A Huge List Of One LinersA Huge List Of One Liners Bonus Section #2 -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A long list of high-quality one-line humorous sayings collected for years from all over. * "Breakfast sometime?" "Sure." "Shall I call you, or just nudge you?" * "Define UNIVERSE; give two examples." "The perceived world; 1) mine, 2) yours." * "Have you lived here all your life?" "Oh, twice that long." * ...all the modern inconveniences... -- Mark Twain * 28.35 grams of prevention are worth 0.45359 kilograms of cure. * 355/113 -- Not the famous irrational number pi, but an incredible simulation. * A Renaissance man diffuses to refine himself. -- Steve Hug * A Smith & Wesson beats four aces. * A University without students is like an ointment without a fly. -- Ed Nather * A backscratcher will always find new itches. -- Gomme * A billion here, a billion there; soon you're talking real money. -- Sen. Dirksen * A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him. * A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead. * A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose. * A boss with no humor is like a job that's no fun. * A cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education. -- Mark Twain * A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness. * A committee is an animal with at least six legs, and no brain. -- Heinlein * A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. * A couple of months in the lab can often save a couple of hours in the library. * A crisis is when you can't say, "Let's just forget the whole thing." -- Ferguson * A day without fusion is like a day without sunshine. * A day without orange juice is like a day without orange juice. * A dean is to a faculty as a hydrant is to a dog. -- Alfred Kahn * A fail-safe circuit will destroy others. -- Klipstein * A general leading the State Department resembles a dragon commanding ducks. * A good scapegoat is hard to find. * A harp is a nude piano. * A helicopter is just a bunch of parts flying in close formation. * A homeowner's reach should exceed her grasp, or what's a weekend for? * A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance from Mom. * A kid'll eat the middle of an Oreo, eventually. * A king's castle is his home. * A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction. * A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. -- Wright * A man who fishes for marlin in ponds will put his money in Etruscan bonds. * A man who turns green has eschewed protein. * A man without a woman is like a fish without gills. * A motion to adjourn is always in order. Humor Digest - September 90 A Huge List Of One Liners Bonus Section #2 * A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants. -- Wilcox * A penny saved has not been spent. * A penny saved is ridiculous. * A pessimist is a married optimist. * A poet who reads his verse in public might have other nasty habits. * A quarter ounce of chocolate equals four pounds of fat. * A rolling stone gathers momentum. * A sadist is a masochist who follows the Golden Rule. * A sentence is worth a thousand words. * A sine curve goes off to infinity or at least the end of the blackboard. * A sinking ship gathers no moss. -- Donald Kaul * A small town that cannot support one lawyer can always support two. * A soft drink turneth away company. * A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam. * A successful American spends more supporting the government than a family. * A theorist right once in ten is a hero; an observer wrong that often is a bum. * A theory is better than its explanation. -- Woodward * A truly wise person never plays leapfrog with a Unicorn. * A verbal contract isn't worth the paper its printed on. -- Samuel Goldwyn * A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals. * A waist is a terrible thing to mind. -- Ziggy * A watched clock never boils. -- Tom Weller * A wedding is a funeral where a man smells his own flowers. * A young child is a noise with dirt on it. * Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy. * About all some men accomplish in life is to send a son to Harvard. * About the only thing on a farm that has an easy time is the dog. * About when we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends. -- Hoover * Absence makes the heart go wander. * Absolutum obsoletum. (If it works, it is out of date.) -- Stafford Beer * Academy: A modern school where football is taught. * Accident: When presence of mind is good, but absence of body is better. * According to the official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless. * Acting: An art that consists of keeping the audience from coughing. * Actors will happen in the best-regulated families. * Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves. * Adult: A person that has stopped growing at both ends but not in the middle. * Adult: One old enough to know better. * Adultery: Putting yourself in someone else's position. * Advanced design: Upper management doesn't understand it. * Adventure is a sign of incompetence. -- Amundsen * After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done. Humor Digest - September 90 A Huge List Of One Liners Bonus Section #2 -- Olmstead * After painting the town red, take a rest before applying a second coat. * Afterism: A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late. -- Thom * Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a change. * Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill. * Air is water with holes in it. * Air travel: Breakfast in London, dinner in New York, luggage in Brazil. * Alcoholic: Someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do. * Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall, aleph-null bottles of beer... * Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth. * Alimony is the high cost of leaving. * All I ask is the chance to prove that money cannot make me happy. -- Lauris * All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power. -- Brilliant * All generalizations are useless, including this one. * All my friends and I are crazy. That's the only thing that keeps us sane. * All my life I wanted to be someone; I should have been more specific. -- Wagner * All new: Parts not interchangeable with previous model. * All people are born alike -- except Republicans and Democrats. -- Groucho Marx * All probabilities are really 50%. Either a thing will happen or it won't. * All signs in Metric for the next 20 miles. -- a sign in Ohio * All syllogisms have three parts; therefore this is not a syllogism. * All that glitters has a high refractive index. * All the good ones are taken. -- Harris * All the men on my staff can type. -- Bella Abzug * All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed. -- O'Casey * All things are possible, except skiing thru a revolving door. * All trails have more uphill sections than they have downhill sections. * All true wisdom is found on T-shirts. * Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid back. * Always leave room to add an explanation if it doesn't work out. * Always remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else. * Always take both skis off before hanging them up. * Am I in charge here?... No, but I'm full of ideas. -- Dr. Who * Ambiguity: Telling the truth when you don't mean to. * Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy. -- McCarthy * Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it. * Amoebit: Amoeba/rabbit cross; it can multiply and divide at the same time. * Among economists, the real world is often a special case. -- Horngren * An apple a day keeps the doctor away... if it is aimed well. * An apple a day makes 365 apples a year. -- Tom Weller Humor Digest - September 90 A Huge List Of One Liners Bonus Section #2 * An apple every eight hours keeps three doctors away. * An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible. * An example of hard water is ice. * An idle mind is worth two in the bush. * An object at rest will always be in the wrong place. * An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction. * An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. -- Van Roy * Antonym: The opposite of the word you're trying to think of. * Any country with "democratic" in the title isn't. -- Murray * Any landing you can walk away from is a good one. * Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way. -- Malek * Any smoothly functioning technology is indistinguishable from a "rigged" demo. * Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours. -- Holmes * Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry. * Anyone can make an omelet with eggs. The trick is to make one with none. * Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. -- Goldwyn * Anyone who makes an absolute statement is a fool. * Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening. -- Pardo * Apart from the unknowns, everything is obvious. -- James Hogan * Appearances are not everything; it just looks like they are. * Aquadextrous: Able to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes. * Arguments with furniture are rarely productive. * Arithmetic: Counting to twenty without taking off your shoes. -- Mickey Mouse * Art is anything you can get away with. -- Marshall McLuhan * As God is my witness, Andy, I thought that turkeys could fly. -- WKRP * As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong? * Ask not for whom the bell tolls, and pay only station-to-station rates. * At these prices, I lose money -- but I make it up in volume. -- Peter Alaquon * Auditors always reject expense accounts with a bottom line divisible by five. * Authority: A person who can tell you more than you really care