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The collection anecdote's 8
* Tasteless Jokes *
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06-26-92
The following are a collection of tasteless jokes that I have heard in my
travels. Enjoy!
NASA
----
Where did the Challenger crew take their vacation?
All over Florida
CELEBRITIES
-----------
What kind of wood doesn't float?
Natalie Wood
Natalie Wood did not shower the day of her death. Her reason?
She wanted to wash up later on the beach
Why did Jessica Savitch's car sink to the bottom of the canal with her
in it?
She was the anchor-woman
What did they find in Jessica Savitch's glove compartment when they
pulled the car from the canal?
Ted Kennedy's road maps
SERIAL KILLERS
--------------
How did they find out Jeffrey Dahmer was a cigarette smoker?
They found a bunch of butts behind his couch
What is Jeffrey Dahmer's favorite line of clothing?
Dis-Members Only
Jeffrey Dahmer had his mother over for dinner when she suddenly said,
"You know, Jeffrey, I don't like your neighbors..."
Which he responded, "Just eat the vegetables then..."
ETHIOPIANS
----------
How many Ethiopians can you fit in a phone booth?
All of them
What do you call an Ethiopian with a fur coat on?
A pipe cleaner
What do you call an Ethiopian walking a dog?
A caterer
AIDS
----
Doctor: "Your wife either has Ahlzeimer's or AIDS."
Husband: "How can we find out which?"
Doctor: "I need you to run a little experiment this weekend. Take
your wife to a park and leave her there. If she finds her
way home; don't fuck her."
What does MAGIC stand for in Magic Johnson?
My Ass Got Infected Coach
How did David Copperfield catch AIDS?
He was playing with Magic (D.C. has never been reported as having AIDS)
When asked how his daughter does not have AIDS and he does, Magic Johnson
replied: "I used a condom".
DATING
------
Woman answers a knock at the door and is greeted with roses.
Her Girl Friend: "Who are they from?"
Woman: "My boyfriend; guess that means I'll have to keep my legs open
all weekend"
Girl Friend: "Why not use a vase?"
BLONDES
-------
Why do blondes wear panties?
To keep their ankles warm
FOOD
----
Customer: "Waiter, is that Monk-fish blackened or broiled?"
Waiter: "Neither, its a fryer" (ba-da-boom)
Sexual Jokes
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I read in this morning's paper that AIDS indeed can be transmitted
via toilet seats... It most frequently occurs when one sits down on one
before the previous guy gets up!
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While on a picnic one day, Mae West fell asleep in a field where cows
were grazing. While she slept, one of the cows had managed to position
itself so that its udder was directly over Mae's head. Mae woke suddenly
and saw the udder. Still half asleep, Mae exclaimed, "Please boys, one at
a time."
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One day a man was walking on the beach. As he walked, he saw a girl
sitting in a wheelchair, looking out at the ocean and sobbing
uncontrollably.
Curious, he walked up to her and asked her what was wrong. She
sniffled, "I've never been kissed....uhhhwWAAAAHhh!!"
He thought on this a moment, and then took her face gently in his
hands and kissed her.
The next week, he was walking on the beach again, and he saw the same
girl sitting in the same spot, sobbing uncontrollably again. He walked to
her,and asked what was wrong now. Through her tears, she stammered out,
"I've never been fucked.....WAAhhhhhhhhhh!"
He thought about that for a moment, and then picked her up lovingly
in his arms. He walks towards the ocean, and throws her in. He yells
after her: "There. NOW YOU'RE FUCKED!!!!"
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A man was thrown out of a house of ill repute for complaining about
the quality of service. The manager told him "You don't have grounds for
a complaint because you knew her name was Ill Wind when you came in here."
(HINT: Old saying "It's an ill wind that blows nobody good.)
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Little Johnny was 12 years old, and like other boys his age, rather
curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about "courting" from the older
boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done.
One day he asked his mother, who instead of explaining things to
Johnny, told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older
sister and her boyfriend. This he did.
The following morning Johnny described everything to his mother: "Sis
and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile. Then he turned off most of
the lights and started kissing and hugging her. I figured she must be
getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought
so too, because be put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just
like the doctor would. Except he's not as smart as the doctor, because he
seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick
too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out
of breath. His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her
skirt. About this time, Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and
squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when
the fever started. I know it was a fever, because Sis told him that she
felt really hot. Finally, I found out what was making them so sick, a big
eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It jumped out of his pants and
stood there, about ten inches long. Honest! Anyway, he grabbed it in one
hand to keep it from getting away. Then Sis saw it, she got really
scared: her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open. She started calling
Humor Digest - April 90
Sexual Jokes
out God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she's ever
seen. I should tell her about the ones down at the lake. Anyway, Sis got
brave and tried to kill the eel by biting it's head off. All of a sudden
she made a noise and let the eel go--I guess it bit her back. Then she
grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of
his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting
again. Sis laid back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock
on it and he helped by lying on top of it. The eel put up a hell of a
fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset
the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between
them. After a while, they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her
boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew it was
dead because it just hung there, limp, and some of it's insides were
hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle,
but they went back to "courting" again. He started hugging and kissing
her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead!! It jumped straight up and
started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats; they have nine lives
or something. This time I knew they killed it because Sis's boyfriend
peeled the skin off and flushed it down the toilet."
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A man and his wife went to the zoo. While they were looking at the
gorillas, a male gorilla grabs the wife, tears off her clothes and starts
to rape her.
She is terrified and screams to her husband, "John, help me! What
should I do?"
Her husband yells back to her, "Tell him about your headaches, dear."
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Two gays were out hitchhiking on the freeway, and a man stops to pick
them up.
After travelling for a little while, the fag in the back asks the
driver, "Hey, big guy, mind if I fart?" The driver responds,"No, go right
a ahead."
So the fag spreads his legs and lets it go. 'WOOOOOOOOSH!'
A while later the fag in the front says, "Hey, cutie, mind if I fart
too?" The driver goes, "Nah, it's fine with me." He lets it go.
'WOOOOOOOOOOSH'!
The driver then says, "Well, I'm sure you guys won't mind if I
fart..." He spreads his legs and lets it rip. 'PPPPBBBBBBBLLLLL!'
The two fags look and each other and say in unison, "VIRGIN!"
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There are these three guys. One is one his way up a hill to get to
the whore house, one is in the whore house and the third is on his way
down the hill away from the whore house.
What are the nationalities of the three guys?
The guy on his way up the hill : Russian
The guy on his way down the hill : Finnish
And the guy in the whore house : Himalayan
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Two guys and a woman were on an island. After 2 weeks the woman was
so ashamed at what she was doing she killed herself by jumping out of a
tree.
Two weeks later the 2 guys were so ashamed at what they were doing
they buried her.
Two weeks later they were so ashamed at what they were doing they dug
Humor Digest - April 90
Sexual Jokes
her back up.
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One day Red Riding Hood wanted to visit her grandma. Her mom was
worried and cautioned her about the wolf. Little Red just smiled and
patted her picnic basket, "Don't worry about me, Mom!"
Sure enough she hadn't gone far when the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from
behind a tree and said, "Ha, now I've got you Little Red Riding Hood, and
I'm gonna fuck your butt raw!"
Little Red calmly reached into her basket, pulled out a 44 magnum and
said,"Oh no you don't, you son-of-a-bitch, you're going to eat me, just
like in the story!!!"
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"Adam," the heavenly voice called to the Garden of Eden, "what did
you and Eve do today?"
"We ate some fruit, Lord," Adam said reverently.
"Did you eat of the forbidden tree?" asked God.
"Yes, Lord, we did," Adam confessed.
"And then what did you do?" God asked.
"We made mad, passionate love all afternoon."
"Where is Eve now?" the Lord bellowed.
"She's down at the brook washing herself out."
"Oh, no," the Lord moaned, "I sure hope the fish aren't going to
smell now!"
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This guy was staggering down the side of the highway with his keys in
his hand held perpendicular to his stomach.
A cop drove by and stopped to ask him, "Excuse me sir, are you
looking for something?"
The guy replied, "Yeah, I'm looking for my car."
To this the cop inquired, "Well, where did you last leave it?"
The guy answered, "At the end of these keys."
Irate, the cop remarked, "Just look at you. Not only are you in no
condition to drive, but you're a mess: your shirt's undone, your tie's
coming off,your buckle is unbuckled, your pants aren't zippered, and your
penis is hanging out."
The guy looked down and exclaimed, "Oh, I lost my girlfriend too!"
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Three school boys were discussing which way you enter heaven.
The first boy said, "You enter with your hands first because you're
praying to God as you go up."
The second boy argued, "No, no. You enter with your head first
because you're thinking about God and God is in your mind."
The third boy retorted, "No, no, no. You enter with your feet
first."
Puzzled, the other two boys inquired, "Feet first? How do you figure
that?"
To which the boy replied, "Well, the other morning I walked in on
mommy and daddy, and mommy had her feet way up in the air as she was
screaming, 'OhGod, I'm coming!'"
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There was this drunk who said to the bartender, "I want a woman!" so
the bartender gave him directions to a place.
The drunk was so messed up that he couldn't remember where the
bartender told him to go. So he accidently walks into a Foot doctor's
Humor Digest - April 90
Sexual Jokes
office.
The lady at the counter asks, "Can I help you?"
The Drunk says,"Yes, I want some service."
So the lady replies, "Go in the other room and put it on the table."
So the drunk goes and puts his dick on the table.
The lady comes in and says, "That's not a foot!"
The drunk replies, "Give it time, lady, Give it time."
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The young girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on
her first visit home since starting college.
"Mom, I have to tell you," the girl confessed, "I lost my virginity
last weekend."
"I'm not surprised," said her mother, "it was bound to happen sooner
or later. I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable experience."
"Well, yes and no," the pretty student remarked, "the first eight
guys felt great, but after them my pussy got real sore."
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Abbie and Patrick grew up together but hadn't seen each other since
leaving high school. Patrick had become a priest and Abbie a rabbi. One
day Abbie went to visit his old friend. They were having a great time
talking over old times when Father Patrick remembered that he had to hear
confession. He asked Abbie to come along and see how it was done.
Soon after they were seated in the confessional, there came a tap at
the little window. A voice from the other side said, "Father forgive me,
for I have sinned. I had sex with two men last week." Father Patrick
responded with, "Say ten Hail Mary's and put five dollars in the poor box
and your sins will be forgiven."
Shortly thereafter another knock and another voice saying, "Father
forgive me. I had sex twice last week with my boyfriend." Again Father
Patrick responded with, "Say ten Hail Mary's and put five dollars in the
poor box and your sins will be forgiven."
Abbie asked Patrick if it would be all right to try one himself.
Patrick told him to take the next one.
Soon a knock came and a voice said, "Father forgive me, my boyfriend
and I had sex once last week." Abbie replied, "Well, go out and do it
again. We're running a special this week. Two for five dollars."
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A young bull and an old bull were standing on a hill looking down at
a herd of cows in the field below.
The young bull, getting a little horny at the thought of all those
cows, said to the old bull, "Lets run down there and stick it to a few of
those cows."
The older, and wiser, bull replied, "Why don't we just walk down and
stick it to them ALL."
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The BMW slips by the radar control post, quickly the officer pulls
onto the road for a quick on the fly speed check.
The BMW is driving oddly, every now and then, it slows, veers to the
side and speeds up again.
Curious by now, the officer advances to the BMW, and notices a male
driver and his female companion engaged in some activity besides driving.
Suddenly, the BMW veers of the side of the road, hits a tree and
slides to a halt. In the process the girl is flung from the car and
crushed against a cliff. The seatbelted driver stays with the car.
Humor Digest - April 90
Sexual Jokes
The officer rushes to the girl only to find that she is beyond help.
He then runs to the BMW where the driver is moaning and bent over. The
officer says: "Hey fella I got some bad news for you, your friend didn't
make it through the crash."
The driver keeps moaning saying "I'm ruined, ruined and it's all on
account of that bitch!"
The officer says again: "Look fella, I don't know why you feel so bad
for yourself but your ladyfriend has just brought the farm!"
The driver moans back, "Dammit officer, I'd rather be in her place;
didn't you see what she had in her hand?"
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This guy wanted to get a tatoo, but in a place that wasn't usually
visible to everyone, so he decided to get it put on his penis.
This guy had a girlfriend named Wendy, and that's what he wanted the
tatoo to say. So off he went to the tatoo place.
When he arrived at the tatoo parlor, he told the tattooist where he
wanted the tatoo, and what he wanted it to say. Of course the tatoo had
to be put on while this guys penis was erect, so it would spell out
'Wendy' when it was erect.
A few days later the guy was in a restaurant bathroom taking a piss,
and saw that the guy in the next stall also had a tatoo on his penis, and
he saw that the tatoo started with the letters 'W' and ended with the
letter 'Y'.
He said "HEY! You must have a girl friend named Wendy too huh?" (as
he showed his tatoo to the guy)
The other guy replied "Hell NO! Mine says 'Welcome to Jamaica...
and have a nice day'"
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There was this 97 year old guy that just married a young girl.
Well, after a few weeks of having a non-sexual relationship, his wife
got pissed off. The 97 year old guy couldn't get it up.
So he went to his doctor about his problem. The doctor said "Sorry,
can't help you."
So the 97 year old guy went to this Indian medicine man and told him
about his problem. The medicine man said that he had a potion that would
allow him to get a hard-on 3 times, but after the third time, he would
die. The 97 year old man said ok because he was probably gonna die after
having sex with his wife anyway as he was so old. The 97 year old drank
the potion, and drove home.
On the way home, he decided to try to see if the potion worked. To
make his dick hard, he had to say "BEEP", and to make his dick normal, he
was to say "BEEP BEEP". So he said BEEP, and sure enough, his dick popped
up-WHAMO! He said wow! This is neat! He said BEEP BEEP to make it go
back down, and it did.
Well along the way home he BEEPed at a dog in the road, and his dick
went up as hard as a rock again. SO he said BEEP BEEP, and it went back
down.
When he got home he ran in his house, and said honey, QUICK! Get
onto the bed, I'm gonna screw you! He said BEEP for his last time,
knowing that he would die after it went down. Well his wife said, "What
with this BEEP BEEP shit?"
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When the Germans occupied France, Hitler ordered all his troops to
rape the native women and, when finished, say, "In nine months you will
Humor Digest - April 90
Sexual Jokes
have a child. You may name it Adolph Hitler. Heil Hitler!"
Well, Hans was not the type who went for this kind of thing, but
pressure from his superior officer made him go seeking a nice French
lass.
When he found one to his liking, he overpowered her, had his way, and
announced, "In nine months you will have a child. You may name it Adolph
Hitler. Heil Hitler!"
The girl then replied, "In nine days you will have a rash. You may
call it herpes. Vive la France!"
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Barbara Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of American
Indians.
After a tour of the reservation they were on she wondered why there
was a difference in the number of feathers in the braves headdresses.
She asked one brave, who had one feather in his headdress. His reply
was, "Me have only one squaw, me have only one feather."
She asked another brave feeling that the first fellow was only
joking. This brave, who had four feathers in his headdress replied, "UGH,
me have four feathers because me sleep with four squaws."
Still not convinced she decided to interview the chief. Now the
chief had a headdress full of feathers which needless to say amused Ms.
Walters. She asked the chief, "Why do have so many feathers in your
headdress?"
The chief pounded his chest and said, "Me chief, me fuck'em all, BIG
small, fat, tall, me fuck'em all!"
Horrified, Ms. Walters stated, "You ought to be hung!"
The chief replies, "You damned right me hung; big like buffalo, long
like snake."
Ms. Walters CRIED, "You don't have to be so damn HOSTILE!"
The chief replied, "Hoss style, dog style, wolf style, any style, ME
FUCK'EM ALL!"
With tears in her eyes Ms. Walters cries, "OH DEAR!"
The chief said, "NO DEER, me fuck no deer, asshole to high, the
fuckers run to fast! NO FUCK DEER!"
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A little boy holds out his hand and says, "I've got two pennies."
The little girl he's talking to says, "Well I've got three pennies."
The boy says, "I've got 5 marbles."
"I have 8 marbles," replies the girl.
The boy pulls down his pants and points to his penis and says, "I've
got one of these..."
The little girl lifts up her skirt, points to her vagina and says:
"Well I've got one of these. And with this, I can get all of that
(pointing to the boys genitals) that I want!"
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A mother went to the doctor to get a prescription for the pill.
He said that she was a bit old to be taking it, but she replied, "Oh,
doctor, it relaxes me!"
The doctor responded, "But you know what the purpose of the pill is,
don't you?!"
She replied, "Yes doctor, but my daughter dates, and every morning I
drop one into her orange juice, and believe me, I feel relaxed."
