtless very properly, though Hazel and I had the rebellious thought that when public breastfeeding and the odd bare bosom in the Fancy Dress are seemingly OK, it seemed a trifle much to express huge horror that `_children_ should be subjected to the display'. Hell, she kept her g-string on...). Subsequently one committee member dropped out of fandom, while Steve Green says he'll attend no more big cons except -- NOVACON 15 passes into the hands of Phill Probert and will cost you #7, to 32 Digby House, Colletts Grove, Kingshurst, Birmingham, B37 6JE. I rather look forward to returning to the Grand, where we had a hell of a good time. FRANKIE COMES FROM HOLLYWOOD :: NEIL GAIMAN Frank Herbert turned up for a brief press conference on the DUNE debacle -- er, film -- a few weeks ago. There were only two people there who had actually read anything he'd written -- myself, and a bald journalist in a shabby mac (yes, I know that describes most of them) who tended to ask magnificent questions like "I read DUNE the first time it came out and the thing that struck me then as indeed it seems to have struck most of the reading populace is that it's a great story, a wonderful story, I thought the way it unfolded, the way it was sustained, there was so much imagination involved in it. Later on as the years went on, I suppose people have read things into it, I suppose the same thing happened with LORD OF THE RINGS and lots of other things. The whole SF genre in general... I'm sorry I shall get to the question... is entertainment still your first priority, Mr Herbert?" Herbert: I'd feel a helluva lot more comfortable if you'd call me Frank, guys. Bald Journalist In Mac who Woffled: Er, thank you, er, Frank... Herbert: Yes it is. Next question? ... etc, etc. Mainly he said what a nice, good, great, magnificent, marvellous, fab, cool, groovy, hip, zowie-gosh film DUNE was. He also answered questions like, "As a science fiction writer, people will of course assume you are a weirdo who believes in UFOs?" Herbert: Well, I do believe in UFOs -- unidentified flying objects. Please don't hear that as anything else. Reporter: No, no, of course, understood, yes. Do you get a lot of people giggling at you because of your beliefs, being seen as a crank etc? [Visions of I HAVE SEEN THE SAUCER PEOPLE SAYS DUNE MAN headlines leaping about him.] Herbert: I don't think you entirely understood me... It might have been a livelier time if ANYBODY there had seen the film, but since it still hadn't been previewed a scant month before release date... (I think they're scared. Preview is 2 days before it goes on release!) (NG) AMAZING LITERARY REVELATIONS FROM THE USUAL MOLES BRIAN ALDISS: "Germany has just phoned to say I have won the Lasswitz award for Best Foreign Novel of `83 (HELLICONIA SPRING). The Lasswitz is the Booker Prize of Westphalia, by the way... It would have cheered you to be at the Priest pad for Halloween, where a number of magical realists told spine- chilling and gonad-warming ghost stories." (BA) JOHN BROSNAN: "Bob Shaw isn't the only one to have a `spontaneous combustion' book coming out from Granada in paperback. My own -- now called, I think, TORCHED! after originally being called SIZZLE, then THE SEARING -- will be leaving a fiery trail through the publishing firmament in mid-85. It's very different from Bob's, being a sleazy exploitation job with which I'm quite pleased. It will give a whole new meaning to the term `hot flushes'... Isn't it time you gave a plug to the sterling efforts of Harry Adam Knight, especially as his 3rd book will be out by your next issue? It is, of course called THE FUNGUS and is so disgusting that two copyeditors at Star had to be hospitalized while working on it. [So far I've been lucky and received no review copies of any HAK books. Nor invitations to the sumptuous launch parties. DRL] "Sad news from STARBURST mag -- editor Alan McKenzie has had enough and has resigned. The management threaten to change STARBURST's format and make it `more juvenile'. No need for obvious jokes like `How?' -- countless others have got there before you. But seriously, such a change will mean an end of the few intellectual bits of the mag -- Chris Evans's book review section and my column, for example. The management are waiting to see how the special GHOSTBUSTERS and GREMLINS issues do before their final decision. Even if they don't change the format they insist future issues will be in much `larger type'. A sign of the times. [Chris Evans since tells me he's got in with a pre-emptive resignation: D] "And now a gem for your collection of Great Moments From The Slushpile, from an Australian MS I was sent to read. `He gasped. "I've never seen anything like this. Even remotely. What's its form of space propulsion?" / "Yes," he said eagerly as he activated his sensor converter. / "From what I've been told, I think it will somehow overcome the laws binding the dimensions together, up to the sixth. And then, using a mix of gravity and anti-gravity, a controlled space whirlpool with the power of the big bang is formed. But in a tight beam so that only the ship which is enveloped in a special negative dimensional field, is sucked into the vortex." / "You've explained that quite well, Trisha," Jesse complemented [sic] as he walked towards the awesome ship.' "From the same MS, a classic line: `She was a fish out of water in a man's arms.' Aren't we all?" [John Brosnan -- who's only half the man Harry Adam Knight is.] MALCOLM EDWARDS: "I'd love to think that our bog has been immortalized by Tom Disch. Maybe so, but I should just point out that Gollancz didn't turn down THE BUSINESSMAN. Tom turned down our offer...Take a look at Howard Jacobson's new novel PEEPING TOM (widely praised of late). There is a character called Dr Rowland Fitzpiers, `large and dark and affable' with `heavy black brows' and a beard. He is an academic grown keen on sf, and is first seen explaining how all the great 19th century novels are really sf. He also has lots of girlfriends who are `all the ex-wives or mistresses of sf writers.' I'm sure even those of us who met Jacobson when he was best man at Peter Nicholls's and Clare Coney's wedding will realize that there are no _roman a clef_ elements in this characterization." (ME) MAXIM JAKUBOWSKY: "Being called a cretin by Peter Nicholls (A40) is, I feel, a worthwhile achievement and I now consider myself a genuine part of the Nicholls Pantheon. Seriously though, the Allen & Unwin encyclopaedia project has sold to the US at Frankfurt and as soon as all contractual matters have been finalized I shall enter a major period of commissioning." (MJ) [who like PN is doing The Encyc. of Fantasy...) IAN WATSON: "Once more into the political fray! Last night I was adopted as Labour candidate to contest the fair city of Lactodorum, more recently known as Towcester, and its surrounding demesnes, in the May County Council elections. Incumbent: a Liberal. Tory White Hope: Lord Hesketh." (IW) ARTHUR C. CLARKE's new puffsheet lists the 2010 UK film debut (9 March), and in the same month the start of an `ITV series' called ARTHUR C. CLARKE'S WORLD OF STRANGE POWERS. Egad... WILLIAM GIBSON sends a poster for Katebushcon 1 (Winnipeg, June 84); in revenge I quote his NEUROMANCER p44: "the interzone where art wasn't quite crime, crime wasn't quite art." "THE USUAL VILE LIES & SLANDER" :: MARTIN MORSE WOOSTER WORLD FANTASY CON: my spy Deep Troll reports the most thrilling scene was at the Sunday afternoon banquet. This was held at 2pm by con organizers who apparently forgot that the last southbound flight from Ottawa was scheduled at 4pm. 88 fans were booked for it, and during the banquet the crowd became strangely depopulated as they fled to avoid another night of Arctic terror; Peter Straub went so far as to disappear before a scheduled award presentation. Imagine the delighted fannish mob discovering at the airport that the flight was, alas, cancelled. More famous agents and authors apparently disgraced the airport's coffee shop than anyone would have the right to expect... AMSTERDAM IN '88? This is the goal of notorious New York fan Neil Belsky, who recently discovered the enormous subsidies given by the Dutch Minister of Culture and is planning a Netherlands Worldcon bid comprised entirely of American fans. Reportedly Kees van Toorn was approached, but Belsky is going full steam ahead, talking at endless length to anyone who will listen about thrilling plans for subsidized airfares, subsidized hotel rooms, &c. THE SAGAN WATCH: Imminent publication of Carl Sagan's famous novel CONTACT (ANSIBLE, passim) has caused numerous moles and hatchetmen to emerge from the woodwork with this vile rumour -- `C' has apparently been farmed out to a hack we will call Sci-Fi Writer X. X is to receive 10% of the gross in return for ensuring that `C' remains a credible sf novel, that the plagiarisms are kept reasonably restrained, and that the writer Deny All if asked about ghosting. Speculation abounds as to who Mr X may be, but the most likely candidate is Jerry Sohl. [1994 EDITORIAL NOTE: Mr Wooster's fantasies about Carl Sagan are included for historial completeness and should by no means be regarded as gospel.] The situation was masterminded by Simon & Schuster's Ron Busch, whose first encounter with sf came in 1976 when he was at Ballantine and Judy-Lynn del Rey rushed into his office with stills from an obscure project called STAR WARS. "We could make MILLIONS from this" Ms del Rey said. "Little girl, why don't you take your toys and go home," Mr Busch reportedly replied. "We grownups need to WORK." Del Rey proceeded to make millions from STAR WARS while Busch lost $3M on Doctorow's LOON LAKE and $1M on John Irving's THE HOTEL NEW HAMPSHIRE. The person ultimately responsible for CONTACT is none other than Francis Ford Coppola. In 1979 Mr Coppola, looking for a way to save the ailing Zoetrope Studios, discovered that sf films made zillions of dollars and proposed an sf mini- series to NBC. He reportedly thrashed about for a Big Name to attach to this to make it sell -- someone large, cosmically minded... Carl Sagan! CS agreed to participate; S&S, sensing that the Coppola/Sagan collaboration would make zillions of dollars, agreed and gave Sagan the fabled $2M contract. The Coppola floundered, dropped out, and left the world with a forthcoming novelization for a never-to-be-made Coppola movie. So it goes. (MMW) :: CYMRUCON -- 2-4 November 1984 :: DAVE WOOD has desperate fun in S. Wales: The 1984 Cardiff con has cym and gone with a massive turnout in the wake of poor advertising and the really inspired notion of running it a mere week before Novacon. Rumour has it that the fake Bob Shaw will be advising next year's committee on the benefits of holding it on the same week as Novacon 85. Sydney Jordan is to be approached... 42nd Squadron, flushed with their triumph as Seacon, were in full force, the Dez Skinn Appreciation Society swelled the audience to approx 300 (committee estimate) though to an impartial observer ie. self the place seemed deserted -- one could get TO the bar with no problem, the battle was to attract the attention of the massive bar contingent and HE always seemed to be round the back in the kitchen... Fannish-world count added up to a baker's dozen who sat bemoaning that it had All Gone wrong. GoH Ken Bulmer fought his way to the rostrum amid cheering support from an audience of 45, following committeeman Neil Burgess's rousing intro ("You all know him and so I won't waste any time introducing him," etc). Bulmer, analyzing the potential of his audience, launched into Future Sex in SF -- a serious talk, honest... By 4 pm Sat one Newport fan was seriously debating whether to stay or go home for a bath; thanks to the efforts of Martin & Katie Hoare plus quantities of Brains SA found in a variety of seedy hostelries, he was still there inebriated and unwashed on Sun afternoon, eyeing up the knickers of various females. Amazing incidents were few. The 24-hour `we won't be closing' bar had shutters down at 8.30am on Sunday, thus defeating attempts by Dave Wood, Mike Sherwood and A Certain Newport Fan to get a pre-breakfast pint. One exciting moment came when Katie H breathlessly announced she'd heard there were HOOKERS in the basement. This was greeted with a surge of apathy by all present, though for the next ten minutes male members of the party kept having to visit the loos in the basement. I found no trace of the ladies in question. Finally made my escape amid cries of `see you at Novacon' and blooded oaths that NOTHING would induce us to return to Cardiff 1-3 Nov 1985, see you there? The certain Newport fan -- initials AH -- cannot be mentioned as (following the backlash of Security Fear in fandom?) there was no sign of any checking as to who had registered for the con: this gentleman never got round to actually laying out hard cash for his scintillating weekend. He was the lucky one. (DW) *** Later, the Certain Newport Fan gloated that when he returned legless from Sat-night pub crawling an off-sober committee overcame hotel suspicions by guilelessly vouching for the CNF as a Cymrucon member. Shock horror, etc. (DRL) CONS SILICONE is a (surprise) Silicon-style event: 15-18 Feb in the Doric Hotel, Edinburgh, #4 to 191 Easter Rd, Edinburgh, EH6 8LF. If I can face the trip I might even be there... DRAGONCON 3: 27 Jan (10am-10pm) The Bull, East Sheen with Anne McCaffrey (`provisionally') & Jack Cohen. #7 to 131 Sheen Lane, London, SW14 8AE... YORCON III persists with membership said to be approaching 300 (is that all?) and a sensible proposal from Paul Oldroyd -- not wearing his committee hat -- that two-year Eastercon bidding be introduced in 1986... Beccon 85 is fully booked (ie. waiting list for accommodation) and has produced THE 1984 EUROCON PRESS REPORT, a handy 18pp A5 booklet on (basically) how author Jon Cowie press-officered Seacon 84, with hopeful 87 Worldcon tips. 75p postfree from 75 Rosslyn Ave, Harold Wood, Essex... ALBACON 85: 19-22 July, Central Hotel, Glasgow, GoH H. Ellison & A. McCaffrey. #8 to 20 Hillingdon Gdns, Cardonald Glasgow, G52 2TP... Camcon aka Unicon 6: 13-15 Sept 85, New Hall Coll, Cambridge, CB2 3QY... CONTRAVENTION, unusual among 86 Eastercon bids for not picking Glasgow as venue, has settled on the Birmingham Metropole near (but not using the hanger-like halls of) the NEC. Think I'll be voting for them -- we could certainly use a `new' Eastercon venue... (Glasgow Fandom: `Sod you, Langford.') *** TAFF bits *** A STATEMENT BY D. WEST: "As the losing candidate I wish to make it absolutely clear that I have no complaints whatsoever about either the result or the administration of the 1983/84 TAFF election. I consider that the attacks made upon the integrity of Avedon Carol as North American TAFF administrator are wholly unjustified and unjustifiable and represent nothing more solid than slurs and innuendoes arising from personal animosity and malice. To date no evidence at all has been produced to show that Avedon Carol is guilty of any wrongdoing, and I therefore call upon those concerned either to produce their proofs without further delay and equivocation or to make a full public withdrawal of their allegations. In the event that this is not speedily done I urge fans everywhere to join me in publicly condemning with the utmost severity the behaviour of Avedon Carol's attackers." (DW, 24 Oct 84) [No proofs have appeared, though the astonishingly malicious Puerto Rico fan -- whose name will no more disfigure these pages -- has indulged in further spitefulness which he calls proof but shows only his wish to hurt and wound.] Important. Vaguely connected with the above is a further attempt to use TAFF as a weapon, by Central US fans wishing to settle scores with the East and West coasts. The idea is to swamp the voting with endless write-ins for one Martha Beck (who's showed _none_ of the transatlantic interest which should be a sine qua non for candidates). Votes are being whipped up at Central US cons, by appeals to local chauvinism and efforts to stir up resentment between "con" and "fanzine " fans. If successful, this would incidentally disenfranchise British fandom altogether (cf. the Hugos) and kill TAFF -- what Brit will bother when the US block vote will always have the final word? _Please_ use the TAFF ballot with this issue. I particularly recommend the Nielsen Haydens for your vote. COA [1984 changes of address: omitted here] INFINITELY IMPROBABLE *600200# is what you type at any Prestel termianl to get to the utterly triffic Langford-edited SF news/reviews pages. Practically the first thing I did was to break the current `no political activity on Prestel' rule and isert an electronic petition form enabling everyone to protest against the sinister Treasury proposal to slap 15% VAT on books, etc. Interested fans can collect signiatures locally, to the WE ARE AGAINST VAT ON READING petition, and bung them off to Nat. Book Committee, Book House, 45 East Hill, SW18 2QX. 105 fans signed this at the December One Tun! A lot were also signing the Pickersgills' petition to `protest the use of British TAFF funds to support candidates who have no contact with or interest in British fandom' -- details from 7a Lawrence Rd, S Ealing, London, W5 4XJ... ROZ KAVENEY has resigned as Chatto & Windus SF person: `a matter of principle' after decisions to cut back SF etc were taken without consulatation while she was away in hospital... BRITAIN IN 87 has expanded with a bidding committee reshuffle -- Martin Tudor has left and several new fans have joined, including Paul Oldroyd, Chris Donaldson and Linda Pickersgill. US agent Marty Cantor reports that the opposing US bid, Phoenix in 87, `decided to convert their bid to a NASFiC bid. They are leaving their name on the Worldcon ballot but are now actively campaigning for NASFiC. Bruce Farr, bid leader, handed me a flyer announcing these intentions.' Marty further conveys that LA-Con profits look to be some $75,000, of which $250 goes to TAFF though not until R. Hansen publishes his complete report. (Ouch)... APPEALS: IAN WATSON begs `a noble Spanish-speaking soul to translate (unpaid) an essay of splendid quality on Argentinian SF of about 12,000 words for FOUNDATION. Said volunteer (please contact me via ANSIBLE) will receive eternal fame and 2 years' free sub to FOUNDATION!!' PAUL BARNETT, presuming on Hazel's and my enormous gratitude at being featured in the dedication of his new `John Grant' novel THE TRUTH ABOUT THE FLAMING GHOULIES (h'mm), is interested in testing his theory that SF fans tend not to be amateur cricket players and vice-versa. All cricket-playing ANSIBLE readers are begged to write to him (84 Wykes Rd, Exeter, EX1 2UD). No, I don't know why... JOHN PIGGOTT WRITES!! `Bloody hell -- Kettle nuptials shock! It's enough to make one glad one's sub to RISIBLE has expired. Mind you, the spectre of the forthcoming Kettle infant pales into insignificance when compared with the Piggott three (no.3 born 26 May this year, making 1 girl, 2 boys), which explains some of my continuing inactivity.' (JP)... GEORGE HAY has achieved great kudos as guest editor of the special `Applied SF' issue of SCIENCE & PUBLIC POLICY (Oct 84); its 331 pages will cost you a mere #13.60... GUFF: nominations deadline extended to the end of December. The candidates are ever-cuddly Eve Harvey and ever-cool John Jarrold (whom I seem to have nominated)... =========================================================== This fanzine supports PATRICK & TERESA NIELSEN HAYDEN for TAFF; CONTRAVENTION for Eastercon 86; and JOHN HARVEY for doing this issue's usual electrostencil. (DRL) =========================================================== HITCH-HIKER'S GUIDE -- THE MOVIE is to start filming in May with the same production team as GHOSTBUSTERS (thus D.Adams on LBC radio recently). It'll contain material from the first three books but, wisely, not the fourth... LAZLAR LYRICON (25- 27 MAy, Strathallan Hotel, Brum) is a Hitcher con costing an appalling #16.50 to 10 Bourne Parade, Bourne Rd, Bexley, Kent DA5 1LQ... THE BARYCZ FILE: `More media bits to put in'A' where they, rather than items of importance, may be obliterated by the postmark.' (Oops, I've been rumbled -- DRL) "Lucas being sued by one Lee M. Seiler of SanFran, artist/modelmaker, over creatures in EMPIRE STRIKES BACK Unfortunately he says his original drawings were destroyed in a 1979 flood and the judge won't allow substitutes as evidence. Now one of the alleged thefts is/was a `Garthian Sprinter': I remember issue 1 of UNEARTH (US SF mag, 1978) had a full-page ad for skiffy type models featuring the words `Garthian Sprinter'. Later issues had irate letters: fans sent cheques (cashed) but got no skiffy models. UNEARTH ed commiserated: ad placer hadn't paid for his ad, final demands were coming back marked `gorn away' etc. The sweet irony of it all, if it has anything to do with Mr Seiler that is... OBITS: Richard Brautigan (49) of HAWKLINE MONSTER, IN WATERMELON SUGAR and others which, like much 60s West Coast scribbling, used sf elements. Francois Truffaut (52) who directed FAHRENHEIT 451 7 appeared in CLOSE ENCOUNTERS... Spielberg writing script for POLTERGEIST II in special ink supposed to fade instantly if exposed to light from a duplicating machine. A very old one, not the new types with 0.001 sec double flash; also he seems blissfully aware of mini-cameras etc. Precaution seems excessive -- it's going to be about mobile rotting corpses of a restless disposition, everybody knows that.... Warner's being sued for $17,000,000 unpaid royalties on ET computer game and others, $14M for ET alone. Seems video game freaks don't want to spend their quarters helping ET phone home, they'd much rather kill quadrillions of little green wogs... R. Corman does his CONAN THE BARBARELLIAN 2 ripoff with something called THE WARRRIOR & THE SORCERESS with a full page ad of David Carradine taking his sword to the tentacles of an octopus plant. Assume he's the Warrior & it's the Sorceress he's busy rescuing from this affectionate piece of vegetation. She'll be tricky to cast. The ad shows she has to have four tits." (R.I. Barcyz)... SERIOUS SCIENCE: Bob Shaw's 1982-84 Eastercon speeches are now available: #1 (#1.50 signed) from Eve Harvey, 43 Harrow Rd, Carshalton, Surrey, SM5 3QH, or -- since this is to fund a Shaw visit to Aussiecon -- Marc Ortlieb in Australia. Learn why `near Basingstoke there is a pond full of newts which bear an uncanny resemblance to Dave Langford'... JOHN W. CAMPBELL'S COLLECTED LETTERS -- George Hay exults over vol. 1 of this many-year project, now in proof from Perry Chapdelaine (USA)... D. LANGFORD loses further street credibility, flogs poem to AMAZING, hopes no one will notice. =========================================================== Hazel's Language Lessons #32: Sinhalese AKSHAUHINI: a complete army consisting of 109350 foot, 65610 horse, 21870 chariots and 21870 elephants. ATURA: tying cocoanut trees together from the top, to enable toddy drawers to walk from one tree to another without descending when they are extracting toddy. MIYURU: peacock; liquorice; frog ANSIBLE 41 from 94 London Road, Reading, Berkshire, England, RG1 5AU. Dec 1984 ANSIBLE 42, 1985: PLEASE NOTE that this old ANSIBLE is a bit of history. Addresses may have changed (the editor's postal address hasn't, but ignore old e-mail addresses), prices and agents' credits are invalid, etc. Dave Langford, ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk, 1993. ============================================================= ANSIBLE 42 is the ultimate answer to ... well, it must have been a pretty bloody stupid question. Other such questions are: who edits it? (Dave Langford, 94 London Road, Reading, Berks, RG1 5AU, UK). What is it? (A: a tasteful SF newsletter bringing you the latest edifying information from SFWA etc. B: a loathsome and far too infrequent scandal-sheet wallowing in all manner of moral decay. C: Hold Over Funds.) How can its unfortunate addicts get their almost regular fix of 5 more issues? (A: #2 cash/cheque/money order to ANSIBLE at the editorial address. B: Girobank transfer to a/c 24 475 4403. C: $3.50 US to Mary & Bill Burns, 23 Kensington Ct, Hempstead, NY 11550, USA. D: $4A to Irwin Hirsh -- our NEW AUSSIE AGENT -- 279 Domain Rd, S.Yarra, Vic 3141, changing in April to 2/416 Dandenong Rd, North Caulfield, Vic 3161, Australia. E: Don't know.) Who did the cartoons? (A: Alexis Gilliland. B: A very clever Alexis Gilliland parodist.) And the mailing labels? (A: Keith Freeman. B: But really Keith Freeman's tame computer. C: But really the long-suffering tax-payer via long-suffering educational budgets....) And the collation? (A: William T.Goodall and Alison Haston last issue. B: Dunno who this issue. C: You mean like a cold collation?) What does LASTISH 43 mean? (A: Your subscription runs out next issue. B: At least it didn't say SUB DUE, meaning you ran out THIS issue. C: It says *****? Buy, you really are in trouble. Better not to ask.) Why is this issue so late, then? (A: No award. B: Conservative. C: March 1985. D: Don't know. E: Hazel's Language Lesson was contributed by famous Nigel E. Richardson.) Can I phone you on 0734 665804? (A: No. B: Pardon?) What's happened to the typeface this issue? (A: Rampant technophilia. B: Laziness. C: A new Apricot PC. D: Chris Priest. E: Pangolin Systems Ltd. F: Most of the above.) Why? (A: Why not?) ============================================================= PRIEST FILM TERROR Having mastered his new word processor to the extent of a 12,000 word short called `The Ament', Chris deliriously reports: "THE GLAMOUR has sold film rights to Lawrence Schiller, who produced and directed THE EXECUTIONER'S SONG, and who is currently making PETER THE GREAT. When asked for his reaction to the news, Mr Priest said, `I'm over the parrot, John'... `The Ament' is appearing in a book called THE SEVEN DEADLY SINS (Severn House, May). The sin I was encouraged to write about was Anger. I requested Random Violence, but this was not on the list. I was disappointed to be reminded that Sloth is a deadly sin, since I have always seen great virtue in this. (PS: The writer who wrote about Sloth was late delivering...) I'm currently in negotiation with Channel 4 over a one-hour television play." (CP) HARRY HARRISON RAVES AGAIN "I been misquoted -- the McCaffrey item [in A39?] was not my imagination or mad ravings -- but FACTS from an INTERVIEW in an Irish paper. Print instant correction, ANSIBLE, or I'll get Harlan's lawyer to SUE you!" (HH) SCOOP REVIEW -- well, it would have been if I'd published in December. Jaded, youth-worn Michael Ashley reports: "Hanging around a street corner in Balham jeering at passers-by, I was deemed by a passing Market Researcher to be a member of the general public and given a free ticket to a preview of MORONS FROM OUTER SPACE, 1985 release. I went. It's a comedy about some aliens who crashland on the M1, the comedy stemming from the fact that the aliens are utterly non-alien. (Sample humour: hanging in the cockpit of their spaceship are two furry dice.) I stayed an hour before walking out so I don't know much of the plot. During this hour I laughed 3 times (one good joke: guy in space helmet clearly going to sneeze and looks desperate. Finally can't hold it, sneezes violently. Result: space helmet splattered with green gob). The audience wetted themselves uncontrollably at every joke, so it's probably a safe bet to take your drippy girl/boyfriend on a Friday night if there's nothing else on. Interesting to note that the makers wouldn't dare make jokes about race or sex for fear of getting their Arts Council Grant cut off, yet still wring a few jokes from the mentally ill. Laugh? Well, some people did..." (MA) RAMSEY CAMPBELL CHANGES NAME TO RAMSEY CAMPBELL "When I came into fandom it was quite a good joke for the Liverpool Group to claim John Campbell as a member, but it's been a good few years since then. In the interim I've grown to dislike being called by the forename, so I've had my solicitor rid me of it once and for all." (RC) WOOSTERGRAM "DOUGLAS ADAMS roared through Washington recently, pausing to catch his breath and hawk the Hitchhiker computer game and THE MEANING OF LIFF to some 500 glazed and scruffy students at the U of Maryland. He revealed that, yes, there will be at least one more Hitcher novel but insisted that there will NOT be any Hitchhiker's toilet paper. Adams also reported that the long- awaited movie was still in progress, and mentioned a peculiar occupational hazard which only afflicts writers in his tax bracket: `I had problems with the script, so the producers put my proposal on the shelf and made another movie you might have heard of -- GHOSTBUSTERS. So now every time I step into the producer's office, I have to dodge large piles of cash.' Would that we all had Mr Adams's problems. "DUNE had its world premiere in Washington (3 Dec), and all the world, or at least all of fandom, was there. Your correspondent fulfilled his fantasies of being Tom Wolfe by showing up in a white tuxedo. The stars were present, including Dino de Laurentiis, director David Lynch, vacuously handsome lead Kyle McLachlan, surprisingly aged Francesca Annis, and of course such vastly more important people as Ted White, whose tuxedo was surprisingly clean, and the renowned Avedon Carol, who wore a dress for the second time in recorded history. `I KNOW things about you,' she said to me before slinking back into the shadows. "Frank Herbert subsequently proved his rank of Sci Fi megastar by being invited to a White House state dinner, where he told any illiterate hack who would hear him that `There's a lot of metaphor in my book.' Producer Rafaella de Laurentiis was more effusive: `DUNE is the story of a charismatic leader. Ronald Reagan is a charismatic leader.' Oh. What will Joseph Nicholas say? "ARTHUR C.CLARKE, perhaps wondering if Herbert would rise above megastar status to become (gasp!) a Dean of SF, rushed about giving 5,271,009 interviews about 2010: THE SEQUEL. In an interview he maintained that he was far more than a well paid Del Rey hack: `People ask me, do you work for NASA? And I tell them, of course not, NASA works for me.' "TOM DISCH is making a video of `Pyramids for Minnesota'. The producer is... my brother-in-law, Steve Meyer. Sci-fi lives!" (Martin Morse Wooster) BSFA CENSORSHIP FUN Monthly BSFA pub meetings developed a hiccup when the formerly hospitable King of Diamonds pub announced without prior warning that the society was to be banned for filthy practices, such as mentioning CND. Mighty organizer Judith Hanna issued a "shocked" press release, spurring CITY LIMITS mag to interview the KoD landlord: "It's not political," he wailed, "they don't spend enough. And they have things from Greenpeace and Save the Seals which isn't science fiction." Like listening to the old Norwich lot saying "It's not right, you drink and have fun, which isn't SF..." Judith's replacement venue is the Troopers Arms, Flood St (convenient for Sloane Square but nowhere else): check first on 01-821- 8627. 1984/5 TAFF RESULTS Congrats to Patrick & Teresa Neilsen Hayden, whose simple majority victory is detailed in the attached thingy from UK administrator Rob "Full of beans" Hansen. P&TNH's flyer TAFFLUVIA reports a US kitty of $4417.82 (gosh), mentions that they'll be here from 29 March to 14/21 April, and offers an "open, publicly accountable forum" for discussion of TAFF -- possibly alluding to a current US "open forum" which soothed British fears about That Midwestern Campaign (A41) by censoring all references to it in the letters published. (Interesting to see that the divisive campaign defeated itself: horrified reactions swelled voting to a record level.) I gather there'll be a meeting at Yorcon at which all views on TAFF may be aired... And now a titbit for those who persevered through the boring parts: TAFF wars having fostered Avedon's and Rob's romance (those who noted their extremely occasional and exhausted appearance at Albacon II may find other words springing to mind), Carol/Hansen nuptials are definitely scheduled! Avedon's early hopes of getting married in some noted fannish home, with D.West officiating, has fortunately been scuppered by British law... WELL, WE HAVE TO MENTION DUNE Instant movie review from Avedon: "Great camera work, fine cast, terrific sets -- actors underutilized. I had to look away from the screen during the scene with the Baron. And when I did I saw the rest of the audience looking away from the screen. The beginning drags: as Ted White put it, `They followed the book -- to a fault.' I think they could have omitted a lot of that expository sand. But the food at the reception was great." (AC) Biggest laughs at the UK press preview were at the inadequately prefigured line "Your water will mingle with ours" and, in the scene alluded to above, "It is a pleasure to prick your boils, my lord." I admired the way that subtle Voice training became a vocal kung-fu rapidly taught to recruits (shout at rocks and make them shatter, etc), while the long-term ecological stuff was neatly sidestepped by having God signal the goodies' victory by laying on a miraculous rainstorm. Gawd. (DRL) R.I.Barycz adds: "It's almost DUNE from the Baron's point of view, that's where the director's sympathies lay, not with them dumb Atreides and their mewling brats. Insufferably noble the lot of them, whereas the Baron floats around being wicked and enjoying himself hugely despite suffering from a fashionable case of AIDS (or acne) and overindulgence in the good things of life, like wet male flower arrangers in clingy cheesecloth. Puts his nephews quite in the shade he does -- well, one of them can only bully dwarfs and the other's so shy he takes a bath in his winged jockstrap..." (RIB) C.O.A JUSTIN ACKROYD, GPO Box 2708X, Melbourne, Vic 3001, Australia :: WILLIAM & JANE BAINS, c/o 100 Galley Lane, Arkley, Barnet, Herts, EN5 4AL :: CATHY BALL, 1812 Vine, Norman, OK 73069, USA :: PETER COHEN, c/o Broadside, Admiral's Walk, London, NW3 6RS :: RAMSEY CAMPBELL, 31 Penkett Rd, Wallasey, L45 7QF :: JONATHAN COLECLOUGH, 13 Queens Cottages, Reading, RG1 4BE :: LILIAN EDWARDS, 72 Gordon Rd, Finchley, London, N.3 :: WILLIAM T.GOODALL & ALISON HASTON, oh god I've lost the new address, can someone help? :: ALUN HARRIES, 42 Stelvio Pk Dr, Newport, Gwent, NP9 3EJ (nay, stare not so, it's the postcode that's changed) :: MELVYN HUNTLEY, 23 Borley Rd, Creekmoor, Poole, Dorset, BH17 7DT :: PHIL JAMES, 57 Icknield Close, Ickleford, Hitchin, Herts, SG5 3TE :: RUSSELL PARKER, 2/37 Elizabeth St, Toowong, Queensland 4066, Australia :: JOAN PATERSON, see Tibs :: MIKE & DEB ROHAN, 46 Vesper La, Leeds, LS5 3NR :: JOYCE SCRIVNER, 3212-C Portland Ave S, Minneapolis, MN 55407, USA :: MATT SILLARS, 2 High St, Nairn, IV12 4BJ :: AL SIROIS, 72 Hubinger St, New Haven, CT 06511, USA :: KEVIN & DIANA SMITH, 33 Derbyshire Rd, Sale, Cheshire, M33 3FD (another postcode change) :: PETER SMITH, 262 Rochford Gdns, Slough, Berks, SL2 5XW :: HELEN STARKEY (again!), 91 Mexfield Road, Putney, London, SW.15 :: DAN STEFFAN has moved: dunno where :: CHARLES STROSS, 22 Pk Ave, Leeds, LS8 2JH (non-COA: "ignore spurious address in Cassandra") :: SUE THOMASON, Merioneth Press, Unit 4, Marian Mawr Industrial Estate, Dollgellau, Gwynedd, LL40 :: TIBS, see Joan Paterson (oh, all right, 59 Brookfields, Cambridge, CB1 3NZ) :: HUBBARD FUNNIES Awestruck Brian Earl Brown reports that "El Ron's group is running a contest over various radio stations, with the prize a bit part in the movie BATTLEFIELD EARTH. Some people will do anything to get into pictures..." Kev Smith had "a shock when looking for a nice quiet read of an accountancy magazine": ACCOUNTANCY AGE (7 Feb) ran a vast photo of BATTLEFIELD clutched by smirking Trev D'Cruz (who started Quadrant Books chiefly to publish the thing)... 1984 BSFA AWARDS Mike Moir sends the final ballot. NOVEL: EMPIRE OF THE SUN (Ballard), NIGHTS AT THE CIRCUS (Carter), NEUROMANCER (Gibson), MYTHAGO WOOD (Holdstock), THE GLAMOUR (Priest). SHORT: `The Object of the Attack' (Ballard), `Unmistakably the Finest' (Bradfield), `Spiral Winds' (Kilworth), `The Unconquered Country' (Ryman), `The Man Who Painted the Dragon Griaule' (Shepard). MEDIA: THE COMPANY OF WOLVES, DUNE, NINETEEN EIGHTY FOUR, STAR TREK III, THE TRANSMIGRATION OF TIMOTHY ARCHER (as played at Mexicon). ARTIST: Jim Burns, Peter Jones, Ian Miller, Bruce Pennington, Tim White. "SEX AUTHOR SLAMS VAT ON BOOKS" ...was reportedly the modest headline surmounting Oxford STAR coverage when "well known sex author Brian Aldiss" protested plans (A41: now scrapped?) to tax books and magazines at 15%. Will this revelation boost sales of the filthy HELLICONIA WINTER? Or of his lewd essay collection THE PALE SHADOW OF SCIENCE, being produced by Jerry Kaufman for Westercon (120pp hc, 500 copies, $10.75 post free from JK, 4326 Winslow Pl N, Seattle, WA 98103)... Brian's buddy Ian Watson is also big news, with his council election campaign against Lord Hesketh (Con): "Extremely miniature headline in the TOWCESTER & BRACKLEY POST: SPACEMAN WILL TAKE ON LORD H." (IW) BORING OLD NEBULAS The final Nebula ballot for 1984 work has the following cosmic items (all British stuff having been mercifully eliminated in earlier stages)... NOVEL: FRONTERA (Shiner), THE INTEGRAL TREES (Niven), JOB (Heinlein) THE MAN WHO MELTED (Dann), NEUROMANCER (Gibson -- favourite, with 50% more nominations than no.2), THE WILD SHORE (KS Robinson). NOVELLA: `The Greening of Bed-Stuy' (Pohl), `Narrow Death' (Swanwick), `Press Enter ` (Varley), `A Traveler's Tale' (Shepard), `Trinity' (Kress), `Young Dr Eszterhazy' (Davidson). NOVELETTE: `Bad Medicine' (Dann), `Bloodchild' (Butler), `The Lucky Strike' (KS Robinson), `The Man Who Painted the Dragon Griaule' (Shepard), `St Theresa of the Aliens' (Kelly), `Trojan Horse' (Swanwick). SHORT: `The Aliens Who Knew, I Mean, EVERYTHING' (Effinger), `A Cabin on the Coast' (Wolfe), `The Eichmann Variations' (Zebrowski), `Morning Child' (Dozois), `Salvador' (Shepard), `Sunken Gardens' (Sterling). COMINGS & GOINGS KATH MITCHELL & LEROY KETTLE announce a side effect of their fanac, called Jennifer, as of 16 Feb. LISANNE NORMAN writes: "Stuart and I now have a little boy. He was born on 11 Feb and he's called Kai -- as in King Arthur's foster brother." (Can't imagine why I expected him to be named John.) CORAL & ROB JACKSON'S Xmas card bore the cryptic PS "No.2 expected in July", possibly a reference to INCA. CLARE CONEY'S & PETER NICHOLLS'S first tiny collaboration has a tentative October publication date. IPC, it's shyly whispered, may be gravid with plans for a new SF magazine, and the Norwegian NOVA (no relation to British or Swedish mags) is launched this spring -- Cato Sture, Plantv. 10, N-9020 Tromsdalen, Norway. But OMNI UK went the way of all flesh before reaching the Second Trial Issue promised for 29 Nov: commissioned contributions would be paid for, reported editor Jon Chambers from the deathbed, but no one's seen any actual money... ALEXIS GILLILAND slipped on ice and broke his leg (17 Jan) but hopes to transcend his plastered state (8 Mar) and perhaps visit Britain (late June)... WALDEMAR KUMMING suffered a bad heart attack in late 1984, but is recovering well. William & Jane Bains's baby daughter CATRIONA died last year, her condition from birth having been such that this was in the nature of a merciful release. FRANCOIS TRUFFAUT, director of FAHRENHEIT 451 etc and featuring in CLOSE ENCOUNTERS, died last October. R.I. Barycz writes: "OBIT SAM PECKINPAH, well known for flix treating the human body as what it actually is, viz. a soft bag of flesh filled with red fluid under high pressure that leaks in spectacular and messy fashion when perforated by bullets, knives, etc. Thanks to his pioneering work, if you now have a flick in which the hero in a white shirt is hit at close range in the chest with a .45 he does not just go `ow' and fall stainlessly forward. Wot has this to do with skiffy? Nothing, save that according to VARIETY Peckinpah rewrote (without credit) INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS -- the original, not the feeble remake -- and also appeared in it in a cameo. He wanted to make SOMETHING WICKED THIS WAY COMES but it came to nothing." (RIB) CONVENTION CALENDAR YORCON III, 5-8 Apr, Dragonara & Queens Hotels, Leeds: 36th Eastercon, GoH Greg Benford, FGoH Linda Pickersgill. #10 att to 45 Harold Mt, Leeds, LS6 1PW (#12 at door); last minute queries 12 Fearnville Tce, Leeds, LS8 3DU. Low registrations suggest there's still time to book: PR3 announces cheap rail fares (Persil tickets are cheaper still) and beer (75p for Dragonara fizz, less for real stuff in Queens). PARCON 85, 26-28 Apr, Pardubice, Czechoslovakia. Info: Anhaltova 41/987, 169 00 Prague 6, Czech. GOCON III, 3-5 May, Gothenburg, Sweden. Info: Bjorcksgatan 36 B, S-416 52 Goteborg, Sweden. #7 approx. SOL III, 3-6 May, Adelphi Hotel, Liverpool: 19th official UK Trekcon, GoH Mark Lennard, Lisa Tuttle, James White. Info: 39 Dersingham Ave, Manor Park, London, E12 5QF. ITALCON XI, 23-26 May, Fanano, Italy. Info: Via San Pietro 5, I-16035 Rapallo, Italy. Brian Aldiss announces that this will be preceded by the WORLD SF ANNUAL MEETING, 21-22 May. WSF liaison: Patrizia Thiella, Corso Italia 32, I-21047 Saronno, VA. Italy. LAZLAR LYRICON, 25-27 May, Strathallan Hotel, Birmingham: Hitchercon. #16.50 (blimey) to 10 Bourne Parade, Bourne Rd, Bexley, Kent, DA5 1LQ. COLONIACON, 15-16 Jun, Koln, Germany. Info: Reiher Weg 1, D-5000 Koln 30, West Germany. NASACON 6, 6-7 Jul, Stockholm, Sweden. Info: Maskinistgatan 9 ob, S-117 47 Stockholm, Sweden. #4 approx. ALBACON 85, 19-22 Jul, Central Hotel, Glasgow: Glasgow's 10th con, GoH Harlan Ellison, Anne McCaffrey. #8 att to 20 Hillingdon Gdns, Cardonald, Glasgow, G52 2TP. "We really and truly honestly do have Ellison and McCaffrey for Albacon 85... both have confirmed in writing... Albacon 84 has finally been wound up and the following donations made: Shaw Fund #50, Head Appeal #200." (O.Dalgliesh) BECCON 85, 26-28 Jul, Basildon, Essex: GoH Richard Cowper. Info: 191 The Heights. Northolt, Middlesex, UB5 4BU. Waiting list for hotel (full up); day memberships OK. BARCON 85, 9-11 Aug, Berlin. Info: INCOS e.v. Goltzstr. 35, D-1000 Berlin 30, Germany. SWECON, 15-18 Aug, Stockholm: GoH Lisa Tuttle, Chris Priest. Address: as Nasacon. "Continental Hotel, central Stockholm. Room prices ca. #45 for a double (and that is considered cheap here); memberships ca. #14 (but the committee usually want interesting foreigners to be special guest stars etc, which means free or half-price membership). One PR in English, two in Swedish." (A.Engholm) CAMCON, 13-15 Sept, New Hall Coll, Cambridge. #7 att, rooms #16.10/person/night. C/o N.Taylor, Perspective Design Ltd, Top Floor, 9 Pembroke St, Cambridge, CB2 3QY. MILFORD WRITERS' CONFERENCE [UK], 22-28 Sept, Compton Hotel, Milford-on-Sea, Hants. Info: Lisa Tuttle, me. EUROCON 85, 1-6 Oct, Riga, USSR. No further data. BENELUXCON 85, 26-27 Oct, Hotel Nieuw Minerva, Leiden, Netherlands. GoH Annemarie van Ewyck. Info: Postbus 1189, 8200 BD Lelystad, Netherlands. NOVACON 15, 1-3 Nov, De Vere Hotel, Coventry: GoH Dave Langford, James White. (Gosh!) #7 att to 86 Bearwood Farm Rd, Wylde Green, Sutton Coldfield, Birmingham, B72 1AG. CYMRUCON 85, 1-3 Nov *groan*, Centre Hotel, Cardiff. Bossperson Neil Burgess mutters of skipping '86 and shifting to a less crowded time of year in '87. Info: none yet. MEXICON 2, 7-9 Feb 86, said to be in the Strathallan Hotel, Birmingham: #9 att to 24a Beech Rd, London, N.11. BALLCON, 3-6 Jul 86, Zagreb: thus Krsto Mazuranic's name and hoped date for Eurocon 86. FGoH Roelof Goudriaan. GoH uncertain ("expected VIPs: Moebius, Giger, Brothers Strugatski, Dumarest..."). Info: c/o SFera, Ivanicgradska 41a, 4100 Zagreb, Yugoslavia. CONFEDERATION, 28 Aug - 1 Sept 86, is the 44th Worldcon, in Atlanta, Georgia, USA. GoH Ray Bradbury, Terry Carr, toastmaker Bob Shaw. I'm mysteriously short of info on the increased 1985 fees, as is UK agent Colin Fine (205 Coldham's Lane, Cambridge, CB1 3HY): ask him for the latest. WORLDCON BIDS: BRITAIN IN 87 has published a PR Zero dated Dec 84 (coff coff). Presupporters approaching 700: rush your #1 or $2 to 28 Duckett Rd, London, N4 1BN, whence a fiver will also bring you a white/grey/red/blue/yellow bid t-shirt with Jim Barker design (state small, med, large, enormous). USA: $10 to Marty Cantor, 11565 Archwood St, N.Hollywood, CA 91606. Phoenix (AZ) remains technically in the running for 1987 but has ceased to campaign for the Worldcon. 1988: New Orleans is bidding; for Yugoslavia, Krsto Mazuranic says "RSN there's going to be issued a statement on whether the Bid will resume its active life and speed ahead towards victory; or whether it will regroup for 1990; or whether it's dead and haunting the culprit for its demise." 1990 will be impossibly tough for non-US bids: LA-Con has published a breakdown of its $194,000 surplus, of which a full $20,000 is reserved for 1990 bidding. (Other big chunks: $65K to reimburse con workers and speakers, $10K to aircondition Los Angeles SF Soc HQ; $10K to bail out ConStellation, $3K to TAFF, DUFF & GUFF [six $500 chunks, payable on production of completed trip report], $2K to Aussiecon, $65K uncommitted, etc.) 1992: New York committee in formation. (F770) THE OBLIGATORY DAVID GARNETT PUFF "GARNETT: a lone hero desperately battling for survival in a stark, chilling world where any friend may be a traitor and every precarious moment of life may be the last..." [And that's just his letterhead: DRL.] "You know this idea about the BBC showing adverts -- as usual, I'm ahead of my time. They are advertising my latest publication every week. It's called THE PICKWICK PAPERS, which ties in with the tv serial on Sundays. Can't really call it a novelization, as it's only around 18,000 words. Maybe a noveletization. It's based on an old book by some other bloke, but at 900 pages who would buy the original? And my version is packed with stills from the serial." (DG) OUR MAN WITH THE POPCORN: MORE R.I.BARYCZ "Lucasfilm talking with Disney World about setting up a Lucasworld at EPCOT by 1988. Somehow I don't think there'll be any more SW films. Lucas is taking the short money: the Ewok movie, Lucasworld and now two animated features for the Ewoks and R2D2 and C3PO... Leonard Nimoy has got his star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame... Paul Maslansky who made POLICE ACADEMY is to make Asimov's PIRATES OF THE ASTEROIDS with Zoran `I made Superman fly' Peristic for the SFX. #8M budget ($ rather -- ah, the bliss of parity)... "By now Holdstock will have phoned you at three in the morning with the news that he's doing the Penguin novelization of John Boorman's THE EMERALD FOREST, which film is to have its premiere at Cannes this year and which VARIETY deems a scifantasy feature but which I recall as your everyday tale of a juvenile South American kidnapped by Amazon headhunters and brought up as one of themselves in something not a million miles from Tarzan. Said juvenile played by Boorman's own son: publicity pic of him squatting ferocious in warpaint, feathers, poison darts and Gucci loincloth rises unbidden in the memory..." (RIB) Big Rob will now say a few words: "I worked really hard on that book, I spent months of my life making it a real novel, not just a novelization, a book with my very soul written deeply into it, and ten fucking American publishers bounced it SIGHT UNSEEN because they don't like Boorman... argh!" (RPH) INFINITELY IMPROBABLE CHEAP TRUTH GOES SILICON: the appalling Texan samizdat zine has expanded as "the world's first on-line SF fanzine... SMOF- BBS is accessible at 300 baud through modems anywhere on the planet. Plug in and call 512-UFO-SMOF." (512-836-7663 for those of us with all-figure dials.) Look, punks, the world's first on-line fanzine was and is Starlight SF on Micronet: Prestel page *600200, mailbox 733631000. Mine, all mine! BBC HORROR: the Beeb's decision to suspend STAR TREK ("we said we'd rerun them all, but not when") and axe DR WHO ("too expensive") generated several billion responses in mere days to an electronic petition put on-line by sensuous Starlight media editor Barbara Conway. TRIALS OF WINDHAVEN is now announced by Corgi as "No.6 in this sexy historical saga with series sales now approaching 5 million." Hadn't realized George Martin & Lisa Tuttle had switched to this obvious pseudonym ("Marie de Jourlet")... CRIES FOR HELP: LISANNE NORMAN wants volunteers for an undescribed Beccon costume piece -- "we especially need anyone going who has a Motor Bike." (Or a goat.) 22 Wakefield Rd, Norwich, NR5 8JE. JOHN BOARDMAN (writes Ethel Lindsay), wants the UK edition of the "Trivial Pursuit" game and offers the US version in exchange (234 E 19th St, Brooklyn, NY 11226). MALCOLM HODKIN "will forego major parts of his anatomy in easily negotiable currency to anyone who can provide him with Firesign Theatre recordings: 45c South St, St Andrews, Fife, KY16 9QR". (BORING VOICE OF PUB LANDLORD: "This isn't SF, get out of here.") YO-HO-HO: imagine Mike Rohan's surprise and delight at finding his "The Insect Tapes" reprinted in an Octopus collection imaginatively titled 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY. Seems the initial publishers David & Charles resold the rights, pocketed the money and hoped Mike wouldn't notice. DUNEGATE is the latest, thrillingly boring US fanfeud. Was it vile abuse of power when the Gillilands, marking a Washington SF Assoc membership list at the request (one hour's notice) of Those Who Distribute Free DUNE Tickets, neglected several famously prestigious authors I've never heard of? Surveying irate flyers, ad hominem assaults and alternative "protest" WSFA meetings, ANSIBLE has little hesitation in saying ZZZZZZ... OFFICIAL MICHAEL MOORCOCK SOCIETY: $10/year US/Canada, $15 elsewhere, to A.Pool, 321 Kenilworth, Memphis, TN 38112, USA. Can British interest in MM be so sparse that it's not worth having an agent here? STRANGE EGOBOO: something called RAT 2080 has arrived, Serbo-Croat version of my first book, and I must say it looks just triffic; as Vincent Omniaveritas wrote to me, there's a quality in a good translation that you can never quite capture with the original. Meanwhile, trying to make me feel good, Cathy Ball writes: "I do enjoy ANSIBLE. But then I enjoyed the PATCHIN REVIEW." Um. SPACE OPERA: world premiere of MARRIAGES BETWEEN ZONES 3, 4 AND 5, opera version, on 10/11 April, 8pm, Palace Theatre, Duke's Rd, WC.1 -- bookings 01-387 0031. Sounds nearly as exciting as TRACTATUS LOGICO-PHILOSOPHICUS: THE MOVIE... NEW YEAR SCANDAL: which glamorous Harrow author was seen locked in, er, deep editorial discussion with which SF CHRONICLE reporter and BFS leading light at the Edwards/Atkinson New Year party? Shame on you, expecting us to answer that. WORLD WAR III SAFE -- OFFICIAL! "We must get rid of the idea that such a war would destroy all life on Earth... the planet would recover very quickly... the southern hemisphere would not be involved and would not be damaged...." Thus Michael Allaby's 2040: OUR WORLD IN THE FUTURE (Gollancz, March 85). Invited to comment on this dazzling presentation of current "nuclear winter" theories, hero Gollancz editor and CND stalwart Malcolm Edwards said, "Er um well, nothing to do with me, boss...." FOREST J.ACKERMAN offers $100 reward to the coiner of a suitable term to describe sleazy, exploitative pseudo-SF of a medioid nature (SFC). You may have thought one existed, but FJA desperately wants his own coinage "sci-fi" to be rehabilitated. Too late, mate.... GUFF, SEFF: races are under way and ballots are enclosed where postage permits. Cool, streetwise Eve Harvey and huggable John Jarrold are contending for a trip to Aussiecon; little-known Hans-Jurgen Mader and even littler-known Steve Green have sights set on Swecon 85.... RIOTS IN FIFE -- Malcolm Hodkin reports. "Just recovering from a visit by Jim Barker and Ian Sorensen. They popped over to give the first, and by the sounds of it not the last, performance of a fannish pantomime they called `Fandarella'. This was mainly an excuse to throw apple and pork pies into the faces of the St Andrews SF Society, but we showed 'em! By skilfully not telling them anything about it we were able to devastate our guests and the audience with our own brand of humour, turning a simple but weak ending into a simple and messy bloodbath. The Magnum 4.4 is, you know, the most powerful cap pistol in the world, and it shoots twelve shots so most punks are unlacing their shoes when you finally get around to popping the question: `Well, punk. Did I shoot eleven, or was it twelve? Make my day, punk!' Yet more hapless proles were forced into obtaining Albacon memberships, whilst Barker tried to sell Siliclone to a bunch of not-even-neos. It could make you cry, or even support Contravention." (MH) I'm glad Fifeshire's a long way away.... AUSSIECON: Jean Weber begs fanzines for display or sale at the 85 Worldcon fanroom. Rush all your old, cast-off ANSIBLEs to GPO Box 2708X, Melbourne, Vic 3001. CHARLES PLATT MARRIED: On 19th January 1985. In New York presumably. That's as much as he's telling.... HAZEL'S LANGUAGE LESSONS NO.33: KURDISH [from Nigel E.Richardson] BERDIRKANE party given on occasion of wearing a new suit of clothes for the first time. BINESK what remains of a tablet of soap when it is nearly used up. KINGEXISHKE self-propulsion along the ground on one's buttocks. ANSIBLE 42 from DAVE LANGFORD 94 LONDON ROAD READING BERKSHIRE ENGLAND RG1 5AU [ADDENDUM typed at bottom of Ansible Fan Poll ballot] LAST BITS ### CON CALENDAR: addenda. Confederation sends current rates, to rise again in August: $25 supporting, $45 attending, $25 att if you voted in 1986 site selection at LA- Con. Worldcon bids not mentioned: Boston in 89, St Louis and Columbus-Cincinnati (i.e. a Cincinnati bid by Columbus fandom) in 88. Aussiecon PR3 contains a Phoenix in 87 bid -- for, as promised, not the Worldcon but the North American substitute event (NASFiC) held when Worldcons come to e.g. Britain. Aussiecon membership 1365 as of Feb.... PATCHIN REVIEW RIP: final issue of shit-stirring Plattzine to hand, offering subscribers a chance to convert subs to `Ansible, an irreverant, amusing British monthly' [sic] -- good old Charles, sarcastic to the last.... SUPPORT YORCON NOW, DAMMIT: `Yorcon is pretty close to broke, already....' (Tom Shippey) ENCYCLOPAEDIAS OF FANTASY: both Maxim Jakubowski's and Peter Nicholls's delayed by US sale setbacks.... FURRY GLOVES, WOOLLY HAT left at our New Year party: owner please claim.... CREDITS to A.Stephenson (stencils) and C.Suslowicz (paper).... HIBBERT/CONNOR SCANDAL: damn! no room. ANSIBLE 43, 1985: PLEASE NOTE that this old ANSIBLE is a bit of history. Addresses may have changed (the editor's postal address hasn't, but ignore old e-mail addresses), prices and agents' credits are invalid, etc. Dave Langford, ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk, 1993. ============================================================= ANSIBLE 43 MAY/JUNE 1985 ISBN 0265-9816 Further misrepresentation from DAVE LANGFORD, 94 LONDON ROAD, READING, BERKSHIRE, RG1 5AU, UK. Subscriptions: 5 issues may be effortlessly obtained by sending me #2 in sterling notes (I have given no thought whatever to the imminent phasing out of the pound note); cheques/money orders to ANSIBLE; Girobank transfer to a/c 24 475 4403; $3.50 to hero US agents Mary & Bill Burns (23 Kensington Ct, Hempstead, NY 11550); $4A to dynamic Aussie agent Irwin Hirsh, 2/416 Dandenong Rd, North Caulfield, Vic 3161. Other ways to acquire ANSIBLE include grovelling requests copiously accompanied with stamps; paying twice as much if you're an Institution which insists on messing round with invoices rather than fork out like an honest fan; or subscribing to PATCHIN REVIEW and unwisely allowing Charles Platt to switch your sub to ANSIBLE when he folds. Loud, clear, patient phone calls to Reading (0734) 665804; electronic mail to Prestel mailbox 733631000. Lavish small-print credits: TARAL (guest cartoonist), CHRIS HUGHES (collation), and KEITH FREEMAN (finely crafted mailing labels which everyone misinterprets: panic only when yours says SUB DUE or, shudder, *****). This issue goes to 440 addresses. ============================================================= A STATEMENT OF EDITORIAL POLICY "A ZINE is classed as a terror weapon. It rends and distorts, twisting the structure of the target completely out of shape." (Philip E.High: COME, HUNT AN EARTHMAN) ...Yes. SCHIZOPHRENIA AT YORCON III Lots of things must have happened at our 41st Eastercon, and I wish I could remember what they all were-clearly I had desperate fun. (The panel I was scheduled for was really good; pity it happened several hours before I reached Leeds.) The usual feeling that All The Action Is Somewhere Else was amplified by the provision of an actual, oppressive Somewhere Else in the form of a second hotel for obscure and specialist doings: art show, book room (dealers bitched, as usual, about profits being down 50%), video and film programme, guest of honour speech, etc. (Am baffled still by the unattributable rumour that GoH Greg Benford "turned out to be a CIA agent and tried to recruit David Pringle".) The bar of the Dragonara, main Yorcon hotel, exerted its normal fascination. Programme items? Tom Shippey gave a further impersonation of F.R.Leavis in the grip of homicidal mania, powerfully arguing that much `juvenile' fantasy is all about things like assassinating one's parents. (Hysterically enthusiastic audience: "So what's new?") Publishers were as usual shifty and evasive about publishing, authors all too informative about the unspeakable horror of the literary life. A hi-tech programme (or program) spot featured Martin Hoare on the mysteries of hacking, showing by example that Computer Crime Does Not Pay since (a) it takes several subjective months to set up your (or at any rate his) equipment, by which time it has become obsolete; and (b) only by the most herculean efforts can one even `break into' public access databases, let alone the ultra-secret Yorcon sex files... Up in the fan room, Greg Pickersgill donned his genial Mr Evil persona for purposes of public communion with, INTER ALIA, Dave Wood ("GOD, WOOD, YOUR FANZINE IS SO FUCKING AWFUL, HOW CAN YOU BE SO SMUG ABOUT YOUR UNMERITED NOVA AWARD WHEN YOU DON'T FUCKING EDIT?" Audience struck dumb by this grasp of structuralist critical terminology) and born-again Fan GoH Linda Pickersgill, who had "trudged up from the darkness into the true light of fandom", only to marry Greg, who demonstrated by example that there was still a Dark Side of the Force. Popular TAFF winners Patrick & Teresa Neilsen Hayden displayed remarkable resource by dividing up the expected duties of transatlantic visitors: he nobly attended to the consumption of much native beer, and she as nobly did the falling over. Fans of yore were everywhere underfoot, notably Walt & Madeleine Willis (Walt and I discovered a deep, hitherto unsuspected mutual interest in hearing aids), Chuch Harris (whose Compromising Situations were too many and outrageous to list; in his finest hour he burst into a crowded and -- unbeknownst to him -- hushed con hall with the varyingly reported but at any rate stentorian cry "I didn't come 200 miles to meet fucking John Brunner!"), and even John Collick. The latter resumed where he'd left off, videotaping a deathless new epic wherein a nonentity (Phil Palmer) goes on a psychopathic rampage owing to the poor reception of his fanzine ("We all had to line up and Laugh Cruelly at him" -- PNH), necessitating that rough, tough detective Grubby Herbert (JC) shoot lots of people, his perennial line "You're asking yourself, has he shot six, or only five?" constantly interrupted by walk-on appearances of uncomprehending hotel staff from a passing lift. Could this be science fiction? Parties kept happening, the most chaotic being Contravention's with its paper-plane simulation of a multi- strike nuclear exchange escalating to spasm level. "I wouldn't have voted for their bid," sniffed small but perfectly formed visiting fan Tom Weber: "they totally failed to control the paper planes." A Contravention spokesman (ever-paranoid Chris Hughes) later commented: "Aha! The throwing of planes... the plane-throwing which was started by Ian Sorenson of the rival Eastercon bid! I SEE IT ALL." Sure enough, Sunday morning saw the victory (by a mere two votes) of Contravention over Albacon III as the 1986 Eastercon venue -- shortly followed by a recount and the victory by a mere five votes of Albacon III over Contravention. In an exciting innovation borrowed from old Novacons, the Sunday-night nosh and presentations spot was made a buffet affair. We draw a veil over the slight queue problem, there being a discrepancy between the advance sales of buffet tickets (on which demand estimates were apparently based) and the 500 last-minute customers from whom uninformed hotel lackeys were happy to accept cash at the counter. The customary pork pie race followed: mathematicians long ago proved that there is no rational way to convey the concept of pie, especially across forty feet of dance floor, and unlikely transportation led to expected appalling scenes such as Rob Jackson giving the kiss of life to a giant maggot. Norman Spinrad and a low-powered panel of judges struggled in vain to rank the performances: their feeble efforts at decisiveness made no difference to MC Brian Burgess's unilateral prizegiving. BSFA awards were presented to Jim Burns (artist), THE COMPANY OF WOLVES (media), Geoff Ryman's `The Unconquered Country' (short fiction) and Rob Holdstock's MYTHAGO WOOD (novel): how can one sneer properly at awards when they go to such triffic stuff? Voting was "nearly twice the usual", administrator Mike Moir furtively confides. BSFA magazines, meanwhile, ring with outraged cries of "How dare EMPIRE OF THE SUN allow itself to be so much as nominated for this award when IT ISN'T SCIENCE FICTION?!" Here we go again... On Monday there was an active attempt at forming a Convention Gestalt Mind, as unwary fans were herded into seminar groups under the nominal leadership of hungover publishers. Parts of this were fun... Deftly skirting difficult issues like the question "Why do editors always send my manuscripts back?", Granada's Nick Austin held my own group enthralled and wove the many threads of debate into a triumphantly integrated lack of conclusion. Since he wisely sneaked off home before the afternoon's "plenary session", and since this session took place before the bar's final closure, I do not report the ultimate, cosmic conclusions reached. Overall it was an euphoric weekend. Everything shimmered through a haze of well-being, even Leeds railway station, even Graham James. With a shrewd grasp of fans' true needs the committee arranged an extension of Monday check-out time to late afternoon, ensuring glowing con reports by sending most of the membership home late and happy. Let's not talk about the following few days, shall we? I SUPPOSE I'VE GOT TO DO IT ...type out the Hugo nominations. Death, where is thy sting? NOVEL: NEUROMANCER (Gibson), JOB (Heinlein), THE INTEGRAL TREES (Niven), EMERGENCE (Palmer -- who?), THE PEACE WAR a (Vinge -- V not J). NOVELLA: `Cyclops' (Brin), `Valentina' (Delaney & Steigler), `Summer Solstice' (Harness), `Elemental' (Landis), `Press Enter ' (Varley). NOVELETTE: `Bloodchild' (Butler), `Lucky Strike' (KS Robinson), `Silicon Muse' (Schenck), `Man Who Painted the Dragon Griaule' (Shepard), `Weigher' (Vinicoff & Martin), `Blued Moon' (Willis), `Return to the Fold' (Zahn). SHORT: `Crystal Spheres' (Brin), `The Aliens Who Knew, I Mean, EVERYTHING' (Effinger), `Rory' (Gould), `Symphony for a Lost Traveller' (Killough), `Ridge Running' (KS Robinson), `Salvador' (Lucius Shepard). NONFICTION: `Sleepless Nights in the Procrustean Bed' (Ellison), `Dune Encyclopaedia' (McNelly), `Faces of SF [Omitting Those Outside N America Because They Don't Count]' (Perret), `In the Heart or In the Head' (Turner), `Wonder's Child' (Williamson). PRO EDITOR: Terry Carr, Ed Ferman, Shawna McCarthy, Stanley Schmidt, George Scithers. PRO ARTIST: Vincent diFate, Tom Kidd, Val Lakey Lindham (?), Barclay Shaw, Michael Whelan. DRAMATIC PRESENTATION: DUNE, GHOSTBUSTERS, LAST STARFIGHTER, SEARCH FOR SPOCK, 2010. SEMIPROZINE: FANTASY REVIEW, LOCUS, SFC, SFR, WHISPERS. FANZINE: ANSIBLE, FILE 770, HOLIER THAN THOU, MYTHOLOGIES, RATAPLAN. FANARTIST; Brad Foster, Steven Fox, Alexis Gilliland, Joan Hanke-Woods, Bill Rotsler, Stu Shiffman. FANWRITER: Leigh Edmonds, Richard E.Geis, Mike Glyer, Arthur Hlavaty, Dave Langford (coff coff). JOHN W CAMPBELL AWARD (not really a Hugo, caveat emptor, may be hazardous to the health, etc): Bradley Denton, Geoffrey Landis, Elissa Malcolm, Ian McDonald, Melissa Scott, Lucius Shepard. STATISTICS: 223 ballots received. The easiest category in which to pick up a Hugo nomination is clearly Fanzine (only 7 votes required), unless you count the JWC Award (6). For the rest: Fanwriter 8, Semiprozine and Short 9, Fanartist 10, Novelette and Pro Artist 15, Nonfiction 16, Editor 20, Novella 22, Novel 26, Dramatic 40... THE UNCONTROVERSIAL LETTER COLUMN COLIN GREENLAND: "I've resigned from INTERZONE and thought I should tell ANSIBLE why before there's any gossip. David Pringle wants complete control of the magazine (no, not ANSIBLE, INTERZONE). He thinks everything I do is part of some secret plot to seize power for himself, as if nobody could possibly have any motives but his own. I can't work any longer with someone who tells me to `knuckle under or piss off'. So I'm pissing off, to Colorado in fact, to spend a couple of months concentrating on the novel Allen & Unwin have commissioned from me... Meanwhile in California, at UC Riverside, they've just given me this year's J.Lloyd Eaton Award for THE ENTROPY EXHIBITION. Delighted and much gratified, I wonder how a book published in 1983 can be eligible in 1985. Something to do with the International Dateline, probably." [CG] STEPHEN JONES: "I feel I must complain at the scurrilous piece of gossip headed `New Year Scandal' on the back cover of ANSIBLE 42. I don't know who leaked this particular piece of false information to you, but as the SFC reporter and BFS leading light obviously alluded to, I can categorically deny that I got up to any, er, `funny business' with Lisa Tuttle. However, I am sure that she will not take exception to your describing her as a `glamorous Harrow author'... I strongly suspect those two troublemakers Jo Fletcher and Chris Priest of spreading this malicious rumour." [SJ] VINCENT OMNIAVERITAS: "Lisa Tuttle was in town and dropped by CHEAP TRUTH CENTRAL, where I dazzled her with my mind reading act, based on bits of inside Tuttle gossip gleaned from ANSIBLE. She has become a computer widow... won't touch her husband's sinister devil-machine. `He keeps bursting out of his room,' she said, `and I ask him if he's gotten any writing done, and he says No, but I just figured out how to make it do something great!" [VO -- now in Penguin] TERRY CARR: "I'm buying SF novels (no fantasies... let's get that straight) for Tor Books: an extremely good outfit, headed by Tom Doherty, the only publisher I've ever met whom I vastly respect both for honesty and knowledge of the business. I can buy SF novels, either completed or on the basis of portion-&-outline, provided you've never sold a book to Tor before (that's in my contract. The point is that they don't need me to buy books from authors with whom they've already had dealings, like publishing their books). Tor pays as much money for advances as does anyone... I'm also fiction editor for the forthcoming magazine TO THE STARS, whose rates are 6 1/2 cents a word, the highest in the field (OMNI excluded as not basically an SF magazine), and they don't slide downward as word-lengths get longer; they're the same even at 30,000 words -- try to get THAT from any other SF magazine! Which doesn't mean I want longer stories more than shorts; I just think word-rates ought to be word-rates. No particular `policy' for fiction except that it must all be SF, not fantasy. I hope to buy as many as possible that evoke the `sense of wonder', because I think that's the heart of SF to most people and it's sadly been in little evidence in magazines for several years. And yeah, they'd better be well written, because in that respect at least I'm a snob." [TC, 11037 Broadway Tce, Oakland, CA 94611, USA] ANN LOOKER: "Noticed you contributed to GHASTLY BEYOND BELIEF. Amazed to find this passage from SECOND STAGE LENSMEN not included: `"Dearly beloved..." The grand old service -- short and simple, but utterly impressive -- was soon over. Then, as Kinnison kissed his wife, half a million Lensed members were thrust upward in silent salute.'" [AL/EES] AVEDON CAROL: "There is a profound inaccuracy in the information provided you by Martian Moose Worship [A42]. He maintains that I wore a dress to the premiere of DUNE at the Kennedy Centre here last December. This is incorrect. I can no longer be induced to wear dresses unless I am being paid to do so. I wore a tuxedo. With all due respect to Mr Worship, he's as blind as a bat if he thinks black trousers and a tie constitute a `dress'..." [AC. Or DC. Who knows?] IAN WATSON: "Mark Ziesing is going to produce a posh expensive limited edition of my wit & wisdom in the near future, called THE BOOK OF IAN WATSON, with non-fic from places like VECTOR, and about 50,000 words of unpublished fic, including a 21,000 word novella cum verse drama about animated Ushabtis -- tell Hazel and stun her. You see, I know what Ushabtis were really intended for; all the Egyptologists got it wrong. They were intended to... This is a shameless attempt to persuade Hazel to fork out untold dollars on a copy of the book; for the answer will truly amaze her." [IW] INCREDIBLY BORING EVENT UPDATES TRIPLE-S CON, 12-14 July, Ladbroke Hotel, Newport, Gwent: GoH Lord Young of Dartington (blimey). #11 att (to 15 June, then #12); rooms #15.50/person/night (shared twin only). 162 Kingsheath Ave, Rutherglen, Glasgow. This emanates from the "Space Settlers Society"; I suppose the taming of barren, inhospitable new frontiers may as well start with Newport... EXCALIBUR, 12-31 Aug inclusive, Heriot Theatre Upstairs, 30 Grindlay St, Edinburgh... A home-made play stirringly titled QUEST FOR THE MIDNIGHT TOWER: THE LEGEND OF IDRA KHAN makes its debut in the Edinburgh Festival Fringe, as above. Maestro David Norell explains: "At last there exists a Theatrical Company [Excalibur] specializing in Fantasy material." (Ken Campbell WILL be pleased.) "May the Kadark never ravish your homeland!" (A sentiment one can but echo.) SILICON 9, 23-26 Aug, Grosvenor Hotel, Newcastle. #5 att; nine different room rates, from #8.90 in a labour camp to #29.90 for your entire family including in-laws. 14 Eskdale Tce, Jesmond, Newcastle upon Tyne, NE2 4DN. Heavy breathing welcomed on (091) 2814607 after 6pm and before 3am... FANTASYCON, 6-8 Sept, Royal Angus Hotel, Birmingham: GoH Rob Holdstock, MC Charles L.Grant. #1.50 supp #9 att (BFS members #8); all rooms #17/person/night. "Has gained the reputation of `The Professionals' Convention'", says the flyer, but I believe fans are admitted if they dress nicely. 130 Park View, Wembley, Middlesex, HA9 6JU. CAMCON (Unicon 6), 13-15 Sept, New Hall, Cambridge. Details as last issue; GoH announced as John Christopher. EUROCON 85, 1-6 Oct, scheduled for Riga, USSR, has been axed on the unlikely ground of "lack of meeting rooms". The political climate is generally blamed; possibly it was leaking through the meeting rooms' roofs. ALBACON III is the '86 Eastercon: Central Hotel, Glasgow. #6 att (for now); twin/dbl rooms #12.50/person (#16.50 with bath). 80 Hillington Gdns, Glasgow, G52 2TP. GoH: well, Vince Docherty rang to ask if I knew Stephen King's address... EASTERCON '87: to be voted at Albacon III. (Likewise Eastercon '88 if the recommendation, made at Yorcon is upheld.) Two bids so far... Beccon '87 is run by the usual mob: #1 pre-supp to 191 The Heights, Northolt, Middlesex, UB5 4BU; of terrific subcutaneous ructions owing to Beccon's original alleged plan to announce their venue before the Yorcon voting and thus "sabotage Contravention": happily they thought better of it.) Little is known of the rival Harrogate bid save that Ron Bennett and the fake Bob Shaw are involved. Cons make strange bedfellows. WORLDCON '88: the New Orleans bid is seeking a British agent, notes Linda Pickersgill, who personally "declined due to the fact that it would put me in contact with Guy Lillian, a name, face and personality that I try to avoid as much as possible." Anyone less timorous and more eager for limitless future fame and power (albeit no spare time) should contact John Guidry, Box 8010, New Orleans, LA 70182, USA. BSFA open meetings, for those who didn't get a scrawled correction last issue, are in the COOPERS (not Troopers) Arms. And "organizer Judith Hanna" was an easy-to-make misprint for "organizers Nick Trant & Roy Macinski". OH GAWD,MORE AWARDS William Gibson's NEUROMANCER is doing nicely: Nebula award as Best 1984 Novel, Ditmar (Australia) as Best International Fiction, P.K.Dick Award as Best Paperback Original... Accepting the last ($1000 and a Calligraphed Thing), Mr Gibson reportedly mused on Spider Robinson's habit of bringing his awards to conventions and inviting fans to see them: "I'll be able to say, Would you like to come up to my room and see my Dick?" Dick runner-up: Kim Stanley Robinson's THE WILD SHORE. Further Ditmars went to BEAST OF HEAVEN by Victor Kellaher (Best Aussie Novel) and Merv Binns's AUSTRALIAN SF NEWS as Best Australian SF News. THYME (our info source) got a bit derisive after this, noting that only about 20 people voted, that no one knew what Bruce Gillespie had actually got his Best Editor of 1984 award FOR, and that the Atheling Award -- won by George Turner's autobiography IN THE HEART OR IN THE HEAD -- is rather supposed to be for SF CRITICISM. Oops. As for the remaining Nebulas, my ace newshounds were distracted by far more interesting fisticuffs, as Harlan Ellison smote Charles Platt for his snide comments about the (now) late Larry Shaw. Mere awards could not compete. C.O.A KEN BROWN, Flat 4, 29 Davigdor Rd, Hove :: AVEDON CAROL (as of 29 May), 9a Greenleaf Rd, East Ham, London, E6 1DX :: BENEDICT S.CULLUM, 18 Valley Rd, Rickmansworth, Herts, WD3 4DS :: NEIL GAIMAN, 73 High St, East Grinstead, West Sussex, RH19 3DD :: WILLIAM T GOODALL & ALISON HASTON, 2 Spark Tce, Cove, Aberdeen, AB1 4ND :: ROELOF GOUDRIAAN, Noordwal 2, 2573 EA Den Haag, Netherlands :: STEVE & LEAH HIGGINS, 200 Basingstoke Rd, Reading, Berks, RG2 0HH :: LUCY HUNTZINGER (who promises not to move again for a whole year), 2315 Bush St, San Francisco, CA 94115, USA :: PAUL HURTLEY, 270 Winthrop Ave, New Haven, CT 06511, USA :: BOB JEWETT, 105 Craigton Rd, Gowan, Glasgow :: ROBIN JOHNSON, 30 Mona St, Battery Point, TAS 7000, Australia :: KEN JOSENHANS, PO Box 191, East Lansing, MI 48823, USA :: MIKE LEWIS, 4 Smallman St, Stafford, Staffs, ST16 3PF :: BRUCE J MACDONALD, 23 Leslie Cres, Ayr, Scotland :: MIKE MOLLOY, 301 Langlands Rd, Drumoyne, Glasgow, G51 :: KEITH & KRYSTYNA OBORN, Bishops Cottage, Park House Lane, Reading, RG3 2AH :: LINDA PICKERSGILL (temporary, May-July), c/o Arthur Krawecke, 8508 Dumonte St, Metairie, LA 70003, USA :: PETER PINTO, 80 Eastham St, Lancaster, LA1 3AY :: JIMMY ROBERTSON & ANNE WARREN, 62 North End Rd, Golders Green, London, NW.11 :: PETER SINGLETON, 5 St Andrew's Rd, Claughton, Birkenhead, L43 1TB :: FRAN SKENE & WILLIAM C.S. AFFLECK ASCH LOWE (it says here), 302-2326 Eton St, Vancouver, BC, Canada V5L 1E1 :: SUE THOMASON, 1 Merrick Sq, Dolgellau, Gwynedd, LL40 1LT :: NICK WEATHERHEAD, `GAFIAH', Kinlochbervie, via Lairg, Sutherland, Scotland ("I have bought an Hotel near to Cape Wrath. After 30 years in the book trade I need a change!") :: MARGARET WELBANK & NICK LOWE. 52 Mansfield Rd, London, NW3 2HT :: CHERRY WILDER, 19 Egelsbacher Str, D-6070 Langen/Hessen, W Germany :: ALEX ZBYSLAW, 197 Herbert Ave, Poole, Dorset, BH12 4HR :: PAUL BARNETT HAS FUN AT THE FAIR This year's London Book Fair (10-12 April) was excitingly different from those held in previous years, in that to a large extent it was dead as a dodo. Most people realized this on the opening Wednesday and so didn't bother attending the rest of it; your correspondent, by contrast with the rest of the sheep, turned up on the Thursday. Actually, it was a shame. Most companies exhibiting had decided this year that it would make more financial sense not to bother sending editorial people, so stands were staffed by hardbitten sales types. Unfortunately, booksellers and librarians, presumably having discovered last year that the only exhibitors were editorial people who didn't know how to take their stock orders, stayed away in droves. So the halls were filled with sales people responding "No, sorry, our editor isn't here. Say, would you like to buy a copy of..." The only mass-market paperbackers who seemed there in strength were Corgi (on the Bantam stand) and Sphere (on the Oh shit we've just been taken over by Penguin stand: Penguin themselves didn't have a stand). Also recently taken over by Penguin were Rainbird, on whose stand Maxim Jakubowski was in fine fettle. He told me the takeover made no differences except good ones, and contrived to seem remarkably pleased about it all. Already the Rainbird list has a slightly more skiffy-ish look to it than in days of yore. High point was the New Era stand, whose sole project on display was BATTLEFIELD EARTH -- the paperback hits the bookshops on 6 June. As if that wasn't enough to make your gonads atrophy, New Era also displayed the album of the soundtrack of the book, composed by El Ron himself using "tomorrow's state-of-the-art computers" and featuring "top recording artists Chick Corea [no relation of Huntington, one assumes], Gayle Moran, Nicky Hopkins and Stanley Clarke". Well, I've heard of Nicky Hopkins. The soundtrack itself -- "This is the first book to have a musical soundtrack!", for some reason -- resembles 1960s musak, which no doubt shows that aesthetic taste is cyclical... Moreover "BATTLEFIELD EARTH is being made into TWO multi-million dollar movies. Directed by internationally acclaimed Ken Annakin... produced by William Immerman, senior executive on the STAR WARS production." Wow! I missed the episode in which a twelve-foot Psychlo posed with a scantily clad blonde outside the Barbican in high winds and sub-zero temperatures, but was able to watch it on video later. Actually, I wonder if someone at New Era isn't likely to be cast into outer darkness without even an E-meter. Can one detect a trace of irony in the publicity puff: "Terl, the alien Psychlo... enjoyed enormous popularity during his tours promoting the hardback release. But his ego was not satisfied -- now he plans an even bigger comeback..." This years winner of my annual Great Idea For An International Coedition Someone Had At An Editorial Meeting And Nobody Ever Got Around To Stomping On It award was found on the Blandford stand. A fat, lavishly produced book, it was called NATIONAL ANTHEMS OF THE WORLD. Finally, exclusive confirmation from Arrow's Nick Webb (while choking on a sticky bun) to your correspondent that it was not he who invented the generic description "a cocaine and blow-job novel". [PB] ALL THE MYRIAD FAN FUNDS TAFF constitutional revisions were hammered out in a practically smoke-filled room at Yorcon, containing enough present and past administrators to have changed the course of the simultaneous '86 Eastercon voting (see above -- a fact which did not go unnoticed by the Contravention committee as they subsequently poured beer over me). Upshot: future winners probably need to pick up a minimal 20% of final (adjusted) votes in both Europe and N America. If no one evinces such multi-continental appeal, the victor is presumably deemed to be `Hold Over Funds'. (Pete Presford comments, as at one stage did I, that no one objected when Justin "You Don't Know Me -- I Don't Know You" Ackroyd came over and, in the event, won all hearts as GUFF delegate. But the massed TAFF sages felt that being known in the host country was very much part of TAFF's ancient, unwritten tradition.) GUFF results are probably in an enclosed flyer, but in summary: Eve Harvey 42 UK votes, 25 Aussie, total 67; John Jarrold 22, 1, 23; write-ins for Martha Beck (1), Roelof Goudriaan (3) and Paul Skelton (1). Eve will thus travel to Aussiecon in Melbourne later this year, together with famous husband and chattel John. DUFF results are definitely not in an enclosed flyer, so no need to mention them... hang on a minute. Marty & Robbie Cantor get the big chance to meet the Harveys (plus incidental perks such as Aussiecon); after an Australian ballot running to five counts the figures boggle the brain, but Mike Glicksohn was the last contender to be eliminated, preceded by Joni Stopa, before whom rich brown (sic) bit the dust. Minimal votes went to `Hold Over Funds' and four write-ins: John Bangsund, Bill the Cat, Martha Beck, Dana Siegel. SEFF: Old news now... nervous Jim Barker was belatedly persuaded by Swedish admirers to stand against Steve Green and Hans-Juergen Mader as an, er, "official write-in candidate", with a plug for him on the reprinted ballot. The trip is to Swecon in August; there may be time to rush 50p and a vote for your favourite by 1 June to Colin Fine, 205 Coldham's Lane, Cambridge, CB1 3HY. INFINITELY IMPROBABLE PLAGIARISM SHOCK! John Dallman forwards an entry from I.F.Clarke's skiffy bibliography THE TALE OF THE FUTURE (1961): "[1914] Anonymous (Carrel, F.) 2010. T.W.Laurie, 249p. A super-scientist leads the world towards peace and happiness: `human nature was divested of its weakness, its baseness, its cruelty and crime'." And of Jupiter. COMINGS & GOINGS: RIP Larry Shaw, long-time SF editor, who died aged 60 on 1 April... Soon to be put down for his first convention: Graeme Martin Wallace, who entered fandom on 24 April for reasons thought not unconnected with Alison & Jon Wallace... Long-denied suspicions of author "Richard Bachman" were confirmed when his cover burst open, and out poked (ALIEN-fashion) the head of Stephen King. Ace reviewer Chris Priest reports that "Bachman's" latest, THINNER, "is everything a hack novel should be"... Mr Priest's latest literary offspring is THE GLAMOUR, again: he agreed with Doubleday editorial criticisms, and in a merciless assault on completists' wallets has rewritten the book (especially its ending) for the coming US edition... Avedon Carol & Rob Hansen are having a wedding party in June irrespective of whether they contrive to arrange a wedding... The ANSIBLE poll is hereby laid to rest in an unmarked grave, an idea (judging from response) whose time is clearly past. "DO YOU REMEMBER when humans were heroes, androids didn't have social hang-ups and the only good alien was a dead one?" Thus the flyer for Hamlyn's VENTURE SF line, edited by Andromeda Bookshop stalwarts Rog Peyton and Rog Milner. The first 3 choices (two reprinted from famous quality publishers Robert Hale) amply fulfil the flyer's brutish promise. Venture publishes all "action adventure -- no short stories, no fantasies, no boredom." Most people probably won't struggle far enough into choice 3, David Drake's awful HAMMER'S SLAMMERS, to find it's a collection of short stories... THE FUNGUS was the latest nasty from Harry Adam Knight, really John Brosnan and Leroy Kettle reluctantly foregoing personal notoriety in order to be able to put "The New Stephen King -- STARBURST MAGAZINE" on the jacket. This might otherwise have lacked street credibility, the STARBURST puff being of course written by Mr Brosnan, though rumour has it that those actual words were intelligently cut by STARBURST's editor... A fungal launch party saw billions of SF celebrities shoehorning themselves into a club bar which faithfully recreated the Black Hole of Calcutta. The contingent from mycotoxic publishers Star Books contrived to seem wholly unembarrassed by the fact that all was being paid for by the authors... which was perhaps why Leroy kept reducing peoples' appetites by relating FUNGUS scenes so disgusting that even Star and John Brosnan had made him take them out. (Among the bits left in was a very consciousness-raising rape sequence, with the vile aggressor so ravaged with Fungus [a sort of cross between dry rot and athlete's foot] that in mid-rape an important part of him snaps off. Quite right too.) As your unbiased reviewer wrote, "This book degrades mushrooms." WIMPS VS MORONS: More leakage from the bent administrators of famed unpopularity poll COFF: as of 8 April the leading item was `The Wimps Who Protested About Rob Holdstock's Stripogram' (27 votes), hard pressed by `The Morons Who Gave Rob Holdstock A Stripogram' (25 votes). Graham James followed with 10, but not really, since people's friend Steve Green had 12 less 5 NEGATIVE votes (a concept thrust on COFF by dynamic Katie Hoare). Trailing were Greg Pickersgill (7) and sunshine twins Abi Frost and Joy Hibbert (5 each)... THE NOTIONAL is an Aussie newszine from Ditmar fanwriter award winner Leigh Edmonds, and Valma Brown. They scheme to make mock of ANSIBLE by unscrupulous use of Regularity and Frequency, not to mention striking low blows at THYME by inserting Layout. $10A for locals; outlanders' rates $15A per year to PO Box 433 Civic Sq, ACT 2608, Australia. MAGS: erstwhile office boy Ian Marsh gloats that he's taken over as power-crazed WHITE DWARF assistant editor, thus doing all the work "except select the sexist covers and write the editorials." Rush your scenarios for "Fandom: the Fighting Fantasy Game" to him at 27-29 Sunbeam Rd, London, NW10 6JP. Meanwhile Jack Schofield of PRACTICAL COMPUTING instructs fans to piss off and stop sending him fiction since he "just hasn't got room for SF any more." COMPUTING: THE MAGAZINE has leapt to fill the breach by offering a plush #88 per thousand words for computeroid SF (55 Frith St, London, W1A 2HG), but so far has contented itself with reprints. EDITORIAL For those who feel short-changed by the new format: you still get lots of words, honest, just less paper to hang in the bog. All readers are instructed (doubtless in vain) to buy THE THIRD MILLENNIUM: A HISTORY OF THE WORLD AD 2000-3000 by Brian Stableford and yrs truly, out late June from Sidgwick & Jackson; an in-joke or two may be found within, but the real laughs will come from the authors' photos in the more downmarket Sunday colour supplements. One artistic loon frogmarched us round Reading U campus in search of surreal backgrounds: watch for the pained look on Brian's face as he draws the line at posing in a tree. HAZEL'S LANGUAGE LESSONS NO.34: GREBO (or, First Aid in South West Liberia) pea gyie Finger rubbed in pepper or medicine which is put down the throat to induce vomiting. kye di gobo Grasshopper used for getting rid of hard spots on the skin. Salt is sprinkled on the spots, and the grasshopper eats the salt, also the spots. saa Peppered water forced up the nose of children either as a punishment or as a medicine. ANSIBLE 43 from DAVE LANGFORD 94 LONDON ROAD READING BERKSHIRE ENGLAND RG1 5AU [Ends] ANSIBLE 44, 1985: PLEASE NOTE that this old ANSIBLE is a bit of history. Addresses may have changed (the editor's postal address hasn't, but ignore old e-mail addresses), prices and agents' credits are invalid, etc. Dave Langford, ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk, 1993. ============================================================= ANSIBLE 44 SEPTEMBER 1985 ISBN 0265-9816 That is not dead which can eternal lie, and with strange aeons even DAVE LANGFORD, 94 LONDON ROAD, READING, BERKSHIRE, RG1 5AU, UK, may publish. Subscriptions: 5 issues for #2 sterling: cheques/money orders to ANSIBLE, Girobank transfer to a/c 24 475 4403. Or: $3.50 to US agents Mary & Bill Burns (23 Kensington Court, Hempstead, NY 11550); $4A to Aussie agent Irwin Hirsh, 2/416 Dandenong Rd, North Caulfield, Vic 3161. Sample issue: send SAE or IRC (but if reading this you hardly need a sample, do you?). Phone: Reading (0734) 665804. Electronic mail to Prestel mailbox 733631000. Printed labels by KEITH FREEMAN and handwritten ones by new database manager HAZEL: labels should be nearly self-explanatory (carrying the issue number to which you're paid up, or T for Trade, or some frightful Egyptian imprecation). Cartoons are by BRAD FOSTER (right), ALEXIS GILLILAND (within) and TARAL (back cover). ANSIBLE 44 goes to 450+ addresses. Didn't think I could do it, a whole masthead without mentioning the Hugo... oops. ============================================================= SILENT SUMMER The question which failed to be on fans' lips through the summer of '85 was, "What happened to bloody ANSIBLE?" Many things, beginning with Rob Hansen and Avedon Carol.... Madly we'd volunteered to host their wedding reception here in June. In preparation, Hazel scraped the thicker accumulations of filth from the walls -- revealing an attack of house cancer in the form of the dreaded Dry Rot. The #1800 repair bill (paid largely out of ANSIBLE subscriptions, of course) drove your editor to expend valuable brain cells on mindless and degrading jobs, including computer software and reviewing Piers Anthony novels -- anything for quick cash -- while the round file bulged with pathetic letters from fans demanding their ANSIBLE fix, and Irwin Hirsh conveyed displeasure by mailing us dead wombats. This issue reaches you only because Hazel (finding a broken, enfeebled Langford trying simultaneously to concoct three review columns, a VAT return and a bit of the unwritten novel for which Arrow have already printed the covers) took the mailing list firmly into her own hands. Farewell, computerization. Of course Hazel at once went down with 'flu, and.... The Carol/Hansen wedding was suitably bizarre, and took place amid much ethnic rain, in a portion of London even more slum-like than East Ham. ("I haven't been warm ONCE since I got here" -- AC.) The bride wore her famous black tuxedo and trousers in hope that Martin Morse Wooster would once again describe this ensemble as a dress. ("But Avedon, he's not going to be here." "Since when has that stopped him?") The bridegroom wore clothes. When the soggily radiant couple were hauled off for pre-ceremony indoctrination, British fandom lost no time in explaining to US visitors that this was because marriage according to the law of this land requires on-the-spot proof of ability to consummate the union. In the ceremony, it was Malcolm Edwards who gleefully whispered that the registrar "looked just like Marty Cantor": thus unnerved, this functionary uttered the fatal phrase "Mrs Hansen" and was swiftly hospitalized. A reception at ANSIBLE HQ followed next day (22 June). Cast out by Hazel's No Smoking edict, the "cancer party" huddled under a dripping pear-tree, heartened against the raging elements by Ted White's inexhaustible supplies of wicked substances. Abi Frost's bra strap achieved fame as (enthusiastically assisted by ATom) she detached a safety-pin for roach- holding use. Saner people crowded the Food Room, the Booze Room and the Dry Rot Viewing Room, with a breakaway party of bibliophiles upstairs appraising the library -- Vince Clarke checking price tags while Chuch Harris (Sole Prop., Daventry Academy of Caprine Studies) wheedled nubile ladies with offers of free first editions. Chris Priest talked about computers and Lisa Tuttle yawned. Alexis Gilliland dashed off vignettes for posterity. Only two gatecrashers were recorded, neither from Puerto Rico. "This is a CONVENTION," declared Mr White: to complete the Total Experience I let him sign my battered Ace double of ANDROID AVENGER. (And forgot having done so, leading to a wholly spurious account of this incident in SF CHRONICLE -- sorry, Andy!) When all was over, the body- strewn floors resembled the last act of HAMLET sprinkled with potato crisps. Several thousand book launch parties occurred at London's "Forbidden Planet" bookshop, all attended by the same crowd of hacks and freeloaders (save for the strangely depopulated launch of the paperback BATTLEFIELD EARTH). Newly famous Wm Gibson was among those feted, having flown over to discuss an incipient film of "Burning Chrome": his polished expression of bemusement provoked much local admiration. Glasgow's summer Albacon reportedly fell into two categories, the boring, lacklustre bits and Harlan Ellison. ANSIBLE missed both, though not the prior pub meeting at which Messrs Gamma & Tate (the Forbidden Planetoids) grumbled about having to dispose of countless expensively printed flyers when HE switched the date of a signing session... and then many more when he switched it back again... after which they cancelled the whole thing in pique. Lightning event report from Avedon: "We all got together at a pub and listened to Holdstock talk to Ellison about sex while he wanted to talk business (perhaps buying a Holdstock story for LAST DANGEROUS VISIONS?)." Amazingly, HE was still worried about whether I carried a 9-year-old grudge: after a tearful rapprochement, he departed with the happy assurance that his conscience need no longer feel, as it were, tweaked. Beccon happened too: I don't remember much, since during my brief visit I got to drinking with Barry Bayley, a fatal mistake if you value your brain cells, or kidneys. Summer, such as it was, ended with what after persistent hotel stroppiness and growing local exhaustion may have been the final Silicon up in Newcastle. (Advance omen at Disclave: a woman passed out flyers for "SILiCON 1 -- Instead of talking about imaginative fiction, guests at SILiCON will live it!": informed by Ted White that there'd been a Silicon for years, she was quite worried until told... "Oh, it's BRITISH! They don't count.") Instead of talking about SF, guests at Silicon were forced to live the usual silliness, culminating in a "Sex Game" wherein crack male and female teams vied to display superior, er, sensuality. A blindfolded Mike Glicksohn, trying to identify a slimy vegetable salad by touch, hazarded: "Martin Hoare at the end of this weekend." Greg Pickersgill, failing to detect the taste of Bovril dissolved in yoghurt, made several deeply obscene guesses. Laura Wheatley, after not identifying leather by its smell, cried: "You can't expect me to get that, I'm a vegetarian!" Female superiority was duly established. We mercifully omit Chris Evans's serious literary analysis of "The Science Fiction of Margaret Thatcher", replete with examples like Maggie's alleged SF novel of First Contact, titled SOD OFF, FUCKFACE. Alasdair Gray, meanwhile, displayed his usual horizontal bonhomie. Traditional foul beer drove a small party away for Sunday lunch, helping me miss the fabled Malcolm Edwards Phone Call From Australia. Britain in '87 was official, and... I've met with many unnerving receptions on staggering back from the pub, but never before a standing ovation. Thanks, folks. BLOODY HELL! Here's the Hugo list, courtesy of Aussiecon's amazingly speedy Roy Ferguson. Do you want the detailed statistical breakdown? I thought not. There were 443 valid and 23 invalid ballots, the winners being: NOVEL [395 ballots cast]: NEUROMANCER by William Gibson (Chris Priest, as UK agent for Mr G, turns handsprings). NOVELLA [355]: "Press Enter *" by John Varley. NOVELETTE [349]: "Bloodchild" by Octavia Butler. SHORT [345]: "Crystal Spheres" by David Brin. NON-FICTION [313]: WONDER'S CHILD: MY LIFE IN SF by Jack Williamson. DRAMATIC PRESENTATION [413]: 2010. PRO EDITOR [358]: Terry Carr. PRO ARTIST [330]: Michael Whelan. SEMI-PROZINE [325]: LOCUS. FANZINE [284]: FILE 770. (After F770's victory, Mike Glyer declared a "withdrawal" from future competition -- something not covered by the rules. Meanwhile, weary of losing to LOCUS in the semi-prozine category, Dick Geis has declared his SF REVIEW to be once again a fanzine.) FANWRITER [284]: Dave Langford! FANARTIST [287]: Alexis Gilliland. JOHN W. CAMPBELL AWARD [291; not a Hugo]: Lucius Shepard. THE OPEN CONSPIRACY The name of our 45th Worldcon (in Brighton, of course -- both the Metropole and the mighty Conference Centre) is, for no evident reason, Conspiracy '87. It ousted the Phoenix (Arizona) quasi-bid by 400 to 100 votes. Guests of honour are Alfred Bester, Doris Lessing, and (fan) Ken & Joyce Slater, plus Jim Burns as Artist GoH and me as "special fan guest", and Brian Aldiss in the role of toastmaster. Address is now: PO BOX 43, CAMBRIDGE, CB1 3JJ; attending membership is #19.50 (USA $30, Australia $A40), supporting #10 ($15, $A20), with a #2 ($3, $A3) discount for paid-up presupporters. Agents include Mary & Bill Burns (US, as masthead) and Justin Ackroyd (GPO Box 2708X, Melbourne, Vic 3001, Australia). Reports of Aussiecon are understandably incoherent. Some 1800-2000 fans were present, the largish Brit contingent being swelled by freebies from official Conspiracy airline British Airways. (The most mysterious free ride must be Paul Heskett's. "Fred Harris rang me on the previous Monday asking if I'd like to go to Oz. I had nothing better to do....") CHRIS HUGHES & JAN HUXLEY summarized the city: "Melbourne (Melbun, as they say here): trams, MacDonalds, palm trees, awful coffee, cheap steaks and wine, fountains, strange conventions.... Fantastic." [CH/JH] JOSEPH NICHOLAS's postcard showed the 1880 Victoria Hotel, "the site of the fan programme, which was itself pretty good despite various irritating snarl-ups.... Valma Brown will be standing for GUFF for a trip to Brighton in 1987. As one of her nominators, I can say that she's ideologically sound and will struggle against global hegemonization wherever it may be found: she is therefore the candidate to vote for." [JMN] MARTIN MORSE WOOSTER was diverted from the trail of scandal and horror: "Inimitable presence of J. Nicholas has caused me to talk about American politics, New Zealand politics, Aussie politics.... Now I know what American cultural imperialism REALLY MEANS." [MMW] PAUL DORMER sent his notes to SMALL MAMMAL (the bum), thus: "The heavy voting for Conspiracy was a result of bribery: British Airways had freighted over a large quantity of Brighton rock. This served to keep those fans manning the British table fed. The con committee suggested the sticks ought to be peace-bonded under their weapons policy.... On a panel, Frank Herbert stated that he'd never written a DUNE book for money. The masquerade was a bit of a shambles -- the stage was so low that most people had difficulty seeing the contestants, particularly `Conan the Baby'. The Hugo presentation was rather better, though the slides used to announce nominations always seemed to be in the wrong order... also the best novella winner was flashed up on the screen as `John Varley, Pless Enter *'.... British presence was strong in the fan programme, including a Bob Shaw talk and a demonstration of the Astral Pole by Joe Nicholas (the report is unclear as to whether Judith Hanna's cry of `Joseph Nicholas stop biting your nails this instant' occurred before or after this demonstration)...." [PD/SM] A surprise Worldcon bid (as hinted in A41 before Kees van Toorn told me to shut up) is Holland in 1990, with a steering committee of Kees & Angelique van Toorn, Lynne Ann Morse and Roelof Goudriaan. Pre-supporting memberships #4 (blimey, 400% inflation), $5, or 15 guilders, to PO Box 95370, 2509 CJ The Hague, Netherlands -- or to "a rapidly growing network of international agents". This should fill US fans with paranoia: Conspiracy won its bid in Australia and (as I understand recent rule changes), Holland in 1990 will be voted at Conspiracy. An un-American plot! The domino theory! The 1990 opposition provoked Irwin Hirsh to paranoid speculations of his own: "A comment on LA-Con II's allotment of money for bidding for the 1990 Worldcon: at today's prices it would cost about $40 to take out a supporting membership of the '88 Worldcon and vote in the Site Selection. So $10,000 can buy 250 votes, about 20-25% of votes usually cast. A scary thought." The amount set aside by LA-Con was in fact $20,000. Which links with another problem reported in US newszines -- the increasing interest of US Internal Revenue in profits of "non-profit-making" cons. Seems the "charitable foundation" position is being made untenable by taxmen's discovery that private individuals (especially dealers and artists) make vast spinoff profits.... [F770] Thus Teresa Nielsen Hayden reveals an Informed Source's proposed slogan for one future bid: "If Boston wins the bid for 1989, and LA for 1990, they'll have so much left-over money that they'll NEED Baltimore in 1992." CHANGE & DECAY IN ALL AROUND I SEE IMAGINE magazine bit the dust in August, the issue on the stands being appropriately numbered 30. This is all TSR's fault: "Der Fuhrer Amerikanisch has ordered the final solution," wailed erstwhile editor Paul Cockburn. "You lucky sod, Langford, you're the only contributor to issue 31 who's being paid," report envious (and premature) games fans. Within hours of the sinking, ace film reviewer Colin Greenland was scuttling aboard the rival ship WHITE DWARF (where his column resumes in January).... CHRIS PRIEST & LISA TUTTLE have separated -- she remains at the old address. Chris's customary gloom was intensified by the collapse of an almost finalized $200,000 film deal for THE GLAMOUR.... A PLAGUE OF BABIES continues, with Leah (& Steve) Higgins and Jenny (& Dave) Raggett in an expectant state -- likewise recidivists Rochelle (& Alan) Dorey and Margaret (& Terry) Hill. As for Coral (& Rob) Jackson, travel back with me in time to CHECKPOINT 98, June/July 1979, in which Leroy Kettle wrote: "Dr Jackson and his lovely wife Dr Mrs Dr Jackson are building an extension to their mansion to house the expected new arrival, which they will call Hugo." Again SF predicts the future: with a double dose of Gernsback homage, the new outbreak is named Hugo Ralph Jackson.... STU SHIFFMAN underwent 12 hair-raising hours of brain surgery at the end of July: all now seems well. "He's missing most of the hair on the back of his head, but hey, he always likes wearing those snappy broad-brimmed hats anyway" [PNH]. In an exclusive bedside interview Stu proudly revealed that his medical bill ("med insurance is taking care of MOST expenses... I hope") had reached $10,075.... KNAVE editor Ian Pemble has abandoned girlie magazines for a job in advertising: will his successor be as eager to pay vast sums for old Langford fanzine articles? Stay tuned.... PAUL SKELTON begs me to tell the world he's folding his fanzine SFD ("Look, I know it ranks, on the scale of fannish importance, about on a par with Keith Walker discovering a typo, but --").... AVEDON CAROL wishes to make it clear that "no version of my name or any name I have used in the past or plan to use in the future contains any of the following: Hansen. Mrs. Rob.".... JON COWIE complained of vile allegations about Beccon last issue, though the rest of the Beccon committee didn't seem to mind much.... LUCY HUNTZINGER has published (in Robert Lichtman's nifty TRAP DOOR) details of her open-secret marriage to Phil Palmer, and claims that in a brave attempt at contraflow consummation, Phil will be moving to San Francisco.... LATE RIP NOTE: THEODORE STURGEON died on 8 May aged 67; the eulogies are long past, but it remains a deeply depressing event. (Dan Morgan was unkeen on the widely syndicated Aldiss tribute: "I admired Sturgeon's writing for its human yet fantastical qualities. Pity Brian didn't see fit to dwell on those rather than drivelling on about the poor sod's sexual proclivities, which are completely irrelevant at this stage. God save us from obits written by such friends!" [DM]) .... JACK GAUGHAN, famed professional artist since the early 60s and winner of several Hugos, died of cancer on 21 July, aged 54 [SFC].... BILL EVANS, long-time Washington fan and bibliographer (eg. the legendary Pavlat/Evans INDEX OF SF FANZINES) died on 24 June, aged 64 [SFC].... A skeletal hand burst in July from the grave of the horror/fantasy fanzine GOTHIQUE, bony fingers clutching a 20th Anniversary Issue courtesy of the British Fantasy Society. (80p inc. P&P from editor Stan Nicholls, Flat 2, Allison Ct, 43 Parkhill Rd, London, NW3 2YD). Your reporter is not afraid to admit having stuffed himself with free food at the merry exhumation party. COMPLAINTS DEPT.: LETTERS TERESA NIELSEN HAYDEN: "A splendidly wretched story is going the rounds regarding doings at Pocket Books. They recently brought out yet another Star Trek novel, called KILLING TIME (seems to be an unlucky title), by Sondra Marshak & Myrna Culbreath. The original MS had K&S overtones: you know, amateur- written ST universe spinoff stories, some book- length, ranging from suggestive-but-mushy romances [that run heavily to Liebestod endings] to hardcore porn, all featuring a homosexual relationship between Kirk & Spock. Bizarre stuff, but it has a fair-sized, intensely loyal, rather secretive, and overwhelmingly female following. Anyway -- Paramount Studios LOATHES K&S, and when the MS was sent for approval someone there marked all those passages for deletion. Time passes; Pocket prints 250K copies and ships out some 100-150K of them. KILLING TIME's been on the stands for a while now, and even though Pocket is pulling every copy it can lay hands on, and shredding the copies in their warehouse, it's much too late to get them all back. Apparently, somewhere in the period circa Mimi Panich's departure from Pocket and Karen Haas's arrival, an unidentified and gremlinish hand went through the MS and carefully marked `STET' next to all the passages Paramount has asked to have deleted. The friend who told me about this snafu read one of the objected-to scenes to me over the phone, and while it isn't the really raunchy `He'd wondered if IT were green, too' stuff, the tone is unmistakable. Cognoscenti are snapping up all the still- available copies; it's bound to become a collector's item, and as everyone observes, it couldn't happen to a more deserving publisher." [TNH] TED WHITE: "Words cannot express the emotions I felt when I discovered that Martin Morse Wooster had done it again: Made A Few Factual Errors in his High Class Reportage.... "First, I am NOT the `editor of STARDATE'. Dave Bischoff is STARDATE's editor; I am editorial director. "Second, it is WHOLLY UNTRUE that `controversy has already erupted between [me] and the publisher', and equally false to say that the publisher `wants much more Trek material'. I have no idea where Martin picked up these bits of gossip, but it certainly wasn't from an informed source. The publisher, by the way, is Dana Lombardy, who may or may not fit Wooster's description of him as `an unreconstructed Trekkie', but is the author of the gaming columns in ANALOG and ASIMOV'S, and thus no stranger to sf magazines. "STARDATE will NOT be a `Trekkie magazine' but a multi- media sf magazine -- the first such, in fact. While STAR TREK will have its place in the pages, so also will DR WHO, sf role-playing gaming, comics (starting with Steve Stiles' `On the Brightside') and straight sf. To ensure we achieve high standards of quality, we have set up a budget which offers 10 cents a word -- making STARDATE the highest paying magazine in the sf field (sorry about that, Terry). The appeal to me is to reconcile all these elements in a dynamic magazine. "I'm amused to hear that bets are being taken over our failure. Could this be wishful thinking on Wooster's part? At the just-past Disclave he and Darrell Schweitzer (two of my favourite people) could be seen with their heads together quite frequently, apparently praying for our speedy failure. (Darrell now flinches and turns away when he sees me coming; is he afraid I'll follow Harlan's example and punch him out for repeatedly calling me `the worst editor in the history of sf'? If he is, I'm afraid he overestimates himself....) "Speaking of Disclave, the highlight (or SOMETHING of that convention was the Meet The Pros In Their Underwear party. An amazing sight, and not one for the squeamish. I had never before realized how many of this country's lesser pros were overweight men with tiny dinkies pointing aimlessly through the stained fabric of their jockey shorts. There were a few women in similar states of undress, but unfortunately those who exposed the most had the least to reveal. A pathetic party, all in all; I left at the point when Darrell Schweitzer was stripped to his none too clean underpants. I've seen monkeys in zoos before. "PS: STARDATE's editorial address is: 1010 Vermont Ave NW, Suite 910, Washington, DC 20005. Phone: 202 393-5233." [TW] GREG BENFORD: "I hazard a guess that the `unattributable rumour' you cite in ANSIBLE arose from my describing my trip to the USSR to David Pringle, and mentioning that as is usual, the CIA came and asked me questions about it. This is a loooong way from being an agent. It does raise the amusing idea of the intelligence community trying to infiltrate INTERZONE through Pringle, and finding it resembles the Balkans in 1913.... "Actually, I heard in the USSR that Eurocon 85 was axed because the KGB couldn't see monitoring all those people with their weird habits...." [GB] DAVID PRINGLE: "I wish Colin Greenland had not decided to air INTERZONE's dirty linen in public, and I have no desire to make a detailed response to his remarks in A43. Yes, there was a dispute -- an argument which dragged on for several months -- and yes, Colin has resigned from the magazine. I'd like to correct one of his statements. `David Pringle wants complete control of the magazine,' he says. That is not so. In fact, I now share editorial responsibility for IZ equally with Simon Ounsley. I am very happy with this arrangement, and confident that it will last for a long time. Moreover, since Colin's resignation we have `promoted' Judith Hanna from Assistant to Associate Editor: she will be closely involved with the magazine's day-to-day running and will have a full say, with Simon and me, in the choice of stories." [DP] [Simon wrote making the same points, slightly obscured by an elaborate metaphor involving vibrators, grapes and fudge.] JOSEPH NICHOLAS: "BALLARD SHOCK HORROR! Which famous, Booker-nominated, GUARDIAN Fiction Prize-winner, invited to review a book for CND's magazine SANITY, spurned the offer with the statement that he was strongly pro-Bomb and totally opposed to CND and all its works? None other than the author of EMPIRE OF THE SUN, actually, whose letter now hangs on the wall of the CND Publications Office beneath the legend `Attention All Ballard Fans!' In the light of this, can David Pringle still proclaim Ballard to the skies?" [JMN] [To quote Mr Ballard in RE/SEARCH 8/9: "I want MORE nuclear weapons! ...I want my own cruise missile at the bottom of my garden." He should like my THE LEAKY ESTABLISHMENT.] BRIAN ALDISS: "Last night, glamorous Central London Poly was the scene of a meeting for many celebrities, ARTISTES, & notorious intellectuals, as Channel 4 videoed A HISTORY OF PSYCHIATRY. The latter was an amazing, one-man, spontaneous, ad-libbed, free-association caper by John Sessions. Gavrilo Princep started the 20th century, Freud had his room decorated by a Mr Schicklgruber, etc. The whole masterminded by KEN CAMPBELL, genius of Theatre, Mime, and N.4. Glimpsed in the 100-strong audience were singer Dotti Green, Gerry Webb, Brian Aldiss...." [BA, 26 June] CHARLES PLATT: "Andy Porter has quoted a large chunk of my ANSIBLE 43 piece without permission or attribution. I seriously think you should complain about his stealing your news. (All he had to do was call me and get a fresh quote from me.)." [CP] [Semi-professional Andy, whose SF CHRONICLE ethical standards are an example to us all, has jolly decently issued a correction and acknowledgement in his September issue. He's also cancelled Charles's "Gabby Snitch" column in SFC, owing to horror at a quite funny Platt hoax in FANTASY REVIEW -- inventing an obscure, pseudonymous Stephen King porno novel to pull collectors' legs. King's lawyer failed to see the joke, and demanded mass grovelling: ANSIBLE has thus reluctantly shelved its similar expose of early J.G.Ballard contributions to the NEWS OF THE WORLD and BEANO.] BENEDICT S.CULLUM: "I'm halfway through a subscription to WARRIOR and was dismayed, on returning home from college, to find I'd received no copies since Easter. I rang up Quality and learned that the Marvel/Quality action was over; that the writer involved (Alan Moore, I think) had reluctantly agreed to change the name of his MARVELMAN strip; that WARRIOR was currently being redesigned; and that the reason for this was the return of issues 25/26 by the wholesalers. "It seems that W.H.Smith Wholesale love WARRIOR. WHS Retail, though, don't know where to put it, won't take it, and leave the wholesale department to return 40,000 copies to Quality with the message that they'll stock it, perhaps even SELL the odd copy, provided Quality change the format. It's not a juvenile publication and with its present design cannot be marketed elsewhere on their shelves. "Quality reckon they'll have the new format ready soon. What gets me is the total control WHS seem to have over such ventures. I remember that you, when associated with EXTRO, had similar problems. I'd like to contact someone with a bit of clout in the WHS organization but I've got this horrible vision of any publication I mention being put on a blacklist by some faceless director as a punishment for having the kind of readership that answers back. Any ideas?" [BSC] GEORGE HAY: "Met Karl Edward Wagner and his lady the other day, and heard how, because he is now doing story treatments for films, he gets limited-English-vocabulary phone calls from Dino de Laurentiis. Thus: "`Karl -- you know about Rambo?' "`Yes, Dino, I know about Rambo.' "`You know about kidnapping in Beirut?' "`Yes, Dino, I know about kidnapping in Beirut.' "`You know about Delta Force?' (Apparently this is some Italian Special Task Force.) "`Yes, Dino, I know about Delta Force.' "`Well, Karl, I was thinking, suppose Rambo goes with Delta Force to take out terrorists in Beirut, would make good film, no? You want to make film outline treatment?'" [GH] R.I.BARYCZ: "STARMAN enjoyed greatly. Not much can be said about it as film -- the plot was swiss cheesy as usual, the visuals impressive, the science suspect (as usual) and even the non-science, eg. the incredibly touching episode where the Starman brings a dead deer tied on the bonnet of a hunter's car back to life. All together now: aaahhh. But I recall some natural history TV programme on US National Parks etc that allow deer hunting and I'm sorry to say that before ye noble hunter ties his kill to his bonnet he takes his Bowie knife and disembowels the creature to (a) reduce weight and (b) stop his venison tainting as the vegetable matter in the deer's guts ferments away. Very chauvinist pic, too -- he leaves the heroine pregnant but with HIS baby entirely, genetic inheritance and all. Well, what else did one expect from a Starman with seven balls...." [RIB] CHARLES STROSS: "Would the 1985 Cassandra Summer Workshop bear any resemblance to last year's, or would the nature of the beast be transformed by the presence of Bob Shaw? I was disabused of this notion when Ian Watson descended on me, looking more like Ken Livingstone than ever. Unlike his wife. Bob proved himself genuine by virtue of his attitude to alcohol ('I like about four cans of Special Brew as a nightcap before I go to bed, sometimes'), relieving me of the inevitable fear that Bernard Smith had corralled the wrong Mr Shaw. The workshop got off to a flying start, and as before everybody seemed to get something out of it -- mostly a lot of abuse from the rest of us. It was revealed that Bob had the honour of publishing the last story in IMAGINE (issue 30) and had just completed a 120,000 MS for Gollancz, provisionally titled INVISIBLE MOUNTAINS until he can think of something more catchy. With regard to IMAGINE's demise, Hilary Robinson opined that it was because the US parent company felt their own, indifferent product THE DRAGON was being threatened by the British zine which was outselling it in the States as well as at home.... This workshop might even get to be a regular annual event if everyone feels about it in six months what they felt on leaving. Anything that hurts so much MUST be good for you." [CS] THE BECCON SCENARIO: MARCUS ROWLAND Beccon feels like one of those institutions which has been around forever (like a Burgess pork pie) -- though 1985's was only the third, and the fourth, if it ever happens, will be the 1987 Eastercon. I always think of Beccons as taking place in hot sunny weather: in this year's drizzle and gloom, the bar stayed packed throughout the weekend, rather than the crowd spilling on to the hotel lawn.... Actual events on Friday were low-key, eg. Colin Fine's "Cards Sharp" quiz (notable for the most incomprehensible rules I've ever seen) and Jon Cowie's fannish talk on computer prediction, the Club of Rome, and Thatcherite economics. It's a law of nature that overhead projector reliability is inversely proportional to the need for visual aids: Beccon's broke down two minutes after the first transparency, leaving 15 acetate sheets circulating around the audience. Minutes before the end, the committee's technical wizards cracked the problem: the mains supply had failed! Saturday moved towards two climaxes: the GoH speech and the midnight fireworks display. A certain D.Langford arrived expecting to see the SPOCK IN MANACLES stage show, a bad move since this took place on Sunday. Richard Cowper's speech was witty, informative, but somehow a little forgettable; the display was the most impressive yet, accompanied by Ride of the Valkyries (sans helicopters), the 1812 Overture and Handel's Royal Fireworks Music. A highlight was the large ground-level detonation whose shockwave rattled teeth and hotel windows: reportedly a honeymoon couple had booked into the hotel half an hour previously, and few fans could resist the line "Did the earth move for you, darling?" Sunday's main event was the afternoon premiere of SPOCK IN MANACLES. [This is what Teresa meant by K&S.... DRL] Fine performances by Pete Gilligan (Kirk), Geoff Ryman (Spock), Laura Wheatley (Yeoman Lotta Bottle), Graham Head (McCoy AND Scott) and Caroline Mullan (Nurse Chapel) were counterpointed by Kim Campbell as a slightly OTT Amazon Queen, Steve Lawson as the chief expendable security guard and shop steward, and Brian Ameringen as the goat. Music by Ian Sorensen included "Bestiality's Best" (to the tune of "Tie Me Kangaroo Down"). A collection raised hundreds of pounds for Live Aid; sales of scripts, books and tapes should bring in funds for some time. Next morning saw survivors tearfully parting in the lobby, and driving home through torrential rain. Only one worry about the future of Beccon: given the steady escalation of the fireworks displays (soon to violate SALT agreements) and the proximity of the planned '87 venue (NEC) to Birmingham International Airport... h'mm. [MLR] C.O.A ALYSON L.ABRAMOWITZ, 132 Burnetts Grove Circle, Netean, Ontario, Canada K2J 1S9 :: BRIAN AMERINGEN, see Caroline Mullan :: ARROW BOOKS (now "A division of Century/Hutchinson Ltd), Brookmount House, 62-65 Chandos Place, Covent Garden, London, WC2N 4NW :: MICHAEL ASHLEY, 5 Woodville Terrace, Bradford, W Yorks, BD5 0JH :: WILLIAM & JANE BAINS, 146 North Rd, Combe Down, Bath, BA2 5DL :: DAVID V.BARRETT: new address "not for publication" :: rICH bROWN, 1808 Lamont NW, Washington, DC 20010, USA :: PETER COHEN, 16 Greenhill Close, Winchester, Hants :: SHAREE CARTON, 2315 Bush St (1), San Francisco, CA 94115, USA :: OSCAR DALGLEISH, 201 Chiswick Village, London, W4 3DG :: JOHN DALLMAN, Flat 4, 27 Terront Rd, Tottenham, London, N.15 :: LILIAN EDWARDS, 1 Braehead Rd, Thorntonhall, Glasgow, until 1 Oct: then Queen's College, Cambridge :: AHRVID ENGHOLM & LOTTIE ERIKSSON, Renstiernas Gata 29, S-116 31 Stockholm, Sweden :: ALAN FERGUSON, 52 High St, Sawston, Cambs, CB2 4BG :: ANNE HAMILL (not Anne Warren, please): as before :: MALCOLM HODKIN is temporarily indeterminate. On 27 Sept: "Baidland", 19 Lade Braes Lane, St Andrews, Fife, KY16 :: AKE JONSSON, Regementsgatan 53, S-723 45 Vasteras, Sweden (NB: Ake never actually moved, spurious complications arising from the existence of Ake Jonsson [with an umlaut on the O] in Uppsala.) :: BERNARD LEAK, 50 Searle St, Cambridge, CB4 3DB :: PETE LYON, 9 Church Ave, Leeds, LS6 4JX :: LYNNE ANN MORSE, Noordwal 2, 2513 EA Den Haag, Netherlands (also correct for Roelof Goudriaan: ignore A43 misprimp) :: CAROLINE MULLAN, 9 Graham Rd, Wealdstone, Harrow, HA3 5RP :: ANNE PAGE, 304a Main St, High Blantyre, Glasgow, G72 0DH :: IAN PEMBLE, 139 Andrewes House, Barbican, London, EC2Y 8BA :: CAMILLA POMEROY, 42 Heol Gleien, Cwmtwrch-isaf, Swansea, SA9 2TR :: DAVID POWER, 40 South Ave, Abingdon, Oxon, OX14 1QR :: CHRIS PRIEST is heading for Pewsey, Wilts :: DAVE & JENNY RAGGETT, 288 Ashley Down Rd, Ashley Down, Bristol, BS7 9BQ :: LEAH ZELDES SMITH, 2007 West Howard St, Evanston, IL 60202, USA :: IAN SORENSEN, see Anne Page :: NEIL THOMPSON, 37 Southwold Place, Beaconhill Green, Cramington, Northumberland :: BOB TUCKER, 2516/H East Washington, Bloomington, IL 61701, USA :: MY BIT In beer veritas. I was in the pub talking to Steve Higgins about the theory of fanzines, an awkward subject since he actually HAS a theory of fanzines and I'm not sure that I do. He lashed out with the sort of cruelly penetrating shaft of savage wit with which people are always flaying my sensitive ego (ie. "When's the next ANSIBLE, Dave?"), and I was interested to hear my mouth say: "I'd been thinking of changing ANSIBLE a bit... it tends to boil down to exquisite, crystalline condensations of COA listings and who's won what, owing to my Duty to the Public, and I'd thought of loosening up with some more personal stuff -- as in earlier days." "Great," he said. "What sort of stuff?" "Er, well, maybe I could take a tip from all those fascinating SFWA raconteurs and write about my word processor." For some reason Steve went very silent and thoughtful. Still, there are personal oddments which can't be flagged as hot news ("ANSIBLE scoop! Langford squeezes spot!").... For example, I mentioned SFWA up there (they DO rabbit on about word processors). I dropped out recently owing to lack of money -- also, because of an Interesting Contrast. I was having a desultory fight with Arrow, whose sales department remaindered my THE SPACE EATER without notifying either the editorial department or, as required by contract, the author. I'd wanted to buy up the books and flog 'em to you lot for vast profits (I do have a few, if you're desperate) -- and suggested that compensation for said lost profits would be in order. Arrow said, approximately, "All right, we apologize, now piss off." Informed of this, SFWA said, approximately, "Sorry, we'd have to sue them to get anything and we don't do that." The Society of Authors, however, despatched a barrage of rude letters and in short order had extracted compensation from an enfeebled Nick Webb (then Arrow boss -- now deposed as a by-product of the Century takeover). No hard feelings, and the compensation wasn't THAT huge, but it was strangely easy to decide which writers' organization I stayed with.... Nick Webb, meanwhile, has slavishly followed me to Sphere Books. The first copy of their paperback LEAKY ESTABLISHMENT (a thinly disguised chunk of Langford autobiography) has just arrived, and nearly gave me a heart attack, since under my name it says HUGO AWARD WINNING AUTHOR. They wouldn't! They couldn't! On closer inspection: they hadn't, but editor Colin Murray is a mean man with the Letraset. Autographed copies will be almost unescapable at Novacon. Another likely Novacon publication is THE TRANSATLANTIC HEARING AID, a revised and damn nearly posthumous one-volume edition of my TAFF report, even now being finally pasted up by Rob (Inca Press) Jackson. To anyone who since 1980 has maintained unwavering faith that this monster WOULD appear, I offer thanks and polite disbelief. Cost: around #2 plus an uncertain amount of postage. To break up the tedium of the prose, cartoons have been provided by fanartists who are household names: Stu Kellogg, Alexis Hoover, Rob Heinz.... Place your order yesterday! Act without thinking! MANUAL FOR AN ATOMIC SWEDE: AHRVID ENGHOLM Bad days have hit the Swedish prozines, in the form of economic troubles. NOVA SF is cutting down from bimonthly to quarterly, and will from this autumn be published as a paperback magazine to save production costs. (Meanwhile we have less money and fewer pages to publish stories on: there's a bundle of stories labelled "To be bought" and D.Langford's is on top of it, but we have to wait a while yet.) The other prozine, JULES VERNE MAGASINET, has cut down from 80 to 64 pages and announced a fat increase in subscription fees. (At the same time, Ahrvid Engholm has sold his *first* story to JVM, a short piece called "Manual for an Atomic Bomb". No connection, we hope.) A central Swedish fanzine library is being started by the Alvar Appeltofft Memorial Foundation, with a view to reference and fan-historical work. The keystone of the collection of Sam J.Lundwall's Swedish fanzine collection (bought by the Foundation in April).... SEFF is now open for nominations for next year's race (probably to the British Eastercon, but nominators can vote on this too: since SEFF has no "natural" goal each year, it's possible to have different conventions as goals for the different candidates).... Swedish fandom is presently stricken by a feverish outburst of incomprehensible feuding between many top fans; another popular occupational therapy is... hush... secret APAs. At least half a dozen have started this year, and every one has been revealed since there's always someone among the handful of members who can't refrain from telling someone else.... John- Henri Holmberg and Per Insulanders, editors of NOVA, are planning a huge SCANCON in Stockholm next summer: "We aim for 1000 attendees." [AE] INFINITELY IMPROBABLE "HOLD HORNS HIGH!" writes Brian Aldiss: "I shall expect you to join the Aldiss Appreciation Triad...." Incipient groupies can now rush #8/annum to Pauline Valentine, 25 Margarets Ave, Long Eaton, Derbyshire, receiving in exchange a lapel badge ("I'm Backing Brian"?) and such quarterly joys as "news of Brian's activities... hopefully Questions from Members and a Brian W.Aldiss Answer Page." Fame, at last. UNSUITABLE: Charles Platt's new fanzine REM reveals with deadpan glee that he took legal advice about a possible damages suit following the Ellison Assault (A43) -- only to be informed by a regretful attorney that, for the purposes of a lucrative case, "Mr Ellison just isn't quite famous enough." FANFUNDERY: declared candidates for the '86 TAFF race, UK to Atlanta, are Judith Hanna and Simon Ounsley. TAFF '87 is aiming (by popular US demand) for Eastercon rather than Conspiracy: Brian Earl Brown, Allyn Cadogan and Jeanne Gomoll have emerged from the closet, which contains at least one more sucker.... GUFF '87 will run from Australia to Conspiracy, aspirants so far consisting of Valma Brown. SEFF (Europe to Swecon) was won by write-in candidate Jim Barker: JB 72 first- place votes, Hans-Jurgen Mader 32, Steve Green 21. A late Swedish campaign swung the result; in the absence of write- ins, Steve would have just won. One or two bitter Midland voices have been heard comparing this with last winter's TAFF trauma: one can't deny that it was something of a blow for the two candidates actually on the ballot. Interestingly, though, the broken-down voting figures JUST meet TAFF's new "20%" requirement (A43).... COFF: this major unpopularity poll's voting leak (A43) was denounced as "unreliable" by fans who asked questions like "What about all the votes I put in for Katie Hoare?" Steve Green and Kev Clarke are now co-administrating the concrete overcoats: 10p/vote still, to 191 Valley Rd, Solihull, West Midlands. Future leaks will be Guaranteed and Official, and the uncoveted trophy itself will be presented at Novacon. In a feeble attempt to be even more controversial, Steve writes that "one plan to liven up Novacon 14 which might have overshadowed even the stripper was a guest appearance by well- known sf fan Ken Livingstone; sadly he was unable to attend." UNIDENTIFIED FOOT-IN-MOUTH OBJECT? Our pseudoscience expert John Grant reports that lovable sceptic Ian Ridpath made a clot of himself in a recent radio (LBC) debate, his savagely reasoned assault on Jenny Randles and her SCIENCE AND THE UFOS (with Peter Warrington) being slightly deflated when he was "shown not to have read the book". Inflamed by this and by a Ridpath review in NEW SCIENTIST, Ms Randles is rumoured to be contemplating legal action.... [PB/ED] CONVENTION MENTIONS: ARTICON (4-6 Oct) is another Hatfield Poly "Shoestringcon": #2 supp #4 att to 17 Royston Rd, St Albans, Herts.... NOVACON 15 (1-3 Nov): fascinating committee punch-ups were rumoured, over subjects like Who Types The Souvenir Fiction Booklet (this year an Ace Double). Sign up now or GoHs White & Langford will sulk. #7 to 86 Berwood Farm Rd, Wylde Green, Sutton Coldfield, Birmingham.... MEXICON 2 (7-9 Feb) has reportedly shifted to a second Birmingham hotel (did someone mention the Angus?) after horrified study of the Strathallan's performance at Lazlar Lyricon. Still #9 to 24a Beech Rd, London, N11 2DA.... ALBACON III (Easter, Glasgow) has GoH Joe Haldeman and FGoH John Jarrold (a Special Mexican Guest).... XIICON (29-29 Sept 86, Glasgow): GoH is Harry Harrison. #6 att until 26 Sept 85, to "Beachfield", Calfmuir Rd, Lenzie, Glasgow, G66 3JJ.... PERTH (the Australian one) is reportedly bidding for the 1994 Worldcon.... ASIMOV'S SF MAGAZINE is, these days, being edited by Gardner Dozois (380 Lexington Ave, New York, NY 10017, USA). BSFA COUP! A rumoured takeover plot was greeted with eager yawns from everyone except the committee (whose dim lustreless eyes glowed for the first time in years, at the glorious thought of being thrown out). Rumoured arch- conspirator Dave Hodson is practising a baleful stare after the manner of old and tired Chairman Dorey, but so far tends to overdo it.... SPINRAD BANNED AGAIN: Norman S's THE IRON DREAM is back on the Index of "youth-threatening writings" in Germany -- no advertising, no display, under-the-counter sales only [SOB]. Since the book's attack on fascist elements in SF/fantasy is sound stuff, we assume the federal inspection board fears that kids will pick up Spinrad's writing style.... DA ORGANIZATION: this Birmingham-based APA has seceded from the Birmingham SF Group, and sprouted a "fund-raising" paramilitary wing of water-pistol sharpshooters led by grim- jawed hitperson Cath Easthope. Current Organization address: c/o Eunice Pearson, 32 Digby House, Colletts Grove, Kingshurst, Birmingham, B37 6JE. Meanwhile, vibrant FRANK'S APA has fallen into the administrative hands of Ron Gemmell (79 Mansfield Close, Birchwood, Warrington, WA3 6RN) after intending administrator Maureen Porter's discovery that recent departures -- on the order of legendary lemming swarms -- had shrunk the membership below her Minimal Acceptable Level of 15, or 10, or 2, or whatever it was.... THE JOHN W.CAMPBELL MEMORIAL AWARD for best SF novel of 1984 went to Frederik Pohl's THE YEARS OF THE CITY (published here by Gollancz) -- continuing the trend of giving novel awards to books of more or less linked short stories.... ANOTHER BLOODY AWARD: Arthur C.Clarke has been persuaded to put up a regular #1000 to fund an annual Clarke Award for best British SF novel. Twiddly details are under discussion at the Science Policy and SF Foundations (eg., popular vote or Select Judging Panel? One SFF person incautiously cried, "Our own Booker Prize at last!"). [George Hay] MORE CLARKE: "Talking of megastars, I spoke to Arthur Clarke on the 'phone when he was over here recently to tell us how wonderful 2010 is and meet Charles, Di and Wogan. He's seen the film three times now and says it gets better each time. Can you take anything the man says seriously? Once was quite adequate for me...." [A Cravenly Unattributable Source] GATHERINGS: THE NEW SOUTHERN FRIENDS IN SPACE meets "every 3rd Sunday" (?) from 15 Sept: Wellington Tavern, Waterloo Rd, near Waterloo Station.... THE READING SF (READING) GROUP now fails to discuss sf on the 3rd Thursday of each month in the Fishermen's Cottage, Kennetside, 8.30pm onward (waifs & strays should ring the Usual Numbers for directions).... THE A.CAROL FAREWELL-AMERICA PARTY "...was marred only by the tendency of the attendees to periodically throw themselves upon Avedon and sob hopelessly. The T-shirt she wore that night, now encrusted with salt, has been forwarded to the Gary Farber Museum of Fanhistory, where the curator will lose it. A belated attempt to appoint a new Charismatic Leader was made; after giving due consideration to Stu Shiffman, Ted White was selected via mystic processes and informed of his new status. "Who, ME?" he yelped, his eyes bugging out in a way that, with practice (on the part of the beholders), could be considered Charismatic. Later Ted made his first pronouncements as C.L., announcing the creation of a new trufannish Lodge: the fwa Order of Magnitude. This is to contain 360 successive hierarchical degrees, arranged in a circle to guarantee that OM adepts arrive right back where they started from; to prevent the Order's levels being infiltrated by frivolous- minded conventioneers, advancement will be obtainable only through posted on-paper activity... that is, these are mail- order degrees...." [Teresa NH, 5-85] LISA TUTTLE, writing up her STARBURST interview with Colin "Lifeforce" Wilson, strangely neglected to include the Gorran Haven Sage's main line of conversation -- dealing with such mysteries of the occult as how attracted Mr Wilson is to young lady interviewers in tight jeans. CW hopes to collaborate with A.E.van Vogt on a sequel to THE SPACE VAMPIRES, a prospect to make grown critics pull their own heads off.... ERIC BENTCLIFFE sends a tiny newspaper clipping from, evidently, an alternate world: "New Jersey in the early 50s. Harlan, an accountant, becomes obsessed with catching a man who keeps stealing his milk." Not as alarming as the headline sent by indefatigable Dave Wood: WEST JOINS JESUS FURORE.... "BUT THIS LOOKS GOOD..." An SFC listing of October (US) books features CONTACT by Carl Sagan. Publishers Simon & Schuster say it's "NOT science fiction. It is an engrossing, believable novel, rich in detail and peopled by characters about whose lives we CARE." Yep, including the aliens. ROBERT HALE LTD "have no intention of publishing SF/ fantasy `within the foreseeable future'", reports Charles Stross, presumably after his 17 novels were bounced. Famous "Venture SF" editor Rog Peyton meanwhile repudiates ANSIBLE claims that his first two novel choices were Hale reprints: no.1 wasn't, the publishers having merely CLAIMED Hale paternity in hope of increasing the series' prestige. Further rash Peyton statements (concerning how many Venture SF books he himself has been able to finish) are, alas, unquotable.... HAZEL'S LANGUAGE LESSONS #35: GREEK contributed by Vince Clarke rafanizou to thrust a radish up the fundament; a punishment for adulterers in Athens. ANSIBLE 44, 94 London Rd, Reading, Berks, RG1 5AU. [Ends] ANSIBLE 45, 1986: PLEASE NOTE that this old ANSIBLE is a bit of history. Addresses may have changed (the editor's postal address hasn't, but ignore old e-mail addresses), prices and agents' credits are invalid, etc. Dave Langford, ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk, 1993. ============================================================= ANSIBLE 45 FEBRUARY 1986 ISSN 0265-9816 Just as a desperate hope was beginning to enter fans' eyes and rumours of a fold had reached even the most inefficient of newshounds (me), it's more from DAVE LANGFORD, 94 LONDON ROAD, READING, BERKSHIRE, RG1 5AU, UK. Subscriptions: still 5 issues for #2 sterling: cheques/money orders to ANSIBLE, Girobank transfer to a/c 24 475 4403. Or: $3.50 to US agents Mary & Bill Burns (23 Kensington Court, Hempstead, NY 11550); $4A to Aussie agent Irwin Hirsh, 2/416 Dandenong Rd, North Caulfield, Vic 3161. Sample issue: send SAE or IRC (but if reading this, do you need a sample?). Phone: Reading (0734) 665804 and be ready to shout. Electronic mail: no more, since I have finally and happily said Poot to stingy Prestel. Mailing labels, as I write, are in turmoil and doubt: credit probably goes to Hazel. DATA PROTECTION ACT: should you be unwilling to have your name, credit rating and intimate sexual details kept in computer storage, please send a postcard with this standard form of words -- "Dear Dave, kindly remove my name from the computer and spend the rest of my ANSIBLE subscription on beer." Art by Pete Lyon (right), D.West (within), Dan Steffan (back); clipping via T&P Nielsen Hayden. ============================================================= PROFESSIONAL FOULS BSFA AWARD: the final ballot has just arrived, and has its moments of exceeding tastefulness. Shortlisted: NOVEL HELLICONIA WINTER (Brian Aldiss), THE ANUBIS GATES (Tim Powers), KITEWORLD (Keith Roberts), THE WARRIOR WHO CARRIED LIFE (Geoff Ryman), FREE LIVE FREE (Gene Wolfe); SHORT "A Young Man's Journey to Viriconium" (M.John Harrison), "Cube Root" (ME, whoopee), "Kitemistress" (Kite Roberts), "O Happy Day!" (Geoff Ryman), "The People on the Precipice" (Ian Watson) -- all from INTERZONE and its anthology; MEDIA BRAZIL, MAD MAX II -- BEYOND THUNDERDOME, MAX HEADROOM, THE TERMINATOR, THE TRIPODS; ARTIST Jim Burns, Peter Jones, Rodney Matthews, Ian Miller, Tim White. ROB HOLDSTOCK (for it was he) received ANSIBLE's award for most memorable award acceptance speech, when at the BFS Yule party he was given his World Fantasy Award (for MYTHAGO WOOD) by sensuous Jo Fletcher. The World Fantasy Award, you will recollect, is a head of H.P.Lovecraft bizarrely crafted by Gahan Wilson. Rob regarded this for a timeless moment, and said, approximately, "This is going to be an amazing day to write up in my diary! Got up -- went to the pub -- had a great time -- was given head by Jo Fletcher...." After which Geoff Ryman's bemused reception of a similar trophy for his "The Unconquered Country" (best novelette) had in it I know not what of anticlimax. Other WFAs went to Barry Hughart's BRIDGE OF BIRDS (tie with MYTHAGO WOOD), CLIVE BARKER'S BOOKS OF BLOOD (collection), Scott Baker's "Still Life with Scorpion" and Alan Ryan's "The Bones Wizard" (tie: short), Edward Gorey (artist, and about time too), Chris van Allsburg's THE MYSTERIES OF HARRIS BURDICK (wot?) and Stuart David Schiff's WHISPERS (semipro thing). Theodore Sturgeon got a long overdue Life Achievement trophy as the customary reward for being dead, and Evangeline Walton had a Special Award for her literary triumph of being World Fantasy Con guest of honour. LISA TUTTLE notes: "There's a new(ish) US magazine called STARDATE (billing itself as The Multi-Media SF Magazine), edited by David Bischoff, and though it doesn't have British distribution, David is eager to have stories by British SF writers. So he's asked me to act as a kind of agent/first reader, in case the cost of US postage seems prohibitive. Anyone wishing to sell stories to STARDATE, therefore, can send them to me and (if I like them -- the stories, I mean, not the writers; buying me a drink at the Tun is NOT obligatory) I'll pass them on to David. Stories under 5,000 words preferred, although after the magazine goes monthly (February) they will also be buying some longer stories, up to 10,000 words. No fantasy or horror -- stories must be SF, although what KIND of SF is flexible." (1 Ortygia House, 6 Lower Rd, Harrow, Middlesex, HA2 0DA) DOWN THE TUBES in 1985: SPACE VOYAGER and STARBURST, the latter subsequently flogged by Marvel to an unpromising outfit called Visual Imagination, who produced issue 88 (full of stuff for which Marvel had wittily paid off invoices at 50%) and subsided in a scuttle of contributors fleeing new, EVEN LOWER word rates.... John Brosnan's film column was first to go, being regarded by the new order as inadequately supportive and toadying: "In my final column I ripped to shreds Chris Priest's favourite movie, the execrable COCOON. So I'm going to relish the thought of all those COCOON fans frothing at the mouth and writing in to complain, only to discover that the magazine has finished and their letters attacking me will never see print. Heh heh." [JB].... Melbourne's famous SPACE AGE BOOKS has had to go into liquidation: "our main American supplier really screwed us up by not supplying all the books we needed," says Merv Binns (see COAs).... COLONY EARTH is a UFOlogy mag with the characteristic stigmata of total credulity and partial literacy: famous unpublished novelist Charles Stross bought the "pre-launch" issue and responded with a novel-length critique which (after a flurry of phone calls from worried publishers Bracebeck Ltd -- anyone heard of them?) seems to have put paid to the whole project. An example of CE's rigorous analysis: the "Here men from Earth first set foot on the Moon" plaque is severely criticized for its assumption that the Moon dwellers to whom it is obviously addressed would be able to read English.... BFS OPEN NIGHT: the usual drunken fun was had on 29 Nov, albeit with serious purpose -- raising cash for noted fantasy author Manly Wade Wellman. Details of what happened to him tend to have been glossed over, no doubt for excellent legal reasons, so I'll stick to a hypothetical case based on remarks by Jo Fletcher, thus: Should one enter hospital, comatose and with a broken arm, and should a doubtless wholly justifiable failure to turn one in bed lead to (in succession) bedsores, gangrene and the amputation of both one's legs, one might be a trifle depressed were the hospital to charge in excess of a quarter of a million dollars for its care and attention. Back in reality: Wellman ran out of medical insurance, forcing the sale of his home and entire book collection. US friends including David Drake and Karl Edward Wagner are reportedly trying to organize something on the legal side ("could take six years"). Meanwhile, Di Wathen of the BFS can accept cheques, to "British Fantasy Society" with "Wellman Fund" on the back, at 15 Stanley Rd, Morden, Surrey. NOTHING EXCEEDS LIKE EXCESS So what HAVE I been doing all these aeons? Embarrassed hanging of head, shuffling of feet. In October, I and erstwhile author Chris Priest got involved in being "Ansible Information", peddling literary software to the gentry, gaining vast egoboo from computer-mag reviews, getting shortlisted for British Microcomputing Awards, and generally mortifying our sensitive fannish souls in the temple of Mammon. Where will it all end? Probably in court, since old habits die hard and in spare moments I've been gleefully libelling incompetent manufacturers and shifty dealers all over the country.... On a still less elevated literary plane, "John Grant" and I have delivered EARTHDOOM, the ultimate disaster novel, in which EVERY disaster happens. The awesome pattern of doom escalates from tiny beginnings (Nick Austin of Grafton buys the book) to the final Armageddon of a review in VECTOR. This exclusive extract from a draft blurb (which Nick may or may not have the sense to tear up) should give the flavour: "HAD THE SUN GONE NOVA? Astronomers had trained their mighty infrared telescopes upward, night after night, to unravel the enigma. But then... IT happened!" Wait, in dread, for 1987. THE TRANSATLANTIC HEARING AID is the collected Langford TAFF report, lovingly produced by master craftsmen at Inca Press (oh, all right, Rob Jackson): 74pp of photo-reduced print enshrining cosmic truth, inner secrets of US Worldcons, and both my popular jokes. #2.25 post free; or a mere #2 if you collect it in person from my soiled hands. Lastly... extremely sincere thanks to those ANSIBLE subscribers who didn't complain about the gap between issues occasioned by all the above. Both of you are just wonderful. SHAMELESS SELF-PROMOTION: THE LETTER COLUMN WM GIBSON: "Dear Fellow Hugo-Winner... I would like to point out, for the benefit of my massive and utterly devoted British following, that the version of my second novel, COUNT ZERO, which will run in serial lumps (three) in ASIMOV'S SF, is a special Lite version with reduced MOTHERFUCKER-count and no graphic but intensely poetic and moving descriptions of oral sex. "At IASFM," I was told, "you can't come in anybody's mouth." I should also point out that these changes were made under my supervision and with my express approval. I agreed to go along with them, after due soul-searching, when it was pointed out to me how urgently young people in small towns in the US NEED fiction of this sort, and how much my new car is going to cost. "But with Gollancz, friends, you get it ALL!" [WG] JEFFREY ARCHER (replying to George Hay's plea for the Conservative Party to "enlist the interest of British youth in space developments"): "Thank you for your recent letter expressing your ideas for helping with unemployment in this country, especially in the context of expanding the frontiers of Space. I read your letter with great interest but I regret that I do not consider myself a great expert in scientific affairs and I think would be unable to contribute with any knowledge to your debate...." Practised Parliament-watchers have interpreted this to mean "Piss off." JOSEPH NICHOLAS: "I see you misspelt globalised hegemonisation (in one of my bits) as global hegemonization (whatever that may be). Tut. This dreadful lack of acquaintance with contemporary political theory...." [LATER] "I can just about understand your objections to `globalised hegemonisation': at first sight, it does appear to have one too many suffixes, and is in any case rather a mouthful both to say and to read; but to omit that crucial suffix from the first word of the pair is to completely alter its meaning, to transform a process into a property, and abstraction into a reality: to de-theorize one of the crucial (several yards of political rhetoric omitted in the interests of sustaining your attention). Improving Marxist texts to rectify this deficiency will follow shortly." [JMN] This reminds me of the no longer hot news item that Joseph was not only planning to stand as a Labour councillor somewhere in darkest London, but had applied to become a magistrate (JP) with summary powers of high, middle and low justice over counter-revolutionary parking offenders throughout the breadth of Pimlico. Attempts to publicize the Nicholas name have already been noted in the GRAUNIAD Foot In Mouth competition results: "Bearing in mind that competition rules excluded Jeffrey Archer, entrant after entrant put up LORD GOWRIE for saying his #33,000 ministerial salary was not enough to live on in central London. The winner is Joseph Nicholas (who lives in Pimlico in central London, but does not give his salary) for the citation: `The noble lord demonstrated his deep insight into and understanding of the problems of inner city deprivation.'" [2 Jan] How well I remember that lightning wit which once had crudzine editors trembling from Lancaster to, er, Lancaster. JOHN BROSNAN: "The despicable plot by Birmingham door knob manufacturer Peter Weston to interrupt Rob Holdstock's GoH speech at Fantasycon with [another] stripper-gram was foiled when his henchman Leroy Kettle lost his nerve and cancelled the stripper at the last moment. "Weston, who wasn't at the convention on the day of the speech, had set up the plot the previous night, phoning to book the stripper and handing a drunken John Brosnan a cheque for #28 to give to the stripper's minder. `I had no idea what I was doing,' an ashen-faced Brosnan said later. `Weston and Kettle tricked me into it. when I woke up the following morning I was overcome with a wave of sexist guilt. I then managed to persuade Kettle to call up and cancel the girl...' "When Kettle, posing as Weston, rang the stripper, she said with surprise, `But Mr Weston, I just rang your wife and she confirmed the booking.' Kettle thought fast and told her that his wife was at home whereas HE was at the convention and therefore aware that the GoH, Mr Holdstock, had been taken ill and was in no condition to be subjected to a lot of bare female Birmingham flesh.... As for the cheque, Brosnan later sent it to Oxfam. `Serves that running dog of a capitalist right,' he said. `And a fitting use for money originally intended for evil, sexist purposes.' "Mr Weston was too busy taking over another small door know company to comment." [JB] MARTIN MORSE WOOSTER: "Well, CONTACT has been published. No, I'm not reading it, even though Gloria Norris of the Book of the Month Club says that Sagan is `a lively mind taking an H.G. Wellesian (SIC) relish in conjecture... [his extraterrestrials] make the standard creatures of space literature -- the blobs and ET's and little green men with antennae on their heads -- seem dull and simplistic.' "Meanwhile, the WASHINGTON POST asked a certain Peter Nicholls to review the timeless drama. `It is a rather preachy book,' Mr Nicholls reported, overflowing with `a good many discussions about religion in which the word "numinous" plays a prominent role... the tone is earnest, very much that of a youngish university lecturer talking about the state of the world after a few but not too many drinks.' Golly, Mr Nicholls, what about the PLOT? `The plot itself is one that will be recognized by SF fans who like books by professors of astronomy, for it is very similar (in the first half at least) to a book called A FOR ANDROMEDA....' "Back in the publicity department, the Book-of-the-Month Club invited cosmic-minded people from around the world to ask Sagan questions. Mr Arthur C.Clarke of Unsafe, Sri Lanka, had all sorts of questions, but only one is worth retelling. `Why is the hero of CONTACT... A WOMAN?' (Shock! Horror!) "GHASTLY SENTENCE OF THE MONTH: `The peculiar DNA complement I call my own echoed her momentary objectivity.' -- a memorable love scene from THE GALLATIN DIVERGENCE by L.Neil Smith." [MMW] ANTHONY BURGESS ("whose" letter accompanies a doctored copy of a glossy freebie mag about Jaguars): "Dear Mr Langwood, "Greetings! Here is your voucher copy of the first issue of our brilliant new monthly magazine, LEGEND. We hope you will agree that it is streets ahead of other amateur magazines, such as your own, for instance. "LEGEND (pronounced `Leg-End') is published by the newly formed Aldiss Appreciation Society in conjunction with Jaguar Cars. We aim, as you see, to cater for the chief interests of both groups, starting with a modest print of one quarter- million copies. "Each month we plan to bring you more fascinating insights from the glamorous world where literature, leisure, limousines and litigation meet. Our next issue will contain an all- new novella by Brian Aldiss entitled HELLICONIA HARDTOP. Be sure to look for it!" (This particular Anthony Burgess appears to have borrowed a well-known Oxford SF author's typewriter.) SUE THOMASON'S MILFORD REPORT Scant weeks after my first public appearance as a neopro at Milfcon '85 (guests of honour John Clute, Richard Cowper, David Garnett, Neil Gaiman, Colin Greenland, Gwyneth Jones, Garry Kilworth, Paul Kincaid, Rachel Pollack, Alex Stewart and Lisa Tuttle) I received my First Commission, in the form of a grubby postcard from the Editor of This Esteemed Scientifictional Journal. They warned me things like this might happen after Milfcon. "Okay, Dave," I riposted mentally, inserting a nice fresh piece of unsullied blank vagueness into my mental typewriter. Richard Cowper instantly manifested in his avuncular Gravesian role of The Reader Over My Shoulder. "Well..." he gestured expansively. "There are far too many adjectives here. And here's a split infinitive, and you haven't accurately imagined your typewriter which you earlier described as a word processor. Have a glass of wine," he smiled. "Aren't you going to tell them about the swimming pool," inquired Lisa Tuttle. "Oh, you mean how I jumped in after John Clute's splendid attempt to decapitate someone with a frisbee? That man's a homicidal maniac manque, AND he gets up at 5.30 in the morning..." I quipped. "No," she expostulated. "I was thinking of the time I went swimming, and discovered that the whole bottom of the pool was CRAWLING with spiders. Also I think you should mention all those walks we had down on the beach...." "Not ALL of us," Garry Kilworth intoned, laying aside his trombone and suspending himself horizontally from a lamp- post. "Garnett swears he never has been down to the sea at Milford, and he never will. It's a matter of principle." John Clute wandered in, scowling like a bear, then wandered out again. "What's he doing?" gasped Kilworth. "Oh, I've mislaid something," Clute lipblatted, wandering in again. "What?" Kilworth strained. "Oh, just an entablature of salamanders performing a myoclonic can-can*," Clute interlocuted, wandering out again. "I'm sure it's round here somewhere...." "What about the time I was telling them about a drug that you snort by sticking a five-foot-long blowpipe up your nostril, then inhaling as someone blows the drug down it from the other end? It's supposed to make you feel as though you've been hit on the nose by a brick, then you drip green snot all over everything for about five minutes; then you have to do it all over again with the other nostril," Gwyneth Jones reminisced, obviously contemplating the tasteful additions this effect would produce on her THIS WAS SEPPUKU t-shirt." "Yes, and Colin Greenland whipped out his notebook and pencil and asked if anybody knew the name of the stuff," laughed Paul Kincaid. "Bet you can't make THAT into a limerick, Neil," challenged Alex Stewart. "Five minutes," Neil Gaiman retorted. "I did it for LORD OF THE RINGS, I can do it for THAT...." "Do you want your Tarot reading now, Sue?" called Rachel Pollack from the garden. "Oh, my DEAR girl, I don't really think that this will do at all," twinkled Richard Cowper. "You set yourself up as a fantasy writer, but LOOK; this report hasn't got a map, it hasn't got a glossary, I admit it's got some silly character- names, but NOBODY SINGS. Have a glass of wine." We also read and criticized a couple of stories. APPENDIX A words superlatively misdefined in a session of Call My Bluff gleet lentor APPENDIX B superlative definition of a forgotten word in Call My Bluff "Tasmanian god, who instead of creating the world, went out to the corner shop for a packet of fags and was never heard of again." APPENDIX C a word John Clute didn't know at Scrabble eft * EDITORIAL FEETNOTE. The starred phrase, from John Clute's story, became a byword. Alleged exchange: "Isn't that rather a far-fetched image?" "No, in chapter 2 I actually INTRODUCE an entablature of salamanders performing (etc)...." Worst kept secret of the week: the contemporaneous publication of THE VOYEUR'S GUIDE TO THE MOVIES by "Tom Peep" (Futura), a heavily veiled D*v*d G*rn*tt's guide to cinematic rude bits. "This book tells you what you need to know.... How much bum and tit are you going to see? And whose?" DO YOU REMEMBER NOVACON 15? A long time ago, you know, in a Coventry far away: it all feels hazy now. Even the bar prices seem shifty and uncertain -- come to think of it, they were at the time. Had the De Vere Hotel really shrunk so much since 1977? I was a guest but nobody wanted me to do anything before a talk scheduled 48 nail-biting hours into the con. James White (the more famous guest) and Peggy managed to forgive a certain cretin for parodying the Sector General stories in the GoH souvenir fiction booklet (an Ace Double). Obligatory programme collapse was hastened by the non-appearance of various promised speakers such as Robert Rankin. As time oozed gently by, appalling rumours did the rounds: surely Chris Chivers hadn't learned only days before that he was (a) coming, and (b) organizing the sound systems? Surely Gerald Bishop didn't discover only at Novacon that he was supposed to be showing films ALL Saturday night? Fans were not deterred from having fun (apart of course from those who suffered the Langford speech. "Too humorous" -- BRUM SF GROUP NEWSLETTER), but the committee bared their teeth at one another, quite a lot. Lovable Toby Roxburgh of Futura gave one of his cosy fireside chats about the wonderful world of publishing. He worries deeply about being embarrassingly quoted in ANSIBLE, but only the most innocuous snippets reached my notebook: "I feel no social responsibility in this at all... Sex does NOT sell... Out there the public is not as stupid as we think... If books are worthy, we don't publish them... Plagiarize, for Pete's sake!" Strangest programme item was a "debate" chaired by Greg Pickersgill, between macho, MCP "Venture SF" (Rog Peyton and Rod Milner) and life-enhancing Women's Press, perpetrators of the "SF anthology with the dreadful title" (DESPATCHES FROM THE FRONTIERS OF THE FEMALE MIND), who may not previously have realized they were in opposition. As an added fillip, the committee neglected to invite any WP representatives: the gap was plugged by Avedon Carol and Sherry Francis, to the vast later annoyance of genuine WP person Sarah Lefanu ("Who ARE these people? How can they speak for us?"). Gosh. I contented myself with having a great time except on Sunday night, which saw me cornered at a room party by the most boring/belligerent fan in the universe. Tact was of no avail. Shouting "Fuck off!" was of less avail. Eventually the remnants of the party ran for it, with Tedium Incarnate in lumbering pursuit, emitting coherent beams of Scots ennui on wavelengths which paralysed the forebrain. "In here!" cried escape artist Jan Paul Smit, and we found ourselves partying in whispers and a bathroom while pyjama-clad Larry van der Putte, Hero of the Republic, denied everything. Later, a mass break-out made it to the fire stairs before Nemesis ("I'm waiting right here till you come out!") could mobilize his flab. Only much later did I learn that this ghastly presence had lingered in the Smit/van der Putte room until 6am, delivering himself of maudlin death threats and painting a grisly picture of what he'd do with a broken bottle to one Langford. Who said Novacons are predictable? Earlier memories of Sunday night are mercifully few. Cap'n Probert and First Mate Eunice (plus sister Carol) were over the side and swimming hard at first sight of enemy COFF awards, leaving the rest of the committee glazedly watching Novacon go down on an even keel. Nova Awards went to John Jarrold's PREVERT (fanzine, "clear winner" over runners-up STOMACH PUMP and NUTZ); Abi Frost as fanwriter (D.Langford and Linda Pickersgill gnash their teeth in outer darkness); Ros Calverley as fanartist (while Ashley Watkins and Dave Harwood continue in obscurity). Quoth John Jarrold later: "Alun Harries cheered me up with, `Congratulations, John. I thought Steve Higgins should have won it....'" Did I really fill a gap by drunkenly presenting fifty awards while inexplicably garbed in a mortarboard and gown? Enough, enough. Steve Green provides a sunny afterword: "The usual secret process has taken place and Martin Tudor has duly `emerged' as Novacon 16 chairman in much the same way Margaret Thatcher became Tory leader: the venue is the De Vere again. Looks like Novacon 15 will not make a loss after all -- the BSFG is investigating the wording of its insurance policy, and Rog appeared quite optimistic when we spoke. Novacon 14, meanwhile, has cleared its bank account, having donated #90 to the Head Appeal [SF for the blind], which Matt Sillars assures me is all that's required to get the tape into production (we did debate making that a block vote in favour of a story by Rob Holdstock, seeing as he was our GoH, but decided that would be unfair), plus #20 to COFF (no target nominated) and #10 set aside to answer an appeal from the Soviet `Winds of Time' SF group for an SF text (we're sending the Nicholls encyclopaedia)." [SG] Sickeningly virtuous, eh wot? CONDOM "CAMCON [Unicon 6, Cambridge] was a very good con," says Colin Fine in a PS, "though those staying in the college complain that it was very cold. Considering that the entire committee were new at it, a very creditable performance, with no glaring hiccups, and (I thought), innovative programming. John Christopher was a welcome addition to the ranks of the professionals to be seen at cons -- though they were a bit thin on the ground at Camcon, it must be admitted: Alex Stewart is the only other oine that comes to mind. Arch- whinger was Ken Lake, who afterwards wrote a letter to the committee explaining why it was a rotten con, chiefly for the cardinal sins of having members who didn't talk to him in the corridors, and not having Brian Aldiss or Bob Shaw as members. He seem to be happy enough to me during the con, but I must have caught him at a moment when somebody was talking to him, ie. me. They apparently made a profit, even after passing the required sum on to Unicon 7...." [CF] See CONSEPT, below. CYMRUCON, which readers will recall was cleverly scheduled to clash with Novacon, was at the last minute put forward to clash with Mexicon, and then shifted again to March.... Our man in S.Wales, Mike Sherwood, gleefully reported "there'll supposedly be a flyer out to all who've actually sent any money; it may be the first cancellation sent out after the publicized date of occurrence. The Central Hotel is still [mid-October] under the impression that it's booked up for the weekend!" [Later:] "At least 30 turned up to find no Cymrucon. Complaints to the only man in Cardiff who'll admit to being on the Committee... ring Cardiff 563005." 28-31 Mar: ALBACON III (Eastercon), Glasgow. GoH Joe Haldeman, Fan GoH John Jarrold, Artist Pete Lyon. Membership #9 to 1 March, then #12: 20 Hillington Gdns, Glasgow, G52 2PR. 10-13 July: BALLCON (Eurocon), Zagreb, Yugoslavia. $12 (US) supp, $25 att: c/o SFera, Ivanicgradska 41 A, 41000 Zagreb. No recent information. Anyone there, Krsto? 18-20 July: MYTHCON, Nottingham. GoH Marion Zimmer Bradley. #10 to 53 Glencoe St, Hull, N Humberside, HU3 6HR. 8-10 Aug: CONSEPT (I know it's the 7th Unicon, but the name still seems a bit odd for August): U of Surrey. #4 supp #8 att to 9 Graham Rd, Wealdstone, Harrow, Middlesex HA3 5RP. 22-25 Aug: RUBICON, Chequers Hotel, Newbury, Berks. Intended to fill the vacant shoes of Silicon. #5 to K.Oborn, Bishops Cottage, Park House Lane, Reading, RG3 2AH. Ditto: KOANCON, Warwick U... clearly a fantasy games con, the GoHs being noted games groupies Pete Tamlyn and D*ve L*ngf*rd. SAE to Alex Zbyslaw, 123 Hollis Rd, Stoke, Coventry. 28 Aug - 2 Sept: CONFEDERATION, 44th Worldcon, Atlanta GA, USA. GoH Ray Bradbury, FGoH Terry Carr, "Toaster" Bob Shaw. $25 supp $45 att to Colin Fine, 205 Coldham's Lane, Cambridge, CB1 3HY (who is also UK agent for Holland in 1990, below, and supposedly able to supply info on Ballcon, above). 13-14 Sept: ROCKY HORROR SHOCK TREATMENT WEEKEND (oh god!) at Shepperton Moat House Hotel, Denton. Info: 16 Tonbridge Rd, West Molesey, Surrey, KT8 0EL. 26-29 Sept: XIICON, Glasgow. GoH Harry Harrison (who let slip to an ANSIBLE mole that he HAD INDEED done the peculiar alien words in WEST OF EDEN by first-drafting in English and using the "global replace" on his word processor -- I wonder if C.J.Cherryh, who now writes her letters in fifteen typefaces on a laser printer of colossal ostentation, does it this way too?). #3 supp #9 att: "Beachfield", Calfmuir Rd, Lenzie, Glasgow, G66 3JJ. Nov: Novacon 16, De Vere Hotel, Coventry (I think). #8 to 86 Berwood Farm Rd, Wylde Green, Sutton Coldfield, West Midlands, B72 1AG. 13-15 Feb 1987: CONCEPTION, Leeds. A celebration of 50 years since the first-ever SF con (Leeds 1937). #6 to 12 Fearnville Terrace, Oakwood, Leeds, LS8 3DU. (This fashion for names with the "con" at the beginning rather than the end is snowballing. Is a limited fannish vocabulary to blame? Be nice to see an OSTRACON, at which COFF voting would involve scrawling committee members' names on potsherds....) 27 Aug - 2 Sept 1987: CONSPIRACY '87, 45th Worldcon, Brighton. GoH Alfred Bester & Doris Lessing, FGoH Joyce & Ken Slater, special fan guest me. #19.50 att to PO Box 43, Cambridge, CB1 3JJ -- please note this IS the right address even though several letters have ended up with the former owners of PO Box 43 (Pye) and come back marked "unknown". This is a genuine GPO error, British-made through and through. "Not Our Fault," explained chairman Malcolm Edwards. "The first of many cock-ups," clarified a passing Leroy Kettle. 1988: the World Fantasy Con comes to Britain, c/o Jo Fletcher, Steve Jones and anyone they can draft. Jo confides: "It was forced upon us and we accepted ungraciously." 