to know. * Automobile: A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians. * Babies can't walk because their legs aren't long enough to reach the ground. * Bachelor: A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free. * Bachelor: A man who never made the same mistake once. * Bachelor: A selfish guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce. -- Quinn * Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare. * Banectomy: The removal of bruises on a banana. -- Rich Hall * Be a better psychiatrist and the world will beat a psychopath to your door. * Be careful of reading health books; you might die of a misprint. Humor Digest - September 90 A Huge List Of One Liners Bonus Section #2 -- Mark Twain * Be content with what you've got, but be sure you've got plenty. * Beam me up, Scotty. There's no intelligent life down here. -- James Kirk * Begathon: A multi-day event on public television, used to raise money. -- Hall * Behaviorism is the art of pulling habits out of rats. -- O'Neill * Behold the warranty: The bold print giveth, and the fine print taketh away. * Being a good communicator means people find out what's really wrong with you. * Being a woman is quite difficult since it consists mainly of dealing with men. * Being popular is important. Otherwise people might not like you. * Best gift for the person who has everything: A burglar alarm. * Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. -- Mae West * Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie. * Beware of a tall dark man with a spoon up his nose. * Bigamy is having one spouse too many. Monogamy is the same. * Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. * Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the Earth. * Blessed are the young for they shall inherit the national debt. * Blessed are they that run around in circles, for they shall be known as wheels. * Bore: A person who talks when you wish him to listen. * Bore: He who talks so much about himself that you can't talk about yourself. * Bore: Wraps up a two-minute idea in a two-hour vocabulary. -- Winchell * Brain: The apparatus with which we think that we think. -- Ambrose Bierce * Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. * Broad-mindedness: The result of flattening high-mindedness out. * Budget: A method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward. * Bureaucrat: A person who cuts red tape sideways. -- J. McCabe * Bureaucrat: A politician with tenure. * Business will be either better or worse. -- Calvin Coolidge * But officer, I stopped for the last one, and it was green! * By the time you have the right answers, no one is asking you questions. * California is proud to be the home of the freeway. -- Ronald Reagan * Calling a person a runner-up is a polite way of saying they lost. * Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win. * Charity: A thing that begins at home and usually stays there. * Charm: A way of getting a "yes" -- without having asked any clear question. * Chastity: The most unnatural of the sexual perversions. -- Aldous Huxley * Chemicals: Noxious substances from which modern foods are made. * Children act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners. * Cinemuck: Popcorn, soda, and candy that covers the floors of movie Humor Digest - September 90 A Huge List Of One Liners Bonus Section #2 theaters. * Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery. * College: The fountains of knowledge, where everyone goes to drink. * Colorless green ideas sleep furiously. * Commitment is the daily triumph of integrity over skepticism. * Commitment: Making time when there is none. * Common sense: The collection of prejudices acquired by age 18. -- Einstein * Concept: Any "idea" for which an outside consultant bills more than $25,000. * Confidence: The feeling you have before you understand the situation. * Confucius say too much. -- recent Chinese proverb * Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends. -- H. L. Mencken * Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking. -- Mencken * Conscience: The inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking. -- Mencken * Conscience: The thing that hurts when everything else feels great. * Conscious is being aware of something; conscience is wishing you weren't. * Conservative: A Liberal who has just been mugged. * Conservative: A person who believes nothing should be done for the first time. * Conservative: One who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run. * Consider what might be fertilizing the greener grass across the fence. * Consultant: Someone who knowns 101 ways to make love, but can't get a date. * Consultation: Medical term meaning "to share the wealth." * Continental Life. Why do you ask? * Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion. * Could you be a poster child for retroactive birth control? * Courage: Two cannibals having oral sex. * Coward: One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs. -- Bierce * Crazee Edeee, his prices are INSANE!!! * Crime does not pay... as well as politics. -- A. E. Newman * Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. -- Steve Wright * Cynic: A person searching for an honest man, with a stolen lantern. -- Shoaff * Cynic: A person who tells you the truth about your own motives. -- Russel Green * Dare to be average. * Dark dirt is attracted to light objects, and dark dirt to light objects. * Death and taxes are inevitable; at least death doesn't get worse every year. * Death has been proven to be 99% fatal to laboratory rats. * Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy. * Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired. -- R. Geis * Death is the greatest kick of all. That's why they save it for last. * Death: To stop sinning suddenly. -- Elbert Hubbard * Deliberation: Examining one's bread to determine which side it is Humor Digest - September 90 A Huge List Of One Liners Bonus Section #2 buttered on. * Democracy: The worship of Jackals by Jackasses. -- H. L. Mencken * Dentists are incapable of asking questions that need a simple yes or no answer. * Design simplicity: Developed on a shoe-string budget. * Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines on them and makes them perspire. * Diplomacy: The art of letting someone else have your way. * Diplomacy: The art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock. * Diplomat: A man who can convince his wife she would look stout in a fur coat. * Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art. * Distinctive: A different color or shape than our competitors. * Do YOU have redeeming social value? * Do married people live longer, or does it just seem that way? * Do not merely believe in miracles; rely on them. -- Finagle * Do not underestimate the power of the Force. * Does the name "Pavlov" ring a bell? * Don't be fooled by his twinkling eyes; it's the sun shining between his ears. * Don't be humble... you're not that great. -- Golda Meir * Don't create a problem for which you do not have the answer. -- Burke * Don't eat the yellow snow. * Don't force it, get a larger hammer. -- Anthony * Don't get even -- get odd! * Don't get stuck in a closet; wear yourself out. * Don't give someone a piece of your mind unless you can afford it. * Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper. -- Scottish Proverb * Don't mind him; politicians always sound like that. * Don't say yes until I finish talking. -- Darryl Zanuck * Don't screw up the punch line -- Rick & Owen * Don't take life too seriously; you won't get out of it alive. -- Hubbard * Don't tax you, don't tax me, tax that fellow behind the tree. -- Russell Long * Don't undertake vast projects with half-vast ideas. * Don't use no double negatives, not never. * Don't worry; the brontosaurus is slow, stupid, and placid. * Don't you have anything more useful you could be doing? * Down with the categorical imperative! * Drive carefully. We're overstocked. -- Sign in junkyard * Driving in the snow is a spectator sport. * Drug: A substance that, when injected into a rat, produces a scientific paper. * Drugs are the scenic route to nowhere. * Ducks? What ducks?? * Due to a mixup in Urology, orange juice will not be served this morning. * Dying is easy. Comedy is difficult. * Early to rise and early to bed makes a man healthy and wealthy and dead. * Earth Destroyed by Solar Flare -- Film at eleven. * Earth is a great funhouse without the fun. -- Jeff Berner * Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you Humor Digest - September 90 A Huge List Of One Liners Bonus Section #2 that day. * Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow it might be illegal. * Education helps earning capacity. Ask any college professor. * Eeny, Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak... * Egotism: Doing a crossword puzzle with a pen. * Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average drivers. * Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped. -- Groucho Marx's last words * Either that wallpaper goes, or I do. -- Oscar Wilde's last words * Elbonics: Two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theatre. * Elections come and go, but politics are always with us. * Electricity comes from electrons; morality comes from morons. * Eloquence is logic on fire. * Engineers... they love to change things. -- Leonard McCoy MD * Enjoy life; you could have been a barnacle. * Eschew obfuscation. * Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it. -- Woody Allen * Every cloud has a silver lining; you should have sold it, and bought titanium. * Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it. * Every silver lining has a cloud around it. * Everyone else my