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Humor Digest - April 90
Ethnic Jokes
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Two Polish hunters were riding along in their car when they saw a
left turn sign that said BEAR LEFT.
So they went home.
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A motorist driving along a country road in Georgia, came upon the
scene of an accident. A bus full of blacks had hit a tree, split open,
and strewn dead bodies all over the place.
The motorist, realizing he couldn't be of any help, rushed to the
nearest town and reported the accident to the sheriff.
When the sheriff returned to the scene he found the bus but no blacks
were to be seen anywhere. Seeing a farmer plowing a field nearby, the
sheriff went to talk to him.
"Do you know anything about the accident?" the sheriff asked.
The redneck replied, "Yeah, I saw the whole thing."
The sheriff asked, "Were are the people?"
The redneck replied, "I buried them."
The sheriff asked, "Weren't any of them alive?"
The redneck replied, "Well sheriff, some said that they was, but you
know you can't believe anything them black boys say!"
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An Israeli was sitting between two Arabs on a long airplane flight.
He had just removed his shoes and gotten comfortable when one of the Arabs
nudged him and said,"Hey, Jew, go get us some orange juice." To avoid any
trouble, the Israeli did so. When he left, both Arabs spat into his
shoes.
The Israeli came back with the juice, which the Arabs gulped down.
The rest of the flight was uneventful. The plane landed, and the Israeli
put on his shoes and felt the squishing inside. He turned to the Arabs
and said,"If there is ever going to be peace in the Middle East, the Arabs
will have to stop spitting in the shoes of Jews, and the Jews will have to
stop pissing in the Arabs' orange juice."
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A white boy and a black boy were discussing what color God was.
Since their argument was getting nowhere, the white boy decided, "I'll
tell you what: tonight when I go to bed and pray to God, I'll ask him what
color he is." And the black boy was thrilled with the idea.
So, later that night, as the white boy was praying, he asked, "God,
what color are you?" This big thunderous voice answered, "I AM WHAT I AM!"
And the white boy went to bed with a big triumphant smile on his face.
The next day at school, the black boy came running to him asking,
"Well, did you ask him? What did he say?"
The white boy replied, "Yep, and he's white."
Black boy: "Oh yeah? What did he say exactly?"
White boy: "He said, 'I am what I am.'"
Black boy: "I am what I am? That doesn't tell you what color he is."
White boy: "It SURE does; if he was black, he would have said, 'I is
what I is.'"
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This northerner was driving through Georgia one rainy night when he
hits these 2 blacks who were walking along side the road.
When the sheriff shows up, the guy explains, "Geez I didn't see 'em
Humor Digest - April 90
Ethnic Jokes
Sir, it was totally unavoidable!!"
The Ole Sheriff looks around sees one guy is all busted up and got
his head through the windshield, the other guy is off in a tree in an
adjacent field.
So the Sheriff says "No Problem, well charge this one with Breakin' &
Enterin' and that one with leavin' the scene of an accident!"
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There was a Scotsman and a moron out hunting, when out of the bushes
emerges the most beautiful lady the old Scot had ever seen.
He calmly asked her: "Are ye game, Lass?"
To wit, she nodded, and they disappeared into the bushes for a lovely
game of bump and tickle.
The moron stood there with slackened jaw pondering the situation
when just as suddenly, there appeared another comely female with a coy
look on her face.
The moron screwed up his courage and asked her: "D-uh, are you game?"
She nodded her head; so he took aim and shot her.
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These two alligators, one a runt the other a giant, meet in a swamp
and stop to chat.
Runt: "Hey, how did you get so big?"
Giant: "I eat NIGGERS."
Runt: "So do I but look how small I am!"
Giant: "Well what do you do to the 'em?"
Runt: "Well, I beat the shit out of 'em then down the hatch they go."
Giant: "No wonder! If you beat the shit out of them, all you have left
is skin, lip, and sneakers!"
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A man stops at a bar to get a quickly and ties his dog outside. As
he was drinking, a black man walks in, and they start talking.
Black: "Hey you, is dat your dog out der?"
Man: "Yes." Black: "Well she's in heat!"
Man: "No, that's not possible, I tied her up in the shade."
Black: "No man, she's hungry for it!"
Man: "I don't think so, I fed her this morning."
Black: "Man! Let me say it straight. Your dog needs to be FUCKED!"
Man: "Go ahead! I always wanted a coon-dog!"
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The mayor of New York offered a million dollars to anyone who could
rid the city of pigeons. After two weeks, a man called city hall and
agreed to do it so the mayor met him on the Brooklyn bridge at noon the
following day. The man arrived with nothing but a pink pigeon, and at
precisely noon, let the bird fly free.
Within minutes all of the pigeons in New York city were following the
bird. The man then whistled, and the pink pigeon flew back, dove into the
water, and drowned itself. To the mayor's amazement, the rest of the
pigeons followed, and drowned in the river. The mayor was so pleased that
he not only paid the man $1 million, but also gave him a two hundred
thousand dollar bonus.
After paying the man, the mayor asked, "You don't happen to have any
pink Puerto Ricans, do you?"
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Elmo was a real looser when it came to women. He was ugly and had a
horrible physique which instigated mountains of laughter from passing
Humor Digest - April 90
Ethnic Jokes
women.
Elmo asked his friend Scott (a real stud) for help.
"Just do what I do," said Scott, "Simply place an apple in your
bathing shorts, and walk around the swimming club. Women go nuts! It
works for me!"
So Elmo tried it. But to his bitter disappointment, when the women
saw him, they laughed at him even harder than before.
Elmo went back to Scott and complained that this method didn't work
for him.
"Show me what you did," Scott said. Elmo put the apple in his
bathing shorts.
"You idiot!," Scott howled, "You're supposed to put the apple in the
FRONT of your shorts!"
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Humor Digest - April 90
Gross Jokes
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Little Johnny was asked by his school teacher to write a report about
a "scientific experiment" he could perform and tell his fellow students
about.
Little Johnny was in a real quandary about what sort of "experiment"
he could write and tell about. Then, as he was walking home from school
he spotted his "experiment", a grasshopper.
Little Johnny walked over to the grasshopper, and the grasshopper was
just sitting still, quietly, minding his own business. Little Johnny
ordered, "Jump!" The grasshopper jumped 35 feet! Little Johnny wrote down
some notes, "Grasshopper jumped 35 feet with BOTH legs."
Then Little Johnny caught up to the grasshopper, tore off one of his
legs, and ordered "Jump!" The grasshopper still managed to jump 25 feet
(with ONLY one leg) Little Johnny wrote more notes, "Grasshopper jumped 25
feet with ONE leg."
So, Little Johnny caught up to the grasshopper again, and tore off
his other leg, and again ordered, "Jump!" The grasshopper just sat there.
Little Johnny again ordered, "Jump!" And, of course, the grasshopper
just sat there.
Little Johnny wrote in his notes, "When you tear BOTH legs off a
grasshopper it goes DEAF."
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A guy on an airplane desperately has to use the toilet, but the men's
is occupied. The flight attendant gives him the okay to use the ladies
toilet but warns him not to push any of the buttons that say W-W, W-A, P-P
or A-T-R.
Once the man gets inside, his curiosity gets the best of him so he
presses the W-W button... a squirt of warm water wets his behind.
"Hmmm," he says to himself, "not bad." He goes ahead and presses the W-A
button and gets a little burst of warm air on his behind. Of course he
couldn't resist pressing the P-P button and a powder puff comes out and
puts perfumed powder on his behind.
He says to himself, "Gee, these women really have it made, this is
great."
He then pushes the A-T-R button and next thing he realizes he wakes
up in a hospital. He looks up at the nurse and asks, "What am I doing
here, did we crash or something?"
The nurse smiles and replies, "It seems you pushed the Automatic
Tampon Removal button. By the way, if you're looking for your dick, it's
under your pillow."
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A guy is out ice-fishing on a frozen lake. Saws a hole in the ice,
drops his line and waits. Nothing happens.
Another guy is ice fishing just a few yards away, and has a nice pile
of fish stacked beside him. First guy waits patiently. Nothing happens.
Second guy reels in a fish every minute or so and stacks it beside
him.
Finally, in frustration the first guy walks over to the second and
asks him, "Say, I notice you've got quite a few fish there, and I haven't
gotten a nibble. Mind if I ask you the secret of your success?"
Second guy looks up with a funny expression on his face and mumbles
something with his mouth closed that is totally incoherent.
First guy says, "I didn't quite catch that. Do you think you could
repeat it?"
Humor Digest - April 90
Gross Jokes
Second guy makes more closed-mouth mumbling sounds.
"I'm sorry, I really can't understand you. Do you think you could
talk a little more clearly?"
Second guy cups his hand and spits a big wad of what looks like
chewing tobacco into his hand. Looks up at the first guy and says very
plainly, "Keep your worms warm."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the most disgusting think you can think of?
Siamese twins.
Joined at the mouth.
One of them has to throw-up!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A well dressed lawyer went into a bar for a martini and found himself
beside a scrungy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in
his hand.
The lawyer leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to
the light, slurring "Well, it looks like plastic." Then he rolled it
between his fingers, adding, "But it feels like rubber."
Curious, the lawyer asked, "What do you have there mister?"
The drunk stammered, "Damn if I know, but it looks like plastic and
feels like rubber."
The lawyer said,"Let me take a look." So the drunk handed it over.
The lawyer rolled it between his thumb and fingers, then examined it
closely. "Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but I
don't know what it is. Where did you get it anyway?"
The drunk replied, "Outa my nose."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was this guy who stopped off for a beer. However, just as the
bartender put the beer on the bar, there was a loud disturbance outside.
The guy ran out to see what was going on but soon went back to drink his
beer.
When he got back he found his glass empty and a note saying "Thanks
for the beer!" He was a little ticked-off but ordered another beer
anyway.
Again, just as the bartender put the beer down a loud crash was heard
in the street. Thinking that someone ran into his parked car, the guy
runs outside to check on things. Seeing that his car was okay he returned
to the bar and again found his glass empty and another note that said
"Thanks again, this was as good as the first one."
Well the guy still hadn't had a beer to quench his thirst, so he
ordered another. Just as the bartender put the beer down, a series of
shots were heard outside. This time the guy wasn't going to lose his beer
to anybody. So he spit into the beer and left a note saying "Enjoy, I
just spit into the beer." He then ran outside to see what had happened.
When he returned he was delighted to find that his beer was just
where he left it. However this time the note said "You enjoy, I spit in
it too!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There were 2 statues, one a nude man the other a nude woman, located
in the center of a park.
A fairy Godmother was flying around when she noticed the pair.
Having great pity she changed them into humans, and they immediately
ran off into the bushes. Leaves and branches were flying everywhere.
Humor Digest - April 90
Gross Jokes
They emerged about an hour later and the man said to the woman, "All
right, you hold them pigeons and I'll shit on 'em!!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman and a zoo keeper were at the zoo watching the monkeys eat.
The woman noticed a very strange monkey. This monkey would peal a
banana and then run it in and out of his ass several times before he would
eat it. The woman kept watching and every banana the monkey would eat, he
would shove it up his ass several times before eating it.
The woman asked the zoo keeper,"Why is that monkey doing that?"
The zoo keeper replied, "About a month ago someone threw him a
peach. He swallowed the peach and when he shit the peach pit it ripped
his asshole open. Now he likes to test fit everything before he eats it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Humor Digest - April 90
Clean Jokes
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Father Pat and Father Mike were riding down the highway with Father
Pat at the wheel. Mileage was being ticked off pretty well when suddenly
a little rabbit jumped up onto the highway right in front of the car.
Father Pat did everything he could to miss the little bunny, he wrenched
the wheel around, jammed on the brakes, and almost tipped the car over
with his maneuvers, but to no avail; the rabbit was hit before the car
could be stopped.
Both priests jumped out of the car, ran back to the rabbit to see if
there was anything that could be done, but alas, it appeared that the
rabbit was gone.
Father Pat pulled a bottle out of his pocket, sprinkled a few drops
of the liquid on the rabbit, and instantly it jumped up and started waving
vigorously.
Father Mike looked at Father Pat and said, "It's a miracle!"
The rabbit stood there and continued to wave at them. Since it
appeared that nothing else was needed, the two priests returned to the
car, and Father Pat continued down the road.
Father Mike kept looking out the back window and, for as long as he
could see the rabbit, it was still standing there and waving.
When the rabbit was out of sight, Father Mike sat back and considered
the sequence of events. Finally he said, "Father Pat, just what was in
that bottle?"
In response, Father Pat pulled the bottle out of his pocket once more
and handed it to Father Mike who read the label:
"Hair Restorer with Permanent Wave"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
When my wife and I first came to California, we couldn't decide what
the name of the valley was. We tried several pronunciations, none of
which we agreed on. Eventually, this turned into a heated argument and a
near breakup.
It was our good fortune that we pulled into the valley and pulled
into the first fast food place we could find. We went into the eatery and
sat down.
I promptly went over to the counter and said to the sales boy, "My
wife and I cannot agree on how you say the name of this place. Could you
please speak slowly, and pronounce correctly the name of this place?"
The boy was very pleased to comply. He smiled as he leaned forward,
and said: "D-a-i-r-y Q-u-e-e-n."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was a travelling salesman one day passing through a rural area
when he happened upon a chicken with four legs running across the road.
Bewildered, he followed it into a yard where a farmer was sitting in
a rocker, chewing on a weed.
Said the salesman, "Did you breed these chickens?" To which the
farmer replied, "Yup."
The salesman asked the farmer if he had considered marketing the
chickens what with their increased drumstick yield.
The farmer replied, "Yup I did, but I haven't even been able to catch
one of the damn things yet!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy at work finds out that he has just won the six million dollar
jackpot in the state lottery. Immediately he calls home to tell his
wife. "Honey," he says, "I just won the lottery, pack your bags!"
Humor Digest - April 90
Clean Jokes
"What should I pack for the trip, summer or winter clothes?" she
asks.
"I don't care, as long as you're not home when I get there."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
This computer sales man had never been out of the city of New york.
He was such a crackerjack salesman that eventually the boss promoted him
to upstate Michigan. He was slightly scared because he did not know how
to react to anything but concrete, but finally agreed. As he drove out of
the city he marveled at the many sights and sounds of the country. Near
Benton Harbor he saw a farmer standing at the rear of a cow.
Curious he stopped and leaned over the fence to get a better look.
Of all the things he had seen (birds, bees, flowers, and other new things)
this was the most interesting.
The farmer called over to him and said, "Would you help me pull this
calf, neighbor?"
The salesman agreed and after 15 minutes of hard sweaty work the calf
was out on the ground and being cleaned by the cow. The farmer thanked
him for his help.
The salesman looked around for a minute before he spoke, "I only have
one question. How fast was that calf going when it hit the cow?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Lone Ranger and Tonto found themselves surrounded by thousands of
hostile Apaches.
The masked man turned to his sidekick and said, "Well, old friend, it
looks like we're done for."
Tonto replied, "What you mean 'WE', paleface?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Larry wasn't feeling too well, so he went to the doctor for a
checkup. The doctor did some tests and told Larry that when the test
results came back from the lab he would call him and let him know what was
what.
A few days went by and Larry got a call from the doctor.
"Well," said the doctor, "I have some good news and some bad news."
Larry said, "Tell me the good news first."
"O.K.," said the doctor. "The GOOD news is that you have 24 hours to
live!"
"If that's the good news," yells Larry, "then what's the bad news?"
"The BAD news is, I called to tell you yesterday, but you didn't
answer the phone."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three big game hunters were sitting in a posh country club.
The first guy says, "I think it's spelled W-H-O-O-M-M-B."
The second hunter says, "NO NO, that's not right, it's spelled
W-H-H-O-O-M-M-B-A."
The third guy says, I belive it is spelled W-O-O-O-M."
About this time a cocktail waitress comes over after overhearing the
conversation and states: You men are all wrong! The correct spelling is
W-O-M-B." With that she stalks away muttering.
The first hunter looks at the other two in amazement, and says, "What
do you know? She's heard an elephant fart too!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A kid had been bugging his dad for a pony. Finally his dad brought
him home a chemestry set and said "Look son, I can't afford to get you a
pony right now. Play with this set and maybe one day you can have a
Humor Digest - April 90
Clean Jokes
pony."
About a week later, the father was getting home from work and he saw
his kid driving worms into the ground with a hammer.
"Son," the father asks, "how in the world did you make those worms
stiff enough to drive in the ground like that?"
"Well", said the kid, "I just mixed up a formular with this set you
gave me and it makes limber things hard as a rock!"
His dad said: "Give me that formula and you get your pony!!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two hunters, Jake and Bill, were out hunting deer in the mountains.