1990: Roelof Goudriaan begs a plug for the Netherlands Worldcon bid, now "all-Dutch" despite US beginnings (ANSIBLE, PASSIM) and with 100+ presupporters before Eurocampaigning began. #4 presupp. Honorary Dutchwoman Lynne Ann Morse edits the bid newsletter HIGH TIDE, c/o Holland in 1990, PO Box 95370, 2509 CJ The Hague, Netherlands. ANSIBLE has already been hopelessly subverted by committee "El Presidente" Kees van Toorn's cunning ploy of buying a Langford story for his glossy Dutch SF mag ORBIT.... THE TRANSFINITE C.O.A. LIST Some of these are a bit musty by now, but One Has One's Duty: ALYSON ABRAMOWITZ, 132 Burnetts Grove Circle, Nepean, Ontario, CANADA K2J 1S9 (NB one-letter correction to the A44 typo which enraged Alyson to the tune of many a sarcastic postcard.) :: HENRY BALEN, 69 Castlehill Drive, Newton Mearns, Glasgow, G77 5LB :: DAVID V.BARRETT, 23 Oakfield Road, Croydon, CR0 2UD :: SALLY BEASLEY & DAVE LUCKETT, 69 Federal St, Tuart Hill, Western Australia 6060 :: MERV BINNS, 1 Glen Eira Rd, Ripponlea, Victoria 3182, Australia :: LINDA BLANCHARD, 605 Ballard Road, Seagoville, TX 75159, USA :: DAVE BRIDGES, as Linda Blanchard, it says here, following a "postal romance".... :: KEV CLARKE, 191 Valley Rd, Solihull, W Midlands (COFF voting address; also enquiries since "we're now taking ads." Ads?) :: CONFEDERATION (44th Worldcon), Suite 1986, 3277 Roswell Rd, Atlanta, GA 30305, USA :: JEREMY CRAMPTON, Dept of Geography, 302 Walker Bldg, Pennsylvania State U, University Park, PA 16802, USA :: STEVE DAVIES, 78 Bay Rd, Bullbrook, Bracknell, Berks :: LILIAN EDWARDS, 1 Braehead Rd, Thorntonhall, Glasgow, G74 5AQ ("this address is now PERMANENT and any other[s] totally DEFUNCT") :: DANIEL FARR, 1750 Kalakaua Ave (403), Honolulu, Hawaii 96826, USA :: AL FITZPATRICK, PO Box 90, Pequannock, NJ 07440, USA (Al is remorselessly efficient about sending in COAs on Xmas cards addressed to 22 Northumberland Avenue, which we left in 1982.) :: JEANNE GOMOLL, Box 1443, Madison, WI 53701-1443, USA :: ANNE HAMILL (forget the Warren, folks), 46 Woodville Rd, Golders Green, London, NW11 9TN :: RICHARD KENNAWAY, School of Information Systems, U of East Anglia, Norwich, NR4 7TJ :: CHRISTINA LAKE, 1st Floor Flat, 47 Whiteladies Rd, Clifton, Bristol, BS8 2LS :: BERNARD LEAK, 115 Histon Rd, Cambridge, CB4 3JD :: STEVE LOCKLEY, 173 Derlwyn, Killay, Swansea, West Glam :: SETH "Stop printing boring news about Ted White and Avedon Carol!" McEVOY, RR3, Box 342, Ridge Rd, Sag Harbour, NY 11963, USA :: PATRICK & TERESA NIELSEN HAYDEN, 75 Fairview (2D), New York, NY 10040, USA (another one-letter change but an important one: former apartment 2B is now inhabited by a mail-eating beast in human form) :: ANDIE OPPENHEIMER, 69 Clare Ct, Judd St, Bloomsbury, London, WC1H 9QR :: PAUL PAOLINI, 186 Titwood Rd, Pollokshields, Glasgow, G41 4DD :: CHRIS PREIST (careful now), 72 George St, Stoney Stanton, Coventry :: DAI PRICE , Flat 2, 569 Green Lanes, Harringay, London, N8 0RL :: CHRIS PRIEST, 78 High St, Pewsey, Wilts, SN9 7AQ :: JIMMY ROBERTSON, as Anne Hamill :: CYRIL SIMSA, 2 The Hexagon, Fitzroy Park, London, N6 6NR :: KATE SOLOMON, a new name in fandom, does not wish to be known as Kate Davies, nor even Kate Chafen, OK? Her hubby, whose name I forget, still prefers to be called Malcolm Davies. :: DAVID STRONG & CAROLINE SAWKINS, 8 Five Acres Close, Lindford, nr Bordon, Hants, GU35 0SJ :: PHILIPPA SUTTON (see below), 38 Fern Ave, Jesmond, Newcastle upon Tyne, NE2 2QX :: MARTIN TUDOR, 121 Cape Hill, Smethwick, Warley, West Midlands, B66 4SH :: LESLEY WARD, F103, Mulberry Court, Mulberry Street, Liverpool 7, Merseyside :: GLEN WARMINGER, Top Flat, 80a Waddington St, Norwich, NR2 4JS :: ASHLEY WATKINS, Flat B, 5 Avenue Rd, Westcliffe-on-Sea, SS0 7PN :: D.WEST, alas, was reportedly about to leave home and family in Bingley after a Split. :: MATT WILLIAMS, c/o 74 Grosvenor Rd, Coventry, CV1 3FZ :: PECULIAR ACRONYMS ENDING IN FF TAFF: the 1986 race is already open, between Simon Ounsley, Judith Hanna and Greg Pickersgill, who appear in this not very alphabetical order in the ballot. To vote, rank them in (some other) order and rush either #1 to R.Hansen, 9a Greenleaf Rd, East Ham, London, E6 1DX, or $1 to P&T Nielsen Hayden as above. Said administrators will be glad to provide the ballot form, now too huge for inclusion here. As the 15 May deadline fails to loom, America trembles at the candidates' hidden assets: will Confederation be afflicted with glands, shingles or Joseph Nicholas? Meanwhile Eric Bentcliffe has discovered traces of his TAFF report in god knows what antediluvian recess: "a few near-mint copies at #6 or $10, and some few more slightly soiled at #3/$5" (17 Riverside Crescent, Holmes Chapel, Cheshire, CW4 7NR). And Mike Glicksohn adds his name to the announced candidates for TAFF 1987. GUFF is also beginning to stir into life for Conspiracy '87, as evidenced by death threats from our dynamic Down Under agent Irwin Hirsh ("Nominate me or I'll crumple up all those ANSIBLEs you aren't sending"). Approximately 8 other Aussies are rumoured in THYME to have delusions of Brighton's desirability, including Jean Weber and Valma Brown. DUFF (Australia to Confederation) is also under way, with ballots featuring Sally Beasley, Terry Frost, Mark Loney & Michelle Muysert, and (take a deep breath) Lewis Morley & Marilyn Pride & Nick Stathopoulos. An acerbic source who insists on being nameless notes "the UNUSUAL level of vapidity in the candidates' platforms this year.... Will DUFF become the Fan Fund of Cretins?" COFF's 661 unpopularity votes raised #66.10 for TAFF & GUFF, though "Kev Clarke the administrator did not enjoy being threatened and manhandled by an irate ex-Novacon chairman and COFF winner... [and] was seriously considering scrapping the award" (Martin Tudor). Top scorers were (1) Phill Probert, 253 votes; (2) Joy Hibbert 146; (3) Naveed Khan 50; (4) The Wimps Who Complained About Rob Holdstock's Strippogram; (=5) The Morons Who Got Rob Holdstock A Strippogram & Dave (Andromeda) Holmes; (7) Marty Cantor; (8) Steve Green... after which it gets a bit crowded. SEFF's UK administrator is now Jim Barker, whose "short report from Swecon will appear in ANSIBLE" (oh yeah?), according to Ahrvid Engholm, who continues: "We've decided to have two SEFF races in a row to Britain, in order to be able to send a SEFF candidate to Conspiracy, as well as Albacon this Easter. Technically SEFF is open for other cons in Europe besides the Eastercon, but nobody seems interested in anything else but `the real thing'." Jim promises a vibrant flyer which may well be enclosed, you lucky people, you. OUR MAN WITH THE POPCORN: R.I.BARYCZ AGAIN When did it become customary to refer to the Strategic Defense Initiative (note Yankee spelling) as "Star Wars?" A long time ago in a galaxy not too far away, but nary a peep of protest from Lucasfilm as long as SW meant extreme severe disapproval of such things as DEWs, railguns, smart rocks, X-ray lasers, neutral beams.... Until the scientific/military empire struck back with a series of TV ads in the USA in favour of DEWs, smart rocks, railguns etc, whereupon Lucasfilm roused itself and hit them with a writ to stop referring to the whole idea as "Star Wars" on the grounds it was a trade mark applied to biscuits, icecream, bedsheets, plastic figures etc and we don't care that the TV ads present both sides of the argument for and against DEWs, railguns, smart rocks etc, small children could get confused. They had no luck with the judge -- no way, he said, it is stretching the copyright and the trademark too far.... [RIB] INFINITELY IMPROBABLE KING EQUALS WYNDHAM. Andy Lusis sends a LIBRARY ASSOCIATION RECORD clipping, wherein one Chris Kearns extols A READERS' GUIDE TO FICTION AUTHORS (Loughborough U), intended to make it easy to find a book like the one you just read: "I first tested the GUIDE by looking up Stephen King. The suggested alternatives are Ray Bradbury and John Wyndham... It seemed to me that a good alternative to King is James Herbert, so I looked up HIS suggested alternatives. They are Ray Bradbury, John Wyndham and Isaac Asimov! Despairing of horror, I next turned to SF. Who would the suggested alternatives to Philip K.Dick be? Answer: Ray Bradbury and Isaac Asimov. What about Robert Silverberg? Isaac Asimov and Ray Bradbury. Robert Heinlein? Asimov, Bradbury and Wyndham. The GUIDE lists Asimov, Bradbury and sometimes Wyndham as alternatives to ALL SF authors, from Verne to Ballard...." This vital reference work was compiled by computer analysis of questionnaires filled in by 600 "practising librarians", and is even more indispensable for crime fans. "Raymond Chandler and James Hadley Chase are good alternatives to John Dickson Carr... P.G.Wodehouse is a rather neat substitute for Dorothy L.Sayers." A fanzine readers' version is clearly much needed. IDEOLOGICALLY INVERTEBRATE: John Brosnan reveals that "Kim Newman, film reviewer for London listings mag CITY LIMITS, described the plot of COCOON in his review as `broken- backed'. But the ideologically sound copy-editor protested at the term, calling it prejudiced against disabled people! `I was described as "disablist",' said a stunned-looking Kim." Mr Brosnan has been commissioned by the BBC to outline a film about his speciality: giant zeppelins in Australia. SEE GYGAX AND DIE: "TSR has called on the US Consumer Product Safety Commission to check Dungeons & Dragons for safety. This resulting from a 60 MINUTES investigation which determined that about two dozen teenagers committed suicide after having curses placed upon them in D&D games. However, 60 MINUTES did not interview any right-wing fundamentalists seeking to have D&D banned as a Satanist plot...." [MMW] THE GLASGOW ENIGMA: Why should anyone (anonymously) send ANSIBLE a copy of a "Service Document (actions for payment of money only)" relating to Charles Robert Saunders, Collector of Taxes, Glasgow North, and his wish to extract #795.92 from "the whole partners of the now dissolved firm of Messrs [Fake Bob] Shaw and [Neil] Craig"? Fandom is strange. TIBFP may or may not be the official acronym for a new "independent British fan poll", titled with pithy wit The Independent British Fan Poll and sporting a set of categories weirdly reminiscent of the departed ANSIBLE poll (plus Best LoC Writer, and Best Interior Illustration -- you have no idea what effort it takes me not to make a joke here about Mr Higgins's STOMACH PUMP). Organizers: Rob Hansen, Steve Higgins, John Jarrold, Pam Wells. Ballots from any of these. Period covered: all 1985. Deadline: 28 February. URBAN TERRORISTS IN SUSSEX FIREBOMB ASSAULT! "CREMATED: my 1954 Morris Minor, veteran of 7 Milfords and more than a few conventions. Innocent victim of an arson attack. `It wouldn't die, they had to assassinate it,' says sci-fi writer Garnett, aged over 21, sobbing into his beer...." [David G] BARRY BAYLEY took notoriously evil publishers Allison & Busby to court, having previously been unable to extract any accounts or royalties from 11 subsidiary editions (both here and abroad) of 7 SF titles from 1976 to 1979. Judgment: contracts all terminated, rights back to Barry, A&B to cough up #5360 plus costs and interest. Take that, scum! R.I.P: a depressing number of people with SF connexions died recently. In no particular order: Italo Calvino (Sept 19 AET 61), who wrote some of my favourite fantasies and occasioned a dismal display of US parochialism when given the 1982 World Fantasy Life Achievement Award ("How DARE he get it, we've never heard of him," etc); Orson Welles of Martian and much other fame (Oct 10 AET 70); Robert Graves of the SF novel SEVEN DAYS IN NEW CRETE aka WATCH THE NORTH WIND RISE and the, er, seminal fantasy THE WHITE GODDESS; Philip Larkin (OK, not much connexion, but I've always wondered whether a certain Heinlein was influenced by "If I were called in / To construct a religion / I should make use of water"...); Yul Brynner the berserk robot of WESTWORLD (Oct 10 AET 64); Bernard Wolfe of LIMBO aka LIMBO 90 (1952) and two condescending pieces in AGAIN, DANGEROUS VISIONS (Oct 31 AET 70); Taylor Caldwell, who besides her best-sellers wrote preachy SF like YOUR SINS AND MINE (Aug 10 AET 84); Grant Williams the INCREDIBLE SHRINKING MAN of film (July 28 AET 54); Walter B.Gibson, magician and pulp novelist who as Maxwell Grant created THE SHADOW for Street & Smith in the 30s and 40s (AET 88); L.Ron Hubbard, who needs no introduction (Jan AET 74); and, in a sort of way, that entire Shuttle crew. Charles Platt questions the good taste of premature obituaries on Judy-Lynn del Rey, whose Oct 17 stroke and continuing coma provoked LOCUS to eulogize her in the past tense and SFC (to which thanks for some of the above dates) to cheerfully explain, "Generally, people born as dwarfs do not live to great age, succumbing to a variety of diseases...." LONG BLACK GLISTENING STREAKS OF PEOPLE-EATING DEATH! Such is the subject matter of the "really triff book" described in a press release from Roy Kettle. "Its author is a bright new star in the horror firmament -- SIMON IAN CHILDER. He is absolutely no relation to the late HARRY ADAM KNIGHT whose ashes were recently scattered over the customers in several remainder bookshops as per his dying wish." Once HAK, now SIC.... TRIVIAL TITBITS from Neil Gaiman: "Arthur C.Clarke entered the `win a copy of 2010 on video' competition in VIDEO WORLD magazine. And lost. His entry (words to the effect of getting HAL to sing Daisy Daisy to a disco beat) was deemed `crap' by the editorial body. (It was a photocaption comp. He must really like that movie.) ...And on the subject of ACC, my copy of THE SENTINEL lists him as author of ARTHUR C.CLARKE'S WORLD OF STRANGE TOWERS... which is nearly as good as Sphere advertising THE LEAKY ESTABLISHMENT as by David Longford." Mr Gaiman is also good at cheering up authors with snippets like "I was talking to XXX at Sphere about LEAKY and she said, `Oh, we're not doing any PUBLICITY for it, so do give it a plug if you can.'" Purest invention. I hope. CHRIS PRIEST has just enjoyed the sensation of having his SECOND film deal for THE GLAMOUR fall through, but (swiftly donning his other hat as The People's Agent) has sold Wm Gibson's COUNT ZERO to ever-perceptive Nick Austin, who for a trifling five-figure sum secured the book for Grafton. HEADLESS MONSTER THREATENS FANDOM! Ever since the resignation of Chairman Dorey ("Just for a handful of nappies he left us"), the BSFA has been having a leadership crisis, ie. no leadership.... COURT CIRCULAR. Kev and Sue Williams write: "Michael, the heir to the overdraft, arrived 3 Dec -- backwards -- henceforth to be known in fandom as `Wrong Way' Williams." Philippa Grove-Stephensen has married again, instantly acquiring "two half-grown sons" courtesy of husband Mike, and is now Philippa Sutton (COA above). But: "Rumours of my marriage are premature," declares Lee Smoire in response to a suggestion in Leigh Edmonds's THE NOTIONAL that her alleged "Help me immigrate" wall-signs at Aussiecon had been successful.... ROBERT SILVERBERG, interviewed in THE AUSTRALIAN, said nothing to astonish: "Very little in American SF now pleases me -- except the sales figures. Frank Herbert or Isaac Asimov could write something in iambic pentameter and get it published, but otherwise the public wants the same simple- minded escapism they see in the George Lucas movies." And in the Majipoor books, perchance? THIS ZINE FOR HIRE: Vince Clarke sends the beginning of his Total Fanzine List (indexed by editor), with the complete opus due "probably in March". All items will be madly available on loan to the pure in heart, for the cost of postage. Send a few stamps for a copy of the List, to 16 Wendover Way, Welling, Kent, DA16 2BN. AWARD ODDMENTS: At a 1985 "fourth birthday party" for CITY LIMITS mag, tediously many awards were handed out, including one to Adams's SO LONG, AND THANKS FOR ALL THE FISH as best book of its year (!).... Ballard's "The Object of the Attack" topped the INTERZONE readers' popularity poll, with runners- up by Kilworth, Bradfield, Langford and McAuley; Jim Burns was most popular artist, trailed by Pete Lyon and Ian Miller. In the Nebula preliminaries, Orson Scott Card's ENDER'S GAME remains in the lead. BRITISH FANTASY AWARDS: NOVEL INCARNATE (Ramsey Campbell), SHORT "In the Hills, the Cities" (Clive Blood), SMALL PRESS WHISPERS, FILM GHOSTBUSTERS, ARTIST STEPHEN FABIAN, SPECIAL Manly Wade Wellman.... MIKE GLYER would have it known that his FILE 770 "Hugo withdrawal" was meant to cover 1986 only -- not 1987 or future years. "I AM a bit dubious about making the world safe for Geis to win another Hugo, if Atlanta makes the mistake of accepting SFR in the Best Fanzine category...." Mike also got upset about other coverage: "After having the misfortune to witness Malcolm Edwards's gracelessness in almost every public forum at Aussiecon Two, when I read [Rob Hansen's] report of his presentation of Langford's Hugo, and what he said, I was afflicted with a world class case of sour grapes. Something to do with his statement, `The Fanwriter Hugo has finally been sent to its rightful home: Britain.'" Cruel words, indeed. SERIOUS AND CONSTRUCTIVE: Patrick Nielsen Hayden is secret SF master of TWENTIETH-CENTURY AMERICAN LITERATURE VOLUME III (Chelsea House). "You share presence in the Heinlein section, not only with longwinded wallies of serious litcrit like H. Bruce Franklin, but also with Walter A.Willis, from his in- depth character study of Mr Heinlein from `Chicago Chicago', in that deconstructionist periodical of the SF field HYPHEN. By contrast, I didn't use anything at all by the Panshins -- `each sentence more exciting than the next'."[PNH] HAZEL'S LANGUAGE LESSONS Number 36: SWAHILI ngama [1] the hold of a vessel; [2] the faeces passed by people (also animals) sometimes when IN EXTREMIS, or which is forced out when the corpse is being washed preparatory to burial; [3] a kind of whitish clay. This has been the very tasteful ANSIBLE 45 94 London Rd, Reading, RG1 5AU, UK [Ends] ANSIBLE 46, 1986: PLEASE NOTE that this old ANSIBLE is a bit of history. Addresses may have changed (the editor's postal address hasn't, but ignore old e-mail addresses), prices and agents' credits are invalid, etc. Dave Langford, ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk, 1993. ============================================================= ANSIBLE 46 JULY 1986 ISSN 0265-9816 Inexorable as an amok sloth, hard-hitting as eiderdown fluff, fast-moving as the continental glaciation of your choice, DAVE LANGFORD offers a further Valium-paced issue of the semi- annual newszine about which it was once said, but not any more. Late-breaking news (we handle no other sort) and irate cancellations to 94 LONDON ROAD, READING, BERKSHIRE, RG1 5AU, UK. Still 5 issues or a lifetime subscription, whichever comes first, for #2 sterling: cheques/money orders to ANSIBLE, Girobank transfer to account 24 475 4403. Or $3.50 to US agents Mary & Bill Burns (23 Kensington Court, Hempstead, NY 11550); or $4A to Aussie agent Irwin (For GUFF) Hirsh, 2/416 Dandenong Rd, North Caulfield, Vic 3161. Phone: Reading (0734) 665804 -- please shout. Cartoon: Jackie Burns. Language Lesson: deferred. Inertia (c) Isaac Newton, 1679. ============================================================= ME Oh, I've been fine, thanks, just a little reclusive (busy). Exciting literary news is that Baen Books want to reprint THE SPACE EATER, and promise that theirs will be the first edition whose cover art doesn't seize prospective buyers by the eyeballs and hurl them violently out of the bookshop. I can hardly wait for February and my appearance alongside such favourites as David Drake and Jerry Pournelle. New creative efforts consist chiefly of outlining -- with "John Grant" -- GUTS, a horrifying reading experience ("Inside every one of us there lurks a MONSTER!") which will make Stephen King look like Enid Blyton, or vice-versa. Alas, my best effort LEAKY ESTABLISHMENT has yet again been bounced by a US editor who after lavish praise gave it the thumbs-down because the humour was "so indiginous". Will anyone direct me to a nice American publisher who (a) can spell indigenous; (b) doesn't mind British books being it? HUGE AND KNOBBLY, ETC. There comes a time in every newszine editor's life when burning commitment to the Whole Truth cannot entirely eclipse the thought, "Oh God, have I got to type out sixty-three bloody Hugo nominations AGAIN?" Not much controversy, either, though the Confederation committee tried its best by notifying pro but not fan nominees in advance (the latter had to find out from newszines, and were therefore not offered the chance of refusal, which would have tempted at least one easily misspelled fan "when I heard who the nominees were in the Best Fanzine category"). But who cares, really? I sense 90% of my readership preparing to skip the following.... 569 ballots cast: NOVEL BLOOD MUSIC/Bear (yay), CUCKOO'S EGG/Cherryh, ENDER'S GAME/Card, NUKE 'EM TILL THEY GLOW, THEN SHOOT 'EM IN THE DARK/Niven+Pournelle, THE POSTMAN/Brin. NOVELLA "Green Mars"/K.S.Robinson, "The Only Neat Thing To Do"/ Tiptree, "Sailing to Byzantium"/Silverberg, "The Scapegoat"/ Cherryh, "24 Views of Mt Fuji, by Hokusai"/Zelazny. NOVELETTE "Dogfight"/Swanwick+Gibson, "The Fringe"/Card, "A Gift from the Graylanders"/Bishop, "Paladin of the Lost Hour"/Ellison, "Portraits of His Children"/G.R.R.Martin. SHORT "Dinner in Audoghast"/Sterling, "Fermi and Frost"/Pohl, "Flying Saucer Rock and Roll"/Waldrop, "Hong's Bluff"/Wu, "Snow"/Crowley. NONFICTION BENCHMARKS: GALAXY BOOKSHELF/Budrys, AN EDGE IN MY VOICE/Ellison, FACES OF FEAR/Winter, THE JOHN W.CAMPBELL LETTERS, VOL.1/Chapdelaine+Hay (ed), THE PALE SHADOW OF SCIENCE/Aldiss (nice one, Serconia Press), SCIENCE MADE STUPID/Weller. DRAMATIC BACK TO THE FUTURE, BRAZIL, COCOON, ENEMY MINE, LADYHAWKE. PRO EDITOR Terry Carr, Judy-Lynn del Rey, Edward L.Ferman, Shawna McCarthy, Stanley Schmidt. PRO ARTIST Kelly Freas, Don Maitz, Rowena Morrill, Barclay Shaw, Michael Whelan. FANARTIST Brad Foster, Steve Fox, Joan Hanke- Woods, William Rotsler, Stu Shiffman. SEMIPROZINE FANTASY REVIEW, INTERZONE (yay), LOCUS, SF CHRONICLE, SF REVIEW. FANZINE ANVIL, GREATER COLUMBIA FANTASY COSTUMERS' GUILD NEWSLETTER (yeah, words fail me too), HOLIER THAN THOU, LAN'S LANTERN, UNIVERSAL TRANSLATOR. FANWRITER Don D'Ammassa, Dick Geis, Mike Glyer, Arthur Hlavaty, me, Patrick Neilsen-Hayden (SIC). JWC MEMORIAL (non-Hugo) Karen Joy Fowler, Guy Gavriel Kay, Carl Sagan, Melissa Scott, Tad Williams, David Zindell. Wouldn't you much rather hear about the Nebulas? No, I thought not, but for the record: NOVEL ENDER'S GAME/Card, NOVELLA "Sailing to Byzantium"/Silverberg, NOVELETTE "Portraits of His Children"/Martin, SHORT "Out of All Them Bright Stars"/Kress, GRAND MASTER LONGEVITY AWARD A.C.Clarke. "Oh God," said an unnameable SFWA source, "we all put in nominations for Card out of er politeness because he was tallying the preliminary ballots, but we never expected...." The best associated fun came from Norman Spinrad's unbelievable full-page paid ad in SFWA BULLETIN, headed "A Matter of Literary Principle & Personal Pique". This loftily begins "WHEREAS science fiction has come under increasing attack from the mainstream critical establishment at a time when many of us are seeking to establish its bona fides as seriously-intended literary art --" After a few more whereases we come to the meat: "I therefore hereby withdraw my future work for consideration for the Nebula Award.... To those who surmise that I am doing this out of personal pique at having not received a Nebula nomination for CHILD OF FORTUNE, I freely admit that this was a consideration. That such a work failed to be nominated proves, if nothing else, that the literary standards of the SFWA as a whole have diverged so far from my own that to accept a future Nebula would, for me, be an act of cynical hypocrisy." Further Spinrad announcements, we are unreliably informed, will similarly shame and refute the inadequate standards of the Pulitzer and Nobel prizes. Back in Britain, I report a mindboggling coincidence. An official announcement at last arrived, confirming the long- rumoured Arthur C.Clarke SF Award (#1000 for the best UK-SF novel of the preceding calendar year, first presentation next Easter). In the VERY SAME POST came a review copy of the hardback THE SONGS OF DISTANT EARTH by Arthur C.Clarke! The "Arthur", promoted by energetic George Hay, is to be run by the BSFA, SF Foundation and for no apparent reason the International Science Policy Foundation, who will jointly prepare a shortlist of Approved Nominees. Noises have been made about the existing BSFA Awards fading away after 1987 in the face of this lucrative competition. One intermittently successful purpose of the BSFA Award was to publicize the name "BSFA". I couldn't get to Albacon to ask how much useful publicity the BSFA thinks it will gain from the new award's name.... Interest declared: 1986 BSFA awards went to Brian Aldiss's HELLICONIA WINTER, my own INTERZONE short "Cube Root", BRAZIL (media) and Jim Burns (best drunken artist). As for fan awards, the Independent British Poll was nearly as ill-supported as ANSIBLE's last. STILL LIFE and STOMACH PUMP tied for Best UK Fanzine, while Simon Ounsley's mythopoeic Novacon 14 report (TNH) was deservedly Best Article. LETTERS AND THINGS IAN WATSON has been succouring his fellow men: "We entertained a tramp to tea, though he would only come in out of the sub- zero after we papered the carpet with copies of TRIBUNE. Perhaps he was reluctant to yield to our genteel persuasions since he was aware that warmth brought out The Smell (back to horror fiction). This smell was interesting because it migrated around the house for untold hours in the form of discrete mobile pockets, like solid invisible balloons, which you as a physicist will recognize as quanta of smell. Discretion stopped us from asking the obvious question: `Were you once a science fiction writer?'" [IW] MARISE MORLAND-CHAPMAN is outraged: "The short story `Tangents' by Greg Bear in OMNI [Feb or March] is a direct pinch from Hal Clement's short story `Star, Bright' published circa 1968. I'm sure you've read it so I won't document a list of parallels -- believe me, they're THERE. Assuming that Bear & Clement haven't done some sort of a deal, I think this sort of thing's very unfair...." [MMC] Haven't read either, but these arguments tend to be fruitless. (Unconscious imitation? Independent creation? Who fished the murex up? What porridge had John Keats?) Let's see who, if anybody, sues.... MARTIN MORSE WOOSTER has his finger on the pulse of something or other: "I've just returned from Corflu. It was full of appalling spectacle, such as the grisly bidding scene where the `clean' Langford stack, full of character-building issues of EXTRO and the OMNI BOOK OF THE FUTURE, went for a paltry $10, while the `dirty' Langford stack -- two issues of KNAVE, full of lewd women wearing what mid-Atlantic fan Ms A. Carol explained were `not garter belts, but SUSPENDER belts' -- fetched a full $15.... The JOHN W.CAMPBELL LETTERS have just been published. Perhaps the most curious is one of March 4, 1959 to Heinlein's agent rejecting STARSHIP TROOPERS. `You could produce a profound anti-Nazi feeling in the readers by telling a story 100% from the viewpoint of a dedicated, fervent Nazi. I hear Bob [Heinlein]'s going to induce considerable anti-patriotism in a lot of readers by telling a story from the viewpoint of a 100% dedicated patriot.' Don't tell Joseph Nicholas.... R.I.Barycz goofed in his description of the Lucasfilm suit. High Frontier, a militarization-of- space lobby affiliated with Baen Books, Heinlein, and Jerry Pournelle, produced ONE commercial, a child's drawing that showed evil Soviet missiles melting like antacids against the firm protection of the, er, `Peace Shield'. Lucasfilm's suit was thrown out of court, so anyone can call satellite systems `Star Wars' or whatever." [MMW] D.M.SHERWOOD was at Albacon: "The meeting for a possible constitution for Eastercons has been referred to a subcommittee; such scraps as I caught suggest that Talmudic exegesis lives (there seems no facing of the question of how enforcement would work; apparently we're all supposed to write to LOCUS and say what naughty boys & girls people have been). The big Bob (fake) Shaw confrontation scene at the registration desk was defused by a brilliant ploy -- they let him in. Hyper-brilliant counterploy on his part: he did fuck- all, just sat in the bar and conducted a genial court-in-exile (except he wasn't in exile...). Innovative question session by GoH Joe Haldeman -- his wife wrote the questions." [DMS] (I had some outraged prior correspondence copied to me by "Harrogeightyseven" person Andrew R.Bennett [some relation], with Albacon diplomatically writing "Nyahh nyahh, we're not letting Shaw into the con except maybe for the bidding session, so there," and the putative Eastercon bid replying with equal mature dignity, "Yah boo sucks, we're cancelling our bid and our memberships then.") FGoH JOHN JARROLD was there too: "I had a great time. Met Joe & Gay Haldeman on Thursday lunchtime in the bar (where else?) after a boozy trip up overnight, drinking beer with some Scottish sailors. Didn't go to bed on Friday or Saturday but eventually gave up the ghost around 7am Monday morning. Sang every night in the bar (aren't you glad you weren't there?) with the Haldemans, Toby Roxburgh, Neil Gaiman and other worthies. My throat is just recovering. Major surprise of the con was being asked for an autograph: this was after reading a Harlan Ellison story during a horror reading that also included Clive Barker and Ramsey Campbell. A young fan came up to me in the bar with a copy of the Books of Blood and asked me to sign it. I didn't believe he was serious, so I questioned him closely, but he really meant it. Talk about a sense of wonder. I haven't mentioned this to Clive yet. I will, during some quiet moment, when there are several yards and a sturdy door between us." [JJ] DAVE WOOD sends bizarre local headlines (NEW RIDDLE AS BODY IS FOUND/LAKE: WAS IT MURDER?/NICHOLAS FIRES THE GUNS) and another Magical Albacon Moment: "...the story of Greg P. being found snoring behind a locked toilet door up in Glasgow. He was identified by Mal Ashworth crawling on his hands and knees across the toilet floor and peering under the door. `I realized it was Pickersgill when I saw the glasses on the floor,' he told me. Sad that the only way to recognize a trouserless P. is by his bi-focals...." [DW] Prospective Confederation members please note. LISA TUTTLE pleads: "No more STARDATE submissions from anybody, please. Sigh." All is about to be explained: LETTER FROM AMERICA: STEVE BROWN STARDATE has achieved extinction. It is a long and depressing story. In the proverbial nutshell, our financier was a black sheep member of the DuPont family. He was born to the purple, and spent his life as a giddy wastrel. We have been calling him Arthur, after the Dudley Moore character. Arthur owns a $400 million trust fund, which his family won't allow him to touch because he is such a flake. He is allowed by the family to eke out an existence on the interest from the fund -- $57 million ANNUALLY. Now I don't think that you or I would have much trouble making ends meet on $57 million per year, but it is indicative of Arthur's financial acumen that he was continually running short and had to borrow on the forthcoming year's interest. Arthur loves to play with businesses. He owns hundreds of small businesses in a bewilderingly interlocked rat's nest of finances, yet his entire accounting dept. consists of one little old lady without a computer. Arthur was certainly sincere about STARDATE, and we did spend about half a million of his dollars, but the experience of prying more loose from him became so byzantine that it killed us. Arthur never could understand that other people needed money on a regular basis, to fill the refrigerator, pay the rent, and other wastrel expenses. To Arthur, money is like air. It is always there, and if you need some, you just reach out and grab it. We came to a point where our phones were going to be shut off, the office staff worked for six weeks without pay, etc., while Arthur was taking an extended cruise of Antigua. So, we had to die. We tried for a quick sale, but what passed for Arthur's people were incapable of getting the paperwork in order to allow a sale. It is possible that we may resurface by the end of the year, under a different name. Now that we have four issues to show investors, things look possible. Dana, our energetic publisher, is shuttling from coast to coast right now trying to interest investors. But I'll believe it when I see it. For your troubles, I enclose a copy of the final issue. This may become a valuable collector's item someday, if only because of the Gibson story. The magazine was an infuriating mix of the ridiculous and the sublime, due to Arthur's indiscriminate contract signing before he found us. All that gaming stuff and the low-grade media material was contracted for, down to the very name of the magazine, which is a word copyrighted by Paramount Pictures (it is a Star Trek word). We had hoped that the quality of fiction would offset the erosion of credibility that sixteen pages of deadly dull gaming material would foster. If you see Lisa Tuttle (STARDATE's Person in the UK) wandering the streets of Soho, keening softly to herself, please comfort her. She was doing a great job, and had just sent us a truly brilliant Dave Garnett story that I would have killed to be allowed to publish. Now she, too, must make many embarrassing phone calls. As our office person, Heather, said when it had become apparent that STARDATE was no longer viable: "Brown, do you realize that we have to contact over 3,000 people, from artists and writers to distributors, printers, store owners, advertisers, etc. and depressingly etc?." Sic Transit Gloria Fictum. ...Your definition of that problematic word "cyberpunk" is the best one I've seen yet. "Praised in CHEAP TRUTH and agented by Chris Priest," indeed. Not to blow my own horn too much, I'm in a better position to comment on this movement than most anybody. More by coincidence than anything, I know all the writers grouped under that label personally. Bruce Sterling and I have been corresponding for ten years, I met and befriended Gibson before he ever wrote a word of fiction, and I am guilty of having known John Shirley for 15 years, and even sharing a house with him in the early 70s. Thus, I've known from the beginning just what an inaccurate label "cyberpunk" is. Shirley is certainly punky enough, but he hasn't a cybernetic chip in his body. Bruce is cybernetic as hell, but is a comfortable family man who writes superb, but "traditional", hard SF. Rudy Rucker is neither cybernetic not punky, but he is a friend of Bill, Bruce and John, and shares some attitudes. His own fiction is kind of cartoonlike, and about as cybernetic as Bugs Bunny. That leaves Bill, who does fit the definition, but more or less stands alone, except for the emerging crop of imitators. Gardner Dozois coined That Term in the WASHINGTON POST a year ago, and like all labels it drastically simplified and pigeonholed a group of quite disparate writers whose main connection with each other is mutual friendship and the odd collaboration. Lord release us from the artistic bonds placed about our thighs by critics hunting for a quick and easy phrase! [SB] "A TRIUMPH OF STYLE OVER CONTENT" ...thus Greg Pickersgill's heart-warming TAFF victory statement. 249 votes were cast: J.Hanna 61, S.Ounsley 84, GP 98, Hold Over Funds and write-ins 6, leading to eliminations and a second ballot with SO 114, GP 125, HOF 7. Greg therefore gets a chance to demonstrate how TAFF delegates should properly comport themselves (see my trip report, page 27), while the Pickersgill manse (7a Lawrence Rd, S.Ealing, London, W5 4XJ) becomes the throbbing centre of UK TAFF activity and fund-raising for the next two years.... (Speaking of the trip report, still available from this address at a trifling #2.25 post free, I note with vast gratitude and deep smugness that TAFF got $500 from the LA-Con coffers and $50 from Massachusetts Convention Fandom Inc as a reward for actually getting a report into print. Preen.) Meanwhile, the declared 1987 TAFF candidates (Bill Bowers, Brian Earl Brown, Mike Glicksohn, Jeanne Gomoll) HAD been mostly sold on attending the '87 Eastercon as being more typical of UK fandom than a tacky old Worldcon. This determination wavered "in view of the way that Eastercon and the British Worldcon later in the year are respectively shaping up" (P. Nielsen Hayden, TAFFLUVIA 6), and all four now wish to attend Conspiracy. Because the latter looks so wonderful, or because of wicked rumours about Beccon's fan programme? Can there be a connection with Steve Green's and Kev Clarke's withdrawal of their offer to run silly Eastercon games? My current low profile precludes me from knowing the answers. Finally, 1976 NA-to-UK TAFF delegate Roy Tackett still has a soft spot for us, as evidenced in ANVIL 40: "There is, somehow, something attractive about the thought of sitting back and watching the English get nuked." ============================================================= The ANSIBLE Educational Supplement presents: THE WELL-TEMPERED PLOT DEVICE by NICK LOWE ============================================================= Perhaps once in a generation, the science of criticism is shaken by a conceptual breakthrough so revolutionary that the literary establishment can only dismiss it as deluded quackery. Such a breakthrough is described in these pages. If I draw comparisons with Darwin, Einstein, Lysenko, the sceptical reader may smile. Yet they laughed at Leavis; they creased themselves pink at Edmund Wilson; they barfed up gobs of lung tissue at Derrida's OF GRAMMATOLOGY. To all such shallow-minded so-called "scientists" I say: go ahead and hoot! The High Speed Train of progress makes no unscheduled stops to pick up late travellers, nor can it be tilted in its tracks. The failure of the old paradigm is simple. There's a curious bias in the vernacular of critical discussion towards the qualities that make a book GOOD. Most of the language traditionally used to describe a book's achievement has to do with its positive qualities: the plot, characterization, style, ideas, significance. Moreover, it's a bias that carries over into all those gruesome handbooks on How To Write Totally Brilliant Novels and Win Big Cash Literary Prizes. The reason nobody's yet become a big time novelist by reading up on Diane Doubtfire is just that all the advice in such booklets is directed towards getting you to write a book full of plot, characterization, style, ideas, significance. in short, a GOOD book. Now, it strikes me that this is completely misconceived. You've only got to look around you to realize that most books that get published are NOT good. This simple point makes a nonsense of conventional criticism, which lacks any sort of vocabulary to discuss badness in any meaningful way. And yet badness is the dominant quality of contemporary literature, and certainly of SF. All orthodox criticism can say of a truly awful book is that the characterization is terrible, or the use of the English language makes your bowels move of themselves. It fails completely to grasp that bad writing is governed by subtle rules and conventions of its own, every bit as difficult to learn and taxing to apply as those that shape good writing. But do you ever find workshops offering instruction in how to write the sort of really atrocious garbage that leers at you from every railway bookstall? Already you can begin to understand why my theories are scoffed at by the neanderthal proponents of orthodox so- called "criticism". History will judge who has the final chuckle. In the following pages I will reveal: -- a whole new language of criticism -- the secret of success in science fiction writing -- and a revolutionary new technique of interpretation that will grant you instant and total understanding of STAR WARS, THE LORD OF THE RINGS, THE HITCH-HIKER'S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY, and many far less reputable works. And while I'm about it I'll propose a new definition of magic, account for the existence of Lionel Fanthorpe, and show you a way to derive pleasure from Stephen Donaldson books. (Needless to say, it doesn't involve reading them. BUT neither does it involve burying them under six foot of badger manure and napalming the lot, which you might think the obvious answer.) In principle, these secrets can be exploited by anyone; but you may be interested before we start in testing your native aptitude through a couple of simple and deceptively irrelevant exercises. 1. COMPLETE THE POEM. Leonard Nimoy, currently* directing his own resurrection in STAR TREK III: THE SEARCH FOR SPOCK, is the author of two books of poems rightly considered too hot for bookshops to handle. They're distributed solely through Athena poster shops, in the same series of icky little volumes with tinted pages and silhouettes of weeds that has given the world the if anything even more deathless works of the legendary Susan Polis Schutz, the Colorado Sappho. (You must know the stuff: "Our relationship / is beautiful / because / it is ours / because / it relates / to us.") All you have to do is read through the following (genuine) sample poem, and then use your skill and judgement to supply the missing lines from the ones that follow. (These include about 80% of the text of Nimoy's second book of poems, which by a novel inspiration consists almost entirely of excerpts from the first.) Then turn to the end of the article to find out how you scored. First, the specimen: "Rocket ships / Are exciting / But so are roses / On a birthday "Computers are exciting / But so is a sunset "And logic / Will never replace / Love "Sometimes I wonder / Where I belong / In the future / Or / In the past "I guess I'm just / An old-fashioned / Space-man." And now it's over to you: (i) I love you not for what I want you to be... (2 points for the missing line.) (ii) I loved you then for what you were... (3 points.) (iii) I do not miss you when you are away... (3 points) (iv) My love for you is not a gift to you... (1 point.) -- and the hardest one: here you have two lines to guess of a three-line poem. (v) I am me... (2+4 points.) 2. CLENCH RACING. This is a social and competitive sport, that can be played over and over with renewed pleasure. Playing equipment currently on the market restricts the number of players to six, but the manufacturers may yet issue the series of proposed supplements to raise the maximum eventually to nine. The rules are simple. Each player takes a different volume of THE CHRONICLES OF THOMAS COVENANT, and at the word "go" all open their books at random and start leafing through, scanning the pages. The winner is the first player to find the word "clench". It's a fast, exciting game -- sixty seconds is unusually drawn-out -- and can be varied, if players get too good, with other favourite Donaldson words like wince, flinch, gag, rasp, exigency, mendacity, articulate, macerate, mien, limn, vertigo, cynosure.... It's a great way to get thrown out of bookshops. Good racing! Let me explain the tenuous relevance of these modest exercises to my main subject. Here we have two of the most accomplished of contemporary bad writers inadvertently showing off one of the most valued qualities in their art. I refer, of course, to PREDICTABILITY. Donaldson's use of language is so repetitive and his characterization so limited to a few clumsy responses that he finds himself coming back again and again to the same beloved words, to the extent that you can predict their occurrence reliably enough to be able to leaf through and be sure of finding one almost immediately. Nimoy is even more adept in this esoteric art: his banal thought falls so naturally into cliches that you can predict whole lines at a time. You think I'm jesting when I speak of an Art of the Predictable, but if you think about it it IS an art. The grammar of cliche is a language all of its own that's never had the study it deserves. How is it that we learn to spot the ending in advance? how do we KNOW when a particular creaky old line is about to get trotted out? how do we come to anticipate the obvious platitudinous moral the story's setting up? In the same way as we learn a language, by exposure to so many examples of usage that our brains construct, unknown to our conscious minds, an internal grammar of how they're used in practice. After you've seen enough 50s SF films on the box, you come to EXPECT the professor's Faustian dabblings to destroy him in the end, while the young journalist hero clasps the daughter as they gaze on the smouldering wreckage of the laboratory. ("Oh Rick, it's -- horrible...." -- "It's all right, Jean, it's over now. The nightmare is over forever.") And this is what I mean when I say there are rules governing bad writing that you simply have to learn if you're to become a successful manufacturer of exploitation fiction. Perhaps I ought to clarify what I mean by that last category as applied to SF: I'm thinking principally of escapist adventure stories with no particular pretensions to engage the higher cortical functions and consisting chiefly of well-worn ideas and storytelling techniques recycled more or less formulaically. But in a way that's the least interesting quarter of the field under survey, because you'll find in practice that the techniques of shoddy fiction have permeated SF to such an extent that you can observe these same rules in operation even in some jolly good books, and many more with pretensions to being jolly good. I'll be drawing illustrations from all these categories, but obviously it's the last one that intrigues me most. Predictability, you see, even though we use the term disparagingly, has become in recent years a very bankable commodity in SF and fantasy publishing. The publishers know the public knows what it wants: it wants more of the same. Safe books. No surprises. Familiar surroundings from page one. And this means that even writers with considerable literary pretensions have had to learn the Art of the Predictable as part of the basic equipment of their trade. In Gene Wolfe, who is rather a subtle writer, this only results in the occasional irritating embarrassment; in Stephen Donaldson, who is about as subtle as a lead brick, it results in contemptible gaseous claptrap. Examples follow in due course. Well, by this stage, you're probably bouncing up and down in your seat with barely-continent excitement, thinking, "Wow, am I really going to learn to write like STEPHEN DONALDSON?" I have to let you down as gently as I can and say no, it's not quite as easy as that. You have to remember that Mr Donaldson's spent years learning to produce a book so flatulent you have to be careful not to squeeze it in a public place. All I can do in the time available is to offer instruction on the first and most important element of crummy writing, which is (as my title suggests) bad plotting. I can't promise that by the time you've read these pages you'll have learned to write significantly more stereotyped characters, or that your style will have become significantly more leaden and cliched. But I do promise that you'll be fully conversant with the many varieties of plot device, their use and function, and you'll be able to recognize and admire their handling in the works of the masters: Lionel Fanthorpe, A.E. van Vogt, and the early sword-and-sorcery novels of Michael Moorcock, to name only some of the virtuosi of the plot device I haven't space to mention in what follows. I choose plotting as the focus of my discussion for two compelling reasons. One is that it's been a persistently underrated art in all kinds of narrative all down the ages, and has rarely come in for any kind of analysis. I think the last person to say anything respectable about the art of plotting was Aristotle, who besides some famous remarks about beginning-middle-and-end laid down a few elementary precepts like events in the story having to follow in a relationship of internal logic, and having to appear to arise out of the interactions between characters rather than being obviously imposed from above by an author. Otherwise, nobody's ever tried to explain how to plot tightly or elegantly, and the whole skill of it's tended to be treated as a rather low form of creative activity, more appropriate to Feydeau farces and TV sitcoms than to high narrative art. There's a reason for this, I think. Up until very recently, really elaborate plotting has only been possible in comedy, where you don't mind being reminded of the existence of an author by the absurd artificiality of the structure of events. Real life isn't, on the whole, especially well plotted, and as soon as the good plotting in a story begins to get obtrusive we lose that essential impression of a purely internal logic governing the progress of events within the story. It's only in the last few decades that serious fiction has begun to make serious reference to its own fictitiousness, which is how novels like THE AFFIRMATION, LITTLE BIG, or IF ON A WINTER'S NIGHT A TRAVELLER can come into being. Even so, you'll find that most of the highly plotted, highly self- conscious novels within and without the genre tend to be funny -- as the various works of John Barth, William Gaddis, and John Sladek. It's significant that Sladek finds himself so attracted to the detective genre, about the only non-comic non-artsy-fartsy fictional tradition that still makes play with the reader's awareness of the plot as something basically artificial. The other reason I've chosen plotting to talk about is that it's the ideal topic to illustrate my point about rules of bad writing; because, while it's comparatively difficult to formulate any very definite procedure for constructing a good plot, I hope to be able to show that there are all sorts of little rules you can follow to give you an easy, step-by-step recipe for a really creaky one. This is the point to introduce you to the manual. In my experience, the book that has most to teach about the mistakes to avoid in good fantasy writing, and by that token the one that can tell you most about the rules of hacking, is itself a work of fiction. It's not one that's likely to be familiar to all, and I'd like to take this chance to bring it to notice; because while there may be other books I don't know about that could serve equally well, this is the one I've found to stand head and shoulders above all comparable handbooks of instruction. It's Lin Carter's novel THE BLACK STAR. For all I know, every other Lin Carter book may be exactly the same. I don't know; this is the only one I've ever finished. But I've read it more times than I can say, because practically any point you could wish to make about techniques of hackwork can be illustrated from the pages of this remarkable novel, to which I'll be making quite a lot of reference in what follows. It's hard to give any idea of the flavour of this astonishing text from just a few short citations, but here by way of introduction are four passages about the same character from different parts of the book. Niane fled down the jungle path on frantic, stumbling feet. Her gown was torn. Her slim white legs were scratched and bleeding. She panted for breath, young breasts heaving and straining against the fabric of her gown.... He hastened to untie the girl. She was in a sorry state; most of her clothing had been torn from her, although she did not seem to have suffered any injury save the insulting touch of cold, sly hands.... "Tush, girl!" the old fellow said, blushing a little at the warmth of her words and averting his keen old eyes reluctantly from the generous glimpses of her maiden flesh rendered visible by the sorry condition of her gown.... In the crude intimacy of the cell they had shared, the temptation to touch her, to allow a comforting, soothing hand to venture an overt caress, to permit his eyes to taste the soft slenderness of her body so artlessly revealed through the sorry condition of her garments, had often been well nigh irresistible. Where another man would have yielded, perhaps reluctantly, to his need -- which she as well felt -- he but stiffened and grew colder, wrenching his thoughts aside from this insidious channel with distaste.... Unfortunately, I'm limited to discussing the plot. The storyline of THE BLACK STAR is simple enough -- one might say, puerile. In the last age of fabled Atlantis, before the gods pulled the plug and sank beneath the waves that prehistoric continent that had linked Britain and the Falklands while the dagoes were still struggling with their Linguaphone courses in proto-Indo-European, Diodric the Warrior, Niane the Nymphet, and Nephog Thoon the Wizard with the Silliest Name in All Prehistory struggle against troglodytes, sorcerers, and militant anarchists to save the fabled jewel The Black Star from falling into the wrong hands, since the Gods seem to have a bit of a thing about it and will destroy civilization if it's lost. What relieves this at best "routine" (in the technical sense coined by the SF ENCYCLOPAEDIA) story from total tedium is the fascinating use that Carter makes of plot devices in order to get the whole preposterous rattletrap of a story moving along its dried-up watercourse of a road. Here I'd better pause and clarify what I mean by a plot device. In normal usage, when people talk of a plot device they mean something in the story that's just a little bit too obviously functional to be taken seriously. The most famous plot device in recent SF is the Babel fish, the joke about which is that it's such an obvious plot device that it implies the existence of an author. But the term is a flexible one, and I'm going to use a number of more specialized terms for some of the more specialized varieties of device. The Babel fish is an instance of the plot device at its simplest: a little bit of technology or whatever introduced into the story's world for the sole point of overcoming a little technical difficulty like the fact the characters can't speak to one another. All these FTL drives, instant translators, oxygen pills, and so forth: contrivances so basic to getting interplanetary stories off the ground that we no longer really worry about their implausibility. This is a fairly innocuous kind of plot device, often quite institutionalized, and nothing you could fairly call a sophisticated hacking technique. For that, you have to move a level up.... No time for words now, girl. I am sped, but ere I go down to the Kingdom of Darkness I must pass a terrible burden into your hands: alas, that it be so, but thus it must be, for I am near the end of my strength and there is none other here to take up That which I may no longer shield," he panted, and she wondered at his strange, portentous words.... (And this goes on for a page or so, then:) He plucked Something from the bosom of his robes and thrust it under her eyes. At the sight of the Thing which he held she voiced a small cry and would have recoiled in holy awe, save that his other hand grasped her wrist again, and dragged her near. "Girl! You know the meaning of this Thing? I read it within thine eyes.... Then take It, child." Well, of course, the Thing in question is the legendary Black Star, as we learn a hundred pages later: "While this Thing rested in the possession of the Divine Dynasty" (ie. the good guys) "the favour of the Gods shone upon Atlantis. No Emperor could hold the throne unless he also held the Black Star...." which means that the wicked Trotskyite rebels that have temporarily overrun the kingdom will be overcome so long as the goodies retain the Black Star. Notice that the only causal connection between possession of the Black Star and victory is that enforced by "the Gods", for whom of course read "the author", and you perhaps begin to see why I like to term this kind of thing COLLECT-THE-COUPONS plotting. It would be much too complicated to have three goodies overcome the whole usurping army, or at any rate it would be far beyond the plotting powers of a Lin Carter. So what you do instead is write into the scenario one or more PLOT COUPONS which happen to be "supernaturally" linked to the outcome of the larger action; and then all your character have to do is save up the tokens till it's time to cash them in. Obviously, this is an artifice which lends itself particularly well to fantasy writing, and is capable of widely varying subtlety of application. I think THE LORD OF THE RINGS, or LORD OF THE PLOT COUPONS, is the chief villain here, unless you want to trace it back to Wagner and his traditional sources. Tolkien, on the whole, gets away with the trick by minimizing the arbitrariness of the ring's plot-power and putting more stress than his imitators on the way the ring's power moulds the character of its wielder and vice-versa. But even so it's a pretty creaky apparatus, and one whose influence has been wholly disastrous. It's so EASY, they all cry; you save so much energy by just smuggling a few choice plot coupons up and down the map. Probably the most distinguished practitioner of collect- the-coupons plotting is Susan Cooper in those awful DARK IS RISING books, in the course of which the hapless goodies have to run down no fewer than nine different plot tokens before they can send off to the author for the ending. I quote from the end of volume two: "Each of the Things of Power was made at a different point in Time by a different craftsman of the Light" (odd how these discussions of the plot always seem to be signalled by bursts of capitalization), "to await the day when it would be needed. There is a golden chalice, called a grail; there is the Circle of Signs" (of which there are six separate components -- very busy book, that one); "there is a sword of crystal, and a harp of gold. The grail, like the Signs, is safely found. The other two we must yet achieve, other quests for other times." (Read: two more sequels.) "But once we have added to these, then when the Dark comes rising for its final and most dreadful onslaught, we shall have hope and assurance that we can overcome." We'll come back to Susan Cooper later on. A collect- thecoupons plotter who runs her close, though, is the inimitable Stephen Donaldson. He tends to pad more than Ms Cooper, so it takes rather more pages to collect each token; but I should think by volume nine of the trilogy he may well outstrip her for sheer multitude of the wretched things. Here's the crucial passage of insight and revelation from THE WOUNDED LAND, in which Thomas Covenant in a flash of wisdom perceives the whole point of volumes four to six. I've changed just one word throughout; see if you can spot what it is. Covenant saw. The Staff of Plot. Destroyed. For the Staff of Plot had been formed by Berek Halfhand as a tool to serve and uphold the Plot. He had fashioned the Staff from a limb of the One Tree as a way to wield Earthpower in defence of the health of the Land, in support of the natural order of life. And because Earthpower was the strength of mystery and spirit, the Staff became the thing it served. It was the Plot; the Plot was incarnate in the Staff. The tool and its purpose were one. And the Staff had been destroyed. That loss had weakened the very fibre of the Plot. A crucial support was withdrawn, and the Plot faltered. Of course, the word "Plot" in all this replaces Donaldson's "Law" (with one of those significant initial capitals), and of course all Covenant has to do now, in a Lensmanesque escalation of the same basic routine he went through in previous volumes, is go chugging off to cut himself a new Staff of Plot from the jolly old One Tree. I don't know how he does; four volumes was quite enough, though I hear there's an amazingly silly bit with limpet mines in the fifth. Another fantasy first. At any rate, there's another variety of ingenious plot device that's closely related to collecting the coupons, and that's SAVING THE VOUCHERS. As the name suggests, it's an activity that can amount to the same thing if your plot tokens happen to have an effective power of their own. A Plot Voucher is one of those useful items that is presented to the hero at the start of his adventure with a purpose totally unspecified, that turns out at an arbitrary point later in the story to be exactly what's needed to get him out of a sticky and otherwise unresolvable situation. ("This voucher valid for one [1] awkward scrape. Not transferable." Young Dirk stared at the object in bewilderment. "But what does it DO?", he asked, putting it reluctantly away in his pouch. "Ah," said the old sage, "I am not at liberty to tell you that. But when the time comes, you will know its purpose.") There's a glorious chapter in THE WOUNDED LAND again where Thomas Covenant is visited by a rapid succession of ghostly characters from previous volumes "to give you gifts, as the law permits". Some of the gifts are a bit of a cheat, as they consist only in explaining bits of the story that don't make an awful lot of sense. But there are two authentic plot vouchers thrown in. "When the time comes," says one character, "you will find the means to unlock my gift." "He may be commanded once," says another of the handy sidekick with whom he saddles the hapless Covenant. "Once only, but I pray it may suffice. When your need is upon you, and there is no other help." Ho-hum. In the event, of course, the ink is scarcely dry on the page before Donaldson decides Covenant's need is upon him and there is no other help. He also turns out to take a decidedly flexible interpretation of this once-and-once-only clause. I do recommend the use of plot vouchers to your attention if you're at all interested in writing multi-volume epics of quest and adventure, because they're terrifically easy to use and the readers never complain. You can issue your hero with a handy talisman of unspecified powers at the beginning of volume one, and have him conveniently remember it at various points over the succeeding volumes when he finds himself surrounded by slavering troglodytes or whatever, with no obligation to explain it until the series proves unsuccessful enough to require winding up and the loose ends tying. Lest anyone begin to suspect a veiled allusion to certain 1982 Nebula-winning novels, I'd better rip away the veil and confirm their suspicions; because if the Claw of the Conciliator is anything more than a general-purpose plot voucher I'm buggered if I can see what. I confess I haven't got on to the CITADEL yet*, but can it really explain this kind of thing? My lungs were bursting; I lifted my face to the surface, and they were upon me. No doubt there comes a time for every man when by rights he should die. This, I have always felt, was mine. I have counted all the life I have held since as pure profit, an undeserved gift. I had no weapon, and my right arm was numbed and torn. The man-apes were bold now. That boldness gave me a moment more of life, for so many crowded forward to kill me that they obstructed one another. I kicked one in the face. A second grasped my boot; there was a flash of light, and I (moved by what instinct of inspiration I do not know) snatched at it. I held the Claw. And then the Claw bathes the scene in its wondrous radiance and Severian slips away while the beasties are held rapt. What a let-down, eh? Even so, there are looser and lazier plot devices even than the voucher system. Don't forget that if you're absolutely stuck for anything for your characters to do, you can always issue them with little plot algorithms prescribing a sequence of more or less pointless tasks that they have to fulfil in order to achieve their end. Again, this is particularly easy to do in fantasy: an ancient prophecy, more often than not couched in mock-archaic verse, is quite sufficient. Susan Cooper is good at this; she's got a little rhyme to summarize the whole series in twelve lines, a shopping-list of plot tokens that encapsulates in a mnemonic nutshell the entire plot of the story, such as it is. But perhaps the supreme manifestation of the plot deviser's art, and the point where hackwork shades over into genius by virtue of the sheer inspired brilliance with which the unwritten rules of short-cut plot creation are exploited, is what I call the UNIVERSAL PLOT GENERATOR. A Plot Generator is a device written into your scenario that will create further stories as often as required, while laying no restrictions whatever on the kind of story produced. What I think have to be the two most brilliantly conceived specimens of this rarest and most sophisticated of all plot devices came up in the DC comics of my childhood. I don't think this is any accident. The comics have always been a kind of elephant's graveyard of antiquated plot devices, because they've always existed under the three ideal conditions for the genesis of bad plotlines: serial format with regular publishing schedules, an audience of adolescent Americans (arguably the lowest form of intelligence in the galaxy), and truly terrible writers. DC Comics in the middle sixties were a particularly golden age in this respect, because while other comics publishers like Marvel and Warren were making tentative sallies into character drama and the adult market, DC were still resolutely plumbing away in search of the lowest common denominator of all narrative art, under such marvellous hacks as the legendary Gardner F.Fox (whose novel KOTHAR -- BARBARIAN SWORDSMAN ranks among the classics of contemporary prose sculpture). Anyway, the first of DC's great plot generators is almost too famous to warrant discussion, except that the sheer artistry of the concept is rarely appreciated in full. I'd like you to think for a moment about RED KRYPTONITE. There was a time when the hues and varieties of kryptonite were being boosted daily by new kryptonological discoveries, but I think green and red were the only ones that really lasted the course. The effects of red kryptonite, you remember, were as follows. Each individual chunk would affect Superman, but no- one else, with a completely unpredictable effect that would last exactly forty-eight hours. He would then revert to normal and that particular chunk of red K could never affect him again. The brilliance of this only becomes fully apparent when you translate it all into plot terms; because forty-eight hours happens to be the average timespan of a story in a DC comic. What red kryptonite amounts to is a random element in your scenario that can be brought on at any time and introduce any daft plot idea the writer happens to have kicking about; and at the end of the story it will disappear from the continuity as if it had never been. It's hardly any wonder that the series, at its peak, got through chunks of red kryptonite so frequently that someone calculated that, for that amount of planetary debris to arrive on Earth by chance alone, the original planet Krypton must have been about the size of a galactic supercluster. There was only ever one plot generator among the many in DC's repertoire that ran red K close for sheer elegance (though others like DIAL H FOR HERO proved more durable), and that's the little-remembered Idol-Head of Diabolu. The Idol- Head appeared for a couple of years as the continuity in the Martian Manhunter stories, and the way it worked was this. The Idol-Head of Diabolu was an ancient bust created by an evil sorcerer way back in the mists of flashback, and I think it got unearthed by an unfortunate archaeologist or something. Thereafter, it would drift around from owner to owner or float around in the ocean and get washed up from time to time (which was odd, since the Head was carved from stone); and every full moon the top of the head would flip open like a Terry Gilliam cartoon and a new evil would be loosed on the world. Invariably these magical banes would find themselves being tackled by the Martian Manhunter, till eventually he managed to run the Idol-Head to ground and destroy it. What I so admire about this invention is that "every full moon" corresponds almost exactly to THE PUBLISHING SCHEDULE OF A MONTHLY COMIC BOOK; so that you had, written into the set-up, a device that would generate a guaranteed new villain or disaster every issue while leaving the scripter total freedom to fill in the details. Sometimes, however, even the Universal Plot Generator breaks down. You may find, in the course of hacking forth your masterpiece from the living pulp, that none of the plot devices hitherto catalogued, none of these little enemas to the Muse, will keep the story flowing; that you can think of no earthly reason why the characters should have to go through with this absurd sequence of actions save that you want them to, and no earthly reason why they should succeed save that it's in the plot. Despair not. If you follow the handbook, you'll find there's a plot device even for this -- when the author has no choice but to intervene in person. Obviously, this requires a disguise, unless you're terribly postmodernist. The disguise favoured by most writers, not unnaturally, tends to be God, since you get the omnipotence while reserving the right to move in mysterious ways and to remain invisible to mortal eyes. There aren't all that many DEUS EX MACHINA scenes where the Deity actually rolls up in person to explain the plot to the bewildered characters, though Stephen Donaldson permits an extended interview at the end of THE POWER THAT PRESERVES. What tends to happen instead is the kind of coy allusiveness coupled with total transparency of motive you meet, for example, in THE BLACK STAR, where our heroes most improbably find a light aircraft in which to escape the overrun city: It was by the most incredible stroke of fortune that Diodric and the Lady Niane should have stumbled upon so rare and priceless a memento of the eons. Or perhaps it was not Blind Fortune, but the inscrutable Will of the Gods. One thinks irresistibly of Gandalf's famous words to Frodo when explaining the logic of THE LORD OF THE PLOT DEVICES: "I can put it no plainer than by saying that Bilbo was MEANT to find the Ring, and NOT by its maker." Frodo, unfortunately, fails to respond with the obvious question, to which the answer is "by the author". But actually, it's not always necessary for the author to put in an appearance himself, if only he can smuggle the Plot itself into the story disguised as one of the characters. Naturally, it tends not to look like most of the other characters, chiefly on account of its omnipresence and lack of physical body. It'll call itself something like the Visualization of the Cosmic All, or Seldon's Plan, or THE HITCH-HIKER'S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY, or the Law, or the Light, or the Will of the Gods; or, in perhaps its most famous avatar, the Force. Credit for this justly celebrated interpretation of STAR WARS belongs to Phil Palmer; I'd only like to point out the way it makes sudden and perfect sense of everything that happens in the film. "The time has come, young man, for you to learn about the Plot." "Darth Vader is a servant of the dark side of the Plot." When Ben Kenobi gets written out, he becomes one with the Plot and can speak inside the hero's head. When a whole planet of good guys gets blown up, Ben senses "a great disturbance in the Plot." If this is beginning to sound like a silly little verbal game, think again. The reason you can play this sort of game in the first place is that the Force is one of those arbitrary, general-purpose, all-powerful plot devices that can be invoked whenever convenient to effect whatever happens to be necessary at the time. The only ends it serves within the logic of the story are those of the storyteller. And the reason you can decode so much of SF in this kind of way is that SF is absolutely addicted to crappiness; and while science fiction may not offer any more opportunities than any other kind of fiction for crappy character-drawing or crappy prose, the scope for crappy plotting is virtually limitless. For instance, Lionel Fanthorpe could never have existed in any genre but SF. Everyone knows, I imagine, the story of the Flaz Gaz Heat Ray, perhaps the most outrageous DEUS EX MACHINA ending in all literature. There the heroes were, stranded deep in an enemy sector of space, surrounded by an entire enemy fleet with the guns trained on them, when the maestro realized all of a sudden he had only one page left to finish the book. Quick as a flash, the captain barks out: "It's no use, men. We'll have to use the Flaz Gaz Heat Ray." "Not -- not the Flaz Gaz Heat Ray!" So they open up this cupboard, and there's this weapon that just blasts the entire fleet into interstellar dust. One almighty ZAP and the thousand remaining loose ends are quietly incinerated. Where, but in SF, could you do that? So this is your challenge. I hope that in revealing to you, for the first time in cosmic history, these precious secrets of how to tune and play your very own plot devices, I've given you some idea of the opportunities that exist for the talentless hack to abuse, short-change and exploit the mindless masses who put up with this garbage. Armed with this knowledge, you are now equipped to go out into the world and create science fiction stories worse than any that have gone before them. The earth will tremble; railway bookstalls will burst with the fruits of your typewriters; small-time hacks like the vermin who write for IASFM* will be swept away by the new torrent of drivel! From this moment on, the universe is yours. The only thing that could possibly stand in your way would be a united resistance from those contemptible snot- gobbed arthropods the readers themselves, crying out against cheapskate exploitation fiction and demanding stories that can hold the road without the author stepping in every five pages to crank the bloody things up. Small chance of that, eh? I leave the future of SF in your hands. May the Plot be with you. [Nick Lowe] Answers to COMPLETE THE POEM quiz: (i) ...but for what you are. (ii) ...I love you now for what you have become. (iii) ...I miss what I am when you are here. (iv) ...it is a gift to me. (v) ...You are you. / Our love is us. RATE YOUR SCORE... 13-15 Excellent. The nation's greetings cards manufacturers need you. 9-12 Not bad, but damaging traces of poetic sensibility probably bar you from the big time. Try ghosting for Patience Strong. 5-8 Could do well in vanity publishing. Don't despair. 1-4 Alas! better stay dead. * ALL-PURPOSE EDITORIAL FOOTNOTE: This piece started as a talk (Fencon, 1982) in rather different format -- eg. Clench- Searching was demonstrated in real time. Aeons later, Nick recast it as above for DRILKJIS, and galactic cycles after that it became apparent that D7 would not appear. My asterisks are to remind you of time's winged chariot, and that (eg.) IASFM is much improved under Gardner Dozois. [DRL] ============================================================= The Fiction/Good Taste Supplement: BRAD BERRY (1920-1986) by DAVID S.GARNETT ============================================================= The death has been reported of noted sci-fi writer Brad Berry, shortly after the publication of his first novel for over 20 years, BOMBING IS A LONELY BUSINESS. Mr Berry cancelled a European trip recently because of anticipated unfavourable reviews. He refused to visit Britain, believing it had become an editorial target after a READERS DISGUST subscription campaign against Libya had been launched from bases in England. Mr Berry also called off a visit to France, as a protest against French publishers who had refused to allow mail shots to overfly their territory -- they were concerned about possible readership losses in the home market. Although its population is only one percent of that of the U.S.A., Libya's influence as a centre of worldwide literary subversion is well known: their notorious sponsorship of "Number One International Bestsellers", for example, although for security reasons evidence of the responsibility for the 1984 Booker Prize atrocity must be kept secret. Editor-in-Chief of Libyan House is Colonel "Mad Pencil" Qadhafi, who does not subscribe to READERS DISGUST or its values, and who was attempting to set up an alternative magazine. Because the READERS DISGUST special offer campaign had resulted in circulation cuts among readers of his own publication, Editor Qadhafi was believed to be considering a new publicity drive, using famous personalities to endorse his global policies. Regarding Mr Berry as a representative of decent American Mid-Western values, it was rumoured that a special decommissioning editor would cancel his contract while he was in London. All Mr Berry's books would have been set on fire -- a gesture designed as an ironic parody of his movie novelization BURN, COMMIE, BURN -- and the author himself was to have received the ultimate censorship and been remaindered. By refusing to leave the safety of his native country, Mr Berry avoided the devastating critical massacre at the Royal Connaught public house in London, which left the cream of Britain's sci-fi authors suffering from severe writer's block. Mr Berry was scheduled to be the special guest of the Supper Club, but he withdrew when he discovered that the date set for the meeting was May 1, the infamous pagan holiday. However, another American celebrity had arrived in London a few days earlier, and she graciously accepted the role of substitute. Wallis Simpson, better known under her pseudonym the Duchess of Windsor, had no fear of being terminally edited. As she was already dead, instead of giving a speech her final royalty statement was read out by a ghost writer. Ironically, it was on the very same day that Mr Berry was mugged and shot dead a few yards from his own home, becoming one of the 10,000 Americans who are sacrificed each year to the Second Amendment. Mr Berry seems to have been the victim of one of the annoying mistakes which so bedevilled his own published works -- a typo. Recent research shows that the 1791 Constitutional Amendment contained a misprint: the right to "bear" arms should have been "bare" arms. Alas, instead of having his sleeves rolled up Mr Berry's attacker was democratically armed with a handgun. Mr Berry was arguably the world's most famous sci-fi writer. Everyone has heard of him, although nobody has read any of his books. He will probably be best remembered for his contributions to the visual media. As well as novelizing BURN, COMMIE, BURN, he scripted the famous video nasty MOBY SICK. He reached his peak in 1953 with the release of two memorable movies based on his short stories: IT CAME FROM OUT OF HOLLYWOOD and THE BEAST FROM WASHINGTON DC. Mr Berry will also never be forgotten for the television mini-series of his book THE FARCICAL CHRONICLES, which raised model making technology to heights which had not been achieved since the heady days of THUNDERBIRDS. His penultimate novel, NOTHING WICKED FROM AMERICA COMES, was made into another movie by Ricky Rat Studios; but until what will sadly be his last novel, Mr Berry had for two decades confined himself to short stories. Many of these appeared within the pages of MASTURBATOR, the short story being an ideal length for the attention span of "readers" of this journal. A number of these were stuck together (as indeed were so many pages of MASTURBATOR) into yet another film, THE IGNORANT MAN, linked by the plot device of having the narratives written on the walls of a rest room. Mr Berry had been planning to visit Britain next year, by which time he hoped that his bad reviews would have been forgotten, and that editor Qadhafi would have been sacked, thereby reducing the threat of literary agents to innocent authors everywhere. The World SF Convention is being held in September 1987, in Brighton -- the English seaside town where one of the main hotels was the scene of an IRA structuralist critique during a recent annual conference of Conservative Press, resulting in several early redundancies. In a unique joint publishing venture, the Irish Readers Association is reported to receive many of its manuscripts from Libyan House, while publication of such novels is financed by voluntary contributions from freedom loving American patriots. It is for this spirit of peaceful co-operation, international tolerance and world friendship that Brad Berry will be remembered as long as there are late night movies.[DSG] [YOUR EDITOR ADDS: This must be some kind of allegory. I certainly didn't see any famous American author failing to attend the SF Supper Club at the Royal Connaught. ANSIBLE is as always completely irresponsible, for everything.] C.O.A. (NOT ALL RECENT!) MICHAEL ABBOTT, Flat 7, Bryanstone Rd, Talbot Woods, Bournemouth, BH3 7JE :: PAUL BARNETT, 17 Polsloe Rd, Exeter, Devon, EX1 2HL :: MERV BINNS (& AUSTRALIAN SF NEWS), PO Box 491, Elsternwick, Vic 3185, Australia :: TERRY BROOME, 23 Claremont St, Lincoln, LN2 5BN :: DENICE & BRIAN EARL BROWN, 11675 Beaconsfield, Detroit, MI 48224, USA :: PETER COLLEY, 7 Sumatra Rd, West Hampstead, London, NW6 :: JONATHAN COXHEAD, 92 Histon Rd, Cambridge, CB4 3JP :: GAMES WORKSHOP (where erstwhile IMAGINE boss Paul Cockburn is now in charge of everything interesting, Ian Marsh and most of the old mob having been expunged from the histories for unwillingness to move north), Enfield Chambers, 16-18 Low Pavement, Nottingham, NG1 7DL :: ROY HILL, 8 Windsor Rd, Canterbury, Kent, CT1 3UN :: TERRY & MARGARET HILL, 42 Chaplin Drive, Headcorn, Kent, TN27 9TN :: PHIL JAMES, GSOC/MARCOL Team, DFVLR, D-8031 Oberpfaffenhofen, West Germany :: LEIGH KENNEDY, 2 Alma Place, Marlborough, Wilts, SN8 1AF :: KEITH KNIGHT, 164 Goldhurst Tce, West Hampstead, London, NW6 3HP :: CHRIS LEWIS, UWIST, Redwood Bldg, King Edward VII Ave, Cardiff :: MATT MACKULIN, 8 Upper Ashmount, Cloughfold, Rawtenstall, Rossendale, Lancs, BB4 7PS :: IAN MARSH, Top Flat, 19 Rusholme Rd, London, SW15 3JX :: TOM PERRY, PO Box E, Sugar Loaf, NY 10981, USA :: DARROLL & RO PARDOE, 38 Marina Village, Preston Brook, Runcorn, Cheshire, WA7 3BQ :: MAUREEN PORTER, 114 Guildhall St, Folkestone, Kent, CT20 1ES :: ANDY SAWYER, 1 The Flaxyard, Woodfall Lane, Little Neston, S.Wirral, Cheshire, L64 4BT :: JOHN SLADEK, Apt 2, 15201 Scenic Heights Rd, Eden Prairie, MN 55344, USA :: KEVIN & DIANA SMITH, 19 Millford, Goldsworth Park, Woking, Surrey, GU21 3LH :: SPHERE BOOKS, 27 Wrights Lane, London, W8 5TZ (NB: lovable editor Colin Murray has left, seeking new worlds to conquer) :: ALEX STEWART, 47 St Johns Green, Colchester, Essex, CO2 7EZ :: KEV & SUE WILLIAMS (temporary, pending permanent settlement in the civilized South), c/o Richardson Vicks Ltd, R&D Labs, Rusham Park, Whitehall Lane, Egham, Surrey, TW20 9NW :: STEVE WOOLHOUSE, 19 Jaunty Mount, Sheffield, South Yorks, S12 3DR :: Bob Lichtman adds a footnote: "Walter Willis of Stanford, California, recognizing the confusion he's been inadvertently causing among 6th fandom fans everywhere, has voluntarily changed his name. He is sure his new name, Lee Hoffman, will rectify this problem." CONVENTION NOTES (OR, MORE BORING BITS) CONSEPT/UNICON 7 (8-10 Aug, Guildford) has GoH Tanith Lee; #4 supp #8 att; 9 Graham Rd, Wealdstone, Harrow, Middlesex, HA3 5RP. (They call it "Un7con", perhaps meaning "Not Unicon 7.") RUBICON (22-25 Aug, Newbury) is Not Quite Silicon: #5 to Bishop's Cottage, Park House Lane, Reading, Berks, RG3 2AH. CONFEDERATION (Worldcon, 28 Aug - 2 Sept, Atlanta): just too late to book in advance, and it's $65 at the door. GoH Ray Bradbury, FGoH Terry Carr. (Suite 1986, 3277 Roswell Rd, Atlanta, GA 30305, USA.) FANTASYCON XI (26-28 Sept, Brum) claims its "high point" is a banquet cum awards ceremony, but this is probably a plot to deter undesirables. #2 supp #10 att to 15 Stanley Rd, Morden, Surrey, SM4 5DE. XIICON (26-29 Sept, Glasgow): GoH Harry Harrison. #3 supp #9 att; "Beachfield", Calfmuir Rd, Lenzie, Glasgow, G66 3JJ. BENELUXCON 1986: there is no Beneluxcon 1986. NICON '86 (26 Oct, Belfast) purports to be the First Northern Ireland SF Convention, with GoH Anne McCaffrey. One day only; #1 supp #2 att, cheques to "Queen's Clubs & Societies". Thomas Ferguson, SF Soc, c/o QUBSU Bldg, University Rd, Belfast BT7 1PE. (Despite stiff competition from Mike Sherwood, Thomas F. has the worst handwriting of any ANSIBLE correspondent. Our cryptanalysts are working on several letters from him, some of which may even be arranged into words.) NOVACON 16 (31 Oct - 2 Nov, Coventry): GoH Ted Tubb, who will dictate a Dumarest book as the first third of his speech, plus Chris Evans. #8 to 86 Berwood Farm Rd, Wylde Green, Sutton Coldfield, W Midlands. 5,271,009 fans claim to be "skipping Novacon" following a slightly over-the-top Chairman's Warning in PR1, but most will doubtless relent. (The warning? Usual stuff: castration and eviction for anyone caught importing booze, holding room parties, going barefoot, sleeping on floors, annoying hotel staff, etc. Chairman Tony Berry has not mastered the subtle art of at least appearing to be on the side of the fans rather than the hotel....) CONCEPTION (13-15 Feb, Leeds) celebrates 50 years since a certain famous Leeds convention and aims to recreate intervening history, omitting the 1937 Temperance Hall theme. #6 to 12 Fearnville Tce, Oakwood, Leeds, LS8 3DU. To pinch a phrase from V.Omniaveritas, this one is so ideologically sound it should be mailed in a sealed train to Moscow. ORICON (6-8 March, Essex) claims to be an Irwin Allen cum General Media con. Who's Irwin Allen? (I can probably live on without this information, actually.) #12 plus -- chiz chiz -- 3 SAEs to 66 Burdett Ave, Westcliff on Sea, essex, SS0 7JW. BECCON '87 (Eastercon, NEC, Brum): GoH Keith Roberts, FGoH A.N.Other. #5 supp #10 att, rates to rise by #1 on 1 Sept. CONSPIRACY '87 (27 Aug - 2 Sept, somewhere on the south coast) is still happening! Membership now #25/$40/$A50, firm to 30 Sept this year. The GoH list has swollen still further with the addition of Arkady & Boris Strugatsky ("dunno if they'll really come," said an unnamed chairman); persons not actually on the committee are running a "Three Fan Guests Are Not Enough, Let's Have Terry Jeeves As Well" campaign, provoking the Conspirators to tumultuous apathy.... PAM WELLS begs massive information input about fan groups worldwide -- but especially UK -- for purposes of official Fan Liaison. Ditto fanzines for fan room display: send to Pam at 24a Beech Rd, Bowes Park, London, N11 2DA, marked "Conspiracy" to prevent them vanishing into the recesses of the mighty Wells archive. RON BENNETT is doing the dealers' room (tables #25/$37.50, wall tables #30/$45, rates for ceiling tables not given): bookings by 1 May with #10 deposit to him at 36 Harlow Park Cres, Harrogate, HG2 0AW. INFINITELY IMPROBABLE IDEOLOGICAL HORROR AT TWP: The editors of our all-female APA were ticked off by a resigning Joy Hibbert for their hideous gaffe of using cover artwork by one D.West, whose cryptic initial is believed to conceal the name of a m*n.... PAUL (JOHN GRANT) BARNETT is in the throes of a definitive Walt Disney encyclopaedia (he got a free research trip to California, too): "The task is roughly equivalent to writing the entire ENCYCLOPAEDIA OF SF single-handed... or even with the help of an Australian critic and editor. Oh joy. At least I haven't had to watch THE BLACK HOLE or TRON." DUFF: the ballot for who gets the coveted trip from Australia to Confederation was won by (take a deep breath) the artists' collective Lewis Morley, Marilyn Pride and Nick Stathopoulos. Good people, I'm told, but one does wonder about the precedent. Could the INTERZONE collective stand as a single candidate for TAFF? The entire BSFA for GUFF? Spung! A LOAD OF OLD CABELLERS: a couple of you asked after the James Branch Cabell society and its organ ("rampant in every member") KALKI. Try Prof Dorys C. Grover, Hall of Languages 208, Fast Texas State University, Commerce, TX 75428, USA. Can one deduce, in a manner not convenient to describe, that Cabell has fallen into the hands of the academics? PROFESSIONAL CONTROVERSY! Quite a bit of late. In the letter column of the GRAUNIAD, Michael Moorcock launched a campaign to have vile John Norman banned, only to get into a fearful tangle when the W.H.Smith people started raising unfair points like "why was all censorship evil when NEW WORLDS was being attacked, but not now?".... Tom Disch used the columns of THE NATION (USA) to be doubtful about SF, Shuttles, and space militarization, modulating gleefully into an attack on Jerry Pournelle -- whose reported reply confines itself to not wholly cogent points like "My fans don't carry toy guns, that's Gordon Dickson" and "I have no special uniforms other than Boy Scouts of America".... On the fan front, Ken Lake complained at wearying length about Colin Fine's term "arch- whinger" in A45 ("Lying comments... cowardly sod... I will welcome a grovelling apology when he has the guts to make it," etc). Colin duly apologized. Enough of that. R.I.P: the Ansible Book of the Dead is sadly outdated, but we can't omit the deaths of Robert P.Mills (7 Feb, of heart attack), FRANK HERBERT (11 Feb, of cancer: his THE DRAGON IN THE SEA still means a lot to me, and DUNE has its moments), JUDY-LYNN DEL REY (20 Feb, following coma mentioned last issue), MANLY WADE WELLMAN (5 April, following unspeakable experience also mentioned last issue), THOMAS N. SCORTIA (28 April, of leukaemia) and J.ALLEN HYNEK, one-time scientist who went barmy about UFOs and got a bit part in CE3K. In Britain, that long-term fan and pillar of the Swansea group ROGER GILBERT died late in June, apparently from a brain haemorrhage. Another fan group, the Birmingham-area MISFITS, was officially pronounced dead on 28 June ("terminal membership loss," says Dr Steve Green). And MAL ASHWORTH has issued his own obituary notice: "as of now I am Out -- gafiated -- fannishly flatlined." Gosh, it's like seeing Harlan Ellison sever every connection with SF, again.... NEBULA AWARD THRILLS! Marvel Comics have circularized SFWA members with copies of their MOONSHADOW comic and a plea for the institution (they can't actually SPELL institution, but never mind) of a Nebula comics category. ANSIBLE advises them to forget it. Our own far more heartfelt campaign for a Best Deaf Author category was rudely ignored. PRO NEWS COLUMN (BY GARRY KILWORTH): "Garry Kilworth goes semi-straight this August with a mainstream novel to be published by The Bodley Head, called WITCHWATER COUNTRY," writes Garry Kilworth. "This is a novel ABOUT fantasy, not of fantasy, with its grotesque and macabre elements, such as could delight SF and fantasy fans, incorporated as part of the realistic world of the adolescent who finds it difficult to separate the supernatural from the mundane." [GK] SOVIET NEWS: "handwritten translations of Rob Holdstock's short story `Thorn' (the Novacon 14 souvenir booklet) are currently doing the rounds in Volgograd, courtesy of the city's `Winds of Time' SF group -- Rob's eyes clouded with visions of millions of roubles in lost royalties when given the news at Mexicon II, but calmed down when he realized the readership is barely into double figures." [Steve Green] EVERYTHING MUST GO! Eric Bentcliffe is flogging vast numbers of SF books and mags collected over the past several aeons: much rare stuff, much dross, want lists appreciated, confidentiality guaranteed to Philip E.High completists.... (17 Riverside Cres, Holmes Chapel, Cheshire, CW4 7NR.) JAMES WHITE PUSHES BACK FRONTIERS OF GOOD TASTE! In his hard-hitting new Sector General book, "E-t body wastes and bedpans are dealt with in one sentence, but it is all done in the best possible taste." [JW] CONCRETE OVERCOAT FAN FUND: this may vanish after last year's ructions -- see Novacon 16's PR2 for an attempt to Finger the Pulse of Fandom. Interim voting totals CIRCA Albacon showed only three fans with an unpopularity in double figures (all 10): Vince Docherty, Robert Sneddon, Ian Sorenson. Postal votes at 10p each may be sent to COFF's transparent NOM DE PLUME "Alliance & Leicester Building Society" c/o K.Clarke, 191 Valley Rd, Solihull, West Midlands. All cash to worthy causes, etc. SKIFFY DEAN SPEAKS! Robert Heinlein emerged from seclusion to tell THE WALL STREET JOURNAL his philosophy of literature: "To me the acme of prose style is exemplified by that simple, graceful clause, `Pay to the order of....'" [MMW] Meanwhile, the 1986 ANSIBLE award for Being Influenced By Famous Heinlein Narrative Hooks goes to S.Delany's STARS IN MY POCKET LIKE GRAINS OF SAND, wherein we find: "The door deliquesced." (No, really, it sort of melts into a puddle to let you in.) PAST CONS: Too much has already been printed about Mexicon (where Iain Banks incurred the dread fandom addiction, Joe Nicholas was inverted, and your editor was put in a poncho for being too clever by half) and Corflu (where Dan Steffan hurled a pie at GoH Teresa Nielsen Hayden ["I woulda decked him" -- A.Carol], Patrick NH squirted cream up Dan's nose, and every membership badge said HELLO! I'M RICHARD BERGERON). Best bit: en route to Corflu, Rob Hansen had trouble with a US Customs thug who was deeply insulted by a certain Jim Barker cover. "`Is this supposed to show that while the guy behind the desk is going through these folks' stuff he's too dumb to see the other guy sneaking stuff by him?' he asked. I smiled a sickly smile and suddenly wished I hadn't agreed to carry all those copies of Dave's trip report over...." [RH] THE SAVAGE POPCORN OF R.I.BARYCZ: "20th Century Fox is sueing LA Effects Group for falling down on SFX work for ALIENS. You can tell this is a serious bit of sueing because Fox only want $407,935.74 being their unpaid advance and $176,000 in damages. The real kick is their also asking for a court order to say that 20th is not liable for the legal claims arising out of LA Effects' failure to complete the work. I translate this as Fox's attempt to stop the US cinema industry from sueing Fox for not delivering ALIENS on a set date (a set hour of the day, even!) in 1986 -- said industry and cinema owners having paid Fox $25,000,000 in up-front non-returnable guarantees for the privilege of selling popcorn during the showing of ALIENS. If they don't get what they paid for they will sue Fox for $1000 million or whatever. Wot's that noise? Industrial Light & Magic riding to the rescue, again.... "The flick's action takes up either 30 seconds after the end of ALIEN or 57 years later when Ripley (and her pussy) are picked up by another space ship in a state of hibernation. A still in SCREEN INTERNATIONAL shows our heroine looking fraught and armed with a piece of lethal hardware (looks good), but she's also carrying on her other hip a small female child who looks winsome rather than fraught (bodes no good -- not small winsome children in a skiffy movie)." [RIB] YOUR MAILING LABEL EXPLAINED. T.Kevin Atherton speaks for you all: "I write to thank you for happy little ANSIBLE and to reaffirm my unwillingness to give you so much as a penny of my hard-earned money even if you were to claim you were going to use it to ship grain to Ethiopia. Rather than give in to such `sub overdue' taunts as you might fling in my direction, I have decided to respond in kind. Please note that your subscription for the enclosed CRI DE LOON is so fucking overdue that when your name passes through our computer an enormous brass gong is walloped on every floor of the LOON building and the beepers implanted in the flesh of our roving employees wail like air-raid sirens and heat 'til they glow like fresh-poured ingots of lead. Please send your check (cheque) or money order (munny ordur) with blinding speed or prepare your soul to receive a whole matched series of puling `sub overdue' notices written in coloured inks that pass with each new letter through the entire spectrum beginning with violet. So there and take THAT!" [TKA] Quite. THE END. [Ends] ANSIBLE 47, 1986: PLEASE NOTE that this old ANSIBLE is a bit of history. Addresses may have changed (the editor's postal address hasn't, but ignore old e-mail addresses), prices and agents' credits are invalid, etc. Dave Langford, ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk, 1993. ============================================================= ANSIBLE 47 NOVEMBER 1986 ISSN 0265-9816 More from jaded DAVE LANGFORD, 94 LONDON ROAD, READING, BERKSHIRE, RG1 5AU, UK. Postal rates have soared by a staggering 1p, but 5 issues of ANSIBLE still cost #2: cheques or money orders to ANSIBLE, Girobank transfer to account 24 475 4403. Or $3.50 to US agents Mary & Bill Burns (23 Kensington Court, Hempstead, NY 11550); or $4A to Aussie agent Irwin (For GUFF) Hirsh, 2/416 Dandenong Rd, North Caulfield, Vic 3161. Subscriptions for fewer issues are also welcome, if you can handle the intricate mathematics involved: 40p for one, etc. Phone: Reading (0734) 665804 (talk loudly). Cartoons: ATom. ============================================================= HAZEL'S LANGUAGE LESSONS, INCORPORATING ANSIBLE Last issue's absence of a Language Lesson plunged half fandom into war. Hazel had to burrow to the street through a mound of outraged letters whose size endangered the flight path of Concorde; I was compelled to subsidize the postman's new truss. Oh yes, the SF priorities of our readership are all too evident.... John Brunner was first to the rescue, with wisdom from a classic Chinese dictionary: WAN: a small mouth. Some say a large mouth. T'HAN: to pretend to look near whilst cherishing distant views. CH'HUEN KEIH SEANG KWEI: to bore a hole in the wall and peep at each other. CHEN: to stand still. To gallop at full speed. PEE: a dog under the table. A dog with short legs. A short headed dog. MANG: a species of bird with one eye and one wing, two of which when joined together are able to fly. KHEIH IAOU: various tribes of barbarians unacquainted with marriage and knocking out the teeth. WANG JEN: to side with anybody or everybody. CHEN is the interesting one: Hazel remembers a Coptic word meaning "Go" or alternatively "Stop", and a Paul Jennings essay cites a Greek look-alike: (1) move quickly; (2) sit. ME My own personal lukewarm news takes a load off my mind and at last provides an answer for the millions of fans awaiting the publication and remaindering of that putative SF novel WILDERNESS OF MIRRORS. I've scrapped it. The reasons are all too complicated, the results quite gratifying -- your editor can once again write other SF without feeling guilty, and was quick to bash out a story for what was to be called THE ORION ANTHOLOGY or thereabouts. (This, edited by Rob Holdstock and Chris Evans, is a "British SF showcase" collection to appear as an Orion [Unwin] paperback just in time for Conspiracy '87. Its latest title is OTHER EDENS, contributors besides the editors being Aldiss, Charnock, Garnett, Kilworth, Harrison [MJ], Lamming, Langford, Lee, Moorcock, Roberts [K], Tuttle and Watson. "Er, we mean British-RESIDENT SF," the editors hastily added.) Instead of nobly following up with an October ANSIBLE, I went on a holiday which looks set to inspire several metafictions about shifting perception. When you visit Snowdonia in company with Martin & Katie Hoare, the surface reality of mountains and sheep begins to fade, revealing instead the hidden webs of REALALESPACE. Yes, the flickering communications pulsing beneath our society follow high-tech networks constrained only by the shortest routes between pub and pub. The hell with Gibson and Sterling: realalepunk SF is going to be the cutting edge of the future, portraying as it does the deadly interface between humankind and chemical transcendence. I have seen the future and it HIC! (During odd sober moments of the holiday I read -- as a respite from too much terrible SF for review -- Kingsley Amis's THE OLD DEVILS. "Bloody hell, this is good!" was my measured opinion, and sure enough, within weeks, the novel won the Booker Prize. It's nice to know one has influence.) Meanwhile, historically minded readers may have expected a change of direction or editor after ANSIBLE 46. It was at that ominous number that weary Peter Roberts stopped doing ANSIBLE's predecessor CHECKPOINT, passing control to new editors (until issue 74, but that's another story). Item: ANSIBLE, exhaustingly, now has more than five times the old circulation of CHECKPOINT (not to mention several times the wordage). Item: Your editor is medically advised that each time he types a COA- or award nominations list, millions of his brain cells die. Item: There's something tempting about the half-century mark and/or the epochal period from one British worldcon (ANSIBLE first appeared at Seacon '79) to the next. Tentative conclusion: I wouldn't subscribe beyond issue 50 if I were you. MILFORD 1986, OR 15 CHARACTERS IN SEARCH OF A VOLUME CONTROL FOR NEIL GAIMAN PAUL BARNETT WAS THERE: There is more room in heaven for a flannel nightcap than for a silver codpiece. Arriving some three hours before anyone else, I discovered for myself what metropolitan Milford-on-Sea thought about this annual invasion of skiffy writers. I strolled idly down to the seafront and into a cafe for an ice-cream. There the fifteen- year-old server and her fifteen-year-old hangers-on fell about laughing throughout the entire transaction. After a quick check -- yup, them flies wuz closed -- I danced away in glee: there were soon going to be fifteen other buggers just as hilarious as me. Of course I don't believe it -- I simply embrace it fervently. Various catchwords and phrases emerged at Milford, not all of which are easily comprehended by the amateur. Here is a brief glossary: CRAWLING TESTICLES: Term introduced by Alex Stewart in a short story. Describes feelings of male participants when their story is being discussed. SPUNG! Dignified Heinleinian term for the reaction of the female nipple to sexual stimulation. This word was used whenever there was a conversational silence. UNTENABLE: Term used by US cyberpunk (qv.) writer Bruce Sterling to describe stories either (a) not cyberpunk or (b) not written by Bruce Sterling. CYBERPUNK: Skiffy written by persons concerned with invasive technology -- the gadgets that Definitely Will Invade Your Body. Dildoes deliberately excluded, even if coked up. Derivatives produced during the event included SCIFYBERPUNK and the much more digestible LOWFIBREPUNK. MIRROR SHADES: Adopted as the uniform of cyberpunks (qv.). MAZOLA PARTY: Term describing orgies so unstimulating that the participants have to use Mazola cooking oil to lubricate the parts that Heineken can't reach. According to Bruce Sterling (qqv.) such parties are engaged in by famous golden-age skiffy writers at worldcons. Your correspondent waved a block of cheapskate lard but got no takers. CONTABESCENT: A cold aerosol spray used in farming to wither the unwanted tumescences of billy-goats. (To think! -- Call My Bluff used to be a clean game.) CUTTING EDGE: Term used by Bruce Sterling (qqqv.) to describe cyberpunk (qv.). Cyberpunk is the cutting edge of skiffy. Us Brits are producing the frayed trailing edge. A stuffy rebuttal of this thesis by Neil Gaiman concluded: "We don't give a fuck. And you can't make us." BAR PIXIES: The mystical elementals responsible for the fact that only 57 pints were recorded at the bar during the sinking of an 80-pint barrel. The "missing" 23 pints were generally assumed to be those thrown away by topers who, although eager, regarded a fistful of evil-smelling foam as undrinkable. (THIS ONE WILL RUN AND RUN....) You cannot kill a man with a poem. You cannot rule a nation with a sonnet. I will keep my guns, sir, and you may keep your verses. All stories brought to Milford were generally peed upon, the only exception being Garry Kilworth's "Blood Orange", which was peed upon by a militant few because it was too perfect. Gwyneth Jones, using occasionally subtle trajectories, peed upon every story in sight on the basis that she hadn't written it, and was then astonished when her own incomprehensible piece vanished under a flood of urine. Bruce Sterling, whose mission was to persuade the Brits to take up the True Quill (ie., cyberpunk) peed upon all stories until the moment his own was discussed; thereafter, having discovered what it was like, he mellowed. Diana Wynne Jones and Judy Blish, two very nice people, desperately tried to find something nice to say about EVERYTHING -- a difficult task, seeing as my story was one of those under consideration. The battlefield is the place for blunders, not the cricket pitch. Ah yes, my story. At 4750 words it was widely regarded as too long. What will they say of the 90,000-word EARTHDOOM!, I wonder. Too introspective? Bear-baiting, sir? 'Tis not for me Unless the beast a maiden be. Various putative projects raised their heads during Milford. NOW WE ARE SICK, edited by Neil Gaiman and Steve Jones, is to be an anthology of revolting verse for kids; surprisingly, money is being talked. David Barrett is soliciting contributions for a hypothetical series of short-shorts to appear in COMPUTER WEEKLY; if this goes ahead the results will (or possibly will not) be collected to form a book. Neil Gaiman and your correspondent agreed to press famous Rupert Metcalf to allow us to try and flog a "Best of KNAVE Fiction" anthology: watch this space. It was generally agreed, too, that an anthology of sex skiffy was needed, and everyone except Gwyneth Jones and Bruce Sterling agreed to contribute. Alex Stewart was elected editor but doesn't fucking well want unsolicited submissions. "I'll get piles," he confessed in an unguarded moment, "of masturbatory fantasies from all those teenage wankers who read ANSIBLE." The title of this editorial masterpiece currently wavers between the elegant SPUNG! and the catchy SAUCY SCIENCE WONDER STORIES. Who knows? Maybe some sucker of a publisher will buy the damn' thing. Chief of men? He is a chief of murderers. But I will piss upon his grave -- I and a thousand others. Chairman Colin Greenland -- Uncle Colin With His Merry Games for Boys and Girls -- led the evening sessions. Fifteen of us had heady fun while Mary Gentle had a cold. Games included: (a) Call My Bluff (hence "contabescent"); (b) a variation on Consequences introduced by Diana Wynne Jones, which led to unparallelled filthiness (rhyming couplets: "Ships that pass in the night/Are particularly hard on ducks"; "While we're all playing with silly rhymes/Dave and Mary are having a real good time [SPUNG]), and (c) a version of Call My Bluff in which the OXFORD DICTIONARY OF QUOTATIONS was used. In this last the "host" gave the name and dates of an epigrammatist and the flock had to supply possible quotes from same. Hence the pithy epigrams cited herein -- and hence a competition! The first person correctly to identify the authors of the quotes listed here will get a FREE copy of John Grant's exquisite SEX SECRETS OF ANCIENT ATLANTIS. The runner-up will get a signed one. You Too Can Be A Lucky Winner. 'Tis the good Lord's will that a rabbit goes well in a crust with onions. During the week, Rachel Pollack got the news that a new book of hers had been sold to Thorsons. Your correspondent heard that a new Langford/Grant collaboration had been taken by Grafton. Neil Gaiman sold a piece to TODAY on Fantasycon, which summed up a ten-minute interview with nubile pouting authoress Lisa Tuttle in a single quote: "Fantasycon is just like a great big party." Oh how pleased she was. Hast thou heard, my little boy/Of famous Humphrey Davy? He put the sodium in our salt/And argon in our gravy. Your correspondent and Paul Kincaid together won five games in a row of doubles pool on the last night, baffling all challengers. It was then agreed that they should play a singles game -- a Duel of the Giants. The following morning, Kincaid refused to remember who had won.... [PB] [Published authors wishing to join next year's literary fun (and not already on Milford's mailing list) should ingratiate themselves with the current Chair: Paul Kincaid, 114 Guildhall St, Folkestone, Kent, CT20 1ES.] EPISTOLARY FICTIONS IN THE GOTHIC OR POST-GOTHIC MODE GREG BEAR: "Ellen Datlow passed on your issue 46, containing a letter from Marise Morland-Chapman, who does not know me. I am very fond of Hal Clement, and of his work, but I don't remember reading a story by him called `Star, Bright' and I can't find it in reprint anthologies I have immediate access to. Where did it appear? (Harry's novel `Star Light' is not even close.) "`Tangents' is deliberately similar (because I love them dearly) to half the stories in the Clifton Fadiman math fantasy anthologies, in the second of which, THE MATHEMATICAL MAGPIE, there is a story by Mark Clifton called `Star, Bright' (1952). Is this the story, misremembered? I've re-read it, and other than touching on children and the fourth dimension, it bears no resemblance to `Tangents', certainly not in plot or treatment. Both stories have a passing similarity to Padgett's `Mimsy Were the Borogoves', even earlier. I have deliberately ripped off ideas in Rudy Rucker's THE FOURTH DIMENSION, but Rudy does not seem displeased; indeed, he's putting together a new anthology of math stories and is including `Tangents', although, as he says (I paraphrase), `Boy, you really did steal a lot from me, didn't you?' "In short, Ms.Morland-Chapman, when I steal from someone, I let them know about it, and my charm is such that they immediately offer to reprint me. "Thank you for the support for BLOOD MUSIC. I'm really a very sweet guy, and hate lawyers and legal complications; I will not sue Ms.Morland-Chapman. "By the way, by the time this letter sees print, I will be a father myself, and I will try to teach our child to see into the fourth dimension. Progress reports will follow. If my letters no longer carry stamps or postmarks...." [A letter from Marise M-C, which I have brilliantly lost, conveyed that the Clifton story was indeed the one. She is apologetic about this mistake, but not apparently about anything else. So it goes. DRL] BARRY BAYLEY: "I promised to send you a note about Doubleday's constipated attitude towards reversion.... In April 1985 I -- through my agent -- made a formal request to them for reversion of THE SOUL OF THE ROBOT, published in 1974 and long out of print, after Doubleday had turned down its sequel THE ROD OF LIGHT. They at first promised to revert or arrange to reissue within six months -- until someone looked at the contract and saw that Dumbo Bayley had allowed himself to get stuck with reversion `by mutual agreement' -- virtually not a reversion clause at all. Doubleday then began to shilly- shally and to plead the lengthiness and difficulty of the reversion process. To date -- a year and a half after request -- the successive efforts of two agencies have come to nought. If there are any other authors as dim as me (which I doubt) I urge them not to be lazy over this clause...." AHRVID ENGHOLM: "The Scandinavian SF Association (Sweden's BSFA) was mentioned in the Swedish daily AFTONBLADET (second biggest evening paper here, with 500,000 readers) in a 2-page article about space/UFO clubs. SF activity was described as just another kind of UFOlogy. Quote: different space organizations have hard ideological fights amongst each other. The SF people think the UFOlogists crazy when they see green men everywhere. The UFOlogists think SF is for dreamers -- while THEY do something practical and useful...." [Now you know.] MARCUS ROWLAND: "The Irish games mag FANTASY CHRONICLES has begun to pay contributors. The money is OK, though apparently all future payments will be in Irish punts.... Although it looks a bit naff at present, the editors seem fairly certain that they can make it to at least issue 8-10 (the next will be 4), and say they intend a lot of improvements, like a Brian Lumley special issue (yet another one). All of their fiction to date has been uniformly lousy.... By the way, Nick [Lowe, in A46] is wrong to say that it's only post-modernist authors who manifest the plot directly. One of the 1930s Saint stories (I forget which) has the hero saying something like `You can't kill us yet, this is only page 96 -- it would wreck everything if I got killed in the first story!'" [Marcus has been busy introducing himself (overtly) into a plot in the role of God, as prescribed by Nick. His enthusiasm was somewhat dimmed by the discovery of the same ploy in a Lin Carter epic: it is not always cheering to find one's imagination runs precisely parallel to Lin Carter's. For the Saint book, try THE HOLY TERROR, 1932. My favourite such line comes from the car chase in Edmund Crispin's 1946 THE MOVING TOYSHOP: "Let's go left... After all, Gollancz is publishing this book."] U.E: "Do any of your tens of thousands of readers know of any publisher who would be interested in a pornographic F/F gamebook (and no, the F/F does not stand for Fighting Fantasy but something more relevant)? Also (but more respectable this time) a publisher for an educational gamebook, about the dangers of drug abuse...." [Funny you should mention it: a filthy gamebook was one of several million ideas propounded by Langford and Barnett when trying to extract lucrative contracts from a kindly editor. This editor was not keen, since although the proposal was of course brilliant, hilarious, etc., he had his doubts about gamebooks in general: a bandwagon market, he opined, as with home computer books just a few years back, liable to fall apart under the sheer weight of new hopefuls leaping aboard. So much for my own experience: I flogged a short version to MAYFAIR and Paul did ditto to KNAVE, and there the matter rests in post- coital apathy.] C.O.A. HARRY ANDRUSCHAK, PO Box 1422, Arcadia, CA 91006, USA :: KEN BROWN, c/o 110 Chester Tce, Brighton, Sussex :: STEVE BULL, 1 Scotland Close, Chesterton, Cambridge, CB4 1QH :: ALLYN CADOGAN, c/o K.Mosgofian, 1320 E.Cotati Ave (216), Rohnert Park, CA 94928, USA :: MICHAEL COBLEY, 18 Athole Gdns, Hillhead, Glasgow, G12 :: JONATHAN COLECLOUGH, 29 Gordon House, Tarves Way, Greenwich, London, SE10 9QR :: MARK CRASKE, 14 Pembroke, Hanworth, Bracknell, Berks, RG12 4RD :: STEVE DAVIES, 18 Pell St, Reading, Berks, RG1 2NZ :: ALAN & ROCHELLE DOREY, 16 Ambleside Close, Walton-le-Dale, Preston, Lancs, PR5 4RS :: DAVE ELLIS, Mount Royal (Top Left Flat), 26a Chapelwell St, Saltcoats, Ayrshire, KA21 5EA :: MIKE HAMILTON, Flat E11, University College, Senghennydd House, Salisbury Road, Cardiff, CF1 1UJ :: JULIAN HEADLONG, 39 Jacobs Walk, Liden, Swindon, Wilts, SN3 6JA :: TERESA HEHIR, 1a Aylesham Way, Yately, Camberley, Surrey, GU17 7NR :: KEN JOSENHANS (also ANNE LAURIE LOGAN), PO Box 6610, East Lansing, MI 48823, USA :: LEIGH KENNEDY, 2 Alma Place, Marlborough, Wilts, SN8 1AF :: MIKE LEWIS, 5 Princes Ave, Muswell Hill, London, N10 3LS :: PAUL MASON, 11 Waller Rd, New Cross, London, SE14 5LE :: MIKE & DEBBY MOIR, No.2 Bungalow, Mill Lane, Ockham, nr Ripley, Surrey (supposedly temporary, but no update as yet) :: KIM NEWMAN, 3 Barnard Hill, London, N10 2HB :: VIC NORRIS, 4 Tiverton Close, Oadby Grange, Leicester :: EUNICE PEARSON & PHILL PROBERT, 20 Birch Tce, Birtley, Co.Durham, DH3 1TL ("We now have a lovely daughter," Eunice boasts. "Elizabeth Ivy Leah Probert was born on August 11.") :: DAI PRICE, 18 Cresta Ct, Hanger Lane, Ealing, London, W5 3DE :: NIGEL RICHARDSON, 91 Mexfield Rd, Putney, London, SW.15 :: BOB [fake] SHAW, 12 Longfield Place, Saltcoats, Ayrshire, KA21 6DE :: ASHLEY WATKINS & ANNE WILSON, 287 Hamlet Ct Rd, Westcliff-on-Sea, Essex, SS0 7DD :: ROB WELBOURN, 46 High St, Meldreth, Royston, Herts, SG8 6JU :: D.WEST (forgot this last time), 87 Bradford St, Keighley, W. Yorks, BD21 3ED :: KEVIN & SUE WILLIAMS, 42 Sturges Rd, Wokingham, Berkshire, RG11 2HE :: 13TH FRENCH NATIONAL SF CONVENTION (LILLE, 3-7 SEPT 86) IAN WATSON REPORTS: This was the best run French con for years, with the organizers pulling out all the stops of efficiency and hospitality, and even going without their own meals at times to labour harder -- missing out on meals is a pretty remarkable sacrifice in France! Already there's talk of Lille becoming the new Metz, now that the annual Metz festival has bitten the dust, assisted a bit by Ray Bradbury. Indeed the con was so efficient that the GoH speeches of Watson and Brunner were already printed, in French and English, and in the hands of the audiences. Fortunately most listeners hadn't had time to read them, so the speakers were able to orate afresh. Programme items included panels on French and British SF, book signings, exhibitions, prize givings, municipal champagne and lots of visits to restaurants, the most memorable of which involved sitting in the street eating bushels of mussels. (Tip: use one empty mussel as a chopstick- cum-scoop to empty all the others.) The con coincided with Lille's annual city-wide rummage sale called the Braderie, when anyone can sell anything tax free -- hundreds of streets for miles on end were choked with half of France and Belgium selling Land Rovers, antiques, African carvings, food, jewellery, clothes, books, paintings, junk, rubbish, broken china, old postcards.... Just a couple of miles from the old city (where the con happened) was the very strange "Site de l'Imaginaire", described as a sort of French Disneyland. Superficially it seemed to be a warehouse cum arts lab down a back lane, offering spatio-temporal voyages, which most visitors assumed would be a dadaist joke... until you started in, somewhere underground apparently, on an alien world very convincingly like the planet where "Alien" gets discovered. The alienness was very persuasive. If you're in Lille, go there: 12 Rue de Doceur Rouz, 59650 Villeneuve D'Ascq. I think you have to book a group tour. Another memorable moment was the convention's pet rat wandering up and down the restaurant tables, a charming and polite animal that would only take food when offered. Numerous wonderful French writers, illustrators and translators attended, and there was a presentation for what will be one of THE cons of next year: Comecon Montpellier 87 (28-31 May), held in the southern city of Montpellier, which has declared itself a city of the future and is thus supporting the con to the hilt. (Contact: "Science-Fictions", Comecon, 112 avenue de Toulouse, 34100 Montpellier, France.) Try it out -- and if Lille runs another con, head there too; Lille's close, and the Belgian (and northern French) beer is beautiful. One star of Lille was Kim Stanley Robinson, there from Switzerland with amiable Lisa Nowell (who's working for the Swiss Gov as a water pollution chemist for a couple of years, which is how Stan's in Switzerland). A radical-thinking American writer! Delightful chap too; only just being published in France, but at the rate he's picking up French and using it, he should soon be the American writer for the French. Sadly he had to miss out on the mussels to take part in a baseball game with local Swiss devotees.... [IW] SKIFFY PEOPLE LEIGH KENNEDY has just been mugged and robbed during a visit to Madrid, and rescued from dishwashing only by the heroic mercy dash of CHRIS PRIEST.... BRIAN STABLEFORD (engaged for some months to JANE, whose surname I have yet to catch) left Unicon in mild disorder, baffled by the apparent hostility of GoH TANITH LEE ("I've only reviewed her once and it was favourable").... DAVID BRIN, winner of the John W.Campbell Memorial Award for his THE POSTMAN, will be in Britain for a year and has already been winning hearts by explaining to politically naive British fans (like CHRIS PRIEST) just why we need lots and lots of US nuclear bases here.... IAN WATSON has been cited in the NEW SCIENTIST letter column, his THE GARDENS OF DELIGHT allegedly showing a better grasp of evolutionary theory than one recent NS article.... CHARLES PLATT, with permission, is writing the sequel to Piers Anthony's CHTHON and PHTHOR, called SPASM. Sorry -- PLASM. His enthusiasm for publicizing the latest Platt best-seller (HOW TO BE A HAPPY CAT, ill. Gray Jolliffe) includes volunteering to dress in a giant cat suit and guzzle Kattomeat if it'll help sell copies.... DAVID GARNETT is proud, or not, of writing "the Christmas sex story which is to appear in the next issue of MAYFAIR, with hero and heroine called Hugo and Nebula".... HARLAN ELLISON has married SUSAN TOTH, writes D.M.SHERWOOD (living in Swansea, he hears all this kind of thing).... VINCENT OMNIAVERITAS, visiting Britain to attend Milford under a transparent cyberpunk pseudonym, published one hit-and-run issue of his SF broadsheet CHEAP TRUTH: this features a guest polemic on the need for an "SF Writers of Great Britain" organization, written by an alleged Brit who thinks "critical mass" and "shrapnel" go nicely in the same metaphor. Investigation continues.... A North London mole writes: "Contrary to a report in LOCUS that he had been crushed by a filing cabinet, horror writer ROBERT FAULCON is still alive, kicking and working on the outline of a new occult series. All six NIGHT HUNTER books are being published in the US by Berkley in both trade and mass paperback. The sixth volume, THE LABYRINTH, will be published by Century Hutchinson in March 1987, together with a reissue in two volumes of the previous books. Faulcon is allowing the pseudonym `Robert Holdstock' to appear on this sixth and final volume. All six books are very popular in Norway, but with titles like ONDSKAPANS NATT, MORKETS FYRSTINNE and GRAVENS FORBANNELSE, this is hardly surprising." TED WHITE, as you may have heard, was busted some months ago for dealing in herbal substances. After a "farewell appearance" at the Worldcon (which brought some strange support from the woodwork, eg. Jerry Pournelle begging to know how he could help), Ted was sentenced to 30 years -- or rather, 3 concurrent 10-year stretches -- but with 9 of each suspended. He should in fact be out in January; meanwhile, the address is "Theodore White, A5, Fairfax County Adult Detention Center, 10520 Judicial Drive, Fairfax, VA 22030, USA". Personal letters are OK; no fanzines; no books unless mailed directly from the publisher. Patrick & Teresa Nielsen Hayden are acting as agents (as it were) for the White Letters From Prison, which may or may not become the fannish DE PROFUNDIS. The first begins with the most damning thing the prosecution found to say about him: "This man has a sixties mentality." R.I.P. MARJORIE BRUNNER died on 5 August aged 65, having been ill throughout the summer after a stroke in April. Fandom loses one of its more unforgettable characters. John Brunner plans to hold a commemorative "Marjorie's Last Birthday Party". ROB GREGG, a relatively new fan best known as an enthusiastic letter-writer, died on 29 September after a long illness. His sister asks you all to stop sending fanzines. Author ROBERT F.YOUNG (some of whose short stories helped hook me on less-than-hard SF) died on 22 June aged 71. [SFC] REX WARNER of THE AERODROME fame died on 24 June aged 81. And last issue I forgot to mention JORGE LUIS BORGES, the biggest shock about whose death at 86 was to learn from the obituaries that he never received a Nobel Prize. Good grief. One correction: the autopsy on ROG GILBERT finally decided on a heart attack as cause of death. CONDOM NOVACON 16: too late now for thrilling advance coverage, but I have a longish letter from Chairman Tony Berry (as well as dark intimations from Rog Peyton) concerning my frightful gaffe of recording in A46 what many fans were saying. Tony's chief point: it was essential, both as general policy and to placate a suspicious and paranoid hotel, to take a hard line RE "the tossers who did the damage and behaved like morons" at Novacon 15. Agreed. The trouble was that the uncompromising stuff ("In all these cases the committee will back the hotel.") was by an error of judgement extended to cover normal fannish naughtiness such as sneaking in bottles for a room party... hence the disaffected muttering. "I know full well that people will do the things mentioned above, and it's fine by me as long as they are DISCREET about it," noted Tony, a truly wonderful human being (see DRL cowed by Peytonian threats of overwhelming COFF victory) who unfortunately failed to convey this subtext in PR1. Hotels are traditionally soothed by an unobtrusive note about corkage and the like. It would have been wise to clearly separate such lesser matters from the Heavy Warning which WAS seriously meant. OK? "STAR WARS: SF DIMENSIONS" (North East London Poly Conf. Centre, 15 Nov): Duncan Lunan chairs an SF Foundation debate on SDI, with for-and-against arguments plus skiffy aspects. #10 att, inc. elevenses, lunch, tea. NELP, Longbridge Rd, Dagenham, Essex, RM8 2AS, more info Ellis Hillman on 01 590 7722 x4181. With D.Brin, F.Lyall, A.Nimmo, N.Turok, G.Webb. CONCEPTION (Queen's Hotel, Leeds, 13-15 Feb): still #6 to 12 Fearnville Tce, Oakwood, Leeds, LS8 3DU. CORFLU 4 (Cincinnati area, 3-5 April): Bill Bowers is running the latest of these popular US "cons for fanzine fans". Cheques, or checks, to him (not "Corflu"): $5.25 supp $25.25 att, 2468 Harrison Ave, Cincinnati, OH 45211, USA. BECCON '87 (Metropole/NEC, Birmingham, 17-21 April): FGoH (joint) Chris Atkinson & Malcolm Edwards. PR2 should be out by now. Hotel: #17.50/person double/twin, #18.50 single. #6 supp #11 att; 191 The Heights, Northolt, Middlesex, UB5 4BU. SOL III (Liverpool, 1-4 May, Trekthing): info from 39 Dersingham Ave, London, E12 5QF. CONNOTE8 aka Unicon 8 (New Hall, Cambridge, 3-5 July): GoH Geraldine Harris. #4 supp #8 att, to Connote8, Trinity College, Cambridge, CB2 1TQ. CONSPIRACY '87 (Brighton, 27 Aug-1 Sept, Worldcon) develops a longer guest-list every day: the latest is Ray Harryhausen, the Jerky Stop-Motion GoH. #10 supp #25 att to PO Box 43, Cambridge, CB1 3JJ. PR2 now out. CYMRUCON (Central Hotel, Cardiff, now Feb 1988) has been oscillating somewhat, reports D.M.Sherwood. "Hotel is asking for money up front (guess why) -- several alternatives have fallen through. It'll almost certainly have to have a new name as the cancelled 1985 one left debts, as in DEBTS, including an unknown number of advance memberships (the old chairman, NOT on the new committee, has misplaced the records. If people still have receipts for payment MAYBE something can be done as to membership in the new con...). Contact man is Tony McCarthy, 28 Claude Rd, Cardiff, tel Cardiff 493590." FOLLYCON '88 (Adelphi Hotel, Liverpool) is one bid for the 1988 UK Eastercon. #1 pre-supporting to 104 Pretoria Road, Patchway, Bristol, BS12 SP2. NORWESCON '88 (unspecified hotel, Manchester) is the other bid, from the Warrington Group. #2 (such is inflation) pre- supp to 22 Summerfield Drive, Middleton, Lancs, M24 2WW. ALBACON '88 (?Central Hotel, Glasgow, July) -- started as a Eurocon bid but is supposed to be going ahead (info: 105 Craigton Rd, Govan, Glasgow, G51 3RQ), though Eurocon turned out to be: EUROCON '88 (Budapest, date uncertain): info Hungarian SF Soc, PO Box 514, H-1374 Budapest 5, Hungary. The selection is apparently a bit controversial, thanks to disastrous communications within the European SF Society (see SHARDS OF BABEL, which also notes that Poland is after Eurocon 1990): for a start, after '86 in Zagreb, Eurocon should theoretically be rotating to the west.... NOLACON II (New Orleans, 1-5 September 1988, Worldcon): GoH Donald Wollheim, FGoH Roger (who he?) Simms, Toaster Mike Resnick. $30 supp $35 att to PO Box 8010, New Orleans, Louisiana 70192, USA. NOREASCON III (Sheraton-Boston Hotel, 31 Aug-4 Sept 1989, Worldcon), GoH to follow. $20 supp $40 att to PO Box 46, MIT Branch Office, Cambridge, MA 02139, USA. HOLLAND IN 1990 (The Hague, Worldcon bid): ANSIBLE is still keen on this, having been thoroughly intimidated by the clever clogs of Larry van der Putte. #3.50/$5 pre-supp; Postbus 95370, 2509 CJ The Hague, Netherlands. FOOTNOTE FOR THE CONFUSED: "Supp" means supporting (you get the literature only) and "att" attending membership (you can go to the con too). Cheques should be made out to the boldfaced con name (Cymrucon might be an exception: check first). "GoH" stands for Generator of Hackwork, and the F in "FGoH" is for "Failed". OK? WOOSTERGRAM THOMAS DISCH has been in the news quite a bit lately. Not only did he reveal to the WASHINGTON POST that the model for "The Brave Little Toaster" WAS IN FACT the toaster in his apartment, but he granted a fifty-page interview to LAST WAVE in which he cast vile accusations at the works of Jack L. Chalker. Disch charged that Chalker's books were designed to corrupt children: "he writes books that are sort of training grounds for nine and ten year olds to move on to Gor novels. They're preliminary S&M fantasies. You go on from reading Jack Chalker to being more thoroughly corrupted by a John Norman and THEN go on to rape children." Disch did not give specific examples. ARTHUR C.CLARKE unravelled his mind in the pages of PLAYBOY, and quite a mind it was. He revealed that the monolith of 2001/2010 was nothing more than a plot coupon: "I like to think of the monolith as a sort of cosmic Swiss army knife -- it does whatever it WANTS to do." Clarke sidestepped disgusting charges about his sexual preferences, except to note that, in his eyes, both IMPERIAL EARTH and RENDEZVOUS WITH RAMA were homosexually-oriented novels, and that he has a "relaxed sympathetic attitude" towards bisexuality. "I'm not just a private citizen any more," Clarke said. "I have to keep certain standards, or at least pretend to, so that I don't shock too many people." PETER DICKINSON became the first British fantasist ever to become the hero of an American cartoon when his THE FLIGHT OF DRAGONS was adapted by the same crew that had previously turned Tolkien into cartoon fodder. The film was so bad that it was shown three years after it was made, but there was a perverse thrill in hearing James Earl Jones, who played the villain, saying "Peter Dickinson! That contemptible fool!" in his best Darth Vader tones. (Dickinson was played by John Ritter. The show also featured characters from Gordon Dickson's THE DRAGON AND THE GEORGE.) [Martin Morse Wooster] ALL THE NEWS YOU'VE READ ELSEWHERE After 46 issues there are still people who expect ANSIBLE to contain news, however boring, familiar or outdated, and we must try to indulge their pathetic delusion. Thus: HUGOS: NOVEL ENDER'S GAME (Card), NOVELLA "24 Views of Mt Guji, by Hokusai" (Zelazny), NOVELETTE "Paladin of the Lost Hour" (Ellison), SHORT "Fermi and Frost" (Pohl), NONFICTION SCIENCE MADE STUPID (Weller), DRAMATIC BACK TO THE FUTURE (but much applause for BRAZIL), PRO EDITOR Judy-Lynn del Rey (refused on her behalf by Lester del Rey, via a letter whose gist was that she was not keen on awards given chiefly for having died, and wouldn't have fancied this belated accolade, seeing the voters had never thought her worthy when alive. In the audience, a deeply impressed Greg Pickersgill cried "Fucking integrity!" -- this remark bowdlerized in certain reports...), PRO ARTIST Michael Whelan (who withdrew from the 1987 Hugo race but not others to follow), FAN ARTIST Joan Hanke-Woods, SEMIPROZINE LOCUS, FANZINE LAN'S LANTERN (interesting statistic: "No Award" dominated the first count, only to fall back during the Australian-ballot elimination system and wind up in second place), FANWRITER Mike Glyer, JOHN W CAMPBELL AWARD (not a Hugo) Melissa Scott. AUSTRALIAN SF REVIEW has risen from its grave and is now published bimonthly: solid SF criticism in the heavyish FOUNDATION mode, leavened with a bit more fun: "The Long Words objectors are just blatantly lengthist. ASFR defies them, rejecting their prejudice. Where a long word works better than a short one, nobody scares us out of using it." #5 for six issues, to sesquipedalian UK agent Joseph Nicholas, 22 Denbigh St, Pimlico, London, SW1V 2ER. WORLD FANTASY AWARDS will have been presented by the time most of you see this, so I'll merely mention the nominations for best novel: THE DAMNATION GAME (Barker), ILLYWHACKER (Carey), THE DREAM YEARS (Goldstein), WINTERKING (Hazel), THE VAMPIRE LESTAT (Rice), SONG OF KALI (Simmons). Brits will be chauvinistically pleased that Peter Dickinson's "Flight" is nominated in the Novella category, and both Clive Barker and Angela Carter under "Collection/Anthology". EDUARD MARKOV is a Soviet SF author and fan who wants to move to the West but since 1979 has been denied permission on trivial grounds. He's asked for help, and the flyer going the rounds suggests that you write (urging the USSR to relent) to Leonid Zamyatin, Ambassador, Soviet Embassy, 18 Kensington Palace Gardens, London, W.8. For the flyer with further suggestions, contact Dov Rigal, 68 Eden Rd, London, E17 9JY. BRITISH FANTASY AWARDS presented at Fantasycon XI went to: NOVEL THE CEREMONIES (Klein) -- couldn't finish it, myself; SHORT "The Forbidden" (Barker), SMALL PRESS FANTASY TALES, FILM A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET, ARTIST J.K.Potter. LES FLOOD has retired and passed the reins of the mighty Carnell Literary Agency to PAMELA BUCKMASTER: the retirement occasioned a special Fantasycon award and a presentation at the SF Supper Club. TRANSATLANTIC CULTURAL BARRIERS! Dennis Virzi published an "Open Letter to British Fandom" in TEXAS SF INQUIRER, begging to be told more about the grim alien land ("Are you Britfen as murky, downbeat and gloomy as your SF?") he means to visit next year. Some people got quite excited about his queries, and Kate Solomon (a disciple of Gerard "Try the famous echo in the British Museum Reading Room!" Hoffnung) wrote a long "Open Reply". Space and concern for international detente forbid full transcription, but here's the Solomonic response to Dennis's worried query "FEMMEFANS. What's the scoop? ...Will there be enough to go around?" "Judging by the lingo, old chap, this is one you should address to the frogs. But if you're interested in meeting (etc.) BRITISH ladies, try to remember that your formidable knowledge of meeting (etc.) American women may not guarantee such good fortune with us British Memsahibs, despite our boundless admiration for you Stallone-like American hunks. No need to worry about supplies, though; there are certainly `enough to go round': indeed, every machofan in this country possesses several `Memsahibfen', so if you ask him nicely he might lend or sell one of us to you for the night. However, if you're serious about extending your conquests to this side of the Atlantic, you must study and understand certain cultural differences between your American women and ourselves, before attempting seduction. Most importantly, you must realize that namby-pamby radical feminism hasn't yet achieved the strangehold on British ladies that it has on your own American harpies. So yes, Mr Virzi, you ARE expected to pay for meals. Also drinks, taxis, tips and entrance fees for any sightseeing you may do together. [...] Many British ladies have a soft spot for you hunky Texan Rambos, so provided you can prove yourself to be truly masculine, you should have no problems. Most of us female fans, however, are lesbians (NOT `gay' -- British ladies never adopt such uncouth labels), so you should be discreet before attempting any kind of advance. It's understood that British Memsahibfen who are so inclined wear spectacles, so direct your flowers and chocolates at those of us who don't. For an easy mnemonic, remember that `Boys Don't Make Passes at Girls Who Wear Glasses', and you should get on beautifully." [Kate Solomon] Mr Virzi (last seen poised to marry TSFE editor Pat Mueller) is reported to have withdrawn this particular query. INFINITELY IMPROBABLE PAST CONS: I dimly remember KOANCON over August Bank Holiday, a games event which successfully tried to shift from the "Compulsory D&D Tournament" approach to something more relaxed, not to say newted: to increase the soddenness there were GoH talks from Pete Tamlyn and, inexplicably, me. Hadn't realized my SF column in WHITE DWARF made me a Representative Of The Industry... like being Maggie Thatcher's rep at a CND rally. The fannish RUBICON overlapped, but we arrived in time to try not to hear resurrected fan Ken Potter bellowing about astrology, while fastidious Julian Headlong (suave founder of Club Class Fandom) spoke tremulously of sharing a room with D.M. Sherwood ("I could cope with finding Ken Potter and bits of corned beef on the floor, and even the cold baked beans in the bath; but when I found beans in the toothglass I had to vomit...."). SHEEPCON, already alluded to, had as its high spot a Welsh Banquet in a historical cottage up a blasted mountainside. Climbing the granite-strewn grass-track from Ffestiniog, Katie Hoare was momentarily less proud of her open-topped car, thanks to thickening twilight and torrential rain: in the car ahead, Martin kept having to get out and open gates, leading to outbursts of wifely compassion ("God, I'm so glad he's getting wet too!"). Our wine-soaked return was more exhilarating, with sheep clogging the track and being dislodged only by stentorian cries of "Mint sauce!" SPINAL MANIPULATIONS: I've been idly staring at the spines of Gollancz's eight "Classic SF" reissues. Each has a tasteful logo comprising the quoted phrase in a triangle... but one logo is extra-large, coincidentally adorning the only British selection to date (Clarke's THE CITY AND THE STARS). Can we theorize that American authors get smaller logos? Well, one logo is EXTRA-small -- on WOLFBANE, the only choice which has TWO American authors.... LANGUAGE LESSONS: Malcolm Hodkin rushes to relieve the shortage with "another precision-turned, durable and cost- effective word from the Germans (guaranteed for five years against rust, Americanisms, misspelling and body odour): "ANSATZ, m. ear, lug, projection (anode), deposit, incrustation, sediment, attachment, added piece, shoulder, insertion, ingredient, mixture, scaffold (of a blast furnace), recess, mouthpiece, start, formula, expression, formulation, statement, charge, obstruction, extension, prolongation, tail, run (in series of parallel experiments), side arm or appendage (of a bulb or tube), adapter (phot.), relation, loss, nipple, setting into action, sending into battle, estimate, evaluation, rate, price, quotation, wing, root, bulge, sortie, assumption, disposition, arrangement, article, method...." [enough!] NIGEL FRITH, REANIMATOR! Unwin author Frith got a letter into the LITERARY REVIEW, making "a claim which might be investigated by your critical or followed by your authorial readers." It concerns his epic fantasies: "obviously the work of more than a decade of research and experiment. They have been completed in isolation from the modern literary world, and I am aware that they reverse the processes of 19th and 20th century artistic fashions.... I have re-established the Homeric epic as a living form... a new way for literature to develop has consequently been opened." Don't all rush, now. NOVACON TRENDS: Steve Green notes that Novacon 15's chair (Phill Probert) resigned during the convention, N16's first chair (Martin Tudor) resigned after the formation of the committee, and N17's putative chair (Maureen Porter) has outdone them both by resigning BEFORE the committee was finalized. Anyone wishing to carry it further by resigning in advance from the Novacon 18 chair should write to the Bureau of Useless Statistics, Birmingham.... SMALL PRESS CUTTINGS: Kerosina have come out with SHADES OF DARKNESS, a ghostly 144pp novel by Richard Cowper (and winner of a coveted Malcolm Edwards Rejection Note from RC's usual publisher): #10.95 hardback from Plovers Barrow, School Road, Nomansland, Salisbury, Wilts, SP5 2BY. A Keith Roberts novel, GRAINNE, follows next Easter.... In Sweden, LFP (Laissez Faire Press) offer FANDOM HARVEST, a 191pp hardback collection of Terry Carr's fanwriting -- enjoyable stuff despite the misprints, well produced and illustrated (by Grant Canfield). To get hold of it, send $16, plus say $2 postage, to John-Henri Holmberg at LFP, Rasundvagen 129, 171 30 Solna, Sweden. (My pleas for a sterling price were in vain.) FAN FUNDS: The GUFF race (bring an Australian to Conspiracy) is in full thing: Valma Brown, Irwin Hirsh and Jean Weber are the candidates, and fans at this end of the world should rush their ballots and #1 voting fees to Eve Harvey, 43 Harrow Road, Carshalton, Surrey, SM5 3QH, by 31 January. ANSIBLE is divided: the Hazel's Language Lessons Dept supports Valma, doubtless hoping for samples of authentic Strine, while the Subscription/Mailing Dept cannot but respond to Irwin's heartfelt plea ("Support me or I lose all the Aussie copies."). Meanwhile Tim Jones of New Zealand offers himself as a write-in candidate.... DUFF is also back on the road, with candidates Lucy Huntzinger, Kathy Sanders, Laurraine Tutihasi and Tom Whitmore contending for the trip from America to Australia next year. There's no UK administrator: the closest are Marty & Robbie Cantor, 11565 Archwood, N.Hollywood, CA 91606, USA. $2 voting fee, 31 Dec deadline.... SEFF wants nominations for the lucky Swede to be brought to Conspiracy next year -- administrators are Jim Barker and 1986 winner Maths Claesson (c/o Bjorck, Saltmatarg 14, 113 59 Stockholm, Sweden).... COFF, the Concrete Overcoat Fan Fund, will cease at Novacon 16 after its final sense- shattering presentation: "The fix is in!" said an unnamed administrator with many a significant nudge and wink.... TAFF has gained a further candidate, Bob Lichtman: ballots should be out soon, and voting will continue until 14 March. More in our next. PUZZLE CORNER. Which VECTOR editor slagged a "Witch World" book thus in 1974: "I never get on with ANY of [Andre] Norton's books, which I find turgid in the extreme"? Which Gollancz editor is launching a new paperback imprint beginning with THREE Andre Norton epics, two of them from the "Witch World" series? Could they be related? THE MORAL: So much (last para) for your typical ANSIBLE twitting. It does not follow that the apparent contradiction (in fact one needn't LIKE a book to think it a sound investment) brands Malcolm as a wicked hypocrite. He might even have changed his mind. Nevertheless there is a pissy school of fannish thought which favoured us with a great deal of such logic in 1984-5, and is now at it again. (It was no good my asking to be removed from Puerto Rican mailing lists -- the crap still comes, via Cincinnati.) Maybe the new target, Greg Pickersgill, is indeed a despicable exemplar of hypocrisy, criticizing TAFF in 1981 and winning it in 1986. It depends whether you accept the hypothesis, so useful when scoring cheap debating points, that there can never be any non-reprehensible reason for changing your mind. BARYCZ MEDIATES AGAIN: "My imaginary polish-viking grandmother once told me there were three trades it was very hard to go bust in: they were midwifery, cookery and undertaking. A few years ago she added a fourth: having producer's gross points in STARS WARS. Gary Kurtz had them and has now ended up with assets of #100 and liabilities of #3.3M. The reasons are simple enough -- a Californian divorce which involved him paying off his wife's debts, a small matter of $5M from her publishing company; she screwed him for what was left and he made DARK CRYSTAL and RETURN TO OZ, neither of which set fire to cinema screens around the world. An impulse to set up something on the lines of Kurtz Aid comes now and then.... "A suspicion that Ballard's EMPIRE OF THE SUN has been thrown into the Hollywood equivalent of a black hole, VIZ it is talked of as a Steven Spielberg project. Since Stevie, if one believes all the stories, is booked dead solid to 2870 AD with other projects, is this a polite way of saying the film is not likely to be made at all? Ho hum. "The ubiquitous Empire Films are busy with something called ROBOJOX, script by Joe Haldeman, all about these huge robotic war machines that can transform to fight on land, in air, on and in the sea etc., fighting nations' wars by proxy. Espionage and romance also to be thrown in and Kenner Toys to do the merchandising with yet another bleeding line of transforming robots...." [RIB] LICENCE TO PRINT... LA-CON/SCIFI has donated $2000 to buy a photocopier for Vince Clarke's UK fanzine library project! GREAT MOMENTS IN HARD SF (or, The R.L.Fanthorpe Plot Device Is Not Dead). Context: a slothful doomsday weapon must fire away for 150 YEARS to make Earth uninhabitable. Now read on, as one astute villain sees a potential difficulty: "`...What if you turn on the W-particle flow and then someone else turns it down in the course of the next fifteen decades?' "`Not possible, sir. Once the device is set, an internal atomic shift will freeze it in that position. After that, the process is irreversible....'" [I.Asimov, ROBOTS AND EMPIRE] HAZEL'S LANGUAGE LESSONS: ADVANCED WELSH tacsi public conveyance bws larger public conveyance cwrs golff place of recreation clwb snwcer smaller place of recreation ANSIBLE 47: 94 London Road, Reading, UK, RG1 5AU [Ends] ANSIBLE 48, 1987: PLEASE NOTE that this old ANSIBLE is a bit of history. Addresses may have changed (though the editor's hasn't), prices and agents' credits are invalid, etc. Dave Langford, ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk, 1993. ============================================================= ANSIBLE 48 FEBRUARY 1987 ISSN 0265-9816 Reasons For Publishing Your Belated Fanzine, No.48 (collect the set!): Greg Pickersgill tactfully intimates that sending out TAFF ballots before the deadline is on the whole less trouble than having broken bottles ground into your kidneys. Craven DAVE LANGFORD, cowering as ever at 94 LONDON ROAD, READING, BERKSHIRE, RG1 5AU, UK, has decided not to argue. Indecision about life after issue 50 still prevails: you take your solvency in your hands if you send #2 and hope for 5 issues (pro-rata for fewer). Cheques/money orders to ANSIBLE, Girobank transfer to account 24 475 4403. Or $3.50 to US agents Mary & Bill Burns (23 Kensington Court, Hempstead, NY 11550); or $4A to Aussie agent Irwin (Famous GUFF Winner) Hirsh, 2/416 Dandenong Rd, North Caulfield, Vic 3161. Phone: Reading (0734) 665804 and shout. Art: Dan Steffan (without), Alexis Gilliland (within). Print run 600. Bloody hell. ============================================================= ### LONDON FANDOM MEETS ITS WATERLOO ### The inertia of fandom is a strange and wondrous thing. For years, on the first Thursday of each month, fannish pilgrims have travelled from the remote boundaries of known space to their ritual London meeting-place the One Tun pub... there to spend an merry social evening complaining about the bloody awful crowd and the emetic beer, in terms suggesting that by comparison the Black Hole of Calcutta was an oasis of airy tranquillity. A select few pros (screened for ideological correctness by Malcolm Edwards) withdrew to the nearby Sir Christopher Hatton. A select many simply stayed home rather than face the Tun. This steady decline was arrested by the decisive action of no less a 100% macho man than the One Tun's manager, who in January blew his top at scenes of sick depravity (reportedly, Oscar Dalgleish with an arm round his boyfriend) and banned the offenders. Suddenly it was solidarity time; outraged petitions were circulated; and February's meeting was definitely rescheduled for the Cittie of York in Holborn. Or the Wellington near Waterloo, depending whose definite information you listened to. If I'd known it was that easy to trigger the long-overdue move, I'd have kissed Greg Pickersgill years ago. The February Tun (as people kept calling it, followed by "YOU know what I mean.") was thus a bit scattered. The Wellington sounded most promising, but I made the mistake of following detailed route directions from Avedon Carol: "Right opposite Waterloo station." In the darkness of a winter evening it's remarkable how many hundreds of square miles of London turn out to be opposite Waterloo.... Situation reports and fans trickled into the vastness of the Wellington. The Cittie of York contingent was suffering severe and familiar overcrowding. Hitch-Hiker fandom had apparently cried with one voice "Good riddance," and adopted the Tun for its own. A few stakhanovites like Martin Easterbrook touched base at all three locations, spreading pro-Wellington propaganda with a will. Your editor had already allowed himself to be swayed, as it were, by the beer -- not to mention the luxury of being able to breathe in without a prior written request to surrounding fans. Everyone seemed happy: the Wellington it is, henceforth. (From the Tube, aim for the WATERLOO ROAD station exit, following OLD VIC signs. Verb. sap.) This has been a Public Service Announcement, couched in Lofty Moral Tones. Pass it on. ### ME AND H.G.WELLS AND THE CONTINUUM ### [Novacon 16 Speech: Chris Evans] You may not know this, but I'm here as a stand-in for H.G. Wells. Originally the Novacon committee wanted him to be their Guest of Honour: you can imagine what a coup it would have been. But someone pointed out that he doesn't like travelling these days, in common with a few other well-known SF writers. Isaac Asimov hates planes, Ray Bradbury has a habit of missing boats, and Robert Heinlein, so I'm told, once demanded that his fare to the UK be paid in pints of blood. Wells has none of these particular problems, but he's had a long career and his old bones are a bit stiff these days. So, reluctantly, the invitation was never made, and you're stuck with me instead. Actually Wells and I have a lot in common as writers. Neither of us has ever won a Hugo or Nebula (or even been nominated for one), we're not members of SFWA, we don't subscribe to LOCUS, and Harlan Ellison hasn't waxed eloquent about us in any of his DANGEROUS VISIONS anthologies. Like me, Wells hasn't (as far as I know) ever visited Mongolia or met L.Ron Hubbard. Certainly neither of us has read BATTLEFIELD EARTH. On the more positive side, if Wells is a household name, then so am I -- the household in my case being Flat 2, 191 Anerley Road, Penge. Of course there are differences between us, I have to admit. Wells was a genius in his way, and became internationally known, his books read by millions. I, by contrast, am not a genius in any way I can think of -- and believe me, I've tried -- while my books are known only to a few. You wouldn't call them a select few, either, if you knew them as well as I do. I'd guess that a lot of you here have never read a word of my stuff: and fair enough. There are lots of other books jostling for your attention, and the three novels I've published under my own name since 1980 have hardly been huge successes. The first, CAPELLA'S GOLDEN EYES, was greeted politely enough by reviewers, and the word "promising", while not actually being bandied about, certainly hung in the air... as it almost always does with first novels. The reception was sufficiently favourable to convince me that I'd done the right thing in giving up my job to write full-time. If only I'd known. In those days I was a particularly slow and painstaking writer. I'd begun a new novel by the time CAPELLA appeared, but it was taking time to write and my money was rapidly running out. With the aid of a generous sponsor, I managed to get an Arts Council grant which let me finish the book at my own luxurious pace. This was THE INSIDER, which actually got some good reviews when it appeared in hardback in 1981. But a year or so later the paperback was pulped soon after publication, thanks to a warehouse move. (Though I've always had a sneaking suspicion that Rog Peyton bombarded the publishers with hate-mail about the book's lousy cover so that they withdrew it out of shame.) By then I was again embarked on a new novel, and again running out of money, and this time there was no grant to bail me out. My third novel, IN LIMBO, took three years to write, mainly because I had to keep breaking off to do other, more commercial stuff -- things like novelizations -- in order to pay the bills. My idealistic vision of bursting on the scene in a blaze of glory had faded in the face of harsh economic facts. IN LIMBO would have been a better novel if I'd been able to write it in a shorter, more concentrated period, but even so I poured everything I had into the book, and it's me doing my best. When it appeared as a paperback original in 1985, the title proved prophetic. It promptly vanished, after a total of two reviews in the non-specialist press. (One, a short paragraph in the DUBLIN SUNDAY INDEPENDENT, was little more than a plot pre'cis. A slightly longer and more condescending piece in the YORKSHIRE ARTS BULLETIN concluded that my last few pages "contain a foreseeably eidotropic denouement". I still haven't got a clue what this means.) So much for three years' work... or that's the way I felt. Don't get me wrong: I'm not bitter about any of this. Well, not exactly. IN LIMBO wasn't written as a commercial book, and the audience for it was bound to be small. But there's a certain sense of anticlimax in seeing three years' work greeted by almost total lack of response. Some writers can get by without feedback; their faith in their abilities needs no support. Not me. I need to know whether my stuff is registering in any way. (I'm even prepared to accept minor criticisms, provided they're served up with lavish dollops of praise.) Of course the books survive, for readers interested in seeking them out: but how many will be, when they don't even know of their existence? Back in 1980, things looked rosier. I had vague plans of doing a novel every couple of years and writing short stories in between. I would concentrate on high quality work, in hope of building up a loyal readership. I didn't want fame, just a fair measure of acknowledgement for my efforts, and enough money for survival.... Instead, since finishing IN LIMBO in 1983 I haven't written anything I would regard as ambitious work (bar a few shorts). I simply can't afford to. Thus I'm in a state of quiet despair about my work -- the work I'm not doing. Formula novels and novelizations pay the bills but don't satisfy the soul. You could argue that if I was really devoted to High Art, I'd sacrifice everything in pursuit of it; and you could be right. But I've always worked best when I've had emotional and financial peace of mind, and I know plenty of other writers who feel the same. Recently someone was talking about a "Missing Generation" of British SF writers: a kind of post-New Wave generation who should have emerged in the late 70s and early 80s. In a sense this actually existed, and I was a typical example -- at least in that I exemplify What Went Wrong with the whole generation. (I don't in fact believe in any of this generation stuff, but let's use the label for now.) Around 1980 a few people talked about a "Faber Group", meaning Rob Holdstock, Garry Kilworth and myself - - all of whom published first SF novels with Faber circa 1976- 1980 -- and of course Chris Priest, who was presumably our mentor, being already established at Faber with a solid reputation. Now this idea of groups is topical in the light of the current notion of "cyberpunk", which writers like Bruce Sterling and magazines like INTERZONE are doing their best to promote. The Faber Group theory -- a much more modest affair -- wasn't unreasonable in principle. Besides the dubious distinction of being published in what was then the only prestige hardback SF line apart from Gollancz, Chris, Rob, Garry and myself were all close friends who shared similar feelings about writing. Three of us even had the same literary agents. But we reacted to the Faber Group idea with cringing horror. None of us wanted to be lumped into any sort of group, because this implies a shared identity; and each of us was very jealous of the individuality of his writing. Happily the notion never caught on -- partly thanks to Faber, who soon stopped publishing SF so that we went our separate ways: Chris to Jonathan Cape, Rob and Garry to Gollancz, and myself relegated to the sloughs of original paperbacks. Equally important was the fact that we did absolutely nothing to encourage the idea of such a group. And in the end it's always a writer's work which speaks louder than critical generalizations: Chris Priest went on to novels like THE AFFIRMATION and THE GLAMOUR, which owe very little to genre SF. Rob Holdstock discovered his perfect imaginative vehicle in a distinctive brand of fantasy typified by MYTHAGO WOOD. Garry Kilworth has been moving steadily away from SF, his latest novel WITCHWATER COUNTRY being a kind of pastoral with macabre overtones. And me? If CAPELLA was a fairly conventional SF novel, THE INSIDER was borderline, and IN LIMBO not SF at all. So there's a sense in which all four of us have "deserted" SF -- if you perceive SF as something whose traditions new writers should be committed to and should cherish and enlarge through their own work. I can't speak for the others, but my move away from SF came about partly because of technical problems encountered in writing CAPELLA'S GOLDEN EYES, and more importantly because SF in the early 80s seemed increasingly bland and complacent -- in addition to its perennial problem that so little of it is truly adult. Every time I came up with an SF idea, it struck me as either ridiculous or impossible to do justice to in a fresh, exciting way. I felt as stale as the stuff I was reading... and envied Wells the fact that when writing his scientific romances he'd never read AMAZING or ASIMOV'S or any of the endless streams of SF pouring from British and American presses over the last thirty years. I kept trying to clear my head of all the genre clutter in the hope of finding a completely fresh approach. However, I don't have any aptitude for "new ideas" in the science-fictional sense, and not surprisingly I failed in my aim. The result was silence. Elsewhere I've argued against thinking in categories and seeing SF as separate from the rest of literature, so these attitudes might seem strange. Why try to work in a tradition that you don't really feel exists? Well, one of the attractions of the field is that it encourages a community spirit, very alluring to the isolated writer trying to plough his lonely furrow in the field of literature. And the fiction itself presents a constant challenge to the ambitious writer precisely because so much of it is badly done. Thus I've been veering back towards SF just lately, though I'm not promising anything radical or dynamic, and certainly nothing that's meant to represent a rallying call for the field. Perish the thought. I'm all for diversity, for individuals writing about what obsesses them. My only provisos are vague and woolly ones about being serious and dedicated and not short-changing readers... though like many hard-pressed freelancers I haven't always lived up to these aims. Being serious, by the way, doesn't mean you can't have fun, and being dedicated doesn't mean you can't be entertaining: they simply mean that the fun and entertainment will be of a higher order. Such wishy-washy liberal attitudes are in stark contrast to so-called cyberpunk, whose writers (to judge by public pronouncements) are keen to promote themselves as a new breed, devoted to producing a new breed of SF, AND DOING SO WITH A SHARED IDEOLOGY. To my mind, this is suspect. Of course the idea of a new movement suits the spirit of the times; it's a good talking point; a good polemic always provides useful publicity; and for INTERZONE it's seemingly the radical cause which the magazine has been seeking ever since it started publication. Does cyberpunk actually exist, however? The idea finds its most fluent and persuasive advocate in Bruce Sterling, who under his own name and that of Vincent Omniaveritas has produced some stimulating critiques of the genre and what needs to be done about it. He has a prospectus for modern SF, which he wishes to be carried out not only by himself but by others who are like-minded. He doesn't call it cyberpunk in public, though he has been known to mention the word in private. He talks of SF as pop culture, and of the need to create a native literature of the post-industrial society: technologically literate, global in its world-view, and (while well-written) above all about ideas. Actually I think most of his notions are sound, though somewhat narrow. I've never been able to agree with critics who argue that only SF can deal with the modern epoch, or even that it has a monopoly on sense of wonder. This smacks of inverted snobbery -- wanting to turn the ugly duckling of literature into a swan which can look down its beak at everything else. ALL really good writing fires the imagination, and you don't have to have SF trappings in a novel or story to show the impact of modern technology on humankind. The best novel I've read in the last six months is Martin Amis's MONEY, a determinedly unpleasant book which directly addresses the modern condition in the Western world -- though probably not in a way that SF snobs would like. But let's not quibble. At least Sterling/Omniaveritas is stirring things up: SF has been needing a good kick in the pants for years. Yet if the cyberpunks are taking over in the USA, we seem to be lagging behind here. When Sterling recently visited Britain and attended the yearly Milford writers' conference, I gather he expressed some disappointment at the lack of exciting new British SF. Where were our cyberpunks? Nowhere to be found. Unfortunately there's really no such thing as cyberpunk in the US either, if what's meant is a concerted movement of writers working along the same radical lines. When Omniaveritas describes the new SF he wants to see, it's unsurprising to find him wanting precisely the kind of SF that Bruce Sterling writes. Writers' polemics, as Chris Priest has pointed out, are almost always autobiographical. Three names commonly mentioned as cyberpunks are Rudy Rucker, William Gibson and Sterling himself. Rucker's been around since 1978 and has proved himself a very inventive writer though slapdash and throwaway in presentation. Gibson made a big impact with NEUROMANCER, it's true, and he's the writer most people think of when cyberpunk is mentioned. Sterling published his first novel in 1977, and his latest, SCHISMATRIX, has been well received. But if you compare two novels like NEUROMANCER and SCHISMATRIX you'll find they couldn't be more different. The first is an SF thriller, heavily influenced by the cinema; the second owes more to the visionary impetus and traditional narrative style of Arthur C.Clarke and even Olaf Stapledon. Where Gibson is deft and punchy, brilliant at bringing individual scenes alive, Sterling shows less stylistic flair but is far more radical in his ideas. NEUROMANCER is all about glittering surfaces, SCHISMATRIX about awesome depths. (In fact Gibson's work, with its hi-tech gadgetry/jargon and its near future redolent of entropy and drug abuse, strikes me as rather like the old New Wave with brass knobs on.) But now I'm being bitchy, and I don't mean to be, because I think both writers are talented: their reputations deserve to grow. The point is that marshalling them under one banner is misleading. I also think it significant that Gibson, the most prominent "cyberpunk", is said to be unhappy with the term, even if content to let it be used as a flag of convenience. John Shirley is another writer who's been attached to the "group", and in a recent INTERZONE interview we discover that "Shirley is most often associated with cyberpunk or punk SF, terms he initially despised, but has now come to accept". This smacks to me of a bandwagon. "Hey, did you hear people have started calling us cyberpunks? I don't know what the hell it means, but it sounds good, so let's go along with it for the ride." And as a label, it's undoubtedly better than something like the Angry Young Science Fiction Men. So again, let's not quibble. At least all these writers are passionately committed to SF; they identify themselves with it and are eager to see a new breed of it emerging. So why isn't the revolution also stirring here in Britain? Put simply, I think it's because we have a fundamentally different attitude towards SF. It's always been more marginal here, at least in a genre sense, with writers tending to work much more as individuals and not generally feeling as if they're adding to some distinct corpus of literature with a real social position. They remain resistant to SF's community spirit, some of them writing it almost by accident and not seeing it as a special kind of literature at all. Such writers convey a strong flavour of their native country and attitudes. Richard Cowper, D.G.Compton, Keith Roberts and Chris Priest are among those who are happier closer to home. Their work is often firmly rooted in British landscapes, in internal rather than external experience, the tone meditative and restrained rather than brash and action- oriented. Almost they seem to be fastidiously declaring their uninterest in competing with the scale and swagger of American SF. Of course there are exceptions aplenty. Some British writers make an effort to satisfy genre expectations (and the need to earn a living) by angling their material towards the American market. One could mention Bob Shaw and John Brunner here. Others, like Eric Frank Russell, became more American than the Americans themselves, while a few like Arthur C. Clarke have always been internationalists. Brian Aldiss has long practised what he preaches when arguing for less parochialism in British SF, for it to take on the grander themes and wider horizons beloved of Americans. Even that arch-individual J.G.Ballard has claimed that SF is the most important literature of our time and implies, with and without irony, that it should possess some kind of missionary zeal. Similarly, Ian Watson has argued the case for taking SF out of literature and using it as "a tool to help us think". Many of Ian's arguments, first elaborated ten years ago, foreshadow strongly what writers like Sterling are saying today. One interesting thing about