age is an adult, whereas I am merely in disguise. -- Atwood * Everyone is a genius. It's just that some people are too stupid to realize it. * Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I'll have another beer. * Everything in moderation, including moderation. * Everything is actually everything else, just recycled. * Everything is always done for the wrong reasons. -- O'Brian * Everything put together falls apart sooner or later. -- Simon * Everything worthwhile is mandatory, prohibited, or taxed. * Everything you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out. * Excellent day to have a rotten day. * Exceptions prove the rule, and wreck the budget. -- Miller * Exclusive: We're the only ones who have the documentation. * Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work. * Exercise extends your life ten years, but you spend 15 of them doing it. * Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment ruined. -- Horner * Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. -- Olivier * Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old ones. * Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else. * Experiments should be reproducible. They should all fail the same way. * Familiarity breeds attempt. * Familiarity breeds children. * Famous last words: Don't worry, I can handle it. * Fanatic: Someone who, having lost sight of his goal, redoubles his Humor Digest - September 90 A Huge List Of One Liners Bonus Section #2 efforts. * Fashion: A form of ugliness so intolerable that it changes every six months. * Fast, Cheap, Good: Choose any two. * Federal Reserve: A reserve where federal employees hunt wild game. * Fenderberg: Deposit that forms on the inside of a car fender after a snowstorm. * Fidelity: A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed. * Field tested: Manufacturing doesn't have a test system. * Fill what's empty; empty what's full; scratch where it itches. -- Longworth * Fine day for friends. So-so day for you. * Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity. -- Robert Firth * Flying is the second greatest experience known to man. Landing is the first. * Foolproof operation: No provision for adjustment. * Fools rush in -- and get the best seats in the house. * Football, like religion, brings out the best in people. -- Larry Chapman * For a good time, call 555-3100. * For adult education, nothing beats children. * For every action, there is a corresponding over-reaction. -- Anthony Battista * For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. -- Harrison * For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program. -- Main * For people who like that kind of book, that is the kind of book they will like. * For some reason, this statement reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz. * For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they like. * Forms follow function, and often obliterate it. * Fortune favors the lucky. -- Tom Weller * Fossil flowers come from the Petrified Florist. * Four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy... * Four wheel drive: Lets you get more stuck, further from help. * Friends: People who borrow my books and set wet glasses on them. * Friends: People who know you well, but like you anyway. * Furbling: Walking a maze of ropes even when you are the only person in line. * Genderplex: Trying to determine from the cutesy pictures which restroom to use. * Generally you don't see that kind of behavior in a major appliance. -- Murray * Genetics: Why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you should. * Genius is the infinite capacity for picking brains. * Genius: A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with "bright". * Give a skeptic an inch and he'll measure it. * Give me a lever long enough, and a place to stand, and I'll break my Humor Digest - September 90 A Huge List Of One Liners Bonus Section #2 lever. * Give me a sleeping pill and tell me your troubles. * Give me chastity and continence, but not just now. -- St. Augustine * Give your very best today. Heaven knows it is little enough. * Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause of pregnancy. * Gleemites: Petrified deposits of toothpaste found in sinks. * Go away. I'm all right. -- last words of H. G. Wells * Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200. * Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. -- Mark Twain * God don't make mistakes. That's how He got to be God. -- Archie Bunker * God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends. * God is a polythiest. * God is not dead. He is alive and autographing Bibles at Cody's! * God is not dead. He is alive and working on a much less ambitious project. * God is not dead. He just couldn't find a parking place. * God made everything out of nothing, but the nothingness shows through. * God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh. * God, I ask for patience -- and I want it right now! * Going the speed of light is bad for your age. * Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example. * Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall. * Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored. -- George Saunders's last words * Government expands to absorb all available revenue and then some. -- Wiker * Graft: An illegal means of uniting trees to make money. * Grasshoppotamus: A creature that can leap to tremendous heights... once. * Gravity: What you get when you eat too much and too fast. * Great minds run in great circles. * Group IQ: Lowest IQ of any member divided by the number of people in the group. * Grub first, then ethics. -- Bertolt Brecht * HELP! MY TYPEWRITER IS BROKEN! -- E. E. CUMMINGS * Had there been an actual emergency, you would no longer be here. * Hailing frequencies open, Captain. * Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was rather large. * Hangover: The wrath of grapes. * Happiness is having a scratch for every itch. -- Ogden Nash * Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance? * Have an adequate day. * Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain. * Having children will turn you into your parents. * He has the heart of a little child... it's in a jar on his desk. * He is considered a most graceful speaker who can say nothing in the most words. * He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides. * He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes. Humor Digest - September 90 A Huge List Of One Liners Bonus Section #2 * He who dies with the most toys, wins. * He who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish last. * He who hesitates is a damned fool. -- Mae West * He who invents adages to peruse takes along rowboat when going on cruise. * He who is content with his lot probably has a lot. * He who is still laughing hasn't yet heard the bad news. -- Bertolt Brecht * He who laughs last didn't get the joke. * He who shouts the loudest has the floor. -- Swipple * He who speak with forked tongue, not need chopsticks. -- Chinese proverb * He who spends a storm beneath a tree, takes life with a grain of TNT. * Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. * Heat expands: In the summer the days are longer. * Heisenberg might have been here. * Help stamp out and abolish redundancy. * History chronicles the small portion of the past that was suitable for print. * History does not repeat itself; historians merely repeat each other. * Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense. * Honeymoon: A short period of doting between dating and debting. -- Ray Bandy * Honk if you love peace and quiet. * How can you govern a nation which has 246 kinds of cheese? -- Charles de Gaulle * How do they get all those little metal bits on a zipper to line up so well? * How do you make an elephant float? Two scoops of elephant and some rootbeer... * How long is a minute depends on which side of the bathroom door you are on. * How long should a man's legs be? Long enough to reach the ground. -- Lincoln * How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? All you can afford. * How many weeks are there in a light year? * How much sin can you get away with and still go to heaven? * How sharper than a hound's tooth it is to have a thankless serpent. * How to regain your virginity: Reverse the process until it returns. * How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers. * Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill. * Humor is the best antidote to reality. * I am a Hollywood writer, so I put on a sports jacket and take off my brain. * I am a Libra. Libras don't believe in astrology. -- Al Hibbs * I am a creationist; I refuse to believe that I could have evolved from humans. * I am dying beyond my means. -- Oscar Wilde's last words, sipping champagne * I am not a crook. -- Richard Nixon * I am not a lovable man. -- Richard Nixon. * I am not as dumb as you look. * I am not cynical, just experienced. Humor Digest - September 90 A Huge List Of One Liners Bonus Section #2 * I am prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday life. * I am really enjoying not talking to you, so let's not talk again real soon, OK? * I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat. -- Will Rogers * I bet you have never seen a plumber bite his nails. * I came to MIT to get an education for myself and a diploma for my mother. * I can relate to that. * I can't give you brains, but I can give you a diploma. -- the Wizard of Oz * I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less. * I do desire we may be better strangers. -- Shakespeare * I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem. -- Brilliant * I doubt, therefore I might be. * I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it. -- Mae West * I hate quotations. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson * I have already told you more than I know. * I have heard about people like me, but I never made the connection. -- McLean * I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer. -- Albran * I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best. -- Wilde * I have ways of making money that you know nothing of. -- John D. Rockefeller * I just need enough to tide me over until I need more. -- Bill Hoest * I know on which side my bread is buttered. -- John Heywood * I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours. * I love mankind... It's people I hate. -- Schulz * I love my job; it's the work I can't stand. * I may not be the world's greatest lover, but number seven's not bad. -- Allen * I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent. -- Brilliant * I must follow the people. Am I not their leader? -- Benjamin Disraeli * I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry Martini. -- Woolcott * I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception. -- Marx * I never made a mistake in my life. I thought I did once, but I was wrong. * I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation. -- G. B. Shaw * I promise we would only loose ten to twenty million TOPS! -- Dr. Strangelove * I put instant coffee in a microwave, and almost went back in time. * I really had to act; 'cause I didn't have any lines. -- Marilyn Chambers * I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second. * I shot an arrow into the air and it stuck. -- graffito in Los Angeles * I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. -- Steve Wright * I suggest a new strategy, Artoo: Let the Wookee win. -- CP30 Humor Digest - September 90 A Huge List Of One Liners Bonus Section #2 * I think that I shall never see a billboard lovely as a tree. -- Nash * I think we are all Bozos on this bus. * I used to be Snow White, but I drifted. -- Mae West * I used to be lost in the shuffle. Now I just shuffle along with the lost. * I used to think I was indecisive, but now I am not so sure. * I want to achieve immortality through not dying. -- Woody Allen * I will always love the false image I had of you. * I will never lie to you. * I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous. * I would have made a good pope. -- Richard Nixon * I would like to help you out. Which way did you come in? * I would like to lick apricot brandy out of your navel. -- Cerebus * I would never join any club that would have the likes of me as a member. -- Marx * I'd like to meet the person who invented sex, and see what he's working on now. * I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than a prefrontal lobotomy. * I'll race you to China. You can have a head start. Ready, set, GO! * I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here? -- Harold Urey * I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens. -- Allen * I'm not going deaf. I'm ignoring you. * I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. * I'm pretty good with BS but I love listening to an expert. Keep talking. * I've been in more laps than a napkin. -- Mae West * Ice cream cures all ills. Temporarily. -- Seleznick * Idiot box: Part of an envelope that tells a person where to place the stamp. * If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way. * If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger hands. * If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all his windows. -- Yiddish proverb * If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive. -- Samuel Goldwyn * If I had any humility I would be perfect. -- Ted Turner * If I owned Texas and Hell, I would rent out Texas and live in Hell. -- Sheridan * If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? * If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will. -- Silverman * If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points. * If a thing's worth doing, it is worth doing badly. -- G. K. Chesterton * If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door. -- Paul Beatty * If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement. * If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not $19.95. -- McGowan * If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment. * If at first you don't succeed, quit; don't be a nut about success. Humor Digest - September 90 A Huge List Of One Liners Bonus Section #2 * If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. * If at first you don't succeed, you probably didn't really care anyway. * If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average. -- Leonard Levinson * If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence. * If enough data is collected, anything can be proven by statistical methods. * If in doubt, mumble. * If it is Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune. * If it is worth doing, it is worth doing for money. * If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway. * If it pours before seven, it has rained by eleven. * If it wasn't for Newton, we wouldn't have to eat bruised apples. * If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all. * If one hundred people do a foolish thing, one will become injured. * If only I could be respected without having to be respectable. * If opportunity came disguised as temptation, one knock would be enough. * If parents would only realize how they bore their children. -- G. B. Shaw * If reproducibility might be a problem, conduct the test only once. * If some people didn't tell you, you'd never know they'd been away on vacation. * If the probability of success is not almost one, it is damn near zero. -- Ellis * If the ship is not sinking, the rats must be the ones not leaving. * If the shoe fits, buy the other one too. * If the shoe fits, it's ugly. -- Gold * If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex? -- Art Hoppe * If this saying did not exist, somebody would have invented it. * If time heals all wounds, how come bellybuttons don't fill in? * If we all work together we can totally disrupt the system. -- Brilliant * If we knew what the hell we were doing, then it wouldn't be research. * If you are asked to join a parade, don't march behind the elephants. -- Zisla * If you are horny, it's lust, but if your partner's horny, it's affection. * If you are not very clever you should be conciliatory. -- Benjamin Disraeli * If you are seen fixing it, you will be blamed for breaking it. * If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars. -- J. Paul Getty * If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse. * If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. * If you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance, baffle 'em with bullshit. * If you can't find your glasses, it's probably because you don't have them on. * If you cannot convince them, confuse them. -- Harry S Truman * If you cannot hope for order, withdraw with style from the chaos. -- Stoppard * If you do a job too well, you will get stuck with it. -- Slous * If you do not change direction you are likely to end up where you are Humor Digest - September 90 A Huge List Of One Liners Bonus Section #2 headed. * If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again. * If you don't care where you are, then you aren't lost. * If you don't know what you're doing, do it neatly. * If you don't say anything, you won't be called on to repeat it. -- Coolidge * If you explain so clearly that no one can possibly misunderstand, someone will. * If you have kleptomania, you can always take something for it. * If you have to ask how much it is, you can't afford it. * If you have to travel on the Titanic, why not go first class? -- Hempstone * If you liked Earth, you will love Heaven. * If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee. -- Graham Summer * If you look like your passport photo, you aren't well enough to travel. -- Fuch * If you mess with a thing long enough, it will break. -- Schmidt * If you put it off long enough, it might go away. * If you think before you speak, the other guy gets his joke in first. * If you want to know how old a man is, ask his brother-in-law. * If you want to put yourself on the map, publish your own map. * If you were to ask me this question, what would my answer be? * If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. -- Wright * If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all. -- Ronald Reagan * If your parents didn't have any children, neither will you. * Ignorance: When you don't know anything, and someone else finds out. * Ignore previous fortune. * Imports are ports very far inland. * In America, it is not how much an item costs, it is how much you save. * In English, every word can be verbed. * In a ham and egg breakfast, the chicken was involved, but the pig was committed. * In a modern household, the only things we have to wash by hand are children. * In an orderly world, there is always a place for the disorderly. * In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy. * In matrimony, to hesitate is sometimes to be saved. -- Butler * In order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need it. * In process: So wrapped up in red tape that the situation is almost hopeless. * In the first half of our life we learn habits that shorten the second half. * In this world, truth can wait; she is used to it. * Ingrate: Bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of indigestion. * Insanity is inherited; you get it from your kids! * Instant sex will never be better than the kind you have to peel and cook. * Institute: An archaic school where football is not taught. * Interchangeable