The collection anecdote's 7* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * ** This file contains humor which some may find offensive. The * * jokes hereafter do not in any way represent the opinion of * * the collector. This collection is intended to amuse only, * * and not to insult or imply meaning. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * (653 jokes last count....Updated 11/16/90) MM MM IIII SSSSSS CCCCCC MMM MMM II SS SS CC CC MM MM MM II SS CC MM MM MM II SSSSSS CC MM MM II SS CC MM MM II SS SS CC CC MM MM IIII SSSSSS CCCCCC Q: What's the difference between death and taxes? A: Congress can't make death any worse than it is. Q: What is the similarity between hemorrhoids and cowboy hats? A: Sooner or later, every asshole has one! Q: What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? A: "I don't know, and I don't care." Q: Hear about the new television show about yuppies in Alaska? A: It's called "WD-30something" Q: How can you tell if a kid is a loser? A: The kid is kidnapped, and they put his picture on a MILK DUDS carton. Q: What do the starship Enterprise and toilet paper have in common? A: They both go to Uranus to wipe out the cling-ons. Q: What do 40 battered women have in common? A: They don't listen. Q: What's the difference between the Panama canal and Miss America? A: The Panama canal is a busy ditch. Q: Why don't U.S. senators ever use bookmarks? A: They like their pages bent. Q: What does a baby diaper and your boss have in common? A: They are both all over your ass and usually full of shit! SSSSSS EEEEEEEE XX XX UU UU AA LL SS SS EE XX XX UU UU AAAA LL SS EE XXXX UU UU AA AA LL SSSSSS EEEEE XX UU UU AA AA LL SS EE XXXX UU UU AAAAAAAA LL SS SS EE XX XX UU UU AA AA LL SSSSSS EEEEEEEE XX XX UUUUUU AA AA LLLLLLLL Q: How do you tell if your girlfriend is ticklish? A: Give her a couple "test-tickles". Q: Why did cavemen drag their women by the hair? A: Because when the dragged them by the feet, they filled up with dirt. Q: What comes out of an erect penis? A: Wrinkles! Q: Did you hear about the new edition of Playboy for married men? A: It has the same centerfold every month. Q: Did you hear about the girl with tits on her back? A: She wasn't much to look at but she was great to slow dance with. Q: What is the difference between a circus and a chorus line? A: The first is an array of cunning stunts. Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box? A: Because she kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!" Q: What do balloons and virgins have in common? A: One prick and its gone. Q: What are three words you dread the most while making love?" A: "Honey, I'm home." Q: What's red and has 7 dents? A: Snow White's cherry Q: How do you make paper dolls? A: Screw an old bag Q: How can you tell which is the Head nurse? A: She's the one with dirty knees Q: What do you do when your kotex catches fire? A: Throw it on the floor and tampon it Q: Which of the following doesn't belong: wife, meat, eggs, blowjob? A: The blowjob. You can beat your wife, eggs or meat; but you just can't beat a blowjob. Q: What's the definition of a virgin? A: An ugly third grader Q: What do you call this? (Stick out tongue) A: A lesbian with a hard-on Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? A: "Hold onto your nuts! This ain't gonna be no ordinary blowjob." Q: What do you call a female clone? A: A clunt. Q: What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion? A: A piece of ass that makes your eyes water. Q: What are the two greatest lies? A: "The check is in the mail," and "I promise I won't cum in your mouth." Q: What did Adam say to Eve? A: "Stand back! I don't know how big this thing gets!" Q: What's another reason God created the orgasm? A: Because he couldn't wait for the second coming. Q: Why is being a dick not all it's cracked up to be? A: First of all you have a head but no brains; there's a couple of nuts following you around all the time; your next door neighbor is an asshole and you best friend is a cunt. Q: What's the ultimate rejection? A: When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep. Q: What's the hardest thing about a sex change from a man to a woman? A: Inserting the anchovies. Q: What do you do in case of fallout? A: Put it back in and take shorter strokes. Q: How can you tell when your girlfriend is ugly? A: When she's having an artificial insemination, and the syringe goes limp! Q: How do you make your wife scream after an orgasm? A: Wipe your dick on the curtains. Q: What's the difference between a cunt and a pussy? A: A pussy is that nice warm thing you cuddle up to at night, a cunt is what it is attached to. Q: When does a cubscout become a boyscout? A: When he eats his first brownie. Q: Why is air a lot like sex? A: Cause it's no big deal unless your not getting any! Q: What do they call a black man with a white penis? A: A polish coal miner who's been home for lunch. Q: What is the difference between a paycheck and a penis? A: You can always find a girl who'll blow your paycheck for you. Q: Did you hear about the girl who gave up bowling for sex? A: The balls were lighter and she didn't have to change her shoes! Q: What's better than having a rose on your piano? A: Having Tulips on your organ. Q: How are an oven and a woman alike? A: You have to get them both hot before you stick the meat in. Q: How can you tell when you've had a really good blowjob? A: You have to pull the sheets out of your ass. Q: What has 100 teeth and can hold back a huge monster? A: My zipper. Q: Do you know what a guy with a big 12 inch cock has for breakfast? A: "Well let's see, this morning I had two eggs, toast, coffee..." Q: How do you get rid of unwanted pubic hair? A: "Pi'tew...spit...pi'tew...spit..." Q: Why do women sky divers wear tampons? A: So they won't whistle on the way down. Q: Why do women have two holes on the bottom? A: So when they get drunk at a party, you can carry them home like a six-pack. Q: What do you call a woman who can suck a golf ball through a 20 ft. garden hose? A: "Darling", "Sweetheart", "Precious", whatever it takes. Q: How can you tell if a ballerina isn't wearing panties? A: When she does a split and sticks to the floor. Q: What is the difference between sin and shame? A: It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out. Q: Why is being in the Army like a PG movie? A: Too much violence and not enough sex. Q: What is the difference between like and love? A: Spit and swallow. Q: How do you go about screwing a 400-pound woman? A: Roll her in flour and look for the wet spot. Q: How do you know when your girlfriend is too fat? A: When she sits on your face and you can't hear the stereo Q: How are fat girls and mopeds alike? A: They're both fun to ride until your friends find out. Q: What do you call a shipment of vibrators? A: "Toys for twats". Q: Do you know why Santa Claus doesn't have any children? A: Because, he only comes once a year and then it's down a chimney. Q: What's the difference between masturbation and Basketball? A: In Basketball, you dribble before you shoot. Q: What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist? A: One looks up the family tree, the other looks up the family bush! Q: Why is eating pussy like dealing with the mafia? A: One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit. Q: What's hard and straight going in, and soft and sticky coming out? A: Chewing gum. Q: Why do they address cars as "she"? A: Because, just like your wife, on a cold morning when you really need it, she won't turn over. Q: Did you hear about the new designer condoms? A: They're called "Sergio Prevente." Q: What do you get when you cross LSD with birth control? A: A trip without the kids. Q: What's worse than lipstick on your collar? A: Leg makeup on your ears. Q: What's twelve inches long and white? A: Nothing. Q: What do you call Miss Piggy's douche? A: "Hog wash!" Q: What did Miss Piggy say when Gonzo called her? A: "I can't talk right now - I've got a frog in my throat." Q: What do you do in the event of fallout? A: Put it back in and take shorter strokes. Q: Why did God give women nipples? A: To make suckers out of men. Q: What do you call a pussy that takes messages for you? A: An answering cervix. Q: What do you give an eighty-year-old woman for her birthday? A: Mikey...He'll eat anything. Q: What do you call a woman who uses too much contraceptive foam? A: A spermicidal maniac. Q: Know what is the square root of 69? A: Ate something. Q: What is the speed limit of sex? A: 68, at 69 you have to turn around! Q: Why can women only go 68 mph on the highway? A: Because at 69 they blow a rod. Q: Why do women like to play PacMan? A: It's the only way they know of to get eaten three times for a quarter. Q: Why do men like to play Pinball? A: It's the only way they can get five balls for a quarter. Q: What are two things in the air that can make a woman pregnant? A: Her legs. Q: What's the difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball? A: You can only put three fingers in a bowling ball! Q: What's the difference between trash and a sorority girl? A: Trash sometimes gets picked up. Q: What's the difference between a sorority girl and a Lamborghini? A: Not everyone has been in a Lamborghini! Q: What does a sorority girl do when she wakes up? A: She goes home! Q: What's the difference between a sorority girl and a toilet? A: A toilet doesn't follow you around for two weeks after you use it! Q: What do you do with 365 used rubbers? A: Tie them together, make it a tire, and call it a good year. Q: Why do Valley Girls use two diaphragms? A: "Fur Shur, Fur Shur." Q: Why don't cowboys make good lovers? A: Because they think a good ride is eight seconds. Q: What's the difference between your wife and your job? A: After 10 years the job still sucks! Q: When does a Cub Scout become a Boy Scout? A: When he eats his first Brownie. Q: What do soy beans and vibrators have in common? A: They're both meat substitutes. Q: What do snow and sex have in common? A: You never know how many inches you're going to get or how long it's going to last. Q: Why is lite beer like making love in a canoe? A: Because they're both fuckin' close to water! Q: How can you tell which man is the most popular in a nudist colony? A: He's the one who can carry two cups of coffee and six doughnuts at the same time. Q: How come Dr. Pepper comes in a bottle? A: His wife died. Q: How come prostitutes never vote? A: They don't care who get's in. Q: What do you call a hooker with no legs? A: A "nightcrawler". Q: What did the prostitute give her daughter for her birthday? A: Everything west of Broadway. Q: What do you call a hooker's kids? A: Brothel sprouts. Q: What do you get if you cross a whore and a computer? A: A fucking know-it-all. Q: What do peanut butter and hookers have in common? A: They both spread for bread. Q: What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone? A: You can't hear an enzyme. VV VV DDDDDDD VV VV DD DD VV VV DD DD VV VV DD DD VV VV DD DD VVVV DD DD VV :: DDDDDDD :: Q: Have you heard about the Faggot Patch Dolls? A: They come with A.I.D.S. and a death certificate. Q: Why can't scientists find a cure for AIDS? A: They can't get the laboratory mice to butt fuck. Q: What's the worst part about having AIDS? A: Leaving your friends behind! Q: Why did the minister get AIDS? A: He didn't wash his organ between hims. Q: What's the difference between mono and herpes? A: You get mono from snatching a kiss. Q: What do the initials in A.I.D.S. stand for? A: Anally Inserted Death Sentence. Q: How does herpes get out of the hospital? A: On crotches. Q: What does GAY stand for? A: Got AIDS Yet? Q: What's dangerous & eats nuts? A: Syphilis. Q: What's the difference between love and herpes? A: Herpes lasts forever. AA NN NN IIII MM MM AA LL SSSSSS AAAA NNN NN II MMM MMM AAAA LL SS SS AA AA NNNN NN II MM MM MM AA AA LL SS AA AA NN NN NN II MM MM MM AA AA LL SSSSSS AAAAAAAA NN NNNN II MM MM AAAAAAAA LL SS AA AA NN NNN II MM MM AA AA LL SS SS AA AA NN NN IIII MM MM AA AA LLLLLLLL SSSSSS Q: What does a Walrus and Tupperware have in common? A: Their both looking for a tight seal. Q: What do you call two skunks doing "69"? A: "Odor eaters". Q: Why does an elephant have 4 feet? A: Because 8 inches isn't enough Q: Where is an elephant's sex organ? A: In his feet; if he steps on you you're fucked. Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man? A: How do you breath through that thing? Q: What do elephants use for a tampons? A: Sheep Q: What do you call a herd of masturbating cattle? A: Beef Strokenoff Q: What do you call a cow with and abortion? A: Decalfinated Q: How do you know when an elephant's been fucking in your garage? A: Your Hefty bags are missing. Q: What is COYOTE UGLY? A: When you wake up with your arms around someone sooooooooo ugly, that you chew your arm off, rather than risk waking her up. Q: Where do they get virgin wool? A: Ugly sheep. Q: What's worse than finding a worm in the apple you're eating? A: Finding half a worm. Q: What do you get when you put an experimental monkey in a blender? A: Rhesus Pieces. Q: Why do dogs lick their balls? A: Because they can. Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls? A: Walk him and pitch to the giraffe. Q: How can you tell when an elephant's got her period? A: There's a quarter on your bedstand, and your pillow is missing. Q: What's the last thing that goes through an insect's mind when it hits the windshield at 55 mph? A: Its asshole. Q: What has a hundred balls, and fucks rabbits? A: A shotgun. Q: Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love? A: Because they have cotton balls. Q: Why do Easter Bunnies hide their eggs? A: They don't want anyone to know they've been fucking chickens. Q: Where are an elephants sex organs? A: In his feet, if he steps on you, your fucked! Q: What's the black stuff between an Elephant's toes? A: Slow natives. Q: Why does an elephant have four feet? A: Because seven inches would look silly on an elephant. Q: What do elephants and Timex watches have in common? A: They both come in quartz. Q: Why is the camel called "the ship of the desert?" A: It's full of Arab semen. Q: What do you get when you cross a computer and a gorilla? A: A Hairy Reasoner! Q: Where do you find a Turtle with no legs? A: Right where you left him. Q: Hear about the guy who named his dog Herpes? A: He heals once a month. Q: What's the difference between a dog and a fox? A: About four drinks. Q: What's the difference between Beernuts and deer nuts? A: Beernuts cost around thirty five cents, deer nuts are just under a buck. Q: What's the difference between a moose and Lawrence Welk's orchestra? A: On a moose, the horns are in front and the asshole is in back. Q: How are a woman and a cow patty alike? A: The older they get, the easier they are to pick up. FFFFFFFF OOOOOO WW WW LL FF OO OO WW WW LL FF OO OO WW WW LL FFFFF OO OO WW WW LL FF OO OO WW WW WW LL FF OO OO WW WW WW LL FF OOOOOO WW WW LLLLLLLL HH HH UU UU MM MM OOOOOO RRRRRRR HH HH UU UU MMM MMM OO OO RR RR HH HH UU UU MM MM MM OO OO RR RR HHHHHHHH UU UU MM MM MM OO OO RRRRRRR HH HH UU UU MM MM OO OO RR RR HH HH UU UU MM MM OO OO RR RR HH HH UUUUUU MM MM OOOOOO RR RR Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster with a telephone pole? A: A twenty-foot cock that wants to reach out and touch someone. Q: What's the difference between chicken and meat? A: If you beat your chicken it would die Q: Why are chickens so ugly? A: They have a pecker on their face Q: What do you get when you cross an Owl and a Rooster? A: A cock that stays up all night. Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster with a telephone pole? A: A twenty-foot cock that wants to reach out and touch someone. Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster with an M&M? A: A cock that won't melt in your hand. Q: Why don't chickens wear underwear? A: Because their peckers are on their face. Q: Why did the chicken cross the basket ball court? A: Because it heard that the referee was blowing fouls. Q: Why did the punk rocker cross the road? A: He had a chicken stapled to his face. Q: What's the difference between hookers and roosters? A: One says "Cock-a-doodle-doo", the other says "Any-cock'll-do". Q: What's the difference between erotic and kinky? A: Erotic is when you use a feather; kinky is when you use the whole chicken. HH HH A NN NN DDDDDD IIII CCCCC A PPPPPP PPPPPP EEEEEE DDDDDD HH HH AAA NNN NN DD DD II CC CC AAA PP PP PP PP EE DD DD HH HH AA AA NNNN NN DD DD II CC AA AA PP PP PP PP EE DD DD HHHHHHH AA AA NN NNNN DD DD II CC AA AA PPPPPP PPPPPP EEEE DD DD HH HH AAAAAAA NN NNN DD DD II CC AAAAAAA PP PP EE DD DD HH HH AA AA NN NN DD DD II CC CC AA AA PP PP EE DD DD HH HH AA AA NN NN DDDDDD IIII CCCCC AA AA PP PP EEEEEE DDDDDD Q: What does D.A.M. stand for? A: Mothers Against Dyslexia Q: What does D.D.A.M. stand for? A: Drunk Drivers Against Mothers Q: What do you do when a female leper bats her eyes at you??? A: Catch 'em and yell "You're OUT!" Q: Why did the leper fail his driving test. A: He left his foot on the gas! Q: Why is one of Helen Keller's legs yellow? A: Because her dog is blind too. Q: Hear about the guy who lost his whole left side in an auto accident? A: He's all right now! Q: What do you say to a one legged hitch-hiker? A: Hop in. Q: What do you do with a dog that doesn't have any legs? A: Take him for a drag. Q: What do you call a cow with no legs? A: Ground beef. Q: What do you call a dog with no legs? A: Who cares? He won't come anyway. Q: What do you call a man with no arms or legs, with a ten inch penis? A: Partially disabled. Q: What do you call a one-legged Mongoloid who's Polish? A: "A Polaroid one-step." Q: What should you do if an epileptic has a seizure in your bathtub? A: Throw in your laundry. Q: What did the blind man say when he walked past the fish market? A: "Evening ladies." Q: Have you seen Stevie Wonder's wife? A: Neither has he. Q: Did you hear about the guy who lost his whole left side in an accident? A: He's all right now. Q: Why is one of Helen Keller's legs yellow? A: Because her dog is blind too. Q: How did Helen Keller burn her cheek? A: She answered the iron. Q: How did she burn the other cheek? A: The guy called back. Q: How did Helen Keller's parents punish her when she didn't do her homework? A: They stomped on all her braille books with golf shoes. Q: How do you drive Helen Keller crazy? A: Lock her in a room with stucco walls. Q: How did Helen Keller burn her fingers? A: She tried to read the waffle iron. Q: How can you tell if Helen Keller has brushed her teeth? A: By the Gleam in her eye. Q: How was Helen Keller punished by her parents? A: They put Saran-wrap over the toilet Q: You know what they did to Helen when she was REALLY bad? A: Left the plunger in the toilet! Q: What did Helen Keller do when she fell off the cliff? A: She screamed her fingers off. Q: Why does Helen Keller need two hands to masturbate? A: One to do the work and the other to moan with. Q: How did Helen Keller discover masturbation? A: Trying to read her own lips. Q: What was Helen Keller's dog's name? A: Huuuuuuuuuummmmmmmmth! Q: How did Helen Keller's parents punish her when she was bad? A: They re-arranged the furniture in her room. Q: How did Helen Keller's parents punish her when she used bad words? A: They washed her hands out with soap. Q: What has a hundred thousand legs and still can't walk? A: Jerry's kids. Q: What's the most difficult thing about eating vegetables? A: Getting them out of the wheelchair. Q: How can you spot the blind guy in a nudist colony? A: It's not hard. Q: Did you hear about the leper who made his living as a gigolo? A: He was doing great until business fell off. Q: Why was a time-out called in the leper hockey game? A: There was a face-off in the corner. Q: How can you tell if a valentine is from a leper? A: The tongue's still in the envelope. Q: How can you tell when a leper poker game is over? A: When someone throws his hand in. Q: Why did the leper fail his driving test? A: He left his foot on the gas. Q: What's small, green, and falls apart? A: A leperchaun. Q: What did the leper say to the prostitute? A: "Keep the tip." Q: What do you call a girl with one leg? A: Eileen. Q: What do you call a man with no arms and legs sitting in your mailbox? A: Bill Q: What do you call a woman with a wooden leg? A: Peg Q: What do you call two guys hanging from the wall? A: Curt and Rod Q: What do you call a man with no legs? A: Neil Q: What do you call a quadriplegic on your doorstep? A: Matt. Q: What do you call a quadriplegic in your pool? A: Bob. Q: What do you call a quadriplegic in a hole? A: Phil. Q: What do you call a quadriplegic on your wall? A: Art. Q: What do you call a quadriplegic in a pile of leaves? A: Russel. Q: What do you call a quadriplegic going over a fence? A: Homer. Q: What do you call a quadriplegic who's just been run over by a car? A: Patty. Q: What do you call a quadriplegic at the beach? A: Sandy. Q: What do you call a leper in your bathtub? A: Stew. JJJJJ EEEEEEEE WW WW IIII SSSSSS HH HH JJ EE WW WW II SS SS HH HH JJ EE WW WW II SS HH HH JJ EEEEE WW WW II SSSSSS HHHHHHHH JJ JJ EE WW WW WW II SS HH HH JJ JJ EE WW WW WW II SS SS HH HH JJJJJ EEEEEEEE WW WW IIII SSSSSS HH HH Q: How do you stop a Jewish girl from fucking you? A: Marry her. Q: What happens to a Jewish man when he walks into a wall with a full erection? A: He breaks his nose. Q: How can you tell if a dirty old man is Jewish? A: He says, "Hey little girl, wanna buy a piece of candy?" Q: Did you hear about the new Jewish porno movie? A: It called, "Debbie Does Nothing." Q: Do you know the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry. Q: How do you say "fuck you" in Hebrew? A: "Trust me". Q: How do you cure a Jewish woman of nymphomania? A: Marry her Q: What's a JAP's idea of perfect sex? A: Mutual headaches. Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's definition of natural childbirth? A: No makeup. Q: How was copper wire invented? A: Two Jews found the same penny. Q: What's green and hates Jews? A: Snotzies. Q: What happens if a Jew with an erection walks into a wall? A: He breaks his nose. Q: Why do Jews have such big noses? A: Air is free. Q: What is a popular Jewish wine? A: "I wanna go to Miami...". Q: What does a Jewish American Princess make for dinner? A: Reservations. Q: What's the difference between JAPs and sharks? A: JAPs don't eat seemen (sea-men). Q: Did you hear about the new Firestein automobile tires? A: They stop on a dime, and then pick it up. Q: What's the difference between Jews and Canoes? A: Canoes tip. Q: What's the difference between Jews and pizzas? A: Pizzas don't scream when you put them in the oven. Q: What is a Jewish dilemma? A: Free ham. Q: Did you hear about the rabbi who did free circumcisions? A: He only took tips. Q: How many Jews can you fit in a VW? A: Two in the front, two in the back, and ten thousand in the ash tray. Q: How can you tell when a JAP has an orgasm? A: She drops her nail file. RRRRRRR EEEEEEE LL IIII GGGGGG IIII OOOOOO UU UU SSSSSS RR RR EE LL II GG GG II OO OO UU UU SS SS RR RR EE LL II GG II OO OO UU UU SS RRRRRRR EEEEE LL II GG II OO OO UU UU SSSSSS RR RR EE LL II GG GGGG II OO OO UU UU SS RR RR EE LL II GG GG II OO OO UU UU SS SS RR RR EEEEEEE LLLLLLL IIII GGGGGG IIII OOOOOO UUUUUU SSSSSS Q: What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with an Atheist? A: Someone who rings your doorbell for absolutely no reason at all! Q: How come no one ever came up with any jokes about the Jonestown incident? A: The punchlines were too long. Q: What do the Pope and 7-UP have in common? A: "Never had it, never will." Q: Why didn't Jesus get into college? A: He got hung up on his boards. Q: What do you call a Nun with a sex change? A: A "Transister" Q: What do a priest and a Christmas tree have in common? A: They both have balls just for decoration. Q: What kind of meat does the Pope eat on Fridays? A: Nun. Q: Why can't Jesus eat M&Ms? A: They keep falling through the holes in his hands. Q: What's heavenly, white, and falls from above? A: Kingdom come. Q: Why can't you circumcise Libyans? A: Because there's no end to those pricks. Q: What's the difference between a nun and a woman taking a shower? A: The nun has hope in her soul. Q: What did Adam say to Eve on their first evening together? A: "Stand back! I don't know how big this thing gets!" Q: What do you get when you cross a nun with an IBM? A: A computer system that never goes down. Q: Why did God create men? A: Cucumbers don't take out the garbage. PPPPPPP OOOOOO LL IIII SSSSSS HH HH PP PP OO OO LL II SS SS HH HH PP PP OO OO LL II SS HH HH PPPPPPP OO OO LL II SSSSSS HHHHHHHH PP OO OO LL II SS HH HH PP OO OO LL II SS SS HH HH PP OOOOOO LLLLLLLL IIII SSSSSS HH HH Q: What are the two biggest lies a Polock ever tells? A: "The check is in your mouth" and "I promise not to come in your mailbox." Q: What does it say at the top of a Polish ladder? A: "STOP". Q: Did you hear about the latest Polish invention? A: A solar powered flashlight. Q: What do you do when a Polock throws a grenade at you? A: You pull the pin and throw it back. Q: What do you call a pimple on a Polacks ass? A: A brain tumor Q: What did the Polack do with his first 50-cent piece? A: He married her Q: Three Polacks on a couch - which one's the cock sucker? A: The one who's spitting feathers Q: What do you call a Polock with an I.Q. of 176? A: A village. Q: How do you break a Polock's finger? A: Punch him in the nose. Q: What's a Polish shishkabob? A: A flaming arrow through a garbage can. Q: What do you call this? (Puff out cheeks) A: Polish sperm bank Q: What is long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night? A: A new last name. Q: How can you tell a Polish woman is on her period? A: She's only wearing 1 sock Q: What's the leading killer among Polish women? A: Toxic sock syndrome Q: How do you get a polish woman pregnant? A: Cum in her shoes and the flies do the rest. Q: How do you get 3 Polacks off a couch? A: Jerk 1 off and the other 2 cum Q: Why is the average age of the Polish Army, 40? A: Because they take 'em right out of high school! Q: What do you get when you cross a Polack and a Mongoloid with one leg? A: A Polaroid 1 Step Q: Did you hear how the Polish hockey team drowned? A: Spring training! Q: How do you sink a Polish submarine? A: Knock on the hatch! Q: Did you hear about the Polish carpool? A: They all meet at work. Q: Why do Poles make the best astronauts? A: Because they take up space in school. Q: Why don't they give Poles a whole hour for lunch? A: They don't want to have to retrain them. Q: What do you get when you cross a Pole and an ape. A: A retarded ape. Q: What are the three most difficult years in a Pole's life? A: Second grade. Q: What do you call a Polish paratrooper? A: Instant air pollution. Q: Hear about the guy that was half German and half Polish? A: He hated Jews but couldn't figure out why! Q: What did Hitler tell the German Army before they marched into Poland? A: "Don't shit in the streets, we're trying to starve them." Q: What do you call a Polock with a $10,000 hat? A: The Pope. Q: Why is it illegal to kill flies in Poland? A: Because that's the national bird. Q: What would happen if someone