Ol' Jake told Bill he had to go, so he went behind some bushes. A few
seconds later Ol' Jake starts screaming. Bill ran behind the bushes to
see what was going on. Ol'Jake yells at him," I've just been bitten on
the head of my pecker by a rattlesnake!!!" Bill told Jake to lay down and
he would go get a doc. So Bill jumped into the truck and headed for town,
5 miles away. He found the doctor's office, rushed in, and yelled for the
doctor. The doctor came out of the back room and asked Bill what the
commotion was all about. Bill told the doctor that Ol` Jake got bit by a
rattlesnake and that he needed to take the doctor back up to the mountains
with him. The doctor told him that he couldn't go because he was the only
doctor for over a hundred miles and that he had to deliver a baby. But he
told Bill what to do. He said," What you do is make two small incisions
over the bite wounds and suck the poison out. You should be able to get
Jake down here safely then." Bill jumped into the pickup truck and headed
back up the mountain. When he got to the campsite, Ol' Jake said,"Bill,
what did the doctor say?"
Bill looked sadly at Jake and said, "HE SAID YOU'RE GONNA DIE!!!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Humor Digest - April 90
Other Jokes
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Little Johnny was sitting in the church yard rolling this bottle of
liquid back and forth watching the bubbles in it.
The Priest walked up and said,"What'cha got in the bottle Johnny?"
Little Johnny replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the
world!"
The Priest thought about this for a second or two and said, "But
Johnny, the most powerful liquid in the world is holy water. Why, did you
know that if you put holy water on a pregnant woman's belly, she will pass
a boy every time!"
Little Johnny cocked his head, looked up at the priest, and sneered,
"Big Deal! This is turpentine, and if I put this on a cat's ass, he'll
pass a Harley Davidson!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Humor Digest - April 90
Sexual One-Liners
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Is it better to be born a black or a homosexual?
A: A black because you don't have to hide it from your parents.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you get when you cross a black with a homosexual Eskimo?
A: A snowblower that doesn't work.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A: Because they don't have balls to scratch!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What are an Elephant's sex organs?
A: It's feet : If it steps on you you're fucked!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did the young girl give up bowling for sex?
A: Because the balls are lighter and she didn't have to change her shoes.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's green and smells like pork?
A: Kermit's finger.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the definition of a lesbian?
A: Another woman trying to do a mans job.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do women have more problems with hemhroids?
A: Because God made man the perfect hole.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did God invent women?
A: Because sheep can't cook.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why are the Rams changing their name to the TAMPONS?
A: They're only good for 1 period and they have no second string.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Did you know that men come in three sizes?
A: Small, Large, & OH MY GOD!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do they separate the men from the boys in Greece?
A: Use a crowbar!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why can't "Miss Piggy" count up to one hundred?
A: Because when she gets to sixty-nine, she gets a FROG in her throat.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Do you know why they haven't found a cure for AIDS yet?
Humor Digest - April 90
Sexual One-Liners
A: They can't find two white mice that will butt fuck each other.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What 2 things in the air can get a woman pregnant?
A: Her legs!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Where does virgin wool come from?
A: Ugly sheep.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do a priest and a christmas tree have in common?
A: The balls are just for decoration.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a lesbian in an igloo?
A: A Klondike.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do fat girls and mopeds have in common?
A: Their both fun to ride until a friend sees you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What does the bottom of a Coke bottle say on the planet Lesbos?
A: 'Use Other End
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Humor Digest - April 90
Ethnic One-Liners
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do blacks keep chickens?
A: To teach their kids how to walk.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you get when you cross a black with a Sioux indian?
A: A boy named Sue.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why don't blacks like blow jobs?
A: They don't like any jobs.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a black lady with braces?
A: A Black and Decker pecker wrecker.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the most confusing day in Harlem?
A: Fathers day.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Did you hear that the KKK bought the movie rights to Roots?
A: They're going to play it backwards so it has a happy ending.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do black people smell?
A: So blind people can hate them too.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's black and crispy and comes on a stick?
A: Joan of Arc.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How does God make Puerto Ricans?
A: By sandblasting blacks.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the definition of black foreplay?
A: Yelling: "Don't scream or I'll kill you."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you get when you cross a black with a groundhog?
A: Six more weeks of basketball season.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do blacks wear white gloves?
A: So they won't bite their fingers when they're eating tootsie rolls.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do Jews have big noses?
A: Because the air is free!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between a Jew and a canoe?
Humor Digest - April 90
Ethnic One-Liners
A: A canoe tips!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How was copper wire invented?
A: Two Jews were fighting over a penny.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: If Tarzan and Jane were Jewish, what would cheetah be?
A: A fur coat.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What is a Jewish American Princess' idea of natural childbirth?
A: Absolutely no makeup.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why don't pygmies wear tampons?
A: They keep stepping on the string.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you get when you cross a Jewish American Princess with a
computer?
A: A computer that never goes down on you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why are Jewish men circumcized?
A: Jewish women won't buy anything that isn't 20% off.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a Phillipino contortionist?
A: A Manilla folder.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Did you hear about the Polish lesbian?
A: She loved men.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Did you hear about the Pollack who heard that all accidents happen
within a 1-mile radius of your house?
A: He moved!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Did you hear about the Pollack who locked his keys in his car?
A: It took him an hour to get his family out!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you babysit a black baby?
A: Lick its lips and stick it to the wall.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: You throw an Iranian, a Libyian, and a Palestinian off the roof of the
Empire State Building. Who hits the ground first??
A: WHO CARES!!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Humor Digest - April 90
Ethnic One-Liners
Q: What do you get when you cross a Mexican and a pig?
A: Nothing. There are some things even a pig won't do.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What are two japs in a car called?
A: The gooks of hazard.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference bewteen a Jew and a pizza?
A: Pizza's don't scream when you put them in the oven!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's so great about the new German microwave oven?
A: It seats twenty-five.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Did you hear about the new Chinese-German restaurant?
A: The food is great, but an hour after you eat, you're hungry for power.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the definition of an Italian virgin?
A: A girl who can outrun her brother.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Whats the difference between a fairy tale, and a war story?
A: A fairy tale starts out with "Once upon a time...", while a war story
starts out with "No shit, this really happened..."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Do you know what you get when a Dozen Blacks parachute out of an
airplane and their shutes fail to open?
A: A Parking Lot.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why don't they have the Olympics in Mexico?
A: Because anyone who can run, jump, or swim is already over here.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What is the difference between Jello and a Jewish American Princess?
A: The jello moves when you eat it!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between white fairy tales, and black fairy tales?
A: White fairy tales start out "Once upon a time..." And black fairy
tales start out "Yo' motherfuckers ain't gonna believe this shit..."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's a Jewish dilemma?
A: Free ham.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Humor Digest - April 90
Clean One-Liners
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you tell if you have bad acne?
A: The blind try to read your face.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
A: He was dead.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What king of tires does a Delorean have?
A: Snow tires.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Humor Digest - April 90
Gross One-Liners
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do farts smell?
A: So the deaf can enjoy them too.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do gorillas have big nostrils.
A: They have big fingers.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why does Helen Keller have yellow legs?
A: Her dog is blind too.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did a guy call his dog HERPES?
A: Because he wouldn't heel.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To show the possum it could be done!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's grosser the gross?
A: When you're eating rump roast for dinner and it farts!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What is John Lennon doing these days?
A: Decomposing.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What will it take to get the Beatles back together?
A: Three more bullets.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Humor Digest - April 90
UnCategorized Sexual Stuff
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Our friend "RobbieRubber" provides us with the following advice:
1. Cover your stump before you hump.
2. Before you attack her, wrap your wacker.
3. Don't be silly, protect your willie.
4. Before you blast her, gaurd your bushmaster.
5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner.
6. When in doubt, shroud your sprout.
7. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong.
8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey.
9. Before you bag her, sheath your dagger.
10. It'll be sweeter if you wrap your peter.
11. She won't get sick if you cap your dick.
12. If you go into heat, package that meat.
13. Never deck her with an unwrapped pecker.
14. Especially in December, gift-wrap your member.
15. There's still cunnilingus with a shielded dingus, but she'll pass
on fellatio if you've wrapped up Horatio.
16 Don't be a fool, Vulcanize your tool.
17. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil.
18. A crank with armor will never harm her.
19. The right selection? Sack that erection!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Penis Length Survey
Men are notorious liars about their penis length, so I have devised
the following foolproof test.
1. Disrobe and stand by your keyboard. Rest your left testicle in the
rounded hollow on top of the "1" key. Rest your right testicle in the key
immediately below that (the Q key on a standard keyboard, probably
something different on the Dvorak keyboard. You lumberjacks may have to
use the A or even the Z key.)
2. Grasp your *thing* in your right hand and slap it firmly across the
number key row on your keyboard. (For instance, my result is
"1234567890-" the backspace key removes the =.)
3. Place a copy of the June, 1981 Playboy open to the centerfold at a
distance of 2.5 feet. Rest your *thing* on the keyboard and stare
intently at the girl pictured for five minutes or until your feet leave
the ground. Repeat the above test.
CAUTIONS:
1. Do not attempt this test after swimming. You will skew the results.
2. Black men may wish to use a special extended keyboard; or place two
keyboards end to end.
3. If you try this test on a public keyboard, you may want to swab it
down with alchohol first.
Humor Digest - April 90
UnCategorized Sexual Stuff
4. On some keyboards, severe sparking may result. Be sure to keep a
fire extinguisher handy, an DON'T BE AFRAID TO USE IT.
5. Remember, Larry Bud Melman is not an attorney.
Incidentally, this test can also be used to diagnose some genital
disorders:
If Your Test Looks
Like This: Then:
1 You suffer from Short Penis Syndrome
12367 You have a strange gap in your penis
12efgbn Your penis has a right hand bend;
sometimes called Jerker's Lean.
12wgui,l=]\ Seek immediate medical care.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Humor Digest - April 90
UnCategorized Gross Stuff
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The SHIT List
GHOST Shit - This is the kind where you feel the shit come out, have
shit on the toilet paper, but there is no shit in the toilet.
CLEAN Shit - The kind where you shit it out, see it in the toilet,
but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
WET Shit - The kind where you wipe your ass 50 times and it still
feels unwiped. So you have to put some toilet paper between your ass and
your underwear so you don't ruin them with skid marks.
2ND WAVE Shit - It happens when you're done shitting. You've pulled
your pants up to your knees, and you realize you have to shit some more.
BRAIN-HEMMORHAGE-THROUGH-YOUR-NOSE Shit - The kind where you strain
so much to get it out that you practically have a stroke.
RICHARD SIMMONS Shit - You shit so much that you lose 30 pounds.
CORN Shit - No explanation needed.
LINCOLN LOG Shit - Shit that is so huge that you're afraid to flush
the toilet without breaking the shit into a few pieces with your toilet
brush.
UNSINKABLE Shit - The kind that when you flush the toilet spins and
spins, and then hangs around for the next flush.
DRINKERS Shit - The kind of shit that you have after a long night of
drinking. It's most notable trait is the tread marks left on the bottom
of the toilet.
"GEE I WISH I COULD Shit" Shit - Where you want to shit but all you
do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting a few times.
SPINAL TAP Shit - This is the kind where it hurts so much coming out
that you swear it's coming out sideways.
POWER DUMP - The kind that comes out of your ass so fast that your
ass cheeks get splashed with toilet water.
LIQUID Shit - The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of
your ass, splatters all over the inside of the toilet bowl, while the
whole time burning your anus.
MEXICAN FOOD Shit - A class all it's own!
TECHNICOLOR Shit - The kind you get after you've been sick for
awhile. If you hadn't gone to the doctor yet, this kind makes you
consider it.
HEARTATTACK-"I'VE-GOT-BLOOD-IN-MY-SHIT" Shit - usually it's just all
those peppers in the MEXICAN-FOOD you had yesterday.
FLAKEY Shit - The kind that drops out into the bowl and looks solid,
but upon flushing, it disintigrates!
PEEPING Shit - This type can be felt popping in and out of your butt
until you get on the pot, then it stays in!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Humor Digest - April 90
UnCategorized Ethnic Stuff
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Toys 'R Us company is building a store in the middle of a local
housing project, to bring low priced toys to the poor blacks.
They've also decided to rename the company for its new location.
It'll be called 'We be toys and shit.'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Application for Employment
Jesse Jackson's Campaign Staff
Name:
Address: (If living in auto, give make model & license)
YO' Mamma's Name:
YO' Dadies Name: (If known)
YO' Auto: Caddilac Lincoln
Financed Stolen
If Finnanced, Date of Reposession:
YO' Marital Status: Common Law: Shacked up:
YO' Source of Income: Theft: Relief: Welfare:
Unemployment: All of the above:
Length of last jail term: Why you are out: Escape
Probation: Other:
How fast you can steal a car:
Hou fast you can strip a car:
YO' place of birth: Free Clinic: Alley: Zoo:
YO' favorite place ta' chow down at:
Church's Fried Chicken: Unknown:
London & Cone Wing House: Colonel Sanders:
How many words can you Jive a minute:
Machines you can operate: Pinball: Crowbar:
Switchblade: Trojen Dispenser
YO' Favorite Foods: Bar-B-Cue: Fried Chicken: Carp:
Watermelon: Chitlins:
YO' Prior Experience: Gov't Worker: Black Panther: Pimp:
Dope Dealer: Evangalist: Postman:
How many kids have by: 1st Wife: 2nd Wife: Sister:
Neighbor's Wife: Other:
In 50 words or less, state YO' greatest desire in life:
(other than having a white woman)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Humor Digest - April 90
UnCategorized Stuff
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
MEDICAL RESEARCHERS TABULATING written cases in which items were
recovered from the rectums of patients reported 700 items from 200
patients. The items included: a live, shaved, declawed gerbil: a bottle
of Mrs. Butterworth's syrup: an Ax handle: a 9-inch zucchini: a 14-inch
vibrator with two D-cell batteries: a plastic spatula, a 9-1/2-inch water
bottle: a Coke Bottle: a 3-1/2inch Japanese Float ball: an 11-inch carrot:
an antenna rod: a 150-Watt light bolb: a screwdriver: four rubber balls:
72 jewelers saws(all from the same patient, 29 at one time): a
paperweight: an apple: an onion: a plastic toothbrush package: a frozen
pig's tail (which got stuck after it thawwd): a 10-inch length of
broomstick: an 18-inch umbrella handle: a banana encased in a condom: two
Vaseline jars: a whisky bottle with a cord attached: a teacup; an oil can;
a 6 by 5-inch tool box (weighing 22 ounces); a 6-inch stone weighing
two-pounds; a baby powder can; a test tube; a ballpoint pen; a peanut
butter jar; a flashlight; a turnip; a pair of eyeglasses; a hard-boiled
egg; several tumblers and glasses; a file; a polyethylene waste trap from
the U-Bend of a sink and a carborundum grindstone handle.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Humor Digest - April 90
Clean Jokes
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Billy Graham, Oral Roberts and Jim Baker were all riding in a car
together and were involved in a terrible traffic accident. All three were
killed and their souls made their way to heaven.
At the pearly gates, Saint Peter met them and apologetically informed
them there was no more room in heaven at the moment, so all three would
have to wait "down below" until there was a vacancy.
Obediently, they all went to hell.
About a week later Saint Peter received a frantic phone call from the
devil.
"Listen," said the devil, "you've got to get these three guys outta
here! They're ruining the place."
"What's wrong?" asked Saint Peter.
"Well," said the devil, "Billy Graham is converting everybody, Oral
Roberts is building a university, and Jim Baker has raised enough money to
air condition this damn place!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two gays were walking across the Golden Gate Bridge when one
exclaimed, "Look, a ferry boat!"
The other said, "I didn't know we had a Navy!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day an American, a Cuban, a Russian, and a Lawyer were riding on
a train.
As they were talking the Russian got out a large bottle of high
quality vodka and poured a small glass for each and then threw the bottle
of vodka out of the window.
The American looked at the Russian in amazement and asked "Why did
you throw that vodka out of the window?"
The Russian replied, "In my country we have so much that we do not
know what to do with it."
About this time the Cuban pulled out a fat Havana cigar, lit it up,
took two puffs and threw it out of the window.
The American was even more surprised and asked the Cuban why he did
that.
The Cuban replied that, "In my country we have so many cigars that we
even burn them for power, and still can't get rid of them all."
The American then grabbed the lawyer...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day Jesus and the Devil went out to play golf. They tossed a
coin to see who would tee off first.
The Devil won. He teed off and hit a beautiful drive straight down
the fairway, where it landed onto the green, and rolled to a stop less
than three feet away from the pin.