Aldiss, Ballard and Watson is that all three have spent significant periods living overseas in exotic places, Aldiss in the Far East, Ballard in China, Watson in Japan and East Africa. (Compare Sterling's years in India, and Clarke's in Sri Lanka.) Obviously the experience of culture shock can bring later commitment to SF as a vital medium with global rather than nationalistic perspectives. Looking at SF in the large, it can be argued that the American product is as parochial or as nationalistic in subtle ways as anything produced here, but I'm concentrating on the more serious kinds of SF. Ambitious US writers have tended to range far more widely in setting and theme than their British counterparts, a reflection of differing national characters. We Brits are as a national more insular, lacking the frequent open-mindedness of Americans, their generosity, their sense of scale and scope. We're more obsessed with private concerns. If it was Wells who created the template for modern SF, then it's American writers and editors who created the genre and took its wide-eyed view of the universe to their hearts. Why there and not here? Well, the USA is the most techno- logically advanced nation on Earth, with new ideas and life- styles impinging most rapidly on people there. Is it any wonder that SF, custom-built to deal with the impact of social and technological change, found its ideal home there? But there's more to it than that. A country's literature is profoundly influenced by its geography and history. Sim- plistically, America remains a big open place with plenty of wilderness where presumably it's still possible to feel something of the pioneer spirit. The "log cabin" syndrome still survives: a feeling that it really is possible to go out into the wilds and set up home, against all the odds. Nowadays, of course, it's easier to do this by the power of the pen or word processor rather than the six-gun. Instead of building a real log cabin, create a paper spaceship which can fly you to the other end of the universe... and there you can really show your pioneering spirit. Here in Britain we're a bit disdainful of that sort of thing. There's no wilderness here to speak of, and certainly no pioneering spirit. If we have a particular historical syndrome dominating our present literature, it's the "End of Empire" theme. America has yet to experience this, apart from a small echo of it following the withdrawal from Viet Nam: it'll be interesting to see what happens to their SF when American political and economic power does finally begin to wane. (Though perhaps none of us will be around to see it.) It also occurs to me that the echo of Viet Nam already has begun to influence American SF: Sterling's call for a more global outlook reflects a new humility in the realization that the USA cannot really expect to dominate the planet for ever and ever. Meanwhile, on this tight little isle, we're still churning out stuff about the British in India. SF hasn't escaped the "end of empire" syndrome, either: almost every well-known British SF writer has done a disaster novel of some description, or one whose background shows Britain invaded or slowly falling apart. Off the top of my head I can think of Wyndham -- obviously -- Aldiss, Ballard, Christopher, Cowper, Roberts, Priest.... Even Orwell and Amis have had a go. And yes, I've done one myself with THE INSIDER. Such books appeal to the masochistic side of the British character, but unless they have something else to offer, American editors tend to greet them with as much enthusiasm as if you'd dropped a long-dead kipper in their laps. I've never managed to sell THE INSIDER in the US, though I did get it published in Germany, a country with a historical tradition more similar to our own. "Too British" is the common American verdict on "British gloom", as if this were explanation enough. Many of us here have a love-hate relationship with the American SF market, as represented by its editors. We want to write our own stuff, but we're very conscious that without American sales we're going to struggle financially. All these factors -- historical, geographical, economic -- combine to make British SF a marginal affair, and that's why I think it's unlikely that a distinct "British movement" committed to SF will ever emerge. (The original NEW WORLDS "new wave" was actually an ANTI-SF movement in many ways, and even then American writers like Disch and Sladek were always heavily involved.) What tradition exists here tends to be one of UK writers doing their own thing against the odds, or making efforts to give their material a transatlantic flavour. We haven't the market potential to support a home-grown SF industry which could exist without reference to the US product... the notion doesn't even enter heads except as a vague occasional yearning. I don't want to sound too gloomy. (Think of our continental cousins in France, Germany, the Netherlands and so on, who have an even bigger problem: overcoming the hegemony of the English language.) New SF writers ARE emerging here and finding success on both sides of the Atlantic: Mary Gentle is a recentish example. Feminist SF also seems vigorous in Britain and America, and it's still an area with a lot of potential. Perhaps John Clute is also on to something when he writes in INTERZONE than Brian Aldiss's Helliconia books have "established for British SF in the 1980s an adult model for writing large-scale epic narrative". There are certainly signs that British SF is becoming a bit more cosmopolitan, more prepared to tackle a larger canvas. Gwyneth Jones travels widely in her SF; Garry Kilworth and Ian Watson have been taking us to exotic little corners of the globe for years. And I've heard rumours that Iain Banks is writing something akin to space opera.... Overall, I still find myself unable to sort out my feelings on SF. I veer between enthusiasm and despair. In a sense, every SF writer in the world is labouring in the shadow of H.G.Wells. None has achieved his mastery of the form, his originality and invention. Of course Wells had the advantage when he was writing that practically the whole field was there for the making. And make it he did. I don't know whether modern SF will be able to solve the problem that the longer it goes on, the harder it is to find something fresh to write about. In these moods I'm a kindred spirit with Lee Montgomerie, who muses (again in INTERZONE): "Sometimes I think time is wearing out for SF, locked in a desperate energy crisis. So much of its conceptual fuel has already been burned up, exhausted, reprocessed into advertising, comic books, claptrap movies and video games.... Sometimes I think SF is already dead, long since expired from cognitive anaemia in the early flush of youth, and that the literature we have now is just its ghost, endlessly and pointlessly revisiting its old haunts, saying nothing." All too often I have similar feelings; but the optimism doggedly endemic to the field strikes back. Maybe we've simply yet to discover -- as Aldiss and Wingrove suggest in TRILLION YEAR SPREE -- new metaphors to embody the ideas of modern science in fiction. Or maybe SF has simply emerged at last from a playful childhood where everything seems new and wonderful, into a belated adulthood which entails returning to its roots to confront all its myths and dreams with a new maturity. Prognostications about SF's future have tended to be gloomy ever since I started reading SF criticism, yet still it lumbers on in its promiscuous, punch-drunk way. Even lost sheep keep coming back into the fold. Fired by the feeling that British SF HAS been in the doldrums of late, Rob Holdstock and I recently took up an idea of David Garnett's for doing an anthology of new British short stories, published to coincide with Conspiracy. The result is called OTHER EDENS -- out from Unwin next August. Now if I were Harlan Ellison, I'd be telling you that this is a revolutionary, state-of-the-art anthology the like of which you've never seen, which shows British SF as vital and alive and radical and innovatory and altogether incredible and unbelievable. But with typical British restraint I'll simply say that Rob and I think it's a good solid collection of stories which coincidentally tends to support my view that British SF is very much a collection of individuals who, left to their own devices, write stories not quite like anyone else's at all. And if that seems like a modest claim -- I disagree. It's the most radical thing of all. This speech has gone on far too long in my opinion, and probably yours as well. I've been generalizing wildly in places; you can probably think of lots of examples to disprove what I've been saying. (I can think of a few myself.) All my musings and misgivings about "cyberpunk" could be regarded as jealousy that I was never part of a vigorous, thrusting new group with dynamic ideas. My complaints about American editors could be seen as sour grapes growing from the feeling that my own stuff's been neglected. Or I could just be indulging in my own bit of polemic as an aid to self-publicity. It's all part of the game, isn't it? I'm off now to see H.G.Wells. We have a few things to talk about, though mostly he does the talking and I listen. But I've got some bad news for him: Rog Peyton thinks his covers are lousy. Still, he's in good company on that score. [CE] ### COMPLAINTS DEPARTMENT: LETTERS ### UNSIGNED (Glasgow postmark): "LANGFORD! We, the 10th of October Scottish Committee for the Furtherance of Cyberpunk (OctoberAlbaCyberpunk), are shocked and disgusted at the scum- baggish treatment meted out to Bruce Sterling within the pages of your pustulant, despicable, libellous, nose-dredging excuse for a fanzine! Sterling is an artistic writer of considerable -- nay, consummate skill, and to mention his name or any of his works in your purulent, grotty, shoddy, meretricious feuilleton indicates a staggering presumption on your part! Let it be known that our OctoberAlbaCyberpunk minions are everywhere, monitoring your every move and recording your every utterance and typed letter by the use of ultra-sophisticated hardware totally alien to the feeble mind-sets of limp flaccid Home-Counties-SF writers such as yourself! Our intent is to compile a dossier of your terrifying and nauseating pastimes and release it to Fandom worldwide. Never again will you be able to hold your head high in convention bars -- indeed, your only solace will be that found in the snore-hung darkness of post-midnight film programmes. We dare you to print this letter and thus avoid the even more horrifying retributions we have in store! "WIDGIE ROTUND BOLIVAR (ON BEHALF OF COMMITTEE)." [I wasn't so terrified as to miss the American spelling "libelous" in the original of this. H'mm.... DRL] DAVE COLLINS: "Terry Broome & I are collecting money within fandom to be donated to charity in memory of Rob Gregg. Closing date is 30 April; cheques should be made out to me." [21 Exleigh Close, Bitterne, Southampton, SO2 5FB] ALEXIS GILLILAND: "On [my novel] WIZENBEAK, the third payment from Bluejay, due three months after publication, was not forthcoming. At the Atlanta Worldcon Jim Frenkel bought me lunch and said it would be mailed out in a week or two. The end of the month I called him three times, and when the calls weren't returned I sent a letter saying that if I wasn't paid by Oct 31, the contract was void and the rights reverted to me. October rolled by. On the 31st, I called and asked the person answering the phone to return the MS for the sequel which had been in submission since mid-May.... At WSFA's fifth Friday party that very evening, Jack Chalker told me that Bluejay was going down the tubes. It figures. I'm about 70,000 words into volume 3 of the trilogy, and should finish it up this month [November]. When I do, I can try to market all three as a package, WIZENBEAK (rights having reverted), THE SHADOW SHAIA (which Frenkel liked but never offered a contract for) and THE LORD OF THE TROLL-BATS. How did we ever get so far ahead of the publisher, finishing book 3 before he made the third payment on book 1?" [Andrew Stephenson later reported that Frenkel had given up publishing and switched to packaging. DRL] ### CONDOM ### NOVACON 16 (long gone, snows of yesteryear, this is the kind of news ANSIBLE prefers) definitely happened. From a smoking trail of charred synapses I reconstruct: On arrival at the De Vere Hotel, Coventry, we were personally met by Chairman Tony Berry Himself, merry as a funeral bell: "Hello. It's not very good so far. The bar's pretty nasty, I'm afraid...." To inject spontaneity, the committee had neglected to brief speakers and panellists on when the printed programme said they'd be appearing ("Bloody hell", quipped Terry Pratchett, arriving late Friday evening to find his panel was already supposed to have happened) or, in extreme cases, that they were appearing at all (I got a letter two days beforehand, asking me to run a panel. Instantly I rang to say "No, I hate running panels, I'm lousy at it, Brian Burgess could do better than me," etc. It was too late. "Oh dear, we've printed the programme now.") But all this is traditional and I enjoyed the con a lot. Famous US author Kim Stanley Robin- son and David Brin made a terrific impact in mere hours: G.Pickersgill was seen dancing around the latter at 3am, crying "This man is a fucking ALIEN, he has got to DIE!" -- causing tolerant Avedon Carol to rail against anti-American bigotry and explain that David B. was a sociobiologist, so one must make allowances for this infirmity. New Era (the L.Ron Hubbard publishing outfit) confined their campaigning to a popular free- beer party with a table full of The Books, all of which were duly signed by ever-witty Malcolm Edwards ("Yours in decay, Ron", etc.) who never noticed that he was being stared at throughout by a New Era person not quite courageous enough to tick him off. The Nova award results (fanzine and fan writer both to Owen Whiteoak, for his PINK FLUFFY BEDSOCKS alias practically any name you can imagine; fan artist to ATom) were popular; less so the stunning announcement by Novacon 17 boss Bernie Evans that despite Tony Berry's detailed mathematical proof in the programme book that Novacon could never be squeezed back into the Royal Angus, 1987 would see a return to the Royal Angus. Apparently this year's was the first Novacon ever to have FEWER people attending than were listed as members in the program book (i.e. dropouts exceeded walk-ins), which may have had something to do with the decision. BFS OPEN NIGHT (3 Apr, upstairs in the Royal Connaught, High Holborn, WC1): free to all from 6pm. FANDERSON 87 (3-5 Apr, Caister, Norfolk): a mere #12 for days of non-stop bloody Gerry Anderson, to 147 Francis Rd, Leyton, London, E10 5NT. BECCON 87 (17-21 Apr, NEC, Birmingham): Eastercon with ever- swelling guest list, now including Ian Watson and Jane Gaskell. #6 supp #11 att to 191 The Heights, Northolt, Middlesex, UB5 4UB. TELLY-CON (18 Apr, New Imperial Hotel, Birmingham): TV-fantasy affair with Patrick Macnee, Joanna Lumley, Gerald Harper: #8 to 132 Cambridge Drive, Marston Green, Birmingham. NAT. CON OF POETS & SMALL PRESSES (25-26 April, Festival Hall, Corby): "strong SF presence" with Cassandra group and Bob Shaw (on "open day" Sat, not "poets' day" Sun). #5 to Tom Bingham, 82 Dresden Close, Corby, Northants, NN18 9EN. SOL III (1-4 May, Liverpool): Trekkie fun, data from 39 Dersingham Ave, London, E12 5QF. See AMOK TIME again!!! RUBICON II (29 May - 1 June, Chequers Hotel, Newbury): the substitute Silicon rides again, with a substitute date owing to Conspiracy. #5 to Bishop's Cottage, Park House Lane, Reading, Berks, RG3 2AH. ALBACON 87 (19-23 June, Central Hotel, Glasgow): GoH Josie Saxton, Brian Stableford. #4 supp #10 att (#12 from 19 May) to "Burnawn", Stirling Rd, Dumbarton, G82 2PJ. CONNOTE8 (3-5 July, New Hall, Cambridge): Unicon 8, #4 supp #8 att to Trinity College, Cambridge, CB2 1TQ. CONSPIRACY 87 (27 Aug - 1 Sept, Brighton) has considerably de- emphasized its awkward given name in recent flyers, preferring to stress the 45TH WORLD SF CONVENTION bit. (Cheques to the latter name.) #30 to 1 April, #38 to 31 July; PO Box 43, Cambridge, CB1 3JJ. FANTASYCON XII (4-6 Sept, Midland Hotel, Brum): GoH J.K. Potter. #3 supp #10 att, to 15 Stanley Rd, Morden, Surrey. NICON II (late Oct, Belfast): "80% positive" GoH Katherine Kurtz, Robert Anton Wilson, Jim Fitzpatrick. #2 supp #5 att (#6 after Easter, #7 after August) to 60 Melrose St, Belfast 9, N.I. Insider Thomas Ferguson quotes 1986 NIcon highlights: "Yes, Peter Morwood is a prat." (Anon). "She terrified me!" (Anne McCaffrey escort). "Who the fuck is running this bloody mess... I'll murder the bastards...." (Various voices as the con committee unanimously vanished on Saturday night). CONGREGATE (10-12 June 88, Peterborough): #5 supp #11 att, or find out more (this is all I know) from 67 Ayres Drive, Stanground, Peterborough. NOLACON II (Worldcon: 1-5 Sept 88, New Orleans) has persuaded Linda Pickersgill to be UK agent: she hasn't had any other information whatever, but might know UKP rates real soon now: 7a Lawrence Rd, South Ealing, W5 4XJ. EUROCON XIII/HUNGAROCON IX (10-14 Aug 88, Budapest): an enthusiastic but vague flyer hopes this will be "the first Eurocon where there won't be travel problems on account of money restrictions, so fans from East and West can meet." Info: Hungarian SF Society, Eurocon Committee, Budapest 5, PF.514, H- 1374, Hungary. (Address from flyer letterhead: in my ignorance I trust part of it isn't a phone number....) SOMETHINGOROTHERCON (1988 or 1989, Somewhere In South Wales): "We, the Swansea group, are half thinking of putting on a con," writes, if that's the word for what he does to hapless postcards, D.M.Sherwood: "It (there's no name yet) may or may not be at the Grand, Port Talbot (a place with all the refined charm of the Central, Cardiff, provided the carpets haven't been stripped out yet). It may include items for fantasy games computer buffs, folk/filk singers and anything else on the cheap. SAE for info to my address pretty please." PO Box 23, Port Talbot, SA13 1DA. CONTRIVANCE 89 (Eastercon bid) plans to offer a Jersey venue, following a Novacon straw poll at which Jersey votes exceeded those for other suggestions (Birmingham, Brighton) by factors varying from approximately fifty to approximately infinity. Pre- supp #1 to Tim Illingworth, 63 Drake Rd, Chessington, Surrey, KT9 1LQ. NOREASCON 3 (1990 Worldcon, Boston): GoH Andre Norton plus Ian & Betty Ballantine. Info: UK agent Colin Fine (see COA). CONTRAVENTION (1990 Eastercon bid) woos fans with dulcet, honeyed phrases: "In 1990 you'll get what you want whether you like it or not!", says the flyer, and suggests that you send UKP....... [sic] for pre-supp membership to Chris Donaldson, 35 Buller Rd, London, N17. HOLLAND IN 1990 (my preferred Worldcon bid): a savage clog sank into my groin at Novacon thanks to ANSIBLE's mention of a #3.50 pre-supp fee when really it should be #4... to Colin Fine at his new address (see COA) or Ian Sorensen. LA IN 1990 (other Worldcon bid) got missed out last time, by accident rather than cunning pro-Holland design. A recent circular announces the demise of that controversial plan to fund the bidding with $20,000 of past LA-con profits (wise decision!). Instead, members of the bidding group SCIFI Inc are "paying an assessment of $25 a quarter" while "name" fans/pros are being invited to contribute $25 and become Associate Bid Committee Members with GoH voting privileges. ### C.O.A. ### DAVID BRIN (for some months yet, I think) 26a Gayton Rd, Hampstead, London, NW3 1TY :: TERRY BROOME, Ward 7, Harlow Wood Orthopaedic Hosp, Nottingham Rd, Mansfield, Notts, NG18 4TU ("for anyone wishing to send funeral cards") :: BILL BOWERS, 1874 Sunset Ave, Apt 56, Cincinnati, OH 45238, USA :: JOHN BROSNAN, 6 Lower Rd, Harrow, Middlesex, HA2 0DA ("I now reside in Chris Evans' old flat in Ortygia House -- the building that has nurtured so many other great literary talents. I expect to see an improvement in my work any day now.") :: ALLYN CADOGAN, 1324 E Cotati Ave (103), Rohnert Park, CA 94928, USA :: MIKE CHRISTIE, 38 Gloucester Rd, Acton, London, W3 8PD :: JONATHAN COLECLOUGH, c/o Digital Type Systems Ltd, Standard Wharf, 60 Wapping High St, London, SE10 9QR :: MALCOLM EDWARDS c/o Victor Gollancz Ltd, 14 Henrietta St, London, WC2E 8QJ (mark letters PERSONAL) :: DAVID ELWORTHY, 151 Victoria Rd, Cambridge :: COLIN FINE, 28 Abbey Rd, Cambridge, CB5 8HQ :: LINDA GERSTEIN & ELI COHEN, 440 West End Ave (14E), New York, NY 10024, USA :: CAREY HANDFIELD, PO Box 1091, Coulton, Vic 3053, Australia :: LEE HOFFMAN, 401 Sunrise Trail NW, Port Charlotte, FL 33952, USA :: KIM HUETT, PO Box 649, Woden, ACT 2606, Australia :: SUE JONES, 89 Sutton Rd, Shrewsbury, SY2 6ED :: JON LANGFORD, 164 Harehills Rd, Leeds 8 :: BERNARD LEAK, H1 Whewell's Court, Trinity College, Cambridge, CB2 1TQ :: KEITH MITCHELL, 19 Meadowplace Rd, Edinburgh, EH12 7UJ :: MIKE & DEBBY MOIR, 27 Hampton Rd, Worcester Park, Surrey, KT4 8EU :: KIM NEWMAN, 45 Church Lane, Crouch End, London, N8 8DR :: KEVIN K.RATTAN, 150 Bow Common Lane, Bow, London, E.3 :: GRANT SINCLAIR, 2/5 Sturt Ave, Toorak Gdns, SA 5065, Australia :: BRUCE STERLING, 4525 Speedway, Austin, TX 78751, USA :: SUE THOMASON, 31 Barfield Rd, Muncaster, York, YO3 9AW :: JEAN WEBER & ERIC LINDSAY, 6 Hillcrest Avenue, Faulconbridge, NSW 2776, Australia :: OWEN WHITEOAK, temporarily c/o 24a Beech Rd, Bowes Park, London, N.11 :: ### THE INSANITY OFFENCE: CHARLES PLATT ### The case sounded ridiculous. Harlan Ellison, interviewed by Gary Groth for THE COMICS JOURNAL in 1979, had made a few offhand comments about the work of Michael Fleisher, author of the notoriously violent DC Comics SPECTRE series. Ellison said the series was "bugfuck"; you had to be crazy like Robert E.Howard or H.P.Lovecraft to write like that. Fleisher said he was "devastated and appalled" by Ellison's remarks, and decided to sue for libel. Late in 1986, the case reached Southern District Federal Court in Manhattan. Judge Vincent Broderick's court room was smaller and more intimate than I'd expected: I wandered in on 11 November and had to pick my way between lawyers and defendants sitting on ancient green-vinyl-upholstered chairs, ranged around three big wooden tables. As I sat down in one of four plywood pews reserved for (nonexistent) visitors, the prosecuting counsel had just started his opening statement. Attorneys can say what they like in opening and closing statements, which are exempt from the strict procedural rules observed while interrogating witnesses. Fleisher's attorney told the jury of 5 women and 4 men that Ellison was "a controversial person. Controversial people stir up trouble, they attract attention... Not only does he not deny this, he markets it." As for THE COMICS JOURNAL, it was an "elitist, muckraking" magazine: "every time you open it you can find some kind of hate, some kind of argument." Their transcript of Ellison's 5-hour interview was "nasty, hostile and attacking." Ellison attacked John Wayne, and he attacked John Updike, but he attacked Michael Fleisher worst of all. The libel supposedly consisted of three separate statements: First, Ellison variously described Fleisher as crazy; certifiable; twisted; derange-o; bugfuck; and a lunatic. Second, Ellison (mis)quoted a PUBLISHERS WEEKLY review as having said CHASING HAIRY, a novel by Fleisher, was "the product of a sick mind". The review had said no such thing. Third, Ellison said Fleisher's SPECTRE series had been discontinued by DC because "they realized they had turned loose a lunatic on the world." In other words, DC killed Fleisher's series because they thought he was mentally unbalanced. As a result of these statements, Fleisher's "business reputation has been destroyed." The attorney summed up: "Freedom of speech doesn't go this far. There is no protection for lies that are knowingly published." As compensation, he was asking for total damages of $2,000,000 from Ellison, Groth and THE COMICS JOURNAL. After lunch, Groth's attorney took his turn. He claimed that Fleisher's gross income had actually doubled in the years following the supposed destruction of his career; that Fleisher had described HIMSELF as "a lunatic" in an interview; and that Fleisher's work was indeed deranged. For instance, in his comic- book story "The Night of the Chicken", a farmer picked up a prostitute, forced her to dress in a chicken costume, hacked her to pieces with an axe, then fed her to his chickens. And Fleisher had stated that out of all his stories, this was one of the three he was most proud of. As for CHASING HAIRY, it portrayed foul-minded men acting out their hatred for women. (In a deposition under oath, Fleisher had explained that "hairy" refers to "pussy".) At the climax, after getting a female hitch-hiker to participate in "unnatural sex acts", they poured gasoline over her in the back seat of a car, set light to it, and watched the explosion scatter her parts across the landscape. But Ellison hadn't been condemning Fleisher when he called such stuff "bugfuck". On the contrary, he was PRAISING it. "Bugfuck", the defence claimed, was a word Ellison used to describe people he admired. he even used it on himself. At other times (the attorney said) Ellison had happily described himself as "crazy as a bedbug". So Ellison had described himself as crazy; and Fleisher had described HIMSELF as crazy; but the trouble started when ELLISON said FLEISHER was crazy. In case the jury might think there wasn't really much to choose between the behaviour of these two mature adults, Ellison's attorney tried to elevate the proceedings to a higher plane. He reminded the jury of the vital importance of writers who take a radical stance. The work of Thoreau was a powerful influence on Gandhi, who liberated a whole continent from colonial oppression. Gandhi in turn inspired Martin Luther King, whose marches through the South ushered in liberation for American blacks. And guess who participated in those courageous marches? Why, none other than Harlan J. Ellison! (It so happened that of nine jurors listening to this homily, three were black.) Ellison, like Thoreau, was a brilliant writer, who had won every imaginable award for excellence in his field. Yes, he was outspoken sometimes -- even using hard-hitting language like "bugfuck" -- but that's the way great radicals are. He certainly shouldn't be confused with mere COMIC-BOOK writers. The implication was that from his lofty literary plane, Ellison knew little of comicdom; consequently he couldn't have known that what he said about Fleisher wasn't true; and without deliberate untruth, or reckless disregard for truth, there could be no libel. Fleisher's lawyer didn't buy this. He didn't think Ellison was as naive about comics as he made out: next day he had him on the witness stand, admitting that he had received as much as $3000 for being a celebrity at comics cons, had written comics scripts for both Marvel and DC, and had often allowed his stories to be adapted for comics. At this point the attorney pulled out a stack of lurid magazines whose paper had turned yellow during the years taken for the legal machinery to bring this case to trial. Wasn't it true that Ellison once planned to adapt a story he co-wrote titled "Would You Do It For A Penny?" Imagine the confusion of a juror at this point. There you are, a retired subway token-booth clerk, perhaps, or an insurance salesman. You walk into the court to discover one writer suing another for stating he's insane. The term "writer" makes you think of poets or best-selling novelists. But no: it turns out that Fleisher used to write comic books describing motorcycle gangs, zombies and psychopaths chopping women to pieces with axes and power saws. He's the one sitting meekly at the table nearest the judge -- a shy, stooping man with glasses and thick bushy hair, like the protagonist in the movie ERASERHEAD. The other writer, Ellison, is wearing a dark blue blazer with gold buttons, like an elderly diplomat, or something out of LIFESTYLES OF THE RICH AND FAMOUS. His grey hair is immaculately coiffed, and he has an air of grim detachment, as if he can't believe he's being forced to associate himself with such lowlifes. Ellison's attorney lists Ellison's literary awards, claims he even helped to liberate the American Negro, for heaven's sake. But now Ellison's on the witness stand, and Fleisher's attorney is showing him back issues of HEAVY METAL and a comic called CREEPY: "Is this your story, here? Did you write this?" And Ellison is reluctantly agreeing that he did. So you, the juror, begin to wonder: How can it be that this latter-day Thoreau sold his stuff to the same kind of sleazoid publications that printed Fleisher's sicko stories about people getting hacked into a bloody pulp? Harlan Ellison -- and most SF readers -- wouldn't agree, but TO THE OUTSIDER, comics, horror and SF can seem much the same, all using lurid images to give kids cheap thrills. Is Ellison's award-winning "I Have No Mouth And I Must Scream?" really that much better than "Night of the Chicken?" Maybe it's better written, and maybe it has an implicit social message, but TO THE OUTSIDER it looks as if we're making microscopic distinctions between two grades of trash. This case initially promised to be a serious test of a respected writer's legal right to express trenchant literary criticism. As I sat there, however, listening to the list of absurd story titles and the asinine, inaccurate epithets that had been exchanged, the veneer of respectability began to seem totally bogus. SF people have a notorious tendency to take themselves too seriously, and here they were all dressed up in business suits, paying attorneys thousands of dollars a day to make them sound impressive, while the case really seemed little more than a namecalling competition. I'm not questioning anyone's sincerity. During the trial I began to realize that Fleisher had been genuinely distressed by the "crazy" epithet. At first he recoiled in seeming horror when I introduced myself and said I might write something about the case. But as the days wore on, the artificial environment of fluorescent ceiling panels, acoustic tiles, scuffed plywood panelling and wrinkled brown carpet seemed to close in: like hostages who learn to love their captors, everyone developed a guarded camaraderie. I filched a copy of Fleisher's novel from one of the defence attorneys and found, contrary to the way it had been described, it was a carefully considered, perceptive book about the inhumanity of common men -- the kind of novel, in fact, that Ellison claims to write himself, yet never seems to publish. PUBLISHERS WEEKLY did not, as Ellison stated, call it "the product of a sick mind... so twisted and nauseating, it has absolutely no redeeming social value." They said simply that it was "a very ugly book" about "hideous sexism". I found it no more ugly or hideous than the realities it rather objectively described. So Fleisher wasn't a mere comics hack, and did feel genuinely wronged, and had genuinely suffered, despite the efforts of the defence attorneys to portray him as a venal, perverted opportunist. However, proof of libel doesn't depend on the personalities involved, or even on emotional distress. Four circumstances must exist. A defamatory statement must have been made (one likely to subject a person to ridicule and abuse from friends or co- workers); the maker of the statement must have known it was false or must have acted with reckless disregard for the truth (that is, with awareness of probability of falsity); and actual injury must have occurred to the REPUTATION of the victim (not just his feelings). Only after libel has been established can damages be assessed: these can then reflect any distress that may have occurred. In this case, libel was never established. On the afternoon of 9 December, after four weeks of tiresome quibbles between lawyers, scurrilous attacks on the integrity of witnesses, half- truths delivered under oath, mountains of xeroxed documents showered on the jury, and a final summation by the judge that filled most of one morning and referred repeatedly to "Harvey" Ellison... the jury took less than 90 minutes to acquit Ellison, Groth and THE COMICS JOURNAL on all counts. In a sense, it was the right decision. The case seemed personally important to Fleisher, but to everyone else it seemed silly. Henry Holmes, Ellison's second attorney, who flew in from LA for some of the proceedings, said that on the West Coast no judge would have accepted the case for trial in the first place. But consider the four circumstances for establishing libel. In my opinion (opinions based on public facts are generally exempt from libel), Ellison's statement WAS defamatory; it WAS false; and it WAS made with reckless disregard for the truth. He himself almost admitted as much in the interview: after describing Fleisher as "certifiable", he added, "that's a libellous thing to say." Under cross-examination he claimed the remark to have been a joke: but Fleisher's lawyer suggested that Ellison realized (at that moment in the interview) he had "gone too far", which sounded about right to me. Moreover, after the interview was published and protests were received, Ellison referred to his own "unnecessary vitriol" in a letter to Groth. and added "I am unsettled. I am remorseful. I must watch my mouth." The fourth requirement for proving libel -- injury to Fleisher's reputation -- was harder to demonstrate. As Ellison's attorney put it, "If someone is injured in his professional reputation, it will show up on their income-tax return." Fleisher's returns showed an increase in gross writing income from about $27,000 in 1979 to $50,000 in 1983. In at least one instance he seemed to benefit from notoriety: after Ellison's interview compared his craziness to that of Robert E.Howard, Fleisher was commissioned to script a CONAN comic.... But, as Fleisher put it: "I found myself having difficulties with my work that I had not experienced before... I was unable to produced the plots that I was required to do... It's intrusive to go through life dealing with people... who've been given the impression you're some sort of lunatic." There was indeed evidence that professional colleagues no longer viewed him the same way, especially after THE COMICS JOURNAL started publicizing and ridiculing his lawsuit. "Month after month they used his name to promote their magazine and to mock him." At one point they even mailed invitations that said, "One of the reasons we're giving this party is because we're making Michael Fleisher so unhappy." Nor were they entirely fair when they gleefully described CHASING HAIRY as "the most repulsive piece of fiction ever written in English." One could only admire their prescience, though, when in an ad for a back issue that said, "Bet you this turns up in some legal paper." The ad itself was offered as an exhibit by the prosecution. Personally, I don't believe in libel laws, because the only kind of printed statement that really hurts is the kind that exposes truth*, and in the USA, truth cannot be libellous. People sue when someone offends their dignity, or when they take a statement more seriously than it was intended. If Fleisher had been able to laugh at Ellison's accusations, everyone would soon have forgotten them. By choosing to sue, Fleisher attracted the notoriety he said he sought to avoid. So I feel Fleisher was wrong to bring the suit (and I ventured to tell him this in person); but having brought it, it seemed to me that he should have won it. In a way, justice was still done: Fleisher refused to say how much the case had cost him, but I suspect much of his legal costs to have been on a contingency basis -- his attorney wouldn't receive the full fee unless he won damages. By contrast, Ellison, Groth and THE COMICS JOURNAL had to pay their four attorneys at least $150 an hour, win or lose. Insurance may have covered some of the magazine's expenses, but Ellison was telling people that the case had cost him $85,000. Perhaps this will be an incentive for him to speak a little more circumspectly in his next interview -- or, at least, check some of the facts before publication. [CP] [*Editorial disagreement registered at this point. [Though I cut Charles' report with the usual tasteless savagery, it appears at length because I'm fascinated and terrified by the thought of frames of reference switching suddenly from fannish give-and-take to courtroom analysis. "The accused, Langford, a being erect upon two legs, and bearing all the outward semblance of a man, and not of a monster, took it upon himself to state in print -- heedless of damage to my clients' reputation and finances -- that the announced organizational plans for their science fiction convention were... `daft'. This cold-blooded accusation of mental imbalance..." etc. I have some sympathy for H.E.] ### INFINITELY IMPROBABLE ### COVER-UP SCANDAL! Long-term readers will know I've often been danced on by irate persons in spiked boots for printing some tasty little factoid. Brian Earl Brown adds a new twist: he reckons I have no journalistic integrity because of something I DIDN'T cover in ANSIBLE 46, to wit, Ted White's drug bust (see A47. TW, by the way, was released on 4 December). Why, asks Brian, this shameful cover-up? I will admit it. Secretly my every action is controlled by alien radio waves beamed by Ted White into my brain. Past unflattering references to Ted in these pages are of course just camouflage. It is no use to plead in pathetic mitigation that owing to 1986 reclusiveness, when A46 appeared my only hard information about the arrest had come from Ted himself... in confidence. Brian demands higher journalistic standards: confidences should be ruthlessly violated when it comes to "major news" (his phrase) of a fan's misfortune. Must try harder, Langford. GRAND OLD MAN LASHES OUT! Informed that his next paperback blurb quotes John Fowles AGAIN, Chris Priest worried that the "young" in "One of our most gifted and poetic young writers" might now violate the Trade Descriptions Act. "Go on Chris, just ONE more time," said Gollancz persuasively.... In future, Mr Priest will be insisting on "Dean of British SF". STOLEN FROM SF CHRONICLE: A new US mag SF INTERNATIONAL has appeared, featuring worldwide fiction: Andromeda Press, 99 Teardrop Ct, Newbury Park, CA 91320.... Nebula novel nominations dominated by Orson Scott Card's SPEAKER FOR THE DEAD.... St Martin's Press is buying Tor Books.... FAN FUNDS: GUFF was won by Irwin Hirsh (address as colophon), who therefore represents Aussie fandom here at Conspiracy and is doing his best to find a hat with corks round the brim. DUFF went to Lucy Huntzinger (2215-R Market St, San Francisco, CA 94114, USA), who will be travelling to Australia and is widely not rumoured to be devising a punk hairstyle with corks round the brim. TAFF ballots enclosed (where deadlines allow), containing all ye know on earth and all ye need to know. COFF, the Concrete Overcoat Fan Fund, was overwhelmingly won by COFF (runners-up Mal Ashworth and Graham Poole), amid titanic applause at the announcement that COFF would henceforth cease. CURSE OF WORLDCON: A particularly dismal bit of fannish folklore is that Worldcon committee membership breaks up marriages. Note the sort-of-COA for Malcolm Edwards, who is not currently living at the 28 Duckett Rd, N4 1BN, address where Chris Atkinson is still to be found. OK? THE GARNETT ALTERNATIVE: "Having read the report in MATRIX, which seems to be about different people at a different place, and re-read the one in ANSIBLE 47 which excludes two of the essential participants, I think you need AN ALTERNATIVE MILFORD REPORT: It was observed that at Milford 1986, Scott Baker and 14 others wore glasses. The one exception was -- David Garnett." 1986 HUGO FUSS: Johan-Martijn Flaton contributes a last word. "What most of the audience didn't know was the little scene afterwards with the winners and press. As Kees van Toorn and I (disguised as `Press') entered the press-room with Harlan Ellison, the latter saw among a pile of Hugos one with a piece of paper taped to the bottom. It was Judy-Lynn's Hugo and the paper stated: `DEAD EDITOR'. I'll spare you Harlan's profanities...." NOVA AWARD RUNNERS-UP LEAK HORROR: WRITER 2 D.West; 3 L.Pickersgill & H.Ashworth. FANZINE 2 PULP; 3 PREVERT; 4 NUTZ; 5 TNH/STOMACH PUMP/XYSTER. ARTISTS 2 ATom; 3 D.West; 3 P.Lyon; 4 M.Molloy; 5 R.Calverley. (See also Novacon report.) SECRETS OF THE PROFESSIONALS REVEALED. TERRY PRATCHETT: "Signing books is better than sex." ANSIBLE: "Really?" TP: "So long as the pages don't stick together...." TOM SHIPPEY had a harrowing 1986 (confides D.West): having hurt his famously non- hirsute cranium on holiday by diving into water which proved to contain rocks, he was then belted with a bottle on the same spot, by Kate Solomon, for the social gaffe of dragging her round the room by her hair.... MALCOLM EDWARDS protests R.I.Barycz's scepticism about the EMPIRE OF THE SUN film: "Spielberg's already been over to London, has cast `Jim' and starts shooting in February...." RIP: Cesar Ignacio Ramos (apparently -- Alexis Gilliland's cartoon this issue was sent to CIR's AEON, to be found and returned by another Puerto Rican denizen "while going through the effects of Cesar Ramos").... CHEAP TRUTH exploded in November and ran its own obituary: "Node Zero, the global info-nexus of the CHEAP TRUTH publishing empire, has been reduced to smouldering wreckage in a poorly-realized action-sequence right out of the worst tradition of macho adventure fiction. A dead Hollywood stunt dummy, with several burst squibs of chicken-blood attached to its head and torso, was discovered by hard-boiled investig- ators [and] identified as that of CHEAP TRUTH editor Vincent Omniaveritas...." ELECTRONIC SKIFFY: Michael Bernardi is one of those carrying on the torch cast down by an effete earlier generation (me) on the Prestel net. Enquire about "Earthlight SF&F" from him on mailbox 919994136. Contains fanish critisism [sic]! BARYCZ STRIKES SOME HAPPY MEDIA: "KING KONG LIVES! Alas. American SF glossy mags pullulate with pics of a great hairy beast, usually horizontal. Dino de Laurentiis has a hand in it, alas. Well, if they can bring back Spock why not Kong? That is not dead which can eternal lie... and talking of Lovecraft the U of Chicago offers a translation of Greek magical papyri (330BC- 690AD) wherein you may make the acquaintance of the Demiurge of the Seven Laughs and the Headless Demon Who Sees With His Feet. Besides infallible methods of nobbling the chariot races and making your shadow invisible. Order your copy today! ....Something to drive Mike Moorcock into the arms of Mary Whitehouse: GOR is being/has been filmed. Our very own Oliver Reed in the cast and Klaus Kinski as well. OUTLAW GOR being made back to back with it if I interpret the news items correctly.... This year our TV screens will be blessed by a new Yankee series, ALF, subtle acronym for Alien Life Form who crashes into the attic of your everyday American suburban family and the rest is a muppet looking like the result of mating an anteater with a shar-pei who wears his hair in a duck's-arse over his sloping forehead. Might be fun.... OBIT Roger C.Carmel (aet.54) found dead at home in Hollywood from an apparent overdose of exotic chemicals, Columbian nose powder for one: general character actor, best known to skiffy as Harcourt Fenton (Harry) Mudd in STAR TREK.... Mr Cyborg himself, Arnold Schwarzenegger, is busy making Stephen King's THE RUNNING MAN. Arnold recently married into one of America's first families. Wits say this is an experiment in breeding a bullet-proof Kennedy." [RIB] SERIOUS & CONSTRUCTIVE: Unwin's "Orion SF" imprint seems to have been mysteriously short-lived, which is why the Evans/Holdstock anthology will appear as a plain Unwin pb (cf Chris's speech).... George Hay confides that a shortlist of novels for the fabulous Clarke Award has been drawn up, but neglects to name any of them.... Games Workshop is fomenting a THIEVES' WORLD kind of fiction series set in the world of their WARHAMMER game, whose ethereal flavour is best conveyed by such an extract as "Your blow smashes your opponent's spine and abdomen, tearing muscle and shattering bone so that your opponent falls to the ground in two separate pieces." British authors of pacifistic bent have already fled vomiting when invited to contribute.... Colin Greenland, while gloating over having arranged a Roger Dean cover for his ripping fantasy blockbuster THE HOUR OF THE THIN OX, is bitter about WHITE DWARF's subtle easing-out of his film column: "They cut my fee AND mixed me up with Alex Stewart!" (it is not certain which is the greater insult).... Your editor, momentarily delighted to see surprisingly non-awful cover art on the Baen SPACE EATER reissue, was swiftly crushed by Patrick Nielsen Hayden's discovery that the cover had actually been recycled from ASIMOV'S SF MAG.... Douglas Hofstadter's METAMAGICAL THEMAS has a lot on self- referential sentences, to which Damon Knight contributes: "Terry Carr... sent us the riddle, `How do you keep a turkey in suspense?', and never sent the answer. After about two weeks, we realized that WAS the answer." ANSIBLE's new title will be "How do you...." HAZEL'S LANGUAGE LESSONS: THE MARATHI WORD FOR FANDOM, REVEALED avlyachi mot ... a term for a gang of fellows united by some present and common but evanescent interest. A very loose and patched-up union based on no consolidation of interests and with an ever-present tendency to separation. [ANSIBLE 48 ends] ANSIBLE 49, 1987: PLEASE NOTE that this old ANSIBLE is a bit of history. Addresses may have changed (though the editor's hasn't), prices and agents' credits are invalid, etc. Dave Langford, ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk, 1993. ============================================================= ANSIBLE 49 APRIL 1987 ISSN 0265-9816 "As a newszine, it is the Emperor's New Clothes," enthuses FILE 770, noticing this only 46 issues later than the rest of you.... more transparency from DAVE LANGFORD, 94 LONDON ROAD, READING, BERKSHIRE, RG1 5AU, UK. Take heed: no further subscriptions will be accepted, har har, which isn't to say that ANSIBLE will necessarily vanish after issue 50. Distribution will, however, be a hell of a lot more whimsical. US agents: Mary & Bill Burns, 23 Kensington Court, Hempstead, NY 11550. Oz agent: Irwin Hirsh, 2/416 Dandenong Rd, North Caulfield, Vic 3161. Language Lesson courtesy of Colin Fine. Art: ATom. Print run 600, but not for much longer. News swiped from all the usual uncredited sources: SF CHRONIC, SHARDS OF THE HAGUE and JOURNAL OF THE DAVENTRY INSTITUTE OF CAPRINE STUDIES. ============================================================= ### FAIRY GOLD DEPARTMENT ### Somewhere in dusty cupboards, forgotten filing cabinets and the Great Upstairs Cardboard Box Mountain, I must have spare copies and carbons of everything I've ever published. This hoard probably doesn't represent vast wealth... but sometimes I wonder. Every few months I get a flyer about some US West Coast SF auction at which staggering prices will be raised by such memorabilia--plus, invariably, an edition of FAHRENHEIT 451 with asbestos binding. There are either an awful lot of these, or one copy which keeps changing hands because people get cancer after incautiously breathing in while reading it. Similar delights ought to include the works of H.P.Lovecraft bound in gorgonzola, or John Norman bound in luxurious half-inch manila rope with many a piquant granny-knot. And now, fresh from Los Angeles, here's the Barry R.Levin SF catalogue. Short rude story by Brian Aldiss ("Not for sale to minors."), dating all the way back to antiquarian 1986: $600. Carbon and proofs of STAND ON ZANZIBAR, $2500. Unsigned Gollancz hardback of NEUROMANCER: $150. 13 limericks by Damon Knight ("Two... [circa 1944] concern gentlemen named `Tucker' and `Bloch'... Not for sale to minors."): $150. Ellison book in "antiqued Grimoire Box" with a lock to keep it under control: $1200. All Keith Laumer's "Retief" manuscripts can be yours for little more than $6000. The daftest item comprises four Silverberg "mock story openings", brief doodles written to test his word processor: to you, $350. Interestingly, most of these come with signed letters of provenance from the authors. One wonders whether said authors are deeply altruistic, and out of sheer love for Barry R. Levin provide the guarantees of authenticity (YOU know how many forged carbons and proofs of STAND ON ZANZIBAR are going the rounds) which enable him to boost the price to sense-of-wonder levels. Or do the authors... get a cut? If the terms are good, dealers should note that I stand poised to write up to 800 fulsome letters of provenance, one for each copy of that rarity WAR IN 2080 still stockpiled here. ### EASTERCON REPORT BY DAV GARNETT ### [ANSIBLE, notes Mr Garnett, is displaying a tendency to longer articles and older news. Thus he reports on his very first emergence from the closet: The BSFA Easter Convention held in Bristol on 24-26 March 1967.... DRL] Arrive at the Hawthorns Hotel just after six o'clock Friday, book in and go up to my room. What am I doing here? Don't know anyone. But can't hide forever. Go down and register. Pay another scrotum-tightening 10/- in addition to earlier 7/6 registration fee. For which get a name tag, programme booklet and two pens. Wander around, then back to room 261 to hide again. Finally, down to the con hall and bar. It's like a huge pub. Buy a drink and pretend to look for someone I know. Choose an empty table, also empty chair, and wait for programme to begin. Supposed to be eight o'clock, the Brian Aldiss show. Room begins to fill. Committee hope to break the 200 barrier over the weekend! People come and sit next to me: suddenly am no longer alone and begin talking. Aldiss turns up late, hurrying in still wearing overcoat and claiming he's been waiting for us all in a hotel down the road. Introduces various authors and fans. Famous names suddenly become recognizable faces. Brunner and Bulmer, Disch and Merril, Moorcock and Platt, Tubb and White. Aldiss runs a quiz, asking them to name a book or story which starts/ends with a certain line. They win paperbacks for being right. As a consolation prize, they win paperbacks for being wrong. After this, head to the bar. Suddenly find myself standing next to an author. Never met one before. Thomas M.Disch--the famous Thomas M.Disch. Got to say something. What? Enquire whether he is a fan of E.C.Tubb, as he knew the line Aldiss quoted him was from a Tubb story. "No, Brian told me the answer first," he says. More alcohol is consumed: the evening dissolves, blurs, fades. Wake up next a.m. in time to miss breakfast. First on today's programme is the professional panel: should have been titled the pessimism panel. After this, meet a guy called Duncan Lunan who will soon be joining the ranks of the pros--reveals how his first sf novel NO SHIPS FROM EARTH would have appeared in ANALOG if they weren't overstocked on novels. Lunch, and two short films: the first, RELATIVITY, almost makes lunch come up again. Then John Brunner's Guest of Honour speech. First he gives out the British Fantasy Award for Philip K.Dick's THREE STIGMATA OF PALMER ELDRITCH. He isn't there, of course. Then a special award to Mike Moorcock, for being Mike Moorcock. He isn't there either. Brunner starts off talking about his new novel THE PRODUCTIONS OF TIME and how Signet made 55 editorial changes in the first chapter. Surely editors don't really do this? A few drinks later, it's evening. During the Brian Aldiss show, Charles Platt told how he'd sold GARBAGE WORLD to Berkley (who also did Disch's first novel, THE GENOCIDES). Thinking of Brunner's speech, ask Platt whether he cares if the copy editor changes his book. He replies to the effect that they can do what they like. Confess I have writing ambitions and have had several NEW WORLDS rejections. Maybe out of sympathy, he buys me a drink. At once Graham M.Hall and Christopher Priest join us. Two more famous NEW WORLDS authors. I hope something will rub off. Time to find a room party, they say. Rumour that there's one in 261. When we get there I realize it's my room. Doesn't seem to be a party, but Judith Merril is having one. Go there instead. Moorcock is playing guitar and singing. Merril locks the door "to keep the noise out", which at the time seems a perfectly valid reason. Whenever anyone else tries to get in, she tells them to go to room 261. Look around the room and remember my first thought on arriving: What am I doing here, I'm the only person I've never heard of. Sit on floor next to famous Tom Disch. He offers me a cigarette. Wonder if should take up smoking so can accept. Instead get him to autograph the packet: "Thomas M.Disch (The Famous)" it says. Merril complains that no one has asked her for HER autograph, unlike at American cons. Ask Disch about this: he says he doesn't know, this is his first convention. Mine too. "I knew we must have something in common," he tells me. The drink flows like alcohol. Somehow get back to room, because wake up there Sunday a.m. in time for breakfast. To save money, check out of hotel and take room in nearby bed and breakfast, which costs 12/6. Afternoon brings the programme highlight: Moorcock's talk. Most important news is that NEW WORLDS will continue, as of issue 173, in new large format. Disch's CAMP CONCENTRATION will be serialized--"The best sf novel I have ever read," says Moorcock. He gives a marvellous performance during which he consumes most of a bottle of whisky, argues with the audience, announces that he's lost a page of his talk but no one has noticed. "I don't know what it means. You don't know what it means. But who the hell cares?" After this, he runs an auction--selling off artwork and MSS, mostly from NEW WORLDS. Without any other bids, someone offers and pays A POUND for the script of Ballard's "Day of Forever"! Unable to raise 10/- for a rare 1940 American fanzine, Moorcock buys it himself. Then rips it up. Also sells autographed paperbacks--autographed by himself, eg. ANDROID AVENGER by "Ted G.White". In my inebriated enthusiasm, end up paying 10/6 for some old GALAXY artwork. Thought it was by Emsh (who under the stretched version of his name, Ed Emshwiller, made RELATIVITY), but turns out to be by Martinez. Whoever he was. The hours pass; so do the drinks. St Fantony party held in evening, its centre a bowl of lethal punch. Place is packed: with a couple of others, make mistake of stepping into corridor for a breath of air. There the manager pounces. Accuses us of being non-residents. True, although I stake my claim to room 261. He demands to see my key, which naturally enough can't produce. He threatens to call police. Is he serious? Before we can find out, committee arrives to pacify him. Manager probably annoyed at not being invited to party. Politely we take our leave. One a.m. as we wander through the Bristol rain, wondering where our B&B has moved to. Monday morning, only a few shillings left from ten quid. As expensive weekend, but more than worth it, never enjoyed myself so much before. But it's 360 days to the Manchester con. How can I survive that long? What will I do till then? Maybe should write a novel and send it to Berkley.... [DG] ### C.O.A. ### HENRY BALEN, Flat 4, 8 West Ave, Walthamstow, London :: IAN BAMBRO, Ivy Cottage, Ivy Road, Gosforth, Newcastle upon Tyne, NE3 1DB :: PAUL & JUDY BEGG, 37 Vesper Gate Drive, Kirkstall, Leeds 5 :: TERRY BROOME* (back home before his hospital COA appeared): 230 Hykeham Rd, Lincoln, LN6 8AR :: JOHN BROSNAN*, Flat 2 ("You twit. You left my flat number off--I've been getting letters addressed to `Chris Evans's old flat'...."), 6 Lower Road, Harrow, Middlesex, HA2 0DA :: AVEDON CAROL & ROB HANSEN, 144 Plashet Grove, East Ham, London E.6 :: DAVID ELWORTHY, 19 Cavendish Road, Cambridge, CB1 3AE :: STEVE & ANN GREEN, 33 Scott Rd, Olton, Solihull, W.Midlands, B92 7LQ :: MARK GREENER, 38 Dun- mow Rd, Bishops Stortford, Herts :: ALUN HARRIES, 399 Kingston Road, Raynes Park, London, SW20 8JS :: LEIGH KENNEDY*, 78 High St, Pewsey, Wilts, SN9 5AQ :: PAUL MASON, Top Flat, 19 Rusholme Rd, Putney, London, SW15 3JX :: CAROLINE NEEDHAM, 68a Buxton Road, Disley, nr Stockport, Cheshire SK1 2HE :: MOIRA SHEARMAN, 5 Tipperlinn Road, Edinburgh, EH10 5ET :: PETER SMITH*, 16 Tresta Walk, Woking, Surrey, GU21 4XF :: HELEN STARKEY, 35 Binstead House, Vermont Road, London, SW18 2AD :: *Late entry: sorry. ### EGGCON ### Gosh, it was a fecund event: Conception, held in Leeds on 13-15 Feb to celebrate fifty fertile years of seminal SF cons. Little tadpole-like things writhed all over the convention badges (to Hazel's vast embarrassment), and even escaped to work their evil way with the inexplicable bubbles of the Contrivance '89 bid posters. The Queens Hotel threw itself into the yeasty spirit of the occasion, with a Saturday notice-board offering successive delights in various suites: ENGAGEMENT PARTY. WEDDING RECEPTION. CONCEPTION. (By a grim coincidence this also stuck in my mind as the convention at which British fandom and fanzines discovered AIDS. I'd assumed all these keen-eyed peerers into the future would have been clued-up long ago from years of NEW SCIENTIST articles, but the Government campaign seemed to make a sudden splash in fannish awareness. Just an impression....) Programme? I'm sure there was one somewhere, consisting almost entirely of panels starring Dave Wood, whose vocal chords had been insured by the committee for a sum so minute as to stagger comprehension. The only panel I remember began with an awesomely well-prepared Mal Ashworth introducing the panellists and covering the subject at master's-thesis level for half an hour before allowing the others to say a couple of words; after which, for the remaining 20 minutes, he triumphantly summed up the panel's conclusions. But Conception wasn't very programme-oriented. Instead there was a vast bar in which Rog Peyton furiously denied evil and unspecified rumours allegedly put about by the dirty tricks department of Another SF Distributor; George Airey and Sid Barnes, palaeolithic fans who attended the 1937 Leeds con but lost touch in the War, studied the decadence to which 50 years had brought a once noble conception; Tom Shippey indignantly refused my demeaning offer of a free ANSIBLE; Pam Wells stared shattered into space owing to the fact that all her fanzines in progress (including PULP) had been nicked while still on disk, another first for Britain's electronic criminals; I looked for a toilet down a likely corridor and instead discovered to my terror a door marked STATE REGISTERED CHIROPODIST, which may have inspired Simon Ounsley when at a room party he fondled Lilian Edwards's sensuously green-stockinged foot and said with a misty light in his eyes, "Gosh, it's just like a green Durex." The programme came into its own with two concluding items: Geoff Ryman's "Performance" performance, in which D.West's 36- page fanzine article became a word-perfect monologue delivered in a very strange accent (suggesting neither Geoff Ryman nor D.West), with intermittently type-cast supporting players--such as Linda Pickersgill heavily disguised in a borrowed nightie, as Linda Pickersgill. Vast applause and cries of "Author!" ensued, whereupon it was revealed that D. had hidden in a pub while Geoff performed. Greg Pickersgill got quite excited, jumping up and down with cries of "Every few years there's some event which really makes coming to all these bloody conventions worthwhile!" Judge for yourself when "Performance" opens for its revival season at Conspiracy '87. At a final ceremony, the sense-shattering "Ova Awards" were presented: D. had returned in time for these and with some confidence brought a large carrier-bag marked (in very large letters) AWARDS. The Ovas all had eggy names whose significance appeared in the programme book but not the voting form, causing vast confusion as fans tried in the absence of the former to complete the latter. Simon Ounsley especially got votes in unlikely categories, such as "Best Eastercon": BAD EGG AWARD (worst fannish thing): Simon Ounsley. GOOD EGG (best fannish thing): Linda James, chief Conception organizer. POACHED EGG (most imitated fan): D.West. PICKLED EGG (most drunk): D.West. HARD-BOILED EGG (longest-lasting): Ken Slater. FREE RANGE EGG (most health conscious): Graham James. EGG FLIP: (most sarcastic): Greg Pickersgill. GREEN EGG (best up-and-coming fan): Mike Christie. EGGHEAD (brightest): D. Langford, h'mm. EGG & CRESS (best fannish couple): Stan and Helen Eling. SCRAMBLED EGG (fan you most think should have a sex change): D.West. EASTER EGG (best Eastercon): Yorcon III, held in Leeds, what a coincidence. GOLDEN EGG (all-time best fanzine): HYPHEN. ALL OVER THE CEILING AWARD (most over-the-top fan): Greg Pickersgill. FULL ENGLISH BREAKFAST (best all-round fan): Linda Pickersgill. SUNNY- SIDE UP (best American): Rochelle Dorey. PLATYPUS EGG (best Australian): Justin Ackroyd. GOLDEN LAY (fan you'd most like to wake up by): Sherry Francis. KEDGEREE (most indigestible fan- zine): CRYSTAL SHIP, tch-tch. PHOENIX (best fan to rise from the ashes): Mal Ashworth, who I thought was busy sinking into them. Fan Guest of Honour was also an elective post. The finger of democracy pointed at Vince Clarke: instead of the plastic egg received by other winners, he got a diabolically sticky confection (manufactured at seconds' notice by Hazel Ashworth) whose sugary malignity could tweak your fillings at 100 yards' range. He loved it. Other fans seemed happy too. Hey, everyone, let's do it again in 2037? ### MORE BORING OLD AWARDS ### 1986 BSFA AWARDS will probably have been dished out by the time many of you see this, ie. at Easter; the shortlist is or was: NOVEL SCHISMATRIX (Sterling), THE RAGGED ASTRONAUTS (Shaw), QUEEN OF THE STATES (Saxton), COUNT ZERO (Gollancz), BLOOD MUSIC (Bear). SHORT "Jingling Geordie's Hole" (Watson), "And He Not Busy Being Born" (Stableford), "Kaeti and the Hangman" (Roberts), "The Winter Market" (Gibson). MEDIA REANIMATOR, OVERDRAWN AT THE MEMORY BANK, MR PYE, DR WHO: TRIAL OF A TIMELORD, ALIENS. ART "Screaming of the Beetle" (SMS), "The Clocktower Girl" (Roberts), and three INTERZONE covers: 15 (Lyon), 16 (Burns), 17 (Avon). CLARKE NOVEL AWARD: Chris Priest relates harrowing tales of trying to fix John Clute's word processor while downstairs came the crash of breaking glass and furniture as the award committee made its amicable decision between THE HANDMAID'S TALE (Atwood), EON (Bear), STARS IN MY POCKET LIKE etc. (Delany), ESCAPE PLANS (Jones -- "I'm still waiting for a critic to have the courage to admit it's unreadable," said a jaded editor and Worldcon chair), THE MEMORY OF WHITENESS (Robinson), THE RAGGED ASTRONAUTS (Shaw) and GREEN EYES (Shepherd). HUGOS: "God how I hate the Hugos," writes impartial ballot counter Paul Kincaid. "Day after day ploughing through mountains of nominations for books I wouldn't give house room. Oh and how the crap floats to the top. I can already predict the way the final ballot will go, in all but a couple of the categories, and the thought is not inspiring." The world postal service duly cocked up ballot distribution, and heroic Conspirators have mailed several thousand extra nomination forms to be returned by an extended 1 May deadline. Will the new flood of response cheer Mr Kincaid and thwart the subversive Wellington-meeting activities of David "Write down the name of my story HERE and give this form to Kincaid" Garnett? NEBULA novel finalists include unexpectedly good stuff: COUNT ZERO (Gibson), FREE LIVE FREE (Wolfe), THE HANDMAID'S TALE (Atwood), THE JOURNAL OF NICHOLAS THE AMERICAN (Kennedy) SPEAKER FOR THE DEAD (Card), THIS IS THE WAY THE WORLD ENDS (Morrow). Nice to see fame coming to Leigh Kennedy, who for some reason does NOT appreciate the remark "I suppose you'll be withdrawing it, of course?" STURGEON AWARD: another memorial award, this time for short stories; to be selected by committee and presented at the U of Kansas. Masterminds: Jayne Sturgeon, James Gunn. ### A, B, C AND OTHER LETTERS ### AVEDON CAROL: "Here's a piece of strange news: Since Judy-Lynn died, Lester Del Rey apparently has a new plan, called `integrity'. He had the first option on Marion Bradley's new book, bound to be a big seller since it's the next book in the series of which the first book was a best seller, but he didn't like it so he didn't buy it. Naturally, the other publishers went nuts bidding for it and so Bradley picked up some serious money on it, but hey, Lester isn't interested in any more books he doesn't like." MIKE COBLEY, Britain's Mr Cyberpunk, was incensed by Chris Evans's A48 speech: "Having insidiously isolated `cyberpunk' from generally accepted literary values, he then tries hacking it to pieces... What Sterling, Gibson, Shirley etc. have in common is not an ideology. Rather it is a philosophical hands-on approach to exploring/explaining effects of technology on society and vice-versa, and the consequences of both. With its notable lack of technophobia (which is a long way from technolatry) cyberpunk is a radical mode of expression the potential of which we have not even begun to realize." There's more, eg. a charge that by not forming a Group to be a rallying-point, Messrs Evans, Priest ET AL caused the lack of new UK authors (tell that to Gwyneth Jones or Iain Banks); but the quoted bit is the core of Mike's letter. It sounds exactly like one of John W.Campbell's early puffs for Dianetics. Some critical reasoning meatier than this or Rudy Rucker's weird ideas of objective literary standards based on information density ("I read a great phone directory last week") is needed to refute Chris's mild suggestion that like "New Wave", "cyberpunk" is just a label slapped on a lot of independent--though in many cases triffic--authors. Plug: try Mike's SHARK TACTICS, a polemical SF broadsheet resembling a UK CHEAP TRUTH (18 Athole Gdns, Hillhead, Glasgow, G12 9BA). ### CONDOM: SOME UPDATES ONLY ### KOANCON '87 (31 July - 2 Aug, Coventry Polytechnic): fannish games con. #22 residential, #7 non-res to Top Flat, 19 Rusholme Rd, London, SW15 3JX. GoH Paul "Warhammer" Cockburn. CONSPIRACY '87 (45th Worldcon, 27 Aug - 2 Sept, Brighton) now costs #38/$65 att, to 31 July (no postal bookings after then); day membership #10/$15 per day in advance, #15+ at the door. Which famous skiffy editors complained bitterly about not receiving booking forms, only for a grovelling committee to find they hadn't bought memberships? I name no names, not even B*va or W*llheim. EUROCON '87 has been hopping about wildly, to the dismay of French fans: after skipping from July in Perpignan to May in Montpellier, it's bounced back to 29 Oct - 1 Nov, same town. Details: 112 de Toulouse, F-34000 Montpellier, France. NOVACON 17 (30 Oct - 1 Nov, Royal Anguish Hotel, Brum): GoH Iain Banks, mundane alias of new space-opera author Iain M.Banks. #8 to end of Eastercon, #10 to 29 Oct, to 7 Grove Ave, Acocks Green, Birmingham, B27 7UY. This special offer of a con is open to the first 350 applicants only. 1989 EASTERCON: Contrivance (63 Duke Road, Chessington, Surrey) whose venue is the Hotel de France, Jersey, seems to be the only bid despite the fleeting appearance of flyers for Yorcon 4 at the Queens Hotel, Leeds. ### OBIT. ### TERRY CARR died on 7 April, with shocking unexpectedness: his fiftieth birthday was only this February. (Diabetes seems to have been a major part of the problem.) I'd just been reading his fine fanwriting collection FANDOM HARVEST... but the pro scene too suddenly looks a lot bleaker without the man who wrote CIRQUE plus those few exemplary short stories, waded fearlessly through garbage to collect the most reliable of Year's Best SF anthologies, and redirected modern SF with his two series of Ace Specials. Even through long-range contact via occasional fanzines and rejection slips, Terry was unmistakably one of the Good Guys. There are so few. Also: THEODORE COGSWELL of "Wall Around The World" fame (3 Feb, aged 68). JOHN D.MACDONALD, who died at 70 on 28 Dec, may not have written a lot of SF (though the Thorne Smithish novel THE GIRL, THE GOLD WATCH AND EVERYTHING is deservedly popular)... but hordes of fans confessed addiction to his colourful "Travis McGee" thrillers: top-class adventure fiction needs no genre labels. Steve Green writes "Just heard that PATRICK TROUGHTON died over the weekend (28/29 March) whilst at a Dr Who con in the States. It wasn't so much the loss to the thespian community which struck me, but the sudden mental image of all those Who fans standing around the corpse, wondering whether he'd manage to metamorphose into his new body in time for the GoH speech." Outraged letters may be directed to Steve's new address: see COA. ### STAR TREK IV: THE FILM REVIEW (ANDREW STEPHENSON) ### The fourth Trek film, ingeniously titled STAR TREK IV for hyper- numerate US cine-goers but renamed THE VOYAGE HOME for us word- bound Limeys, opened in London on 10 April. So the average ANSIBLE reader will already have decided the virtues of its 1 hour 59 minutes, if Uncle Dave keeps to his usual publishing schedule: I'll minimize the consumer advice in favour of philosophical generalities. When reviewing THE WRATH OF KHAN for A28, I speculated on Paramount's plans for the Trek universe. Though not too far off on the whole, I did go badly adrift in suggesting that TWOK would be "the last of the old-style stories" and that cast changes were imminent. Ignoring me entirely, the old-style storyline forged ahead in THE SEARCH FOR SPOCK and now continues where that left off--even to the extent of a "story so far" sequence. Moreover, the main characters persist, long after some ought to have hung up their uniforms, while minor characters once suspected of being groomed for prominence play little real part. Interestingly, the gradual dilution of the format, painfully evident in later TV episodes (eg. Spock's greater emotionalism), has been corrected quite savagely here and there. Have Paramount decided to revert to the older format? If so, how will they reconcile the style of later films with the new TV series, of which one hears grim tales, such as that it will hearken back to the very earliest concept of ST as WAGON TRAIN in space? Gossip suggests a fifth film coming, with perhaps more to follow. The USS ENTERPRISE is with us again, Kirk's in his commander's chair, the Klingons are seething and all's right with the world. The implications for screened SF could be good or bad, dep- ending on what Paramount's moguls decide to do with their pro- duct. If they choose quality storytelling, one hopes the consequent success will encourage other producers to revive TV SF. If they go for the soft option of the lowest common denominator, it won't be long before yet another production company has dismissed screened SF as unprofitable. Frankly, I'm not hopeful, recalling the past witless behaviour of so many media decision makers. What of this particular story? Fresh from rescuing the renewed Spock from the Genesis planet, Kirk and friends head for Earth in their captured Klingon ship to face a court martial. Happily-- and no reason other than plot convenience is ever really offered- -an alien probe of immense power (a common hazard in the ST universe) has chosen this moment to arrive in Earth orbit and stir up the atmosphere in a manner liable to cause serious unhappiness at Lloyd's. Before long it transpires that it wants a chat with Earth's hump-backed whales and is unaware of these side-effects produced by its means of communication.... The snag is, the last hump-backed whale was exterminated by humans some considerable time ago, so it seems the visitor will continue its fruitless attempts at gossip, wiping out Earth's human life in turn. Well, do you need me to tell you that Kirk & Co are equal to the job? Heck, no. They pile in with a will, travel back in time to San Francisco of the late 20th century, and manage to work something out. Most of this is great fun and consistent with the tone of the TV series, even down to the embarrassing moral lectures. If you can cope with lapses into bathos and a few weirdly obtrusive cultural references, there's much to enjoy: Spock masquerading as an ageing hippie; Scottie getting to grips with a manually driven computer; McCoy driven to distraction by the medical barbarities of our time; Chekov innocently asking a suspicious traffic cop for directions to the nearest nuclear warship, his "Russian" accent thick enough to spread on bread; and so on. The fans will love it. A strong comedy element pervades TVH; the scripting holds several delights. Nimoy's direction is businesslike, extracting competent performances from a good cast, though a slight dullness of visual imagination is evident. Certain scenes and characters are included just for series continuity. And the old crew continues to age, some more gracefully than others, while the producers show few signs of recruiting a new shift to take over the command deck.... Not a bad film. I may even go to see it again, paying honest coin this time. [AMS] ### INFINITELY IMPROBABLE ### DEPT. OF I NEVER THOUGHT THEY REALLY SAID IT: "It [Aldiss's ENEMIES OF THE SYSTEM] contrives to be rich, allusive, full of real people, and unfailingly interesting. It is not, then, real SF." (Anthony Burgess, HOMAGE TO QWERT YUIOP) FAN FUNDS: Jeanne Gomoll, to whom congratulations, won TAFF after savage hand-to-hand struggle by administrators G. Pickers- gill (UK) and P&T Nielsen Hayden (US). The first count went Gomoll 132, Glicksohn 77, Lichtman 46, Bowers 31, Brown 28 and Hold Over Funds 3. After the weird intricacies of the modified Australian ballot, this settled down to Gomoll 202, Glicksohn 112, No Further Preference 5. Jeanne thus attends Conspiracy as revered TAFF delegate, but (every silver lining has its cloud) also takes over the US administration for an exciting two years of fund-raising and letters from Puerto Rico. Her address: Box 1443, Madison, WI 53701-1443, USA. The Nielsen Haydens leave us with this awesome question: "What cosmically-attuned mental processes enabled dozens of fans to take scissors in hand and detach the bottom third of the TAFF ballot before sending it to us, carefully following the dotted line just above the words SEND THE ENTIRE BALLOT--DO NOT DETACH?" Meanwhile, GUFF: Irwin and Wendy Hirsh are trying to make new contacts with UK and (especially) Continental fans for their coming visit here. See masthead for address. GROUP GROPES: (1) KIMOTA, a newsletter, nervously prints nothing about who edits it, where he lives, or which local group is involved. Try 1 Northgate, Goosnargh, nr. Preston. (2) Waltham Forest & District fan meetings: consult Henry Balen, 01 509 2331 or as COA. (3) Staffen, St Albans group, meets at Shires Pub, St Pancreas Station, 2nd Monday each month (8pm or so). SERIOUS & CONSTRUCTIVE.... SAMUEL DELANY says THE SPLENDOUR AND MISERY OF BODIES, OF CITIES (sequel to STARS IN MY POCKET LIKE BODILY FLUIDS) is "in the publication process", ie. he's delivered it, a couple of years overdue. But Avedon Carol warns: "The two biggest booksellers in the US (60% of the market, together) are not carrying any new books by Delany. Why? `He's writing GAY CONTENT now.' I understand one of those chains is also refusing any work from Tanith Lee and Barbara Hambly." Same alleged reason, but in Hambly you have to search bloody hard.... DAVID PRINGLE is now SF consultant to Simon & Schuster UK, whose next 100 SF novel choices are thus assured.... FANTASY REVIEW tempts potential customers (me) with glowing promises of its wonderfulness and offers of a no-strings-attached free copy which (I am assured) will so blow my little scientifictional mind as to make me a devoted subscriber. "Goshwow," I wrote, "rush me my free ticket to lifelong addiction at once!" Quick as a flash they responded with... an invoice for $27.95 worth of subscription. JONATHAN WYLIE, the author of yet another "compelling fantasy trilogy" from Corgi, turns out to be a husband-and-wife team of professional SF/fantasy editors at (guess where?) Corgi.... The most interesting aspect of CLIVE BARKER'S #500,000 deal (in which Collins poached him from Sphere) was listening to Malcolm Edwards morbidly calculating the likelihood of such an advance being recouped, his probability estimate being a breakthrough in the mathematics of the infinitesimal.... VILE MISREPRESENTATION! A coweringly anonymous source near the One Tun bar demands eye-witness correction of the shock horror item reported last issue: "It wasn't so much the arm round the shoulder as his tongue down his boyfriend's throat that clinched it. I mean, bloody hell, they were French kissing at the bar for half a subjective hour...." Updates on the Wellington move: Hitcher fans will be following when the date outstrips their pre- advertised Tun meetings, but erstwhile tutelary spirit Frank Arnold is staying put (with a select few pals), being annoyed that the decision to move was unilaterally taken by everyone else in his absence (he'd gone home). Mould-breaking Bernie Peek has started a new visitors' book for the Welly. Advice for the easily confused: when trying to find the Wellington on the first Thursday evening of each month, do not head north, south, east, or west from the main British Rail concourse at Waterloo. The true path leads downward, into a hole in the middle of the station.... "WHY IS ANSIBLE 49 SO THIN?" lisps the puling reader. My energies were drained by preparing a collection of Langford fanwriting for the Worldcon, running to 38,000 words... argh! HAZEL'S LANGUAGE LESSONS: KLAMATH (for the Masquerade) sawyasga, puts a long object in front of one's genitals ...a common response to ANSIBLE 49, FROM 94 LONDON ROAD, READING, UK, RG1 5AU [Ends] ANSIBLE 50, 1987: PLEASE NOTE that this old ANSIBLE is a bit of history. Addresses may have changed (though the editor's hasn't), prices and agents' credits are invalid, and so now are the e-mail and telex contact points below. Dave Langford, ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk, 1993. ============================================================= ANSIBLE 50 AUGUST/SEPTEMBER 1987 ISSN 0265-9816 "Not nearly as controversial as its reputation belies," says the hard-hitting BRITISH FANTASY NEWSLETTER of the blandness you hold in your hand... from DAVE LANGFORD, 94 LONDON ROAD, READING, BERKSHIRE, RG1 5AU, UK. (Electronic mail to Telecom Gold 81:TWH152, telex 265451 MONREF G quoting 81:TWH152 in the first line; none of this is of the slightest use, I'm just showing off.) What of the future? As Alfred Bester once wrote, "The Future is Tekon", and little more can be added. Chuck Harris suggests that besides the promised irregular and whimsical distribution, rich idiots should be allowed to subscribe at #1.50 or $3 a copy. OK if that's what you want: the point of the change is that with my current workload I can't pretend to run a regular, frequent or comprehensive SF newsletter, and not even rich idiots are likely to get one. US agents: Mary & Bill Burns, 23 Kensington Court, Hempstead, NY 11550. Aussie agent: Irwin Hirsh, 2/416 Dandenong Rd, North Caulfield, Vic 3161. Language Lesson from Sue Thomason. Print run 600 and falling. Thanks to MATRIX, Q and SF CHRONICLE for news oddments, and to the latter's readers for two awards.... ============================================================= ### RUNNING DOWN: THE ME COLUMN ### I remember less than I should about the burning issues of British fandom CIRCA 1987. The low-key Rubicon has shrunk to a single stark memory of David Brin and Avedon Carol in the hotel lounge, furiously debating the fitness to live of the Governor of California, while behind them an opportunistic committee moved up chairs and indicated by furtive gestures that this was the day's programme item. At Easter, Beccon produced violently polarized opinions: it was unutterably boring, dull and bad (and certainly I seem to have spent a much higher than average percentage of my time wandering around looking for something happening), it was wondrous and brilliant beyond compare (and certainly there were several nifty items). There hadn't been enough allowance for the depletion of Eastercon in a British Worldcon year, and the convention rattled around in a fairly vast venue, while much lightweight padding was needed to fill the innumerable programme tracks. Imagine the spleen of Alan Dorey on finding that his Alan Dorey Quiz was merely the latest of six full hours of quiz programming. Good bits that I noticed: the bizarre Oriental kung-fu fantasy horror flicks, the fireworks, about three speeches, the fan room parties (at the Holland/LA bidding party I found myself explaining at mendacious length to Mike Glyer that ANSIBLE's vastly greater coverage of the Dutch bid was a mere statistical anomaly; such was the bonhomie of the occasion that he almost tried to believe me), the real beer, the cheap and acceptable hotel snack food, and a few offbeat programme items (like the Ian Sorensen/Malcolm Hodkin comedy duo which momentarily brought a thin smile to even my withered lips). Not-so-good bits: the truncation of the fireworks (first toned down at the request of resident Saudi Arabian royalty, then halted altogether merely because blazing embers were cascading on the breakfast marquee--"The committee just got cold feet," said angry fuse-wielder Martin Hoare, "and the marquee was going to be taken down in a few weeks anyway." Chris Atkinson, newly recruited to the ranks of pyromania, complained of DETONATUS INTERRUPTUS), the early drought of real beer, the near- inaccessibility of restaurants from the remote National Exhibition Centre fastnesses, and a ghastly moment at the awards ceremony. There was Bob Shaw, who'd incautiously been telling everyone all weekend how he'd appreciate votes for the BSFA award (which he won). There was Paul Kincaid presenting the new Arthur C.Clarke award, all #1000 of it, and saying approximately: "The judging committee really did find it incredibly hard to decide, but in the end we realized we were unanimous. Bob Shaw's THE RAGGED ASTRONAUTS impressed us hugely as a tremendous book--" [Bob begins to rise from his seat] "and we're commending it ever so highly, while giving the loot to Margaret Attwood's THE HANDMAID'S TALE!" [Applause. Collapse of Irish party. Ouch.] The NEC's principal bar had its moments (when the main approach wasn't closed off to become the fan room), but the decor caused pain to sensitive drinkers and gave insight into the horrid hearts of hotel folk. This was the "Library" bar, you see, containing shelves of actual printed books, all with half-inch holes bored through their middles so they could be threaded on dowel rods and protected from being read. (Overheard there.... John Brunner, reading in A49 that STAND ON ZANZIBAR proofs were offered at $2500, said: "Oh goody, I sold it to him and was promised half his profit, so that's another $750 if it sells." Gamma asserted: "I'm now SF consultant for Sphere." Dave Hodson insinuated: "Gamma says Richard Lewis' underpants are too tight." Greg Pickersgill, qualifying a remark on his good wife's youthfulness, barked: "Well, she's young compared to Arthur Cruttenden." Helen McCarthy explained: "There are no interesting media conventions this year, since we cancelled ours." Hazel gasped: "It was an incredible film, they showed the reels in the wrong order because they were labelled in Chinese, but it didn't matter, there were all these hysterical kung-fu hopping zombies...." Ian Sorensen confided: "Jim Barker doesn't draw any cartoons these days. He's just an ideas man now, he pays a YTS trainee to do the drawing.") The bidding for the 1988 and 1989 conventions (see below) established that one phrase is now the kiss of death for an Eastercon bid. Prospective committees can drone on about soft toys or tourism opportunities, but should steer well clear of committing themselves to "science fiction." VERB. SAP. The things that fill my working days and blot out convention memories are for the most part deeply boring: three monthly magazine columns, for example. One, the "Critical Mass" SF review spot in WHITE DWARF, brings much feedback from mingy fans who read this bit and then put the magazine back on the newsagent's rack, not wishing to buy anything so uncool as a games rag. Now you can all read the first 50 columns in a A4 softcover volume, with an index: well over 60,000 words of thrillingly ephemeral reports on the soiled masses of prose which passed through my protesting forebrain between 1983 and 1987. CRITICAL ASSEMBLY was a mite expensive to produce and will cost you #10 or $20 (post free). No--to forestall you--it isn't worth it, but buy it anyway. Which brings me to other Langford volumes about which some of you have asked, you fools. In hardback, the non-fiction WAR IN 2080 (futurological weaponry, etc), AN ACCOUNT OF A MEETING WITH DENIZENS OF ANOTHER WORLD, 1871 (Victorian UFOs) and FACTS & FALLACIES: A BOOK OF DEFINITIVE MISTAKES AND MISGUIDED PREDICTIONS can be yours for #4 each, post free. In paperback, choose between THE SPACE EATER (hardish SF) and THE LEAKY ESTABLISHMENT (undisguised autobiography) at #2.75 each. Don't forget THE TRANSATLANTIC HEARING AID, the TAFF report of which major ANSIBLE editors have said "Pardon?"--a snip at #2.25, proceeds to TAFF. Review copies also on sale! I seem to have some more small-press notes here. Chris Priest emerges from long silence with THE LAST DEADLOSS VISIONS, an essay about the 16-year history of a famous though still unpub- lished Harlan Ellison anthology. "Trade" edition #2, bound "coll- ector's" edition #5, from 78 High St, Pewsey, Wilts, SN9 5AQ: as a feeble defence against possible litigation, this is "Not for sale in the USA." There are a million scurrilous stories about THE LAST DANGEROUS VISIONS--you know, so-and-so "was actually in Ellison's office, listening to him phoning the publishers to say the complete package was in the mail, while the cardboard box of manuscripts still sat on his floor...." Chris avoids these hearsay distractions, traces the damning record of actual documented facts, and offers a solid piece of journalism (26 A4 pages, small print) which--without invective--is also a devastating hatchet-job. Is it necessary? Fans may regard "TLDV" as a joke, but many of the 100+ contributors feel sour about having thrown their best efforts into this black hole. Others (20%) are dead. DEADLOSS asks "how it will end", and gives constructive answers.... MY HEART LEAPS UP is the autobiography of R.A.Lafferty, which reads as dottily as his novels. Chris Drumm is issuing the book as lots of his nifty Drumm Booklets, two chapters at a time. Two chunks out so far, ch 1-2 and ch 3-4: each $2.75 from PO Box 445, Polk City, Iowa 50226. Good stuff. SWEDE ISHES collects 10 chunks of Swedish fanwriting, determinedly lightweight articles which I suspect have lost in the translation: there are funny lines, but often the humour doesn't quite get off the ground. John-Henri Holmberg steals the show with a "Carl Brandon" memoir, originally written in English. #1 (or $1 plus IRC) to Ahrvid Engholm, Renstiernas Gata 29, S-116 31 Stockholm, Sweden; proceeds to "a new SEFF", of which--I regret--more below. CONCATENATION, ed. Jon Cowie (see COA) and Tony Chester, was distributed free around Easter and represents another attempt at a "yearbook" for British SF/fandom. Much effort has gone into financing this via ads and sponsorship, with a print run of 2000. Its contents are rather eccentric, with random SF coverage embedded in an unstylish imitation of NEW SCIENTIST (a low point being the tongue-in-cheek formality of NS's "Ariadne" column: the CONCATENATION version is dismally pompous). Having launched their pilot issue in what looks like a bit too much haste, the dynamic duo can--I hope--take more time over the next, and remember that (a) even exciting news items fall flat when flatly written; (b) when doing a review of the SF year which covers only six books, it is not convincing when one of this highly select few is a "Retief" squib from Keith Laumer; (c) fans interested in tiny snippets of science news probably read them weekly in NEW SCIENTIST: a yearbook should be made of weightier stuff.... Where does one go for regular, frequent British SF news? The boring old BSFA is worth a look, now that Maureen Porter has vastly expanded the news pages of MATRIX: for a year's worth, rush your #10 to the BSFA, 33 Thornville Rd, Hartlepool, Cleveland, TS26 8EW. Meanwhile, Novacon should see the launch of CRITICAL WAVE from Steve Green and Martin Tudor. "Imagine an SF supplement to the GUARDIAN and you might be part of the way there," says Steve, indicating that CW will contain typos if nothing else. "No way would we get away with some of the stuff you print," he flatteringly adds, leaving me wondering. A 500- copy print run; 10pp per bimonthly issue; no price yet, but as October looms you might ask Steve at 33 Scott Rd, Olton, Solihull, B92 7LQ. IZZARD is merely the best "conventional" (i.e. duplicated) fanzine I've had this year--fat and unsummarizable. P&T Nielsen Hayden, 75 Fairview (2D), New York, NY 10040, USA. ### THE USUAL LETTERS OF COMPLAINT ### BRUCE STERLING: "I send you this missive in the probably vain but earnest hope that it will spare me from the ANSIBLE address-list purge. How else am I to receive such vital on-line input as the Chris Evans A48 Speech, since xeroxed and distributed as a kind of Object Lesson within Yankee `post-modernist' circles. Morbid as it must have been for his audience, this speech is an intensely cheering document! `Say--I always thought cyberpunk sucked, but consider the alternative--we could have ended up like Chris Evans!' "While critics might quail at the thought of pronouncing G.Jones's ESCAPE PLANS "unreadable", the following conversation took place in New York during Nebula weekend: "(Scene: Tiny office in gigantic Manhattan megalith.) "STERLING: Hmm, see you have DIVINE ENDURANCE here... ever read ESCAPE PLANS? "PROMINENT "PROGRESSIVE" EDITOR (eyes lighting up): What a great fucking book! "STERLING (pleased): That's the True Quill, isn't it? Talk about "crammed prose"--wow! "PPE: Yeah! Sure wish I could publish it.... "STERLING: .... "PPE: Of course, the five hundred people here hip enough to appreciate it can buy it from Mark Ziesing." [The tasteful "suck" idiom reminds me that US visitors to Conspiracy will enjoy our current vacuum cleaner posters: "NOTHING SUCKS LIKE AN ELECTROLUX!" DRL] DENNIS VIRZI: "Bruce Sterling continues to compliment your efforts each time he tears up your latest issue on the SMOF BBS bulletin board under his guise as `Jules Verne'--he says you have `a BAD attitude'. I don't know what that means." HARRY HARRISON: "What's this Langford! Putting STATUS DODGY on my ANSIBLE label. I give you cheques, pound notes, tips, dirty items. Dodgy my arse! Just to prove it--here is a goody. Perhaps the end of the biggest bumsucking act of all time. Hark! "In the Observer book page [April], there are some SF books sneered at by one John Clute. He appears to like a collection of short stories by--guess who? Someone named Watson. Whom he refers to as `...fecund Ian Watson.' "Well! Eric Partridge in ORIGINS: A SHORT ETYMOLOGICAL DICT- IONARY OF MODERN ENGLISH lists `fecund' under `female'. Already Clute is in trouble. The word is defined as `essential physical femineity' giving us the Latin `fecundus... of land, crops, females, fertile.' And the FE root of the word also appears in felicitate and fetus and rests upon the old Indo-European root *DHE- which means--wait for it--'to give suck to'. Is Clute trying to tell us that Watson is a pregnant cow? Or perhaps he means he is a fetal sucker or... the mind boggles at all the possibilities. "Legal proceedings in the offing." [US visitors to Conspiracy will enjoy... hang on, we seem to have covered this territory. DRL] BRIAN ALDISS: "I think you made up that bit about the Journal of the Daventry Institute of Caprine Studies, since JDICS doesn't sound at all memorable. However, I assume you didn't make up the bit about the death of Theodore Cogswell. "It's a shame to let a good man go without a good word. Ted would have liked you, or maybe vice versa. He was famous in fanac as in more legitimate pursuits. As you delicately hint in ANSIBLE, he did write `Wall Around the World'. He also edited a notorious fanzine, PITFCS. pronounced `Pitfucks', reputedly the Proceedings of the Institute for Twenty-First Century Studies. In the early 60s, anyone who was anyone wrote to PITFCS, as did some who weren't. "When he died, Ted was working on a collected edition of PITFCS for hardcover publication. I hope someone can see this project through; it will form a valuable social document for our times. "I hope I'm not giving you ideas. How's your health?" ARTHUR HLAVATY: "I'm not sure if Avedon's been misinformed about the big book chains banning Delany, Hambly ET AL for all- eged gay content, or if news of such things reaches England before it reaches North Carolina, but the local [North Carolina] B.Dalton's and Waldenbooks not only haven't kicked those miscreants out, but they've got big display bins of the latest Rita Mae Brown right up front." [Rita Mae who? Oh god, another cultural gap. DRL] PATRICK NIELSEN HAYDEN: "It's the new Neveryon book, not THE SPLENDOUR AND MISERY OF BODIES, OF CITIES, which is `in the publication process': entitled THE BRIDGE OF LOST DESIRE, it should be out as a hardcover from Arbor House late this fall. Contents: a new novella, other new Neveryon fiction, a revised version of `The Tale of Gorgik' from TALES OF NEVERYON (1979), and a lengthy critical essay by Chip's critical alter ego `K.Leslie Steiner'. THE SPLENDOUR AND MISERY, on the other hand, has been `stalled on page 161 for several months', according to Chip in a phone call ten minutes ago. [That particular item came from a bundle of computer-net gossip forwarded by Peter Mabey: the writer was a fan who claimed to have "personally spoken" to Chip Delany and heard this. Never trust a hacker. DRL] MALCOLM EDWARDS: "I can't believe Avedon's theory about Del Rey. Corporate publishers don't give editors that much autonomy with best-selling authors; CF del Rey's well publicized falling- out with Stephen Donaldson, where Ballantine went to great lengths to find him a more sympathetic editor (their Subsidiary Rights Director, as it turned out)." MARTIN MORSE WOOSTER confirms: ""Secrets from the Del Rey Files". It turns out that, in Judy-Lynn's last years, the house of Del Rey had THREE major editors. Judy-Lynn handled SF; Lester handled fantasy; and an anonymous junior editor was detailed to spend her time exclusively editing the mighty Stephen R.Donaldson. My mole reports that Donaldson's copy was so vile that Lester refused to touch it, delegating all responsibility to sub-editors. (Donaldson is on a special shortlist of writers whose work Lester can't stand, but whom he bought Because They Sold. Other writers on this select list are Terry Brooks and Piers Anthony.) ""Special Interests Department". David Brin has reaped mighty rewards from THE POSTMAN. US postal unions are selling the book through union mail-order catalogues, and one union even presented Brian with a huge crystal goblet at their annual convention. `I've got to find another special interest to pander to,' Brin says.... ""Moorcock Censorship Horror"! US fans waiting for Michael Moorcock's FANTASY: THE 100 BEST NOVELS will have to wait a while longer. The book has been delayed until the spring of 1988 because of US publisher Carroll and Graf's insistence that Moorcock remove three novels--including THE STORY OF O--from his `best' list on the ground that they're pornographic. `Libraries will never buy a book advocating filth,' this publisher reportedly said. No word as to Moorcock's reaction; maybe the British edition of the book could be traded to US fans for copies of SPYCATCHER.... [ANSIBLE's roving drinker Martin Hoare visited Philadelphia recently and picked up some copies of the book Maggie Thatcher doesn't want us to read. "You must be English," they said at the bookshop. "Nobody buys this thing except tourists and political science students." I was able to confirm my suspicion that MI5 activities consist wholly of elderly chaps forever asking each other whether in 1935 they'd been blackmailed into becoming homosexuals.... DRL] CHRIS PRIEST: "You shouldn't feel obliged to include all this tedious stuff in ANSIBLE. You're not the Congressional Record. Why print boring letters from Martin Morse Wooster?" NEIL GAIMAN: "The August KNAVE book review column is the all- integrity issue in which a number of authors get to review their own books. These include Brosnan reviewing WORM, and JohnPaul GrantBarnett reviewing both his ADVANCED TRIVIA QUIZ BOOK and something called EARTHDOOM! (which he wrote with some other bloke).... "I had a phone call from my editor at TODAY. She said she expected I knew all about Dungeons & Dragons. I hastily claimed more knowledge than I actually possess, scenting the possibility of writing a huge article on D&D. Then she told me what the article would be: an expose in which my task would be to find people whose lives had been destroyed, who had gone bankrupt or become obsessed by Black Magic, who had committed acts of appalling violence, or died, as a result of their connection with D&D, or reading WHITE DWARF, or whatever. This is apparently in response to US Moral Majority complaints about D&D being a Satanist tool or something. I declined to help. [Footnote: when Ian Pemble was editor, KNAVE published much SF/humour by writers known in fandom. Neil's book column is now the last remnant of this era, the current editor having decided that too much literacy and wit might alienate the readership.... I asked WHITE DWARF coven leader Mike Brunton if he'd been exposed lately, and he tearfully confessed to "a phone call from a journalist (I use the word in its loosest possible sense) from the SUNDAY SPORT, looking for an I THREW MYSELF OUT OF A WINDOW WHILE WEARING REMARKABLY FEW CLOTHES AT A GAY NUNS IN BONDAGE D&D PARTY story. Never having been invited to such a do, I couldn't help. Why do other people have interesting lives?"] DAVID S.GARNETT: "Comrade Hugo Nominee.... When I saw you on the Thursday before the trivial General Election voting, you mentioned that you might be issuing another ANSIBLE before the really important voting: the Hugos. If so, and if you're unwilling to reprint `Still Life' as I requested, maybe you could run an unpaid advert (with your inimitable witty and astute editorial comments, of course) as follows: `If, before giving "Still Life" their first place Hugo vote, anyone would like to read the story, a copy can be had in exchange for a 9"x6" envelope, stamped to the value of 26p, from David Garnett....' Not that I expect anyone to bother. I probably stand more chance if no one does. "Nelson at Waterloo, Wellington at Trafalgar (or was it Trafalgar at the Wellington?), Montgomery at El Alamein, Sandie Shaw at the Eurovision Song Contest--next on this honourable roll of glittering British victories is Brighton '87! "Asimov, Bear, Kelly, Springer--I wonder if any of them are Scientologists?" [Most of the above seems to have something to do with the short story Hugo. I think. DRL] MAL ASHWORTH sent a change of address for "history's very latest neo-capitalist, idle nouveau riche D. (for Denarii) West, who nowadays talks more of Unit Trusts than of Hugo Nominations.... And then, of course, there's a COA for the Leeds Group As A Hole. Country cousins or not, we couldn't let the London lot get away with exojetsetting from the One Tun without doing something about it, so we moved too--no, not to the One Tun but to the Griffin. This is on Boar Lane, even nearer to the railway station than is the West Riding, but in the other direction (turn RIGHT when you come out of the station). The beer is 6p a pint dearer but you get a better class of hangover, as well as armchairs. So unprecedentedly popular has this move proved that even Michael Ashley has reappeared from under the van which removed a certain portion of his dental portfolio. (Consequently, when we have exhausted the subject of Unit Trusts we talk quite a lot about teeth. It is an experience not to be missed, watching someone who still has L plates on his new false set trying to snarl and still keep the unaccustomed autonomous Hampstead Heath in their allotted places. Oh, we are a zany crowd.) "Who is this `palaeolithic fan' `Sid Barnes' you report as turning up at Conception? I was unofficially in charge of Old Fart Liaison at the affair and I didn't meet `Sid Barnes'. The only `Sid Barnes' I have subsequently encountered is in a Vince Clarke write-up of Conception in the Daventry-published Proceedings of the Innermost Temple of the Most Secret Order of the Amazingly Elite Corps of the Purest of the Distilled Trufans of All Ages. Now Vince, if you haven't sussed, is a darling man but lives in a parallel universe to the rest of us, inhabited by shadowy creatures with names like `Rachel Dorey' and `Sid Barnes' etc. For accredited primary sources, that is to say, Vincent is definitely not your man. But, for the historical record of THIS universe, there WAS at Conception a palaeolithic fan, long-time friend of George Airey, by the name of BERT WARNES. And I know he's real--at 77, he's probably considerably more real than I am- -because he has just, at my request, produced a short article in appreciation of early 30s fan Douglas Mayer.... [I eagerly await the 2000-word sequel to Mal's letter, which will remind us of WHEN the Leeds Group meets.] GEORGE HAY: "Copy attached of Virago handout re Arthur C. Clarke Award. This handout was supposed to be available and promoted at the time of Fred Clarke's official presentation to Margaret Attwood at the Shaw Theatre. In fact there was no sign of it; outside Fred's actual presentation, there was no mention at the event of the roles of the SF Foundation, the BSFA or the International Science Policy Foundation. The Award judges were all given balcony seats so far from the platform that we would have needed a Moon Launcher to address to Attwood. And none of us were invited to the reception which I believe was held later. Boo-hoo! While we didn't break our hearts over this, we all found the situation rather sour. Being of a persistent nature I did later get Virago's new publicity lady--not responsible for the foul-up--to issue the handout as attached, mentioning the BSFA etc...." [One drunken pundit hinted that Margaret Attwood was distinctly underwhelmed by the #1000 award: after all, THE HANDMAID'S TALE had just sold for a US paperback advance of $605,000. DRL] DAVID R.SMITH: "Now that you are going to chop down the mailing list, am I going to enter into a long spiel, pleading with you to carry on, or at least not to drop me from the list? As it happens, no. I enjoy ANSIBLE, but I'm just not fannish enough to be able to put up a convincing case...." [This continues with lashings of uncritical praise, enough to keep anyone on the list (though offbeat news or scandal would be even better). ANSIBLE has never demanded signed certificates of fannishness--whatever that may be--and promises not to run the E-meter over prospective recipients. DRL] W.E.COOPER: "I'm sorry you feel as you do regarding Ussher and his 4004 creation date. I do most sincerely believe that were you to read Genesis with an unbiased mind you would see that Ussher's 4004 was the creation of man and not of the earth. As further proof of his data see the enclosed re Daniel's visions... they are right up to date. Regarding the other enclosures I trust you will find them interesting... one must realize that the world is in an awful mess and Christ must come soon to restore law and order and so end all this sin and wickedness." [Letters like this arrive every so often, via the publish- ers of FACTS & FALLACIES and/or my UFO spoof. Mr Cooper's proof is indeed earth-shattering: it seems Halley was born the year Archbishop Ussher died, and "We know it takes Halley's Comet 76 years to complete one orbit but are you aware that if you add 2000 AD to Ussher's 4004 BC and divide the total by 76 it goes exactly 79 times." Since "1986 is actually the year 2000" this shows via devious intermediate steps that Jesus Christ will return on or before 26 June 1987. I rarely answer these letters, but some are entertaining: another correspondent has discovered after 25 years' "archaeo-biology" that the brain works exactly like a cheap computer--it even has a keyboard, I'm not sure where--and can be reprogrammed in BASIC to improve your personality no end. Heigh-ho. DRL] ### C.O.A. ### TONY BERRY, Flat 1, 17 Hilton Rd, Mapperley, Nottingham, NG3 6AN :: BERNADETTE BOSKY & ARTHUR D.HLAVATY, PO Box 52028, Durham, NC 27717, USA :: MIKE CHRISTIE & SHERRY COLDSMITH, Ty Llyn, Llangorse, Brecon, Powys, LD3 7TR :: JONATHAN COLECLOUGH, c/o Digital Type Systems, The Jam Factory, 27 Park End St, Oxford, OX1 1HU :: JONATHAN COWIE, 5 Charlieville Rd, Erith, Kent, DA8 1HJ :: IAIN DICKSON, 54 Valentines Way, Rush Green, nr Romford, Essex :: ALAN & ROCHELLE DOREY, 7 Conway Close, Houghton Regis, Dunstable, Beds, LU5 5SB :: MIKE FORD, 27 Stanmore Crescent, Leeds, LS4 2RY :: RICHARD FRANK, PO Box 234, Avis, PA 17721 USA :: ABIGAIL FROST, 95 Wilmot St, London, E.2 :: NEIL GAIMAN, 4 Littlemead, Nutley, East Sussex, TN22 3LP :: PAUL & ANGIE HESKETT*, ICL (Reading) Club, 53 Blagrave St, Reading, Berks, RG1 1PZ :: MALCOLM HODKIN, 3 Main St, Strathkinness, Fife, KY16 :: K.J.KNIGHT, 178a Gipsy Rd, London, SE27 9RE :: LEE MONTGOMERIE, 53 Riviera Gdns, Leeds, LS7 3DW :: CHARLES PLATT*, 594 Broadway, Room 1208, New York, NY 10012, USA :: NIGEL RICHARDSON, c/o 28 Duckett Rd, London, N4 1BN :: DEB & MIKE ROHAN, 16 Helmsley Rd, West Park, Leeds, LS16 5JA :: GARY STRATMANN, 68 Eden Rd, Walthamstow, London, E17 9JY :: PASCAL THOMAS, c/o Librairie Ailleurs, 28 rue Pharaon, 31000 Toulouse, France :: PETER A.TYERS, 114 Shakespeare Way, Taverham, Norwich, Norfolk, NR8 6TZ :: D.WEST, 17 Carlisle St, Keighley, West Yorks, BD21 4PX :: OWEN WHITEOAK, Top Flat, 11 Horsell Rd, Highbury, London, N5 1XL :: MARC WILLNER, 84 Sandwich Rd (21), Bourne, MA 02532, USA :: *Late entry--sorry. ### GHOST OF HONOUR SPEECH ### [One interesting item at Beccon was this talk, written by famous PATRICK PARRINDER and delivered by a skiffy author whose aspect, manner and squeaks of indignation were held to be highly authentic.] Ladies and gentlemen.... I want to make it quite plain that I am here under false pretences, and against my will. I have been given a few minutes to explain my presence here this morning, though I must tell you that it is as much of a surprise to me as it undoubtedly is to you. First of all, I am not the person that you may mistakenly think I am. I am not Mr Ian Watson, even though just at present I seem to be the inhabitant of his body. Mr Ian Watson is, I am told, a science-fiction writer, with a certain admiration for some rather trifling books I once wrote. Whether his admiration will survive this experiment in which he and I have become so curiously entangled, I cannot say. As I am the present inhabitant of Mr Watson's body, he, I can only suppose, is currently making free with mine. Mr Watson, I am told, bears a certain physical resemblance to me in my sprightlier and younger days. But I must assure you that the brain that is speaking to you from inside his body is not his. It is mine. I am trying to outline these confusing matters to you as clearly as possibly. When I left home this morning, I distinctly remember the date. It was April 19th, 1932. I was being driven in a hired limousine, and with me in my briefcase was the speech I intended to give at a weekend conference run by the younger members of the Fabian Society. These conferences are rather jolly affairs, as they tend to attract a number of intelligent young men and pretty and intelligent young women. On the whole I find that the young women make more attentive listeners than the young men. The subject of my paper was to be "The World of our Grandchildren"--though from my point of view, as I am 65, it would have been "The World of our Great-Grandchildren". I wonder what has happened to that paper. Perhaps at this very moment Mr Ian Watson is reading it to an audience somewhere--though if he should find himself at that Fabian conference, he would do better to tear it up and speak from his own experience. Mr Watson, I understand, is almost young enough to be one of my great-grand- children. Now when I am in my own body I am a notoriously incompetent speaker. I fiddle with my tie, lose my place, drop my notes, and my voice either dwindles into inaudibility or is mercilessly distorted by the public-address system. If I do not have a speech all written down beforehand I am left wordless, tongue-tied, squeaking and gibbering. Happily on this occasion I do not seem to be in so much of a funk as usual. Perhaps Mr Watson, like my friend Bernard Shaw, is a more gifted mountebank than I am. Certainly his body, unlike mine, feels relatively calm and collected on a public platform. The fact is that I am a little nervous, but for a rather different reason. I understand that not only are you an audience of my great-grandchildren, so to speak, but you are an audience of "science-fiction fans". "Science fiction" did not exist in my day unless you count some horribly cheap magazines published by a swindling American called Hugo Gernsback. I know about Mr Gernsback and his little ways, since he is in the habit of reprinting my stories without my permission and without paying any fees. But even Mr Gernsback in his wildest dreams could not have imagined this extraordinary Convention in which I find myself. I have learned to my horror that this gathering includes people who count themselves, in this year of 1987, among my most loyal and enthusiastic readers. I can only hope that what I have to say will bring them to their senses. I have to tell you that the fantastic tales of scientific inventions which I wrote in my youth were the merest apprentice-work, on which I cut my teeth as a writer before turning to more serious tasks. I have asked to be allowed to speak to you so that I can urge you to give up reading scientific romance and turn to the serious business facing the world. I want to ask you to turn from reading Science Fiction to building an Utopian World State. Before I explain my ideas about the World State and the Open Conspiracy, let me try to say in a little more detail how I came to be here. I think I heard the person who introduced me suggesting that I might have travelled to this Convention in a time machine. I am afraid that he was guilty of a ridiculous error. The time machine of which I wrote in my youth was only a speculative device. Incidentally, I am told that Mr Ian Watson once published a story called "The Very Slow Time Machine". If this was meant as a flattering allusion to my work it has sadly misfired. The whole point about time machines is that, if they existed, they would move very fast. In any case, I did not travel here on a time machine. I came here by car. When I arrived, another member of your Committee suggested that I might have come by the method described in a little story I once wrote, "The Stolen Body". It is true that I seem to have stolen Mr Watson's body. However, my story was written so long ago that I have not the slightest idea whether it is relevant or not. As I have said, I came here by limousine. I used to enjoy driving myself, in a jerky and approximate fashion, but nowadays when I have somewhere to get to I employ a chauffeur. The young man who turned up to drive me this morning seemed perfectly normal. As we drove along I was too busy making some last-minute amendments to my speech to notice the landscape. I may have nodded off for a minute or two. When I woke up I was puzzled to find that the chauffeur addressed me as "Mr Watson". Whether I have stolen Mr Watson's body, or whether he has stolen mine, is I confess something of a mystery to me. His is a fairly agreeable sort of body, though when I caught sight of it in the driving mirror I did suffer a most unpleasant shock. Also, I begin to feel some anxiety as to what Mr Watson is up to in my body--assuming that is where he is, and that we are not caught up in some intricate game of physical musical chairs. I hope he takes good care of my body, while he is inside it. He will need to give it regular exercise, fresh air, and a carefully controlled diet--since I am, or was, a diabetic. He will find my body's sexual urges a little troublesome, I dare say. He will need to seek out attractive and intelligent members of the opposite sex in order to give these urges some relief. I hope this necessity does not put Mr Watson under too much strain. He is probably accustomed to a very different and much duller sort of life. Now let me come to the real reasons why I wanted to be allowed to speak to you. When my chauffeur addressed me as "Mr Watson", I asked him what the date was and where we were. He said it was 1987 and that we were driving through the outskirts of Birmingham. I confess that I was not as elated by this as I might have hoped. In fact I was conscious of considerable dismay. Looking around me, I soon realized that the world of my grandchildren was a world in which people could not possibly have read any of my serious books. If they had read my serious books they would have planned and organized and cleared away the dirt and ugliness I glimpsed around me. You see, to me your world of 1987 is rather like my world of 1932. All my life I have dreamed of an ordered and spacious society, an educated and disciplined world of the future. The alternative, I believed, was stark catastrophe. But I arrive in 1987 and I find that you are content to muddle along in the same wasteful and outdated fashion as my contemporaries did. It is true that before I came on this platform I asked your Committee what mankind had achieved in the past 55 years. Their answers at first were difficult to understand, but finally I made out that they were speaking of space-rockets, atom bombs, and electronic brains. Perhaps they were disappointed by my response. I had expected that you would have built the new world order, and brought about world peace. All you have done is to develop various inventions which are anticipated either in my books, or in those of one or two of my forward-looking contemporaries. Moreover, your scientists have been content to leave control of the world in the hands of the politicians and military men. Scientific research as a result is largely misdirected. It is plain to me that your age is in as much need of my ideas of the World State and the Open Conspiracy as were my contemporaries. I feel that I am coming to the end of my allotted time on this platform, but I have not even begun to address you on these urgent matters. I would like to speak of the World State, of World education, World history, the World encyclopaedia and the Open Conspiracy. I would like to discuss how we are to stop HOMO SAPIENS from pursuing his present blind and suicidal path. I will not develop these matters further this morning. But this afternoon I intend to ask your chairman to suspend your regular proceedings so that we can debate them fully. If I am not here to do so, you will know that I have got my own body back and that I am busy expounding the same themes to the 1932 conference of the Young Fabians. You will, no doubt, wish to carry on this crucial debate in my absence. Let me end, however, on a more personal note. Of all the many science-fiction writers who have claimed to be prophets, I am the first one to have actually visited the future. It is, I admit, a rather unnerving experience. But once I have got my own body back from Mr Watson it is plain what I shall do. I shall set to work on a novel describing this queer world of 1987, how it came into existence and where it is leading. Then I will travel round the world and unfold the results of my researches to Mr Roosevelt and Mr Stalin. No doubt they will see the necessity of amending their policies instantly. Now I realize that if I tell my readers EXACTLY what I have seen in the year 1987 they will not believe me. I shall have to make some of it up. I shall certainly not mention anything so undignified as my appearance at this Convention. I think I shall call this new novel of mine THE SHAPE OF THINGS TO COME. Rather a good title, don't you think? I expect it to be published in 1933, and I shall then talk to Mr Alexander Korda about the film rights. Before I go I must confess that, after all, I am beginning to enjoy this world of 1987. There is something pleasantly informal about it. Some of your young ladies would, I suspect, make extremely congenial company. But I think I had better go back and write THE SHAPE OF THINGS TO COME before Mr Ian Watson steals my idea. I am sure he is an expert on 1987 but he would be bound to make a frightful mess of writing about it. Besides, I am beginning to find his body rather a tight and uncomfortable fit. In my mature years I have needed a good deal more room to bulge and sag and flop about in than Mr Watson's body seems to provide. By the way, I see that I must be a little more modest than you may have thought, since I have still to tell you who I am. My name probably means as little to most of you as does Mr Watson's to whatever audience he is currently addressing himself. But, ladies and gentlemen, my name is--or was--H.G.Wells. ### CONTINENTAL CALAMITIES ### Gosh, there's been some stormy weather in Eurofandom. Two press releases follow.... "WHY JOHN BRUNNER WILL NOT BE AT THE FRENCH NATIONAL SF CON" (by JB): "I have attended and enjoyed many SF cons in France. After a period of some years during which they were not very well organized, the one at Lille in September 1986 made a most favourable impression on me, and when I received a verbal invitation to the 1987 con I promptly accepted. "Much water subsequently flowed under the bridge, including a change of venue, but I let six months or so elapse before trying to find out what in the world was going on. I still don't know. "My friend and colleague Ian Watson informs me that he, and other people in Britain, have received progress reports--which state, apparently, that I am going to be present. I'd have been interested to see copies of these PRs. In fact, all I have ever received from the organizers is a one-page flyer and a sheet of letterhead blank save for the address. "I had gone to some slight trouble. The possibility arose of my combining a trip to the Montpellier con with Beneluxcon the following weekend, which would greatly have reduced the financial burden on both committees. Unfortunately the Dutch organizers had to withdraw their invitation, owing to lack of funds. On 1 June, having received a letter to say so, I wrote as a matter of urgency to M.Gilles Murat asking for written confirmation that during the con I would be teaching at a writers' workshop; supported by it, I planned to ask for a British Council subvention. "Although I wrote in French, he didn't bother to answer. "I wrote again on 25 June. He still didn't answer. "In the meantime I learned from Ian Watson that other people invited from Britain had been rung up to discuss details of travel arrangements. Two weeks ago he further told me that a M.Pierre-Paul Durastanti, who had spoken to him on the phone, had promised to contact me within a few days. "That didn't happen, either. "I consider the committee to have behaved with extreme discourtesy, and I wish it to be known that anyone who goes to Montpellier in the expectation of meeting me there will feel let down, as I do at this moment. VERB. SAP." [JKHB] [Old-time ANSIBLE readers will know that this is the cue for Harry Harrison to write in and controvert.... Your editor would also like to hear from M.Durastanti, who begged innumerable manuscripts for wondrous SF projects in 1983, and has yet to return any, pay for any, or answer my "What the hell's happening?" query dated September 1984. DRL] "CHEATING IN SEFF" (by Ahrvid Engholm): "The 1987 race in the Scandinavian-European Fan Fund (SEFF) has caused one of the greatest scandals ever in Swedish fandom. SEFF works like TAFF and other fan funds, and sends fans between Scandinavian countries and the rest of Europe. The 1987 race aimed for Conspiracy, the worldcon in Brighton, and the `winner' was decided by substantial cheating. "Official Swedish administrator figures claim that out of a total of 229 votes cast, the Swede Anders Bellis defeated the Norwegian candidate Johan Schimanski with 112 votes to 107. (In the final round of counting the Australian system is used. There was actually a third candidate, Jan Risheden.) "However, a few hours before the deadline Schimanski had a majority of about 20 votes!. It appears that the Bellis campaign phoned around for new votes the day of the deadline, scraping up a majority for themselves by `proxies'. The SEFF ballot is very clear on this point: votes must be signed by the voter--no proxies. Even more of a scandal was the fact that the Swedish SEFF administrator Maths Claesson personally helped the Bellis campaign. Just before the deadline he informed them that they were losing, and forwarded [AE's word. Promoted? Suggested? DRL] the idea of using last-minute proxies to change the result. "Here are a few lines from an interview with Maths Claesson made by the Swedish SF newsletter FANYTT: "CLAESSON: Yes, I informed them about the votes just before the deadline. A number of votes were delivered by proxies, and I accepted them. FANYTT [i.e. Engholm]: Can you say how many votes were delivered by proxies the day of and the day before the deadline? CLAESSON: No, I don't want to. FANYTT: Why? CLAESSON: I tell the final results of the voting, nothing more. FANYTT: We estimate that 15-20 votes were phoned for just before the deadline. Can you confirm or deny this? CLAESSON: (silence). "The affair has aroused a cry of shame [sic] in Swedish fandom. There's pressure building up to `overrule' the administrator's acts and decisions, and declare the Norwegian Johan Schimanski as winner. The British SEFF administrator Jim Barker, who had nothing to do with the alleged cheating, has expressed his deep concern, suggesting that the whole race should be declared void. "Meanwhile, a great Scandinavian fuss is expected at Conspiracy, and even legal actions for fraud." [AE] ...Oh dear, here we go again. Always something new out of Sweden. "Further details reach me every day," Ahrvid adds bloodthirstily, "like the Bellis campaign stating themselves on the afternoon of the deadline day that they then had 94-95 votes." Nothing so far received here reflects badly on Anders Bellis himself, which is worth bearing in mind should he make the trip. I also note that ANSIBLE's desultory coverage of Swedish upsets can seem one-sided because usually only AE sends reports: there's supposed to be a rival press release from AB, but I haven't seen it. For the opposition, Kaj Harju tells me that "there is some facts quite wrong (and most people are sure that Engholm is mad)... very few fans in Sweden want anything to do with him and it is hard for him to know things as they actually are". Most of KH's assertions are not quite to the point: AE has been voted Swedish Fugghead of 1986 in a poll run by KOLON (AB's fanzine); there is a mysterious counter-allegation about Norwegian block voting; "AE states that he is working with LFP/Nova [John-Henri Holmberg's publishing outfit, where MC and AB work]--that's wrong, he has been refusing to give back the keys since they kicked him out early this year"; AE is guilty of vandalism and assault at Swedish cons; etc. KH successfully challenges a couple of AE's more strained interpretations of "evidence", but doesn't address himself to the central issue. What evidence? Reading the "scandal" issue of FANYTT in this light, I boggled: "It so happens that [AE] is a freelance employee of the same firm that the SEFF administrator Maths Claesson works for, LFP publishers in Stockholm, and we have our own keys to their office. One day when we paid it a visit, there were all the SEFF ballots in a corner!" Some are reproduced, clearly "proxies" or votes received by phone. I can't--despite AE's claim--find an explicit prohibition of telephone voting on the ballot form, and suspect it's harmless for administrators to accept (personally) phoned votes from fans known to them. But besides such worrying items as ballots apparently signed by John- Henri Holmberg on behalf of his relatives, MC does seem to have admitted that AB's clinching votes were drummed up at the last minute as the result of a self-confessed leak. Which is definitely Not On. (Fandom's amateur lawyers will be glad to learn that even more than TAFF's, the minimalist SEFF rules rely heavily on good will and contain loopholes you could drive a Chris Foss spaceship through: no mention of confidentiality or administrative impartiality, and only an implication--the word "Signature" against a blank space on the form--that votes should be signed. Similarly, the rules don't prohibit administrators from setting fire to any ballots they don't agree with. You can't cover everything.) The general level of abuse suggests that all this is linked with the long-term, pan-Swedish fan feud. KH sends pages of smears about AE but fails to dispute the accuracy of the Claesson/Engholm exchange above. Neither does AE confine himself to facts: FANYTT offers disgraceful statements like "Bellis despite cheating didn't have a majority according to the Australian system (111 is less than half of 227)". The hint that AB personally cheated may be an accident of syntax, but the Aust- ralian ballot is slyly misrepresented (by quoting the total votes cast--now amended to 227--rather than the 219 remaining after the third candidate's elimination. 111 is not less than half of 219) in order to make it seem that MC also fiddled the counting. At least we managed to get through the TAFF controversies without anyone sneaking into administrators' offices to conduct searches.... ### ALIEN CHRISTMAS: TERRY PRATCHETT ### [This postprandial speech from Beccon's "Christmas Dinner" helped delay the present ANSIBLE: for several weeks I gave up in a fit of pique at Terry's vile act of sending a spare copy to MATRIX. But then I thought of all my non-BSFA readers, and couldn't resist using the only item ever to reach ANSIBLE on disk....] This is a great idea, isn't it? So much nicer to have Christmas at this time of the year instead of at the end of December, when the shops are always so crowded. Reminds me of those clips you used to get in The Queen's Christmas broadcast to the Commonwealth back in the 50s, with the traditional shot of Australians eating chilled prawns, roast turkey and Christmas pudding on Bondi beach. There was always a Christmas tree planted in the sand. It was decorated with what I now realize was probably vomit. Last week I got this fortune cookie sort of printout which said YOUR ROLE IS EATER. I thought fantastic, I like role-playing games, I've never been an Eater before, I wonder how many hit points it has? And then I saw another printout underneath it which said that at 2200 my role was After Dinner Speaker, which is something you'd expect to find only in the very worst dungeon, a monster lurching around in a white frilly shirt looking for an audience. Three hours later the explorers are found bored rigid, their coffee stone cold, the brick-thick after dinner mint melted in their hands. That reminds me why I gave up Dungeons and Dragons. There were too many monsters. Back in the old days you could go around a dungeon without meeting much more than a few orcs and lizard men, but then everyone started inventing monsters and pretty soon it was a case of, bugger the magic sword, what you really needed to be the complete adventurer was the Marcus L.Rowland fifteen- volume guide to Monsters and the ability to read very, very fast, because if you couldn't recognize them from the outside you pretty soon got the chance to try looking at them from the wrong side of their tonsils. Anyway, this bit of paper said I was to talk about Alien Christmases, which was handy, because I always like to know what subject it is I'm straying away from. I'll give it a try, I've been a lot of bad things in my time although, praise the Lord, I've never been a Blake's 7 fan. Not that Christmases aren't pretty alien in any case.It's a funny old thing, but when ever you see pictures of Santa Claus he's always got the same toys in his sack. A teddy, a dolly, a trumpet and a wooden engine. Always. Sometimes he also has a few red and white striped candy canes. Heaven knows why, you never see them in the shops, and if any kids asks for a wooden engine these days it means he lives at the bottom of a hole on a desert island and has never heard of television, because last Christmas my daughter got a lot of toys, a few cars, a plane, stuff like that, and the thing about them was this. Every single one of them was a robot. Not just a simple robot. I know what robots are supposed to look like, I had a robot when I was a kid. You could tell it was a robot, it had two cogwheels going round in its chest and its eyes lit up when you turned its key, and why not, so would yours. And I had a Magic Robot... well, we all had one, didn't we? And when we got fed up with the smug way he spun around on his mirror getting all the right answers we cut them out and stuck them down differently for the sheer hell of it, gosh, weren't we devils. But these new robots are subversive. They are robots in disguise. There's this sort of robot war going on around us. I haven't quite figured it out yet, although the kids seem incredibly well- informed on the subject. It appears that you can tell the good robots from the bad robots because the good robots have got human heads, a bit like that scene in Saturn Five, you remember, where the robot gets the idea that the best way to look human is hack someone's head off and stick it on your antenna. They all look like an American footballer who's been smashed through a Volkswagen. They go around saving the universe from another bunch of robots, saving the universe in this case consisting of great laser battles. The universe doesn't look that good by the time they've saved it, but by golly, it's saved. Anyway, none of her presents looked like it was supposed to. A collection of plastic rocks turned out to be Rock Lords, with exciting rocky names like Boulder and Nugget. Yes, another bunch of bloody robots. In fact the only Christmassy thing in our house was the crib, and I'm not certain that at a touch of a button it wouldn't transform and the Mary and Josephoids would battle it out with the Three Kingons. Weirdest of the lot, though, is Kraak, Prince of Darkness. At #14.95 he must be a bargain for a prince of darkness. He's a Zoid, probably from the planet Zoid in the galaxy of Zoid, because while the models are pretty good the storyline behind them is junk, the science fiction equivalent of a McDonalds hamburger. I like old Kraak, though, because it only took the whole of Christmas morning to put him together. He's made of red and grey plastic, an absolute miracle of polystyrene technology, and he looks like a chicken that's been dead for maybe three months. Stuff two batteries up his robot bum and he starts to terrorize the universe as advertised, and he does it like this, what he does is, he walks about nine inches ver--ry slowly and painfully, while dozens of little plastic pistons thrash about, and then he falls over. Kraak has got the kind of instinct for survival that makes a kamikaze pilot look like the Green Cross Code man. I don't know what the terrain is like up there on Zoid, but he finds it pretty difficult to travel over the average living room carpet. No wonder he terrorizes the universe, it must be pretty frightening, having a thousand tons of war robot collapse on top of you and lie there with its little feet pathetically going round and round. You want to commit suicide in sympathy. Oh, and he's got this other fiendish weapon, his head comes off and rolls under the sofa. Pretty scary, that. We've tested him out with other Zoids, and I'm here to tell you that the technology of robot fighting machines, basically, is trying to fall over in front of your opponent and trip him up. It's a hard job, because the natural instinct of all Zoids is to fall over as soon as you take your hand away. But even Kraak has problems compared with a robot that was proudly demonstrated to us by the lad next door. A Transformer, I think it was. It isn't just made of one car or plane, it's a whole fleet of vehicles which, when disaster threatens, assemble themselves into one great big fighting machine. That's the theory, anyway. My bet is that at the moment of truth the bloody thing will have to go into battle half finished because its torso is grounded at Gatwick and its left leg is stuck in a traffic jam outside Luton. We recently saw SANTA CLAUS: THE MOVIE. Anyone else seen it? Pretty dreadful, the only laugh is where they apparently let the reindeer snort coke in order to get them to fly. No wonder Rudolf had a red nose, he spends half the time with a straw stuck up it. Anyway, you get to see Santa's workshop. Just as I thought. Every damn toy is made of wood, painted in garish primary colours. It might have been possible, in fact I suppose it's probably inevitable, that if you pressed the right switch on the rocking horses and jolly wooden dolls they turned into robots, but I doubt it. I looked very carefully over the whole place and there wasn't a single plastic extrusion machine. Not a single elf looked as though he knew which end to hold a soldering iron. None of the really traditional kids' toys were there--no Rambos, no plastic models of the Karate kid, none of those weird little spelling and writing machines designed to help your child talk like a NASA launch controller with sinus trouble and a mental age of five. Now, I've got a theory to account for this. Basically, it is that Father Christmases are planet-specific and we've got the wrong one. I suspect it was the atom bomb tests in the early 50s that warped the, you know, the fabric of time and space and that. Secret tests at the North Pole opened up this, you know, sort of hole between the dimensions, and all the stuff made by our Father Christmas is somehow diverted to Zoid or wherever and we get all the stuff he makes, and since he's a robot made out of plastic he only makes the things he's good at. The people it's really tough on are the kids on Zoid. They wake up on Christmas morning, unplug themselves from their recharger units, clank to the end of the bed (pausing only to fall over once or twice) playfully zapping one another with their megadeath lasers, look into their portable pedal extremity enclosures and what do they find? Not the playful, cuddly death- dealing instruments of mayhem that they have been led to expect, but wooden trains, trumpets, rag dolls and those curly red and white sugar walking sticks that you never see in real life. Toys that don't need batteries. Toys that you don't have put together. Toys with varnish on instead of plastic. Alien toys. And, because of this amazing two-way time warp thingy, our kids get the rest. Weird plastic masters of the universe which are to the imagination what sandpaper is to a tomato. Alien toys. Maybe it's being done on purpose, to turn them all into Zoids. Like the song says--you'd better watch out. I don't think it will work, though. I took a look into my daughter's dolls'-house. Old Kraak has been hanging out there since his batteries ran out and his mega cannons fell off. Mr T has been there for a couple of years, ever since she found out he could wear Barbie's clothes, and I see that some plastic cat woman is living in the bathroom. I don't know why, but what I saw in there gave me hope. Kraak was having a tea party with a mechanical dog, two Playpeople and three dolls. He wasn't trying to zap ANYONE. No matter what Santa Claws throws at us, we can beat him.... And now your mummies and daddies are turning up to take you home; be sure to pick up your balloons and Party Loot bags, and remember that Father Christmas will soon be along to give presents to all the good boys and girls who've won awards. ### INFINITELY IMPROBABLE ### SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE NEARLY REVEALED: Bill Gibson, briefly reduced to speechlessness, passes on a letter inviting him to contribute to a new SFWA book on how to write skiffy. "We hope that you might write something for us on the topic of WRITING CYBERPUNK SF." (Their boldface.) I have a fond vision of the simultaneous letter to Brian Aldiss, asking him to bash out a brief guide to WRITING HELLICONIA TRILOGIES. CONDOM: Eastercon 1988 is FOLLYCON at the Adelphi Hotel, Liverpool, with GoH Gordon Dickson and Gwyneth Jones, FGoH Greg Pickersgill. #6 supp/#12 att to 104 Pretoria Rd, Patchway, Bristol. Easter 1989 will be CONTRIVANCE at the Hotel de France, St Helier, Jersey: GoH Anne McCaffrey and M.John Harrison. #6 supp/#12 att to 63 Drake Rd, Chessington, Surrey. NOLACON 88 (New Orleans worldcon) now has Linda Pickersgill as reluctant UK agent (7a Lawrence Rd, S.Ealing, W5 4XJ): "I was drunk at the time," she explains. "IT'S UFOS BY ROYAL APPOINTMENT!" says a clipping sent by bibliophile David Garnett. "Head-in-the-Stars Prince Charles has joined a galaxy of celebrity space-watchers who believe in little green men. He's at the centre of a new cosmic controversy after graciously accepting weirdo sci-fi novels by the founder of the evil Scientology cult L.Ron Hubbard. The mystical Hubbard trilogy MISSION EARTH--stories of futuristic heroes zapping across the universe in flying saucers--is now sitting on the Prince's personal bookshelves," etc. "Sick and dangerous... corrupting works... the wacky Prince..." ANSIBLE just can't match the professional journalistic standards of this SUNDAY SPORT coverage. [14-6-87] FALSE PSEUDONYM HORROR: This is complicated, so pay attention. "Sue Denim" is a deeply obvious pseudonym, used by US author Lew Shiner to be rude about people anonymously in CHEAP TRUTH. Unfortunately the "Sue Denim" who contributed to Charles Platt's REM:8 proved to be the pseudonym of somebody else altogether, provoking massive wrath from L.Shiner since, although nobody is supposed to know Sue Denim is HIS pseudonym, he feels his literary reputation has been shattered by this impostor's publication of work under his name... I mean, not under his name. (Info: Charles Platt.) OBIT: this sad news is old, but I can't omit the 19 May death of Alice Sheldon, alias James Tiptree Jr. She was 71; her husband was 84, blind and bedridden; it was seemingly by mutual agreement that she shot him and then herself. Old-time fan and OTHER WORLDS editor Bea Mahaffey died of emphysema on 28 March, aged 60: she was fondly remembered by many older fans here in Britain. Richard Wilson (perhaps best known for THE GIRLS FROM PLANET 5 and the Nebula winner "Mother to the World") died of cancer at 66 on 29 March. GUTS! is the Langford/"Grant" successor to EARTHDOOM! and sends up the naff aspects of horror novels. Good old Nick Austin at Grafton will publish it within decades. My collaborator sometimes strayed away from the genre: "Don't you remember how you were built only to help humanity, how you are bound by the famous Laws of Robotics?" "Yes: I mustn't enjoy myself too much while harming human beings, I mustn't fall around laughing when human beings harm themselves, and above all I mustn't let myself come to any harm." "I told you not to buy that cheap Ansible software," muttered Whitlow.... TOGETHERNESS DEPT: Jerry Kaufman & Suzanne Tompkins at last got married on 16 May, in Seattle; ditto Paul Heskett and Angie on 12 March, in Reading; Maureen Porter was miffed by my failure to report her engagement to Paul Kincaid; Jan Huxley will shortly marry Paul Didntquitecatchhisname. TRIVIA CORNER: "By April 1984," says a quiz-card issued to promote Wm Younger's curiously unpleasing beer, "how many different beermats had Tim Stannard of Birmingham collected?" Could this be fandom's Tim Stannard, who, being a solicitor, likes to dress up in Nazi uniform at conventions? Indeed it is he. (Answer: a puny 28,400.) NEBULAS, for those who want to know these things, went to Orson Scott Card's SQUEAKER FOR THE DEAD, Lucius Shepard's "R&R", Kate Wilhelm's "The Girl Who Fell Into The Sky", Greg Bear's "Tangents"... and Isaac Asimov is at last able to stop dropping hints about the SFWA "Grand Master" award. CLOSET STRIPPERS: Our local bookshop is doing a comics promotion and promises the attendance of two authors who I hadn't realized were comics megastars, Ben "American Flagg" Bova and Harry "Swamp Thing" Harrison.... CLUB STUFF: "I suppose you know all about the York SF Group?" asks Sue Thomason, correctly expecting the answer No. "We meet on Wednesdays in The Golden Ball, Bishophill, York. But not EVERY Wednesday--phone Liz Sourbut (York 646827) or me (425873) for details. Recent activities included a video evening, a group visit to Star Trek IV, and a beertalk with Michael Scott Rohan (nice man; he told me I'd got charisma; he can come back again ANYtime...)." LEEDS: see the Ashworth Testament (letters, above). READING: erstwhile pub meetings have quietly died, but there's a massive flexible response capability whereby visiting fans can usually precipitate an instant gathering at the ICL Club close to the station, by phoning the Hoares (0734 588570) or me (665804). SERIOUS & CONSTRUCTIVE: William Wheeler's SF INTERNATIONAL (see A48) has been discontinued as a magazine, but WW plans "to use stories already bought for SFI 3, 4, 5 & 6 in a trade pb anthology", and if it succeeds will do more. Last issue I noted that asking for the offered freebie copy of FANTASY REVIEW resulted only in demands for money: later I was also inundated with FRs, plus further and increasingly reproachful invoices (I think this is called inertia selling). Despite such shrewd marketing, FR is now collapsing into an annual hardback volume at $57.50, more than twice the old price of a year's subscription (10 copies). I wish them luck. SEX IN SPACE was the triffic working title of the anthology DEMON LOVERS, now contracted to NEL and looking out for tasteful stories which can credibly be assimilated under either title: Alex Stewart, 47 St Johns Green, Colchester, Essex, CO2 7EZ. The amateur CASSANDRA ANTHOLOGY folds with issue 13/14 in late September (overwork, lack of publishable submissions). BOB SHAW MENACED BY NIGHTMARISH, GLISTENING INSECT! This scene was the subject of a large drawing in THE INDEPENDENT [26 May], the insect being a metaphor for depressive side-effects of a slimming pill called Ponderax, which left Bob badly blocked on a novel--until he worked out what was wrong, swore off the pills, and as a happier side-effect sold the whole tale of woe to a national newspaper.... AT LAST, THE 1954 SHOW! The Spring SKEPTICAL INQUIRER has a newish theory of the deeply implausible UFO book FLYING SAUCERS FROM MARS by "Cedric Allingham" (1954). Several independent items of evidence point to an amateur astronomer who's been suspected of several naughty hoaxes, and who is also the only person ever to claim he's met the elusive "Allingham". Step forward, Patrick Moore.... FANS ACROSS THE WORLD raised #300 at Easter, to assist poverty-stricken travellers from far climes to Conspiracy. CHUCH HARRIS REPORTS: "[Bryan Barrett] tells me that Lucy Huntzinger now has a small tattoo of Orca, the Killer Whale in a VERY intimate place indeed. It is inadvisable to holler `Thar she blows' unless one is wearing a tarpaulin jacket. This was jolly interesting... Bryan, you must understand, has not actually SEEN the tattoo so far, but like the tenth planet between Uranus and Pluto, he KNOWS it is there." AUSSIECON 85: accounts (30 June) show $A8886.59 profit. WAS THIS THE GREATEST MAN WHO EVER LIVED? A photo of Maxim Jakubowski (provenance unknown) adorned this spoof PRIVATE EYE story about Le Corbusier, showing that (at least to the EYE) Maxim looks like the epitome of a French architect.... ADELPHI HORROR: looks as though Follycon will have to take care, since there was lots of theft at the Sol III Trekcon on 1-4 May. Rog Peyton reportedly lost #360 and Gytha North #130 when the dealers' room was busted on the Saturday night; #450 of Chris Chivers's sound gear also vanished, and another #140 in tools and costumes. ANSIBLE's mole says, "we suspect h*t*l st*ff...." Surprisingly, Beccon lost some fairly expensive sound mixing gear despite determined security organization. MOTHER OF GOD, IS THIS THE END FOR ANSIBLE? Wait and see. HAZEL'S LANGUAGE LESSONS: BRETON ANAL breath KOAN evening meal STANK numerous HALO spittle GALL (1) French; (2) stammering ANSIBLE 50, 94 LONDON ROAD, READING, UK, RG1 5AU [Ends] ANSIBLE 51 OCTOBER 1991 From DAVE LANGFORD, 94 London Road, Reading, Berks, RG1 5AU. Fax 0734 669914. ISSN 0265-9816. Available at random pub meetings, by whim or for stamped addressed envelopes (no subscriptions or mailing list). [Disclaimer: Each issue of ANSIBLE is designed for exquisite DTP in multiple fonts. This text dump for CIX and Usenet looks awful. So it goes. DRL] Once again we live amid Signs and Portents. Something is stirring in British fandom, something ancient and very terrible, dimly remembered only by those wrinkled fans in convention bars who swap their wheezy reminiscences of the bad old days. From its grave the age-old horror rises, no longer a mere phantasm of darkness but a tangible form revealed in leprous morning light, a ghastly revenant whose existence can no longer be denied. Yes ... we have another British worldcon bid which actually seems to be doing well. Meanwhile, it's been a long time since "Ansible 50". This `second series' of cheapo one-pagers will no doubt contain many a news snippet as exciting and novel as the previous sentence. The reader is warned. ### MEETINGS AND CONVENTIONS ### Not an exhaustive list but selected on grounds of imminence, con literature actually to hand, vile gossip received, etc. 17 Oct BSFA LONDON MEET at Old Coffee House, Beak St: Kim Newman pleads with you to buy his new novel "Jago". 19-20 Oct PHILIP K.DICK CELEBRATION, Epping Forest College, Borders Lane, Loughton, Essex, IG10 3SA. GoH Paul Williams. #20 reg to `Connections', same address. Limited hotel space: #45/single, #55/double, #30/person in twin. Informal social evening Fri 18 Oct. Looking at the programme (a Phenomenological Examination; a panel on Revelatory Experiences; Sound Collages and Music; Youth Theatre Groups; Communal Painting of PKD Mural, etc), I think I'll celebrate by staying home and reading some actual Dick.... 1-3 Nov NOVACON 21, Excelsior Hotel, near Birmingham NEC and airport. #15 reg. GoH Colin Greenland. Contact 121 Cape Hill, Smethwick, Warley, W.Midlands, B66 4SH. In a frenzy of numerological excitement, Novacon plans a special programme book with bits from all past guests. 15-17 Nov FANTASYCON XIV, Ramada Inn West London. #30 reg (#25 BFS members), which seems a lot: GoHs Dan Simmons, Jonathan Carroll and Brian Lumley, which is presumably where the money goes.... Rooms #44/single, #68/ double. Contact 15 Stanley Rd, Morden, Surrey, SM4 5DE. 21 Nov BSFA LONDON MEET with famous Iain Sinclair. 30 Nov to 1 Dec X-ASM, The Hotel Metropole, Leeds. #12 reg, #15 at door, rooms #25/person/night. GoH M.John Harrison. Contact 16 Aviary Place, Armley, Leeds, LS12 2NP. Highlight of the `advance info' sheet is Simon Ings's hilarious parody of the Embarrassingly Overdone GoH Eulogy, bringing tears of mirth to Mike Harrison's friends and foes alike. 17-20 Apr 92 ILLUMINATION, 43rd Eastercon, Norbreck Castle Hotel, Blackpool. #20 reg. GoHs Paul McAuley, Geoff Ryman, Pam Wells (fan). Contact 379 Myrtle Rd, Sheffield, S2 3HQ. A recent member got `a slightly unnerving letter ... saying the hotel has just been sold, and the new owners have launched a major refurbishment campaign. Knocking down main wing, rebuilding all bedroom and function rooms, everything going to be rilly rilly triffic. What? By Easter?' 22-25 May 92 INCONSEQUENTIAL, Aston Court Hotel, Derby. #15 reg, rooms #32/single, #52/double. Contact 12 Crich Avenue, Littleover, Derby, DE3 6ES. `Humour' theme: fliers to date work determinedly at being funny, and one sympathizes with such evident sweat and toil. "Advance Rumblings:" PICOCON, annual one-day event of the Imperial College (London) SF Society, is `provisionally planned' for 7 March 1992. MEXICON V hopes to return to the picturesquely decaying Cairn Hotel, Harrogate -- still in receivership, so `watch this space' -- over late Spring bank holiday 1993. #18 reg, or #16 to Mexicon IV members until 31 Dec 91. Contact 121 Cape Hill, Smethwick, Warley, W.Midlands, B66 4SH. EASTERCON 1994: bids in from SOU'WESTER (Bristol; #2 presupporting to 3 West Shrubbery, Redland, Bristol, BS6 6SZ), and a rumoured MANXCON (said to be c/o PO Box 29, Hitchin, Herts, SG4 9TG). The "Independent" mag highlighted the latter venue by reminding us that the Isle of Man is the last place in Europe where gay sex is punishable by life imprisonment ... which as a programme-book warning should make a change from the usual stuff about corkage. ### PEOPLE, PUBLISHING & PUBS ### "Brian Aldiss" has recently been recovering from a double hernia operation and is hoped to be well on the mend.... "Greg Bear" (says the Brum Group newsletter) will be visiting Britain in February and Mingling with us. "John Brunner" married LiYi Tan (`formerly of Guangzhou, Guangdong, People's Republic of China') on 27 Sept, with a vast party running in shifts for most of the following day. "David Gemmell" endeared himself to the BSFA by failing for the second time this year to turn up as a London meeting guest (Sept). Unable in his absence to organize an anatomical workshop on `The Intestines of David Gemmell', Maureen Speller ran a thrilling media discussion instead. "Martin Hoare" was last seen in Berlin: `Enjoyed Barcon. The badge checking was less strict than previous years (see over).' ... on a tasteful postcard of Checkpoint Charlie. "Terry Pratchett" would be news if he "weren't" completing a new book: this time it's Discworld the umpteenth, "Small Gods". "David Pringle", not content with editorial mastery of "Interzone" and "Million", is working on a new monthly fantasy (as distinct from sf) magazine for launch in early 1992. My suggested title "Comparable To Tolkien At His Best: The Magazine Of Top- Selling Sword'N'Sorcery" might not ... Stop press! It's going to be called "Realms of Fantasy". "Jane Yolen" will be living in Scotland from March to September 1992 and hopes to get to some British conventions ... but possibly not Illumination since: `I have won one of the most major children's book awards, the Regina Medal, given for a body of work by the Catholic Library Association, and have to fly back to America to get it April 21. So we will see.' ### INFINITELY IMPROBABLE ### THE ROZ KAVENEY MEMORIAL PRIZE for fastest Mexicon report went to Michael Ashley for "Saliromania 2" (`Written 8 May, copied 9 May, distributed in Leeds on Friday 10 May. Suck on "that", tardy foreigners,' says sultry thirtyish ex-toyboy Michael). His prize, a free copy of the "Pink Paper" (the periodical in which stakhanovite hackette Roz published a Mexicon III report three days after the con) can be collected at his local leather-bar in Bradford. Or if not there, he could try Surbiton. Suck on that, Michael! "[Abigail Frost]" TAFF 1992 voting is on, with US candidates Jeanne Bowman (supported by your editor) and Richard Brandt contending in a savage clash of hype, mutual nominations and nude mud- wrestling for the partially coveted trip to Illumination. Both boast fanzine and con credentials -- see ballot, available from Usual Sources and Pam Wells. By a suspicious coincidence, copies of Richard's "Fanthology '87" reached Britain in September: 72pp of pretty damn star-studded stuff from 1987 fanzines, $5 from him at 4740 N.Mesa #111, El Paso, TX 79912, USA. (Contents: Carr, Nielsen Haydens, Langford, Warner, Ortlieb, Hubbard, Edwards/Lake/Ounsley, Chauvin, Gillespie, Benford, Bushyager, Priest, Gomoll, Hlavaty/Bosky). GUFF 1992 (EuropeAustralian national con at Easter): candidates at last count were Eva Hauser of Czechoslovakia, whose Euro-nominators are all Brits, and Bridget Wilkinson, whose Euro- nominators are all Poles. Ballots imminent. JOB CENTRE: David Pringle has been made redundant as editor of the dread Games Workshop `GW Books' line. Earlier, David V.Barrett suffered similarly at the hands of "Computer Weekly" and has been hunting freelance work ... but long-unemployed Martin Tudor is poised on the brink of mega-success as `Clerical Assistant with Birmingham Social Services'. "AUSTRALIAN SF REVIEW", one of the all too few readable mags of `heavyweight' sf criticism ("Foundation" is the British exemplar), ceased with 1991's issue #27 -- a fearsomely exhaustive index compiled by Yvonne Rousseau. R.I.P.... LAWSUIT NEWS. It remains dangerous to be sceptical about UFO and paranormal excesses. Famous Uri Geller still intends to sue that nasty investigator James `The Amazing' Randi `in every state and every country': he's lost two suits so far, but since the defence has cost Randi $155,000 and left him broke, Geller is effectively winning through sheer riches. Lewis Jones is running the UK side of Randi's defence fund (all donations to 23 Woodbastwick Rd, London, SE26 5LG); he passes on the report that CSICOP itself -- the Committee for Scientific Investigation of the Paranormal, supported by countless famous names in science and sf -- is similarly beset by often frivolous lawsuits and might well go bankrupt soon. HAZEL'S UFO LESSONS. A dictionary of modern Latin is in production at the Vatican, reports the "Evening Standard" (20 Sept) -- full of vital everyday terms like "coruscans discus per convexa caeli volans", or `flying saucer with flashing lights'.... SUMMARIZING THE CHICAGO WORLDCON IN FIVE WORDS: `It's not very well organized,' said fearless Pam Wells in an almost exclusive phone call from the Thick Of Things. STORMIN' MORMON: not many SF writers do theology on the side, so I was interested to receive Orson Scott Card's 1990 rant `The Hypocrites of Homosexuality' from "Sunstone" (a `Mormon issues' journal). Boy, Card really lays it on the line. Tolerance is a Bad Thing. Homosexuality is a Sin and its vile practitioners should jolly well Repent. They could be hetero if they only tried.... There is more, but I need a drink. TOTAL INSANITY ... is the only excuse for producing this. Langfordian income was recently clobbered when the Amstrad PCW magazine "8000 Plus" decided to chop five editorial pages and make my column bimonthly. Maybe legions of fans will complain and boycott all the odd-numbered issues from #61 without the One True Page; maybe not. Now comes a merry summons to the creditors' meeting following the voluntary liquidation on 15 Sept of Newsfield Ltd, publishers of "Fear" and "GamesMaster International" ... the latter being the home of my remaining sf review column. (The liquidator is busy trying to sell off the Newsfield magazines -- "advt".) Help! ### IN MEMORIAM: THE COCK ### CAROLINE MULLAN elegizes: "The sign on the former Rank Xerox building invites you to "Make this Your Landmark". The sign is new, but the London building has indeed been a fannish landmark: behind it lies the Cock Tavern, where the City Illiterates and other groups have been meeting for 21 years. No longer. On 26 September the Cock closed for the last time. It was a pleasant pub, not particularly distinguished but moderate in all things: medium size, moderately comfortable, middling good beer and food, an upstairs room that could be hired for a moderate fee. But it had fannish virtues: it was convenient for many people, it served pizzas years before most pubs offered proper food, it was quiet in the evening when business boozers had left it to us, and the juke-box was tame. Best of all, the staff were friendly. And, love him or loathe him, we must not forget Boot, the Old English Sheepdog we first knew as a bouncing large-pawed puppy in 1977 and who died last year of canine old age. We did not let it go without a wake. On Friday 13 September more than 60 fans gathered to say goodbye, to the pub itself and to Jack, Barbara and Bernie who had served us for 14 years. Among them were Philip Strick, who founded the SF Evening Class at the Stanhope Institute 21 years ago, thus forming a group which needed somewhere to drink when the class was over but not the conversation; Malcolm Davies, Roger Perkins and Mike Westhead, veterans of the earliest years; John Clute, an ex-class- tutor (Lisa Tuttle, another, sent apologies from Scotland). City Illiterates of all generations were there, with conrunners, organizers of Beccons, Contrivance and Helicon, the Glasgow Worldcon bid; PAPA and Friends of Foundation; all had met regularly in the Cock. Some hadn't been for years, or had only visited once or twice: Tony Chester, many stone lighter and much prettier than when he last came, Chris Walton, Abi Frost, Tim Broadribb, and many more. Some even came for the first time ever -- like our esteemed editor.... Now it is gone. The refurbished `landmark' building is empty; without its lunchtime trade the Cock is not (despite fannish efforts) a viable business. The last guide dog has been bought with money collected across the bar. The brewery has removed the pumps, the signs have been taken down, the doors closed. The Cock Tavern is no more. The City Illiterates continue. The Class runs again this year at the City Literary Institute in Stukely Street, Holborn, with Brian Stableford as tutor; the rest now meet every Friday at the Lord Nelson (Stanhope Street, close to the Cock). Other groups that met at the Cock are also moving there, at least for now: the Lord Nelson is smaller but quiet, the beer is better, and there are tables in the sheltered yard. Life goes on. ### EDITORIAL WAFFLE ### This is all the fault of Bridget Wilkinson for Constructive Whingeing, the erstwhile "Intermediate Reptile" team for being horridly exemplary, and Martin Easterbrook for a partial power vacuum. Thanks also to Paul Dormer, who lugged my Hugo back from Chicago: this time (no doubt to the huge annoyance of Peter `Vic Wilcox' Weston, Hereditary Supplier of Cast Metal Awards to the Gentry) the burden was lessened by the thing's being made of lightweight, see-through plastic. It reached me intact after its long journey and a bit fell off on the way home to Reading. There may be a moral in this. And I urge you all to go to Boskone 29 (Springfield, MA, 14-16 Feb 92), which is madly flying me over as special guest. GoH is Jane Yolen ... see above. NESFA collections of Yolen and Langford writing are planned to appear at the con, the latter tastefully titled "Let's Hear It For The Deaf Man". [] Text (c) Dave Langford, 1991. News, information, opinions and complaints all welcome -- on IBM 3.5", IBM 5.25" 360k or PCW 3" disk by arrangement. Deadlines 24 hours before monthly London Wellington meetings. `Agents' (just ask) may xerox "Ansible "for distribution elsewhere. Esoterica research: Abigail Frost. DRL ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk ANSIBLE 52 NOVEMBER 1991 From DAVE LANGFORD, 94 London Road, Reading, Berkshire, RG1 5AU. Fax 0734 669914. ISSN 0265-9816. Available at random fan gatherings, by whim or for stamped addressed envelopes -- sorry, no paid subscriptions. [Disclaimer: Each issue of ANSIBLE is designed for exquisite DTP in multiple fonts. This text dump for CIX and Usenet looks awful. So it goes. DRL] Comments on "Ansible 51" were sufficiently alarming. `I thought I'd died and gone to heaven,' burbled Ashley Watkins. `Everyone will think you're gay,' added Abigail Frost after close study of the text. `Now you can quote me saying outrageous things about the "Million/Interzone" scam!' wrote Maureen Speller. Chris Priest summed it up: `The reappearance of "Ansible" was greeted by most as a portent of good times; of course, I tend to see it as a portent of something else.' What? ### GRAPHIC DEBAUCHERY ### "17 Oct:" Gollancz launched their new line of graphic novels with almost lavish drinks at a odd-shaped London gallery. The walls were hung with originals -- often in a rather confusing order -- from the initial books "A Small Killing" (Alan Moore/Oscar Zarate) and "The Luck in the Head" (M.John Harrison/Ian Miller), plus future glories like the Ian Macdonald- scripted "Kling Klang Klatch" ... which from the specimen on view would appear to be about depraved teddy-bears. The usual rabble of sf freeloaders was diluted by an influx from the sensitive worlds of art and comix. Alan Moore's major-prophet beard and hairstyle successfully concealed his reactions (if any) from the masses. Most artistic comment was directed at cuddly editor Faith Brooker's simulated leopard-skin shoes, clearly the hit of the evening. A Gollancz publicity master explained the shortage of "Luck in the Head" review copies with the effortless fluency of one whose first infant words were, `Your cheque's in the post.' David Pringle waved dummies of his new "Realms of Fantasy" (conspicuously lacking the words `Realms' and `of') and his old "Million", issue 6, resubtitled as `The Magazine "About" Popular Fiction' in hope of explaining it to the public and stemming a tide of fiction submissions formerly rejected by Mills & Boon. `Since they've fired you, are GW Books folding?' I asked him tactfully. He said, with caution: `"They" say no, but, in effect ... yes. They're claiming to "revive" the line in 6-12 months. Some chance.'GW novels by Garnett, Watson, `Yeovil' etc. remain in limbo. Meanwhile ace reviewer John Clute was poring delightedly over his latest task, being "Futurespeak: A Fan's Guide to the Language of SF" by Roberta Rogow (Paragon House $24.95). `This entry has more mistakes than words,' he marvelled: SLANS "(literary): Superhuman successors to homo sapiens in a series of stories by A.E.van Vogt, beginning in 1925 with" Galactic Lensman.... `She's a Trekkie,' explained Mr Pringle. `The entries on "Star Trek" are quite good. The entry on "Future History" omits Robert Heinlein. As for the New Wave....' He blenched and sought consolation in the Bulgarian wine, which had run out. The books? "The Luck in the Head" was and is an effectively unpleasant story, here tizzied up by Miller in his chaotic `asylum images' style (as opposed to the better-known `tight pen' art -- his phrasing), which conveys the nastiness but is tiring to read ... some of the scattered text was hard going even in those full-sized originals. "A Small Killing", with trad speech balloons, has the expected word-perfect script from Moore, dissecting the familiar idea that people Get On In Life by doing violence to their old selves, and tracking its yuppie adman hero back through bad turnings to his first `killing' as a kid. Good hallucinatory climax (with one creaky bit ... an early, implausible flashback which seemingly exists only to be Significantly Echoed in the finale). Zarate's water-colourish art, though swerving occasionally and dangerously towards a `funny papers' look (cf. his and Alexei Sayle's "Geoffrey the Tube Train and the Fat Comedian"), is just about right for the surreal images here -- as slick, schematic realism wouldn't have been. But where was Mike Harrison? A vast, unattributable voice intoned, `He might get out more if they hadn't nailed his feet to a pedestal.' By now the lavish victuals had dwindled to fizzy water and detumescent celery: Chris Evans led us off to a pub, which in retrospect was a mistake.... ### CONDOM ### 8-10 Nov ALTERCON 666, London. GoH John `Great Beast' Jarrold. Elusive, crepuscular, multi-venued and redolent of fish-oil, this event is too secret to be listed here. Sorry. (Sources have traced the fish-oil motif to Altacon 1990, where a functionally impaired John Brosnan shouted his GoH speech: `FISH-OIL! GIVE ME FISH-OIL! FISH-OIL! ... FISH-OIL! "I WANT FISH-OIL!" FISH-OIL! ... FETCH FISH-OIL! "FISH-OIL!!!!!"' Etc, etc.) 15-17 Nov FANTASYCON XIV, Ramada Inn West London. #30 reg (#25 BFS members): GoHs Dan Simmons, Jonathan Carroll and Brian Lumley.... Rooms #44/single, #68/double. Contact 15 Stanley Rd, Morden, Surrey, SM4 5DE -- in haste. 21 Nov BSFA LONDON MEET at Old Coffee House, Beak St, with stupefyingly famous Iain Sinclair. 