nuked Warsaw? A: It would result in $2.99 worth of damage. Q: Why are rectal thermometers illegal in Poland? A: Because they cause too much brain damage. Q: How does a Polock count? A: "1, 2, 3, another, another, another...." Q: Why did the Polish elevator operator lose his job? A: He forgot the route. Q: Did you hear that half of Poland moved to Italy? A: They raised the I.Q. of both countries! Q: Why don't Polish women use vibrators? A: It chips their teeth. Q: Did you hear about the Polish man who broke his neck raking leaves? A: He fell out of the tree. Q: Why do Poles make such lousy lovers? A: They always wait for the swelling to go down. Q: Why does a Polock wear a hat to the toilet to take a crap? A: So that he will know which end to wipe. Q: Why are there no polish pharmacies? A: They can't figure out how to put the little bottles in the typewriter. Q: How come Polocks can't use word processors? A: They keep getting white-out all over the screen. Q: What happened to the Polish National Library? A: Someone stole the book. Q: What is a Polish Pencil? A: A pencil with erasers on both ends. Q: Why did the stadium in Warsaw get torn down? A: Everywhere you sit, you sit behind a Pole. Q: Why did the Polack jump off the Empire State building? A: To show everybody that he had guts. Q: How do we know there is a Polish Mafia? A: They found two men with their heads tied together and shot through the hands. Q: What did the Polock do with his first fifty cent piece? A: He married her. Q: How do you sink a Polish battleship? A: Put it in water. Q: Why does the new Polish navy have glass-bottomed boats? A: So they can see the old Polish navy. Q: Did you hear about the Polish man who failed as a tree surgeon? A: He couldn't stand the sight of sap. Q: How do you keep a Polock in suspense? A: I'll tell you tomorrow. Q: Did you hear about the abortion clinics in Poland? A: There's a year-long waiting list to get in. Q: How do you ruin a Polish party? A: Flush the punch bowl. Q: How do you break a Pole's finger? A: Hit him in the nose. Q: Did you hear about the Polock who locked his family in his car? A: It took him an hour to get them out with a coat hanger. Q: How come Polish people only smell on one side? A: They can never find "Left Guard" in the supermarket. Q: Why don't Polish mothers breast-feed their babies? A: It hurts too much to boil the nipples. Q: Did you hear about the Polish parachute? A: It opens on impact. Q: Did you hear about the Polish assassin who was sent to blow up a car? A: He burned his lips on the exhaust pipe. Q: Why aren't there any ice cubes in Poland? A: The inventor died and took the recipe with him. Q: Where do the Polish keep their armies? A: Up their sleevies. Q: How can you tell a Polish cock sucker? A: He's the one spitting feathers. Q: Did you hear about the Polish man who couldn't spell? A: Every payday he spends all night at a warehouse. BBBBBB LL AA CCCCCC KK KK SSSSSS BB BB LL AAAA CC CC KK KK SS SS BB BB LL AA AA CC KK KK SS BBBBBBB LL AA AA CC KKKK SSSSSS BB BB LL AAAAAAAA CC KK KK SS BB BB LL AA AA CC CC KK KK SS SS BBBBBBB LLLLLLLL AA AA CCCCCC KK KK SSSSSS Q: Do you know what N.A.A.C.P stands for? A: "Niggers Are Actually Colored Pollacks" Q: What do you call a black woman in the army? A: A WACcoon. Q: Do you know how break dancing got started? A: Black kids trying to steal hub caps off of moving cars. Q: Why do Blacks walk the way they do? A: Because they spent the first nine months of their lives dodging a coat hanger. Q: Why do black women eat watermelon with their panties off? A: To keep the flies off the watermelon. Q: What do the Post Office & Kinney's have in common? A: Both have 30,000 black loafers Q: What would you call Bo Derek if she were black? A: A "Ten of Spades" Q: Why do black guys wear high-heeled shoes? A: To keep from scraping their knuckles when they walk Q: How can you tell a black person has been shot in the head? A: By the hole in his radio Q: Did you hear that the NFL is going to use green footballs next year? A: Did you ever hear of a black dropping a watermelon? Q: Did you hear about Ku Klux Knievel? A: He tried to jump 18 blacks with a steam roller. Q: What will they call the first black test tube baby? A: Janitor in a drum Q: Why can't little black kids play in sandboxes? A: Cats keep trying to cover them up Q: Have you heard about the new black disaster movie? A: It's called A-pack-of-lips Now Q: Why is Ray Charles smiling all the time? A: Because he doesn't know he is black. Q: How come there were no black people in the Flintstones? A: They were all apes back then. Q: What do you call two black motorcycle cops? A: Chocolate CHiPs. Q: Why do blacks keep chickens? A: So the kids can learn how to strut. Q: What do you call a black with a C.B. A: Thief! Thief! Q: What do you call a Negro woman with braces? A: A Black and Decker pecker wrecker. Q: What do they call the black Smurfs? A: Smiggers. Q: Why does Georgia have blacks while California has Earthquakes? A: California got first pick. Q: What is Sickle-Cell Anemia? A: AIDS for spades. Q: What do you get when you cross a Black and an Indian? A: A Sioux named "Boy". Q: Did you hear about the new dare devil, Ku Klux Knievel? A: He's going to try to jump over 50 blacks with a steamroller! Q: Why don't black people make good mountain climbers? A: Their lips explode at 10,000 feet. Q: Why are black people always horny? A: You'd be horny too if your head was covered with pubic hair. Q: What's the difference between blacks and snow tires? A: Snow tires don't sing when you put chains on them. Q: How do you stop a black kid from jumping on his bed? A: Glue "Velcro" to the ceiling. Q: What do you call the first black test-tube baby? A: Janitor in a drum. Q: What do you get when you cross a black and a Frenchman? A: Jacques Cousteaudian. Q: How many blacks does it take to shingle a roof? A: It depends on how thin you slice them. Q: How come there are so few black astronauts? A: They don't like saying "Yes NASA, No NASA...". Q: Did you hear about the two black guys on "That's Incredible"? A: One had a job, and the other knew his father. Q: Why do so many black people wear high heels? A: So their knuckles won't scrape when they walk. Q: Why is Ray Charles always smiling? A: 'Cause he can't see that he's black. Q: Why do black people smell? A: So blind people can hate 'em too. Q: Did you hear that Richard Prior and Michael Jackson are starting a new scholarship for blacks? A: It's called "The Ignited Negroes College Fund." Q: Why do black people have flat noses? A: That's where God puts his foot when he pulls their tales off. Q: How can you be sure that Adam and Eve weren't black? A: Did YOU ever try to take a rib from a black man? Q: What is tattooed under every black man's lower lip? A: "Inflate to 200 psi." Q: What did God say when he made his second black man. A: "Oops, burned another one." Q: Did you hear about the black guy who had diarrhea? A: He thought he was melting. Q: What is the "Harlem Rap"? A: "Watermelon, chitlins, Cadillac car we're not as dumb as you think we is." Q: Did you hear about the new French restaurant in Harlem? A: It's called "Chez What?" Q: Did you hear about the toy store in Harlem? A: It's called "Toys'B'Us." Q: What's the difference between a black woman's vagina and a bowling ball? A: You could eat the bowling ball if you absolutely had to. Q: What did Kunta-Kinte say when they chopped his foot? A: "Where my toe-be?" EEEEEEEE TTTTTTTT HH HH NN NN IIII CCCCCC EE TT HH HH NNN NN II CC CC EE TT HH HH NNNN NN II CC EEEEE TT HHHHHHHH NN NN NN II CC EE TT HH HH NN NNNN II CC EE TT HH HH NN NNN II CC CC EEEEEEEE TT HH HH NN NN IIII CCCCCC Q: Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the same day in Iraq? A: They don't want to wear out the camel. Q: What's the difference between Aggie cheerleaders and sheep? A: If you get lonely, you can always find a good looking sheep. Q: What is "Miami Math?" A: "TWO plus DOS equal FOE". Q: How does every ethnic joke start? A: By looking over your shoulder. Q: How do Aggies have Sex? A: They Exchange underwear! Q: What do you call a Greek girl who keeps running away from home? A: A virgin. Q: Have you heard about the new Vietnamese cookbook? A: It's called 101 ways to wok your dog Q: What is the hottest item in Russian department stores? A: Underwear labeled: January, February, March, April . . . . Q: Why is there so little Puerto Rican literature? A: Because spray paint wasn't invented `till 1949. Q: What do Orientals use Dental Floss for? A: Blindfolds. Q: Why don't Puerto Ricans have checking accounts? A: Because it's hard to sign checks with a spray can. Q: How do you brainwash an Italian? A: Give him an enema. Q: What language do the Vatican Police speak? A: Pig Latin! Q: What do you call an Italian with an I.Q. of 180? A: Sicily. Q: Why is Italy shaped like a boot? A: Do you think they could fit all that shit in a tennis shoe? Q: Why don't Puerto Ricans like blow jobs? A: They're afraid it'll interfere with their unemployment benefits. Q: Why did the Italian staple his nuts together? A: "If you can't lick 'em, join 'em" Q: Who won the Belgian beauty contest? A: Nobody. Q: If a Polack and a Mexican fall off the top of a tall building, who hits the ground first? A: The Polack, because the Mexican stopped to spray his name on the wall A: The Mexican, because the Polack got lost A: WHO CARES? Q: Why don't Italians have freckles? A: Because they slide off. Q: How does an Italian count his goats? A: He just counts the legs, and divides by four. Q: How did they advertise surplus W. W. II Italian rifles for sale? A: "Never fired, and only dropped once." Q: What's the difference between an Arab and a terrorist? A: An Arab would have kept the wheelchair. Q: What's worse than being hijacked by the PLO? A: Being rescued by the Egyptians. Q: Why don't Arabs ever get hemorrhoids? A: Because they are such perfect assholes! Q: What do Arabs do on a Saturday night? A: Sit under palm trees and eat their dates. Q: What is a Japanese girl's favorite holiday? A: Erection day! Q: Did you know that 85% of all Japanese men have Cataracts? A: The rest drive Rincolns and Chevlorets. Q: What's gross ignorance? A: One hundred and forty-four Irishmen. Q: How do you keep an Englishman happy in his old age? A: Tell him a joke when he's young. Q: What do you call a pretty girl in Russia? A: A tourist. Q: Which one doesn't belong: A shrimp, a lobster, a salmon, or a Japanese with a piano on top of him? A: The salmon. All the rest are crustaceans. Q: What do you call a fat Chinaman? A: A chunk. Q: Did you hear about the new Vietnamese cookbook? A: It's called "101 Ways to Wok Your Dog." GGGGGG AA YY YY SSSSSS GG GG AAAA YY YY SS SS GG AA AA YYYY SS GG AA AA YY SSSSSS GG GGGG AAAAAAAA YY SS GG GG AA AA YY SS SS GGGGGG AA AA YY SSSSSS Q: Whats the most popular pick up line in a gay bar? A: "Pardon me, may I push in your stool?" Q: What do you call a gay Indian? A: A brave fucker. Q: What do you call 2 gay guys named Bob? A: "Oral Roberts" Q: What do gays use rubbers for? A: Seal-a-meal Q: What do you call a gay dentist? A: A tooth fairy. Q: What do you call a sleeping bag in San Francisco? A: A fruit roll up. Q: What do you call two gays? A: Neal and Bob. Q: What happens to a man who spends the night at a gay bar? A: He wakes up with a queer taste in his mouth. Q: What do you call a Jewish Homosexual A: A Heblew Q: What's the difference between a freezer and a fag? A: A freezer doesn't fart after you pull the meat out! Q: Did you know that Rock Hudson does not have any friends or relatives? A: But he has neighbors up his ass. Q: Who is the saddest faggot in Hollywood? A: The last one to get a piece of the "Rock". Q: Did you know that Rock Hudson's insurance got cancelled? A: He got rear ended too many times. Q: How can you tell the difference between a straight rodeo and a gay rodeo? A: At a straight rodeo they yell "Ride them suckers!". Q: Did you hear about the two fags who had an argument in a gay bar? A: They went outside to exchange blows. Q: What are the three things homosexuals like most? A: To eat, drink, and be Mary. Q: What's the ultimate in confusion? A: Fifteen blind lesbians at a fish market. Q: How do you separate the men from the boys in San Francisco? A: With a crowbar. Q: Why are they freezing sperm in San Francisco? A: It tastes better than fresh squeezed. Q: What kind of license do lesbians need? A: A licker license. Q: How can you tell if a bank robber is gay? A: When he ties up the safe and blows the guard. Q: What do you call a fag in a wheelchair? A: Rolaids. Q: What do you call two Irish gays? A: Patrick Fitzhenry and Henry Fitzpatrick. Q: How about the new breakfast cereal called Queerios? A: You add milk and they eat themselves. Q: What's in the air in San Francisco that keeps women from getting pregnant? A: Men's legs. Q: Did you hear about the new gay bar in town? A: It's called "Boys'R'Us." Q: What do you call a gay Eskimo woman? A: A Klondike. Q: Which is better, being born black or gay? A: Black, because you don't have to tell your parents. Q: How do you get four gays on a bar stool? A: Turn it upside-down. Q: How can you tell if you're in a gay church? A: Half the congregation is kneeling. Q: Did you hear about the new Rock Hudson jeans? A: The zipper is in the back. Q: Why did Rock Hudson leave home when he was 12 years old? A: He didn't like the way he was being reared. Q: Why did he come back? A: He couldn't leave his brother's behind. GGGGGG RRRRRRR OOOOOO SSSSSS SSSSSS GG GG RR RR OO OO SS SS SS SS GG RR RR OO OO SS SS GG RRRRRRR OO OO SSSSSS SSSSSS GG GGGG RR RR OO