Then Jesus teed off and sliced it into the rough (woods).
As Jesus and the Devil were walking towards the rough, a squirrel
came scampering out of one of the trees and, in running across the ground,
came upon the golf ball.
It stopped, sniffed the ball, and stuffed it into its mouth. Then it
took off running (with the ball in its mouth).
As it ran across the fairway, an eagle swooped down, grabbed the
squirrel and started to fly away.
Just as the eagle was over the green, a bolt of lightning struck it.
It squawked and dropped the squirrel.
The squirrel fell to the green and, when it landed, the ball flew out
Humor Digest - May 90
Clean Jokes
of it mouth and rolled into the hole (cup).
The Devil turned to Jesus and said "OK are we gonna play golf or goof
around?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
This guy goes into a barber shop, and says, "I want my hair cut, so
that it's long here, here, here, and here..., sort of wavy in this section
but straight just below, sort of spiked on this diagonal with a slanted
taper, and bald patches here, here, here, and here."
The barber looked at him and said, "I don't think I can do that!"
"Why not?" said the guy. "You did the last time I was here!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day a little ol' man and his wife went to the doctor to have
their annual checkup.
The little ol' man went in first and the doctor asked him, "How have
you been doing?"
The little ol' man replied that the Lord had been looking out for
him.
The Doctor just kind of blew this off and continued the exam for a
while, but couldn't stand it so he asked him how he knew that the Lord had
been looking out for him.
The little ol' man replied that every night when he got up in the
middle of the night to go to the bathroom that the Lord turned the light
on for him when he went in and off when he came out.
The doctor thought this was odd, so when he called the little ol'
man's wife in for her examine he asked her about it, And she said, "Oh
doctor, he's been pissing in the refrigerator again!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day Adam was talking to God, and he asks, "God, I've been
thinking, why did you make Eve so pretty?"
God replies, "Because I wanted you to like her."
Then Adam asks, "But why did you make her so stupid?"
God answers, "Because I wanted her to like you."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy goes to a shrink who proceeds to show him a series of
pictures.
The shrink shows him a square, and asks, "What does this suggest to
you?"
Guy answers, "Sex."
Shrink displays a circle; again the answer is "Sex." Same thing with
a triangle, a pentagon, and a hexagon.
The shrink asks the man, "Why does everything remind you of sex?"
The guy replies, "Don't ask me Doc, you're the one with the dirty
pictures!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Christ is on the cross, and Peter is down the hill comforting Mary
Magdalene when he hears in a faint voice, "Peter...Peter..."
Peter said to Mary, "I must go and help my Savior." And he went up
the hill, only to be beaten and kicked back down by the Roman centurions
guarding the cross.
But soon he hears, "Peter...Peter" in even fainter tones, and he
cannot ignore the call.
Peter limps up the hill leans a ladder against the cross, and is
halfway up when the centurions knock over the ladder, beat him brutally,
and toss him back down the hill.
Humor Digest - May 90
Clean Jokes
Again he hears, "Peter...Peter..." ever fainter, and he cannot sit
idle.
He staggers up the hill, drags himself up the ladder, and finally
gets even with Christ's face. Just as the centurions are reaching for the
ladder, Christ says, "Peter...Peter...I can see your house from here."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A fellow was sitting and drinking at a bar, dressed in
expensive-looking clothes, when a gorgeous, sexily-clad woman sidled up to
him.
She said, "Honey, for $300 I can give you a really good time and for
$500 I'll do ANYTHING."
"Anything?" he asked.
"Well, almost anything." she replies, "Nothing too kinky; you have to
be able to say it in three words."
He arranged for some witnesses to the deal, handed her $500, and
said, "Paint my house!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Just the other day I got a ticket for jaywalking, after crossing
quite a way from a crosswalk.
While the cop was writing I asked him, "Instead of having this go on
my record, couldn't I just go to WALKING SCHOOL?"
To which he replied, "No. In fact if you get three of these in one
year, they'll take away your feet."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A preacher who advertised himself as a great healer set up a tent in
a small rural town.
That evening a man came in on crutches and said to him, "Ain't no
doctor been able to cure my leg. Can you heal me?"
"What's your name brother?" asked the preacher.
"Bob" replied the man.
"Bob, you just go behind that red curtain."
A moment later, another man walked in and said, "S-s-sir, c-c-can you
help m-m-me with m-m-my s-s-stuttering?"
"What's your name brother?" asked the preacher.
"John" replied the man.
"John, you just go behind that red curtain."
After 10 minutes of frenzied preaching and praising, the healer threw
his hands in the air, raised his eyes to the ceiling, and dramatically
shouted, "Bob, drop your crutches! John, say something!"
A few moments passed before a voice behind the curtain said,"B-b-bob
just f-f-fell on h-h-his b-b-butt."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day a little girl came home depressed after playing on her little
league softball team
Her father asked: "What's wrong honey?"
To this the little girl remarked, "Oh, I was balled again!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Dawsons stood outside the bedroom door listening to Johnny say
his prayers: "God bless Daddy, God bless Mommy, God bless sister Becky,
and God bless grandma."
"Wonder why he didn't include grandpa in his prayers?" asked Mrs.
Dawson.
The next day they received a telegram that grandpa had died of a
heart attack.
Humor Digest - May 90
Clean Jokes
That night, the Dawsons listened once again outside the bedroom.
"God bless Daddy, God bless Mommy, and God bless sister Becky."
"He left out Grandma this time," said Dawson.
The next day, Grandma fell down a flight of stairs and died of a
broken neck. That evening, they listened outside the boy's bedroom. "God
bless Mommy and God bless sister Becky."
"He left me out," whispered Dawson.
"Just be extra careful tomorrow," advised his wife.
The next day, Dawson came home somewhat relieved that nothing had
befallen him.
"Anything unusual happen today?" he asked.
"No," said his wife, "but the milkman died."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two animals were passing in the forest and bumped into each other.
"Oh I'm sorry but I am blind." said the first animal.
"Oh, we're both blind then" said the second one. "Tell you what, let
us examine each other and guess who we are..."
"Okay," said the first animal, "I'll start."
"Let's see, you're warm blooded, furry, with whiskers and long ears.
Oh I know, you must be a rabbit!"
"Right!" said the second. "Now let me guess."
"Hmmm, you're cold blooded, have scales, you squirm as you move, and
you have no balls."
"Ah, you must be a banker!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two girls were walking along the road when a toad croaked, "Kiss me
and I will turn into a handsome Texas oilman."
One of the girls stooped over, picked up toad up and stuffed it into
her purse.
"Aren't you going to kiss him?" the other girl asked in amazement.
The girl with the toad replied, "Texas oilmen ain't worth a dime
these days, but a talking toad's worth a fortune."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
In a classroom one day a teacher was playing a game with her
students.
"Ok," she said, "Today we are going to play a game in which I will
describe something and you have to tell me what it is."
"Ok, what is orange, round, and is a fruit?"
They all answer, "Orange, orange!"
"Wrong!" The teacher corrects them, "A nectarine!"
"Next one, what's oblong, yellow, and is good for you?"
"Banana, Banana!" they all yell.
"No, no," says the teacher, " A squash!"
So one of the kids the back of the room named Jimmy stands up and
exclaims, "Teacher, I have one for you. I have something in my pocket
that's long, stiff, and has a pink tip on the end. What is it?"
The teacher angrily says, "Oh Jimmy, that's very rude! Out of the
class right now!"
"But Teacher," cries Jimmy, "all it is is my pencil!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Humor Digest - May 90
Ethnic Jokes
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jessie Jackson died and went to heaven and was met at the pearly
gates by St. Peter.
St Peter: "Name please"
Jesse: (Astonished) "I'm Jessie Jackson!"
St Peter then looks and looks in the great book and replies, "Sorry,
no reservation."
Jessie: "Oh, try one of my titles, Rev. Jackson."
St Peter looks some more, "Sorry, any other titles?"
Jessie: "Yes, just one, President Jackson."
St Peter: (Astonished) "Oh, When did you become president?"
Jessie: "Oh, about five minutes ago..."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Ford pick-up was going over a bridge with two Americans in the cab
and two Pollocks in the back.
The truck skidded and went into the river.
The Americans survived by swimming to the surface.
The Pollocks died... they couldn't get the tailgate open.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Pollock was in a bar and saw a gorgeous woman sitting at the end of
the table so he ordered her a drink.
She said, "I hope you aren't trying to hit on me; I'm a lesbian."
The Pollock said, "No, I just wanted to get to know you or
something."
As they were talking, the woman sees a Big-busted woman in a red
dress on the dance floor and says, "I sure would like to rip off her dress
and screw her brains out!"
The Pollock starts moaning in fear and says,"OH NO! I think I'm a
lesbian too!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A middle aged lady was reaching out her 2nd floor apartment window to
try to get a hanging flower, when she fell and landed smack into a garbage
can.
A passing Chink said, "These Americans so wasteful. Woman still good
for two or three years yet."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
These two pollocks are flying a plane when they see a landing strip.
The pilot says to the co-pilot, "Better give me 50% flaps, its a
pretty short runway. No change that give me 75% flaps. Geeez this is the
shortest runway I've ever seen better me 98% flaps!"
BOUNCE BOUNCE WHINE SKID
The copilot turns to the pilot and says, "Boy, this is the shortest
runway I've ever seen anyone land on! But wow, look how wide it is!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once upon a time there was this guy with a strawberry patch but that
no one would pick.
So one day while he was reading the paper he saw this add for berry
picking robots so he orders 20 of them.
They pick all the berries and do a good job at it.
That night all this guys neighbors called him and told him that his
robots were too shiny during the day and they blinded them.
So that night he painted the robots all flat black, and the next day
only 4 showed up for work.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Humor Digest - May 90
Ethnic Jokes
There are these three guys, a Christian, a Buddhist, and a Pollock,
ready to be put to death by guillotine. They get the Christian all set,
put his head in the guillotine, lock him in, and ask him if he has any
last
words.
He says "Oh Great God Save Me!"
The executioner pulls the rope and down comes the blade! Clunk...
It stops three inches above this guys head! All the people are in a stir
cause they think the God must want him saved, so they let him go.
They stick the Buddhist in next. He's tied down, and asked if he has
any last words.
He says "Oh Great Buddha Save me!"
The executioner pulls the rope and down comes the blade!
Kerrr...Plunk... It stops two inches above his head! All the people are
getting pretty annoyed by know, but since he's still alive, they figure
his God must want him saved, so they let him go.
The next guy up...is the Pollock. They get him all tied down and ask
him if he has any last words.
He says, "It would sure help if you untied the knot in the rope
before you try it again!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A pollock that is terribly afraid of a terrorist putting a bomb on a
long distance flight he has to take, goes to his friend the statistician.
"What are the odds of a somebody bringing a bomb aboard my flight?"
he asks.
After several calculations the statistician responds, "575,000 to 1."
The pollock then asks, "What are the odds of two people bringing
bombs
onto the plane?"
His friend, astonished, calculates for a couple of more seconds and
says, "1,250,500,000,000 to 1."
So the pollock brought a bomb along with him.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two pollocks were out hunting in the woods.
The one says to the other, "I gotta take a dump!" and walks off
behind a bush.
A short time later, he calls out, "What do I use to wipe?"
The other replies, "Use a dollar!"
About a 5 minutes later the first one comes out with shit all over
him. He says, "Well, thanks to your advice, not only do I have shit all
over myself, but I've got four quarters stuck up my ass!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear that Jesse Jackson is having a fund raising dinner?
The donations are $150 per plate unless you want extra crispy in
which case it's $175.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three men were stranded on a rowboat after their boat sank. One was
from New York, one from London and the other from Poland. One day they
came upon a bottle floating in the water.
As they pulled the bottle out of the water they discovered that there
was a note inside. The note granted the finder of the bottle three
wishes.
Since they found the bottle together they decided to take a wish
each.
Humor Digest - May 90
Ethnic Jokes
The New Yorker expressed his desire to see Times Square again and no
sooner at he said the word he was back in New York.
The Londoner yearned for the lights of Piccadilly Circus and POOF he
was back in London.
The Pollock sat there for awhile, wondering what he should wish for.
Suddenly it struck him, and he said, "Those guys were such good company
that I wish they were back here."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ya know, they found the space shuttle capsule yesterday out in the
ocean. But when they opened it, there were only 6 bodies inside.
3 hours later, they found a black on a nearby deserted island with 2
purses and 4 wallets.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Humor Digest - May 90
Gross Jokes
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ray, Butch, and Paul, three fags, are having a good old time in their
hot-tub, drinking beer and talking about "boy troubles."
Butch is just getting into a steamy account of his last evening with
Phil the lifeguard when, without warning "BLUP!" A wad of cum bubbles to
the surface of the water. They look at each other in turn, grimacing.
After a moment of pained looks, Paul finally says "That's gross man. Who
farted?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two fags are walking down the street, and a man walks by.
One fag turns to the other and say "God, he was a good fuck!"
The other fag turns to him and say "NO SHIT?"
The first fag replies, "Well, hardly any!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man took his friend for a ride in his new plane, shortly after take
off to show his friend what the plane would do.
He opened up the throttle and went straight up then he went straight
down, telling his friend that he would now do the loop dee loop.
His friend yelled, "NO! First you went straight up and I shit my
pants, then you went straight down and I pissed my pants, now you want to
roll me in it!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There are these three farmers and they wanted to enter a pig in the
fair, so they went out and bought a pig. They fed it, and fed it, and fed
it, but it just wouldn't get fat.
So one of the farmers came up with the bright idea of putting a cork
in the pigs butt so that it couldn't shit out anything.
Well, that pig ate, and ate, and ate until it became the most
humongous pig you ever saw.
They took the pig to the fair and won the blue ribbon in the gigantic
pig category.
After they got the pig home, the farmers couldn't decide who was
going to take the cork out of the pigs butt. They argued for quite
awhile, until the farmer who came up with the plug idea in the first place
said, "Say, why don't we buy a monkey and train it to pull out plugs." The
other farmers liked the idea, so they bought a monkey and began training
it.
Before long they had that monkey pulling corks out of everything,
champaign bottles, pickle vats, and even beer kegs, and they decided it
was time to try the monkey out on the pig so they took the monkey out and
put it in the pig pen.
At first the monkey was scared of the pig, but as soon as it saw the
cork it ran right over and pulled it out.
We are next at the hospital were the three farmers are all covered in
bandages from head to foot. A doctor walks in and asks the farmers what
is the last thing they remember. The first farmer replies, "The last
thing I remember is that there were turds and shit flying everywhere." The
second farmer nods his head, and says that's what he remembers too. Well,
the last farmer turns to the doctor and says, "Yah, I remember the turds
and shit, but what really sticks out in my mind is that poor little monkey
trying to stick the plug back in that pigs butt!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Humor Digest - May 90
Other Jokes
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The perfect woman is three feet tall, has lips like a carp, can suck
the chrome off of a trailer hitch, has a flat head so you can set your
beer down, and turns into a pizza at midnight!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was a Yankee and a Texan in a restroom at a truck stop. The
Yankee finished pissing first and zipped up and walked out. Minutes later
the Texan caught up with the Yankee and spoke loud enough for others to
hear: "Hey, Yank! Our mother's teach us Texans to wash our hands after
taking a piss!"
The Yankee looked the Texan up and down and grinned, replying, "Our
mother's taught us not to piss all over our hands."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Humor Digest - May 90
Sexual Jokes
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A major walks into a drug store, carefully pulls out a piece of
folded paper, and unfolds it to reveal a busted condom. He asks
the pharmacist, "How much for a new one?"
The pharmacist replies, "50 cents."
The major then asks, "How much to get it repaired?"
The pharmacist replies, "30 cents."
With this the major walks out of the store.
The next day, the major walks into the same drug store goes up to the
pharmacist and says, "The regiment has decided to get this one fixed."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three pregnant teenagers were sitting in the OB's office one
afternoon discussing their impending arrivals. They came to the
conclusion that the position they used during their intercourse would
determine the sex of their children.
"Well," said the first, "he was on top, so I guess mine's a boy."
"I was on top," said the second, "mine's definitely a girl."
The third cried and cried and cried. When her two friends finally
calmed her down enough to speak she cried: "I'm going to have a puppy!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young stud picks up a hooker and takes her to his apartment. She
runs into the bedroom and says she'll get ready for him. He says he'll
get ready in the front room.
A few minutes pass and the hooker is lying in bed waiting for him.
When he strolls in, he is stark-naked except for a condom on his cock, a
clothes-peg on his nose and cotton in his ear.
She asks him about his get-up and he replies: "There's two things I
hate in this world. The sound of a woman screaming and the smell of
burning rubber!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man and a woman had just finished sex when the woman says to the
man, "I didn't know your organ was that small!"