parts won't. * Is it time for lunch yet? Humor Digest - September 90 A Huge List Of One Liners Bonus Section #2 * Is there life before death? -- Belfast Graffito * Is this really happening? * It ain't loafing unless they can prove it. -- Dick Brown * It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations. * It doesn't matter whether you win or lose -- until you lose. * It is bad luck to be superstitious. -- Andrew Mathis * It is better to be on penicillin than never to have loved at all. * It is better to be on the ground wishing you were flying, than vice versa. * It is better to burn out than to fade away. * It is better to have a positive Wasserman than never to have loved at all. * It is better to have loved and lost -- much better. * It is better to have loved and lost than just to have lost. * It is better to remain childless than to father an orphan. -- Tom Weller * It is better to wear out than to rust out. * It is difficult to legislate morality in the absence of moral legislators. * It is difficult to soar with eagles when you work with turkeys. * It is easier to take it apart than to put it back together. -- Washlesky * It is later than you think. * It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the problem. * It is not a good omen when goldfish commit suicide. * It is not that you and I are so clever, but that the others are such fools. * It is so soon that I am done for, I wonder what I was begun for. -- epitaph * It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father. * It seems to make an auto driver mad if she misses you. * It takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech. -- Mark Twain * It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead. * It was a brave man that ate the first oyster. * It works better if you plug it in. * It would be nice to be sure of anything the way some people are of everything. * It would take a miracle to get you out of Casablanca. * It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it. -- Wright * It's better to give than to lend, and it costs about the same. * It's hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa. * It's hard to soar like an eagle when you are surrounded by turkeys. * It's hell to work for a nervous boss, especially if you are why he's nervous! * It's here at last: Released a 26-week project in 48 weeks. * It's not easy being green. -- Kermit * It's not hard to meet expenses; they are everywhere. * It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you look playing the game. * Jesus saves; Moses invests; but only Buddha pays dividends. * Journalism is literature in a hurry. -- Matthew Arnold * Journalism will kill you, but it will keep you alive while you are at Humor Digest - September 90 A Huge List Of One Liners Bonus Section #2 it. * Just because you are not paranoid doesn't mean they are not out to get you. * Just give Alice some pencils and she will stay busy for hours. * Just when you get going, someone injects a dose of reality with a large needle. * Justice: A decision in your favor. * Keep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans. * Keep a very firm grasp on reality, so you can strangle it at any time. * Keep stress out of your life. Give it to others instead. * Keep the pointy end forward and the dirty side down. * Klatu barada nikto. * Kleptomaniac: A rich thief. * Knocked; you weren't in. -- Opportunity * Know thyself -- but don't tell anyone. * Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions. -- Henry Camp * Krogt: The metallic silver coating found on fast-food game cards. * LSD soaks up 47 times its own weight in excess reality. * Lactomangulation: Abusing the "open here" spout on a milk carton. * Laugh at your problems; everybody else does. * Laugh, and the world ignores you. Crying doesn't help either. * Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself. * Learning at some schools is like drinking from a firehose. * Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday. * Let not the sands of time get in your lunch. * Liberal: A Conservative who has just been arrested. * Liberal: Someone too poor to be a capitalist and too rich to be a communist. * Lie: A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one discovered to date. * Life -- love it or leave it. * Life begins at the centerfold and expands outward. -- Miss November, 1966 * Life is a game of bridge -- and you have just been finessed. * Life is complex. It has real and imaginary parts. * Life is difficult because it is non-linear. * Life is fraught with opportunities to keep your mouth shut. * Life is like a fountain... I will tell you how when I figure it out. * Life is like a sewer... What you get out of it depends on what you put into it. * Life is like an analogy. * Life is not for everyone. * Life is wasted on the living. * Life might have no meaning, or worse, it might have a meaning you don't like. * Life without caffeine is stimulating enough. -- Sanka ad * Life: A brief interlude between nothingness and eternity. * Little things come in small packages. -- Tom Weller * Live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse. * Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree, that smells AWFUL. * Logic is a means of CONFIDENTLY being wrong. * Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence. -- Kettering * Losing your driver's license is just God's way of saying "BOOGA, BOOGA!" Humor Digest - September 90 A Huge List Of One Liners Bonus Section #2 * Love does not make the world go around, just up and down a bit. * Love is an obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage. * Love is being stupid together. * Love is the only game that is not called on account of darkness. * Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. -- H. L. Mencken * Love means nothing to a tennis player. * Love your enemies. It will make them crazy. * Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs. * Machines have less problems. I'd like to be a machine. -- Andy Warhol * Magnocartic: Any automobile that when left unattended attracts shopping carts. * Maintain thy airspeed, lest the ground rise up and smite thee. * Majority: That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law. * Make a firm decision now... you can always change it later. * Male zebras have white stripes, but female zebras have black stripes. * Man has made his bedlam; let him lie in it. -- Fred Allen * Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to. -- Mark Twain * Man who arrives at party two hours late finds he has been beaten to the punch. * Man who falls in blast furnace is certain to feel overwrought. * Man who falls in vat of molten optical glass makes spectacle of self. * Mankind has never reconciled itself to the ten commandments. * Many a family tree needs trimming. * Many are called, but few are at their desks. * Many are cold, but few are frozen. * Many quite distinguished people have bodies similar to yours. * Marriage is a rest period between romances. * Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering. * Marriage is a trip between Niagra Falls and Reno. * Marriage is an institution -- but who wants to live in one? * Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it. * Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence. * Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. -- Voltaire * Marriage is the sole cause of divorce. * Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on Earth. -- John Lyly * Mathematicians take it to the limit. * Matrimony is the root of all evil. * Matter cannot be created or destroyed; nor can it be returned without a receipt. * Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value. * Maturity is a high price to pay for growing up. * May you die in bed at 95, shot by a jealous spouse. * May you have many friends and very few living enemies. * Measure with a micrometer; mark with chalk; cut with an axe. -- Ray * Meeting: A gathering where the minutes are kept and the hours lost. -- Gourd * Men seldom show dimples to girls who have pimples. * Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. -- Groucho Marx * Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. -- Groucho Marx Humor Digest - September 90 A Huge List Of One Liners Bonus Section #2 * Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess. -- Oscar Wilde * Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings. * Modesty is a vastly overrated virtue. -- J. K. Galbraith * Modesty: Being comfortable that others will discover your greatness. * Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away. * Money can't buy happiness, but it can certainly rent it for a couple of hours. * Money can't buy happiness, but it lets you be miserable in comfort. * Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots. * Monotony: The practice of having only one spouse at a time. * Most general statements are false, including this one. -- Alexander Dumas * Mountain range: A cooking stove used at high altitudes. * Mummy: An Egyptian who was pressed for time. * Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel. * My family history begins with me, but yours ends with you. -- Iphicrates * My life has a superb cast but I can't figure out the plot. -- Ashleigh Brilliant * My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right. * My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's. -- Wilde * Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game. * Narcolepulacy: The contagious action of yawning. * Necessity is a mother. * Neckties strangle clear thinking. -- Lin Yutang * Neutrinos have bad breadth. * Never do today what you can put off until tomorrow. * Never eat anything bigger than your head. -- Kliban * Never give