OO SS SS GG GG RR RR OO OO SS SS SS SS GGGGGG RR RR OOOOOO SSSSSS SSSSSS Q: What's the worst part of eating hairless pussey? A: Getting the diaper off. Q: What did one fly say to the other? A: "Pardon me, is this stool taken?" Q: How can you tell if a woman is wearing panty hose? A: Her ankles swell up when she farts. Q: What is the difference between cauliflower and boogers? A: Kids won't eat cauliflower. Q: What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? A: The taste. Q: Why does Captain Kirk pee on the ceiling? A: He wants to go where no man has gone before. Q: What did Mr. Spock find in the toilet? A: The Captain's log. Q: What's invisible and smells like dog food? A: Old people's farts. SSSSSS HH HH UU UU TTTTTTTT TTTTTTTT LL EEEEEEEE SS SS HH HH UU UU TT TT LL EE SS HH HH UU UU TT TT LL EE SSSSSS HHHHHHHH UU UU TT TT LL EEEEE SS HH HH UU UU TT TT LL EE SS SS HH HH UU UU TT TT LL EE SSSSSS HH HH UUUUUU TT TT LLLLLLLL EEEEEEEE Q: What does NASA stand for? A: Need Another Seven Astronauts. Q: What were Christie McAuliffe's last words? A: "What does this button do?" Q: What was the last communication from the Columbia? A: "Gimme a light...oops I mean a Bud Li..." Q: Did you hear that Christie McAuliffe changed her subject? A: She used to teach math, but now she's history. Q: What did the bumper sticker on the wreckage of the Challenger say when they brought it up? A: "If you can read this, thank a teacher." Q: How was the space shuttle like the New England patriots? A: For 72 seconds they were both flying high. Q: Did you know that Christie McAuliffe had blue eyes? A: One blew this way...one blew that way. Q: What did Christie McAuliffe say to her husband before the launch? A: "You feed the dog, I'll feed the fish". Q: Why is Coke the official drink of NASA? A: They can't get seven up. Q: What was Christie McAuliffe going to bring back for her students? A: A blow-up poster of the shuttle. Q: Where did Christie McAuliffe spend her winter vacation? A: All over Florida. CCCCCC HH HH EEEEEEEE RRRRRRR NN NN OOOOOO BBBBBB YY YY LL CC CC HH HH EE RR RR NNN NN OO OO BB BB YY YY LL CC HH HH EE RR RR NNNN NN OO OO BB BB YYYY LL CC HHHHHHHH EEEEE RRRRRRR NN NN NN OO OO BBBBBBB YY LL CC HH HH EE RR RR NN NNNN OO OO BB BB YY LL CC CC HH HH EE RR RR NN NNN OO OO BB BB YY LL CCCCCC HH HH EEEEEEEE RR RR NN NN OOOOOO BBBBBBB YY LLLLLLLL Q: What has feathers and glows in the dark? A: Chicken Kiev. Q: What's the most popular brand of sunglasses in Sweden? A: Ray-Bans Q: Did you hear about the Chernobyl worker who grew 5 penises? A: Now his pants fit him like a glove. Q: What did a Russian mother say to her son? A: "Stop picking your noses!" Q: Have you heard about the next generation of Scandinavians? A: Blond eyes and Blue hair. EEEEEEE TTTTTTTT HH HH IIII OOOOOO PPPPPPP IIII AA NN NN SSSSSS EE TT HH HH II OO OO PP PP II AAAA NNN NN SS SS EE TT HH HH II OO OO PP PP II AA AA NNNN NN SS EEEEE TT HHHHHHHH II OO OO PPPPPPP II AA AA NN NN NN SSSSSS EE TT HH HH II OO OO PP II AAAAAAAA NN NNNN SS EE TT HH HH II OO OO PP II AA AA NN NNN SS SS EEEEEEE TT HH HH IIII OOOOOO PP IIII AA AA NN NN SSSSSS Q: How many Ethiopians can you keep in your bathtub? A: None. They keep slipping down the drain. Q: How are an Ethiopian and a pair of jeans different? A: A pair of jeans only has one fly on it. Q: What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob? A: You know she'll swallow. Q: Did you hear about the Ethiopian who fell into a crocodile pit? A: Before they could pull him out he ate three of them. Q: What do you call an Ethiopian with a sesame seed on his head? A: A Quarter Pounder. Q: Hear about the Ethiopian who fell into a crocodile pit? A: Before they could pull him out he ate three of them. Q: What's the fastest animal in the world? A: An Ethiopian chicken. Q: How many Ethiopians can you fit in a VW? A: All of them. MM MM EEEEEEEE XX XX IIII CCCCCC AA NN NN SSSSSS MMM MMM EE XX XX II CC CC AAAA NNN NN SS SS MM MM MM EE XXXX II CC AA AA NNNN NN SS MM MM MM EEEEE XX II CC AA AA NN NN NN SSSSSS MM MM EE XXXX II CC AAAAAAAA NN NNNN SS MM MM EE XX XX II CC CC AA AA NN NNN SS SS MM MM EEEEEEEE XX XX IIII CCCCCC AA AA NN NN SSSSSS Q: How can you tell that a family of Pink Flamingos has moved in next door? A: By all of the plastic Mexicans in the front yard. Q: Have you heard about the Mexican 500 car race? A: The first car to start wins. Q: What do Mexicans call Bartle & James wine cooler? A: Dos Okies Q: What do you get when you cross a Mexican with an octopus? A: I don't know, but it can sure pick lettuce Q: What do you get when you cross a Mexican with an Oriental? A: A car thief who can't drive Q: Why don't Mexicans barbeque? A: Because the beans slip through the grill Q: What do you call a Mexican Baptism? A: Bean Dip Q: Why do Mexicans have re-fried beans? A: Have you ever heard of a Mexican doing anything right the first time? Q: How come the Mexican Army only used 600 Mexicans at the Alamo? A: Because they only had 2 cars. Q: Why do Mexicans have noses? A: So they have something to pick in the wintertime. Q: Why don't Mexicans have checking accounts? A: Because you can't sign a check, with a can spray paint. Q: What do you get when you mix a Mexican and a squirrel? A: A tree full of hubcaps. Q: Do you know why they don't let Mexicans in the fire department? A: Because they can't tell hose-a from hose-b! Q: Why are they using Mexicans instead of laboratory rats in experiments now? A: Mexicans breed faster and you don't get so attached to them. Q: When does a Mexican become a Spaniard? A: When he marries your daughter. Q: What do you get when you cross a Mexican and a pig? A: Nothing. There are some things even a pig won't do. Q: What's the name of Mexico's telephone company? A: "Taco Bell." Q: Why aren't there any swimming pools in Mexico? A: Because all the Mexicans who can swim are over here. Q: What do you call a doctor that does abortions on blacks and Mexicans? A: A "crime-stopper". Q: How do you get a Mexican pregnant? A: Come in her shoes and let the flies do the rest. Q: What do you call a Mexican with a vasectomy? A: A dry Martinez. Q: Why is semen white and pee yellow? A: So Mexicans can tell if they're coming or going. Q: How are Mexican children taught to put on their underwear? A: Brown in the back, yellow up front. Q: Did you hear about the lazy Mexican? A: He married a pregnant woman. Q: Why can't Mexicans have a bar-b-que? A: The beans keep slipping through the grill. Q: How come Mexicans use refried beans? A: Ever know a Mexican who did something right the first time? Q: What do you say to a Mexican in a three piece suit? A: "Will the defendant please rise...". Q: What do you call a Mexican midget? A: A speck. Q: What do they use in a Mexican baptism? A: Bean dip. Q: How does God make Mexicans? A: By sandblasting blacks. Q: What do you get when you cross a Mexican with a Chinese? A: A car thief that can't drive. Q: Why wasn't Christ born in Mexico? A: Because they couldn't find three wise men and a virgin. Q: How many Mexicans does it take to grease a car? A: One if you hit 'em right. LL AA WW WW YY YY EEEEEEEE RRRRRRR SSSSSS LL AAAA WW WW YY YY EE RR RR SS SS LL AA AA WW WW YYYY EE RR RR SS LL AA AA WW WW YY EEEEE RRRRRRR SSSSSS LL AAAAAAAA WW WW WW YY EE RR RR SS LL AA AA WW WW WW YY EE RR RR SS SS LLLLLLLL AA AA WW WW YY EEEEEEEE RR RR SSSSSS Q: What's the difference between lawyers and vultures? A: Lawyers accumulate frequent-flier points. Q: Did you hear about the scientist who was experimenting with rats? A: He switched to lawyers so he wouldn't form an emotional attachment. Q: What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A: A Doberman Pincher. Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a snake, dead on the highway? A: There are skid marks in front of the snake. Q: Why don't lawyers ever get eaten by sharks? A: Professional courtesy Q: What's the difference between a rooster and a lawyer? A: A rooster clucks defiance. Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? A: His lips are moving. Q: How do you save a lawyer from drowning? A: Who cares? SSSSSS TTTTTTTT UU UU PPPPPPP IIII DDDDDDD SS SS TT UU UU PP PP II DD DD SS TT UU UU PP PP II DD DD SSSSSS TT UU UU PPPPPPP II DD DD SS TT UU UU PP II DD DD SS SS TT UU UU PP II DD DD SSSSSS TT UUUUUU PP IIII DDDDDDD Q: Hear about the new movie about looking for your popcorn? A: Its called "The Hunt for RED-enbacher" Q: What do you call a psychic dwarf that just escaped from prison? A: A small Medium at large. Q: How do you communicate with a fish? A: You drop him a line. Q: Why was the guy fired from the orange juice factory? A: He couldn't concentrate. Q: If you are American in the kitchen - what are you in the bathroom ? A: European. Q: "Should I boil the new missionary?" asked the cannibal. A: "No" replied the chief, "He's a friar." Q: What did they award the man that invented the door knocker? A: The No-bell Prize. Q: Why is the ringling brothers circus so mind boggling? A: Because it's in tents! Q: What do you call a cross between an elephant and a rhinocerus? A: Elephino. Q: Why couldn't the bike make it up the hill? A: Because it was "two" tired! Q: Why do baby ducks walk softly? A: Because baby ducks can't walk, hardly. Q: Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? A: Great food, no atmosphere. Q: What happened to the butcher? A: He backed into a meat cutter and got a little behind in his work. Q: Why are soldiers so tired on April 1st? A: Because they just had a 31 day March! Q: What's invisible and smells like carrots? A: Bunny farts Q: If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside? A: K9P Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes? A: No eye deer. Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? A: Still no eye deer. Q: What do you call an obsession with goose feathers? A: Down Syndrome. Q: What do you call an obsession with fabric softener? A: Downey syndrome. Q: What do you get when you cross a cat and a pig? A: Sausage lynx Q: Where do cantaloups go for the summer? A: John Cougar's Mellencamp.. Q: What is "smore play"? A: It's what smurfs do before they smuck!!! Q: What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato? A: A dicktater. Q: Did you hear about the happy Roman? A: He was gladiator. Q: What did the potato chip say to the battery? A: If you're Eveready, I'm Frito Lay. Q: What's another name for pickled bread? A: Dill-dough Q: Did you hear about the optometrist that fell into his lens grinding machine? A: He made a spectacle of himself. Q: Why did the rubber fly across the room? A: It got pissed off. Q: What's the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman? A: Snowballs. Q: Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants? A: He heard the snowblower coming. Q: What did the egg say to the boiling water? A: "How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago!" Q: What's brown and sounds like a bell? A: Dung. Q: What's brown and has holes in it? A: Swiss shit. Q: Why does an Indian wear feathers on his head? A: To keep his wig-wam. Q: How do you make a kleenex dance? A: Blow a little boogie into it. Q: Why don't witches ever have babies? A: 'Cause warloks have hollow-weenies. Q: Why can't Gypsies have children? A: Because all the men have crystal balls. CCCCC EEEEEEE LL EEEEEEE BBBBB RRRRRR IIII TTTTTT IIII EEEEEEE SSSSS CC CC EE LL EE BB BB RR RR II TT II EE SS SS CC EE LL EE BB BB RR RR II TT II EE SS CC EEEE LL EEEE BBBBBB RRRRRR II TT II EEEE SSSSS CC EE LL EE BB BB RR RR II TT II EE SS CC CC EE LL EE BB BB RR RR II TT II EE SS SS CCCCC EEEEEEE LLLLLLL EEEEEEE BBBBBB RR RR IIII TT IIII EEEEEEE SSSSS Q: Did you hear about the new car being manufactured in San Francisco? A: It's called the "Hampster", the only problem is that it's difficult to get it out of "Gere". Q: What did Robert Wagner say to Natalie Wood the night she died? A: "OK honey, you can have a drink, but don't go overboard!" Q: What do the L.A. Dodgers have in common with Michael Jackson? A: They wear a glove on one hand for no apparent reason. Q: What's Billy Jean King's latest advertising sponsor? A: Strap on Tools of America Q: What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper? A: Getting fingered by Captain Hook Q: What's old, wrinkled and smells like Ginger? A: Fred Astair's face Q: What's green, and smells like pork? A: Kermit's finger Q: What do Billy Graham and the Houston Oilers have in common? A: They both can fill up the Astrodome, and in fifteen minutes, they both can have the crowd yelling Jesus Christ!! Q: What was John Lennon's last hit? A: The pavement. Q: What was Gary Hart's biggest mistake??? A: Not having Ted Kennedy drive Donna Rice home! Q: How did Capt. Hook die? A: Jock itch! Q: What is the definition of "Endless Love"? A: Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis! Q: What's the difference between Dan Quayle and Jane Fonda? A: Fonda spent more time in 'Nam. Q: What did Dan Quayle say when Marilyn Quayle blew in his ear? A: Thanks for the refill, Honey! Q: Why did George Bush win the election? A: Because Barbara's picture is on the $1 bill. Q: Did you hear that Salmon Rushdie is publishing his next book? A: Its called "Buddha, you fat fuck!" Q: Why did Yoko Ono call the exterminator? A: She found a dead Beatle on her door-step! Q: What were the last words of Mr. Ed, the talking horse? A: "A corpse is a corpse, of horse, of horse." Q: Why did Maria Schriver marry Arnold Schwartzeneggar? A: They're trying to breed a bullet-proof Kennedy. Q: Do you know why Nancy Reagan is always on top? A: Because Ronnie only knows how to screw up. Q: You've heard of Alzheimer's Disease but do you know what Waldheimer's disease is ? A: You forget that you used to be a Nazi. Q: What do Marilyn Quayle and Marion Berry (mayor of Washington, DC) have in common? A: They both like to blow a little dope! Q: Did you hear what Mickey Mouse got for his 60th birthday? A: A Dan Quayle watch. Q: What do Len Bias and Rock Hudson have in common? A: They both got a hold of some bad crack. Q: What's yellow, ugly and sleeps alone? A: Yoko Ono. Q: What would it take to reunite the Beatles? A: Three more bullets. Q: What was John Lennon's last hit? A: The pavement. Q: Why can't you take a crap at a Beatles concert? A: There's no John anymore. Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Richard Prior? A: One was burned by coke, the other by Pepsi. Q: What's fuzzy, smokes, and comes in cubes? A: Fidel Castro. Q: What's 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1? A: Bo Derrick getting older. Q: What's wrinkled and smells like Ginger? A: Fred Astaire's face. Q: Did you hear Karen Carpenter's brother's new song? A: "She Ain't Heavy, She's My Sister." Q: Why is Billy Jean King so good at tennis? A: Because she swings both ways. Q: What's worse than grease on Olivia Newton-John? A: "Come on Eileen." Q: Who is Billy Jean King's latest sponsor? A: "Snap-On Tools of America." Q: Did you hear that Princess Grace was on the radio? A: ...And on the dash board, the steering wheel, etc. Q: What did Princess Grace have that Natalie Wood could have used? A: A good stroke. Q: What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive? A: Popeye almost killed him. Q: What part of Popeye doesn't rust? A: The part he dips in Olive Oyl. Q: What do you have when you have a green ball in each hand? A: Kermit's undivided attention! Q: Which is better, Dolly Pardon's bra or Princess Di's douchebag? A: The latter: A royal flush always beats a pair. Q: How come Dolly Pardon has such small feet? A: Things don't grow well in the shade. Q: How can you spot Dolly Pardon's children in a crowd? A: They're the ones with the stretch marks on their lips. Q: How do you know when you're being mooned by Ronald McDonald? A: He's the one with the sesame seed buns. Q: What would Grace Kelly be doing if she were alive today? A: Clawing at the top of her coffin. Q: What did Abraham Lincoln said the morning after his wildest party? A: "I freed the what?" Q: Did you see Roman Polanski's new movie? A: Close Encounters With The Third Grade. Q: Where does the Lone Ranger take his garbage? A: "t'da dump, t'da dump, t'da dump dump dump." Q: What's big, savage, and goes "shhhhhhhhhhhhh". A: Conan the Librarian. LL IIII GGGGGG HH HH TTTTTTTT LL II GG GG HH HH TT LL II GG HH HH TT LL II GG HHHHHHHH TT LL II GG GGGG HH HH TT LL II GG GG HH HH TT LLLLLLLL IIII GGGGGG HH HH TT BBBBBB UU UU LL BBBBBB SSSSSS BB BB UU UU LL BB BB SS SS BB BB UU UU LL BB BB SS BBBBBBB UU UU LL BBBBBBB SSSSSS BB BB UU UU LL BB BB SS BB BB UU UU LL BB BB SS SS BBBBBBB UUUUUU LLLLLLLL BBBBBBB SSSSSS Q: How many McDonalds employees does it take to change a light bulb? A: "No habla Ingles" Q: How many surgeons does it take to change a lightbulb? A: "Why don't you just let us remove the entire socket - you don't need it, and it'll just give you trouble later." Q: How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three: One to write the light bulb removal program, One to write the light bulb insertion program, and One to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure that nobody else tries to change the bulb at the same time. Q: How many valley girls does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to open the diet Pepsi, the 2nd to call daddy. Q: How many Jewish mothers-in-law does it take to change a light bulb? A: "Oy Vey, my son doesn't love me, he has me living in the dark." Q: How many Southern Californians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Eleven. One to change the bulb, 5 to share the experience, and five to file the environmental impact statement. Q: How many Klingons does it take to change a light bulb? A: One to change the bulb, and one to kill him and take the credit. Q: How many Real Men does it take to change a light bulb? A: Real men aren't afraid of the dark. Q: How many Computer Programmers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Sorry, that's a hardware problem. Q: How many Computer hardware tech's does it take to change a light bulb? A: Gotta be a software problem. A: Gee, I never saw this model before. A: Hardware tech's don't change light bulbs, they install LED's. A: Sorry, I don't have that part on the truck, we'll have to order it from the factory - It'll take 4 weeks as they're on strike. Q: How many Psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? A: One, but it takes a long time and the light bulb has to really want to change. Q: How many White House staffers does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. They like to keep Ronnie in the dark. Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: "None of your %@$!^# business!" Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but the bulb has to WANT to change. Q: How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, the bulb will change itself when it is ready. Q: How many Pygmies does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. But they have to be very, VERY, small! Q: How many people from California does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Californians don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in hot tubs. Q: How many programmers does it take to replace a light bulb? A: None, that's obviously a hardware problem. Q: How many Poles does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Five, one to hold the bulb, and four to turn the ladder. Q: How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the experience. Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Five. One to change the bulb and four more to chase off the Californians who have come up to relate to the experience. Q: How many W.A.S.P.s does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis. Q: How many `Real Men' does it take to change a light bulb? A: None: `Real Men' aren't afraid of the dark. Q: How many `Real Women' does it take to change a light bulb? A: None: A 'Real Woman' would have plenty of real men around to do it. Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. ("That's all right...I'll just sit here in the dark...") Q: How many Polacks does it take to change a light bulb? A: Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on strike! Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution. Q: How many straight San Franciscans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Both of them. Q: How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Billions and billions. Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools. Q: How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of light bulbs! Q: What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb? A: You can unscrew a light bulb. Q: How many gays does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to screw it in and the other to say "Fabulous." Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it. Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three. One to change the light bulb, one to be a witness, and the third to shoot the witness. Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. It turned itself in. Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years. Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A: How many can you afford? Q: How many football players does it take to change a light bulb? A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it! Q: How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb? A: One third less than for a regular bulb. Q: How many Harvard students does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Just one. He holds the light bulb and the universe revolves around him. Q: How many efficiency experts does it take to replace a light bulb? A: None. Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs. Q: How many Necrophiliacs does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, Necrophiliacs prefer dead bulbs. Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done. Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three, but they're really only one. Q: How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb? A: One, but it takes at least three light bulbs. Q: How many Feminists does it take to change a light bulb? A: That's not funny!!! Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself. Q: How many supply-side economists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in. Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two: one to change the bulb and one not to change it. Q: How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was. Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb? A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A ...... consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks". Q: How many A: 10. One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder. Q: How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. There never *was* any light bulb. Q: How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: What kind of answer did you have in mind? Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to assure the everything possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet. Q: How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb? A: "Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000" Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight. Q: How many Christian Scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old one to go back on. Q: How many Chinese Red Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 10,0000 - to give the bulb a cultural revolution. Q: How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two, one to screw it in, and another to repent. Q: How many survivors of a nuclear war does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None; people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * END OF FILE * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * This file contains humor which some may find offensive. The * * jokes hereafter do not in any way represent the opinion of * * the collector. This collection is intended to amuse only, * * and not to insult or imply meaning. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * (Updated 11/6/90) This fellow wishes to join an exclusive African lion-hunters club. Actually, the club's members consist entirely of aging Englishmen, who never do any hunting, and whose only enjoyment comes when some silly sod wants to join. On the night of the initiation, all of the members sit beneith the African sky around three identical grass huts. The club's founder begins to speak: "To become one of use, you must pass the test of the three huts. In the first hut, there is a bottle of whiskey that must be consumed. In the second, there is a Bengal tiger with a bad tooth that must be removed. In the third, there is an amourous woman that must be satisfied." With only a lion's skin to wear, the man marches into the first hut, and, after a minute of gulping noises, comes staggering out and barely makes his way in to the second. Within seconds, the hut begins shaking as fur flies in all directions, and screams can be heard from both man and beast within. After another moment of silence, the man emerges from the second hut, bleeding, and covered from head-to-toe with thousand of scratches. He strains his eyes at the concerned looking crowd of old men and asks "Now where's this woman with the bad tooth?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A couple are lying in bed one night when the husband turns to his wife and begins to kiss her and stroke her skin. "Oh honey, I can't tonight," the wife apologizes, "I have a gynocologist appointment tomorrow." The man turns over a sulks for awhile. Suddenly, the man turns over and asks "Honey, you don't happen to have a dentist appointment tomorrow, do you?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A man goes to his doctor for his yearly checkup. The doctor instructs him to give a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample. "Gee, I'm in kind of a hurry Doc," the man says, "can I just leave a pair of my underwear?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ This guy starts getting these headaches that progressively worsen until he can't eat, sleep, or work. After an extensive examination, the doctor tells him that they can cure the headaches, but that it will require an operation where they remove both of his testicles. The man eventually realizes that he simply can't continue with the headaches, so he reluctantly agrees. Upon awaking after the operation, there is no trace of the headaches. He checks out of the hospital, feeling like he has been reborn. In order to celebrate, he decides to go into a fancy men's shop, and treat himself to the most expensive imported suit they have. The old man in the shop, having gotten an idea of what the man would like, starts off to find him a suit. "Wait," the man says, "you don't even know my measurements yet." The old man explains that he's been working in the garment industry all his life, and can tell a person's measurements just by looking at him. To prove it, the old man starts rattling off measurements - "33 waist, 32 inseam, 16 neck, 34 sleeve, 32 underwear." "Correct on everything but the underwear," the man says admiringly, "I wear size 30." "No way," the old man says confidently, "32 underwear is definitely your size, I'm sure." "Look," the man says, a little irritated, "I ought to know what size underwear I wear." The old man interrupts him, yelling "IF YOU WORE SIZE 30 UNDERWEAR, YOU'D HAVE THE MOST EXCRUCIATINGLY PAINFUL HEADACHES!