"Well," the man replied, "I didn't know I would be playing in a
Cathedral, either!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The two men, who had just tied in the contest for the Longest Dick In
The World, were walking along the Golden Gate bridge and they had to piss,
so they just hung their dicks over the side.
The first man said, "Boy, that water sure is COLD."
The second man said, "Yeah, and DEEP too!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could
buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday.
Johnny's father said, "Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the
house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Christmas."
Christmas came around, and Johnny asked again.
The father said, "Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry
about that. Ask me again some other time."
Well, about 2 days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house
with all his belonging in a suitcase.
The father felt sorry for him, and asked him why he was leaving.
The boy said, "Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard
you say that you were pulling out, and mommy said that you should wait
because she was coming too, and DAMN if I'll get stuck with a $80,000
Humor Digest - May 90
Sexual Jokes
mortgage!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day a man and his son were walking through the park, and the boy
spotted two dogs fucking.
The boy asked his father what he was doing, and the father responded,
"They're making puppies."
That night, the little boy walked into his parent's room, and saw his
parents going at it.
The boy said, "Daddy, what are you doing?"
The father responded, "Making you a little baby brother."
The boy shouted out, "Turn mom over, I would rather have a puppy!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A little boy was having trouble sleeping, so he asked his mommy and
daddy if he could sleep in their bed. The parents agreed as long as he
wouldn't look under the sheets.
Well, the boy did, and he saw his fathers penis.
He asked what it was, and his father said it was his 'ferrari.'
Then he looked at his mother, and saw her twat, and he asked her what
it was, and she said it was a 'garage.'
The father said, "Move over Johnny, I'm going to pull my ferrari into
mommy's garage."
Johnny replied, "Sorry dad, my pinto is already in there!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was a woman who had a problem. Her husband would only make
love to her in the dark.
Troubled by her husband's phobia she flicked the light on during one
of their passionate love making sessions
She was horrified to find a dildo in her husbands hand!
She screamed and said, "You impotent S.O.B.!"
Her husband tried to comfort her but she kept screaming, "Is this
what you've been using for the last 3 years?"
The husband replied, "Yes. Now YOU explain our 3 kids?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
This man goes into a tatoo parlor and ask's the owner to tatoo a
hundred dollar bill on his dick.
The owner looks puzzled, scratches his head, and says to the man,
"I've tattooed a lot of things on a lot of places, but I have never done
anything like this before."
The man replies, "Yeah, well, you don't know how well my wife can
blow a hundred bucks!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There once was a rooster and a cat. They both sat on a bank of a
rushing river. On the other bank there was rooster feed and cat food.
Well after a couple of hours these two animals started to get very
hungry. So the cat jumped in and attempted to swim across.
No such luck. The cat only managed to get VERY wet.
The rooster says, "HA!" and just flies over!
What can we learn from this story?
Where ever there is a wet pussy there is a full-filled cock!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
This married woman was trying to learn how to golf, and the pro was
going nuts because she couldn't get the hang of holding onto the club
correctly.
As a last resort he told her, "Look, Mrs. Johnson, I want you to try
Humor Digest - May 90
Sexual Jokes
one more thing, If it doesn't work, you'll have to face up to the fact
that you will NEVER be a golfer! Now please don't be offended, but I want
you to take hold of the club in the same manner you take hold of your
husband's penis."
The lady does so, smacks the ball, and it travels in a straight line
down the fairway 250 yards. The pro is amazed!
He turns to her and he says, "Very good! Now take the club out of
your mouth."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I'm so tired," complained the pretty young actress to her friend,
"last night I didn't get to sleep until after three."
"No wonder you're tired," her friend replied. "Twice is usually all
I need."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three guys are talking about their dogs, and how good their dogs are
at hunting.
Well, the third guy doesn't have a dog, so he decides to go out and
buy the best hunting dog he can find. He goes to a breeder, and tells the
guy he wants the best hunting dog that money can buy.
The breeder replies, "Well, you'll want Old Blue over there."
The man replies, "That dog is too old, he'll never hunt!"
With that the Breeder replies, "Ok, just watch." He yells at Old
Blue, "Go find some birds." With that, the dog gets up, and runs to some
bushes about 20 yards off, and runs around the bushes.
The man replies, "That dog is no good, he just runs around the
bushes!"
The Breeder responds, "Well watch this," and he picks up a stick,
throws it into the bushes, and two birds fly out.
The man replies, " That's great! I'll take him."
A few weeks later, he and his buddies are out hunting again, and
they're bragging about their dogs
After awhile, the guy decides it's time to show off his dog. He
yells at the dog' "Old Blue, find some birds."
With that, the dog takes off and starts running around some bushes.
The guy stands there and waits for the birds to come out.
After awhile, Old blue picks up a stick, and runs back to the man.
After the man ignores Old Blue, Old blue starts humping his leg.
The guy gets really pissed, as the other two guys are laughing at his
so called hunting dog.
The guy gets so mad, that he ends up shooting Old Blue, and throwing
his body into the trunk of his car.
He drives all the way back to the breeder and drags the dog out of
the trunk.
The breeder asks, "What happened?"
The guy replies, "This stupid dog kept running around the bushes,
then he grabbed a stick, and started humping my leg!"
The breeder replies, "You stupid son of a bitch, Old Blue was trying
to tell you he found more birds than you could shake a fuck'n stick at!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man called his wife from the hospital to tell her he'd cut his
finger off on the assembly line.
"Oh, honey," she cried, "the whole finger?"
"No," he said, "the one next to it."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Humor Digest - May 90
Sexual Jokes
Tom, Dick and Harry were standing at the Pearly Gates awaiting
entrance. St Peter said they each had to answer a question to determine
their mode of transportation.
St Peter asks, "Were you ever unfaithful to your wife?"
Tom replied, "Well, St Peter, I didn't have a very good marriage and
even though there were plenty of opportunities, I only cheated on my wife
five times." St Peter gave him a bicycle.
Dick then confessed "I looked at a lot of women, perhaps lustfully,
but I only cheated on my wife once." St Peter gave him a VW bug.
Harry, with great feeling and emotion then said, "St Peter, I adored
my wife. I never looked at another woman. Not once did I cheat on my
wife." St Peter gave him a Rolls Royce.
A few weeks later, Tom and Dick saw Harry sitting on the curb next to
his Rolls crying his heart out.
"What's the problem?" they asked. "Here you are in heaven with a
Rolls Royce. What could you possibly be that unhappy about?"
To that Harry replied "I just saw my wife go by on a SKATEBOARD!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two retired banking colleagues, Harry and John, were enjoying a few
martinis over lunch when John one suddenly mused, "You know, when I was
thirty, my erection was so hard that I could grip it with both hands and
not be able to bend it." Harry nodded in understanding.
John continued: "When I was forty, I could bend it ten degrees with
the greatest of effort. At fifty, I could bend it maybe twenty degrees.
And now that I'm past sixty, I can bend it in half with one hand."
John paused to take a sip of his drink, and then said, "Harry, I
wonder just how much stronger I'm going to get."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Olga, the Danish chambermaid at the Catskill mountain hotel, was
constantly being chased by Hirshberg, one of the guests. Every time he
got near her, she ran away from him.
One day he grabbed the pretty Dane and whispered his sexual request
in her ear. To his amazement, she agreed to meet him in his room that
night.
"If you're willing," said the man, "why did you keep running away
from me?"
"Well," said the Danish girl, "all time I tink you vant extra
towel!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two pro-football players go into a bar for a drink. They're so wide
at the shoulders that they have to sit with an empty stool between them.
Mr. Gayblade comes in, sees the two hunks, and squeezes into the
stool between them. "Get lost!" one of the pros tells him.
To which Mr. Gayblade replies, "I can sit anywhere I want." They
shake their heads in disgust.
"Say, do you fellows want to play barroom football?" he asks.
"How do you play that?" they answer.
Mr. Gayblade orders a pitcher of beer. When it arrives, he drinks
down the whole thing, slams the empty pitcher on the bar, then claims,
"Touchdown. Six points." Then he hops off the bar, drops his pants, bends
over and lets out a loud fart. "Field goal. Seven points, I'm ahead."
One of the ball players orders a pitcher, swigs it down in two gulps,
slams it on the bar, stands and drops his drawers.
Mr. Gayblade jumps behind him and whips out his cock, shouting,
Humor Digest - May 90
Sexual Jokes
"Block that point! Block that point!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was a traveling salesman who was very, very tired. So he pulls
up to this big house out in the country and knocks on the door.
A man opens the door and says,"Hello?"
The traveling salesman says he is tired and needs a place to stay.
So the man at the door says,"Alright, but your gonna' have to sleep
with my son."
And the traveling salesman replies, "Oops, sorry, wrong house!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Times were getting tough for the manager of his company and he was
forced to lay off one of his two most trusted employees. It was difficult
for him mainly because Jack is such a whiz at the books, and Jane is such
a dedicated and reliable worker. Both had about the same tenure so he
couldn't fire on that reason. He decided to fire the one who arrived in
the office first the next day.
The next day Jane walked through the door, and the manager told her,
"I'm sorry Jane, and I don't know quite how to say this, but I can't
decide if I want to lay you or Jack off.
She replied "Aw, go jack off, I'm tired."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The doctor told the young man who was about to be married, "I've
examined your bride and I have good news and bad.
First the good news, she still has her cherry.
And now the bad news, it's as big as a grapefruit."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day, Cinderella's family received a letter, inviting all
eligible bachelorettes to a ball for the prince. Both of Cinderella's
step-sisters were allowed to go, but Cinderella had too much work to do.
After Cinderella's step-sisters had left for the ball, a fairy god
mother appeared and did all of Cindy's house work.
"You may now go to the ball" the fairy god mother said.
"But I've got nothing to wear" exclaimed Cindy, "No man in his right
mind would want to dance with me!"
The fairy god mother waved her wand and a golden diaphragm appeared.
"Wear this." the fairy god mother said, "This will make every man at
the ball want to screw you. But you have to be back by midnight, or it
will turn into a pumpkin!"
Cindy went to the ball and the fairy god mother waited for Cindy to
return. When Cindy finally did return, it was 2 in the morning.
"What happened, didn't it turn into a pumpkin?" asked the fairy god
mother.
"It sure did, it happened while I was talking to a man named Peter
Peter!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
This lady goes to a Plastic Surgeon for a facelift. He tells her
about this great new procedure that only costs $5000 and comes with a
screw implanted in the back of the head so that when the facelift starts
to sag, all she has to do is tighten it. She takes it.
Five years later she comes back and says, "Doctor, the facelift has
been great, but why can't I get rid of these bags under my eyes?"
The doctor says, "Lady, those are your tits, and if you keep
tightening that screw, your gonna have a moustache!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Humor Digest - May 90
Dirty Limericks
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
In days long gone
When men were strong
And things weren't yet vehicular
They'd line girls up
Against the wall
And screw them perpendicular!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A rare old bird is the Pelican
For his mouth can hold more than his belly-can
He'll fill up his beak
With enough food for a week
And I'll be damned if I know how-the-hell-he-can!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There once was a Pirate named Bates
Who did the Fandango on skates
He fell on his Cutlass
Which rendered him nutless
And totally useless on dates.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There once was a woman from Norway
Who hung by her heels from the doorway
Who told her man Fred
Get up off the bed
I think I just found one more way!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There once was a man from Orleans
Who invented a fucking machine
Concave or convex
It would fuck either sex
But, oh, what a bastard to clean!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There once was a woman from Reno
Who lost all her money at Keno
She laid on her back
and opened her crack
And now she owns the Casino!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There once was a drunk named McDuff
Who went out to get some strange stuff
He woke up at noon
With a fucked-out baboon
Who kissed him and asked, "Strange enough?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A dairyman's son they called Brock
Hooked a milking machine to his cock
It sucked out his bladder
And what's even sadder
His eyeballs wound up in his jock.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A central vac owner named Streeter
Inserted the head of his peter
They found both his balls
In the living room walls
Humor Digest - May 90
Dirty Limericks
And his dick in a pipe by the heater.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A newlywed couple named Mattick
Heard trampolines are quite ecstatic
They yelled, "What a feeling!"
Then crashed through the ceiling
Where he polished her off in the attic.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There once was an old lady from Heath,
Who sat on her husbands' false teeth
OH LORD! Bless his heart
She said with a start
He has bitten the part that he eateth!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There once was a girl from Decator
Who wanted to screw an alligator
But no one knew
The end of the screw
Because after he fucked her he ate her.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There once was a man from Boston
Who drove around in a green Austin
He had room for his ass
And a gallon of gas
But his balls hung out and he lost them.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
When I was young and had no sense
I pissed upon an electric fence
It shocked my dick
It shocked my balls
And made me shit my cover-alls!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There once was a man from Peru
Who took a ride in a canoe
While dreaming of Venus
He played with his penis
And woke with a hand full of goo!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was an old man who said "Tush!"
My balls always hang in the brush
And I fumble about
Half in and half out
With a pecker as limber as mush."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
In days of old when Knights were bold
And toilets weren't invented
They'd leave their load
Beside the road
And walk away contented
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was a young couple named Kelly
Who were forced to walk belly to belly
Because in their haste
They used library paste
Humor Digest - May 90
Dirty Limericks
Instead of petroleum jelly.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
She frowned and called him Mister
Because in sport he kissed her
And so in spite
That very night
This Mister kissed her sister.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
To his bride said the lynx-eyed detective
"Can it be that my eyesight's defective?
Has your east tit the least bit
The best of the west tit?
Or is it just a trick of perspective?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There once was a man from Nantuckett
Who got his foot stuck in a bucket
Though he tried and tried
He could not come unpried
So finally, he up and said "FUCK IT."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was a young woman of Glascow
Whose party proved quite a fiasco
At nine-thirty, about
The lights all went out
Through a lapse on the part of the Gas Co.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A barber who lived in Batavia
Was known for his fearless behavia
An enormous baboon
Broke in his saloon
But he murmured, "I'm damned if I'll shavia."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There once was a guy named Dave
And to all the girls he did wave
While pleading for pleasure
His dick did they measure
and the finger was all that they gave.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There once was a hermit named Abe
Who kept a dead whore in his cave
You must admit
It smelled like shit
But look at the money he saved!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A bobby from Southworth Junction
His organ had long ceased to function
He deceived his dear wife
For the rest of her life
with the aid of his constable's truncheon.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There once was a woman from Wheeling
Who had a peculiar feeling
So she laid on her back
And tickled her crack
Humor Digest - May 90
Dirty Limericks
And pissed all over the ceiling
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was a young woman named Alice
Who tried dynamite as a phallus
They found her vagina
In North Carolina
And parts of her asshole in Dallas
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There once was a man from Nantucket
Who had a dick so long he could suck it
He said with a grin
While wiping his chin
If my ear was a pussy I'd fuck it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There once was a man named McNair
Who laid his wife on the stair
The bannister broke
So he doubled his stroke
And finished her off in mid-air.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There once was a lady from Cape Cod
Who thought babies were brought by God
But it wasn't the almighty
That lifted her nighty
It was Rodger the Codger by god.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Humor Digest - May 90
Clean One-Liners
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many real-men does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, real-men aren't afraid of the dark.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a china woman with one leg?
A: Irene.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What was Karen Carpenter's favorite low-calorie dessert?
A: A tray of ice cubes.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between a fox and a pig?
A: About 8 or 9 drinks.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What has orange hair, big feet, and comes out of a test tube?
A: Bozo the Clone.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why can't bikes stand up by themselves?
A: Because they're too tired.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you get if you cross a chicken and a pit bull?
A: Just the pit bull.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do white supremacists tie their shoes?
A: In little Nazis.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between a rooster and a lawyer run over lying
dead in the middle of the road?
A: The tire skid marks before the rooster.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why are Delorean autos being banned in the United States?
A: They keep trying to suck the white line up off the roads!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant, a hippo, and a rhino?
A: The Heliphino (the hell if I know).
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Humor Digest - May 90
Ethnic One-Liners
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep a Pollock busy for hours?
A: Give him a card with "Please Turn Over" written on both sides.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many Pollocks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They can't fit in a light bulb!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a fat Chinaman?
A: A Chunk.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why don't Mexicans have barbecues?
A: Because the beans always fall through the grill.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did the pollock proctologist use two fingers ?
A: In case the patient wanted a second opinion.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Do you know what a Honkey Tonk is?
A: The sound an aluminum baseball bat makes hitting a white boy's
head!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Where does a polish car pool meet?
A: At work!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How did Helen Keller break her arm?
A: She was driving and tried to read a stop sign.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do Helen Kellers parents punish her?