30 Nov to 1 Dec X-ASM, The Hotel Metropole, Leeds. #12 reg, #15 at the door, rooms #25/person/night. GoH M.John Harrison. Contact 16 Aviary Place, Armley, Leeds, LS12 2NP. 17-20 Apr 92 ILLUMINATION, 43rd Eastercon, Norbreck Castle Hotel, Blackpool. #20 reg. GoHs Paul McAuley, Geoff Ryman, Pam Wells (fan). Plus TAFF winner JEANNE BOWMAN or Richard Brandt. Contact 379 Myrtle Rd, Sheffield, S2 3HQ. PR3 (Oct, with hotel booking form) warns that membership rates rise on 5 Nov. To what? ... They don't actually say. 22-25 May 92 INCONSEQUENTIAL, Aston Court Hotel, Derby. #15 reg, rooms #32/single, #52/double. Contact 12 Crich Avenue, Littleover, Derby, DE3 6ES. `Humour' theme. Ho, ho. `Late Aug' 92 CAR-CON II in two vehicles hurtling round the M25 (no, not a joke). #12.50 reg. GoH Kevin Davies. Contact 68 Gotch Rd, Barton Seagrave, Kettering, NN15 6UQ. 8-12 Apr 93 HELICON, 44th Eastercon, Hotel de France, Jersey. #20 reg (#22 from 1 Dec 91). GoHs John Brunner, George R.R.Martin. Contact 63 Drake Rd, Chessington, Surrey, KT9 1LQ. First PR now out, and conscientious Eddie Cochrane provides an Erratum Note: `On p.3, for "the lap of an Italian-Tasmanian maiden" please read "a machine in Aldermaston".' "RUMBLINGS." Birmingham's sparsely attended TWENTYCON (July) lost over #1100 in tides of apathy; conrunning expert Martin Hoare says sympathetically, `The Brum Group's been creaming a profit off boring Novacons for years, so they can afford it.' In contrast, WINCON II (August) came out #898 ahead -- #500 earmarked for WINCON III in August 94 and the rest for Various Fan Charities. But what of the "first" Wincon's mislaid funds, and its allegedly hard-to-locate treasurer J*y H*bb*rt? "[Resolved since we went to press for Novacon -- Ed.]" CONFICTION has almost broken even, says "Shards of Babel" -- the outstanding debtors being "Locus" and Malcolm Edwards.... P.K.DICK CELEBRATION (OCT): `Appalling,' said Brian Stableford. `I stuck it for one day.' He bewailed inadequate facilities, hard seats, boring speakers, and ideologically correct catering with the choice of (a) a vegetarian chef's delight at #5, or (b) hunger. `Was there a bar?' I asked. `There was this "small hatch in the wall" that was very occasionally open for bottled beer....' ### TEN YEARS AGO ### Where are they now, the stars of the 1981 `Silicon Fan Poll'? "Favourite/Cuddliest/Most Lovable UK Fan:" Eve Harvey. "Best Dressed:" Chris Atkinson/Joe Nicholas (tie). "Most Illiterate:" Pete Presford. "Favourite Con:" Seacon '79. "Least Favourite:" Mancon '76. "Best Fan Artist:" Jim Barker. "Most Awful Fringefan Group:" Gannets/Trekkies (tie). "Oldest Active Fan:" Terry Jeeves/Ethel Lindsay/Rog Peyton (tie). "Fave SF Writer At Age 15:" Asimov. "Worst SF Novel Ever: `THE NUMBER OF THE BEAST'. Worst Movie: THE BLACK HOLE/PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE" (tie). "Worst TV SF: SPACE: 1999". "Owner Of Largest Male Fan Appendage:" Robert P.Holdstock. "Funniest Fan:" Leroy Kettle. "Drunkest:" Greg Pickersgill. "Fan Who Falls Over Most:" D.West. "Worst Fanzine Ever: FANZINE FANATIQUE". "Writer Of The Most Boring Letters:" Joe Nicholas. "Most Pretentious Current Publication: OMNI" ("Interzone" was =4th). "Deafest Fan:" oh come now.... ("Ansible 21", Nov 81). ### EROTICON 6: OCTOBER ### "MARTIN HOARE drools:" Where else could a convention about eroticism be held but in the Tollgate Motel near Gravesend? We arrived at 11pm to find the fetish party well under way. Jean wondered about its dress (or undress) code: investigating, I met Judith Looker in a fetching leather dress whose skimpiness was an obvious effort towards animal friendliness. `Everybody is trying to outweird each other,' she explained. I ran back and donned a propeller beanie while Jean chose her slinky PVC frock in case of water pistol fights. The party was great fun with a wild array of costumes: naughty nurses, vicars, gladiators, Nic Farey in a sequined dress. I wish I'd taken my camera, not so much to snap the costumes as staff and mundanes who wandered past. The beanie was a popular fannish fetish -- everybody wanted to spin my propeller. Official guests Mary Gentle, Alex Stewart* and Richard Wells were joined by the artists Chris Achilleos and Peter Pracownik. The programme was interesting -- sometimes even sercon. By order of the committee it was not pornographic but about eroticism in SF. Many discussions came back to censorship, a cause of concern to most con members. This was a very friendly and enjoyable con, with that fannish spirit I remember from long ago. The committee were efficient and even laid on a crate of beer for the (very) late night showing of "Rocky Horror". An interesting programme, accessible guests, a good hotel despite bemused staff.... There has to be a sequel: Eroticon 6, the Second Coming? [* Erotically famed editor of "Prongs of Priapus" -- Ed.] ### NAMING NAMES ### "Greg Bear"'s February 1992 visit to Britain will (says the Brum Group newsletter, correcting itself) actually be a 1993 visit. "Paul Brazier's" quarterly sf magazine "Nexus" has yet to publish its second, or July, issue. `I'm told that Howard Waldrop is really mad at Paul, who apparently commissioned him to do something, forgot what it was, and wrote asking Howard to tell him what he'd agreed to write. How like Paul.' "[MS]" "Chris Evans", long lost in the obscurity of teaching, is working like crazy to finish his first novel since, I think, 1985.... "David Garnett" has had to lower his "New Worlds" word rates. `I'm paying #40 per thou. (I lost out on #1, paid out too much at #45 per -- couldn't stop buying brill stories!)' "Garry Kilworth" is on the Smarties prize shortlist (for best children's novel) with "The Drowners" "[SG]". I liked the book, a 19th- century ghost story about the arcane technology of water meadows ... but was it our Garry or Methuen's copy-editor who put all the period measurements into litres and metres? "Stan Nicholls" will co-edit "[SG]", that is, be deputy editor of "[DP]" David Pringle's planned "Realms of Fantasy" (Spring 92?). "Terry Pratchett" pays the Price of Fame, being deprived of the 1992/3 Eastercons owing to GoH spots in Australia and New Zealand. Likewise Novacon: `the World Fantasy Con is at the same time and I'm going because the fantasy mafia have put "Good Omens" (by *NEIL GAIMAN* and some bald guy) on the award shortlist.' He mysteriously adds, `I don't go to baleful Mexicons any more.' Who's been baleful at him, now? "Chris Priest" has delivered his Radio 4 play of "The Glamour", with (by BBC request) yet another changed ending. And: `The Beeb has sent me Part 1 of their "Quiet Woman" tv dramatization, and I am mucho impressed with the professional and imaginative job they are doing. (Unlike other previous dramatizations of my stuff.) The minor film of "Wessex" being made in Australia has creaked into life again. I am a Media Man.' ### INFINITELY IMPROBABLE ### HARPERCOLLINS RESHUFFLE: upwardly mobile Malcolm Edwards soars to `Publishing Director -- Fiction' ("all" fiction); Jane Johnson is sf/fantasy/horror editorial director. `ME's empire is now almost of Austro-Hungarian extent. He will soon be permanently in meetings, emerging only to pick up his salary.' "[CP]" "EUROTEMPS:" the second `Temps' semi-superhero anthology is set for Penguin/Roc publication in 1992, with these supremely well-ordered contents: `If Looks Could Kill' (D.Langford), `A Virus in the System' (Christopher Amies), `Hide and Seek' (Jenny Jones), `Le Grand Moans' (Anne Gay), `El Lobo Dorado is Dead, is Dead' (Liz Holliday), `Playing Safe' (Marcus Rowland), `Sortilege and Serendipity' (Brian Stableford), `Photo Finished' (Molly Brown), `Monastic Lives' (Graham Joyce), `The Foreign Post' (Colin Greenland), `A Problem Shared' (Tina Anghelatos -- `the only first sale'), `Totally Trashed' (Roz Kaveney), `The Law of Being' (Storm Constantine) ... `Plus various linking bits by me,' adds hero editor Alex Stewart. SEDUCTION OF THE INNOCENT: the return of "Thunderbirds" to BBC2 has outraged the anti-smoking lobby. `Children ... will all see Lady Penelope constantly holding a cigarette,' gasps an ASH person in the "Grauniad". "[AJF] "But does she ... inhale? LATE OBIT. Steve `Mr Horror UK' Jones's anthology "Shadows over Innsmouth", assembled for the H.P.Lovecraft centenary in 1990, finally died of eldritch publishing apathy this year. An ashen-faced Steve explained: "`Ia! Ia! Shub-Niggurath!'" FORTEAN PHENOMENA: `I've just heard that Nutley, E.Sussex, was recently showered with packages of cannabis. Nothing to do with Neil Gaiman surely?' "[MS]" RIP ... Arkady Strugatsky, 14 Oct; and Gene Roddenberry of "Star Trek" fame, 24 Oct (in Santa Monica, CA). "[AJF]" TAFF UPROAR? For fear of postal regulations, Jeanne Bowman's campaign fanzine "Dangerous Visitors" (mailed in Britain by a visiting pal) carries the only UK return address Jeanne had handy in her last- minute rush at the printers' ... being that of our nevertheless impartial TAFF administrator Pam Wells. A flood of one accusing complaint has poured in to Pam from politically correct Joseph (for it is he) Nicholas. BEYOND THE ENCHANTED DUPLICATOR ... Michael Ashley is reviewing this Willis/White `fan classic sequel' and has got as far as, `Gah -- "The Enchanted Convention" really "sucks".' LIES: `Steve Green is to edit "Fear", bought for #500 from Newsfield's liquidators by Pegasus ("Gamesman" etc.) of Brum; John Gilbert is allegedly "contesting this bitterly"' ... thus "A52"'s first (Novacon) printing, but it's all wrong. Boo to David Pringle's research. Nervous apologies to the others concerned. Text (c) Dave Langford, 1991. We can read IBM 3.5", IBM 5.25" 360k or PCW 3" disks by arrangement. "Ansible" may be xeroxed for fan groups. Inputs: Abigail Frost AJF, Steve Green SG, Chris Priest CP, Maureen Speller MS. "revised 6/11/91" Posted by Dave Langford ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk ANSIBLE 53 DECEMBER 1991 From DAVE LANGFORD, 94 London Road, Reading, Berkshire, RG1 5AU. Fax 0734 669914. ISSN 0265-9816. Available at random fan gatherings, by whim or for stamped addressed envelopes -- sorry, no paid subscriptions. [Disclaimer: Each issue of ANSIBLE is designed for exquisite DTP in multiple fonts. This text dump for CIX and Usenet looks awful. So it goes. DRL] Further sf news and gossip in the spirit of the great Mel Brooks, who said definitively: "`Tragedy is if I cut my finger.... Comedy is if you walk into an open sewer and die.'" ### THE NOVACON 21 TRADITION ### "ABIGAIL FROST hurtles through:" Let's get this straight. Linda Krawecke and I were as shocked as everybody else. Only when our astral bodies returned for Sunday breakfast (after a hard night rushing about doing good) did we learn how our earthly forms had ruthlessly extracted money* for double-vodkas-and-orange to prepare J.Nicholas (who'd recklessly come without his minder) for the traditional fannish art-form of Joseph Decoration. They have been severely disciplined, while TAFF benefited from Joe's wimpish collapse after a mere three. "[Next day his face looked ... well-scrubbed -- Ed.]" Colin Greenland's several contributions to a bumper programme book included answers to the long-disused Novacon Questions: "`Do you have a nickname?'" "`No.'" (So what happened to "Cyberpixie"?) The same book revealed his beatific state to be another tradition, with Ted Tubb sighing `anyone who's been a Novacon GoH has already been to heaven' and Langford babbling of `"droit du seigneur" over the more nubile committee members' at Novacon 15 ... "which" Pearson sister? (Or Tony Berry?) Colin's GoH interview was the programme's highlight, as befits the only item I saw which didn't involve Pam Wells selling Nova awards or Michael Ashley filling swag-bags with luminous plastic slugs. Or possibly the other way round. A further neglected fan tradition -- your editor's epic nose-bleed -- was revived at Pam's TAFF auction. I missed it, being too abstracted with joy at not having to sell exotic condoms to Martin Smith after Helena Bowles withdrew her bid on learning she was only getting one. (Me, I'd have strangled her and had done with it.) I did, however, view the ensanguined snot-rag. Under the Commonwealth huge sums were paid for handkerchiefs dipped in the blood of Charles, King and Martyr, but nobody wanted this one. Perhaps we should try next year with Steve Green's. Gripes centered traditionally on the hotel -- too far out for traditional treks to cheap curry-houses, and often rather staff- stretched. Breakfast saw hungover queues forming in spite of countless empty seats. The restaurant's `Novocon "[sic]" menu' was OK and reasonably priced, though, even if wine did come in the wrong-sized bottle, after the food and before the glasses. The waiter's heart could be won forever with a used match-box, which is a new one on me. Some traditions underwent subtle, post-modernist reinterpretation: thus, Avedon Carol was browbeating people to cast Nova votes for Michael Ashley. (Good try, but not quite funny enough.) I dressed up in black Lycra mini-dress and pink stilettos for Bradford Boy's benefit, but the miserable cunt stayed away that evening. Workaholic fun-lover John Jarrold checked into his overflow hotel to find a Macdonald sales conference; ecstatically he took Rob Holdstock over to share its delights, and was never seen again. Newlyweds John Brunner and LiYi Tan were out in force; she impressed one and all by her command of English after barely three months here. The real stunner was the Novas. I'd got my orders by radio-wave from Keighley only just in time ("`The contest looks wide open. The Storm Constantine Information Service could sneak past and steal the lot.... And if you hear young Ashley plugging the name of Ken Cheslin, hit him.'" [DW]). But as Harry Bond's three tellers soon learned, another block vote was operating. `I don't believe this!' gasped Rhodri James. `John Richards?' wept your reporter. `I've known about it for "ages",' said hoity-toity Caroline Mullan. Interesting times. All in all, a con like wot they don't make 'em any more.... (Except for Mexicon.) [* `Come on Illingworth! You must be more "generous and funloving" than Martin Hoare and the fake Bob Shaw! ... That's all right, Sorensen -- let's you and me go to your room and "get" your wallet!'] ### WE NAME THE GUILTY ... ### "Isaac Asimov" is the sole almost-living writer on a "Harper's Magazine" list of `cultural icons' -- names so famous that US computer folk are told never to use them as passwords. (Too predictable ... yup, that's our Isaac.) Dead writers listed: Aristotle, Confucius, Goethe and Hitler. Other literary figures: Dracula, Frodo, Garfield and Superman. Ah, culture. [CP] "Neil Gaiman"'s 1991 World Fantasy Award for the `Midsummer Night's Dream' issue of his "Sandman" comic has, we hear, provoked vast rule- rewriting plans to save the Short Story category from any repetition of this terrible thing. "Rob Holdstock" has been eagerly telling everyone about a certain discrepancy between the rampant, priapic wooden image described in his triffic new novel "The Fetch" (Orbit, Dec), and its tastefully eroded depiction on the cover. "L.Ron Hubbard" typescripts (1940s shorts like `Man Eats Monster' and `He Found G-d' "[sic]") are offered by US dealer Barry Levin at $35- $50,000 each. Who'd pay "that"? Oh, I see.... "Garry & Annette Kilworth" return from their lengthy Hong Kong stint in January, but will be `travelling until April'. "Chris Morgan" has delivered a book on fortune telling to Quintet, with the oblique and witty title "Fortune Telling". "Peter Nicholls" was recently struck by lightning, twice ... well, his and Clare Coney's house in Melbourne was. [YR] The only reported casualty: his fax machine. A nation mourns. "David Pringle" gloats: `Heard that another magazine has gone? "Blast" has folded, and John Brown Publishing is rumoured to be in some difficulties despite "Viz". Isn't "Million" doing well by comparison?' He goes on to exult that Frank Muir Himself is now a subscriber. "Ian Watson", speaking at Soupcon, revealed the closely guarded secret of his script work for a Stanley Kubrick skiffy epic. The shady figure `Ansible Dave', who had to move text between the Watson and Kubrick disk formats, aroused paranoid dread in Mr K: `How do we know we can "trust" this guy?' etc. [MAH] As for the content -- my lips are sealed, but a Major SF Figure is said to be less than ecstatic about Kubrick's choice of author to replace him as adaptor of "his" story.... ### INFINITELY IMPROBABLE ### TEN YEARS AGO ... major sf figure Brian Aldiss was a Booker Prize judge. `There was a distinct science-fictional (or "metaphorical-structural", as we euphemistically say in Booker circles) aura to half the novels in the shortlist. Like: Lessing's "The Sirian Experiments" is definitely galactic empire stuff, if not a patch on Doc Smith; Thomas's "The White Hotel" opens with a poem, integral to the novel, which was published in "New Worlds" in its palmier days; even the winner, Rushdie's "Midnight's Children", is about Wyndhamesque telepathic kids....' ("Ansible 22", Dec 81). NOVA AWARDS. Best fanzine: "Saliromania" ed. Michael Ashley (2 -- "Helicon discussion Fanzine"; 3 -- "Lip"). Fan writer: Michael Ashley (2 -- John Richards, 3 -- D.Langford). Fan artist: D.West (2 -- Dave Mooring; 3 -- Sue Mason). [HB] Best block vote: see Helicon's Eastercon PR1 self-promotion (`Crass, but what do you expect from "Illingworth"?' -- Martin Hoare). Best blitz of material appearing too (ahem) late to have any effect on the Novas: D.West in every other fanzine at Novacon 21.... MYSTIC ROSE. The new "Lone Wolf" fantasy from `John Grant' may interest a certain editorial collective. Who is the proudly professional officer with `an unstable glint in his eyes', who speaks of `the Mysteries of the Midnight Rose, which are More Obtuse than Mortal Man May Know', and clinches a deal with: `I swear it on my favourite unit of currency!' RIP ... Irwin Allen ("Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea, Lost in Space, The Time Tunnel", etc) died on 2 Nov, aged 75. [SG] HAZEL'S LANGUAGE LESSONS: GAELIC ... "taghairm", inspiration sought by lying in a bullock's hide behind a waterfall. TAFF RULES OK? Pam Wells is conducting an informal poll about -- perhaps -- dropping the `write-in' option from TransAtlantic Fan Fund ballots. Why? At present someone could "theoretically" win via write-in votes, without making any commitment to travel and run the fund ... even without being willing to do either. Unlikely, but the loophole might as well be closed in this rare period of no major TAFF controversy. BOOK DUMP: contemplating their paperback of Brian Stableford's "Empire of Fear", Pan hesitated over the C-format version ... to remainder it, undercutting the new edition, or pay for further storage? Solution: Brian's home is now entirely full of freebie copies which he mustn't sell you for, er, a while. "FIRE & WATER" is HarperCollins's new sf publicity sheet (far better than the dread "Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster"). #1 lists selected World Fantasy Awards: Robert McCammon's "Mine" (best horror), Kim Stanley Robinson's "Pacific Edge" (best sf) and Unwin Hyman (best Jane Johnson, er, Euro sf publisher). THE LIQUIDATOR: JUDGEMENT DAY. The report on Newsfield Ltd's collapse conveys that the company's only moneyspinners were computer titles based on now-dying machines. "Fear" is scorned as a `fanzine' with `limited circulation ... very low advertisement income ... marginal results up to the end'. "GMI": `the gaming market was in deep recession ... circulation and advertisement income targets were never achieved'. "Frighteners" is oddly described as `selected short stories from famous and unknown authors, who were keen to find an outlet for their publishing efforts'; after #1 was removed from sale thanks to complaints about Graham Masterton's everyday tale of bestial perversion, Newsfield actually paid Learned Counsel to vet later issues. Post-crash deficit is #406,378, with familiar creditors' names: David V.Barrett #71, Kim Newman #132, Stan Nicholls #154, Ramsey Campbell #164, me #199, Ashley Watkins #440, Guy N.Smith #493, Liz Holliday #1029, Wayne Murphy (whose Mystery Surname only ever appears in these glum reports) #2000, and -- the winnah! -- John Gilbert #2451. RIP ... Robert Maxwell's death at sea (5 Nov) led to much comment. Radio 4: `The weather in the Tenerife area was calm ...' C.Priest, instantly: `... except for a large unexplained wave that destroyed seafront buildings.' What now of publishing institutions like Macdonald/Futura, Macmillan, Scribner and John Jarrold? Amid current horrific revelations and resignations, Maxwell Communications' book folk (`Unprofitable' -- "The Guardian") must be feeling nervously for their pensions. Lucky Allan Bryce, whose horror mag "The Dark Side" was dropped by Maxwell and rapidly revived by himself.... SUCCESS! Terry Pratchett was a double Nov bestseller with "Witches Abroad" (hc) and "Moving Pictures" (pb). Iain Sinclair got #500 as "Guardian" fiction prize runner-up, for "Downriver". The #4000 Gollancz/"Bookshelf" `first fantasy novel' prize -- that is, advance -- goes to John Whitbourn for "A Dangerous Energy." ### CONDOM ### 19 Dec XMAS WELLINGTON ("no BSFA meeting"). New Year Wellington 2 Jan -- chillingly soon after festive excess, but `people will certainly be there,' say Secret Masters [RR]. 25 Jan PENTACON, Univ. Centre, Cambridge. #5 reg. SF/fan/academia mix. Contact Helen Steele, Newnham College. 31 Jan - 2 Feb FOURPLAY, Victoria Pk Hotel, Wolverhampton. #18 reg, rooms #28/person/night. GoHs Cynthia McQuillan, Jane Robinson, Colin Fine. Contact 2 Craithie Rd, Vicars Cross, Chester, CH3 5JL. `4th British filkcon ... I know it's a bit beyond the pale,' quavers a trembling Alison Scott. 21-3 Feb LUCON IVY, Leeds University Union, in some town or other. #7 reg. GoH Gwynneth "[sic]" Jones. Leeds U SF Soc, PO Box 157, Leeds, LS1 1UH. 7 Mar PICOCON 10, annual one-day thrash of Imperial College SF Soc at IC, Prince Consort Rd, S.Kensington. 17-20 Apr ILLUMINATION, 43rd Eastercon; Norbreck Castle Hotel, Blackpool. #25 reg -- note recent increase. Rooms #28/person/night. GoHs Paul McAuley, Geoff Ryman, Pam Wells (fan). Contact 379 Myrtle Rd, Sheffield, S2 3HQ. 24-6 Apr FREUCON, Eurocon; Freudenstadt, Germany. #15 reg (#20 from 1 Jan) to UK agent Oliver Gruter, Dept of Physics, RHBN College, Egham, Surrey, TW20 0EX. 6-8 Nov NOVACON 22, Forte Post House Hotel near bloody Birmingham airport as in 1991, `subject to confirmation'. #18 reg. GoH Storm Constantine. Contact, as ever, 121 Cape Hill, Smethwick, Warley, W.Midlands, B66 4SH. 8-12 Apr 93 HELICON, 44th Eastercon (+Eurocon); Hotel de France, Jersey. #22 reg. GoHs John Brunner, George R.R.Martin. Contact 63 Drake Rd, Chessington, Surrey, KT9 1LQ. 1-4 Apr 94 45th Eastercon bids: CONTACT, Isle of Man, #1 presupp to PO Box 29, Hitchin, Herts, SG4 9TG (Nic Farey wishes to state that `A Bill to decriminalize homosexual acts ... is on its way through Tynwald, the island's Parliament.'); SOU'WESTER, Bristol, #2 presupp to 3 West Shrubbery, Redland, Bristol, BS6 6SZ. Either way, `Authoritative rumour has Martin Easterbrook already preparing a rescue bid.' [AJF] "RUMBLINGS" The mislaid WINCON I funds returned seconds after "A52" went to press, via a cheque from Harry Bond (eh?). All is well. [] Apparently little but the scheduled gluttony and excess took place at SOUPCON (Jersey). NOVACON 21: `Crap hotel, crap programme, a few nice people,' opined Martin Hoare. `But Ian Stewart's talk was wonderful,' protested Sue Jones. `No one could get to that,' Mr Hoare scoffed, `it was on at "dawn". [10:30]' Brum Group chair Chris Chivers denounces Martin's "A52" remarks on Novacon profits, insisting that these all go to worthy sf causes and that the BSFG is Not Well Off. ### FEAR AND LOATHING ### No, Steve Green will not be editing "Fear" as misreported in the first version of "A52". `Even if Pegasus had bought the title (they haven't), persuaded John Gilbert to relinquish his claim (they won't) and offered me the job, I'd have had to decline. There's plenty of bad will attached to "Fear", as evidenced by the stream of people asking me (on reading "Ansible 52") when I was going to pay them the money they were owed by Newsfield....' [SG] Many apologies, boss. Our ace newshound David Pringle adds, self-abasingly: `The story came from what I thought was an unimpeachable source who told me he'd got it directly from John Gilbert.' [] In fact Steve did turn down a "Fear" subeditorial post in early 1991, well before the crash. The later rumour is now ascribed to `some prat at "Starburst"'. Text (c) Dave Langford, 1991; may be xeroxed for others. Inputs: Harry Bond, Abigail Frost, Steve Green, Martin Hoare, Chris Priest, Roger Robinson, Yvonne Rousseau, D.West. 5/12/91 Posted by Dave Langford ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk ANSIBLE 53 1/2 XMAS 1991 From DAVE LANGFORD, 94 London Road, Reading, Berkshire, RG1 5AU. Fax 0734 669914. ISSN 0265-9816. Available by whim or for hot mince pies, turkey with chestnut stuffing, crackers etc. A Merry Saturnalia to you all. [Disclaimer: Each issue of ANSIBLE is designed for exquisite DTP in multiple fonts. This text dump for CIX and Usenet looks awful. So it goes. DRL] SMALL ADS in "Ansible" are free of charge! Please place your camera-ready copy in Box 1, Gents' Toilet, The Wellington, near Waterloo Station. The editor's indecision is final. ### THE PETER WESTON TROPHY EXCHANGE ### `I was SHATTERED when my Hugo disintegrated into "a myriad cheap plastic fragments",' wept Mr H*ld*m*n of the USA. `I had one once but the "fin fell off",' says broken Mr L*ngf*rd of Reading. Has "your" life too been "ruined" by flimsy foreign construction? HELP IS AT HAND! For only a small fee our HUGO UPGRADE SERVICE can replace those shameful shards with "true-blue British workmanship" ... with the traditional heft of real metal. Batteries not included. Write "now" to Uncle Peter, 14 St Bernards Rd, Sutton Coldfield, West Midlands, B72 1LE. HAZEL'S LANGUAGE LESSONS: GREEK, As She Is Spoke By John Major: [Greek script omitted] (from "The Patient's Charter -- a summary"). Pronunciation tip: say `Patient's Charter'. TURKISH: "Peysint Cartir" is what it says here.... NOVACON NEGOTIATOR SOUGHT. If "your" silver-tongued eloquence can persuade our hotel to offer con discount rates which "don't exceed" standard room charges for ordinary visitors, the Birmingham SF Group would love to hear from you! Box N22. ### L.RON HUBBARD'S FANS OF THE FUTURE ### L.Ron teaches us that all "fannish hang-ups" can be traced to "pre-birth engrams" recorded by the "unknowing fan foetus".... CASE HISTORY: KMCV. Once, banished by a tiff from the marital bed, K's father rebelled at the hard couch. `No, "you" take the b -- sofa!' he cried. Quickening within his mother's womb, the foetal K heard this as `You take over the BSFA!' and spent the next 25 years tortured by a compulsion to obey -- forever frustrated, as he had "no idea how to do so". Then FOTF came to the rescue! KMcV's "free personality test" (only 50p!) indicated a six-month pre-clear course in BSFAmanship, led by such luminaries as Alan Dorey(TM) and Maureen Speller. After only ten such courses, K took over the BSFA and became a "fully integrated personality". L.RON HUBBARD'S FANS OF THE FUTURE had triumphed again! [To be continued.] MARTIN HOARE -- AN APOLOGY. "Ansible" has apologized to Martin for quoting him as saying, of Novacon 21: `Crap hotel, crap programme, a few nice people.' We now acknowledge that this was a gross misrepresentation of Mr Hoare's views, and that the final words should read: `quite a few nice people.' STEVE GREEN -- AN APOLOGY. We are very sorry about Steve Green. "INTERZONE" CROSSOVER ISSUE. Rejoice! By special arrangement, "Ansible 56" will be combined with "Interzone 56" and sent to all "IZ" subscribers as well as you lot. To avoid disappointing these dozens if not scores of new readers, the issue will include extra `guest' features: [] 50-word `It Pays To Increase Your Clute Power' reviews ramification [] "Warhammer" drabble trilogy by Kim Newman Outraged letter from an "Interzone" subscriber Editorial microdot by David Pringle, explaining "Ansible"'s superiority over higher-circulation magazines. [] ASPIRING AUTHOR? You need the "Charles Stross Novel Reading Service". Our expert gives "state-of-the-art programmed tuition" and "hands-on market experience" by letting you read his novels. [] CASE HISTORY: AC. A free FAN-METER test (only 50p!) laid bare the engram which held her in thrall. While AC was but a tadpole her mother overheard a squabble between rival Armenian priests. `Your altar-cloth is crap,' said one, and the retort `Your censer is shit!' reached the embryonic ears as ... `Censorship!' So AC grew to womanhood unable to express her true feelings because "her brain censored itself!" Now, freed at last from this inner prison by FANS OF THE FUTURE therapy, she joyfully rants against the censors of this world at every opportunity. Nothing can stop her now! (This last problem may result from a small bug in the psycho-programming, but we are working on it and soon expect "another happy ending" for L.RON HUBBARD'S FANS OF THE FUTURE!) EASTERCON '94 VOTING. Reject any bid venues in EC countries condemned by Amnesty International for human rights violations! (E.g. Britain.) Write "now" to the Committee For Holding All Future Eastercons In Holland Or Luxembourg, Box 92. TOP SF EDITOR, many contacts, often sober, may soon be free to accept major post. Pension essential. JJ c/o Macdonald. KATIE -- congrats on our 10th wedding anniversary! Martin. COMPUTER FREAKS! The Leeds Group is pleased to announce that it is at last "socially OK" to work for computer firms, produce fanzines via desktop publishing, and drone on about your DTP set-up in said fanzines ... while retaining "right-on Angst "and "total cool!" Learn how from the NIGEL E.RICHARDSON SCHOOL OF COOL, Box 386SXM/16. (No beards need apply.) [] CASE HISTORY: TI. His mother, the first midshipwoman in the Royal Navy, had a nasty encounter (only 50p!) when Welsh pirate captain Short Chris Evans and his evil crew overran her ship. One broke open the captain's locker to reveal spirits and pieces of eight, and called: `Rum, coins, Evans!' But Evans had viler plans. `Bugger coins!' he roared. `Coins won't off-shoot my loins!' Through the plashing of the amniotic fluid, little TI understood these muffled voices as: `Run cons! Ever- bigger cons! Cons on offshore islands!' Sure enough, that is what he grew up to do (after his mother had been luckily rescued by HMS "Easterbrook"). This incredible story could never have been revealed without L.RON HUBBARD'S FANS OF THE FUTURE! JERRY POURNELLE is afraid of heights! But as I say in my ace collection "N-Space", `I have never once heard Jerry suggest that people should be forced to stop building skyscrapers ... If some folk are terrified of unseen death by radiation, then let 'em deal with their own neuroses, instead of forcing us to stop building the atomic plants.' This has been a paid plea from the "Larry Niven Campaign for More Nukes and Null-A Logic". TENSE? NERVOUS? Afraid of "voting wrong" in fan awards? Full, easy- to-understand instructions available: Helicon, Box 69. NERVOUS? TENSE? Afraid of "voting wrong" in fan awards and getting thumped? Astral Guidance only 50p! D.West, Box 96. CASE HISTORY: SI. It was a ferry terminal mix-up: `Tell me,' wailed Paterfamilias, "`what ship my car is on!'" Receiving the garbled command `Worship Mike Harrison!', the incipient SI was doomed to spend his life ... "[That's enough engrams -- Ed.] "READERS OF "ANSIBLE" UNITE! "Demand" better value for money. "Ask" if it's true that for "A53 1/2" the editor plans to print only one [the original stopped here and did not continue as usual overleaf]. Text (c) Dave Langford, 1994 15/1/94 Posted by Dave Langford ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk ANSIBLE 54 JANUARY 1992 From DAVE LANGFORD, 94 London Road, Reading, Berkshire, RG1 5AU. Fax 0734 669914. ISSN 0265-9816. Available at random fan gatherings, by whim or for stamped addressed envelopes -- sorry, no paid subscriptions. [Disclaimer: Each issue of ANSIBLE is designed for exquisite DTP in multiple fonts. This text dump for CIX and Usenet looks awful. So it goes. DRL] BSFA DIRECTIVE #5,271,009/91: Following summit talks on a Single European Fandom, all British fanzines must in future conform to A4 or A5 format. As from mid-1992 there will be heavy fines for using quarto or being Rob Hansen. Pass it on. ### WHO HE? (ED.) ### "David V.Barrett" wishes it to be known that Chris Morgan's book "Fortune Telling" (see "A53") will be utterly outclassed by DVB's "The Encyclopaedia of Prediction", to be delivered soon. "Paul" `I wish you hadn't written that' "Brazier"'s joyful Xmas card promises that his "Nexus 2" will appear Real Soon Now. "Chuck Death", cartoonist of `Great Pop Things' ("NME" and "LA Times"), is actually my more famous brother Jon -- now offered Vast Sums by Penguin for a collection of these `total lies about rock people'. For some odd reason the Penguin contract has a no-blasphemy clause. `That can't get you into any trouble?' I asked. JL: `Er, um, there "is" this sequence where God gets totally out of his skull on LSD and destroys the world....' "Our media correspondent adds:" `I refer you to the 17 Dec "Village Voice" (New York), in which your Jon of the Mekons makes an appearance. Or a bit of him does. In plaster. With instructions on how to do it. Or how it was done.' [RIB] What, again? "Garry Kilworth" explains that Methuen made him change 19th-century yards and gallons (in "The Drowners") to metres and litres because `they said kids wouldn't understand'. Whatever next? `The term "half a guinea" should be altered to "53p". References to playing halma and diabolo will not be understood -- please substitute "Nintendo" throughout.' "Michael Moorcock"'s latest notepaper is headed, `By Appointment: HARLAN ELLISON'S BRITISH MOUTHPIECE.' Pardon? "Terry Pratchett" is overcome, not merely at being gently done over in "Private Eye". `Discworld may slow down a bit from now on ... after four or five years at this rate the social bolts are shaking loose. Besides, the sheer "business" of authoring takes up more and more time -- we have to handle the mail with a shovel.' But the next completed draft is still expected `around March/April. Trouble is, I "really" want to do yet another Granny Weatherwax one, and it's not her turn....' "Steve Sneyd" offers a 3pp `preliminary listing' of UK sf poetry collections: "Orbiting a Data Dump I" ... 30p to 4 Nowell Place, Almondbury, Huddersfield, West Yorks, HD5 8PB. "Fay Sampson" is alive and well in Selly Oak: `Headline offered for my next two novels, but I wasn't sure if one would be right for their list, since it would be about the Synod of Whitby ... I haven't had the courage to tell my agent that I also want to do one about the Pelagian heresy. Headline are bringing out my first five adult novels as an omnibus, titled "Daughter of Tintagel". In the final one, "Herself" [Jan], Morgan le Fay gets a chance to answer back at all the people who have written about her over the centuries. Some of those authors are still alive ... I shall wait for the libel suits.' "Brian Stableford", reproved by Simon & Schuster for his new book's inadequately thrusting title, has now offered them an author's note giving the S&S sales force total credit for replacing his merely relevant "Young Blood" with the enticingly perfervid "The Hunger and Ecstasy of Vampires". [BS] "Alex Stewart", interviewed in "Imagination" (Nov), remarks: `It took me a long time to learn how to write good.' [SG] "Ian Watson" writes: `I've gone DEAF in my right ear through stupidly washing it -- or washing it stupidly. Just back from a party where the resident dog went bananas when a hot-air balloon flew over. Apparently horses & sheep react similarly. This indicates a hard-wired genetic response, proving the existence of a garish, rotund, aerial predator unknown to modern so-called science.... Just sold an unwritten 2-volume epic to Gollancz for quite a few oodles. My powers as a hypnotist are growing -- but I am stricken deaf by the Gods.' "[On that screenplay:]" `The last word from Stanley [Kubrick] a fair while back was, "This is great, Ian!", followed by the fatal procrastinatory phrase, "I might just "tinker" with it a little...."' (Harrowing later descriptions of how Ian had his ear syringed are omitted, as somewhat too sensational for you lot.) "David Wingrove" is not happy with "Vector" co-editor Catie Cary's sadistically violent attack on his "The White Mountain" ("Chung Kuo #3") as `pornography', in an editorial "and" a review. Feeling that the repressive BSFA junta will deny him the right to reply -- possibly a self-fulfilling prophesy, as his rebuttal runs to six single-spaced pages -- DW has been copying the whole voluminous controversy to every BSFA member he can trace. No doubt this one will run and run. "Don Wismer" revives the traditional SFWA award log-rolling with a mass mailing rubber-stamped THIS BOOK HAS ALMOST MADE THE NEBULA PRELIMINARY BALLOT. IF YOU LIKE IT, PLEASE RECOMMEND IT.... His "A Roil of Stars" (Baen) looks fairly awful, but his market research is worse -- I left SFWA ages ago. ### CONDOM ### SOME REGULAR EVENINGS BSFA 3rd Thur, Old Coffee House, Beak St, London. READING every Mon, ICL Club opp. station `THE BLACK LODGE' (horror), 2nd Tue, Australian Bar, Brum BRUM GROUP, 3rd Fri, ditto [] CITY ILLITERATES, every Fri, Lord Nelson, Stanhope St, London [] WELLINGTON, er.... 25 Jan PENTACON, Univ. Centre, Cambridge. #5 reg. SF/fan/academia mix in the much-revered tradition of Fencon. Contact Helen Steele, Newnham College, Cambridge. 29 Jan TROY CLUB monthly symposium, Hanway St, near Tottenham Ct Rd tube. Featured drinker: Gamma. Last Wed every month. Toastmaster: Gamma. Regulars: John Brosnan and Gamma. Litres of fun for everyone! 31 Jan - 2 Feb FOURPLAY, Victoria Pk Hotel, Wolverhampton. #18 reg, rooms #28/person/night. Contact 2 Craithie Rd, Vicars Cross, Chester, CH3 5JL. F*lk.... 7-9 Feb TRINCON 400, Trinity Coll/Powers Hotel, Dublin. IR#15 reg, IR#7/day at door; IR#25 hotel b&b (sharing). Contact 75 Kincora Ave, Clontarf, Dublin 3. "Many" guests -- they even asked me, but it clashes with a US trip. Poot. 14-16 Feb MASQUE, Cobden Hotel, Birmingham. #20 reg. Contact 27 Coltsfoot Dr, Waterlooville, Hants, PO7 8DD. A `convention for costumers'? I tiptoe nervously away.... 21-23 Feb LUCON IVY, Leeds Univ Union, Leeds. #7 reg. GoH Gwyneth Jones. Contact Leeds U SF Soc, PO Box 157, Leeds, LS1 1UH. Winner: `Entry with Most Mentions of Leeds.' 7 Mar PICOCON 10, Imperial College Union, Beit Hall, Prince Consort Rd, London, SW7 2BB. GoHs Brian Stableford and me. #5 reg. Attractions promised: `cheap bar!' 17-20 Apr ILLUMINATION, 43rd Eastercon; Norbreck Castle Hotel, Blackpool. #25 reg. Rooms #28/person/night. GoHs Paul McAuley, Geoff Ryman, Pam Wells (fan). Contact 379 Myrtle Rd, Sheffield, S2 3HQ. 24-26 Apr FREUCON, Eurocon; Freudenstadt, Germany. #15 reg (#20 from 1 Jan) to UK agent Oliver Gruter, Dept of Physics, RHBN College, Egham, Surrey, TW20 0EX. Yes, it was going to be in Yugoslavia, but.... 22-25 May INCONSEQUENTIAL, Aston Court Hotel, Derby. GoH Robert Rankin. #21 reg; rooms #30/single, #52/double. Contact 12 Crich Avenue, Littleover, Derby, DE3 6ES. `Humour' theme. Bring a joke. 29-31 May SHOTS ON THE PAGE!, Rutland Sq Hotel, St James's St, Nottingham, NG1 6FW: first all-British crime & mystery con. Guests include Donald Westlake. #25 reg (#35 from 13 Jan) to Broadway Media Centre, 14 Broad St, Nottingham, NG1 3AL. Room bookings direct to hotel: #30/person/night double, #40 single. Linked with Nottingham `Shots in the Dark!' crime/mystery event (28 May-7 Jun). 19-21 Jun PROTOPLASM, Parkers Hotel, somewhere in Manchester. #14 reg. GoH Bob Shaw. Contact 1 Shoesmith Ct, Merchants Place, Reading, Berks, RG1 1DT. Special Raspberry Award to PR2 for omitting membership fees "and" room rates. `Late' Jul HASTICON, Hastings. GoH David Gemmell. A George Hay Tentative SF Event, depending on local arts funding. Contact 53b All Saints St, Hastings, TN34 3BN. 1 Aug CLWYDCON, `SF poetry theme', Celyn Horticultural Coll., Northop, Clwyd. #6 reg, #13.50/room inc breakfast. Contact Rose Cottage, 3 Tram Lane, Buckley, Clwyd, CH7 3JB. Steve Sneyd stresses the sf link while bossman Pete Presford assures small-press poetry folk that there won't be "much" sf at all, honest, don't be put off.... A Presford sighting in "New Hope International Review" shows his much-loved analytical style unchanged, with a review reading, in full: "`If you're a hippie from the 70s or so Green yer socks drop off, this is for you but it gave me a headache.'" [JN] 7-9 Aug SCONE (Unicon 13), Clyde Halls, Glasgow. #12 reg. GoHs Iain Banks, Anne Page. Contact Glasgow U Union, 32 University Ave, Glasgow, G12 8LX. `Games in sf' theme. 3-7 Sept MAGICON (50th Worldcon), Orlando, Florida, USA. GoHs Jack Vance, Vincent DiFate, Walt Willis. Cost: $vast but temporarily mislaid by me. Contact 14 St Bernard's Rd, Sutton Coldfield, W.Midlands, B72 1LE. 6-8 Nov NOVACON 22, Forte Post House Hotel near Birmingham airport. #18 reg. GoH Storm Constantine. Contact 121 Cape Hill, Smethwick, Warley, W.Midlands, B66 4SH ... again. 8-12 Apr 93 HELICON, 44th Eastercon (+Eurocon); Hotel de France, Jersey. #22 reg. GoHs John Brunner, George R.R.Martin. Contact 63 Drake Rd, Chessington, Surrey, KT9 1LQ. 28-31 May 93 MEXICON V, Cairn Hotel, Harrogate. #18 reg. `Written sf' slant. Contact: as Novacon. "[Enough! -- Ed.]" ### INFINITELY IMPROBABLE ### TEN YEARS AGO ... Malcolm Edwards got his foot on the ladder as associate sf editor at Gollancz. `Pringle the Penguin' arrived at Chessington Zoo while the other David Pringle, on the first day of his new Brighton job, broke his leg in three places. London's "Dark They Were And Golden-Eyed" sf bookshop celebrated its first and last creditors' meeting and vanished from the scene, pursued by #100,000 in debts. "The Many-Coloured Land" (remember that?) had 50% more preliminary Nebula votes than the eventual winner "The Claw of the Conciliator". From Birmingham came news of the COFF fund's first launch. And after wintry market trials, the "Omni Book of the Future" partwork was declared officially dead. ("Ansible 23", Jan 82). BIOHAZARD! The sf/horror TV series "Chimera" was ill-received by genetic engineers. "International Biotechnology Laboratory" sneered, `As a piece of sf it was not exactly Isaac Asimov or Brian Heinlein.' "New Scientist" pondered the origins of this new sf chimera: Heinlein crossed with Aldiss or with Stableford? Chris Priest was reminded of Ballard's early US collection from Berkley, with the blurb: `Only Brian Addiss, Theodore Sturgeon and Arthur B.Clarke can rival him....' HAZEL'S LANGUAGE LESSONS: BASHGALI. Zhi mare badist ta wo ayo kakkok damiti gwa, a lammergeier came down from the sky and took off my cock. (Quoted by Eric Newby.) [SS] UNAUTHORIZED SEX CO. PLEASE NOTE ... the new James Tiptree Jr Award for `gender-expanding sf'. Expand yours now! [Thyme] BITING THE HAND THAT FEEDS YOU was one bitter description of my jocularities on awful sf lines in "The Guardian" (19 Dec). "Q:" `Why not write about good stuff? Or at least say there's lots of good sf too?' "A:" They requested a column on lousy fiction. They cut out my `lots of good sf too' disclaimer. BRITISH FANZINE BIBLIOGRAPHY: Vince Clarke offers Part 4 for 1971- 80, following Peter Roberts's 3 musty volumes. A5 booklet, 31pp+covers, 80p from 16 Wendover Way, Welling, Kent, DA16 2BN. Seems like good stuff, with minor omissions only. IT WASN'T ME, GUV ... but Scientology HQ at East Grinstead was burned down on 18 Dec. A nation mourns. GUFF. Will sultry Bridget Wilkinson or exotic Eva Hauser travel to the Aussie National Con in Sydney? Tension mounts. Voting closes 31 Jan; ballot forms copiously available. TAFF. Vote for JEANNE BOWMAN (or R.Brandt) by 15 Jan! UP THE FUNDAMENT: `Ayatollah Christianity continues in California ... a school reading series has been taken to court by the usual fanatics and dingbats who say that extracts from such well-known Satanists as C.S.Lewis and Roger McGough contravene the US Constitution ("re" teaching religion in schools). "If we can't, then these proponents of the Wiccan Religion shouldn't," they say....' [AS] "A53" ERATUMS! Ashley Watkins was in fact owed #641.25 by Newsfield Ltd (dec'd) -- `the liquidator's report got it wrong.' The `World Fantasy Awards' from "Fire and Water" must have been the British ones. In the WFAs, "Only Begotten Daughter" (J.Morrow) and "Thomas the Rhymer" (E.Kushner) tied for best novel. Of UK interest, besides the Gaiman/Vess "Sandman" as reported ... "Best New Horror" (S.Jones/R.Campbell) was voted best anthology and Dave McKean best artist. David Pringle is hurt that his quoted brag about new "Million" subscribers mentioned only `Frank Muir', omitting `"and" Denis Norden'. EDITORIAL: I had a cold and missed all the New Year fun, including the fabled Martin Hoare Triple Party Dash. His first venue had stipulated drag, the third required you to come as a pub, and "Ansible" is almost sorry not to have gazed upon Mr Hoare passing through the intervening party at Whitchurch Rectory, dressed as (presumably) the Queen's Arms. ### THESE FOOLISH THINGS ... ### "... remind CHRIS ATKINSON of the almost recent Altercon 666:" Throwing Mike Dickinson's wet socks at plastic bottles in the dark Hitting Sylvia Starshine in the face with one instead The simultaneous malfunction of three central heating systems connected only by the arcane knowledge of the fish-oil factor Not being arrested while prowling lonely Tottenham parks at night carrying boxes of explosives and wearing funny hats Bifurcated penises Leroy Kettle with one green ear and one pink ear Gamma saying to Jackie Gresham, `Hello, you look like a tart, come and sit on my knee.' The bared shoulders of Rob Holdstock Tom Shippey in a cowboy outfit and a long curly wig Abigail Frost turning water into wine Cucumbers in the bathroom The mystic transsubstantiation of fish-oil into quiche The halo round Jane McKenna's head at the moment of reincarnation Piles of stuffed dogs with their legs in the air Holding on to my reticule despite everything. [CA via LK] Text (c) Dave Langford, 1992. May be xeroxed freely. Inputs: Chris Atkinson, R.I.Barycz, Steve Green, Linda Krawecke (Fax Mistress), Joseph Nicholas, Andy Sawyer, Steve Sneyd, Brian Stableford and A Major SF Figure. Happy New Year! 2-1-92 Posted by Dave Langford ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk ANSIBLE 55 FEBRUARY 1992 From DAVE LANGFORD, 94 London Road, Reading, Berkshire, RG1 5AU. Fax 0734 669914. ISSN 0265-9816. Available at random fan gatherings, by whim or for stamped addressed envelopes -- sorry, no paid subscriptions. [Disclaimer: Each issue of ANSIBLE is designed for exquisite DTP in multiple fonts. This text dump for CIX and Usenet looks awful. So it goes. DRL] EDITORIAL PANIC! Time ticks away. On 10 Feb I fly west to be Famous For Fifteen Minutes at Boskone 29 (Springfield, MA). The metered gibber level has risen steadily since mid-January, not helped by work crises and a death in the family. Bear with me if bubbling, ebullient wit seems in short supply.... ### NAME DROPPINGS ### "Greg Bear", older readers will recall, was to appear in Birmingham in Feb 92 "(Brum SF Group Newsletter)", soon corrected to Feb 93 "(ibid)". The "BSFGN" now "re"-corrects this to 14 Feb 92 (at the White Lion pub), with snide remarks about the `less than illustrious' BSFG ex-chair and newshound Chris Chivers. "John Brunner"'s marriage to LiYi Tan had spinoff coverage in "New Statesman" when he revealed that UK visas for Chinese fiancees now involve vast paperwork from the `Identity Card Project, Working Group'. This, despite Home Office denials, convinces John that identity cards will be introduced here before 1997 to cope with the Hong Kong exodus. Blimey. [JN] "Gordon Dickson"'s sequel to his 1976 "The Dragon and the George" just came from Tor (plug). I distinctly remember the original book's lovable wolf called Aragh. Did Dickson sink gleaming fangs deep into the copyeditor's flesh on finding the wolf in "The Dragon Knight" renamed, throughout, `Aargh'? "William Gibson" can surely have nothing to do with the `ANONYMOUS LEAK OF AN EXTRAORDINARY EXAMPLE OF UNCONSCIOUS COMMUNICATION' received here, purporting to be an exchange from Scene 109B of "Alien III" as revised on 17 Dec: DAVID: "I have a problem with this." JUDE: "What part?" DAVID: "The part where we run around in a dark fucking maze with that thing chasing us." Could the message be that the mantle of Shakespeare himself has fallen on screenwriters Walter Hill and David Giler? "John Gilbert" `is still hoping to relaunch "Fear", but nothing is signed yet. "Terror" is nothing whatsoever to do with him (has anyone actually seen a copy of it?).' [DVB] Steve Green implies that he has; he didn't seem frightfully impressed -- "Ed". "Tanith Lee" is exposed at last in the small print of "Kill the Dead" (reissue): `The right of Tanith Lee to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by "HIM" in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act, 1988....' [NB] "Chris Morgan" requests samples of fans' scribble for his book on handwriting analysis (321 Sarehole Rd, Hall Green, Birmingham, B28 0AL). He adds: `When's Dave Barrett going to produce an inferior "Encyclopaedia of Graphology"?' [CM] "John Julius Norwich" seeks the title and author of a lousy novel at least 40 years old, notable for these lines: `I glanced from the gems to the face of the girl ... and surprised a rapt, wondering look in her eyes. I saw her breasts rise and fall in a long sigh as she slipped them back into the soft leather wallet and passed them to her father. I would have given my right arm to have taken them and hung them from those delicate ears where they belonged.' "David Pringle"'s endless "Realms of Fantasy" saga continues: `The fantasy magazine is on indefinite hold now, following Allan Bryce's "loss" of #20,000 income in the bankruptcy of one of his distributors, Periodicals in Particular (who used to handle "Interzone" years ago, but no more -- thank God).' [DP] "Ian Watson" suffers Administrative Error: `VGSF have been reissuing Ian's stuff in paperback. W.H.Smith routinely order 150 or 200 copies for their hundreds of dynamic branches nationwide. When "The Jonah Kit" appeared they ordered 1500 copies, which were duly delivered. Yes! You guessed it! A typo! They'd only meant to order 150, tsk tsk ... but when they came to send back the surplus they found they had already sold 800.' [CP] So did WHS proceed to order only 150 of Ian's next paperback? To the amazement of cynics all over the "Ansible" staff, they actually ordered 600.... [IW] "Ian Williams"'s first novel "The Lies That Bind" `has hit the remainder shops of Leeds with a speed even you wouldn't envy. A snip at 99p for the hardback.' [NER] "Don Wismer", whose award log-rolling was noted in "A54", did make it to the final Nebula ballot -- as did 20 others. [DG] ### EASTERCON '94 CAMPAIGN NEWS ### At the Wellington pub meeting in January, a voice hissed in my editorial ear: "`Don't believe that beermat -- it's a forgery!'" This left me bemused until I got a letter and a beermat from David V.Barrett of the avowedly devious Sou'Wester (Bristol) bid. His letter claims that one Robert Newman of the Contact (Isle of Man) bid made, and signed before witnesses, the beermat's `on-the-record statement': "`I am 100% in favour of homosexuality, I am 100% in favour of paganism. I can't think of a more stupid idea than holding a con on the Isle of Man.'" In my impartial way I invited Contact to comment, but got no reply. Could all this be the Contact dirty tricks department trying to make Sou'Wester look bad by persuading them to base their campaign on a spurious beermat? Unless it's the Sou'Wester dirty tricks department trying to make Contact look bad by conveying that they are up to dirty tricks as inept as in the preceding sentence? Or maybe ... my brain hurts. The usual small drink is offered for further beermats carrying damning, multiply witnessed revelations from either bid. ### INFINITELY IMPROBABLE ### TEN YEARS AGO ... Kingsley Amis issued another definitive pronouncement that sf was dead. ("Radio Times", 6 Feb 82) AFTERBIRTH OF TAFF: famous Jeanne Bowman won by a narrow margin in both Europe and America, and will display her shy, retiring personality at Illumination. Ballots cast: 53 Europe, 125 US. First-place votes: Jeanne 87 (UK 27, US 60), Richard Brandt 81 (23/58), No Preference 4 (1/3), Hold Over Funds 2 (0/2) and 4 write-ins. [PW] Jeanne's victory statement explains all: `I asked Robert Lichtman for some fan addresses and phone numbers and he got that aha ho ho ho tone in his voice and said, "Jeanne, when you have memorized 50 addresses then you will have become a TruFan." "Oh Robert no! I will be a boring old fart."' In his graceful-loser statement, Richard adds: `Still awaiting the first publication of Larry Niven's correspondence with L.Ron Hubbard: "N- Grams".' CLARKE AWARDS SHORTLIST: "Raft" (Baxter), "Eternal Light" (McAuley), "White Queen" (Jones), the "Hyperion" pair (Simmons), "Subterranean Gallery" (Russo) and "Synners" (Cadigan). Winner to be announced in July. A spy reports that Powers's "The Stress of Her Regard" would have been there but was excluded by majority vote as being fantasy. (The spy disagrees.) SFWA CONFIRMED AS `NOT SFWA'. `Now officially SFFWA -- Science Fiction "and Fantasy" Writers of America! Yippee!!' [DG] DRABBLES. Book 1, "The Drabble Project", has sold out: profit to the RNIB, #1548.43. Book 3 is now open, a further 100 100-word stories with (this time, oh God) a "Dr Who" slant: 160 Beaumont Rd, Bournville, Birmingham, B30 1NY. [RR] MUSICAL PUBLISHERS: Deborah Beale has moved to Anthony Cheetham's spanking new Orion/Millennium sf imprint, and John Jarrold to Century/Arrow. Who's next at Futura/Orbit? [DG] Maxwell Gloom reached the MCC publishing companies with a spate of bounced royalty cheques ... companies in administration ... authors told to stop work on projects ... #10-12M reputedly owed to printers, authors etc. Mr Jarrold's scuttle down the Macdonald/Futura mooring lines was clearly well-timed. Only ever-cheery Chris Priest was gleefully able to report a silver lining: `"My" Abacus titles don't earn royalties.' SF ENCYCLOPAEDIA II. Macdonald were allegedly conferring this week about the project, `which cannot proceed with them or their (increasingly elusive) successor firm until they pay arrears due Paul Barnett for months of copy-editing "[over #3000 -- Ed.]" and Brian Stableford for revising his 1979 entries. The book itself is very near completion ... We expect to exceed a million words. If Macdonalds are forced to release us, we think we have homes to go to.' [JC] "FAR POINT:" `If you've seen the 2nd issue (Jan-Feb) of this new British sf mag, you may have found its cover art (by somebody called Tony Todd) familiar. It's a total rip-off of the cover of the great "Interzone 31" (1989), exquisitely painted by David A.Hardy. I'm told by DAH that not only will "he" be paid the money due for the cover, but he has also been appointed Art Editor of "Far Point".' [CM] Other editors receiving cover art submissions from T.Todd might check them for familiarity.... SFWA COUP HORROR. `"Ansible" should mention the new award from SFWA. The membership kept voting down the idea of a Nebula for "best dramatic presentation" -- so Pres.Ben Bova starts a "President's Award". Just like that. The votes have always gone against the idea, so the top man decides what "he" wants. (Apparently Paul Di Filippo has suggested there should be a President's Award for "best spelling".)' [AAC] In a moving announcement, BB explains that his `Best Dramatic Script' award is not actually a Nebula. Thus the members don't even get to vote on the winner: this is already being decided by a Bova-picked committee, and the award will be democratically presented at SFWA's Nebula banquet on 25 April, so there. "FILE 770:" Mike Glyer's fanzine just brought me hot news of ConFiction '90. I do love his prejudices: `The daily newszine's British editors predictably took a kill-the-messenger approach ... and panned Konkol's announcement "[no flash photos during the Hugos]" as brusque and unnecessary.' FACT: the newsletter merely said `unnecessarily brusque', which is not the same. FACT: its predictably vile, British Hugo coverage was by one German/Dutch and one Finland-dwelling American fan. 1991 `FASTSELLERS'. The "Guardian's" UK Top 100 had only one `sf' item, "Better Than Life" (#60); four fantasies, Eddings's "Ruby Knight" (#45) and three by or half-by our Mr Ubiquitous -- "Moving Pictures" (#47), "Good Omens" (#61) and "Diggers" (#76); and under horror, the usual Kings (#13, #44, #71) plus Herbert's "Creed" (#19). What of the appallingly popular Dean R.Koontz? His entries (#27, #56, #58) are listed as Thrillers. Best new category: echoing the critics' reaction, Stephen Donaldson's sf "Gap into Conflict" (#95) appears under `???'. "NOT" HAZEL'S LANGUAGE LESSONS. "Qagh" -- a serpent worm, used (live) as food? Even if there is now an official Klingon dictionary, by Marc Okrand, Hazel does not wish to know. [MMW] SF FOUNDATION THREAT? The Polytechnic of East London has reportedly decided to evict the unique SFF library/archive in 1993, unless after ten years on a starvation budget it becomes `self-financing'. "Foundation" magazine is almost so and would probably survive: the library could face a ruinous dispersal. Confirmation of PoEL plans is expected imminently. [AAC] WEERDE DOINGS ... The second Midnight Rose shared-world series, "The Weerde" (`It's werewolves but we're calling them something different'), had an invisibly publicized launch at the inevitable Cafe Munchen on 1 Feb. Our fashion correspondent claims that no one looked at the book because they were staring at Storm Constantine's low-cut dress in scarlet crushed velvet; our literary correspondent incontinently fled Charles Stross and the two complete novel MSS in his bulging briefcase. Brian Stableford revealed his big new contract, #50 for wearing a borrowed dinner-jacket and addressing a herd of quantity surveyors at Trinity College. The "Weerde 2" line-up was leaked: Steve Baxter, Molly Brown, Colin Greenland, Graham Higgins, Liz Holliday (twice!), Roz Kaveney, Mike Ibeji, D.Langford, Marcus Rowland, Charles Stross and Liz Young. Paymaster Alex Stewart and his magic chequebook were much sought after. So were the general book-buying public, who proved elusive. ### CONCAULESCENCE: UPDATES ### "Once again I shirk the mind-numbing tedium of a `complete' con list...." "Monthly" BSFA LONDON MEETINGS cancelled until further notice -- the pub is redecorating the room and plans to hold (shudder) music nights there. New venue hoped for by May. BRUM GROUP ... similar trouble. 3rd Fri meetings now at the White Lion, Bristol St, Birmingham city centre. NB extra Greg Bear event, 14 Feb `THE LEEDS NOVA AWARD COLLECTING CLUB meets in the Adelphi almost every Friday night. Last night we shared the back room with gruff, bluff northern playwright Alan Plater and a funny- looking man with a strange beard who was hanging on to his every (loud, beery) word. Which goes to show that even "real" writers don't always get a better class of groupie than you sci-fi guys.' [NER, 4 Jan] BLACK LODGE horror meeting "(correction)" 2nd Thur monthly, Australian Bar, Birmingham. 7-9 Feb TRINCON 400, Trinity Coll/Powers Hotel, Dublin. IR#15 reg, IR#7/day at door; IR#25 hotel b&b (sharing). Contact 75 Kincora Ave, Clontarf, Dublin 3. Quickly. Quicker than that, in fact. 14-16 Feb MASQUE, Cobden Hotel, Birmingham. #20 reg. Contact 27 Coltsfoot Dr, Waterlooville, Hants, PO7 8DD. A `convention for costumers' -- ha ha, I'll be in America. 21-23 Feb LUCON IVY, Leeds University Union. #7 reg. GoH Gwyneth Jones. Contact LU SF Soc, PO Box 157, Leeds, LS1 1UH. 29 Feb - 1 Mar MICROCON 12, Exeter University. GoH: various. Overturns tradition by not clashing with Picocon! Contact K403, Cornwall House, St German's Road, Exeter, EX4 6TJ. 7 Mar PICOCON 10, Imperial Coll. Union, Beit Hall, Prince Consort Rd, SW7 2BB. GoHs Brian Stableford and me. #5 reg. `Cheap bar!' 30 Apr - 3 May WARP ONE, 35th UK Trek con, Middleton Tower Holiday Centre, Morecambe. #30 reg, rooms from #26.70/person/night full board. Set phasers on `maim' and contact 69 Merlin Crescent, Edgware, Middlesex, HA8 6JB. 21-25 Aug PORTMEIRICON, `Prisoner' society con, Portmeirion, Gwynedd. Outdoor events open to all, indoor ones Members Only (I assume anyone can join). Contact Six of One, PO Box 60, Harrogate. 2-4 Oct FANTASYCON XVII, Midland Hotel, Birmingham. #10 `deductible pre-reg': full, appalling cost to be announced. Ditto the guest or guests. Contact 15 Stanley Rd, Morden, Surrey, SM4 5DE. 16-19 Oct OCTOCON, 3rd Irish national con, Royal Marine Hotel, Dun Laoghaire, Dublin. Contact 30 Beverley Downs, Dublin 16, Eire. 6-8 Nov NOVACON 22, Royal Angus Hotel, Birmingham -- "note laudably changed venue". #18 reg. GoH Storm Constantine. Contact 121 Cape Hill, Smethwick, Warley, W.Midlands, B66 4SH. 26-29 Mar 93 THE ADVENTURERS CON (not confirmed) for fans of anything from the Saint via Gerry Anderson to Danger Man. Contact 10 Brook Ave, Edgware, Middlesex. 8-12 Apr 93 HELICON, 44th Eastercon and Eurocon -- #22 reg, #1 for kids under 8, rates firm until after Easter. See next.... 16-18 Apr 93 SMOFCON con-runners' con, imported at colossal expense from America to the Hotel de France, Jersey. (The idea is that you stay over from Helicon in the same hotel on the previous weekend. Gorblimey.) #20 reg, #2 off if you join(ed) Helicon. Contact for both: 63 Drake Rd, Chessington, Surrey, KT9 1LQ. Ansible 55 (c) Dave Langford, 1994. Inputs: David V.Barrett, Ned Brooks, John Clute, An Anonymous Correspondent, Abigail Frost, David Garnett, Steve Green, Tim Illingworth, Dave Lally, Chris Morgan, Joseph Nicholas, Chris Priest, David Pringle, Nigel E.Richardson, Roger Robinson, Ian Watson, Pam [TAFF] Wells, Martin Morse Wooster. 7/2/92 Posted by Dave Langford ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk ANSIBLE 56 MARCH 1992 From DAVE LANGFORD, 94 London Road, Reading, Berkshire, RG1 5AU. Fax 0734 669914. ISSN 0265-9816. Available at random fan gatherings, by whim or for stamped addressed envelopes -- sorry, no paid subscriptions. [Disclaimer: Each issue of ANSIBLE is designed for exquisite DTP in multiple fonts. This text dump for CIX and Usenet looks awful. So it goes. DRL] ### ANGELA CARTER, 1940-1992 ### "JOHN CLUTE writes:" Angela Carter never made bones about dying, and did not leave the world until she was taken from it, until there was nothing left of her. Two weeks before she died of lung cancer, a journalist friend came from the States in large part because she had conveyed to him her wish to do an interview. He knew (because she made no bones about it) that her health was precarious, but came because she was important to him, one of the few important writers around, the sort of writer (as the "Guardian" obituary said) who was too threatening ever to win a Booker. My friend waited by the phone, but the call, when it came, was from an intermediary who said that Angela Carter, much against her will, was now leaving. Words to that effect. He went back to America. She threatened the literary establishment (the "Times" obituary was notably poisonous), and I suspect she threatened sf readers too. Novels like "Heroes and Villains" (1969), or "The Infernal Desire Machines of Doctor Hoffman" (1972), or "The Passion of New Eve" (1977), or "Nights at the Circus" (1984), are "dangerous". They dissect the psyche and the future, sex and the technologies of control, with an intelligence that seems at times excessively barbed and rebarbative, sharp and loony, amused and incessant. She had an instinct for the masks of power that gives her work a feminist import, not because she was an advocate (she advocated nothing) but because she seemed incapable of telling a lie. Her only book of journalism was called "Nothing Sacred", which is to say, of course, that everything to Angela Carter was indeed sacred, but also very funny. She is best perhaps approached through her stories, in which she strips bare myths and fables of the Western world, and then gives them to us again. Books like "Fireworks" (1974), "The Bloody Chamber" (1979) and "Black Venus" (1985) are where to start. Where you end will be a new mourning. [JC] ### THE USUAL SUSPECTS ### "Greg Benford", I overheard in New York, is far from pleased by the announcement of a movie called "Timescape". Since this is a trademark (of Simon & Schuster), eager lawyers might well get the film renamed for US distribution. "`Timescope?'" mused mighty editor David HartwellTM: "`The Scape of Time?'" "Abigail Frost" reports: `Geoff Ryman had a party to celebrate his very wonderful "Was"; much falling about in the Munchen, graced by everyone from Dave Wingrove to scummy little fans like me and Ashley Watkins. Jane Johnson looked editorially radiant and smug as she accepted the congratulations of all readers, Ryman being by then too pissed to hear. Dave Barrett and Roger Robinson handed out Eurocon Award voting (nomination?) forms with orders to vote for "Foundation"; scanning the other categories I squealed, "Young Author/Artist? Giggle giggle giggle, let's all vote for Charles Stross!" `"Yes, he's quite a serious contender," said Barrett, not giggling one little bit. Stuffed socks into mouth ... but the laugh was on me; next day Roz wandered into the Greg Bear signing and found Strossers and Deborah Beale celebrating his new two-book contract. "Mine's a pint," she said, faster than a speeding bullet, and actually got one. "Aaargh!" I said at the news, "He'll become insufferable, no, not "become"...." `"I think fame will mellow him," Roz said magisterially. "Yes -- you could say, "Charles (Fame Will Mellow Him) Stross was buying rounds and telling Greg Bear what was wrong with his science....""' [AJF] "Neil Gaiman" has nothing to report, `other than the phone call I got last week from a Big Record Studio, saying "Hi, we've got a Famous Rock'n'Roll Star who's a fan of yours. He wants to make a concept album." NG: "Yeah? That's nice." Him: "So, um. Do you have any concepts?"' "Joseph Nicholas", `left-wing bogeyman', is now banned from the letter pages of `libertarian' Kentucky fanzine "Fosfax!" [RH] "Gene Wolfe's Book of Otters" was suggested; alas, this `Tor double' will merely be "The Castle of Days". Guess which books? ### CONCINNITY ### 6 Mar BRITISH FANTASY SOCIETY open night, Royal Connaught, High Holborn, 6pm onward. Informal piss-up; all welcome. 7 Mar PICOCON 10, Imperial Coll. Union, Beit Hall, Prince Consort Rd, SW7 2BB. GoHs Brian Stableford and me. #5 reg. 17-20 Apr ILLUMINATION, 43rd Eastercon; Norbreck Castle Hotel, Blackpool. #25 reg. Rooms #28/person/night. (Double/twin rooms copiously available; no singles.) GoHs Paul McAuley, Geoff Ryman, Pam Wells (fan). Contact 379 Myrtle Rd, Sheffield, S2 3HQ. The Norbreck's parent group Principal Hotels went into receivership on 24 Feb ("Daily Telegraph"). An Illumination spokesman called this a mere business ploy -- one day's voluntary liquidation while unwanted property investments were flogged off. `As far as we're concerned, nothing happened,' he said. `The newspapers did a bad job of reporting it,' whinged the hotel. `"I'm "going to the lavish champagne reception when the Norbreck opens again after redecoration, on 7 March,' drooled our spokesman. "Ansible:" `Er. Can I at least report you as saying all this in a shifty and unconvincing manner?' "Steve (for it is he) Lawson:" `Oh, all right.' 8-12 Apr 93 HELICON, 44th Eastercon; Hotel de France, Jersey. #22 reg. Contact 63 Drake Rd, Chessington, Surrey, KT9 1LQ. `Official leak': Larry van der Putte is to be Fan GoH. ### INFINITELY IMPROBABLE ### THE SF ENCYCLOPAEDIA II team breathed huge sighs of relief as Macdonald (their fatally Maxwelled publisher) was bought by Little, Brown -- with promises that vast sums owed to Paul Barnett and Brian Stableford would be paid real soon now. `I'll believe it when I see the cheque,' exults Paul.... More data: `The Encyclopaedia itself, because it had been on a tight production schedule, has necessarily been delayed, and is now slated for Easter 1993 release; we are expecting Macdonald to lay on some sort of event at Helicon.' [JC] GUFF 1992 ... Eva Hauser of Czechoslovakia is the winner and zooms to Sydney for the Aussie national con this Easter. 84 votes were cast (32 Oz/52 Europe): 27 for Bridget Wilkinson (6/21), 51 for Eva (22/29), 6 `no preference' etc (4/2). FALL OF THE FOUNDATION: as feared last issue, the cruel Polytechnic of East London "is" kicking the SF Foundation out on to the streets. Ace psychohistorians at `Friends of Foundation' are now plotting devious rescue schemes. Stay tuned. "NEW WORLDS 2" is scheduled for July. Mighty editor David Garnett sends the line-up: Ian McDonald, Paul Di Filippo, Warwick Colvin Jr, Brian Aldiss, Peter F.Hamilton, Marc Laidlaw, Simon Ings, Ian Watson, Jack Deighton, Stephen Baxter, D.Langford (criticism), Philip K.Dick, Michael Moorcock (afterword). Who is Colvin, author of the `hard-science serial' "Corsairs of the Second Ether" (all three parts this issue) -- any relation to once-famous pseudonym James Colvin? Dick contributes `unpublished outlines of unwritten novels', 25 years old. He would, wouldn't he? TAFF 1993: many Euro-candidates are rumoured, including well-known fans `Definitely DNQ For Now', `I Haven't Made Up My Mind Yet', and (I hear via America) Kev McVeigh. R.I.P. George MacBeth (1932-92), long ago an sf poet.... DOES POSTERITY DESERVE "THIS?" `... a huge time-capsule the Scientologists have just finished sinking in a hillside in Humboldt County, a couple hundred miles from here. They bought a 3,600 acre ranch to situate the capsule on and are allowing no visitors. The capsule itself is about 350 feet long and has the profile of a 747.' [RL, Glen Ellen, CA] At last, they've found somewhere to put all those remaindered dekalogies. TEN YEARS AGO: `Philip K.Dick died on 2/3 March in California, aged 53.' ("Ansible 24", Mar 82) Ignoring excuses about this stop-press item coming too late for date checking, fans agreed that it was "very like Dick" to die on an indeterminate day. ### BOSKONE 29: USA POSTCARDS ### "JFK Airport." I seem to have arrived early. My official mentor and transport boss Ben Yalow is delayed by traffic. An increasingly persistent cabbie works on my fears: `You're all alone here now. Soon you'll be getting "hungry".... Believe me, this is a "bad place" to spend the night.... I want to "help" you....' Ben rescues me before I actually break down and cry. "Flushing, NY." Chinese nosh with Moshe Feder (now editor of the Military Book Club) and Lise Eisenberg is overshadowed by grim news of why I'm not meeting fannish legend Gary Farber. He has a kidney stone the size of a walnut, with operation after operation being postponed because his health isn't up to it.... At the fabulous Feder family home I gaze on bits of the Coke Collection. Is that a Coke bottle? No, it is a loving facsimile carved from solid rock crystal. A Coke neon-sign dominates the living room, a Coke clock broods over the kitchen, and I fall asleep surrounded by smaller Coke memorabilia of all shapes and sizes. Blimey. "New York City." Totally unimaginative touristy doings, plus a skiffy exhibit at the IBM Gallery (early editions of space operas by Kepler, de Bergerac, etc). Tor Books in the Flatiron Building is equally full of sights to boggle at: Anna Magee's desk with its litter of plastic rats and rubber brains (`I want to pick your brains.' `Here, catch.'), Senior Editor Patrick Nielsen Hayden, an inflatable Edvard Munch `Scream' figure diffusing Angst out over Broadway, and (most eldritch of all) David Hartwell's tie. Teresa Nielsen Hayden is also an editor these days, at Masquerade: her lurid book samples do, er um, worry me a bit when coming back through Customs. Having recently edited one porn epic whose hero was called Langford and the villain Hartwell, she says wistfully: `No one would believe I hadn't put the names in myself, so I had to change them.' Returning bloated from a swish publishing dinner with P&T, I wonder dimly what I've promised to write. Words? Next day it's so cold that I have to pause sightseeing to buy gloves. Lunch with Messrs Hartwell and van Gelder of "The New York Review of SF", for which I doubtless promise to write things. Wonder about souvenirs for Hazel: a clockwork toy from `The Last Wound Up', a two-foot statuette of a chap advertising interesting elastic bandages, a set of Museum of Modern Art cookie cutters in the shapes of famous buildings (including Sydney Opera House -- the World Trade Centre, which I have just been up, is conspicuously not represented)? What she'd really like is that skeletal 1890s electric toaster in the ConEd museum of energy. Not, alas, for sale. Most of the evening passes fannishly in a `microbrewery' said to be the only one left in New York City. Hic. "I-91 northbound." Ben Yalow reveals many titbits about cons and the New England SF Association clubhouse (`Originally built on the other side of the road from where it is now.'). I glean that Worldcon '95 bidding is neck-and-neck. Atlanta's facilities are thought superior but large US fan blocs distrust the committee for Historical Reasons ... while Glasgow has the virtue of not being chaired by Malcolm Edwards. "Springfield, MA: Boskone." This is avowedly out in the sticks, a reaction from when Boskone '87 grew far too big. Next year it moves back to civilization since NESFA think it's now too small, a mere 800-odd people, most of them on the crowded programme (`A lot of people want to appear') -- so that GoH Jane Yolen has 9 items involving 26 speakers or panellists scheduled against her main speech (my figures as a mere subsidiary guest are 5 and 19). Nevertheless, great stuff. I remember: A long walk on the first morning through new and photogenic snow Jane Yolen disrupting `Meet the VIPs' with an ad-hoc conga line, notables like Joe and Gay Haldeman dancing over the tables (me, I hide behind Hal Clement) Mike Glicksohn and Teresa debating True Fanpublishing: `Twiltone!' he cries, and `The GEnie network!' she ripostes. Tempted by technophilia, I promise to try the latter. `But,' she sobs, `there's no GEnie node in England.' Exit Langford, with mutters of `Bah, "generally available", humbug....' Charles Ryan explaining to me what he thinks of Chris Priest A Glasgow '95 party with Tim Illingworth serving single-malt from minute and clinical-looking containers (seemingly for eye lotion or tiny urine specimens), accompanied by other phenomena like KIM Campbell, Chris Cooper, Martin Hoare, haggis ... the nearby Atlanta '95 party is soon emptied by this attraction Gene and Rosemary Wolfe inviting me to dinner: I think my jaw hangs slackly open throughout Social awareness -- free condoms in the con suite and `British-style fan lounge' bar (`Beer, please.' `Not until 2pm.') Priscilla (Chair) Olson's attempts to control `whimsey' outbreaks at the banquet: jet-assisted, whistling and helicopter balloons, chattering clockwork teeth, fetichistic headgear and worse, courtesy of Roger MacBride Allen, Lord of Misrule (resembling a smaller, more evil Dermot Dobson). This being Boskone, the anarchy is carefully delimited. `Please keep it to tables marked with the Whimsey logo,' Priscilla announces: "`Practise safe whimsey!'" Being interviewed by Teresa about embarrassing subjects like exploding Oxford colleges and Fred Harris Champagne and 90deg heat at the Tor party Missing the `Dead Doe Party' at a wild-game restaurant where Chris Cooper's new lobster glove-puppet (coming soon to a million sf events near you) makes its entry on a platter Filling the con newsletter "Helmuth" with Langfordiana, this hubris followed by Nemesis as, aghast, I hear myself volunteer for Helicon's newsletter Gene Wolfe sneaking in halfway through my `Insult Famous Authors' talk and asking later why I haven't slagged "his" books. `You're such a flagrant case,' I lie, `that I covered you on page one.' Lurking enjoyably in hotel bars with "[fearfully long list omitted]" Trying to eat something bigger than my head [] "I-91 south." Highway culture shock at noticing that the American for `flattened hedgehog' is `inert raccoon'. Ben spills further dread con secrets. He it was who once mollified an irascible GoH with an unpopular presentation, by conscripting 20 gophers to remove their badges and sit doggedly through it ... I giggle a lot. At JFK, Ben even finds and switches me to an earlier flight. Truly a god amongst men. "Reading." Hazel has had a good time here: flying phobia can be cured by not flying! I think of my little rock-star brother's plans to get married in Chicago this summer. I wonder if.... Ansible 56 (c) Dave Langford, 1994. Thanks to: Boskone 29, John Clute, Mr & Mrs Feder & Moshe (hospitality), Abigail Frost (distribution last issue), Rob Hansen, Robert Lichtman, Patrick & Teresa Nielsen Hayden, Ben Yalow, Jane Yolen (egoboo). 5/3/92 Posted by Dave Langford ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk ANSIBLE 57 APRIL 1992 From DAVE LANGFORD, 94 London Road, Reading, Berkshire, RG1 5AU. Fax 0734 669914. ISSN 0265-9816. Available at random fan gatherings, by whim or for stamped addressed envelopes -- sorry, no paid subscriptions. [Disclaimer: Each issue of ANSIBLE is designed for exquisite DTP in multiple fonts. This text dump for CIX and Usenet looks awful. So it goes. DRL] STOP PRESS: some sort of `event' is apparently due on 9 April. "Ansible" is sifting media reports in hope of ascertaining what's up and giving readers full, one-line coverage in May, or June. [Political reference to massively publicized British General Election.] ### THEY WALKED LIKE MEN ### "Douglas Adams" caused alarm when unexpectedly sighted in Folkestone: `Heaven knows what he was doing there -- we assume just gratuitously hanging around in W.H.Smith's being very tall and attracting no attention whatsoever. We retired outside to construct scenarios "re" his presence, mostly featuring him having escaped from the hotel room where he was supposedly slaving over a hot writing implement, though I gather the novel has already been turned in.' [MS] " Iain Banks" was reckoned to be `extremely amusing' down under at the Adelaide Writers' Week ... not to mention `also ideologically sound despite claiming, at the beginning of his Official Festival Talk, that he'd intended to smuggle in a machete with which to cut off the Prime Ministerial ocker hand that had dared to rest upon Her Majesty....' [YR] "Orson Scott Card" was announced as winner of the `Skylark Award' (presented by NESFA to people they like) at Boskone 29. In its Doc- Smithian way the trophy is topped with a lens, and former winner Jane Yolen explained why -- ever since a tragic conjunction of the Skylark, the sun and her best coat -- it is traditionally accompanied by a gift smoke-alarm. "Arthur C.Clarke" -- interviewed in the "Washington Post" on 9 Mar -- identified his notorious illness as post-polio syndrome, waxed enthusiastic about computer-simulated gardening on Mars (the planned futurology book is to be "The Snows of Olympus: A Garden on Mars" -- `It's really farming on Mars, although that doesn't sound quite so romantic.'), mentioned that his fax machine was swamped by crazed fans' birthday messages on HAL 9000's supposed `creation date' of 12 Jan 1992, and muttered as usual of 47 projects in hand.... [MMW] "Storm Constantine" featured recently in "Siren" magazine, reviewing Gothic rock groups and conferring `a strange, incongruous note of literacy' on this publication. [JH/JN] "Lionel & Patricia Fanthorpe" achieved a huge "Publishers Weekly" splash for "Secrets of Rennes-le-Chateau" (Samuel Weiser, spring list, $12.50), a revamp of their invisibly published 1982 book. `The link between Rennes-le-Chateau and Visigothic churches, Cathar castles, Templar fortresses, Roman gold mines, Mary Magdalen, Lazarus, Joseph of Arimathea, the Holy Grail, the Habsburgs, and even with the Money Pit on Oak Island in Nova Scotia, are all given strange credibility by the authors and researchers, Lionel and Patricia Fanthrope "[sic]".' Malcolm Edwards notes: `A front page ad is, of course, a Big Thing....' Umberto Eco offered no comment. "John Foyster" has learned how to be GoH at Australian cons in complete safety, by arranging a remote-control presence from Malaysia. `John delivered his Guest-of-Honour speech from Kuala Lumpur by telephone, linked to a public address system in the "Contract" convention hotel in Adelaide: Greg Hills reports that the convention crowd of thirteen responded to this speech (which credited the previous night's outbreak of purse-snatching in Kuala Lumpur as a compliment to John's "Godfather" presence) very favourably....' [YR] "Gwyneth Jones" won the first James Tiptree Jr Award for sf exploring/expanding gender thingies, for her "White Queen". This prize took the form of a chocolate typewriter. [JG] "Paul Kincaid" is telling everyone how he missed the London Bridge bomb blast on 28 Feb by a mere ten minutes, being how late his train was: `I felt I had been spared fortuitously to go home and write a seven- volume Chinese epic.' [PK] "Ken Lake" boggled fandom with the announcement that he's selling all his worldly goods, taking a farewell tour of the world (fannish accommodation sought) and planning never to return to these blighted shores. Was it something we said? "Duncan Lunan" has been enjoying interesting times (`After they put my solicitor in jail, my life began to straighten out again.'). Having typed mounds of his stuff into various alien computers, he now discovers himself with masterpiece after masterpiece on CBM-64 and Mac disks which his Amstrad PCW can't actually read, and is seeking expert help.... [DL] "James Randi" sends updates on Uri Geller's lawsuit against him, with thanks for countless defence-fund donations: `The US judge in the case has ruled that we may ask Mr Geller to prove his psychic powers under deposition.' "Tom Shippey" is said to be editing "The Oxford Book of SF Stories", offering #500 a story for reprints and claiming a first hardback print run of around 20,000 copies. I was not invited. Neither was my snarling informant. [Anon] "Brian Stableford" reports that his vampire novel "Young Blood" has not after all been renamed (see "A54") ... thanks to the sarcasm of his proposed credit to Simon & Schuster's sales folk for warning that the original title was inadequately `perfervid'. At Picocon, he informed a rapt audience that "all" sf ought to be sarcastic. `The reader should never be left feeling comfortable. The hero should never get the girl.' ### CONNASCENCY ### 10 Apr My birthday. CHRIS EVANS signs "Chimeras" at Book Inn, Charing Cross Rd, 6-8pm, and later falls over in the pub. 17-20 Apr ILLUMINATION, 43rd Eastercon; Norbreck Castle Hotel, Blackpool. #25 reg. Rooms #28/person/night. GoHs Paul McAuley, Geoff Ryman, Pam Wells (fan), TAFF winner Jeanne Bowman. Contact 379 Myrtle Rd, Sheffield, S2 3HQ. 24-26 Apr FREUCON, Eurocon; `Kurhaus' Congress Centre, Freudenstadt, Germany. GoHs Brunner, Spinrad, Banks, Walther. Too late to pre-register now: DM65 at the door. 30 Apr - 3 May WARP ONE, 35th UK Trek con, Middleton Tower Holiday Centre, Morecambe. #30 reg, rooms from #26.70/person/night full board. To boldly contact 69 Merlin Crescent, Edgware, Middlesex, HA8 6JB.... 19-21 Jun PROTOPLASM, Parkers Hotel, somewhere in Manchester. #16 reg (#18 from 1 May, #20 at door). GoH Bob Shaw. Rooms from #18.50/person/night. Contact 1 Shoesmith Ct, Merchants Place, Reading, Berks, RG1 1DT. 25-26 Jul HASTICON, Library, Hastings. GoH David Gemmell. Contact 53b All Saints St, Hastings, TN34 3BN. `I hope to concentrate on "Applied SF",' quoth George Hay. 6-8 Nov NOVACON 22, Royal Angus Hotel, Birmingham. #18 reg, #20 after Easter. GoH Storm Constantine. Contact 121 Cape Hill, Smethwick, Warley, W.Midlands, B66 4SH. PR1 warns that "membership numbers may have to be limited." 21-23 May 93 CORFLU 10, the US fanzine-fan con, Inn on the Park, Madison. GoH to be chosen as usual by lot. $35 reg. Splendidly silly flyer, "Queen of all Dairyland", to hand. C/o SF3, Box 1624, Madison, WI 53701-1624, USA. 28-31 May 93 MEXICON V, "No Fixed Abode". #18 reg. `Written sf' slant. Contact: 121 Cape Hill, Smethwick, Warley, W.Midlands, B66 4SH. Now venue-hunting after a traditional nasty from the Cairn Hotel (entire staff changed; `What's Mexicon? You booked last May? Well, "we've" booked another event. And our room rates are now #40/night minimum.') 1-4 Apr 94 BID COLLAPSE HORROR! "Nic Farey writes:" `As you may have surmised, the CONTACT Eastercon bid has folded. I'm sure you can find funnier reasons to print than the real ones, basically my underlying ill-health and overlying personal insolvency. These have combined to shove various "fun" activities aside.... No doubt everyone is feeling pissed off at me. Ah, well. There's always next time.' [19 Mar] Without the Isle of Man option (I confess I never fancied it, despite whispers that it had better facilities) will the Bristol SOU'WESTER be unopposed? Or could a new bid emerge from Illumination's smoke-filled bar to ensure that Sou'Wester's `old and devious' committee suffers the full Ordeal By Very Boring Questions? ### INFINITELY IMPROBABLE ### BSFA AWARDS SHORTLIST. NOVEL: "Raft", Stephen Baxter; "The Architecture of Desire", Mary Gentle; "Eternal Light", Paul McAuley; "Witches Abroad", Terry Pratchett; "The Fall of Hyperion", Dan Simmons. SHORT: `Bad Timing', Molly Brown, "Interzone 54"; `Appropriate Love', Greg Egan, "IZ50"; `Nothing Special', Colin Greenland, "Temps"; `Crossroads', Paul McAuley, "IZ46"; `Floating Dogs', Ian McDonald, "New Worlds 1"; `Colour', Michael Moorcock, "NW1"; `In the Air', Kim Newman/Eugene Byrne, "IZ43". DRAMATIC: "Edward Scissorhands, Red Dwarf IV, Star Trek -- TNG, Terminator II". ART: all "Interzone" covers -- Geoff Taylor "IZ45", Mark Harrison "IZ48", SMS "IZ52", SMS "IZ54". `No Award' is a voting option in the last two but "not" the first two categories, I didn't quite catch why. [JG] EXPUNGED FROM THE HISTORIES: informants note with strange glee that David Pringle's ten-year retrospective editorial in "Interzone 58" omits obscure name Colin Greenland from the list of "IZ'"s eight original co- editors. Also lost to history: Ian Miller (art editor from #4), Lin Morris (assistant editor from #10), and several of the magazine's former designers.... R.I.P. US film-maker Jack Arnold died 17 March aged 75. His best- loved sf movie was "The Incredible Shrinking Man" (1957); others include "It Came From Outer Space", "Creature from the Black Lagoon", "Revenge of the Creature" and "Tarantula". EUROCON AWARDS: selected by a democratic process of telling fans what to vote for, the British nominations are Geoff Ryman (author), Jim Burns (artist), "Foundation" (magazine), Gollancz (publisher), the BSFA (`promoter') and Ian McDonald (new author). Winners announced at Freucon. [BW] TAFF. A fourth candidate is now rumoured, being Harry Bond standing on the `Anything's Better Than Kev McVeigh' platform. My lips remain sealed about the intervening two. Meanwhile Jeanne Bowman is planning a collection of rilly triffic instalments from TAFF reports that never actually got finished -- thus bringing the authors either massive fame or public humiliation, depending how you look at it.... As for the next westbound race, Richard Brandt conveys a Hint: `Anyone who's interested in seeing me visit Britain is welcome to ask me to run again at some future date.' Nudge, nudge. R.I.P. Eric Bentcliffe, long-time UK fan editor ("Triode" 1954-1977) and 1960 TAFF winner, died of cancer late in Feb. [AVC] ASIMOV FLOGGED! Davis Publications have sold "Isaac Asimov's SF Magazine", "Analog", "Ellery Queen's Mystery Magazine" and "Alfred Hitchcock's Mystery Magazine" to Bantam/Doubleday/Dell. Supposedly there will be no editorial changes. "[IM]" HAZEL'S GOURMET SPOT: THE DURIAN. `As soon as one steps into the airport at Kuala Lumpur, one's aware not only of the heat but of a mingled odour: like sizzling hot iron, and like durian (as I've smelt it through tightly bound layers of thick plastic in Australia). It was not durian, however -- not even durian season. So we contented ourselves with durian ice-cream. (Since high-school geography lessons, I've been fascinated by this paradox of the abominable smell and the swooningly ravishing taste.) The ice-cream -- which was yellow -- tasted at first as if it were based on siphonings from an old-fashioned lavatory can: one wondered how one could possibly be eating it on purpose. But somewhere there was a change-over point, where one wasn't sure what one was tasting, but wished one could go on tasting it forever. John, however, says the ice-cream is nothing like real durian -- which Janeen Webb, on the other hand, says is like eating raspberry ice-cream in an uncleaned public lavatory, and not worth it.' [YR again] US NEOFAN. Linda Gerstein and Eli Cohen have, as they say in Court Circulars, sprogged: Peter Lawrence Cohen, "b".18 Feb. TEN YEARS AGO. Brian Aldiss, fresh from an appearance in Pseud's Corner, was preparing for "Desert Island Discs": `the Seal of Respectability which will alienate all self-respecting fans. Beethoven's Ninth or I Wish I Could Shimmy Like My Sister Kate? It is a problem.' Lisa Tuttle tried without success to refuse a Nebula award. Ian Watson savaged Colin Greenland on the front page of "Ansible", whose editor was subsequently ticked off by Malcolm Edwards.... ("Ansible 25", Apr 82) ### `UNPRAISED, UNREWARDED MILLIONS' ### `I presume you too have heard from David Pringle,' writes Andy Sawyer, `with the news that "Million" is to be retitled "Couple of Dozen" and from now on contributors will be invited to send large cheques along with their explorations of the murkier areas of bestsellerdom....' Yes, alas, the Pringle bombshell is that the fabled "Million: The Magazine of Popular Fiction" can no longer afford to pay its writers ... except with skiploads of free copies. In a circular letter following "Million 8", the hero editor explains: `I've been putting off the evil day when I had to decide this, but, facing as I do an as-yet unpaid print bill for issue 7 (never mind issue 8), the time has come to admit that "Million" must cut its cloth to fit its real status as a "little magazine" rather than as a would-be mass- market publication. `... The magazine has not been doing as well as it should do, although the subscription list continues to rise (slowly). We received no income at all from newstrade sales of issue 6 -- the money from the few copies which were sold was wiped out by late returns from earlier issues; and I doubt we shall get much, if anything, from issues 7 and 8. Bookshop sales (Murder One apart) are tiny and decreasing. I have invested about #12,000 of my own money in "Million", and, having lost my salaried job "[editing `GW Books' for Games Workshop]" a few months ago, I cannot afford to put in another penny. I'm still very hopeful that the magazine will survive (mainly on individual and library subscriptions, not newstrade or bookshop sales). `... So, with deep regrets, I now have no choice but to introduce a policy of non-payment for articles and reviews published. In this respect, "Million" will resemble countless academic and small-press journals ("Foundation" is one example familiar to us both). `P.S. None of the above applies in any way to "Interzone", which is doing rather better than "Million" (though not wonderfully, thanks to the present recession).' [DP, 13 Mar] Ill winds: my mother has been struggling to buy "Million" for about a year (`No such magazine, love,' say local newsagents in their cheeky South Welsh way), and little knows that she's about to receive an immense bounty of copies as payment-in-kind for my own scheduled or recently published bits.... Ansible 57 (c) Dave Langford, 1994. Thanks to: Vince Clarke, Malcolm Edwards, Jenny Glover (especially), Judith Hanna, INSTANT MESSAGE, Roz Kaveney, Paul Kincaid, Duncan Lunan, Joseph Nicholas, David Pringle, Yvonne Rousseau, Maureen Speller, Bridget Wilkinson, Martin Morse Wooster and Ping Pong HQ. 1/4/92 Posted by Dave Langford ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk ANSIBLE 57 1/2 EASTER 1992 From DAVE LANGFORD, 94 London Road, Reading, Berkshire, RG1 5AU. Fax 0734 669914. ISSN 0265-9816. Available at random fan gatherings, by whim or for stamped addressed envelopes -- sorry, no paid subscriptions. [Disclaimer: Each issue of ANSIBLE is designed for exquisite DTP in multiple fonts. This text dump for CIX and Usenet looks awful. So it goes. DRL] STOP PRESS: There is "no" page two. This is a special `lite' edition produced for paper-plane fandom at Illumination. OK? ### FOUR HUNDRED BILLION FANS ### "Isaac Asimov's" death on 6 Apr, aged 72, apparently came as no surprise to those in the know. Personally I had no idea. The sad event received the wide media coverage Asimov deserved, with John Clute being tactful on the radio (parrying queries about the scientific impact of the Laws of Robotics with a remark that they'd had more "literary" influence; unobtrusively praising IA's science writing rather than his fiction since 1970 or so) and Brian Aldiss's lively "Guardian" obituary summing him up as `a most admirable monster' of prolificity -- this followed by warm letters from Arthur C.Clarke and Harry Harrison. Somehow I never met Asimov. Now I wish I had. "Vince Clarke" looks backward: `A biography of Frank Edward Arnold by '70s British fan Dave Rowe is due in a forthcoming "Outworlds" from Bill Bowers; '60s fan/author Mary Long has been divorced in the US and is returning to Britain; and if anyone knows of old-time artist Bob Clothier's address, there's someone wanting reprint permission for an illo that appeared in a '51 "New Worlds". All old-fashioned, see?' "David Gerrold", erstwhile skiffy author, has been devoting his time to a vastly oversized and naff IBM program called Prism that "changes screen colours," gosh wow! `You can end up with 16 shades of green if you like,' enthuses Terry Pratchett. `Great for those blocked moments -- you can always go in and tinker with the colour scheme and still think you're working.' "Steve Green" was first with the bankruptcy news: `Pegasus went into receivership on Thursday. No great surprise to anyone who ever dealt with them or (more rarely) managed to track down a copy of a Pegasus magazine on the news-stands. All three titles, "Academy, Siren" and "Gamesman", had crap distribution, astoundingly amateur subbing/layout, and (in the genre titles at least) a complete lack of direction. Turning a fairly successful title like "Fantazia" into a nondescript "Empire" rip-off "[i.e. Academy]" takes a special kind of stupidity. Doubt that many will be wearing black armbands at Eastercon, aside from the numerous creditors. I hear the original printer is owed the thick end of #100,000.' [9 Apr] "Dave Langford" still seeks a Worthy Fan Cause which will sell subscriptions, print and mail out "Ansible", and pocket the vast profits. His irrational dread of mailing lists continues. "David Pringle" muses on his "Million: The Magazine Of No More Contributors' Payments." `Oddly enough, the two or three other contributors who have asked for gift subs in lieu have also nominated their mothers. Our printer's mother reads it; my mother reads it; it's definitely a Mum's Magazine. Whenever I receive a phone call from a middle-aged or elderly woman I automatically assume it's going to be about "Million" -- and I'm always right. We have a few Old Boys too.' ### THE ALMOST FACTUAL FAN ### ... is the title of "Jeanne Bowman's" TransAtlantic Fan Fund report-in- progress. I think she might be aiming at the drabble market. `Edit it down,' she cried, but I don't see how: "Wednesday." Heathrow. Judith Hanna greets at tube -- move into Frinton Road -- Joseph Nicholas is Attila the Tidy. Dinner: ABIGAIL FROST, Woman of Presence. Labour victory certain. Linda Krawecke's gumbo: yum. "Thursday." Walked. Trafalgar Square, Kew Gardens, rhododendrons not as good as home. Judith's home-cooked feast, then election. Fuck the Tories. "Friday." Slept in. British Natural History Museum. Dinner: Anne Hamill, Jimmy Robertson. Jimmy at 9:20: `That's a bomb.' (It was.) Ethnic food intro: Irn Bru. "Saturday." Shopping with Pam Wells. Wore shoes. "Sunday." Judith escorts to Reading. Martin Hoare's Birthday Party. He is late for it (pub). Ethnic drinking. "Monday." Hazel Langford lured into our "[i.e. Jeanne's and Don Herron's]" first literary pilgrimage and hometown tour: Amersham & Arthur Machen. Lunch in AM's local, The King's Arms. Describe Dave L. as exotic. Walk Oxford. Learn of Dave `PV=nRT' Langford's explosive student days. Ethnic Turkish food. "Tuesday." On to investigate henges, `Hills of Dreams' and Welsh slag heaps.... [14 Apr, 11:15-11:30am] ### CONDYLOMA: UPDATES ### 18 Apr MARTIN HOARE is 40, ho ho. Please rush me other appalling sf anniversaries in the period 8-12 Apr 93, for the Helicon newsletter. [] After the collapse of the CONTACT bid for Eastercon '94, rumourmongers are now hinting at hideous, unspecified problems with the SOU'WESTER bid's Bristol hotel. 30 Apr - 3 May WARP ONE, 35th UK Trek con, Middleton Tower Holiday Centre, Morecambe. #30 reg, rooms from #26.70/person/night full board. To boldly contact 69 Merlin Crescent, Edgware, Middlesex, HA8 6JB.... 18-26 Jul MINEHEAD SPACE AGE FESTIVAL, Exhibition Centre, Market House Lane, Minehead. #1/day. Expected: Arthur C.Clarke (a Minehead lad), Patrick Moore, J.Brunner, T.Pratchett, etc. Contact Town Clerk, Town Hall, The Parade, Minehead, TA24 5NB. [D.Redd] Clashes interestingly with: 25-26 Jul HASTICON, Library, Hastings. GoH David Gemmell. #2.50/day to Hastings Arts. Contact 53b All Saints St, Hastings, TN34 3BN. B&B list available. "Membership limit 60." A `decoding' of "Little, Big" `by the architect who designed the Glasgow Exhibition' is promised. Bar: in nearby pub. 30 Oct-1 Nov WHO'S 7, "Dr Blake" con; Moat House Hotel, Telford. Contact 137 High St, Plaistow Broadway, E13 9HH. 1-3 Oct 93 VOCON, Hitcher con; Tollgate Hotel, Grave send. #15 reg. Contact 17 Guildford St, Brighton, BN1 3LS. ### FOUND ON A COMPUTER NET ### Ever notice that the second or third time you read a book, you discover all sorts of typos and misprints? The more often you read a book, the more typos you will find. These typos are read-errors: mistakes introduced by reading the text. To preserve accuracy, you should purchase a new edition each time you wish to read a book. Most of all, avoid used books, pirated editions and books from unknown sources. Public libraries are especially dangerous! Library books are read many times, introducing uncounted read-errors. Worse, borrowers (and some unscrupulous authors) can infect books with literary viruses (analogous to computer viruses) which can be transmitted to other readers. You can avoid these problems by reading only new books, and purchasing fresk shrinkwrapped volumes at your local bookstore. Hardback editions are most resistant to typos and literary viruses; get these whenever possible. A public service message brought to you by a disinterested party -- "Clifford Stoll". [via Instant Message #509] Ansible 57 1/2 (c) Dave Langford, 1994. Thanks to: Abigail Frost, Judith Hanna, INSTANT MESSAGE, Chris Priest, David Pringle, David Redd. 15/4/92 Posted by Dave Langford ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk ANSIBLE 58 MAY 1992 From DAVE LANGFORD, 94 London Road, Reading, Berkshire, RG1 5AU. Fax 0734 669914. ISSN 0265-9816. Available at random fan gatherings, by whim or for stamped addressed envelopes -- sorry, no paid subscriptions. [Disclaimer: Each issue of ANSIBLE is designed for exquisite DTP in multiple fonts. This text dump for CIX and Usenet looks awful. So it goes. DRL] ### A PROCESSION OF THE DAMNED ### "Nick Austin" is now the all-potent paperback supremo at Orion. "John Brosnan", having written at length about (alleged) amazing and legally interesting resemblances between his novel "Carnosaur" and Michael Crichton's later "Jurassic Park", subsequently begged me not to quote him (supposedly for fear of mucking up a deal whereby Roger Corman was to film "Carnosaur" on a budget of #2.37 before Spielberg could finish filming "JP"), and "then" broke the story in a letter to a mere Sunday newspaper. Poot. Upbraided in the Illumination bar, Mr Brosnan explained unrepentantly: `I changed my mind.' "Martin Hoare" sent his traditional mini-report from Freucon in Germany: `A great Eurocon -- 17 nations represented so far, including China. Just heard Malcolm Edwards "still" owes Confiction f1100 [Dutch], and Charlie Brown owes f400!' [25 Apr] "Joseph Nicholas" has been trapped by raging floods up in desolate Harlech! `I only tried to turn on the water in your bloody flat, Langford,' he said in an exclusive postcard. "Mike Rohan" fears he's developed a fatal telepathic link with Tim Powers: they keep writing books on similar themes, with the Powers usually appearing about a week sooner.... [HM] "D.West" reports: `Bradford 50s fan Tom White (co-editor of "BEM" with M.Ashworth) died recently. Leeds group meetings have been intermittent.... Jan Orys is minding the baby. Linda Strickler keeps falling over and breaking legs. Dave Mooring and Sarah Dibb are moving to the historic former abode of Dave Pringle and Simon Ounsley, site of many a wicked elitist World Domination plot. Nigel Richardson appears on the nights everyone else has stayed home, being too devoted to the principle of spontaneous non-organized fandom ever to lower himself to phone and check. Charles Stross, of course, is now too distant and hugely famous ever to favour us with his words of wisdom again. The new Isaac Astral. Win some, lose some.' ### THE ILLUMINOIDS ### "Illumination, Blackpool, Easter '92:" the Norbreck Castle Hotel promoted fannish health with facilities spread over miles of bracing corridors, and a rigorous breakfast curfew to discourage cholesterol intake. (`The breakfasts are actually very good,' said one wide-eyed committee member, `especially the mushrooms.' Those not at the secret upstairs committee breakfasts got no mushrooms, and riot was narrowly averted.) So-so hotel food apart, it seemed a pretty good venue, as vast sprawling castellated places three miles from city centres go. `I was booked into the same room as Geoff Ryman,' said ashen-faced GoH Paul McAuley. `I had to explain the guest relationship isn't "quite" that close.' PM also reeled in horror at being tagged as a reincarnation of "[ideologically suspect author omitted]" in the deeply naff opening- ceremony script, and hastily substituted Philip K.Dick. Each registration pack came with a free fortune cookie containing a plug for Chung Kuo -- the epic. A large box of spares was later hurled into a party, and vicious cookie-fights ensued: I looked in vain for certain reviewers muttering, `As I thought, this sick and obscene work inevitably engenders violence.' Who could possibly speak authoritatively for an hour-long Isaac Asimov retrospective, organized at the last possible minute? The usual suspects made themselves scarce and three pundits who shall be nameless were forcibly conscripted. Con chair Rhodri James remarked, with measured care, `It was "interesting" ... people thought you must have been retrospecting in the bar for a long while beforehand. ' Chris `Someone bit me last night but I don't know who' Bell deplored the folding of the CONTACT Eastercon bid: `We were planning to stand up at the bidding session and say, "Actually, Sou'Wester is a spoof bid," and watch Nic Farey's face.' Dave Ellis could not be stopped from describing his hotel room, whose fitted carpet gave way to an expanse of concrete adorned by a bin to catch drips from the ceiling leak.... Roz Kaveney: `What about the "Villains" signing?' Dick Jude, Forbidden Planetoid: `Oh, Penguin didn't send the books.' RK: `"WHAT?" I've been here two days and you didn't tell me?' DJ: `Oh, I didn't think to.' RK, in bar: `"How much" does that man get "paid" to run a bookshop and sell books? So I went to ask if the package had arrived early and been put in a hotel storeroom, and came back with the books, "fully determined" to deliver them to Dick Jude rectally -- ' `Everything is wonderful,' said Kev McVeigh to the massed ranks of the BSFA. `Er, our only qualified accountant has resigned, and so have numerous editors, and we'll probably have to merge some of the magazines, and put the subscription up, but "overall"....' I had to be elsewhere and missed the rest of this Panglossian enthusiasm. Steve Lawson said of his wife, `Will you do it to Alice?' -- sadly just a "Villains" autograph request. More awkward was Jim Burns's demand that, besides an inscription, authors add some `personal stain'. Publishing parties involved secretive cash floats at the Dealers' Room bar; by the time of Gollancz's, fans had caught on and the queue was parsecs long when, quite soon, the money ran out. [] `Programme streams named Flopsy, Mopsy and Cottontail are bad enough,' I puked gently, `but do I really have to talk in a room called Peter Fan?' `Shut up,' explained Anne Page. David Bell reeled back from a bar trivia game, quavering: `This machine has just asked me which religion L.Ron Hubbard founded.' Ever-political Abigail Frost did the con newsletter a story on the Revolutionary Communist Party's weird mystery-tour convention that same weekend: editor Chris O'Shea altered the name (`Revolving Communal Party') as he `thought there was a "real" organization called that.' AJF: `THAT'S THE FUCKING POINT!' CO'S: `Well, I had to make it funny or it wouldn't mean anything to fandom.' David Pringle presided over an "Interzone" ten-year retrospective, surrounded by less successful small-press publishers. `Now I'll ask Chris Reed of "BBR" to tell us how he tried for national distribution like mine but failed miserably,' he said, or words to that effect, and presently expounded on his new flyer campaign: `We've printed 120,000 of these and they'll be going out with "Granta, Literary Review, London Review of Books, New Scientist" [see 9 May issue], "New Statesman", the "TLS" ... The "LRB" editor says to expect 0.4% response, that's 480 subscriptions, taking us up to around 2,500 ... and it's all jam because the Arts Council incentive grant is paying for the flyers!' Gnashing teeth resounded on every side. Chris Evans kept wincing as penniless friends and Rog Peyton queued to say, `Your new book "Chimeras" is no doubt triff but Grafton must be insane -- "I'm" not paying #5.99 for a slim 173pp paperback.' Late at night Gamma confided loudly, `I'm going to sit at that table with the woman with the breasts, and give her my Aleister Crowley look.' Fireworks: huge concussions setting off car-alarms all over the hotel car park, terrified policemen dodging showers of hot embers, fire engines hurtling coincidentally past, general oohs and ahhs, and behind me the small, sad voice of James White saying (after one particularly fearful detonation), `They're trying to make me feel at home.' A 5" piece of ordnance was found left over and MUFF, the Mortar Under a Fan Fund, was instantly mooted. `"Why,"' asked Abigail in habitual alarm, `did Dermot Dobson just put his arm around me and say "Hello, my little nest of vipers"?' Gazing from the safe side of the hotel's glass-walled `Health & Fitness Club' at the quivering forms within, fans clutching pints of beer were reminded of the bit in St. Augustine or somewhere about heaven's joys being enhanced by looking over the edge at the torments of the damned. `Favourite overheard line: "Anxious fan" -- "I told Ramsey Campbell I had this great story idea for him, and he "did" say he'd be in this bar around now...."' [PB] One nearby Italian restaurant offered "Pate"" Tricolore alla `Don"" Antonio' -- A fan of three"" pates." Who was this fan? Did we know him? After cracking some mild jokes about Storm Constantine in my own talk I was accosted by her supporters' club, Vikki Lee France, who said rather sharply: `You obviously know nothing about sex and have never experienced an orgasm.' Oh. At the end-of-con grump session Mike Molloy started to explain how no one needed these uppity `tech' people, at which point his mike mysteriously went dead. (`We took him at his word' -- Pat Silver.) Mild-mannered Andrew Stephenson was overheard saying, `Whitley Strieber is completely batty. He writes crap. He's always written crap. All his books are crap. He's never "going" to write anything but crap....' At Geoff Ryman's party, aspiring capitalist Rog Peyton did a triumphalist rant about the Tory election victory: `And when they finally destroy the National Health Service forever, I'll be "really happy!"' `I can't listen to this,' gasped Mike Ford, backing away as though from Chernobyl. `It's too awful....' Erstwhile spaceman Gerry Webb waxed maudlin about recessions, debts and his toddler son's appalling prospects in a country dominated by, well, Rog Peyton. [] J.Nicholas's strangely clinging leggings attracted comment; tight-lipped Judith Hanna said, `I don't censor Joseph's "clothes".' Luring its audience with free T-shirts, David Wingrove's Chung Kuo revivalist meeting won the respect of "CK"-hating David V.Barrett but not of John Richards: `"We writers are the heirs of Ariadne," he said, "following the thread through the labyrinth with our torches held high and the wide-eyed readers following behind...." It was the most pretentious gibberish I've ever heard.' One has heard worse, mate. Of course there were awards. For my sins I had to present the BSFA's, with the added fun of trying to reconstruct their mislaid nominations list "even as" Ramsey Campbell was introducing me. NOVEL "The Fall of Hyperion"/Dan Simmons, SHORT `Bad Timing'/Molly Brown, ART "IZ48" cover/Mark Harrison, DRAMATIC "Terminator 2". Eastercon `fun' awards: LONG TEXT "Take Back Plenty"/Colin Greenland, SHORT `Quantum Choco- Dynamics'/Sean Ellis "et al", GRAPHIC `Milton Keynes' T-shirt/Smitty, DRAMATIC "Red Dwarf V". Colin Greenland writes thanking `the dozens and dozens of people who sent that beautiful Get Well card ... also for voting me an Eastercon Award. Nevertheless, I do feel I ought to point out that "Take Back Plenty" now has three awards (the worthy one, the official one, and now one just for fun) ... there are plenty of other books out there, some of which haven't got "any awards at all" -- so I think you ought to start voting for some of them now. In case you're wondering, I've got M.E. (or post-viral fatigue syndrome, for short), which is absolutely bloody exhausting -- I am getting better slowly....' Avowedly silly awards were also presented, to much acclaim: "Most promising newcomer" D.West, "Most active fan" Bernie Evans, "Most inactive "Brian Davis, "Most fanciable "Teddy, "Most talented "Dave Mooring, "Most untalented "Steve Green (`Wait for the "Critical Wave" headline, `"Wave" Editor Wins Major Award' [AJF]), "Most boring "Nigel E.Richardson, "Most exciting "David Lally, "Most excitable" Pam Wells, "Most likely to succeed" Bernie Evans, "Most likely to fail" Tony Berry, "Most chauvinistic" Nic Farey (invariably seen introducing himself to some lady so, er, thrustingly that within 30 secs she would be pointedly mentioning a large husband or boyfriend), "Best bum in fandom" Dave Mooring. Let us not discuss all the obvious fixes.... Oh, and Roger Robinson got the Doc Weir `good guy' award. The '94 bidding session, rumour forewarned us, was to be an ordeal by fire for the `unopposed' Sou'Wester committee. After an invisible slide-show in the not very darkened hall, they did indeed cringe a bit at savage questions like `Have you got a hotel contract?' (no, just a letter of agreement) and `Is it true that what you're paying for function space is such as to stupefy the imagination?' (yes, apparently). MC John Richards had half-expected a `Hold Over Decision' vote, later observing that `Ian Sorensen woffled interminably from the floor and lost "Hold Over" an awful lot of votes by arguing for it.' A first show of hands was decisive: Bristol it is. In theory.... Terry Pratchett was on the far side of the world for Easter, but has since remarked: `I know something about Bristol's hotels and for the life of me I can't imagine a con in any of them.' By Monday I felt old and tired and pathetically grateful for a lift home. Not as old and tired as senescent Martin `Oh God I'm "40" this weekend' Hoare ... but my turn comes "next" Easter. ### CONSTUPRATION: YET MORE UPDATES ### 22-25 May INCONSEQUENTIAL, Aston Court Hotel, Derby. GoH Robert Rankin. #21 reg; rooms #30/single, #52/double. Contact 12 Crich Avenue, Littleover, Derby, DE3 6ES. 8-9 Aug FAB 1, Thunderbirds con, Wolverhampton Civic Hall. Contact 15 Fullers Ct, Exeter, Devon, EX2 4DZ. 17-24 Aug MYTHCON XXIII, Tolkien centenary special, presumably in Oxford. #25 reg. Contact 16 Gibsons Green, Heelands, Milton Keynes, MK13 7NH. 28 Aug - 1 Sep REC-CON, thirtysomethingth UK "Star Trek" con, Piccadilly Hotel, Manchester. #25 reg. Contact 65 Park Rd, Dartford, Kent, DA1 1ST. 27-29 Nov HILLCON III, Beneluxcon, Atlanta Hotel, Rotterdam. f40 reg (f52.50 from 1 Jun). Contact Ruud van de Kruisweg, Bijltjespad 52, 1018 KH Amsterdam, Netherlands. 1-4 Apr 94 SOU'WESTER, 45th Eastercon, Bristol. GoHs Diane Duane, Neil Gaiman, Barbara Hambly, Peter Morwood. #20 reg -- #18 to paid-up presupporters. Contact 3 West Shrubbery, Redland, Bristol, BS6 6SZ. "Rumblings" BACON is a 1994 Unicon bid being assembled by Helen Steele in the sinister fastnesses of Cambridge. [GR] ### INFINITELY IMPROBABLE ### `SHOCK HORROR ASHLEY TAFF CANDIDATE. No kidding -- H.Ashworth having declined nomination ("I am not worthy. Besides, I can't be bothered."), eminent Nova-winning M.Ashley has expressed interest, assuming he can find out where this place is that he's supposed to go. Opinion polls report K.McVeigh and H.Bond 96 points clear, so it should be a walkover. Tell Abi to stand and save them all from themselves.' [DW] Ace US TAFF delegate Jeanne Bowman refused to refuse to comment. LITTLE, BROWN (who plan to replace MacDonald's Sphere and Futura imprints with `Warner' as in the USA, and to cut back from 20 to 12 titles/month [SFC]) now seem keen on an "Encyclopaedia of Fantasy" to follow the second "SF Encyclopaedia". COA. "Mary Long" "`(but not Sam)'", Box 17143, Rochester, NY 14617, USA; "Lilian Edwards/Tommy McClellan", 39 (1F2) Viewforth, Bruntsfield, Edinburgh, EH10 4JE; "Sarah Dibb/Dave Mooring", 21 The Village St, Leeds, LS4 2PR; "Simon Ounsley", 28 Beckwith Cres, Harrogate, HG2 0BQ; "Taral", 245 Dunn Ave, Toronto, Ontario, Canada, M6K 1S6. [] Ansible 58 (c) Dave Langford, 1994. Thanks to: Paul Barnett, D.Cotterill (lift), Abigail Frost, Hugh Mascetti, Gareth Rees, SF CHRONICLE, D.West. 7/5/92 Posted by Dave Langford ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk ANSIBLE 59 JUNE 1992 From DAVE LANGFORD, 94 London Road, Reading, Berkshire, RG1 5AU. Fax 0734 669914. ISSN 0265-9816. Available at random fan gatherings, by whim or for stamped addressed envelopes -- sorry, no paid subscriptions. [Disclaimer: Each issue of ANSIBLE is designed for exquisite DTP in multiple fonts. This text dump for CIX and Usenet looks awful. So it goes. DRL] ANTI-PUBLISHING: Forget the traditional sf pastimes of fix-ups, sharecropping and remaindering. Literary agents now report that British sf publishing is taking the next logical step after non-books -- "negative" books. Macho editors boast not of buying but of cancelling titles. In this era of backoff-list publishing some familiar sf names are prominent. John Jarrold, new man at Legend, has been hastily returning numerous works bought by his predecessor Deborah Beale. `Commissioning editor?' he did not say to our reporter: `More like decommissioning, har har.' Meanwhile Malcolm Edwards is pruning the Grafton list of `unviables' bought by "his" over-optimistic predecessors Nick Austin and Malcolm Edwards, and by the end of 1992 hopes to be riding out the recession from a strong nil-book, no-authors position. Some writers thought themselves protected by contracts that bind their publishers to produce the book unless prevented by actual social collapse or nuclear holocaust ... but publishers have started invoking that obscure and rarely used contract clause which goes, `So sue us.' ### THE LUNATICS OF TERRA ### "Iain Banks" and Anne Blackburn were married on 20 March at that trad Scots venue the County Court in Honolulu. [BGN]" John Brunner" is having trouble `thanks to virtually total cessation of support from my US publishers. During the whole of 1992 Del Rey, with 17 of my books, sent me less than $300 in royalties, having contrived to avoid getting my last novel noticed even by "Publishers' Weekly" and "Kirkus Service". Now DAW has served notice that all the dozen or so books of mine that were on their list have been withdrawn from sale. What I receive from Europe including the UK is and always has been negligible. I face, in short, the prospect of "effectively no royalties" for the indefinite future. `I have a novel nearly finished, but the editor may insist on changes, so I must expect a long wait for the on-delivery advance. I have another in mind, that I believe will do well, but it will take months to secure a contract. If you know of anyone who's letting commissions that might keep the wolf from the door -- no matter what, fiction or non- fiction (I'd welcome a chance to write some non-fiction for a change) -- I'd be enormously obliged to hear about it.' [25 May] "Bruce Gillespie" reports: `Terry Pratchett was out here recently. It was the last day of his current trip to New Zealand and Australia, and he was speaking to the Melbourne Sf Club. [He] insisted on going off microphone, then talking in a strange way down at his feet or up at the ceiling, or anywhere else that could not reach the audience. The jokes I heard were very good. I had the satisfaction of asking a question that he had never been asked before, i.e. "How did you get involved in British fandom?" Turns out that he's been around the fringes for a very long time before becoming famous. [...] Although she could not attend (living 500 miles away in Adelaide), Yvonne Rousseau consented to write a report on the Gillespie-Cochrane Garden Party of 3 May. Using nothing but a telephone, she managed to reconstruct the entire event more or less as it happened. Brilliant stuff. There was only one Scandalous Incident, which Yvonne relates with some glee and absolute accuracy. The Villain of the Incident, needless to say, is Peter Nicholls.' [20 May] Very tantalizing.... "Colin Murray" is reportedly taking over at Orbit, but in accordance with publishers' universal need to save money will continue to live in far-off Scotland. And commute by air. "Frederik Pohl" still deplores the official acceptance of backward- looking fantasy writers into SFWA, now SFFWA: `Sf is the very literature of change. In fact, it's the only such literature we have; and as such it really deserves to have its own, unshared institutions. Pity it doesn't.' [SFC May] "Brian Stableford" had a nasty moment: `Took Leo to the "Meet Robert Jordan" event at Forbidden Planet; so he would know who RJ was I gave him my review copy of "The Eye of the World", which he dutifully began to read on the train. The event was dramatically unattended (the only superstar present apart from RJ was Charles Stross) though not unpleasant -- RJ is an amiable and likeable person -- but as we left the FP security guard refused to believe that Leo's copy of "TEOTW" was not ripped off from FP's stock and, after some discussion, insisted on confiscating it. This means that Leo will never find out what happens in the 800 pages he didn't manage to read and that FP will make three times their normal profit when they sell that copy (unlike Orbit and RJ, who will make nothing). One can't blame the guard -- after all, sf writers are professional liars, so how can you take their word for anything? -- but when I recall that it has been my habit for two years to drop in to FP every Friday (Sept-March) before teaching my City Lit evening class, always carrying a briefcase bulging with sf books, I shudder at the thought that the whole lot might have been confiscated at any time. I shall be far more circumspect in future; profound embarrassment will prevent me from ever stepping into the shop again.' [28 May] "Alex Stewart" has been wearing a vast grin since talking with Penguin: `"Temps" sold out, 15,000 copies, and they're "actually reprinting" it to sell with book 2 in the autumn, and "Villains" has cleared 5,000 already! I'm totally amaz -- er, I mean, this is very much according to Midnight Rose expectations....' "D.West" boasts that besides the dole, his 1992 income consists of `the #4 our wonderful Policemen gave me for appearing in an identity parade. (No, I didn't get picked out. Didn't do the burglary, either.)' [19 May] A Leeds Group well-wisher adds: `With the summer timetable, the last train for Keighley doesn't leave Leeds until 23:14. Leeds Groupers depart the Adelphi bar around 10:30, meaning that D. has to spend that time alone, "buying his own beer". Time for an ANSIBLE ASTRAL APPEAL: find this man a new drinking buddy to share those lonesome minutes. Star Trek fans, budding novelists and gun-owners all considered. 50p to the usual address.' [NER] "Gahan Wilson" is to be amazed, or not, at receiving a Horror Writers of America award for `Life Achievement' at the HWA's Bram Stoker Awards presentation on 21 June. [SFC May] "Jane Yolen" bewails lack of time for cons and trips south while in the UK, adding: `Scotland, while good for my soul, is not good for my writing. It seems to have slowed me down.' Yes, in nearly 3 months here she's done only 3 essays, 2 short stories, 2 picture books, 5 poems and 2 YA novel chapters. `Not anywhere near up to my usual standard.' [27 May] ### CONSOPITION ### 17 Jun BSFA -- the monthly meeting rises from its grave. 3rd "Wed", Victoria and Albert pub, Marylebone BR station concourse, 6:30pm on. (Speaker/event planned for 7:30.) 19-21 Jun PROTOPLASM, Parkers Hotel, Manchester city centre. #14 reg. GoH Bob Shaw. #18 reg, #20 at door. Rooms from #18.50/person/night. Contact 1 Shoesmith Ct, Merchants Place, Reading, Berks, RG1 1DT. Amoebae get in free. 21 Jun LANGFORD WEDDING -- my more famous brother Jon and Helen Tsatsos are getting married in Chicago and, alas, I can't make it. Passing fans please hurl confetti for me. 4 Jul ARMAGEDDON FIREWORKS, Hardwick House, Whitchurch on Thames (near Pangbourne). 8pm, detonations 10-10:30 onward. #3.50. Beer tent. Contact 0734 588570. [MAH] 18-20 Jul CONTAGION, Central Hotel, Glasgow. Trek con. #30 reg. Contact PO Box 867, Rutherglen, Glasgow, G73 4HR. 18-26 Jul MINEHEAD SPACE AGE FESTIVAL, Town Hall, The Parade, Minehead. Arthur C.Clarke, Patrick Moore and John Brunner (18th only) plus cast of thousands, down to the soul-chilling `An Evening of Entertainment by Minehead Dramatic Society on a Space Theme' (clashing with Terry Pratchett's talk on the 25th, poor sods). Contact 0643 707213. [DR] 25-26 Jul HASTICON, Library, Claremont, Hastings. GoH David Gemmell (also me and allegedly Colin Greenland -- who writes, `I'm not bad at all, really, as long as I don't expect too much of myself and don't attempt to go anywhere.'). #2.50/day (10am-6pm) to Hastings Arts, 53b All Saints St, Hastings, TN34 3BN, or contact 0424 420634. Limited numbers. 1 Aug CLWYDCON, `SF poetry theme', Celyn Horticultural Coll., Northop, Clwyd. #6 reg, #13.50/room. Contact Rose Cottage, 3 Tram Lane, Buckley, CH7 3JB. 0244 543820. 7-9 Aug SCONE (Unicon 13), Clyde Halls, Glasgow. #12 reg. GoHs Iain Banks, Anne Page. Contact Glasgow U Union, 32 University Ave, Glasgow, G12 8LX. `Games in sf' theme. "Positively The Last Appearance Of Ken Lake" (he says). 3-7 Sep MAGICON, 50th Worldcon, Orlando, Florida. $110 reg to 15 July (more at door). Contact PO Box 621992, Orlando, FL 32862, USA. Featuring `The Walt Willis Enchanted Miniature Golf Course'. By coincidence the new UK human-rights campaign Death Watch, which urges tourist boycotting of US states with the death penalty, has taken as its first slogan: `Don't visit Florida -- the Sunshine State that kills.' 28-31 May 93 MEXICON V is `converging with 95% certainty' on a north-of-England hotel and has confirmed the very wonderful Pat Cadigan as a guest. #18 reg. Contact: 121 Cape Hill, Smethwick, Warley, W.Midlands, B66 4SH. "Rumblings" London's Cafe Munchen is closed for refurbishment June/July, disrupting countless launches and signings (e.g. "New Worlds 2", out 23 July: `Possibly the greatest anthology ever edited,' says David Garnett. Spies hint that `Warwick Colvin Jr', author of "NW2"'s `hard-science serial', might also write under a name not unadjacent to Michael Moorcock). ### OH NO, NOT AGAIN ... ### The time has come to list awards. Well may you shudder. NEBULAS. NOVEL Michael Swanwick, "Stations of the Tide". NOVELLA Nancy Kress, `Beggars in Spain'. NOVELETTE Mike Conner, `Guide Dog'. SHORT Alan Brennert, `Ma Qui'. PHILIP K.DICK AWARD: Ian McDonald, "King of Morning, Queen of Day" (best original paperback of 1991). HUGO NOMINATIONS. NOVEL Lois McMaster Bujold, "Barrayar"; Emma Bull, "Bone Dance"; Orson Scott Card, "Xenocide" (winner, Langford Award for Best "Deus Ex Machina"); Anne McCaffrey, "All the Weyrs of Pern"; Michael Swanwick, "Stations of the Tide"; Joan D.Vinge, "The Summer Queen". NOVELLA Nancy Kress, `And Wild For To Hold' and `Beggars in Spain'; Kristine Kathryn Rusch, `The Gallery of His Dreams'; Michael Swanwick, `Griffin's Egg'; Connie Willis, `Jack'. NOVELETTE Isaac Asimov, `Gold'; Pat Cadigan, `Dispatches from the Revolution'; Ted Chiang, `Understand'; Howard Waldrop, `Fin de Cycle'; Connie Willis, `Miracle'. SHORT Terry Bisson, `Press Ann'; John Kessel, `Buffalo', Geoffrey A.Landis, `A Walk in the Sun'; Mike Resnick, `One Perfect Morning, With Jackals' and `Winter Solstice'; Martha Soukup, `Dog's Life'; Connie Willis, `In the Late Cretaceous'. NON-FICTION Charles Addams, "The World of C.A."; Everett Bleiler, "Science Fiction: The Early Years"; Jack L.Chalker & Mark Owings, "The Science Fantasy Publishers"; Jeanne Gomoll et al, "The Bakery Men Don't See Cookbook"; Stephen Jones (ed), "Clive Barker's Shadows in Eden". ARTWORK Thomas Canty, cover, "White Mists of Power"; Bob Eggleton, c. "Lunar Descent" and "IASFM/Stations of the Tide"; Don Maitz, c. "Heavy Time"; Michael Whelan, c. "The Summer Queen". DRAMATIC "The Addams Family, Beauty and the Beast, The Rocketeer, Star Trek VI, Terminator 2". EDITOR Ellen Datlow, Gardner Dozois, Edward L.Ferman, Kristine Kathryn Rusch, Stanley Schmidt. ARTIST Thomas Canty, David Cherry, Bob Eggleton, Don Maitz, Michael Whelan. SEMIPROZINE "Interzone, Locus, New York Review of SF, Pulphouse, SF Chronicle". FANZINE "File 770, Fosfax, Lan's Lantern, Mimosa, Trapdoor". FAN WRITER Avedon Carol, Mike Glyer, Andrew Hooper, Dave Langford, Evelyn Leeper, Harry Warner Jr. FAN ARTIST Brad Foster, Diana Harlan Stein, Teddy Harvia, Peggy Ransom, Stu Shiffman. JOHN W. CAMPBELL AWARD (not a Hugo) Ted Chiang, Barbara Delaplace, Greer Ilene Gilman, Laura Resnick, Michelle Sagara. EUROCON AWARDS. AUTHOR the Strugatskys. PUBLISHER Heyne, Germany. MAGAZINE "Foundation". YOUNG AUTHOR (BRITISH) Ian McDonald. [FATW] ("Me:" `Does that "British" mean that "every" country's nominated young author gets an award?' "Bridget Wilkinson:" `It's still "very meaningful and important".') ### INFINITELY IMPROBABLE ### TEN YEARS AGO. `This is the first time I ever told anyone: I masturbated to Robert A.Heinlein!' said Maxim Jakubowski in "NME". `Not the least bit true,' exploded Carl Sagan, angrily clutching certain copies of "Ansible". And "Playboy"'s June playmate-of-the-month boasted that her favourite authors were Edgar Rice Burroughs, Marion Zimmer Bradley, Michael Moorcock, Tolkien and John Norman. ("Ansible 26", June 82). PEGASUS BUST: the sequel to this publisher's bankruptcy (see "A57.5") was `the astounding coincidence that the company offices were burgled within 24 hours of the Receiver stepping in. Curiously, the thieves removed 4 filing cabinets of confidential paperwork and a couple of inexpensive PCs, yet ignored the 10 or 12 rather more valuable Apple Macs scattered around the room. My, "how" puzzling.' [SG] NEXIALISM. Issue 2 of Paul Brazier's long-awaited sf magazine "Nexus" has appeared, to sounds of rejoicing; this month PB will announce deadlines for #3, "The Last Dangerous Nexus". Rush #2.95 to SF Nexus, PO Box 1123, Brighton, BN1 6EX. OOPS: a Tor Books press release explains that Gene Wolfe's "Storeys from the Old Hotel" (1st ed. Kerosina, UK; Tor reissue) did actually er "tie" with H.Ellison's "Angry Candy" for its vaunted World Fantasy Award, as was not mentioned in earlier publicity. Wonder who insisted on this announcement? [28 May] PROUD & LONELY THING DEPT. `The recent Trading Standards swoop on "video nasties" sounds less spectacular when you learn most of the teenage dealers were caught via the horror fanzine "Samhain", through their own classified ads or when they responded to a fake placed by the authorities. Meanwhile, Channel 4's screening of the US "Roseanne" has reached the stage where the younger daughter's introverted and anti- social behaviour is explained: she's "an sf fan". Hmmm.' [SG] C.O.A. "Arthur Hlavaty/Bernadette Bosky", 206 Valentine St, Yonkers, NY 10704, USA. "Jean Owen's Famous Spaniels That Howl Agonizingly At 3am", 45 Tilehurst Rd, Reading, RG1 7TT. HAZEL'S TRANSLATION LESSONS. `There is an old German proverb: "Every swine can give a plice of ham", or, speaking Russian, "take from a black sheer only one flock".' (Arkady & Boris Strugatsky, reported in "Fank: Special Volgacon Issue.") Ansible 59 (c) Dave Langford, 1994. Thanks to: BRUM GROUP NEWS, Fans Across the World, Steve Green, Martin Hoare (transport), David Redd, Nigel E.Richardson, SF CHRONICLE, and hero correspondents quoted in the text. 4/6/92 Posted by Dave Langford ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk ANSIBLE 60 JULY 1992 From DAVE LANGFORD, 94 London Road, Reading, Berkshire, RG1 5AU. Fax 0734 669914. ISSN 0265-9816. Available at random fan gatherings, by whim or for stamped addressed envelopes -- sorry, no paid subscriptions. [Disclaimer: Each issue of ANSIBLE is designed for exquisite DTP in multiple fonts. This text dump for CIX and Usenet looks awful. So it goes. DRL] ### PASSING FOR HUMAN ### "David V.Barrett" has been showing off the Hebrew edition of his "Digital Dreams" anthology. `Oy vey,' he attempted to say. "Edgar Rice Burroughs Inc." is suing "Vogue" magazine for using `trademark images' without leave, i.e. pictures of `Tarzan' with underdressed Janes. $1 million damages asked. Costume fans take note: your torsos and loincloths are not your own. [SFC] "Storm Constantine" married Mark Hewkin on 1 May (yes, Late News) and dismayed admirers by wearing white rather than the expected black leather bridal train, veil, etc. [M] `"Neil Gaiman" was an extremely agreeable guest at the not- thoroughly-organized HongCon [Adelaide, June], sallying briskly forth to retrieve other participants in panels that no one had told them they were on.... I noted that he made frequent wistful references to the possibility that missing people might be in the bar: a disadvantage of Oz cons from the British viewpoint (as forcefully presented by Peter Nicholls) is that the Victoria in Melbourne is practically the only convention hotel with proper access to a bar.' [YR] "Mike Glicksohn" announces his abdication: `I am unofficially retiring from my quarter-century position as Fandom's Second Best And Second Most Prolific Letterhack' ... to arrange Susan Manchester's red- tape-infested move from NY to Toronto in time for their wedding next July. Gosh, everybody's doing it. "John Grant" (Paul Barnett) is not a happy man: `Copies came in the other day of the new LONE WOLF masterwork, "The Birthplace". My beloved editor at Red Fox had omitted to send me the copy-edited manuscript but, on being shouted at, promised that I could clear up all the illiteracies at proof stage, which I did. In particular I corrected the copy-editor's consistent fucking up of the subjunctive: "as if he were" had been loathsomely changed to "as if he was" throughout. [...] Imagine the delight when I discovered that all these changes had been ignored.' "I am reminded of the Very Senior Editor who flattened Teresa Nielsen Hayden with the dictum: `Teresa, the subjunctive NO LONGER EXISTS IN THE AMERICAN LANGUAGE.'" "R.A.Lafferty:" up-to-date checklist by Dan Knight now out from Drumm, PO Box 445, Polk City, IA 50226, USA. $3.50. "Jerry Pournelle" stimulated much comment in June ... `Bad sight of the month was Jerry Pournelle making an appearance on the BBC's otherwise excellent science series "Pandora's Box". Pournelle, apparently drunk, ranted loudly on about how he and Larry Niven had been called in by Reagan and had all by themselves not only dreamed up S.D.I. "["Star Wars"]" but written Reagan's speech too. He made it sound as if Reagan's cabinet, the State Department, the whole of RAND and the Lawrence Livermore Laboratory staff had all spent the evening in Niven's living room, being set straight by these fast-lane thinkers. Mad with power fantasies, Pournelle bibulously went on to claim that he and Niven had thus caused the collapse of the Soviet Union. The camera cut to him breathing boozily over a spittle-flecked computer game, where he zapped what might have been incoming communist missiles. "We licked the evil empire," he belched, cackling and clutching his joystick with renewed vigour. Larry, sitting at the great man's feet, stared mistily into the distance.' [CP] "Strangely, Larry Niven neither moved nor spoke throughout this entire performance, leading some to conjecture that he was a life-size photograph." "David Pringle" reports on "Interzone:" `We've taken about 370 new subs so far as a result of those fliers in "New Scientist" etc.' "D.West" wants your money now for "Deliverance", a 220pp A4 compendium of his fanzine articles and artwork from 1986 to 1992, scheduled for Sept. #6.50 or $15 (#8.50/$20 from 1 Oct) to 17 Carlisle St, Keighley, W.Yorks, BD21 4PX. `DO NOT DELAY. The West policy of Reverse Remaindering means that the price always goes up and "never" comes down. (I know the books will sell, so being kept hanging about for the cash merely makes me more vicious.)' "Ansible"'s easily bribed reviewer writes: `Titanic in concept, awesome in scope, tattily duplicated in execution, this work is vital to any D.West completist. Has something to offend everyone. The 30pp of cartoons are hilarious and brilliant except for the one of me. Buy it!' "David Wingrove" and "Susan Oudot", not people to be rushed into precipitate acts, are finally marrying on 11 July. [DG] ### CONGEON ### 4 Jul ARMAGEDDON FIREWORKS, Hardwick House, Whitchurch on Thames (near Pangbourne). 8pm, universal holocaust 10-10:30 onward. #3.50. Beer tent. Contact 0734 588570. 15 Jul BSFA, Victoria & Albert pub, Marylebone BR station. "Wednesday", not Thursday. (A.Frost: `WHY DIDN'T YOU BLOODY TELL ME?' Me: `"Ansible 59" did say "Wed" as well as the date.' AJF: `You should KNOW I have trouble with dates....') Sue Thomas of "Correspondence" fame is expected as speaker. 18-20 Jul CONTAGION, Central Hotel, Glasgow. Trek con. #30 reg. Contact PO Box 867, Rutherglen, Glasgow, G73 4HR. 18-26 Jul MINEHEAD SPACE AGE FESTIVAL, Town Hall, The Parade, Minehead. Arthur C.Clarke (birthday boy, around all week), Patrick Moore and John Brunner (18th only), Terry Pratchett (25th), etc etc. Contact 082 343 2001. 25-26 Jul HASTICON, Library, Claremont, Hastings. GoH David Gemmell (also Steve Sneyd and with luck Colin Greenland). #2.50/day (10am-6pm) to Hastings Arts, 53b All Saints St, Hastings, TN34 3BN. 0424 420634. Limited numbers (60). 1 Aug CLWYDCON, `SF poetry theme', Celyn Horticultural Coll., Northop, Clwyd. #6 reg, #13.50/room. Contact Rose Cottage, 3 Tram Lane, Buckley, CH7 3JB. 0244 543820. 7-9 Aug SCONE (Unicon 13), Clyde Halls, Glasgow. #14 reg. GoHs Iain Banks, Anne Page. Contact 80 Otago St, Glasgow, G12 8AP. `Fun and games in sf' theme. 21-25 Aug PORTMEIRICON, `Prisoner' society con, Portmeirion, Gwynedd. Outdoor events open to all, indoor ones Members Only (I assume anyone can join). Contact Six of One, PO Box 60, Harrogate. 3-7 Sep MAGICON, 50th Worldcon, Orlando, Florida. #68 reg to 15 Jul ... but the Hugo ballot can be sent in with #68 full or #19 non- attending membership up to 31 Jul, while the site selection ballot says #70 full membership, and although there's a UK agent (Peter Weston) the Euro-address for ballots is Kees van Toorn's in Holland (the US address also differs from Magicon's main one), so watch it. Ballots available from "Ansible" for those wishing to expend #19 to save me from the hubris of a Hugo and/or (for a "further" #12 voting fee) Glasgow from the horror of the 1995 Worldcon. Non-ballot address still PO Box 621992, Orlando, FL 32862-1992, USA. 5 Sep REMINISCON 40 celebrates Lionel Fanthorpe's 40th anniversary as a published author, writer, litterateur, penny-a-liner, prosaist, scribbler, novelist, pen-pusher, hack, man of letters, fictioneer and thesaurus master. Chapter Arts Centre, Cardiff, 9:30-5:30, #10 reg. With Brian Aldiss, Guy N.Smith, Brian Stableford, and many threatened readings from Lionel's complete works -- not to mention his voluminous "oeuvre", his substantial achievement and the stupefying totality of what he wrote. Contact 48 Claude Rd, Cardiff, CF2 3QA. 13-20 Sep MILFORD SF WRITERS' CONFERENCE, Margate. Exhausting workshop for published authors, by invitation only, but you can ask: 37 Beane Ave, Stevenage, Herts, SG2 7DL. 28-31 May 93 MEXICON V, now happily relocated to Hotel St Nicholas, Scarborough. #18 reg. Rooms #33/person/night sngl, #29.50 dbl/ twin. Contact: 121 Cape Hill, Smethwick, Warley, W.Midlands, B66 4SH. "Rumblings" "New Worlds 2" publication has been deferred to 6 Aug, and editor David Garnett still hopes for a party. AUSTRALIA IN 1999 is a `last chance this millennium' Worldcon bid: 43 Chapman Pde, Faulconbridge, NSW 2776. Boston is definitely confirmed as bidding for the 1998 Worldcon. ### INFINITELY IMPROBABLE ### TEN YEARS AGO. Tanith Lee explained in a con speech how she'd caused several Israeli wars, an Italian earthquake and the invasion of the Falklands; Brian Aldiss was clobbered by nemesis when his "Telegraph" `mini-saga' competition brought in 33,000 entries for him to judge; Lionel Fanthorpe scored a media first by arm-wrestling on Radio 4. ("Ansible 27", Jul 82). BESTSELLERS became hot news in June, with "The Observer" revealing that of the current hardback list only Terry Pratchett's "Small Gods" (#1) had cleared over 1,000 copies that week ... actually about 4,000. Further downmarket, Robert Rankin's editor passed a query to "The Bookseller:" `When I told him that the book at no.70 in last week's "Sunday Times"/Bookwatch bestseller list had a total sale of 0 copies, he wanted to know why his book "[They Came and Ate Us]" isn't in at no.70 as well, since it has sold 0 copies in a far more distinguished and entertaining manner.' But Terry P's influence now transcends mere sordid commerciality: a recent St-Martin-in-the-Fields memorial service for one Francis Tibbalds featured readings from those sacred texts "Mort" and "Reaper Man". [JH] "FAR POINT" magazine has been returning MSS unread, since editor Charlie Rigby's employers have sent him overseas for several months. Massive inactivity will prevail until Dec. FOUL LIBEL: "Matrix 100" calls "Ansible" `ascerbic'. Never! SF FOUNDATION RESCUE ... the grandson of the hallowed S.Fowler Wright has offered a semi-detached house south of London in which to store the fabled library. Adoption by some non-skint academic institution is an alternative possibility, and the University of Liverpool is said to be `interested'. More news expected from SFF AGM, happening as we go to press.... UNATTRIBUTABLE GOSSIP: `After being booted out of his local Neighbourhood Forum (or Council or some such busybody group), the Fake Bob Shaw is reported as having been rejected by all the local Trekkies. Maybe someone should suggest the Young Conservatives. Or a leper colony. [] It is also said that Joy Hibbert, having come under the influence of some Paganist, has decided her psyche is all screwed up by residual Christian conditioning and that D.Rowley and H.Bond are having to fund an extensive course of de-programming.' [Anon] "THE FANTASTIC MUSE" must be Arthur C.Clarke's most obscure title -- a 1938 fanzine essay on sf poetry plus a 1939 poem (the latter fairly awful to my untutored eye, but what do I know?). New chapbook, 12pp with covers: #1 from Hilltop Press, 4 Nowell Place, Almondbury, W.Yorks, HD5 8PB. [SS] AWARDS. "Ditmars" (Australia): LONG FICTION Terry Dowling, "Wormwood"; SHORT Sean McMullen, `Alone in his Chariot'; FANZINE "Eidolon"; FAN ARTIST Nick Stathopoulos; FAN WRITER Bruce Gillespie; ATHELING AWARD (sf criticism), Sean McMullen, `Going Commercial and Becoming Professional'. [BG] "James Tait Black Memorial Prize" (fiction): Iain Sinclair, "Downriver". "Bradbury Award" (best script): "Terminator II" -- this being the non-Nebula award inaugurated by President Ben Bova against the wishes of SFFWA members, who did not get to vote on it. [SFC] Which for no good reason reminded an "Ansible" mole of how years ago editor Bova was allegedly overheard phoning the Vatican, trying in vain to have the Pope do an interview: `I don't think you realize who you're "talking" to ... this is "OMNI MAGAZINE!!"' ONE MILLION PESETAS (`circa $10,000') is offered by the University of Catalonia for the best unpublished sf novella (defined as 75-100pp double-spaced with 30 lines/page, 70 characters/line) in Catalan, Spanish, English or French. Closes 10 Sept. The rules are labyrinthine; enquire if interested. `REDS IN SPACE' alias `Fans in Opposition' is an APA for glum non- Tories. Contact 106 Jarden, Letchworth, Herts, SG6 2NZ. MIDNIGHT ROSE: despite the startlingly high midlist sales reported last issue, spies say that Geraldine Cooke of Penguin is getting cold feet about carrying on with these shared-world collections. (Hence rumours of other publishers being hastily chatted up by the MR collective.) One titanically famous author remarked, unattributably, `I met Geraldine Cooke at a signing and was reminded of a large, placid carp swimming in the sunlight, in a piranha pool.' Pardon? HAZEL'S LANGUAGE LESSONS: SPANISH. "anaranjeur", to kill a cock by throwing oranges at it. [SS. `A likely story' -- Hazel.] DOWN UNDER FAN FUND: Roger Weddall apparently won the 1992 race by 85 votes to Greg Hills's 29, and will represent Australia at Magicon (as part of six months' American travel, lucky sod). `Apparently'? Voting was strangely chaotic, with one lot of 21 Aussie ballots going astray until after results were announced (admittedly too few to alter the outcome), and further voters complaining that their names "still" don't appear on the revised list. [JF] Should we send intrepid fan-fund investigator Ahrvid Engholm to sort things tactfully out? `Only if Australia agrees to keep him,' said 5,271,009 Swedes. C.O.A. "Harry Bell/Margaret Wombwell", 14 Grantham Drive, Low Fell, Gateshead, Tyne & Wear, NE9 6HQ (they're marrying on 1 August). "Spike Parsons", PO Box 20132, Castro Valley, CA 94526, USA. "Nigel Rowe", 5a Moulins Rd, Victoria Park, E9 7EL. "Taral" (CORRECTION -- he forgot the apartment number for "A58"), 245 Dunn Ave "#2111", Toronto, Ontario, M6K 1S6, Canada. ### SOME ARE MORE EQUAL ... ### The SOCIETY OF AUTHORS has repeated its 1988 poll of writers' opinions on their publishers. Top of the popularity league are SINCLAIR-STEVENSON (`A new outfit,' I hear other publishers muttering, `they'll soon learn to be bastards like the rest of us.') and WALKER; rock-bottom are VIRGIN at #69 (`Terrible') and THE WOMEN'S PRESS at #70. For sf/fantasy, the clear favourite is Headline at #3: `despite one very unhappy author ... consistently splendid.' Others: #8 TRANSWORLD, `a major improvement on 1988'; #12 PAN, ditto; #=14 GOLLANCZ, `some authors very unhappy since takeover'; #=21 VIKING PENGUIN, `the best result for a large company'; #=28 RANDOM CENTURY, `given the takeover problems and the size of the organization, the marks are better than feared'; #=34 METHUEN, `results from the adult list quite a bit better than those for children's books' -- no surprise if you've heard their children's authors talk; #=37 HODDER; #40 HARPERCOLLINS, same remark as Random; #=43 SPHERE; #48 MACDONALD, `few satisfied authors'; #55 SIMON & SCHUSTER. Comments naughtily excerpted from the report in "The Author", Summer 92. A glum statistic: of the 50 most prominent publishers, 22 had results adversely affected by `impact of takeover'. The most vehement complaints were of `horrifyingly insensitive and ignorant editorial work, especially from young editors, many of whom seem, alas, to have caught the American editorial disease (the main symptom being the belief that the more you alter, especially unnecessarily, the more efficient you are)'. Ansible 60 (c) Dave Langford, 1994. Thanks to: John Foyster, David Garnett, Bruce Gillespie, Jenny & Steve Glover, Judith Hanna, Martin Hoare, MATRIX, Chris Priest, Yvonne Rousseau, SF CHRONICLE, Steve Sneyd, Charles Stross, D.West. 2/7/92 Posted by Dave Langford ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk ANSIBLE 61 AUGUST 1992 From DAVE LANGFORD, 94 London Road, Reading, Berkshire, RG1 5AU. Fax 0734 669914. ISSN 0265-9816. "Ansible" supports Abigail Frost for TAFF if she gets round to making her bloody mind up. And GLASGOW IN 1995. [Disclaimer: Each issue of ANSIBLE is designed for exquisite DTP in multiple fonts. This text dump for CIX and Usenet looks awful. So it goes. DRL] ### RULERS OF THE SEVAGRAM ### "Pat Cadigan" won this year's A.C.Clarke award for her "Synners". "Mike `Resistance is useless!' Cule" regaled "Ansible" with the latest step in his acting career -- his first nude scene, for a movie too awful (he says) to be named here. `It was "extremely difficult" keeping my willy out of sight. Apparently one glimpse of my willy in a cinema would cause the downfall of Western civilization.' After this (as it were) climax Mike gets suffocated in a plastic bag, albeit with disappointingly few death throes. "The Reverend Lionel Fanthorpe", B.A. (Hons), F.C.P., F.B.I.M., Cert Ed., Member of the Welsh Academy, Member of Mensa, Managerial, Editorial and Educational Consultant, Radio and Television Broadcaster, Author and Lecturer ... has an awe-inspiring letterhead. He sends copious artwork from a project, perhaps autobiographical, featuring a giant bearded fighting missionary frog called the Rev Dr Hugh John Green (geddit?). "William Gibson's" poem "Agrippa (A Book of the Dead)" -- the one on disk that wipes itself as you display it -- is reviewed at length in the accompanying "Ansible Dumb Ideas Supplement", which goes one better by self-destructing before you read it. "Steve Green" did vast research on Katherine Kurtz, only to realize at the last minute that he was interviewing Katherine "Kerr"; her publishers say he `did quite well considering'. [MS] "Dean R.Koontz" was plagiarized in two recent horror novels by `Pauline Dunn', a two-sister team who had to return their advances to Zebra Books (USA). The books were pulped. [SFC] "John Major", answering a Question on 14 July, welcomed Arthur C.Clarke's 75th-birthday visit to Parliament and said, `We shall continue to take initiatives ... in pursuit of space "[i.e. outer space]" priorities.' We? Continue? [JN/Hansard] ("Aged Tory MP:" `Is my right hon. Friend aware that the man Clarke intends to publish a rude "Playboy" piece on sex in space, titled "Nasa-sutra"?') "Joseph Nicholas" clarifies: `Jerry Pournelle's appearance on "Pandora's Box" was not quite as awful as Chris Priest says ... if he was drunk, it wasn't with alcohol but with crazed triumphalism at US "victory" in the Cold War. Nor was his idiotic claim that SDI helped bring down the "Evil Empire" allowed to go unchallenged; the narrative voice-over immediately countered that while there were many explanations for the collapse, SDI was not "normally" (great understatement! -- and a put-down that only a Briton would spot) advanced as one of them. Various other things intervened before the clip of Pournelle playing a video game -- a clip that anyone less egomaniac would have realized would be used to embarrass him.' [10 Jul] "Terry Pratchett" writes in "SFC": `The "Mort" film hit a stumbling block when an American film company said in effect, "we like it, but Middle American consumer research says to lose the DEATH angle, please"....' [SFC July/Aug] "Chris Priest" was at HASTICON: `The high (=low) spot was a talk on fractals by one of George Hay's mad scientist friends. He looked like Robert Maxwell; he was as daft as a brush; he made George sound lucid and sane. My first thought was that it was some kind of cabaret act. He wittered and twittered, repeating himself in a surreal way that reminded me of one of Ken Campbell's monologues, then played a tape he had recorded while "walking to the convention". Street noises, and tuneless singing, and post-modern stuff like "I am going to a science fiction convention, and I am walking down the street!" etc. He continued to talk over this, frequently repeating what was on the tape. Then he laced up a film projector, and on the pre-recorded tape began making the noises that were to act as the soundtrack of the film: street noises continuing (and doubtless under the stare of bemused passers-by), he began imitating the sound of fireworks going off. The film was a home movie of fireworks (almost invisible because of background light in the room). The soundtrack went: ""[Traffic sounds]" pip pop pop poppety pip pop whoosh whoosh bang pip pop bang whoosh." And, er, so on for about ten minutes. After a bit I started laughing and could not control it; soon Paul Kincaid and Kim Newman were similarly convulsed. George frowned at us from the podium, which of course made it much worse. Etc.' [31 Jul] "Others called Charles Stross `unlikely hero of the hour' for explaining what Mr Fractal was trying to say." [MS] "Maureen Speller" is reviewing sf magazines (and begs info on any obscure ones -- 60 Bournemouth Rd, Folkestone, Kent, CT19 5AZ): `The major editorial proviso is "Thou shalt not jump up and down gratuitously on "Interzone"" ... "Imagination" has already passed across my desk and seemingly into oblivion: the fiction was variable, the proofing and copyediting apparently done by someone whose native language wasn't English, and the book reviews overly personal in content, but they did some very good overview-style articles. I fear they have been hit by financial problems, either that or the fell curse of Wingrove (this debate lurched on in the final issue I saw).' "Brian Stableford" testifies: `Savoy's appeal against the seizure of and destruction order on novel "Lord Horror" and comic book "Meng & Ecker #1" began on 30 July before Lord Justice Gerard Humphries and two magistrates. The judge initially seemed hostile but mellowed after lunch and entered fervently into cut and thrust with Geoffrey Robertson QC (for M.Butterworth and Savoy). Three experts gave evidence: M.Moorcock, yrs truly and Guy Cumberbatch (psychologist who investigates media effects for Home Office). All declared "LH" and "M&E#1" innocent of any potential to deprave and corrupt, and argued forcibly that those who labelled "LH" "anti-semitic" while talking to the press had completely mistaken the rhetoric of the fiction.... The opposition made no attempt to defend the seizure order on "LH" and in fact never mentioned the book at all but concentrated on the comic, which they evidently thought an easier target. GR's eloquent defence of the book thus went somewhat to waste. The witnesses did not waver when cross-examined on the comic (at one point a copy of "Viz" was produced to demonstrate that "M&E#1" was no worse!) but the judge and magistrates took not a blind bit of notice and found the comic was obscene although the book wasn't. There may well be a further appeal on behalf of "M&E".' [3 Aug] "Bruce Sterling" tried fandom's fast lane: `I spent a long week on "The GEnie Network" one afternoon ... The "SFWA Forum" is, by contrast, a crackling and pithy good read! :-)' [13 Jul] "Ian Watson" writes: `I must not brag about my probably impending coup of trading a story collection to Lithuania in exchange for amber beads. I mustn't, since a stall holder in Northampton market informed me that the market has really dropped out of amber beads and lapis lazuli since the Iron Curtain came down.... Recent global events have thankfully allowed "The Fire Worm" to appear in Poland. Thus now I have the words of "The Lambton Worm" in Polish, ideal for challenging people to sing in pubs. All together, now ("Whisht, lads, haad yor gobs/An' Aa'll tell ye aall an aaful story...."): "Hej! zuchy, nadstawcie uszu/Straszna historie opowiem...."' ### CONEPATL ### 7 Aug BRITISH FANTASY SOCIETY open night, Royal Connaught pub, High Holborn. 15 Aug SIGNING: "New Worlds 2" and "In Dreams" anthologies at the renamed (but to what?) Cafe Munchen, circa 1pm. 19 Aug BSFA, V&A pub, Marylebone station. No speaker? 21-25 Aug PORTMEIRICON, `Prisoner' con, Portmeirion, Gwynedd. Outdoor events free for all, indoor ones Members Only (all can join). Contact Six of One, PO Box 60, Harrogate. 3-7 Sep MAGICON, 50th Worldcon, Orlando, Florida. PO Box 621992, Orlando, FL 32862-1992, USA. $??? at the door. 5 Sep You thrilled to "Force 97X", you reeled at "Galaxy 666" ... now REMINISCON 40 marks Lionel Fanthorpe's 40th anniversary as an author. Chapter Arts Centre, Cardiff, 9:30-5:30pm, #10 reg. With Brian Aldiss, Guy N.Smith, Brian Stableford. Contact 48 Claude Rd, Cardiff, CF2 3QA. 0222 498368. "LF has kindly donated a membership for TAFF auction: bids to Pam Wells's Answering Machine on 081 889 0401 by 25 August." 2-4 Oct FANTASYCON XVII, Midland Hotel, New Street, Birmingham. #20 reg, `likely to rise soon'. GoH Lisa Tuttle. Contact 15 Stanley Rd, Morden, Surrey, SM4 5DE. 9-11 Oct FESTIVAL OF FANTASTIC FILMS, Charterhouse Hotel, Manchester. #30 reg, fantastic popcorn extra. Contact 95 Meadowgate Rd, Salford, Manchester, M6 8EB. [BGN] 24 Oct DANGERCON, "Dangermouse" con (!), Croydon, 11am-11pm. #3.50 reg. Contact 37 Keens Rd, Croydon, CR0 1AH. 6-8 Nov NOVACON 22, Royal Angus Hotel, Birmingham. Now #20 reg (#25 from 6 Oct). GoH Storm Constantine. Contact 121 Cape Hill, Smethwick, Warley, W.Midlands, B66 4SH. 7-8 Nov ARMADACON 4, Astor Hotel, The Hoe, Plymouth. #20 reg + 3 SAEs (or #10/day). GoH: various, all `subject to negotiations/work commitments' (Jon Pertwee was advertised on this basis but has cancelled). Contact 4 Gleneagle Ave, Mannamead, Plymouth, PL3 5HL. Armadacon `tries' not to clash with Novacon, but was allegedly told the wrong 1991 date and this year `tried again to find their date ... but there was no response.' 27-9 Nov HILLCON III, 18th Beneluxcon, Atlanta Hotel, Rotterdam. f52.50 reg (f65 from 4 Oct). GoHs Tanith Lee, Terry Pratchett, Peter Schaap, Tad Williams. Eurocheques to Hillcon III, Bijltjespad 52 II, 1018 KJ Amsterdam, Netherlands. 8-12 Apr 93 HELICON, 44th Eastercon (+Eurocon); Hotel de France, Jersey. #22 reg. Contact 63 Drake Rd, Chessington, Surrey, KT9 1LQ. Plans to enact Nigel Kneale's "The Stone Tape" were dropped when NK said `No', preferring the TV version to remain unrivalled by scummy fan productions. (`Know any other really good obscure sf plays we could do?' -- M.Hoare.) 13-14 Nov 93 ARMADACON 5 as above. Novacon please note! 1-4 Apr 94 SOU'WESTER, 45th Eastercon, is on the move. The Grand Hotel in Bristol continued to be `obdurate about money', and after pondering the Norbreck Castle in Blackpool (1992 Illumination site: seems the Illumination lot were fearfully upset by this, since "they're" thinking of a second Blackpool Eastercon bid), Sou'Westish is now finalizing things with the Adelphi Hotel in Liverpool. `Cornwall must now be deemed to be on the Mersey. You heard it first in "Ansible"!' said our Mid'Wester mole [CB]. #20 reg to 3 West Shrubbery, Redland, Bristol, BS6 6SZ. Nor'Wester doesn't wish to call its members `attendees', and wonders if a better term could be suggested by "Ansible"'s etymologically gifted readers (or readees). "Rumblings" The first MEXICON, say revisionist historians, was "not" in Newcastle but in Mexico (1975), organized by the Sociedad de Ficcion Ciencia de Guadalajara. So there. [RH] ### INFINITELY IMPROBABLE ### CURSE OF "ANSIBLE": Dick Jude of "Forbidden Planet", appalled by "A59" coverage of how Leo Stableford's copy of "The Eye of the World" was confiscated by a zealous "FP" security thug, has sent Leo an apology plus copies of the book and its sequel. [BS] SF ENCYCLOPAEDIA. Little, Brown have now decided that the new edition will contain no pictures. `The idea is to go for a sort of super- sophisticated Oxford University Press look, and I think it's right.' [PB] Also presumably cheaper. What of the final delivery deadline on 15 July? What, indeed.... ARTHUR C.CLARKE REVEALED AS PSEUDONYM: "Private Eye" notes that Moscow University's school of journalism library, once named for Karl Marx, has been hideously renamed after L.Ron Hubbard -- and adds that Russia now awaits `a million-strong edition of one of Hubbard's turgid and posthumous novels, "Imperial Earth".' Answers on a postcard, but not to me. CLUBMEN: Iain Banks ("The Crow Road") and Geoff Ryman ("Was...") are Sept choices of `The Softback Preview' book club. STAR REJECTION LETTER: `We are now buying only lead titles.' "PULPHAUS" "(The Only SF Magazine)" is a US jape with columns by Awesome Scott Card and Algae Buttress (`I'm not going to review the latest volume of "Mary Baker Eddy Presents the Burnt-out Hacks of the Future", since I am intimately involved with it, to the tune of many thousands of dollars. Rather, I am simply going to announce its publication, and allow you to visit your local Christian Science Reading Room to pick up a free copy'), ads for items like "The Annotated Last Dangerous Visions Letters" (`follow the generations-long disputes; despair as editors, readers and writers' families beg for a look at stories they have only heard about through rumor!'), etc. [DG] FROM THE CRYPT: `Four GW Books authors have been summoned to a 6 Aug meeting to discuss with an as-yet-unnamed publisher the possibility of resurrecting the GW line.' [BS] TAFF: fun-loving Michael Ashley confirms that he's standing partly because Harry Bond and/or Kev McVeg might -- `Can't stand the thought of either of those two winning, even if it means having to go myself.' Word is awaited from Ashley Watkins and Undecided of Bethnal Green (`if you nominate anyone else, Langford, I will "scratch your eyes out"'). MAGAZINES. "Fantasy Tales 8" (`Spring 92') is apparently still on hold while better distribution schemes are examined. [BGN] "Nexus 3" will appear `Octoberish ... might extend to Xmas'. [PB] "New Moon" is in eclipse because editor Trevor Jones is ill. [MS] "Cleveland Ansible" of Ohio is in no way related.... OOPS "(A59)": "John Brunner's" `less than $300 royalties' from Del Rey wasn't for all 1991 as he'd thought, merely for its second half. "Storm Constantine's" wedding dress was misreported -- `Dark green,' sniffed fashion buff Maureen Speller. I fearlessly blamed the `white' report in "Matrix", but: `This excuse will not do. Any reporter would think twice before using the genre's equivalent of the "Sun" as his source. Suitable punishment, we feel, is that you purchase all hardback copies of the CHUNG KUO series and not only read them but "memorize" them.' [SCIS] C.O.A. "Neil Gaiman:" somewhere, we hear, in Minneapolis. "New England SF Association", PO Box 809, Framingham, MA 01701-0203, USA. "Paperback Inferno (BSFA):" new editor Stephen Payne, 24 Malvern Rd, Stoneygate, Leicester, LE2 2BH. "SF Foundation:" soon c/o Liverpool University, probably ... despite an interesting late report that many Polytechnic (now University) of East London people didn't know the SFF was being axed, and rather expected to carry on using its resources for teaching. "Sou'Westoid:" see cons. A conrunner comments: `Oh God, we're going back to Thieves' Paradise again.' GOSH: Nigel E.Richardson made his first (computer) magazine sale! HUBBARDRY: `Wordstar forms tie with cash-rich Elron'. "(PC Dealer)" MORE HASTICON: `"Famous Author:" Any idea what's happening? "Me:" All George sent me was a menu from the pub. "FA:" Menu -- let them eat Hay! Chris Evans, urgently summoned to replace Colin Greenland, found his talk wasn't scheduled (and no space was made for it). In years to come grizzled survivors will gather their grandchildren round their knees and proclaim, "I was there to hear Mr Fractal!" He was also scheduled to talk on "Underwater Cities"; I know of no one brave enough to stay and hear him go "Glug glug glug".' [PK] [] Ansible 61 (c) Dave Langford, 1992. Thanks to: Paul Barnett, Chris Bell, Paul Brazier, Brum Group News, Abigail Frost, David Garnett, Rob Hansen, Paul Kincaid, Joseph Nicholas, SF Chronicle, Maureen Speller, Brian Stableford, Storm Constantine Information Service. Ear and its caption from Vaught's Practical Character Reader, 1902. 6/8/92 Posted by Dave Langford ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk ANSIBLE 62 SEPTEMBER 1992 From DAVE LANGFORD, 94 London Road, Reading, Berkshire, RG1 5AU. Fax 0734 669914. ISSN 0265-9816. "Ansible" supports thingummy for TAFF if she ever makes her bloody mind up. [Disclaimer: Each issue of ANSIBLE is designed for exquisite DTP in multiple fonts. This text dump for CIX and Usenet looks awful. So it goes. DRL] R.I.P. 1987-1992: August's London sf meeting took place amid a hell of builders' partitions constricting the pub to half size, terrific behind- the-scenes hammering and a stench as of a glue-sniffers' convention, as the Wellington began its loathsome transmogrification into an `upmarket wine bar'. (Will the far from upmarket staff be sand-blasted and refurbished in keeping with this policy?) The juke-box having failed to shift us, this was the Final Solution. A partly democratic straw poll opted for a move to the Great Eastern Hotel's `Hamilton Hall' bar in the new Liverpool St Station, at least for now.... `Oh God, it's a "yuppie bar",' reports one ashen-faced explorer [EC]. ### THE BRAINS OF EARTH ### NEIL GAIMAN's recent trip Down Under shed light on feminism at Aussie cons: `In the panel on Genre Blurring, with Sean McMullen, NG and Helen Reilly, Neil eventually turned to Helen and said: "You haven't said anything yet" -- whereupon, as Helen opened her mouth to begin, there was a shout from the audience of "That's because she's the token female on the panel!" -- and Neil said something along the lines of Oh-I-didn't- realize-I-thought-you-might-have-wanted-to-speak, and turned back to Sean -- and so the panel continued....' [YR] GEORGE HAY reports: `Hasticon was surprisingly successful. The "Necronomicon" reprint "[from Skoob Books]" should be available Oct/Nov, the sequel fairly early in spring. I pray this is not just another triumph of hope over experience.' PATRICK NIELSEN HAYDEN (with Mike Resnick) has lately been assembling "Alternate Skiffy", `a mind-bending collection of tales that ask "what if" H.P.Lovecraft had inherited the editorship of "Astounding"? ... "What if" the 1940s owners of "Amazing", casting about for a desperate fan in the Midwest to fob the editorship on to, had settled not on Ray Palmer but on Claude Degler?' ... and other sense-shattering hypotheses. [PNH] DON HERRON is once again editing Philip K.Dick's Letters: six volumes in all, with wistful hopes for a corrected reprint of #1, and #2 for 1975-6 `due by Nov or so' from Underwood-Miller. FRITZ LEIBER, alas, had another stroke in mid-August and remains in hospital; `looks unlikely that he will be able to return home' [JB]. He is 81 and remarried earlier this summer. DUNCAN LUNAN keeps smiling: `The "Glasgow Herald" cancelled this year's sf competition, so threatening my writing class at the University; so I've been forced back into unemployment.' SIMON OUNSLEY, now mostly recovered from ME after his course of `spiritual healing', reports: `When I ventured to the Leeds group the other night, D.West immediately fixed me with his evil eye and announced his intention to denounce me and all my mystic claptrap in his forthcoming "Daisnaid". ""Daisnaid"?" I cried in astonishment: "but what about the second collected works "[Deliverance]" for which all fandom waits with bated breath?" "It's going to be late," West replied without so much as the blink of an eye. ... My favourite LoC so far "[on the mystic bits]" is from Joseph Nicholas. It reads as follows: "Dear Simon. Jesus Christ Almighty. Yours, Joseph." That must be the shortest letter Joseph has ever sent to anyone.' TERRY PRATCHETT `went to Arthur's "[Clarke's] "Week at Minehead, which had a sort of weird atmosphere. I don't think they knew what it was they were trying to do. Thank heavens for Sarah Broadhurst of "The Bookseller", who lives down there; she'd managed to put across the novel idea that if they were inviting a number of authors it might be a good idea to have some of their books around.... What spoiled it for me was the arrogant film crew commissioned to do a "commemorative video". They flourished an outrageous disclaimer form (the phrase "anywhere in the universe" was included) which I "had" to fill in. I'm afraid I fell prey to the sin of evil satisfaction when they got in a snit and took down all their lights and left after I refused to sign. We were able to get six more people into the library, though.' "TP on Sou'Wester's move:" `Har har, I was right about Bristol after all. Ah, the good old Adelphi, jewel of the South-West. I was at a con there Some Years Ago (within the last five). The guests, who included at least one far bigger name than me, were allowed to charge stuff to their rooms; in order to get this amazing privilege, the con committee had to front #400 for each guest. I had a nice time, left on the Monday and got a panicky call on the Tuesday from one of the organizers. Did the hotel give me any money when I checked out? No, I said. They say they did, she said, and they say they've got a signed receipt. And they say two other guests got given their balances, too. Overflowing with embarrassment, she explained: They'd collected the balance of the deposits from the management after the con. Then an irate manager phoned them and said, "No! A receptionist got it wrong! She thought the balance of the deposits belonged to the guests, and she gave it to them in cash! And we've got receipts to prove it! So the money we gave you was not yours, and we want it back right now!" In short, the Adelphi were saying we'd walked off with money -- about #270 in my case -- belonging to a group of fans. I'm pleased to say I was able to sort this out by means of a phone call and a very carefully worded fax, indicating that while I did not have the con's money I "did" have a solicitor with no sense of humour. And suddenly ... well, well, it turned out that the money hadn't been handed to us after all, and those "signed receipts" evaporated. Good old Adelphi, always helpful....' JANE YOLEN left our shores on 1 Sept (but Will Return): `I go home to GEnie and the flaming debates where once Jerry Pournelle threatened to horsewhip one young man who said something slightly bad about me on line, even though it was Pournelle who -- in another time and place -- had called me "that feminist bitch". ("that" being the only correct part of the appellation.) See what I have missed?' ### CONICOPOLY ### First Thursday of month NOMADIC LONDON MEETING as above. 