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ The caretaker of a golfcorse is having difficulty with unreliable help, so he decides to splurge and get four very expensive groundskeeping robots to do the work. The robots are so efficient that soon, everyone is complementing management about the fine state of the golf course. Every hedge is neatly trimmed, every leaf raked up, every tree pruned, hardly a blade of grass is out of place on the whole green. The manager calls the caretaker into his office, and compliments him on his fine choice of help. "One thing though," the manager says, "some of the patrons have complained about the glare from the sunlight reflecting off the robots' polished metal bodies. "No problem," the caretaker replies, he makes a quick trip to the hardware store, buys several gallons of flat black paint, and paints the four robots from head to toe. The next day, three of the robots don't show up for work, and the fourth one robs the pro shop. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ This city-slicker goes out to the country and visits a county fair. While he's there, he decides to buy a small pig. He goes to a farmer and asks how much the piglets are. "Five bucks a pound mister," the farmer says, "just pick one out that you like. Having made his selection, the farmer bends down, puts the little pig's tail in his mouth, and lifts the pig off the ground. The farmer bobs up and down a few times, then puts the pig down and says "fourteen and a quarter pounds at five bucks a pound...that'll be seventy one twenty five." "You must think I'm pretty stupid to fall for that routine, why don't you go and get a proper scale" the man asks. The farmer replies that there aren't any in town, and that he and his family provide weighing services to all the townfolk. The city-slicker doesn't buy this, so the farmer calls his son out. The little boy puts the piglet's tail in his mouth, picks him up, bobs up and down, and says "I reckon fourteen and a quarter pounds dad." The farmer tells the kid to go get his mother, saying "she'll give you precisely the same measurement." While the boy is gone, the farmer explains how the family is known far-and-wide for their accuracy. "Yep, we're calibrated once yearly by the local weights and measures beureau..." Minutes later, the little boy returns alone. "What happened," the farmer asks, "where's your mom?" "She can't come right now, pop" the boy replies, "she's busy weighing the postman." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ In Heaven: the cooks are French, the policemen are English, the mechanics are German, the lovers are Italian and the bankers are Swiss. In Hell: the cooks are English, the policemen are German, the mechanics are French, the lovers are Swiss and the bankers are Italian. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ This guy walks into a bar for the first time, and he's sitting around drinking. Some of the old timers are telling jokes. One of them says "Seventeen" and the other old timers all roar with laughter. A little later, another of 'em says "Thirty-Two" and again, they all laugh and holler. Well, the new guy can't figure out what's going on, so he asks one of the locals next to him "What're these old-timers doin'?" The local says "Well, they've been hangin' around together so long they all know all the same jokes, so to save extra talkin' they've given 'em all numbers." The new fellow says "That's mighty clever! I think I'll try that." So he stands up and says in a loud voice "Nineteen!" Silence; everybody just looks at him, but nobody laughs. Embarrassed, he sits down again, and asks the local fellow "What happened? Why didn't anyone laugh?" The local says "Well, son, ya just didn't tell it right..." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 3 boys, 1 black and 2 whites and all 3rd-graders, are playing after school. As 3rd-graders tend to do, inevitably they start discussing who has the biggest one (if you know what I mean...). To settle the matter, they agree to determine this once and for all by means of comparison. It turns out in favor of the black boy, who self-confidently boasts that this of course is because he's black. He runs home to tell his mother : "Mom, Mom, guess what! We compared our pee-pee's at the playground today, and I had the biggest one!! That's because I'm black, right?" "No honey... that's because you're nineteen..." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Some guys are trading increadible stories in a bar when one of them pulls a miniature grand piano out of his pocket and sets it down on the bar. Next he produces a little man about a foot high from his other pocket and sets him down on the bar. The tiny man sits down at the piano, and immediately starts playing the minute waltz. Upon the insistance of the other patrons in the bar, the man tells how he was walking on the beach when he spotted a bottle that had washed up on shore. Once open, the bottle produced a cloud of green smoke from which appeared a genie. The genie promised the man that he could have anything that he wanted. "But he must of been hard of hearing" the man said sadly, "'cause he gave me this twelve-inch pianist!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Bill goes to a fertility clinic. "The first thing we need", says the doctor, "is a sperm sample". He gives Bill a bottle and directs him to room four. Bill goes down the hall, opens the door to room four and finds two absolutely gorgeous women dressed in scanty lingerie. They procede to arouse him beyond his wildest dreams, and in a few minutes, he heads back down the hall with a big smile and a full bottle. Realizing he had to pee, he opens the door to the first bathroom he comes across, only to interrupt a guy frantically masturbating with a copy of Playboy. In the second bathroom a fellow was doing the same thing with a Penthouse centerfold. Back in the doctor's office, Bill asks the doctor about the two other fellows. "Oh, those guys?" asked the doctor dismissively. "Those're my Medicaid patients." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ This guy goes skydiving for the first time. After he jumps out of the plane, he counts to ten, pulls the ripcoard, and nothing happens. Only a little worried, he pulls the cord for the auxilliary parachute, but unfortunately, the chute still does not appear. As he is plummeting toward the Earth, he sees a woman coming up the other way. He shouts to her "Do you know anything about parachutes?" "No", she says, "do you know anything about gas stoves?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "You should be ashamed," the father told his son, "When Abraham Lincoln was your age, he used to walk ten miles every day to get to school." "Really?" the kid said. "Well when he was your age, he was president." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A young married couple has difficulties conceiving a baby, so after a while the wife consults her doctor, who recommends the minor of 3 possible operations. The operation is performed, but a month later, she's still not pregnant, so she goes to see the doctor again. This time he recommends the medium operation, a somewhat more serious operation, but still not as complicated as the 3rd alternative. But there's still no result, and another month later she's back in the doctors office, and this time she gets the big one. After having recovered in some weeks, the couple resumes normal marital activities, and this time they actually succeed in conceiving a baby. Filled with joy, the young wife now see's the doctor for the regular examination during pregnancy: "We're so happy doctor, we're finally having a baby. But what was this 3rd operation actually all about? the first two weren't that bad, but this last one I think must have been quite a job, I was dizzy for weeks after?" "Well" the doctor replies, "Since the first two standard operations failed, we started suspecting your methods, rather than your ability, so I made a connection from your throat to your uterus!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A famous hypnotist was performing in a large auditorium full of people one night. He began to speak in a soft and steady voice over the loud- speaker system. "Listen to the sound of my voice...", he kept repeating, "the sound of my voice... every word is a command... the sound of my voice..." Pretty soon, he had every single person in the audience completely mesmerized, each one hanging on his every word. Needing to take a quick piss, he announced "I will have to leave the stage for a moment, but you will all remain in a trance while I am gone" And then he repeated the words "the sound of my voice... every word is a command." As he turned to go, he tripped over the microphone cord, landed on his ass, and yelled "SHIT!". ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A little withered old man walks into a timber company office, and applies for a job as a lumberjack. The foreman politely tries to talk him out of the idea. After all, he is old, small, and apparently much too weak to fell trees. The old man picks up an axe and walks over to a huge redwood. As he goes to work, a high-pitched whine comes from the axe, chips of wood fly everwhere, and the odor of burning wood fills the air. In record time, the old man is finished chopping down the tree. "That's just astounding," the forman says, "wherever did you learn to chop down trees like that?" "Well now," the old man smiles, "have you ever heard of the Sahara Forest?" "You mean the Sahara Desert." "Sure, that's what it's called NOW..." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ This guy buys a parrot. Every morning he stands in front of the cage and asks in a pleasant voice "Can you talk?" This goes on for weeks with absolutely no response from the bird. Finally one morning, totally fed up, he shouts "CAN YOU TALK, YOU STUPID CREATURE? CAN YOU TALK?" The bird looks him in the eye and says "I can talk, all right. Can you fly?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Young Charlie is having trouble with his first grade addition homework, so his father decides to help. He teaches the Charlie how to add small numbers by counting on his fingers. Eventually, the little boy becomes quite good. "But remember," the father says, "you can't use your fingers in school -- you'll have to do it in your head." The next day at school, the teacher calls on Charlie and asks him "what is five plus five?" Charlie starts to raise his hands, but remembering what his father said, hides them in his pockets. After a few seconds of counting, Charlie announces "Eleven!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ They're making a new movie about Dan Quayle's military career. It's going to be called "FULL DINNER JACKET" Did you hear about the Polock who studied five days for a urine test? Did you hear about the Polock who thought asphalt was a rectal problem? HUMAN CANNONBALL: "That does it, I quit!" CIRCUS MANAGER: "But where will I ever find another man of your caliber?" HE: Jeez, this coffee tastes like mud! SHE: That's funny, it was ground this morning. HE: What would you do if you found a million dollars? SHE: Well, if it was a poor person who lost it, I'd return it. HE: "Have you been eating cake lately?" SHE: "No, why?" HE: "It's just that you look so crummy..." HE: "What's the difference between my cock and a corned-beef sandwich?" SHE: "I don't know." HE: "Would you like to come over for dinner tonight?" HE: "Do you like cocktails?" SHE: "Sure, tell me some." HE: "Would you go to bed with someone for a million dollars?" SHE: "Well, I guess so" HE: "Would you go to bed with someone for two dollars?" SHE: "What kind of a girl do you think I am?" HE: "We've already established that, now we're setting price." GUEST: Do lemons have wings? HOST: What? GUEST: I said, do lemons have wings? HOST: Of course not. GUEST: Oh my god, I think I just squeezed your canary into my drink! Q: Hear about the guy who complained to a friend that his wife had cut him down to twice a week. A: The friend said, "Hell that's not so bad, I know two guys she's cut out entirely!" I've got a joke that'll make you laugh 'til your tits fall off! Oh... I see you've already heard it. Q: What do you call someone who speaks two languages? A: Bi-lingual. Q: What do you call someone who speaks three languages? A: Tri-lingual. Q: What do you call someone who speaks only one language? A: An American. DOCTOR: I've got some bad news and I've got some really bad news. PATIENT: Give me the bad news first. DOCTOR: Well, you have about twenty-four hours to live I'm afraid. PATIENT: That's terrible, what's the really bad news? DOCTOR: I've been trying to call you since yesterday... A 5-year old boy and his dad are visiting the zoo, in their bi-weekly weekend together. Standing in front of the elephant-cage, the boy asks his father:"Dad, what is that big thing hanging down from between the elephants legs? I asked mom the last time we were here, but she just said "Oh that thing...