A1: They re-arrange the furniture
A2: Put doorknobs on the walls
A3: Stick a plunger in then toilet
A4: Step on her braille books with steel-spiked cleats.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many Pollocks does it take to eat an armadillo?
A: Three, one to eat it and two to watch for cars.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you have when a Czech woman gets an abortion?
A: A cancelled czech!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did God make niggers?
A: After making a honky, She realized that the prick was too small and
that she had forgotten to give him any balls.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Humor Digest - May 90
Ethnic One-Liners
Q: Do you know why God invented the orgasm?
A: So niggers would know when to stop fucking.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why don't niggers and mexicans intermarry?
A: Because their kids would be too lazy to steal!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why was the pollock so excited?
A: He found out he could use Right Guard under his left arm!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did the pollock get fired from his elevator operator job?
A: He forgot the route!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you get a one armed pollock out of a tree?
A: Wave.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What are the Pollocks latest inventions?
A: A helicopter with an ejection seat, and a solar powered flashlight.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why aren't there any black astronauts?
A: They don't want to have to say YES NASA, NO NASA!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did the moron wear rubbers on his ears?
A: He was afraid of hearing-aids.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many Chinese does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two... if you make 'em REAL small!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why is that great musical genius Stevie Wonder always smiling?
A: Because nobody told him he's a nigger.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do niggers always have sex on their minds?
A: Because they have pubic hair on their heads.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a thousand blacks on the bottom of the sea?
A: A good start.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why weren't there more blacks on the Space Shuttle?
A: They didn't know it was going to blow up.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Did you ever hear about the Polish ice-hockey team?
Humor Digest - May 90
Ethnic One-Liners
A: They drowned during spring training.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why don't Pollocks ever make Kool-Aid?
A: They can't figure out how you get 2 quarts of water in that tiny
little packet.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you get a one-armed Pollock out of a tree?
A: Wave to him.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Did you hear about the Pollock who won a gold metal in the Olympics?
A: He took it home and got in bronzed.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Did you hear about the Polish terrorist sent to blow up a car?
A: He burned his mouth on the tailpipe.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What did the black kid get for Christmas?
A: MY bike!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the best way to kill a black man?
A: Aim for the radio.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a car with 4 or more black guys in it?
A: The bloodmobile.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you babysit Blacks?
A: Lick their lips, and stick them to the wall
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep black kids from jumping on the bed?
A: Put velcro on the ceiling.
Q: How do you get them back down?
A: Give a mexican kid a bat and tell him its a pinata.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Humor Digest - May 90
Gross One-Liners
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Do you know what the definition of "gross" is?
A: An old prostitute slowly sinking down a bar-stool.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's black and yellow and full of little Crispy Critters?
A: A burnt school bus.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What is the only part of a vegetable that you cannot eat?
A: The wheelchair!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between an oral thermometer and an anal
thermometer?
A: The taste!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call Oprah Winfree with a yeast infection?
A: A whopper with cheese!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What is black and white, and red all over?
A: Two nuns in a chainsaw fight!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why does a dog lift his leg to piss?
A: To throw his ass outa' gear so he don't shit!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did they take sprite on the space shuttle?
A: They couldn't get seven up!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What was the last thing the shuttle commander said?
A: Give me a light........NO! A BUD LI........!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do women have legs?
A: So they don't leave a sticky trail.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Did you hear that Oprah got busted for Drugs?
A: They found 60 lbs of Crack up her DRESS!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a whore with a runny nose?
A: FULL!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do they call AIDS the miracle disease?
A: It turns fruits into vegetables.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Humor Digest - May 90
Gross One-Liners
Q: What did Spock and the Doctor find in Kirk's toilet?
A: The Captain's log.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the black stuff between an elephants toes?
A: Slow natives!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why is the starship Enterprise like toilet paper?
A: They both circle Uranus and pick off Klingons.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did Captain Kirk try to piss on the ceiling?
A: He wanted to boldly go where no man has gone before...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Humor Digest - May 90
Sexual One-Liners
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Did you hear about the Pollock that thought his wife was trying to
kill him?
A: He found polish remover in the medicine cabinet.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's Webster's new definition of the "perfect woman?"
A: A deaf, dumb, blind nymphomaniac who owns a liquor store.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's Webster's new definition of the "perfect man?"
A: A guy with a 10 inch tongue that can breath through his ears.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between an epileptic corn shucker and a
prostitute with diarrhea?
A: Well, he shucks between fits, and she...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's six feet tall and eats ants?
A: UNCLES
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's worse than a pitbull with AIDS?
A: The guy who gave it to him.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between a Sorority girl and a bowling ball.
A: You can only stick three fingers in a bowling ball.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Who's the most popular guy a nudist camp?
A: The one who can carry two cups of coffee and six donuts.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Who's the most popular girl at a nudist camp?
A: The one who can eat the sixth donut.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you screw a fat girl?
A1: Roll her in flour and go for the wet spot!
A2: Or tell her to piss and follow it upstream!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between a sigma alpha mu co-ed and a toilet
bowl?
A: Toilet bowls don't follow you around after you use them.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Did you hear about the old man who streaked the flower show?
A: He won first prize for the best dried arrangement.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a woman who uses to much contraceptive cream?
Humor Digest - May 90
Sexual One-Liners
A: A Spermicidal maniac.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you make a hormone?
A: Put sand in the Vaseline.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you give an eighty year old woman for her birthday?
A: Mikey. He'll eat anything.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What does an elephant use for a vibrator
A: An epileptic pygmy!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Did you know their is a serial number on a condom?
A: I guess you've never rolled it down that far.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you know when you get really good head?
A: When you have to pry the bed sheets out of your ass.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why was Rock Hudson buried with his ass out of the ground?
A: So his friends could stop by for a cold one!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What is there in common between Hellen Keller giving you a blow-job
and Hellen Keller being in the Mob?
A: One slip of the tongue, and she's in deep shit.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do fags call hemorrhoids?
A: Speed Bumps!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A: A cherry float!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did the fly fall off the toilet?
A: He was pissed off!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the problem with oral sex?
A: The view.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Did you know AIDS is a form of food-poisoning?
A: You get it from eating rotten hotdogs.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What did the polish woman do after sucking cock?
Humor Digest - May 90
Sexual One-Liners
A: Pulled all the feathers out of her mouth!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why was Eve (as in Adam and Eve) considered to be the first
computer programmer?
A: She was holding an apple in one hand and a wang in the other.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster with a telephone pole?
A: A 20 foot cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What is the advantage of being a test tube baby?
A: You get a womb with a view!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did the condom fly across the room?
A: It was pissed-off!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you get when you cross a fag with a patriot?
A: A man with one hand on his heart and another up his butt.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you get if you cross a parrot and a lion?
A: Something that says "Polly want a cracker . . . NOW MOTHER FUCKER!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Humor Digest - May 90
UnCategorized Stuff
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
You know you're fat when...
...you jump in the pool so your friends can go surfing.
...you have to apply your makeup with a paint roller.
...you get a hiccup in your swim suit and it looks like someone
adjusting a venetian blind.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Diplomacy is the art of being able to say "nice doggie" until you
have time to locate a rock.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
We're in a world that if you call the police and then call Domino's,
the pizza get's there first!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
COST STUDY ON A WOOD STOVE
--------------------------
In the rush to develop alternative technologies to relieve our
dependency on non-renewable fuel, the high initial costs of some "solar"
systems are being overlooked. Below is a list of expenditures covering
the first years operation of a wood burning stove.
Stove, pipe, maintenance, etc. $ 458.00
Chain Saw 149.95
Gas and maintenance for chain saw 44.60
4-wheel drive pick-up 8279.00
Replacement of rear window of pick-up (twice) 438.99
Fine for cutting trees in provincial park 500.00
Fifteen cases of beer 126.00
Tow charge from creek 50.00
Littering fine 50.00
Doctors fee for removing splinters from eye 45.00
Emergency room treatment (broken toes from dropped log) 125.00
Safety shoes 49.50
New living room carpet 899.00
Paint walls and ceiling 110.00
Log splitter 150.00
Fifteen-acre woodlot 3000.00
Replacement of coffee table (chopped up and burned
while drunk) 75.00
Divorce settlement 33678.00
---------
Total first years cost 48881.54
savings in conventional fuel first year -172.52
---------
NET cost of wood stove operation first year. 48709.02
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
FINALLY. A COMPUTER THAT MAKES YOU FEEL LIKE A MAN.
If you've seen the popular new personal computers, you know the major
drawback - they are so SMALL. They do not look like computers. Where are
the big dials and whirring, beeping things? Where are the spools of thick
black tape that spin from side to side?
A DISK DRIVE YOU CAN DRIVE.
Humor Digest - May 90
UnCategorized Stuff
Relax. Megadot is proud to introduce the Megadata 10,000,000
Microcomputer, the first portable computer too big to be legally
transported on many American roads. Employing the most cumbersome
macrocircuitry available today, the Megadata 10,000,000 is the only
portable computer built to withstand a direct nuclear strike. A five
hundred gigabyte internal memory vault stores a universe of information,
and also smelts ore. And how's this for convenience: the Dynarobic
fanfold tractor option is also a mini-helipad!
YOUR WIFE WILL HATE YOU.
The Megadata 10,000,000's full vent-to-bore I/O compatibility insures
months of tedious cocktail-party conversation. Naturally, a complete
software library is just one part of the total package, including:
WORDWIZ, SILICALC, INFOSNAP, SEMI-SHACK, EGGFART, DATAHUNK, choice of
HOMOMERGE or FLITBIT, SOFTSTOOL, DABBA-DOO, LOG-A-DOG Kennel Organizer,
MICRO-SNIFF, OKEYDOKEY 1.1, BONER-PRO, TWATPLOTTER, and the CROSSBOSS
II Employee Discipline Package.
The Megadata 10,000,000 is equipped with fully-featured Touch-Tronic
numeric keypad that boasts an individual key for every number from 1 to
1,000. One-stroke convenience eliminates costly calculation errors!
Megadata's patented 11,872-key character board lets you compute in any
alphabet currently known to man. Built-in ink jet printer accepts paper
up to 40 feet across, 11 miles long. Special patented process lets you
print on polished marble, too - without sticking or jamming! FCC-assured
lambent radiation reduces the size of many simple tumors, gradually
eliminates the need for sunglasses. Lead-impregnated testicle cup
included with every purchase.
NO LONGER BE ASHAMED TO BOAST, "I OWN A COMPUTER." THE MEGADATA
10,000,000 MACROCOMPUTER IS THE FIRST COMPUTER THAT DOES NOT WONDER IF YOU
ARE A HOMOSEXUAL.
Can You Afford NOT To Own A Computer That Costs $1.1 Billion?
Shipping Not Included.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Humor Digest - May 90
UnCategorized Sexual
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
AIDS Update Report
If you catch it from a cocktail waitress ................... BARMAIDS
If you get it from a Virgin ................................ FIRST AIDS
If you get it from someone wearing skates .................. ROLL-AIDS
If you get it from somebody at the beach .................. MERMAIDS
The place Jerry Falwell says you go for getting it ......... HAIDES
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
This epitaph is on Rock Hudson's tombstone:
Ashes to ashes,
dust to dust,
if he had stuck with pussy
he'd still be with us.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Humor Digest - May 90
Clean Jokes
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Bell-Ringer I
Quasimodo, the armless hunchback, applied for the job of bell-ringer
at Notre Dame cathedral. The head monk was skeptical, and decided to try
to discourage Quasimodo, for after all, how can a man with no arms pull on
a bell rope to sound the bell every hour? Quasimodo insisted that he
could do the job adequately, and was so persistent that the monk agreed to
accompany Quasimodo to the tower so that he could demonstrate how he would
do the job with no arms.
After a long, arduous climb up many flights of stairs, the two men
made it to the top of the tower. Quasimodo then proceeded to show the
monk how he could ring the bell without pulling on the rope: he backed up
as far as the confines of the bell room would allow, took a running start,
and slammed his _face_ into the bell with all of his might! CLANGGGGGG!
The monk was horrified, and tried to discourage Quasimodo, but he insisted
that he needed the work, and, again after a running start hurled himself
face-first into the huge bell. CLANNNGGGGGG! The monk at last agreed,
reluctantly, to hire the hunchback to ring the bells on a regular basis.
Quaismodo had been on the job for several days, performing his
gruesome task to perfection, when on one particular occasion after a
rainstorm he had the misfortune to slip on the tower's wet floor when
running for the bell, and he fell from the tall tower to his death on the
sidewalk below. A crowd quickly gathered around the unfortunate
hunchback, stunned at what had just happened. One onlooker asked, "Does
anyone know who he was...?", to which another replied, "I don't know his
name, but his face rings a bell..."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Bell-Ringer II
Do you remember Quasimodo, the armless hunchback, who rang the bells
with his face at Notre Dame cathedral until his untimely accident? Well,
it seems that his brother, who also was an armless hunchback, presented
himself to the head monk to ask for Quasimodo's old job, and yes, he, too,
rang the bell with his face. After extracting a promise from him to be
more careful than his brother had been, the monk hired him, and he
performed his duties efficiently as his brother before him had done.
Then came the fateful day when he, too, slipped and fell out of the
tower, meeting essentially the same fate has his brother Quasimodo had.
Once again a crown of horrified onlookers gathered 'round, and again the
question was asked, "Does anyone know who this man was...?", to which the
reply was, "I don't know his name, but he's a dead ringer for his
brother!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day there were three women who were walking along the beach.
They came upon an old brass lamp lying in the sand. Since they were women
and therefore predisposed to cleaning things anyway, they began to stroke
the lamp gently when suddenly a smoke cloud shot forth from the lamp and a
djinn appeared from the cloud.
"Thank you for releasing me from my prison," boomed the djinn. "I
will grant each of you a wish for your good deed."
The first woman spoke up quickly, declaring, "I wish to be ten times
as smart as I am now."
The djinn waved his arms and exclaimed, "Your wish is granted!"
Humor Digest - June 90
Clean Jokes
The next woman thought for a second and said, "Well, I wish to be a
hundred times as smart as the first woman."
Again the djinn waved his arms and pronounced, "So be it!"
Finally the third woman said, "Well, I wish to be a thousand times
smarter than the last woman!"
The djinn grinned hugely, waved his arms, and turned her into a MAN.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There once was this little old man from the hills who wandered into
the settlement one day to get some supplies. He happened upon this
supermarket and proceeded to shop. When he got to the checkout,the clerk
was ringing up his items, when the old man said, "Dammit I almost forgot,
do you have any, uh, toilet paper?"
The clerk said "Of course"
The old man said "What is the cheapest kind ya got?"
The clerk replied, "Well that would be the generic brand."
"What's Generic?!?" said the old man.
The clerk answered,"Oh, you know that is the no-name brand over
there."
So the old man bought some of it and left. A week later he returned
and said to the clerk,"Ya know, I got a name for that there no-name toilet
paper."
"Really?"questioned the clerk.
"Yeah, John Wayne Toilet Paper---It's rough and tough and it don't
take no shit offa nobody!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy goes into a doctor's office and sits down in the waiting room.
After a few minutes, he hears a series of screams and moans from the
examining rooms, followed by a hastily departing nun. Moments later the
doctor appears, with an immensely satisfied grin on his face.
Man: "What on earth happened back there?"
Doc: "I just told Sister Mary she was pregnant."
Man: "Goodness, is she?"
Doc: "Of course not."
Man: "Well then, that was an awful thing to say!"
Doc: "On the contrary, it cured her hiccups."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
When two six foot tall mosquitos alighted in front of a man. He was
so horrified, that he was unable to move.
One of the mosquitos said, "Should we eat him here or take him back
home with us?"
The other one said, "Let's eat him here. If we take him back, the
big mosquitoes will take him away from us."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A traveler stopped to observe the curious behavior of a farmer who
was plowing his field. The single mule hitched to the plow was wearing
blinders, and the farmer was yelling, "Giddyap, Pete! Giddyap, Herb!
Giddyap, Ol' Bill! Giddyap, Jeb!"
After watching the farmer carry on like this for a while, the
traveler asked, "Say, mister, how many names does that mule have?"
"Just one, his name is Pete."
"Then why do you call out Herb & Bill & Pete, & Jeb?"
"It's like this," explained the farmer. "If Ol' Pete knew he was
doing all this work alone, I couldn't make him do it. But if he thinks
he's got three other mules workin' alongside of him, he does the whole job
Humor Digest - June 90
Clean Jokes
all by himself."
"What a marvelous idea!" exclaimed the traveler. And when he got
back to his corporate office in New York, he invented the committee.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two retired Jewish millionaires met in Florida and were explaining to
each other how they made their money.