an inch! * Never have any children, only grandchildren. -- Gore Vidal * Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs repainting. -- Billy Rose * Never laugh at live dragons. -- Bilbo Baggins * Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together. * Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. -- Hartley * Never verb your nouns. * New: Different color from previous model. * Nice guys don't finish nice. * No guts, no glory. * No maintenance: Impossible to fix. * No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas. * No man would listen to you talk if he didn't know it was his turn next. -- Howe * No matter what goes wrong, there's always someone who knew it would. * No matter what results are expected, someone is always willing to fake it. * No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish. * No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere. * Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest. * Nobody ever has a reservation on a plane that leaves from Gate 1. * Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition! * Nobody knows the trouble I have been. Humor Digest - September 90 A Huge List Of One Liners Bonus Section #2 * Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong. * Nonsense. Space is blue and birds fly through it. -- Heisenberg * Nostalgia just isn't what it used to be. * Not all men who drink are poets. Some of us drink because we are not poets. * Nothing can be done in one trip. -- Snider * Nothing increases your golf score like witnesses. * Nothing is ever a total loss; it can always serve as a bad example. * Nothing is finished until the paperwork is done. * Nothing recedes like success. -- Walter Winchell * Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits. -- Mark Twain * Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee. -- Kim Hubbard * Now and then an innocent person is sent to the Legislature. * Now it's time to say goodbye, to all our company... M-I-C, K-E-Y, M-O-U-S-E. * Nudists are people who wear one-button suits. * Nugloo: Single continuous eyebrow that covers the entire forehead. * Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable. -- Plato * Often it is fatal to live too long. -- Racine * Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to conceive. -- Herold * Oh, Aunty Em, it's so good to be home! * Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement. * Omniscience: Talking only about things you know about. * On the whole, I'd rather be in Philadelphia. -- W. C. Fields's epitaph * Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse. * Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Thrice is enemy action. * Once upon a time, charity was a virtue and not an organization. * One Bell System -- it sometimes works. * One good turn usually gets most of the blanket. * One size fits all: Doesn't fit anyone. * One thing leads to another, and usually does. * One word of advice: Don't give it. * Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps. * Only fools are quoted. -- Anonymous * Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment. -- Ducharme * Our parents were never our age. * Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing. -- Roy Ash * Our problems are mostly behind us. Now we have to fight the solutions. * Out of the mouths of babes does often come cereal. * Oversteer is when the passenger is scared; understeer when the driver is scared. * Packrat's credo: "I have no use for it, but I hate to see it go to waste." * Paper is always strongest at the perforations. -- Corry * Paradise is exactly like where you are, only MUCH, MUCH better. -- Anderson * Paradox: An assistant to PhDs. * Parallel lines never meet unless you bend one or both of them. * Paranoia: A healthy understanding of the nature of the universe. Humor Digest - September 90 A Huge List Of One Liners Bonus Section #2 * People have one thing in common: They are all different. * People sweat is they won't catch fire while making love. * People who take cat naps usually don't sleep in a cat's cradle. * People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do. * People will buy anything that is one to a customer. -- Lewis * Perfect guest: One who makes his host feel at home. * Perfect paranoia is perfect awareness. * Perhaps your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. * Phasers locked on target, Captain. * Philosophy: Unintelligible answers to insoluble problems. * Pity the poor egg; it only gets laid once. * Politics consists of deals and ideals. * Politics: The art of turning influence into affluence. * Positive: Being mistaken at the top of your voice. * Possessions increase to fill the space available for their storage. -- Ryan * Power means not having to respond. * Predestination was doomed from the start. * Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning: It's on the other side. * Pro is to con as progress is to Congress. * Proctologist: A doctor who puts in a hard day at the orifice. * Professor: One who talks in someone else's sleep. * Progress means replacing a theory that is wrong with one more subtly wrong. * Progress might have been all right once, but it's gone on too long. -- Nash * Proofreading is more effective after publication. -- Barker * Proximity isn't everything, but it comes close. * Puritan: Someone who is deathly afraid that someone somewhere is having fun. * Quack! * Quantity is no substitute for quality, but it is the only one we have. * Quark! Quark! Beware the quantum duck! * Question Authority... and the Authorities will question you! * Quinine is the bark of a tree; canine is the bark of a dog. * Quit working and play for once! * Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research. * Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives. * Reality -- what a concept! -- Robin Williams * Reality is for people who can't deal with drugs. -- Lily Tomlin * Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you better not sing. * Refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person. * Reputation: What others are not thinking about you. * Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing. -- von Braun * Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. -- Wright * Rugged: Too heavy to lift. * Rumper sticker on a horse: "Get off my tail, because shit happens." * Russia has abolished God, but so far God has been more tolerant. -- Swayze * Sacred cows make great hamburger. Humor Digest - September 90 A Huge List Of One Liners Bonus Section #2 * Sailing: A form of mast transit. * Science is material. Religion is immaterial. * Scotty, beam me up a double! * Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. * Seeing is deceiving. It's eating that's believing. -- James Thurber * Seek simplicity -- and distrust it. -- Alfred Whitehead * Serendipity: The process by which human knowledge is advanced. * Sex is dirty only when it's done right. -- Woody Allen * Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing. * She walks as if balancing the family tree on her nose. * Showing up is 80% of life. -- Woody Allen * Sign on bank: "FREE BOTTLE OF CHIVAS WITH EVERY MILLION-DOLLAR DEPOSIT." * Smile! You're on Candid Camera. * Snow and adolescence are problems that disappear if you ignore them long enough. * Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even. * Some is good, more is better, too much is just right. * Some men are discovered; others are found out. * Some people are afraid of heights. I am afraid of widths. * Some people cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go. * Some people who can, should not. * Some people would not recognize subtlety if it hit them on the head. * Someday you will get your big chance -- or have you already had it? * Someday you'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car. * Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma. * Spinster: A bachelor's wife. * Spirobits: The frayed bits of left-behind paper in a spiral notebook. * Spock: We suffered 23 casualties in that attack, Captain. * Standing on head makes smile of frown, but rest of face also upside down. * Statisticians do it with 95 percent confidence. * Stock item: We shipped it once before and we can do it again. * Stop committing useless mistakes. Make your next mistake count! * Strategy is when you keep firing so the enemy doesn't know you're out of ammo. * Success is something I will dress for when I get there, and not until. * Success is the ability to go from failure to failure without being discouraged. * Suicide is the sincerest form of self-criticism. -- Donald Kaul * Sweater: A garment worn by a child when his parent feels chilly. * System-independent: Works equally poorly on all systems. * Tact: The unsaid part of what you are thinking. * Teamwork is essential; it allows you to blame someone else. * Technique: A trick that works. * Teenagers are two year olds with hormones and wheels. -- Will Limon * Telepathy: Knowing what people think when really they don't think at all. * Thank you for observing all safety precautions. * That must be wonderful; I don't understand it at all. -- Moliere * That that is is that that is not is not. * The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain. * The Ranger isn't gonna like it, Yogi. Humor Digest - September 90 A Huge List Of One Liners Bonus Section #2 * The Society of Independent People has no members. * The Tree of Learning bears the noblest fruit, but noble fruit tastes bad. * The adjective is the banana peel of the parts of speech. -- Clifton Fadiman * The best laid plans of mice and men are usually about equal. -- Blair * The best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to seal the envelope. * The bigger they are, the