- well, that is..., that is nothing". The dad says, "Son, I told you, I have spoilt that woman..." An Australian hooker goes into a tavern, empty, except for a lone Koala bear sitting at the bar. She walks up and asks if he would like to spend the night with her. He agrees and they both go back to her place. On the way, she asks if Koala bears are really as good with their tongues as rumor says. He replies that they are indeed. They make love all night long, and in the morning, the Koala thanks her and turns to go. "Just a minute buddy, that'll be 100 bucks." she says. "Koalas never pay", he explains calmly. "I'm a prostitute, I make my living this way, you owe me 100 dollars!" she says, but his reply is the same; "Koalas never pay". Finally, in desperation, she gets a dictionary from the shelf, looks up "prostitute", and shows him: "See? prostitute: One who takes payment for sexual favors." The Koala takes the book flips to the Ks: "koala: Australian marsupial, eats bushes and leaves" A white guy, a black guy, and a Mormon are talking one day. The black guy says "I've got four kids; one more, and I'll have a basketball team." The white guy says "I've got ten kids; one more, and I'll have a football team." The Mormon says "I've got seventeen wives; one more, and I'll have a golf course!" This guy walks into a bar, carrying a crocodile and a chicken. He sets them down on the stool next to him, and says to the (uncertain-looking) bartender "I'll have a Scotch and Soda." Then the crocodile says "And I'll have a Whiskey Sour." The (dumbfounded) bartender gasps "That's incredible; I've never seen a crocodile that could talk!" And the guy says "He can't; the chicken is a ventriloquist." A blind man and his dog go into the supermarket and then the blind man takes his dog by the collar and starts to swing him around over his head, knocking things off the shelves. The manager comes up to the blind man and asks "excuse me sir, can I help you?" the blind man answers "no thanks, I'm just looking around". A forman was assigned three new workers; two big strong local men, and a little guy from Japan. Because of their size, the foreman gave the two locals the digging work, and told the Japanese man "You'll be in charge of supplies." After an hour or so, the forman came back to check on their progress only to find the two locals sitting down doing nothing. "What happened? Why aren't you at work?" The men replied that their tools were broken and that the Japanese man in charge of supplies, had disappeared. Worried, the foreman ordered the two men outside the mine to help look for the little guy. Just when they were about to give up the search, the Japanese guy jumps up from behind a rock and yells "Supplies!!" God and St. Peter were playing golf one day. St. Peter teed his ball up and hit it. It was a real nice shot about three hundred yards down the fairway. Then God teed his ball up. He took a big swing and hit it. At first it looked like a real nice shot. Then all of a sudden, it hooked and started for the woods. Just before it went into the woods, a bird flew out and grabbed the ball and flew over the water trap and let it go. Just before it went into the water, a turtle surfaced. The ball landed on it's back as he swam to the shore. Just as the turtle got to the shore, a squirrel ran out of the woods and grabbed the ball. Then the squirrel ran up on the green and dropped the ball in the cup. St. Peter turned to God and said, "Are we gonna play golf, or are you gonna fuck around!!" This elephant was walking through the jungle one day when she got a thorn in her foot. The further she walked, the more sore it got. After a while she started to limp. After a while, this ant walks up and asks, "Hey, what's the matter?" The elephant answers, "I've got this thorn in my foot and I would do anything to get it out." The ant says, "Anything? Would you let me butt fuck you?" The elephant thought about it for a minute and decided what the hell. How bad could an ant be? So she agreed. The ant started pulling on the thorn and sure enough, he got it out. True to her word, the elephant laid down on her side and moved her tail out of the way. The ant crawled up on her and started going to town. This monkey was up in a tree watching this. He couldn't quite believe his eyes. He started laughing and rolling around in the tree. Then he knocked a coconut out of the tree that went down and hit the elephant right between the ears. The elephant moaned loudly in pain, "Awwoooohhhhh!" The ant yelled at the top of his voice, "Take it all bitch, take it all !!!!!!" This guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. As the bartender serves the drink, the guy asks, "Hey, I heard a good Aggie joke the other day. Do you want to hear it?" The bartender says, "Well before you tell it, I should warn you that I'm an Aggie. See those two guys at the end of the bar? They're Aggies. And see those guys over at that table. They're Aggies too. Are you sure you want to tell that joke?" The guy replied, "Hell no! I don't want to explain it five times......." John and Mary were lying in bed one night. John turns to Mary and says "Do you know what's wrong with you? Your tits are too small and your hole is too tight!" to which she replies "GET OFF MY BACK" A guy goes to a doctor and says 'i think i got aids' doc says tests'll take a few days come back next week...guy comes back and the doc says 'sorry, you got aids' guy says 'oh god, i don't wanna die! is there any thing i can do? doc says ' okay, go to Mexico...find the tallest mountain and climb it...on that mountain, find the most stagnant pool of water you can and drink three cups...then go down the mountain and find a small city and eat three of the greasiest enchiladas you can find...drink three Mexican beers and get a hotel room and wait for results...guy says 'this will cure me!?!???' doc says 'no, but you'll find out what your asshole was made for' A bear went into a bar and ordered a beer. He gave the bartender a twenty and the bartender went to the other end of the bar to put the money in the register. The second bartender whispered to the first, "He's a bear, what does he know, shortchange him." The first bartender brings the bear $10 in change. A little while later the bartender starts talking to the bear and mentions, "We don't get many bears in this bar." The bear replies, "I'm not surprised, at $10 a beer I sure won't be back again.... A bear walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender replies, "Sorry, we don't serve no beer to no bears in this bar. The bear asks again and is again told, "We don't serve no beer to no bears in this bar." The bear then says, "See that lady at the end of the bar. If you don't sell me a beer I'm going to eat her." The bartender again replies, "We don't serve no beer to no bears in this bar." The bear eats the lady comes back to the other end of the bar and says, " Now will you sell me a beer?" The bartender responds, "We don't serve no beer to no bears in this bar, especially no bears on drugs." Indignantly, the bear says, "What do you mean on drugs?" The bartender answers, "Well, that was a Bar Bitch You Ate!" A young man and woman have only been married for two days. One night, just as they are getting ready to go to bed, they hear a noise in the backyard, kind of like a vacuum cleaner in reverse. They put on their robes and run outside, there, hovering over the lawn is a flying saucer. It lands, and two tall, beautiful silver aliens get out. Obviously a male and a female, and according to earth standard, quite beautiful. They explain to the newlyweds that they need to stay overnight to effect repairs to their ship. The young couple agrees, and invite the aliens in for a snack. The aliens agree, but say that it would only be sociable to then invite the newlyweds for a snack. "We will invite you aboard our spacecraft, but you must abide by our customs. You must stay the night, and it is only courteous that we change partners for the night." The newlyweds talk it over and agree. That night, the wife is with the male alien. He undresses and she stares at his perfect body. Then her gaze crosses his groin, and a look of disappointment comes over her. "Is there something wrong?" asks the alien. "Well, you seem so ... uh... small." "No problem," replies the alien, he twists his ear and his organ grows longer. The woman still seems disappointed. She indicates she would like the alien to be "wider." He twists the other ear and grows wider. The next morning over breakfast, the wife tells her husband what a wonderful night she had with the alien, and that she can hardly wait to share some of the techniques with her husband the next night. "Honey, how was your night?" she asks. "Terrible." he said. "The female alien was truly beautiful, but all she did was twist my ears all night long." This guy had three lovely girlfriends, and he couldn't decide which one to marry. So he gave each of them $500 to see what they would do with the money. The first one took the $500 and came back all excited and out of breath. "Honey", she said, "I had a wonderful time with the money. I went out and bought jewelry and clothes, and had a terrific time. Thank you so much." The second one took the $500 and came back and said. "Darling, all I could think of was you and how much I love you. So here is $500 worth of presents just for you to show you how much I think of you." The third one took the $500 and came back and said. "Well, I took the $500 and invested it and turned it into $3,000,so here is your original $500 and we will split the difference. Which one did he marry? The one with the big tits (nothing ever changes). Two men were walking in the park when they came upon this dog that had bent itself into a weird position and was licking its balls. One man said, "Gee! I wish I could do that." The other man replied, "I think you better get to be friends first." Two guys wandered into a bar. One of the men shouted to the barkeeper,"Hiya, Mike. Set 'em up for me and my pal here." Then he turned to his slightly dim partner and boasted, "This is a great bar. For every two drinks you buy, the house gives you one. And the pinball machines in the back are free!" "That's not so great, "responded the friend. "There's a bar across town That'll match you drink for drink, and you can get laid in the back for free." "Where is this place?" the first guy exclaimed. "Oh, I don't know," the dim fellow replied, "but my wife goes there all the time." A woman walked into a bar carrying a duck under her arm. The local drunk saw this and asked, "Say there, whatcha doin' with that pig?" "That's not a pig, stupid!" she said coldly."That's a duck." "I know," replied the drunk. "I was talking to the duck." Three guys - a Frenchman, a German and a Polack, were sitting in a bar. In walked a mean looking black guy looking for a fight. He sat down, ordered a beer, took a drink, went over and slapped the Frenchman and said, "I like fucking white women." The Frenchman looked at him and thought,"Well,that's great." Then the big black guy went over to the German, hit him on the shoulder and said, "I like fucking white women." The German looked at him and said, "Good for you." The black guy sat down and took another drink of his beer. He got up, walked over to the Polack and belted him on the back, then said, "I like fucking white women." The Polack sat and thought for a second and finally said, "I don't blame you. I don't like fucking those black ones either." A woman walks up to the bar and asks the bartender for a beer. In a quandary the bartender replies, "Anhauser Busch?" The woman answered, "fine and how's your dick?" Off in the hill country the old man was sitting on his porch with his shotgun across his knees waiting for his three daughters' dates to come pick them up. The first one came and said to him, "Hello, I'm Bill. I'm here to pick up Jill. We're going to walk up the hill" The old man told them to have a good time. The next boy came up and said, "Hello, I`m Eddie. I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going to eat spaghetti." The old man wished them well and off they went. The third boy came up to the cabin and said, "Hello, I'm Chuck" and the old man shot him. A guy from Georgia enrolled at Harvard and on his first day there was walking across the campus and asked an upperclassman (drawling heavily),"Excuse me, can you tell me where the library is at?" The upperclassman responded, "At Harvard we do not end sentences with prepositions." The Georgian then replied, "Well then, could you tell me where the library is at, asshole?" A man went to the doctor and said in a very deep gravely voice, "doctor is there anything you can do for my voice?" The doctor examined him, and noticed that he had a 14-inch cock. The doctor said, "I think the problem is that your penis is too large." "Can you help me?" said the man. "No problem," the doctor said, "we'll just cut it off!" The man's voice returned to normal, but his sex life was over. The man called the doctor and asked him if he could get his dick sewn back on. The doctor said in a deep gravely voice, "Gee I'd like to but I don't know where it is!" There's a new stamp out to commemorate prostitutes. It's a 22-cent stamp -- unless you want to lick it. Then, it's a dollar. Tarzan and Jane came to New York and were being interviewed. A reporter said, 'Tarzan, what is your wife's name?' Tarzan replied, "Jane.' The reporter then said, 'No, what is her whole name?' Tarzan answered, 'Pussy' So this woman is at a supermarket and she sees the boxboy while going through the checkout line and she's hot for him. She's got to figure out how to let him know. Aha. Her bags are packed and she asks the boxboy if he'll help her take her bags out to her car. So they're out on the lot and she says to him, "I have an itchy pussy." And he replies, "Look lady, you'll have to point it out, all those Japanese cars look