11-13 Sep CONTRAPTION, games con, U of East Anglia. #18 reg. Contact 4 Haddon Close, New Malden, Surrey, KT3 6DP. 21 Sep BSFA with Kim Stanley Robinson, Victoria and Albert pub, Marylebone BR Station. 6:30pm for 7:30. "NB one-off shift from `3rd Wed' norm to accommodate KSR." 2-4 Oct CONTANIMET (anime), New Cobden Hotel, Brum. #16 reg, #20 at door. 20 Field Ridge, Shaw, Newbury, Berks. 2-4 Oct MIDCON (Trek), Holiday Inn, Leicester. #35 reg. Contact 8 Ennerdale Close, Oadby, Leicester, LE2 4TN. 9-12 Oct IFT CON (Trek), Holiday Inn, Leicester. Contact 129 Westfield Rd, Wellingborough, Northants, NN8 3HN. 16-18 Oct OCTOCON 92, Irish national event, Royal Marine Hotel, Dun Laoghaire, Ireland. #13 reg. GoH Orson Scott Card (Scourge of the Sodomites) and others. Contact 30 Beverly Downs, Knocklyon Rd, Templeogue, Dublin 16. 30 Oct-1 Nov CONCERT, King's Manor Hotel, Edinburgh. #20 reg. Contact 97 Harrison Rd, Edinburgh, EH11 1LT. 6-8 Nov NOVACON 22: for writers' workshop contact Sally-Ann Melia, 11 Spinney Dr, Cheswick Green, Solihull, B90 4HB. 13-15 Nov T'KON (Trek -- they're insatiable!), Arcade Hotel, Brum. #12 reg at door; `no contact address'. [BGN] 8-12 Apr 93 HELICON, 44th Eastercon (+Eurocon); Hotel de France, Jersey. "Now #25 reg." Contact `Master of the Universe', 63 Drake Rd, Chessington, Surrey, KT9 1LQ. "Rumblings" Brian Aldiss, Barry Bayley, Michael Moorcock: what do they have in common? All were billed for the August "New Worlds/In Dreams" signing and didn't turn up. Alan Moore speaks to the Preston group on 22 Sept (Bear's Paw pub, Church St). Kim Stanley Robinson signs "Red Mars" at Forbidden Planet on 26 Sept. ### EDITORIAL: YEAR ONE ### Your editor is as boggled as anyone to find that "Ansible"'s new slimline series has lasted a year (12 issues plus two illogical half-issues: over 30,000 words and no lawsuits "yet"). At this juncture, apologies are extended to those far-off sf societies who wanted the agenda of all their weekly meetings listed in full, the bookshops expecting vast free publicity about every single signing, the con committees who are hurt that their 37 guests of honour and 18-tier membership rates aren't printed each issue merely because nothing has actually changed, and above all the fans who (not having fathomed the intricate subtleties of the stamped, self-addressed envelope) complain that "Ansible" is elitist and impossible to get hold of. Kindly volunteers are now helping with the means of production, distribution and exchange, especially outside the UK (see credits box). This is very necessary because I am broke. For the future: when I can't afford it any longer, I'll stop. ### INFINITELY IMPROBABLE ### TALES OF PUBLISHING. The Midnight Rose anthology collective's likely change of publishers is reportedly because despite high sales of "Temps" in particular, Penguin (i.e. Geraldine Cooke, who `has a "bad" attitude' -- A.Pundit) wants to swell its profits by cutting authors' payments from #60 to #40 per thousand words. [] NEL's Humphrey Price blames falling sales figures and Recession Gloom for his decision not to take on another `best of "Interzone"' anthology. [] As for the rumoured GW Books revival, the 6 Aug meeting with the possible new publisher' (an outfit I'd never heard of) was called off, but.... TOO GOOD TO CHECK: the story is that a young graduate newly employed by Radio 4 thought of a way to brighten it up, and on his own initiative wrote to Douglas Adams asking if he'd ever thought of adapting "Hitch- Hiker's Guide" for radio.... TAFF 1993: ghostly rumours of a `conrunning candidate' have reached my ears. "Ansible" is not afraid to say, `Pardon?' Jeanne Bowman is still writing up her 1992 adventure: `One trip report segment is in the hands of Michael Ashley (oh look, "asshole" is the next word on my spell check).' SMALL PRESS &C. "The Sirius Book Company" (alias `Not Kerosina') is a quasi-new venture from Mike & Debby Moir, kicking off on 15 Oct with Keith Roberts's "Kaeti on Tour" -- guaranteed crammed with nubile young femininity. (#13.95 hc, 320pp. Nice cover by Jim `I'm hoping people will "forget" about that "personal stains" remark' Burns. Listing here does not preclude failure to review it in a later issue.) [] "Pong 41" is a surprise Ted White/Dan Steffan revival (see COA), bewailing "inter alia" an absence of UK fanzine activity -- well, chaps, if you will fall silent for ten years or so you do tend to drop off mailing lists. [] The US "Necronomicon Press" plans a 1993 Langford chapbook which (like their recent Stableford, "The Innsmouth Heritage") will be in the great tradition of Lovecraftian Stories Written For The Socko Centenary Anthology That Steve Jones Couldn't Actually Sell. THE "SF ENCYCLOPAEDIA" SOAP: champagne corks popped in mid-August and flying pigs were seen in the radiance of a blue moon as the UK editors still reeled in stark disbelief: "Peter Nicholls has finished writing his entries!" Delivery real soon now. HISTORY REPEATS: older readers will recall that London fan meetings moved to the Wellington pub after the One Tun's macho landlord threw out a fan for wicked deviancy. Certain filk-singers had more recently been meeting there, until 20-odd walked out at the landlord's expulsion of a male fan for wearing little but `form-hugging Lycra'. (Take a bow, Teddy.) [RR] "DRIF'S GUIDE" to UK second-hand bookshops is out in a new edition with an index at last (and without, I hope, its former sweeping claim that Guildford does not exist). Advance flyers speak mysteriously of a Channel 4 "Within Walls" involving Mike Moorcock and `drif' himself on 6 Oct. The book is #11.24 post free from `drif field guides', 41 North Rd, London, N7 9DP. CURSE OF "ANSIBLE": `The Red Fox copy-editor who fucked up "The Birthplace" by deleting subjunctives (and much more, and much worse "[see A60]") has been fired from the series, at last, thanks to a colossal capitulation by the bastard of an in-house editor -- who, it seems, for the first time has actually taken a "look" at the work before telling me I'm a thicko and awkward with it for protesting. An impromptu party was held here.' [JG] GUFF: nominations are open for next year's race to bring a Worthy Australasian Fan to Helicon at Easter 93. Closing date 30 Nov, ballots available Dec. Euro-administrator: Eva Hauser, Na Cihadle 55, 160 00 Praha 6, Czechoslovakia. TEN YEARS AGO ... Britain's long-running SF Book Club got its death warrant as `basically an outmoded idea'. "Extro" magazine folded. A radio `Brain of Britain' question asked what "Billion Year Spree" and "New Maps of Hell" had in common: the hesitant answer was, `Drug addiction.' Too right. ("Ansible 28", Sept 82.) COLLISION! Brian Stableford and Martin Hoare were recently incapacitated in reckless, daredevil pastimes -- respectively, cricket (colliding at high speed with a fielder gave BS a nasty faceful of infected tooth marks) and drinking (colliding at high speed with a chair- back in the Welly left MAH concussedly saying `Who am I?' for about two weeks). All is now well, though Martin had a slight relapse after flying over for the current Worldcon and finding, at his destination airport, my brother. UNATTRIBUTABLE: A certain British games company (Guess Who?) is busy making litigious noises at an sf publisher thanks to some book title that duplicates a `trademarked' game title. COITAL WAVE? `Martin spent five minutes staring at the cover art for "Critical Wave 27" and muttering "There'll be complaints." Since any sexual subtext has to be imposed by the reader (the young lady is fully clothed), it'll be illuminating....' [SG] REJECTION OF THE MONTH, accompanying two non-fiction MSS: `Please find enclosed your manuscript in which Knave are no longer accepting fiction.' [MG] C.O.A. "The Conservatory" is the new incarnation of the former Cafe Munchen, venue of countless past and future signings. "Lucy Huntzinger", 2305 Bernard Ave, Nashville, TN 37212, USA. "Ken Lake" ceases to have any fixed address on 16 Sept (except for `temporary stopovers' in Singapore and Hong Kong) and promises that mail will not be forwarded. "Katie McAulay/Greg Pickersgill", 3 Bethany Row, Narbeth Rd, Haverfordwest, Dyfed, SA61 2XG. "Simon Ounsley", 25 Park Villa Court, Leeds, LS8 1EB. "Dan Steffan", 3804 South 9th St, Arlington, VA 22204, USA. THE SEARING QUESTION: `Does the column in "Interzone" mean that David Langford has sold out?' [LMT] Who, "me?" Ansible 62 (c) Dave Langford, 1992. Thanks to rumour-mongers Jeanne Bowman, Brum Group News, Eddie Cochrane, Mike Gerrard, John Grant, Steve Green, Patrick Nielsen Hayden, Don Herron, Robert Lichtman, David Pringle, Roger Robinson, Luke M.Tredinnick, and hero distributors John Foyster, Vikki Lee France, Steve Jeffrey, Arnie Katz, Yvonne Rousseau, Alan Stewart and Bridget Wilkinson (FATW). 3/9/92 Posted by Dave Langford ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk ANSIBLE 63 OCTOBER 1992 From DAVE LANGFORD, 94 London Road, Reading, Berkshire, RG1 5AU. Fax 0734 669914. ISSN 0265-9816. Cartoon stolen shamelessly from Magicon. "Ansible" is available for SAE, whim, beer, intimidation or Hugos. (Thanks!) [Disclaimer: Each issue of ANSIBLE is designed for exquisite DTP in multiple fonts. This text dump for CIX and Usenet looks awful. So it goes. DRL] MAGICON HORROR: in a traditional drunken phone call Martin Hoare broke the big news, `It's 3:30am and the parties are great!' ... also mentioning `a British double!' `What, "Interzone" got a Hugo?' `No, don't be "silly", you won and so did Glasgow.' Then he fell over. A news analyst [SG] opined that the invisible UK profile of Glasgow's 1995 worldcon bid was just outclassed by the greater incompetence of its Atlanta rival -- site selection saw a record 2,564 votes, with a winning margin of only 163. Paying tribute to the total confidentiality of the process, Martin told me: `We all had a good laugh -- "you" voted twice!' Oops. Those Hugos: novel "Barrayar" by Lois McMaster Bujold (beating Card's heavily tipped "Xenocide" and McCaffrey's "Another Bloody Dragon Book". `Oh God, I'd have preferred even Card.' [RK]), novella `Beggars in Spain' by Nancy Kress, novelette `Gold' by Isaac Asimov (the traditional Existence-Challenged Author Award), short story `A Walk in the Sun' by Geoffrey Landis, nonfiction "The World of Charles Addams", dramatic presentation "Terminator 2", editor Gardner Dozois of "Asimov's", artist "and" original artwork Michael Whelan, `semiprozine' "Locus" (sorry, Mr Pringle), fanzine "Mimosa" ed. Dick & Nicki Lynch, fan writer me, and fan artist Brad Foster. [PNH] "Ansible" promises to spare you detailed Hugo voting statistics in any future issue. `The most horrible part of Magicon,' quavered Martin, `was having to wear kilts to push the Glasgow bid -- I said "You won't have one in "my" waist size," and bloody Tim Illingworth just went "Ho ho." And the sporran was artificial fur pasted on this wooden board, so when you walked it kept thumping into your groin....' The impression gleaned by US con-goers was that authentically kilted Scots always walk very, "very "slowly. ### THE UTTER ZOO ### J.G.BALLARD'S favourite reading includes the Los Angeles Yellow Pages -- see "The Pleasure of Reading" ed. Antonia Fraser and the revived "JGB News", #2/year to 217 Preston Drove, Brighton, BN1 6FL. ALGIS BUDRYS has cut his L.Ron Hubbard links, to edit Pulphouse's new "Tomorrow Speculative Fiction" -- rush your stories, Mr Stross, to PO Box 6038, Evanston, IL 60204, U.S.A. [SFC] DAVID GARNETT, self-confessed `editor of Britain's most celebrated sf anthology', is pondering this enquiry from a potential new contributor of `sci-fiction': `I have wrote to three or four publishers and your relaunched "New Worlds" was mentioned by the last one, unfortunately it seems that none of the so called publishers want to handle any material that hasn't been handled by a solicitor, or that is what I assume when I read that they are not accepting unsolicited material ... I really wouldn't know where to begin dealing with a solicitor on a matter such as this.' PATRICK NIELSEN HAYDEN reveals how Real Editors collaborate on anthologies ("Alternate Skiffy" -- see "A61"): `Breakfast at Magicon. "Mike Resnick to PNH", blearily: "Er, you finished your story yet?" "PNH" takes coffee mug, upends over head, scrubs eyes furiously, falls asleep into plate of eggs. Wakes. "PNH to MR:" "Um, no, you?" "MR" shakes head, signals waiter, twists head off passing ibex, leaves for Africa.' DAVID LALLY (Renaissance Fan) reportedly wowed the recent Mensa AGM with an old "Avengers" clip concerning incredibly intelligent people infiltrated by evil-doers who brainwashed them, culminating in the rescue of the bright folks' archetypal Nutty Professor leader with some such line as `How did you come to let them brainwash "you", Sir Clive?' Whereupon Sir Clive (Absolutely No Sense Of Humour) Sinclair walked out.... FRITZ LEIBER died on 5 Sept, all too soon after his recent stroke. John Clute gave him a good and appreciative (but warts-and-all) obituary in "The Independent" [14 Sept]. JERRY POURNELLE correspondence goes on: `Having dealt with JP at our local con a decade ago, I'd say Joseph Nicholas was being pleasant in his descriptions. I won't go into anything libellous (most of us know about his violent nature, argumentativeness, lechery and occasional knife- pulling), but the warnings from our con and a US con that hosted him previously put fandom in the know about Jerry and his proclivities ... not even the computer conventions want him, now.' [LP] DAVID REDD is most Disappointed by the `Ansible' column in "Interzone": `No coloured paper! No special type for Chung Kuo!' KEVIN SMITH lives: `I saw (from "Matrix") that you didn't have to present the BSFA award to Paul McAuley for "Eternal Light". I'm sure this must have come as a relief. I read as far as page two, and found this: "Sitting in his air-conditioned subterranean hutch in the middle of the secret excavation site on the flanks of Arrul Terrek, Major Sebastian Artemio Pinheiro wondered, not for the first time, if he was becoming as crazy as everyone said the zithsa hunters were." In the days when I edited "Vector", that would have been a bottom of the page filler, on a par with "The Troglodytes" by Nal Rafcam. Yet people seem to think this McAuley character can write a bit. They nominate him for awards. They interview him in "Vector" and things....' BRIAN STABLEFORD winces when asked about the understated cover of his new vampire epic "Young Blood" (Simon & Schuster, 21 Sept). `I was "not" consulted. I never saw the jacket....' D.WEST deplores TAFF `dirty politics' wielded by the Berry faction against his favoured candidate Michael Ashley: `Martin Tudor persuaded Steve Green to declare for Michael. Trouble is, we can't retaliate with the standard pig-fucking routine since that might make Tony Berry seem more interesting.' `CHERRY WILDER's husband Horst Grimm died suddenly of a heart attack on 9 Sept. They had been on the point of moving house, and from 15 Oct Cherry's address will be 36 Kurt Schumacher Strasse, 6070 Langen/Hessen, Germany. She had been about to finish "Signs of Life", a sequel to "Second Nature". Cherry intends to remain in Germany for three more years, and may move to an English-speaking country thereafter.' [IW] ### CONQUASSATION ### First Thursday FISSIPAROUS LONDON MEETINGS "Hamilton Hall" bar, Liverpool St Station -- the `too crowded with bloody commuters "in suits"' option; some hopes of reserving the upper level if enough fans start going there. "The Wine Vaults", Fenchurch St -- Bernie Peek's Fancy: `People don't insist on lots of real ales in the 1990s....' [RK] [] "Turnmills", corner of Clerkenwell Rd and Turnmill St -- the Nic Farey Alternative: `At 11pm it turns into a disco!' "The Wellington", last seen in chaos while becoming an `upmarket wine bar' -- the `wait and see/ can't be bothered/move? what move?' factions. "Which shall it be, Passworthy?" 9-11 Oct FESTIVAL OF FANTASTIC FILMS, Charterhouse Hotel, Manchester. #30 reg; fantastic popcorn may cost extra. Contact 95 Meadowgate Rd, Salford, Manchester, M6 8EB. 9-12 Oct IFT CON (Trek), Holiday Inn, Leicester. "Event presumed cancelled." [CW] No reply to urgent enquiries about this rumour; the committee, even if still active, doesn't seem interested. 16-18 Oct OCTOCON 92, Royal Marine Hotel, Dun Laoghaire, Ireland. #13 reg. GoH Orson Scott Card etc. Contact 30 Beverly Downs, Knocklyon Rd, Templeogue, Dublin 16. 24 Oct DANGERCON 4, "Dangermouse" thingy, Cedar Hall, Ruskin House, Croydon, 11am-11pm. #3.50 reg. Contact 37 Keens Rd, Croydon, CR0 1AH; 081 686 6800 (eve). "No kids." 24 Oct DRACON (`an imitation Microcon ... "I" am calling it Teenycon' [CB]), U of Bristol Students' Union. #3 reg. Contact UBSU, Queen's Rd, Clifton, Bristol, BS8 1LN; 0272 735935. Claims to be `Bristol's first fantasy and sf convention': little do these infants know of OMPAcon, the 1973 Bristol Eastercon.... 30 Oct-1 Nov CONCERT, King's Manor Hotel, Edinburgh. #20 reg. Contact 97 Harrison Rd, Edinburgh, EH11 1LT. 30 Oct-1 Nov WHO'S 7, "Dr Blake" con; Moat House Hotel, Telford. Contact 137 High St, Plaistow Broadway, E13 9HH. ?-? 93 MILFORD (UK) SF WRITERS' CONFERENCE, 21st anniversary thrash. An old lags' reunion (with Judy Blish) is hoped. [PB] 24-8 Aug 95 INTERSECTION, 53rd Worldcon, Glasgow. Rates yet to be announced, at least to me. GoHs Samuel R.Delany, Gerry Anderson. Contact 121 Cape Hill, Smethwick, Warley, B66 4SH (I've seen that address before). The huge site selection voting turn-out was a mixed blessing for Glasgow: it meant 2,500+ paid-up members at once, but they paid a rock- bottom bargain price. "Overheard at Reading sf meeting:" `The co-chairman Vince Docherty is going off to work in Oman.' `How did Tim Illingworth arrange that?' "Rumblings" DANGERCON 6, in order to annoy Sou'Wester, will be held in Bristol over Easter 1994, `for 150-250 people, about #15 reg, rooms #25-30/person/night. More details will follow.' [RN] A beermat drunkenly signed by Sou'Wester's David V.Barrett arrived: `Liverpool? Isn't that somewhere sou'west of Bristol? I'm going to Dangercon myself.' [] The alternative media con ELYDORE could be resurrected for Easter '94 `because of media fans' hatred of the Liverpool Adelphi hotel.' [RN] [] Future WORLDCON bids include "1996" Los Angeles; "1997" San Antonio, St Louis; "1998" Baltimore, Boston, New York, Niagara Falls; "1999" Australia; "2000" Kansas City (slogan: `KC in 2K', which as any computerate fule kno is 2048). ### INFINITELY IMPROBABLE ### TAFF: "Ansible" asked candidates to cast aside all inhibition and say why we should "really" vote them a trip to the 1993 San Francisco Worldcon. "Michael Ashley:" `Fan of saliromania (the activity -- not the fanzine). Founder member: Nieces Across Woodside. Personal friend of Walt Willis. My pubic and underarm hair is clean.' "Tony Berry:" `Because I'm such a wonderful guy. And if they don't vote for me, I'll sulk.' "Abigail Frost:" `I've organized more conventions than Michael Ashley; won more fanwriting awards than Ashley Watkins; and look more interesting in a mini-skirt than Tony Berry.' "Ashley Watkins:" no response. Administrator "Pam Wells" adds: `"Please" can I have some TAFF auction material for Novacon? Books, clothes, fanzines, illegal fudge, erotic stimulators, anything.' "Richard Brandt", past and possibly future US candidate: `"TAFF Hopeful Struck in Jaw by Arrow" ... is this worth a story?' "Me:" `No.' "RB:" `How about "DUFF Hopeful"...?' "SF ENCYCLOPAEDIA" SOAP OPERA CONTINUES! By Sept, the letters A and B had been delivered (370,000 words). After tussling with the Little Brown Production Manager over the latter's idea of a "whole new typestyle" for acronyms (which would have meant `some poor sod picking through 1.2 million words of text to find and code all the acronyms'), the Bearded Copy-Editor was delighted to hear from the Jolly Typesetter: `Er, you know that inordinately complicated system of coding for small capitals, italics and boldface that we insisted you use from the outset, sunshine? Well, er, our machines can't read it.' [PB] REDISTRIBUTION. Forbidden Planet and Titan are splitting, with Nick Landau continuing as FP Bookshops Boss and Mike Lake flogging Titan Distributors to the US comics distributor Diamond (likely to abandon books and handle only comics henceforth, thinks awesome pundit Maxim Jakubowski). The fate of FP's Titan Books line is uncertain: if it dies, who will carry on its valuable work of reissuing US comics without their original colour (rather like reprinting novels on the cheap by leaving out the adjectives)? Kosmos Distributors has already gone bust, owing "Interzone" around #500. [DP] HAZEL'S LANGUAGE LESSONS: JAPANESE. "Honban manaita", live sex shows ("honban"=the real thing, "manaita"=chopping board for the preparation of raw fish). [via Dave Wood-san] GW BOOKS EXHUMED. An outfit called Boxtree (`their entire catalogue consists of TV spinoffs and books about fishing') plans to release six GW titles in January: three David Ferring/Garnett fantasies, one unpublished, and three "Warhammer 40k" books including at least one unpublished Ian Watson epic. Former GW Books editor David Pringle was not consulted; also out in the cold are voluminous GW authors Brian Stableford and Kim Newman. (`"Brian Craig" and "Jack Yeovil" were the ones who won the praise and good reviews; but it's Ferring they want to publish. Give the readers what they want, that's the way....' [AoF]) Our own spy described the Boxtree packaging Fuhrer as `clearly a man who had never read a book in his life'. R.I.P. "Reginald Bretnor" of `The Gnurrs Come from the Voodvork Out' fame, "Alan E.Nourse", and Superman's co-creator "Joe Shuster" all died in July. [SFC etc] MORE AWARDS. "John W.Campbell" for new writer: Ted Chiang. "Campbell Memorial Award" for novel: "Buddy Holly is Alive and Well on Ganymede" by Bradley Denton. "Sturgeon" for short: John Kessel's `Buffalo'. (`So Denton & Kessel, ex-students of James Gunn, have won these awards ... chairman of the judges being James Gunn. Just proves how well he taught them!' [AoF]) "SF Chronicle Reader Award" for novel: "Stations of the Tide" by Michael Swanwick. ("SFC" fanzine and fanwriter winners are "Ansible" and me, ho ho.) FORBIDDEN WORKS: `Jane "[Barnett]" tells me that various authors' books are banned from her school library because of their unsuitability for the little dears. Foremost among them? Salacious Terry Pratchett, no less.' [PB] AIR MAIL. Size of HarperCollins box: 23"x15"x5". Contents: 2 books for review. Empty space mailed out: 93.8% of parcel. MODESTY FORBIDS ... in the Oct "The Dark Side", Steve Green's rave review of "Critical Wave" neglects to mention who edits it. C.O.A. "Ken Lake" has left Britain but will pick up his fan mail in Feb 93 ... c/o John Bull Stamps Ltd, PO Box 10.009, GPO Hong Kong. "Tibs/Joan Paterson", 1/L 30 Falkland St, Glasgow, G12 9QY. "Cherry Wilder" (to whom all sympathy), see over. MAGICON MOMENTS. Over 5,900 people attended. `Great time, outside of walking 4-5 miles a day just from your hotel to the convention centre and back (I was at the main hotel, too).' [LP] The Peabody Hotel boasted the four `Peabody Ducks', which each morning were led from a lift along a red carpet to the lobby duckpond and each afternoon ushered back by the same route to their $250,000 Duck Palace upstairs. "Martin Hoare:" `That one, please, with orange sauce.' "Icy Waitress:" `We "don't joke" about the ducks.' Best cock-up: the wrong card in one Hugo envelope -- "Mimosa"'s fanzine award was presented to and snatched back from "Lan's Lantern". `The deserving were rewarded and the guilty punished in one fell swoop,' said cruel Andy Hooper. [RB] The 1995 NASFiC (North American alternate con for overseas-Worldcon years) went to Atlanta despite hot competition from the spoof `I-95 in 95' alias Roadkillcon; a serious New York bid came fourth, after `None of the above'. Removal of this event from the Worldcon constitution is under discussion, again. [] The Hugo rockets reverted from tacky plastic to Peter Weston's massive castings, gold-plated for Worldcon #50; their bases incorporated bits of old Cape Canaveral launch complex gantry -- real skiffy. ("Cringing Answer To Most Frequent Question of September:" `Er ... seven.') [] Magicon newsletter reaction to Glasgow victory party: the headline "Men in Skirts!" [] Ansible 63 (c) Dave Langford, 1992. Thanks to Anonymous of Ferring, Paul Barnett, Chris Bell, Richard Brandt, Eddie Cochrane, Critical Wave, Ethel the Aardvark, David Garnett, Steve Green, Patrick Nielsen Hayden (Hugo Fax Master), Martin Hoare (Official Hugo & Hernia Collector), Roz Kaveney, Robert Newman, Lloyd Penney, David Pringle, SF Chronicle, Brian Stableford, Ian Watson, Pam Wells and hero distributors listed last issue. 1/10/92 Posted by Dave Langford ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk ANSIBLE 64 NOVEMBER 1992 From DAVE LANGFORD, 94 London Road, Reading, Berkshire, RG1 5AU. Fax 0734 669914. ISSN 0265-9816. Guppies also by Dan Steffan -- is there no end to the man's talents? "Ansible" is available. Abigail Frost for TAFF! [Disclaimer: Each issue of ANSIBLE is designed for exquisite DTP in multiple fonts. This text dump for CIX and Usenet looks awful. So it goes. DRL] POLICY BIT: as dull press releases pour in, "Ansible" fancies more News As Entertainment. An unadorned `Author Sells Book' does not excite (do trade journals elsewhere carry stories of `Bricklayer Lays Brick'?). `Stross Slays Seven, Dies In Cocaine Brawl' -- now you're talking. `Greenland Sells Book Despite Ravages Of M.E., Blames Illness On Occult Resonance Of Title "Harm's Way", Claims Next Will Be Called "Sex, Wealth and Immortality"' -- nice one, Colin, but don't try "too" hard.... ### THESE RESTLESS HEADS ### ANONYMOUS OF DAVENTRY confides: `24 November will see a legal battle in court between Games Workshop and Boxtree in the Warhammer corner, and Transworld in the other corner, over a matter of trademark infringement due to Transworld launching those young adult skiffy titles labelled "Dark Future". "[A GW gameTM which I thought had been discontinued -- Ed.]" Meanwhile Boxtree strides ahead, aiming for a January launch of the brand-new "Space Marine" by Ian Watson, which isn't at all like "Starship Troopers", introducing a new art form: scrimshaw upon the finger bones of one's dead comrades.... Preliminary findings at Frankfurt indicate international potential for the Boxtree venture.' [AoD] STEVE BAXTER's life imitates art: `I have a story in "Weerde II" whose first line is "We want you to assassinate Stephen Hawking". Last weekend [17 Oct] I was in Cambridge signing books at Heffer's bookshop. Afterwards I was driving out of town and approaching lights when suddenly, out of nowhere -- you've guessed it -- a motorized wheelchair came plummeting across the road in front of me. I did an emergency stop, no harm done ... the chap in the wheelchair grinned hugely and a worried- looking lady came running to pull him back on to the kerb. I've heard the great man is prone to this sort of antic. So I almost lived through my own story. Spooky....' JOHN BRUNNER had trouble with antibiotics for an infected insect bite: `You know how debilitating diarrhoea is. Ever had it for months on end? I literally feel drained.' He's been writing `posthumous collaborations' ... luckily it's the other authors who are posthumous, such as Borges and Eric Frank Russell. AVEDON CAROL counted up Hugos and now warns me for my own good: `If you ever get nine, Langford, "you will have to die".' CHUCK HARRIS's Worldcon was marred by rampant shingles: `It's absolutely no fun waking in the morning nowadays, clasping a throbbing, nipple-erect breast and finding it's your own.' DON HERRON was at Fritz Leiber's funeral: `If Jay Sheckley had limited herself to her opening remarks about reclaiming Fritz for horror and then just gone over and kissed the corpse in the open casket, throwing back her black veil and leaning over Dracula-like ... fuck, maybe it would have been in questionable taste, but at least it would have been "short". She had to be ordered off stage after the "first" story she wanted to read. And she can't read for shit. As my and Fritz's pal John Law said to me somewhere during the almost-two-hour affair, "Hey, Don, could you get me a spot on the programme? I'd like to read "A Spectre is Haunting Texas"." So Sheckley did the corpse kiss after it was all over and almost no one was watching, Werewolf Mike put a cigarette in Fritz's hand and someone else a champagne glass for his last party (I don't think "he" would have objected for a second -- though I hear Charlie Brown had big trouble with the open coffin). Poul & Karen Anderson, Judith Merril and Diana Paxson spoke. John de Cles gave a "brilliant" (and short) valediction. And Justin Leiber's reading of Fritz's "The Big Trek" from the mezzanine of the "fin de siecle" columbarium where the services took place was nothing short of magisterial (and the story selection could not have been better, if you knew Fritz). Maybe you had to be there, maybe you're glad you were not. The whole deal, while totally Fritzean, might have been a bit much for most folk I met in England -- it was too much for many who were there. As I said to myself when the speeches, readings and songs were finally at an end, "Jesus, I "need" a drink!"' MAXIM JAKUBOWSKI gloats: `"100 Great Detectives" edited by you-know- who won the nonfiction Anthony (crime's equivalent of the Hugo) at Bouchercon 22, the World Mystery Convention in Toronto [Oct]. Also, Nottingham beat Washington DC and Miami in the bid to host Bouchercon 25 in 1995. So, what with Glasgow and sf, "both" big worldcons come to the UK in '95.' STEPHEN KING recently helped save a TAFF candidate's life! Abigail Frost (for it is she) inadvertently inhaled a lump of Yorkshire pudding and was visibly choking to death; heroic Roz Kaveney leapt to the rescue with the Heimlich Manoeuvre, adding modestly: `I read how to do it in "Christine".' NAOMI MITCHISON, vastly prolific and fondly remembered in sf circles for "Memoirs of a Spacewoman", was 95 on 1 Nov. ### CONTABESCENCE ### First Thur LONDON PUB MEETINGS -- EVOLUTION IN ACTION. Oct: fans voted with their feet for both "Hamilton Hall" (Liverpool St Station) and the "Wine Vaults" (Fenchurch St). #1 has everything going for it -- free house, food, the Underground, a sheltered milling-around space outside -- but is overcrowded at rush hour; having part or all of the upper bar reserved for us is contingent on a large, regular fan turn-out. #2 was quiet and emptyish, but wouldn't be so if the entire ex-Wellington mob descended; it also closes early, and lazier fans are not keen on the walk from the tube. (Advocates of each pub stressed the damning fact that the other advertises a smart-dress code. Several noted Worst Dressed Fans have failed to be thrown out of either.) `"Ansible" should make the decision,' claimed Tim Illingworth. My straw-polling now indicates Hamilton Hall; some early-coming ochlophobes may prefer to spend the rush-hour period in Fenchurch St first. 6-8 Nov NOVACON 22, Royal Angus Hotel, Birmingham. #25 at door. GoH Storm Constantine. Too late to pre-register. 7-8 Nov ARMADACON 4, Astor Hotel, The Hoe, Plymouth. #20 reg or #10/day. GoH: various. Suck it and see. 13-15 Nov T'KON (Trek), Arcade Hotel, Brum. #12 reg at door (also daily rates); no contact address known. 18 Nov BSFA, V&A pub, Marylebone Station. No info. 27-9 Nov HILLCON III, 18th Beneluxcon, Atlanta Hotel, Rotterdam. f65 reg. Eurocheques to Hillcon III, Bijltjespad 52 II, 1018 KJ Amsterdam, Netherlands. 8-12 Apr 93 HELICON, Eastercon: "PR3" with tortuous and labyrinthine booking forms now out. #25 reg, rising to #28 on 1 Dec. Contact 63 Drake Rd, Chessington, Surrey, KT9 1LQ. 1-3 Oct 93 FANTASYCON XVIII, Midland Hotel, Brum. GoH Peter James, Les Edwards. Membership cost still an eldritch secret. Contact 15 Stanley Rd, Morden, Surrey, SM4 5DE. 24-8 Aug 95 INTERSECTION, 53rd Worldcon, Glasgow. Full attending membership #40 until 31 Dec, with discounts for all paid-up Presupporters, `Friends' and 1995 site-selection Voters: P #35, V #25, PV #20, F #15, PF #10, FV or FPV free. Supporting membership is #15, or P #10 -- free to other PFV combinations. Contact 121 Cape Hill, Smethwick, Warley, B66 4SH. ? Oct 95 BOUCHERCON 25, World Mystery Convention, Nottingham: details TBA. Contact Broadway Media Centre, 14 Broad St, Nottingham, NG1 3AL. (Or Maxim J. at Murder One.) [PW] "Rumblings" EASTER 1994: Chris Bell has interrogated Robert Newman about his "A63" news of a Dangercon 6 in Bristol while Sou'Wester (Eastercon) happened in Liverpool. Before being removed to intensive care, RN said that this was all a merry jape and was induced to send another bloody beermat. (`Moving Sou'Wester to Liverpool is the most brilliant idea since the deposing of Maggie Thatcher. I'll be there. Now can I have a plug for the Croydon sf group, 2nd Tue, Oakfield Tavern, St James's Rd, Croydon?' "No -- Ed.") BSFA: the Oct meeting (Sue Thomas giving readings from her "Correspondence") was enlivened when a visiting Thomas fan tried all by herself to throw out a party of non-sober outsiders who were Muttering in the background. "Barman:" `I would have talked to them but you took matters into your own hands!' ### INFINITELY IMPROBABLE ### GIVE ME MONEY! In the tradition of D.West, your skint editor hopes to defray the cost of "Ansible" etc. by flogging reprint collections. "Critical Assembly II" is the hotly awaited (one has to say these things) concluding book of Langford sf review-and-abuse pages from "White Dwarf", "GM" and "GMI" ... 51 revised and updated columns, well over 70,000 words, 75pp A4, softbound with index, a mere #9. (Same as the 1987 price of the sell-out "Critical Assembly I", reset and back in print soon.) "Let's Hear It For The Deaf Man" ed. Ben Yalow is NESFA's 1992 collection of my fan writing, 64pp mimeo plus covers, #5. Accost me at any pub or con. UK mail order of either "or" both: add 75p postage. GOLLANCZ CHANGES HANDS -- Cassell plc bought the venerable publishing house from its US owners Houghton Mifflin; London staff moved from their tatty old Covent Garden offices to Cassell's in the Strand (see COA). `It's good news,' said galaxy-famous sf boss Richard Evans: `Mine's a pint.' Changes have already begun: `Cassell bought a new ribbon for the printer! A tradition dies as at last the world can read Gollancz royalty statements.' [CP] HAZEL'S TOURISM LESSONS: "Venezuelan Guidebookspeak". `A very strange fauna only known by those who have had the chance of exploring their bowels is hidden in the "Tepuis".' [RB] SF FOUNDATION MOVE. The final decision to accept the University of Liverpool's offer of a home was taken on 1 Oct. [RR] UGH! Richard Calder's novel "Dead Girls" (HarperCollins) will, they say, be noted for the Hardback Porno Jacket of 1993. The editors hate it! All women hate it! The book club cancelled its order because of it! And those in charge of the HarperCollins paperback not only loathe and despise it but begin to suspect that such a jolly striking cover must be worth re-using.... "668: THE NEIGHBOUR OF THE BEAST" -- long proposed by Messrs Gaiman and Pratchett as the "Good Omens" sequel title (if ever), this just appeared as an Ace book by `Lionel Fenn'. No comment on its dread `decaying mansion at number 666 Langford Place' ... but `isn't "Fenn" that US anthologist who published his "final" anthology last year -- and has still neglected to pay certain authors or send out contributors' copies? I'm one of those in [Charles] Grant's "Final "Shadows"" who hasn't had copies of the book, but at least I've been paid. Mostly.' [DG] YET MORE "SF ENCYCLOPAEDIA:" `Bantam have ducked out of the US edition ... nothing to do with the book, just that they're trimming everywhere they can and hadn't actually signed a contract. I gather that New York editors are zeroing in.' [PB] R.I.P. "Quantum" (once "Thrust"), the oft-Hugo-nominated sf review mag, will cease with its 20th anniversary issue in Jan. DRACULA SOCIETY: at 213 Wulfstan St, East Acton, W12 0AB. CULTURAL INDICATOR. `Offer in #1 of the magazine "SuperNintendo": "Free SuperNintendo Badge! Stick it on your clothes! Take it off again! Hours of fun!" I thought of you at once.' [PB] C.O.A. "Jo Fletcher", 162 Clements Rd, Ilford, Essex, IG1 1BE. "Gollancz", Villiers House, 41-47 Strand, London, WC2N 5JE. "Cyril Simsa", from 9 Nov: c/o 18 Muswell Ave, London, N10 2EG or (urgent stuff) c/o Eva Hauser, Na Cihadle 55, 160 00 Praha 6, Czechoslovakia. SKIFFY POETS: short (100 lines max, preferably <50) pomes wanted for an A3 poster. S.Amos, 22 Albert Rd, Tonbridge, Kent, TN9 2SR. "A63" ERRATA: in `1993 NASFiC' read `1995', for `#2/year' read `#2/issue', for [Intersection] `"attending" members' read `paid-up members', for `Setve Grnen' read `Mratin Tudro', etc. LETTER FROM TEXAS. `Despite a long list of accolades from the sci-fi wets, Kristine Kathryn Rusch of "F&SF" is slowly getting a reputation for being one of the more tedious writers in the field. Both she and her partner Dean Wesley Smith (of Pulphouse) go to workshops around the country where they encourage young writers to produce a story a week and get it in the post, stressing the writing of "saleable" stories, with the premise that a story is good if someone has bought it. Do we need more of this? ... Smith publishes "The Report", a news-sheet for those writers who spend more time on the net and reading SFWA bulletins than they do writing. In a fussy, busybody voice it advises authors how to behave at cons, avoiding drink, poor dietary habits, lack of sleep, sex, etc. "Kiss my butt," I thought. Commentary from Pat Cadigan was: "Blow it out your ass!" ... Don't connect my name with any of this. I want all the editors in the field to think I love them dearly.' "(Coward -- Ed.)" TEN YEARS AGO: Ian Watson read "Ansible" and was `not pleased to see Aldiss's court jester, the vulgarian of the universe, H.Harrison Esq, being abusive about the decent Mr Brunner.' ("Ansible 29", Oct 82) ### FANTASYCON XVII ### This was the usual genially shambolic event in sodden Birmingham. (Outsiders reported noises of massacre and dissent from Sunday's BFS- members-only business meeting.) "Karl Edward Wagner" was, as usual when I see him, frothing with rage and despair -- this time at the `butchering' of his script for a DC graphic novel wholly rewritten without his permission. "Andy Porter" waved a list of secret Hugo data showing that his "SFC" got 22% more nominations than "Locus", that David Pringle is the #11 pro editor after Martin H.Greenberg, that "Ansible", "Stet" and "Pulp" just missed the fanzine list, etc. (This would have carried more authority if his list hadn't omitted the winner, "Mimosa".) [] "Deborah Beale" of Millennium expressed unprintable feminist horror at the latest Piers Anthony title "The Colour of Her Panties". "Graham Joyce" tangled with the Millennium party's Free Bar: `Pint of Murphy's please.' (Pause.) "Barman:" `#1.70.' "GJ:" `WHAT?' "Barman:" `It's only the halves of lager are free, sir.' "GJ, paying up:" `AND a half of lager.' "Ramsey Campbell" was mentally scarred from a reading which someone had livened up no end with drunken sound effects before falling loudly over. "Richard Evans" looked strainedly enigmatic, confessing days later that he'd been defending the Gollancz Takeover Secret against my ruthless lack of questioning. "British Fantasy Awards:" NOVEL (August Derleth award) "Outside the Dog Museum" by Jonathan Carroll, COLLECTION "Darklands" ed. Nicholas Royle, SHORT `The Dark Land' by Michael Marshall Smith, ARTIST Jim Pitts (whose dentures had broken; since only the trophy bases had turned up, the spectacle was of an award with no award accepted by a man with no teeth), SMALL PRESS "Peeping Tom", BEST NEWCOMER (Icarus award) Melanie Tem, and committee award (for Best Committee) Andy Porter. "Linda Krawecke" left the horror artists nowhere with her art-show display of Real New Orleans Bad Taste (With Lobsters).... [] Ansible 64 (c) Dave Langford, 1992. Thanks to Paul Barnett, Richard Brandt, Sherry Coldsmith, Bernie Evans, Abigail [For TAFF] Frost, David Garnett, Steve Green, Colin Greenland, Chris Priest, Roger Robinson, Peter Wareham and the usual hero distributors, notably Joyce Worley Katz with her new US fan newsletter SPINDIZZY. 5/11/92 Posted by Dave Langford ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk ANSIBLE 65 DECEMBER 1992 From DAVE LANGFORD, 94 London Road, Reading, Berkshire, RG1 5AU. Fax 0734 669914. ISSN 0265-9816. "Ansible" is available for SAEs, whim, personal threats or (rich idiots only) #12 per year. Abigail Frost for TAFF! [Disclaimer: Each issue of ANSIBLE is designed for exquisite DTP in multiple fonts. This text dump for CIX and Usenet looks awful. So it goes. DRL] XMAS QUIZ. A small prize to the first devoted "Ansible" reader to explain why these writers form a series, and who comes next: Clifford Simak, Charles Fort, John Sladek, Jody Scott, A.E.van Vogt, Jack Vance, Edward Gorey, James Branch Cabell...? ### THE ALIENS AMONG US ### NICK AUSTIN, erstwhile sf editor/consultant for practically every UK publisher you've heard of, has now left Orion/Millennium. J.G.BALLARD, 62 on 15 Nov, got a "Sunday Times" birthday notice as `science fiction writer and novelist'. What, "both"? [DW] DAMIEN BRODERICK, almost famous Aussie sf author, `has published "The Lotto Effect: Towards a Technology of the Paranormal". ("Lotto" is the favourite ordinary-person's method of gambling here, with a success probability of 1 in 8.5 million or so.) Damien has been working on this book for very many years, and the blurb explains: "Dr Damien Broderick has studied a vast computerized trove of data -- three-quarters of a billion guesses -- from many draws of Tattslotto. The database is provided -- tables and graphs of the way players voted in 23 consecutive draws. This invaluable information for Lotto punters has never before been published anywhere. / Does ESP affect Lotto players? It seems to. The results are startling, statistically significant, and inexplicable." ... Bruce Gillespie complains that Damien has left out all the Scientific Explanation of how his conclusions follow from the data. John Foyster wrote a letter (enclosing graph) to point out another and simpler explanation for an effect which Damien claimed could only be paranormal. Damien's response appeared to miss the point. Then, on 17 Nov, we discovered that three Crop Circles had formed in the crop of 33" grass that we are growing in our back yard. I regret to say that John sent Damien a circulation-of-one newssheet about Pre-Cognitive Crop Circles -- "Weekly Wild News, November 1992" -- headlined CROP CIRCLES PREDICT LOTTO RESULTS....' [YR] "(To be discontinued -- Ed.)" JOHN CLUTE, in an access of euphoria, tried to drive the other SF Encyclopaedists mad with a post-last-minute fax: `I'm worried about the use within ascription brackets of the term "chap" "[chapbook]", and would like to substitute the term PYG ... so as to refer to the rewritten SUPERMAN entry I will send later today, which will now be called PYGMALION, and will address the true nature of the DEFINITION OF SF, which will need rewriting. Where PYG is not appropriate within ascription brackets, i.e. for short sf novels with detective or policier elements, I would prefer you to substitute the term "pig", for all MAGICAL REALIST tales I would prefer the term "puig", for all FEMINIST works (I think I can modify that entry pretty quickly) the term "peg", and in the MUSIC entry it will have to be "pag"....' H'mm. GERALDINE COOKE, Penguin sf (and ghastly TSR game tie-ins) supremo, was recently made redundant. Her union struggled to save her job but is now thought to have given up. MALCOLM EDWARDS (says this HarperCollinsEditorial leak) has moved to a `new role' giving him lots less time to spend with his sf writers. `Extrapolating from his availability in recent months,' said one excited author, `this implies the concept of "negative time"!' A "Bookseller" photo identifies Malcolm's new role as lurking in the Virgin Isles wearing boxer shorts, swilling cocktails, and signing contracts with a lady hotel-owner whose coming bestseller about hotel-owning may well not be sf. ALASDAIR GRAY, Mexicon's most famously horizontal former guest of honour, won both the "Guardian" Fiction Prize and the Whitbread Prize for best novel with his "Poor Things". [AJF] DIANA WYNNE JONES, after suffering severe spinal pain for far too long, underwent major neurosurgery on 1 Dec and next day was reported as doing encouragingly well. `She can feel her legs again for the first time in some while, and the hospital staff are now talking of her full recovery in terms of "when" rather than "if".... All very, very pleasing.' [CB via PB] BOB SHAW, now in a new slimline version, reports that he's been teetotal for some months and feels strong and vital (his local pub the Dog & Duck does not, having entirely stopped selling Greenall's Original Bitter for lack of Shavian custom). BRIAN STABLEFORD is now, alas, living alone. He said: `To be deserted by one wife may be regarded as a misfortune ... to be deserted by two seems like carelessness.' All sympathies, boss. ### NOVACON 22 ### "The Royal Angus", Novacon's traditional and now reinstated venue, met with huge acclaim in such terms as `I suppose it's slightly better than that awful airport hotel.' Strange moments came when a barman went insane one midnight and was frogmarched off by enormous bouncers, and when a fan objected to being asked #2.25 for a pint of lemonade ... whereupon the manager himself appeared and flexibly explained It Wasn't His Fault, Thistle Hotels "made" him charge these prices, more than his job was worth, etc. The drink went down the drain. "Storm Constantine" was GoH, with her fabled Gothic entourage; the programme was typically lightweight with (according to a few) too many discos; the souvenir book lapsed into crammed unreadability once "really important stuff" like committee biographies had given way to mere GoH and sf appraisals. [] "Roz Kaveney" fulminated about Penguin's saturation publicity for "Eurotemps": `They told me that "no" dealers had asked for early copies, and now I find Rog Peyton had ordered 50, and they told "him" none had been printed....' Yet somehow they'd managed to send out review copies. `One is contending with active "sabotage",' continued Roz. "Greg Pickersgill" exuded bucolic euphoria and went on about how his life in London had all been a huge mistake, true tranquillity being reserved for idyllic Haverfordwest. `Surrounded by baa-ing sheep,' I suggested. `IT'S FUCKING "CATTLE COUNTRY", YOU IGNORANT GWENT CRETIN!' How he has changed. [] "Pam Wells" wished to repudiate a vile slur: `If "I" wrote the gossip column in "Critical Wave" it would be a bloody sight more interesting.' []" ""Jim Burns" was unhappily in earshot when I peered at one of his Art Show contributions and opined that this was a Giant Space Turd. `Oh God, Langford, you're too perceptive, now you've said it I see that "that is what it is".' Er, sorry. "Paul Morley" the "Guardian" hack was sighted at Novacon and later published an odd article on sf's decease (11 Nov), all seemingly the fault of elves and Terry Pratchett. `Does it make you feel as though you are writing obituaries in "Ansible"?' asked returned eofan Derek Pickles with false concern. "Rog Peyton" (The Expert's Expert) interrupted as we idly wondered how far down Novacon's All-Time Best Books Poll listing you had to go to find the first real stinker. Passing over #1 ("Tiger! Tiger!"), Rog snorted: `Number "two", that's all, total crap, "The Left Hand of Darkness". And number three, "The Book of the New Sun", fucking rubbish. And....' Speaking of "Tiger! Tiger!", Novacon research disclosed wide fannish unawareness that Bester's most famous line comes in two flavours: "`Vorga, I kill you deadly'" (UK) and "`... kill you filthy'" (US). "TAFF:" in the interests of Equal Time the three attending candidates all gave impersonations of the absent Michael Ashley, replete with simulated Angst and vomit. "Roger Robinson" presented #2,500 (raised at various cons) to RNIB for talking books: `There's a mistake in the cheque! I've got another #600.' "Nova Awards" went to Dave Mooring (artist), Michael Ashley (writer) and Ian Sorensen's "Bob?" (fanzine -- `Incomprehensible!' said Britain's Mr Horror, Steve Jones, in a later unsolicited interview). Runners-up: D.West, Nigel E.Richardson and "Saliromania". [HB] "Simon Ounsley" explained: `The Leeds Group did not even bother to put in a fix for the Nova this year -- much to the chagrin of the numerous fans who kept approaching the small Leeds contingent at the con and asking who they were supposed to be voting for. On being told to please themselves, they wandered off looking as baffled as all those East European journalists who suddenly had to go off and search out the news instead of having it delivered to their desks every day in a government envelope. Ian Sorensen's award had nothing whatsoever to do with any connections he might have with the Leeds Group, nor with the large number of duplicator stencils marked "Strathclyde Education Authority" which recently managed to fall off the back of a lorry in Keighley.' [] ### CONDYLURA ### First Thur LONDON PUB MEETING STABILIZES -- in the Hamilton Hall bar on Liverpool St Station, as plugged last issue. Which isn't to say that rebel contingents are not encamped elsewhere: Turnmills (some media fans) and the old Wellington (unspecified diehards). 16 Dec BSFA: no meeting. A new venue is planned after the 20 Jan event at the usual V&A pub, Marylebone Station. 17 Dec LONDON XMAS MEETING at Hamilton Hall. 27 Dec-3 Jan SCIENCE FICTION, SCIENCE FACT, theme items and events programme at the Science Museum, London. Talks 12:30 each day, repeated 14:30, with Brian Stableford, Mat Irvine, Jack Cohen, John Gribbin, me.... Contact 071 938 8000. 5-7 Feb PENTATONIC (filkery), Rozel Hotel, Weston-super-Mare. [] Now #18 reg; #25 from 1 Jan. Contact: as Sou'Wester. 6 (?) Mar PICOCON 11, Imperial College Union, Prince Consort Rd, SW7 2BB. This is all ye know on earth.... 26-28 Mar TREK DWARF (oh God), Holiday Inn, Leicester. Combines, er, something. #25 reg (#30 from 1 Jan). Contact 47 Marsham, Orton Goldhay, Peterborough, Cambs, PE2 5AN. 8-12 Apr 93 HELICON, 44th Eastercon (+Eurocon), Hotel de France, Jersey. Now #28 reg. Contact `Look On My Works, Ye Mighty', 63 Drake Rd, Chessington, Surrey, KT9 1LQ. 28-31 May MEXICON 5 (vile elitist written-sf con), Hotel St Nicholas, Scarborough. Warning: rates rise from #18 to #20 on 10 Jan. Contact 121 Cape Hill, Smethwick, Warley, B66 4SH. 30 Jul-1 Aug LUNICON (Unicon 14), Leeds. #10 reg, #5 for students. (Time to get out my antediluvian Oxford Union card again.) Contact LUU, PO Box 157, Leeds, LS1 1UH. 1-3 Oct FANTASYCON XVIII, Midland Hotel, Brum. Last issue's Stanley Rd, Morden contact address is now invalid (Mike and Di Wathen have split up and moved). Try Peter Coleborn, 46 Oxford Rd, Acocks Green, Birmingham, B27 6DT. 5-7 Nov NOVACON 23, Royal Angus, Brum (probably). GoH Stephen Baxter. #20 reg; #25 after Easter. Usual address (as Mexicon). #8 supporting membership brings you all the bits of paper but not necessarily an attending place: hotel limit is 350. 1-4 Apr 94 SOU'WESTER, 45th Eastercon, Adelphi Hotel, Liverpool. Now #25 reg. Weary of comments about thievery at the Adelphi, Sou'Wester plans a policy of no at-the-door memberships unless "(a)" the committee knows you, "(b)" someone present vouches for you, "(c)" you have a good ID (passport, driving licence -- thieves never carry these), or "(d)" you write in advance saying `Dear Chris Bell, I am too mean to buy even a #12.50 supporting membership but might just turn up anyway.' Contact 3 West Shrubbery, Redland, Bristol, BS6 6SZ. ? May 94 INCONCEIVABLE, Derby, a second `sf humour' con. #15 reg. Contact 12 Crich Ave, Littleover, Derby, DE23 6ES. 29-31 Jul 94 WINCON III, King Alfred's College, Winchester. #17 reg (rises after 17 April 93). Contact 12 Crowsbury Close, Emsworth, Hants, PO10 7TS. `Ideas' theme. Cor, that rules out a lot of recent sf and fantasy, doesn't it? ### INFINITELY IMPROBABLE ### EVIL UNMASKED: a religious newspaper item tells how someone joined a charismatic church and was soon `making a bonfire of his magic and mystery books -- including expensively leather-bound Denis Wheatley and Arthur C Clark titles.' "(Sic)" [DW] SF ENCYCLOPAEDIA II: THE END. The hard copy and disks were finally and utterly delivered on 16 Nov. Just a few last corrections in proof ... `quite a deal of them, in fact, since Peter Nicholls has only now settled down to actually "read" the fucking thing. "Yes, Peter, this is all good and valuable stuff -- that's why I was asking you for it six months ago."' [PB] GAMES WORKSHOP & BOXTREE VS TRANSWORLD: the battle of `Dark Future' (both a trademarked GW game and a kids' sf series written by Laurence James for Transworld) has led to a great swearing of affidavits. For GW, various authors declare with varying sincerity that they could make vast fortunes from official GW Dark Future novels were it not for this hideous Transworld imposture; in the opposite corner, Rog Peyton (The Expert's Expert) is understood to aver that these game-related books are all crap and can't be sold anyway, even by him.... R.I.P. "Elke Lacey", a children's editor at Methuen and wife of NEL sf editor Humphrey Price, died of cancer on 10 Nov and is survived by their son (born 8 Oct this year). WORLD FANTASY AWARDS: NOVEL "Boy's Life", Robert McCammon; NOVELLA `The Ragthorn', Rob Holdstock & Garry Kilworth; SHORT `The Somewhere Doors', Fred Chappell; ANTHOLOGY "Fourth Annual Year's Best Fantasy & Horror" ed. Terri Windling & Ellen Datlow; COLLECTION "The Ends of the Earth", Lucius Shepard; ARTIST Tim Hildebrandt; etc, etc. IRA TRIES TO BOMB TAFF CANDIDATE! After that failed Nov attempt on Canary Wharf, the booby-trapped getaway car was found near Abigail Frost's flat; she and hundreds more were evacuated in the small hours, and given `the most horrible coffee I'd ever had.' Can this be coincidence? "REM", Arthur Straker's almost legendary small-press sf magazine, celebrates its second issue in a riot of typefaces -- lots of very tiny and/or heavy sanserif, one whole opening section in retina-wrenching `shatter' type, Garry Kilworth's entire story in a `handwritten' face with unindented paragraphs ... good stuff but harder going even than "Ansible". Have the eye lotion ready and rush #1.95 to 19 Sandringham Rd, London, NW2 5EP. CHOCOLATE FLAVOURED POTATO CRISPS, a truly sf concept, are reputedly on trial in Scotland/NE England. Any sightings? [YR] C.O.A. "Jim and Linda Barker" (`Married three years! Please remind people I'm still alive.'), 26 Campfield Street, Falkirk, FK2 7DN. "Mickey Poland", 3 Frances Rd, Erdington, Birmingham, B23 7LD. "Jane Stableford:" God knows. "Thyme" (Aussie sf newsletter), PO Box 222, World Trade Centre, Melbourne, Vic 3005, Australia. "Di Wathen", 54 Sumner House, Maddams St, Bow, London, E3 3RB (`I'm now living with Nick Reynolds -- ex "Dark They Were" and "Forbidden Planet" -- and all is wonderful!'). SO IT GOES. "UK Publisher:" We've done a reprint deal for your book, copies now being printed, you get 50%! "My Agent:" That contract terminated ages ago. You have no right to deal. We get 100%. "Publisher:" Deal? What deal? Never "was" any deal.... Ansible 65 (c) Dave Langford, 1992. Thanks to Paul Barnett, Chris Bell, Harry Bond, Abigail Frost, Steve Jones, Simon Ounsley, David Redd, Yvonne Rousseau, Brian Stableford, Di Wathen, Dave Wood and our hero distributors, now including THYME (Alan Stewart). ADVT: Chuck Death, ie. my brother Jon, urges you to buy his rock cartoon epic GREAT POP THINGS (Penguin #5.99). `This one you should actually read' -- INDEPENDENT. 3/12/92 Posted by Dave Langford ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk ANSIBLE 66 JANUARY 1993 From DAVE LANGFORD, 94 London Road, Reading, Berkshire, RG1 5AU. Fax 0734 669914. ISSN 0265-9816. "Ansible" is available for SAEs, whim, or (moneyed idiots only) #12 per year. ABIGAIL FROST for TAFF! [Disclaimer: Each issue of ANSIBLE is designed for exquisite DTP in multiple fonts. This text dump for CIX and Usenet looks awful. So it goes. DRL] NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS. To become rich enough to attend some conventions. [] If I ever get invited to speak at the Science Museum again, to have a very large drink before casting my polysyllables at a small audience with a heavy six-year-old component. To pour beer over persons in ties who demand a copy of "Ansible" and instantly crumple and discard it on finding it's not (presumably) an insider-dealer newsletter. To remember that there is a subtle difference between Windsor and Winchester. To be nicer henceforth to Orson Scott Card. ### THE LATE BREAKFASTERS ### ORSON SCOTT CARD, during his Hillcon speech [SoB], offered a sweeping critical approach to sf which I have heard authors formulate before, but never so nakedly. The fundamental idea is that there are "no" bad books. Therefore there should be no bad reviews. `Those critics who are condemning other people's work are really saying "I don't understand why people like this. I don't understand why the writer wrote this. I don't get it."' Any and every bad review merely indicates a "dumb critic" who "didn't get it". Sod off if you thought you were a disappointed reader who was short-changed by some lazy, lacklustre sf novel (not that Card himself writes such). You're just dumb. DAVE CARSON wishes to sell you his Lovecraftian t-shirts depicting cuddly gods Nyarlathotep or Yog-Sothoth: #9 to Flat 10, Block J, Peabody Estate, Horseferry Rd, London, SW1P 2EN. "Me:" `Haven't you got one of Shub-Niggurath, the Black Goat With A -- ' "DC:" `Fucked if "I" draw a thousand young.' NICK DANCE of Serendipity Picture Co. was outraged by that Terry Pratchett bit ages ago on the Minehead Space Festival. `His comments about "the arrogant film crew" are un-just, if anyone was arrogant he was, he was well aware who we were and what we were going to film. Also, the "outrageous disclaimer form" he refers to was just a standard broadcast TV release form used by all the major broadcasting companies. He was the only contributor to the documentary that would not sign the form, everyone else, including world famous authors, scientists, artists and special effects designers were happy to sign,' "etc, etc." Your editor grovels at having condensed TP's phrase about the event's weird atmosphere to `amateurish' in "Interzone", this word having vastly offended N.Dance. TP sticks by his view of the film crew: `Maybe it had been a long week and the natural courtesy they'd extended to the other participants had dried up? ... Dance's letter is full of that affronted astonishment professed by TV people when it's suggested that not everyone likes them.' LIONEL FANTHORPE gets about, cropping up in "The Independent" magazine (12 Dec) as tutor of famously precocious lad James Harries (`Only 60,000 words of homework finished this weekend, James? You "must try harder".') and on the guest list of Orycon 15 (Portland, OR, 12-14 Nov 93, with Terry Pratchett), prompting Ben Yalow to muse on Orycon's penchant for us `British humorist types'.... WILLIAM GIBSON's fan past keeps returning to haunt him, most recently in xeroxes of a 1963 "Fanac" newszine containing real Gibson cartoons and a con masquerade report with `young Bill Gibson as a priest of the Beetle God'. Ho ho. [DH] STEVE JONES, Britain's Mr Horror, gloats that he's one of the guests at a vast con marking the 35th anniversary of Forrest J.Ackerman's "Famous Monsters of Filmland" (28-30 May, Arlington, VA, USA) ... along with such luminaries as Ray Bradbury, Robby the Robot and the star of "Attack of the 50 Foot Woman." CHRIS PRIEST got an unsolicited plug when the "Observer" looked back at the Best Young British Writers promotion he featured in long ago, and famous Julian Barnes explained: `Priest always was a chippy bugger.' An unsold Priest book on the horrors of publishing may now be retitled "Chippy Bugger". MAUREEN SPELLER `upset the outgoing editor of the SFRA "[SF Research Association]" review magazine by agreeing with Gary Westfahl's comments on its inadequacy. I freely admit I was very disappointed with the thing when I first received it. I wanted to get in touch with other people interested in the study of sf, to find out what they were doing ... instead, all we get are cruddy little reviews, often not terribly well written.' BRIAN STABLEFORD updates the glum report in "A65": `Oh, by the way, Jane came back just before Christmas.' ROGER WEDDALL, the much-loved Australian fan who made the 1992 DUFF trip to America, died of (essentially) lymphoma on 3 December, aged 36. `A large, gentle and mischievous bloke prone to sending postcards in the traditionally tiny fannish script from unexpected corners of the world.' [JH] `Roger began his fannish career in the 70s ... edited "Thyme", which won the Ditmar for Best Fanzine of 1986 ... in 1991 Typo (residing with Roger) won the Ditmar for Best Fannish Cat. He had known since May 1992 that he had cancer "[and had to curtail his DUFF trip to return for treatment]".' [YR] `It has been proposed that a report of Roger's DUFF trip should be assembled out of short contributions from all those he met and with whom he stayed; the result would serve as a sort of memorial booklet.' [JN] DAVID WINGROVE contributed an awesome article to the "Daily Telegraph" (5 Dec) explaining that poor reviews of his legendary Chung Kuo series have a wicked common cause! `Long before this over-the-top "[BSFA]" editorial appeared, I had been singled out by the British science fiction field for a sin which, for many, went beyond that of the pornographer. I was politically incorrect.' [JN] Um. I felt that some folk were ganging up on DW even before Book 1 came out, but their point seemed to be not so much a question of PC as that his prose was, er, stylistically challenged. ### COURT CIRCULAR ### `GW won their injunction against Bantam/Transworld's DARK FUTURE books, which will now presumably be withdrawn. British justice and the English sense of fair play triumph again!' -- writes Brian Stableford, possibly in tones of mild sarcasm. As "Ansible" readers know, this lawsuit arose because Games Workshop had a game called Dark FutureTM and had published spin-off DARK FUTURE books (mostly by Kim `Jack Yeovil' Newman) before apparently discontinuing the game and their own book venture. Their new co- publishing project with Boxtree starts this month, with no DF books in the launch and none announced for later. (But on an Xmas card Ian Watson writes: `The rest of Kim's and Brian's "[Stableford's]" books are due subsequently.') Meanwhile Transworld have been publishing a series of young-adult books with the overall title DARK FUTURE, by Laurence James, which have incidentally sold a great deal better than the GW titles. GW objected and the lawsuit was on. The law is pretty bloody murky. There is no copyright in titles; anyone can call their new space opera "War and Peace". (Evelyn Waugh's title" Men at Arms" is being recycled by Terry Pratchett in a Discworld novel even now under construction.) Nevertheless Laurence James apparently searched Whitaker's "Books in Print" (plus the entire Essex Library database) to check that DARK FUTURE wasn't currently in use. No mention: it seems GW had got bored with registering books and took to making up their own ISBN numbers instead. What about trademark infringement? British trademark law applies to a distinctive style or logo: anyone can write `IBM' but use of the IBM logo is strictly controlled. The GW and Transworld DARK FUTURE books didn't look at all alike. Transworld (said to have been very supportive of their author) had encouraging affidavits from the Society of Authors, the Publishers' Association and major authors. `Everyone in the book trade,' said my spy, `realized the potential gravity of this case and absolutely everyone rallied around from all quarters.' It was expected throughout the publishing industry that GW's injunction would fail. It succeeded, and early in December Transworld were duly landed with costs of #60,000 plus instructions to get their DARK FUTURE books out of the shops in one week. All this was an interlocutory hearing; an appeal is expected shortly, while the trial proper may be a year off. The charges against Transworld were trademark infringement and `passing off'. The Deputy Judge declined to rule on the latter, so the law remains unclarified. The judgement on trademark infringement "appeared" to follow the line that "(a)" the GW DARK FUTURE books all have clear TM or (R) marks on the cover near the words DARK FUTURE (but they don't; only the GW logo on the back has a TM mark -- and of the three Yeovil DF books here, two refer on the copyright page only to the trademarked status of WARHAMMER, another game altogether); "(b)" if GW had brought out a magazine called "Dark FutureTM", and if Transworld had published its own "Dark Future" magazine, that would have been an infringement owing to the technicalities of `A' and `B' trademarks, of which one applies to mags and the other doesn't (er, yes, but what have magazines got to do with it?); "(c)" for practical purposes there is no difference between a numbered series of books and a magazine or periodical (sickening sound of dropped jaws across the entire publishing industry); "(d)" there was an infringement: injunction granted. It had earlier emerged that one cannot use as a trademark, on a book, `any descriptive phrase'. Happily for GW but to the slight surprise of English grammarians, DARK FUTURE was ruled not to be a descriptive phrase. "Ansible" does not take sides, perish the thought, and lots of sf authors are grateful to GW for generous book advances. But the Transworld lot are bitter about such reputed facts as that GW went into court with a sympathy-winning attitude of `poor little firm being crushed by big firm ... not our fault ... always wanted a compromise' after having initially stormed on Transworld with legal guns blazing and DEMANDED the withdrawal and destruction of all copies, no deals, no compromise; that GW gave sworn evidence that the Boxtree launch wasn't yet going ahead (i.e. was in peril from this wicked passing-off), only to be shown as fibbing thanks to contradictory evidence from the great and good Rog Peyton; above all, that if only GW had acted professionally and registered their bloody titles in the first place this whole nonsense would never have arisen. Before the hearing a GW author had remarked, optimistically, that if GW/Boxtree were to win on a platform of claimed lost sales of DARK FUTURE books, they might feel honour-bound to publish some of the DF epics left in limbo ever since the game was (allegedly) scrapped. We shall see.... ### CONCRESCENCE ### "Infrequent Policy Reminder ... except on rare `Oh God, a whole column to fill' occasions, this listing is generally confined to New, Imminent and Significantly Changed convention entries." 20 Jan BSFA, V&A pub, Marylebone Station. Hot debate planned: `Where Do We Move This Bloody Meeting Next?' 29-31 Jan STARBASE 93 (Trek), Hilton Hotel, Leeds. #30 reg. Contact 152 Otley Rd, Headingley, Leeds, LS16 5JX. 5-7 Feb PENTATONIC (filk), Rozel Hotel, Weston-super-Mare. #25 reg. Contact 3 West Shrubbery, Redland, Bristol, BS6 6SZ. 28-31 May MEXICON 5, Scarborough. #18 reg, #20 "from 10 Jan". GoH (additional): Ian McDonald and Ken Campbell, who will perform his world- acclaimed thingy "Pigspurt". Contact 121 Cape Hill, Smethwick, Warley, B66 4SH. 1-3 Oct FANTASYCON XVIII, Brum. "Yet another" contact address: 137 Priory Rd, Hall Green, Birmingham, B28 0TG. 29-31 Jul 94 WINCON III, King Alfred's Coll, Winchester "... not Windsor as mistyped last issue!" GoH: Algis Budrys, James Hogan. #17 reg (goes up 17 April 93). Contact 12 Crowsbury Close, Emsworth, Hants, P010 7TS. ### INFINITELY IMPROBABLE ### `BUM STEER DEPARTMENT: Don't rush those stories to "Tomorrow"! Editor and owner Algis Budrys, who has purchased the new magazine from the ailing Pulphouse, is "bought up for two years".' [A Foreign Correspondent] CLUB OF THE CRABS! A publicity pack for the new Guy N.Smith Fan Club has shaken my very bowels. Many thrilling Smith memorabilia are offered -- `Wow, you should see those clockwork crabs clicking and shambling, if you've read any of Guy's Crabs series, then it's all really happening and you'll run a mile!' The newsletter spares us the Ultimate Horror of how much it costs; contact 59 Meriden Ave, Wollaston, Stourbridge, W.Midlands, DY8 4QR. R.I.P. `Peyo' (Pierre Culliford), the Belgian cartoonist creator of the dread Smurfs, died on 24 December aged 64. [KH] "BACK BRAIN RECLUSE" magazine now includes a `Directory' of small- press items received and sends offprints of this section (only) to the lucky publishers mentioned. I like the wheeze and am persuaded to do an "Ansible 65" `Directory', consisting of this paragraph. (BBR, PO Box 625, Sheffield, S1 3GY.) SOCIAL WHIRL: svelte playboy "Martin Hoare" and lovely incontinence expert "Jean Owen" plan exciting, whirlwind nuptials in a month or three. "Ansible:" `Does this mean I have to make my famous Best Man speech a "third" time?' "Martin:" `You said it, mate.' "Jean:" `I'm sick of being an Owen, I've been an Owen all my life, I'd much rather be -- ' "Ansible:" `Quite.' C.O.A. "Iain Dickson", 404 Bideford Green, Linslade, Leighton Buzzard, LT7 7TY (`Married Lamorna Cape 26-10-92!'). "Steve & Leah Higgins", 5 rue Charles Desvergnes, Meudon 92190, France. "Nigel Rowe", 6339 North Clark, 2nd Floor, Chicago, 60660-1216, USA, `to move in with new wife Karen Babich'. [JN] ME. After a huge lack of orders for my "Critical Assembly II" review column collection, the original "Critical Assembly" (50 columns, 1987, now revised/expanded) is back out any day now. Same price: #9 (+75p post); #12 abroad, #15.50 airmail. NOT HAZEL'S LANGUAGE LESSONS. "`Me transmitte sursum, Caledoni!'" is one of the useful items in Henry Beard's "Latin For Even More Occasions." `I could do better than "that",' sniffed Hazel. APOLOGIES to Wincon "(qv)" and, apparently, Rog Peyton, whose Great Wrath at "A65" was rumoured but not confirmed. The only written quiz entry was John Dallman's: `I'd guess the Xmas quiz authors are an unread books pile; Ian Watson would be a good candidate for the next.' As instantly guessed by all-knowing Abigail Frost, the authors were those whose titles/quotes have been pinched to head successive "Ansible" `people' columns. ("A65:" James White. "A66": Robert Aickman.) "YOUR NEIGHBOUR MAY BE A SPACE ALIEN:" this traditional tabloid story has now popped up in the USA, with `theoretical biologist Dr Thomas Easton' telling how to spot hidden extraterrestrials by their compulsive buying of Earth books, magazines, computers.... [RB] Ansible 66 (c) Dave Langford, 1993. Thanks to Hazel (chiefly for patience), the Anonymous Admirer, Richard Brandt, John Bark, Cuddles, Jenny Glover (who sent, more in sorrow than in anger, some chocolate flavoured potato crisps), Judith Hanna, David Hartwell, Kim Huett, Joseph Nicholas, Chris Priest, Yvonne Rousseau, Shards of Babel, Ben Yalow, our hero distributors and this issue's Noble Sponsor, David L.Russell of Australia. Oh, and absolutely everybody who sent Xmas cards. I really meant to get around to this myself.... 7/1/93 Posted by Dave Langford ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk ANSIBLE 67 FEBRUARY 1993 From DAVE LANGFORD, 94 London Road, Reading, Berkshire, RG1 5AU. Fax 0734 669914. ISSN 0265-9816. "Ansible" is available for SAEs, whim, or (moneyed idiots only) #12/year, and supports ABIGAIL FROST for TAFF. [Disclaimer: Each issue of ANSIBLE is designed for exquisite DTP in multiple fonts. This text dump for CIX and Usenet looks awful. So it goes. DRL] DR SAMUEL JOHNSON responds to various affronted sf writers quoted in recent "Ansible"s: `An author places himself uncalled before the tribunal of criticism, and solicits fame at the hazard of disgrace.' Well, he would say that, wouldn't he? ### A MISCELLANY OF MEN ### FRANK ARNOLD (1914-87), tutelary spirit of London sf meetings since the 40s, stars in a well-researched 24pp photo-biography by Dave Rowe in "Outworlds 65" (available for whim or $5 from Bill Bowers, PO Box 58174, Cincinnati, OH 45258-0174, USA). `PRINCE PATRICK EZE' of Nigeria honours "Ansible" with an effusive letter asking for the use of its bank account to keep $30,500,000 his `Federal Ministry' has spare, and offering 30% commission for this service. Students of news exposes say these folks' amusing habit is to use the requested bank details, signature and company letterhead to empty your account. I'm most flattered to be thought worth conning.... DAVID GARNETT has a gloat: `25 years ago I invested 5/- (which isn't 25p but six pints!) in surface mailing "Mirror in the Sky" to Damon Knight, who was Berkley's sf consultant. They made me an offer I couldn't refuse ($1,000), and I received the contract exactly 8 weeks after posting the MS. Those were the days.... And some people can still work fast. Boxtree, for example. Signed my 3-book contract with them, they've paid me, printed the books and I now have my copies: all in under a month. I always knew it shouldn't take 12-18 months!' JOHN GRANT raves: `TELEPHONE LINES SIZZLE ACROSS OCEAN AS AUTHOR OF REVISION OF MAJOR REFERENCE BOOK HURLS ABUSE AT CRINGING EDITOR OVER MONUMENTAL COCKUP! No, nothing to do with Peter Nicholls, for once. My advance copy of the "Encyclopaedia of Walt Disney's Animated Characters" has just arrived, and I've already noticed that jolly old Hyperion have left in the old material on the Wuzzles and the Gummi Bears (so you now have two roughly similar 1200-word articles within five pages) while omitting to put in its place the new stuff on "The Prince and the Pauper", which is totally ignored by the book. Could this be the fastest reprint ever of a Grant title?' DAVID HARTWELL is doing another arcane sf anthology, of Xmas stories timed for the 1993 festivities. `By late January he sounded really desperate for stuff,' recounts Brian Stableford.... The deadline was 31 Jan, alas. Buy my story, Hartwell! PATRICK NIELSEN HAYDEN sends a flyer about "Nude Trek 2: The Wrath of Klothes", the first nudist Trek convention, run by The Slugs Nudist Club in chilly Washington State (22 Jan). Perhaps the most macabre aspect is his covering note: `NOT A HOAX'. KIM NEWMAN modestly notes, `I've been up an Alp at a film festival drowning in complimentary champagne and French babes, both of which have unadvertised down-sides.' CHRIS PRIEST watched the recording of "The Glamour" as a BBC radio play (dramatized by Chris himself, directed by Janet Whitaker). `I particularly liked the recently constructed, purpose built radio drama studio. It was a surreal place ... built to allow just about every conceivable aural circumstance. One bit was carpeted, another had bare boards, another flagstones, another gravel, etc. The staircase linking the two levels has three "strips": bare wood (institutions), carpet (houses) and stone (dungeons). There are numerous different doors to be slammed, opened, rattled, locked. I poked around, trying to imagine what someone would think were they to wake up in the room without knowing what it was used for. `I assumed radio plays were recorded with a group of actors holding scripts and standing around one microphone. ("Ahem, only "The Archers" is done like that!" they said as they ticked me off.) The way my lot did it was almost like a stage play. The fight scene was meticulously rehearsed, with all the punches and "oof" noises arranged so they were close to microphones: several takes, with much falling over and bruising. Bed scenes are recorded in a bed (which folds out of the wall), with sheets! "God, if I'd known this," I said, "I'd have put in a scene in a swimming pool." The sound man visibly paled. "We don't like swimming pool scenes...." Nor do they like scenes in cars: too many noises that change all the time (gears, traffic, etc) and which have to be timed to the script. They still cut cabbages in half for beheadings ("not much call for that these days"), but I saw no coconut shells anywhere. The sound of a ring-pull beer can defies aural science: they had to go down to the vending machine and buy a few cans of Coke. `A highlight was listening to the effects people build up a car bomb from scratch, beginning with a dynamite explosion (sounded a bit like a door slamming), then layers added to give echo, reverberation, windows shattering, metal lumps skidding down the road, ground juddering, windows rattling, people screaming, alarm bells going. When this was played to the actors, two of them ducked -- I too jumped out of my skin, and I knew it was coming! The BBC people were so pleased with it that they put it into the effects library. Me: "Here, that's "my" car bomb!" They: "Sorry, squire, it's ours now." `All lost, of course, as it squirts uselessly through the 2" speaker on a transistor radio.... But I was awed by the manifest professionalism and hard work of it all; felt shagged out at the end, and I was just watching.' [CP] "Broadcast scheduled for BBC Radio 4 on Easter Monday evening. CP is also toiling on a 3-part TV drama serial commissioned by BBC2 and called THE CULL." DAVID REDD is getting there slowly: `My last "New Worlds" story submission was bounced as usual, but Dave Garnett says he is quoting part of my covering letter in his editorial. Maybe I should forget stories and simply write covering letters.' GUY N.SMITH sends the vital datum not available last issue: his fan club costs #10/year, #25/life. Members get 10% off rare GNS books, including Polish editions -- amaze friends with the Polish for "Phobia" ("Fobia"), "The Sucking Pit" ("Trzesawisko"), "Fiend" ("Szatan") and "Crabs on the Rampage" ("Odwet").... ### CONFRICATION ### 5-7 Feb PENTATONIC (filk), Rozel Hotel, Weston-super-Mare. #25 reg. Too late now to do anything but Just Turn Up. Or in my case, Just Shudder And Stay Home. 17 Feb BSFA: V&A pub on Marylebone Station, moving to the Conservatory -- Cafe Munchen that was -- in March, with a likely change to "2nd Wed" each month. (To be confirmed.) 6-7 Mar MICROCON, Exeter University. GoH Colin Greenland. Contact 24 Buddle Lane, Exeter, EX4 1JH. ASTONISHING DEVELOPMENT! UNPRECEDENTED NOVELTY! DOES NOT CLASH WITH -- 13 Mar PICOCON, Imperial College Union, Prince Consort Rd, London. 10am-11pm; #5 reg. `Changed date.' 19 Mar BRITISH FANTASY SOC open night with Karl Edward Wagner: Falkland Arms, Bloomsbury Way, WC1. 6:30pm on. 19-21 Mar ECONOMY II (Shoestringcon XIV), Hatfield. GoH Storm Constantine. #8 reg, UH students/PSIFA members #5. Contact PSIFA, UHSU, U of Herts, Hatfield, Herts, AL10 9AB. 26-28 Mar TREK DWARF, Swallow Hotel, Peterborough (so says the latest, infallible "Small Fry" listing -- but the last con PR I saw indicated a move to the Holiday Inn, Leicester. Surely they didn't move back again?). #35 reg. Contact 47 Marsham, Orton Goldhay, Peterborough, Cambs, PE2 5AN. 8-12 Apr HELICON, Eastercon/Eurocon, Jersey. #28 reg. Contact 63 Drake Rd, Chessington, Surrey, KT9 1LQ. A travel deal: `Jersey European does return flights Gatwick/Jersey for #69/#79 depending on time of day. 4 flights a day out, 3 back -- is there a pile of planes at Jersey airport?' [CC] "Sally-Ann Melia" demands mega-publicity for her Helicon Writer's Circle: contact her at 11 Spinney Drive, Cheswick Green, Solihull, B90 4HB. (`"Don't ask" how I'll manage if 13 writers arrive speaking 13 different languages.') "Helicon Person:" `A bit of luck: fewer people have joined than expected so we needn't print as many PRs and have more cash in hand!' "Ansible:" `... My brain hurts.' 28-31 May MEXICON 5, Scarborough. Now #20 reg. Contact 121 Cape Hill, Smethwick, Warley, B66 4SH. PR2 with a Mexican Xmas greeting was amusingly mailed in late January. 1-3 Oct VOCON, Hitcher con; Tollgate Hotel, Gravesend. Now #18 reg. Contact 17 Guildford St, Brighton, BN1 3LS. 1-4 Apr 94 SOU'WESTER, Eastercon, Liverpool. #20 reg. Contact 3 West Shrubbery, Redland, Bristol, BS6 6SZ. Presupporters should curb their excitement at the Jan "Brum Group News" report of an `#18.00 discount' and send #18, not #2. Easter 94 ELYDORE, media, Guernsey. Vast package deal (plane, hotel and registration); pay #??? by instalments. Contact `High Hopes', La Vrangue, St Peter Port, Guernsey, C.I. 24-8 Aug 95 INTERSECTION, 53rd Worldcon, Glasgow. Rates multifarious, with intricate discounts; new rates apply from 1 Jan, but no figures have reached me. Contact: as Mexicon. "Rumblings" The AUSTRALIA IN 1999 Worldcon bid feels it's too early as yet for presupporting memberships (publicity help is preferred), a bidding committee, a city or a hotel. To avoid favouring any plausible venue, the `Advertising Committee' is interestingly restricted to Faulconbridge (pop. 1500) fans and their pals. Contact them at 43 Chapman Pde, Faulconbridge, NSW 2776, Australia. `The ANNE RICE signing at Forbidden Planet was as popular as feared. The two-hour queue did a triple conga line round the Conservatory, out the back door and up the stairs. People started to read their books at the back of the queue and had finished by the front. Even Terry Pratchett would have tipped his hat in disbelief.' [SJ] ### INFINITELY IMPROBABLE ### CLARKE AWARD SHORTLIST for best novel of 1992: Ian McDonald, "Hearts, Hands and Voices"; Marge Piercy, "Body of Glass"; Kim Stanley Robinson, "Red Mars"; Richard Paul Russo, "Destroying Angel"; Michael Swanwick, "Stations of the Tide"; Sue Thomas, "Correspondence"; Lisa Tuttle, "Lost Futures"; Connie Willis, "Doomsday Book". (Also `bloody good but ineligible' commendations to Karen Joy Fowler's "Sarah Canary" and M.John Harrison's "The Course of the Heart".) Winner to be announced 25 March at the Groucho Club, London: 6pm for 7:30pm. [DVB] All are welcome, but take out a large bank loan if you plan to buy any drinks. DREDD WORDS: a leak about `the new Judge Dredd series that Virgin are starting. They're planning to launch with two titles rather than three, having seen a synopsis and "15,000 words" of specimen text from three authors ... one of whom, fantasist Stephen Marley, was given the thumbs-down by Fleetway for his characterization of Dredd as a brutal, ruthless, heartless, one-track-minded fascist bastard -- because he's not, you see, that kind of guy at all.' The Dredd novel contracts have an unusual "descending" royalty scale: `This is apparently because Fleetway's percentage ascends so sharply with increased sales that everyone else has to absorb part of it. Good pay for not reading their own comics, eh, if their strictures on Dredd's characterization are anything to go by....' [PB] APOSTROPHE WATCH. It seems this `Swiss' bakery in Teignmouth has a placard offering (wait for it) gateau'x. [YR] But the most depressing thing I've seen in a recent fanzine is the Retired Fan Teachers' Consensus (Derek Pickles, Terry Jeeves) that today's kids should be told "never" to use apostrophes, as experience shows they will only use them wrong. "[Stet 7]" Gawd. LA FANZINE HORROR! `At last night's Los Angeles SF Soc meeting it was announced that Loscon 19 had generated profits of over $4,000 for the club. This after the club decided to save money by not publishing its fanzine "Shaggy" and to cut back its newsletter "De Profundis" to bimonthly or quarterly. Nor will any of that $4,000 be used to pay back APA-L, which lost a working mimeograph and spirit duplicator, and other hardware, when Robbie Cantor threw it all into a trash container. Several hundred dollars' worth of functioning fanzine production gear are now in some landfill in LA County.' [HA, 8 Jan] PARENTAL LAMENT. `My daughter has just constructed her first pair of cardboard Mr Spock ears. "Where did I go wrong?"' [DR] HOGU AWARDS: "File 770:96" lists 1992 winners of these uncoveted trophies, including BEST HOAX AWARD the 1992 Fanzine Hugo; BEST DEAD WRITER William Shatner; MOST DESIRED GAFIATION Charles N.Brown; BANGER AWARD (what?) Lionel R.Fanthorpe; INVISIBILITY AWARD "The Last Dangerous Visions". [EW/MG] TEN YEARS AGO -- a Californian auction featured asbestos-bound editions of "Fahrenheit 451" and "Firestarter", though not the legendary Complete H.P.Lovecraft bound in gorgonzola.... HAZEL'S LANGUAGE LESSONS: ESKIMO. "nivgornerqutigssag", something to take away the taste of fish; "orssunguvoq", feels sick from having eaten too much blubber; "sungarnit", the intestines of the ptarmigan; "pingortorpoq", unlucky in throwing the harpoon; "qavak", man from the south -- frequently used to denote stupidity; "suingne!" how it smells of foxes here! ("Schultz-Lorentzen Dictionary of W.Greenland Eskimo Language", 1927.) CLARKE'S LAW REVISED: `Any technology distinguishable from magic is insufficiently advanced.' [Jeff Swycaffer, "F770:96"] DARK FUTURETM: the "A66" report on the legal battle over this title brought outraged responses.... "Abigail Frost:" `Boring, "boring"!' [] "Kim Newman:" `I feel mildly guilty since I was the one who mentioned the coincidence "[of titles]" to GW and Boxtree; I assumed they'd just change the title of our series and grumble a bit.... Incidentally: I've never liked the title much, and I've always felt that the books were hamstrung rather than helped by the games tie-in. My suggestion is that a duly sworn-in jury of literary critics and young adults sit down and read both series then judge who should yield, the loser being stuck with the DARK FUTURE title and the winner able to go ahead with something more imaginative. If ever there was an overused word in the genre it's "dark", which gets scattered about as much as "space" and "time" used to in the Gernsback days.... If Kafka were writing today, he'd have called it "The Dark Castle".' "Laurence James:" `The judgment reminds me of the infamous Schleswig-Holstein issue. Which I'm sure you'll recall was so complex that only three men ever understood it. One went mad, one is dead and the third has forgotten....' "David Garnett" corrected me sternly: `The GW books "do" have genuine ISBN numbers; where they went wrong was not having the titles listed in "Books in Print". And it was always planned that GW/Boxtree would relaunch the DARK FUTURE books. [Originally] they intended to start the WARHAMMER line in January (now February) and DARK FUTURE in August -- it was the launch of the latter which was under threat because of the Transworld series.... The only people who have anything to gain by the court case are, as always, the lawyers. Between them, Bantam/Transworld and GW have spent the best part of #100,000 in legal fees. And how much can B/T have paid Laurence James for his series?' "Boxtree" announced a GW books launch piss-up in Oxford next week. And "Protostellar" magazine raged, `You utter sad case, you've stolen our GW vs Transworld scoop -- just who the heck do you think you are?' [] Ansible 67 (c) Dave Langford, 1993. Thanks to Harry Andruschak, Paul Barnett, David V.Barrett, Chris Cooper, Abigail Frost, Mike (File 770) Glyer, Steve Jeffery, John Julius Norwich, Shadwell Oman, Chris Priest (lots), David Redd, Yvonne Rousseau, Elst Weinstein and Our World- Spanning Hero Distributors. 4/2/93 Posted by Dave Langford ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk ANSIBLE 68 MARCH 1993 From DAVE LANGFORD, 94 London Road, Reading, Berkshire, RG1 5AU. Fax 0734 669914. ISSN 0265-9816. "Ansible" is available for SAEs, whim, or (wealthy idiots only) #12/year. Vote early, vote often: ABIGAIL FROST for TAFF! [Disclaimer: Each issue of ANSIBLE is designed for exquisite DTP in multiple fonts. This text dump for CIX and Usenet looks awful. So it goes. DRL] ### SIDEWAYS THROUGH BORNEO ### STEPHEN BAXTER boldly went to the GW/Boxtree launch party (Dillons, Oxford, 10 Feb): `The lead authors gave brief talks and answered questions from a tolerant audience. D.Ferring told us how he'd taken all the jokes out of the Konrad books, J.Yeovil told us how the lead in "Drachenfels" is based on Orson Welles, and I.Watson told us how war- gaming dates back to H.G.Wells in 1913, and went on to explain to the startled gathering that WARHAMMER fiction has a certain integrity because -- just as in the Warhammer game -- for most of history humanity has been driven by mass psychoses based on power fantasies. "Yes, but look on the bright side!" we all cried.' DON HERRON reports from death's door: `I may have been the last person to see the poet and film critic Margo Skinner (Mrs Fritz Leiber the 2nd) alive. After a short hospitalization, she died Jan 13th from lung cancer. A month earlier Jeanne and I had stopped into her apartment, where she told us of her wishes for burial, which involved having her cat Lulu cremated with her. In the elevator, this dialogue ensued: JEANNE: "Uh, did I hear right? She is going to have her cat killed and cremated with her?" ME: "Yeah, you know, the Viking funeral thing." The folk handling her estate, however, have decided against this plan, so I can report to "Ansible" that Margo's and Lulu's ashes will "not" be mixed with some from Fritz's urn, and will "not" then, according to Margo's plan, be interred in a pet cemetery in Marin County. JEANNE: "And she wants to be buried in a pet cemetery???" ME: "Well, sure -- you know Margo."' KIM HUETT has a modest proposal. `Avedon "["you will have to die!"]" is being a little harsh. Rather than go to such extremes if you win any more Hugos, I would prefer it if the assembled fans at the pub just pointed their fingers at you and chanted "Geis, Geis, Geis" for a couple of hours....' KEITH LAUMER died on 23 January, aged 67. STEPHEN MARLEY (see "A67") `rewrote his 15,000 sample words to feature the new, cuddly Judge Dredd ("Take "that!", er, please, ma'am") and has been signed up for the third Dredd novel after all.' [JG] But we hear negotiations got fraught when the full tininess of the `generous' advance was revealed. Spies claim there is a further agonizing choice: accept the amazing Dredd descending royalty scale or take a (somewhat increased) flat fee and kiss your rights goodbye.... SCOTT MEREDITH, legendary sf literary agent, died in New York on 11 Feb. He was 69. The "Independent" obituary claimed that one British author had laughed riotously at the news, while another said `Good!' Whom can they possibly mean? CHARLES PLATT reveals in "SF Eye" that he (like Greg Benford) plans to have his head frozen and cryonically stored for a glorious future wakening. Certain authors have been `imagining the reactions of the resuscitated Platt and Benford when they realize they were interesting only for having lived at the same time as that Great Writer, Ursula Le Guin....' [YR] MAUREEN SPELLER has overdosed on fantasy proofreading: `The author, an American, had a curious style. Tootling along in the usual sub-archaic mode, you'd come across comments like "It's just something cultural", in reference to a tribe's habit of giving a child a new name at a certain age.... Not a verb, subject or object was allowed to escape without more than its fair share of adjectivery and adverbiage. And the author had a habit of making passive states active. It's amazing the way emotions were flying around, assaulting people in the most unlikely places at the most unlikely moments. They did a lot of spiralling down, as I recall -- a phrase which now enters Speller's Guide to Spotting Naff Fantasy, lovingly dedicated to Tom Deitz and Charles de Lint, the other two major research sources so far.... Giveaway phrases in modern fantasies are "snagged" and "slathered". If people "snag" things rather than picking them up, as do we less imaginative but more practical mortals, this is one sign that you have a naff fantasy on your hands. The bulk of my opprobrium is saved for "slather". I just know, the moment someone in a novel slathers their food with something, that I'm going to hate this story. Perhaps it is the similarity to "lather" ... visions of bubbly mustard or butter being shovelled on to food is more than this stomach can bear.' LUCY SUSSEX wrote on the back of an obscene postcard: `More on Brother Orson "[Card]" -- in a belated "F&SF" review of Aussie George Turner's "Brainchild", he complained that the novel was too Australia- centric! Also, he couldn't believe that the research in the book (which takes place in good old Aussie labs) could possibly occur outside of the US of A. George wrote back to say that many US technologies are based on research done by Australia's very own CSIRO. No reply as yet....' ### CONDITE ### LONDON FIRST-THURSDAY MEETINGS. Enough. As fannish turn-out declines, the steady drop in "Ansible"'s required print run is fine for my bank account ... but even tolerant Langford can no longer stand that hideous crush at the Hamilton Hall Permanent Beer Promotion. In February, pink flyers urged an instant move to the Florence Nightingale, 199 Westminster Bridge Rd. Other fans mutter of regrouping at the old Wellington, now revamped with the same total area but 1/3 of it a wine bar with its own street entrance. Yet others are seeking the Ideal venue lurking among the Platonic Forms ("Bernie Peek:" `We've already rejected better places than the Nightingale!'). Those based in Reading can only say they'd prefer even a mildly unsuitable pub to the present bloody impossible one. 5 MARCH ADDENDUM! On 4 March a new Hamilton Hall atrocity (closing the whole `fan bar' for a private party) led to a clear vote for return to the Wellington in April. For new readers: this pub is opposite the Old Vic exit from Waterloo Station. 6-7 Mar MICROCON, Exeter University Union. GoH Colin Takebackplenty. Contact 24 Buddle Lane, Exeter, EX4 1JH. 10 Mar (and "2nd Wed" of month henceforth) BSFA, upstairs bar, The Conservatory (Cafe Munchen), St Giles High St. Speaker: Mary Scott of "Nudists May Be Encountered" fame. 13 Mar PICOCON, Imperial College Union, Prince Consort Rd, London. GoH Colin Thatmanagain. 10am-10pm; #5 reg. 19 Mar BRITISH FANTASY SOC open night with Karl Edward Wagner: Falkland Arms, Bloomsbury Way, WC1. 6:30pm on. 19-21 Mar ECONOMY II (Shoestringcon XIV), Hatfield. GoH Storm Constantine. #8 reg, UH students/PSIFA members #5. Contact PSIFA, UHSU, U of Herts, Hatfield, Herts, AL10 9AB. 25 Mar CLARKE AWARD presentation, Soho Room, Groucho Club, Dean St, London. 6pm for 7:30pm. All welcome. 26-8 Mar ACTION 93 (Trek), Shepperton Moat House. #30-#40 reg. Contact 12 Saville Cres, Ashford, TW15 1SX. 8-12 Apr HELICON, Eastercon/Eurocon, Jersey. #28 reg. Contact 63 Drake Rd, Chessington, Surrey, KT9 1LQ. 30 Apr WEDDING OF THE CENTURY! Jean Owen and Martin Hoare, `if I find that copy of the decree absolute...' [MAH] 24 Jul DANGERCON V (humorous sf/kids' TV), Croydon. #3 reg. 11am- 11pm. Contact 37 Keens Rd, Croydon, CR0 1AH. 2-6 Sep CONFRANCISCO (51st Worldcon), San Francisco: rates rise from $110 to $125 on 1 Apr. ($25 supporting-only.) For sterling rates, contact 12 Stannard Rd, London, E8 1DB. 10-12 Sep STO-CON-TRENT (roleplaying), Keele Univ. #15 reg to Easter. Contact 12b Sprowston Rd, Norwich, NR3 4QN. 1-4 Apr 94 SOU'WESTER, Eastercon, Liverpool. #25 reg, #23 for paid-up presupporters. Contact 3 West Shrubbery, Redland, Bristol, BS6 6SZ. "(Last issue I forgot the rates had risen. Sorry.)" 24-8 Aug 95 INTERSECTION, 53rd Worldcon, Glasgow. At last, the 1993 rates: #50, with Presupporter/`Friend'/Voter bargains ... P #45, V #35, PV #30, F #15, FP #10, FV/FPV free. #15 supporting (P #10, F/V free). "P and F discounts cease on 30 Apr 93" (Fs become plain-vanilla supporters); other rates OK to 15 Sep. [TI] Contact: 121 Cape Hill, Smethwick, Warley, B66 4SH. "Rumblings" News from BOSKONE: `Tim Illingworth "bought a round!" Oh, and Boston might be dropping their 1998 Worldcon bid -- the rumour is they've lost the Sheraton Hotel to a conference of gynaecologists or something.' [MAH] ### INFINITELY IMPROBABLE ### SECRETS OF PUBLISHING. "Editor:" I'll be back with an offer tomorrow! "New, Accountant-Driven Hodder Costing System:" Not so fast. Every costing (be it the new Jeffrey Archer hardback -- as it won't be any longer -- or 15,000 copies of a #3.99 paperback original) must now include a blanket #5,000 for `overheads'. "Prospective Author:" Bloody hell, after mark-up that's over #1.65 of the said paperback cover price, not much below the unit production cost of the book! It'll have to be priced at #4.99, just like most paperbacks these days. "Dynamic Hodder Sales People:" Sorry, squire, #3.99 is the ceiling. "Editor:" Sorreee.... FORWARD THE FOUNDATION: at a final meeting on 4 Feb the SF Foundation Council voted itself into oblivion, with effect as soon as `Friends of Foundation' achieve charitable status and Take Over. The SFF's new home Liverpool University is hiring an assistant librarian as administrator of the sf collection. Though urged to publicize this career opportunity, I note the deadline (CV and 3 referees essential) is tomorrow, 5 March.... RESEARCH YOUR MARKET: `"Critical Wave", which has never published prose or poetry....' [Steve Green, "CW29"] TIME WARP. Chris Priest is bemused by the letter column of the latest "Asimov's". `All the letters are headed with "Dear Dr Asimov". Are they all old letters? Are they all from cretins? Or does the magazine put the salutations on, like a communist regime refusing to admit the old leader is really dead?' TAFF DEATH RACE: gosh, the tension! M.Ashley offers the well-tested `Vote for me, I'm ill' ploy. T.Berry was denounced in the USA as a fraud for claiming to be a founder of Frank's APA (er, there's been more than one Frank's). A.Watkins took a vow of silence and A.Frost is toying with local politics. Nigel Richardson analyses the issues for MA: `All [Abi] has to do is state in her platform that she's female, single, heterosexual, has a posh voice and a couple of short, clingy dresses, and you're history. But she'll probably rave on about John Clute, Polish parliamentary reform in the 18th century and Lloyd George's underpants instead.' ("Saliromania 9") PSYCHIC VIBES: Damien Broderick of "The Lotto Effect" fame ("A65") mutters about incurring `the predictable derision of all great minds' with this psi study, and complains that our informant Yvonne Rousseau failed to mention having helped by reading an early draft, or that her hubby John Foyster, `who now sees right through it all, originally suggested that I look at the Lotto data as a natural experiment on psi claims ... Foyster, who does know a lot of stats, suggested a non-psi explanation for part of my results but got very sour around the bile- emitting organ when I mentioned that his terrific insight actually seems to "support" a paranormal interpretation.' LATERAL THINKING: fans completing the recent BSFA "Matrix" Crossword #5 noticed a haunting similarity between their answers and the purported Crossword #4 solution just opposite.... C.O.A. "Foundation" (editorial), Edward James, Univ of York, The King's Manor, York, YO1 2EP. "Foundation" (business) & "Friends of Foundation", c/o New Worlds, 71-2 Charing Cross Rd, WC2H 0AA. "SF Foundation" (& "Foundation" reviews), c/o Special Collections, Liverpool Univ Library, PO Box 123, Liverpool, L69 3DA. "Oliver & Jacky Gruter- Andrew", 13 St Cloud's Rd, Auckland Hill, West Norwood, SE27 9PN. "Second Foundation", c/o Special Collections, Imperial Library, Trantor. WORK IN PROGRESS. "Rob Hansen" is toiling on "Then #4", his history of 1970s British fandom, packed with nostalgia and once-awesome names like Leroy Kettle, Peter Roberts, Joy Hibbert.... "Don Herron" bribes me with "Selected Letters of Philip K.Dick: Vol 4 1975-6" (Underwood- Miller $39.95), which he edited -- ace stuff. Tim Powers's introduction relates how PKD found he had the power to forgive sins: `How many people have you absolved?' `Well, none, Powers. Today I've decided I was mistaken, and yesterday you weren't home, and when I called Jeter he got huffy and said he didn't want his sins forgiven. ... So I just forgave my cats' sins.' "Chris Priest" is writing the biography of UK astronaut Helen Sharman. UPDATETM! Rumour has it that Games Workshop have been serving writs on distributors and bookshops (including Waterstones) who still handled the Laurence James DARK FUTURETM titles in defiance of the injunction against ... well, actually, only against their publishers (Transworld, whose appeal comes to court next week). Meanwhile Brian Aldiss is reportedly not best pleased that his "GreybeardNot TM" title is being pinched for a new P.D.James novel from Faber -- who published the original Aldiss book but appear to have forgotten. "MILLION" magazine has (alas) dropped in circulation to 2,000. BUMPER STICKERS. Never thought I'd see a good twist on the `I [Heart] New York' theme, but recently I came across `I [Spade] My Cat'. ### THE CAUCUS-RACE ### NEBULAS: the novel shortlist consists of "A Million Open Doors" (John Barnes), "Sarah Canary" (Karen Joy Fowler), "China Mountain Zhang" (Maureen F.McHugh), "A Fire Upon the Deep" (Vernor Vinge), "Doomsday Book" (Connie Willis) and "Briar Rose" (Jane Yolen). [AP/"SFC"] [] P.K.DICK AWARD nominations are "Take Back Plenty" (Colin Ubiquitous), "Through the Heart" (Richard Grant), "AEstival Tide" (Elizabeth Hand), "Iron Tears" (R.A.Lafferty) and "In the Mothers' Land" (Elisabeth Vonarburg). CLARKE AWARD. The official release called "Sarah Canary" and M.John Harrison's "The Course of the Heart" `ineligible', but judge Maureen Speller disagrees. `They weren't chosen, is all, but were liked by enough people to make it worth an honourable mention. For someone who makes his living as a freelance writer, David V.Barrett "[the Clarke administrator]" sure has trouble with the language sometimes.' Current backstage wrangling concerns Maurice Goldsmith of the Science Policy Foundation (what does this actually "do"?), who seems grimly determined to stay a Clarke judge in perpetuity while others rotate out of office as per the rules.... BSFA AWARDS. Novels are "Hot Head" (Simon Ings), "Hearts, Hands & Voices" (Ian McDonald), "Red Mars" (Kim Stanley Robinson), "Lost Futures" (Lisa Tuttle) and "Doomsday Book". Shorts, all but one from "Interzone": `Priest of Hands' (Storm Constantine), `Reification Highway' (Greg Egan), `The Sculptor' (Garry Kilworth), `Returning' (Ian McLeod), `Innocents' (Ian McDonald, "New Worlds 2") and `The Coming of Vertumnus' (Ian Watson). Artwork, all covers: "Hearts, Hands & Voices" (Jim Burns), "Kaeti on Tour/IZ66" (ditto), "IZ65" (Mark Harrison), "IZ58" (SMS) and "Doomsday Book" (an NEL `Sod Off, We're Not Crediting A Mere Artist' special). Dramatic presentation: "Insufficient Votes to Warrant an Award" (directed by Roger Corman). Martin Hoare adds: `I hear the BoSFA aren't holding their AGM or presenting their awards at Helicon. Going to be Mexicon instead. Maybe they'd heard what we were going to do -- schedule the AGM "and" award presentation against each other at 10:00am on Sunday!' Quoth the BSFA: `Once again: we can't hold company AGMs on Jersey because of its offshore status.' Tra la. [] Ansible 68 (c) Dave Langford, 1993. Thanks to Paul Barnett, CRITICAL WAVE, John Grant, Martin Hoare's E-Mail Link, Kim Huett (credit by request: `Ansible's Keeper of Those Exotic Rubber Extras'), Tim Illingworth, Andy `Mad Faxman' Porter, Chris Priest, Yvonne Rousseau, SF CHRONICLE, Maureen Speller and Our World-Spanning Hero Distributors. 4/3/93 Posted by Dave Langford ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk ANSIBLE 69 APRIL 1993 From DAVE LANGFORD, 94 London Road, Reading, Berkshire, RG1 5AU. Fax 0734 669914. ISSN 0265-9816. "Ansible" is available for SAEs, whim, or (idiots only) #12/year. Amazing final offer: vote ABIGAIL FROST for TAFF! [Disclaimer: Each issue of ANSIBLE is designed for exquisite DTP in multiple fonts. This text dump for CIX and Usenet looks awful. So it goes. DRL] DATELINE 1 APRIL 1993. Tim Illingworth announces that owing to Channel Islands `fish war' disruptions, Helicon is moving to a more desirable hotel in Leeds. "Interzone" makes a bid for the mass market by introducing Page Three nudes, beginning with Anne McCaffrey. David Wingrove complains to the BSFA that his new Chung Kuo volume was obtusely reviewed and unfairly over-praised. Twenty-five years after the acceptance of its first story, "The Last Dangerous Visions" appears. [] John Clute writes an entire review in monosyllables ("sard, pyx, brott, quop, storge, tath" ...). "Ansible" finally achieves an error-free issue, and so does "Cirtical Waev". [] ### THE REVELLING PRINCELINGS ### BRIAN ALDISS was first to hope that "Ansible" #"soixante-neuf" would be `an extra sexy issue'. See our attached erotic microdot. JOHN BRUNNER's trip to Helicon as GoH met with a problem. The Home Office took charge of his wife Li Yi's passport last October and were still sitting on it in March. JB's fear was that Li Yi, as a Chinese immigrant, might just be queried and not re-admitted to the mainland. But (after a small campaign of letters from fellow-authors and fans) all is now well.... PAUL BARNETT can match Maureen Speller's proofreading stories in "A68:" `In a single story by Alan Brennert for "New Stories from the Twilight Zone" we find a pre-Colombian Indian priest who's familiar (by name) with Stoicism and whose culture is familiar with chorales. His religion is based on the ethical precepts of Christianity. Meanwhile, in the modern age, we have a man at the point of death realizing that it's "time to pay the piper", though quite why he should want to call the tune at that moment is not explained. Perhaps to take his mind off the fact that he's seeing a babble of voices.... Another Brennertism: "Eyes closed, images raced through his mind." `As Peter Nicholls has suddenly backed out, I am to be drafted as his "Encyclopaedia"-promoting clone at Helicon. "Yes," I protested weakly, "but can I cope with all the casual sex?"' HARLAN ELLISON is said to be visiting Britain in connection with a TV programme being made about him. Spurred on by helpful John Clute, the TV company repeatedly begged Chris Priest to appear and be controversial. `This is an eleven foot bargepole request,' quoth CP, preparing to afflict Mr Clute with `a telephonically transmitted psychic death- ray'.... After Helicon decided it already had enough guests, the 1995 Intersection committee took up HE's offer of a Helicon appearance if his expenses were paid. However, Barry R.Levin's book catalogue, mailed 18 Mar, announces: `At the time of this writing, Harlan Ellison is faced with the prospect of open heart surgery.' Some people worry that an agenda involving both a 5,000-mile flight and a imminent dash to hospital for life-saving surgery is rich in what sf critics call Cognitive Dissonance. PATRICK NIELSEN HAYDEN reveals all: `What became of "Alternate Skiffy" is the common problem of small-press projects: I was out of commission for weeks due to quitting smoking, Mike "[Resnick]" went to Africa, I got sick again, Mike was tangled up in lawyers.... Since our agreement with giant Wildside Press calls for us to get paid on delivery of a MS, we need to get those (several) delinquent contributors to finish their bits, then get everyone's penny a word to them....' GARRY KILWORTH's story `The Sculptor' topped the 1992 "Interzone" reader poll, as did Mark Harrison's cover for "IZ65", Martin McKenna's interior art and ... `Ansible Link' (nonfiction). [DP] MAUREEN F.MCHUGH won the James Tiptree Jr award for `gender- expanding sf' with her novel "China Mountain Zhang". LEIGH PRIEST (Kennedy) acquired British citizenship by taking what I didn't know we Brits had -- our Oath of Allegiance.... DAVID PRINGLE was `astonished' to discover that some fans are still anti-"Interzone" thanks to its initial funding (profits from the 1981 Eastercon, Yorcon II). No complaints about this ever reached "him".... `What I am aware of, though, is a sniping campaign against the magazine which has been mounted over the years by various BSFA "worthies" (Kev McVeigh is an egregious example), a campaign which has consisted of constant damning with faint praise, nudge-nudge snide remarks, assertions that "everybody knows" this or that or the other about the magazine, implications that the fiction we publish is generally below par (without ever being specific about which stories they have in mind), and so on. Chris Reed of "BBR" has added his voice to this low-level sniping ... but of course he's an "envious rival" and hence has an obvious motive. For the most part, I haven't let it bother me -- though after seeing a belittling comment about "Interzone" by old-time fan Terry Jeeves in a "Vector" letter column, I said to myself, "I bet he hasn't seen the magazine since issue one," and sent him a recent copy. Sure enough, he kindly wrote back saying that he hadn't looked at the magazine in over ten years and that, yes, it was now a much better publication than he had expected.' [DP] IAN WATSON, golden boy of UK sf, is 50 on 20 April. ### CONYGER ### LONDON MEETINGS. In March a new Hamilton Hall atrocity (closing the `fan bar' for a private party) led to a clear vote for return to the Wellington. For new readers: this pub is opposite the Old Vic exit from Waterloo Station. First Thur each month. 3 Apr SF FOUNDATION `farewell to London' gathering, upstairs bar of The Conservatory (see BSFA below). All welcome. 8-12 Apr HELICON, Eastercon/Eurocon, Hotel de France, Jersey. #35 at the door or #10/day (#5 on Thur and Mon). Owing to insanity I am editing the convention newsletter; part-time typists and suppliers of hot gossip are eagerly sought. 14 Apr BSFA, The Conservatory, St Giles High St, London. (Tottenham Ct Rd tube.) Sf discussion; all welcome, no fee. 16-18 Apr SMOFCON 10, con-runners' con, as Helicon. 30 Apr-3 May WARP ONE (Trek), Morecambe. #30 reg. Contact 9 Merlin Cres, Edgeware, Middlesex,, HA8 6JB. 28-31 May MEXICON 5, Scarborough. #20 reg. Contact 121 Cape Hill, Smethwick, Warley, B66 4SH. 30 Jul-1 Aug LUNICON (Unicon 14), Leeds U, announces Roger Zelazny as chief GoH. #12 reg (price rise threatened; no details of when). Contact LUU, PO Box 157, Leeds, LS1 1UH. ### INFINITELY IMPROBABLE ### CLARKE AWARD ... in a slightly shambolic (it says here) ceremony, the #1,000 cheque went to Marge Piercy for "Body of Glass", with Kim Stanley Robinson's "Red Mars" as runner-up. `Not awfully good,' complained Roz Kaveney of the winner. `People were giving the judges very dirty looks. Of course the prime idiocy was not shortlisting "Sarah Canary"....' Award boss David Barrett observes: `Seems this was a shock decision -- apparently there was a lot of muttering. One editor actually got very shirty with me -- though he probably didn't know I wasn't a voting judge. But it was an overwhelmingly clear decision by the judging panel.' David Garnett claims: `At least 3 sf publishers [are] planning a future boycott after this year's baffling result.' Secret sources confirm the decision was near-unanimous, the Piercy being the first choice for five voting judges and second for the sixth. Apparently most of those who complained and felt Stan Robinson was cruelly wronged had not read "Body of Glass". Nor me -- hence Massive Impartiality. APOSTROPHE WATCH. Erstwhile `quality' imprint Picador says of Jim Crace's "Arcadia:" `... a celebration of the city, it's energy, it's optimism, it's scale and it's capacity to re-generate itself despite the deprivations which flourish in it's secrets.' DUFF: US fans Dick & Leah Smith won 1993's Down Under Fan Fund race to Swancon in Perth, Australia, this Easter. LITERARY BIT. An unexpected note from Somerset Maugham (who appears to live in Harrow these days) points out some prophetic phrases in his 1923 "On a Chinese Screen". Such as: `"I don't much care for all these Chinese things meself," answered my hostess briskly, "but Mr Wingrove's set on them." ... "Mr Wingrove won't hear a word against the Chinese," said his wife, "he simply loves them."' Etc, etc. WHO? `Is UK Dr Who fandom as pissed off as in Canada? There's a fair number of Whozits here, plus a major club with chapters all over the continent. Because the Beeb won't commit to any more episodes, the fans are at each other's throats here, sniping, feuding, bitching, libelling and slandering. They want other local conventions to bring in Who actors, totally unmindful of the fact that it costs more than just petty cash to bring a Doctor or companion across the Atlantic....' [LP] GROUPIES! `Leeds Group has met up "once" this year, I think, unless you consider Steve Glover turning up every Friday, looking around and then going home a meeting. Sad innit?' [NER] ANNOUNCEMENTS. "Paul Kincaid & Maureen Speller" will marry on 26 June. "Tommy Ferguson" wishes to grovel to John D.Rickett and Neil Curry for helping organize his recent three-week London visit (undertaken solely in order to bribe "Ansible" with beer to print this item). [] "Barbara & Hugh Mascetti" gloat over their offspring Julia ("b." 25/2/93). `So what's this rumour about Gollancz dropping the graphic novels line?' we asked. "Richard Evans", bitterly: `Those "usually reliable sources," eh?' Further comment did not follow. "Critical Assembly I & II:" both hefty volumes of legendary Langford sf review columns are now available at #9.00 each (#9.75 UK mail). "C.O.A. "Rhodri James, 18 Harvey Goodwin Ave, Cambridge, CB4 3EU. LONDON BOOK FAIR. `Not a vast amount happened, since editors were noteworthy by their absence; the stands were populated almost exclusively by sales/rights people (ALL WITH FUCKIN BOUFFANT HAIR-DOS, thundered Clute after visiting on Monday, COSTIN TWENTY FUCKIN QUID EACH, PAID FOR OUT OF THE MONEY THOSE BASTARDS AREN'T PAYIN ME).' [PB] FIRST EDITION FEVER. Fanatical collectors who fell madly on `special limited first editions' of recent Stephen King novels are a bit pissed off to learn that the cheapo British book club versions of "Gerald's Game" and "Dolores Claiborne" are also the true world firsts ... the latter by just one day. Ho ho. [BRL] NUMEROLOGY. Overhearing a call to Fred Clarke, our spy was fascinated when the answering machine announced, `You have reached Bishop's Lydeard 2001.' Gosh, vanity phone numbers. THAT LAWSUIT: the Games Workshop/Boxtree injunction against further Transworld sales of Laurence James's DARK FUTURETM titles was upheld on appeal in March. 1,000,000 PESETAS: the Universitat Politecnica de Catalunya's annual sf prize is offered once again, for 75-100pp stories in English, French, Spanish or Catalan. Closing date 30 Aug. SAE to "Ansible "for a copy of the lengthy rules. BUMPER STICKERS. Good taste exemplar John Foyster trumps the Heart and Spade versions with `I [Club] Baby Seals'. "Thank" you, John. ### SF ENCYCLOPAEDIA II ### What an achievement! There's never been anything like it in science fiction! Yes, after countless lesser authors had failed, John Clute has achieved the amazing feat of getting credit on the front cover of a collaboration involving Peter Nicholls. The second edition of "The Encyclopaedia of SF" (Orbit) is pretty good too. Statistics: 1,370 pages plus prelims. About 1,300,000 words (the 1979 edition ran to only 730,000). Over 4,360 entries (formerly 2,800). Over 2kg on the internationally accepted Langford Bathroom Scale. One picture, on the jacket (formerly lots). 2.5" thick. Price #45.00, and worth it for the brilliant entries on "Ansible" and its editor alone, not to mention kindly `contributing editor' Brian Stableford's habit of cross-referencing everything to my and his "The Third Millennium" if not "The Science in Science Fiction". (`GIANT MUTANT SPACE GOATS,' a typical theme entry might run, `are notably not predicted by David LANGFORD and Brian STABLEFORD in ...') On the other hand, I gather that Roz Kaveney was incensed to find no cross-reference from her entry to -- her own coinage -- BIG DUMB OBJECTS. My lawyers have advised me not even to smile. The Nicholls and Stableford encyclopaedic virtues are already well known. New boy Clute has subdued his famous critical flourishes for hordes of classy new and rewritten author entries (2900+ ... formerly 1817). There is a supporting cast of thousands; I unexpectedly found my own initials on two entries, as a reward for suggesting trifling improvements. This thing has been years on the road ... as occasional computer adviser I remember the initial horror of discovering that the carefully preserved disks containing the full text of the first edition were obsolete eight-inch floppies whose format made sense only to Granada typesetting machines long since scrapped -- I kept hoping to track one down in a museum, but no luck. After all the professionals had failed to crack the code, Macdonald had the whole lot rekeyed and great oaths were sworn that "this time" usable disks would be maintained forever. The subsequent publishers Little, Brown, after being anxiously reminded of this for months and responding with countless soothing noises (`Don't bother your tiny editorial heads -- we've got it all sussed!'), recently discovered to their embarrassment that all the enormously many final proof corrections had been entered only on the typesetter's disks, which can't be read back into the IBMs used by our hero editors. This came to light exactly as the text was urgently needed for the coming Nimbus CD- ROM edition. The only thing we learn from history.... (It's not that black. Disk translation services can tackle the job this time around, requiring only vast sums of money. Or Nimbus can merrily plug all the galley and page-proof corrections back into the disk text. `Shouldn't take too long,' they said breezily. "Ace Technical Editor John Grant:" `Have you "seen" the proofs yet?' "Nimbus Person, After Long Pause:" `Er, no.') Review it? No thanks -- I'm still shagged out from skimming the whole thing on disk and selflessly passing all my nitpicks to the editors instead of saving them up for a trenchant critical article. After a week's dipping into the final production, I've located only a dozen or so minor slips, and only two of which I can say: `I "Told" You So, You Should Have Listened To Me!' Let me register just 0.05 of a whinge at the creased pages and groups of pages in my copy, admittedly a complimentary one. ("The Plain People of Fandom:" `You lucky bastard.') Of course this immediately becomes "the" indispensable sf reference, a fitting replacement at last for the 1979 edition. Buy it, buy it, buy it. What I tell you three times is true. [] Ansible 69 (c) Dave Langford, 1993. Thanks to Brian Aldiss, Paul Barnett, John Brunner, Abigail Frost, David Garnett, Helicon, Barry R.Levin, Lloyd Penney, Mark Plummer, David Pringle, Nigel E.Richardson, SF CHRONICLE, and Our Hero Distributors. `One by one, food and alcohol overcame the revelling princelings....' 1/4/93 Posted by Dave Langford ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk ANSIBLE 78 JANUARY 1994 >From DAVE LANGFORD, 94 London Road, Reading, Berkshire, RG1 5AU. Fax 0734 669914. ISSN 0265-9816. E-mail ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk. "Ansible" may be had whimsically or for stamped addressed envelopes (1/copy). [Disclaimer: Each issue of ANSIBLE is designed for exquisite DTP in multiple fonts. This text dump for CIX and Usenet looks awful. So it goes. DRL] HAPPY NEW YEAR! ... despite far too many glum news items. ### THE ODIOUS ONES ### DEBORAH BEALE insists that 99% of all sf gossip about her and Charon Wood's exit from Millennium is Greatly Exaggerated. No bust-up with the management, no Orion Group financial trouble, etc. But: `This is an industry that puts particularly harsh pressures on its staff.... We just came to a point where the disadvantages far outweighed the benefits. We had a blast, but it isn't a career that can offer us what we want any more.' GERALD LAWRENCE appointed himself "Ansible"'s Saudi Arabian Affairs Correspondent in time for Chr*stm*s fun: `Christmas cards are illegal. Hell, Christmas is illegal. There's a black market in Christmas trees. Seriously! Now that it's getting cold, the "[locals]" have started wearing anoraks over their thobes which makes them look a little peculiar. It's an even odder experience to have one of these strange figures -- thobe, guptra, and grubby anorak -- sidling up to you, looking each way to make sure there aren't any matawahs around, and then saying (in "feelthy postcards?" tones): "Psst -- you wanna buy Creesmas tree very good very cheap?".' PATRICK NIELSEN HAYDEN retorts: `Stephen Jones's nasty remarks about Steven Brust's World Fantasy Con programming ("A77") can, rumour has it, be traced to Brust's failure to suck up to various extremely important WFC personages not entirely dissimilar to Stephen Jones. We have to appreciate the skill with which Jones knifes Brust as "he of the dragon books", a phrase nicely designed to convey with a wink just what sort of lowbrow junkmeister is under discussion here. In fact I'm not sure there's a single dragon in any of Brust's novels, but that's hardly the point in this sort of score-settling, now is it?' "(Others suggested that the 1993 WFC emphasis of fantasy over horror -- deplored by SJ -- was only fair, the imbalance usually being the other way....)" CAROLINE OAKLEY is now sf editorial supremo at Millennium. `Couldn't happen to a nicer person or better editor.' [JG] TERRY PRATCHETT: `Just got back from a week in South Africa (apparently it's okay to go there now). Signed a lot of books for a lot of fans of various shades who were buying as if there was no tomorrow, which many seem to feel is the case. There's a lot of surface optimism around but you can hear the mighty creak of fingers being crossed. In Johannesburg there's areas that look like Cheltenham but with razor wire on the (high) garden walls, or electric fences, or "Armed Response" notices -- but most noticeable are the walls that have had a few feet of extra blocks recently added... ' [10 Dec] CHRIS PRIEST is proliferating, according to DC Comics' "Shop Talk" (freelance newsletter): the Dec issue weirdly announces the `... new "Ray" writer, CHRISTOPHER PRIEST. Actually Priest isn't the new writer of "The Ray". Christopher Priest will become the new name of former DC Editor, JIM OWLSEY. Jim, who has "been feeling a lot more spiritual lately", is talking about taking a new name in conjunction with his new company....' [NG] "(Did no one warn him about death threats?)" KEITH ROBERTS said goodbye in a horrifying Xmas circular: `This is to advise you that in effect I died in March 1990, when I was finally diagnosed as suffering from multiple sclerosis. As you will perhaps know, this is a progressive and basically mysterious disease for which there is no known cure. Since then, developments have been rapid. I have been reduced from my former six feet plus to wheelchair height; increased spasticity has made artwork and production things of the past, while a so far unexplained complication has led to me contributing a major piece of my anatomy to the hospital incinerator. I'm therefore a one- legged hasbeen at the age of fifty eight. [] Against expectations, I managed to keep these facts quiet for a considerable time; however a couple of interested parties obviously decided it would be bad for me to die unshriven and leaked the story, necessitating the present note. Rumours are only enjoyable if unconfirmed; I always was a spoilsport in that respect. Though I'm painfully aware that the information will be of interest to the various Important Authors I have offended over the years, mainly by existing. "[...]" [] Having got myself blacklisted by the Establishment, it was unlikely I would ever publish again, in English at least; but this would not have been permitted anyway. In the Mother of Democracies, cripples are naturally not allowed to earn; that would be to rise above their station. At which point I did wonder if the good Lord was indeed punishing me for daring to oppose my betters. If so, it was a definite case of overkill; but I had thought for some time He was really a Thatcherite at heart. "[...]" [] For me, life has been reduced to a daily battle to avoid the clutches of the People Farms; the normal euphemism for them is Residential Homes. In this, I may or may not be successful; I am buoyed by the thought that the ever-obliging State has at least provided a species of alternative. Having stood back for a month or so and watched my leg rot at the rate of several millimetres a day, the powers that be finally pressed on me enough pain-killers to solve my problem several times over. Either way, I would of course vanish from human contact. So I am taking this opportunity to send best wishes to you all, and good luck with your various enterprises. Yours sincerely....' [via G, CM, DP] GEORGE TURNER, whose stroke was reported in "Ansible 71", `is well, but feeling unable to write any more. So the articles in "SF Commentary 73/4/5" are his last writings. Maybe.' [BRG] ### CONGIUS ### 28-30 Jan STARBASE ("Trek"), Hilton Hotel, Leeds. GoH George Takei. #35 reg; no memberships at the door (or after 14 Jan). Contact 152 Otley Rd, Headingley, Leeds, LS16 5JX. 4-6 Feb VIBRAPHONE (filk), Oak Hotel, Brighton. #27 reg. Contact 2 Duncan Gate, London Rd, Bromley, BR1 3SG. 26 Feb INTERSECTION PARTY, Carrick Hotel, Glasgow, 8pm -- all welcome, please bring a chairman. Contact Jacky Gruter- Andrew, Intersection, Admail 336, Glasgow, G2 1BR. 20-22 May MEXICON 6 (`The Party'), Hertford Park Hotel, Stevenage. #9.50 reg. #19.50 twin/dbl, #22.50 sngl. Contact 121 Cape Hill, Smethwick, Warley, West Midlands, B66 4SH. 26-9 May EUROCON, Timisoara, Romania. Now #15 reg. Optional `7-day advance tour of historic Transylvania'. Contact FATW, 17 Mimosa, 29 Avenue Rd, Tottenham, N15 5JF. 21-4 Oct ALBACON, Central Hotel, Glasgow. #25 reg to 31 April (!). Contact 10 Atlas Rd, Springburn, Glasgow, G21 4TE. 29-30 Oct WHO'S 7 ("Dr Blake" event), Queen's Hotel, Crystal Palace, London. "Now #35 reg" (but #5 off if you book a hotel room). Contact 131 Norman Rd, Leytonstone, E11 4RJ. Oct (?) 97 WORLD FANTASY CON, Britannia International Hotel, London Docklands. "Dracula" centenary theme. No memberships taken until Oct 94. Contact Jo Fletcher -- see COA. Estimated room rates imply two-tier inflation: the 1995 Eastercon's #31 and #37 per person in this hotel's double/twin and single rooms (respectively) become #37.50 and "#60". ["BFSN"] "Rumblings" [] INTERSECTION, 1995 Glasgow Worldcon: co-chair Tim Illingworth resigned in December `following a series of personal and policy disagreements with much of the rest of the board'. Vince Docherty resumes his former co-chair role by e-mail from Oman. A rapid Intersection release praised Tim's past efforts; some thought to detect signs of friction in his response, `Gee, it's so nice to know that the committee have put out a press release thanking me. It would have been even nicer to have been sent a copy personally.' "Martin Hoare:" `To lose one chairman may be regarded as a misfortune ... to lose two seems like carelessness.' "Ansible" is nevertheless sure that Intersection remains strong and vital as ever. [] As of Feb 94, Intersection plans a monthly London meeting (3rd Fri, in the Wellington?), open to the public. Watch this space. ### INFINITELY IMPROBABLE ### SERIOUS SCIENTIFIC SPONSORSHIP. Dr Dave Clements gloats over bagging a #750 grant from the government Office of Science & Technology's programme to `improve public understanding of science' -- by luring pro scientists to sf conventions. (Bob Shaw's von Donegan has already applied.) This, the smallest grant of OST's #150,000 kitty, was 100% of the sum requested and has excited disproportionate newspaper publicity ("Telegraph", 5 Jan). Negotiations with VIbraphone and Sou'Wester are under way. Brush off your degrees, everyone. [AB/DC] BAD NEWS. `In November, writers Pat Murphy and Claire Parman Brown were involved in a tragic car crash in Nepal, while returning from a 36-day expedition to the Everest base camp. Claire Brown died in the accident. She had an adventurous, restless spirit, and was always travelling; in recent years she had been to Hong Kong, Alaska, Indonesia, Nepal. She had completed one novel, "Vengeful Souls", and was working on a second. She was 29. Pat Murphy was injured in the accident, but the extent of her injuries is not at present known.' [CPr] C.O.A. "Amanda Baker", 3 Bishop's Court, John Garne Way, Marston Road, Oxford, OX3 0TU. "John Bangsund", PO Box 1096, Thornbury, Vic 3071, Australia. "Vijay Bowen/Mark Richards", PO Box 021831, Brooklyn, NY 11202-0039, USA. "Jo Fletcher", 24 Pearl Rd, Walthamstow, London, E17 4QZ. "Little, Brown & Co", Brettenham House, Lancaster Place, London, WC2E 7EN. "Judith Hanna & Joseph Nicholas", 15 Jansons Rd, Tottenham, London, N15 4JU (`Bourgeois cultural respectability looms'). "Tim Jones", 87 Ellice St, Mt Victoria, Wellington, NZ. "Andy Richards/Cold Tonnage Books", 22 Kings Lane, Windlesham, Surrey, GU20 6JQ. "Dick & Leah Smith", 410 W.Willow Road, Prospect Heights, IL 60070-1250, USA (repeated by request owing to Certain Fanzines which printed the number as 140 or 401, tch-tch). "HITCH-HIKER" MOVIE. Douglas Adams begs for thrilling wonder stories of his series' popularity and ability to induce mass conversions, raise the dead, etc: `We need to put together an irresistable "[sic]" package to excite potential distributors of the movie of the "Hitch Hiker's Guide" (to be produced by Michael Nesmith).' At first this announcement was wickedly dismissed as a hoax, on the basis that Mr Adams can surely spell `irresistible'.... Asked if he'd be in control of the movie, he reportedly said: `Absolutely, I am going to be thoroughly involved.' [] It is revealed that the official Adams fan club term for the great man, based on close study of his autograph, is `Bop Ad'. [JN] TREMBLE, JOHN MAJOR! The National Student SF Association plans to bring the government to its knees with a gigantic London demonstration to protest the ruling that sf is not a `core activity' for a students' union (i.e. no more funding). Ask Gareth Rees, 29 St Stephen's Place, Cambridge, CB3 0JE. "GALAXY" magazine returns this month, edited by E.J.Gold (son of founder H.L.): PO Box 370, Nevada City, CA 95959, USA. Bimonthly; mail subs only; opens with new Sheckley serial. L.RON HUBBARD goes on forever. His Church of Spiritual Technology `has designed gas-filled, titanium time capsules to hold Hubbard's teachings, and plans to place 10,500 of the capsules in three vaults, two built to resist earthquakes or nuclear attack.... Hubbard's writings will be preserved on 1.8 million stainless steel plates and his lectures on 187,000 nickel records that could be played back with a stylus as crude as a thorn in the event of some future cataclysm.... "[CST]" also plans to place large, indestructible obelisks around the world covered with pictographs explaining Scientology "so that even a wandering savage will be able to understand and apply these principles."' [AP via NR] Next, MISSION EARTH will reappear as the first sf `megalithology' published on one million obelisks, with truly frightening implications for the future of remaindering. BE PREPARED. The New England SF Assocation notoriously plans for "every" contingency: `The rules for other organizations suing the clubhouse were re-stated ...' ["Instant Message 538"] TIPTREE AWARD. Jeanne Gomoll notes: `Since all of our judges are American this year, we would appreciate tips about gender- bending overseas fiction of 1993.' Report good stuff to 2825 Union Street, Madison, WI 53704. The Tiptree fundraising sf cookbooks are still available in the UK, from me. HAZEL'S LANGUAGE LESSONS. Bislama: "nogud", bad; "sik nogud", venereal disease; "kaset nogud", pornographic cassette; "nogud nomo", wonderful, fantastic. [KL] ### `ENEMIES OF PLATT' ### The saga of Charles Platt and Harlan Ellison (see "Ansible 77") developed all sorts of bizarre ramifications as 1993 sputtered out and "The Last Dangerous Visions" entered its 21st or 22nd year of non-publication.... [] CHRISTOPHER PRIEST's polemic "The Last Deadloss Visions" appeared in electronic form, revised and updated -- a preview of the new, commercial, printed edition due in April. It has been naughtily pointed out that this will be eligible for the non- fiction Hugo award in 1995. [] A joke ENEMIES OF ELLISON flyer was circulated in the USA, instantly identifiable by experienced Platt-watchers as the work of our Charles. This was much attacked in electronic forums, often by people who hadn't seen it and took the title at face value. In fact it begins: `"EoE" is NOT an organization for those who wish to malign, harass or assault Harlan Ellison. Just the opposite! "EoE" is for those who have "been named as enemies" by Mr Ellison, "and have been maligned, harassed, or assaulted", purely because (in most cases) they spoke the truth or expressed skepticism re his reputation, craft or self-promotional hype. / If you've received death threats on your answering machine ... if you've been referred to as a "wetbrain" on nationally networked TV ... if Mr Ellison has threatened to "pop you one" next time he sees you ... if he's promised to "sue you into oblivion" ... then "EoE" is for you!' [c/o Interactive Systems, PO Box 595, Chelsea Station, New York, NY 10113, USA] [] ANDREW PORTER, famously mentioned by Mr Ellison on nationally networked TV, was quick to offer "EoE" a free 1/3-page ad in "SF Chronicle". [] CHARLES PLATT reluctantly admitted that `Enemies of Ellison' might have been an unwise choice of name, and has since been referring to this `support group' as `Victims of Ellison'. Various treats for members are offered: `I will be producing badges in due course and will incorporate icons on each badge indicating the abuse specifically suffered by the wearer. Clenched fist to indicate a physical attack, lips whispering into an ear to indicate badmouthing, and so forth.' [CPl] [] "ANSIBLE" thought the original flyer was reasonably amusing; but actually producing the badges, bimonthly newsletters, etc, all begins to seem a trifle obsessive. Charles: there is life after Harlan Ellison! [] HARLAN ELLISON himself wisely made no direct comment (that I know of), but his pal Barry R.Levin the Californian book dealer came up with a new angle: `Dear Mr Platt: Do you want to be remembered as the man who "murdered" Harlan Ellison? Do you know how very bad his heart condition really is? Your little prank newsletter may be a joke to you, but the news of it is bound to set Harlan off -- and that in his present condition could easily kill him. Is that what you really want?' It is not known whether Mr Levin has counselled Mr Ellison against other exertions very nearly as strenuous as reading newsletters, such as blowing his top on networked TV, denouncing his perceived enemies in high-profile con appearances, etc. I'm sure that Mr Ellison, champion of free speech, would not endorse the implied ruling that a controversial figure can say anything he likes, as loudly as he likes, while owing to his state of health no one may respond with similar rude vigour. Sf would be duller if fans weren't free to express such feisty sentiments as `[William Shatner] would screw a sheep in the window of Bloomingdales if you gave him the chance' or `Gene Roddenberry was a lying sack of shit ... a scum bag' or `If you can't kick cripples, who can you kick? I mean, that's the whole point of cripples ...' (all from Harlan Ellison's Oct 93 Comicfest talk, according to "The Comics Journal"). [RH] Ansible 78 (c) Dave Langford, 1994. Thanks to Amanda Baker, British Fantasy Soc Newsletter, Dave Clements, Jon Cowie, Neil Gaiman, Gamma, Bruce Gillespie, John Grant, Steve Green, Rob Hansen, Ken Lake, Catherine McAulay, Joseph Nicholas, Charles Platt, Chris Priest, David Pringle, Nigel Rowe and Our Hero Distributors. 6 Jan 94 ANSIBLE 79 FEBRUARY 1994 >From DAVE LANGFORD, 94 London Road, Reading, Berkshire, RG1 5AU. Fax 0734 669914. ISSN 0265-9816. E-mail ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk. "Ansible" may be had whimsically or for stamped addressed envelopes (1/copy). [Disclaimer: Each issue of ANSIBLE is designed for exquisite DTP in multiple fonts. This text dump for CIX and Usenet looks awful. So it goes. DRL] THE BLACK SPOT. Are certain sf authors (as one or two have been enquiring in not-for-quotation circulars) "really" blacklisted by publishers? Or has the recession's impact on midlist sf merely left them without a market? "Ansible" offers the usual large drink for a copy of any publisher's official blacklist.... ### THE CLUB OF QUEER TRADES ### PAT CADIGAN visits Britain in March to promote "Fools": `I expect you to be much in evidence, paying homage, while I'm in the country. It will make up for your previous failure to be slavish. You dog.' JOHN CLUTE enjoyed many enthusiastic communications from The Women's Press about their reissue of Joanna Russ's "The Female Man" without, they confided, that "awful downmarket sci-fi cover" -- by, as it happens, Judith Clute.... (Erasing the past, this reissue claims to be the first WP edition ever, although its publicity goes on about 20,000 mysterious prior sales.) [JC] HARLAN ELLISON `was an anonymous bidder for various items in Dick Ellington's fanzine collection, which I was auctioning off,' "writes Robert Lichtman". `He was rounding up old fanzines with appearances by him of which he lacked his own copy.... The night before bidding closed, he made a tongue-in-cheek threat ("I'll have to come up there and kill you, Lichtman!") if I didn't promise to call him collect should someone outbid him in the final hours. "Oh, joy!" I said to him, "my Very Own Harlan Ellison Death Threat." To his credit, he laughed, and not maliciously....' [] It's said that a while ago HE offered his entire backlist to Tor in what he called `the deal of the century' -- $1 a book. This was declined because, the story goes, Tor boss Tom Doherty had somehow got the idea that being HE's publisher might be stressful. LIONEL FANTHORPE will star in an anthology of his finest Badger Books passages, suitable for reading aloud in public places, for expounding, declaiming, reciting, orating and elocuting ... expected from Wrigley Cross Books in July. [DC] GEORGE R.R.MARTIN's fantasy trilogy `A Song of Fire and Ice' sold here for #450,000 after an epic Battle of Dinosaurs between Legend's John `It's my round!' Jarrold and ultimately victorious Malcolm `It's your round!' Edwards of HarperCollins. ELLA PARKER, the 50s/60s UK fan and early BSFA secretary who was involved in Eastercons and hosted London SF meetings from 1960-64, entered a hospice and died last year. [EL] CARL SAGAN complained about Apple's use of `Carl Sagan' as their internal nickname for a new computer. Thus the machine is now the BHA, short for `Butt-Head Astronomer'.... [MMW] STEVE SNEYD's latest 4pp bibliography "Data Dump 8" tastefully lists lots more `nukecaust'-theme sf (and non-sf) poetry: contact 4 Nowell Place, Almondbury, Huddersfield, HD5 8BP. THOG THE MIGHTY, scourge of John Grant's LONE WOLF books and '93 con newsletters, will be an extra Sou'Wester GoH. (Being fictional, he comes cheap.) Excited LW publishers Red Fox took a congratulatory half-page ad in the programme book.... IAN WATSON wants us to report his Finnish trip. So: `Finland had its first-ever winter con, AIKACON (7-8 Jan) with Ian Watson as GoH, hidden behind layers of scarves and sweaters as he slipped his way through the ice-covered streets of Tampere. About 200 people had a jolly good time. Watson's Finnish is far from perfect, so he chose to speak English on the programme -- the rest was in Finnish, a language composed of hypnotic streams of consonants with an occasional vowel for inhaling purposes. Language difficulties forced foreign delegates to spend their time drinking the local brew, a situation endured with great courage. A.Engholm denies falling asleep during the GoH speech: I just meditated, he claims. Three words will sum up the successful Aikacon: "Perkele kirjoittamisellakin sissiliikejohtajaksi!"' [AE] ### CONCULCATION ### 4-6 Feb VIBRAPHONE (filk), Oak Hotel, Brighton. #27 reg. Contact, er, some likely-looking registration desk? 8 Feb WRITING FOR LIBERTY, ICA, The Mall, SW1. 18:45. Liberty (former NCCL) benefit evening of readings by notables including M. Moorcock, T.Pratchett. #25. 071 930 3647. "A.Frost:" `Mention this or die in pain, for it is organized by Roz Kaveney!' 12-13 Feb STARBRIGHT ("Quantum Leap"), Shepperton Moat House Hotel. Contact 338 Blackfen Rd, Sidcup, DA15 9WY. 19 Feb AYL-CON ("Dr Who"), Aylesbury somewhere. Contact 40 Kingsmead Monks, Risborough, Princes R., Bucks, HP7 9LN. 19 Feb AUKCON (anime), Conway Hall, Red Lion Square, WC1. #10 reg. Contact Anime UK, 70 Mortimer St W1N 7DF. (Better book in advance. Cheque to `Anime Subscriptions'.) 24 Feb MOLLY BROWN reading at The 3R's, 2 Crouch End Hill, N8. 20:00. #3/#2 concessionary. Info 081 691 7481. 26 Feb INTERSECTION PARTY, Carrick Hotel, Glasgow, 8pm -- all welcome who can spell `Phan Fayre'. Contact Jacky Gruter-Andrew, Intersection, Admail 336, Glasgow, G2 1BR. 4-6 Mar MASQUE III (costume con), Stakis Victoria Hotel, Nottingham. #25 reg. Contact 4 Ednaston Ct, Yeldersley Lane, Ednaston, Ashbourne, Derbyshire, DE6 3BA. 5-6 Mar MICROCON 14, Exeter University. GoH Geoff Ryman. #5 reg. Contact 6 Clifton Hill, Exeter, EC1 2DL. If UK government cuts go through, `this may be the last Microcon ever.' 12-13 Mar SEDUCED AND ABANDONED: THE BODY IN THE VIRTUAL WORLD, ICA (see above). Pat Cadigan, Bruce Sterling. 10-12 Jun SHOTS ON THE PAGE (mystery/detective), Forte Crest Hotel, Nottingham. #30 reg (#40 from 1 Mar). Contact Broadway Media Centre, 14 Broad St, Nottingham, NG1 3AL. "Rumblings" THE SCOTTISH CONVENTION has followed through its `time and space' theme by declaring a time (3rd Fri) and a space (Wellington pub, London) for monthly public meetings. Be there or be miserably safe from committee co-opting.... "File 770" gives a rundown of coming Worldcon bids: 1997, San Antonio, St Louis; 1998, Baltimore, Boston, Niagara Falls; 1999, Australia, Las Vega; 2001, Philadelphia (but as it's `The Millennium Philcon', that might be a typo for 2000), Boston. ### INFINITELY IMPROBABLE ### THE EARTH MOVED FOR THEM. Reports say no sf people were badly injured in the Los Angeles earthquake, the only death being of Bruce and Elayne Pelz's cat Scrabble (hit by bricks as a wall collapsed). Bruises, property damage and books hurled from shelves were widespread -- Lydia Marano of Dangerous Visions bookshop had to be dug out from under piles of books and bookcases. Falling downstairs in the dark, the unfortunate Harlan Ellison broke his nose. One of Mike Glyer's Hugos leapt off a shelf and smashed a glass lamp. The Los Angeles SF Society held its next meeting as usual.... ["File 770"/Internet] THE CAUCUS RACE. "Arthur C.Clarke Award" -- the shortlisted novels are "A Million Open Doors", John Barnes; "Ammonite", Nicola Griffith; "Vurt", Jeff Noon; "Snow Crash", Neal Stephenson; "The Iron Dragon's Daughter", Michael Swanwick [your editor was much impressed by this one, though when a fantasy Word of Power has the syllables "sfwa ya sig" one wonders whose leg is being pulled]; "The Broken God", David Zindell. `An exceptionally strong shortlist,' babbles administrator David V.Barrett, possibly conveying a coded subtext about the quality of last year's? [DVB] [] "BCA Fantasy & SF Author of the Year Award" -- a new addition to the British Book Awards, presented on 10 Feb. [] "Collectors Awards" ... were Michael Crichton, and Harlan Ellison's "Mefisto in Onyx" (lettered state "of course"), really the most `collectable' author and book of 1993? So says California's ace book dealer Barry R.Levin, no doubt quite impartially and with no unsold stocks of either in his cupboard.... A lifetime award also goes to Arthur C.Clarke. [] "Spent Brass" poll (USA) for favourite fan stuff: fanzine "Mimosa", artist W.Rotsler, writer D.Langford, con Corflu 10, single issue "Fanthology 1989", cover D.Steffan on ditto, article D.Emerson's `Passing On' ("Mainstream"). STRETCH OF THE IMAGINATION. `For answer she drew her hands right and left across her full breasts and raised them above her head as if to challenge time.' (George Turner, "Beloved Son") [KL] TOO GOOD TO CHECK. `A fan of "Hitch-Hiker "was in a bar with a friend who worked in a nut house. The fan happened to use one of the "HHG" tag-lines ("Here, put this fish in your ear" or something) and the shrink jumped up saying, "WHAT?!" Seems they had a guy locked up who would only respond to questions with "HHG" bits; since a lot of psychos have languages all their own, and no-one who'd dealt with this guy knew "HHG", they were going nuts themselves trying to decipher him.' [NR] Just needed a fish in the ear, really. "ALTERNATE WORLDS" is the imaginative title of `The World's Only Alternate History Magazine', just launched. Hefty articles by Brian Stableford, Evelyn C.Leeper "et al". Quarterly, #3/issue; 48pp A4; 19 Bruce St, Rodbourne, Swindon, Wilts, SN2 2EL. C.O.A. "Maia Cowan/George Laskowski", 1306 Cherokee, Royal Oak, MI 48067-3386, USA. "Mog Decarnin", 440 Zalvidea St #5, Los Angeles, CA 90026, USA. "Christina Lake", 12 Hatherley Rd, Bishopston, Bristol, BS7 8QA (`Peter-Fred and I have split up -- though so amicably that the rest of fandom will hardly notice the difference!'). "Ken Lake" (will he never stop?), c/o The Stamp Wholesaler, PO Box 708, Albany, OR 97321, USA -- to mid-Feb only. "Steve Palmer", 4 Park Rd, Toddington, Dunstable, Beds, LU5 6AB. "Gary & Linda Stratmann", 78 Hatherley Rd, Walthamstow, London, E17 6SB. PLAY IT AGAIN, HARI. The Asimov "Foundation" movie is said to be scheduled for Xmas 94, directed by Jean-Jaques Annaud ("Quest for Fire", "The Name of the Rose"). ["Film Review" 2/94] 1993 UK `FASTSELLERS' in the top 100: Crichton, "Jurassic Park" (no. 1); Harris, "Fatherland" (10); King, "Gerald's Game" (12), "Dolores Claiborne" (17); Adams, "Mostly Unfunny" (13); Pratchett, "Lords and Ladies" (30), "Small Gods" (33), "Only You Can Save Mankind" (69); Herbert, "Portent" (32); Koontz, "Dragon Tears" (42), "The Funhouse" (59), "The Door to December" (67); Eddings, "Domes of Fire" (56); Brooks, "Elf Queen of Shannara" (68); Banks, "The Crow Road" (89); Feist/Wurts, "Mistress of the Empire" (91); Feist, "The King's Buccaneer" (99). [JN/"Grauniad"] RANDOM FANDOM. "Arnold Akien", relentless letter-writer, had a year of woe in '93: on separate occasions he broke an ankle, a wrist and was shot by an airgun from a passing car. Realizing the cause must be divine wrath at his handwriting, he's buying a word processor. [] "Harry Andruschak" claims that unfriends at the Los Angeles SF Society have changed the rules of `the LASFS Annual Nigger of the Year Contest' "[sic]" to nominate him. Can such tacky things be? [] "Abigail Frost" was enchanted to discover the political organization of her dreams, the London Psychogeographical Society: `They're anarchists with ley lines! It sounds wonderful!' Watch her chart the Old Straight Track to the Wellington pub's toilets, using only a dowsing pendulum.... [] "Alexis Gilliland" married Lee Uba in October. [] "Martin Hoare" told "Ansible" in revolting detail of his coming gall bladder op; do not utter the word `keyhole' in his presence. [] "Roger Weddall", the universally popular Aussie fan who died so young in Dec 1992, is now publicly known to have been HIV+ ... `the first well-known fan to die as a result of contracting AIDS,' writes Andy Hooper -- but not, we are afraid, the last. "AMAZING STORIES" suspended publication after appearing since 1926; current owners TSR may have it redesigned. ["SFC"] LETTER COLUMN. "Charles Platt" responds to my incautious use of the word `obsessive' in "A78": `I ignored Ellison's mudslinging the first three or four times, then tried repeatedly to complain in a civilized fashion before I wearily geared up for VICTIMS OF ELLISON. As you say, it is "obsessive", but one has to be obsessive merely to attract Ellison's attention. To make him think twice before maligning people gratuitously in future will obviously require even more effort, but I now see this as an interesting challenge. If enough victims fight back (merely by telling the truth), I think it can be done. [] I am still willing to sit down and shut up if Ellison will apologize for lying about me. Anyone else would have had the decency to do that. Why should this pugnacious hypochondriac suffering a terminal case of "noblesse oblige" consider himself exempt from admitting his own errors?' [21 Jan] DREDD'S LANGUAGE LESSONS. `I have seen the future, and it ****s!' "writes David Redd". `The music press is in the forefront of linguistic development -- words such as "shambolic" appeared in "New Musical Express" at least five years before reaching "The Sunday Times". Now see what the trend-setting "Melody Maker" [11 Dec] promises for 1999 journalism! Opening sentences of three consecutive live band reviews: "(1)" "Get f***ed!" "(2)" "N*ggers f***." "(3)" "What a f***ing set!" ... Stylists and witty newswriters, take note. This is your future.' TEN YEARS AGO: "Helliconia Winter" was serialized in "Ansible 37" (Feb 84). Well ... page 25a of the draft. A Barry R.Levin `collectable'? ### MISLEADING CASES ### There is a certain sf flavour about the case, judged in New York towards the end of 1993, of "Teri Smith Tyler, Plaintiff, v. James Carter, William Clinton, Ross Perot, American Cyanamid, Iron Mountain Security Corporation, Defense Intelligence Agency, IBM, David Rockefeller, Rockefeller Fund, BCCI, Nasa, Defendants." Try to imagine the expression on the face of District Judge Charles S.Haight, Jr, as he recited all this: `Plaintiff contends she is a cyborg, and that she received most of the information which forms the basis for her complaint, through "proteus", which I read to be some silent, telepathic form of communication. "[...]" She asserts that the defendants are involved in the "Iron Mountain Plan", which provides for the reinstitutionalization of slavery and "bloodsports" (which she identifies as death-hunting "[n1]" and witch-hunting), and the oppression of political dissidents, herself included. Plaintiff's complaint alleges a number of personal indignities visited upon her by defendants: "strafing of my dormitory room by planes and helicopters, the electronic bugging of my student rooms and apartments, deliberate noise harassment, blasting of loud rock music with lyrics designed for witch-hunts (music about social pariahs) ... students following me around to prevent me from studying, whispering campaigns and social ostrification ..." "[...]" Plaintiff also makes the following allegations against the defendants. Former President Jimmy Carter was the secret head of the Ku Klux Klan; Bill Clinton is the biological son of Jimmy Carter; President Clinton and Ross Perot have made fortunes in the death-hunting industry, and are responsible for the murder of at least 10 million black women in concentration camps, their bodies sold for meat and their skin turned into leather products. The defendants are also responsible for breeding farms, which turn out 2,000 black girls a year, who are then sold for recreational murder or as human pets. Additionally, the defendants utilize weather control and earthquake technology to threaten other countries. "[...]" `Plaintiff asks the Court to grant her the following relief: 1. $5.6 billion in compensatory and punitive damages. "[etc, etc]" `... Plaintiff additionally contends that the Gulf War against Iraq was undertaken so that America could restock its sexual slavery camps "[...]" 40,000 Iraqi soldiers captured by the United States, selected for their physical attractiveness, have been brought to this country where they were "being beaten, forced to run gauntlets and homosexually gang- raped by American soldiers." Plaintiff claims to have confronted Secretary of Defense Cheney with evidence of this allegation. Cheney, through "proteus", purportedly told the plaintiff, "Well, we were so sick and tired of killing black girls...."' [via PNH] "(Oddly, she lost her case.)" Ansible 79 (c) Dave Langford, 1994. Thanks to Paul Barnett, David V.Barrett, Pat Cadigan, CIX sf, John Clute, Debbie Cross, Ahrvid Engholm, Mike Glyer, Andy Hooper, Naveed Khan, Ken Lake, Robert Lichtman, Ethel Lindsay, Joseph Nicholas, Patrick Nielsen Hayden, David Pringle, Neil Rest, SF Chronicle, Martin Morse Wooster, and our Hero Distributors FATW, Janice Murray, SCIS, Alan Stewart, Martin Tudor, Elizabeth Willey. 3 Feb 94 Back issues of Ansible are available by FTP and Gopher from ftp.dcs.gla.ac.uk and gopher.dcs.gla.ac.uk respectively (see directory /pubs/Ansible). E-mail subscriptions: send mail with the command SUBSCRIBE to ansible-request@dcs.gla.ac.uk. Special thanks to electronic archive master Naveed Khan for all this. Posted by Dave Langford ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk ANSIBLE 70 MAY 1993 From DAVE LANGFORD, 94 London Road, Reading, Berkshire, RG1 5AU. Fax 0734 669914. ISSN 0265-9816. "Ansible" is available for stamped addressed envelopes, whim, or (rich idiots only) #12/year. Keep watching the skies.... [Disclaimer: Each issue of ANSIBLE is designed for exquisite DTP in multiple fonts. This text dump for CIX and Usenet looks awful. So it goes. DRL] HELICON. It seems there was some kind of convention in the Hotel de France, Jersey, over Easter, but I was busy doing its newsletter "Heliograph" and somehow missed the whole thing. "Brian Aldiss" said he managed to remain placid even when the "Independent" reporter asked him if he also wrote as Harry Harrison. "Iain Banks", deprived of heights to scale, instead crawled around under the carpet of the hotel bar. "John Jarrold" was elected President of World SF but explained that he wasn't there at the time and knew nothing about it. "John Brunner"'s GoH speech, reports Martin Hoare, was `one long depressing whinge'. "Dealer's Room" highlight: a Russian table selling KGB credentials at exotic prices. `Fans should beware the midnight knock on the door from authors Aldiss, Harrison and McCaffrey (who will be carrying a small, monogrammed flame thrower).' "798 full members" were reported (Sun), plus a handful of one-day visitors. "Bridget Wilkinson"'s Fans Across the World outdid itself by importing 52 Romanians, which terrified both the States of Jersey (Helicon had to sign mighty pledges that none of them would try to stay) and the committee (rather than trek across the island to their campsite, dozens of the chaps shared hotel room floors). "Soft toy" fans were outraged at Tom Abba's X-rated art show exhibit of a teddy bear strung up with ghastly hooks a la "Hellraiser". "Harlan Ellison" (as predicted) failed to turn up, but mysterious threats against Chris Priest reached the newsletter -- a bit wasted, as CP wasn't there. "The SF Encyclopaedia" nearly sold out; one far-flung fan staggered off with 5 copies. [] "Malcolm Edwards" claimed bemusement on finding himself a Famous Monster owing to long-ago ConFiction debts which he didn't know were outstanding; he vowed to prod `those who actually owe' into paying. "Jack Cohen"'s exobiological influence was felt in the hotel swimming pool as crazed fans assaulted the inflatable shark and attempted to do artificial insemination with a water pistol. "Peter Weston" expressed constant bogglement at what his fandom had now come to.... "Eileen Weston:" `Come on, Peter, when you start saying "in our day" we know it's time to go.' [] "Priorities:" the newsletter was blitzed with running statistics on hotel chocolate sales ("circa" 1.2 tonnes in 5kg bars alone), plus minor footnotes on old-fashioned issues like beer consumption. "Closing Ceremony:" this began with a 45-minute delay before the projectors for a multi-channel slide show (1,000 snaps from Helicon itself) appeared; all possible permutations of GoH pictures and names were shown repeatedly as Martin Hoare's ace technocrats wrestled with the machinery. `The committee said afterwards that they hadn't thought I could do it at all,' he exulted. "Jersey Zoo charity:" #1,000 was raised. "John Grant" gloated in carefully chosen type sizes that his sf quiz team crushed John Clute's by 365 to 220. "Vox Pop" (I paraphrase): `The hotel was fine, Jersey was great, Helicon's organization was surprisingly wonky. Apparently as a point of policy, committee people were given jobs they'd never done before, without full briefing from those who had.... The main bad feeling was about the failure to signpost no-smoking areas properly.... There were mushrooms at breakfast, so it was a great con.... Some Continental fans had trouble with the newsletter's British humour.' "[Oops -- Ed.]" "Corkage Horror:" the #1-admission `Hawaii Party' was fined #500 when the hotel sniffed out its carefully hidden empties ... alerted, perhaps, by the subtle hint of its being advertised in the Helicon programme. "Eastercon 1995:" the Confabulation bid was unopposed but confused everyone with a badge logo of a palpable reindeer which they insisted was a moose, traditional symbol of London Docklands. [] "40 Years On:" 10 April brought countless birthday congratulations on your editor's impending senility. Thanks to all (he snarled).... ### PILGRIMS ON THE ROAD TO NOWHERE ### DAVID BRITTON of Savoy Books was jailed for 4 months (2 Apr) under the Obscene Publications Act. I haven't heard which titles were the basis of this latest prosecution; it's hard to believe that relentless Manchester police raids on DB's bookshops are "wholly" uninfluenced by his novel "Lord Horror" with its send-up of their dippy ex-Chief Constable James Anderton. STEVE GREEN confesses that `"Critical Wave" was forced to take a New Era ad against its will because we needed the money.' He notes that although New Era always protested that they "weren't" just a British version of Bridge, they send Bridge review copies of their latest L.Ron Hubbard pb ... along with a ready-made rave review to save recipients the trouble of writing one. STEPHEN HAWKING (Trekkie) visited the "Star Trek:TNG" set, was invited to be in the show, and couldn't resist -- he plays a hologram of himself, playing poker with Einstein. [KH] DON HERRON gloats: `I too now have a Hugo. And a Nebula, a British Fantasy Award and one of those neat Gahan Wilson busts of HPL used as World Fantasy Awards. The Hugo is from 1967, for "Gonna Roll the Bones" (hey, a good one). Justin Leiber decided, rather than have Fritz's awards shoved away in a drawer along with his papers at the University of Texas in Houston, to have them distributed among Fritz's pals.... All these awards, except the Hugo, make great bookends. The Hugo is fucking "useless". It's pretty, though.' ROZ KAVENEY broke her wrist running for a bus a couple of weeks ago. `There was a bus strike on,' sympathizes Abigail Frost, `so "serve her right" for scabbing.' [AJF] KEN LAKE is `desperate to get my name in "Ansible" again. Does "Love from Chickenshit Mountain" qualify?' "[This on a postcard of said mountain, near Pohnpei, Micronesia. See COA.]" JOSEPH NICHOLAS went to Cairo: `Tourist numbers are down, though it's mostly Brits who are staying away -- there are plenty of French, Germans and Americans (and Japanese, as usual videotaping everything). Apart from the traffic -- traffic policemen are routinely ignored -- it feels perfectly safe. I walked through the old Islamic part of Cairo, visiting mosques, and was accosted by no one more threatening than bazaaris anxious to sell me tourist tat like camel saddles and hubble- bubble pipes. But then this is a residential and mercantile area, and the fundamentalists are unlikely to start planting bombs amongst the people they wish to "liberate" -- although following an explosion in Chephren's Pyramid on Wednesday they issued a demand for all foreigners to leave Egypt immediately, which, given that about 1/3 of the economically active population depends on tourism, will hardly endear them to the "army of the oppressed". In this, the fundamentalists seem as much in contact with reality as the average Trot.' [2 April] ### CONSARCINATION ### 12 May BSFA, The Conservatory pub, London, 19:30ish. John Clute urges us anew to buy the "SF Encyclopaedia." 28-31 May MEXICON 5 (written sf), Scarborough. #20 reg to 15 May (no postal memberships thereafter); #25 at door. Contact 121 Cape Hill, Smethwick, Warley, B66 4SH. Quickly! 28-31 May MASQUERADES ("Beauty & the Beast"), Grand Hotel, Brum. #37 reg inc banquet. Contact 12 Jessop Clo, Leasingham, Sleaford, Lincs, NG34 8LJ. 18 Jun BRITISH FANTASY SOC open night with F.Paul Wilson. 18:30 onward at Falkland Arms, Bloomsbury Way, London. 