harder they hit. * The chief cause of problems is solutions. * The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live elsewhere. * The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going down. * The cow is a machine that makes grass fit for us people to eat. -- John McNulty * The cow is of the bovine ilk; one end is moo, the other, milk. -- Ogden Nash * The death rate on Earth is: One per person. * The decision does not have to be logical; it was unanimous. * The difference between a good haircut and a bad one is seven days. * The difficult we do today; the impossible takes a little longer. * The early worm gets the late bird. * The fact that it works is immaterial. -- Ogborn * The famous politician was trying to save both his faces. * The fewer the data points, the smoother the curve. -- May * The first myth of management is that it exists. -- Heller * The first piece of luggage out of the chute does not belong to anyone, ever. * The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts. -- Ehrlich * The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue. * The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers. -- Shakespeare * The following statement is not true... * The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar. * The future is a myth created by insurance salesmen and high school counselors. * The general direction of the Alps is straight up. * The grass is always greener on the other side of your sunglasses. * The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax. -- Einstein * The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss. * The law of gravity was enacted by the British Parliament. * The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching train. * The meek shall inherit the Earth -- they are too weak to refuse. * The meek shall inherit the Earth after we are done with it. * The more things change, the more they stay insane. -- Tom Weller * The more things change, the more they will never be the same again. * The most dangerous part about playing cymbals is near the nose. * The most enjoyable form of sex education is the Braille method. * The moving finger having writ... gestures. * The next thing I say will be true. The last thing I said was false. Humor Digest - September 90 A Huge List Of One Liners Bonus Section #2 * The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose from. * The number watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action. * The number you have dialed is imaginary. Please multiply by i and dial again. * The one who says it can't be done should never interrupt the one doing it. * The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. -- Oscar Wilde * The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. -- Oscar Wilde * The optimum committee has no members. -- Norman Augustine * The other line always moves faster. * The past is another country; they do things differently there. * The perversity of the universe tends toward a maximum. -- Finagle * The plural of "musical instrument" is "orchestra". * The prairies are vast plains covered by treeless forests. * The race is not always to the swift... but that's the way to bet. -- Runyon * The reason that sex is so popular is that it's centrally located. * The richer your friends, the more they will cost you. * The second best policy is dishonesty. * The secret of life is to look good at a distance. -- Snoopy * The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you have it made. * The sex act is the funniest thing on the face of this earth. -- Diana Rigg * The shortest distance between two points is under construction. -- Altito * The sixth shiek's sixth sheep's sick. * The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up. -- Ogden * The stapler runs out of staples only while you are trying to staple something. * The supernova makes Mt. St. Helens and Krakatoa look puny. -- Time Magazine * The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made men think. * The things that interest people most are usually none of their business. * The total intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing. * The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. * The universe is surrounded by whatever it is that surrounds universes. * The weather at home improves as soon as you go away. -- Gomme * The wind blows harder in the summer so the sun sets later. * The word today is legs... Spread the word. * The world is run by C students. * The world isn't any worse. It's just that the news coverage is so much better. * The worst you can say about God is that he's an underachiever. -- Woody Allen * The zebra is chiefly used to illustrate the letter Z. * Theft from a single author is plagiarism. Theft from three or more is Humor Digest - September 90 A Huge List Of One Liners Bonus Section #2 research. * There are many excuses for being late, but there are none for being early. * There are more old drunkards than old doctors. * There are more things in heaven and earth than anyplace else. -- Tom Weller * There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. -- Kissinger * There is a 20% chance of tomorrow. * There is a green, multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder. -- Spock * There is a vas deferens between men and women. * There is always more hell that needs raising. -- Lauren Leveut * There is an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to. * There is at least one fool in every married couple. * There is exactly one true categorical statement. -- John Kessenich * There is intelligent life on Earth, but I am just visiting. * There is no future in time travel. * There is no problem a good miracle can't solve. -- Shick * There is no room in the drug world for amateurs. -- Raoul Duke * There is no time like the pleasant. * There is nothing more permanent than a temporary tax. * There is nothing wrong with abstinence, in moderation. * There is only one difference between a madman and me. I am not mad. -- Dali * There is so much to say, but your eyes keep interrupting me. * There is very little future in being right when your boss is wrong. * There must be more to life than having everything. * There must be more to life than sitting wondering if there is more to life. * They also surf who only stand on waves. * They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist... -- General Sedgwick's last words * They took some of the Van Goghs, most of the jewels, and all of the Chivas! * Things are more like they are today then they ever were before. -- Eisenhower * Things are more like they used to be than they are now. * Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other. * Things will get better despite our efforts to improve them. -- Will Rogers * Think honk if you are telepathic. * This fortune is encrypted -- get your decoder rings ready! * This fortune is inoperative. Please try another. * This fortune was brought to you by the people at Hewlett-Packard. * This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week. * This is a good time to punt work. * This is a recording. * This is the sort of English up with which I will not put. -- Winston Churchill * This may not be the best of all worlds, but it is certainly the most expensive. * This saying would be seven words long if it were six words shorter. * This sentence no verb. Humor Digest - September 90 A Huge List Of One Liners Bonus Section #2 * This statement is in no way to be construed as a disclaimer. * This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it. * Those who can, do; those who can't, simulate. * Those who like sausages and the law had better not watch either one being made. * Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead. -- Ben Franklin * Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. * Time flies when you don't know what you are doing. * Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space. * Time is an illusion; lunchtime doubly so. -- Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy * Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once. * Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in LA. -- Wright * To YOU I am an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition. -- Woody Allen * To be safe, make a copy of everything before you destroy it. * To err is human. To admit it is a blunder. * To err is human. To blame someone else for your errors is even more human. * To err is human. To forgive is unusual. * To keep milk from turning sour, you should keep it in the cow. * To make a small fortune in the commodities market, start with a large fortune. * To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start. * To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question... or is it? * Today is a good day to bribe a high ranking public official. * Today is the first day of the rest of the mess. * Today is the last day of the past of your life. * Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. * Toe: A part of the foot used to find furniture in the dark. -- Rilla May * Tomorrow looks like a good day to sleep in. * Tomorrow will be cancelled due to lack of interest. * Too much is not enough. * Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL. -- Mae West * Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore. -- Judy Garland * Tragedy: A busload of lawyers driving off a cliff with three empty seats. * Traveling through hyperspace isn't like dusting crops, boy. -- Han Solo * Troglodytism does not necessarily imply a low cultural level. * Truthful: Dumb and illiterate. * Try the Moo Shu Pork. It is especially good today. * Try to live forever or die in the attempt. * Tuesday After Lunch is the cosmic time of the week. * Two can live as cheaply as one