The first one says, "I built a new factory to manufacture textiles
and insured it for 10 million dollars. Unfortunately, it was only open
one day when it burned to the ground."
The second one says, "My story is similar. I built a factory to
manufacture mufflers. Unfortunately, it was only open two days, when it
was destroyed by a terrible flood.
So the first millionaire says, "How did you start a flood?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two hunters were off on their annual trip to the Canadian wilderness
to bag moose. As the seaplane landed on a lake in a remote area, the
pilot said,"I'll be back in one week to pick you up. But only one moose
please." When he returned to the lake, he found the hunters proudly
standing beside two moose. "I told you guys only to bring back one
moose!" the furious flier screamed. "there's no way the plane can take
off with that much weight!."
"You're just a chicken pilot," one hunter said. "We killed two moose
last year, and that pilot wasn't afraid to take off."
Stung by the suggestion of cowardice, the pilot reconsidered. "All
right, if you did it last year, I guess we can try it." So they loaded up,
and the pilot taxied to the far end of the lake to begin his takeoff. The
plane bounced across the water as it strained to get airborne, but the
overloaded aircraft finally ran out of space, and crashed into the trees.
Some time later, the hunters regained consciousness. "Where are we?"
one asked.
His friend looked around at the scattered debris, then back at the
edge of the lake, and replied,"Oh I guess about 100 yards farther than
last year."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There were three pregnant Indian squaws laying on animal hides about
to give birth.
The first squaw, who was laying on a buffalo hide, gave birth to a 6
lb. 5 oz. baby boy.
The second, who was laying on a deer hide, gave birth to a 5 lb. 5
oz. baby boy.
The third, who was laying on a hippopotamus hide, gave birth to twin
boys totalling 11 lb. 10 oz.
Therefore, we can conclude that the sons of the squaw on the
hippopotamus hide equals the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A workman is painting the ceiling of a convent, waaayyy up on a
ladder, when he drops his paintbrush.
"Son of a bitch!" he yells.
At that very moment, Mother Superior happens to walk into the room
and hear him.
"I will not tolerate obscenity in a House of the Lord! If you must
say something, say Jesus, Mary, and Joseph."
The workman grunts a response, gets his brush and continues his
work. Sure enough, a few minutes later he drops the brush again.
Humor Digest - June 90
Clean Jokes
"Son of a... I mean, Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!"
Mother Superior looks at him approvingly when all of a sudden the
brush levitates off the floor right back into his hand!
Mother Superior says, "Son of a bitch!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Harry Sharp finally developed a way to clone human beings. To test
it, he made a duplicate of himself, and took the duplicate before a board
of peers. However, Harry's system had some bugs.
At the review, Harry, asked his duplicate to recite the method of
cloning for the board, upon which the duplicate recited the most foul
string of obscenities ever heard. Harry was aghast, and struck the
duplicate, causing it to fall out of a window, to it's death from the 5th
floor room they were in.
Harry was arrested and charged with making an obscene clone fall.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
When Thomas Edison invented the lightbulb, he had trouble selling
it. People just didn't trust this "new" way of making light. In order to
promote his idea he decided to go around the country installing lights in
different towns in order to drum up publicity.
While in Oklahoma, Edison stopped by an Indian reservation and
offered to put lights in any building they wanted. After much thought the
Indian chief decided that he wanted lights in his outhouse, so he could
see what he was doing at night.
This made him the first man to wire a head for a reservation!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bob had been out diving off the Florida Keys for days looking for
sunken treasure, but had had no luck. One day, while wading back onto the
beach, he tripped over a chest filled with diamonds, rubies, and
emeralds!
Bob was heard to say as he carried the chest away, "Well it just goes
to show you that booty is only shin deep!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two Ukrainians went hunting when one accidentally shot the other.
The shooter rushed the shot to the hospital and watched while they wheeled
his friend into the O.R.
Ten minutes later the doctor came out peeling off is gloves and
shaking his head. Our friend Worriedly asked, "He not make it Doctor?"
The doctor said his friend was dead.
"Anything I should of done?" asked the shooter.
"Well," replied the doctor, "If that ever happens to you again, for
goodness sake, don't gut him!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
This family just moved into a new town. They had two little hellion
boys that just terrorized the teachers at their previous school. The
nearest school in their new town was a Catholic school.
Well, they weren't Catholic, but they decided to send their two boys
there anyway hoping, perhaps, that the Nuns there would be able to
straighten these boys out. One day, the younger of the two, after
numerous incorrigible acts, so infuriated a nun that she grabbed him by
the scruff of the neck, and hauled him down to the head priest.
The head priest sat him down across from his desk, and told him
"Satan is controlling you. He is why you are bad. Don't you know, that
no matter where you are or what you do, that God is always there, always
watching you? God is everywhere. He's at your home, here at school,
Humor Digest - June 90
Clean Jokes
where ever you are, He is there, whether you are naughty, nice, good or
bad, he is always there watching you!" He spoke for 15 minutes, hoping to
get through to the boy.
After he was done with his speech, he asked the boy "Now, where is
God?"
The boy just shrugged.
Again, the priest asked "Where is God?"
Again, the boy just shrugged.
By now, the priest was getting upset, and pointed at the boy and
asked "WHERE IS GOD!?"
The boy looked around, under his chair, dropped his head down a
little bit and shrugged.
The priest was furious by now, and yelled at the boy "Go home! Get
your mother, and bring her back here with you!"
Well, by this time, school was already out, and all the kids had gone
home, so the boy runs home as fast as he can. When he gets home, his
older brother is outside playing. He runs over to him, grabs a hold of
him and says, "Get in the house, we're in big trouble."
He pulls his brother inside the house, "Come on upstairs, quick!"
Upstairs they went.
He pulls his brother in the bedroom, "Get in here, fast!"
He opens the closet "Get in here, NOW!"
He closes the closet door and says "We're in real big trouble now!"
His brother asks, "What, what is it? What did we do?"
"God is missing, and they're blaming us!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
After a ladies car had leaked motor oil on her cement driveway, she
bought a large back of Cat Litter to soak it up. It worked so well, that
she went back to the convenience store to get another bag to finish the
job.
The clerk remembered her. Looking thoughtfully at her purchase, he
said, "Lady, it that were my cat, I'd put him outside."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The priest had to be out of town for a few weeks, so a replacement
was brought in to hear confessions. During the confessions, several women
from the parish told the priest that they had committed adultery. The
priest told them that the word "Adultery" was a little strong, and that
they should used the word "Slipped" instead.
Well, after a few weeks, the regular priest returned, and, not
knowing the substitute priests usage of the word "Slip", was surprised to
hear that the women thought that slipping was a sin...
The priest decided to have a talk with the groundskeeper, telling him
that he needed to take better care of the sidewalks, as several of the
women were slipping frequently. The groundskeeper (knowing what they had
meant), immediately started laughing.
The priest looked at him and said "I don't know what you're laughing
about, your wife slipped three times last week!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Now Uncle Pete never asked the Lord for anything, But one day he
heard about this Oregon Lottery... He began to think about it, and think
about it... Then a couple of days later, he asked the Lord:
"You know Lord, I never asked you for anything, I've been going to
church every Sunday, Praising you and thanking you for what I have, And I
sure would like to win that lottery!" Well a couple of years went by and
Humor Digest - June 90
Clean Jokes
Uncle Pete still wanted to, and didn't win that Oregon Lottery.
One day while plowing a field he starts thinking about not winning
the lottery, and get frustrated, so he decides to ask the Lord why He
won't help him win the lottery.
He yelled up at the sky,"Lord, I never asked you for ana' thin' but
ta' win that there Oregon Lottery, and You never did help, Well WHY?"
Then the clouds above began to part and in a booming voice he heard
the Lord say: " Pete, I'm gonna need some help on this, You have to buy a
ticket first."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy goes into his doctor's office and he has a frog growing out of
his forehead.
The doctor looks at him and says "How did this happen?"
The frog then says " I don't know, he started out as a wart on my
ass."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy who is in the hospital is listening to his doctor. The doctor
says "Well we have good news and we have bad news."
The guy, being brave, says "OK doc, give me the bad news."
The doctor says "We are going to have to amputate both your feet."
The man says "My GOD! What's the good news?"
The doc replies "The man in the next room wants to buy your bedroom
slippers..."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
At a funeral home, a friend comes over and asks, "How did your
Mother-in-Law Die?"
The man replied, "She fell in a Wishing Well!"
The friend looking surprised says, "I didn't know those things
worked!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three men have been on a deserted island for 12 years: an Englishman,
a Welshman and an Irishman. One day the Englishman is walking down the
beach and spies a bottle. He takes it back to the hut and shows it to his
buddies. In the course of handling the bottle, it gets rubbed and....
(well, you know the rest)... A genie appears and offers them three
wishes. After a little deliberation they decide that each man will take
one wish. The Genie agrees and asks the Englishman what he wants....
"To be back in Blighty, watching cricket and sipping tea!", he
replies. There's a WHOOOOOSH, and the Englishman disappears.
The genie asks the Welshman the same question.
"To be back in Pontypool, playing rugby and singing hymns!" WHOOOSH,
the Welshman disappears!
"What is your wish?", the genie asks the Irishman. "Well, I wish
Cedric and John hadn't rushed off like that, I didn't get to say
"Goodbye!"
WHOOOOOOOOOSH!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man driving up to a ski lodge in Colorado this winter had the
misfortune to get stuck in the snow along the way. Looking forward to his
vacation, he walked the remaining 3 miles through the snowstorm to the
lodge.
When he arrived, he noticed a group of lawyers sitting around the
fireplace, who did not make room for him to warm himself. One of them
noticed how bad he looked and commented "You look like you been to Hell
Humor Digest - June 90
Clean Jokes
and back!". While another said "Maybe you can tell us what it's really
like there!".
The man replied, "It's pretty much the same as here: all the lawyers
are closest to the fire".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
John lives in a subdivision that branches off of the main highway.
He drives a corvette, and thinks the only two speeds are "STOP" and "FULL
SPEED".
One day, when he was late for work, he comes tearing out the road
from his house, tops the little hill before getting to the main road, and
sees a police car blocking the road. He slams on the brakes and comes to
a screeching halt about 6 inches from the police car. The policeman, who
had often seen him driving fast, walked up and said "Mister, I've been
waiting for you all morning..."
John replied "Well gosh, I got here as fast as I could!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young man wished to purchase a present for his sweetheart and after
careful consideration, he decided on a pair of gloves. Accompanied by his
sweetheart's sister, he went to a department store and bought a pair of
white gloves. The sister bought a pair of panties for herself. During
the wrapping, the items got mixed up. The sister got the gloves and the
sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, he sealed the
package and sent it to her with this note.
Dear Darling,
This is a gift to show you I have not forgotten your birthday. I
chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any
when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your younger
sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears
the short ones that are very easy to remove. These are a delicate shade,
but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair she had been wearing for
three weeks that were not too badly soiled. I had the sales girl try them
on and she really looked smart. I wish I could put them on you for the
first time. No doubt other men's hands will come in contact with them
before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, blow in
them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from
wearing. Be sure to keep them on when you clean them or they might
shrink. I hope you will like them and will wear them for me on Friday
night.
All my love,
P.S. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year.
Also, the latest style is to wear them folded down with the fur showing.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Humor Digest - June 90
Ethnic Jokes
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Stash, a pollack, lives on a steep and thickly grassed hill with a
lake at the bottom. Every week, he would go out and mow the lawn. After
countless months of pushing the mower up and down the hill he decided
there had to be a better way, so he tied a rope to the mower, stands at
the top of the hill and lowers the mower down and pulls it back up.
This works fine until the rope breaks and the mower rolls down the
hill into the lake. He immediately runs down the hill and jumps into the
lake after it.
His friend, who has been watching, becomes concerned when, after
several minutes, his friend does not come out of the lake. There is a
tree nearby with an overhang limb, so he climbs out and looked down into
the lake. Sure enough, there is his friend pulling away on the starter
rope, so he hollers down "CHOKE IT STASH, CHOKE IT!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
It seems these two black dudes where walking down the street one day
when they came upon a D-TANNING SALON. It had a sign on the wall that
read, "GRAND OPENING ... D-TANNING SPECIAL ... 99 cents for 15
minutes".
Said the first black to his friend, "Dat sounds good; I'd sure like
to get rid of some of dis black col'r". With that he dug in his pocket
and came up with only 98 cents.The second black then dug in his pocket and
come up with a dollar. "Look'a here, bro, I'll give it a try first and if
it works, then you can go in" and with that, he goes in.
After about 20 minutes, he comes out. He now had a light tan, kinda
like a white boy gets in mid summer. Even his hair was brown with streaks
of blond.
The first black got all excited, saying, "Bro, you sure look good!
Now, give me the money so I can go get me a treatment!"
To which the other guy said, "STICK YOU NIGGER! GET A JOB!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two guys contract to paint a flag pole. Of course they need to know
how tall it is so they can purchase the paint. One shimmies up the pole
with a tape measure and falls after reaching about half way. While trying
to figure out how they can possibly measure the pole along comes a BIG
black guy.
After asking what they're doing he reaches around the pole and pulls
it on of the ground and lays it down. "There you go," he says as he walks
away.
Thee two men look at each other and one said. "Those stupid blacks
will never get anywhere. We don't need to know how wide it is just how
tall"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
This black guy walks into a bar with a beautiful parrot on his
shoulder.
"Wow!" says the bartender. "That is really something. Where did you
get it?"
"Africa." says the parrot.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the Pole who lost $50 on the Football game?
$25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three Guys on a roof. One's Mexican One's black and one's Polish.
The building is burning down and the fire department shows up.
Humor Digest - June 90
Ethnic Jokes
Fireman: "Hey, Mexican, jump and we will catch you in the net."
He jumps and the firemen move the net out of the way and he bounces
off the ground.
Fireman: "Hey black dude jump and we will catch you in the net."
Black Dude: "No way you let the Mexican die."
Fireman: "We just don't like mexicans. We will catch you. Jump!"
The black guy jumps and bounces off the ground dead.
Fireman: "Hey pollack you better jump the fire is spreading."
Pollack: "No way you'll move the net. Set it on the ground and then
I'll jump!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A high school basketball coach after having been accused of racial
discrimination decided to handle it in his own way.
He said, "On this team, there are no White players, and there are no
Black players. All I see, are Green Players! All right, now lets
practice... I want all the Light Green Players over here, and all the
Dark Green Players over there!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
After taking a few lessons on flying a helicopter, the Moron took his
first solo flight. After reaching an altitude of about 300 feet, he and
the helicopter came crashing to the ground.
Afterward, when asked what had happened, he said: "The last thing I
remember, is that it started to get chilly up there, so I turned off the
Overhead Fan!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Humor Digest - June 90
Gross Jokes
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There are two guys riding a camel in the dessert. One guy has wicked
chapped lips and the other guys lips are fine. When they come to a stop
the guy with the chapped lips is puts his hand in the camels ass, pulls
out a handfull of shit, and rubs it on his lips. The other guy thinks
this is kind of strange, but decides to keep quiet about it.
So there after everytime they stop the guy with the chapped lips puts
his hand in the camels ass, pulls out a handfull of shit, and rubs it on
his lips.
Finally the other guy can't stand it any longer and asks, "What's the
deal with the camel shit? Is there some kind of magic in it?"
The other guy turns and says to him, "No it just keeps me from
licking my lips."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman was a customer in a bakery and while she was waiting her turn
she idly glanced through the door to the back room of the bakery and
watched a baker in front of an oven while he was working.
The baker took a small piece of dough from a tray, pressed the dough
against his belly button and then threw the piece of dough on to a tray in
the oven. The man did this continuously for several minutes.
The woman was the curious type and when her turn came to be waited on
she asked the clerk what the man was doing.
The clerk said the man was shaping pieces of dough into cookies.
The woman stated that this was not very sanitary.
The clerk said, "If you think that is unsanitary, you should see him
when he makes the bagels."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
This guy goes in to see the proctologist. The proctologist has him
up on the table and says, "Well, there sure is something unusual here. I
can't really see. I wish I had a light."
The patient grunts and groans and passes a beer can out of his anus.
The doctor says, "No, I meant a butt light".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A huge truck driver is sitting at a bar having a drink when this
little pipsqueak of a guy walks in and asks who own's the pit bulldog
outside.
The truck driver hollers "It's MY dog! What's it to you!"
The little runt says "Nothing, but I think my dog just killed
yours..."
The truck driver jumps up and says "WHAT! What kind of dog do you
have anyway?"
The other guy replies "A toy poodle."
"A poodle!" the truck driver yells. "How in the hell can a poodle
kill a pit bulldog!?!"