14-17 Apr 95 CONFABULATION (Eastercon), Britannia International Hotel, London Docklands. #15 reg (#10 supp) to end 1993. Rooms #31/person/night in double/twin, #37 single. Contact 3 York St, Altrincham, Cheshire, WA15 9QH. `About 1/3 of the rooms have whirlpool baths!' gurgles the committee. "Rumblings" As Helicon ended, "Larry van der Putte" was spotted at hotel reception "in a suit", muttering furtively that he'd come for his appointment with the conference manager.... "Martin Hoare" and radiant "Jean Owen" were married on 30 April, twice -- registry office plus church. Fannishly, Martin had produced the church Order of Service himself, leading to `La la la la la' noises for missing lines in hymns; bits of the vows (`in sickness and in health') also went astray but were restored from memory by the vicar. The subsequent prolonged piss-up lapsed into what looked suspiciously like a series of Helicon post- mortems (John Richards: `I am "not" pleased with myself.') and Intersection muttering sessions (it's now rumoured that, PR1 not having appeared for Helicon as intended, the Dutch -- present in force at the wedding -- are taking over publications). Once Wedding Ops had spent ages crawling round the pub floor laying PA cables, the Langford best-man speech got its third airing to traditional yawns of delight. Hic. ### INFINITELY IMPROBABLE ### TAFF. After an epic tussle via "Ansible"'s fax machine, administrators Pam Wells and Jeanne Bowman announce that "Abigail Frost" is elected TAFF delegate to the 1993 Worldcon in San Francisco. There were 207 ballots, 192 expressing a preference. Under the 20% rule three candidates were instantly eliminated to leave Abigail winner by default (Michael Ashley failed to get 20% of the vote in Europe, Tony Berry in North America, Ashley Watkins anywhere). Boggled by this, the administrators nervously went through the whole single-transferable-vote procedure to see if anything would have come out differently: but no, the final-round count was TB 90, AF 93. When invited to make a victory statement, Ms Frost cried, `Oh "shite".' C.O.A. "Colin Fine," 33 Pembarton Drive, Bradford, BD7 1RA. "Steve Higgins" moans from France, `The weather here is truly beautiful, and I'm going back to Manchester. The budget's been cut and my contract cancelled. Back to the same old address' -- 50 Cannon St, Eccles, Manchester, M30 0FT. "Ken Lake" (until when, who knows?), c/o Mr George Bennett, Post Agency Matei, Taveuni, Fiji. "TAFF" (Europe), c/o Abigail Frost, 95 Wilmot St, London, E2 0BP. "Pam Wells," First Floor Flat, 14 Prittlewell Sq, Southend-on-Sea, SS1 1DW. "SF ENCYCLOPAEDIA." CD-ROM edition expected from Nimbus in late June or so (to show what they can do, they sent "Ansible" their disc of that now superseded sf reference "The King James Bible"). Attributed to Orbit publicist: `We don't send "Encyclopaedia" review copies to genre journalists 'cos they'll all have to buy it anyway.' [A Disaffected SF Journalist] Australia got country-wide saturation coverage: six review copies in toto. Computer magazines report a new spin-off, `the first Colour Look-Up Table Editor (CLUTE) from Visual Business Systems....' HAND OF THE BEAST: disconcertingly, Midnight Rose's shared world collection "The Weerde II" has cover artwork strangely similar to that L.Ron Hubbard "Invaders Plan" jacket last seen and deplored on the Conspiracy '87 pocket programme book. "SF NEXUS" magazine re-awakens ... `#3 out for Mexicon'. JAMES TIPTREE AWARD. This is interestingly funded by bake sales and cookbooks: I am now UK agent for the latter. Hordes of sf's famous and infamous contributed to "The Bakery Men Don't See" (90pp, a 1992 Hugo nominee) and "Her Smoke Rose Up from Supper" (112pp, new in 1993). Each #8.00 post free. LINES ON THE REMOVAL OF THE SF FOUNDATION TO LIVERPOOL: `So / Farewell then / North East London Polytechnic / As was. // "We can't afford it." / That was / Your catchphrase.' E.J.Thribb, age 17 1/2. "THE BLEARY EYES" is a 67pp collection of John Berry's legendary `Goon Defective Agency' fan-fictions (1956-9), published by Ken Cheslin, 10 Coney Grn, Stourbridge, W.Midlands, DY8 1LA. No price given. GAMES WORKSHOP VS TRANSWORLD drones on.... Though the appeal court upheld the injunction against TW sales of DARK FUTURE books by Laurence James, GWTM were made to pay half their own #60,000 costs after naughtily prevaricating about the existence of a crucial contract with Boxtree. "Judge:" `I find your attitude over this disingenuous in the extreme.' "L.James:" `Which is the legal equivalent of a headbutt.' In a separate case, TW are now challenging the original trademark grant on the basis that ordinary English phrases (e.g. "dark future") shouldn't be `fenced off' like this. Will it never end? ### THE GREASY POLE ### NEBULAS. Novel "Doomsday Book", Connie Willis. Novella `City of Truth', James Morrow. Novelette `Danny Goes to Mars', Pamela Sargent. Short `Even the Queen', Connie Willis. Grandmaster: Frederik Pohl. ["SFC"] [] EASTERCON AWARDS. Long text "Was ...", Geoff Ryman. Short text "Ansible" (gosh wow). Artwork "Kaeti on Tour/IZ66", Jim Burns. Dramatic: Illumination's fireworks. Doc Weir: Bridget Wilkinson. HUGO NOMINATIONS (argh).... Novel "China Mountain Zhang", Maureen F.McHugh; "Red Mars", Kim Stanley Robinson; "Steel Beach", John Varley; "A Fire Upon the Deep", Vernor Vinge; "Doomsday Book", Connie Willis. Novella `Uh-Oh City', Jonathan Carroll; `The Territory', Bradley Denton; `Protection', Maureen F.McHugh; "Stopping at Slowyear", Frederik Pohl; `Barnacle Bill the Spacer', Lucius Shepard. Novelette `True Faces', Pat Cadigan; `The Nutcracker Coup', Janet Kagan; `In the Stone House', Barry N.Malzberg; `Danny Goes to Mars', Pamela Sargent; `Suppose They Gave a Peace ...', Susan Shwartz. Short `The Winterberry', Nicholas A.DiChario; `The Mountain to Mohammed', Nancy Kress; `The Lotus and the Spear', Mike Resnick; `The Arbitrary Placement of Walls', Martha Soukup; `Even the Queen', Connie Willis. Nonfiction "Enterprising Women: TV fandom & the creation of popular myth", Camille Bacon-Smith; "The Costumemaker's Art" ed. Thom Boswell; "Virgil Finlay's Women of the Ages"; "Monad #2" ed. Damon Knight; "Let's Hear It for the Deaf Man", Dave Langford ed. Ben Yalow (`I'll get you for this,' writes Ed McBain); "A Wealth of Fable: an informal history of sf fandom in the 50s", Harry Warner Jr. Dramatic "Aladdin, Alien 3, Batman Returns, Bram Stoker's Dracula", `The Inner Light' ("ST:TNG"). Pro editor Ellen Datlow, Gardner Dozois, Beth Meacham, Kristine Kathryn Rusch, Stanley Schmidt. [] Pro artist Thomas Canty, David A.Cherry, Bob Eggleton, James Gurney, Don Maitz. Original art "Aristoi" (cover), Jim Burns; "Dinotopia", James Gurney; "F&SF Oct/Nov" (cover), Ron Walotsky; "Illusion" (cover), Michael Whelan; "IASFM Nov" (cover), M.Whelan. Semiprozine "Interzone, Locus, New York Review of SF, Pulphouse, SF Chronicle." Fanzine "File 770, FOSFAX, Lan's Lantern, Mimosa, Stet." Fan writer Mike Glyer, Andy Hooper, Dave Langford, Evelyn C.Leeper, Harry Warner Jr. Fan artist Teddy Harvia, Merle Insinga, Linda Michaels, Peggy Ranson, Stu Shiffman, Diana Harlan Stein. John W.Campbell Award (not a Hugo) Barbara Delaplace, Nicholas A.DiChario, Holly Lisle, Laura Resnick, Carrie Richerson, Michelle Sagara. 397 ballots cast. The new category `Best Translator' was dropped through apathy. Nominations declined: M.Whelan (pro artist), Boris Vallejo (original art). Easiest category to get into: original art, 9 votes needed. Hardest: pro artist, 47. [ConFrancisco] [] PHILIP K.DICK AWARD: "Through the Heart", Richard Grant. DITMARS (Australia): Long fiction "Quarantine", Greg Egan. Short `Closer', Greg Egan. Artwork "Blue Tyson" (cover), Nick Stathopoulos. Periodical "Eidolon". Fan writer Robin Pen. Criticism (Atheling award) `Australian SF Art Turns 50', Sean McMullen. `Everything except the long fiction and art appeared in "Eidolon", which distributed "How to Vote" cards during the election.' [D&LS] I miss my favourite Ditmar, `Best Fannish Cat'. [] CLARINET COMMUNICATIONS (USA) is doing an instant, electronic Hugo nominees' anthology, but left me uncharmed by offering mere lowly fan writers `a royalty share far less than that for the pro material'. Nagged about this, publisher Brad Templeton said he was trying to `reflect the values I perceived in the world of Hugos'. Gee, thanks a bundle. [] Ansible 70 (c) Dave Langford, 1993. Thanks to Paul Barnett, John Dallman, Abigail Frost, Seth Goldberg, Jeanne Gomoll, Helicon, Kim Huett, Andy Porter (still faxing Hugo data at 4am), Yvonne Rousseau, Mike Scott, SFC, Dick & Leah Smith, Alex `E.J.Thribb' Stewart, Chris Suslowicz, Bob Webber, Pam Wells and stakhanovite distributors Alan Stewart, Martin Tudor, SCIS and Bridget Wilkinson. (And perhaps soon Janice `Use me!' Murray.) 6/5/93 Posted by Dave Langford ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk ANSIBLE 71 JUNE 1993 From DAVE LANGFORD, 94 London Road, Reading, Berkshire, RG1 5AU. Fax 0734 669914. ISSN 0265-9816. "Ansible" is available for stamped addressed envelopes, whim, or even #12/year. Fanzine Control Number 5-271-009. [Disclaimer: Each issue of ANSIBLE is designed for exquisite DTP in multiple fonts. This text dump for CIX and Usenet looks awful. So it goes. DRL] MEXICON 5. The usual reprobates and bastard scum (phrase (c) Paul Barnett, 1993) gathered at the Hotel St Nicholas in Scarborough last weekend -- Friday being the 129th anniversary of the arrival of Maximilian of Habsburg in Veracruz to become Emperor of Mexico.... GoH "Pat Cadigan" remembered your editor from ConFiction, as evidenced by great ululating cries of `YOU DOG, LANGFORD!' on each encounter. Her micro-skirts absorbed much male attention until "Deborah Beale" turned up to share this arduous workload. High-hemmed copycats were soon sighted, "P.Barnett" in unspeakable shorts and unwontedly mini-skirted "Maureen Speller" muttering `I need velcro knees to keep my legs together.' Other GoH "Norman Spinrad"'s secret giant chilli recipe (`serves 100-150') was doled out by Hotel Portion Control on the basis that 600-1,200 people were to be fed, leading to exciting Eurosurpluses. [] "Low Cuisine:" in Scarborough a restaurant order of tagliatelle was liable to come with copious chips and Yorkshire pudding. "Lee Wood:" `Do you have any of that oil stuff, you know, with kind of peppers, you know, floating in it?' "Waitress:" `No. What makes you think we'd have that?' "Lee:" `Well, this "is" an Italian restaurant....' "Waitress:" `Yes, but it's in "Scarborough", for God's sake.' [PB] "Iain Banks" danced erotically with a giant inflatable Edvard Munch `Scream' doll from the "Linda Krawecke" Bad Taste Collection. "John Jarrold" loudly bewailed his 40th birthday but drowned the sorrow so effectively that he vanished for what seemed a whole day. "Faith Brooker" delivered a harpy tirade against worthless "Dave Langford" for having even mentioned the BSFA" Matrix" rumour that the Gollancz graphic-novels line might have folded. `We've signed up Pratchett's "Mort",' she screeched in triumph, `and something by Gaiman & McKean too, so "there"!' As your editor searched the floor for portions of his anatomy, Faith flounced off with the parting cry, `"AND MAKE SURE YOU PRINT THAT!"' "Colin Greenland" relentlessly plugged his new Arabian fantasy "Harem's Way". "Peter Weston" geriatrically wheezed: `I'm in Rotary now. Fandom for the over- 50s.' "Eileen Weston" looked fondly on young "Martin Smith" and cried, `Tighten those thighs, Martin!' "Gamma" hugely increased the health and sobriety level of Mexicon by (in company with D.West and founder Greg Pickersgill) not turning up. Also not drinking at Mexicon were "Rog Peyton" (`I just need to lose a few stone and then ...') and spiritually healed but still fragile "Simon Ounsley". "Ken Campbell"'s threatened one-man show "Pigspurt" became a try-out performance of its new sequel "Jamais Vu"; our all-"Stableford" review team reported `Great stuff ... beyond compare!' "(Brian)"; `A bit "rude".' "(Kate)" "BSFA Awards" went to Kim Stanley Robinson's "Red Mars" (novel), other other GoH Ian McDonald's `The Innocents' (short) and Jim Burns's "Hearts, Hands and Voices" cover (art). The long-heralded "BSFA AGM" saw what "Ch*rles Str*ss" called `wholly democratic unanimous votes and equally democratic one-candidate elections'. Co-ordinator "Kev McVeigh" was shuffled aside as Vice-President for Keeping Rather Quiet In Future, in favour of "Catie Cary" and "Maureen Speller"; the apathy-ridden Dramatic Presentation award category got the chop. "Linda Krawecke"'s Collection also gave Mexicon the "Abigail Frost" `Fuck Off And Die' editorial pistol, in the shape of a one-legged dinosaur with a huge, penile trigger; the revoltingly tactile rubber Brain (of Mexicon) with its large black moustache; and a video programme consisting entirely of epics like "Piranha Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death". "Pam Wells" managed to fall off two trains en route to the event and frequently showed people her scars. "Tom Shippey" gave the Mexicon Lecture, infuriating Tech people by hurling himself to and fro, away from the microphone, out of the spotlight, etc. `Who needs a PA to hear "Shippey"?' said one fan, adding: `And not being able to see him is a huge improvement.' "Late- night Vignette:" a bleary but drooling "Simon Polley" hotly demanded to know the name of that short-skirted beauty over there, until informed that she was his wife. "Intersection" was referred to in hushed, superstitious tones as The Scottish Convention, and Tim Illingworth (in absentia) as `the Thane'. "Rob Holdstock" panted, `The slap of a wet oak leaf is one of the things I love most.' Only "Nic Farey" managed to collect the quota of 30 bottle-tops from vile `Corona' Mexican beer required for a free t-shirt. "BASTARDS! SCUM! BASTARDS!" This tactful headline in the "Cactus Times" newsletter (following an argument about bar tables reserved `for hotel residents' but not for Mexicon members residing in the hotel) led to very careful apologies next issue. Meanwhile "Arnold Akien" showed how to complain about noise by telling a glazed-eyed receptionist, `There's this "expiring dinosaur" trapped within the "walls" of my "room"....' Plumbing problems seemed widespread; tact forbids discussion of how I survived 4 nights with no bath and a dud shower, but this proved worth 10% off my hotel bill. "Paul Brazier" amazed the world with the third issue of his utterly wonderful "Nexus SF" (#2.95), comprehensively reporting Mexicon IV in 1991. "The Kim Newman Appreciation Society" was unilaterally launched by "Linda Krawecke". Her live-in artist "Dave Carson" professed himself unable to do human faces, only Lovecraftian horrors, but seemed quite happy to sketch the idol of this fan club.... "Arriba!" ### THE EMPIRE NEVER ENDED ### KEN CAMPBELL offers further previews of "Jamais Vu" (follows "Furtive Nudist" and "Pigspurt" in an `epic comic triplology') in Sept/Oct; official world premiere Oct; SAE for fuller details. JOHN CLUTE revealed to an awed BSFA meeting that the secret of getting "Encyclopaedia"s into print was to swindle the publishers and never, never let them know how much over budget the thing will inevitably go. He cheerily hefted a wad of paper not as thick as the "SF Encyclopaedia" itself, being the initial batch of faxed corrections from the Americans.... A first update leaflet is available -- SAE to 221 Camden High St, NW1 7BU. "But:" `I have a "lot" of things to add to this,' chorused John Grant, Roger Robinson, Brian Stableford and many more. AVRAM DAVIDSON died on 8 May of a heart attack. He was 70. [CM] His best work ("The Phoenix and the Mirror, The Enquiries of Dr Eszterhazy") remains depressingly out of print. LESTER DEL REY died on 11 May or thereabouts. [JC] ANDY SAWYER became the SF Foundation's first paid administrator since 1980, after a death struggle between 55 applicants (whittled to a shortlist of 6, including Brian Stableford). His scientifictional duties in Liverpool begin on 1 August. ANDREW STEPHENSON -- COMIX MEGASTAR? Andrew is in process of selling a `new comic character' to Marvel UK after 3 years of trying. A 4-book miniseries may be on the cards; no details revealed except that the whole thing is `dead intelligent'. GEORGE TURNER (76) suffered a stroke in late April, while his flatmate was away. `[He] was paralysed on the right side, and couldn't speak, and therefore couldn't telephone anyone. So he cleaned himself up as best he could, and then waited three days until his biographer Judith Buckrich happened to telephone. George lifted the receiver, and Judith realized when no one spoke that something was wrong, and came and found him.' [YR] At last report (now some weeks ago) he was recovering in hospital, fed by IV but `extremely perky'.... KARL EDWARD WAGNER addends: `U fergot to mention that the highlight of the Author C.Burk Award Bash was when yer man stood up to say he wasn't going to make a speech and then spoke for seven hours nonstop, whilst we peons drank funny beers and only ten quid a bottle. Dave Carson and I found a dish of olives before passing out from boredom. We ate them. I had to tell Dave about the pits. The ones in the olives.' ### CONCUPISCIBLE? ### 9 Jun BSFA, The Conservatory, with Colin Greenland. #1. 10 Jun INTERSECTION `is having a ConFrancisco brainstorm at LCFI, 19:00-ish on. All welcome.' [JG-A] I gather this means the Royal Oak pub, Pimlico; St James's Park tube. 18 Jun BRITISH FANTASY SOC open night with F.Paul Wilson. 18:30 onward at Falkland Arms, Bloomsbury Way, London. 25-7 Jun UNICON (sf; not a Unicon), Unicorn Hotel, Bristol. #20 reg. Contact 55 Kildare Rd, Knowle, Bristol, BS4. 26 Jun WEDDING: Maureen Speller and Paul Kincaid. 12-19 Sep MILFORD (UK) SF WRITERS' CONFERENCE, in Keswick, Cumbria. Published authors only. Contact 56 More Close, St Paul's Ct, Gliddon Rd, London, W14 9BN. 30-31 Oct OCTOCON (Irish national con), Royal Marine Hotel, Dun Laoghaire. GoH Storm Constantine, Steve Dillon. #15 reg. Contact 20 Newgrove Ave, Sandymount, Dublin 4. 27-30 May 94 INCONCEIVABLE (humour/sf), Tudor Court Hotel near Derby. #20 reg (#18 for Octarine or ZZ9 members). Contact 12 Crich Ave, Littleover, Derby, DE23 6ES. Ho ho! "Rumblings" The Scottish Convention: 1995 worldcon co-chair Vince Docherty (still in Oman) has now stepped down in favour of awesome Martin Easterbrook. `Given the lassitude Intersection is displaying over processing cheques and issuing PRs,' says tactful Steve Green, `shouldn't they be placed in charge of next year's Grand National? At least we'd be sure it wouldn't start prematurely.' CONFABULATION: in the tradition of wicked beermat scrawls from Croydon, a faxed "Computer Weekly" story about a conference in the Docklands Britannia Hotel ('95 Eastercon venue) claims the place was `too yuppie' even for computer people, who whinged about `#2 for a small lager' and stayed away in droves. [DVB] A one- day MEXICON 6 may happen in '94 for the 10th anniversary (and 20th of Tynecon) -- venue undecided, but `somewhere on Inter-City': London, Brum, Newcastle? So far all is flux, but the '94 date offers the possibility of skipping to a MEXICON 7 in '96 and avoiding the UK Worldcon year. ### INFINITELY IMPROBABLE ### AMERITEMPS? The Midnight Rose shared-world collective is crossing its fingers madly over a rumour that Roc in the USA (having bemusedly noticed that several copies were sold) might now publish a "Best Of the Roc-UK Anthologies" collection. FOOD CORNER with DUFF co-winner Leah Smith: `Because Leah is the food-page editor of her local newspaper, she felt obliged in Perth to sample the local "cuisine", including witchetty grubs. I understand that Terry Pratchett ate witchetty grubs (cooked, in French-style garlic sauce) with great enjoyment, anticipating the ghoulish pleasure of describing his deed later to Brits with sensitive stomachs -- but I think Leah managed to eat only half a grub (in which she could distinguish the taste only of garlic sauce). I am sorry to say that (simply meaning to be helpful) I mentioned that the traditional way to eat witchetty grubs was raw and wriggling.... We showed Leah some of the Australian Broadcasting Commission's video "Bush Tucker Man", in which Major Les Hiddens and a group of Aboriginal people eat alive not only witchetty grubs and sugar ants, but also a muddy-looking species of worm. No doubt because she was falling asleep where she sat, Leah providentially had her eyes closed through most of this.' [YR] "Also sighted Down Under:" `visiting awful fantasy writer Robert Jordan, of whom it was agreed that sending him out on tour was a very good way to warn people off buying his books.' [JH] C.O.A. ETC. "Ken Lake:" last issue's Fiji address is no longer valid. "Helen McNabb", 1 Grange Gdns, Llantwit Major, S Glam, CF61 2UX. "SF Nexus" costs #10/4 issues ($25 outside UK) to PO Box 1123, Brighton, BN1 6JS. "Sylvia Starshine", Flat 7, Stanhope Rd, Highgate, N6. HAZEL'S LANGUAGE LESSONS: SWAHILI. "Colin Fine" explains that words beginning "ki-" pluralize to "vi-", and thus "vipilefti", `roundabouts', is the inevitable plural of "kipilefti".... ASIMOV AWARD ... it had to come. $500 annual prize for the best unpublished sf/fantasy short by a full-time undergraduate. Guidelines and submissions: "Asimov Award", USF 3177, 4204 E.Fowler, Tampa, FL 33620- 3177, USA. Deadline 15 Nov. "JOHN W.CAMPBELL LETTERS VOL II": Asimov & van Vogt correspondence now out, $47 inc from AC Projects, 5106 Old Harding Rd, Franklin, TN 37064. Overseas post may be extra. [GH] TAX ASSESSMENT. Has Jack Vance had some experience of UK freelance taxation? In his novel "Throy", the official term for brutal and summary punishment without trial is ... Schedule D. HARPERCOLLINS SCIENCE FICTION AND FANTASY will be the new, easily pronounced replacement for the boring old Grafton and Fontana imprints -- as of August. ["Fire & Water", May] JOYFUL TIDINGS. Rumour has it that famous "Joy Hibbert" is expecting a baby fathered by reclusive hyperfan "Harry Bond", while erstwhile menage member "Dave Rowley" is in retreat somewhere else with someone else. "Abigail Frost" is `considering as my inaugural TAFF fundraiser a sweepstake on whether the brat's first words will be "Blhog, Fiawol, Beanie" or "Castrate the bastards!"' CORRECTIONS. "A70": one Hugo short-story nomination omitted, `The Arbitrary Placement of Walls' by Martha Soukup. "Pat Cadigan" demands an abject apology for "Ansible"'s suggestion that (in connection with certain "Pulphouse/F&SF" editorial advice) she once said `Blow it out your ass!' This, she raged, was `just the START of a 20-MINUTE DRUNKEN TIRADE!' We grovel. BSFA LIFE MEMBERSHIPS are now available at #150. Strewth! FICTION SUPPLEMENT. A Mexicon newsletter competition for 8-word novels (idea pinched from Nick Lowe) was won by Andy Lane's "The 90s SF Novel Revisited:" `Elvis calling Mars. Kennedy dead. I'm coming home.' Best retelling: Brian Stableford's "The Time Machine by A.Morlock:" `Stuff good public relations, there's Eloi for tea!'. (The other judge preferred his "The Island of Dr Moreau by A.Beast:" `Hand over your women! Are we not men?') My own condensed "Bug Jack Barron" was ruled ineligible ... `Forever, televised live, she sucked his nitty-gritty.' MAIL AUCTION. Brian Ameringen offers six coveted "Diana Wynne Jones" first editions (1973-6). SAE for complicated details to 9 Graham Rd, Wealdstone, Harrow, HA3 5RP. First bidding round ends 30 June. SPELLBOUND. "Harpers Magazine" featured lists of words from noted novels at which a spell-checker balked. In Stephen King's "Misery", for example: "autocannibalism, effword, ensouled, flumping, goosepimples, gravedigger, gunsel, guthole, horrorscope, incantatory, kaka, perfervid, pigfeed, poxy, strappado, stuporously, uncoalesced, weals, whoink...." TAFF VOX POP. Normal alternation means a Europe->NA race in '95 when the Worldcon's over "here". So there's a mini-referendum on what to do: skip a year? shuffle the sequence? Forms from "Abigail Frost." THE ONLIE BEGETTER: `Back in 1977 a debut novel called "Sword of Shannara" appeared and immediately invented the Epic Fantasy scene. Moving light-years away from the traditional theme of flawed futures, it instead depicted a fantastic other world of our mythological past. "[... The SHANNARA series]" made Terry Brooks into one of the most powerful names in fantasy fiction as well as one of the most widely imitated.' ("W.H.Smith Bookcase #43") Imitated, presumably, by feisty young plagiarists Morris, Eddison and Tolkien among others.... ["DW"] [] Ansible 71 (c) Dave Langford, 1993. Thanks to Paul Barnett, David V.Barrett, Chris Bell, CACTUS TIMES, John Clute, DREAMBERRY WINE, Mike Ford, Abigail Frost, John Grant, Jacky Gruter-Andrew, Judith Hanna, George Hay, Caroline Mullan, Necronomicon Press, Roger Robinson, Yvonne Rousseau and -- as ever -- Our Hero Distributors. 3/6/93 Posted by Dave Langford ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk ANSIBLE 72 JULY 1993 From DAVE LANGFORD, 94 London Road, Reading, Berkshire, RG1 5AU. Fax 0734 669914. ISSN 0265-9816. "Ansible" is available for SAEs, whim, #12/year, etc. Kim Newman Appreciation Society artwork by DAVE MOORING. [Disclaimer: Each issue of ANSIBLE is designed for exquisite DTP in multiple fonts. This text dump for CIX and Usenet looks awful. So it goes. DRL] WATCH THIS SPACE: as we go to press the death struggle between Little, Brown and Millennium to commission the "Fantasy Encyclopaedia" (companion volume to ...) is in its final phase. ### THE MARCH OF MIND ### PIERS ANTHONY's personal statements are always intellectual treats. In the "British Fantasy Society Newsletter"'s `Desert Island Books' spot he chooses, for his `single item of no practical use whatsoever', a critic. Also he would take "Finnegans Wake" plus a guide to understanding it (written presumably by a cr*t*c), and the complete works of George Bernard Shaw (that fine dramatic and musical cr*t*c). Why Shaw? `As an outspoken vegetarian writer of greater competence than the critics claim, I relate well to him....' I love it, I love it. ["BFSN"] DAVID CLARK, ConFrancisco chair, warns of new convention peril: Vampire Cats in Arizona! `At Westercon, there was a woman going around with a black cat. The cat wore a black cape with a red lining. This was Vladimir, a "vampire". His fangs were rather long, though I'm told this isn't uncommon in cats. He was being wheeled around in a little coffin, being made available for photographs. His mistress -- his "human slave", as she puts it -- is working to build Vladimir a career as a photogenic cat for commercials, TV and such. (He was so relaxed about dealing with people that we were debating which tranquillizer had been used.) At the Vladimir Party it was revealed unto us that we could purchase Vladimir mounted photographs, and Vladimir key-chains, and Vladimir photo buttons. "And" the Vladimir fanzine. We were able to tear ourselves away from this bounty....' LES DAWSON, who died in June, will be remembered as a very funny comedian and not -- we hope -- for his staggeringly awful horror-fantasy "A Time Before Genesis" (1988). See `How "Not" To Write A Novel' by David Garnett in "Vector" 144. LILIAN EDWARDS knows how to acquire "Ansible"s: `Stamped addressed envelopes? I'll get my secretary to send you some.' WILLIAM GOLDING of "Lord of the Flies" fame died on 19 June aged 81. Anthony Burgess's obituary complained that WG didn't write enough; a great scratching of pens was heard as the obvious rejoinder was added to many draft Burgess obits.... JOHN GRANT exults: `Red Fox have seen sense and decided that 12 LONE WOLF novels is probably enough. The temptation is considerable to make #12 end with the most stupendous cliffhanger -- as Our Hero dangles by a single blade of grass over the cauldron of bubbling lava, a crossbow- bolt is already hissing towards his groin, but if the caterpillar chews through the grass in time he'll drop just far enough that the bolt merely parts his hair rather than getting him in the chest, so that as he falls he can unsheathe the Sommerswerd, strap it across his shoulders and thereby gain just enough airlift that he can glide past the rim of the cauldron and into the relative safety of a pitched battle between mutant necromancers and giant carnivorous slugs left over from millennia ago when the legions of Agarash the Damned stalked the world; on the other hand, if the caterpillar chews just a mite too slowly ... "could this be The End?" It's going to be hard for me to get out of the habit, you know.' DAVID A.HARDY announces the 20th birthday of his green plasticene alien `Bhen' (created 1973; seen on various "F&SF" covers since Nov 75; endemic in Birmingham). Dave protests that Bhen is not a `little green man' but, as evident from the scale of accompanying NASA hardware in the paintings, over 2.5 metres tall. "How did a mere artist afford all that plasticene?" DAVE LANGFORD whinges that "PCW Plus" magazine is axing his legendary column (along with other outside contributions) as part of a cost-cutting exercise. He confidently expects his millions of fans not to write in and complain. CHRIS PRIEST visited the doctor to have a horrid mole removed and became a guinea pig: `While I was in the waiting room, a man was sitting there with a big case and a large bottle of liquid nitrogen. Ha ha, thought I, smart-aleck as ever, bet he's in for a kidney transplant. Turns out he's a rep from a medical supplies company, here to demonstrate a nifty new liquid-nitrogen scalpel on, well, er, me. I now have a black crater where my chest was, slowly warming up....' Besides the ignominy of being operated on by a "salesman", Chris had to go back a week later for a real doctor to finish the (botched) job. After which he was `stitched together by the head of the Dartmoor Mailbag Division'.... DAVID PRINGLE has `combined' his ailing "Million: the Magazine About Popular Fiction" (now, alas, down to 500-odd subscribers) with "Interzone". Anyone remember the "Million/IZ" crossover issue furore? No, actually the merger announcement scheduled for "IZ74" radiates soothing signals in all directions: erstwhile "Million" subscribers will get "IZ" and are assured that several "Million" features like Brian Stableford's `Yesterday's Bestsellers' series will continue to appear there, while for "IZ" readers the message is that "Interzone" `will not change its nature'. [DP] CARL SAGAN habitually asks UFO nuts who claim contact with alien intelligence to prove it by passing on the superior ETs' proof of Fermat's Last Theorem. Following Prof.A.Wiles's mindboggling announcement of a proof at a Cambridge lecture on 23 June, Sagan could soon be getting a lot of mail.... Since the hard bit reputedly runs to 200 pages, Fermat was right: a bloody enormous margin will be needed to contain it. ### CONDYLOPODS ### 2 Jul "WEERDE 2" anthology signing, 5:30, Dillon's, Oxford. 3 Jul ARMAGEDDON FIREWORKS, Whitchurch, Reading -- contact Martin Hoare or Hugh Mascetti. #4 at the gate. 14 Jul BSFA, The Conservatory/Munchen upstairs bar. Chris Evans and Garry Kilworth hold forth. 7:30ish. 17-19 Jul CONTAGION (Trek), Hospitality Inn, Glasgow. #35 reg. Contact PO Box 867, Rutherglen, G73 4HR. 24 Jul DANGERCON V (humorous sf/kids' TV), Croydon. #3 reg. 11am- 11pm. Contact 37 Keens Rd, Croydon, CR0 1AH. 30 Jul-1 Aug LUNICON (Unicon 14), Leeds. GoH Roger Zelazny. #12 reg, #6 for students. Contact LUU, PO Box 157, Leeds, LS1 1UH. 1 Aug WOTTACON ("Dr Who"), Imperial Hotel, Exeter. #12.50 reg. Contact 3 Victoria Clo, Kenton, Exeter, EX6 8JX. 2-6 Sep CONFRANCISCO (51st Worldcon), San Francisco. Reg $125 to 16 Jul, then $145 at the door. Contact (UK) 12 Stannard Rd, London, E8 1DB. 12-19 Sep MILFORD (UK) SF WRITERS' CONFERENCE cancelled. Too many people going to ConFrancisco instead, they say. [CS] 1-3 Oct FANTASYCON XVIII, Nameless (in the flyer, anyway) Hotel, Birmingham. #30 reg; BFS members #20. Contact 137 Priory Rd, Hall Green, Birmingham, B28 0TG. 12-14 Nov ARMADACON V, Astor Hotel, The Hoe, Plymouth. #20 reg. Various guests, all `subject to work commitments'. Contact 4 Gleneagle Ave, Mannamead, Plymouth, PL3 5HL. 4-6 Mar 94 MASQUE III (costume con), Stakis Victoria Hotel, Nottingham. #20 reg to 30 Dec 93. Contact 4 Ednaston Ct, Ashbourne, Derbyshire, DE6 3BA. 20-22 May 94 CORFLU NOVA (fanzine con), Arlington, VA, USA. $37 reg. Contact PO Box 1350, Germantown, MD 20875. Corflu plans to exhume a long-dead horror: the partly rugose and partly squamous Fanzine Activity Achievement Awards. "Rumblings" The Scottish Convention's first progress report was sighted at a fan gathering on 27 June. Many swooned or spoke in tongues. Miraculous cures were rumoured. Pigs flew. That SPELLER/KINCAID WEDDING (26 June) was a riot of something or other, with standing room only in Folkestone's tiny registry office. Our fashion reporter forgets everything but Paul's puce paisley waistcoat and the bell-bedizened anklets that best woman Moira Shearman was persuaded to remove for the actual ceremony. The bride wore something purple with glittery bits. Others wore clothes. Best man Chris Priest almost made a speech but thought better of it, thus wasting the nanoseconds of research which had supplied him with the Doc Smith marriage line traditionally quoted at all Martin Hoare's weddings: "`Then, as Kinnison kissed his wife, half a million Lensed members were thrust upward in silent salute.'" The rest is drunken silence. ### INFINITELY IMPROBABLE ### "A71" CORRECTIONS. It was BSFA "Matrix" 104, not infallible "Critical Wave", which rumoured that the Gollancz graphic-novels line might be folding and led to hapless Dave `Well, I Just Mentioned There "Was" A Rumour' Langford being severely chastised by Gollancz's Faith `Strict Disciplinarian' Brooker. Also "Paul Barnett"'s lawyers demand the insertion of the statement (re Mexicon), `It was "Stross"'s shorts that were unspeakable.' HODLINE OR HEADER? Hodder & Stoughton sent circulars to their authors on 3 June, insisting that the coming merger with Headline as Hodder Headline PLC was a Jolly Good Thing. What luck -- one fewer sf list to worry about selling to! EXOTIC IMAGERY. Reported in a forthcoming Robert Jordan epic: `The words left Elaida's mouth like a whip.' `Now Danelle's big blue eyes looked thoughtfully inward.' [Anon] Aussie radio, of a corpse: `In an advanced state of decomposition, she was said to be an affectionate mother.' ["SoEN"] STAMP OUT MORIARTY! UK stamps depicting scenes and people from Sherlock Holmes stories are to appear on 12 Oct, marking the centenary of Holmes's `death' at the Reichenbach Falls (er, but ...). David Pringle suggests `a write-in campaign on behalf of Wells's Martians', but that centenary isn't until 1998: how about Eloi and Morlock stamps for "The Time Machine" in '95? "MENG & ECKER 6", latest issue of the first comic to be banned in the UK, turned up from Savoy Books. The highlight is a 7-page official transcript of the Greater Manchester Police interviewing scriptwriter David Britton about seized comics last year: it's non-communication to the point of surrealism. I wasn't that wild about the comic itself, which offers a scattering of OK jokes amid much murky artwork and determined Greater Manchester Police-baiting (good heavens, such "bravery", here is someone "screwing a pig", the frontiers of art are "hurled back"). But I would defend to the point of extremely minor inconvenience Savoy's right to publish it. The price is #1.75. C.O.A. ETC. "Dick & Leah Smith", 410 W.Willow Rd, Prospect Hts, IL 60070-1250, USA (a road is being built through their old place!). "Hazel Marchington & Robert Newman" will be married on 2 July. [MP] "SF ENCYCLOPAEDIA" UPDATES. The most mysterious item in the "SFE" update sheet (see "A71") came from Harlan ELLISON: `"The Book of Ellison" (1978) is unauthorized.' Since most of its text is by HE himself, this implies wicked literary piracy on the part of publisher Algol Press -- that is, Andrew Porter of "SF Chronicle" infamy, who remarks somewhat bitterly that HE never objected when receiving royalties: `If the book was unauthorized, then Ellison's left hand didn't know what his right hand was agreeing to.' Spies report that the most vituperative comments came from Piers Anthony, that one of the US computer nets rang with cries of rage at the `omission' of Vonda McIntyre (someone misunderstood the alphabetization convention), and that Larry Niven responded to "SFE" hints about loss of `joy' in his later work by sadly agreeing it was so. An even newer update sheet is expected soon, as addenda pour in. The "Nimbus" CD-ROM edition planned for `late June' seems to have been delayed, but they've sent another jolly sample CD of their wares, 128Mb including all of "Frankenstein" and "Dracula...." RAIDERS OF THE LOST DUCK. Anecdote from `Lucasfilm Archives, a state-of-the-art 28,000 sq ft barn': archivist Don Bies grows weary of visitors asking if they can open the Ark of the Covenant from "Raiders", and of telling them their very souls might be endangered. So inside the thing he places two objects, and waits. In due course a brave fool lifts the lid and reels back at ultimate horror: a Howard the Duck mask and a sign reading I TOLD YOU YOU'D REGRET OPENING IT. [DLR] Gosh, how droll. TEN YEARS AGO. The "TLS" discussed Japanese comics' conventional sounds for activities like slurping noodles ("suru-suru"), reddening with embarrassment ("po"), adding cold cream to hot coffee ("suron") and vanishing into thin air ("fu"). The news that `When a penis suddenly stands erect the accepted sound is "biin"' led to wild surmise about a Japanese origin for the famous sound of Heinlein's nipples, "spung".... ("Ansible 34", Jul 83) ### PROOFS OF HOLY WRIT ### [Fascinating documents float around the world of publishing. Paul Barnett worked on the proofs of the coming "Before the Sun Falls" by William James, and felt it was so awfully written that it would damage Orbit's reputation if not heavily edited. Orbit decided not to bother: the author is said to be `touchy' about his immortal prose. Here's an excerpt from a very long Barnett letter to the Orbit editor....] For example, we have what I've come to call cliche-rivers. The author doesn't quite know what to do with his characters when they're mouthing dialogue, and has a limited gamut of incidental actions for them to perform. In any twenty-page stretch of the text you're almost certain to encounter not just a few but "all" of the following at least once, some of them (as asterisked) several times over: *he showed his teeth *he gave him a hard, flat, cold, level or expressionless stare (about every two pages someone gives someone else a stare of some kind -- I particularly liked the single despairing instance of giving `an oblique stare') he produced a "[pick from the limited variety above]" stare *he looked down his nose *he wrinkled his nose *he smiled grimly he smiled sourly *he grinned the corners of his mouth twitched *he pursed his lips (this one is so frequent it was driving me nuts) *the head came round *his head went back his head came up his st'lyan screamed his st'lyan danced (first third of book only) he sidestepped his st'lyan (latter two-thirds of book only) he opened his mouth, then closed it again [] he clenched his teeth he seemed/appeared to do something (while in fact doing it -- as in `he appeared to hesitate') *he made a face [] something flashed in his eyes but then was gone he reined around [] his eyes went wide he nodded (after having spoken an assent) he shook his head (after having spoken a dissent or negation) he rolled the cup between the palms of his hands it was as if a message of some kind passed between them he stirred the grass with his toe Others are more localized. For example, early on a shipboard Kubulai spits expressively over the side; just a few pages later someone else comes up and, presumably inspired by his lord's example, "also" spits expressively over the side. This is in the midst of all the other, expressionless spits over the side that are going on, you understand.... "[There is much more. A st'lyan, I gather, is a bit like a h'rse.]" Ansible 72 (c) Dave Langford, 1993. Thanks to John Bangsund's Society of Editors Newsletter, Paul Barnett, John Clute, Mark Plummer, Andy Porter, David Pringle, David L.Russell and Our Distributors: Vikki Lee France, Steve Jeffrey, Janice Murray, Charlie `I will make you famous on the Net' Stross, Alan Stewart, Martin Tudor and Bridget Wilkinson. 1/7/93 Posted by Dave Langford ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk ANSIBLE 73 AUGUST 1993 From DAVE LANGFORD, 94 London Road, Reading, Berkshire, RG1 5AU. Fax 0734 669914. ISSN 0265-9816. "Ansible" can be had by accosting the editor, by making him rich, or for stamped addressed envelopes (1 per copy). [Disclaimer: Each issue of ANSIBLE is designed for exquisite DTP in multiple fonts. This text dump for CIX and Usenet looks awful. So it goes. DRL] ### NIGHT'S BLACK AGENTS ### MIKE BISHOP struggles to write something suitable on an "`I was an American Spy!'" movie postcard: `On a secret mission to your country last year, I sifted through the trash of John Major and discovered via discarded subscription labels that he regularly reads "Soldier of Fortune, Fortune, The New Yorker," DC Comics' "Wasteland, The New Hampshire Waste Control Digest, Watch Your Waist with Richard Simmons" and other publications I am too discreet to list on a postcard. / No one in your country will buy "Count Geiger's Blues". Are you responsible?' "[Never -- Ed.]" JOHN BRUNNER, sad to say, is now sending out a depressed circular about the poor state of his marriage with LiYi (`I asked whether she would take #20,000 to go back to China....'). PAT CADIGAN, voice of moderation, supplies another soundbite: `Nobody tells "me" I can't puke on a few fans if I want to!' STEPHEN MARLEY was bemused to discover, on the BY THE SAME AUTHOR page of his "Mortal Mask", that his novel about the Madonna is called "The Life of the Virgin Marley". [PB] COLIN MURRAY, ace Orbit editor, responds to "A72"'s leaked comments on the "Before the Sun Falls" proofs: `It's a most unusual occurrence for obsessive proofreaders who send slightly crazed four-page faxes to publishers to admit to such personality defects in print, even in such august and highbrow publications as "Ansible". Since Paul Barnett has courageously chosen to come out of the closet and admit to a problem in public, it may be useful for "Ansible" readers to learn how the affliction is best coped with by those closest to the sufferer. `The first course of action is to thank him (those so afflicted are almost always male) for the efforts he has taken and to indicate whether or not (usually not) he can expect any result from them and why. It is very important at this stage to make soothing noises. Otherwise there can be major inflammation of the ego with all its symptoms: the patient taking himself too seriously and so forth. `In the event that the condition persists, it is appropriate to remind the proofreader that he is just that -- someone who reads proofs against copy to determine the accuracy of the printer -- and while his views are valued, there have to be very pressing reasons (sometimes there are) to put a succession of minor points to the author at that late stage. After all, authors are also entitled to strong views about their prose and often, to the apparent surprise of the sufferer, express them forcefully. `In the virulent form of the disease, as here, it is necessary (leaving aside matters of trust and confidentiality) to remind the sufferer that F.R.Leavis didn't care much for James Joyce's prose, and to ask him if he, as the writer of such distinguished and memorable lines as "Rehan was seasick for most of the two-day crossing, and Kursten tended him solicitously except when she didn't" (p.218, "The World", "John Grant") really has much sound advice to offer other writers. `If all this fails than one can always suggest that the sufferer think seriously about the so-called Charles Platt option, and consider having his head cryogenically frozen -- immediately.' [9-7-93] CHRIS PRIEST escaped national fame in July: `For the fiftieth year running, "The Guardian" neglected to note my birthday....' STEVE SNEYD `just read a poem of mine "re" an alien spy passing as "one of us" (John Major?) as light relief in a Radio Sussex UFO phone-in (by invitation & on their phone bill, thank dog) -- felt the guy who'd seen UFOs over Brighton 7 miles up and been told by the fuzz it was light glinting off seagulls' wings had me well beaten in the poetic imagery stakes.' THEODORE STURGEON, I learned only when Leslie Charteris died this year, ghosted the oddest of all the Saint stories: `The Darker Drink' (1947) -- retitled `Dawn' in the 1949 "Saint Errant". DAVID WINGROVE's legendary Chung Kuo series is being repackaged by NEL: it was doing less well than hoped, and the covers must be at fault. Out goes the `hard sf' image (they say; looked like a chinoiserie image to me). In come sensuous Jim Burns covers from US editions, with the words Chung Kuo reduced to microprint. The new blurb line `Bladerunner meets Shogun in the epic future history' has provoked imitations ... offered a similar catchphrase for "Harm's Way", Colin Greenland paled at `Doc Smith rapes Jane Austen on the high spaceways!' DW adds: `I actually went to China for the first time last month -- courtesy of "YOU" magazine (they're running an article on the trip 5 Sept) -- and loved it. It was genuinely like being on an alien planet ... all those X's and Z's in the names, and Dongs and Wangs everywhere you looked.' [21 July] ROGER WODDIS the poet and parodist died in July aged 76: sf fans will remember his "Prisoner" script, "Hammer into Anvil". ### CONESSINE ### 7-15 Aug MINEHEAD SPACE AGE EXHIBITION. Contact Town Hall, The Parade, Minehead, TA24 5NB. 0643 707213. 11 Aug BSFA meeting cancelled -- the Conservatory pub has cast it out for not drinking enough (boo, hiss). 27-30 Aug HOLODECK, 36th UK Trek con, Telford Moat House Hotel. Contact PO Box 29, Hitchin, Herts, SG4 9TG. 27-29 Aug GREENWOOD IV ("Robin of Sherwood"), Shepperton Moat House Hotel, Middlesex. #28 reg. Contact `High Hopes', La Vrangue, St Peter Port, Guernsey, C.I. 29-31 Aug EUROPEAN SKEPTICS' CONFERENCE with `alternative medicine' focus, Keele Univ. #25 reg. Contact 10 Crescent View, Loughton, Essex, IG10 4PZ. 081 508 2989. 2-6 Sep CONFRANCISCO (51st Worldcon), Moscone Convention Centre, San Francisco: $145 at the door. 4-5 Sep PANOPTICON ("Dr Who"), Novotel Hotel, London. Contact PO Box 357, London, SW19 8BT. ?Jun 94 MEXICON 6, most probably a `one-day programme, between two hotel nights ... in Newcastle'. #9.50 reg. Contact 121 Cape Hill, Smethwick, Warley, West Midlands, B66 4SH. 25 Jul 94 COSMIC EXPLOSION caused by giant comet hitting Jupiter (final deadline). Surely no sf fan would wish to avert such a spectacle by meeting God's blackmail demands -- as conveyed by `Sister Marie Gabriel' in full-page UK newspaper ads, beginning "`Drastically reduce the crime rate by copying Saudi Arabia's successful system of law and order'", and also requiring the abolition of porn, alcohol, vivisection, war and immodest female dress. However, Sister Nutter warns that `global extinction by a giant asteroid' will follow if we don't take heed. [JN] 29-30 Oct 94 WHO'S 7 ("Dr Blake" event), Queens Hotel, Crystal Palace, London. `Featuring guests.' #30 reg to end 93. Contact 131 Norman Rd, Leytonstone, London, E11 4RJ. ### INFINITELY IMPROBABLE ### THE THE SUN SUN FALLS FALLS? SF gossip circles buzzed all July with rumours about William James's SUNFALL (Orbit), a `Mongol hordes on distant planet' trilogy comprising "The Earth is the Lord's", "The Other Side of Heaven" and (unpublished; coincidentally mentioned last issue) "Before the Sun Falls". Parts of the published books are said to bear an uncanny resemblance to scenes in Cecilia Holland's 1969 historical novel about Mongol hordes, "Until the Sun Falls". Merely scanning James's Book 1 and the first 50pp of Holland's, an "Ansible" spy found and sent me several corresponding passages not easily explained via common nonfictional research sources ... there are similar bits of dialogue and action as well as background. According to the grapevine, publishers Little, Brown had all the documents in the case examined and subsequently Discussed Things with James -- who allegedly muttered of reading the Holland book long ago and being now amazed by the quirk of memory that led him to echo certain of its scenes. In mid-July "Ansible" asked LB/Orbit about the truth of all this chatter and still awaits the company's official, stalwart defence of its author. EXPLAIN IT AGAIN, PROFESSOR. Circular to subscribers: `I hope that you enjoyed the final issue of "Quantum", which, as you know, was our final issue.' ("SF Eye" replacement subs are offered.) C.O.A. ETC. "Lilian Edwards" ["temporary", 12 Aug-15 Dec], 3854 W 38th Ave, Vancouver, BC, V6N 2Y4, Canada. "Mike Ford" longs to share a room at ConFrancisco: groupies phone 0532 753663. "Gwen Funnell", 25 St Leonards Rd, Hove, E.Sussex, BN3 4QP. "Zy Nicholson", Room 6, 100 Lower Oldfield Pk, Bath, Avon, BA2 3HS. "Tim Richards & Narrelle Harris", ex- pat Aussies, urge fans touring Egypt to contact them: ILI, Mohamed Bayoumi St, off Merghani St, Heliopolis, Cairo. "Pam Wells", lured to a Southend flat by her new job, has lost the job (ouch).... BRAM STOKER AWARD: the annual prize for best horror novel went to Thomas Monteleone's "Blood of the Lamb". ["SFC"] FOOD & TRANSLATION. Yvonne Rousseau idly wonders `whether British eaters have a version of "Nutella": a cocoa-flavoured hazelnut spread, popular both here and in its birthplace Italy? "[Yes -- Ed.]" William Weaver publicly admitted (at an Adelaide Festival Writers' Week) that he represents "hazelnut spread", when translating Italian fiction for American readers, as "peanut butter", because he opines that peanut butter is of equivalent popularity in the U.S., and that the General Reader will never have heard of hazelnut spread (which, moreover, he himself esteems to be yukky). In the same spirit, in "Foucault's Pendulum", Weaver wrote "Barbara Cartland" in place of the popular Italian novelist that Eco had actually mentioned -- thus causing unnecessary puzzlement to this reader ("Do Italians really dote on translations of Barbara Cartland? Why does she appeal to them?"). Listening to Weaver, I grew steadily more ferociously opposed to his Principles of Translation and to his underlying Estimate of the Common Reader and of the Only Important Culture that readers-of-English inhabit....' WHO ARE THE 50 MOST POWERFUL PEOPLE IN SF? asks Paul Di Filippo in "SF Age" (July), and gives his choices. Listed earth-shakers of UK origin or address: J.G.Ballard, Arthur C.Clarke, John Clute, David Garnett, and an exultant DAVID PRINGLE (now planning his own "Interzone" list of 50 "British" SF Potentates).... "THE GLAMOUR": BBC Radio 4 version of Priest novel repeated Mon 27 Sept (19:45) for fans who missed its Eastercon airing. GOSSIP. `... barely averted fisticuffs at the impromptu "Dave Party" at the Conservatory's Banks/Greenland signing, where several Daves reportedly had to intervene between Gamma and the manager after Gamma decided to annexe a large portion of the downstairs bar "for Daves only"....' [AoK] ALTERNATE HISTORY. I was not aware that I had ever painted Zsa Zsa Gabor's face, let alone Pee Wee Herman's, but "Fangoria" magazine never lies and hidden hands at "The New York Review of SF" eagerly passed on a (somewhat vomitous) `Spotlight on Success' ad feature informing me that `David Langford graduated from the Joe Blasco Makeup Artist Training Center in 1980 and ...' no, no, it's too painful, I can't go on. "ST JAMES GUIDE TO FANTASY WRITERS:" this new, epic David Pringle Project is on the go, with "Horror & Gothic" to follow. AND AGAIN -- Harry Adam Knight fears that people will think the Gollancz reissue of his "Carnosaur" is naughtily based on "Jurassic Park", since both have similar scenes involving Mongol hordes -- sorry -- dinosaurs even though the HAK book predated Michael Crichton's novel "Jurassic Park" by 6 years. John Brosnan, possibly our greatest living expert on Knight, loves the sequence in Spielberg's movie where a charging dinosaur crashes into a display of a fossilized dinosaur skeleton ... which "by pure coincidence" (his phrase) resembles a scene found in "Carnosaur" but not, oddly enough, in the Crichton novel. SECRETS OF THE SAE! "Ansible"'s availability for stamped addressed "envelopes" means just that -- to save your harassed editor the bother of printing address labels etc. Mere stamps are Frowned On. "Lilian Edwards" sniffs: `I don't need to get my secretary to send you envelopes now as I can get "Ansible" off the net.' GATEWAYS. `I rang Richard ("The Gate") Newcombe to see what was news. Unfortunately his magazine's recent lack of history supports Brian Stableford's comment that British sf publishing is constrained by economics rather than literature. Issue 4 is typeset and ready -- and has been for years, awaiting money to print the thing. Past contributors are still being paid in small slow instalments (I'm still down #42 myself), getting slower. In his dusty storage boxes are various MSS accepted but not paid for, not scheduled, not yet returned. Subscribers are in for a long wait.... Pity. He started "The Gate" trying to publish the kind of sf he'd like to read, but was poorly advised on marketing and ended with unsold thousands of the dated-looking first issue. (Still in his attic. Any offers?) As printers, his people can print the mag but have no expertise in distribution. Newsstand sales earned him only 45% of an already low cover price. He tried selling to fan groups, but each bought just one copy and pased it around. He wrote to publishers and only got crates of review books worth #100s in shops, when a few battered fivers would have been more use to produce a magazine in which to review them.... Wanted, a kindly millionaire.' [DR] CLARKE AWARD FUN. Arthur C.Clarke Himself reveals that the slight controversy about this year's award inspired to him start reading the winner "Body of Glass", which he's enjoying. `As much of the fuss seems to stem from a belief that Arthur would hate the book, I think this is extremely funny.' [MS] ELECTRONIC SKIFFY. That instant CD-ROM anthology of 1993 Hugo/Nebula stuff turned up and may be the hugest sf collection ever (`Gosh,' Chris Priest did not say, `a publishing format that might make "The Last Dangerous Visions" almost feasible!'). All the Hugo-nominated fiction is there, even novels, plus a vast mass of hitherto unpublished V.Vinge annotations on his "A Fire Upon the Deep"; additional Nebula stuff comprises the shorter categories only, with two novelettes including J. Morrow's winning `City of Truth' password-protected in a manner which, as I understand the "Apologies For Hideous Bugs" notes, means you can read them only on a Macintosh. Art, fan and nonfiction (i.e. me) material is represented with varying spottiness. The voluminous `bonus' text ranges from mildly interesting (a "New York Review of SF" index) to unreadable (endless sf computer-net chitchat). Of format horrors like vanishing double-quotes, em dashes and indentation, let us not speak: seemingly all this is ascribable to wonky software from an obscure cowboy outfit called MicroSoft. The CD publisher says reassuringly that the message "`The picture could not be displayed because of an authoring error'", which I get in place of certain fan-art and fanzine images, is unique to me. A hastily corrected edition should be out for ConFrancisco. [ClariNet Communications Corp, $29.95, for Mac and IBM/Windows] SCIENCE CORNER. Millennium's very wonderful newsletter "Antivity" reports: `Up to fifteen per cent of the mass of all land animals is made up of ants.' Answers on a postcard to "Antivity": "which" 15% of its editors Deborah Beale & Charon Wood is ...? FEELING HORNY? The Ellen Kushner/Donald G.Keller anthology of music- related fantasy "The Horns of Elfland" has not closed (as advertised) but will be held open for another year. DK is at 30 St Mark's Place, Brooklyn, NY 11217, USA. [JG] AND YET AGAIN! Concerned fans studying "Ansible 73" claim evident plagiarism, both the jokes being strongly reminiscent of original witticisms featured in "Ansible"s 1-72 inclusive. Ansible 73 (c) Dave Langford, 1993. Thanks to Anon of Kidlington, Antivity, Paul Barnett, The Bookseller, John Grant, Joseph Nicholas, Chris Priest, David Pringle, David Redd, Maureen Speller, SF Chronicle, David Wingrove and Our Hero Distributors. 5/8/93 Posted by Dave Langford ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk ANSIBLE 74 SEPTEMBER 1993 From DAVE LANGFORD, 94 London Road, Reading, Berkshire, RG1 5AU. Fax 0734 669914. ISSN 0265-9816. "Ansible" can be had by accosting the editor, by making him rich, or for stamped addressed envelopes (1 per copy). [Disclaimer: Each issue of ANSIBLE is designed for exquisite DTP in multiple fonts. This text dump for CIX and Usenet looks awful. So it goes. DRL] CROSSOVERS: Court action against "Vogue Interzone", the ersatz "Vogue" produced by artist Christof Kolhofer, prompted "Interzone"'s David Pringle to issue a reflexive statement about the merger. `Neither "Vogue" nor "Interzone" subscribers will be disappointed -- all the familiar features will be preserved, including Brian Stableford's "Yesterday's Bestselling Cosmetics" series and John Clute's in-depth fashion analyses....' ["Guardian", 16 Aug ### THE COSMIC COCKTAIL PARTY ### JOHN BRUNNER repented within mere days of his `marital woes' circular ("A73"), reckoning that poverty is their real trouble. He and LiYi now plan to sell the famous South Petherton mansion and move to somewhere cheaper in a city, perhaps Brighton. `Ah, David Pringle, your social life is about to change.' [DW] JOHN CLUTE jubilates (after awesome delays at Little, Brown): `I and John Grant [Paul Barnett] have agreed with Orbit to do an "Encyclopedia of Fantasy" for Spring 1995 publication. It will cross-refer to the "SF Encyclopedia" and will have a similar setting and format, but entry structure and the balance between theme and author entries will differ. Contributing editors will be Roz Kaveney, David Langford and Brian Stableford.' ELLEN DATLOW of "Omni", whom I always imagined as sprawling on a golden throne while her fiction slushpile was sifted by gangs of toiling sycophants, complains: `My assistant Rob Killheffer has been promoted to associate editor of nonfiction and I'm not getting a new assistant.... Right now I have a free intern reading slush but she leaves the end of August. They always do this to me whenever I lose an assistant: "You don't "really" want someone to read all the slush, do you?"' DAVID GARNETT hears from Gollancz that `"New Worlds 3" will be out "between October and November". But there isn't anything between October and November, so maybe they're trying to tell me something.' He adds that "NW4" is now complete apart from the "hard" bits -- the introduction and biographies. JOHN GRANT, proofreading his 10th LONE WOLF fantasy, finds that `We thought you were a mercenary bursting in here in search of plunder' has been hugely improved to: `We thought you were a mercenary bursting in here in search of a plumber.' WILLIAM JAMES's "Before the Sun Falls" will be published on schedule by Orbit after all, despite the wicked gossip noted in "A73". `It's going to be fun reading the reviews, isn't it?' [PB] ARNIE KATZ sends a harrowing account of how a fogged membrane in his eye (following cataract surgery) was successfully zapped by mighty laser bolts. It was hard to follow the details with both hands clamped fast over my own eyes.... HARRY ADAM KNIGHT is relaunching his dinosaur novel (Gollancz, Sept). `A LONG, LONG TIME AGO -- LONG BEFORE JURASSIC PARK -- THERE WAS CARNOSAUR ... During the party there will be a video screening of Roger Corman's film version of "Carnosaur". Attendees are permitted to shout abuse at the screen.' TERRY PRATCHETT is at it again, completing what is apparently the first DISCWORLD rock'n'roll novel. `My hero cwyms from Llamedos, knywn for singing, sheep and stone circles....' CHRIS REED of "BBR" boasts smugly of his win under `Magazines -- Fiction' in the 1993 Readercon Small Press Awards. (Novel: "More Than Melchisedech", R.A.Lafferty. Collection: "Globalhead", Bruce Sterling. Nonfiction mag: "SF Eye".) Thog the Mighty, pervading presence of the Helicon newsletter, was bemused to learn of his spin-off Sou'Wester panel to be called (provisionally) "Thog vs the Zeitgeist". Pardon? AUBERON WAUGH offers a #100 prize for best bad sex -- that is, for the worst submitted passage of sexual description from a novel published since Sept 90. Surely our favourite genres must be rich in possibilities? Entries by 18 Oct to "Literary Review", 51 Beak St, W1R 3LF; write SAVE THE NOVEL on the envelope. MARTIN MORSE WOOSTER gloats: `I have written the entries on you for the "Encyclopedia Galactica" and "Encyclopedia Fantastica".' ### CONDURRITE ### 4-5 Sep PANOPTICON ("Dr Who"), Novotel Hotel, London. 8 Sep BSFA cancelled again. (A new pub was found, but it emerged too late that the Freemasons retained power to override others' bookings at short notice. Hang 'em all from bridges!) 10-12 Sep FESTIVAL OF FANTASTIC FILMS, Sacha's Hotel, Manchester. #35 reg. Contact Society of Fantastic Films, 95 Meadowgate Rd, Salford, Manchester, M6 8EN. [SG] 10-12 Sep STO-CON-TRENT (RPG), Keele Univ. #15 reg. Contact 12b Sprowston Rd, Norwich, NR3 4QN. 27 Sep "THE GLAMOUR", BBC Radio 4 19:45. `Revised', as the first airing was fuzzy -- re-recorded to speed it by 1 sec/minute and cure a 90 sec over-run, but on a duff machine. This time, author Chris Priest has "personally cut a scene". It is traditional for new editions of this work to have a changed text.... 1-3 Oct FANTASYCON XVIII, Birmingham. #30 reg (BFS members #20, pet shoggoths half price). Contact 137 Priory Rd, Hall Green, Birmingham, B28 0TG. 1-3 Oct BRITISH 20TH ANNIV TREK CON, Holiday Inn, Leicester. #45 reg. Contact 17 Guildford St, Brighton. BN1 3LS. 1-3 Oct VOCON ("Hitchhiker"), Tollgate Hotel, Gravesend. #18 reg, rising to #20 on 18 Sept. Contact 17 Guildford St, Brighton, BN1 3LS. Wins "Ansible"'s `Most Demands For Plugs' award. 29-31 Jul 94 WINCON III, King Alfred's Coll, Winchester. PR1 now out. #20 reg, rising to #23 in mid-Nov 93. Contact 12 Crowsbury Close, Emsworth, Hants, PO10 7TS. 0243 376596. `Intersection's decision to reset the Wincon III ad in its first PR (introducing "31th" to the language) and miss its deadline by several months (being told the rates rise on 17 April isn't a lot of use in late July) has led to Wincon getting a freebie in the next PR.' [SG] 4-5 Mar 95 TIMEWARP ("Trek"), Grand Hotel, Malahide, Dublin. Contact 30 Beverley Downs, Knocklyon, Dublin 16. "Rumblings" "A Con Organizer Writes:" `Please DON'T put this one in the "Ansible" list!' Oh, all right. "ConFrancisco" introduced a thrilling new system whereby non-attending Hugo nominees who told the convention months in advance who'd be representing them at the ceremony must also provide the reps with signed credentials, the letter already on file (i.e. signed credentials) being deemed Not Good Enough. `Idiots,' writes tactful Ben Yalow. "A Con Organizer Complains:" `CONFABULATION wasn't in last month's "Ansible" con listings.' This is true. ### INFINITELY IMPROBABLE ### AMBULATORY PHLEGM! This is but one of many fascinating terms applied by nice Harlan Ellison to absent Andy Porter during an hour-long interview on US cable TV, possibly to the mystification of viewers. Practised Ellison-watchers infer that relations between HE (`Andy Porter!? That suppurating bag of monkey nuts ... loathsome, detestable ... ennobled by the word "turd" ... monster....') and AP (`Harlan Ellison burns bridges before he crosses them.') may be less than wholly cordial. [GF, "SFC"] C.O.A. "Steve Davies & Giulia De Cesare", 52 Westbourne Terrace, Reading, RG3 2RP. "Anne Hamill & Jimmy Robertson", 2 Dorset Rd, Salisbury, SP1 3BF. "Sally Ann Melia", 3 The Square, Broughton-in- Furness, Lake District, Cumbria, LA20 6JF. "Alan J.Sullivan", 30 Ash Rd, Stratford, London, E15 1HL. YOU "WILL" SEND US A BIRTHDAY CARD! To ensure plenty of spontaneous congratulations on its 25th anniversary, "Locus" wrote to sf people requesting them. It is untrue that the letters contained even the slightest hint of `Remember, "we" decide whether your next book gets reviewed....' COMPUTER SEXISM. In a mouse manual: `If the cursor moves too fast or too slow, the speed can be changed for your testes.' ANNIVERSARY. `David Sutton & Steve Jones "celebrate 15 years of "Fantasy Tales" by publishing an anthology which will contain a great many of the stories which are currently awaiting an appearance in the magazine". Which, I presume, means they're celebrating 15 years of "FT" by ceasing publication. "Fantasy Tales Presents" (Robinson) will therefore include a great many of the reportedly 100 MSS in "FT"'s inventory.' [DG] DEEP WATERS. A Millennium press release plugs spinoff books (by D.Duane and P.Morwood) from a new Spielberg TV series about a super submarine called "seaQuest" [sic]. `The special effects, settings and technology will be absolutely extraordinary': I can hardly wait to open these hi-tech books. Early review: `There's never been such an original idea as "Voyage to the Bottom of the seaQuest", I mean "stingQuest".' [G*rry And*rson] SUPERSTARDOM! Our mole enjoyed a Canadian "Trek" con `with main guest Marina Syrtis. My, what a bitch. Her contract specified 3 hours on each of 2 days, remote luxury hotel room, luxury transport, limo at beck and call, no press, no videotaping, etc, for US$15,000: the local Trekkies fell for it. She made horrific demands of the con's naive but devoted handlers; the committee jumped. Her talk about the show devolved into a sexist rant about males in the crowd fixated on her breasts and crotch: she was in a skin-tight black tube-style minidress, so everyone had something to look at. She proceeded to stand on a table on-stage, flip her dress up and flaunt said crotch at the crowd, and her handlers weren't sure she was wearing panties.... Some walked out, a few wanted their money back, many were disillusioned. The local press had a field day. Disillusionment was partly offset by genial George Takei, who posed for every picture and signed every autograph, even from a wheelchair; he'd just had corrective foot surgery.' [LP] `SCIENCE FACT, NOT SCIENCE FICTION' -- says the deeply authoritative W.H.Smith "Bookcase" of Kim Stanley Robinson's "Red Mars". So "that's" why it didn't win the Arthur C.Clarke award.... I HAVE SEEN THE FUTURE AND IT COUGHS. FOREST (Freedom Organization for the Right to Enjoy Smoking Tobacco) has an sf/fantasy/horror story competition: `Health and Freedom' theme, but `not propaganda'. #100 first prize; max 2,500 words and 3 entries per person; you must be over 18 by the 16 Jan deadline. FOREST STORY COMP, 2 Grosvenor Gdns, London, SW1W 0DH. Judges include George Hay. The flyer asks: `Will smoking (and other private pleasures) be illegal in the future?' "Ansible" supports smoking as a private pleasure to be practised as freely as defecation, sex or singing in the bath. LITWATCH. Yvonne Rousseau dipped critically into Margot Arnold's "Desperate Measures": `Ballantine published this in 1986, supplying the author with a Hollow-Earther blurb writer ("Ms. Arnold has travelled extensively throughout the globe") but not, alas, with an editor -- as is seen on p40 when our North American heroine first looks at the night sky of South Africa. "`Is that the Southern Cross?' A perfect diamond crucifix blazed out of the sky." Most people Down Under would be sufficiently startled to see the Crux Australis looking like a "perfect diamond cross" -- but if we were given Jesus-in-the-Sky-with-Diamonds as well, we'd all come out and stare.' BIG NAMES! `Chris Priest may not have made the "Guardian" birthday list, but look who did: "Kathy Gale, publishing director, The Women's Press, 33." [13 Aug]. Shows how good Steve Jones is at publicity. A few days later Brian Aldiss made the list. Does that mean he's as famous as Kathy Gale?' [Anon] MORE AWARDS. Campbell Memorial Award (novel): "Brother to Dragons", Charles Sheffield. Sturgeon Memorial Award (short): `This Year's Class Picture', Dan Simmons. ["SFC"] OVERHEARD. `Arthur C.Clarke is an English gentleman, and far too polite to say that he didn't enjoy a book. After all, he even gave a cover quote to Ben Bova's "Mars".' [Do not see "A73."] "ORION" MAGAZINE begs a plug: 66pp A5 fiction (mostly), #1.75 from 3 Bower St, Reddish, Stockport, SK5 6NW. I read the first story (about John Lennon) as far as the word `hypocracy'.... TEN YEARS AGO a Japanese convention solicited numberless messages of support. The most memorable was J.G.Ballard's: `That great feat of arms, the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbour on December 7, 1941, must now be repeated in the realm of the imagination -- let the sf writers of Japan set out across the skies of the human psyche, each carrying a piece of that explosive future which will torpedo the battleships of complacency and inertia!' Oh. ### THE FROST REPORT ### "Continuing the brand-new TAFF tradition of instant ANSIBLE publication, ABIGAIL FROST whizzes us bits of her US trip report even as it happens...." Jeanne Bowman requested silly things -- `uniquely British, small, cheap, like silly condoms and beermats' -- to auction at ConFrancisco. Gee thanks Jeanne, my last day wasn't supposed to be spent in pubs and chemists'. Trawl of Bethnal Green Road produced: 1 can Irn Bru; several packets funsized Mars bars etc; two vile `jewel lollies', blue raspberry sour flavour, made in Thailand for Irish company; latest issue "When Saturday Comes" (football semiprozine); 1 Dennis the Menace mug; 1 "Thunderbirds" ditto; 1 tin Brick Lane curry powder; 1 "Beezer Quarterly"; Fun Fun Fun filling out customs declaration.... "New York." When I told Andy Hooper I was staying with Gary Farber he seemed surprised. `He hasn't the right to invite you ... he sleeps on Moshe's sofa ... he is in no position to be a host!' (GF is currently house-sitting for someone.) "Gary:" `Tell him I'm pushing a cart around the lower East Side and I put you in the cart and covered you with a garbage bag.' So I did ... shame I got the giggles halfway through. Farber talks. I'd forgotten this. Lunch with Patrick and Teresa Nielsen Hayden. They talk too. Help. Voice already on way out. Please fax new larynx c/o Geri Sullivan. [19 August] "Minneapolis." ReinCONation fun but weird. A world of seraphically happy people who sing and read poetry at each other. Alternated between thinking oneself in Paradise surrounded by guardian angels and feeling like an alien. Asked to contribute reading to an open mike thingy on Sat night; commandeered Nigel Rowe (formerly of our own parish) to help. People were taking the evening's beatnik theme very seriously (eg readings from "Howl"). Sudden inspiration: I had some beatnik experimental writing to hand, the phoney Camcon report in the Mexicon 2 fanzine. So handed Nigel a plastic tub which had contained pretzels till I brilliantly ate them all, told him to beat it at random while I read, and when called put on my shades and jumped on a chair and did all that stuff about cubes and Wittgenstein and Margaret Welbank in a rapid doomladen voice. Got the odd laugh. ReinCONation news for "Ansible": Twin Cities fan, poet, musician, storyteller and general Good Thing Elise Matthesen was having a birthday celebration with chums in hotel restaurant when the woman at the next table approached her -- `You look so nice and so do all your friends, so who are you?' So Elise introduced herself and the con, so to speak. `I'm Maya Angelou,' said the woman, and bought them some wine. `Gosh wow er um,' said Elise.... So homesick I spent $5 on "Independent on Sunday". `Not much seems to have changed at home ... BLOODY HELL IT'S LAST WEEK'S ISSUE.' Grr. Why don't you fax me back, you bastard scum? [23 August] "Seattle." Read some article in some fanzine called "Mimosa" by some fellow who edited some con newsletter on some Channel Island or other. Doesn't it make you sick when people take all the credit for the Great British Con Newsletter without even mentioning "Cactus Times"? Went to zoo with Andy Hooper and took picture of racket-tailed drongo. Alas there was only one so can't say drongides.... Also got a photo of giant Washington slug at zoo (not encaged, just wandering over path). Marmots are ridiculous bloody animals. [26-7 August] Ansible 74 (c) Dave Langford, 1993. Thanks to Paul Barnett, John Clute, Gary Farber, Abigail Frost, David Garnett, John Grant, Misdemeanour, SF Chronicle, Steve Green, Lloyd Penney, Chris Priest, Dave Wood and All Our Hero Distributors. 2/9/93 Posted by Dave Langford ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk ANSIBLE 75 OCTOBER 1993 From DAVE LANGFORD, 94 London Road, Reading, Berkshire, RG1 5AU. Fax 0734 669914. ISSN 0265-9816. "Ansible" can be had by accosting the editor, by making him rich, or for stamped addressed envelopes (1 per copy). [Disclaimer: Each issue of ANSIBLE is designed for exquisite DTP in multiple fonts. This text dump for CIX and Usenet looks awful. So it goes. DRL] CRUSHED. Rob Hansen was handing out "Then 4", his history of UK fandom's every gathering, publication and bowel movement in the 1970s. (Grovel to him at 144 Plashet Grove, East Ham, E6 1AB.) `I'm dreading doing the 80s,' he confided. `And someone "else" can do the 90s. Jesus, the 90s don't even have a fan newsletter of record.' Here I coughed rather significantly. `"Ansible",' he retorted, `is "sercon".' Collapse of deaf party. ### THE MARCHING MORONS ### JOHN CLUTE was swept north in a whirlwind: `About 4,000 books were donated recently to Friends of Foundation for the SF Foundation library, now settled into the University of Liverpool. Roger Robinson and I drove them up in a van and saw the library precincts: which was like seeing Oz after half a lifetime blinded by the institutional torpor and (in recent years) active hostility of the lugubrious University of East London (Kansas [failed]). There is now space for books, and administrator Andy Sawyer has a brief to catalogue and restore the collection; and the University has hopes for its MA in SF Studies. I kept looking for a Wizard behind an arras, but in the event I never had to wake. For the moment, the dream holds.' WILLIAM GIBSON's "Virtual Light" UK roadshow (`I've been signing this fucking thing for weeks') was marked by an "Independent on Sunday" review beginning: `The American writer Ian Gibson has been a name to watch in science fiction for the past decade....' (Meanwhile, "Neuromancer" popped up in the list of set books for the University of Salford's English course. [JN]) COLIN GREENLAND reveals where he gets his crazy ideas for weird sf science! On receiving some (fairly trite) suggestions purportedly from a 10-year-old schoolgirl with leukaemia, he wrote a nice letter back and was not best pleased when further instalments arrived from a `physics student' and then an `engineering student', all with different female names and (invalid?) addresses but the same handwriting and York postmark. `It's getting a little annoying, not to say insulting,' sniffed Colin. GEORGE HAY has an alternative view, as usual: `It's hard to get anywhere with the SF Foundation, because they really think sf is all about Lit Crit. I don't know if you have seen "Foundation 58", but it is filled almost entirely with material on the influence of X on Y, or that so-and-so's arguments are completely fallacious -- the kind of petty squabbling that made me drop my subs to the BSFA aeons ago, only now conducted by grown men with tenure and good salaries, men whose grasp on the real world seems faint in the extreme....' KEN LAKE, peripatetic Casanova, is laying waste the women of Fiji: `Having extricated himself from the embraces of 280-lb "Duri" in Nadi ("we should be together for ever and ever") and escaped from "Christine" ("you mek mi cre-zee") at the Rainmaker Hotel in Pago Pago, roving "palangi" Ken Lake succumbed to the charms of "Leu" in Apia (and lost $300 from his wallet to her nimble fingers) before chickening out on the marriage offer of "Cristina" in Vava'u, only to be inveigled by lying "Tema" of Nuku'alofa ("I can't marry you now, I'm going to be a missionary") into a proposal of marriage to delightful 16-year-old "Tala", her sister. He is currently recuperating in Suva....' "[And goes on to bandy several more ladies' names. Tut tut -- Ed.]" PETER NICHOLLS, rumours say, is now trying to flog his own alternative "Fantasy Encyclopaedia" in the USA on the basis that this is the Real Thing, as opposed to Little, Brown's pathetic imitation edited by upstarts like that man Clute and everyone else on the new "SF Encyclopaedia"'s title page (except Peter).... CHAD OLIVER, pioneer of anthropological sf, died of cancer on 9 August aged 65. ["SFC"] TERRY PRATCHETT was bemused by a "Business Age" magazine survey ranking him 451st of the 500 richest individuals in Britain, with a personal fortune of #26.5 million. Having looked under the bed and failed to locate this wad of cash, he learned that `It's all "potential" -- like value of existing copyrights over time, value of other stuff like film rights, value of books I haven't written yet, value of body mass of family and pets if rendered for soap and so on, plus wild guesses at how much I must have made already.... Just when I think I understand the kind of Discworld logic by which they arrived at it my brain sags. Apparently my annual income is seen by them as a kind of dividend paid by a conceptual Terry Pratchett PLC. The Society of Authors treasurer chuckled benignly and told me, "You can get tax relief on guard dogs...."' BOB SHAW, after publishing "How To Write Science Fiction" with Allison & Busby, has become the editorial consultant for A&B's new sf list. `It feels a bit funny sitting on the other side of the editorial fence, and already I have been subjected to the cliche which replaced Adam and Eve stepping out of a spaceship -- the life-or-death space battle which turns out to have been a video game.' We trust A&B have altered their legendary `Royalties? What do you mean, "royalties"?' policy, so well known to past victims like Barry Bayley. ### CONDICTION ### 30-31 Oct GHOST STORY SOCIETY convention (their first), Chester Euromill Hotel. With Ramsey Campbell "et al". Contact `Ashcroft', 2 Abbottsford Dr, Penyfford, Chester, CH4 0JG. 30-31 Oct OCTOCON (Irish national con), Royal Marine Hotel, Dun Laoghaire. GoH Storm Constantine, Steve Dillon. #15 reg. Contact 20 Newgrove Ave, Sandymount, Dublin 4. 1 Nov READINGS at Wealdstone Library (Grant Road) by Molly `Oh God, I shouldn't have asked you to mention this, I "know" you'll say something awful and get me into trouble' Brown, Stella Hargreaves & Jessica Palmer, 6-8pm. Free. 5-7 Nov NOVACON 23, Royal Angus, Birmingham. GoH Stephen Baxter. Too late to join by mail: #30 at the door. Hotel bookings to 121 Cape Hill, Smethwick, Warley, B66 4SH. 12-14 Nov ARMADACON V, Astor Hotel, Plymouth. #20 reg. Contact 4 Gleneagle Ave, Plymouth, PL3 5HL. 5-6 Mar 94 MICROCON, Exeter University. GoH `er, to be announced.' [PB] Contact Paul Hamilton, 0392 55839. 1-4 Apr 94 SOU'WESTER (Eastercon), Adelphi Hotel, Liverpool. #25 reg (may well rise after Novacon, so watch it). Contact 3 West Shrubbery, Redland, Bristol, BS6 6SZ. 14-17 Apr 95 CONFABULATION (Eastercon), Britannia International Hotel, London Docklands. #15 reg to end 1993. PR1 is out. Contact 3 York St, Altrincham, Cheshire, WA15 9QH. 24-8 Aug 95 INTERSECTION, 53rd Worldcon, Glasgow. New address: Admail 336, Glasgow, G2 1BR. Registration now #60. They can be faxed c/o John Stewart, 081 669 8079. "Rumblings" "Bernie Evans", mistress of registrations for innumerable UK cons, is taking voluntary redundancy in order to enjoy "even more time" typing addresses, printing labels, and campaigning for compulsory truncation of fans with names like Neale Anthony Mittenshaw- Hodge. `Asked how she'll be spending her time in future, the grandmother of six informed incredulous friends that she intended to start cooking and doing housework, and would like to become more involved in fandom. Husband Mick was unavailable for comment owing to prolonged fits of hysterical laughter.' [MT] ### INFINITELY IMPROBABLE ### WORLD FANTASY AWARDS. Novel shortlist: "Anno Dracula", Kim Newman; "Last Call", Tim Powers; "Was", Geoff Ryman; "Photographing Fairies", Steve Szilagyi; "Briar Rose", Jane Yolen. James Blaylock's "Lord Kelvin's Machine" reads like a fix-up novel to me, but is mysteriously shortlisted under Best Collection. ["SFC"] METAPHOR OF THE MONTH. `Her very existence made his forebrain swell until it threatened to leak out his sinuses.' (Nancy A.Collins, "Sunglasses After Dark", 1989.) C.O.A. "John Clute", 221"b" Camden High St, London, NW1 7BU. (`The change from 221 to 221b represents nothing more than an attempt to keep our post from being delivered to the shop below us.') "Ken Lake", Poste Restante, General Post Office, Suva, Fiji. HAZEL'S LANGUAGE LESSONS: KLINGON. `"No",' said Hazel. `I don't care how many clippings Martin Morse Wooster sends you about Klingon language camps in Minnesota. I refuse to authorize a "fake language lesson".' Me: `Can't I even interest you in the etymology of "'iw", Klingon for blood -- from the noise the audience made in the big "Star Trek VI" bloodshed scene, ""eeeeeewwwwww!""?' Hazel: `Certainly not.' MARTIAN SPLURGE. HarperCollins spent a fortune on a full-page "Guardian" ad for Kim Stanley Robinson's "Red Mars" -- though with a slightly unlikely caption. `Are they promoting this as a comedy? "Welcome to Mars ... Please Drive Carefully" sounds very much like the cover of "Red Dwarf": "Infinity Welcomes Careful Drivers". What will Gollancz do for the paperback of "Red Dust": "Take Care: Ride on the Left"?' [DG] XANTHAGRAMS. Horny Sapient, Shiny Protean, Noisy Panther, Insane Trophy, A Spiny Throne, A Thorny Penis ... I'm still trying to decide which is most appropriate. And is another author mentioned above really of a Non-Lilac Gender? [N&AS] "SF ENCYCLOPAEDIA". That legendary CD-ROM edition is scheduled for pressing at the end of October and will include all the major updates and corrections noted by late September. Price will be #35 plus VAT. After criticizing shortcomings of the proposed access/display software -- `Er, wouldn't it be useful if searching for a title actually "took you to the title" rather than dumping you at the start of what might be a very long author or theme entry?' -- your editor has insinuated an Ansible InformationTM program which improves matters somewhat, and feels dead smug about this. Meanwhile CD publishers Nimbus are "right now" rushing to sort out the audio tracks of the CD-ROM, with sound-bites from a representative selection of the millions of sf authors available for interview in or near London before publication day.... HAIR OF THE DOG. The great David Hartwell sends a true interoffice memo from St Martin's Press. `We will be publishing in March of 1995 a new trade paperback title called "Knitting With Dog Hair". The two authors [...] are busily making DOG HAIR BOOKMARKS, which will be used by colleagues in subrights and in publicity, but demand for the bookmarks has been so great that we are now facing a serious shortage of dog hair. This is no joke!' No, no, perish the thought. All employees are duly exhorted to `place dog hair in a zip-locked plastic bag', labelled with the breed (`Mutts are fine'), but not on any account to raid the vacuum cleaner (`This is not "bona fide" dog hair, since it has been combined with other dirt'), and to bring all bags to the Official St Martin's Dog Hair Depository. It'll be even more fun when they publish "1001 Uses for Dog Turds". BARRY PULLS IT OFF! More epoch-making news from Barry R.Levin's catalogue of sf at awesome prices: the British BCA book club version of Asimov's "Forward the Foundation" is the world first edition, by about three weeks. I do not know how the feeble human intellect is able to contain such excitement. TOKEN GOSSIP FOR HANSEN. Comets were sighted, two-headed calves were born, the sheeted dead did squeak and gibber in the Roman streets, and "Greg Pickersgill published a fanzine last month". HAZEL'S LANGUAGE LESSONS: TONGAN. "fetukitoka'aki", to strike out at each other while lying down; "kisukava", to make an enigmatic statement after drinking "kava"; "fakamomoatea", to act as if one had a presentiment of something that will shortly happen, or has already happened but is not yet known. [KL] ### OUR SPIES AT CONFRANCISCO ### `It was "boring",' said ever-ecstatic Abigail Frost of this year's Worldcon in San Francisco -- `except you WON'T FUCKING BELIEVE who won Best Semiprozine!' `The best part,' added Martin Hoare, `was when the techies tapped the hotel's three porn movie channels and patched them into the lobby information screens.' `Many had trouble telling the sf fans from the homeless on the streets,' confided Teddy Harvia. HUGO AWARDS went to most of the usual suspects. BEST NOVEL was a tie: Vernor Vinge's "A Fire Upon the Deep" and Connie Willis's "Doomsday Book". (`Amazing,' said Rog Peyton. `I'll have to order extra copies. I'm astonished "Red Mars" didn't win.' Me: `You thought that was the best book?' He: `Well, I haven't actually "read" it. As such.') NOVELLA: Lucius Shepherd, "Barnacle Bill the Spacer". NOVELETTE: Janet Kagan, `The Nutcracker Coup'. SHORT: Connie Willis, `Even the Queen'. NONFICTION: Harry Warner, "A Wealth of Fable". DRAMATIC: "The Inner Light", an "ST:TNG" episode. EDITOR: Gardner Dozois of "Asimov's". ARTIST: Don Maitz. ORIGINAL ART: James Gurney, "Dinotopia". SEMIPROZINE: Andy Porter's "Science Fiction Chronicle" (stunner of the weekend; it beat "Locus" by one vote, following recounts. Andy got a standing ovation, while the great Charles N.Brown was soon conducting a merciless Spanish Inquisition among "Locus" staff who failed to vote: `Gee, Charlie, I was so busy working for the con, I never got round to -- "aargh"!' Fandom waits with bated breath to learn whether Andy's next "SFC" editorial will record victory with the same grace with which he has accepted past defeats). FANZINE: "Mimosa". FAN WRITER: me (fervent thanks to all voters -- your cheques are in the mail. "Martin Hoare:" `Abi gave me the Hugo and then kissed me. She needn't have said YUK afterwards....'). FAN ARTIST: Peggy Ranson. JOHN W.CAMPBELL award for best new writer: Laura Resnick. [GS] "Los Angeles" won the 1996 Worldcon voting against a challenging lack of opposition. `It was an "interesting" convention. Most of the ceremonies started late but, to compensate for that, they ran long. Standing in line seemed to be the theme -- there were long lines at registration, then another long one if you were a programme participant, then another to pick up your souvenir book, etc. Some of the con was well done, and the city is beautiful, but....' [BY] THE FROST REPORT continues: `The con lacked centre, and the sort of spontaneous Great Moment we expect of big cons didn't really have a chance. No bloody bar in the Moscone Centre, for a start. (Not even a Harvey Milk Bar, ho ho.) 8000 people there, yet one rarely saw more than 20 of them in the same place doing the same thing. Grew heartily sick of seeing friends going up the escalator as I was coming down. If only Banks had been there to climb the Parc 55 hotel. (But if he had, as a filthy pro he'd have climbed the ANA, which I only really penetrated for the Tor Books party.) "Ansible" helped, since one could always stop someone in their tracks by thrusting it at them. Smoking, oddly, helped too, because I rapidly got the habit of snatching a quick ciggie whenever and wherever I could, and talked to whoever (be they Valkyrie, mediaeval peasant or Fred Pohl) was doing the same thing. `Tell Martin I'm sorry I said YUK after kissing him on stage at the Hugos. Had meant to fall on ground gagging horribly, of course. Also, didn't have the heart to preface announcing you with "What's the Welsh for bor"ing"?" as planned. Felt I let the side down, rather. At the Hugo rehearsal, we were very firmly told not to say "And the winner is...." Winner implies losers, you see. So the PC thing to do afterwards from now on is the People To Whom The Hugos Did Not Go Party. Charlie Brown did not go to it (or at least not while I was there). `San Francisco was triff. Didn't get to see nearly enough of it. Favourite bit: the ruins of Sutro Baths, and the rocky beachlet (mussels and bloody great fleshy starfish -- takes yer back to the Cornwall of childhood) just below....' [AJF] Ansible 75 (c) Dave Langford, 1993. Thanks to Paul Barnett, Steve (Massive Egoboo) Brown, John Clute, Critical Wave, Malcolm Edwards, Abigail Frost, David Garnett, Teddy Harvia, Martin (Hugo Collector) Hoare, Ken Lake, Name & Address Supplied (coward!), Joseph Nicholas, SF Chronicle, Geri Sullivan, Martin Tudor, Ben Yalow, and hero distributors Janice Murray, SCIS, Alan Stewart, Charles `Netman' Stross and M.Tudor. 7/10/93 Posted by Dave Langford ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk ANSIBLE 76 NOVEMBER 1993 From DAVE LANGFORD, 94 London Road, Reading, Berkshire, RG1 5AU. Fax 0734 669914. ISSN 0265-9816. "Ansible" can be had by accosting the editor, by making him rich, or for stamped addressed envelopes (1 per copy). [Disclaimer: Each issue of ANSIBLE is designed for exquisite DTP in multiple fonts. This text dump for CIX and Usenet looks awful. So it goes. DRL] THE CURSE OF COLIN GREENLAND. Last issue told of a peeved Colin being deluged with sf ideas from many differently named (and addressed) correspondents all with the same handwriting and York postmark. This identical blight has now spread to me. Where will it all end? See "Brian Stableford", below.... ### THEM! ### BARRY BAYLEY has completed a very short synopsis for a new Jasperodus the Robot novel -- said his agent, legendary London bon-viveur Gamma, before being thrown out of a Conservatory signing owing to being barred from the pub. `It'll be "really good",' he added soon after, and was thrown out again. ARTHUR C.CLARKE is exposed in this telling sentence from a Gollancz press release, reprinted COMPLETE and UNCUT as an "Ansible" public service: `He is unquestionably the greatest living science, as well as the best-known and bestselling.' [DVB] Greater than biochemistry, greater than physics ... Arthurology. WILLIAM GIBSON was pilloried by the "Washington Post" (18 Oct) for his dress sense: `The shirts that hang off his 45-year-old frame look as if he bought them in a feed store. He's always said he figured that if nobody liked the stories he'd written he'd have wound up working in a secondhand bookstore. He still dresses as if that's his idea of success.' [MMW] RON HOLMES, editor of the first UK sf news fanzine "Science Fantasy Review" (which as "SFR War Digest" gave Vince Clarke his first fanzine appearance in 1940), died on 21 Sept. [SG/RH] TERRY PRATCHETT's #26.5m fortune (a figment of "Business World" magazine) still plagues him despite last issue's squib about its illusory nature -- in fact some of my readers can't be too bright, as the great man complains that `The "Ansible" piece is now being quoted to me as evidence that I "have" got #26m.' VINCENT PRICE died on 25 October aged 82, one published comment being that he'd had plenty of practice.... NICHOLAS ROYLE, rising horror megastar etc, is interviewed in the Nov "Interzone": `Interviewer Chris Kenworthy refers to Royle's new novel "Counterparts" as "interesting and exciting". This was presumably why Kenworthy's own Barrington Books published it, a link curiously omitted from his essay.' [SG] GEOFF RYMAN, according to delighted but cruelly unattributable rumours, is writing a "Star Trek" novel. (What next? Salman Rushdie signs up to do Judge Dredd tie-ins?) BRIAN STABLEFORD takes up the tale: `I was interested to read (in "A75") of Colin Greenland's annoyance regarding his correspondence with a person I take to be Siobahn "[sic]" Munster, "alias" Amanda Haertel, "alias" Rachel Oliver, etc, etc, of Norton-in-Derwent. It really isn't "that" annoying, and my experience suggests that as it will never actually stop (no matter how many letters "she" sends announcing that the correspondence is closed) one might as well derive whatever amusement one can from it. "Her" latest letter to me begins, cheerily, "Me again ..." even though it is signed with a name "she" has not used previously, and shows "her" customary blithe disregard for anachronism ("she" has been ten for several years now) and consistency of symptoms ("she" is always unwell, and often in hospital, but never has the same malady twice running). In spite of "Ansible"'s churlish description of "her" story plots as "trite" they are not noticeably worse than many which sell, and I have not yet lost hope that "she" may one day send me one worth using. I admit that it isn't clear to me why a mature (probably) male (almost certainly) who seems to read "New Scientist" and "Interzone" with a fair degree of comprehension should feel the need to disguise himself as an ailing female child, but it's a free country. If Colin finds the whole thing too burdensome, he could always spread the load by sending "her" the addresses of a few more famous sf writers -- unless, of course, "she" has them all already....' JONATHAN SWIFT's immortal but depressed and amnesiac Struldbruggs might have been inspired by his own possible slide into Alzheimer's disease -- according to a doctor's speculative letter in the "Lancet". [JN] Similarly, the Yahoos in Book IV of "Gulliver's Travels" were early, tragic victims of what modern medicine now knows as Football Fan Syndrome. ### CONENCHYMA ### 5-7 Nov NOVACON 23, Royal Angus Hotel, Birmingham. GoH Stephen Baxter. #30 at the door. Buy me a drink. 12-14 Nov ARMADACON V, Astor Hotel, Plymouth. #20 reg. Contact 4 Gleneagle Ave, Plymouth, PL3 5HL. 19-21 Nov MIDCON (games), Royal Angus Hotel, Brum. National Diplomacy Championships etc. #10 reg. Contact 30 Rydding Lane, Millfields Estate, West Browich, B71 2HA. 20 Nov LATCON ("Trek"), U of London Union, Malet St, WC1. Videos, dealers and tribble hunt. #8 reg. 28-30 Jan 94 STARBASE ("Trek"), Hilton Hotel, Leeds. GoH George Takei. #35 reg; no memberships at the door. Contact 152 Otley Rd, Headingley, Leeds, LS16 5JX. 5-6 Mar 94 MICROCON, Exeter University. Now has a contact address: 6 Clifton Hill, Exeter, EX1 2DL. 1-4 Apr 94 SOU'WESTER (Eastercon), Liverpool. #25 reg "rising to #27 on 1 Dec 93." No postal memberships after 14 Mar. Contact 3 West Shrubbery, Redland, Bristol, BS6 6SZ. "Rumblings" BSFA meetings remain in limbo. EVOLUTION is a bid for the 1996 Eastercon (`"I" wanted it called Vivisection,' said one disappointed committee member) starring `Rhodri James and several polite euphemisms for people with little experience of running 3 day cons' (so it's going to be a "short" Easter weekend). Venue: `SE England'. Presupporting membership #1 to 13 Lindfield Gdns, Hampstead, NW3 6PX. [MC] INTERSECTION's second progress report arrived from Washington DC (that little-known suburb of Glasgow) and is better laid out than the hasty PR1 ... except for a piece by some guy called Langford, who absurdly claims that re-editing 14 paragraphs into two extremely long ones did not assist readability. ### INFINITELY IMPROBABLE ### FIN DE SIECLE. Deborah `SF Editor With Legs' Beale has left Millennium (with some tiny possibility of a continuing consultancy role); her sidekick Charon Wood was reportedly offered the job but, unimpressed by the way DB was treated, forcefully resigned. Publishing gossip claims that DB's marriage to her fave author Tad (`what "is" that short for?' asked our informant: `Tadpole?') Williams made her financially independent and that Millennium boss A.Cheetham got strangely nervous/ hostile/unpleasant about this. Officially, she has resigned. SIMILE OF THE MONTH. `Just to the south of them, the new Socket was like a titanic concrete bunker, the new elevator cable rising out of it like an elevator cable ...' (Kim Stanley Robinson, "Green Mars") [DW] EDITOR OF THE LIVING DEAD. DC's graphic novel of "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" is advertised in "Locus" as being adapted `by acclaimed british SF writer and editor John Carnell ("New ""Worlds").' -- all "sic". The current "New Worlds" editor David Garnett is deeply baffled, and so is his predecessor Mike Moorcock; as all true fans know and regret, "NW"'s founding editor John Carnell died in 1972.... [DG] C.O.A. "Peter Cohen" (late -- I mislaid it), 80 Sherland Rd, Twickenham, TW1 4HD. "Mike Cule", 4 Baines House, Abbey Barn Rd, High Wycombe, HP11 1RJ. "Paul Hamilton", as Microcon. "Krsto Mazuranic", Slavonska 1, 41430 Samobor, CROATIA (same flat, new country). "Ben Schilling", 2615 Madrid (Apt 1), Madison, WI 53713, USA. PUBLISHING BITS. `Virgin have contracted with Fleetway for a further 3 JUDGE DREDD novels. Future plans are for one book per quarter rather than one a month. The bookshops are proving leery -- "We can't sell graphic novels, even ones with pictures" -- but those who are stocking 'em are selling out fast. Sort of the opposite of the Thatcher Memoirs, I hope.' [U] "Philip K.Dick: A Day in the Afterlife" is being made for the BBC by Arena Productions for broadcast next Spring. Producer Nicola Roberts insisted that all interviewees wear identical t-shirts with Dick's face on ... data from "Radio Free PKD", $16/year from Noel Productions, 27068 S.La Paz, Aliso Viejo, CA 92656, USA. [BC] [] "Flexiback Books" is a somewhat indeterminate new enterprise that plans 64pp A4 magazine-format books (40-55,000 words) in various genres including sf/fantasy, but is still muttering about raising `the needed capital'. Paul Barnett will be sf/f editor (no submissions yet, please). IATROGENIC. Diana Wynne Jones's fearful back pains persist despite her operation last Dec. Her fan club wishes to interview the doctor who, having poked her crushed vertebra hard enough to make her scream and black out, explained that there was nothing whatever wrong and that if sitting down to write was a problem she should jolly well get a job where she could work standing up. Another learned doctor advised her to drink lots of milk and, informed of her allergy to all milk products, amended this to `eat lots of cheese'.... [CB] Nevertheless a new DWJ book is out: "Hexwood", available at all good etc etc. STOP THE PRESSES! "Warner Books" cancelled their 200,000-copy first US printing of the `Jack the Ripper Diary' for a bizarre reason almost unprecedented in publishing ... their expert reported that the document could not be authentic. ["SFC"] "Ashgate Publishing" have likewise delayed UK publication of the Scolar Press "The Best in SF: Winners and Nominees of the Major Awards in SF" (by Canadian fan Aurel Guillemette) after many errors and typos were gleefully pointed out. The BSFA and Clarke awards are hopelessly confused (some would call that fair comment) and in one year are said to have been respectively won by G.Ryman's "The Child Garden" and "Children of the Garden"; a later winner is that homely cookbook "Take Bake Plenty". `They're freezing publication until they've sorted it out somehow -- they're horribly embarrassed by it -- their word was "horrified".' [DVB] OVERHEARD. `"Loren McGregor" confused Shirley Jackson with Shirley MacLaine, causing Debbie Notkin to recoil with horror from him. "We have always lived in this body," he offered as his defence.' ["WP"] [] "Catherine Barnett:" `But if Paul [Kincaid] works in London, how come he and Maureen [Speller] live in Folkestone?' "Jane Barnett:" `They were very, very bad in their previous lives.' ### CONFRANCISCO CONTINUED ### Worldcon post-mortems go on and on. The curse of fame hit your editor in October, with the arrival of ConFrancisco's `follow these easy instructions to complete your Hugo' kit -- little pewter plaques to be stuck around the base, depicting dead sf notables from Mary Shelley to Isaac Asimov (glue not supplied). Less unworldly fans might have written GIFT -- NO COMMERCIAL VALUE on the customs chit ... instead I was amusingly landed with over #15 in duty, VAT and UPS penalty charges for collecting same. "The Plain People of Fandom:" `Ha bloody ha!' TARAS WOLANSKY sends his report on the con's Harlan Ellison Revival Meeting; once again the great man mingled with sf fans in order to announce, `I try to stay as far away from sf fandom as I possibly can. I mean, one can only take so much horseshit before one has the need to kill. At the moment, I have the need to kill the people at NESFA....' What frightful thing had the New England SF Association done? TW explains: `At 1am that morning, it seems, Ellison had been leafing through the convention souvenir book when he came upon an advertisement for "The Rediscovery of Man: The Complete Short SF of Cordwainer Smith", published by NESFA Press (Box 809, Framingham, MA 01701-0203; 671pp, $24.95). His first thought was, yes, complete but for the story "Smith's" widow had given him for "The Last Dangerous Visions". But then he read these fatal words: "Appearing for the first time in print in English [is] `Himself in Anachron' (originally written for "Last Dangerous Visions" and previously available only in French)." `A bit of history.... Cordwainer Smith, a.k.a. Paul W.Linebarger, died in 1966. According to Christopher Priest in "The Last Deadloss Visions", Ellison first announced having a Smith story for his never- published anthology in February, 1974! Yes, Ellison sat on the story for "twenty years", so long that it is now of interest primarily to scholars and antiquarians. Discussing "TLDV" in 1984 (!), Harry Harrison remarked, "The stories are grey with age, any value they might have had for the authors has long since been diminished to the vanishing point." `Under these circumstances, any ordinary person would be humbly grateful to NESFA for undoing a little of the harm he has done. But Ellison is made of sterner stuff: "They've got the story in the fucking book, and it kills the story for "The Last Dangerous Visions"!"' [TW; full text of this report to appear in "Fosfax"] HE's publicly announced message to NESFA at this same session was: `Pull the goddam book off sale now, pulp the son of a bitch, republish without that story, or I'm going to sue you, NESFA, and every one of you into oblivion!' "(Applause.)" This is a weighty threat which NESFA should take seriously, every bit as seriously as the weighty Ellison promises of imminent "TLDV" delivery/publication made in 1973, 1976, 1977, 1979, 1980, 1984, etc. (Wicked Bias declared: your editor has a booklet in print with NESFA and is discussing terms for an expanded trade-paperback edition which may or may not be titled "Let's Hear It Again For The Deaf Man". He does not have a story in "The Last Dangerous Visions". Phew.) DON HERRON (of Dashiell Hammett Tour fame) remembers: `Thursday night of the con I spent driving cab. Picked up S.P.Somtow and, later, Sam Moskowitz. I knew them but they didn't know me, so I drove S.P. just a little bit fast for fun, and asked SaM after the panel we were on how the food had been at Johnny Kan's. SaM was delighted by this circumstance, and told me that once in New York he and John W.Campbell hopped into a cab, and the driver instantly started arguing with Campbell over his editorial policies. `Er, Abi "would" have seen more of San Francisco if she hadn't fallen asleep during much of the touring about we did. I figured, hell, the rigours of the trip, the stress of ConFiasco (it "was" brutal), I'll take this as a compliment to my smooth driving (vs. a horrid insult to my abilities as a tour guide). I was going to give up, just park someplace and let her catch some zzzzzzs, but decided to try the view from Twin Peaks as a last shot. The panorama, combined with a brisk and icy wind ("... knot up my skirt before the rest of "this fucking city" has a look at my knickers" -- something like that, I have trouble with Oxfordian cadences) snapped her back to life.... `The 51st Annual will always stand as the Charlie Brown Downfall Convention. You could "almost" feel sorry that CB didn't nab a 17th Hugo, if you weren't so overwhelmed with pure glee....' [DH] BEN YALOW liked `the Hugo program book. It has some amazing errors, including crediting Dean Wesley Smith with being Damon Knight, or at least with doing everything Damon did. Normally I would assume that just meant that they stripped the wrong text in below the headline, but somehow they got Dean's "name" into the text, as well....' MARTIN HOARE corrects Abigail: `"I" found the bar in the Moscone Centre!' "Ansible" suspects that Martin could find the bar in a mosque. Ansible 76 (c) Dave Langford, 1993. Thanks to David V.Barrett, Chris Bell, Mark Charsley, Benedict Cullum, Abigail Frost, David Garnett, Steve Green, Rob Hansen, Don Herron, Joseph Nicholas, SF Chronicle, Unattributable, Wild Patience ed. Berni Phillips, Taras Wolansky, Dave Wood, Martin Morse Wooster and our Hero Distributors (with a grovel to Bridget Wilkinson, omitted from the Hero List in this box last issue). 4/11/93 Posted by Dave Langford ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk ANSIBLE 77 DECEMBER 1993 From DAVE LANGFORD, 94 London Road, Reading, Berkshire, RG1 5AU. Fax 0734 669914. ISSN 0265-9816. "Ansible" can be had by grovelling in person, by making me rich, or for stamped addressed envelopes (1 per copy). [Disclaimer: Each issue of ANSIBLE is designed for exquisite DTP in multiple fonts. This text dump for CIX and Usenet looks awful. So it goes. DRL] MY SECRET SHAME. It's hard to make this public confession, but the foul thing has to be said: "Ansible" can now receive electronic mail and hot news at "ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk". ### FROM AN ULTIMATE DIM THULE ### ANTHONY BURGESS died last week. What can I say? In sf there wasn't just "A Clockwork Orange" but "The Wanting Seed" (featuring Asimov, Heinlein and T.S.Eliot in an orgy), "1985", sf strands in books like "The End of the World News", and more.... A big enough writer to try "everything". I liked his reviews, too. KEN CAMPBELL won the "Evening Standard" Drama Award for Best Comedy, for "Jamais Vu" ... as premiered at Mexicon 5. JACK COHEN incautiously wrote in the "Britannica Yearbook" that he'd invented various sf aliens like the brainy saurians in the EDEN series. Harry Harrison rushed in a stern correction, making it clear that "he" did all the important inventing (`There are going to be these big lizards called Yilane!') while hired hand Jack had merely sorted out the biology, biochemistry, physiology, and suchlike trivia. Dr Jack has since been spotted fondling a giant syringe full of something greenly luminescent and practising his line, "`Trust me, Harry, I'm a doctor....'" LIONEL FANTHORPE ran a charity auction at Orycon (see over) and sold a copy of "Galaxy 666" for $40 -- twice as much, he wept, as he was paid to write the book in 1963.... [JM] DR COLIN GREENLAND wraps up the Anonymous Plot Donor (see "A75-6"): `Smiling Brian Stableford shames me for my surly response to our pseudonymous benefactor's unsolicited supply of free wizzo skiffy ideas. Now I greet with glee every new little envelope full of extrapolative ingenuity. My joy is unconfined at being showered with "monetary versions of Hari Seldon's "psychohistory"" and childlike computers who try to make a better world out of the implications of "the 1948 Hendrick Casimir experiments with microscopic-cavity resonance and vaccuum" [sic]. Sounds terrific to me. I'd write a dozen of them if I could understand them. I'm overjoyed to hear that Dr Stableford and you too, Dr Langford of 94 London Road, Reading, have also been selected out of literally hundreds of sf writers to receive this very special service, and yes, I'd like nothing better than to share it with all my writing friends; but how am I ever to xerox my address book to Rachel Oliver "aka" Alex Little (11) when "she" always writes from a different non-existent address? In fact I wonder uneasily how Dr S knows "she" lives in Norton-in-Derwent, a place significantly "never mentioned" in Amanda Haertel's communications to date. Is this a slip? Or a clue via ""wormhole-throat" from a possible future"? Has anyone ever seen Brian Stableford and Siobahn Munster in the same place "at the same time"?' "Andy Hooper adds:" `It would be a fraternal gesture if Colin or Brian sent to Norton-in-Derwent the addresses of some authors who could really use the assistance, such as P**rs *nth*ny or Ors*n Sc*tt C*rd.' JUDITH HANNA collected the UK Transport Journalist of the Year runner-up bronze medal (and #100 cheque). Also, `she got a handshake and a few words from Princess Anne -- and the opportunity to note that when proposing the loyal toast, the said Princess does "not" say "Me mum".' [JN] DON HERRON sends snippets of history: `Speaking of Charlie Brown losing the Hugo, I found the following comment while browsing in back issues of "Locus". From p4 of #71 (Jan 1971), Charlie Brown, reflecting on recent Hugo voting, writes that Jerry Lapidus "feels that two Hugos and three nominations are enough for "SF Review" and I agree." Say "what"?' GRAHAM JOYCE received the BFS August Derleth award for "Dark Sister". I tried to bear this in mind during a chilling performance at Novacon, with GJ and a confederate reading alternate sentences from Lionel Fanthorpe's "March of the Robots" and the somehow hauntingly similar "Night of the Crabs" by Guy N.Smith. Grown men pulled their own heads off rather than endure more than five minutes of such literary intensity. TANITH LEE won new fame in "Literary Review"'s `Bad Sex in Fiction' competition; an extract from her "Heart-Beast" was a runner-up. `A fine piece of bad writing, lacking only the element of perfunctoriness to reach high art in the field' -- Auberon Waugh, judge. TERRY PRATCHETT learned self-expression in the USA: `Did my orang- outan impression in Stephen Barnes's tai-ch'i class (well, he said let yourself feel as free as the spirit of an animal; it wasn't as if I "believed" he had lice on him).' BOB SHAW, in an exploratory operation, was found to be suffering from cancer of the bowel. This was caught in good time, but the radio/ chemotherapy is still a nasty business -- hence his continuing hospital stay, though he's been able to go out for short walks. There was a very long queue to sign Bob's multiple get-well cards at Novacon. WILL SHETTERLY, world-famous (in Minnesota) fantasy author and consort of even more famous Emma Bull, is running for Governor of Minnesota. [VR] ### CONFRACTION ### 23 Dec XMAS WELLINGTON MEETING. Be there or be sober. 28-30 Jan 94 STARBASE ("Trek"), Hilton Hotel, Leeds. GoH George Takei. #35 reg; no memberships at the door (or after 14 Jan). Contact 152 Otley Rd, Headingley, Leeds, LS16 5JX. 4-6 Feb 94 VIBRAPHONE (filk), Oak Hotel, Brighton. #27 reg. Contact 2 Duncan Gate, London Rd, Bromley, BR1 3SG. 4-6 Mar 94 MASQUE III (costume con), Stakis Victoria Hotel, Nottingham. #20 reg "to 30 Dec", then #25. Contact 4 Ednaston Ct, Ashbourne, Derbyshire, DE6 3BA. 1-4 Apr 94 SOU'WESTER (Eastercon), Liverpool. "Now #27 reg". Contact 3 West Shrubbery, Redland, Bristol, BS6 6SZ. "Neil Gaiman, leering:" `Does being a GoH mean I get to sleep with the con chair?' "Chris Bell (for it is she):" `Er, I'm "not" chairing Sou'Wester. Marcus Streets is.' "Neil:" `Errrr....' 4-6 Nov 94 NOVACON 24, Royal Angus Hotel, Brum. (Date/venue to be confirmed.) GoH Graham Joyce. #20 reg. Contact 14 Park St, Lye, Stourbridge, W.Midlands, DY9 8SS. 14-17 Apr 95 CONFABULATION (Eastercon), Britannia Int'l Hotel, London Docklands. #15 reg "rising to #20 on 1 Jan 94. "Quick: contact 3 York St, Altrincham, Cheshire, WA15 9QH. Oct 97 WORLD FANTASY CON in London (new hotel). [SJ] ### INFINITELY IMPROBABLE ### NOVA AWARDS went to Simon Ounsley's "Lagoon" (fanzine), Simon again (fan writer -- `It took me 15 years to get my first Nova ... and about 30 seconds to get the second one') and Dave Mooring (fan artist). The Leeds Group Mind again.... HUBBARD WATCH. The US journo magazine "The Quill" (Nov/Dec 93) has an article on L.Ron's PR operations which supports a commonly held though oft-denied sf view: `AUTHOR SERVICES INC ... established in the early 1980s as a for-profit "full service literary agency" with offices on Hollywood's Sunset Boulevard. The only catch was that Hubbard was the only author. And every staff member was in the Sea Organization "[Scientology's inner circle]".' [JA] Hi, Fred! C.O.A. ETC. "Ken Lake", Metro Inn, PO Box 9043, Nadi Airport, Fiji [to end Dec. From a bed of pain in Honiara, Solomon Islands: `Shall I die in this pesthole? If so, kiss Catie Cary for me.']. "Eunice Pearson/Phill Probert", 2 New Houses, Pant Rd, Dowlais, Merthyr Tydfil, Mid-Glam. [] "Late flash:" Lee David Frederick Bond-Hibbert born 29 July.... [SG] ORYCON 15 in Portland, Oregon, had Terry Pratchett and Lionel Fanthorpe as guests. Our mole reports: `In the original Discworld story Pratchett contributed to the programme book, the influence of Fanthorpe's earlier work was obvious. The Pratchett "Theatre of Cruelty" begins: "It was a fine summer morning, the kind to make a man happy to be alive. And probably the man" would "have been happier to be alive. He was, in fact, dead. / It would be hard to be deader without special training." This opening is highly reminiscent of Fanthorpe's much earlier work "Out of the Darkness", which begins: "Bellenger was dead when they found him. That Bellenger was dead was probably the understatement of the year. Bellenger was horribly, violently dead! / If there can be various degrees of anything so terrible and final as death, then it could be said that Bellenger was as dead as it was possible to be." Also in the Orycon programme book, Guy N.Smith writes of Fanthorpe's influence on his writing career. It is interesting that two such quality writers should have been inspired by the prolific but unrecognized works of one man.' [AoO] SCIENTIFIC UNITS. `The moving target felt vaguely feminine and wholly dangerous: it felt light-years older than Jezrael's biological age of twenty-five.' (Anne Gay, "The Brooch of Azure Midnight") ETHICAL DILEMMA. A certain "Cr*t*c*l W*ve" editor, not Martin Tudor, asks me to urge that you all support this newly `relaunched' sf news mag (6 issues: #8.50). He marks the request DNQ. So I shouldn't "really" mention 845 Alum Rock Rd, Ward End, Birmingham, B8 2AG.... THAT "SF ENCYCLOPAEDIA" CD-ROM ... is now (re)scheduled for January. I have one of the 3 proof copies so far produced, and have been hunting for bugs. At present, trying to read the entry for CHALKER, JACK causes one's computer to hang up irretrievably -- leading to a modest campaign for the retention of this neat enhancement in the final retail edition. TAFF. Martin Morse Wooster donated a hotel offer card (double room for price of single in selected Brit hotels to end May 94). Highest bid by mid-Jan secures: ask A.Frost, 95 Wilmot St, London, E2 0BP. WORLD FANTASY CON. Tim Powers's "Last Call" won the WF novel award, Harlan Ellison a Lifetime Achievement award. `Pretty good con ... impressive dealers' room ... great mix of attendees and guests ... con suite with complimentary meals and "free" bar! Only disappointments were a poorly organized art show and some of the worst programming ever to grace a WFC. Programmer Steven Brust (he of the dragon books) concentrated on fantasy writers, local fans and mostly himself, ignoring the horror people, publishers and artists present.' [SJ] MISCEGENATION! Boxtree's publicity explains the sinister success of their games tie-in books: `We commission the very best writers -- authors like Ian Newman and Kim Watson.' [DP] FORGOTTEN FUTURES. Marcus Rowland begs a plug for his shareware disk of role-playing game rules, plus copious source material based (mainly) on Kipling's ABC stories. I was interested by Utopian scene-setting dialogues like: "`Ah, Comrade Reporter Langford, welcome to People's Synthetic Food Processing Plant 12B. Here we take sawdust and convert it to the finest synthetic protein ...' [several pages of explanation omitted] `This is wonderful, Comrade Food Synthesis Manager Bell. Now, how does the operation of this plant fit into Comrade Glorious Leader Illingworth's five year socio-economic plan?' [several more pages omitted]...." [22 Westbourne Pk Villas, London, W2 5EA] CONFRANCISCO (oyez! oyez!) rushed to say `Oops!' and refund the #15- odd which UPS charged me to receive my add-on bits of Hugo. ConFrancisco, possibly the finest con ever.... NO LAWSUIT! H.Ellison won't be suing NESFA `into oblivion' over their use of Cordwainer Smith's "Last Dangerous Visions" story. `NESFA and Mr. Ellison have reached an amicable settlement, and we will still continue to publish the Smith book.' [BY] Perhaps, when he consulted the contract, HE might have found his rights to the story had long expired? Meanwhile the NESFA collection sold out and is being reprinted. HAZEL'S LANGUAGE LESSONS: Solomons Pijin. "nambawan", the best; "nambaten", the worst; "nambanaen", Honiara Central Hospital; "mektrabol long hasban" (or "long mere"), to commit adultery; "beleran", diarrhoea. [KL] ### THE ELLISON APPRECIATION SOCIETY ### "CHARLES PLATT explains his new, philanthropic project:" More than eight years ago, Harlan Ellison struck a glancing blow to the side of my jaw with the immortal words, `That's from Larry Shaw, motherfucker. Who's dead.' This tap of the knuckles was retribution for my public expression of disgust at the tastelessness of an obituary-like `tribute' to the then still living Larry Shaw that Ellison had staged at a worldcon. (Shaw was an editor who bought some early Ellison stories.) Anyway: following the fisticuffs, Ellison heard that I was planning to publish a work by critic and author Gregory Feeley, listing in relentless detail every novel that Ellison had ever claimed he was currently writing. (In at least one case, he claimed he had "finished the manuscript". None of these works has ever been seen by an editor, and most of them never got past the conceptual stage.) Outraged by my refusal to shut up, Ellison threatened to sue. I responded with a suggestion that we could have a peace treaty. If Ellison would apologize for hitting me and would promise to withdraw his legal action, I would promise not to write about him any more. Ellison agreed. He went further: in a letter dated April 19th, 1988, he described his assault on me as `both violent and inappropriate.' He said, `I fully and sincerely apologize' for any public embarrassment caused. He added, `I assure you that if your reticence in private and in public and in print about me is maintained, that I will punctiliously refrain from making any comments of any kind about you.' Fair enough. As of mid-1988, I stopped making any references to Harlan Ellison. I pretty much forgot about him. Years passed. My involvement in sf diminished, to the point where I literally wasn't sure whether Ellison was still alive. This year, I heard that he had started using an absurdly dramatized version of our `violent' encounter as a humorous anecdote at sf conventions. Finally in November I received a call from the "Comics Journal", which plans to print, verbatim, a speech which Ellison gave at a large comics event. The speech describes how he pulverized my face to the point where I could not speak and was forced to bump my head on the floor in order to plead for mercy. It alleges that everyone who saw this encounter was so much on Ellison's side, and so hostile to me, they all claimed they had seen nothing. (Actually, Fred Pohl spontaneously offered to testify on my behalf, but that's another story.) I admit I was pissed off that this sanctimonious champion of human rights had risen from the grave and unilaterally reneged on his written word. I called him and told him he was a silly old bugger. He shouted a few obscenities, threatened to `pop me one' if I didn't leave him alone, and hung up on me. I have now written to him requesting (another) cessation of hostilities. This time, he has to apologize publicly -- perhaps in a letter to "Locus". If he is unwilling to do so, wearily, I will take steps of my own. I will subsidize a new business venture: the ELLISON INFORMATION LIBRARY. This will serve as a clearing house for anyone who has a story to tell about Mr. Ellison. Serious critical analyses, reminiscences, testimonials from ex-wives -- the Library will be open to all data, the only proviso being that it must be "true". It will be a long-overdue resource for scholars, critics, and readers who want some counterpoint to the self-aggrandizement which continues to emanate from Ellison Wonderland. With any luck, the Library will endure as a monument to Ellison long after his death -- and maybe even after mine. The Ellison Information Library will be available online. The first few documents will be `golden oldies', such as Christopher Priest's "The Last Deadloss Visions" (never before circulated in the United States) and my own `LDV/RIP', in which I tabulated the death rates of contributors to "The Last Dangerous Visions". In due course, I'm sure I will be able to publish more timely work, including Gregory Feeley's much-anticipated but still-unseen overview of those many, many, MANY unwritten novels. Naturally, I have better things to do, but if Harlan Ellison is going to go around spreading gossip about me, the least I can do is spread some truth about him. [charles@mindvox.phantom.com, 21 Nov 93] Ansible 77 (c) Dave Langford, 1993. Thanks to Anon of Oregon, Jon Atack, Paul Barnett, David `Oops' Bratman, Steve Green, Steve Jones, Ken Lake, Janice Murray, Joseph Nicholas, David Pringle, Vicki Rosenzweig, Ian `Credit Me, You Bastard' Sales, Ben Yalow. 2/12/93 Posted by Dave Langford ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk ANSIBLE 80 MARCH 1994 >From DAVE LANGFORD, 94 London Road, Reading, Berkshire, RG1 5AU. Fax 0734 669914. ISSN 0265-9816. E-mail ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk. "Ansible" is or is not available. FREEDOM OF THE PRESS. Does your small-press magazine review horror books or movies? Just watch it. "Paul Barnett" explains: `In mid-February John Gullidge, editor of "Samhain", was stitched up in the "Western Morning News" and "Exeter Express & Echo" in the wake of the seizure elsewhere in the country of whole stacks of video nasties; according to these papers, "Samhain" was little more than a trading ground for such stuff and the police were about to swoop. The "E&E" also made a jolly link-by- proximity (as a tag-on piece) between John's activities and the Jamie Bulger memorial service, with a good plug about how the judge had said it was all caused by "Child's Play 3" -- but nothing, of course, about the police refutation of that claim. [] In fact "Samhain" rarely even mentions video nasties (as opposed to legit horror movies) except in passing, and enjoys excellent relations with the trading standards people, who feel that John's conduct of the magazine is -- so far as their interests are concerned -- exemplary. The "E&E" knew this but didn't bother to mention it; the "WMN" did not know it because they'd omitted to do any in-depth research such as ringing John up (a failing which they pathetically described as "no one was available for comment"). With the true instinct for integrity in journalism, neither paper deigned to print a letter from him correcting these and other errors of fact; and John doesn't feel he can either sue or go to the Press Complaints Commission because some of his other activities rely on reasonable relations with these formerly sycophantic slime-buckets. [] The net result is that as far as the local population is concerned, there is a Monster in our Midst. John is getting ill treatment in the streets to the extent that he goes out as little as possible; several parents have withdrawn their kids from the Woodcraft Folk group of which he is play- leader, and he's been summoned to an extraordinary meeting to be confronted by them; etc. The whole thing makes me see red. Grrr!' "The above was faxed to both papers for comment. None as yet." ### MONSTERS IN ORBIT ### CECELIA HOLLAND has finally read William James's SUNFALL trilogy, noted here last year as bearing a Curious Resemblance to her 1969 historical novel "Until the Sun Falls". Ms Holland seems to agree, in an incandescent letter which we may publish after she's taken legal advice. Latest rumour: devotees of her mediaeval novels "The Earl" (in UK, "A Hammer for Princes") and "Great Maria" may also find happy memories in the pages of SUNFALL. JOHN HOLM, Harry Harrison's collaborator on "The Hammer and the Cross", is (unsecretly) Tom Shippey. His minor billing may not reflect his share of the novel: one pundit reckons it's `90% Shippey'. Yet the US Tor edition omits `Holm' entirely.... JACK KIRBY died on 6 Feb. "Rob Hansen" writes: `Born Jacob Kurtzberg, Kirby was one of the true giants of the US comics industry. Starting in 1935 with newspaper strips, he developed a repertoire of techniques that by the time of his Marvel Comics work in the 1960s had given his artwork unparalleled power and dynamics. For better or worse, Kirby established the visual grammar of superhero storytelling; his influence was immense. He created "Captain America" with Joe Simon in 1941, but will be most widely remembered for his ground-breaking 1960s work on "Fantastic Four", "Thor", "Incredible Hulk", "X-Men", etc.' PAT MURPHY, whose car crash in Nepal was reported in "A78", is now `fine, except for what sounds like a whiplash injury. Apparently the Nepalese vehicle which rolled didn't have seatbelts, hence the injuries.' [LS] GREG PICKERSGILL proves that Genteel Conversation is not dead: `Colonic irrigation -- it's amazing what you can learn from daytime television! This is a REALLY BIG DEAL. It's not just an enema, they have these two tubes, a big one and a little one, and they stick "yards and yards" of them up you and pump water up the small tube. And all this stuff comes SPURTING down the big one, shit and worms and bits of meat you ate three years ago....' "Eileen Weston:" `Not three years! It couldn't, er, because, er....' "[sudden thoughtful silence]". "GP:" `It's very popular with people like ... like ... who's that stupid woman Prince Charles married?' TERRY PRATCHETT, in an astonishing reversal of expectations, won the "BCA Fantasy & SF Author of the Year Award" (latest addition to the commercially oriented British Book Awards). CARL SAGAN disliked Apple's use of `Carl Sagan' as internal nickname for a planned computer ("A79"). Insider sources now add that he chiefly objected to the company of sister projects named Tesla, Piltdown Man and Cold Fusion. Thus the machine briefly became the BHA, for `Butt-Head Astronomer' ... only to be renamed, in short order, the LAW: `Lawyers Are Wimps'. HELEN SHARMAN, Astro-OBE, will present the Arthur C.Clarke Award on 20 April: Kennedy Room, Irish Centre, Murray St, Camden. 6pm for 7:30. MC: Geoff Ryman. More data: David V.Barrett. BRUCE STERLING heard from a Brit who got a job in telecomms after reciting large chunks of "The Hacker Crackdown" at his interview: `Suggested promotional line for the sf audience of the 90s: "Read Bruce Sterling and actually get a job".' ### CONGIARY ### 4-6 Mar MASQUE III (costume con), Stakis Victoria Hotel, Nottingham. #25 reg. Bring a bottle of Red Death. 5-6 Mar MICROCON 14, Devonshire House, Exeter University, 10am- 6pm. GoH Geoff Ryman and many more. #5 reg. 12-13 Mar SEDUCED AND ABANDONED: THE BODY IN THE VIRTUAL WORLD, ICA. Pat Cadigan (`Still too good for you') and Bruce Sterling -- who promises a `virtual reality lecture gig. Also Viking Penguin Ninja Turtle are twisting me arm to do promo for the British "Hacker Crackdown". Cadigan gets to actually promote sf novels and sign at sf bookstores but I have to play pundit and journalist for mundanes.' ICA: 071 930 3647. 25-7 Mar TREK DWARF II, Holiday Inn, Leicester. #35 reg. Contact 47 Marsham, Orton, Coldhay, Peterborough, PE2 5RN. 1-4 Apr SOU'WESTER (Eastercon), Adelphi Hotel, Liverpool. #27 reg. No postal memberships after 14 Mar. Contact 3 West Shrubbery, Redland, Bristol, BS6 6SZ. "Chris Bell" advises `that membership costs "#27" NOT #25, #23 or #30; that I shall probably assault anyone else who writes on the FRONT of the hotel form that their reason for "really really" wanting a single in the Adelphi is "so my boyfriend doesn't have to pay for a bed", and I have to tippex it out before photocopying the form for the hotel; that our bank won't take cheques to "Eastercon '94" instead of "Sou'Wester" (and CERTAINLY not "Albacon '94"!!), nor yet dated Jan/Feb 1993; and no, we don't take Amex NOR BOOK TOKENS. As for PUBLISHERS....' "[Expletives deleted]." A "Local UK SF Groups Listing" is planned as a Sou'Wester newsletter spinoff -- date, time and place info to me before Easter Sunday, please. 1-4 Apr T'KON ("Trek"), Norfolk Gardens Hotel, Bradford. #25 reg. Contact 167 Kingshurst Rd, Northfield, Birmingham, B31 2LL (SAE advised). 27-30 May INCONCEIVABLE (humour/sf), Tudor Court Hotel, Draycott, near Derby. #20 reg, #25 after Easter. Contact 12 Crich Ave, Littleover, Derby, DE23 6ES. Tee-hee! 1-2 Oct OCTOCON 94, Royal Marine Hotel, Dun Laoghaire, Co.Dublin. #12 reg to 1 May, then #16. Contact 14 Ardagh Pk, Blackrock, Co.Dublin, Ireland. A 5th Anniversary Special. 3-5 Feb 95 TRANSEPT (7th UK filk con), Cambridge. #18 reg. Contact 2 Westbrook Pk Rd, Woodston, Peterborough. "Rumblings" MISDEMEANOUR (Feb) was a jolly little convention in the old Silicon mode, held in a Somerset hotel-cum-real-ale-pub which will be visited again. Advertised highlight was the "Trial and Execution of Steve Green" (court reporter Dave Wood likened defending counsel Pam Wells to Perry Mason and prosecutor Katie McAulay to Rumpole) ... amateur conjurer Ray `The Other' Bradbury carried out sentence with an electric saw but a disappointing lack of blood capsules. The true highlight was a Greg Pickersgill rant -- with audience participation -- about the public image of The Scottish Convention: `Is it our fault or is it just a natural disaster that has fallen on us?' This had the general effect of tossing a grenade into a murky pond; strange and revealing flotsam came to the surface. Not much can be done with plaints like '79 chair Peter Weston's `They've got the wrong location, the wrong site! They are DOOMED!', nor wild hopes that the event might somehow be moved bodily to Brighton ... but perceptions of the '95 committee as having been simultaneously disorganized, over-bureaucratic and uncommunicative were taken to heart: co-chair Martin Easterbrook later vowed improvements, beginning with the rapid return of his "Small Mammal" as a Worldcon news forum. Some rumours faded when exposed to light: Julian Headlong, globetrotter and business conventioneer, insisted that the Scottish Exhibition & Conference Centre closed at 7pm with a possible extension to 9pm for major items like the Hugos, but Mr Easterbrook corrects this to a rather more cheering 1am. [] James Steel has since launched "The Digest", an informal one-sheeter about `the "Creative" bits of Intersection': 15 Maldon Close, Camberwell, SE5 8DD. [] "Pickersgill:" `When they played "God Save The Queen" at the end of Seacon '79, I cried ... I felt this great surge of patriotism that British fandom had done this thing.' "Ansible:" `Greg, what did you do at the end of Conspiracy?' "GP:" `I got fucking drunk of course.' ### INFINITELY IMPROBABLE ### THE DEAD PAST. Almost remembered US fan Tom Perry has a squib on Heinlein in Damon Knight's "Monad #3" which may outrage the easily outraged. Tracking down the 30s political activity which RAH kept so dark, Tom finds it was (by US standards) left-wing: erstwhile socialist Upton Sinclair's `End Poverty In California' platform. The `moderate Democrat' story told to and published by Jerry Pournelle seems untrue in numerous details. Tom wonders if RAH suppressed this innocuous-seeming data in fear of Nixon and McCarthy (whose investigations he ironically `saw little wrong with'), since EPIC links could be taken as evidence of `un- American activities'. Was this why Heinlein was touchy until death about his 1941 Worldcon speech, threatening legal action in 1973 when the text -- arguably in the public domain -- was reprinted through the well- meaning efforts of Forrest J.Ackerman? Its second paragraph approvingly mentions Sinclair-as-politician, you see.... C.O.A. ETC. "Linda Krawecke/Dave Carson", 1a Mountney Rd, Old Town, Eastbourne, E.Sussex, BN21 1RJ. "Tom Perry", 1702 West Camelback Rd #285, Phoenix, AZ 85015, USA. "Bob Shaw", 98 London Rd, Stockton Heath, Warrington, Cheshire, WA4 6LE. "Lucy Sussex/Julian Warner", 13 Frederick St, Brunswick, VIC 3056, Australia. `GUFF administrator Roman Orszanski and Sue Peukert have a baby boy -- Dylan Peukert Orszanski -- born 23 Feb at Adelaide's Calvary Hospital.' [MO] STRANGE RELATIONS. Having interviewed `William Burroughs, Shamen, Kurt Vonnegut, Led Zeppelin, M.John Harrison, Deep Purple, E.C.Tubb, Storm Constantine etc,' "Andy Darlington" continued this crescendo of fame by tackling `Leeds' finest band THE MEKONS. Jon Langford claimed he was your brother, and Bonnie Langford your mutual sister. The former I'm prepared to accept....' Really? IN THE MAIL. "Tom Digby Along Fantasy Way" is a TD anthology fanzine from ConFrancisco, still available at $5 post free from 712 Bancroft Suite 1993, Walnut Creek, CA 94598, USA. Verses and clever prose snippets from arcane APAs. [] "Savoy Wars" -- a world first! Savoy Books have chosen your deaf editor, whose record collection has been static at 11 items since 1974, to review their CD of P.J.Proby "et al"! [] "Invasion of the Liberty Snatchers" is a subtly titled booklet of FOREST's anti- anti-smoking-propaganda sf competition winners. Awful, plonking stuff: no message is helped by delivery as bad as this. (28pp A5, #3.99). CORRECTION. "A79:" Los Angeles SF Societoids note that Harry Andruschak's claim to be nominated as `LASFS Nigger of the Year' misrepresents their `Fugghead of the Year' fundraiser contest, lately changed for political correctness to `Most Memorable Fan/Fanac'.... HAZEL'S LANGUAGE LESSONS: ICELANDIC for DSS workers. "atvinnuleysistryggingasjodur", Unemployment Insurance Fund. ### 1993 WORLD FANTASY CON -- AGAIN ### Unprecedented storm and fury were unleashed by "Steve Jones"'s "A77" allegation of lousy WFC programming (`storm' and `fury' are traditional newspaper terms signifying `a few people wrote and we had space to fill'). "Patrick Nielsen Hayden" ("A78") and "Chip Hitchcock" disagreed, the latter saying: `I find most convention programs (including the only other WFC I've been to) uninteresting, and would rate the latest WFC substantially above all of them. Brust put himself on more panels than modesty might dictate, but I found him interesting.' This might explain "Lloyd Penney"'s retort: `your membership got you charter membership in the Steve Brust Self-Promotion and Autograph Line Marching Society.' "David Drake" thought: `The topics were deadly dull "[...]" and so far as I could tell they were meant to be dull -- if they were interesting, that meant they were insufficiently serious for a matter of such gravity as fantasy.' But he liked the panel `in which David Hartwell and Charlie Brown proved that the reviews in "Locus" are worthless to the general reader by Charlie's intent rather than his ineptitude. I suppose watching someone burn himself alive could be interesting in the same fashion.' DD has a cock-up theory of the WFC: "(a)" past organizers (`the second Providence committee in particular') were snotty to programme volunteers; "(b)" rather than be insulted in '93, many waited to be asked; "(c)" S.Brust, conversely, waited for volunteers; "(d)" local fantasy pals climbed aboard while the non-local horror crowd didn't and felt left out. QED. "Teresa Nielsen Hayden" had some `excessively lively panels. I got into a live-fire fight with Harlan Ellison on a couple of 'em at World Fantasy Con (three panels in a row in the same room, without a break, and he was on the first and third), and so have finally come to be in his TLDV-size black books. As with Pickersgill, it's bound to happen sooner or later. [] The first "[panel]", on the influence of good and bad critics, started with Harlan denouncing Gregory Feeley, for a startling list of faults and misdeeds that ran about 90% inaccurate. I coughed discreetly and said, "I am Greg's editor. And his friend." This hint passed unheeded, as did several further attempts to head off Harlan's stampede. Eventually I said, more severely, "Harlan, I don't let Greg go on at me about "you", either." (A lie.) He let it go for a while. [] Late in the panel, someone asked whether there weren't any good critics. I nominated you without thinking through the possible consequences, and Harlan promptly denounced you as "a worthless asshole". "He is not!" I shot back wittily, followed by enough other people signifying instant disagreement to make clear that Harlan's was a minority opinion. [] He's getting to be a mean old son of a bitch. Boring, too.' I knew being a pal of Chris Priest's would catch up with me one day. Teresa recalls a Readercon Midnight Horror Panel showing that US pros "know how to have fun". The title was `Is Violence Necessary?', and `a dead-drunk and bizarrely dressed Kathryn Cramer first monopolized the discourse, pacing back and forth in front of the panel while ranting incoherently into her-friend-the-invisible-mike; then assaulted another panelist who'd been holding up signs ("HELP US PLEASE HELP US") and intermittently suggesting she sit down and shut up (during the early phases of which struggle she inadvertently kicked David Hartwell in the face, whereat David went and sat in the audience); then capped it all when, upon the panelist's extricating himself from her clutches, she toppled face-first from the dais, too drunk to even put out her hands to cushion her fall, and announced while lying there with her face in the carpet that said panelist was fired from "The New York Review of SF". "I quit six months ago," he reminded her. (That was John Ordover.) After that David collected her up for future use, and the panel ended. [] Ansible 80 (c) Dave Langford, 1994. Thanks to David V.Barrett, Dave Clark, John Clute, Mike Glyer, Joseph Nicholas, Marc Ortlieb, Bruce Pelz, Tom Perry, Lucy Sussex, Peter Weston, Dave Wood, other fans credited in the text and our Hero Distributors. 3 Mar 94 Posted by Dave Langford ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk ANSIBLE 81 APRIL 1994 >From DAVE LANGFORD, 94 London Road, Reading, Berkshire, RG1 5AU. Fax 0734 669914. ISSN 0265-9816. E-mail ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk. "Ansible" is available for SAE or personal grovelling. [Disclaimer: Each issue of ANSIBLE is designed for exquisite DTP in multiple fonts. This text dump for CIX and Usenet looks awful. So it goes. DRL] SOU'WESTER. The 1994 British Eastercon saw the expected Hogarthian scenes of desperate fun in the Adelphi Hotel, Liverpool. Attendance approached 800. Again your editor and his merry hacks produced the newsletter ("The Adelphi Coracle") and missed the convention itself, a hallowed fan tradition which I think will have to stop.... Countless issues appeared, John Dallman having hypnotized Gestetner Ltd into loaning a super copyprinter. About the only item we censored was an explicit article on `How To Have Sex With A Jacuzzi', although the Games mob seemed miffed when a lengthy submission listing the zillions of treats they offered and ending `In fact, about the only thing we don't have is Dungeons and Dragons' was cut by ace copyeditor John Grant to: `"Trimmed To Fit Space". The Games Room doesn't have Dungeons and Dragons.' [] GoHs NEIL GAIMAN, DIANE DUANE and PETER MORWOOD baffled the committee at dinner with an erudite discussion of the works of J.P.Martin ("Uncle" etc), while other GoH BARBARA HAMBLY looked bemused. [] RAMSEY CAMPBELL offered handy writing hints (`Think of the first line BEFORE you write it down') and insisted that his new mega-collection "Alone with the Horrors" is not about baby-sitting. [] DIANA WYNNE JONES's appearance was much welcomed, but her dread back pains returned and at 8:15am on Saturday morning I found her dismally awaiting a taxi back to the station. (Commiserations.) [] On 1 April the 21st birthday of VAT was celebrated, and on 4 April the 10th birthday of "1984"'s opening scene. [] Following the Groucho Club `write a novel in 24 hours' competition, eight volunteer lunatics each strove to write one in 7 minutes (winner: Jane Killick). [] EVOLUTION won the 1996 Eastercon bidding with 124 votes, totally defeating two unfunny spoof bids which got 10 votes between them; there were also 17 abstentions. [] SECURITY problems, curse of the Adelphi, seemed well handled by John Harold's mysterious `stealth' techniques whose outward signs were pacing corridors, issuing cute little burglar alarms and telling a really quite boggling number of fans that they hadn't bothered to close their hotel-room doors. [] EASTERCON AWARDS. Long Text: Clute/ Nicholls, "The Encyclopaedia of SF". Short Text: Eric Brown, `The Time- Lapsed Man'. Artwork: Stephen Briggs & Terry Pratchett, "The Streets of Ankh-Morpork". Dramatic: "The Wasp Factory" dramatization. [] BSFA AWARDS. Novel: Chris Evans, "Aztec Century". Short: Rob Holdstock & Garry Kilworth, `The Ragthorn'. Artwork: Jim Burns for "Red Dust" cover -- Jim's 10th BSFA award, talented bugger. Special Award (very popular, with a lengthy presentation speech read by Iain Banks): "The Encyclopaedia of SF". [] MORE AWARDS. Doc Weir for general niceness: Tim Broadribb. Phlosque (new award for notably and noisomely "cute" sf/fantasy art): Dave Mooring. Ken McIntyre (fan art): Barbara Mascetti's Stratmann- wedding invitation design. [] THE ASTRAL LEAUGE "[sic]", most eldritch of elites, had one of its periodic revivals at the ichor-spattered hands of Peter Weston (Occult Master of Tunelessness), who led a revivalist chorus of Astral Hymns that efficiently cleared half the main hotel lounge. [] FIX! The committee let slip that `"Ansible" had more Eastercon Award nominations than the rest of the Short Text category put together; we decided you were ineligible 'cos you won it last year.' Fair enough, boss. [] BOB SHAW reminisced: `When I was young we couldn't afford drinks -- we just chewed tar off the road.' [] JIM ORR of Nimbus Info Systems proudly demonstrated the latest proof of the CD-ROM "SF Encyclopaedia", supposedly being finished at last "this very week!" [] GAMMA bawled out entire bars full of tightfists like John Clute who failed to be enticed by his amazing offer of the previously unpublished P.K.Dick novel "Gather Yourselves Together" at (thanks to a special US-airlift and no-discount deal) #36.00 ... due in June. [] CHRIS BELL thanks `everyone except Steve Jones' for being nice to her. [] DAVE LANGFORD's brain still hurts. [] ### CHILDREN OF THE DAMNED ### POPPY Z.BRITE, the New Orleans dark-fantasy writer, went down well on her early-March UK tour. `Intelligent, witty, humorous, sympathetic and good- looking,' babbles "Chris Fowler". `Poppy, on a Barbican Event panel with Sybil Marshall (in feisty grandma mode) and Esther Freud, read a piece from "Lost Souls" which was pretty mild. When challenged as to why she didn't gross out the Brits with any of a hundred more, er, explicit passages, she explained her frantic round of promotional duties had left her "brain dead". Her reading knocked spots off both her fellow writers -- almost as entertaining as the day's final session, where Howard Jacobson did his best to offend the PC members of the audience while Beryl Bainbridge had obviously dipped far too heavily into the hospitality bottles.... All thanks to Penguin.' PAT CADIGAN's mysterious affliction of Progressive Syllable Loss means (she confides) that following "Mindplayers, Synners" and "Fools" her next novel has to be called "S". After which.... JOHN GRANT, famed for LONE WOLF game tie-in novels, is muttering about Roc's `Shadowrun' game tie-in novel called ... "Lone Wolf" (by Nigel Findley). Luckily Findley's style is decidedly fragging different from Grant's, making fragging endless fragging use of one fragging adjective. Or fragging participle. CECELIA HOLLAND continues the `William James' saga: `I have now read most of the SUNFALL trilogy and am convinced this guy sat there with my books open next to him on the table while he "wrote" his. He also plagiarized parts of "The Earl" (in England it was titled "A Hammer for Princes") and "Great Maria". (Both books, being set in Medieval Europe, rely, oh, really heavily, you know, on "The Secret History of the Mongols".) In fact I think he had at a lot of people, such as Dorothy Dunnett, as well as me. But me mostly.' [] "Later:" `The "[New York]" Authors Guild has read the evidence I gave them for my case of plagiarism against William James and they saw the case is very strong. You can publish that letter now, and I hope you do.' Glad to oblige.... ROBERT SHEA died of cancer on 10 March. He's best remembered for co- writing ILLUMINATUS! with Robert Anton Wilson (still with us, despite a tiresome Internet death hoax a week earlier). WHITLEY STRIEBER is not mentioned this issue, but just wait. GENE WOLFE thinks `I ought to explain why Charlesen Brown is mad at me, since I'm the only one who cares. It all began (and ended) at the World Fantasy Convention banquet. Harlan Ellison got the Grand Master award, and I complained, mentioning that I was older and a better writer. (Both true.) He reciprocated by awarding me his trophy, saying (and I quote), "You want it? Here, take it!" [] Naturally I joined the winners who were posing for pictures. Out of deference to the sensibilities of history, I held my thumb over Harlan's name. At no time did I claim to be Harlan Ellison no matter what Charlesen may print. Naturally, I appear in all the news photos of the event. That, as I think you will agree, is only right and just. Harlan's trophy -- I gave it back, having been reminded that it is properly presented at the end of the recipient's career -- appears in the pictures too, and it should be easy to take out my face and substitute his. We look very much alike, except that Harlan is handsome. [] This is the truth. I have done nothing wrong....' ### CONTECK ### 29 Apr - 2 May UFP 94 ("Trek"), Britannia Int'l Hotel, London Docklands. Contact 61 Scotchill, Coventry, CV6 2EW. 6-8 May VIRTUAL FUTURES: A PHILOSOPHICAL CONFERENCE, Univ of Warwick. With surprise return of Pat Cadigan (`Goddess and Professional Burden') after reportedly being -- along with Bruce Sterling -- the only non-boring feature of the March ICA thingy. #10 reg, #12 after 30 Apr. Contact CRPL, Dept of Philosophy, Univ of Warwick, Coventry, CV4 7AL. 20-22 May MEXICON 6 (`The Party'), Hertford Park Hotel, Stevenage. #9.50 reg. #19.50 twin/dbl, #22.50 sngl. Contact 121 Cape Hill, Smethwick, Warley, West Midlands, B66 4SH. 26-9 May EUROCON, Timisoara, Romania. #15 reg. Optional `7-day advance tour of historic Transylvania'. Contact Bridget Wilkinson, 17 Mimosa, 29 Avenue Rd, Tottenham, N15 5JF. In a fit of Romegalomania the organizers are now said to have wangled UNESCO funding ... tomorrow, the Worldcon? 27-30 May INCONCEIVABLE (humour/sf), Tudor Court Hotel, Draycott, near Derby. Now #25 reg. Contact 12 Crich Ave, Littleover, Derby, DE23 6ES. Giggle! Titter! 22-24 Jul DIMENSION JUMP ("Red Dwarf"), Angel Hotel, Northampton. #25 reg to 1 Jun, then #30. Send `two stamps' to Garden Cottage, Hall Farm, Scottow, Norwich, NR10 5DF. 4-5 Mar 95 MICROCON 15, Exeter Univ. Details to follow. 26-9 Jul 95 THE TIME MACHINE:, H.G.Wells Soc centenary symposium, Imperial College, London. Titles/abstracts of proposed papers to Hon Sec, HGW Soc, English Dept, Nene College, Moulton Park, Northants, NN2 7AL (by 31 Oct 94). 5-8 Apr 96 EVOLUTION (Eastercon), Metropole Hotel, Brighton. GoHs Vernor Vinge, Colin Greenland, Bryan Talbot, Jack Cohen. (Jack babbled at Easter that he'd had no idea he was a GoH, but later remembered agreeing. `Like many brilliant men Jack's memory for what he's doing in the midrange future is a bit tenuous.' [PMcM]) #20 reg. Room rates said to be still under negotiation. Contact 13 Lindfield Gdns, Hampstead, London, NW3 6PX. "Rumblings" The "Faan Awards", scheduled for revival at CORFLU NOVA (USA), have been dropped again owing to fandom's invincible apathy. [AG] The Scottish Convention: following Maureen Speller's and Paul Kincaid's anguished denial of rumours about the Serious Literary programming (`We are not, repeat not, running it ...'), "Ansible" is delighted to announce that it will be run by Paul Kincaid and Maureen Speller (`I am well aware of the fact that we are mad taking this on'). ### INFINITELY IMPROBABLE ### WHO HE? Galaxy-famous fantasy hack Robert Jordan began life as Jim Rigney; the celebrated ("Ansible, passim") William James of SUNFALL is said to be really James William Bell; but who lurks behind the mask of gossip columnist Eva D.Fanglord? "CRITICAL WAVE", the UK newsletter by which others are judged, was recently mailed out late owing to lack of funds -- too few people resubscribed on time. Martin Tudor now promises a swift return to schedule, adding that he's awesomely cut "CW" debts from nearly #4000 to #1000+ in the last 2 1/2 years. (`The time I've been in work -- funny coincidence.') "STAR TREK" NEWS: `KIRK SPLIT ON HOMOSEXUALITY', says this headline from the Catholic mag "The Tablet", and, er.... [MP] [] "Sociology of Religion" (55:1, 1994) features `Star Trek Fandom as a Religious Phenomenon', by Michael Jindra: `Star Trek fandom involves a sacralization of elements of our culture, along with the formation of communities with regularized practices that include a "canon" and a hierarchy. Star Trek fandom is also associated with a popular stigma, giving fans a sense of persecution and identity common to active religious groups.' Visions of stigmata in the numinous shape of Starfleet insignia.... C.O.A. "Ken Brown", 108 Sandrock Road, Lewisham. "Mog Decarnin", 521 N.Sweetzer Ave #1, West Hollywood, CA 90048-2641, USA. "Steven McDonald", 70 Greenfield Road, Essex Junction, Vermont 05452-3922, USA. "Barbara & Hugh Mascetti", 12 Chesnut Way, Takeley, Herts, CM22 6RW. "Paul Williams", PO Box 231155, Encinitas, CA 92023, USA. ALSO: `"Dave Wood" joins Grandfather Fandom -- Louie Henry Wood "b."3 April!' "FIRE AND WATER", HarperCollins's sf newsletter, `is undergoing a radical rethink. The reason for this is that copies were not going out of bookshops as had been the original intention. So a new, revamped edition is forecast.' Real books which suffer this problem just get dumped. SQUATTERS' RIGHTS. Following the row between descendants of Lucy Maud Montgomery and the politicians on Prince Edward Island, Canada, who claim intellectual property rights to "Anne of Green Gables" because the province is integral to the novel ... "Steve Green" remarks: `No doubt Liverpool City Council is already contacting Ramsey Campbell, while the population of Narnia will be eager for a slice of "Shadowlands".' CORRECTIONS. "A79:" the Wrigley/Cross `Best of Lionel Fanthorpe' won't appear until Summer 1995. [] "A80:" in "Samhain" vs. Unspeakable Local Press, `Woodcraft Folk group' should read just `playgroup'. [] "Jonathan Cowie: an Apology." We are very sorry about Jonathan Cowie. GOOD BITS. `She knew how to embroider and milk a cow.' -- Connie Willis, "Doomsday Book". `He lifted her tee-shirt over her head. Her silk panties followed.' -- Peter Hamilton, "Mindstar Rising". ALMOST CENSORED! I rather hoped to give the vexed subject of Harlan Ellison a rest, but "Dan Steffan" is made of sterner stuff: `On a recent episode of the Sci-Fi (gag) Channel show "Sci-Fi Buzz", Harlan (their weekly crabby commentator) took a camera crew into his house and showed them the scene of his earthquake nose-break, accompanied by his out-of- breath running description of the events -- we saw the staircase he tumbled from, the books (now piled on a pool table) that fell from their shelves and the ominously empty spot that once held a framed bit of artwork that nearly ended his career when it leapt from the wall, straight for HE's head. It was just like watching Oswald get shot or seeing the Shuttle explode.' [] Chris Priest's "The Last Deadloss Visions" has its first trade publication in May from Fantagraphics ($6.95), tastefully retitled "The Book on the Edge of Forever." In lieu of an enthusiastic Ellison jacket blurb, a huge drawing of him dominates the cover. Brits can obtain CP's own revised edition directly from him at 32 Elphinstone Rd, Hastings, E.Sussex, TN34 2EQ ... #7.50 post free. ### NASTY TALES ### We had some response to Paul Barnett's "A80" rant about West Country newspaper hounding of John Gullidge and "Samhain" for no apparent reason other than to give a spurious `local' angle on video-nasty prosecutions in remote parts of Britain. Both papers were faxed in advance so they could comment: the "Western Morning News" remains dumb, but Rachael Campey of the Exeter "Express & Echo" eventually wrote to say our piece was offensive (`It was, and justifiably so' -- Paul Barnett) and inaccurate (no details offered), and furthermore that the "E&E" was by no means a sensationalist tabloid. To demonstrate this, and perhaps to show John Gullidge just what they can do to anyone who offends by making a complaint, the "E&E" ran a 30 March story based on the shock horror news that a mother withdrew her child from JG's playgroup some weeks earlier ... i.e., as a result of the paper's own initial smear. The drift, despite glowing testimonials from co-workers, children and parents, was that JG is unfit to be an assistant playgroup leader thanks to involvement with a well-regarded horror movie review mag. QED. PAUL BARNETT is pondering a "SAMHAIN"BALLS fund (remember MJ-BALLS?) which could raise money for legal action to shut up the "E&E" before it succeeds in its apparent goal of losing John Gullidge his job. All tentative so far: write to 17 Polsloe Rd, Exeter, Devon, EX1 2HL if you'd like to be kept informed. "Ansible" will pass on any e-mail enquiries. SIMON GREEN was `shocked ... but not surprised. I got raided by the fuzz myself last year. Two plain-clothes officers turned up asking for me. They showed a warrant card that looked like something had been chewing on it.... [] Somewhere up North they'd arrested a video dealer for selling porno/pirate videos. When they checked his mailing list, they found my name. He'd been advertising rare horror stuff (at least a year before), and I'd ordered something. The fuzz were convinced it was porn, and demanded that I hand it over. "Your parents needn't know, just give us the tape. We don't want to come back with a search warrant." [] So I showed them my video collection, which was and is rather large, and all of it kosher. They went through every title. It took over an hour of hard talking to convince them I wasn't the porn king of Bradford-on-Avon. [] Now, they were never rude or intimidating, but they had come to my house convinced that I was guilty. None of that "presumed innocent" crap. I found the whole thing rather upsetting.' [] Ansible 81 (c) Dave Langford, 1994. Thanks to Jane Barnett, Paul `Thog' Barnett, Chris Bell, Simon Bradshaw, John Clute, John Dallman, Chris `Not The Novelist, The Other One' Fowler, Abigail `Shouting at people is what I live for!' Frost, Neil Gaiman, Alexis Gilliland, Rob Hansen, Robert Lichtman, Pat McMurray, Janice Murray, Teresa Nielsen Hayden, Marion Pitman, Jilly Reed, Sou'Wester, Gary & Linda Stratmann, Usenet, Jan van't Ent. 7 Apr 94 David Langford ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk ANSIBLE 82 MAY 1994 From DAVE LANGFORD, 94 London Road, Reading, Berkshire, RG1 5AU. Fax 0734 669914. ISSN 0265-9816. E-mail ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk. "Ansible" is available for SAE or personal grovelling. [NET NOTE. The `real' ANSIBLE is printed and looks nicer (I hope), but this version contains all the words apart from the occasional artwork credit. It is possible to subscribe electronically to ANSIBLE by sending e-mail with the single word SUBSCRIBE to ansible-request@dcs.gla.ac.uk ... not, please, to me personally. DRL] THE IDEAL FAN NEWSLETTER. `"Ansible" isn't an organ playing the right tune here; I'm not talking about something three-quarters full of clever wordplay no matter how ingenious about a bunch of paid hacks.' -- Greg Pickersgill, "Rastus Johnson's Cakewalk 5". ### MIMSY WERE THE BOROGOVES ### HARRY BELL is now a paid hack: he bagged #500 as regional winner of the John Laing Art Competition for his oil painting of Pilgrim St, Newcastle -- bought by JL (NE) plc for #600. WILLIAM GIBSON muttered that, working on the "Johnny Mnemonic" film and meeting a producer, he knew exactly how a virus felt when it met with its own specific antibody. [YR] COLIN GREENLAND warns that the anonymous loon who plagues UK sf writers with plot ideas (see" A75/76") `has found a new game. This time he's written to the BBC posing as me. The woman in the PR dept said it was hard to understand what he wanted -- "he goes on about the universe," she explained....' BERNARD KING (author of the TYRFING and KEEPER OF THE CHRONICLES fantasy series) suffered several minor strokes, damaging short-term memory and eyesight. He hopes that his current medication will allow him to work again soon. [PB] PAUL MCAULEY is `being troubled by a misguided idiot (or an incompetent crook) in Canterbury who insists that he has written a short story of mine using my name as a pseudonym. "Karl and the Ogre" was reprinted in Tom Shippey's "Oxford SF" anthology, and shortly afterwards my agent received a solicitor's letter demanding payment of the advance on behalf of the aforementioned loony-tune. Not only this, but my would- be doppelganger also hawked around a collection of short stories including "Karl and the Ogre". Stiff lawyer's letters have been sent out -- this kind of behaviour is what is known as "passing off" to m'learned friends -- so I can't actually name names, but editors should note that any material sent from a Canterbury address and claiming to be associated with my name, isn't.' JEFF NOON received the Arthur C.Clarke award (presented by Helen Sharman) for his sf novel "Vurt" and won all hearts at the event by getting totally smashed on the strength of it. The taped Voice of Clarke Himself -- wot, no satellite link? -- commended practically everything and issued an unexpected plug for the "SF Encyclopaedia" ... he must have liked his entry. Fun was had despite the Camden venue's being several hundred miles from any tube station. "Ansible" cannot confirm the rumour that a HarperCollins representative contrived to mistake ACCA administrator David V.Barrett for a woman. (`"Which" woman?') GENERAL MANUEL NORIEGA, interviewed by film-maker Oliver Stone, proves to be a fan. "OS:" `What books do you read?' "MN:" `I like science fiction very much.' "OS:" `Any favourites?' "MN:" `No, whatever, whatever.' "John Foyster" adds: `Ya gotta admire Stone's dead sophisticated interviewing techniques, but what is Noriega trying to hide? A passion for Lois McMaster Bujold? David Drake? Etc? Is this worth a competition?' "(No -- Ed.)" CHRISTOPHER PRIEST confirms the "A78" rumour: Jim Owsley, writer of the DC comic "The Ray", has legally changed his name to `Christopher Priest' because `I think it sounds ... "cool".' He is so credited on the cover of the first issue (May 94). Our CP finds it `a bit bleeding irritating to have my name pinched by another writer' and has suggested to DC that Owsley think again: `If Jim must use a pseudonym, why doesn't he pick a "really" silly one, like, say, "Harlan Ellison"?' [RH/CP] CARL SAGAN has sued Apple for unspecified damages -- "not" for briefly nicknaming a new computer `Sagan', but for renaming it (after Sagan's legal threats) to BHA and letting it be rumoured that this stands for `Butt-Head Astronomer' ... which Sagan claims has brought him `hatred, contempt, ridicule and obloquy'. Is `butt-head' defamatory? Is this pointless suit not the action of, well, of a BHA? Only the courts can decide. [BY] GEORGE TURNER, `despite having not recovered fully the use of his right hand following last year's stroke, has started a new novel, one- handed. Truly heroic! And a US publisher has bought reprint rights to his earlier trilogy.' [LS] KEITH WATSON, who drew "Dan Dare" for "Eagle" 1961-7, died of cancer on 9 April aged 58. His first stripwork was "Captain Condor" ("Lion" 1960-1); he returned to "Dan Dare" in 1989-90 and his last published work was for "Thunderbirds". A likeable man, he was highly respected in sf illustration and comics. [RT] ### CONTRAVALLATION ### 18 May LITERATE FANTASY EVENING (`i.e. "no elves"'), Gt Northern Hotel, Peterborough. With Robert ("The Arabian Nightmare") Irwin, Eric Lane, Brian (`undead') Stableford. #3. Contact 58 Pennington, Orton Goldhay, Peterborough, PE2 0RB. ["CW"] 20-22 May MEXICON 6 (`The Party'), Hertford Park Hotel, Stevenage. #9.50 reg. #19.50 twin/dbl, #22.50 sngl. Contact 121 Cape Hill, Smethwick, Warley, West Midlands, B66 4SH. 26-9 May EUROCON, Timisoara, Romania. #15 reg. Contact 17 Mimosa, 29 Avenue Rd, Tottenham, N15 5JF ... fast! 27-30 May INCONCEIVABLE (humour/sf), Tudor Court Hotel, Draycott, near gigglesome Derby. Now a hilarious #25 reg. Contact 12 Crich Ave, Littleover, Derby, DE23 6ES. 8-10 Jul BACON (Unicon 15), New Hall Coll, Cambridge. GoH Geoff Ryman, Simon Ings. #16 reg. Contact 38 Scotland Road, Chesterton, Cambridge, CB4 1QG; (0223) 564483. 29-31 Jul WINCON III, King Alfred's Coll, Winchester. GoH: Algis Budrys, James Hogan and (new) Norman Spinrad. #23 reg, rooms #18/night. Contact 12 Crowsbury Close, Emsworth, Hants, PO10 7TS. "John Richards:" `Look, Langford, who do we have to FUCK to get another mention in "Ansible"?' Now he knows. 5-6 Nov ARMADACON, Astor Hotel, Plymouth. GoH Mary Gentle etc. #20 reg. Rooms #29/person/night. Contact 4 Gleneagle Ave, Mannamead, Plymouth, PL3 5HL. "Rumblings" Atlanta dropped their 1998 Worldcon bid (they lost their hotel). "Martin Hoare" is recruiting for Boston in 1998 -- `Get the only ribbon Tim Illingworth won't wear!' -- while Tim is UK agent for the incompatible Boston in 2001. Current rumoured bids ... "1997" San Antonio, St Louis (both confirmed); "1998" Boston (not MCFI), Baltimore, Niagara Falls, multiple New York groups; "1999:" Australia, a possible Las Vegas bid run from Chicago; "2000" Kansas City, Chicago; "2001" Boston (MCFI), Philadelphia; "2002" Seattle, San Francisco. [KS] ### INFINITELY IMPROBABLE ### NEBULAS. Novel: "Red Mars", K.S.Robinson. Novella: `The Night We Buried Road Dog', Jack Cady. Novelette: `Georgia On My Mind', Charles Sheffield. Short: `Graves', Joe Haldeman. C.O.A. ETC. "Molly Brown/Brandon Butterworth", 21 Higher Dr, Purley, Surrey, CR8 2HQ. "Heidi Lyshol", The Garth, Bury Lane, Horsell, Woking, GU21 4RR. "Pat McMurray", 28 Plaistow Grove, Bromley, Kent, BR1 3PB. "Roman Orszanski/Sue Peukert", PO Box 178, Kensington Park, SA 5068, Australia. "Ashley Pollard" (once Ashley Watkins) asks fans to note her name change: `I've been out of the closet for a month!' "Pat Silver/Dave Holladay", 111 Weston Rd, Long Ashton, Bristol, BS18 9AE. FOR DIRTY MINDS. Little, Brown catalogue copy for Anne McCaffrey, "The Ship Who Searched": `But Tia won't be satisfied to glide through life like a ghost in a glorified wheelchair. She would rather strap on a spaceship.' "Roz Kaveney": `Amanda Donohoe in "Lair of the White Worm", eat your heart out!' SF ENCYCLOPAEDIA FOREVER. After many missed release dates, the Nimbus CD-ROM edition has been cancelled -- the whole project was bought out by Grolier for a CD release using their far more suave software (Mac or Windows). There will be a `non-commercial' Nimbus DOS edition of about 20 copies to placate the editors and those who made down payments for the CD-ROM at Sou'Wester. A Grolier publication date is awaited. PHILIP K.DICK AWARD ... the joint winners are "Growing Up Weightless" by John M.Ford and "Elvissey" by Jack Womack. [Tor] "SF EYE" CROSSED: Steve Brown wails that his "SF Eye #13" (`two tons of paper') has been trapped on a Wisconsin loading dock by a US Teamster strike since 9 April. [SB, 23 Apr] RANDOM FANDOM. "Rob Hansen" will, alas, have more time than anticipated to complete his 80s fan history; Sainsbury's have axed his job. [] "Maureen Speller" gloats that the BSFA raised #1200 at Eastercon. [] "Alexander Vasilkovsky" excoriates me for not mentioning the Russian/ Ukrainian vodka party as a major highlight of Sou'Wester (his fault for plying me with Elixir of Amnesia).... [] "John Whitbourn", awed by the "A81" mention of J.P.Martin's books, offers signed and grovellingly dedicated copies of "Popes and Phantoms" to anyone who can locate "Uncle", "Uncle & Claudius the Camel" or "Uncle & the Battle for Badgertown", preferably in Cape hardback. Apparently P.Morwood and D.Duane begged Cape to reissue them but were told the books were too `classist'. CENSORED! A sample of Lois McMaster Bujold's sensitive sf dialogue was cut from April's "Guardian" sf reviews: `Bothari the monster, Bothari, Vorrutyer's mad batman?' (from "Barrayar") COVER-UP. Let's skip the latest H.Ellison "vs" C.Platt exchange ... since "(a)" HE might get litigious if I quote his computer-net outburst (he's issued risibly weak legal threats in hope of suppressing the US publication of "Last Deadloss Visions" -- one sadly recalls his Champion of Free Speech days); "(b)" while Ellison invective has often been a dazzling performance which even detractors can't help but admire, the present incoherence, paralogia and mud-slinging are not in the same class. (He even resorts to `anyway I'm more famous than you' -- what next, `my Dad is bigger than yours'?) Where are the marbles of yesteryear? ### THE DESIRE & PURSUIT OF THE WHOLE ### Yes, it's Hugo nominations time again (zzzzz) ... NOVEL "Moving Mars", Greg Bear; "Glory Season", David Brin; "Virtual Light", William Gibson; "Beggars in Spain", Nancy Kress; "Green Mars", Kim Stanley Robinson [] NOVELLA `The Night We Buried Road Dog', Jack Cady ("F&SF"); `Mefisto in Onyx', Harlan Ellison ("Omni"); `An American Childhood', Pat Murphy ("IASFM"); `Into the Miranda Rift', G.David Nordley ("Analog"); `Down in the Bottomlands', Harry Turtledove ("Analog"); `Wall, Stone, Craft', Walter Jon Williams ("F&SF") [] NOVELETTE `The Shadow Knows', Terry Bisson ("IASFM"); `The Franchise', John Kessel ("IASFM"); `Dancing on Air', Nancy Kress ("IASFM"); `Georgia on My Mind', Charles Sheffield ("Analog"); `Deep Eddy', Bruce Sterling ("IASFM") [] SHORT `England Underway', Terry Bisson ("Omni"); `The Good Pup', Bridget McKenna ("F&SF"); `Mwalimu in the Squared Circle', Mike Resnick ("IASFM"); `The Story So Far', Martha Soukup ("Full Spectrum 4"); `Death on the Nile', Connie Willis ("IASFM") [] NON-FICTION "Once Around the Bloch: An Unauthorized Autobiography", Robert Bloch; "Encyclopaedia of SF", ed. John Clute & Peter Nicholls; "PITFCS: Proceedings of the Institute for Twenty-First Century Studies", ed. Theodore R.Cogswell; "Understanding Comics: The Invisible Art", Scott McCloud; "The Art of Michael Whelan: Scenes/Visions", Michael Whelan [] DRAMATIC "Addams Family Values"; `The Gathering' ("Babylon 5"); "Groundhog Day"; "Jurassic Park"; "The Nightmare Before Christmas" [] EDITOR Ellen Datlow; Gardner Dozois; Mike Resnick; Kristine Kathryn Rusch; Stanley Schmidt [] ARTIST Thomas Canty; David Cherry; Bob Eggleton; Don Maitz; Michael Whelan [] ORIGINAL ARTWORK "F&SF" cover Oct/Nov, Thomas Canty; Space Fantasy Commemorative Stamp Booklet, Stephen Hickman (US Postal Service); "IASFM" cover Nov, Keith Parkinson (no other nominee appeared on the needed 5% of ballots) [] SEMI-PROZINE "Interzone"; "Locus"; "New York Review of SF"; "Pulphouse"; "SF Chronicle"; "Tomorrow SF" [] FANZINE "Ansible" (wow!); "File 770"; "Lan's Lantern"; "Mimosa"; "Stet" [] FAN WRITER Sharon Farber; Mike Glyer; Andy Hooper; Dave Langford; Evelyn C.Leeper [] "Fan Artist" Brad W.Foster; Teddy Harvia; Linda Michaels; Peggy Ranson; William Rotsler; Stu Shiffman [] CAMPBELL AWARD "(not a Hugo)" Holly Lisle; Jack Nimersheim; Carrie Richerson; Amy Thomson; Elizabeth Willey [DB/SG] [] 649 ballots were cast. Some categories have over 5 nominees owing to ties. `Dancing on Air' was moved from Novella, and `Death on the Nile' and `England Underway' from Novelette, `to achieve a fairer balance' as allowed by the WSFS Constitution. This is less controversial than it sounds (boo, hiss): the nominations threshold of 5% of ballots cast or 32 nominations initially resulted in a Short Story shortlist of only three items. BRAM STOKER AWARDS. NOVEL nominations: "Anno Dracula", Kim Newman; "Blackburn", Bradley Denton; "Drawing Blood", Poppy Z.Brite; "The Summoning", Bentley Little; "The Throat", Peter Straub. ["IM"] ### OBITUARY (?): BRIAN STABLEFORD ### "Francis Amery writes:" Scanning the new edition of "The Writers' Directory" I noticed that Brian Stableford's entry had been transferred to the Obituary section; on turning to it I discovered the terse note: `Died in 1993'. This came as a shock, not because BS was a close friend -- I knew him slightly, having done some translations for his Dedalus anthologies -- but because I had seen nothing in "Locus" or "Interzone", which might have been expected to record the demise of even such a minor writer as he. When I dropped in on his wife to offer my commiserations she admitted that the event had been quite unexpected. `I'm so used to seeing him slumped in front of the TV I didn't think anything of it,' she said. `I thought he was just off his food. How was I to know he was dead?' When I asked the cause of death she told me that the doctor had insisted on writing `broken heart' on the death certificate in spite of her protestations. `Bloody medical jargon,' she said. `Truth is, he just couldn't be bothered to breathe any longer. He always was a miserable sod. Anyway, I've got to get things straight -- I had no idea it would take so long to burn all those dusty old books, but they kept the Aga going all winter. Do you know anyone who wants to buy a cheap computer?' I volunteered to buy the computer myself, as an act of charity. It wasn't until I got it home that I discovered all the unpublished novels, stories and articles on the hard disk. There was a certain terrible pathos in that mute legacy; when I remembered how much Brian actually did publish, one way or another (personally, I refuse to believe the rumours about bribery) I began to realize what a sad and empty life he must have led. I promptly decided that if nobody else was prepared to write a eulogy for him, I'd do it myself -- but then I had second thoughts. Would Brian really have wanted to be loudly and insincerely praised when it was too late to do him any good? Would he really have wanted so- called friends crawling out of the woodwork to proclaim that he had always been underappreciated, and to declare that his abysmal failure as a writer and as a human being had been at least a trifle unfortunate? I decided, on due reflection, that he would not. I decided, in fact, that what Brian would really have desired, more than anything else, was to carry on regardless -- to demonstrate that for a man as pig-headedly stubborn as he (he was, of course, a Yorkshireman), even death could not interrupt the cataract of hackwork which flowed ceaselessly from his calloused fingertips. Anyway, one or two of the items on his hard disk looked saleable, if only they could be polished by a writer with a better sense of style than poor Brian ever had. For these reasons, I have determined to do the decent thing, regardless of all inconvenience to myself. I shall change my name by deed poll to Brian Stableford, and do my damnedest to publish everything on that disk -- and then I shall write more of the same. After all, if a no- hoper like him can master the delicate artistries of sarcasm and cynicism, so can I. What better monument could any man ask for than that one of his fellows should be prepared to lay down his own life in exchange for his? "Francis Amery is believed to be a pseudonym." Ansible 82 (c) Dave Langford, 1994. Thanks to `Francis Amery', Paul Barnett, David Bratman, Critical Wave, John Foyster, Seth Goldberg, Rob Hansen, Instant Message, Roz Kaveney, Joseph Nicholas, Chris Priest, Yvonne Rousseau, Maureen Speller, Kevin Standlee, Lucy Sussex, Ron Tiner, Usenet, Ben Yalow and our Hero Distributors: FATW, Janice Murray (USA), SCIS, Alan Stewart (Australia), Martin Tudor. The Hugo nominators were pretty wonderful too -- thanks again! 