YOU'S ON FIRST(The Sequel) Costello: Heeeeey, Abbott! Abbott: What? Costello: Hey, I heard you got fired from managing the team! Abbott: Yeah, they caught me fooling around with a player's wife. Costello: Who's wife? Abbott: Not her. Costello: What player's wife? Abbott: I Don't Know. Costello: Well, if you don't, who does? Abbott: Who doesn't know. Costello: Doesn't know what? Abbott: What isn't involved. Look, I don't want to talk about it. Besides, I'm managing another team now. Costello: I don't wanna hear about it. Abbott: Why don't you wanna hear about it? Costello: 'Cause you've got a ... a bunch of INDEFINITE PRONOUNS on your team! Abbott: There are no indefinite pronouns on this team! Costello: All right then, who's in the infield? Abbott: Who is on the other team! Costello: I'm not talking about the other team! Abbott: Well you brought it up! Costello: Eee - eee - eee .... Abbott, when I say "who" I'm not talking about the guy who plays first base on the other team. I mean who is in the infield on THIS team! Abbott: Well, let's see ... You's on first ... Costello: No I's not! Abbott: There's I on second and Me on third. Costello: How can you play both second and third? Abbott: You is not on second or third. You is on first. Costello: Am not. Abbott: I is on second and Me is on third. Costello: Sounds like a great team. Who's in left field? Abbott: Right Field. Costello: OK, right field. Abbott: Center Field. Costello: Center ... ??? Abbott: Left. The Field brothers. Costello: Who's playing left? Abbott: Right! Costello: Right. Abbott: Center. Costello: Center. Abbott: Left. Costello: Left. Abbott: Right. Costello: Center. Abbott: Left ... stop quizzing me! Costello: Who's quizzing you? Abbott: The owner is always quizzing me about the players. He says "right", I gotta say "Center." He doesn't think I can keep their names straight. Costello: I don't think so either. Abbott: Whaddaya mean? Costello: You haven't told me anything! You can't even speak English any more! "I is on first, you is on second..." Abbott: No! You is on first, I is on second... Costello: Same difference. Abbott: Me is on third! Costello: Right! Abbott: Center! Costello: Left! Abbott: Right! Costello: Center! Abbott: Left! Costello: Does the manager play a position? Abbott: No. Costello: Are you the manager? Abbott: Yes. Costello: You said you were on third. Abbott: You is on first! Costello: Not me, you! Abbott: Me is on third. Costello: "Me is on third." Right. Abbott: Center! Costello: Center. Abbott: Left! Costello: Left. Abbott: Right! Costello: Who's pitching? Abbott: Costello. Costello: What? Abbott: Costello. Costello: What? Abbott: Cost ... hey, what is this? Costello: You ask for me, I say "What?" Abbott: Not you. Your cousin Herman Costello is pitching. Costello: Cousin Herman? HE can't pitch! Abbott: He doesn't. He's our catcher. Costello: You said he's your pitcher. Abbott: No I didn't. Herman Costello is our pitcher. Costello: Well, if he is your pitcher ... Abbott: You're not listening! He is our catcher! Costello: Well, if Herman is your CATCHER! Abbott: Herman is our PITCHER! Costello: Who's your catcher? Abbott: He. Costello: He who? Abbott: Not Who. Who is on the other team. Costello: I don't wanna talk about the other team! Abbott: Our catcher on THIS team is He! The man's name is He! Costello: But but but ... You said no pronouns!!!! Abbott: I said no INDEFINITE PRONOUNS! Costello: Aaaah, what's the difference! Abbott: "An indefinite pronoun is one that ..." Costello: Shut up! You got an opening on this team? Abbott: Yes, shortstop. Costello: I wanna try out for your team, but I'm not a good shortstop. I'm a better catcher. Abbott: That can be arranged. He can play shortstop. Costello: Who can? Abbott: Not Who. I don't want Who involved with this team. That's over and done with. Costello: What player is going to play shortstop? Abbott: He. Costello: He, the catcher. Abbott: Right. Costello: I got it now. Herman pitches, and He is shortstop. Abbott: You wanna be our catcher? Costello: Right! Abbott: Center! Costello: Left! Abbott: Right! Costello: Center! Abbott: Left! Costello: Cut it out! Abbott: Sorry. Costello: So let's say I'm the catcher. Herman's pitching. I still say cousin Herman can't pitch worth a darn. Anyway the batter bunts the ball. I pick it up and who do I throw it to? Abbott: You. Costello: Me? Abbott: Not Me. Why would you throw it to Me? Costello: You tell me! You're the manager. Abbott: You throw it to You at first base. Costello: Oh! You is the first base player's name. Abbott: That's what I've been trying to tell you. Costello: And I and Me are on second and third. Abbott: Right! Costello: Center! Abbott: Left! Costello: Right! Abbott: Center! Costello: Left! Abbott: NOW you've got it. Costello: You can take this team and shove it! Abbott: What? Costello: SHOVE IT! Abbott: Oh, that's our designated hitter! Mark Lutton, 1/22/87 Abbott and Costello disclaim all responsibility for this. |