"Well," replied the little guy," I think he choked on it..."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A vietnam vet with a limp is out walking one day. Coming toward him
from the opposite direction he see's another man walking and dragging his
foot.
As they meet the vet say's "Nam 1969."
The other man replies, "Dogshit 4th and main!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Humor Digest - June 90
Other Jokes
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A blind guy was standing at a street corner with his seeing eye dog
when the dog hiked his leg and proceeded to take a leak on the blind guys
pants leg. The blind guy then reaches in his pants and gets a doggy
biscuit and hands it down to the dog.
A woman passing by saw this incidence and walked up to the man and
said' "NO! you shouldn't give your dog a reward! He just pissed on your
pants."
The blind guy says, "I'm not trying to reward him, I'm trying to find
his face so I can kick him in the ass!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was this guy who was hunting close to a barn. Suddenly, a wild
duck flies out from it's hiding place... the hunter aims and shoots...
BINGO! A perfect hit, with the exception that the duck ended up INSIDE
the barn. He looks around checking for guard-dogs and since he doesn't
see any, he jumps the fence and goes towards a cabin in the barn to pick
up his prize.
As he bends to pick up his duck, a redneck steps out of the cabin and
yells at him: "Hey! Leave that duck alone! What the hell are you doing
inside my property?"
The hunter explains to him that the duck is his since he shot it
down. They end up having a discussion about who will end up with the
duck.
Then the redneck says to the other guy: "Ok, let's settle this the
local way..."
The hunter asks how does that work, and the redneck replies: "We kick
each other in the groin, as hard as we can, until one of us gives up. The
one who can ends up with the duck, ok?"
The hunter agrees, and asks who will go first.
The redneck claims to be first since they are in the barn.
After grinding his teeth, the hunter says ok. The redneck takes a
swing and kicks the hunter... the hunter is in the floor now, screaming
his head out and rolling in the grass like he's being eaten alive by
fireants.
After ten minutes of REAL intense pain, the hunter, panting, gets on
his feet and says: "My turn now!"
The redneck replies "I give up... you can keep the duck!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Humor Digest - June 90
Sexual Jokes
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear the one about the atheist that went to the whore house?
He went in and paid his money, picked out a girl and went upstairs.
When they got to the room she asked if he wanted the light on or
off. He said off. She laid down on the bed and asked "what religion are
you?" to which he replied atheist. About that time he dropped his pants
and she was staring at that BIG ol thing hanging down between his knees.
She jumped up, and said "You'll have to pick someone else, I can't handle
that!"
So, they went back down stairs, he picked another girl, and back up
they went. She asked do you want the light on or off? He said on. She
asked what religion are you? He replied atheist. And again, she couldn't
handle what she saw.
So, back downstairs they went, he picked out another and they went
back up. However, by now he had figured out what he was doing wrong. She
asked, do you want the light on or off? He replied OFF! She asked what's
your religion? He replied atheist. Then climbed in bed with her. She
said, Oh , your one of those people that don't believe in...JESUS CHRIST!
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There was the sales man who was selling condoms door to door. The
first house he stopped at, a lady answered the door. The sales man said,
"Hi, I'm selling condoms".
About this time the lady had pulled out a cigarette and began smoking
it. The sales man went on, "Would you like to buy one?" The sales man was
stunned when the lady pulled out another cigarette and started to smoke
the two at the same time!
Then, The lady asked "What are condoms?"
The sales man replied (Taking advantage of the lady and her
cigarettes) "Well, You put them over your cigarettes and smoke them!" The
lady took one and placed it over the cigarette and smoked it!
"Pretty good" she said and bought 5 more.
The next day, the lady had ran out of condoms so she ran down to the
nearest convenience store and the man at the counter, "Do you have any
condoms?"
The man replied, "What size?"
To which the lady replied,"Do you have any that fit camels?"
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Once upon a time, in a faraway kingdom, a young couple was going to
get married. Now in this country, young people knew very little about
sex, and just before the wedding ceremony, another couple was chosen to
explain the 'facts' to them.
Now the couple that was chosen were notorious practical jokers, and
they planned a DOOZY for the bride and groom.
The husband met the groom in the room that was prepared, and said to
him, "You gotta be careful, 'cause some girls have TEETH down there, and
if you're not careful, she'll bite off your thing! So test her with your
knee first."
The groom, now slightly nervous agreed that he would.
Meanwhile in another room the wife was talking to the bride about a
similar subject...
"See, those things come in different sizes. You have to watch out
for the big ones; sometimes they are so big that a girl wouldn't survive
the experience, so when he comes at you, put your hand in front of you and
see what size it is first. Men are so full of lust at this moment that
Humor Digest - June 90
Sexual Jokes
they will not listen to you, so use your fingernails to fight him off."
The ceremony was beautiful, and soon came the honeymoon. The groom
turned off the lights, and they both got undressed and into bed.
Two minutes later screams issued forth from the honeymoon suite.
And they slept separately ever after.
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This prostitute was in bed after finishing with a john and she
noticed he left his condom on the bed. Feeling tired, she threw the
condom out of the window next to the bed instead of getting up and
disposing of it in the toilet.
She fell asleep and several hours later, she woke up and glanced out
the window. She noticed a little boy had picked the condom and was
playing with it. She didn't want him to have it so she said "Hey kid,
I'll pay you 10 dollars for that twinkie."
The boy readily agreed, and ran home with his money. Upon arriving
home, he yell, "Mommy, Mommy! This girl paid me 10 dollars for a twinkie
and I had already licked the cream out of the middle!"
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A nun and a priest were traveling through the North African desert to
establish an outpost of civilized religion among the heathens.
After some five days of travel without passing water they began to
dehydrate. Even the camel they were riding began to falter. Finally the
camel died and they ran out of water and they were faced with death. They
talked about their end in a far off lonely place. They had no way of
getting back to civilization without the camel.
As they began to talk of impending death the priest said, "Sister, I
have never in my life seen the naked body of a woman. Would you let me
see yours'?"
The nun replied "Yes." and thereupon she stripped and the priest
looked at her body with curiosity.
The nun said, "Father, I too have been curious about the human body
and I have never seen the nude body of the opposite sex. May I see
yours'?"
The priest said "If that is your last wish I will gladly accede." He
stripped and the nun looked at his body and stared at his tool.
The priest noticed her starring at it and took it in his hand and
said "This is the part of a man that gives life."
The nun replied "Then why the hell don't you use it on the camel?!"
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A couple get married and, on the wedding night, the husband says,
"Darling,all that I have is yours. I have only one request: the top
drawer of my dresser is private to me and I ask you never to open it."
Well, they're married for twenty-five years and, although she was
tempted many times to look in the drawer, she always resisted. One day he
has a heart attack. Late at night she comes home from visiting him at the
hospital. She's so lonely and depressed at the thought that she might
lose him, she finally looks into the drawer.
When the husband recovers and returns home, she confesses that in a
moment of weakness, she looked in the drawer. The husband says, "Well, I
can understand why you did it and I suppose you want to ask me something,
so go ahead." "Well", she says, "All I saw in the drawer were three golf
balls and $500.00 in cash. Why didn't you want me to see it?"
The husband replies, "During our marriage, whenever I was unfaithful
to you I put a golf ball in the drawer."
Humor Digest - June 90
Sexual Jokes
"During twenty-five years of marriage, you were always good to me.
If you were only unfaithful to me three times, I guess I can forgive you
for that. What is the $500.00 for?"
"Well, each time I got a dozen balls in the drawer, I sold them for
25 cents each."
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Seems there was this fellow who frequented whore houses, and had a
very unusual way of gratification.
One day, he went into the local house, and asked the Madam, for her
most accommodating girl.She pondered for a moment, and Called for Suzie.
They went up into the room, where the man had Suzie strip and lay on
the bed. He then got on the bed, squatted over her, and shit on her
chest, paid his money and left. He thereafter began to visit every week
becoming a regular. On each visit, the same thing happened.
One day, he came to call on Suzie, horny as a heathen, but also
constipated as a crippled coon. After he squatted over Suzie all he could
manage was a high, shrill fart. Suzie began to cry uncontrollably.
Looking up at the man, with tear filled eyes said, "You don't love me
anymore..."
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Two nuns are riding their bicycles toward the convent when one nun
says to the other nun "Gee, I've never come this way before".
The other nun replies "I know, I think it's the cobblestones".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A rabbi and a priest were seated together on a cross-country flight.
When an attractive flight attendant asked them if they would like
cocktails, the rabbi said,"Yes, I'd like a Manhattan, please."
"No thank you," the priest said, turning to explain to his seatmate.
"As a priest, I can't drink or fornicate."
"Wait a second,"the rabbi said, standing and waiving at the flight
attendant, "I didn't know I had a choice."
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Some nuns ran an orphanage in a rural area.
One day the mother superior called in the teenagers who were about to
leave. "You're going into a sinful world," she said. "I must warn you
that men will take advantage of you. They'll buy you drinks and dinner,
take you to their apartments, undress you and do terrible things to you.
Then they'll give you $20 or $30 and kick you out."
"Excuse me, Mother," one of the teenagers said. "You mean men will
take advantage of us and give us money?"
"Yes child. Why do you ask?"
"Because the priests only give us candy."
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A guy returns home from his regular club meeting carrying a trophy.
His wife asks him how he earned it.
He says, "I won it in a longest penis contest."
She says, "My, how awful, to show your penis in front of all those
men."
He says, "It wasn't that bad. I only had to show enough to win."
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Superman was very horny and went out on the town to find himself a
lady. As he flew around he spotted Batman and said "Batman, let's go out
on the town and find ourselves some women, I'm really horny!"
Batman said he was too busy and couldn't join him.
Humor Digest - June 90
Sexual Jokes
Superman flew on and met up with Spiderman and extended the same
invitation. Spiderman declined also.
Superman flew on and came upon this desert island and saw Wonder
Woman laying spread eagle and buck ass naked on the island. Elated at
such easy prey, Superman flew in on her, zinged her 3 or 4 times and flew
off.
Wonder Woman said "What the hell was that?"
The Invisible man replied "I don't have any idea, but my ass is
killing me!"
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When the wife asks her husband to repair the dishwasher, he replies
smartly, "Who do you think I am, Mr. Maytag?"
She says, "Well, alright then, fix the car instead."
He comebacks back with: "Who do you think I am, Mr. GoodWrench? I
think I'll just go play golf instead."
So he carts off to the golf course. Around the 5th hole, he begins
to feel guilty, so he quits his game, and returns home.
He goes into the house, and tells his wife that he is ready to repair
the dishwasher and car.
She replies, "They have already been fixed."
He inquires as to who made these repairs.
She replies, "The next door neighbor."
He asks, "Well, what did you pay him."
"Nothing, he gave me two choices. Either bake him something, or come
over to his bedroom."
"Well, what did you bake him?"
She curtly replies, "What do I look like, Betty Crocker?"
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A hunter asks a farmer if it is ok to hunt on his land. The farmer
says it's no problem.
While hunting the hunter sees something move and he shoots. When he
inspects it, he finds he shot a scrawny cow. So he goes back to the
farmer and confesses.
"Oh no! not a scrawny little heffer?", cries the farmer.
"Yea", says the hunter "but why are you so upset about that scrawny
thing?"
"That heffer's got a pussy just like a woman", explained the farmer.
"Hey! No problem!", says the hunter "I'll just introduce you to my
wife. She's got a pussy just like a COW!"
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There was this women who was having problems with her sex life, she
was just not getting enough sex from her guy ( I wish she was my girl) so
she went to see a sex therapist.
After explaining her problem the doctor gave her a pill to slip in
her boyfriends drink next time they had dinner and he assured her she
would be in for a great time.
The next day the doctor called her up and asked how she went, and the
girl said she everything was perfect except for one thing. "Well what was
that?" the doctor asked.
"Well I slipped the tablet into his drink at dinner and then he went
wild, he grabbed me and kissed me and touched me like never before, then
he pushed everything off the table and we made wild passionate steamy love
right there on the dinner table, it was the best ever"
The doctor then asked "Then what was your problem?
Humor Digest - June 90
Sexual Jokes
"I don't think we'll be welcome at McDonalds anymore"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bob had just finished washing his hands when he started to shave with
a straight razor. Unfortunately he left a little bit of soap on his
hands, and when he was shaving his neck, the razor slipped out of his hand
and cut off his dick.
Bob then proceeded to say, "Well I'll be a son of a bitch".
And his dick looked up at him and said, "You sure are a son of a
bitch, for all these years we have been fist fighting, then all of the
sudden you pulled a knife on me."
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Three seminarians about to undergo their final test before ordination
were taken by an old priest in to a luxurious room, told to strip and then
tie a small bell around their organ.
Suddenly a ravishing girl entered the room, and one bell ding a
linged furiously.
"To the showers, Fogarty!" barked the old priest.
Then, as the girl tantalizingly undressed, the father heard ding a
ling, ding a ling.
"Sorry about that, O'Brian. The showers for you, too."
Finally, alone with the naked lovely girl, the remaining seminarian
watched as the girl writhed seductively about him; yet he somehow remained
calm and the bell stayed silent.
"Praise the Lord and congratulations, Featherstone!" the priest
exulted. "You made it! Now go join those weaker souls in the showers."
DING-A-LING.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The parish priest couldn't resist the pretty young girl as she was
reciting her confession: it was all too much for him. He told her to come
with him to his room. There, he place his arm around her.
"Did the young man do this to you?" he asked.
"Yes, Father, and worse," the girl replied.
"Hmm," said the priest. He kissed her.
"Did he do this?"
"Yes, Father, and worse," the girl said.
"Did he do this?" the priest asked, and he lifted her skirt and
fingered her bush.
"Yes, Father, and worse."
By this time, the priest was thoroughly aroused. He pulled the girl
down onto the rug and inserted his penis, breathing heavily as he
asked,"Did he manage to do this?"
"Yes, Father, and worse," said the girl.
When the priest had finished with the girl, he asked,"He did this
too, and worse? My dear daughter, what worse could he have done?"
"Well," the shy young girl said, "I think, Father, that he's given me
gonorrhea."
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A couple in their seventies went to the doctor's office.
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?
The man answered, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse"?
The doctor looked puzzled but agreed.
When the couple had finished, the doctor said, "There was nothing
wrong with the way you had intercourse", and he charged them a $32.00
fee. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an
Humor Digest - June 90
Sexual Jokes
appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave.
Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find
out"?
The old man replied, "We're not trying to find out anything. She is
married so we can't go to her house. I'm married so we can't go to my
place. The Holiday Inn charges $60.00 and the Hilton charges $78.00. We
do it here for $32.00 and get back $28.00 from Medicare for a visit to the
Doctor's office".
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There were two guys that played charades every week, betting big
money. Tom always seemed to win, and Joe always lost. Joe planned and
planned, and came up with what he thought was the perfect way to win back
his money.
The day came to bet, and Joe brought in seven naked women. He placed
them so that the first one had her back to Tom, the second was facing him,
the third with her back to him, the fourth facing him, and the last three
with their backs to him. "Guess that one!" he exclaimed, triumphantly.
"Ah, that's easy--the William Tell Overture," responded Tom.
"How did you guess?" asked Joe.
"Rump titty rump titty rump rump rump!"
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A clerk in a grocery store was confronted by a man who demanded to
buy 1/2 a head of lettuce. The clerk explained that the man could not buy
just 1/2, and the man proceeded to get obnoxious and head for the produce
aisle with a knife to get his 1/2 head of lettuce.
The clerk got the manager and explained to him that "Some asshole
wants to buy 1/2 head of lettuce, and I told that dumb shit that he
couldn't". As he was talking to the manager, the man came up behind him
and overheard the remark about the "asshole, dumb shit".... the clerk,
realizing too late that the man was behind him, quickly added "And this
nice gentleman has graciously offered to buy the other 1/2...."
The man purchased his 1/2 head of lettuce, and was off. The manager,
speaking to the clerk, told him, "I like your style, that was some quick
thinking back there! I'd like to offer you a promotion, I'll make you the
new manager of our store up in Winnipeg!"
"Winnipeg?!" The clerk replied, "There's nothing in Winnipeg but
whores and hockey players!"
"Waitaminute!" The Manager yelled, "My WIFE is from Winnipeg!"
"Oh yea? And what position does she play, sir?"
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A young gold-digger had her eye set on a wealthy 80-year-old. She
begged him for marriage, but he demurred, "My sweet, you are young and
attractive, while I am old and worn out. I'm sorry, but I fear I could
never satisfy you.
"But it's YOU I want," she persisted. "Look, I've heard about a
technique that doctors use to restore a man's virility. It's called
penile prosthetics. You replace your, umm, very experienced but impotent
penis with something more capable. Please? Please will you get one?
It would make me SO happy! |
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