5 May 94 David Langford ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk From DAVE LANGFORD, 94 London Road, Reading, Berkshire, RG1 5AU. Fax 0734 669914. ISSN 0265-9816. E-mail ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk. "Ansible" is available for SAE or deep personal grovelling. [NET NOTE. The `real' ANSIBLE is printed and looks nicer (I hope), but this version contains all the words apart from the occasional artwork credit. It is possible to subscribe electronically to ANSIBLE by sending e-mail with the single word SUBSCRIBE to ansible-request@dcs.gla.ac.uk ... not, please, to me personally. DRL] MEXICON 6: THE PARTY. This lightweight event (held in the posh international resort of Stevenage) celebrated the tenth anniversary of 1984's `Tynecon II: the Mexicon' to such enjoyable effect that the happy throng voted "nem con" never to do this terrible thing again. To prevent any recurrence, the accumulated convention funds -- some #1,400 -- were turned over to a Mexicon Foundation created on the spot by spontaneous popular acclaim ... although tiny twinges of cynicism greeted the appearance of previously printed flyers announcing this body's existence and accurately predicting its committee membership (Rhodri James, Christina Lake, Greg Pickersgill [Chair], Martin Tudor, Pam Wells; 3 Bethany Row, Narberth Rd, Haverfordwest, SA61 2XG). Rather than stifle democracy by putting the question to the much larger Mexicon 5 mailing list, matters were decided by a show of hands after a two-hour debate steered by that man Pickersgill -- and Mexicon was no more. The Mexicon Foundation will, er, help fund unspecified worthy projects, and wants your money. Some 5,271,009 fans have already complained about the name's possible confusion with the SF Foundation, though `SF' and `Mexicon' are not pronounced "all" that similarly.... [] An item on censorship saw fearless Roz Kaveney being brutally and repeatedly censored by John Harvey's sound system: `The thing about snuff movies is that WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!' [] The `Choice Sleaze' panel featured Iain Sinclair revealing certain New Agers' theory that the unspeakable Derek Beackon's victory (since reversed) in that Isle of Dogs by-election was because his house is built on the intersection of the two most powerful ley lines in London. (Ken Brown explains: `Canary Wharf apparently blocks the flow of force and causes disturbances in the Nature of Things leading to the fascist victory. Do you realize Eastercon 1995 is to be be held just by the most powerful ley line in London?') Abigail Frost accused Sinclair of having got it all from her favourite pressure group the London Psychogeographical Society, but he denied all knowledge. "Frost:" `I accept Mr Sinclair's denial of all knowledge.' [] Fleeing hordes of audience members refused to speak of the panel on e-mail and fanzines. `It was @hell in there,' seemed to be the consensus. `Wibble!' explained Charles Stross, and fell over. [] Other memories? The Ultra Quiz round in which half the con struggled to construct Eiffel Towers from straws and paperclips (John Harvey, unrolling the tape measure of judgement: `Size "is" important.'). The surprise appearance of Charles Platt and his lady Susan Kim. A totally inaudible video of John Jarrold raving from the safety of the USA that sf was dead, or all crap, or edited by John Jarrold, or something equally terrible. Lightbulbs glowing over heads as the price of canned Guinness at the hotel bar was compared with that of identical cans at the late-opening Tesco mere yards away.... ### THE ARGONAUTS OF THE AIR ### JOHN BRUNNER cried `They seem to value the arts more in Romania than in the west' after receiving the supreme accolade: being waved through customs on route to EuROcon, merely because officials discovered he was a writer. [JC] EMMA BULL's musical group `The Flash Girls' was reviewed in "Folk Roots" magazine, which calls her a `Somewhat renowned former sci-fi authoress and art rocker....' Former? [JN] HARLAN ELLISON phoned about various "Ansible" pieces, saying in particular that his huge wrath at the inclusion of that "Last Dangerous Visions" story in NESFA's Cordwainer Smith collection had a lot to do with HE himself having partly rewritten Smith's imperfect draft for "TLDV" ... only to learn for the first time of the story's pre-emption (courtesy of the Scott Meredith agency) when he saw the NESFA volume. He protested that coverage here made him look like, if I heard correctly, `a goofus'. "Mea culpa", no doubt; as Mike Glyer keeps complaining, "Ansible" has this fatal tendency to portray practically everyone as a goofus.... RAYMOND Z.GALLUN, the old-time sf author whose first sale was `The Space Dwellers' in 1929, died on 2 Apr aged 83. ["SFC"] ALASDAIR GRAY's photo appears in Colin Manlove's "Scottish Fantasy Literature: A Critical Survey", with an analytical caption worthy of Lombroso: `This is a coolly interrogative Gray, whose narrow lips and strong nose, together with the sheer hairiness of aspect, sufficiently suggest the academic manque who has outdone all academics. This is the Gray who refuses to be pinned down....' [DP] But is it the one who writes books? NICOLA GRIFFITH won the 1994 James Tiptree Jr award for `gender- bending' sf with her 1993 novel "Ammonite". [JG] TEDDY HARVIA wishes to claim precedence for a scientific discovery: `I ridiculed Carl Sagan long before Apple implied he was a butthead. He did to science what L.Ron Hubbard did to religion. Popularity does not convert to substance.' PAUL MCAULEY has an update (see "A82"): `Regarding the lunatic wannabe from Canterbury.... Mighty forces have averted my sincere (as in imitation is ...) friend's kamikaze legal action to wrest ownership of my own story from me. I don't know quite what he was offering to publishers, except a handwritten note concerning a short story collection including "his" "Karl and the Ogre". Apparently, he has also written something called "Pasquale's Machine", and claims that Paul McCartney stole the lyrics and music of "Yesterday" from him.' JAMES RANDI, scourge of psychic frauds, controversially insists that despite the net rumour spread by one G.Riley (a crony of Uri Geller) he is not dead. `Typically, [Riley] has picked up on an anonymous phone call and accepted it because it's "news" he would like to be true. With all the earth-shaking successes he and his "colleague" have had recently (sold-out houses in Australia, stunning wins in the law courts, straightening out Galileo and finding the lost Mars Observer for NASA, to name only a few miracles) one would think that he could sit back on his laurels. (Please, will someone explain the "laurels" reference to him. He may think it's a part of his body.)' STEVE SNEYD grumps: `Intrigued by the cognitive dissonance at work in the bumf for the U of Liverpool MA in sf studies ... the need for a good First or Second Class Hons in LITERATURE would, I'd think, eliminate chances of most sf writers doing the course (but then perhaps they don't want 'em anyhow, danger of lively writing sneaking into the thesis?). Blights at a stroke my tawdry hopes of trying to do an MA in SF poetry....' VERNA SMITH TRESTRAIL, E.E.Smith's daughter and a noted First Fandom member in her own right, died in March aged 73. JANE YOLEN has been censored again: `A [school] librarian reading from my picture book "Tam Lin" was accused of being a satanist, and a parent tried to sue her, stating "After my daughter heard that story, she needed therapy." At the school board level, the librarian won, but "then" the school administrator took her aside and said, "Don't use that story again. We simply don't have the time or money to fight this battle again." Win the battle -- lose the war!' ### CONNEXIVUM ### 10-12 Jun SHOTS ON THE PAGE (mystery/detective event), Forte Crest Hotel, Nottingham. #40 reg. Contact Broadway Media Centre, 14 Broad St, Nottingham, NG1 3AL. 24-26 Jun The Scottish Convention Staff Weekend, Leofric Hotel, Coventry. #30/person/night. Contact 13 St Cloud Rd, West Norwood, SE27 9PN; (081) 761 2635. `... the main topics of discussion this time will be Timeline's and Theme's.' "Ansible" suggests a further seminar on Apostrophe's. 8-10 Jul BACON (Unicon 15), New Hall Coll, Cambridge. GoH Geoff Ryman, Simon Ings. #16 reg. Contact 38 Scotland Road, Chesterton, Cambridge, CB4 1QG; (0223) 564483. 22-24 Jul DIMENSION JUMP ("Red Dwarf"), Angel Hotel, Northampton. #30 reg. Send `two stamps' to Garden Cottage, Hall Farm, Scottow, Norwich, NR10 5DF. 29-31 Jul WINCON III, King Alfred's Coll, Winchester. GoH: Algis Budrys, James Hogan, Norman Spinrad. #23 reg. Contact 12 Crowsbury Close, Emsworth, Hants, PO10 7TS. 1-5 Sep CONADIAN (52nd Worldcon), Winnipeg Convention Centre, Manitoba, Canada. $125 reg ($Can160) to 15 Jul. UK contact: 147 Francis Rd, London, E10 6NT. 30 Sep - 2 Oct FANTASYCON XIX, Midland Hotel, Brum. GoH Katherine Kurtz, Brian Lumley. #30 reg. Contact 137 Priory Rd, Hall Green, Birmingham, B28 0TG. 1-2 Oct OCTOCON 94, Royal Marine Hotel, Dun Laoghaire, Co.Dublin. GoH Rob Holdstock. #16 reg to 1 Sep; #20 at door. Contact 20 Newgrove Ave, Sandymount, Dublin 4, Ireland. 14-16 Oct D-CONTANIMET (anime), Grand Hotel, Brum. #20 reg to 17 Sept, then #25. Contact 13 Prescott Close, Banbury, Oxon, OX16 0RD. (0295) 256284. 12 Mar 95 (Sunday!) PICOCON 12, Imperial College Union, Prince Consort Rd, SW7. GoH Iain Banks. Contact 13 Lindfield Gdns, Hampstead, London, NW3 6PX (after 1 July). "Rumblings" CONADIAN's business meeting will consider a motion to pension off winners of 5 consecutive Hugos in one category with a Lifetime Award, followed by 5 years' ineligibility for that category. Sounds quite sensible -- throw out boring old farts like.... (H'mm. Counts surreptitiously on fingers.) INTERSECTION London pub meetings continue on 3rd Fri each month in the Wellington. EUROCON in Timisoara: Jonathan Cowie sent an enthusiastic report too voluminous to print. Even the guest list ran to 17 awesome names, from J.Brunner and J.Haldeman to J.Cowie. Everything was apparently a great success except some of the organization and all of the coffee: `Norman Spinrad declared he was going to introduce a Coffee Ceremony ("a la" Japanese Tea Ceremony) into the culture.' Highlight: a laser rock show with fireworks boggled the town. Despite euphoria JC felt he had to `express disgust at Western fans who refused to attend owing to the difference in Eastern and Western rates ... the latter represented a couple of hours of average UK pay but half a month's Eastern pay!' UK fans who stayed home through mere lack of money are informed that they `really missed out' on a `very worthy, and rewarding, venture'. Gee ... thanks, Jon. ### INFINITELY IMPROBABLE ### KNOW YOUR MARKET. The 1995 Arthur C.Clarke Award -- for best sf novel published in the UK this year -- has received its first submission! Yes, Serif have rushed in Steve Aylett's "The Crime Studio", a exciting collection of non-sf short stories.... ANDY PORTER'S LANGUAGE LESSONS. `"Omphalos" (Latin for Bellybutton) is to be a new quarterly SF book and magazine review publication....' ["SF Chronicle", May 94] PUBLIC SERVICE BITS. "Jack Cohen" was much cheered when invited to become a vice-president of the ever so venerable Linnean Society. [] "David Garnett" announces that "New Worlds 4" (the last in its present paperback incarnation -- boo, hiss) has stuff by Graham Charnock, Lisa Tuttle, Ian McDonald, Garry Kilworth, Barrington J.Bayley, Elizabeth Sourbut, Matthew Dickens, Peter F.Hamilton, Michael Moorcock, Robert Holdstock and D.Langford. [] "Simon Green" asks if anyone can recall a 60s children's book called "After Bath", `about the quest to recharge the magic in a magician's moustache?' [] "Chris Priest"'s new UK edition of "The Last Deadloss Visions" costs #5.50 (not #7.50 as in "A81") post free from him at 32 Elphinstone Rd, Hastings, TN34 2EQ. $10 by airmail. [] "Marcus Rowland" seeks weird but genuine scientific theories, 1890-1945, for his new "Forgotten Futures" game package "George E.Challenger's Mysterious World": suggestions, with dates, to 22 Westbourne Pk Villas, London, W2 5EA. [] "Ian Stewart" hopes to tap the massed erudition of "Ansible" readers for the locations of British (especially Scottish) airship facilities during World War I -- info to him at Maths Inst, U of Warwick, Coventry, CV4 7AL. [] Thog's Masterclass ... truly awful lines from published sf and fantasy are still being accumulated here for a possible Grant/Langford book(let) -- all contributions welcomed. C.O.A. "Bruce Gillespie", 59 Keele St, Collingwood, Vic 3066, Australia (not a move, just loss of faith in the PO box number). "Jack Herman & Cath McDonnell", Unit 10, 57-59 Illawarra Rd, Allawah, 2218, Australia. "Frank Key", 103 Cavendish Rd, Highams Pk, London, E4. "Malice Aforethought Press", Flat 2, 10 Netherwood Rd, London, W14 0EJ. "Tom Perry" (again!), PO Box 62134, Phoenix, AZ 85082, USA. "Erwin S. `Filthy Pierre' Strauss", 101 S.Whiting #700, Alexandria, VA 22304, USA. GUFF. The Get Up-&-over Fan Fund will waft an Aussie fan to The Scottish Convention in Glasgow next year: ballots are now circulating (available from me) and the choice of candidates is LynC, Ian Gunn & Karen Pender-Gunn (these two jointly), and Kim Huett. Only Kim has sent "Ansible" a vote-winning statement, about his enthusiasm for `being introduced to Greg Pickersgill for the first time. Better yet watching someone else being introduced to Greg Pickersgill for the first time, from a safe distance. I have come to the conclusion that either you exaggerate Greg's pronouncements beyond all belief or he is a Rasputin- like figure with long greasy hair and filthy shapeless clothing. [...] Are you telling everyone what a nice guy I am?' SAMHAINBALLS: the spiteful West Country newspaper campaign against John Gullidge and his horror review magazine "Samhain" (see "A80-81") seems to have died down. Paul Barnett's plans for a legal fund are thus suspended; his thanks to all who offered help. "A Prominent Member Of The UK Horror Community Sends Encouragement:" `I'm afraid John Gullidge has never considered himself one of the "horror community" (which is one of the reasons I will not support him or his magazine, as I feel he has brought a lot of these problems on himself).' FAME AT LAST. How to deter computer spies in 2050: `She [...] typed: "Whoever you are, be warned: I'm about to display the Langford Mind- Erasing Fractal Basilisk, so" ...' (Greg Egan, "Permutation City") SCIENCE CORNER. More literate than the Astral Leauge ... more scientific than the London Psychogeographical Society ... Joseph Nicholas offers a flyer from the "Association of Autonomous Astronauts" (`Write to us about our plans for an independent space exploration program'), which reveals that EVERYTHING WE KNOW IS WRONG. Spying on the Royal Society's March meeting, the AoAA was swift to note the insidious political agenda behind modern so-called mathematics: `The threat to the notion of the static universe, set in motion in the 20th Century by the discovery of the relativity of all knowledge, has caused the ruling class to hit back with its bullshit theory of chaos. [...] Chaos Theory, with all its talk of disorder in geometry and mathematical systems sensitive to initial conditions, is nothing more than another instrument of control in the hands of a ruling class attempting to strengthen their islands of order surrounded by a sea of chaos, in the vain hope of preserving their privileged existence.' Yes, yes, yes! But the people can hit back: `Much was made of the "curse of dimensionality"; that is, when these boffins attempt to map their mathematical models in higher dimensions than three the predictions become far more problematical. We will be exploring the possibilities for higher-dimensionality acts of subversion.' Just hurl a well-aimed tesseract into the machinery of capitalist government, and.... (Data: "The London Spy" from B.M.Jed, London, WC1N 3XX) Ansible 83 (c) Dave Langford, 1994. Thanks to Ken Brown, CIX, Jonathan Cowie, Abigail Frost, Jeanne Gomoll, Alex McLintock, Joseph Nicholas, David Pringle, SF Chronicle and Usenet. Special thanks to our hero distributors Vikki Lee France & Steve Jeffrey (SCIS), Alex Heatley (NZ), Janice Murray (USA), Alan Stewart (Oz), Martin Tudor (Brum Group News) and Bridget Wilkinson (FATW), to whom I Owe It All (Whatever It Is). 2 June 94 David Langford ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk ANSIBLE 84 JULY 1994 >From DAVE LANGFORD, 94 London Road, Reading, Berkshire, RG1 5AU. Fax 0734 669914. ISSN 0265-9816. E-mail ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk. Ansible is availablefor SAE or deep personal grovelling. [NET NOTE. The `real' ANSIBLE is printed and looks nicer (I hope), but this version contains all the words apart from the occasional artwork credit. It is possible to subscribe electronically to ANSIBLE by sending e-mail with the single word SUBSCRIBE to ansible-request@dcs.gla.ac.uk ... not, please, to me personally. ANSIBLE is Copyright (c) Dave Langford, 1994.] SELLING POINT. "Ansible" has `NO Nudity, Profanity, Overt Sex or Violence', a declaration which on David Garnett's advice I stole from "Offworld: The All-New Illustrated Magazine of SF and Fantasy" (USA). As Mr Garnett found himself thinking: `Hey! A magazine without nudity, profanity, sex, violence. Must buy it!' ### DOWN IN THE BLACK GANG ### ANON: `Are you going to the Orbit party for Iain Banks's "Stewpidde Tyettul"?' (The book is really called "Feersum Fonettiks".) JOHN CLUTE, fabled vocabulary master, `was recently casting his eye over an article submitted for the next Friends of Foundation Newsletter and was "quite definitely" heard to say: "What does this word mean?" "Dumbfounded Editor": "I'll look it up in my dictionary...."' [AS] ELLEN DATLOW is to be brutally censored, sort of: `You might want to let people know (or not) that "Little Deaths", my sexual horror antho scheduled for September by Millennium in hc, will be cut by about 70,000 words for the American version which will come out some time next year from Dell/Abyss in pb. Space considerations. I've bought the Mike Harrison story to reprint in "Omni" for November.' PATRICIA FANTHORPE, wife and agent of the almost-as-famous Lionel, announces his attempt on Guy N.Smith's alleged `world record for a 24- hour marathon write-in' of 16,000 words (sounds oddly low ... besides Lionel's own legendary stints, didn't Barry Malzberg write a 60,000 word novel in 16 hours?). Date: 4/5 Aug. Sponsors are sought; proceeds go to the Cardiff Samaritans. Contact PF at 48 Claude Rd, Cardiff, CF2 3QA. [CM] DAVID GARNETT `had a story in "SF Age" recently -- "Sherlock the Barbarian". There was NO nudity, profanity, overt sex or violence. Well, not much. But the word "shit" was changed to "dung".' (Context! We need context! If, for example, the resulting phrase was `"Oh, "dung"," she hissed sibilantly....') WILLIAM GIBSON flogged his latest novel "Idoru" for $850,000 ... the noise you hear is envious whimpering from SFFWA. ["SFC"] JOHN GULLIDGE of the horror filmzine "Samhain" has been effectively driven from home into rented accommodation by further newspaper hounding, notably from the unspeakable "Exeter Express & Echo": `I'm now convinced it's a personal thing with the "E&E" ... their story [25 Jun] carried the headline HORROR MAG MAN "MUST GO" while the "Western Morning News" ran the same story with the headline MAGAZINE EDITOR CAN STAY WITH PLAYGROUP! [] The "E&E" rang for a quote earlier in the week and I read out a three paragraph statement explaining a number of the errors that had appeared in their previous stories but they chose not to use it. The power of the press is a frightening thing and they have absolutely no regard for the damage they cause.' [JG] [] How to do journalism: (a) raise concerned doubts about innocent playgroup kids in the merciless hands of a horror (ugh!) fan; (b) if any parent falls for that and withdraws their child, this justifies a more alarmist story about the ground-swell against this wicked horrorphile; (c) it's now useful to publish an editorial ostensibly supporting your chosen target but full of inaccurate smears (`... John Gullidge has enthusiasms that many find distasteful. But not illegal. / Mr Gullidge's magazine caters for those who share his interest in films like "Driller Killer" or "I Spit On Your Grave".' -- "E&E", 30 Mar 94); (d) return to (b) and repeat the cycle until the object of your attentions leaves town; (e) look for someone else with a minority hobby.... [] JG is now scraping up funds for a stroppy solicitor's letter. Any stroppy yet generous solicitors out there? PATRICK NIELSEN HAYDEN had a tiny problem with the US AvoNova pb of Nancy Kress's "Beggars in Spain": `The ornate cover type reads like it says "Beggars In Spam". Of course, I speak as an employee of the company which, through the magic of Excessively Decorative Title Type, once managed to publish Greg Bear's blockbuster novel "The Forge Of Goo".' ANNE MCCAFFREY was accosted at the 2 July FP signing by a fan wanting to know when any Pern novel would offer some throbbing romance between "male" dragonriders. She: `I have a lot of younger readers and I must be careful what I write.' [AM] TERRY PRATCHETT reports, slightly bemused, from his tour Down Under: `In one shop I had a can of Fosters, I think it was, and chucked the can away. At the end of the signing I was shyly presented with the retrieved can by a blushing fan and asked to sign it ... so now perhaps you can see why my new address is "somewhere in Wiltshire".' CHRIS PRIEST heard from Gary Groth of Fantagraphics Books: `Hot news! They shipped copies of "The Book on the Edge of Forever" to a convention in Chicago [1-3 July] where Ellison was guest of honour. When the book was launched the convention organizer absolutely refused permission to display, sell or even give away copies. Ellison threatened to stick his finger into Kim Thompson's eye. (Kim is Gary's partner, and because Gary was not at the con had to bear the brunt of this alone.) [] Meanwhile, in spite of Ellison's attempts to suppress the book, it is now being distributed normally to bookstores and is selling quickly. [] At the same con, Ellison reported that delays on "The Last Dangerous Visions" were caused by Epstein Barr syndrome, but that after yet another miracle recovery he is about to finish and deliver the book.' (HE, foe of censors and champion of free speech, subsequently boasted that he'd litigated the distributors into submission and killed "TBotEoF": but GG insists that his two largest distributors are unintimidated.) ### CONJEE ### 8-10 Jul BACON (Unicon 15), New Hall Coll, Cambridge. GoH Geoff Ryman, Simon Ings. #16 reg. Contact 38 Scotland Road, Chesterton, Cambridge, CB4 1QG; (0223) 564483. 22-24 Jul DIMENSION JUMP ("Red Dwarf"), Angel Hotel, Northampton. #30 reg. Send `two stamps' to Garden Cottage, Hall Farm, Scottow, Norwich, NR10 5DF. 29-31 Jul WINCON III, King Alfred's Coll, Winchester. GoH: Algis Budrys, James Hogan, Norman Spinrad (a surprise appearance of Clarke award laureate Jeff Noon has also been scheduled). #23 reg. Contact 12 Crowsbury Close, Emsworth, Hants, PO10 7TS. No room bookings after 8 July. 19-21 Aug PORTMEIRICON 94 ("Prisoner"), Portmeirion, Gwynedd. Contact PO Box 66, Ipswich with SAE. 27-30 Oct WORLD FANTASY CON, Clarion Hotel, New Orleans. Many GoHs. $95 reg, rising on 1 Aug and again at the door. Contact Box 791302, New Orleans LA 70179-1302, USA. 29 Oct TRANSYLVANIA ("Rocky Horror"), Novotel, Hammersmith, London. #30 reg (plus 3xSAE) to Timewarp, 1 Elm Grove, Hildenborough, Tonbridge, Kent, TN11 9HE. 4-5 Mar 95 MICROCON 15, Exeter U, announces its GoH: Ramsey Campbell. Contact 17 Polsloe Rd, Exeter, EX1 2HL. "Rumblings" [] WORLDCON FUN. Avoiding 1987's problem of overseas fans getting hotel booking forms late if at all, The Scottish Convention will release the forms with PR4 at Conadian. Until then, a steely silence about hotel room rates is being maintained.... [] STEVE SNEYD, inspired by the 1995 Small Press & Poets' Con plans to wander by coach between its Huddersfield and Swansea venues with stopoffs for instant book fairs or readings, babbles: `Here is the answer to the Glasgow [fan room] aircraft hangar? A coachload of top sf glitterati wending its way slowly about the vast space, stopping suddenly to descend on whoever is stood near, in endless Brownian movement....' [] AUSTRALIA IN 1999 SPINOFF: if this bid wins, the USA will run its usual alternative NASFiC. In smoke-filled rooms at Westercon (1-4 Jul) the idea emerged: most Australia-US flights stop over in Hawaii, so a NASFiC there on the weekend after Aussiecon would be handy for US fans returning home. Bid flyers swiftly appeared, and a name: VOLCONO. "Puzzled Fan:" `Is this Hawaii bid for real or a joke?' "Bruce Pelz, Showing Why They Call Him The Oscar Wilde Of LA:" `Yes!' [KS] [] SOU'WESTER generously donated #250 to GUFF (see below). "A TAFF Administrator Wails:" `I worked my bum off on their newsletter and all I got was this lousy T-shirt!' ### INFINITELY IMPROBABLE ### NOT A LOT OF PEOPLE KNOW -- `The current Ambassador Extraordinary & Plenipotentiary of the Republic of Slovenia to the Court of St James is a former skiffy fan (Matjaz Sinkovec).... Maybe the BSFA should invite him to address them.' [IW] C.O.A. "Alyson L.Abramowitz", 999 Perriera Drive, Santa Clara, CA 95051, USA. "Harry Bond", 50 Mayer St, Hanley, Stoke on Trent, ST1 2JN. "Ken Lake", c/o 32 Coolgardie Ave, Chigwell, Essex, IG7 5AY. "Steven McDonald", 405 US Route 2, Grand Isle, VT 05458, USA. "Michael Moorcock (& Linda)", now said to be living in a suburb of Austin, Texas. "Jonathan Palfrey", c/o Mini Parc Alpes Congres, 6 Rue Roland Garros, 38320 Eybens, France. "Martin Smith", 4 Austin House, St Mark's Hill, Surbiton, Surrey, KT6 4LH. "Ian Watson", Daisy Cottage, Banbury Rd, Moreton Pinkney, nr Daventry, NN11 3QS (postcode change only). TREK CORNER. Aficionados of stage magic have long chortled over the 60s "Star Trek" episode `A Piece of the Action' wherein William Shatner tries the legendary Fizbin drop (a `secret' magician's move hard enough that grown men have broken their wrists trying to do it) and flops miserably. Reputedly this bit was cut from repeat broadcasts, though it's still in some videos. Now an anonymous spy reports: `Watch the new "Star Trek" movie "real" close. Shatner is going to try "the drop" again. I read in a magicians-only magazine that he vowed to his friends that it will be done with one take and included in the movie with no cuts. I guess he's still sore over the fiasco in the original series....' FAN FUNDS. TAFF nominations open 15 July, close 30 Sept (ballots out Oct, voting closes 29 April 95). This race will bring an American fan to The Scottish Convention. Impartial "Ansible" knows of three intending candidates -- nice Joe Wesson, the probably quite worthy Andy Hooper and the superlatively splendiferous god amongst men Dan Steffan. UK administrator Abigail Frost (95 Wilmot St, London, E2 0BP) wants candidates' nominations "in writing", and "signed", you hear? [] GUFF: Joseph Nicholas is officially looking after the kitty for Euro- administrator Eva Hauser, to avoid problems with soft Czech currency. (This will continue until after the next Europe-to-Australia race, `whenever that may be'.) Sterling voting fees and donations to him, please, at 15 Jansons Rd, S.Tottenham, London, N15 4JU. [JN] "Kim Huett writes:" `I hope you keep mentioning that I'm the only GUFF candidate that drinks beer in quantities understandable to English fandom.' [] DUFF was won by Alan Stewart (our hero Aussie distributor), who thus gets the coveted free trip from Down Under to Conadian this year. HAZEL'S LANGUAGE LESSONS: GAELIC. "brochanach", well supplied with porridge. "dobharchu", an imaginary otter. "rotach", a circle of filth on one's clothes. "paitireachd", phrenology, thumping. "sgiomlaireachd", mean habit of popping in upon people at mealtimes. "sgiunach", a charm or enchantment to enable its possessor to get all the fish around a boat or headland while his less fortunate neighbours stare with amazement. "sgriobhadaireachd", writing. "spairis", the conduct or attitude of having the hands in the flaps of the trousers. ("MacAlpine's Gaelic Dictionary", 1833) RIP. Jim Barker sadly reports the death of his mother, famed in fandom for colossal High Teas and short-notice hospitality to visiting Americans. (On a cheerier note, Jim gloats that a Barker cartoon character has become the new logo for Falkirk Town Centre. `You'll recognize it from the big feet....') A83 UPDATES. "Ellison vs NESFA". NESFA members confirmed that the Cordwainer Smith MS they published was legally acquired in its original, unedited version -- but they did regret a failure of tact in not telling Harlan Ellison, and flaunting the story's "Last Dangerous Visions" antecedents in publicity. [] "Liverpool MA in SF". Andy Sawyer protests that despite Steve Sneyd's gadfly claim, the course is open to people with degrees not merely in Literature but in `related subjects' ... though `it's obviously best at this stage not to go for people with third-class chemistry degrees who read a lot of Warhammer books.' TEN YEARS AGO: Gordon Dickson was the acclaimed winner of the Folio Society's `Worst First Sentence' contest, for the opening of his skiffy epic "Naked to the Stars". `The voice, speaking out of the ancient blackness of the night on the third planet of Arcturus -- under an alien tree, bent and crippled by the remorseless wind -- paused, and cleared its throat: "Ahem", it said. "Gentlemen...."' ### WORLD OF WONDERS ### "Maureen Speller" was at the Fortean thrash, UNCONVENTION94: `... a curious affair. Almost but not quite like an sf con. Seriously intensive on programme, in a sweltering hot hall, often standing room only, it was a good effort for a first time but lacked certain things I've come to expect from sf conventions. Few speakers took questions from the audience, so there was little hope of discussing theories or challenging their ideas. Little socializing, partly because it was definitely a daytime event, partly because the halls were too big for meaningful contact. People seemed to have arrived in groups, in which they stayed. It would have been very lonely had I gone on my own. [] Still, it was enjoyable. The American UFO abduction specialist turned out to be David Jacobs, the mystery member of the group so far as I'm concerned. He was a personable academic, spoke well and all that, but vacillated curiously between presenting himself as an objective commentator and talking enthusiastically about "well, we know more or less what they're doing at this point in the abduction" and so on, with a degree of credulity I found alarming. Jenny Randles's lecture contradicted him nicely on several points. Unfortunately I missed the first 20 mins as (after 2 1/2 hours in a sweltering hall) I wanted a drink desperately. The programming was rigorous -- blink and you missed something vital. [] Other highlights included Doc Shiels, though maybe "highlight" is not the word. Imagine an Irish version of Gamma. He was drunk on a panel on Saturday, and gave a presentation on Sunday morning which was more or less incoherent, not merely because he dropped the slide carousel before starting. There was a sighting of Jeremy Beadle (yes, really, and no I didn't strangle him, can't think why) and another of Robert Rankin.' [MS] "Jenny Randles", famous ufologist, had a further close encounter with our wonderful Press. "Paul Barnett" reports: `Some source within the ufology world shopped to the "News of the World" the colossal secret (as never before revealed, because we couldn't get a publisher interested in her book on the experience) that she started life as a Christopher but had a sex-change. The reptile concerned told her that either the story would be run without her consent, or she could agree to be interviewed and get a fistful of money plus full rights to vet the copy. Would I negotiate the deal for her? Turns out that, with pressure, the "NotW" will cough up #1500 for an inside-page story like this -- not bad for two hours' work by Jenny letting herself be interviewed. Freephone 0800 010- 373 ext 4471 (that nice Mr Murdoch foots the phone bill) and ask for Alex Marunchak if you'd like to try to get a similar sum for your horrific secret, or just have a chat. [] When I stop giggling I'll probably get very angry. Still, it was funny hearing those seedy wankers fall over themselves to press money on this hard-hitting salesman who was telling them punchy things like "Everybody already knows this, but if you insist on running it anyway you can increase your offer by 50%."' "Later:" `Those lovable guys at the "Screws" headlined the piece on Jenny I HAD UFO -- OLED!, which is upsetting her more than somewhat since it implies that she's somehow been mounting a pretence. Also, they altered the agreed text so that it reads as if "she" came to "them" to sell her story -- publicity-seeking, in other words.' [PB] (Is the entire British gutter press conspiring to make "Ansible" seem relatively accurate and respectable?) Ansible 84 Copyright (c) Dave Langford, 1994. Thanks to Paul Barnett, John Clute, Abigail Frost, David Garnett, John Gullidge, John Harvey, Hazel, Alex McLintock, Caroline Mullan, Joseph Nicholas, Chris Priest, SF Chronicle, Dick & Leah Smith, Steve Sneyd, Maureen Speller, Kevin Standlee, Usenet, Ian Watson, and our Hero Distributors (including ambitious Janice Murray, whose empire now covers not just the US but all North America). One of the conventions of ANSIBLE that does not translate to plain text for the net is that "The Scottish" Convention is invariably printed in heavy, black-letter "Gothic" type. Please imagine it this.... 7 July 94 David Langford ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk ANSIBLE 85 AUGUST 1994 >From DAVE LANGFORD, 94 London Road, Reading, Berkshire, RG1 5AU, England. Fax 0734 669914. ISSN 0265-9816. E-mail ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk. "Ansible" is available for "stamped" addressed envelopes. [NET NOTE. The `real' ANSIBLE is printed and looks nicer (I hope), but this version contains all the words apart from the occasional artwork credit. It is possible to subscribe electronically to ANSIBLE by sending e-mail with the single word SUBSCRIBE to ansible-request@dcs.gla.ac.uk ... not, please, to me personally. All Copyright (c) Dave Langford, 1994] WINCON III (29-31 Jul, Winchester) was Jolly Good, though ALGIS BUDRYS couldn't be a guest: on 25 July he learned that despite his early application for a US re-entry permit (as required by non-nationals), the State Department found itself strangely unable to issue one until just too late. Protests went to the US Embassy, which may also have been punitively added to the Writers of the Future mailing list. [] GoH NORMAN SPINRAD tactfully pictured sf as a black hole surrounded by this accretion disc of terrible things like `Trekkies, Scientologists and costume fans', all emitting life-destroying radiations as they orbit the central core.... [] Years of SCI-FI FREAKS BEAM IN headlines induced Wincon to introduce a special and wildly popular Press membership rate of #30; real people paid #25. [] JACK COHEN's enthusiastic account of animal sperm collection techniques was heard with riveted attention in a McDonald's full of people drinking thick milk-shakes. [] THE HORROR! THE HORROR! A film stream featured the `gory home movie' "Crysis" (made on a colossal #250 budget for the 1993 Film Extremes festival; director Steve Ellis was present for discussion) ... leading to alarums when one Matthew Petty (`oh, how appropriate a surname' -- Steve Green) grew over- excited at spectacles of sex and death, stalking out with cries of `Jesus Christ!' and threatening to call the police about what he eventually declared was a `simulated snuff movie' -- probably very nearly as wicked as a real one. The con committee studied his later phone-directory researches with alarm and listened at vast length to his complaints, but declined to promise in writing never to show such material ever again. Inspector Knacker failed to materialize; Mr Petty's departure was discreetly cheered and his name, we suspect, entered on a little Wincon list.... [via SG] [] JACK BARRON of "Bug Jack Barron" fame was revealed in a new critical analysis (Terry Hunt, Wincon "PR4") to be black -- slightly boggling both his creator and the lovely Lee Wood, who has to get a mention somewhere. [] MARTIN HOARE predictably held the booziest party (in aid of the 1998 Boston worldcon bid, which duly sold many memberships); he'd taken a van to Ostend just beforehand to stock up with uncountable quantities of duty-free beer and fizzy plonk. I recommend this bidding strategy, which helped me enjoy synchronized falling-over with the remaining GoH JAMES P.HOGAN. [] Whither Wincon? Stay tuned.... ### MINIONS OF THE MOON ### DAMIEN BRODERICK bewailed his plight at an Aussie book launch: `I've been known for years as the second-most famous Australian sf writer, after George Turner; then he gets put out of action for a year with a stroke, and Greg Egan comes along!' JOHN BRUNNER quietly brags (see "A84"): `I don't know about Barry Malzberg, but while writing "Black is the Colour" I produced 18,000 words between getting up and going to bed. The 71,000-word novel took one week, one day and one and a half hours start to finish -- and I took Wednesday off for talks with my agent.' [] Unlucky JB recently lost three months of creative time to the beta-blocker drug Inderal (taken in fear of a possible stroke) -- but was able to finish a formerly beta-blocked article within days of quitting. The article happened to be about how sf drugs work as intended, while real-world ones don't.... JOHN CLUTE received the SF Research Association's 1994 Pilgrim Award for Distinguished Contributions to the Study of SF, on 10 July: `Whooee, I think. I'm really extraordinarily pleased.' BRUCE GILLESPIE reproves me: `I still resent that the only 1993-4 sf awards of any sort that you did not run in "Ansible" were the Ditmars. My inglorious moment stolen from me! (An inglorious moment, because even I agree that Terry Frost should have won Best Fan Writer; but the published figures show that I won convincingly, so there.)' GRAHAM JOYCE's new "Critical Wave" column (issue #36 just going out, says plug-hungry Steve Green) claims thrilling new British Fantasy Award edicts: `1: No voting for anyone who won last year. 2: No voting for any magazine which published any of your stories. 3: No voting for anything the committee doesn't want to see win, particularly anything coming out of the East Midlands.' All this `to avoid the kind of lack of controversy which dogged last year's awards'.... ["CW"] CHARLES PLATT will guest-edit (and design) an "Interzone": `the April 1995 issue, which is significant for me in two ways: it will be twenty-five years after I terminated my full-time editorial and production work on New Worlds, and it's the month of my fiftieth birthday.' Theme: `the human impact of science and technology in the next twenty years. There are no taboos, and writers should feel free to pursue their strangest ideas.' CP, 1133 Broadway (Room 1214), New York, NY 10010, USA. PHILIP G.WILLIAMSON riposted crushingly to an insensitive reviewer (oh all right, me) who asserted in "The Guardian" that his "Heart of Shadows" was standard fantasy fare: `I may well don the outer garments of generic fantasy but my underwear is full of surprises, and I feel you simply didn't bother to look.' A noble phrase which surely deserves to sell a few copies. ### CONIROSTER ### 19 Aug THE SCOTTISH CONVENTION open pub meeting: Wellington, Waterloo Rd. All evening. Play `Guess the Hotel Prices'! 19-21 Aug PORTMEIRICON 94 ("Prisoner"), Portmeirion, Gwynedd. Contact PO Box 66, Ipswich with SAE. 26-9 Aug ARCHON ("Trek"), Edwardian Int'l Hotel, Heathrow. Contact 43 Eastern Ave, Polegate, E.Sussex, BN26 6HG. 1-5 Sep CONADIAN (52nd Worldcon), Winnipeg, Canada. Perhaps a bit late to sign up on impulse now.... 3 Sep SUMMER SF EVENT (co-hosts: BSFA and Friends of Foundation), Florence Nightingale pub, Lambeth Palace Rd -- to be confirmed. 3pm-late. Free. Contact 0303 252939. 3-4 Sep IRECON 4, Royal Hotel, Bray, Co.Wicklow. #18 reg. Contact (010) 353 18327491. 28-30 Oct WHO'S SEVEN ("Dr Blake"), Queens Hotel, Church Road, SE19. #35 reg, #30 if you book a hotel room. Contact 131 Norman Road, Leytonstone, London, E11 4RJ. 5-6 Nov ARMADACON VI, Astor Hotel, Elliott St, The Hoe, Plymouth. GoH Mary Gentle and others. #20 reg + 3 A5 SAEs. Contact 4 Gleneagle Ave, Mannamead, Plymouth, PL1 2PS. 17-19 Mar 95 TREK DWARF 3, Holiday Inn, Leicester. #30 reg. Contact 47 Marsham, Orton Goldhay, Peterborough. 26-9 May 95 MASQUE IV (costuming), Russell Hotel, Boxley Rd, Maidstone, Kent. #25 reg `until Dec 94'. Don strange garb and contact 20 Westhall St, Brighton, BN1 3RR. "Rumblings" [] EVOLUTION (Eastercon 1996), `regrets to announce that negotiations with the Brighton Metropole have been unsuccessful. The management are not interested in proceeding to a contractual agreement with us. Their primary reason appears to be that they have unpleasant corporate memories of Conspiracy, the 1987 Worldcon held there and in the Brighton Centre. It is interesting how similar their memories of the event are to general fannish memories. This is unfortunate.... The Metropole is a very suitable site, but as the management don't wish to work with us we must now find an alternative. We are considering various options in the Brighton area, and also sites in other parts of the country. If we do leave the Brighton area, we will offer membership refunds to anyone who joined before this date and doesn't want to attend an Eastercon held elsewhere. We hope to announce our new site in the autumn.... Finally, we would like to make it clear that we have no disagreement with the Brighton Metropole. The management have been very open with us and we appreciate their telling us immediately they decide they did not want our business.' [PMcM] "(Slightly cut -- DRL)" [] 1995's Swansea-based UK YEAR OF LITERATURE thrash has retained Lionel Fanthorpe as consultant for its sf/fantasy section in early Dec 95. Expect plugs for his Best Badger Books Bits anthology, now scheduled as "Out of the Badger Hole" (Portland, OR, 1995) with an intro by the great man himself. [] SOU'WESTER -- "A TAFF Administrator Grovels!" This kindly convention donated #250 to TAFF once they'd traced its shy, elusive UK administrator. [AJF] ### INFINITELY IMPROBABLE ### WHO? A writer whom glossy flyers describe as of `extraordinary breadth and variety', whose hot new bibliography `brings into new and sharply studied focus his extraordinary place in the literature of our time' for `students, teachers and scholars alike', while a volume-every-month `Classic Fiction Series' of 100+ reprints (`a master ... these timeless stories ...') is spewing forth, with introductions that breathlessly reveal just `what he was doing at the time he wrote the story'.... Barely controlling my spasms, I record that the author is L.Ron Hubbard. [DVB] V.O.E. R.I.P? `Victims of Ellison' has been laid to rest, says "Charles Platt": `Moved (somewhat) by Mr Ellison's claims that the VoE support group took six months out of his working life and reduced his wife to tears (supposedly, she sat on the end of his bed sobbing "Why won't they leave us alone?") I decided to suspend operations and returned the many cheques received from eager subscribers. I hadn't expected that my little exercise in self defence would generate such traumatic repercussions. I have accumulated a two-inch-thick file of testimonials, allegations, and complaints by various victims, as well as a large mailing list of interested parties, and it would take very little trouble to resurrect VoE if this should ever seem necessary.' C.O.A. "BSFA Matrix", 104 Debden, Gloucester Rd, Tottenham, London, N17 6LN. "Alex McLintock", 14 Lynton Avenue, St Albans, Herts, AL1 5PD. "Nigel E.Richardson", 35 Cricketers Way, Kirkstall Lane, Leeds, LS5 3RJ. "Peter & Eileen Weston", `Four Winds', 2 Halloughton Rd, Sutton Coldfield, W.Midlands, B74 2QG. [] "A84 corrections:" Ian Watson's postcode is really NN11 3SQ (mea culpa here) and Bloody Martin Smith's is KT6 4LU. HYPERBOLLOCKS. The Fantasy & SF Book Club claims the "SF Encyclopedia" (offered at #30) is `almost as big as the universe itself!' ... containing in fact `OVER ONE MILLION PAGES'. On a similar heroic scale, "SF Chronicle" insists that one net fanzine listing calls me a `500-times Hugo award-winning fan author....' LOCUS AWARDS (God, the things we print to fill space and annoy Gillespie) ... COLLECTION "Impossible Things", Connie Willis. ART BOOK "The Art of Michael Whelan". SHORT `Close Encounters', Connie Willis ("Asimov's" 9/93). NOVELETTE `Death in Bangkok', Dan Simmons ("Playboy" 6/93). NOVELLA `Mefisto in Onyx', Harlan Ellison ("Omni" 10/93). 1ST NOVEL "Cold Allies", Patricia Anthony. HORROR NOVEL "The Golden", Lucius Shepard. FANTASY NOVEL "The Innkeeper's Song", Peter S.Beagle. SF NOVEL "Green Mars", Kim Stanley Robinson. Special award: the "SF Encyclopaedia". PUBLISHING HORRORS. Bertlesmann AG, the German owners of Bantam Doubleday Dell (USA), have seemingly raised a stink with a cost-cutting policy leading to the breaking of written and verbal agreements. After being much messed around, "Norman Spinrad" (for it is he) came up with the kamikaze gambit of threatening to frighten off US distributors by warning that they could be legally involved should he sue BDD for publishing his new novel "Pictures at 11" in a way that violated the agreement. BDD capitulated. [] After a July sale to "Asimov's" -- owned by BDD -- "David Redd" complains that their story contract now comes with a five-clause rider grabbing performance rights (`for which you shall receive a sum to be negotiated and agreed upon by us'); electronic rights; game, calendar, toy and T-shirt rights in all one's characters.... [] Spies tell "Chris Priest" that in defiance of an agreement allowing UK sales only on an individual, mail-order basis, Fantagraphics (not owned by BDD) are supplying "The Book on the Edge of Forever" in bulk to such UK outlets as Forbidden Planet. "Priest:" `Blind eye time, I think.' BRAM STOKER AWARDS included: NOVEL "The Throat", Peter Straub. COLLECTION "Alone with the Horrors", Ramsey Campbell. NON-FICTION "Once Around the Bloch", Robert Bloch. ["SFC"] RANDOM FANDOM." ""Dave Hodson"'s dynamic, new-broom editorship of the BSFA newsletter "Matrix" led to, er, no "Matrix" in the current mailing.... [] "Steve Sneyd", skiffy poet, was burgled in July: losses were minimal, but he grew interested when the investigating cop `said very accusingly ""You were typing when I arrived."" Suddenly wondered if this had been made an offence in the new Criminal Justice Bill, or if it's just on the police list of activities that harbinger general badhattedness.' [] "Tim Stannard" won recent media fame ("Birmingham Evening Mail", "Daily Star", Central TV news), not for contributions to Brummie and business meeting fandom but for owning 500,000 beermats. MY LIVING HELL AS BEER MAT WIDOW, REVEALS WIFE DOREEN.... [CS] FANFUNDERY. TAFF: Andy Hooper is said to have dropped out, leaving DAN STEFFAN contending with Joe Wesson for the 1995 trip to THE SCOTTISH CONVENTION. Nominations close 30 Sept. [] GUFF: Joseph Nicholas was first to spot the early ballots' wrong address for Euro-administrator Eva Hauser (who's in the Czech and "not" the Slovak republic). Guilty party Roman Orszanski blames Aussie reference sources.... VITAL EURO PUBLIC SERVICE BIT: don't send GUFF money to Eva, but to Joseph at 15 Jansons Rd, South Tottenham, London, N15 4JU, UK ... and "please" don't reproduce the early ballot which omits this now-official address for European donations. [] The usual letter from GUFF candidate Kim Huett begins `Langford you manipulating bag of protoplasm,' and has been hastily mislaid. HAZEL'S LANGUAGE LESSONS: Pure English. From a bygone crusade to `remove any whiff of olive oil and garlic from the language', some Pure equivalents: "active" doingsome. "ambiguous" twysided. "bibulous" soaksome. "botany" wortlore. "depilatory" hairbane. "forceps" nipperlings. "genuflection" kneebowing (`A genuflection is any kneebowing, but all kneebowing is not kneeling, which is kneegrounding'). "irrelevance" unbyholdingness. "meteor" welkinfire. "parenthesis" an inwedging of a sentence within another. "plagiarist" thoughtpilferer. "rhetoric" redespeech. "sentence" a one thoughtwording. "syntax" speechtrimming. [LS] "BEYOND" is to be a new UK sf/fantasy magazine (A4, 60+pp) appearing bimonthly from March 1995. David Riley, 130 Union Rd, Oswaldtwistle, Lancs, BB5 3DR. [] Another is the non-paying "Substance", whose guidelines somehow suggest a preference for very short stories: `Manuscripts should be double-spaced, on a single side of A4 paper.' Paul Beardsley, 16 Blenheim Gdns, Denvilles, Havant, PO9 2PN. Thog's Masterclass. A new evocation of nipples: `hard, sticking up as if they were trying to listen' (`Riptide', Peter Benson). `For that elusive "Spung" sound no doubt,' muses Dave Wood.... 15 YEARS AGO. At the first Brighton worldcon in August 1979, the sf world was totally unamazed by "Ansible 1" and its incautious claim that `future issues will contain news'. Ansible 85, Copyright (c) Dave Langford, 1994. Thanks to Mike Allum, John Bark, Paul Barnett, David V.Barrett, John Clute, Critical Wave, Cuddles, Ellen Datlow, Stefan Dziemianowicz, Abigail Frost, Steve Green, Pat McMurray, Necronomicon Press, Joseph Nicholas (Ace Researcher), Chris Priest, Roger Robinson (Friend to Authors, Foe to Banks), SF Chronicle, Cyril Simsa, Chris Suslowicz, Lucy Sussex, Dave Wood, Lee Wood and our Hero Distributors: Janice Murray (NA), SCIS, Alan Stewart (Oz), Martin Tudor and Bridget Wilkinson. 4 Aug 94 David Langford ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk ANSIBLE 86 SEPTEMBER 1994 >From DAVE LANGFORD, 94 London Road, Reading, Berkshire, RG1 5AU, England. Fax 0734 669914. ISSN 0265-9816. E-mail ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk. "Ansible" may be available, or not, depending. [NET NOTE. This electronic ANSIBLE contains the same text as the more or less simultaneous printed version, except for the occasional artwork credit. It is possible to subscribe electronically to ANSIBLE by sending e-mail with the single word SUBSCRIBE to ansible-request@dcs.gla.ac.uk ... not, please, to me personally. Copyright (c) David Langford, 1994. DRL] NOT TO BE SNIFFED AT. Whenever "Ansible" wishes to run a story about good taste in book dealing, we turn reverently to the catalogue of Barry R.Levin in California -- whose Fall '94 edition was forwarded by scores of readers. Imagine, if you will, `THE MOST HORRIFYING COPY OF ANY VAMPIRE NOVEL' ... Poppy Z.Brite's "Drawing Blood", which, thanks to the helpful chap who committed suicide by setting himself on fire with a Molotov cocktail right next to a mailbox containing copies of the book's limited edition, can now be offered in the rare state `Odor of burning human flesh otherwise fine in slipcase'. Only $600.00! Though filled with a strange inability to comment, one does wonder about marketing the Barry R.Levin Horror Novel Price Enhancement Kit, comprising a jar of petrol and a pork chop. ### THE NIGHT LIFE OF THE GODS ### POPPY Z.BRITE muses, `It would be a wonderful experience to read the book cover-to-cover with the odor of burned human flesh rising from it. I'm a pretty fast reader, so the smell wouldn't have time to dissipate.' [MMW/"Washington Post"] JOHN CLUTE `just opened a book -- "Mutant Chronicles: The Apostle of Insanity Trilogy: Frenzy" (1994) by John-Allen Price -- and found the following dedication: "For my mother, Norabelle Ann Price (1922-1992) / She lived long enough to see me get this sale, but would probably spin in her grave if she knew I dedicated something like this to her. / What's that sound I hear?" Which, somehow, takes about as many cakes for awfulness as there are words in the dedication....' PETER CUSHING's death at the age of 81 (b.1913, d.11 Aug 94) was widely reported. Despite his Hammer Films fame, the obituaries noted that only 13 of his 100+ movies were horror. I remember his Sherlock Holmes with special fondness. HARLAN ELLISON's latest reported GoH performance (4/94) sounds far more genial than those last year, with some harrowing earthquake stories. No taping was allowed, but pencils were smuggled in. His feelings on computer nets: `Like asking a survivor of Dachau how you feel about ovens!' On Mensa: `A vast group of defectives who don't get laid regularly.' On, possibly, sexual harassment: `I can't get my dick up for my own wife!' (Some context slippage is suspected there.) [TW/"Fosfax"] LIONEL FANTHORPE, as expected, clobbered Guy N.Smith's March `world record' for bashing out words in 24 hours. `I'm the new world Champion with a total of 22,871 words against Guy's previous record of 16,000. I'd have done a lot more if the computer hadn't crashed four times ... I think that cost me at least three hours' production time during which I should have done another 4-5,000.' Besides raising money from sponsorship (#1,500 for the Samaritans) all this is aimed at the "Guinness Book of Records" -- which apparently doesn't acknowledge older, mightier feats of speed-writing performed by Messrs Hubbard, Malzberg and RLF himself, owing to the lack of witnesses. DAVID GARNETT, editor without portfolio, sends a "Times" bit reporting that `Two writers have won #109 compensation from the Arts Council for Wales after proving that a manuscript they submitted for a grant had been largely unread before being rejected. Alan Wilson and Alan Black told a small claims court that pages glued together had remained unopened.' [13/8/94] Mr Garnett adds, `What a scandal! I know that every sf editor is as conscientious as myself: reading every wonderful page, relishing every fantastic paragraph, enjoying every amazing sentence, luxuriating in the brilliant eloquence of each and every well-chosen word ... before regretfully declining yet another literary masterpiece because it does not meet with our current restrictive, unimaginative -- add what you want -- requirements.' CHRIS PRIEST notes that his contract with Fantagraphics has been retrospectively amended to allow legal distribution of their edition of "The Book on the Edge of Forever" in the UK. (The former `illicit' UK distribution through Titan resulted from that great publishing tradition, a cock-up ... whose coverage in "A85" reportedly led to a great deal of US computer-net gloating by unfriends of Fantagraphics Books boss Gary Groth. Oops.) KEITH ROBERTS is now resident at Farley Ward, Salisbury District Hospital, Salisbury, and does not expect ever to return to his Salisbury flat address -- though mail sent there will be dealt with. Both his legs have now been amputated in the wake of the MS first diagnosed in 1990 (see "A78"), while accompanying visual problems make it increasingly hard for him to read. Letters from well-wishers would probably be appreciated. [IW] JANE YOLEN, celebrated tool of Satan, continues to wallow in her manifold villainies: `I received a phone call from a friend, a professor of education who runs a children's literature conference every year. "Do you remember what you were wearing at the conference when you spoke two years ago?" "Jesus, I don't remember what I was wearing yesterday." "Well, do you ever wear black?" "I have a black pants suit. Oh yes, and a long black skirt and overblouse with white decorations of sun, moon, stars, astrolabes, scientific formulae etc...." "That's it." "That's what?" "We were urging our students to come to this year's conference. One raised her hand and said she'd never attend another of our conferences [because] two years ago one of the speakers had been a witch. I told her we only had children's authors and illustrators speak. She insisted one was a witch because she wore a witch outfit and occult jewellery." "Flunk her," I said. "You don't want her teaching children ... oh, never mind. I will turn her into a newt."' ### CONYZA ### 1-5 Sep CONADIAN (52nd Worldcon), Winnipeg, Canada, begins as we go to press. So no Hugo results until October.... 3 Sep SUMMER SF EVENT (co-hosts: BSFA and Friends of Foundation), JUBILEE PUB, York Rd, London -- "NB last-minute change of venue". `As with all things organized by Maureen and/or me concerning the BSFA, there's been a problem with the [former] pub....' [MP] GoH Stephen Baxter, John Clute, David Pringle. 3pm to late. Free. Contact 0303 252939. 23-5 Sep PANOPTICON ("Dr Who"), Hotel Leofric, Coventry. Contact PO Box 357, London, SW19 8BT. 30 Sep - 2 Oct FANTASYCON XIX, Midland Hotel, Brum. GoH Katherine Kurtz, Brian Lumley. #30 reg (BFS #25). Contact 137 Priory Rd, Hall Green, Birmingham, B28 0TG. 1-2 Oct OCTOCON 94, Royal Marine Hotel, Dun Laoghaire, Co.Dublin. GoH Rob Holdstock. Now #20 reg at door. Contact 20 Newgrove Ave, Sandymount, Dublin 4, Ireland. 7-9 Oct MIDCON ("Trek"), Holiday Inn, Leicester. Contact 9 Ennerdale Cl, Oadby, Leicester, LE2 4TH. 10 Oct BRIAN ALDISS self-promotes: `Thrilling news! The classical SF BLUES revue will be performed at the CHELTENHAM LITERARY FESTIVAL. 7:30pm at the Playhouse. All old sketches & jokes -- starring KEN CAMPBELL & ME!!!!' 15-16 Oct THE SCOTTISH CONVENTION Staff (`plus Interested Others') Weekend, Victoria Hotel Periquito, Wolverhampton. 21-4 Oct ALBACON 94, Central Hotel, Glasgow. GoH Robert Asprin, Fangorn, Douglas Hill. #30 reg to 15 Oct, #35 at door. 10 Atlas Rd, Springburn, Glasgow, G21 4TE. 18 Mar 95 STAR WINDS (mini sf event), Queens Hotel, Southsea, sponsored by Portsmouth Festival. Mid-day to `late'. GoH Harry Harrison, Ian Watson, others TBA ... oops, STOP PRESS: `The curse of Wincon strikes early. Harry Harrison has declined to appear on the same platform as Ian Watson and has withdrawn from the event.' [MC] #7.50 reg, #10 at door. Contact 38 Outram Rd, Southsea, Portsmouth, Hants, PO5 1QZ. 24-8 Aug 95 THE SCOTTISH CONVENTION (53rd Worldcon, Eurocon), Glasgow. GoHs Samuel R.Delany, Gerry Anderson. #60 reg -- be quick, it rises to #80 ($125) on 1 Oct. Contact Admail 336, Glasgow, G2 1BR. "A Chairman Writes:" `Bad news: hotel booking forms are unlikely to be out for Conadian. Good news: the previous horrendous rates we were offered are coming down significantly thanks to the efforts of Mark and Ian Sorensen. Ian has requested more time to negotiate as he thinks he can get more from them.... Briefly, hotel info will be later [than first planned] but the prices will be better.' [ME] "Rumblings" [] EVOLUTION (Eastercon 96): the rumour behind the loss of this con's hotel is that the newish Brighton Metropole management asked a former incumbent what Conspiracy '87 had been like. Fandom's character reference -- leading directly to the refusal of a contract -- thus supposedly came from the bane of that Worldcon, revered in sf legend as the most obnoxious hotel manager in Britain, Mr Fred `We don't like the way you people dress' Hutchings. Cue another round of hotel manager jokes, please.... [] "Chris Priest:" `I seem to have become a GoH at CONFUSION in Belgium, 8-9 Apr 94. Leigh will be there with me (also the kids). Address: Peter Motte, Abdijstraat 33, B-9500 Geraardsbergen, Belgium.' "Panic-Stricken Ansible Editor:" `Ssh! Stop! I don't have room to list Continental cons; there are too many.' ### INFINITELY IMPROBABLE ### PUBLISHING FOLLIES. Yet another tale of a bright new graduate who (like "Omni"'s latest assistant editor) came straight from university into publishing. This was at Pavilion Books, who do occasional half-price offers on their titles. The new recruit was assigned to write letters notifying authors of the discounting, and thus: `Dear Mr Grahame, We thought you would like to know that your title "The Wind in the Willows"....' A similar missive went to a Mr C.Dickens. C.O.A. "Tommy Ferguson", 42 Ava Drive, Belfast, BT7 3DW. "Jo Fletcher", Howdale Farm, Fylingdales, Robin Hood's Bay, N.Yorks, YO22 4QL. "Barry R.Levin SF & Fantasy", 2265 Westwood Blvd #669, Los Angeles, CA 90064, USA. "Kim Newman", Flat 5, 277 Upper St, London, N1 2TZ. "Keith Roberts", see above. RANDOM FANDOM. "Maddie Gaiman" is (as of 01:00 28 Aug) a new collaboration from Mary & Neil Gaiman. [RK] [] "Les Pugh" has studied his market: `I was wondering if "Ansible" would be interested in publishing any of the SF/Fantasy stories that I have written, I have had work published in "Drone Film and TV Model Club Newsletter" (issue 12)....' [] "Maureen Speller" is wrestling with the mysteries of the BSFA membership records, arcanely encrypted by computer maestro Keith Freeman: `I personally find it deeply embarrassing that I can't even tell people how many members we've got....' [] "Kerri Valkova & Ian Gunn" are producing the 1995 Australian Fannish Diary at colossal expense -- but to you $A16, or $A20 with carriage; PO Box 567, Blackburn, Vic 3130, Australia. WORLD FANTASY AWARDS. Nominations include ... NOVEL Peter S.Beagle, "The Innkeeper's Song"; Poppy Z.Brite, "Drawing Blood"; Kathe Koja, "Skin"; Lewis Shiner, "Glimpses"; Peter Straub, "The Throat"; Michael Swanwick, "The Iron Dragon's Daughter"; Judith Tarr, "Lord of the Two Lands". COLLECTION Ramsey Campbell, "Alone with the Horrors"; John Crowley, "Antiquities"; Charles de Lint, "Dreams Underfoot"; Neil Gaiman, "Angels and Visitations"; Garry Kilworth, "Hogfoot Right and Bird-Hands"; Terry Lamsley, "Under the Crust"; Darrell Schweitzer, "Transients and Other Disquieting Stories". [] WFC Special Award nominees close to UK hearts are John Clute (professional reviewing) and Brian Stableford (`non-professional' small press reviews). TV REVIEW. Square-eyed Paul McAuley writes: `Seen in the "Grauniad"'s TV listings: A.A.Gill of the Sunday Times reviews a clutch of special interest publications, including "Interzone".... In the event, the programme consisted of Gill sneering at a bunch of hobbyist mags such as "Practical Wargamer", "Angler's Mail" and "Model Magazine" -- featuring cyberpunk 1:6 scale resin figure Iria, "part human, part machine but all woman staring at me with eyes that wouldn't take `no' for an answer...." Eat your heart out, Bill Gibson.' FAN FUND FUNNIES. TAFF shock announcement from Rob Hansen: `My TAFF report is actually all written now and I'm currently tidying it up. And only ten years after my trip!' His proud spouse Avedon Carol told "Ansible": `I refuse to feel guilty about not having finished "my" TAFF report, you guilt-tripping bar steward.' "Last warning:" 1995 trip nominations close 30 Sept. [] GUFF co-candidate Ian `Mr Fanart' Gunn retorts: `Are you telling everyone that Karen and I are damn fine GUFF candidates, too, and you would've nominated us if Kim Huett hadn't got to you first? Sure Kim's a beer drinker -- that just makes him more pricy to buy a round for than us.' [] DUFF. Our NA agent Janice Murray has taken it upon herself to provide "The Book on the Edge of Forever" by mail for $10 post free anywhere in North America, with half the proceeds going to DUFF. PO Box 75684, Seattle, WA 98125-0684, USA; phone 206 524- 1206; CompuServe 73227,2641. "THE ZONE" is `the last word in sf magazines', it says here: now if it were called "The Zymurgy".... A4, 40pp, #2, cheques to Tony Lee. `Token payments' for longer stories/articles only. Contact 13 Hazely Combe, Arreton, I.O.W., PO30 3AJ. BARNETT'S LANGUAGE LESSONS. `Hazel might like to know that the Thai for "fried rice" is "kow pat". Confusingly, though, "fried rice with pork" is "kow pat mu".' [PB] ARTHUR C.CLARKE AWARD. Submitted so far: GOLLANCZ Ian McDonald, "Necroville". HARPERCOLLINS Pat Cadigan, "Fools"; Simon Ings, "City of the Iron Fish"; Michael Marshall Smith, "Only Forward". HEADLINE Storm Constantine, "Calenture"; Mike McQuay, "State of Siege"; Melanie Tem, "Revenant". HODDER & STOUGHTON/NEL A.A.Attanasio, "Solis"; Ben Bova, "Death Dream"; Harry Turtledove, "Worldwar: In the Balance". SERIF Steve Aylett, "The Crime Studio". [] Also promised: GOLLANCZ Paul McAuley, "Pasquale's Angel"; Gregory Benford, "Furious Gulf"; Gwyneth Jones, "North Wind"; Phillip Mann, "A Land Fit For Heroes II: Stand Alone Stan"; Ian Watson, "Fallen Moon". HEADLINE Dean Koontz, "Dark Rivers of the Heart". [] An uncanny silence prevails from Legend and Orbit. [] No comments (your editor is a judge, subject to the cruel lash of Administrator Barrett) ... but horror epics and collections seem unlikely `best sf novel of 1994' winners. THOG'S MASTERCLASS. Amazing originality from Point Fantasy: Peter Beere's "Doomsword". `"... He is the greatest threat this world has ever known. If he takes the Doom Sword he will be invincible; he will destroy our lands and make the world his slave. Until eternity we will walk in the pain Kalidor has planned for us. Darkness will serve him as he now serves the dark, and his armies and fiends will rule for ever more. And now this is possible, for you have returned the sword." / "I couldn't help it," Adam said moodily. "It wasn't my idea, it just happened that way."' "But there's one slim chance!" `"... If it was mine I would try destroying it. I would plunge it in the Fire." / "What, in this camp fire?" / "In the Eternal Fire," she said, "which burns within the hills beyond the Bridge of Doom...."' [MC] 15 YEARS AGO. "Ansible 2/3" (Sept 79) judged the UK Worldcon by British fan standards, and found it good: `19,000 pints were drunk at Seacon by the time of the closing ceremony.' Ansible 86 Copyright (c) Dave Langford, 1994. Thanks to Brian Aldiss, Paul Barnett, Mike Cheater, Cuddles, Mike Cule, Martin Easterbrook, David `Where's My Plug For STARGONAUTS, You Bastard?' Garnett, Rob Hansen, Roz Kaveney, Mark Plummer, Chris Priest, Ian Watson, Taras Wolansky, Martin Morse Wooster and our Hero Distributors: Janice Murray (NA), SCIS, Alan Stewart (Oz), Martin Tudor and Bridget Wilkinson. 1 Sept 94 David Langford ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk ANSIBLE 87 OCTOBER 1994 >From DAVE LANGFORD, 94 London Road, Reading, Berkshire, RG1 5AU, England. Fax 0734 669914. ISSN 0265-9816. E-mail ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk. Graphics: Hugo Gernsback. Not available in the UK for money: try SAEs. [NET NOTE. This electronic ANSIBLE contains the same text as the more or less simultaneous printed version, except for the occasional artwork credit. It is possible to subscribe electronically to ANSIBLE by sending e-mail with the single word SUBSCRIBE to ansible-request@dcs.gla.ac.uk ... not, please, to me personally. DRL] NINE! Nine! Thank you all. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.... ### CULTS OF UNREASON ### DAVID V.BARRETT, one-time editor of the skiffy anthology "Digital Dreams", has yet to issue an official denial of any connection with `the first adult magazine for CD-ROM users' (complete with a CD of computer porn), titled "Digital Dreams". ROBERT BLOCH died on 23 September aged 77 ... not unexpectedly; his terminal illness was announced weeks earlier at the Worldcon. I hardly need say how universally liked he was, let alone mention "Psycho". His 1962 collection of fan pieces "The Eighth Stage of Fandom" (recently reprinted) is still huge fun. ARTHUR C.CLARKE was nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize, partly, it seems, on the ground that geosynchronous satellites have helped get world leaders talking to each other. `Hi Fidel, this is Bill.' Watch for him (with Buzz Aldrin, Alexei Leonov, Patrick Moore, Helen Sharman et al) on an upcoming BBC "This Is Your Life", struggling desperately to be modest.... CECELIA HOLLAND is still irate about perceived links between her "Until the Sun Falls" and William James's Orbit trilogy ending with "Before the Sun Falls". `Orbit (the editor is Colin Murray) asked me to submit a detailed list of my objections to James's publications; compiling such a list would have been impossible as there were literally hundreds of correspondences, and as I went along I discovered James had pillaged not one but three of my novels. So I culled three instances, one from each of James's volumes, one from each of mine, and sent them off as an illustrative but hardly exhaustive list. That was in March. In April Murray wrote to say that Mr James had the material and would surely respond by the end of the month. In mid-May Murray wrote to say that, alas, Mr James had had some kind of cardiac problem! And would not be able to do the necessary hard work for a while. (I'll bet he has a cardiac problem, as in: rabbit-hearted cowardice. As for the hard work, it would take him about three hours.) I wrote and said I'd give James until Oct 31, provided Orbit withdrew the books from distribution and, as well, accepted their ultimate responsibility and agreed to bring the dispute to a resolution in November. I have yet to get an answer to this letter and so I am proceeding to file a suit against both James and Orbit.' "DRL note:" the James books remain on sale. Colin Murray is a nice guy in a very awkward position. I hope this doesn't come to court! L.RON HUBBARD continues to rampage unchecked. The 1994 American Booksellers' Association (ABA) thrash was preceded by a 10th anniversary Writers of the Future celebration held at the Scientology `Celebrity Center' in Hollywood. "Andrew Porter" was less than cheered by `the very long awards ceremony, with rather more emphasis on Scientology than I would have liked. The part that got to me was the organized "three cheers for L.Ron Hubbard -- hip, hip, hooray!" at the end of the ceremonies, which, I duly noted, many of the assembled SF notables did not participate in.' ["SFC"] Later, multiple Hugo winner Andy confided to "Ansible": `There was much discussion of the feeling that Scientology is assuming a too-large linkage with the LRH contests, at ConAdian.' CARL SAGAN may safely be called a BHA or Butt-Head Astronomer, ruled Judge J.Baird of the US District Court for Central California as he threw out Sagan's libel suit against Apple ("Ansible, passim"): `One does not seriously attack the expertise of a scientist using the undefined phrase "butt-head".' [BY] CHARLES STROSS might or might not have read the recent Judge Dredd spinoff novel featuring a minor character called Chuck Strozza who wanders pathetically around the plot trying to show people his wads of print-out (but later gains Stature). JANE YOLEN continues to be publicized: `One of my books -- "Briar Rose" -- has been burned by anti-gay activists on the steps of the Kansas City Board of Education building. My first book burning. I am torn between being proud and being disgusted.' ### CONSOUDE ### 7-9 Oct MIDCON ("Trek"), Holiday Inn, Leicester. Rush, rush. 10 Oct SF BLUES at the Cheltenham Literary Festival. Playhouse, 7:30pm. Brian Aldiss, Ken Campbell, old jokes.... 14-16 Oct D-CONTANIMET (anime), Grand Hotel, Brum. #25 reg. Contact 13 Prescott Close, Banbury, Oxon, OX16 0RD. 15-16 Oct The Scottish Convention Staff Weekend, Victoria Hotel Periquito, Wolverhampton. Agenda: Programme/Fan Fair, space allocation in SECC and hotels, haggis stalking. Contact 13 St Cloud Road, West Norwood, London, SE27 9PN. 21-4 Oct ALBACON 94, Central Hotel, Glasgow. GoH Robert Asprin, Fangorn, Douglas Hill. #30 reg to 15 Oct, #35 at door. 10 Atlas Rd, Springburn, Glasgow, G21 4TE. 26 Oct BSFA MEETING rises from the grave! 4th Wed each month, excepting Dec, at Jubilee pub, York Rd (upstairs room), near Waterloo. 7pm onward. Contact 081 656 0137. 27-31 Oct WORLD FANTASY CONVENTION, Clarion Hotel, 1500 Canal Street, New Orleans, LA 70112. $120 at the door. 28-30 Oct WHO'S SEVEN ("Dr Blake" event), Queens Hotel, Church Road, SE19. #35 reg. 31 Oct HALLOWE'EN HOUSE OF HORRORS, Turnmills Club, 63 Clerkenwell Rd, EC1. `Guided tours' every 15-20 min, #3 (#2.50 students/unwaged; no pre-teens). Lasers, smoke machines, chainsaws: `an intense live-action horror experience,' puffs organizer John Gullidge. (Whose sin of being a horror buff still exercises the unspeakable "Exeter Express & Echo": their shock news item for September was that -- hold the presses! -- there had been NO CHANGE in the situation whereby HORROR MAN was employed by his local playgroup.) [JG] 4-6 Nov NOVACON 24, Royal Angus Hotel, Brum. GoH Graham Joyce. No more advance bookings: #30 at door. Contact 14 Park St, Lye, Stourbridge, W.Midlands, DY9 8SS. 5-6 Nov ARMADACON VI, Astor Hotel, Elliott St, The Hoe, Plymouth. GoH Mary Gentle and others. #20 reg + 3 A5 SAEs. Contact 4 Gleneagle Ave, Mannamead, Plymouth, PL1 2PS. 12 Nov FIRST CONTACT (one-day `multimedia' thingy), Hilton Students' Union, Aberdeen. 9am onward. #4 reg (#5 at door). Contact 47 Gairn Terrace, Aberdeen, AB1 6AY. 3-5 Nov 95 NOVACON 25, Chamberlain Hotel, Brum. #23 at Novacon 24, #25 after. Contact: same as this year. 8-11 Dec 95 UK YEAR OF LITERATURE sf/fantasy section events, Swansea. Write to mighty consultant Lionel Fanthorpe, 48 Claude Rd, Cardiff, CF2 3QA, in 35,000 words or more. "Rumblings" [] Scottish Convention mole "Lilian Edwards" rips the lid off: `Latest horrific calamitous news that would reduce even Thog to silence: Steve Glover has got a job IN EDINBURGH. At MY UNIVERSITY. Just when I thought it was safe to quietly resign from the Worldcon (since no- one ever tells me anything anyway).... Although apparently he has been told to keep that nasty skiffy stuff out of his work. [] On room rates: apparently one of the options the magnificent Meenan/Sorensen negotiating duo are exploring is #5 off in return for no breakfast. This heralds the end of the con report as we know it. What, no tales of Rob Hansen staring blearily into the vista of corn flakes, no moans about the absence of mushrooms? Beccon fandom will desert en masse. The best advice up here is still: book your B&B "now".' [] LONESTARCON 2 in San Antonio, Texas (1997), is to be the 55th Worldcon after beating the St Louis bid by a roughly 2:1 voting margin. $65 reg, $25 supp. Contact PO Box 27277, Austin, TX 78755-2277, USA.[] BALTIMORE IN '98: having lost the Baltimore Convention Centre to a US National Guard Bureau meeting on Labour Day weekend, this committee is bidding to hold the 1998 Worldcon there on 5-9 Aug instead. ### INFINITELY IMPROBABLE ### HUGO AWARDS. You read it here last! NOVEL "Green Mars", Kim Stanley Robinson. NOVELLA `Down in the Bottomlands', Harry Turtledove. NOVELETTE `Georgia on My Mind', Charles Sheffield. SHORT `Death on the Nile', Connie Willis. NON-FICTION "The Encyclopedia of Science Fiction", ed. John Clute and Peter Nicholls. DRAMATIC "Jurassic Park". PRO EDITOR Kristine Kathryn Rusch. ARTIST Bob Eggleton. ORIGINAL ART Space Fantasy Commemorative Stamp Booklet, Stephen Hickman. SEMI-PROZINE "SF Chronicle". FANZINE "Mimosa". FAN WRITER Dave Langford. FAN ARTIST Brad W. Foster. [] CAMPBELL AWARD -- not a Hugo -- Amy Thomson. (The utterly different Campbell Memorial award went, unprecedentedly, to `No Award'.) [] 491 valid ballots were cast. [] Amid popping champagne corks, "John Clute" also cheered Stan Robinson's victory: `The nerve of it, winning a Hugo for a book which the razor-sharp cutting-edge gurus on the Arthur C.Clarke Awards panel didn't even shortlist. This is a direct consequence of the taste, wit and judgement for which they have become so extremely thoroughly known. (You can quote me.)' [] "Martin Hoare" on Conadian's pre-Hugo reception: `It was terrible! A dry party! And John Mansfield the con chair told me I couldn't leave to get a drink! I nearly died!' [] The giant maple leaf Hugo trophy was as usual endless fun to transport. "Dick Lynch:" `We had to call hotel maintenance for assistance in dismantling it, and in the process ruined a perfectly good one dollar Canadian coin, but that's another story....' NEW HORIZONS IN GEOGRAPHY. From "Remembrance Day" by Brian Aldiss: `She wore large bronze earrings made in an obscure country which rattled when she laughed.' "J.Boston" asks, `Is it time for Aldiss to write another travel book?' C.O.A. "Amanda Baker", 9 Willow Close, Eynesbury, St Neots, Cambs, PE19 2JD. "Henry Balen", 807 Washington Street, Apt 5N, Hoboken -- `birthplace of Frank Sinatra (yuk)', NJ 07030, USA. "Dave Clements", European Southern Observatory, Karl-Schwarzschild-Str 2, D-87548 Garching-bei-Munchen, Germany. "John Foyster/Yvonne Rousseau", PO Box 3086, Rundle Mall, Adelaide, SA 5000, Australia. "Mary Gentle", 29 Sish Lane, Stevenage, Herts, SG1 3LS. "Colin Hinz", 235 Major St, Toronto, Ontario, M5S 2L5, Canada. "Loren MacGregor", 1043 Winchester #17, Glendale, CA 91201, USA. "Mike Scott Rohan & Deborah", 61 High St, Little Shelford, Cambridge, CB2 5ES. RANDOM FANDOM. "Harry Bond"'s rumoured determination to become a Harriet has fascinated British fandom's chattering classes. [] "Debbie Notkin", famous sf lady, features hugely and nudely on the jacket of her own "Women En Large: Images of Fat Nudes" (just out; photos by Laurie Toby Edison) ... Jeanne Bowman, ever fair-minded, is trying `to drum up interest for a Lardy Laddy version'. [] "Nigel E.Richardson" wants to know how come all the other fan writer Hugo nominees had names ending in `er': what does this mean? Drat you, Nigel, it means the secret is now out and in 1995 I'll face much stiffer competition from Mike Glyford, Sharon Farbford, Evelyn C.Leepford and Andy Hoopford. [] "Doreen Rogers" `has severe back trouble. She needs to use a Zimmer frame about the house and a wheelchair outside, but still plans to attend Novacon. She'd welcome phone calls from fan friends.' [EL] [] "TAFF" candidates are apparently Samanda b Jeude, DAN STEFFAN and Joe Wesson. Dan's Our Man. SECRETS OF PROPHECY. "Pat Murphy", asked at a Readercon panel what coming future developments sf writers have missed: `Well, we "missed" them....' [] At the same event "Nancy Kress" movingly described the least flattering invitation she'd ever received, to join the team for Robert Silverberg's "Murasaki" anthology (also featuring Anderson, Bear, Benford, Brin, Pohl): `We have to have a woman, or we're going to get killed!' [TW] GIVE ME LIBERTY. The Prometheus Award for libertarian sf judges achievement by Troy weight: the novel of the year (L.Neil Smith's "Pallas") wins half an ounce in gold, while owing to inflation a mighty all-time Hall of Fame award (Yevgeny Zamyatin, for "We") rates only 0.1 oz. You can't take it with you. GLOOM & DOOM. "Richard Evans", ace Gollancz sf editor, is still ill in Central Middlesex Hospital. [] "Keith Roberts" (to update the grim "A86" report) may yet be able to return home if the Sheffield hospital rehabilitation team has its way. MORE CLARKE AWARD. Argh! I should never have started this, but out of fairness here are the rest of the submitted books -- so far. HARPERCOLLINS Brian Aldiss, "Somewhere East of Life". HODDER/NEL Gene Wolfe, "Lake of the Long Sun" and "Calde of the Long Sun". MILLENNIUM. Kristine Kathryn Rusch, "Alien Influences"; Bruce Sterling, "Heavy Weather". ORBIT (promised) David Garnett, "Stargarnetts"; Mary Gentle, "Left to His Own Devices"; Rachel Pollack, "Temporary Agency". [] Erstwhile winner "Pat Cadigan" doesn't care any more: `I've "had" Arthur C. Clarke, and he's almost good enough for me, too. You dog.' W.A.R.H.E.A.F. "We Also Received Harlan Ellison Anecdotes From:" Don Herron, Steve Sneyd. Time for a rest, chaps. It is to be hoped that HE doesn't see the "Guardian" obituary by Maxim Jakubowski (29 Sept) stating that Robert Bloch `will probably remain the only writer to have won prestigious awards across the spectrum of the sf, mystery, horror and fantasy fields'.... TEN YEARS AGO, at the launch of "The SF Sourcebook" edited by David Wingrove: `"What market d'you think this book's aimed at?" someone asked Brian Stableford [a contributor]. "Remainder," he said instantly.' ("Ansible 40", Oct 1984) ### MORBID INTROSPECTION ### Since this `second series' of "Ansible" began to cloud men's minds in 1991, it has yet to miss a month despite hideous illnesses, rail strikes, attacks of gloom, and the shattering tedium of typing con listings -- but things have come close, especially when "Guardian" and other review deadlines are too nearly coincidental. How long can this go on? I dunno. (An aside. Doubtless no one else noticed the cock-up of my 6 Sept "Guardian" sf reviews, whose usual subeditorial garbling -- they like to insert, as many, `clarifying', commas as, possible -- transposed the phrase `Good fun nevertheless' from the review of Eric Brown's "Engineman" to that of Andrew Harman's "The Tome Tunnel", which emphatically was not good fun nevertheless. Chris Priest effortlessly topped me with a story of his similarly cramped column for the "Oxford Mail", with 5 books to be covered in 50 words each. When he begged a special dispensation to devote his entire space to praising D.G.Compton's "The Continuous Katherine Mortenhoe", it was granted: after which frowning subeditors cut his single 250-word review to the permitted wordcount of 50....) Back to "Ansible". The blasted thing seems to be regarded as a public institution, probably closely resembling Arkham Asylum. (`Soulless,' complains born-again fundamentalist reviewer Helena Bowles in "Critical Wave". Who told her that 666 appears in my phone number?) In my private capacity I begin to weary of: [] Convention committees who expect a listing as a matter of right, in every single issue -- "FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE! Membership rates still exactly the same!" [] UK denizens who reckon SAEs are `too much trouble', and wish me to save trouble by buying envelopes, attaching stamps, printing address labels, etc; henceforth I plan to use loose stamps myself and spend `subscription' money on beer. [] Informants who send juicy "Ansible" snippets and then sternly forbid their use, even unattributed or in paraphrase. [] Kindly souls who swell my ego by informing me at length that I don't deserve awards ... true, no doubt, but please harangue the misguided voters and not me. But yes, this run of Hugos is deeply weird. `If you ever get nine,' said Avedon Carol in tones of menace, `you will have to "die".' So as of 3 September 1994 I'm a dead man. I keep wondering whether to wriggle off the hook by withdrawing, despite Mike Glyer's flattering theory that a `Best Fan Writer Except Langford' award would be no fun to win. Some chauvinism may enter into it: hey, until "Interzone" breaks Andy Porter's long, savage grip on the semi-prozine category, I should keep doing my bit for Britain, right? "The Plain People Of Fandom:" Ha bloody ha! Ansible 87 Copyright (c) Dave Langford, 1994. Thanks to David V.Barrett, John Grant, Steve Green, Ethel Lindsay, Joseph Nicholas (Grand Prize for Voluminous Supply of Obscure Clippings), Andy Porter, SF Chronicle, Taras Wolansky, Ben Yalow and our Hero Distributors: Janice Murray (NA), SCIS, Alan Stewart (Oz), Martin Tudor and Bridget Wilkinson. 6 Oct 94 David Langford ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk ANSIBLE 88 NOVEMBER 1994 >From DAVE LANGFORD, 94 London Road, Reading, Berkshire, RG1 5AU, England. Fax 0734 669914. ISSN 0265-9816. E-mail ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk. Available for SAEs. [NET NOTE. This electronic ANSIBLE contains the same text as the more or less simultaneous printed version, except for the occasional artwork credit. It is possible to subscribe electronically to ANSIBLE by sending e-mail with the single word SUBSCRIBE to ansible-request@dcs.gla.ac.uk ... not, please, to me personally. DRL] TAFF TALK. The 1995 TAFF race is on, to choose which fabulous US fan will adorn The Scottish Convention in this special delegate role ... and, while not saying a word against the other splendid candidates (acclaimed throughout Britain as `Joe "who"?' and `You're "sure" the "b" isn't a typo?'), I encourage "Ansible" groupies to vote for that fine artist and fun-lover Dan Steffan. Yes, there is an ulterior motive. Dan drew the "Ansible" logo (above left) for a 1986 issue. It's since been recycled in a significant 42 further "Ansible"s -- and if we bring the bugger over here then maybe at last I can have him do a replacement. ### NIGHT OF THE JABBERWOCK ### RICHARD EVANS, mighty Gollancz sf boss, is past his hospital crisis (pneumonia plus liver failure) and now embarking on a lengthy, teetotal convalescence. All sympathies.... L.RON HUBBARD continues to pile up posthumous glories, this time the Ig Nobel Prize presented by "Annals of Improbable Research" magazine to those whose achievements `cannot or should not be reproduced.' The Literature trophy inevitably went to L.Ron `for his crackling Good Book, "Dianetics", which is highly profitable to mankind or to a portion thereof.' [PJM] PAUL KINCAID, in-depth sf critic, is noted for awesome, penetrating insights ... so I carefully wrote down his entire commentary on the 1994 Hugo award results: `FUCK ME! THAT FUCKING AWFUL CONNIE WILLIS STORY WON THE FUCKING HUGO!' JERRY POURNELLE's secret career in sports writing is revealed on the blurb page of Poul Anderson's "Harvest of Stars", which names Pournelle as co-author of "Football". I have yet to trace his collaborative venture on off-track betting, "The Tote in God's Eye". CHRIS PRIEST muses on incipient fame: `"Fugue", "Glamour" and "Wessex" are already optioned for feature films. Today [26 Oct] "The Quiet Woman" has joined the list. If three out of four projects fail, don't you think I might at last be in with a chance? All four are low- budget art-house movies, though. I do wish they would Think Schwarzenegger when they read my books! They did once with Phil Dick....' KARL EDWARD WAGNER died of liver failure on 15 October. He was only 48. Besides his own horror novels and stories, he is fondly remembered for editing "The Year's Best Horror" annually since 1980. This series often drew on the British small press: Karl was highly sympathetic to `borderline' work, though he liked to pull the authors' legs by saying the story was too tame and that `I added a final paragraph with zombies and chainsaws, since this was an obvious oversight on your part.' IAN WATSON, modest as ever, `reports on the launch of his "Warhammer 40,000: Harlequin" in the Birmingham National Indoor Arena on 23 Oct, amidst a horde of 5,000 Warhammerers. Boxtree venturesomely trucked 300 copies of the #16 hardback Collector's Edition to Brum. Half an hour before the signing session all 300 had already sold out. A stunned Boxtree editor fended off public clamour for more. IW's suggestion to GW that next time 500 copies could be on sale brought the plea: "Ian, the kids only bring so much money along -- we want to sell the "games"."' STOP PRESS: all Boxtree `Warhammer' and `Dark Future' titles by Craig, Ferring, and Yeovil (Stableford, Garnett, Newman) sighted in London remainder shop! JANNY WURTS was disconcerted at the recent UK Fantasycon when, giving a reading of her work which had been carefully advertised as a reading of her work, she was interrupted by an audience member vigorously denouncing all readings as unhelpful, uninformative and a total waste of time. "Interzone"'s very own tact master Chris Gilmore had struck again! ### CONIDIUM ### 4-6 Nov NOVACON 24, Royal Angus Hotel, Brum. GoH Graham Joyce. #30 at door if the hotel isn't chock full. 5-6 Nov ARMADACON VI, Astor Hotel, Elliott St, The Hoe, Plymouth. GoH Mary Gentle and others. #20 reg. 11-13 Nov UNIFICATION (media), Grand Hotel, Brum. Contact Clifton Ho, 27 Clifton Pla, Wakefield, WF1 3JH. 11-14 Nov CULT TV WEEKEND, Seacroft Holiday Village, Hemsby, Norfolk. SAE to PO Box 1701, Peterborough, PE1 1EX. 12 Nov FIRST CONTACT (one-day `multimedia' thingy), Hilton Students' Union, Aberdeen. 9am onward. #4 reg (#5 at door). Contact 47 Gairn Terrace, Aberdeen, AB1 6AY. 23 Nov BSFA LONDON MEET, Jubilee Tavern, York Rd, nr Waterloo. Upstairs room, 7pm. Hear GoH Rob Holdstock's primal, mythic invocation to ancient forestland: `Mine's a pint.' 25 Nov TOM HOLT reads/speaks at Sheen Lane Centre, London, SW14, 8pm. #4 reg. Contact 081 940 9125. 26 Nov SIGNING of Point `young adult' f&sf by Molly Brown "et al", London, 1pm: in a frenzy of YA correctness this is in Forbidden Planet itself and not, as normal, the nearby pub.... 5-8 Apr 96 EVOLUTION (Eastercon): spurned by the Brighton Metropole, this has moved to the Radisson Edwardian Hotel near Heathrow. Room rates #30/person in doubles/twins, #28 in triple rooms, #50 `single occupancy of double room' (implying no actual singles). Refunds offered to anyone unable to contemplate the bleak horror of an Eastercon outside Brighton ... but those blenching at the word `Heathrow' are assured this is "not" the Skycon '78 hotel, and that it's survived its baptism of fire at a 1994 Trek con. #20 reg, to 18 Apr 95. Contact 13 Lindfield Gdns, Hampstead, London, NW3 6PX. "Rumblings" [] BRIDGET WILKINSON found Conadian's core event differently enjoyable: `I spent some time at the WSFS business meeting. Ouch! What a bunch of rules fetishists! I thought the Trotskyites were bad 'til I met that lot.... I now have a much better idea of where the Worldcon brain rot comes from. They spent six hours disposing of business ESFS would have dealt with in a bit over half an hour, and people complain about the length of our meetings.... The meeting appears to have become an end in itself, driving away those who want to get things done rather than revel in the minutiae of the rules. Haven't they got anything better to do?' [] PHOENICIANS: sf group meeting 2nd Thur monthly at Phoenix pub, Lower Hythe St, Dartford, 8:30pm onward, wishes to make friends and influence people (advt). [] CONFRANCISCO SHARE-OUT: the 1993 Worldcon found itself some $24,000 in profit and gave $4,000 (partly in kind: hotel suite costs etc) to each of the next three Worldcons, including The Scottish Convention. Further loot was disbursed as grants, including $400 to Fans Across the World. ### INFINITELY IMPROBABLE ### WEIRD SCIENCE. You thought Kim Stanley Robinson's "Green Mars" was hard sf? Not so, implies the write-up in "Fire and Water" (the HarperCollins newsletter), explaining how to reach this particular Mars: `Cross the astral belt....' DISNEY'S LANGUAGE LESSONS: Swahili. One watcher of the movie "The Lion King" found a smattering of Swahili useful to translate the names ("Simba"=lion, "Shenzi"=barbarian) -- but had to resort to a dictionary for the warthog "Pumba": `excretion from under the foreskin'. ["Guardian", 31 Oct] `It's not in "my" Swahili dictionary,' says Hazel suspiciously.... LIES, LIES. The `Liar's Panel on How To Get Published' was a popular Worldcon event. "Gene Wolfe:" `What is the quickest way to get a response from an editor?' "Dave Hartwell:" `Use different fonts in the text.' "Wil McCarthy:" `Use upper and lower case in the middle of a word.' "Joe Haldeman:" `I JUST USE ALL CAPS.' "DH:" `Perfume your MS so that it is easy to distinguish from others in the stack. [...] Send your MS to the company president. He can then assign it to an editor.' [All "F770:106"] BRITISH FANTASY AWARDS. The August Derleth Award for best fantasy novel was presented this year to Ramsey Campbell for "The Long Lost"; it must be getting time to change the name to the Ramsey Again Award. Other glittering whatsits went to Dennis Etchison's `The Dog Park' (short), "Dark Voices 5" (collection), Les Edwards (artist), Poppy Z.Brite (newcomer), etc. C.O.A. "A.A.Adams", 45 Fife Park, St Andrews, KY16 9UE. "Dave Hicks", 8 Dyfrig St, Pontcanna, Cardiff, CF1 9LR (a belated mention). BSFA FUN. Feisty "Dave Hodson" demonstrated for the second time his utter inability to produce the BSFA newsletter "Matrix", allowing BSFA supremo "Maureen Speller" to fulfil a lifelong dream: `I've always wanted to sack someone. I "really enjoyed" sacking Hodson....' Into the breach steps "Chris Terran" (who has heard all the Earthling jokes already), eager for "Matrix" news and views: send him something, anything, at 9 Beechwood Ct, Back Beechwood Grove, Burley, Leeds, LS4 2HS. 0532 782388. RANDOM FANDOM. "Sandra Bond" is the name, not Harriet. [] "Chuck Connor" bewails being thrown off computer net areas for using the smutty taglines he puts on fanzine envelopes: `Her hopes fell when she found an 8" WANG was a disk drive', or `PROBLEM CLOSING LEVI.ZIP -- REPLACE FLOPPY AND RETRY?' WHO, ME? "R.I.Barycz", one-time "Ansible" media columnist, rises mouldering from his celluloid grave: `I bought a copy of your "Irrational Numbers" [Necronomicon Press, plug, plug] from New Worlds.... I also watched an episode of the new Yankee TV series "The X-Files" around the same time. This one involved a mutated human who hibernates for 30 years, wakes up, rips the livers out of 5 men for nourishment and turns in for another 30 years. What struck a chord was the plot device: the mutant can elongate & flatten his body and so creep into locked rooms to perform his amateur surgery. Not a million miles from your story "The Lions in the Desert", no? Happy litigation.' Er um.... TOO GOOD TO CHECK. Seen the ads for `Venus Classics of Historical Erotica' -- a Victorian/Edwardian porn book club? Or its sleazier modern bedmate `Venus Editions Collection of Erotica'? Both come from New Era Press. It would be almost too beautiful for the human mind to contemplate if this were the same New Era that handles L.Ron Hubbard in the UK.... `When first published these books were FORBIDDEN!' -- it does sound like the grubby ad copy for "Dianetics", you know. PLUG REQUESTS. "Mab Ser", `Magazine of Welsh Speculative Writers Foundation' but apparently in English, #1.90: contact 16 Queenwood Clo, Cyncoed, Cardiff, CF3 7JH. [] "Maelstrom" `sf/fantasy/horror/mystery', 54pp A5, #1.50 from Sol Publications, 58 Malvern, Coleman St, Southend, SS2 5AD. [] "Clive Barker: Mythmaker for the Millenium" by Suzanne J.Barbieri, British Fantasy Soc, 64pp pb, #4.99 -- I admit giving up on this hagiography after some early New Age dribble about Barker being deeply relevant to the coming year 2000 and the `Age of Aquarius' (not "that" again), when `dreams bleed into waking life, and thought is made solid' and all existing mythology except Barker's reaches its sell-by date. Was that the ugly noise of a Langford mind slamming shut? STAYING AHEAD. From `The Sky Is Burning' by Harlan Ellison, (1958): `... the Moon, which we had reached in 1963, or Mars that we had circumnavigated in 1966 ...' ("Ellison Wonderland", 1962) Alternatively: `... the Moon, which we had reached in 1969, or Mars, on which we had landed in 1976....' ("The Essential Ellison," 1987). [] Mr Ellison is a best-selling author and expert advisor on meeting single people, explains the letterhead of the US `Great Expectations' dating agency. IRISH FANDOM PLUNGED INTO WAR. "Joe McNally" boasts that he, Eugene Doherty and Tommy Ferguson were naughty boys at this year's Octocon in Ireland -- publishing a scurrilous newsletter that made mock of sacred things like `Trekkies, Peter Morwood and Diane Duane' -- and that the committee reacted with an unheralded closing-ceremony announcement that the wicked trio were banned from all Octocons forever, with other cons being passed their addresses and a recommendation that they be refused admission. Can you spell `over-reaction'? EVERYTHING YOU KNOW IS WRONG! So you thought Doc Smith's Kim Kinnison and the First Lensman were different characters in different books? That the ship in Aldiss's "Non-Stop" was emphatically "not" travelling to the stars? That Silverberg's "Nightfall" was an expansion of, rather than a sequel to, the Asimov story? That it was the Hugo presentation and not the opening ceremony of Conspiracy at which Budrys made his famous L.Ron Hubbard speech? That the legendary fanzine "Hyphen" was jointly edited and had a revival issue in 1987? That you knew how to spell `despized' and `irized'? These and other common fallacies are exploded in Edward James's definitive "Science Fiction in the 20th Century", published by Oxford University Press.... THANKS to all who responded cheeringly to last issue's "Morbid Introspection" column. The clear winner was "D.M.Sherwood": `I know what Helen Whatsername meant by calling "Ansible" soulless but it's a "good" soulless (rather in the way of early Larry Niven stories).' This may even be a compliment. TEN YEARS AGO at Novacon 14, GoH Rob Holdstock turned a greyer shade of pale when (following his jocular request for bevies of naked dancing girls) the closing ceremony presented him in public with a jiggling `strippergram' ... leading to a storm of audience complaints about innocent sf fans, some of them mere babes in arms, being exposed to the alien terror of the female breast. ["Ansible 41", 1984] ### THE MILFORD REPORT [] JANE KILLICK ### [Once upon a time "Ansible" traditionally ran a scarifying account of each Milford UK writers' week. Now ... "Milford -- The New Generation"! DRL] Legend tells of an annual writers' workshop outcast from the wilds of Hampshire by the evils of commerce (or a change in hotel management). Long had it searched through grotty Margate guest houses for somewhere akin to those legendary days. Now 1994 may go down in history as the year Milford found a new home in Rothbury. The pilgrims began their studies soon after arrival, reading the works of those assembled in the morning, and discussing them in the afternoon. Authors hid behind giant writing pads as their toils were exhumed in the company of their fellow writers. But what joy as problems were uncovered, solutions proposed and learning stimulated! How on Earth, wondered the newcomers, had The Great Old Ones managed with a group almost twice the size? We preferred the smaller circle which allowed us to scrutinize two works by each author. New blood outnumbered the experienced fellows by five to four, but tradition managed to hang on by its fingernails. The evening's silly games were enhanced greatly by a box of Trivial Pursuit found under a bench near the bar. With it I was able to enhance my intellectual stature by demonstrating intimate knowledge of "Noggin The Nog". Some tried alternative entertainment in the local ale house, but after a couple of visits the comfortable hotel surroundings seemed far more attractive. By the end of the week, the group had actually grown -- there were still the same number of people, but we had all eaten too much. The inn itself was set in picturesque countryside minutes from the village shops where we discovered somewhere to enjoy the ancient art of photocopying. Over the week, the examination of every topic from TV plays to tales of interstellar travel and stone shamans had brought people closer together. On the final day there was a pilgrimage to a couple of nearby castles before bidding fond farewells and pledging to return next year. "[Wot, no carnage and blood-soaked manuscripts? Didn't used to be like this in the old days, when even mild-mannered Richard Cowper would stalk the hotel corridors muttering `Kill! Kill!' -- Ed.]" Ansible 88 Copyright (c) Dave Langford, 1994. Thanks to Chris Amies, Paul Barnett, Lionel Fanthorpe, Mike Glyer, File 770, Liz Holliday, Jane Killick, Paul J.McAuley, D.A.Scocca, Maureen Speller, Marion van der Voort, Gordon Van Gelder and our Hero Distributors: Janice Murray (NA), SCIS, Alan Stewart (Oz), Martin Tudor and Bridget Wilkinson (FATW). 3 Nov 94 David Langford ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk ANSIBLE 89 DECEMBER 1994 >From DAVE LANGFORD, 94 London Road, Reading, Berkshire, RG1 5AU, England. Fax 0734 669914. ISSN 0265-9816. E-mail ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk. Vote Dan Steffan for TAFF! Available for SAEs. [NET NOTE. This electronic ANSIBLE contains the same text as the more or less simultaneous printed version, except for the occasional artwork credit. It is possible to subscribe electronically to ANSIBLE by sending e-mail with the single word SUBSCRIBE to ansible-request@dcs.gla.ac.uk ... not, please, to me personally. DRL] NOVACON 24 (Royal Angus Hotel, Birmingham) was probably just fine, only my hearing aid expired halfway and left me prey to gloom. Leaving early on Sunday night, I reckoned I could still enjoy one hour of the vaunted `beer and sausage tasting' -- little realizing that the hotel kitchens would procrastinate until well after that hour. Days later came horrific reports of how fandom red in tooth and claw descended on the sausage buffet in a welter of trough noises, leaving minimal rations for those further down the queue.... Lots of people helpfully told me there was plenty of beer and indeed that at midnight "Martin Tudor" pathetically begged fans to drink more -- or, horrifically, it would be returned to the brewery and "poured away". This has been a con report in Traditional British Mode. [] "Simon R.Green" was stunned to find that mere "Graham Joyce" was Novacon's guest of honour: `Huh, how does "he" get to be guest when he's only published three novels? I've done fourteen.' [] "Jack Cohen" and "Ian Stewart" cracked bottles of champagne and gloated over vast US sales of their nonfiction "The Collapse of Chaos" (advt.), also informing a relieved "Ansible" reporter that they hate the practice of putting a capital letter after every colon but the US editors forced it on them.... [] "Nova Awards" went to Greg Pickersgill's "Rastus Johnson's Cakewalk" (best fanzine; runners-up "Moriarty's Revenge", "Attitude"), Greg himself (fan writer; also-rans Langford and Mike Siddall) and D.West (fan artist, trailed by Shep and Dave Mooring). Absentee West had Jackie McRobert represent him at the ceremony, hoping for double-takes at the hint of yet another fan sex change. [] "Tom Holt" secreted himself somehow on the margins of the convention, but his book reading was tracked down by a shambling figure (modesty forbids) who burst in and loudly apologized for late arrival at the BSFA meeting which proved to have been many hours earlier.... [] ### THE MACABRE ONES ### TERRY BISSON is reportedly to novelize the movie of William Gibson's `Johnny Mnemonic'. [TB] They couldn't afford Gibson.... JO FLETCHER is standing in for still-convalescent Richard Evans at Gollancz, in a whirlwind of slushpile clearance: `Richard isn't going to recognize his office without all those familiar old manuscripts,' muttered one agent on receiving a huge parcel of yellowed paper. GEORGE HAY was the victim of a hit-and-run driver in November, and suffered concussion and serious injuries including multiple fracture of one leg (requiring an operation). He's now in good spirits, but likely to spend at least another week in Cookson Ward, Conquest Hospital, The Ridge, St Leonards, TN37 7RD. [CP] "Ansible" refuses to credit the persistent rumour that George was treated at length for delirium until medical staff realized he was telling them about the SF Foundation. CECELIA HOLLAND's long-standing complaints of being plagiarized in the William James SUNFALL trilogy (published by Orbit) have finally taken effect. `Orbit has capitulated; they gave James until November 1 to respond to the charges, which he has not done, so they are recalling everything, ceasing distribution, and trying to call the matter closed. I am in no mood to consider it closed; I want them to bleed a little, for making me bleed, if only metaphorically.... I found Colin Murray "[Orbit editor]" himself to be a pretty good guy: too bad he's caught in the middle. But I feel Little, Brown has acted very badly in the whole matter.' They certainly acted slowly: resemblances between the Holland and James books were pointed out to Orbit/Little, Brown as early as July 1993. CHARLES PLATT, forthcoming "Interzone" guest editor (April 95), reassures us all: `I gather no one is happy with the new "IZ" design. I haven't seen it yet. Rest assured, my design will be "far" more radical, disconcerting, and unpleasant to read.' J.I.M.STEWART died in November, aged 88. He was famed for his witty, donnish and sometimes surreal `Michael Innes' detective thrillers, some with sf McGuffins (biowarfare in "Hare Sitting Up", mind control in "Operation Pax"): `serious' work under his own name also included a few ghost and semi-sf stories. JULES VERNE has a new book out: his second novel "Paris in the 20th Century" was locked away after its 1863 rejection until 1989, and is now a French bestseller. When the English edition appears in February, will Verne's mindboggling predictions of 1960's motor cars, universal electrification, canned applause and fax machines put him in line for his first Hugo? IAN WATSON bewails his popularity: `WARHAMMERED, OR THE PERILS OF SUCCESS. Alarmed by the complete sell-out of all copies of IW's "Warhammer 40,000: Harlequin" available at Games Day (see "A88"), Games Workshop have forbidden this particular hardback to be on sale in any GW shop in case customers buy it instead of a game. Stunned publishers Boxtree are protesting vehemently. (Bizarre -- but true!)' New readers should note that, yes, the book is an official, GW-authorized tie-in with GW's own "Warhammer" game.... DEBORAH WILLIAMS ("nee" Beale) married Tad Williams on 29 Oct amid the ecclesiastical splendours of Finsbury Registry Office. Charon Wood, late of Millennium, was maid of honour. [SJ] In Spring the newlyweds are off to live in the USA for a couple of years at least, partly so that Tad can be reunited with his ancient pet dog for its final days. [PB] ### CONJOBBLE ### 3 Dec ACADEMIC FANTASTIC FICTION conf, U of Reading. With G.Jones, A.Sawyer, B.Stableford "et al". #10 reg (#5 unsalaried) -- must register 10:15-10:45am. Ends by 5:30pm. 9 Dec BFS OPEN NIGHT, Falklands Arms, Bloomsbury Way, London, WC1. 6:30pm onward. All welcome. 22 Dec LONDON XMAS MEETING, Wellington, Waterloo Rd, opp. Old Vic exit from Waterloo Station. 5/6pm onward. 28 Dec SPECIAL GALA BSFA NON-MEETING ... please note the BSFA are skipping December to nurse their hangovers. 25 Jan 95 BSFA LONDON MEET, Jubilee Tavern, York Rd, nr Waterloo. Upstairs room, 7pm. With John Whitbourn. 2-5 Mar 95 WORLD HORROR CON, Sheraton Colony Square Hotel, Atlanta, Georgia, USA. $75 reg. Contact PO Box 148, Clarkston, GA 30021- 0148, USA. 17-19 Mar 95 TREK DWARF 3 (thespically challenged and differently tall), Holiday Inn, Leicester. Now #35 reg. Contact 47 Marsham, Orton Goldhay, Peterborough, PE2 0RB. 14-17 Apr 95 CONFABULATION (Eastercon), Britannia International Hotel, London Docklands. #20 reg "rising to #25 on 1 Jan". Horrendous, extortionate and punitive rates are promised for anyone joining at the door; numbers may also be limited. Contact 3 York St, Altrincham, Cheshire, WA15 9QH. "Rumblings" [] The Scottish Convention has enlisted `the lovely Jackie McRobert' (her own considered phrase), who is compiling a vast catalogue of local UK sf clubs/meetings -- times, places and contact names, please, to her at 75 Balmalloch Rd, Kilsyth, Glasgow, G65 9NS. Media fan club info is not required since she already has `a comprehensive list', usually to starboard. [] OCTOCON, the `premier' Irish sf convention, is bidding for Eurocon 1997. SAE to 30 Beverley Downs, Knocklyon Rd, Dublin 16. [] CONSEAL (25-7 Nov, Holland) was approved by "Dave Power": `A great con despite the worst breakfasts ever. Horrible tea, disgusting coffee and NO MUSHROOMS.' This saw `the announcement of a new bid for the 1998 Eastercon: Westercon 98 or Westoncon 98, with Alison Weston "[daughter of the more famous Peter]" as chair. Possible sites include the Weston family mansion and the Central Hotel, Glasgow. Bid slogans: "West is Best!" and "I don't know how to run a con, but I know a man who does." This started as a spoof bid, but seems to be mutating into the real thing through popular acclaim. Alison was frequently heard proclaiming, "I was drunk. I didn't really mean it!" But supporters' badges soon appeared, with Alison proudly wearing her bid chair badge. Rumours that she had to be held down while this was pinned on are entirely true.' [DP] ### INFINITELY IMPROBABLE ### COPYWRONGS. Sf artist "David A.Hardy" was less than delighted when six of his paintings were released for `trading cards' publication by "Starlog" magazine, which neglected to ask permission or offer payment. His US lawyers have been told to sue for copyright infringement. Norman Jacobs of "Starlog" expressed annoyance that ungrateful artists should object on such piffling grounds to his sincere promotion of sf art.... `15 artists are involved (not all of whom are suing), inc. John Berkey, Robert McCall, Rick Sternbach, David Mattingly and Joe Bergeron,' writes Dave `Green Blob' Hardy. `By all means mention it: Norman Jacobs told me, "Publicity won't hurt ME!"' [DH/"CW"] C.O.A. "Tom Abba", 34 Friezewood Rd, Ashton, Bristol, BS3 2AB. "Chris Evans", 8 Paddock Close, Sydenham, London, SE26 4SS. "Mab Ser" magazine (see "A88") hastily changed its title to "Beyond the Boundaries" after English monoglots failed in droves to buy issue one, assuming wrongly that the contents must be in Welsh. "Charles Platt", 1133 Broadway, Room 1214, New York, NY 10010, USA. MORE FOOTBALL: not just a typo but a contagious meme! Following Jerry Pournelle as noted last issue (but this time in a Pan flyer for their anti-Green polemic "Fallen Angels"), Larry Niven too is credited with co-writing the blockbusting "Football". Will this haunt the pair all their lives, just as Brian Stableford is pursued by a chimerical Stapleford? (The semantic attractor of Olaf Stapledon has a lot to answer for.) RANDOM FANDOM. "Eileen Gunn" is writing a biography of Avram Davidson: `I'm anxious to get in touch with anyone he might have known or corresponded with in England, Australia, Israel, etc.' 525 19th Ave E, Seattle, WA 98112, USA. [] "Colin Harris" is now Literary Programme boss for The Scottish Convention. `This is despite every person he mentions this to remarking that he must be totally mad.' [ME] [] "Teddy Harvia" moans, `Dick and Nicki Lynch pulled the "Langford Must Die" article by Tom Sadler from publication in "Mimosa" after I'd drawn the illos. Do you know anyone who needs cartoons of moribund fan writers?' [] "Lloyd Penney", hailed by Hugo megastar Andy Porter as `the fan who keeps saying nasty things about me', demands full, frank and bilingual coverage of the Aurora awards for Canadian sf -- featuring L.Penney for `Accomplissement fanique (Organisation)', plus some other categories.... [] "Ian Sorensen" is unmistakably Tuckerized in "Dreams of Dawn" by Marti Steussy (Del Rey): `I understand Sorensens are unpopular here,' and, later, `Anger washed over Skip as he realised that the enemy he had hated all his life didn't bother to reciprocate. Arrogant Sorensens!' [MB] [] "Meredith Sorensen" (possibly no relation), in "Australian Book Review", effortlessly outstrips fandom's `KTF' reviewers by first instructing that the children's book under discussion be torn to shreds. `The males of the party, having consumed enormous amounts of something smelly and bubbly, must then piss on the remains. The females ... must then saute the sodden shreds in a liberal amount of oil until golden brown.' Serves 4. [YR] [] "Harry Warner Jr" demolishes me utterly: `Everything that happens yesterday, today or tomorrow has happened before in fandom, and I can't accept the fact that these events may be news in the sense that they involve different fans, different locales and insignificantly different details from their previous incarnations.' "A88" UPDATE. "Karl Edward Wagner"'s death from liver failure reportedly resulted from Rocky Mountain Tick Fever: as Ian Watson points out, Karl would have appreciated (nay, insisted on) this more exotic epitaph. WORLD FANTASY AWARDS. NOVEL Lewis Shiner, "Glimpses". NOVELLA Terry Lamsley, `Under the Crust'. SHORT Fred Chappell, `The Lodger'. ANTHOLOGY "Full Spectrum 4". COLLECTION Ramsey Campbell, "Alone With The Horrors". ARTIST Alan Clarke & J.K. Potter (tie). SPECIAL AWARDS: PROFESSIONAL Underwood-Miller, for publishing; NON-PROFESSIONAL Marc Michaud, for Necronomicon Press (yay yay). LIFE ACHIEVEMENT Jack Williamson. "NEW WORLDS 4" was launched by Gollancz last month in a blaze of secrecy, with only editor "David Garnett" able to reveal that the party invitations (mentioning a horror novel but not "New Worlds") in fact contained this hidden agenda. Nevertheless the usual suspects enjoyed far too much wine in, for some arcane reason, the Murder One bookshop's romance section ... where "Garry Kilworth" seemed curiously at home. AUTHOR IN `NICE PUBLISHER' SHOCK: "David Redd" is still stunned following an experience with Heyne in Germany. He asked to buy a copy of their Xmas sf anthology containing a Redd story; this was out of print, but Heyne bought one in a second-hand shop and sent it free of charge. Seasonal spirit.... ROBERT BLOCH MEMORIAL AWARD. Initial funds were raised at this year's Bouchercon, the crime/mystery Worldcon: presumably any prize will be for that genre. `We do not have a lot of it decided yet. Currently, it "appears" that it will be a juried award given for paperback original,' writes Andi Shechter. CYBERBULLIES. Anyone seen the US "Penthouse" with the rant about Internet's `dark side' promised in the Oct edition? `Writer Harlan Ellison, one of America's most popular and prestigious authors, who found himself electronically pilloried for no reason, summed up one view of computer bulletin boards: "A breeding ground for bullies ... who would not dare to practice their hooligan ways were it not for an environment devoid of civility, courtesy, and the common properties which govern how human beings should behave toward one another."' Coo! FAN FUNDS. "Steve Sneyd" mutters: `The icky tweeness of the candidates' campaign platforms in the TAFF ballot seems to provide even more evidence that all these intra-First World funds have become utterly naff and should be wound up, with the money used to transport 3rd world fans to Worldcons or some such....' [] "Andy Hooper", hurt by UK reactions to his fanzine "Apparatchik" (which discussed British views on TAFF without involving irrelevant bystanders like Brits), describes himself in issue 16 as `a very bad and unworthy person who hates everyone in Britain and most of the rest of the world as well'. FOUR'S A CROWD. `A prime candidate for the World's Most Unsuccessful Signing Session must have been Janny Wurts and Rob Holdstock at Manchester Dillon's ... precisely 4 (four) people turned up to hear an interminable, soporific reading from Ms Wurts's latest fantasy blockbuster. Holdstock? He didn't turn up at all -- at least, he hadn't when your correspondent made his excuses and left.' [MD] "Anyone thinking a turnout of 4 is a record low has never attended a Langford signing." TEN YEARS AGO, "Malcolm Edwards" advised: `Take a look at Howard Jacobson's new novel "Peeping Tom". There is a character called Dr Rowland Fitzpiers, "large and dark and affable" with "heavy black brows and a beard". He is an academic grown keen on sf, and is first seen explaining how all the great 19th century novels are really sf. He also has lots of girlfriends who are "all the wives or mistresses of SF writers". I'm sure even those of us who met Jacobson when he was best man at Peter Nicholls's wedding will realize that there are no "roman a clef" elements in this characterization.' ("Ansible 41", Dec 1984) Ansible 89 Copyright (c) Dave Langford, 1994. Thanks to Paul Barnett, Mary Branscombe, Tanya Brown, Critical Wave, Mike Don, Martin Easterbrook, Bernie Evans, Colin Greenland, David A.Hardy, Steve Jeffrey, Patrick Nielsen Hayden, Dave Power, Chris Priest, Jilly Reed, Yvonne Rousseau, SF Chronicle, and our Hero Distributors: Janice Murray (NA), SCIS, Alan Stewart (Oz), Martin Tudor and Bridget Wilkinson (FATW). Merry Christmas! 1 Dec 94 David Langford ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk ANSIBLE 89-AND-A-HALF XMAS 1994 Certainly not from DAVE LANGFORD, 94 London Road, Reading, Berkshire, RG1 5AU, England. ISSN 0265-9816. Inspiration and much of the Ode: ABIGAIL FROST, to whom all lawsuits should go. Merry Christmas to all! [NET NOTE. It is a forgotten fannish tradition that a special and extremely silly edition of ANSIBLE appears for Christmas. Normal scandal and smut will be resumed with ANSIBLE 90 in January. You must imagine that, as always in the printed ANSIBLE, the words `The Scottish Convention' appear in a heavy and antique black-letter typeface.... DRL] ### ODE TO THE SCOTTISH CONVENTION ### ### BY WILLIAM McGONAGALL ### Oh beautiful Scottish Convention on the banks of the silv'ry Clyde! Your great magnificence makes fandom go all weak inside: Thousands joined for half a groat right after the successful bid, Instead of helpfully waiting 'til now and paying eighty quid. The Laird of Illingworth and his band of tartan hearties Had bravely sacrificed their livers to an arduous international jet- setting round of parties, And nobbled the site selection by a canny bidding process Of serving out single malt in homeopathic doses, Since your average US con-fan reels inebriatedly At a swig of the Demon Alcohol barely exceeding 5cc -- While the hardened voting residue of doubters and laggers Were taken quietly outside and intimidated with a haggis. But some terrified fans fled south of the nearest available border At the sight of Martin Hoare dressed up as Harry Lauder: 'Tis true the sense of wonder most proverbially wilts, With fear of finding what's worn under such unconvincing kilts, Whose wearers oft had one bloodstained sock (although they didn't mean to), After ineptly thrusting there the traditional dirk or "skean-dhu". Our TAFF administrator still declares, to anyone who meets her, `'Twas about as authentically Scottish as a chicken tikka pizza.' Oh 'twas more years earlier than is convenient to relate, On a cold night when neither had a hot or even lukewarm date, That Vince Docherty and The Illingworth of that Ilk did meet and grimly decide, To bid to hold a World Science Fiction Convention on the banks of the silv'ry Clyde. The sorrowing fans of Albion heard and went back to sleep, All but for Ian Sorensen, who said it made him weep, Also a few ragged and shell-shocked survivors of Conspiracy, Who (to quote Lord Whitelaw) `rushed about stirring up apathy'. Yet the virus ravaged con-fandom like a contagious infection And the Secret Masters declared 'twas to be called Intersection, But insubordinate fans soon formed a bastard scum intention Never to refer to the thing except as The Scottish Convention. Now, Docherty made a pact with The Illingworth of that Ilk, That one should be Chair and the other be in charge of Filk, But Docherty reneged, though he'd seemed an honest yeoman, And pissed off to the endless sandy desert wastes of Oman: There we leave him, and to our main tale will now dash back, Having mercifully reached the end of this interpolated flashback. So 'twas in the year Nineteen Hundred and Ninety-five the Worldcon was to go To the Scottish Exhibition & Conference Centre outside bonny Glasgow, With all-night sf celebrations to follow each joyful day In a clutch of splendid hotels with unnegotiated prices not all that many miles away. And in an atmosphere of what the French call "bonheur", The committee proudly announced their Guests of Honour; The Americans were pleased to hear the name of Chip Delany, and of Vince Clarke too, But when it came to Gerry Anderson they all quoted Algis Budrys and said "Who?" For in the benighted colonies the creator of "Thunderbirds" -- That TV series whose characters' movements were zippier than Douglas Hurd's -- Was unknown, since the US networks found his shows, though of the neatest, Too British, obscure, downbeat, glum and generally elitist. Misinterpreting the theatre's superstitions of doom and death, Our committee somehow gleaned the idea that it was lucky to mention "Macbeth", Though Kathy Westhead thought it one of fandom's less tasteful gags, To call her, Fiona Anderson and Jacky Gruter-Andrew `you secret, black and midnight hags', While each and every chairman bore the aspect of a Thane Who espies gigantic forests advancing on Dunsinane. Dubious outsiders also looked askance at Shakespeare's script, Muttering, `Was this convention from its womb untimely ripp'd?' And as synthetic Scottishness raged in all directions, many quoted a well- known proverb, i.e.: `Whom the gods would destroy they first drive to the SECC.' The finance subcommittee was fruitlessly searching its pockets, After finally reading the contract clause about rental of power sockets; And thus spake the expert in these matters, Dermot Dobson: `They should have bloody known 'twould be the choice of Hobson.' When the fanroom staff scratched their heads over how to furnish a hangar vast and drear, Having approximately the volume of a Dyson sphere, The committee response displayed characteristic flair: A five-hour debate on the niftiest way to spell `Phanne Phayre'. 'Twas like one of the gorier scenes from "The Cook, The Thief, His Wife and Her Lover", When Lilian Edwards learned that fan programming was in the hands of Steve and Jenny Glover, Whose scheme to fill those huge echoing halls with balloon sculptures proved debatable, It having transpired that the contract forbade anything inflatable. Oh SF conventions are all about not Time but function Space: Boudoirs for Trekkie narcissists to drape themselves in lace; Committee rooms up towers where mere fans cannae reach 'em (Unless on stronger drugs than sold by Messrs Beecham); Vast suites with shag-pile carpet and huge velvet-covered sofas, And flunkeys serving pink champagne to semi-conscious gophers; Platforms for London lefties and Yank right-wing libertarians, Crash space for Bridget Wilkinson to hide six coachloads of Bulgarians; Places for nuclear reactors, fretwork dragons, Regency teafests, hucksters' stalls of hand-made Elvish pottery -- The only way to pay the rent was to win the National Lottery! 'Twas said the programme folk were set to boldly go and risk all, Until the finance types mentioned the Procurator-Fiscal. But despite wicked rumours of problems with the location, Our bold Intersection leaders faced the future with staunch resignation: None knows the dread committee scandal that gave unwilling birth, To the decision to resign of prime mover Tim Illingworth, And John Stewart of the original steering team was expunged from history during the "entr'acte" Between progress reports, having arranged the highly favourable SECC contract. But great was the joy when escaped co-chair Vince Docherty, that intermittently stalwart fan, Rejoined to do hands-on leadership from the safety of Oman. And even pessimists decided the event might be worth at least a look, When into the other co-chair seat stepped rescue expert Martin Easterbrook, Though Mr Easterbrook turned a strange shade of greenish-yeller As he accepted the resignations of Literary Programme organizers Paul Kincaid and Maureen Speller; But even while prostrated with grieving this sore loss, He still refused to consider appointing Charlie Stross. The Speller/Kincaid duo, like other Brits both male and female Had wearied of the refrain `We can't talk to you unless you use e-mail.' Yet the committee's cyberspace mastery seemed distinctly at sixes and sevens, When one fan wanting e-mailed information was electronically told to post a letter to Bernie Evans; While the net edition of their "Nessie "newsletter remains something of a "rara avis", After a full year's failure to upload it on CIX as promised by Steve Davies. [1] And still echoes of the Scottish Play saw chairmen babbling and unmanned: `Is this a modem which I see before me, the RS-232 connector toward my hand?' But registrations picked up a bit this last summer, As fans pressed payment on trustworthy ghillie Mark Plummer, For most considered him a rather better bet, Than trying to shove used tenners down the Internet. Other vile rumours were properly laid to rest, Via James Steel's novel if short-lived idea of printed communication in "The Digest", Which proved the `John Richards leaves committee' gossip to be all wrong, For wee John hadn't resigned at all but merely insisted he would before the con. Meanwhile it was time for the Board to mourn The stepping down from former roles of KIM Campbell, Eddie Cochrane, Helen McCarthy, Bernie Peek, Malcolm Reid and Kees van Toorn; Next, when co-chair Martin heard the blast of a small Exocet, he Knew it could only be the sonic boom of the departing Hugh Mascetti. All in all 'twas, according to subordinates downtrodden, The greatest reshuffle of personnel since the Massacre of Culloden. `New brooms sweep cleaner,' said the Board without apology, Recruiting fresh victims as ruthlessly as Scientology; Elsewhere, the popularity of the same year's Eastercon reached its apogee, When the staff were issued with cards that read GET OUT OF WORLDCON FREE. By and by to eager members the Progress Reports winged their leisurely way, Mailed, as a service to Brits, from somewhere in the USA. To illustrate the heights to which Dutch proofreading can go, I sing the first PR's happy invention of St Mango, While in the privacy of his beard, mild-mannered artist Dave Mooring allowed himself a tiny frown On finding one of his illustrations printed upside down. However, the peculiarly inscrutable "SF95" logo design is surely without flaw, For who needs artistic skill when you have a copy of CorelDraw? Using a world record number of fonts on a single A5 flyer, in tasteful interplay, Deservedly brought a major design award to Chris O'Shea, But there followed a most tremendous and terrifying battle About who if anyone dared show the result to typographical expert John D.Berry of Seattle. Then skilled Rhodri James stepped in to edit PR4 and soon was proud to present A Worldcon Progress Report that entirely omitted the date of the event. Those viewing the tangled chain of command with a low heart, Were pleased to learn the committee hopes by next autumn to complete its organizational flowchart, And translating from the management-speak brought joy and eliminated gloom With the information that `Fixed Exhibits' was what you called the dealers' room. In software Intersection has a full house, kings and aces, Being in possession of no fewer than three fine bonny registration databases, Thus ensuring that any possible computer disaster is averted Between the British member database, the incompatible US one, and Larry van der Putte's splendid Dutch system to which at the very last minute the others will be converted. But perhaps the happiest development in Scottish Worldcon news Was a fresh flow of information and frank exchange of views, As Greg Pickersgill wailed in tones shriller than a prima donna's, `Is Intersection our fault or is it a natural disaster that has fallen on us?' While full of kindly advice the voice of Seacon '79 chairman Peter Weston boomed: `They've got the wrong location, wrong site: they are DOOMED!' And all these helpful comments, with some substantially ruder, Were jotted down for "Critical Wave" by diligent Martin Tudor. [2] But though some sf newsletters' favourable coverage amounted to damn-all, The balance was restored by impartial reports in "Small Mammal". [3] Now 'tis the end of the year Nineteen Hundred and Ninety-four, and The Scottish Convention has survived ev'ry crisis Except the trifling issue of publishing its hotel prices. Many gallant fans had perished of old age or of worms, Awaiting the arrival of their hotel booking forms, And 'twas feared that when at last the renegotiated bargain room-rates were verified, Most of the survivors would opt to sleep on the banks of the silv'ry Clyde. But those who talk of exorbitant charges will be unable to scoff, If ace negotiators Sorensen and Meenan clinch their canny deal of `no breakfast and #5 off!'.... Meanwhile David V.Barrett loudly sings the committee's praise, For his membership confirmation has just arrived after only two years, one month and nine days. To all convention staff who enjoy the beauty of this Ode, and also to those who read it, The Poet McGonagall wishes seasonal fun and the best of Scottish luck (not hinting that they'll need it). May Yuletide cheer also make the Laird of Easterbrook serene, And end his recurrent nightmare about featuring in SHOCK HORROR editorials by Steve Green. In conclusion, here is Intersection's merry Christmas summing-up of the story so far: `For God's sake send all your money to us at Admail 336, Glasgow, G2 1BR.' ===================================================================== Feetnote: [1] `A gross calumny!' cried Steve Davies, adding that "Nessie" had been on CIX for many a month (Allowing a gratuitous use, for rhyme, of the first PR's handy new ordinals 3th, 2th and 1th). Only net master John Dallman was able to detect the problematic gremlin, bug or elf, And reveal that Steve had inadvertently made the files detectable and downloadable by no-one but himself. [2] Steve Green's and Martin Tudor's "Critical Wave" is famed for clear-eyed sf commentary, soberly put, Such as ALIEN SCOTTISH CONVENTION FOUND ON MOON TURNS INTO ELVIS AND EATS OWN FOOT. [3] "Small Mammal", an infrequent fannish newsletter renowned from London to Boston, Is published by Martin Easterbrook and Margaret Austin. ===================================================================== Not Ansible 89.5: Copyright (c) Dave Langford, 1994. The editor is not responsible. Even less responsible are Abigail Frost and Martin `Don't quote me, but....' Hoare. ADVERT: send your Ukp80 full Intersection membership to the indicated address before Easter, as rates rise thereafter and what it will cost at the door doesn't bear thinking about. STOP PRESS: Fred Clarke instructs fans not to miss `This Is Your Life' on BBC1, 11 Jan, 7pm.... 22/23 Dec 94 ===================================================================== David Langford ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk ANSIBLE 90 JANUARY 1995 >From DAVE LANGFORD, 94 London Road, Reading, Berkshire, RG1 5AU, UK. Fax 01734 669914. ISSN 0265-9816. E-mail ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk. Available for SAE or arcane whim. [NET NOTE. This electronic ANSIBLE contains the same text as the more or less simultaneous printed version, except for the occasional artwork credit. See also GEEKS' CORNER below.... DRL] NEW YEAR RESOLUTION: to show proper respect, after the disgraceful excesses of "Ansible 89.5", to the now fearfully imminent-seeming Scottish Convention. (Co-chair Martin Easterbrook, wistfully: `If I was on the outside doing "Small Mammal" I would be much less responsible than you are being.') ### THE GOLDEN YEARS RETURN ### POPPY Z.BRITE gained the ultimate accolade -- her 5,271,009th exposition of how she's actually `a gay male in a woman's body' made it into "Private Eye"'s coveted `Pseuds Corner' [30 Dec]. ARTHUR C.CLARKE is to be awarded an honorary D.Litt from Liverpool University (home of the SF Foundation -- "can this be coincidence?") on 26 Jan. Inevitably it's all being done by satellite link between the State Broadcasting studios in Sri Lanka and Liverpool U's Senate Room. But the gown and scroll are likely to go by old-fashioned air mail rather than -- as was helpfully suggested -- fax. DAVID GARNETT, in a logical next career step after editing "New Worlds", has found glory on the back of a cornflakes packet. `Kelloggs are offering free Power Trax Trucks -- what we used to call toy cars. The drivers are Mark "Firestorm" McCreedy, Chang "Red Dragon" Gee, Chris "Thunder Warrior" Priest ... no, sorry, Smith. And Dave "Crazy Horse" Garnett. True fame!' NEWT GINGRICH the US politician is writing an alternative-history World War II novel, with sf author William R.Forstchen. Actually it seems a three-way collaboration, with Jim Baen the publisher/editor shoving in bits of his own: a Baen passage about `goofy' young Lt.George Bush caused some stir when the draft was leaked, and was removed.... [MMW] Over, NEL will be keenly interested in "1945" (the provisional title) and its novel concept of Hitler going into a deep coma after a 1941 air crash, leaving him unable to declare war on the USA following Pearl Harbour. In 1979 NEL published "The Moscow Option", an alternative-history World War II novel by David Downing: `August 1941. Hitler lies in a deep coma after an air crash....' [HP] SIMON R.GREEN, self-confessed rising star of British sf and fantasy, made the error of enjoying a heavy meal immediately before a spellbinding talk delivered by Graham Joyce. The room was dark and cosy, the talk hypnotically compelling, and by and by Mr Green was jerked upright (along with the entire audience) by a stentorian Joycean bellow of `WAKE UP, GREEN, YOU BASTARD!'. CHRIS PRIEST has been up to something: `I'm pleased to say that last night I wrote the finest, most wonderful passage in all English literature, a favourite of all writers. THE END. Phew.' PETER WESTON, `after years of masquerading as a guinea pig, has shaved off his facial hair (well, most of it). The sight was greeted by shock and screams from at least two daughters, but SHE WHO MUST BE OBEYED likes it. Those uncertain if they can face the naked visage are assured that he "claims" to be planning to grow it back before the next fannish shindig.' [AW] ### CONTIGNATION ### 11 Jan THREE-LINE TV WHIP. Fred Clarke insists, without telling us why, that fans should watch "The Mysterious World of This Is Your Life" at 7pm on BBC1. This supersedes the leaked date of 4 Jan; the series order has since been reshuffled. 25 Jan BSFA LONDON MEETING, Jubilee Tavern, York Rd, nr Waterloo. Upstairs room, 7pm. With John Whitbourn. 3-5 Feb TRANSEPT (7th UK filk con), Royal Cambridge Hotel, Cambridge. #22 reg, #17 unwaged. Contact 2 Westbrook Pk Rd, Woodston, Peterborough, PE2 9JG. 4-5 Feb GENERATIONS ("Trek"), Albert Hall, London. 10-step price scale from #8 (students, standing) to #30 for `privileged seating' -- "per day", with 10% discount for booking both days, "but" `there is a booking fee of #2.50.' GoH: more or less the whole "ST:TNG" cast. Contact 22 Reindeer Court, City Centre, Worcester, WR1 2DS. Tickets 01905 613005 or 0171 838 3100. 17-19 Feb ROBOCON: half man, half machine, all CANCELLED. 11-12 Mar TIMEWARP ("Trek"), Grand Hotel, Malahide, Dublin. With Majel Barrett Roddenberry, Leonard Nimoy. #30 reg. Contact PO Box 4183, Dublin 16. "NB -- previously advertised as being on 4-5 Mar. Please adjust your diaries." 12 Mar (Sunday) PICOCON 12, Imperial College Union, Prince Consort Rd, London, SW7 2BB. 10am-late. GoH Iain Banks. #8 reg. Contact ICSF c/o Imperial College as above. 14-17 Apr CONFABULATION (Eastercon), London Docklands. Now #25 reg -- lots more at the door, if they let you in at all. Contact 3 York St, Altrincham, Cheshire, WA15 9QH. 6 Jun H.G.WELLS stamps for "The Time Machine"'s centenary issued by Royal Mail -- `a must for all Sci-Fi fans', oh dear me. 22-24 Sep 6TH FESTIVAL OF FANTASTIC FILMS, Sachas Hotel, Manchester. With Roger Corman. #35 reg to April. Contact 95 Meadowgate Rd, Salford, Manchester, M6 8EN. 12-15 Jul 96 ALBACON 96, Central Hotel, Glasgow. Contact, probably: 10 Atlas Rd, Springburn, Glasgow, G21 4TE. "Rumblings" [] The Scottish Convention will be larger than we think, reveals Michael White in "GQ" magazine -- with the meticulous accuracy for which his unauthorized boigrahpy of Issac Amisov is famed: `... expected to attract upwards of 50,000 people.' [DG] [] READING SF GROUP: the ICL Club, immemorial venue of Monday-night meetings, closed forever in Dec. Alternatives are being tried: the Three B's (Town Hall basement) on 9 Jan, The Forbury Vaults on 16 Jan. [] Speaking of which, "Scott Edelman" of "Science Fiction Age" has sent hordes of UK sf groups a tear- jerking missive (`Like all editors, I am very protective of the stories I publish. They are like our children, and I want mine to do well out in the cold, cruel world.') promising freebies of all the mag's 1994 issues, to help Brits vote right in the Hugos. If you are a UK sf group or are thinking of becoming one, apply to him at PO Box 369, Damascus, MD 20872, USA. [] LILIAN EDWARDS is editing The Scottish Convention's "Timebytes" fanthology, collecting evocative `timebinding' fragments about Significant Things in UK fandom since 1987. Suggestions to 39 (1F2) Viewforth, Bruntsfield, Edinburgh, EH10 4JE. ### INFINITELY IMPROBABLE ### WONDERS AND MARVELS. "Rob Hansen"'s 33,000 word TAFF report, "On The Taff Trail", is now available from him at 144 Plashet Grove, East Ham, London, E6 1AB, for #3 (plus 50p p&p) or $5 (plus $1.50 seamail, $2.50 air). All proceeds to TAFF; cheques to be made payable to Rob Hansen. [RH] As Mr Hansen failed to say in an exclusive "Ansible" interview, `Suck on that, you non-publishing bastards!' [] Even more legendary is Jack Speer's "Up To Now", the first-ever fan history, covering doings `up to the eve of the 1939 Worldcon'. Now reprinted: $5 postpaid in USA (overseas add $2 seamail, $4 air), to Richard Newsome, 281 Flatbush Avenue #1-B, Brooklyn, NY 11217, USA. [RN] UPDATES. Despite the worried report in "A86", "Keith Roberts" does not -- I am instructed -- now have any visual trouble and seems in cheeringly good literary form, well able to write letters as powerfully irate as legend credits him with.... ("Signed:" Small Heap of Carbonized Remnants, Reading.) [] "George Hay" remains in hospital following his hit-and-run accident, but has been moved: best to write to his home address, 53b All Saints St, Hastings, TN34 3BN. He's `most appreciative of the many get-well cards and messages, in particular one that seems to have been signed by some drunken mob in a pub near Waterloo.' [] The late "Karl Edward Wagner"'s estate is apparently being looked after by his brother James R.Wagner, 3103 Trafalgar Dr, Augusta, GA 30909, USA. C.O.A. "Gollancz", Wellington House, 125 Strand, London, WC2R 0BB. "Ken Lake", 1a Stephen Ct, Ecclesbourne Rd, Thornton Heath, CR7 7BP. "Tom Perry" (yet again!), 1497 Main St #346, Dunedin, FL 34698, USA. "Art Widner", PO Box 5122, Gualala CA 95445-5122, USA. "Tom Whitmore", PO Box 46665, Seattle WA 98146-0665, USA. GRAMMARWATCH. Dire warning from Little, Brown accompanying review copies of Gary Haynes's "Carrion": `No review should not appear before the date of publication.' [DVB] [] NOT HAZEL'S LATIN LESSON ... Motion at a recent UK Professional Association of Teachers conference: `This conference believes that "mens sana in corpore sano" should in 1994 read "men's and women's sana in corpore sano".' [via JB] ARCANE NEWS. `Self-styled psychic Uri Geller, known for claiming to bend spoons with sheer mental force, yesterday failed to connect with the legal minds of three appellate court judges who said he must pay nearly $150,000 in sanctions for a lawsuit he filed against a rival three years ago.' Thus the "Washington Post" [10 Dec] on the latest legal round between Geller and magician/debunker James Randi (the `rival'). The court called Geller litigious and his lawsuit frivolous. [MMW] [] A favourite recent `magic' story comes from a US conjuror whose skills over-impressed a fundamentalist: `He started shouting that I was a satanist and had shunned the ways of the Lord. I tried to explain how the trick worked, to no avail. Every time he passed me in the hall he crossed himself, held a cross at me, and on two occasions spoke in tongues.... He started accusing me of sacrificing children to Satan and molesting children to offend the Lord. I decided I had had enough. It had been 3 months and I had tried several times to explain that I was "not" doing real magic. I have a device that fits over a finger and will shoot a ball of flash paper 20-30 feet. I kept it with me and the next time he harassed me I shot a ball of fire over his head and spoke in my own tongues. He screamed and ran out of the building and I have not seen him since.' [KEB] "We could use this man at certain sf cons...." FIRE! STOP PRESS, Maryland, 3 Jan: "Dick and Nicki Lynch" of fan Hugo fame were driven from home by fire (and firefighter) damage when the house next door burned down. Focusing on priorities, Dick notes that the cats, Hugos and stocks of "Mimosa" were all saved. Two months in rented housing are anticipated. DICKERY. `Tim: I have moved out. Won't be back for a long time. Goodbye. Phil Dick.' -- this hand-printed (and reputedly mendacious) 1972-ish note to Tim Powers will set you back $750, as priced in the bargain catalogue of US bookseller Ken Lopez. If only Dick had commanded $50 a word in 1972. [DG] ### ANSIBLE TRANSMISSIONS ### rICH bROWN: `"Science Fiction Fandom", ed. Joe Sanders and published by Greenwood Press (88 Post Road West, Westport, CT 06881), 293pp., is finally out. At $55 a copy, it's collegiately overpriced. A.k.a. "Contributions to the Study of SF and Fantasy, #62". You'll recognize most contributors: Bob and Juanita Coulson, Sam Moskowitz, Robert A. Madle, Art Widner, Harry Warner Jr, rICH bROWN, John & Bjo Trimble, Terry Jeeves ("British Fandom"), Pascal J.Thomas, Roelof Goudriaan, Wu Dinbo, Masamichi Osako, F.M. Busby, Hank Luttrell, Tom Whitmore, Debbie Notkin, Bernadette Bosky, Dick Lupoff, Jack Gaughan, Robert Weinberg, Howard DeVore, Russell Letson and Sandra Meisel. `As someone who's not receiving any royalties, I have no problem judging that the book is overpriced. My own contribution "Post-Sputnik Fandom (1957-1990)" may or may not be typical -- I haven't spoken to any of the other authors yet -- but I hope not. My offer to proofread the chapter was not taken up, so I can safely blame the numerous typos and badly mangled quotations on Greenwood. My first two explanatory paragraphs having been excised at the last minute, the reader is left to figure out why I'm talking in fan speak, and just about fanzine fandom, or why I felt it necessary to refer to events before and after my designated period. I had been told that Dave Rike would be writing about the period immediately preceding mine, so I assumed Burbee and Laney might be mentioned, as well as Speer's numbered fandoms theory; instead it's by Harry Warner Jr., who doesn't believe in numbered fandoms and apparently never appreciated Burbee's and Laney's sense of humour. Not that there are not a few things I must take the blame for on my own hook. I slagged "Star Wars" for using "lightyear" as if it were a measure of time, when actually "Star Wars" used "parsec" as if it were a measure of time. And I found out too late to change it that my understanding of the "false" Seventh Fandom leaves much to be desired. Harry Warner's preceding piece about fandom from WWII to Sputnik doesn't overlap with my chapter at all; neither does his chapter with a "History of Fanzines" (although, as indicated, my piece concentrates on fanzine fandom).... My brief take on fanzines in the UK doesn't overlap with Terry Jeeves' chapter much, either. "[No one overlaps with Terry Jeeves much any more -- Ed.]" `If the book didn't cost so much, it would be interesting to find what other fans think about it.... It has been "in the works" for a decade or more, and was "much" more ambitious at one point; the publisher decided it was too big, so most pieces had to be cut and several "[including Tucker, Geis and White]" removed entirely.' [3-4 Jan, heavily edited] [] DAVID CLARK: `One true story of obsession at ConAdian. We decided to send a special announcement about our Thank-You party to the staff and volunteers of ConFrancisco. We used the `voodoo' message board for this (to leave a message you stick a pin by the member's name on the list). And since I didn't want to use up the supply of pushpins, I went out and bought my own. Note: the pushpins supplied by ConAdian were all red. I bought 100 green and 100 of assorted colours, and left messages for over 150 people I could identify as our workers.... After the party I checked the board again: not unexpectedly, many messages were still in place. However, someone had gone over the board, removed all my green/other colour pushpins, and carefully stuck red ones in their place. Did someone on staff have too much time on their hands? "Is" there a hyphen in "anal retentive"?' [9 Dec] [] DAVID DRAKE was angered on reading the supposed cause of Karl Edward Wagner's death, as reported in "Ansible 89". `In June, 1992, my mother died of Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever. Shortly thereafter, Karl diagnosed himself as having Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever and announced this to Bantam as the reason he couldn't turn in the novel 5 years overdue at the time. There was no sign of a tick, but Karl said he'd found a scab that might have been left by a tick bite. `This made me angry enough that I spoke directly to Karl on the subject -- one of the few times I tried to make him confront his problem.... Karl's liver failure was due to alcoholism, as anyone who knew him would expect, and as the autopsy confirmed.' "[Following up the `Cyberbullies' note in the same issue:]" `I only glanced at the "Penthouse" article on "cyberbullies" (I bought the magazine for the pictures of naked tits), but I noticed with amazement that it was written by John DeChancie. Some years ago DeChancie launched an attack on GEnie against one of my editors (and a friend of mine). This had come to over a hundred pages by the time she heard about and downloaded it herself. As an example of DeChancie's wit: "Why is it that when female editors get married, they all get fat and slow?" `I'd say "Penthouse" got the correct person to write the article.' [20 Dec] [] ALISON WESTON objects to being called `daughter of the more famous Peter' (this should have read `celebrity offspring of the now forgotten Peter') and insists that `despite the fond delusions harboured by my "committee" there is no real bid for the 1998 Eastercon, at least, none that has anything to do with me! I deny it utterly. I will not be responsible for giving my dad a heart attack, and the mere mention of "conrunning" in his hearing could be enough to do that....' [22 Dec] ### GEEKS' CORNER ### For reasons of space and justifiable annoyance to the non-net-connected, I don't like filling the printed "Ansible" with e-mail and Web addresses. Hence this experimental addendum for the electronic edition only. Comments are welcome. As with "Ansible"'s usual convention listings, this is not going to be exhaustive whatever happens.... ANSIBLE IN CYBERSPACE To receive "Ansible" via Internet, send an e-mail message with the single word SUBSCRIBE to ansible-request@dcs.gla.ac.uk. Please send a corresponding UNSUBSCRIBE to resign from this list if you weary of it or are about to change e-addresses; don't send such requests to me, as I don't maintain the list! Back issues are available as follows. FTP: ftp.dcs.gla.ac.uk, directory /pub/SF-Archives/Ansible Gopher: gopher.dcs.gla.ac.uk (Thanks as always to Naveed Khan for these services.) CONTRIBUTORS, NEWLY CONNECTED FANS AND E-COAS Arnold Akien, arnold.akien@sunderland.ac.uk rich brown, DrGafia@aol.com Avedon Carol and Rob Hansen, avedon@cix.compulink.co.uk Dave Clark, 70701.2154@compuserve.com Lilian Edwards, EUSL01@srv0.law.edinburgh.ac.uk Critical Wave, c/o Bernie Evans Bernie Evans, bevansa@cix.compulink.co.uk Fans Across the World, bjw@cix.compulink.co.uk Dave Hardy, Dave@hardyart.demon.co.uk Alison Weston, hid01@cc.kl.ac.uk E-ADDRESSES FOR LISTED CONS Confabulation, confab@moose.demon.co.uk The Scottish Convention, intersection@smof.demon.co.uk Picocon, icsf@ic.ac.uk Timewarp, davemc@toppsi.gn.apc.org WEB SITES ICSF and Picocon, http://www.ph.ic.ac.uk/moontg/ James Tiptree Award, http://www.cs.wisc.edu/wiscon/tiptree.html Wiscon 19 (1995), http://www.cs.wisc.edu/wiscon/ Ansible 90 Copyright (c) Dave Langford, 1995. Thanks to Anonymous Moles, John Bangsund, Ken E.Barham, David V.Barrett, Cuddles, Rob Hansen, Crazy `David Garnett' Horse, Richard Newsome, Chris O'Shea, Harry Payne, Andy Sawyer, Alison Weston, Mike Whitaker, Martin Morse Wooster, and our Hero Distributors: Janice Murray (NA), SCIS, Alan Stewart (Oz), Martin Tudor and Bridget Wilkinson (FATW). Happy New Year! 5 Jan 95 David Langford ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk From ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk Thu Mar 2 13:15:54 1995 Return-Path: Delivery-Date: Thu, 2 Mar 1995 13:15:50 +0000 Received: from sun3.nsfnet-relay.ac.uk by vanuata.dcs.gla.ac.uk with SMTP (PP); Thu, 2 Mar 1995 13:15:33 +0000 Received: from tom.compulink.co.uk by sun3.nsfnet-relay.ac.uk with UK SMTP id Thu, 2 Mar 1995 13:00:54 +0000 Received: from gonzales.compulink.co.uk (gonzales.compulink.co.uk [192.188.69.4]) by tom.compulink.co.uk (8.6.9/8.6.9) id NAA29251 for ansible@dcs.gla.ac.uk; Thu, 2 Mar 1995 13:06:18 GMT Date: Thu, 2 Mar 95 12:58 GMT From: ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk (David Langford) Subject: Ansible 92 [long] To: ansible@dcs.gla.ac.uk, rec.arts.sf.fandom@newnews.demon.co.uk Cc: ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk Reply-To: ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk Message-Id: Status: R ANSIBLE 92 MARCH 1995 >From DAVE LANGFORD, 94 London Road, Reading, Berkshire, RG1 5AU, UK. Fax 01734 669914. ISSN 0265-9816. E-mail ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk. Available for SAE, haecceity or whim. [NET NOTE. Please see the last section for subscribe/unsubscribe information: such requests should NOT be sent to my personal e-mail address. DRL] ONE SMALL STEP! I did it. I really did it. I filled in a hotel booking form for The Scottish Convention. I feel all weak.... ### THE CEREBRATIVE PSITTACOID ### JOHN GRIBBIN has known all along about our anonymous sf hoaxer (see _A91_): `I also get ill-typed letters from "Rachel Oliver" at _New Scientist_, asking questions about scientific topics. My usual ploy is to write a hand-written recommendation on the letter referring "her" to one of my own books....' PETER NICHOLLS remains secluded but happy in Australia ... `The acclaim I receive here is pretty muted, not to say inaudible, and you may have heard how tacky I found it last year that I wasn't even nominated for the Atheling Award, let alone winning it. The winner was nominated with the grand total of two votes, it later emerged, but I think he got four in the final voting. For this sort of reason, Australian awards, Ditmars included, are pretty meaningless, not even statistically meaningful as a personal popularity vote (which is how Bruce Gillespie describes them).' CHARLES PLATT moans, `When the police arrest you, they warn you that anything you say may be taken down as evidence and used against you. When I correspond with Dave Langford, this warning is omitted but the end result is sometimes the same. I suppose I'm old enough to know better; yet there's still that moment of shock and disbelief when I see my personal correspondence faithfully transcribed into print. For what it's worth (not much) I'd like to apologize to David Pringle, Piers Anthony, and the Church of Scientology for some of the things I was _[accurately -- Ed]_ quoted as saying in _Ansible 91_. [] And now a press release: Perverts around the world may be excited to hear that a new US edition of Charles Platt's venerable novel _The Gas_ will be appearing from the legendary Loompanics mail-order company, whose motto is "We know who we are. We are the lunatic fringe of libertarianism." The Savoy edition was distributed in the US by another mail-order company who described it in their catalogue as "possibly the most disgusting novel ever written." Platt will be writing a new introduction explaining that this misogynistic filth has nothing to do with his current, socially acceptable work and is being published as an historical document only. He says, "I no longer have bad thoughts, I'm kind to animals, and some of my best friends are women."' _Ansible_ asked Charles whether he'd read a certain Richard Calder book which had, er, struck your editor forcibly; he replied, `_Dead Boys_? Hah. Child's play (so to speak). _The Gas_ stands secure at its low-water mark of unredeemable filth.' CHRIS PRIEST made a ghastly discovery: `The sliding metal shutters on floppy disks are _sharp_! HORROR HONKER!! While trying to peel off an old label my hand slipped, and my thumb raised the edge of the shutter. Result: gallons of blood everywhere, a hurried and dangerous drive to hospital with blood pouring on to the car carpet, and a neat row of stitches holding a substantial chunk of my thumb back together, preventing it from flapping about the way it was. HORROR ALL-CLEAR!!' Was there a sinister symbolism in the fact that the fatal disk held a copy of Chris's recently delivered new novel _The Prestige_? ANDY SAWYER is practising Sarcasm: `The U of Liverpool's student newspaper covered the Arthur C.Clarke degree conferment somewhat more extensively than _Ansible_, if with less than Langfordian attention to accuracy: the book of which ACC said "no other ... had a greater influence on my life" is cited as _Last and First Nun_. I look forward to appropriate plot summaries.' JOYCE SLATER died of a heart attack on Mon 27 Feb, reports _Caroline Mullan_. `She was at home with Ken, having been discharged last Friday from hospital, where they discovered she had had a previous heart attack which no one had suspected. The private funeral is at 2pm Thursday.... Ken Slater says he is well, asks for no fuss and no phone calls please. Please can we let people know why Fantast Medway orders are not being met for the time being.' Joyce's cheery presence in UK convention book rooms will be much missed. ### CONSECTARY ### 1 Mar - 17 May, FROM LITERATURE TO LAUNCH DAY, `books that inspired the Space Age': exhibition at British Museum, King's Library, Gt Russell St, WC1. Admission free. [AJF] to 5 Mar [] KEN CAMPBELL, _Mystery Bruises_, King's Head, Upper St, Islington, N1. 0171 226 1916 3-5 Mar [] AKFT CONVENTION (_Trek_), Angel Hotel, Northampton. #20 reg, rooms #21/person/night. Over-18s only. 4-5 Mar [] MICROCON 15, Exeter University. GoH Ramsey Campbell. Phone 01392 73780, fax 74524. The pre-convention signing and party planned for Fri evening is now cancelled: the bookshop venue was the local branch of doomed Dillons.... 12 Mar (_Sunday_) [] PICOCON 12, Imperial College Union, Prince Consort Rd, London, SW7 2BB. 10am-late. GoH Iain Banks, Simon Ings. #8 reg (#3 to students with ID, #1 to ICSF). Everyone is urged to bring tons of priceless first editions for the Friends of Foundation bring-and-buy sale.... 17 Mar [] The Scottish Convention, Jubilee pub meeting (as BSFA, below). Special seminar on how to send other committee members 3Mb database files with no software to read them. 17-19 Mar [] TREK DWARF, Holiday Inn, Leicester. #35 reg. Contact 47 Marsham, Orton Goldhay, Peterborough, PE2 0RB. 18 Mar [] STAR WINDS, Queen's Hotel, Portsmouth. 11am to `late'. GoH Steve Baxter, Gwyneth Jones, Ian Watson, `H.G. Wells' et al. #7.50 reg, #10 at door. Contact 38 Outram Rd, Southsea, Portsmouth, Hants, PO5 1QZ. 22 Mar [] BSFA, Jubilee pub, York Rd, London (nr Waterloo). Upstairs room, 7pm. Guest speaker: Hilary Bailey. 26 Mar [] BFS mini-con in Dillons, Sydney St, Cambridge, 2pm on. Dillons? Oo-er. Better check first.... (See Microcon.) 14-17 Apr [] CONFABULATION (Eastercon), Britannia International Hotel, London Docklands. GoH Lois McMaster Bujold, Bob Shaw, Roger Robinson. #25 reg to 31 Mar, then much increased memberships at the door (panic _now_). PR4 now out. Contact 3 York St, Altrincham, Cheshire, WA15 9QH. 29-30 Apr [] BABCOM 95 (_Babylon 5_), NEC. Birmingham. Huge big event, expected to be Significantly Non-Cheap. Contact 22 Reindeer Court, City Centre, Worcester, WR1 2DS. 30-31 Jul [] BROOMCON, `The Pagan Convention', University of Essex, Colchester. #15 reg. 39 Henniker Rd, Ipswich, Suffolk, IP1 5HF. Bring your own flying ointment. 24-8 Aug [] The Scottish Convention (53rd Worldcon and Eurocon), SECC, Glasgow. Legendary hotel booking (and Hugo nomination) forms finally sighted in the UK _circa_ 22 Feb. Contact Intersection, Admail 336, Glasgow, G2 1BR. ? Oct [] FANTASYCON? No venue, date or committee as yet, but planning has reached the `will hopefully be organized' stage. Contact The Bungalow, The Shades, Banbury, OX16 9RS. 13-15 Oct [] OCTOCON (Irish national event), Royal Marine Hotel, Dun Laoghaire, nr Dublin. GoH Mary Gentle. Rates to follow. Contact (2xIRC) 30 S Circular Rd, Dublin 8, Ireland. _Rumblings_ [] MISCONSTRUED: _Alsion Wetson_, secret mistress of typos, complains that custard takes too long to wash out of one's hair. Otherwise: `I am pleased to say that the women acquitted themselves well by winning the silly games. Dad says it's because there was no real skill or logic involved -- but what sort of an idiot, when told to push a water-filled condom around a slalom course with a knitting needle, uses the pointy end? A man, of course. What sort of a team loses even when they cheat?! [] I've always been afraid of Pickersgill, but on close inspection I have decided that it is impossible to be afraid of one who looks (and sounds!) so much like an Ewok. He has shamed me into attempting to reply to some of those 'zines I keep receiving, so watch out.' Also at Misconstrued, _Greg Pickersgill_ was canonized by a lavishly costumed papal court, but nevertheless continued to fight the good fight with the stern vigour of Savonarola: pacing slowly from the back of an over-large room, he opened his sermon with `Behind me is a great and empty void ... very like The Scottish Convention.' Among the ecclesiastical notables uttering Gregorian chants were _Helena `Wimple' Bowles_ of the Order of the Little Sisters of de Sade (`Torture the witness some more!'), and thrusting _Mike Siddall_, who learned too late that the role of _advocatus diaboli_ required a tight red outfit and horns: to this he added an improvised codpiece of more than optimistic proportions, which may possibly explain why _Maureen Speller_ found herself invited to inspect the Siddall genitals and duly called for a powerful magnifying glass. _Ann Green_ presented a live fanzine, _Ormolu_, including a `letter column' of audience answers to compulsory questions (_Ann:_ `Langford -- what is your favourite body odour?' _Me:_ `Er ... We Also Heard From: Dave Langford.'). Traditional out-of-context remark from _Eileen Weston_: `It's only a pound a week and it gives me a thrill!' ### INFINITELY IMPROBABLE ### SECRETS OF JOURNALISM. One can only admire the thoroughly researched piece on _Interzone_ in last month's _Punter_, Brighton's alternative- reality equivalent of _Time Out_: `_[Interzone]_'s editor, Andrew Tidmarsh, has written to praise our recent piece on Dave Garnett and the sci-fi anthology _New Worlds_. He tells us that the latest issue of _Interzone_, which has actually been going since 1982, this month celebrates the 100th anniversary of Jules Verne's portentous novel, _The War of the Worlds_.' [DG] C.O.A. _Vince Docherty_, TCD/13, PDO, Box 81, Muscat 113, Oman. _Charles Stross_ (temporarily, while he moves to Edinburgh), c/o 64 Avenue Hill, Leeds, LS8 4EZ. MORE IMPERSONATION. In the wake of the false Baxter, Greenland and Langford (see _A91_), a spurious Terri Windling is now ravaging fandom: `There is a woman who has apparently been impersonating her at conventions in the US. She discovered this last week, when a friend of Charles Vess's told Charles that the woman he was talking to was not Terri Windling -- this friend had met "Terri" at a convention a few months ago, and had a long talk with "her". [] The unknown woman is over 5 feet tall (a couple of inches taller than Terri), has dark blonde hair, and looks nothing like Terri Windling (according to the friend who blew the whistle). She appears to know a great deal about Terri's life, but does not know how to pronounce "Devon". [] Terri (the real one) will not be at any conventions this year, except World Fantasy. Last year, she attended only World Fantasy, Readercon, and one day of the World Horror Convention in Phoenix. If you saw her anywhere else, it wasn't her.' [BM via EW] Does the home-grown British polymorph `Rachel Oliver' know how to pronounce `Devon', we ask? NEBULAS. Novel shortlist: Greg Bear, _Moving Mars_; Octavia E. Butler, _Parable of the Sower_; Jonathan Lethem, _Gun, With Occasional Music_; James Morrow, _Towing Jehovah_; Rachel Pollack, _Temporary Agency_; Kim Stanley Robinson, _Green Mars_; Roger Zelazny, _A Night in the Lonesome October_. Although the shortlist is nominally of five books, `there are seven works because of a three-way tie for fourth in the voting' -- a situation which implies six and not seven finalists, so one would guess the tie was actually for fifth place. UNTIMELY. `_Paul Thorley_, who entered fandom via the Leeds University group in the very early '80s and has been a regular convention-goer ever since, is terminally ill in hospital in Stoke-on- Trent. He is currently spending a fortune in phone calls to contact as many of his friends as he can, but says he can't possibly reach everyone who may wish to know the news. He gives everyone permission to "blub" for a while, but not to mourn for him. On the contrary, it's quite probable that there will be a riotous wake coming to a convention room party near you soon.' [MF] _Footnote:_ Paul died suddenly on 27 Feb. [] _Dave Montgomery_, whom many UK fans will remember from conventions, died on 2 Feb: he'd seemed to be winning his three-year battle against a brain tumour, but suffered a late relapse. Dave was 37. [via MAH] TREK RIPOFF? _Andrew Bartmess_, who in the 70s filled a gap in the _Trek_ mythos by publishing rules for the featured Tri-D chess game, was far from gruntled to learn that the US Franklin Mint -- the outfit that sells lavishly priced memorabilia, insignia, etc -- had pinched his text verbatim as part of their expensive and profitable _Trek_ chess package. Through a quirk of US copyright law this is apparently just about legal. AB urges a polite-ish write-in campaign to explain to the Mint that fandom looks askance at such behaviour ... certainly _Ansible_ at once cancelled its order for several dozen 3D chess sets at $225+ each. WORTHY CAUSES. _GHETTO:_ certain folk of good will, realizing that fan chatter on the Net was insufficiently filthy and depraved, devised a one-off fund to wire up the legendary Chuck Harris -- famous stone-deaf co-editor of _Hyphen_ when I was but a tot. The Get Harris Equipped To Talk On-line fund (as it is generally not known) has now virtually reached its goal, but kitty-holders P.Nielsen Hayden and D.Langford could stand being showered with a few more contributions. [] _Brian Burgess_ had a horrific though far from fatal crisis of health at the end of Novacon, which (in short) led to his having to cough up #591 to be taken home in a private ambulance. He is not a rich man. Martin Tudor suggests that fans might help defray the cost; Brian lives at 20 St Albans Cres, Bournemouth, BH8 9EW. ONLY IN FANDOM ... _An Anthropomorphic Bibliography_, compiled by Fred Patten and published by _Yarf! The Journal of Applied Anthropomorphics_, lists and annotates 250+ sf/fantasy titles featuring talking animals, `animalized humans', etc. John Clute, you need this for the _Fantasy Encyclopaedia_'s `Furry Fandom' entry! $5 from PO Box 1299, Cupertino, CA 95015-1299, USA. HIGH WEIRDNESS. All _Uri Geller_'s sheaf of lawsuits against his sceptics and detractors (beginning in 1989) have now been lost, dismissed, unprofitably settled or withdrawn. Chief victim _James Randi_ adds: `Mr. G. said quite positively a few years ago on a major TV show here, that he could predict, via his marvellous powers of prophecy, that he'd win the case against me. So much for prophecy and his fine control of it.' [] Meanwhile the Scientology horror continues and ramifies, probably to the alarm of the British fan who's doing a book on cults and asked on the net for personal horror stories -- using the hitherto safe anonymous-remailing service in Finland, which within days was compromised by an unholy alliance of police and scientologists. Oops! Thog's Masterclass. `He loosened the lacings that held his braes, stepped out of them, and stood before me as naked as I. Only then did he bend to lift back my veil. I felt my eyes widen, realizing that there was more than one reason they called Marc'h the Horse King.' (Diana L.Paxson, _The White Raven_) [] `His mouth, for a moment, ran liquid and then it slid, almost of its own accord, down his throat.' (Isaac Asimov, _Prelude to Foundation_) [JME] [] _Rob Hansen_ submits a sentence from his own TAFF report: `We got there before 10pm but not before Avedon, who turned up later.' (`Did I _really_ write that?') FIFTEEN YEARS AGO. _Harlan Ellison_ spoke out in _Comics Journal_: `Two years from now, I will be on the top of the best-seller list ... the novel that I'm writing ... will be the number 1 fiction best-seller in the nation. I promise you ... a natural best-seller idea. It's got to be a runaway. I mean, it's such a simple, terrific idea you say "Oh Christ, why didn't I think of that? Why didn't anyone think of that?" I thought of it. And I'm going to write it.' (_Ansible 7_, March 1980) ### GEEKS' CORNER ### The _Ansible_ electronic supplement. To receive _Ansible_ via e-mail, send a message with the single word SUBSCRIBE to ansible-request@dcs.gla.ac.uk. Please send a corresponding UNSUBSCRIBE to resign from this list if you weary of it or are about to change e-addresses; don't send such requests to me, as I don't maintain the list. I am compiling a list of people who plague me personally with SUBSCRIBEs and UNSUBSCRIBEs, and what I will do with this list does not bear thinking about. Back issues are available as follows.... * FTP: ftp://ftp.dcs.gla.ac.uk/pub/SF-Archives/Ansible * Gopher: gopher://gopher.dcs.gla.ac.uk/pub/SF-Archives/Ansible * Web: http://www.dcs.gla.ac.uk/SF-Archives/Ansible (Thanks as always to NAVEED KHAN for these services.) THE E-MAIL MAN British SF Association (general enquiries), bsfa@ansible.demon.co.uk British SF Association (_Matrix_ newsletter) -- COA, Chris.Terran@chaos.conqueror.co.uk Confabulation, confab@moose.demon.co.uk Fantasycon (?), piharris@cix.compulink.co.uk Janice Murray (_Ansible_ US agent), 73227.2641@compuserve.com The Scottish Convention, intersection@smof.demon.co.uk Alan Stewart (_Ansible_ Aussie agent), alan_stewart.chem_eng2@muwaye.unimelb.EDU.AU Charles Stross (for now), charlie@tardis.ed.ac.uk KISS OF THE WEB WOMAN _Ansible_ ... as above ICSF and Picocon, http://www.ph.ic.ac.uk/moontg/ Laurie Mann's interesting sf/fan links, http://www.lm.com/~lmann/hot/sf.html NESFA, http://www.panix.com/NESFA/home.html The Scottish Convention, http://www.dcs.gla.ac.uk/intersection IMMINENT DEATH OF THE NET PREDICTED! `Please could you tell me how to get on to "Internet"?' writes the Rev.Lionel Fanthorpe. Ansible 92 Copyright (c) Dave Langford, 1995. Thanks to Janice M.Eisen, Mike Ford, Abigail Frost, Dave `Sci Fi' Garnett, Wendy Grossman, Rob Hansen, Martin Hoare, Beth Meacham, Elizabeth Willey, Martin Morse Wooster and our Hero Distributors: Janice Murray (NA), SCIS, Alan Stewart (Oz), Martin Tudor and Bridget Wilkinson (FATW). 