for half as long. -- Howard Kandel * Two cars in every pot and a chicken in every garage. * Two heads are more numerous than one. -- Tom Weller * Two is not equal to 3, not even for large values of 2. -- Grabel * Two wrongs are only the beginning. -- Kohn * Unauthorized fornication with this equipment is disallowed. Humor Digest - September 90 A Huge List Of One Liners Bonus Section #2 * Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under communism, it is just the opposite. * Under every stone lurks a politician. -- Aristophanes * Unmatched: Almost as good as the competition. * Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters. * Volcano: A mountain with hiccups. * Vote anarchist. * Waste not, get your budget cut next year. * We are all politicians. Some of us are just honest enough to admit it. * We are all self-made, but only the rich will admit it. * We are living in a golden age. All you need is gold. -- Robertson * We are not a loved organization, but we are a respected one. -- John Fisher * We are so fond of each other because our ailments are the same. -- Swift * We are sorry. We cannot complete your call as dialed. * We are the people our parents warned us about. -- Jimmy Buffet * We can loan you enough money to get you completely out of debt. -- Sign in bank * We could do that, but it would be wrong, that's for sure. -- Richard Nixon * We don't have to protect the environment. The Second Coming is at hand. -- Watt * We have them just where they want us. -- James Kirk * We interrupt this fortune for an important announcement... * We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it. * We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators. * We will get along fine as soon as you realize I am God. * We will have solar energy when the power companies develop a sunbeam meter. * Wedding is destiny, and hanging likewise. -- John Heywood * Well adjusted: Makes the same mistake twice without getting nervous. * Well-adjusted: Able to play bridge or golf as if they were games. * What can't be said, can't be said. And it can't be whistled, either. -- Tirtha * What did you bring the book I want to be read to out of about Down Under up for? * What do you call 10,000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start. * What do you call a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand? Not enough sand. * What happens when you cut back the jungle? It recedes. * What is mind? No matter. What is matter? Never mind. -- Thomas Key * What is orange and goes "click, click"? A ball point carrot. * What is research but a blind date with knowledge? -- Will Harvey * What is the difference between a duck? One of its legs is both the same. * What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking someone to do. * What orators lack in depth they make up in length. * What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy? -- Ursula LeGuin * What scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch? -- J. D. Farley Humor Digest - September 90 A Huge List Of One Liners Bonus Section #2 * What this country needs is more leaders who know what this country needs. * What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn? -- Peter Beagle * What! Me worry? -- Alfred E. Newman * What, after all, is a halo? It's only one more thing to keep clean. -- Fry * Whatever you want to do, you have to do something else first. * When God created two sexes, he may have been overdoing it. -- Charles Smith * When I look at my children, I often wish I had remained a virgin. -- L. Carter * When I'm good, I'm very good. But when I'm bad, I'm better. -- Mae West * When Mozart was my age, he had been dead for two years. -- Tom Lehrer * When angry, count four; when very angry, swear. -- Mark Twain * When evolution is outlawed, only outlaws will evolve. * When in charge, ponder. When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate. * When in doubt, lead trump. * When in trouble or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout. * When it comes to helping you, some people stop at nothing. * When marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws. * When one burns one's bridges, what a very nice fire it makes. -- Dylan Thomas * When someone says, "It ain't the money, but the principle," it's the money. * When the going gets tough, everyone leaves. -- Lynch * When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro. -- Hunter Thompson * When they ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in? * When working hard, be sure to get up and retch every so often. * When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut. * When you breathe you inspire. When you do not breathe you expire. * When you dial a wrong number you never get a busy signal. * When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers. * When you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow. -- LBJ * When you've seen one non-sequitar, the price of tea in China. * When your memory goes, forget it! * Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes. * Whenever anyone says, "theoretically", they really mean, "not really". -- Parnas * Where is Denver? Denver is just below the O in Colorado. * Where there's a whip there's a way. * Where there's a will, there's a relative. * Whether you can hear it or not, the universe is laughing behind your back. * Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Neither, it was the rooster. * Which is worse, ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares? * While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining position. * White dwarf seeks red giant for binary relationship. * Who cares about procreation, as long as it tickles? * Who dat who say "who dat" when I say "who dat"? -- Hattie McDaniel Humor Digest - September 90 A Huge List Of One Liners Bonus Section #2 * Who was that masked man? * Who's on first? * Whoever said money can't buy happiness didn't know where to shop. * Why be difficult when, with a bit of effort, you could be impossible? * Why did the chicken cross the road? He was giving it last rites. * Why doesn't life come with subtitles? * Why is "abbreviated" such a long word? * Why is it that there are so many more horses' asses than horses? -- Liddy * Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet? -- Lily Tomlin * Why would anyone want to be called Later? * Winning isn't everything, but losing isn't anything. * With a rubber duck, one's never alone. * Without life, Biology itself would be impossible. * Women who desire to be like men, lack ambition. * Work is the curse of the drinking class. * Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down. * Yawning is an orgasm for your face. -- Gunvar Ingeborg * Years of development: We finally got one to work. * Yesterday was the deadline on all complaints. * Yield to temptation; it might not pass your way again. * Yo-yo: Something occasionally up but normally down (see also "computer"). * You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all alike. * You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all different. * You are not paranoid if they're really after you... * You are ugly and your mother dresses you funny. * You are warm and giving toward others. What are you after? * You aren't a real engineer until you make one $50,000 mistake. * You can fool some of the people some of the time, and that is sufficient. * You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word. * You can observe a lot just by watchin'. -- Yogi Berra * You can rent this profound space for only $5 a week. * You can't have Kate and Edith too! * You can't have everything. Where would you put it? * You cannot buy beer; you can only rent it. * You cannot determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter. * You could be playing a video game instead. * You fill a much-needed gap. * You have a right to your opinions. I just don't want to hear them. * You have been selected for a secret mission. * You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You will learn a lot today. * You know you have landed gear-up when it takes full power to taxi. * You never know who is right, but you always know who is in charge. -- Whistler * You now have Asian Flu. * You will be reincarnated as a toad; and you will be much happier. * You will be surprised by a loud noise. * You will feel hungry again in another hour. * You will live a long full life and gradually decay into a useless Humor Digest - September 90 A Huge List Of One Liners Bonus Section #2 blob. * You will live a long, healthy, happy life and make bags of money. * You will never hit your finger if you hold the hammer with both hands. * You will pay for your sins. If you have already paid, please disregard. * You will soon forget this. * You will step on the night soil of many countries. * You won't skid if you stay in a rut. -- Frank Hubbard * You would if you could but you can't so you won't (and probably shouldn't). * You'll find it all at Greeley Mall. -- Radio advertisement * Your chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to... uh... * Your check is in the mail. * Your fly might be open (but don't check it just now). * Your love life will be... interesting. * Your lucky number has been disconnected. * Your lucky number is 364958674928. Watch for it everywhere. * Your reasoning is silly and irrational but it is beginning to make sense. * Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with. * Youth is too good to be wasted on the young. -- G. B. Shaw * [He] has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire. -- Churchill * [Nuclear war]... may not be desirable. -- Edwin Meese III * f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Humor Digest - September 90 |