2 Mar 95 David Langford ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk From ansible-list-dist-request@dcs.gla.ac.uk Fri Apr 7 23:10:04 1995 Received: from vanuata.dcs.gla.ac.uk (vanuata.dcs.gla.ac.uk [130.209.240.50]) by bar.palantiri.spb.su (8.6.8/8.6.9) with ESMTP id XAA07593 for Resent-Message-Id: <199504071910.XAA07593@bar.palantiri.spb.su> Message-Id: <199504071910.XAA07593@bar.palantiri.spb.su> Received: from dcs.gla.ac.uk by vanuata.dcs.gla.ac.uk id <07405-0@vanuata.dcs.gla.ac.uk>; Fri, 7 Apr 1995 18:12:24 +0100 From: ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk (David Langford) Subject: Ansible 93, April 1995 [long] Date: Fri, 7 Apr 95 18:10 BST-1 To: ansible-admin@dcs.gla.ac.uk Old-Resent-From: ansible-admin@dcs.gla.ac.uk Errors-To: ansible-admin@dcs.gla.ac.uk Approved: ansible-admin@dcs.gla.ac.uk Resent-Date: Fri, 7 Apr 1995 18:12:24 +0100 Resent-From: mail@dcs.gla.ac.uk Resent-To: ansible-list-dist@dcs.gla.ac.uk ANSIBLE 93 APRIL 1995 From DAVE LANGFORD, 94 London Road, Reading, Berkshire, RG1 5AU, UK. Fax 01734 669914. ISSN 0265-9816. E-mail ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk. Available for SAE or beneficent mansuetude. [NET NOTE. Please see the last section for subscribe/unsubscribe information: such requests should NOT be sent to my personal e-mail address. DRL] PUBLISHERS' WAYS. _Editor, on phone:_ `Hello! Remember that book we talked about!? Can you write it and make it 77,000 words long!? In one month!?'' _Langford: _`Er, it needs research. Three months minimum if you want it to be any good.' _Editor:_ `Oh no! It's urgent! The Autumn list, we need it for the Autumn list! I'll have to talk to so-and-so! I'll call you right back! Hang on!' _Langford:_ waits patiently by telephone, for nine days so far. ### WATCHERS OF THE DARK ### IAN BALLANTINE, co-founder with Betty Ballantine of Ballantine Books in 1952, died in March after long heart trouble. [DD] SAMUEL R.DELANY's tongue-in-cheek ploy to improve the political correctness of his reissued porno epic _Equinox_ (aka _The Tides of Lust_) is to make all its characters 100 years older. No one could possibly complain about explicit underage sex scenes involving a boy and girl aged, respectively, 113 and 115.... DAVID GARNETT rants: `I've been trying to find someone else to take on _New Worlds_. A new publisher which plans to launch an sf list at Glasgow was asking for material, so I sent them a copy of _NW_. They phoned and were very interested in taking over the series -- until they realized that I wanted _paying_ for the anthologies. Most of their authors, they said, have other jobs and don't have to rely on money from writing to make a living. So they usually pay only an "honorarium" or a "nominal fee". Not paying authors -- what a brilliant way of cutting costs.... [] PS: Yes, it's Ringpull.' Now read on. JOHN GRIBBIN demonstrates the miracles of synchronicity: `Does anyone care that my really rather good novel _Time Switch_ is in limbo because an editor (alias Anne Editer) at Ringpull wants me to rewrite the characters to match her stereotypes of scientists instead of matching the kind of scientists I've worked with for thirty years? (And this after Bob Shaw said he really liked it as it was!) Does this mean I won't get launched (let alone lunched) at THE SCOTTISH CONVENTION?' New light may be cast on this question by grim revelations below.... GEORGE HAY wants the SF Foundation to remember its original aims and `go back to getting decisions taken at key meetings where at least 50% of those present are actually sf authors or activists. I think Andy Sawyer and Co. are going great guns in _academic_ terms, but what about some useful input into space exploration, planetary political issues and the rest of it?' Come on, Andy, take a day off cataloguing that library and organize a Mars probe. ROG PEYTON was mortified by my spoof `_Ansible_ news from 2010' column (_Interzone 94_), when a not terribly alert customer sent him condolences on the bit about his Andromeda Bookshop having closed down since printed books had become extinct. Rog would like a 200-point banner headline here, saying ANDROMEDA LIVES!, but space is tight as usual.... KEN SLATER is most grateful for the many letters and cards received from fans and customers after the sad death of Joyce Slater (they had been married since 1948). Understandably, he doesn't yet feel able to cope with personal replies to all this. MAUREEN KINCAID SPELLER breaks more bad news: `Ringpull have gone into voluntary liquidation, reasons unknown so far. I'm a creditor (about #300, which I suspect I won't see). I can't get to the creditors' meeting next week but am looking for a proxy who can, so we may find out more. [] One wonders of course what position this leaves Jeff Noon in. _Pollen_ is at the proof stage....' Review copies have appeared, though rather late. Ringpull had six-figure debts and was tipped over the edge by its instant book on footballer Eric Cantona -- which infringed the copyright of _Cantona: My Story_ and needed to be expensively reprinted. COLIN WILSON `has after nearly 20 years written a sequel to _The Space Vampires_. He's having difficulty finding a publisher to take it on -- it's 250,000 words long. Oddly enough, I think the vastness would add to its commercial potential, but then I'm not a (practising) publisher!' _(Paul Barnett)_ ### CONVALLAMARIN ### Until 7 May [] STAR TREK EXHIBITION, City Arts Centre, Edinburgh. #3.50 at door, #2 kids/unwaged. 10am-5:30pm Mon/Tue/Sat, 10am-9pm Wed/Thu/Fri, noon-5pm Sun. 13 Apr [] RINGPULL CREDITORS' MEETING, Stephen Conn & Co, 2nd Floor, 17 St Ann's Sq, Manchester, M2 7PW. 11am. 14-17 Apr [] CONFABULATION (Eastercon), Britannia International Hotel, London Docklands. No more mail registrations: #25 reg at Wellington on 6 April, #35 at door. Day memberships #10 Fri or Mon, #15 Sat or Sun. Supporting members can have 1 day free, or full membership at the door for #15. 20 Apr [] CLARKE AWARD presentation, The Conservatory pub. With Colin Greenland as MC. Doors open 6pm or so. 29-30 Apr [] BABCOM 95 (_Babylon 5_), NEC. Birmingham. Huge big event, assumed to be Significantly Non-Cheap. Contact 22 Reindeer Court, City Centre, Worcester, WR1 2DS. 14 May [] FANTASY FAIR, Cresset Exhibition Centre, Bretton, Peterborough. GoH Bryan Talbot, Stephen Gallagher. 10:30am-4pm. #1 admission. Contact 58 Pennington, Orton Goldhay, Peterborough, PE2 0RB. 17 May [] ROY LEWIS of _The Evolution Man_ fame gives a talk to Richmond Writers' Circle, 8pm: Room 14, Richmond Adult & Community College, Parkshot, Richmond, Surrey. All welcome. #1.00 at door. Directions: (01734) 876572. [JB] 14-15 Oct [] OCTOCON (Irish national event), Royal Marine Hotel, Dun Laoghaire, nr Dublin. #12 reg -- that's _Irish_ pounds. Contact (2xIRC) 30 S Circular Rd, Dublin 8, Ireland. 27-31 Oct [] WELCOME TO MY NIGHTMARE (horror part of UK Year of Literature Festival), Swansea. Details to follow. Contact 14 Druslyn Rd, West Cross, Swansea, SA3 5QQ. 3-5 Nov [] RECONTANIMETED, Grand Hotel, Birmingham, #16 reg (#21 from 1 May, #26 from 1 Nov). SAE to 13 Prescott Clo, Banbury, Oxon, OX16 0RD. 01295 256284. 2-3 Mar 96 [] MICROCON 16, Exeter Univ. Contact Darrel Manuel, Cornwall House, St German's Rd, Exeter, EX4 6TG. 5-8 Apr 96 [] EVOLUTION (Eastercon), Radisson Edwardian Hotel, near Heathrow. Fan GoHs announced: Paul Kincaid and Maureen Kincaid Speller. #20 reg _to 18 April -- _#24 thereafter. Contact 13 Lindfield Gdns, Hampstead, London, NW3 6PX. 24-7 May 96 [] INCONSISTENT aka Inconsequential V: third in the sf/humour con sequence (oh, these subtle fannish wits). `Somewhere in the Midlands.' #15 reg to end May 95. Contact Flat 1, 31 Saxon Rd, South Norwood, London, SE25 5EQ. _Rumblings_ [] MICROCON: GoH _Ramsey Campbell_ had fun searching the Exeter campus for this `most thoroughly concealed convention. The map on the back of the programme book had a pointer saying _You Are Here_ and indicating the middle of a pond. So I found some security guards and showed them the programme, and they hunted for ages through this list of the day's events -- and were suddenly inspired! "This would be the Morris Dancers' Buffet Lunch, right?"' Portrait of noted horror author nervously checking his trousers for small bells and ribbons. [] The Scottish Convention's latest scare has been the merry discovery that they were passing around virus-infected membership database disks. (`Am I the only person using an anti-virus program in the whole of the Indecision team?' writes a bemused Anon. `What are they all doing, sticking their heads in the sand and muttering "it'll never happen to me...?") Fearless co-chair _Martin Easterbrook_ wishes me to quash vile rumours, some of them emanating from the committee itself, that the Central (fan/party) Hotel was fully booked before any actual booking forms went out. Always glad to oblige, boss. ### INFINITELY IMPROBABLE ### `THIS ... REMARKABLE ... BOOK.' Mighty publisher Jim Baen plans a national US advertising campaign for Newt Gingrich's clunky, ghosted alternate-world sf novel _1945_. With characteristic scrupulous integrity, he's basing the publicity on quotes avowedly `taken a tiny, tiny bit out of context' from sarky comments on advance extracts. For example, the book's purple passage about a `pouting sex kitten' found `sitting athwart' the hero's chest provoked the critical dig, `This is an instant classic which will be draped athwart the Speaker's neck by his opponents in every election he runs in from now on.' You guessed it: Baen is quoting only the phrase `An instant classic!' ... and loudly expresses hopes of being sued for it, since `The only thing I'm missing is the publicity of a court action.' [CM/MJW] TIPTREE AWARD. Co-winners were Nancy Springer for _Larque on the Wing_ and Ursula Le Guin for `The Matter of Seggri' (in _Crank_) -- this being the first time the `gender-bending sf' award has gone to a short story. [LS] C.O.A. ETC. _Merf Adamson_ seeks fandom again after 15 years: 18 Asket Gdns, Oakwood, Leeds, LS8 2NW. _Sandra Bond_, Longfield, Worthing (Working? Watling? Oh, the joys of handwritten faxes) St, Gailey, Stafford, ST19 5PR. _Mike Glyer/File 770_, 145 E.Sierra Madre Bl., Apt.10, Sierra Madre, CA 91024, USA. _Andrew I.Porter_, man of dignity, wishes fans to put away childish things such as calling him `Andy'. Mr Porter is 49. SFX is a new magazine about sf (`mainly films and TV, but also books, comics, models, toys ...') -- out soon from Future Publishing in Bath, best known for their computer titles. Editor Matt Bielby; deputy editor Dave Golder. The usual suspects Barnett, Langford and Stableford are leaping aboard. FANFUNDERY. GUFF was decisively won by Ian Gunn and Karen Pender- Gunn with 87 first-preference votes (Kim Huett got 19, LynC 4, Hold Over Funds 4, No Pref 1). So they will attend THE SCOTTISH CONVENTION, poor things. [] TAFF deadline is 29 April: this month is your last chance to vote right, i.e. for Dan Steffan! [] DUFF: Pat and Roger Sims of Cincinnati won the subsidized DUFF trip from America to Thylacon, the 1995 Australian National Convention in Tasmania. AWARD SHORTLISTS. _Philip K.Dick:_ Alexander Becher, _Rim_; Jack Cady, _Inagehi_; Ian McDonald, _Scissors Cut Paper Wrap Stone_; Lisa Mason, _Summer of Love_; Lance Olsen, _Tonguing the Zeitgeist_; Robert Charles Wilson, _Mysterium_. [] _BSFA_ novel award: Iain M.Banks, _Feersum Endjinn_; Eric Brown, _Engineman_; Greg Egan, _Permutation City_; Gwyneth Jones, _North Wind_; Ian McDonald, _Necroville_. [] _Lancs County Library/Natwest Children's Book of the Year_ ... Garry Kilworth gloats over the shortlisting of his sf novel _The Electric Kid_. RANDOM FANDOM. _Andrew Bartmess_, fresh from complaining that the US Franklin Mint stole his _Star Trek_ 3D chess rules to go with their _Trek_ chess set, now reports even more bitterly that since he took legal action the Mint is wickedly short-changing purchasers by shipping sets _without_ his rules.... [] _Rob Hansen_, demon driver, had a brief but intense dispute with a steel post: his car lost and is off the road for an unknown period. [] _Michael J.Walsh_ of the World Fantasy Con despairs of fandom's sf awareness. As noted approvingly in _A91_, the WFC is nominally organized by The Baltimore Gun Club: far from remarking `Aha! Jules Verne!', fans tend to look blank or even become actively stroppy about the link with `some collection of gun nuts....' PUBLISHING FUN. I can hardly wait for _New York Smells_ by Caroline McKeldin (Oct): `The first and only scratch'n'sniff (interactive) postcard book of New York City ... pictures (and smells of): a pretzel vendor, flowers on Park Avenue, Lady Liberty (complete with a smelly Hudson River), the garlic smells of Little Italy, the smell of hanging ducks in Chinatown, Stadium hot dogs, Deli pickles ... hay from a horse- drawn buggy, racks of fresh bagels, the pungent odor from the Fulton Fish market and exhaust fumes from the interminable traffic jams.' [DH] Inspiration for a scratch'n'sniff fanzine here: the choking fumes surrounding Abigail Frost, the rich ambience of Greg Pickersgill's beard, the chocolate whiff exuding from Pam Wells, the ancient musty reek from within Ian Sorensen's wallet, the confidence-compelling pheromones of any Intersection board member.... ABORIGINAL SF, that peculiarly named US sf magazine, has suspended publication and is returning submissions unread. However, editor Charles Ryan hints at rescue plans. [SFC] WIRED UK carries Charles Platt's searing account of how he competed in a high-profile Turing test with $100,000 offered for an AI program that convinced the judges it was a real person. None did, but by a cunning strategy of `being moody, irritable and obnoxious', Charles emerged as the `most human human' in the test (prize: a nice bronze medal). For next year's competition, AI programmers will surely take the hint and make their creations rude and annoying ... Artificial Platt. SCIENCE WEEK featured a panel on `Are writers demonizing the new genetics?' _Jonathan Cowie_ pukes: `Very limp and poorly organized. The writers were Maureen Duffy (_Gorsaga_) and Stephen Gallagher (_Chimera_) ... I was surprised Paul McAuley was not there, or other sf writers we know and love: were they even asked? The presentations were what you would have expected at an sf con 15 years ago, with discussion tied up in that old undergraduate chestnut "what is the responsibility of scientists to society for their science" (analogous to a con panel getting bogged down on defining sf). There was no speaker co-ordination: later speakers lamented that what they planned to say had been covered. References to sf were virtually limited to _Frankenstein_, H.G.Wells, Michael Crichton ... and the works of Duffy and Gallagher. The Q&A session saw a steady trickle from the auditorium to the pub. Conclusions? There were none. Not worth the #10 ticket.' REVELATIONS. A convivial _Ramsey Campbell_ was asked at Microcon which UK editor caused him such pain with the first version of his novel _The Claw_ (see Afterword in the 1992 reissue). `Wild horses would not make me admit it was Rosie Cheetham,' he declared staunchly. Thog's Masterclass. `Satisfied at seeing all of them go down, one by one, through his keyhole, Morgan, fully dressed but wearing only his socks, eased out of his room and down to Green's.' (Jack Chalker, `Now Falls the Cold, Cold Night', _Alternate Presidents_) _David Bratman_ wishes to explain: `Nudism and the ability to squeeze through keyholes are features of Chalker's alternate 1856 not otherwise discussed in the story' [] `Her languid arms reached up for him, her nipples curled convulsively.' (Paul Di Filippo, `Distributed Mind', _Interzone 94_ ... spung!) `The soundless thrum of maneuvering thrusters rumbled through the jumpship's deck like a dragon's purr.' (Julia Ecklar, `The Human Animal', _Analog_ 4/95) A92 CORRECTION.-- _Patrick Nielsen Hayden_ explains the Nebulas: `No, the tie was for fourth place, resulting in six Nebula nominees. Then the jury added an additional nominee, as they almost always do -- for a total of seven. In fact, noting which works were on the preliminary ballot, it's pretty obvious that the jury's addition was _Temporary Agency_.' FIFTEEN YEARS AGO ... _Brian Aldiss_ soared to fame in _Private Eye_'s `Pseuds Corner' when he wrote of James Joyce: `this Torquemada of tale-telling began as an insipid poet: _Lean out of the window / Goldenhair, / I heard you singing / A merry air._ Whether or not the first word was a misprint for "leap " has been disputed.' (_Ansible 25_, April 1980.) ### GEEKS' CORNER ### _Ansible's_ electronic supplement.... To receive _Ansible_ monthly via e-mail,send a message with the single word SUBSCRIBE to: ansible-request@dcs.gla.ac.uk Please send a corresponding UNSUBSCRIBE to resign from this list if you weary of it or are about to change e-addresses; don't send such requests to me, as I don't maintain the list. BACK ISSUES AVAILABLE: FTP: ftp://ftp.dcs.gla.ac.uk/pub/SF-Archives/Ansible Gopher: gopher://gopher.dcs.gla.ac.uk/pub/SF-Archives/Ansible Web: http://www.dcs.gla.ac.uk/SF-Archives/Ansible (Thanks as always to _Naveed Khan_ for all this.) THE NETTED STARS British SF Association (general enquiries), bsfa@ansible.demon.co.uk Confabulation, confab@moose.demon.co.uk Janice Murray (_Ansible_ US agent), 73227.2641@compuserve.com Octocon, mmmchugh@tcd.ie THE SCOTTISH CONVENTION, intersection@smof.demon.co.uk Alan Stewart (_Ansible_ Aussie agent), s#alanjs@eduserv.its.unimelb.EDU.AU Chris Terran and BSFA _Matrix_, terran@cityscape.co.uk Pam Wells, Vacuous-Tart@bitch.demon.co.uk THE SPIDER STRIKES _Ansible_ ... as above `Dark Side of the Web', with horror, Gothic and assorted stuff, http://www.cascade.net/darkweb.html Evolution, http://www.tardis.ed.ac.uk/~simon/evolve/ Octocon, http://arrogant.itc.icl.ie/OctoCon.html. THE SCOTTISH CONVENTION, http://www.dcs.gla.ac.uk/intersection Worldcon bids round-up by Chaz Baden, ftp://ftp.netcom.com/pub/ha/hazel/www/bids.html CHUCH HARRIS PONDERS NET NICKNAME. `I've been thinking for hours about this ... if Charrisma is still open grab hold of it quickly, "an extraordinary degree of artistic genius" sums me up pretty well. If it has already been taken, how about "Charrismatic" (would I be recognizable as "communal worship and the gift of speaking in tongues"?), Chuchy, Chucksaway (the ancient aviator), Chuchmilitant, Churly, or even Charriscuro -- which isn't in my Collins but is swilling around in my mind as some sort of painting technique, and is undoubtedly spelt differently.' Before many more weeks we hope Mr Harris will be running riot on the net as ... charrisma@cix.compulink.co.uk. Thanks again to all Harris Net Fund contributors! All is ready -- computer, modem, net account, etc -- but there is a slight hitch in transporting the equipment from here in Reading to Harris Towers in Daventry. First designated chauffeur Rob Hansen damaged his car (as above; now repaired, 7 April), and now there's a rash of conflicting events beginning with the UK Eastercon.... Ansible 93 Copyright (c) Dave Langford, 1995. Thanks to John Bark, Paul Barnett, David V.Barrett, SF Chronicle, Cuddles, Diane Duane, David Hartwell, Colin Murray, Patrick Nielsen Hayden, Chris Priest, David Pringle, Lucy Sussex, Michael J.Walsh, Dave Wood, Martin Morse Wooster and our Hero Distributors: Janice Murray (NA), SCIS, Alan Stewart (Oz), Martin Tudor and Bridget Wilkinson (FATW). 6 Apr 95 David Langford ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk From ansible-list-dist-request@dcs.gla.ac.uk Fri May 5 14:43:26 1995 Received: from vanuata.dcs.gla.ac.uk (vanuata.dcs.gla.ac.uk [130.209.240.50]) by bar.palantiri.spb.su (8.6.8/8.6.12) with ESMTP id OAA06614 for Resent-Message-Id: <199505051043.OAA06614@bar.palantiri.spb.su> Message-Id: <199505051043.OAA06614@bar.palantiri.spb.su> Received: from dcs.gla.ac.uk by vanuata.dcs.gla.ac.uk id <06054-0@vanuata.dcs.gla.ac.uk>; Fri, 5 May 1995 09:55:10 +0100 From: ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk (David Langford) Subject: Ansible 94 [long] Date: Fri, 5 May 95 09:53 BST-1 To: ansible-admin@dcs.gla.ac.uk Old-Resent-From: ansible-admin@dcs.gla.ac.uk Errors-To: ansible-admin@dcs.gla.ac.uk Approved: ansible-admin@dcs.gla.ac.uk Resent-Date: Fri, 5 May 1995 09:55:10 +0100 Resent-From: mail@dcs.gla.ac.uk Resent-To: ansible-list-dist@dcs.gla.ac.uk ANSIBLE 94 MAY 1995 From DAVE LANGFORD, 94 London Road, Reading, Berkshire, RG1 5AU, UK. Fax 01734 669914. ISSN 0265-9816. E-mail ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk. Available for SAE or used sevagrams. [NET NOTE. Please see the last section for subscribe/unsubscribe information: such requests should NOT be sent to my personal e-mail address. DRL] CONFABULATION. The first Eastercon in London Docklands was overshadowed by the weirdly science-fictional tower of Canary Wharf, its pointy top exuding strange vapours and blinking with strobe-lights. Most appropriately surreal conversation there: Peter Weston (Man of Wealth) fantasizing about buying _Interzone_ for his very own and making Sweeping Changes.... Guests: Bob Shaw revived his Serious Scientific Talks, Lois McMaster Bujold revealed plans to film her Vorkosigan stories (leading to an instant, discreditable rumour from Bob Day that Arnold Schwarzenegger would inevitably play Miles), and Roger Robinson, not content with doing a nifty booklet of the past Shaw talks, casually raised another #4,000 for RNIB Talking Books. All this was footnoted far more wittily than I could hope to phrase it in the con newsletter, appropriately named _Moose Droppings_. There was also a many-splendoured programme, but I was in the bar at the time. ### SIXTY HORSES WEDGED IN CHIMNEY ### STEPHEN BAXTER stared pre-publication pulping in the face, but now writes with relief: `I've come to an agreement with the H.G.Wells estate over approval for my _Time Machine_ sequel _The Time Ships_. The estate approved publication in return for a modest share of the proceeds, and so the huge pulping machines have been turned back from HarperCollins's Glasgow warehouse. The launch will now go ahead, about a month late....' DAVID DRAKE knows all about the ghosted Newt Gingrich sf epic to be published by Jim Baen: `I can tell you about _1945_, if you're interested. At this point it's a pretty good book. On a scale from Tom Clancy (because he defines the genre) at 100 and the sort of series adventure Gold Eagle was publishing a few years ago (it's publishable because somebody published it) at 0, I give the current draft an 85. A previous draft (slightly cleaned up before being excerpted in the press packets) was a 55 in my opinion. (My opinion didn't thrill Jim.)' CHRIS PRIEST was an emergency guest at Freicon in Freiburg, at mere hours' notice, after illness prevented both Fred Pohl and Walter Ernsting (75) of _Perry Rhodan_ fame.... `A great time was had by all. We saved their bacon ("we" means that Joe and Gay Haldeman rushed over at the last minute too), and the Germans were extra-appreciative. Joe and Gay had just come home to Florida from the Nebula banquet, tipped the dirty clothes into the washing machine ... and found the fax message. They sat and watched the washing go round, then tipped the clean clothes back into the suitcases and went straight back to the airport! Freicon was an excellent small national con; maybe 100 attendees. Beautiful city by the Black Forest as advertised, clean, busy and cheerful....' Just one moment of Priestly bogglement: `One of the other US writers they had invited turned out to have been Harlan, and if he'd said yes I wouldn't have known about him until too late.' DAVID PRINGLE announces: `Rumours have been flying around that _Interzone_ has lost its Arts Council grant and is in danger of ceasing publication. Not true: we have an ongoing grant of #4,380 per annum. Issue 96 is at the printers, and we are planning ahead to a splendid #100. A J.G.Ballard 65th birthday issue is scheduled for #104, to coincide with his long-awaited non-fiction collection _A User's Guide to the Millennium_ in early 1996. So ceasing publication is not on the agenda. What may have started the rumours is my circular letter to _Interzone_'s 100 lifetime subscribers, reporting withdrawal symptoms from Incentive Funding grants received in 1991-93, and arrears with payments to our printer.... I appealed for them to donate a little more to help clear that debt. This appeal has been a great success, and so far has raised over #4,000. The printer arrears should not unduly alarm anyone -- that's the way things normally work! Because some new subscribers gained through big subscription drives (paid for by Incentive Funding) have flaked away, the arrears had recently grown by a bit more than we could feel comfortable with. Now we have reduced them substantially, thanks to the kind generosity of many individual lifetime subscribers. We owe not a penny to the bank (and never have done, in 13 years of publication) and are paying no interest. Publishing _Interzone_ has always been a tough slog, financially, and it no doubt always will be. We soldier on: and point to our 13 years and 95 issues as proof that we mean business. Currently, other plans are being laid for boosting the magazine, and I feel very optimistic about our prospects. So don't believe rumours: it's onwards and upwards to the year 2001!' KIRSTY WATT of Ringpull is worried that easily confused fans might have got the wrong impression from a perfectly routine liquidation, creditors' meeting and bankruptcy: `Despite rumours to the contrary Ringpull are still very much alive. We did, in fact, go bankrupt last week -- the financial kick from the Cantona book affair _[see A93]_ was, unfortunately, too much for the Company to bear and we had no option but to call in the receivers. [] But this week Ringpull is delighted to announce that we are joining Fourth Estate and are taking with us a number of Ringpull authors, including Jeff Noon. We shall be based in a new Fourth Estate office in Manchester and will continue to produce exciting and vigorous fiction. [] You shall continue to see the Ringpull logo on the shelves as Fourth Estate wish to keep the Ringpull imprint with it's own distinctive identity. All editorial and publicity shall continue to be co-ordinate from Manchester while Fourth Estate have responsibility for sales, distribution and marketing.' [26 April, _sic_] PAUL WILLIAMS, the expert on (and literary executor of) Philip K.Dick, and founder of _Crawdaddy_, suffered severe skull injuries in an Easter bike accident. Two small pieces of luck: an ambulance came in 5 minutes thanks to a witness with a cellphone, and a fortnight earlier Paul had bought health insurance for the first time. For a while he could communicate only by signs, but he is now able to speak at least occasionally. [PNH] ### CONGROID ### 8 May [] JOHN GRANT signing party at Dillons, Exeter, 2-5pm. `FREE WINE'N'CHEESE!' the famous author adds irresistibly. 14 May [] FANTASY FAIR, Cresset Exhibition Centre, Bretton, Peterborough. 10:30am-4pm. #1 admission. Contact 58 Pennington, Orton Goldhay, Peterborough, PE2 0RB. 17 May [] ROY LEWIS (_The Evolution Man_) talk, 8pm: Room 14, Richmond Adult & Community Coll, Parkshot, Richmond, Surrey. All welcome. #1.00 at door. Info: (01734) 876572. 24 May [] BSFA, Jubilee pub, York Rd, London (nr Waterloo). Upstairs room, 7pm. Hard sf panel with Steve Baxter. 27-28 May [] ALBION (_Robin of Sherwood_), Northampton Moat House Hotel. Contact (SAE) 14 Judith Rd, Kettering, Northants, NN16 0NX. 26-9 May 95 [] MASQUE IV (costuming) ... CANCELLED. Too few members and not enough money, apparently: all fees are being returned. Contact 20 Westhall St, Brighton, BN1 3RR. 27-29 May [] SOL III (_Trek_), Norbreck Castle Hotel, Blackpool. Contact 39 Dersingham Ave, Manor Pk, London, E12. 24-5 Jun [] INTERCEPTION, Hertfordpark Hotel, Stevenage: Scottish Convention staff weekend (non-staff also welcome). Explores the awesome theme: `Oh God, Less Than Nine Weeks Left!' Hotel #21.50/night. Contact address: as Intersection. 1 Jul [] HYPOTHETICON (sf/gaming), Central Hotel, Glasgow. Contact 10 Atlas Rd, Springburn, Glasgow, G21 4TE. 11-13 Jul [] SPEAKING SCIENCE FICTION, U of Liverpool conference. #130 inc hotel. Contact Andy Sawyer, SF Foundation, Sydney Jones Library, PO Box 123, Liverpool, L69 3DA. 15-17 Jul [] CONUNDRUM (_Trek_), Hospitality Inn, Glasgow. #35 reg (#40 at door). Contact (SAE) PO Box 1598, Rutherglen, Glasgow, G73 4HS. 19-20 Aug [] PRECURSOR, probably in Leicester: `fannish relaxacon', a pre-Worldcon party to welcome overseas fans (especially for Brits unable to afford The Scottish Convention). Contact 144 Plashet Grove, East Ham, London, E6 1AB. 24-8 Aug [] The Scottish Convention (Worldcon), SECC, Glasgow. Now #90 reg, #100 at door. No advance memberships after 22 July. Contact Intersection, Admail 336, Glasgow, G2 1BR. Only three more _Ansible_s before the big day.... 17-19 Nov [] ARMADACON, Astor Hotel, The Hoe, Plymouth. #20 reg. GoH John Brunner and others. Contact 4 Gleneagle Ave, Mannamead, Plymouth, Devon, PL3 5HL. (01752) 267873. 2-4 Feb 96 [] OBLITER-8 (8th UK filk con), Forte Crest Hotel, Milton Keynes. #20 reg, until the end of Intersection. Contact 212 Albert Road, Leyton, London, E10 6PD. 28-31 Mar 97 [] INTERVENTION (Eastercon), Adelphi Hotel, Liverpool. GoH: Brian Aldiss, David Langford (blimey) and Robert Silverberg. #20 reg; cheques to `Wincon'. Contact 12 Crowsbury Close, Emsworth, Hants, PO10 7TS. ? Oct 97 [] WORLD FANTASY CON, London. No venue details. A #30 `special Supporting Rate ... until at least 1 June 1995' reserves your membership, with the vast undisclosed balance to be paid later. Contact PO Box 31, Whitby, N.Yorks, YO22 4YL. _Rumblings_ [] MICROCON aftermath: `Jane [Barnett], Microcon Advertising Dept, received a solicitation from _The Dark Side_: for a mere #170+VAT she can place an ad for a convention that happened two months ago! With _TDS_ came the sister magazine, _Scream Queens_, which consists largely of pictures of female horror-porn actresses you've never heard of straining to reveal to view the contents of their wombs. A letter to the advertising manager is in the pipeline: "Dear Sir, I think you may not know that I am a 17-year-old feminist...."' [PB] [] BABCOM '95 `was indeed "significantly non-cheap" at #20/day, although the guests put in fine performances and were considered OK value for money. It wasn't clear why the promoters had populated the dealers' area with unfortunates trying to sell crayon renditions of the _Enterprise_, while failing to notice that there was that Babbling-wossname show around for which the admirably sparse merchandise happened to include a recently-released first novel and soundtrack CD. Some early arrival presumably picked up both copies of each of these rumoured to have been on sale. As for the NEC itself, I don't think I'd go there again if I were interested in atmosphere (hangar), acoustics (what?), food (_how_ much?) or bars (shut). Take your own beer....' [DH] A special Heroic Public Suicide award went to Danny John-Jules of _Red Dwarf_ for twice addressing a _Babylon 5_ con without ever having seen the show. ### INFINITELY IMPROBABLE ### TAFF: after much toil over white-hot fax machines, _Dan Steffan_ emerges as 1995 TAFF delegate from America to The Scottish Convention. The initial first-place votes (NA/Euro/Other) were: Samanda b Jeude 124/18/2, Dan Steffan 100/51/3, Joe Wesson 46/9/4, No Preference 7/1/0, Hold Over Funds nil. Successive eliminations and reallocation of transferable votes led to SbJ 156, DS 180, HoF 19 -- an overall majority for Dan. (Reallocating HoF gives SbJ 162, DS 188.) Quite a close race. [JB/AJF] C.O.A. _Simon Bisson_, 18 High St, Twerton, Bath, BA2 1BZ. _Jenny & Steve Glover_, 24 Laverockbank Road, Trinity, Edinburgh, Scotland, EH5 3DE. _Mike Glyer_ (tiny update), PO Box 1056, Sierra Madre, CA 91205-4056, USA. _Tom Perry_ (yet again), 28 Sandpiper Lane, Crawfordville, FL 32327, USA. GEORGE E.CHALLENGER'S MYSTERIOUS WORLD is the third of Marcus Rowland's _Forgotten Futures_ `period sf' role-playing rules and sourcebooks issued as shareware on disk. There's also a `Forgotten Futures Library' of weird out-of-copyright articles and arcana. Info: 22 Westbourne Pk Villas, London, W2 5EA. DOWN DEEP (jocularly known as _Down Under Visions_) has been drawn to my attention as a coming anthology of the very finest in Australian sf, edited by Terry Dowling and Harlan Ellison. It has been accepting stories since 1983, but.... ### GLITTERING PYRITES ### Pat Cadigan became the first two-time winner of the ARTHUR C.CLARKE novel award, receiving this year's #1,000 for _Fools_. In the usual exclusive interview she cried, `Langford, you dog.' (`So,' said David Garnett ominously, `5 times out of 9, the Clarke has been won by a person of N.American origin and of the female persuasion.' Who is this person? How can we stop her?) Greg Bear's _Moving Mars_ won the NEBULA for best novel, and Damon Knight was named a SFWA Grand Master. Other Nebulas: Mike Resnick, `Seven Views of Olduvai Gorge' (novella); David Gerrold, `The Martian Child' (novelette); Martha Soukup, `A Defense of the Social Contracts' (short). The PHILIP K.DICK judges chose Robert Charles Wilson's _Mysterium_ as best original US sf paperback. Iain M.Banks bagged the BSFA novel award for _Feersum Endjinn_ (runner-up Greg Egan, _Permutation City_). Other winners: Paul Di Filippo, `The Double Felix' (short; runner-up Brian Stableford, `Les Fleurs Du Mal'); Jim Burns's _Interzone 79_ cover (art). FAN ACHIEVEMENT AWARDS (voted at Corflu, USA) -- fanzine _Blat!_, fanwriter Andy Hooper, and fanartist Dan Steffan. CONFABULATION once again: Doc Weir award for towering splendidness, Bernie Evans; Ken McIntyre award for fan art, Dave Harwood (_Attitude 2_ cover); the `Eastercon awards' were dropped. HUGO shortlist ... NOVEL John Barnes, _Mother of Storms_; Michael Bishop, _Brittle Innings_; Lois McMaster Bujold, _Mirror Dance_; Nancy Kress, _Beggars and Choosers_; James Morrow, _Towing Jehovah_. NOVELLA Michael Bishop, `Cri de Coeur'; Michael J.Flynn, `Melodies of the Heart'; Ursula K.Le Guin, `Forgiveness Day'; Mike Resnick, `Seven Views of Olduvai Gorge'; Brian Stableford, `Les Fleurs Du Mal'. NOVELETTE Greg Egan, `Cocoon'; David Gerrold, `The Martian Child'; Geoffrey A.Landis, `The Singular Habits of Wasps'; Ursula K.Le Guin, `Solitude' _and_ `The Matter of Seggri'; Mike Resnick, `A Little Knowledge'. SHORT M.Shayne Bell, `Mrs Lincoln's China'; Terry Bisson, `Dead Man's Curve'; Joe Haldeman, `None So Blind'; Barry Malzberg, `Understanding Entropy'; Mike Resnick, `Barnaby in Exile'; Kate Wilhelm, `I Know What You're Thinking'. NONFICTION Isaac Asimov, _I, Asimov: a Memoir_; Cathy Burnett/Arnie Fenner, _Spectrum: the Best in Contemporary Fantastic Art_; Samuel R. Delany, _Silent Interviews: On Language, Race, Sex, Science Fiction and Some Comics_ [not _Silent Interviewing_ as on ballot]; Teresa Nielsen Hayden, _Making Book_; Christopher Priest, _The Book on the Edge of Forever_. DRAMATIC `All Good Things' (_ST:TNG_), _Interview with the Vampire_, _The Mask_, _Stargate_, _Star Trek: Generations_. EDITOR Ellen Datlow, Gardner Dozois, Mike Resnick, Kristine Kathryn Rusch, Stanley Schmidt. ARTIST Jim Burns, Thomas Canty, Bob Eggleton, Don Maitz, Michael Whelan. ARTWORK Brian Froud/Terry Jones, _Lady Cottington's Pressed Fairy Book_; Michael Koelsch, _Gun, With Occasional Music_ cover; Michael Whelan, _Foreigner_ cover. SEMIPROZINE _Interzone_, _Locus_, _New York Review of SF_, _SF Chronicle_, _Tomorrow Speculative Fiction_. FANZINE _Ansible_, _File 770_, _Habakkuk_, _Lan's Lantern_, _Mimosa_. FAN WRITER Sharon Farber, Mike Glyer, Andy Hooper, Dave Langford, Evelyn C.Leeper. FAN ARTIST Brad W.Foster, Teddy Harvia, Linda Michaels, Peggy Ranson, Bill Rotsler. JOHN W.CAMPBELL AWARD Linda Dunn, David Feintuch, Daniel Marcus, Jeff Noon, Felicity Savage. HUGO FEETNOTE. 477 ballots were cast. Ties led to the 6 Novelette and Short Story finalists; only 3 Artwork items appeared on the necessary 5% of ballots in that category. Best Music was cancelled owing to `marked lack of interest ... only one nominated item received more than 7 nominations'. [M&DM] Loud noises of `We told you so!' are predicted from WSFS business meeting pundits who kept saying a Music category wasn't viable. Instead, `there should be more categories relevant to contemporary sci-fi,' grumbles _David Garnett_. `Best _Star Trek_ novel, for example, and best sequel to a book by a dead author....' THOG'S MASTERCLASS. `Laurent had not gasped or cried out. But Laurent's cock was bobbing uncontrollably. Tristan was in the same transparently miserable state, yet he looked, as ever, quietly majestic.' (Anne Rice, _Beauty's Release_, 1985.) ### GEEKS' CORNER ### To receive _Ansible_ monthly via e-mail, send a message with the single word SUBSCRIBE to: ansible-request@dcs.gla.ac.uk Please send a corresponding UNSUBSCRIBE to resign from this list if you weary of it or are about to change e-addresses; don't send such requests to me, as I don't maintain the list. BACK ISSUES AVAILABLE: FTP: ftp://ftp.dcs.gla.ac.uk/pub/SF-Archives/Ansible Gopher: gopher://gopher.dcs.gla.ac.uk/pub/SF-Archives/Ansible Web: http://www.dcs.gla.ac.uk/SF-Archives/Ansible (Thanks as always to _Naveed Khan_ for all this.) WHERE IT'S @ _Attitude_: The Fanzine Most Recently Denounced By Chris Bell, Attitude@bitch.demon.co.uk or jgd@cix.compulink.co.uk British SF Association (general enquiries), bsfa@ansible.demon.co.uk Interception, fiona@intersec.demon.co.uk Intervention (Eastercon 1997), interven@pompey.demon.co.uk Janice Murray (_Ansible_ US agent), 73227.2641@compuserve.com The Mexicon Hat, Mex_Hat@bitch.demon.co.uk Obliter-8, obliter8@oreos.demon.co.uk The Scottish Convention, intersection@smof.demon.co.uk Alan Stewart (_Ansible_ Aussie agent), s#alanjs@eduserv.its.unimelb.EDU.AU Chris Terran and BSFA _Matrix_, terran@cityscape.co.uk Pam Wells, Vacuous_Tart@bitch.demon.co.uk _Ansible_ grovels to Pam Wells following the Great Hardware Disaster of Issue 93 ... which, when reconstructed from a damaged file, emerged with a hyphen replacing the underscore in the all-important `Vacant_Torte' part of her e-address. THE SPIDER MOVES IN _Ansible_ ... as above European SF Society, http://www.metu.edu.tr/~wwwsffs/esfs/esfsmain.html Evolution (Eastercon 1996), http://www.tardis.ed.ac.uk/~simon/evolve/ Klingon Language Institute (oh God), http://www.kli.org Laurie Mann's interesting sf/fan links, http://www.lm.com/~lmann/hot/sf.html Octocon (minute correction), http://arrogant.itc.icl.ie/OctoCon.html The Scottish Convention, http://www.dcs.gla.ac.uk/intersection Worldcon bids round-up by Chaz Baden, ftp://ftp.netcom.com/pub/ha/hazel/www/bids.html POLICY BIT. Rather than feebly try to duplicate other and better web resources, I'm listing new and/or vaguely interesting sites according to personal whim. Major British conventions will appear here regularly. For serious worldwide sf/fan coverage you are commended to Laurie Mann's excellent clearing-house pages. HUGO SECRETS. Intersection seemingly did not prepare its own e-mail release of the nominations; the one first seen on Usenet was typed by plucky Patrick Nielsen Hayden from a barely legible fourth-generation fax -- hence the spurious `Ian Burns' for `Jim Burns'. This release also omitted one of Ursula Le Guin's novelette nominees, `Solitude'. Martin Easterbrook, famous Scottish Convention co-chair, apparently found this version on the net and recirculated it (uncorrected) to the committee list server, thus giving Ian Burns a quasi-official status.... Meanwhile, spies inform me that Shoemaker-Levy 9 was not ruled ineligible for Best Dramatic Presentation but merely failed to get enough votes. AND FINALLY ... is it a tiny landmark in Hugo history that Chris Priest's Hugo-nominated _The Book on the Edge of Forever_ had its entire text (in a negligibly different version) freely available on the net before publication in book format? It's still out there: FTP site: ftp.dcs.gla.ac.uk Path: /pub/SF-Archives/Misc/Last_Deadloss_Visions-Chris.Priest Ansible 94 Copyright (c) Dave Langford, 1995. Thanks to Paul Barnett, Jeanne Bowman, Cuddles, Abigail Frost, David Hipple, Roz Kaveney, Mike & Debby Moir, Patrick Nielsen Hayden, Chris Priest, Jilly Reed, Chris Terran, Thog, and our Hero Distributors: Janice Murray (NA), SCIS, Alan Stewart (Oz), Martin Tudor and Bridget Wilkinson (FATW). 4 May 95 David Langford ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk ANSIBLE 95 JUNE 1995 From DAVE LANGFORD, 94 London Road, Reading, Berkshire, RG1 5AU, UK. Fax 01734 669914. ISSN 0265-9816. E-mail ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk. Available for SAE or Maltese Falcon. [NET NOTE. Please see the last section for subscribe/unsubscribe information: such requests should NOT be sent to my personal e-mail address. DRL] _SFX_, `the hot new sf magazine', published its first, June-dated issue in May. No fiction appears and the coverage is chiefly of media sf (David Pringle can breathe again), though there's a suitably eccentric joint interview with Iain Banks and Iain M.Banks. A weird launch party was held in `Jim Henson's The Creature Shop', Camden Town, inside a disco-lit and smoke-clouded indoor marquee decorated with special effects from _Dr Who_, _Alien_, _Neverending Story_, _Dark Crystal_, etc. Here a Robocop clone prowled the huge crowd firing a VERY NOISY gun, while lady guests complained that the wandering Dalek was taking personal liberties with its plunger. Thanks to a mysterious sponsorship deal, there was a wide choice of either bottled Czech lager or Smirnoff vodka served by drag queens. Millions of famous media folk went unrecognized by me; my one brief chat with _SFX_ deputy editor Dave Golder was rapidly broken up by a PR person dragging him away to -- as he later put it -- `do my duties with Peter Davison (which was hideous -- he was in a foul mood).' Ever- watchful Mary Branscombe also names names: `I saw Jon Pertwee leave with a full bottle of vodka very early on, after he told the Dalek to sod off.' Written-SF luminaries included John Clute, Mike Scott Rohan, Dick Jude (`What have you written about Forbidden Planet _this_ time, Langford you bastard?'), and, er, that's about it. We never worked out who all the people in _Star Trek_ uniforms were. Why doesn't _Interzone_ hold parties like this? ### R.I.P. ### BRIAN ALDISS on CHARLES MONTEITH (1921-1995): `The Tibetans have just chosen a new Panchen Lama by "a system of dreams and visions". By such a system, maybe, Charles Monteith was chosen to be a perfect publisher. He joined Faber & Faber in 1954, eventually to become chairman of the company. Charles had bagged double Firsts in English and Law at Oxford; not only was he brilliant, he was highly amusing and hospitable. And he liked sf. A big man in every way. [] He wrote to me in the year he arrived at Faber, inviting me to do a book, my first: _The Brightfount Diaries_, a social comedy which met with some success. When he asked me what I was going to do for an encore, I told him I was writing a science fiction novel -- _Non-Stop_. `Good,' said Charles, possibly the only publisher who would have said Good at that time. But Charles was friendly with Kingsley Amis and Bruce Montgomery (`Edmund Crispin'), and was publishing the latter's superb _Best SF_ series. He also published the early William Goldings -- Bill regarded himself as an sf writer at this time -- and John Bowen, among others. Soon he took on other sf writers, Edmund Cooper, James Blish, Clifford Simak, and Harry Harrison, thereby proving to the dimmer fraternity that sf was a commercially viable field of publishing. Much is owed to his perception and enthusiasm. [] It was a privilege to be published by the ever-genial Charles, and to meet Sir Geoffrey Faber, another sf buff, and T.S.Eliot, as well as all the Faber poets. I parted company with the firm only when my agent advised it, owing to Faber's reluctance regarding _Billion Year Spree_. [] What Charles and I had in common was that we had both read _Modern Boy_ in the 30s, and were slaves to the stories of Captain Justice by Murray Roberts; also, we had both served in Burma, where Charles was severely wounded. The wound dogged him for the rest of his life, contributing to his death in May. In today's publishing rat-race, I know only one other publisher who at all resembles the majestic and amusing Charles Monteith.' _(Later Monteith discoveries of note included Christopher Priest and Garry Kilworth.)_ GREGORY BENFORD on long-time US fan NORM CLARKE: `[He] died March 29 in Ottawa, Canada, age 64. Noted local jazz saxophonist of the skree-honk school, well known as fannish wit. Founding member of Lilapa _[mid-60s]_, baseball fan, not well educated but well read. Survivors are daughters Jennifer and Laura, ex-wife Gina, two brothers & a sister. Last I saw Norm was when he visited us at MIT (I on sabbatical) 1993, and we took in a Sox game and drank a lot. He died of kidney failure, I believe.' _Benfordian footnote:_ `Lilapa lives on, robustly. I am still a fan, in an APA, contribute regularly to fmz, went to Corflu this year, will be at worldcon. See you there. Once a fan....' DAVID V.BARRETT sadly reports: `CHRISTOPHER HODDER-WILLIAMS, author of _Chain Reaction_, _The Main Experiment_, _The Egg-Shaped Thing_, _Fistful of Digits_, _98.4_, _Coward's Paradise_ and many other novels, most of them sf, died of a heart attack on 15 May (following a long illness). He was 69.... I worked with him on the MSS of a number of novels since 1983, and had been acting as his agent for the most recent, _Schizorama_, about a schizophrenic and "care in the community".' THE 8TH EARL OF CLANCARTY, famous for UFO books under the byline Brinsley Le Poer Trench (his actual name, minus an initial `William Francis'), died in May aged 83. Perhaps his finest hour was the 1979 House of Lords UFO debate, whose transcript in _Hansard_ sold out on the following day.... CHARLOTTE FRANKE (1935-95), for many years a stalwart of the UK Milford sf conferences, died in Germany this May. [DG] ### SECRET SHARERS ### BRIAN ALDISS had immense fun with his recent `Time Capsule caper': the sixth form of West Buckland school on Exmoor was mobilized with metal detectors to locate the biscuit tin of `raunchy tales' nervously buried there by the great man while himself a hand-reared pupil, over 50 years ago. News coverage extended as far as the _Peebles Observer_, the Hong Kong press and Radio 4: the reported raunch-level of the `saucy stories' varied considerably from paper to paper. `I now hope to sell the stories to the nation,' says Mr Aldiss in an exclusive fax. `Would take anything between ten grand and a million....' JOHN CLUTE's _Look at the Evidence_, his second mighty collection of sf `reviews and stuff, mainly 1987-92', will be co-published by Serconia Press (USA) and Liverpool University Press here ... another happy indication of Liverpool U's `growing attentiveness to sf general,' beams John. The book features an exhilarating rant about editorial malpractice at what JC is not alone in reckoning the world's worst professional outlet for sf/fantasy reviews: the _Times Literary Supplement_. JULIAN FLOOD has stepped into Rob Holdstock's long-vacated shoes -- writing scenarios and fiction for the _Elite_ computer game, reincarnated as _Frontier_. JF brags of pillaging countless fictional sources including, at length, a Langford story called `Blit': `this isn't ripoff, old chap, this is respectful quoting....' DIANA WYNNE JONES underwent four hours of emergency spinal surgery on Monday evening (29 May), and in two days was sufficiently recovered to display `a filthy temper'. She apparently has only two unreconstructed vertebrae left.... [DVB/CB] GARRY KILWORTH broke down under our ruthless lack of questioning and repeatedly admitted that his novel _The Electric Kid_ has won the Children's Book of the Year Award, sponsored by NatWest (so _that_'s what they do with my bank charges) and voted on by children. The book is `currently being translated into American, with esoteric words such as "perhaps" being changed to "maybe"....' [DG] BRIAN STABLEFORD's _Interzone 95_ review(s) originally contained some nasty remarks about David Garnett's _Stargonauts_, removed (by agreement) to spare DG's feelings -- except that editor Pringle thoughtfully read that bit over the phone to DG. ### CONSPERSION ### 3 Jun [] PAT CADIGAN holds court at The Conservatory (London), 12:30. 6 Jun [] H.G.WELLS stamps for _The Time Machine_'s centenary out today, looking quite remarkably grotty and unWellsian. 24-5 Jun [] INTERCEPTION, Hertfordpark Hotel, Stevenage: Scottish Convention staff weekend (non-staff also welcomed into the parlour, heh heh). No fee. Contact: as Intersection. 28 Jun [] BSFA, Jubilee pub, York Rd, London (nr Waterloo). Upstairs room, 7pm. With Gwyneth Jones. 1 Jul [] ARMAGEDDON FIREWORKS, Hardwick House, Whitchurch, 8pm for 10:30. Bar. #3.50; #4 at gate. 01734 843219. 1 Jul [] HYPOTHETICON (sf/gaming), Central Hotel, Glasgow. GoH Maggie Furey, Tom Holt. #10 reg, #15 at door. Contact 10 Atlas Rd, Springburn, Glasgow, G21 4TE. 14-16 Jul [] DIMENSION JUMP (_Dwarf_), somewhere. SAE to Garden Cottage, Hall Farm, Scotton, Norwich, NR10 5DF. 4-5 Aug [] CLWYDCON (small press/poetry), Celyn Horticultural Coll, Northrop, Clwyd. #7 `enrolement fee' to P.E.Presford, `Rose Cottage', 3 Tram Lane, Buckley, CH7 3JB. 11-13 Aug [] NEXUS (_Trek_/sf), Holiday Inn Crowne Plaza, Bristol. GoH: John `Q' de Lancie, others. #35 reg (less for 1/2 days only) + 3 SAEs; no advance booking after 28 Jul. Contact 26 Milner Rd, Horfield, Bristol, BS7 9PQ. [SR] 19-20 Aug [] PRECURSOR, now moved to Hertfordpark Hotel, Stevenage: pre- Worldcon `fannish relaxacon' party. Contact 144 Plashet Grove, East Ham, London, E6 1AB. 24-8 Aug [] THE SCOTTISH CONVENTION (Worldcon), SECC, Glasgow. #90 reg, #100 at door. No advance memberships after 22 July. Contact Intersection, Admail 336, Glasgow, G2 1BR. Only _two_ more _Ansible_s to go before zero hour.... 11-13 Jul 96 [] SPEAKING SCIENCE FICTION, U of Liverpool conference. #130 inc hotel. Contact Andy Sawyer, SF Foundation, Sydney Jones Library, PO Box 123, Liverpool, L69 3DA. _(Accidentally listed last issue as being in 1995 -- oops!)_ 26-29 Jul 96 [] ALBACON 96, Central Hotel, Glasgow. _NB: changed dates_ owing to a titanic clash with Contagion. Contact 10 Atlas Rd, Springburn, Glasgow, G21 4TE. _Rumblings_ [] _Judith Clute_'s paintings are on show at Lauderdale House, Waterlow Pk, Highgate Hill, N6, until 11 June. 0181 348 8716. ### INFINITELY IMPROBABLE ### JAPANESE WHISPERS. One cause of Uri Geller's famous failed lawsuits against psychic debunker James Randi proved to be an interview conducted via interpreter by a Japanese reporter who spoke no English. Randi's remark `Geller has no social conscience' reached Japanese print as, approximately, `Uri Geller is a loathsome social disease....' [MMW] C.O.A. _Cat Coast & Dave Hicks_, 22 The Uplands, Rogerstone, Newport, Gwent, NP1 9FA. _Fiona McHugh & Paul Voermans_, 11 Leinster Grove, East Brunswick, 3057, Australia. _Jonathan Palfrey_, SITE, Mini Parc Alpes Congres, 6 rue Roland Garros, 38320 Eybens, France. _Ringpull_ (redivivus), Albion Wharf, Albion St, Manchester, M1 5LN. OH NO! The _Federation of Australian Writers Bulletin_ has issued a WARNING TO CONTRIBUTORS: `An FAW member who sent work to L.Ron Hubbard's Writers of the Future, which was promoted in recent editions of the _Bulletin_, has advised us that her work was returned unopened. This indicates that this publishing body has closed or changed address. We would therefore advise FAW members against submitting work to this publisher.' THOG'S MASTERCLASS. `Sweat broke out on his brow as he wrestled with his brain ...' (Julian Flood, `Control', _Tomorrow_ 6/95) [MMW] [] `They were within two hundred meters, rocketing toward nullgrav steel doors that could absorb a direct hit from a meson without buckling.' (Margaret Weis & Don Perrin, _The Knights of the Black Earth_, 1995) THE NEVER-ENDING _SF ENCYCLOPAEDIA_. Grolier's spiffy CD-ROM edition should be out real soon now. _John Clute_ promises: `75 author entries by me added, and a lot more than that by Peter Nicholls on everything else. Lots of new corrections, and (at a very rough guess) about 600 entries updated by me, and about 90 by Peter.' MILLENNIAL. Radio 4 mentioned `a proposal submitted to the Millennium Commission: that it should fund a galactic treasure hunt, which would involve sending pound coins into space. The details were a bit confused, but "... this was a suggestion by a Mr Duncan Lunan." And as soon as they heard the name, the audience all laughed.' [DG] VOTE BRIT! _Simon Ounsley_ has been sending eloquent letters pointing out that our very own _Interzone_ came close to winning the Semiprozine Hugo in 1987, and that (with issue 100 approaching) it would be a shame for it to miss out again in 1995 merely through British fans' celebrated apathy. _Verb.sap._ THE BOOKSELLER names Pat Cadigan's _Fools_ as winner of the `Arthur C.Clarke Award, given for the best crime novel....' [CP] THE LAST DANGEROUS FRESCO. Broadcasting in deadly secrecy to the entire Internet, _Harlan Ellison_ revealed a former romantic entanglement: `Christopher Priest is no more and no less [than] a "jilted lover." I rejected him from _The Last Dangerous Visions_ and he has never been able to get over it.' Mr Priest, who remains under the impression that he withdrew (and rapidly resold) `An Infinite Summer' after four months of editorial silence, was more interested by the same bulletin's Renaissance Editor comparison. Again HE identifies himself with Michelangelo being nagged by a philistine Pope to finish the Sistine Chapel as a rush job. CP helpfully comments: `The Sistine Chapel frescoes took Michelangelo just over four years to complete. He was 33 when he started in 1508 and 37 when he finished in 1512. When Ellison first announced _TLDV_'s impending publication, he too was 37. Now he is older than Pope Julius II (60 when elected), who not only commissioned Michelangelo's work but lived to see it completed.' ### THOG'S MASTERCLASS SPECIAL ### _Chris Bell_ has been testing her editorial skills on perhaps the most stunningly copy-edited novelization of this or any other decade: _StarGate[TM]_ by Dean Devlin & Roland Emmerich! Enjoy.... (The comments are hers.) The hunter could move no faster than the stone walls of the cave that surrounded him ... [] Daniel's nail clippers were no match, so he moved to the desk and sat down. [] ... and a Bible in the bottom drawer that probably came with the desk. [] The air itself was thick with people. _(This is later made clear:)_ Skaara clucked like a chicken and flapped his wings. [] As soon as the giant disk was revealed, the entire city fell, its knees in one massive human wave, bowing toward the visitors. [] The light on the scene in the entrance hall dimmed until the clean edges of the radio began to decompose, dwindling into the approaching night. [] ... an oblong asteroid ... that was this planet's moon. [] ... dazzling silken costumes carrying all manner of tableware ... [] The women met these attempts to communicate with the same aggressive refusal Kasuf had shown. They took the mirror away and wagged their fingers at him. _(I bet the Bosnians would like that kind of aggression.)_ [] ... the rifle in his hands like a live eel. [] In his metal gloves, he carried a five-foot-long weapon. _(It beats a knife down your sock.)_ [] Daniel's eyes bugged to silver dollar size, sure he was a goner, waiting to feel the ice-hot blade slit open his throat. [] It's skin ... seemed to glow ... emitting a ghostly pall. Daniel wondered whether he might be made of the same unidentifiable substance as the StarGate. [] Skaara felt his stomach nearly fall out of his mouth. [] Ra nodded once very broadly. [] The harsh glare of three guns poured in from every angle ... [] The shot went through Freeman's head like a soft watermelon, raining pieces of him onto the screaming crowd. [] Still wearing his helmet, his mouth hung open in a way that changed Daniel's expression immediately. [] He had been staring at Skaara's large drawing for several minutes when it fell out of his mouth. [] It was a hard thing to say to the old man she loved so much, and then ran to catch up with Daniel. [] Holding the recently delivered Skaara by one ankle, he lifted the spindly fourteen- year-old as high as he could, until they were face-to-upside-down-face. [] Just before the lid closed above him like an infant reentering the womb, he heard the giant noise of voices erupt outside. [] _(WHO is in charge at Penguin these days? -- CB)_ ### GEEKS' CORNER ### To receive _Ansible_ monthly via e-mail, send a message with the single word SUBSCRIBE to: ansible-request@dcs.gla.ac.uk Please send a corresponding UNSUBSCRIBE to resign from this list if you weary of it or are about to change e-addresses; don't send such requests to me, as I don't maintain the list. BACK ISSUES AVAILABLE: FTP: ftp://ftp.dcs.gla.ac.uk/pub/SF-Archives/Ansible Gopher: gopher://gopher.dcs.gla.ac.uk/pub/SF-Archives/Ansible Web: http://www.dcs.gla.ac.uk/SF-Archives/Ansible (Thanks as always to _Naveed Khan_ for all this.) @KINS Albacon 96, albacon@srian.demon.co.uk Harry Andruschak, harry.andruschak@greatesc.com British SF Association (general enquiries), bsfa@ansible.demon.co.uk Interception, fiona@intersec.demon.co.uk Intervention (Eastercon 1997), interven@pompey.demon.co.uk Janice Murray (_Ansible_ US agent), 73227.2641@compuserve.com Precursor, avedon@cix.compulink.co.uk The Scottish Convention, intersection@smof.demon.co.uk Paul Kincaid & Maureen Kincaid Speller, mks_pk@cix.compulink.co.uk Alan Stewart (_Ansible_ Aussie agent), s#alanjs@eduserv.its.unimelb.EDU.AU Fiona McHugh & Paul Voermans, pendoppo@netspace.net.au If you're receiving printed _Ansible_s by snail mail from Janice Murray but are happy with the e-mailed, Usenet or web version, do consider easing Janice's vast burden by asking to be dropped from her list.... AM-WEB Delos Cyberzine (in Italian), http://www.mclink.it/n/delos/index.htm Evolution (Eastercon 1996), http://www.tardis.ed.ac.uk/~simon/evolve/ Laurie Mann's interesting sf/fan links, http://www.lm.com/~lmann/hot/sf.html The Scottish Convention, http://www.dcs.gla.ac.uk/intersection Worldcon bids round-up by Chaz Baden, ftp://ftp.netcom.com/pub/ha/hazel/www/bids.html POLITESSE. Mark Plummer's booking form for Interception contains (after the usual name/address/phone slots) this tactful aside: `Please note that I will not actually want to use your E-mail address but I've included a space so you can include it because I'm sure it will make you happy.' Ansible 95 Copyright (c) Dave Langford, 1995. Thanks to David V.Barrett, Paul Barnett, Chris Bell, Malcolm Edwards, Julian Flood, John Foyster, David Garnett, Chris Priest, Steve Rothman, Yvonne Rousseau, Martin Morse Wooster and our Hero Distributors: Janice Murray (NA), SCIS, Alan Stewart (Oz), Martin Tudor and Bridget Wilkinson (FATW). 1 June 95 David Langford ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk ANSIBLE 96 JULY 1995 From DAVE LANGFORD, 94 London Road, Reading, Berkshire, RG1 5AU, UK. Fax 01734 669914. ISSN 0265-9816. E-mail ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk. Available for SAE or all-purpose plot coupons. [NET NOTE. Please see the last section for subscribe/unsubscribe information: such requests should NOT be sent to my personal e-mail address. DRL] IT HAD TO COME: I finally got to be a virtual convention guest ... one of several at Cascon in Slovakia, via Internet Relay Chat [1 July]. Great hospitality, though vodka does not e-mail well. ### THE GRAVEYARD HEART ### STEVE BAXTER enquires: `Separated at birth? I wonder if your readers have noticed the remarkable resemblance between the comic Lancastrian idiot "Peter" in BBC2's _The Smell of Reeves and Mortimer_ and Manchester-based neo-cyber-guru Jeff Noon. Are they by any chance related? I think we should be told.' OCTAVIA BUTLER was one of the 24 winners of the 1995 US MacArthur grants, sometimes called the `genius awards'. This means $295,000 (in instalments over 5 years) plus free health insurance; the money can be spent as she likes, being `intended to encourage and facilitate the recipient's work'. A cheeringly unexpected `outside' recognition of a good sf writer. [MF] Of course the reaction in certain generous circles of fandom was, `Ah, she only got it because she's female and black....' NEIL GAIMAN was alarmed on 22 June: `Phone calls received this morning asking if it were true that I was dead. Reports of it "all over the Internet". "I can wake him up and ask him," Mary told the callers, "But I think I would have known."' MIKE MCQUAY, US sf novelist, died recently of a heart attack in his mid- forties. He had just completed a collaboration with Arthur C.Clarke, entitled _Richter 10_. [PB] PETER NICHOLLS enjoyed mixed blessings: `It's very embarrassing. At last year's Australian national convention I stood up at the business meeting and tongue-lashed the organizers -- "Who is this mad old fart?" BNF Marc Ortlieb was heard to mutter -- about _(a)_ their failure to invite local writers and critics on to panels, and _(b)_ the oddities of Ditmar nominations and voting. As an example of these I foolishly laid myself open to accusations of megalomania by instancing my own failure to get on to the Wm Atheling Jr Award shortlist with _The Encyclopaedia of SF_. "I can get on to Hugo shortlists," I thundered, "but can't even get nominated in Australia." This year the Natcon was the small but hugely successful Thylacon; there were insufficient nominations for the Atheling award to be given at all. So the committee gave a special Atheling to me. I accepted (as I had to) with genuine pleasure -- the award memorializes one of the best friends I ever had in sf -- but what does it make me look like? I'll go down in history as the person who begged for an award, and was given it the next year just to shut me up. Australia's Andy Porter. Greg Egan collected all the fiction Ditmars going, by the way. Deservedly. I got drunk that night with Stan Robinson and Karen Fowler.... [] Tomorrow I'm Best Man at the joyful nuptials of Jack Dann and Janeen Webb. The movie will be called _Four SF Conventions and a Wedding_.' [16 June] Spies insist that this Best Man wore a kilt. CHARLES PLATT, man of many facets, `is best known to Washingtonians as the architect of the elegantly neoclassical Freer Gallery of Art.... Architecture is just a part of Platt's legacy, however. This exhibit includes many examples of his etchings and paintings,' writes the _Washington City Paper_ ... but at this point our US newspaper clippings agency (Martin Morse Wooster) was severely reprimanded. DAVID PRINGLE feels unthreatened by _SFX_: `Quite impressive in its vulgar way. They're obviously trying to do a sci-fi media version of _Q_ or _Empire_. Not a bad idea, commercially! It's the people at _Starburst_ who will be feeling green about the gills....' BRIAN STABLEFORD, cheery as ever, had an attack of the third person: `Thinking that the impending Millennium might cause an upsurge of interest in the future, and sick of the hypocrisy involved in carefully disguisiung his sf novels as horror or fantasy trilogies in order to make them saleable, Brian Stableford prepared an outline for a six-part future history spanning the next 1,500 years, accommodating therein such recent successes as Hugo-nominated "Les Fleurs du Mal" and the awesomely brilliant "Mortimer Gray's _History of Death_". His current editor (John Jarrold) said that he quite liked the idea but that the Random Century Sales Dept had decreed that the UK sf market is now too small to be worth bothering with. The only other editor who nibbled (Nick Austin) was similarly overruled in committee. Only time will tell whether this is the death-knell of British sf or Nature's way of informing BS that destiny has him marked down as a fantasy writer and he'd better stop prevaricating and bloody well get on with it.' J.MICHAEL STRAZCYNSKI of _Babylon 5_ fame, asked on the net about a certain Hugo nominee, dropped a subtle hint as to how his vote might go: `What I have to say about Christopher Priest and his piece of crap _Deadloss Visions_, little more than attempted literary assassination, from a personal vendetta aided and abetted by Groth and Feeley, would fry your modem connection and violate just about every provision Congress just slapped onto electronic communications.' Gosh! ROGER ZELAZNY died on 14 June in Santa Fe, of kidney failure caused by colon/rectal cancer, following a period of illness not generally known to the sf community. Zelazny was at the heart of the 1960s `US New Wave' -- a deserving multiple Hugo and Nebula winner whose best fiction (like _Lord of Light_) still has a mythic dazzle. He was only 58 and left us far too soon. ### CONFRAGOSE ### 14-16 Jul [] DIMENSION JUMP (_Dwarf_), somewhere. SAE to Garden Cottage, Hall Farm, Scotton, Norwich, NR10 5DF. 15-17 Jul [] CONUNDRUM (_Trek_), Hospitality Inn, Glasgow. #35 reg; #40 at door. Contact (SAE) PO Box 1598, Rutherglen, Glasgow, G73 4HS. 16 Jul [] DR WHO TOUR, Jarvis Parkway Hotel, Leeds. #14 reg. Contact (SAE) Tour 95, PO Box 85, Amersham, Bucks, HP7 9QH. Also Heathrow 30 Jul, Chester 6 Aug, Exeter 20 Aug. 26 Jul [] BSFA, Jubilee pub, York Rd, London (nr Waterloo). Upstairs room, 7pm. Guest `to be announced', probably at 6pm. 26-9 Jul [] THE TIME MACHINE:, H.G.Wells Soc centenary symposium, Imperial College, London. Contact: HGW Soc, English Dept, Nene College, Moulton Park, Northants, NN2 7AL. 30-31 Jul [] BROOMCON, `The Pagan Convention', University of Essex, Colchester. #15 reg. 39 Henniker Rd, Ipswich, Suffolk, IP1 5HF. Possible reduced rates for familiars. 13-14 Aug [] UFO RESEARCH CENTRE CONFERENCE. Contact (SAE) 30 Stonebridge Ct, Lings, Northampton, NN3 8LY. 24-8 Aug [] The Scottish Convention (Worldcon), SECC, Glasgow. #90 reg, #100 at door. NO ADVANCE MEMBERSHIPS AFTER 22 JULY. Contact Intersection, Admail 336, Glasgow, G2 1BR. Steve Green is `resurrecting the "quotecard" concept' for this event, and invites witty one-line contributions (with sources) by 1 Aug: 33 Scott Rd, Olton, Solihull, B92 7LQ. Only _one_ more _Ansible_ left before D-Day and Haggis-Hour.... But: `We have now passed 4000 attending members!' belches Vince Docherty ecstatically. 22-4 Sep [] 6TH FESTIVAL OF FANTASTIC FILMS, Sacha's Hotel, Manchester. GoH Roger Corman. #45 reg: cheques to `Society of Fantastic Films'. Contact 95 Meadowgate Rd, Salford, Manchester, M6 8EN. 21-3 Jun 96 [] FIRST INTERNATIONAL DISCWORLD CON. Venue: `England'. Author and artist GoHs: guess who? #17.50 reg to 31 Dec. Contact (SAE) P.O. Box 3086, Chelmsford, CM1 6LD. 26-7 Oct 96 [] WHO'S 7 (_Dr Blake_ con), Ashford International Hotel, Ashford, Kent. #40 reg to 31-5-96. Contact 10 Fillebrook Hall, Fillebrook Road, Leytonstone, London, E11 1AG. _Rumblings_ [] INTERVENTION (Eastercon 97) suffered the traditional Curse of Wincon: `Robert Silverberg has had to drop out -- he believed Easter was at another date, which would have been just fine. At the _right_ date for Easter, however, he had already agreed to do something else....' [HL] [] ARMAGEDDON FIREWORKS: this traditional event (1 Jul) went noisily well despite `a faulty multi-shot roman candle battery exploding in all directions.... Unfortunately, the crew was less than amused by a _Reading Weekend Post_ report attributing the entire planning and organization of the display to Martin Hoare.' [GS] ### INFINITELY IMPROBABLE ### SINCERE FLATTERY OF THE DAMNED. The appearance of MGM's remake of _Village of the Damned_, based on John Wyndham's _The Midwich Cuckoos_, persuaded fabled Thai author S.P.Somtow to spill some beans about _Kawao Ti Bangphleng_ -- that is, _The Cuckoos of Bangphleng_ by Thailand's erstwhile prime minister M.R.Kukrit, a Thai-language novelist of some note. Kukrit seemingly pinched almost the entire plot of Wyndham's book, transplanting it to a Thai village and changing the ending a bit (the novel twist is that the alien kids are nobbled by Earthly bacteria; subsequently, in a fit of Buddhist acceptance and tranquillity, they decide to go `home' via UFO). Unfortunately, the Thai film industry's first real assault on the international market was to be an adaptation of the Kukrit novel.... C.O.A. ETC. _Brian Burgess_, Oak Hill House, Eady Close, Horsham, Sussex, RH13 5LZ -- a permanent move to a nursing home; cards and fanzines still appreciated. [] _John Dallman_ (temporary), c/o EDS Unigraphics, Parker's House, 46 Regent Street, Cambridge, CB2 1DB. [] _Phil Greenaway_, c/o 1 Twelfth Ave, Galon Uchaf, Merthyr Tydfil, Mid-Glam, S.Wales. [] _Lesley & Naveed Khan_ `are happy to announce the birth of our daughter, Ila Elspeth Khan.' (On 3 July -- congrats!) [] _Cherry Wilder_, Behring Str 5, 65191 Wiesbaden, Germany. OLD MONEY. After nearly four years of heroic accountancy, I.Clark, Liquidator of Newsfield Ltd (remember _Fear_? _GMI_?), has scraped together some #200,000 of assets, awarded himself a meagre #30,000 fee, and paid off creditors at 8.87p in the pound. I am having my generous #17.72 cheque framed.... RANDOM FANDOM. _Piotr Cholewa_ gloats that he won the Polish Translators' Association award, popular fiction category, for his brain-bursting task of rendering _The Colour of Magic_ into Polish. [] _Jacks Edwards_, good lady of famous publisher _Malcolm_, was overheard at a party bewailing her struggle to find a reasonably priced hotel not too far from The Scottish Convention site. Listeners were puzzled: surely HarperCollins could run to a room in the main hotel? `Yes, of course,' said she. `But this is for the nanny.' [] _Dave Langford_ whinges that editors at _SFX_ magazine, trying to make him seem more knowledgeable and in touch with the genre, like to change the odd Langfordian mention of `sf' to `sci- fi'. [] _Roger Robinson_ reached the final round of the `15 To 1' TV quiz, but just missed eternal glory (he came second). A collection of his finest answers is expected soon from Beccon Publications. [] _Yvonne Rousseau_ reports a visitor's alarm when, after consuming `Anzac Biscuits flavoured with a hint of the Australian bush', he turned the packet over to learn what this flavoursome hint might be, and found the prominent words `EMU BOTTOM'.... [] _Alan Stewart_ marvels: `the latest Intersection PR lists Alan Stewart, Zev Sero and Cathy Kerrigan as Austrians! Here we are trying to lift the profile of Australian fandom by joining all these foreign conventions, and....' [] _D.West_ has submitted some strange designs for BSFA t-shirts, and modestly observes: `I can't see anybody paying money unless they're at a convention and fairly well pissed too. But what do I know? People buy all kinds of rubbish.' CLARKE AWARD JUDGES for 1995's sf novels are ... _BSFA:_ Steve Jeffery, David Langford. _SF Foundation:_ Dr David Seed, Ian Watson. _International Science Policy Foundation, Whatever This Might Be:_ Maggie McDonald of _New Scientist_, Maurice Goldsmith. (Administrator: Paul Kincaid, 60 Bournemouth Road, Folkestone, Kent, CT19 5AZ.) IT'S THE ARTS! _Cherry Wilder_ wraps things up: `The most philistine comments on Christo and his wife wrapping the Reichstag came from merry old England. The big wrap was a neat Happening; the old Imperial pile looks 200% better wrapped; a class of school-leavers in Kronberg were inspired, and wrapped their school in blue plastic.... Isn't the Albert Memorial crying out to be wrapped? A Foreign Correspondent -- who recalls those dear, distant days when Christo wrapped up Little Bay in New South Wales to roars of "_A child of four could have done it!_" -- brings to the attention of independent wrappers _(a)_ the tomb of Karl Marx in Highgate Cemetery, and _(b)_ the statue of Peter Pan in Kensington Gardens.' (In fact Britain's notoriously avant-garde authorities had the Albert Memorial wrapped years ago, evidently by a child of four.) PUBLISHERS AND SINNERS. _HarperCollins_ launched an exciting, shit-hot new imprint called Voyager (presided over by Jane Johnson), which to the unaided eye seems indistinguishable from the old HC sf/fantasy list. [] _Corgi_ are zeroing in on Robert Rankin's audience, i.e. drunks, by pushing _The Most Amazing Man Who Ever Lived_ as a cross-promotion with a beer company. [] _The Bookseller_'s Sarah Broadhurst does snap assessments of paperbacks: thus, of Robert Jordan, `The fans hunger for him but he still needs lifting' -- possibly not a reference to the author's alleged chair-crushing immensity or the 1,056-page slab which is his upcoming paperback.... Likewise Charles de Lint's `covers have done a lot to lift him, but not enough'; while of Stephen Laws the keen insight is, `I haven't read this either but he is very good.' [CP] UPDATES. _Paul Williams_'s horrific bike-crash injuries (see _A95_) are responding well to treatment: `Much to my astonishment and delight, Paul showed up at [the] American Booksellers Association convention, looking somewhat fragile but quite well. He is up and around, under doctors' orders to wear a bicycle helmet, since there is an open place in his scalp from the brain surgery (eventually, the doctors will put a plastic plate there). He seemed very much himself, memory, mood, and personality intact.' [DN] [] _Diana Wynne Jones_ `thanks all those (too numerous to list) who signed her "get well soon" card, which arrived on a Low hospital day and was greatly appreciated. So Low was the day that she spent ALL MORNING (which in hospital starts around 6am) gradually reading the card.... She's much better now, almost up to reading whole books.' [CB] [] _Hugo Ballot:_ under NOVELLA, Michael J.Flynn (as faithfully reproduced in _A94_) should be Michael _F_.Flynn. 20 YEARS AGO. `How about a new definition of science fiction? It's about things going wrong.' (Brian Aldiss, _Vector 69_, Summer 1975.) _THE ENCYCLOPAEDIA OF FANTASY ART TECHNIQUES_ by Ron Tiner and John Grant has been `fucked over something rotten by asinine editorial decisions at Quarto,' confided JG impartially -- though `Quarto are now acting a bit more sanely as a result of notoriously stroppy Grant becoming notoriously stroppy.' One merry moment: `For the section on sf hardware, David Hardy was asked to do work-up sketches towards a final piece; so he chose a really stunning picture of his and did "preliminary" sketches and blueprints to go with it. When he delivered this extremely interesting set, he mentioned what he'd done -- and was promptly told that while he'd be paid for the sketches etc, there was nothing left in the budget for Artwork That Has Not Been Done Specially. Well, he said, pay me out of the Artwork That _Has_ Been Done Specially budget -- I won't tell if you don't. Nope: not allowed....' The finished artwork being essential for the rest to make sense, DH offered his solution: he'd `repaint it, and charge his standard fee of _n_ hundred pounds. Sudden budgetary rethink at Quarto!' The official position is now `he's changed it a bit', so they can permit themselves to pay up.... Thog's Masterclass. `Vivia herself was a woman. Not only physically, as of course was Lilliot, but psychosomatically.' (Tanith Lee, _Vivia_, 1995) [PK] [] `Arias plunged his blue-grey regard into hers.' (Anne Gay, _To Bathe in Lightning_, 1995) `I _think_ this means he stared into her eyes' -- A.Mole. ### GEEKS' CORNER ### To receive _Ansible_ monthly via e-mail, send a message with the single word "subscribe" (no quote marks) to: ansible-request@dcs.gla.ac.uk Please send a corresponding "unsubscribe" to resign from this list if you weary of it or are about to change e-addresses; don't send such requests to me, as I don't maintain the list. BACK ISSUES AVAILABLE: FTP: ftp://ftp.dcs.gla.ac.uk/pub/SF-Archives/Ansible Gopher: gopher://gopher.dcs.gla.ac.uk/pub/SF-Archives/Ansible Web: http://www.dcs.gla.ac.uk/SF-Archives/Ansible (Thanks as always to _Naveed Khan_ for all this.) @TITUDES British SF Association (general enquiries), bsfa@ansible.demon.co.uk International Discworld con, discworld@cmacloed.demon.co.uk Colin Fine, C.J.Fine@bradford.ac.uk, warns that this e-address will shortly cease to exist ... eCoA to follow. Intervention (Eastercon 1997), interven@pompey.demon.co.uk Janice Murray (_Ansible_ US agent), 73227.2641@compuserve.com The Scottish Convention, intersection@smof.demon.co.uk Alan Stewart (_Ansible_ Aussie agent), s#alanjs@eduserv.its.unimelb.EDU.AU Who's 7, lexin@cix.compulink.co.uk THE PATH TO THE NEST OF SPIDERS Evolution (Eastercon 1996), http://www.tardis.ed.ac.uk/~simon/evolve/ Laurie Mann's interesting sf/fan links, http://www.lm.com/~lmann/hot/sf.html Navegante, `a new sf mag' ed. Jorge Forte (I haven't checked what language it's in!), http://naveg.fcaglp.unlp.edu.ar The Scottish Convention, http://www.dcs.gla.ac.uk/intersection Worldcon bids round-up by Chaz Baden (changed), http://sundry.hsc.usc.edu/hazel/www/bids/bids.html Worldcons ditto, http://sundry.hsc.usc.edu/lacon3-info/www/worldcons.html YOUR CHANCE OF INFAMY. The first 30-odd _Ansible_s still don't exist in electronic form. Having run out of suckers prepared to type entire issues, I now invite volunteers who can face keying in just one page (preferably both sides) and e-mailing the result to me. Usual tawdry rewards of glory and immortality offered.... THE SCOTTISH CONVENTION had a little glitch regarding the Art Show deadline: PR6, giving a final date of 12 June, has yet to reach certain remote and far-flung fans in (chiefly) Britain. Aspiring artists who get _Ansible_ by e-mail may just have time to register by contacting Caroline Mullan on 70630.522@compuserve.com by the extended deadline of Saturday 8 July. (Follow-up paperwork is needed by the 16th.) Ansible 96 Copyright (c) Dave Langford, 1995. Thanks to Paul Barnett, Chris Bell, Moshe Feder, Steve Green, Paul Kincaid, Heidi Lyshol, Alex McLintock, Debbie Notkin, Greg Pickersgill, Chris Priest, Maureen Kincaid Speller, Gary Stratmann, and our Hero Distributors: Janice Murray (NA), SCIS, Alan Stewart (Oz), Martin Tudor and Bridget Wilkinson (FATW). 6 July 95 David Langford ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk ANSIBLE 97 AUGUST 1995 From DAVE LANGFORD, 94 London Road, Reading, Berkshire, RG1 5AU, UK. Fax 01734 669914. ISSN 0265-9816. E-mail ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk. Cartoon: D.WEST. Available for SAE or large, chilled, alcoholic drinks. [NET NOTE. Please see the last section for subscribe/unsubscribe information: such requests should NOT be sent to my personal e-mail address. DRL] DISCLAIMER: apparent lies, libels, errors and insults are merely symptoms of your editor's imminent death from heatstroke.... ### STANDS SCOTLAND WHERE IT DID? ### BRIAN ALDISS, having modestly called our attention to who wrote the text in the Royal Mail's H.G.Wells philatelic presentation pack, announces a new campaign: `to persuade the R.M. to produce a Mary Shelley stamp in two years' time -- preferably without using Boris Karloff as a cultural totem.' PAUL BARNETT offers updates: `Your coverage of the new Voyager imprint is matched by that in _Publishing News_, whose anonymous columnist displays a deep knowledge of the field. "Indeed new talent is strongly represented. Pat Cardigan _[sic]_ ... Certainly one quality of the genre is that the writing is invariably of a high order _[an assertion which caused John Clute to collapse in strong hysterics]_ ... Undoubtedly Ballard's _Empire of the Sun_ was a turning point _[in the general acceptance of sf]_." The article backs up its feisty evangelization of sf/fantasy as true literature by lip-smackingly describing some upcoming goodies. The novelization of the movie _Johnny Mnemonic_. The novelizations of _The X-Files_. The novelizations of Gerry Anderson's _Space Precinct_. And, er, that's it. [] Poor Jane Johnson. Professionally she must be delighted by the splash coverage. Personally she must be tearing her hair out.' STEVE BROWN pooh-poohs my trepidation about his posh mag _SF Eye_: `As to the _Eye_'s awesome standards, I have been trying for some time to _lower_ those standards. I want _SFE_ to be the people's mag, where they can sit back on the sofa, grunt, scratch their hairy chest through a dirty T-shirt, pop the top from a cheap can of beer and begin to read.' ROALD DAHL remains controversial despite being dead: July saw an abortive attempt to ban his books from the elementary school syllabus in Virginia, for `glorifying dangerous and disrespectful behaviour in children'. [MMW] GREG EGAN won the John W.Campbell Memorial Award (the _other_ JWC award) for his spiffy novel _Permutation City_. LAURENCE JAMES was rushed to hospital in July with critical kidney failure, cause still worryingly unknown. [CP] KATHARINE KERR is chastened: `I've just had a card from a fan denouncing me for the "appalling lack of a new Deverry novel" this year. He went on to imply that I'm doing this for the crassest of reasons, i.e., to pump up sales next year. "Just like Eddings did," he goes on to say. Surely not.... I thought I'd reassure him and any one else wondering or hoping if I've finally shut up that actually I've had one of the worst years of my life for personal disasters. Money does not enter into this except for my wishing I had the advance on-acceptance payment for the as yet unwritten _Red Wyvern_. Things are looking up, though, and eventually I really will finish the last part of the sequence as promised.' (We need to know whether the postcard was written in green ink and `SINED IN BLUD' -- these are important matters of etiquette.) PAUL J.MCAULEY gurgles distantly, `Here's a candidate for Thog's Masterclass; our hero seems to have unusual physiological reactions to stress: "Moh heard the sound of blood draining from his head, like a faraway waterfall." From Ken MacLeod's _The Star Fraction_. Of course, _my_ books are probably riddled with this stuff, but I'm fed up after having had to plough through this "thriller" and want revenge ha ha!' PETER WESTON can't get on with _Interzone_ ... `Having seen some recent issues, including the one edited by Charles Platt, explains the steady decline of the magazine's readership. The future looks greyer, more dismal than ever, as numbers drop to the fanzine levels. The old itch remains, to see if a really exciting sf magazine could actually start to _sell_ once again: after all, the BRE _Astounding_ did 25-30,000/month for 20 years!' (But did it have racks and racks of sf/fantasy novels to compete with? Mr Pringle, I am assured, remains Vibrantly Optimistic.) PHILIP G.WILLIAMSON rang to seek advice: was it a social gaffe to phone Pauline Morgan (`I got the number from my editor') and point out an error in her _Fantasy Review_ coverage of his world-famous _Heart of Shadows_? Why had nice Chris Morgan hung up on him? Then irate Pauline Morgan rang me to demand the public crucifixion of whichever Legend editor handed out confidential phone numbers and thus encouraged pained calls at inconvenient times on hot days. (Come to think of it, _my_ number is supposed to be ex-directory....) ### CONDAMINE ### 11-13 Aug [] NEXUS (_Trek_/sf), Holiday Inn Crowne Plaza, Bristol. #35 reg (less for 1/2 days only); no more advance bookings. Contact 26 Milner Rd, Horfield, Bristol, BS7 9PQ. 13-14 Aug [] UFO RESEARCH CENTRE CONFERENCE. Contact (SAE) 30 Stonebridge Ct, Lings, Northampton, NN3 8LY. 18-20 Aug [] PORTMEIRICON, 18th annual _Prisoner_ con, Portmeirion, North Wales. Contact Six of One, PO Box 66, Ipswich. 18-20 Aug [] PRECURSOR, Hertfordpark Hotel, Stevenage: pre-Worldcon `fannish relaxacon' party. Contact 144 Plashet Grove, East Ham, London, E6 1AB. 23 Aug [] BSFA MEETING CANCELLED for Caledonian reasons. 24 Aug [] Some backstreet fannish outfit called Microsoft urges in very expensive ads worldwide: `don't plan on spending the entire day at the 53rd world science fiction convention in glasgow, scotland.' Will this inability to use the shift key (except for `Microsoft') provoke a wrathful response from the WSFS Mark Protection Committee? [SB] 24-8 Aug [] The Scottish Convention (Worldcon/Eurocon), SECC, Glasgow. #100 at door; _no more advance memberships_. Contact Intersection, Admail 336, Glasgow, G2 1BR. Mere weeks and, in theory, no more _Ansible_s before It All Happens.... Late July saw a frenzied remailing of British Hugo ballot forms as it emerged that an estimated 10-20% of UK _PR6_ packets had been devoured by postal gremlins; the Hugo deadline was dynamically extended to 3 August. 1-3 Sep [] LIGHTSPEED '95 (_Trek_ etc), Hilton International Hotel, Leeds. #35 reg. Contact 16 Bramwell St, Eastwood, Rotherham, S.Yorks, S65 1RZ. 28 Sep - 1 Oct [] BOUCHERCON 25 (World Mystery Con), Royal Moat House Hotel, Nottingham. GoH Colin Dexter, James Elroy. #55 reg. Cheques to Conference Nottingham, Business Info Centre, 309 Haydn Rd, Nottingham, NG5 1DG. 5-8 Apr 96 [] EVOLUTION (Eastercon), Radisson Edwardian Hotel, nr Heathrow. Lots of fabulous guests whom I forget. #24 reg. Contact 13 Lindfield Gdns, Hampstead, London, NW3 6PX. 28-31 Mar 97 [] INTERVENTION (Eastercon), Adelphi Hotel, Liverpool. _New GoH list:_ B.Aldiss, D.Langford and, now, Octavia Butler and John Bing. #20 reg; cheques now to `Intervention'. Contact 12 Crowsbury Close, Emsworth, Hants, PO10 7TS. _Rumblings_ [] _Colin Fine_ offers an Alternative Attraction, 28 Aug - 2 Sep, Greyfriars Kirk House, Candlemaker Row, Edinburgh, 1:30pm: _The Hunting of the Snark_ by Lewis Carroll, adapted/directed by CF. #5/#3. ### INFINITELY IMPROBABLE ### CHANNEL 4's invitation to a press launch for their imminent `Sci-Fi Weekend' indicated profound respect for the genre of Mary Shelley and H.G.Wells: `Channel 4 hits Warp Factor Nine this August bank holiday with a celebration of the weird and wonderful world of science fiction. This outlandish weekend will unzip the anorak and explore ...' At this point, passing up the chance to `Mingle with Daleks, Cylons, Klingons, & Ewoks', your reporter made an excuse and left. SAVOY BOOKS are still enmeshed in legal toils: on 19 July, after a 5-day hearing in Manchester, stipendiary magistrate Janet Howard rejected all defence arguments and decided that 4,000 police-seized Savoy comics (copies of _Lord Horror 1-2_, _Hard Core Horror 1-5_ and _Meng & Ecker 1-3_) were (a) obscene, and (b) had no literary or artistic merit that might support a `public good' defence. The Savoy chaps stress the `anti- Nazi' thrust of the comics, and are also grumpy about `the Solicitor General's assurance that these sort of summary proceedings would not be instituted if publishers expressed a preference for trial by jury' -- which Savoy did, only to be refused. RANDOM FANDOM. _John Bangsund_ mourns: `It is my melancholy duty to inform you that Dylan, the only Australian cat mentioned by name in the 50th annish of _Amazing SF_ (June 1976, p129), died on 10 July, aged almost 21.' [] _Ethel Lindsay_ boggles: `Over 4,000 members at The Scottish Con has me well overawed. No wonder they need such a big committee. A far cry from the Worldcon in London [1965] which had a committee of 5 ... Ella Parker, Peter Mabey, Jim Groves, Keith [Otter?] and myself. Fred Parkes was honorary teamaker. Ella and Fred now dead, Jim Groves married in New York, and Peter still faithfully attends cons, whilst I only appear at Novacons. [Intersection] will be my last appearance at a big con....' [] _Greg Pickersgill_ had an exciting time getting Brian Burgess's sf collection ready to be sold off: `the dust and rubbish on the books has given me a really severe respiratory problem that actually had me thinking serious things like Ambulances, Hospitals and Death more than once during the sorting process.' [] _Peter Roberts_, from the distant glades of the advertising world, confirms that his abandoned 1977 TAFF trip report has two unpublished chapters besides the eight published (`I spent a couple of months touring around, so the whole thing would have been 30+ chapters, or something equally foolish.') The existing material is enough to warrant a collected edition, if.... [] _D.M.Sherwood_ threatened me with kneecapping and worse for having embezzled his _Ansible_ SAEs; it was all quite tense and paranoid here until our wonderful Royal Mail returned the packet he'd unerringly sent to 20 London Road, Reading. PUBLISHERS & SINNERS. More razor-sharp paperback critiques from _The Bookseller_'s Sarah Broadhurst! Bruce Bethke, _Headcrash_: `I like the shout line: "The laptop novel with the seedy-romp drive."' Storm Constantine, _Stalking Tender Prey_: `Signet is ultra-keen on this 688- page extravaganza, which is the first of a trilogy, and is speaking of an "English Anne Rice".' (Will Storm sue?) Michael Moorcock, _Blood_: `It has been three years since his last new fantasy, so this will be good.' C.O.A. _Mike Cheater_, 42 Elm Grove, Southsea, Portsmouth, Hants, PO5 1JG (`The solicitors gave me details of the property going back to 1850 and it looks likely that this is the site where H.G.Wells did his apprenticeship as a draper....'). _Simon R.Green_, 40 St Laurence Rd, Bradford-on-Avon, Wilts, BA15 1JQ. _Rob Meades & Alice Kohler_, 7 Vern- ham Rd, Weeke, Winchester, Hants, SO22 6BP. _TAFF_ US administrator is now _Dan Steffan_, 3804 S 9th St, Arlington, VA 22204, USA ... who will be passing among us this very month. CLARKE AWARD submissions begin to arrive.... NEL try to cover all bases with a stack of 10 books, from well-regarded stuff like Robert Charles Wilson's _Mysterium_ to W.A.Harbinson's terrible UFO tat in _Phoenix_; HarperCollins pin their hopes on Steve Baxter's _The Time Ships_ and Ringpull on the inevitable Jeff Noon _Pollen_; Bloomsbury offer the first surprise item with Gene Brewer's debut novel _K-PAX_, seemingly a sort of `Man Who Fell To Earth (Or Did He?) Gets Psychoanalysed'.... HARLANWATCH. _Malcolm Edwards_ gleefully passes on a _Publishers Weekly_ ad explaining that Harlan Ellison's new collection _Slippage_, though scheduled for this month, will be delayed for an unknown period to allow New Stuff to be included.... `Tee hee,' quoth Malcolm. `Did he know that "slippage" is the term we use for books which have to be postponed? Can it be a hoax?' [] _George Alec Effinger_ remarked at the recent NASFiC opening ceremony that this was the 25th anniversary of his first ever sale ... and, being persistently heckled by a co-guest, threatened: `Harlan, if you don't shut up, I'm going to tell everyone what that first sale was _to_!' Collapse into silence of _Last Dangerous Visions_ editor.... [] _Paul Wrigley_ reminisces, `My favourite Ellison non-book is his Bibliography, hawked by him at the Portland Westercon in 1984. To be published within the year. I foolishly bought a copy!' DUFF. Down Under Fan Fund nominations are open, for the trip from Down There to LACon III in 1996. Candidates need 3 Australasian and 2 N.American nominators by 31 Oct. Administrators: Alan Stewart, PO Box 222, World Trade Centre, Melbourne, Vic 3005, Australia; Pat & Roger Sims, 34 Creekwood Sq, Cincinnati, OH 45246, USA. TEN YEARS AGO. _J.G.Ballard_ caused fans to worry that the J stood for Jerry after all: `I want _more_ nuclear weapons! ... I want my own cruise missile at the bottom of my garden.' (_Ansible 44_, 1985) MARKETRY. _Garth Spencer_ sends his `Electronic Scrapbook', a survey of US/UK/Canadian/Aussie sf/fantasy/horror markets (including small press) on IBM disk, updated quarterly; over 900k in plain text files; $10 US. Stop Press, PO Box 15335, VMPO, Vancouver, BC, Canada V6B 5B1. WEIRD TALES. _Stu Shiffman_ passes on an anecdote about the `Darwin Awards', said to be given posthumously to people who improve the human gene pool by killing themselves in memorably cretinous ways. A strong contender this year was deduced by the US Arizona Highway Patrol from a mass of smouldering metal embedded in a roadside cliff -- looking like a plane crash but proving to be the remains of a Chevy Impala. Lab reconstruction: the late driver was a speed enthusiast who had enhanced his car with a solid-fuel JATO rocket (as used in heavy military transport planes to boost takeoff on short runways), found a nice long straight stretch of road, got up to speed, fired the JATO ... and subsequently, with the brakes burned out of existence by failed efforts to slow down, encountered a slight curve at 250-300mph. Gulp. HAZEL'S LANGUAGE LESSONS: Bislama. _kakae_ ... 1 food, meal, 2 staples, 3 feast, 4 celebration, 5 fruit of tree that is bearing, 6 favourite indulgence, 7 to eat, 8 to bite, 9 to chew, 10 (of fire) to burn up, 11 (of fuel) to use, 12 (of clothes) to chafe, 13 to speak fluently; _k.bolet_ to get shot; _k.frut_ to get what is coming to one; _k.han_ to get punched; _k.kalabus_ to receive a prison sentence; _k.kan_ to practise cunnilingus; _k.kok_ to practise fellatio; _k.maot_ to kiss with open mouth; _k.tut_ 1 to gnash one's teeth, 2 to clench one's teeth, 3 to get punched in the mouth. [KL] SF PROPHECIES. Apt name for fiendish villain in a context of communications media: Murdoch. (George O.Smith, _Venus Equilateral_, 1947.) BOOMERANG ATTACK! _Peter Nicholls_'s bit in _A96_ provoked frenetic response. _Nitpickers Anonymous_ insisted that `Nicholls's gong wasn't a special Atheling award, it was a special committee award by those running Thylacon.' _Marc Ortlieb_'s correction went, `I never would have muttered "Who is that mad old fart?" with reference to Peter Nicholls. I know exactly who the mad old fart is. He's the loud and inconsiderate bastard who smokes foul smelling cigars at social events....' _Andrew Porter_ was pissed off by PN's self-description as `Australia's Andy Porter', to which Peter responds: `All I meant was that both he and I at one time were given committee awards (his a Hugo, mine an Atheling) when the nicest thing would be a fairer run at the award itself, and not a committee substitute, however well meant. Since then Andrew has amply confirmed his status with two successive Hugos.... But I can see that my remark could be construed by Andy as offensive, and I apologize to him. All I meant was to include Andrew in the fellowship of those who have felt justifiably pissed off at award systems, and then embarrassed by the gift of a nice present from the committee. But my sardonic tone, meant to be joky, made it come out looking bitchy. I have nothing against Andrew, well, only one thing. He recently published my photo in _SFC_ and labelled it Damien Broderick. I don't see why Damien should be given credit for my outstanding beauty.' _(Slightly cut -- Ed.)_ ROB HOLDSTOCK MONUMENT SCHEDULED. Seen on a hoarding: `On this site a block-long erection will arise.' [GS] GREAT LANGFORDS IN FICTION. `A right crabbit bastard was Langford. Once he'd excluded me from a debate because I couldn't tell'm where the US Seventh Fleet (or was it the Sixth?) was foregathered. "The planet's supreme bastion of sea power and you haven't a clue where it is!" he'd raved. "Out! Go on -- bugger off!"' (Jeff Torrington, _Swing Hammer Swing!_, 1992) Wholly unsolicited research: John Bark. ### GEEKS' CORNER ### To receive _Ansible_ monthly via e-mail, send a message with the single word "subscribe" (no quote marks) to: ansible-request@dcs.gla.ac.uk Please send a corresponding "unsubscribe" to resign from this list if you weary of it or are about to change e-addresses; don't send such requests to me, as I don't maintain the list. BACK ISSUES AVAILABLE: FTP, ftp://ftp.dcs.gla.ac.uk/pub/SF-Archives/Ansible Gopher, gopher://gopher.dcs.gla.ac.uk/pub/SF-Archives/Ansible Web, http://www.dcs.gla.ac.uk/SF-Archives/Ansible Search the web archive, http://www.dcs.gla.ac.uk/scripts/global/kidofwais.pl/Ansible (Thanks as always to _Naveed Khan_ for all this.) THIS & TH@ _Attitude_, Attitude@bitch.demon.co.uk British SF Association (general enquiries), bsfa@ansible.demon.co.uk BSFA general discussion list ... ask informally to be joined: terran@cityscape.co.uk Evolution (Eastercon 1996), bmh@ee.ic.ac.uk Rev. Lionel Fanthorpe, 100623.740@compuserve.com Intervention (Eastercon 1997), interven@pompey.demon.co.uk Janice Murray (_Ansible_ US agent), 73227.2641@compuserve.com Precursor, avedon@cix.compulink.co.uk The Scottish Convention, intersection@smof.demon.co.uk _SF Eye_/Steve Brown, eyebrown@pipeline.com Pat & Roger Sims (DUFF), 73473.2247@compuserve.com Alan Stewart (_Ansible_ Aussie agent; DUFF), s_alanjs@eduserv.its.unimelb.EDU.AU Late DUFF nominations can be e-mailed (see just above for administrators' addresses) to meet the 31 Oct deadline, but a signed paper copy should follow by post. THE SPIDER BITES BACK Evolution (Eastercon 1996), http://www.tardis.ed.ac.uk/~simon/evolve/ Laurie Mann's interesting sf/fan links, http://www.lm.com/~lmann/hot/sf.html The Scottish Convention, http://www.dcs.gla.ac.uk/intersection Science Fiction Foundation Collection, http://www.liv.ac.uk/~asawyer/sffchome.html _The Skeptic_ magazine (UK), http://www.cs.man.ac.uk/aig/staff/toby/skeptic.html Worldcon bids round-up by Chaz Baden, http://sundry.hsc.usc.edu/hazel/www/bids/bids.html Worldcons ditto, http://sundry.hsc.usc.edu/lacon3-info/www/worldcons.html NEW TYPOS FOR OLD. I was boggled by general Internet enthusiasm for typing in boring old _Ansible_s. All pre-electronic issues are now assigned for rekeying by bold volunteers: Joe Albert, Karen Babich, Chaz Baden, Janice M.Eisen, Doug Faunt, Len Hatfield, Marcus Hill, Dan Hoey, David Kennedy, Philip Johnson, Richard Newsome, Tony Smith, Jan van 't Ent, Bill Welch, Elizabeth Willey, and Adrian Wontroba. Some of these splendid people even came back for second helpings.... AVRAMGRAM: `I have prepared a mostly complete preliminary bibliography of Avram Davidson (_The Phoenix and the Mirror_, _The Adventures of Doctor Eszterhazy_, etc) and will send a text file to any interested persons, if they send a note to my e-mail address: hwessells@reedref.com (Henry Wessells).' Ansible 97 Copyright (c) Dave Langford, 1995. Thanks to Steve Brown, Critical Wave, Ken Lake, Chris Priest, Garth Spencer, Martin Morse Wooster and our Hero Distributors: Janice Murray (NA), SCIS, Alan Stewart (Oz), Martin Tudor and Bridget Wilkinson (FATW). 3 Aug 95 David Langford ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk ANSIBLE 97 1/2 WORLDCON 1995 From DAVE LANGFORD, 94 London Road, Reading, Berkshire, RG1 5AU, UK. Fax 01734 669914. ISSN 0265-9816. E-mail ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk. [NET NOTE. Please see the last section for subscribe/unsubscribe information: such requests should NOT be sent to my personal e-mail address. Sorry about the delay in posting this one. DRL] ### STALKING THE WILD TAFF REPORT ### _The TransAtlantic Fan Fund still magically wafts its democratically chosen delegates from Europe to North America, and vice versa. Not all winners have published the once traditional full-length trip report ... but partial reports also include much nifty material. Here _Ansible _offers tiny extracts from Great Incomplete Trip Reports (some may yet be completed). To give the illusion of rigorous research, winners are listed chronologically with arrows to indicate eastward (>>) or westward (<<) transatlantic trips. _ 1952 << WALT WILLIS. Technically pre-TAFF, but nevertheless the inspiration for it all. Report: _The Harp Stateside_, 1957. 1954 << VINCE CLARKE. Could not make the trip. 1955 << KEN BULMER. Report: _TAFF Tales_, 1959-61, completed but not collected. `1. Thorn on the Rose' in _Orion 21_, 1959: `Many of you must have heard of the rumours that Bulmer was arrested in the States, that he was sent for a term to Sing-Sing, that the FBI trailed him everywhere....' _(A police car had stopped him for Pavement Walking in Cincinnati:)_ `"What're you doing, bub?" [...] The driver was youngish, obviously swollen-headed over the fact that he wore a uniform and had a powerful car under his hands, a badge and a) a tommy gun down by his leg. b) a pistol at his belt. c) a riot gun in the back seat. d) and probably an H-bomb in a SAC B-52b on call from his car radio. I showed them my driving licence. The youngster started to tear off each year's licence as though the thing were a book. "Don't be stupid," I said, or something even more wounding, and snatched the thing away. He bristled. The older man at his side said a few quiet words to soothe him down and then casually, as though exercising Herlock Sholmesian craft, mentioned the word "English". [...] After that we got on like a house on fire.' 1956 >> LEE HOFFMAN. Declined TAFF trip; travelled privately. 1957 >> BOB MADLE. Report: _A Fakefan In London_, 1976. 1958 << RON BENNETT. Report: _Colonial Excursion_, 1961. 1959 >> DON FORD. Report: _TAFF Baedeker_ (in 2 parts, 1960-1). 1960 << ERIC BENTCLIFFE. Report: _Epitaff_, 1961. 1961 >> RON ELLIK. Report: _The Squirrel's Tale_, 1969. 1962 << ETHEL LINDSAY. Report: _The Lindsay Report_, 1963. 1963 >> WALLY WEBER. Partial report rumoured but not traced. 1964 << ARTHUR THOMSON (ATOM). Report: _Atom Abroad_, 1965. 1965 >> TERRY CARR. `Beyond the Mnemonic Statute of Limitations' in _Raffles 8_, 1984: `Mike Moorcock introduced himself and insisted on buying me a pint even though he was in his scuffling days then. We talked about the time a few years before when he was scripting the British _Tarzan_ comic book or some such and Tuckerized Dave Rike as one of the characters; Mike also mumbled and muttered, in that way he had even then, about London fan and pro factions -- the New Wave was just getting started in 1965 -- and I never did get straight just who hated whom or why, except that everyone seemed to hate Charles Platt. _Plus ca change...._' [] `As a recent TAFF winner wrote to me, it's a "pain in the ass, remembering the names of all these foreigners"....' [] `All this happened nearly twenty years ago, in a time few people remember and even those of us who took part in it find nearly mythic and recall it through a pint, stoutly.' 1966 << TOM SCHLUCK. Bits in German-language fanzines only? 1968 >> STEVE STILES. Various deranged fragments (with a slight gap between 1968 and 1984) under the overall title _Harrison Country_. `Chapter 31, pg 147' in _BSFAN 15_, 1986, claims to be his TAFF speech: `You're scum! _Scum!_ Every last one of you. You know, as I look out over your sallow faces I, I ... ack! ack! ... I have to swallow very hard. There is something quite scabrous about British fandom [...] Decency ... You've heard of decency? Are you even _aware_ of what the word means? I thought not ... I think that if I were to take that word and inscribe it on the head of this pin, and take that pin and immerse it in this pitcher of water and lock the pitcher in this drawer, and perhaps wrap the whole thing in pliable styrofoam ... why, if that word had sentience it would scream in outrage! [] You're all damned! Damned and deserving of those torments; deserving of the red hot gridirons blistering you up nice and crisp, the pong of sulphur in your nostrils, and you screaming for mercy but there will be _no_ mercy, for you ... are ... British fandom!' 1969 << EDDIE JONES. Apparently nothing. 1970 >> ELLIOT SHORTER. Segments in _Locus_ and _Spanish Inquisition._ 1971 << MARIO BOSNYAK. Published nothing, mysteriously claiming that if he did he'd have had to tell the truth and cause offence. 1973 >> LEN & JUNE MOFFATT. _The Moffatt House Abroad_, 1974. 1974 << PETER WESTON. Segments including `Stranger in a Very Strange Land' in _SF Monthly_, 1974: `Imagine 3,000 science fiction fans packed into one huge hall; a hotel reputed to possess nearly four miles of internal corridors; and total receipts of well over a quarter of a million dollars! Yes, _everything_ is big at an American World Science Fiction Convention!' [] `"You Dirty Old Man, Asimov," called Ellison from a dais in the centre of the main hall. "Stand up, Harlan!" retorted Asimov from the top table, referring to Ellison's modest height.' [] `I noticed that as a result of the John Norman "Gor" books, slave girls in chains were particularly abundant this year!' [] `All too soon the next day, the WorldCon came to an end, its main arteries severed and its life- blood flowing down the steps of the hotel....' 1976 >> ROY TACKETT, BILL BOWERS (tie; Bowers could not travel). Tackett published a 4-page summary report in _Sticky Quarters 13_, 1985. 1977 << PETER ROBERTS. 8 chapters of _New Routes In America_.... `2. Big City Hustle', _Egg 11_, 1978: `Ideally all fans should look thoroughly remarkable so that it would be simple and straightforward to introduce them; I could then say, for example, that Suzanne Tompkins was eight foot tall with green hair, or Gary Farber was the furry bloke with purple ears and a gold lame eyepatch. No problems then. [...] In fact, of course, apart from a faintly luminous fannish aura, most fans look almost human.' [] `5. Freeways and Turnpikes', _Mota 27_, 1979: `American roads go straight ahead, oblivious of the landscape around them. Even a modern British motorway looks like a meandering folly beside a US highway. The Americans must have taken small maps and big rulers and drawn bloody great lines connecting the cities. Then they simply went out and built roads where the lines were marked. It didn't matter to them what was there: valleys, hills, forests, rivers -- they ignored the lot.' [] `7: SunCon and the Sea Off Miami' in _Gritbin 2_, 1980: `The architect had apparently conceived the [hotel] as a synthesis of bus station and barracks, but the decorator had eschewed such utilitarianism and had done the whole thing up like a backwoods brothel. [] My favourite monstrosity was a chair outside the lifts near my room. It was massive, high-backed, covered in red plush, and winged with two elderly nymphs whose sharply- pointed breasts jutted out so far that they snagged the clothes of passers-by. I've never seen a chair with dangerous nipples before. I wouldn't have minded that as a souvenir.' 1979 >> TERRY HUGHES. `Two-Fisted TAFF Tales' portion in _Sticky Quarters 13_, 1985. `_Bam!_ The pool cue slammed into the back of my skull. I whirled around to face my attacker [...] I'd thought my biggest worry would be drunken fans pissing on my shoes.....' 1980 << DAVE LANGFORD. _The Transatlantic Hearing Aid_, 1985. 1981 >> STU SHIFFMAN. Published chapter, `A Raffles Lad Abroad or The Road to Yorcon' in _Raffles 6_, 1982: `It's hell in woman's undies.' [] `"Everyone," he called out at the boarding gate, "this man is being deported for income tax evasion!" and "Make room -- he's running away from his four wives!" He's a good buddy....' [] `By spectacular coincidence, Reading [Berkshire] looks rather "British" to me. I haven't quite figured out why -- aside from all the Britons and signs in English.' [] `There had been other sights, like the Town Hall-Library- Museum. The last had provided a good overview of local history, with relics of Roman, Saxon, Tudor and later times. Material on Reading Abbey, stuffed birds and animals, and a collection of Huntley & Palmer biscuit tins. I can't help it -- I'm an unrepentant history freak.' [] `I read the _Twll-Ddu_ that Dave had given me. It contained [...] the first instalment of the Dreaded Langford TAFF report. The filthy swine....' 1982 << KEVIN SMITH. Nothing. 1983 >> AVEDON CAROL. Bit in _Ansible 33_, 1983: `They tell me that Albacon II was Not So Hot as Eastercons go, organizationally a mess and all that, but I couldn't tell. I had the good luck to be mostly unfamiliar with the normal run of local fanpolitics, and I wasn't in on the gory details, which I must say I found refreshing. [...] I had no trouble finding the Fanroom, and therefore the fans, which is the main thing. So as far as I was concerned everything was fine. [...] Must say I got a bit tired of the same old fish for lunch every day, and breakfast was too early. I certainly would have preferred a better grade of soft drink, but the bartender who kept grabbing his crotch supplied an interesting floorshow. I do wish, however, that D.West would take up a game which makes a more interesting spectator sport.... And everyone was really just absolutely triffic and you see if I write my TAFF report right now it will be all mushy and effusive and even maudlin and not very funny and -- shit, now I know why no one ever finishes a TAFF report.' _(The allusion to D.West's domino-playing, at a time when he was denying he'd stand for TAFF, may hardly seem like sabotage of D.'s 1984 candidacy. But that's how the instigator of the 1984 TAFF wars saw it....)_ 1984 << ROB HANSEN. Published report: _On The Taff Trail_, 1994. 1985 >> PATRICK & TERESA NIELSEN HAYDEN. `Work in Progress' fragments and one full chapter: `Aspects and Inclinations' in _Hyphen 37_, 1987: `Another day we drove from Donaghadee up to Portstewart, to have tea with the Whites, give James his Doc Weir Award, and commit a silly oneshot on the impressive new White word processor by way of christening it. The official presentation of the Doc Weir Award was thorough, taking place six times so that James could be photographed trying to look Naughty with Teresa while she presented the cup and certificate. Our own snapshots reveal that neither party has the least talent for visible wickedness; the photo of James demonstrating Psneeronics is much more striking. Meanwhile Peggy White laid out lavish quantities of food and conversation, including a lively reenactment of the time she got stuck on a programme item debating male _vs._ female superiority. At a loss for points of feminist theory to argue, she improvised by marching over to a short member of the opposing team (she's not far shy of six foot), putting her hand on the top of his head, and announcing, "I, for one, object to being referred to as The Little Woman!" To her great relief the point carried the day....' 1986 << GREG PICKERSGILL. Greg intended his report to incorporate other fans' accounts of his travels. Thus Linda Blanchard in _Scattershot 3_, 1986, sees him interviewed by Ted White: `To the question of how, after years of speaking out against TAFF and belittling American fandom, he'd decided to run for TAFF and come over, Greg answered that he'd finally met some Americans "who weren't as dimwitted as we'd thought. You could actually hold a conversation with them." There had been some good Americans over in recent years, like Stu Shiffman, but they were rather quiet. "And you didn't notice that retiring violet, Avedon Carol, right?" Ted laughed. "No actually," Greg said, straight faced, "since she spent most of her time humping Rob Hansen." It was the visit from the Nielsen Haydens that knocked him silly. Suddenly there were these two quite interesting fans who just dropped in seeming to know about everything [...] and Pickersgill hadn't known them at all. Later, at home, he hauled out all the NH fanzines he'd received over the years and read them for the first time....' [] `Taffman in Toronto' by Mike Glicksohn in _The Caprician 4_, 1989: `In order to demonstrate the intensity and sincerity of his feeling he abruptly left his couch, marched through the front door of the hotel and threw up against the side of the building.' [] `... a Damn Fine TAFF delegate.' 1987 >> JEANNE GOMOLL. Portions under the overall title _Always Coming Home_. `Chapter 2' in _Whimsey 7_, 1992: `Greg said that Scott and I stood out as obviously American. Was it my backpack? Scott's jean jacket? Something about the way we moved? There didn't seem to be a huge difference in the way we dressed, not when you considered each garment, one at a time. Of course, people heard our American accents and would know, but even when we were silent, we were recognized. Toward the end of our trip, Scott and I were riding a train south [...], and Scott made his way to the rest room down an aisle through a group of young, male partyers. One guy yelled at the top of his lungs and pointed directly at Scott, "American!" Scott returned stunned and confused, wondering how he had betrayed his nationality....' [] `"Whatever you do," warned Linda [Krawecke], "don't go on about the cute, little packages in the stores." [...] A Brit within earshot of an American exclaiming over the "cute" packages would probably categorize the speaker as a typical American, obsessed with bigness, wealth and over-indulgence. I figured it had more to do with the difference between American and Brit refrigerators....' 1988 << LILIAN EDWARDS & CHRISTINA LAKE. _Lilian_ -- `I have to hang my head in shame and say I have _never_ written any of my TAFF trip up....' _Christina_ -- four discontinuous segments including `Voodoo Jambalaya' in _The Caprician 4_, 1989: `Surely I would find something fabulous in the dealer's room of a big American convention? Surely it would be an experience not to be missed? Well, actually, no. I'd seen better selections of books in some of the stores of San Francisco, newer American editions at British conventions, more children's fantasy in Horfield junior library. In fact most of the stalls seemed mainly interested in selling Star Trek memorabilia or dragon/unicorn jewellery.' [] `Bill Wagner, a large, amiable American who was feeling a bit morose because he'd just split with his girl friend, began expounding his theory on the restoration of virginity. I forget the details, mainly because I wasn't taking it seriously at the time, but it seemed to involve nuns and strange popping noises on aeroplanes. "Yes, Bill," I said to keep him happy (after all, we were planning to crash at his flat in New York). "Yes, Bill, I'm sure that we'll all get our virginity back some day." But this seemed to be missing the point....' 1989 >> ROBERT LICHTMAN. Portion in FAPA; privately circulated synopsis; `Doorway' in _Trapdoor 9_, 1990: `One of the fringe benefits of being a TAFF delegate is that you can generally move between feuding elements of the host fandom without rancour on anyone's part. Often I felt like a Heinleinesque "fair witness" as I spent time with various of the warring factions and got to hear their respective viewpoints of the battle lines of British fandom. Preferring mostly to socialize and sightsee, when interfan hassles were discussed, I usually just listened -- to scope out for myself (if possible) the truth (ever shifting and often elusive) of the various positions I'd seen espoused in fanzines. When I occasionally commented, it was mostly in a general way, trying my best not to take sides. Sometimes this was challenging....' 1991 << PAM WELLS. Nothing ... or so she _claims_. 1992 >> JEANNE BOWMAN. _The Almost Factual Fan_, condensed reports for _Ansible_ ... `_Friday_. We must down to the sea -- hustle to Illumination in time to be identified from the opening audience. "Hello Jeanne." "Hello Pam." TAFF snapshots panel. 7 people attend, inc. ops personnel. Hotel room has a gorgeous Irish Sea view, and a peculiar plaintive wailing with the ocean breezes. _Saturday_. Illumination. Joseph Nicholas, Green, astonished, watches Greys hoist selves on own petards in panel debate. Ian Watson draws big crowd for "51st State" discussion. I assert Puerto Rico first in line for the honour. Brief pang of homesickness -- where are the dozens of hard boiled eggs to colour? Haunting Ramsey Campbell reading. Disco sucks. _Sunday_. Illumination. Pam Wells reveals interest in filking. "Ghosts of Honour" panel -- Don Herron flawless laconic Willeford, Ian Watson transcendent as Olaf Stapledon, sly double headed Wm.Burroughs characters and Bob Shaw. Howling success. Colour Coordinated TAFF Auction. _Monday_. Indian lunch with the Ramsey Campbells. Peter Atkins and Paul McAuley lasted till they threw us out at 4pm. Continued illumination with D.West in Keighley. _Tuesday_. Drag D. to Haworth (he offers to show street corner where Bronte boy bought dope) and we wuther in the heights....' 1993 << ABIGAIL FROST. One-off fanzine _In Progress_ produced on trip, plus `The Frost Report' fragments sent to _Ansible_ ... `You left your heroine at Seattle Zoo, finding a bright orange slug with beautifully crisp dotted lines on its back (I bet they don't come out in the slide, though). Seattle turns out to be paradise on Earth. As an estuarine port with an aviation factory, it is of course the colonial equivalent of Bristol, but that doesn't quite cover it adequately. Mostly I lotos-ate (Lebanese meal with le tout Seattle, party at Vonda McIntyre's where I was billeted in her absence) and shopped (Pike Place Market, Left Bank Books and the unutterably wonderful Archie McPhee's), but had a healthy day walking in the foothills of Mt Rainier with Andy Hooper, Carrie Root and Bill "I tell you it's a gigantic mutant gerbil!" Bodden. Pine martens chased ground squirrels up trees, marmots (words cannot express how ridiculous they are, honest) bared their teeth at Andy as he declaimed fanzine articles to the echoing glade, glaciers crept inexorably downwards and a chipmunk climbed up my jumper.' 1995 >> DAN STEFFAN. We'll let him finish his trip first. Maybe. ### GEEKS' CORNER ### To receive _Ansible_ monthly via e-mail, send a message with the single word `subscribe' (no quote marks) to: ansible-request@dcs.gla.ac.uk Please send a corresponding "unsubscribe" to resign from this list if you weary of it or are about to change e-addresses; don't send such requests to me, as I don't maintain the list. BACK ISSUES AVAILABLE: FTP ... ftp://ftp.dcs.gla.ac.uk/pub/SF-Archives/Ansible Gopher ... gopher://gopher.dcs.gla.ac.uk/pub/SF-Archives/Ansible Web ... http://www.dcs.gla.ac.uk/SF-Archives/Ansible Search the web archive ... http://www.dcs.gla.ac.uk/scripts/global/kidofwais.pl/Ansible (Thanks as always to _Naveed Khan_ for all this.) BUY NOW! E-mail Rob Hansen at avedon@cix.compulink.co.uk for up-to- date details of his TAFF trip report's price and availability. As for mine, let's call it #4.00 or $6.00 post free. Proceeds to TAFF, of course. If in the USA, you can send the dollars to Dan Steffan (address below) and inform me by e-mail. THOTS. _Ansible_ enjoyed a terrific response when I invited volunteer typists to key in old issues so all back numbers could be made electronically available. What next? Listed above are two trip reports whose publication in one-volume editions would surely be a Good Thing: Ken Bulmer's (complete, running to 28pp of quarto according to Vince Clarke) and Peter Roberts's (2 more chapters exist following the 8 that were published; although he stayed in America for months and would need another 20 chapters to cover all the post-Worldcon sightseeing and visits to fans, the existing material is a substantial report as it is). There is a rumour that Paul Skelton may want to do the Bulmer report unilaterally. What does net fandom think of farming out the bits of the Roberts _New Routes in America_ for keying-in (it's nothing like as voluminous as that stack of old _Ansible_s)? The first benefit would be that we can all read it on line; the second, that printed copies could be run off and the SCIFI $500.00 bounty for a published TAFF report collected at last. STOP PRESS NEWSFLASHES! Peter Roberts has been in touch, is happy for me to do what I will with his material, offers to send the original artwork for his self-published chapters.... I have since received the Elliot Shorter chapter from _The Spanish Inquisition_ (1976) ed. Jerry Kaufman and Suzanne Tompkins, courtesy of Jerry Kaufman, and located the Roy Tackett and Terry Hughes segments (in _Sticky Quarters_ ed. Brian Earl Brown) which hadn't been traced when the first printed edition of this special _Ansible_ was prepared; a tiny bit from the latter has been squeezed in. And Robert Lichtman informs me that despite her dubious claims, Pam Wells did in fact publish one TAFF segment covering post-trip blues: `Depression Tango' in _Saliromania 6_ ed. Michael Ashley, 1991. Lastly, at The Scottish Convention itself, Lilian Edwards published a first episode in her _The Wrong Leggings 3_. Keep watching the skies! Ansible 97 1/2 Copyright (c) Dave Langford, 1995. Thanks for help to Vince Clarke, Peter Roberts and the `Timebinders' group. Current TAFF administrators are (Europe) Abigail Frost, 95 Wilmot St, London, E2 0BP, and (NA) Dan Steffan, 3804 S 9th St, Arlington, VA 22204, USA. My and Rob Hansen's trip reports are still being sold in aid of TAFF: ask us! August 95 David Langford ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk ANSIBLE 98 SEPTEMBER 1995 From DAVE LANGFORD, 94 London Road, Reading, Berkshire, RG1 5AU, UK. Fax 01734 669914. ISSN 0265-9816. E-mail ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk. Cartoon: D.WEST. Available for SAE or infallible Worldcon hangover cure. [NET NOTE. Please see the last section for subscribe/unsubscribe information: such requests should NOT be sent to my personal e-mail address. DRL] ### THE SCOTTISH CONVENTION ### It was the best of times, it was the worst of times: it was a Worldcon in the hangar-like halls of the Scottish Exhibition and Conference Centre, Glasgow. Total attendance: 4,800. All the usual desperate fun was had, punctuated by endless shuttle-bus and taxi rides between city- centre hotels and the SECC in its distant post-industrial wasteland amid car parks approximately the size of Kansas. Few coherent memories remain -- just a handful of snapshots. First and saddest: JOHN BRUNNER bustling suavely through the fan area. A hurried exchange of Hellos and then he's gone forever: a stroke, death within hours, a flood of memorials and regrets. Numbness spreads. John would have been hugely tickled by the idea of making his exit at a major convention ... but not just yet. _Lisanne Norman_ writes: `At 9 minutes past 5pm on Friday 25 August, while his wife LiYi, my friend Judith and myself held his hand, John Brunner slipped peacefully away from us. The end for him was gentle, and he went with what love all three of us could surround him with. I will never forget him.' DRUMMERS AND PIPERS ... marching through the SECC concourse and into the gigantic Hall 4 with its weirdly assorted fannish litter (bouncy castles, play areas, fast-food stalls, con bidding desks, fanzine tables, Ukrainians selling trade goods at unbelievable prices, etc, etc) to launch a lavish opening wine-party financed by Glasgow's grateful ratepayers.... A partly convincing Nessie features in the parade and nearly eats Peter Morwood. SAMUEL R.DELANY (GoH) with a beard more genially patriarchal than ever, encountered at a HarperCollins celebration mysteriously sited on a moored Clyde ferry miles from anywhere. He has read my fanzine writings! I swoon. IAN AND JUDY WATSON telling of a fire evacuation from the Moat House Hotel (where showers trigger alarms if you leave the bathroom door open). `We thought you had to run to the car park in your _pyjamas_!' gesticulates Ian, `We were the only ones! Everyone else had anoraks and camo gear!' To make it more interesting, Judy adds: `And of course Ian had this enormous erection.' TERRY PRATCHETT magically converting the same fire alert into a 4am signing session when he encountered a fan carrying (all together now) a Rare Unsigned Copy. TP's antics with a pop-up dildo during a panel with Tom Holt remain veiled in diplomacy. JOHN CLUTE on the _Fantasy Encyclopaedia_ panel, miraculously conveying his theory of true fantasy's pattern of Wrongness, Thinning and Healing against near-impossible odds. Problem: the SECC acoustics. `Rooms' are flimsy, non-soundproofed, roofless enclosures; voices float upward into murmurous echoing vastness. To use the sound system is to compete with adjacent rooms: since the entrances face one another, John finds himself staring down the aisle at his hated sonic rival across the way, who is Gardner Dozois. Each manically succeeds in drowning out the other. (To do it properly, the committee explains firmly, would have cost money.) VINCE CLARKE (FGoH) tucking into frogs' legs under the watchfully sozzled eye of his self-appointed minder Chuch Harris: `I am here to make sure he has fun _whether he likes it or not_.' MICHAEL SWANWICK musing, `I like gratuitous sex and think it has a place in fiction as well....' GREG PICKERSGILL (fan area Grubby Eminence) blinking when a mild `Hello' to Teresa Nielsen Hayden elicits the response `FUCK YOU, PICKERSGILL!' -- little does he know that seconds earlier, TNH placed a bet with me that GP would ignore her all weekend.... EVENING FAN PROGRAMME offering Moose TV, Ian Sorensen's play _Dune or The Sand of Music_, and The Lovely Jackie McRobert (so described on her visiting cards). FANFUNDERY ... TAFF's Dan (and Lynn) Steffan, and GUFF's Ian Gunn and Karen Pender-Gunn, all being jolly good guests. PETER WESTON fulfilling a ritual Worldcon need by hurling beer over the most Scientologist-like figure to hand -- in this case, Ted White.... ### HUGO CEREMONY ### Vast crowds filling the Extravaganzas hall amid the usual atmosphere of sweaty paranoia exuding from nominees whose pose of Total Cool is fast eroded by delays and minor presentations: BIG HEART award to Ken Slater, FIRST FANDOM to Jack Speer and Harry Warner Jr; Cordwainer Smith gets a `Japanese Hugo' (SEIUN AWARD) for the 1961 `A Planet Named Shayol' and Dan Simmons another for _Hyperion_. Robert Silverberg's spoken memorial for John Brunner is simple, word-perfect, and causes a four-minute standing ovation for the late great man. This feels right -- as does the JOHN W.CAMPBELL award for best new writer, presented to our very own Jeff Noon. Then the Hugos proper. FANZINE: shock horror victory of _Ansible_. FAN ARTIST: Teddy Harvia. (Meanwhile your editor is detained in a Kafkaesque maze backstage, until -- ) FAN WRITER, me: I can only say, `Unfortunately, Martin Hoare can't be with us tonight....' SEMIPROZINE: _Interzone_ -- and suddenly this award's impartial presenter Kim Newman is leaping gleefully around `like a demented Muppet' as David Pringle marches to the stage. ARTWORK: _Lady Cottington's Pressed Fairy Book_ by Brian Froud and Terry Jones. DRAMATIC: _All Good Things_ (_ST:TNG_). PRO ARTIST: Jim Burns. PRO EDITOR: Gardner Dozois, whose shadow never grows less. NONFICTION: _I. Asimov: a Memoir_ by the late Himself. SHORT STORY: `None So Blind' by ever-popular Joe Haldeman. NOVELETTE: `The Martian Child' by David Gerrold, who with memorable tackiness hauls his young son on-stage to eulogize him as the Real Martian Child. (A voice says, `He was worse at the Nebulas.') NOVELLA: `Seven Views of Olduvai Gorge' by Mike Resnick -- nominated in four categories and thus, in inscrutable US phrasing, the first person to bat .250 in the Hugos. NOVEL: _Mirror Dance_ by Lois McMaster Bujold. And so to wild parties, fireworks, tears, sighs of relief and, all night, a background throb of gloating from a select few. `I'm still making the Hugos,' confides artificer Peter Weston, `but basically it's a sideline.' He adds in doomy tones, `This empowers me to say: _Remember, Langford, you are but mortal_.' H'mm. Is 11 too many? ### LAST SNAPSHOTS ### CHRIS PRIEST, bemusedly discovering that his squib _The Book on the Edge of Forever_ ended up a mere 4 votes behind the Asimov nonfiction Hugo winner; also that mild-mannered Norman Spinrad carried a commission from Harlan Ellison to `punch Priest out if he wins'. (`I keep wondering why I would become _more_ punchable for winning an award I did not canvass, when the presumed offence remains, irrespective of winning or not winning? In other words, why didn't Norman belt me one while he had the chance?' Apparently because, while muttering something non-committal to placate the great HE, NS has no intention of being silly enough to obey instructions.) BALTIMORE, winners of the 1998 Worldcon site selection vote, mercilessly pursuing their `pirates' bidding theme by naming the convention `BucConeer'. Oh dearie me. Details: PO Box 1376, Baltimore, MD 21203, USA. BALANCED REPORTING: the _Sunday Mail_ attacking nasty anorak-wearing sci- fi fans in a story headed _Weirdos' Show Is Branded A Rip-Off_. This is justified by (a) locating a woman who owing to media misrepresentation has expected a free _Star Trek_ exhibition and doesn't like what she finds after paying #90; (b) moving on to lengthy descriptions of oddball fans `looking as though they were on drugs' without finding space to report that the complainer got a rapid refund. SCIENCE PROGRAMME organizers groaning that their early and frequent requests for equipment went astray in the committee's management labyrinth: nevertheless, despite the maddening proximity of a Live Aliens promotion playing awful music and sound effects at top volume all too near the science and fan areas, it is agreed (and endorsed by Mighty Jon Cowie, Before Whom Mere Fans Tremble) that they do a splendid job. BOB GUCCIONE of _Omni_ infamy being revealed, on p79 of Dorling Kindersley's spiffily produced _Science Fiction: The Illustrated Encyclopaedia_, to look uncannily like me. Separated at birth? `Not my fault,' ringingly declares compiler John Clute. `This should be worth lots of publicity in _Ansible_....' _VOICE OF THE MYSTERONS_, the con newsletter, producing an impressive 15 issues plus many extras (can you spot the unsigned Langford contributions?). In unwise homage to the Mexicon headline that plunged hotel relations into war, a squib about booze running out at a publishers' party is titled SCUM! SCUM! SCUM!. Repeated apologies (`That wasn't _grovelling_ enough!') are demanded by massed publishers who threaten the Ultimate Sanction of not paying the bar bill.... TYPO OF THE CONVENTION: Wizards of the Coast, purveyors of expensively addictive card games, billing themselves in one of their own ads as `Wizards of the Cost'. STRANGE FRUIT: Chuch Harris exploring a fruit-bowl in the suite where I'm holding a post-Hugo sprawl, and finding weird objects covered in thick blue fur. Fascinated, he pops one between finger and thumb in a gooey red splatter. A special effect from _Alien_, or a symbol of Intersection's good things (acoustics excepted) bursting through layers of foreboding? No, it is an elderly Glasgow strawberry. THE END. Sore-throated and euphoric, I am toying with a final drink in the Central Hotel and telling hungover Tony Berry all about last night's spiffy Indian restaurant meal. Slowly he speaks: `I was there. At the same table. You twit.' It seems time to leave.... Martin Hoare briefs me extensively on the horrors of getting massive, rocket-shaped chunks of metal through airport security: in fact the Glasgow x-ray operator merely falls around laughing and beckons colleagues with noises of `We've Got A Right One Here!' The rest is history. ### CONIINE ### 22-4 Sep [] 6TH FESTIVAL OF FANTASTIC FILMS, Sacha's Hotel, Manchester. #45 reg: cheques to `Society of Fantastic Films'. Contact 95 Meadowgate Rd, Salford, Manchester, M6 8EN. 28 Sep - 1 Oct [] BOUCHERCON (World Mystery Con), Royal Moat House Hotel, Nottingham. GoH Colin Dexter, James Ellroy. #55 reg. Cheques to Conference Nottingham, Business Info Centre, 309 Haydn Rd, Nottingham, NG5 1DG. Oct [] FANTASYCON ... has lapsed into oblivion this year. 27-31 Oct [] WELCOME TO MY NIGHTMARE (horror part of UK Year of Literature Festival), Swansea. #15 reg. Contact 14 Cae Eithin, Llangyfelach, Swansea, SA6 6EZ. _British Fantasy Awards & BFS AGM moved here owing to collapse of Fantasycon._ 5-8 Apr 96 [] EVOLUTION (Eastercon), Radisson Edwardian Hotel, nr Heathrow. Now #28 reg; `very soft currencies #5'. Contact 13 Lindfield Gdns, Hampstead, London, NW3 6PX. _Rumblings_ [] INTUITION is a 1998 Eastercon bid: 38 Scotland Rd, Cambridge, CB4 1QG. [] Grown men pulled their own heads off rather than imagine the rumoured Worldcon bid CARDIFF IN 2003. ### INFINITELY IMPROBABLE ### RANDOM FANDOM. _Jim Barker_ mutters: `What with bloody computers, software and clip art, the graphic design area is not what it was and I've decided to expand the cartoon illustration side of things. (The day someone develops a program than can emulate Jim Barker style cartoons, we can all quietly fade away....)' [] _Jon Langford_'s mighty maleness was in the _Guardian_ `Women' pages (24 Aug): a plaster model clutched to the bosom of `Cynthia Plastercaster', who collects, er, impressions of rock stars.... [] _Joseph Nicholas_ was seen in deep trance at his own pre-con party, captioned `I died in the war for people like you -- give generously.' Sideshow proceeds went to GUFF.... [] TAFF: ballots detailing a race between Leo Brett, Pel Torro and John E.Muller may lack authenticity. Their origin is hinted only in Abigail Frost's eldritch cry after receiving a vote on this form: `You Bastard, Dave Clark!' She adds: `The 1996 (westward) race looms. Nomination deadlines to be announced.' Those wishing a TAFF trip to LAcon should be canvassing nominators now: 3 European, 2 N.American, and no more, please. 95 Wilmot St, London, E2 0BP. [] D.WEST's _Deliverance_ (150pp duplicated A4), comprising his awesome fanzine writings since 1985, was selling briskly in Glasgow. Now #9/$25 (no $ cheques) from 17 Carlisle St, Keighley, W.Yorks, BD21 4PX. Well-written, irritating, meaty, controversial stuff. C.O.A. _Charles & Cora Burbee_, 46749 Pala Rd, Temecula, CA 92592, USA. _Tommy Ferguson_, 42 Ava Drive, Belfast, BT7 3DW. _Sally Ann Melia_, 2 Waynflete Street, Earlsfield, London, SW18 3QE. R.I.P. _Michael Ende_, best known for _The Neverending Story_ (whose movie version he despised as plastic kitsch), died aged 65 on 28 Aug. Thog's Masterclass. `The flame's hand flattened the road flat.' (K.W. Jeter, _Blade Runner 2_) [S] [] `His chuckle seemed to come from below his belt.' (Nancy Price, _Night Woman_, 1992) [PB] ### JOHN BRUNNER, 1934-1995 ### CHRIS PRIEST WRITES ... John Brunner's sudden death at the Glasgow Worldcon came as a profound shock, but not, sadly, to those who had been in contact with him recently, a surprise. Every conversation I had with John in the last two or three years was spiked with his unhappiness, frustration and disappointment. His health had become intermittently poor, his finances generally shaky and his career seemed at a low ebb. But in earlier years he was buoyant. John was the first major sf writer I came to know personally, and although I often found his company uncomfortable, because away from home he put on a defensive veneer, I never ceased to admire him, like him and more often than not love him. Here is what I will remember of him: John was a passionate political liberal: he was against the bomb, against racism, against government oppression, against corruption. Many of us are too, but John gave up most of his non-writing life to these causes. He lobbied, marched, wrote songs, joined committees, demonstrated. He and his first wife Marjorie were constant and loyal friends to me throughout the break-up of my first marriage. None but the three of us knew this, and now only I remain. At home: He had the largest collection of folk and jazz records I have ever seen. He was a brilliant and adventurous cook, and delighted in giving his guests gullet-searing soups or palate-teasing delicacies. John liked fast, open-top cars, enjoyed wine and tobacco, revelled in the company of women. He loved animals. He enjoyed excruciating people with his awful and invariably unfunny puns. He was personally generous, giving freely his hospitality, time and interest. Professionally: He was a fierce defender of what he understood science fiction to be -- I once saw him stoutly standing up to a film-company executive, whose film _Zardoz_ John reckoned to betray all the things for which sf stood, and who was threatening to drag John outside for a scrap. His novels were highly readable, fast-moving, professionally executed and extrovert in style; the best of his serious novels, _Stand on Zanzibar_, _The Shockwave Rider_, one or two others, are amongst the finest, most imaginative and best written works in the field (memorial editions must surely appear?). I _never_ heard John say anything bitchy or jealous about another writer. On the contrary, he was supportive and helpful to young writers; at the same time he always told them the truth about their writing, as he saw it. (I recall this well.) He had an incisive critical mind, as anyone who was at a Milford Conference with him will know. He was probably the widest-read man I have ever met: his house was packed with books, and his mind was furnished with their contents. John, in his literary-database role, would delight in showing off his knowledge, always with a playful edge, often with serendipitous results. He was a friend, and while the world at large has lost one of its best and most under-rated writers, our small sf family has lost an extraordinary, intelligent, erudite and amusing man. Our loss is terrible. (Chris Priest) John Brunner's secular funeral was held at Taunton Deane Crematorium on Wed 6 Sept, with perhaps 50 in attendance. Following strange Chinese music, John's widow LiYi Tan Brunner and others (including Chris Bell, Martin Hoare, Pauline Morgan, Caroline Mullan, and Chris Priest) related memories of him. Terry Pratchett was also present. [] LiYi asks that tributes take the form of a donation to Friends of Foundation, c/o 75 Rosslyn Avenue, Harold Wood, Essex, RM3 0RG, marked as a `John Brunner Memorial' contribution. She hopes for a memorial exhibit as part of the SF Foundation Library. [] Before the funeral I re-read _The Shockwave Rider_ (for a memorial appreciation) and _Traveller in Black_ (just because) ... a rewarding way to remember John. Goodbye. ### GEEKS' CORNER ### To receive _Ansible_ monthly via e-mail, send a message with the single word "subscribe" (no quote marks) to: ansible-request@dcs.gla.ac.uk Please send a corresponding "unsubscribe" to resign from this list if you weary of it or are about to change e-addresses; don't send such requests to me, as I don't maintain the list. BACK ISSUES AVAILABLE: FTP, ftp://ftp.dcs.gla.ac.uk/pub/SF-Archives/Ansible Gopher, gopher://gopher.dcs.gla.ac.uk/pub/SF-Archives/Ansible Web, http://www.dcs.gla.ac.uk/SF-Archives/Ansible Search the web archive, http://www.dcs.gla.ac.uk/scripts/global/kidofwais.pl/Ansible (Thanks as always to _Naveed Khan_ for all this.) @ HOME British SF Association (general enquiries), bsfa@ansible.demon.co.uk Evolution (Eastercon 1996), bmh@ee.ic.ac.uk Intervention (Eastercon 1997), interven@pompey.demon.co.uk Intuition (Eastercon 1998 bid), h.steele@elsevier.co.uk Janice Murray (_Ansible_ US agent), 73227.2641@compuserve.com Alan Stewart (_Ansible_ Aussie agent; DUFF), s_alanjs@eduserv.its.unimelb.EDU.AU GRAND TARANTULA Evolution (Eastercon 1996), http://www.tardis.ed.ac.uk/~simon/evolve/ Laurie Mann's interesting sf/fan links, http://www.lm.com/~lmann/hot/sf.html Science Fiction Foundation Collection, http://www.liv.ac.uk/~asawyer/sffchome.html Worldcon bids round-up by Chaz Baden, http://sundry.hsc.usc.edu/hazel/www/bids/bids.html Worldcons ditto, http://sundry.hsc.usc.edu/lacon3-info/www/worldcons.html THOSE HUGO SPEECHLETS. No room in the printed edition, but since people have asked: _Fanwriter:_ `Unfortunately, Martin Hoare can't be with us tonight. I know this will be a sad disappointment to those who know and love the ancient fannish tradition of Martin accepting this Hugo and, every year, telling his joke. But he _has_ promised to carry out another part of the ritual by faithfully waking me up to tell me the good news at four o'clock tomorrow morning. I can hardly wait! Thank you all very much.' _Fanzine:_ `I'm trying hard to be embarrassed. There were some damn good fanzines shortlisted for this year's Hugo, and most of them had _individual issues_ thicker than a year's worth of _Ansible_. I blame my unnatural success on the people who do the actual hard work -- so let's hear it for my distributors. Janice Murray covers North America, Bridget Wilkinson dominates continental Europe, Alan Stewart blankets Australia -- and, bravest of all, Martin Tudor hacks through remote jungles to spread the gospel in the British Midlands. Finally, for the fan historians out there, thanks to Naveed Khan for making this the first Hugo-winning fanzine whose complete text comes free on Internet. Thank you all!' (Oh dear, Lilian Edwards and Christina Lake -- also Tommy McClellan and Chris Terran -- are going to kill me. I forgot to mention their splendid _Timebytes_ fanthology diptych produced for Intersection.... Good stuff, folks.) Ansible 98 Copyright (c) Dave Langford, 1995. Thanks to Paul Barnett, Gary Farber, Abigail Frost, Joseph Nicholas, Chris Priest, Simo, Hugo Voters and our Hero Distributors: Janice Murray (NA), SCIS, Alan Stewart (Oz), Martin Tudor and Bridget Wilkinson (FATW). 7 Sep 95 David Langford ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk ANSIBLE 100 NOVEMBER 1995 From DAVE LANGFORD, 94 London Road, Reading, Berkshire, RG1 5AU, UK. Fax 01734 669914. ISSN 0265-9816. E-mail ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk. Cartoon: IAN GUNN. Available for SAE or nice telegram from HM the Queen. [NET NOTE. Please see the last section for subscribe/unsubscribe information: such requests should NOT be sent to my personal e-mail address. DRL] LOOKING BACKWARD. Once upon a time in 1979, Peter Roberts decided to terminate his famed UK sf/fan newsletter _Checkpoint_ at issue 100. His slanlike tendrils combed the ether for a sucker and, after a confused interval well laced with beer, I found myself taking over with _Ansible 1_ at the 1979 Worldcon. This had the traditional first-issue defect of containing no news.... Years passed in a blur of being told by kindly fans, `It's not as good as _Checkpoint_' -- until the shock of _Ansible_'s 1987 Hugo (and overextended subscription list) led to sudden collapse: `_Ansible_ passed away peacefully somewhere in the war-torn aftermath of the 1987 Worldcon. In its best years, whenever they were, it was generally agreed that this fanzine had done great things for semicolons. Indeed, the entire cyberpunk movement is clearly influenced by the seminal production values of issue 2/3 (a testament to the artistic effect of runny duplicator ink on shiny paper). Later, though, there came a decline. After major bypass surgery to the colophon, the sadly self- indulgent _Ansible 666_ concerned itself entirely with flatulent discussions about the protocol of stapling fanzines (`My teeth gritted, and the stapler went _spung_.'). The final, posthumous issues were so rambling, ill-written and ineptly edited that they earned the scorn of all true SF aficionados by becoming best-sellers, and there were angry scenes when one of these insults to science fiction was block-voted on to the 1987 Hugo shortlist by the sinister and hateful cult of `Britfanologists', already proven by Los Angeles researchers to have been collectively responsible for the Holocaust and the postal system. Although the special Conspiracy '87 _Ansible_ was a large and imposing edifice, well suited to a Worldcon despite the poor state of repair, it cannot be denied that its manager was drunk and behaved appallingly. Let us pass over the later controversy and the sadness of _Ansible_'s lonely, alcoholic end ... and look back on the period of its greatness, believed to have appeared at the end of a sentence in issue 28.' [1989] And then in 1991 _Ansible_ mysteriously came back to life with issue 51. No one was as surprised as I. Where will it all end? ### SOMETHING STRANGE ### SIR KINGSLEY AMIS died aged 73 on 22 October. See overleaf. STEVE BAXTER continues his relentless wit: `I wonder if any of your readers have spotted the strange resemblance between Bob Eggleton's spectacular Jupiter cloudscape cover art for Gregory Benford's _Sailing Bright Eternity_ (Gollancz hc 1995) and Bob Eggleton's spectacular Jupiter cloudscape cover art for my own _Timelike Infinity_ (Roc pb 1992). Are they by any chance related? I only hope no unwary readers pick up the book and are disappointed to find it's not Stephen Baxter.' GREG BENFORD gloats over his Lord Award `for achievement in the sciences, both astrophysical research ("the standard model of the electrodynamical galactic centre") and for popularizing science, also. (If sf does that....) [] The 1995 awards, a statue and $2,500, went to two Nobel laureates and GB.' MARY GENTLE was unwell and couldn't be guest at Octocon; she was impersonated by well-known lookalike Kim Newman. BOB SHAW is embittered: `At the Scottish Convention somebody pointed out to me that Eddie Jones has been labelled as _me_ in the John Clute encyclopaedia. Somebody else at the same table suggested that I should sue. Mike Moir immediately chipped in and said Eddie Jones was the one entitled to sue. This ill-mannered remark was equally ill-timed, because I had been on the point of buying Mike a pint. He didn't get it, but perhaps Mr Jones will send him a crate of whisky.' NEAL STEPHENSON was not best pleased when _The Economist_ quoted `a recent sf novel' (i.e. his _Snow Crash_) as saying that America will soon lead the world only in software, movies and pizza delivery -- but without attribution. `I found two footnotes -- but for other people's books. Both, I note, are serious-sounding non-fiction works whose authors (unlike science-fiction novelists, alas) are evidently thought to deserve recognition for their work. [] _The Economist_ should feel free to quote my ideas with due attribution, or leave them to languish in the obscurity of mere genre fiction -- but not to enjoy the convenience of having it both ways.' Couldn't have put it better myself. ### CONTRAPPOSTO ### 3-5 Nov [] NOVACON 25, Chamberlain Hotel, Brum. #30 reg. 3-5 Nov [] RECONTANIMETED, Grand Hotel, Brum. #26 reg. 17-19 Nov [] ARMADACON VII, Astor Hotel, Elliot St, The Hoe, Plymouth. #20 reg. Contact 4 Gleneagle Ave, Mannamead, Plymouth, Devon, PL3 5HL. (01752) 267873. 18-19 Nov [] ASSIMILATION (_Trek_), Friendly Hotel, Milton Keynes. Contact 77 Holyrood Ave, South Harrow, HA2 8UD. 25-6 Nov [] THE FANTASTIC conference, Staff House, Hull University. #25 reg (#15 unwaged). Contact A.Butler, English Dept, Hull Univ, Hull, HU6 7RX. 01482 465644 (office hours). 8-11 Dec [] UK YEAR OF LITERATURE sf/fantasy section events, Swansea. Write to mighty consultant Lionel Fanthorpe, 48 Claude Rd, Cardiff, CF2 3QA, in 35,000 words or more. 4 Feb 96 [] PICOCON 13, Imperial College, London. GoH Rob Holdstock, Chris Priest. #8 reg, students _(correction)_ #4. Contact 13 Lindfield Gdns, Hampstead, London, NW3 6PX. 12-14 Jul 96 [] FAIRCON '96 (small fan event): St Enoch Hotel, Glasgow. #10 reg. Contact 3/2 226 Woodlands Rd, Glasgow, G3 6LN. The apparently accidental clash with Contagion caused inordinate fuss, chiefly because Faircon's organizer is the notorious Evil Fake Bob Shaw. Erstwhile GoH Angus McAllister was `frightened off by it all', while Faircon flyers were allegedly removed in bulk from Intersection tables. Displeasure at Faircon is indicated in Glasgow's sf newsletter _Small Fry_: but Our Bob, ever ready with the olive branch, claims to be inviting _Small Fry_ editor Michelle `Cuddles' Drayton as fan GoH.... 13-15 Jul 96 [] CONTAGION (_Trek_), Hospitality Inn, Glasgow. Contact PO Box 867, Rutherglen, Glasgow, G73 4HR. 8-10 Nov 96 [] NOVACON 26, Hotel Ibis, Birmingham. #23 reg _to 6 Nov 95_, then #25. GoH David Gemmell. Contact 14 Park St, Lye, Stourbridge, West Midlands, BY9 8SS. 28-31 Mar 97 [] INTERVENTION (Eastercon), Adelphi Hotel, Liverpool. #20 reg; _#25 from 30 Nov_; cheques to `Wincon'. Contact 12 Crowsbury Close, Emsworth, Hants, PO10 7TS. _Rumblings_ [] SF/FANTASY FESTIVAL at Kingston (K) and Surbiton (S) libraries: 8 Nov, Josh Kirby (K); 9 Nov, Rob Holdstock, Garry Kilworth, Chris Evans (S); 14 Nov, Andrew Harman (K); 18 Nov, Ian Watson (S); 21 Nov, Tom Holt (S); 25 Nov, cartoon workshop (S); 28 Nov, Paul Gravett on graphic novels (K); 5 Dec, Simon Ings (K); 8 Dec (K) & 9 Dec (S), Storm Constantine; 12 Dec Steve Baxter (K). Times/prices: call 0181 547 6421. [SJ] OCTOCON: in the _Who Really Shot John F.Kennedy_ panel, `Scott McMillan was displaying an intimate knowledge of the affair which prompted Rob Holdstock to exclaim, "It was _you_ on the grassy knoll!" McMillan: "I was looking for a wildebeeste." Near the end Kim Newman was heard to murmur, "I don't know _why_ Rob and Graham wanted the key to my room for just an hour...."' [MP] Graham? ### INFINITELY IMPROBABLE ### WORLD FANTASY AWARDS. NOVEL James Morrow, _Towing Jehovah_; NOVELLA Elizabeth Hand, `Last Summer at Mars Hills'; SHORT Stephen King, `The Man in the Black Suit'; ANTHOLOGY Ellen Datlow (ed), _Little Deaths_; COLLECTION Bradley Denton, _The Calvin Coolidge Home For Dead Comedians_ and _A Conflagration Artist_; ARTIST Jacek Yerka; SPECIAL AWARDS (pro) Ellen Datlow for editing; (fan) Bryan Cholfin for Broken Mirrors Press. [Announced at WFC#21, 29 Oct] PUBLISHERS & SINNERS. More on How Publishing Works: years ago, one of our spies (who are everywhere) saw the original MS of David Gemmell's first Alexander the Great novel. Good stuff, thought Spy X. Nifty storytelling; a fine historical novel in the Mary Renault tradition, which should be marketed as such since its fantasy content was minimal. Hearing this praise, famous (then) Legend editor Deborah Beale made a horrible face and instantly mailed the MS back to David Gemmell, demanding a rewrite to insert _lots more_ fantasy. The resulting book (reckons Spy X) was much inferior to what DG had originally written. But hey, the purity of the fantasy genre had been preserved. C.O.A. _Mark & Vanessa Loney_, PO Box 181, Campbell, ACT 2612, Australia. _Diane Duane & Peter Morwood_, Coolafinchogue, Tinahely, Co.Wicklow, Ireland. _Andi Shechter & Stu Shiffman_ (not a move: house number change only), 8616 Linden Ave N, Seattle, WA 98103, USA. TRANSATLANTIC FAN FUND. _Martin Tudor_ is first to declare himself as a candidate for the 1996 race to LAcon, though hampered by the dubious support of _Ansible_. Who will step forth to challenge him before the 2 Dec deadline? Er um.... RANDOM FANDOM. _Delany's Children_ is a `British sf group for gays, lesbians, bisexuals and their friends': #12/year. SAE for info to BM Delanys, London, WC1N 3XX. [] _Malcolm Edwards_, according to newspaper clippings sent by millions of fans, has been re-united with his pet tortoise which escaped in 1960 and has now reappeared a full 150 yards from home. I _want_ to believe this is our very own sf Malcolm Edwards, but.... [] _R.I.P.: Eric Garber_, US fan who co-authored a gay-oriented sf guide and edited gay sf/horror theme anthologies, died aged 40 on 8 Oct. [DF] [] _Teddy Harvia_ offers an anagram: `I Be Slan.' [] _Kim Huett_ ponders: `Perhaps you are indeed fandom's answer to Bob Guccione.... When can we expect to see tasteful nude studies of sf personalities tipped into future issues of _Ansible_? Jacqueline Lichtenberg and D.West re-enacting a scene from _House of Zeor_, Harry Adam Knight, Andy Porter, John Clute sprawled seductively over a PC....' [] _Lucy Huntzinger_ has a mission from God: `I rejoice to tell you I am going to visit Mexico where I fully expect to find some trace of Mexican fandom. I will be able to tell them all about the wonderful conventions we had in their honour. Won't they be surprised?' [] _Cheryl Morgan_ reports from Down Under: `The queue of Jackie McRobert suitors reached Darwin two days ago and is gradually extending across the desert towards Ayers Rock. Please don't publish news like that again -- think how many previously stable relationships you've broken up.' [] _The Fake Bob Shaw_'s life is in turmoil: `I was recently the victim of a blackmail ring led by a corrupt journalist, and his activities have cost me my job. No kidding! They attempted to set me up, failed to do so, and made up a daft story about me anyway. So, no money until my Industrial Tribunal = no conventions.' [] _Ian Sorensen_ views with alarm: `What is happening to Scots fandom? First Naveed [Khan] and Leslie have a baby, then Joan Paterson and Tibs announce an imminent sprog. Cuddles and Ralph Harold got married last week [29 Sep] -- how long before a Cuddlette appears?' [] _Larry van der Putte_ spent most of October in intensive care following chemotherapy and surgery which led to a heart attack and severe pancreas infection -- but he's now on the mend, and was released on 1 Nov. NET BOOK AGREEMENT. _Chris Priest_ muses: `My guess is that specialist dealers will not be affected too badly, since they do not compete with other booksellers for sales of bestsellers. My other opinion is that we should let the new non-net arrangements run for a while before we judge them. In the long run [...] publishers will undoubtedly increase the prices so that the discount prices wil be at much the same level as full prices now. This means the #19.99 novel discounted to #14.99 or #15.99. I'd like to hear M.Edwards's rationalization of why his firm led the way into this jungle, though....' (In the short run, the new `#15.99' Terry Pratchett is widely available at #11.99 -- which might slightly worry some fantasy/sf specialist dealers.) AVRAM DAVIDSON AWARD ... this, established by the late great man's estate, has a certain ironic appropriateness in being for `the best- beloved out-of-print works of imaginative fiction'. PSYCHIC CORNER. _Ansible_ is not afraid to record the following awesome 1968 predictions of the future! Fidel Castro assassinated by unnamed woman, 9 Aug 1970; discovery of antimagnetic forces makes rocketless space flight possible, late 70s; New York City inundated and moved further inland, 21 Jan 1980; Caucasian woman becomes leader of entire Far East, 1985; Atlantis rises and joins Africa to S.America, mid-80s; giant meteor destroys London but subsequently becomes profitable tourist attraction, 18 Oct 1988; Denver, Colorado, transformed to jelly-like mass by `strange and terrible pressure from outer space', 9 Jun 1989; Las Vegas hosts first Interplanetary Convention, 10 Mar 1990; global utopia almost achieved, 1 Jun 1995; world ends as mysterious space force sucks all oxygen from atmosphere, 18 Aug 1999. All this from _Criswell Predicts: Your Future from Now to the Year 2000!_ (1968) -- it must be good, he was in _Plan 9 from Outer Space_.... _CENTURY_ is a most impressively produced small-press sf mag in paperback format: now up to #3. $5.95, bimonthly. Contact PO Box 9270, Madison, WI 53715-0270, USA. Thog's Masterclass. _The Bookseller_ announces Jonathan Carroll's collection: _The Picnic Hand_. [CP] [] `"Oh," Zoe said. She looked at Joyce from under her eyelids.' (Stella Hargreaves in _Narrow Houses_) [PB] ### KINGSLEY AMIS, 1922-1995 ### CHRIS PRIEST WRITES ... I discovered Kingsley Amis's work through _New Maps of Hell_, a book about science fiction which in 1962 was a revelation to me and (as it turned out) to many other people too. In particular, it had a great impact on the book's own British publisher, Gollancz. Hilary Rubinstein, then editor at Gollancz, realized how few of the books Amis mentioned were available in the UK, and set about acquiring and publishing them. This was the beginning of what was for years unquestionably the most influential sf list in Britain. _New Maps of Hell_ is still one of the greatest of all books on the subject, but it is of course now dated. Many years later, when I knew Kingsley, I asked him if he had ever thought about writing a revised version, for instance to discuss Ballard, who is not even mentioned in passing in the original, or the New Wave movement of the 1960s, or anything else since. Characteristically, Amis launched into an extremely amusing tirade against bloody secondrate American writers, who had read his book and, sensing a good thing, had moved in and ruined everything. Anyway, he said, he didn't want to have to read all that stuff to catch up, only to see it start slipping out of date again. Amis's own attempts at writing sf are not his best work, although _The Alteration_ is a good genre novel (and nods gratefully to Keith Roberts and Harry Harrison, whose own alternate-worlds novels had impressed him). Amis often experimented with genre fiction, and his other sf novel, not as good, was _Russian Hide and Seek_. He also wrote _Colonel Sun_ (a James Bond novel), _The Riverside Villas Mystery_ (a murder mystery), and _The Green Man_ (a superb book: a modern ghost story with a truly frightening climax). What he excelled at, though, were his social comedies. _Lucky Jim_ was the first of these, the novel which made him famous, and the one sensed by people who never really liked Amis to be possibly his best. It was a long way from this. His writing got better as time went by, and as he grew older, more right-wing, more intemperate, more politically incorrect, his comedies became increasingly funny and ideologically unsound. My own favourites are _One Fat Englishman_, _Girl 20_, _Take a Girl Like You_, _Jake's Thing_ and _The Old Devils_, but I can also say that I never read an Amis book I didn't enjoy for one reason or another. His essays are required reading, in my view, even the slightest of them; `Sod the Public: a Consumer's Guide' is quintessential Amis. I was not a close personal friend, but I treasure my memories of my meetings with him. He was the best of company: a wonderful mimic, a storyteller, a boozer, a sharp-eyed observer. Men loved his company, but so too did a lot of women -- he was not a sexist, as I've heard him described since his death, but a misogynist, an altogether trickier proposition for feminists to deal with. He went on about things, but never tediously, and was sharpest of all about people who went on about things too long. I thought of him as our best contemporary writer, and I was distressed when I heard he had died. ### GEEKS' CORNER ### To receive _Ansible_ monthly via e-mail, send a message with the single word "subscribe" (no quote marks) to: ansible-request@dcs.gla.ac.uk Please send a corresponding "unsubscribe" to resign from this list if you weary of it or are about to change e-addresses; don't send such requests to me, as I don't maintain the list. BACK ISSUES AVAILABLE: FTP, ftp://ftp.dcs.gla.ac.uk/pub/SF-Archives/Ansible Gopher, gopher://gopher.dcs.gla.ac.uk/pub/SF-Archives/Ansible Web, http://www.dcs.gla.ac.uk/SF-Archives/Ansible Search the web archive, http://www.dcs.gla.ac.uk/scripts/global/kidofwais.pl/Ansible (Thanks as always to _Naveed Khan_ for all this.) @ THE CORE British SF Association (general enquiries), bsfa@ansible.demon.co.uk Contagion, contagion@awayteam.demon.co.uk Evolution (Eastercon 1996), bmh@ee.ic.ac.uk Faircon, faircon@psyche.dircon.co.uk Intervention (Eastercon 1997), interven@pompey.demon.co.uk Intuition (Eastercon 1998 bid), h.steele@elsevier.co.uk Mark & Vanessa Loney, loney@helotrix.defcen.gov.au Janice Murray (_Ansible_ US agent), 73227.2641@compuserve.com Picocon, icsf@ic.ac.uk Small Fry, cuddles@srian.demon.co.uk Alan Stewart (_Ansible_ Aussie agent; DUFF), s_alanjs@eduserv.its.unimelb.EDU.AU Sue Thomas, 100625.3644@compuserve.com SPIDER KISS _Century_, http://www.supranet.com/century/ Evolution (Eastercon 1996), http://www.tardis.ed.ac.uk/~simon/evolve/ Fan e-mail directory (see below), ftp://ftp.netcom.com/pub/ha/hazel/Smofs/fannish.net `The Fantastic' conference, http://www.hull.ac.uk/Hull/EL_Web/english/fanconf.htm Fanzine archive under development by Roxanne Smith-Graham, http://www.fentonnet.com/smithway/archive.html Laurie Mann's interesting sf/fan links, http://www.lm.com/~lmann/hot/sf.html Picocon, http://www.ph.ic.ac.uk/moontg/ Science Fiction Foundation Collection, http://www.liv.ac.uk/~asawyer/sffchome.html Worldcon bids round-up by Chaz Baden (changed), http://lacon3.worldcon.org/www/Bids/ Worldcons ditto, http://lacon3.worldcon.org/www/worldcons.html THE LAST DEADLOSS VISIONS. Chris Priest feels that the on-line availability of his polemical essay has continued long enough, and politely requests its removal from all on-line archives. (I have already done this for the British CIX sf conference.) No one is being asked to erase their personal copies, of course, but further public dissemination is discouraged. The printed version _The Book on the Edge of Forever_ continues -- I believe -- to be available from Fantagraphics Books. FANNISH E-MAIL DIRECTORY. A new edition of John Lorentz's directory (Release 95-C) appeared in late October. Enquiries to john_lorentz@planar.com ... or collect from the FTP site above. Ansible 100 Copyright (c) Dave Langford, 1995. Thanks to Paul Barnett, Doug Faunt, Martin Hoare, Steve Jeffrey, Locus, Marion Pitman, Chris Priest and our Hero Distributors: Janice Murray (NA), SCIS, Alan Stewart (Oz), Martin Tudor and Bridget Wilkinson (FATW). 2 Nov 95 David Langford ansible@cix.compulink.co.uk |