the same to me." A man goes to the doctor and is told he has only six hours to live. He rushes home and tells his wife and then says lets make love. They do and then they fall asleep. A couple of hours later he wakes up and says,"Honey, let's do it again."They do and again after a very brief nap he says to her, "Honey, how about doing it one more time?" She replies, "Aw come on, I have to get up in the morning, You don't!" a Deaf mute walks into pharmacy, wanting to buy condoms. He has difficulty communicating with pharmacist, and cannot see condoms on shelf. Frustrated, deaf-mute unzips his pants, places his "member" on the counter, and puts down a dollar next to it. Pharmacist comes around counter, places his own "member" on the counter next to deaf-mute's. Since pharmacist's organ is larger, he picks up the dollar and puts it in his pocket. Exasperated, deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language. "Look," the pharmacist says, "if you can't afford to lose, you shouldn't bet." A man goes to his psychiatrist and explains that on Monday through Thursday he feels like a TeePee and on Friday through Sunday he feels like a Wigwam. The psychiatrist explains, "Your problem is obvious, you're two tents." The floor manager of the Men's Department at May Company notices that a large crowd has gathered around the tie section and that there seems to be quite a disturbance brewing. He rushes over and breaks through the crowd to discover a blind man swinging his seeing-eye dog around over his head by the dog's tail. At a loss for what to do, he runs to the man's side and says, "Sir! Sir! What's wrong? Can I help you?" Whereupon the blind man replies, "No, thanks. I'm just looking around!" Good news and bad news: The Good News: They finally found Rock Hudson's long-lost wallet! The bad news:.....Your picture was in it! The youngest son of a great Indian chief went to his father and asked "Oh father, how did you choose the names for your three children?" The great chief replied "My son, when your older brother was born, the first sight I saw after the moment of his birth was a bear running through the woods; so I named him running-bear. The morning your sister was born, the first sight I saw was a beautiful star, so I named her morning-star. But why do you ask me such a question, two-dogs-fucking?" Many years ago, there was a gathering of Indian tribes from all over. While the Braves were busy doing war dances, some of the squaws gathered together to do their chores in company and to compare their children. Near a bend in the river, three squaws spread hides and sat together to chat. The first squaw sat on the hide of a buffalo. She had only one son. The second squaw sat on the hide of a mountain lion. She had three sons. The last squaw sat on the hide of a hippopotamus. She had four sons. All this goes to prove..... That the sons of the squaw of the hippopotamus are equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides. A PLUMBER WAS CALLED TO FIX A PIPE. HE ARRIVED, BANGED ON THE PIPES FOR 15 MINUTES, AND SAID TO THE HOMEOWNER, WELL THAT'LL BE $35. THE HOMEOWNER SAID"THIRTY FIVE DOLLARS!!!!- WHY THAT'S $140 PER HOUR!! I'M A LAWYER AND I ONLY MAKE $100 AN HOUR!!" THE PLUMBER REPLIED, "YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I GOT WHEN I WAS A LAWYER" Some small-time crooks decided that people were so stupid that they would accept 18 dollar bills if somebody gave then any. So they carefully made some plates and printed some up, and went to a small town to try them out. They got up to a shopkeeper and talked for awhile, then casually said "Say, can you give me change for an 18 dollar bill?" "Sure" said the old shopkeeper. "What would you like, three 6's or two 9's?" A gorilla escapes from the zoo and after 3 weeks, the zoo keepers give up looking for him. Some time later, a man calls the zoo complaining of a gorilla in a tree in his back yard. The zoo keeper rushes right over. When he arrives, he has a net, a baseball bat, a shotgun, and a Dachshund. The man asks what the items are for. He's told, "I'm gonna climb the tree and hit the gorilla in the head with the baseball bat. When he falls out of the tree, you throw the net over him, and the Dachshund will go straight for his balls." The man asks, "But what's the shotgun for?" The zoo keeper answers, "If I miss the gorilla and fall out of the tree, you shoot the Dachshund." Mikhail Gorbachev woke up one morning feeling great. He walked to his window, saw the sun coming up and crowed, "Good morning, sun!" As he turned away, he was startled to hear a great, booming voice say, "Good morning, Comrade. Good morning to you and the great Union of Soviet Socialist Republics." Gorbachev quickly woke Raisa and his closest aides, took them to the window and said, "Good morning, Comrade sun." Again the voice boomed, "Good morning, Comrade. Good morning to you and to the rest of the glorious party." Gorbachev sat down to his day's work, convinced he was destiny's child. Later, as the sun was setting, he walked to the window and said, "Good evening to you, Comrade sun." When no response came, he repeated the salutation again and again, growing increasingly impatient with the silence. "Sun! I'm talking to you!" he suddenly screamed. "F**k you, a**h*le! the voice thundered back. "I'm in the West now!" "Make it a double, Joe," the dejected man told the bartender. "I just got the shock of my life. I caught my wife screwing my best friend." "Paul, that's awful. What did you do?" "I hit him in the nose with a newspaper and sent him to bed with no Kibbles N Bits." The Ideal Wife should be beautiful, but not so beautiful that people think you married her only for her beauty. And The Ideal Wife should be wealthy, but not so wealthy that people think you married her only for her money. And The Ideal Wife should be gentle, but not so gentle that she can't suck a tennis ball through a fifty-foot garden hose. A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes. Well, when the man sat down in the examination room, he noticed that there were three items on a stand next to the doctor's desk: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer. When the doctor came in, the man said, "Look Doc, this is my first exam... I know what the K-Y is for... and I know what the glove is for... but what's the BEER for?" At this instant, the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. The Doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse, "Dammit all!!! I said `a BUTT LIGHT'!!!" A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four". Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return. This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!". Again, there's a bright flash...and his legs fall off. This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a girl wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks: "How do you get into those pants?". The young woman looks him over and replies: "Well, you could start by buying me a drink...". The gang was hanging out at the local bar one day when in walked an attractive young lady. She goes up to the bar and orders a shot of whiskey. She then downs her drink and passes out on the floor. Not to miss an opportunity like this, the bartender closes the door, and he and his three friends take the lady into the back room, and take turns fucking her. Upon finishing, they dressed her and put her in one of the booths where she soon wakes up, completely oblivious to recent events. The next day, the girl returns to the same bar and repeats her order for a shot of whiskey. Again she passes out, but this time, about a dozen of the bar patrons take part. When she awakens, she still has no idea of the role she has played in the days entertainment. Soon the word gets out, and sure enough, when the young lady returns to the bar the next day, there are about 30 men waiting anxiously for her to order, and then finish her drink. As she approaches the bar, the bartender holds up her shot glass and says, "Here's your shot of whiskey, ma'am." She shakes her head and says, "Better make it a beer, mister. Whiskey tends to make my pussy ache." A guy in a restaurant says to the waitress "I want a cup of coffee without cream." The waitress comes back a few minutes later and says "I'm sorry, but we're all out of cream. Would you mind taking your coffee without milk?" Two guys go into a small diner for breakfast, the waitress comes up and asks for their order. "I'll have two eggs over easy, toast, and juice." the first man says. "And I'll have two eggs scrambled, toast, and juice in a clean glass" says the other. The waitress comes some time later and asks "...now who gets the clean glass?" A young black couple are watching TV when their child speaks for the first time, saying "MOTHER". With excitement, the father exclaims "Did you hear that honey? Our son just said half a word!". A guy and his friend are killed in a car accident. They both arrive at the pearly gates together. Saint Peter first guides the one man to a stunning blond woman and says "she is your partner for eternity." Then Saint Peter returns, looks over his list of the other man's sins and trespasses. He proclaims, "you sir, must pay for your sins! and with that, leads the man to this grotesquely overweight woman with limp stringy hair and a greasy face. "This isn't fair! the man exclaims, "I admit that I haven't been without sin in my life, but my friend over there cheats at cards, never goes to church, and beats his wife. Why does he get HER as a partner?". To this Saint Peter replies, "She has to pay for her sins too, you know." ONE DAY, A POLISH MAN WAS NUDE SUNBATHING ON HIS ROOF. HE GOT A BAD SUNBURN ALL OVER! THAT NIGHT, HIS GIRLFRIEND CAME OVER. AND WHILE THEY WERE FUCKING, HIS DICK STARTED TO HURT. WELL, SINCE MILK IS GOOD FOR SUNBURN, HE POURED A GLASS AND STUCK HIS DICK IN IT. A FEW MINUTES LATER, HIS GIRLFRIEND WALKED OUT, SAW HIM, AND SAID, "I ALWAYS WONDERED HOW YOU GUYS LOADED THOSE THINGS!" THERE WERE THREE GUYS ON THIS ISLAND. A POLISH, AN AMERICAN, AND A GERMAN. ONE DAY A BOTTLE WASHED UP ON SHORE, AND OUT POPPED A GENIE. HE SAID I WILL NOW GRANT YOU EACH A WISH. THE AMERICAN WISHED TO BE BACK FUCKING HIS WIFE. THE GERMAN SAID YEAH, THAT SOUNDS GOOD I WANT THE SAME. POOF THEY WERE GONE. YOU ARE THE LAST SAID THE GENIE, WHAT DO YOU WANT? "WELL, I AM KIND OF LONELY...I WISH THE OTHER GUYS WERE BACK HERE." ONCE UPON A TIME A POLOCK, AN AMERICAN, AND A GERMAN WERE GOING TO BE SHOT BY A FIRING SQUAD. WHEN THE AMERICAN WAS ABOUT TO BE SHOT HE SHOUTED OUT "TORNADO!". SO THE WHOLE FIRING SQUAD RAN, AND THE AMERICAN ESCAPED. THE NEXT DAY THE GERMAN WAS ABOUT TO BE SHOT WHEN HE YELLED "TIDALWAVE!", AND HE ESCAPED. THE NEXT DAY THE POLOCK WAS GOING TO BE SHOT. THE FIRING SQUAD WAS ALL LINED UP AND JUST WHEN THEY WERE ABOUT TO SHOOT HE YELLED "FIRE!" BEING UNDER PRESSURE FROM CIVIL RIGHTS GROUPS, NASA FINALLY DECIDED TO LET A POLOCK FLY INTO SPACE IN THE SHUTTLE. HIS ONLY CREWMATE WAS A CHIMPANZEE WHO WAS TRAINED TO DO SPECIAL TASKS DURING THE MISSION. AS THE SHUTTLE WENT INTO ORBIT A RED LIGHT CAME ON, AND THE CHIMP TURNED ON THE ON-BOARD TAPE RECORDER. THE TAPE TOLD THE CHIMPANZEE TO IGNITE THE ORBITAL ENGINES TO REDUCE VELOCITY TO 18000 MPH. THE CHIMP DID THAT. FIVE MINUTES LATER, THE RED LIGHT CAME BACK ON, AND THE INSTRUCTIONS ON THE TAPE TOLD THE CHIMP TO GO INTO AN ORBIT WHICH WOULD ALLOW THE SHUTTLE TO RENDEZVOUS WITH A LOST INSAT SATELLITE. THE CHIMP DID THAT. FINALLY, THE GREEN LIGHT CAME ON, AND THE POLACK WAITED FOR HIS FIRST INSTRUCTIONS. HE TURNED ON THE TAPE. "FEED THE MONKEY" IT SAID. One day, a Polack and his friends were watching a football game. The Polack said "I'll bet anyone $10 that the quarterback will make a touchdown on this play!" One of his friends accepted. So the play started and the quarterback ran all the way to the 1 yard line and got tackled. The Polack lost his $10, so he said "I'll bet anyone $10 that he'll make it on the replay!" A few years ago the Polocks and the Texas Aggies were playing football. At the end of the first quarter, the gun sounded and the Polocks ran off the field thinking it was halftime. Four plays later the Aggies scored a field goal. THERE WERE THESE THREE GUYS, A MEXICAN, A BLACK, AND A POLOCK. WHILE LIVING IN MEXICO, THEY GOT CAUGHT SELLING DRUGS. IN MEXICO, THE PENALTY FOR THIS IS A HANGING IN A TREE THAT OVERLOOKS THE RIO GRANDE. THIS WAY, ALL THEY DO IS CUT THE ROPE, AND THE BODIES GO FLOATING DOWN TO THE OCEAN. WHEN THE MEXICAN WAS PUT UP IN THE TREE, THE KNOT SLIPPED, AND HE FELL INTO THE RIO GRANDE, FREE. THE BLACK WAS UP NEXT, AND HE WAS SO DIRTY AND GREASY AND HE SLIPPED THROUGH THE NOOSE. AFTER HE FELL, HE TOO SWAM HIS WAY TO FREEDOM. THE POLOCK STOOD UP AND SAID "HEY GUYS, YOU BETTER TIE THE ROPE BETTER FOR ME, CAUSE I CAN'T SWIM!" AN AMERICAN, A FRENCHMAN, AND A POLOCK WERE RUNNING THROUGH THE WOODS IN SEARCH OF A PLACE TO HIDE FROM A FIRING SQUAD IN HOT PURSUIT. AS THEY WERE MOVING THROUGH THE FOREST THEY HEARD SOUNDS OF THE APPROACHING SEARCH PARTY AND THE DECIDED TO TAKE TO THE TREES TO HIDE. THE AMERICAN CLIMBED UP A TREE AND THE FRENCHMAN AND THE POLOCK KEPT ON GOING. A LITTLE FARTHER DOWN THE ROAD THE FRENCHMAN CLIMBED UP A TREE AND THE POLOCK WENT ON. A LITTLE FARTHER DOWN THE ROAD THE POLOCK CLIMBED UP A TREE. AS THE SEARCH PARTY WALKED UNDER THE AMERICAN'S TREE, A BRANCH SNAPPED AND FELL TO THE GROUND. IN DESPERATION, THE AMERICAN STARTED WHISTLING LIKE A BIRD. THE SEARCH PARTY DECIDED THAT IT WAS JUST THAT, A BIRD, SO THEY WENT ON. AS THE PARTY MOVED UNDER THE TREE WHERE THE FRENCHMAN WAS HIDING THE FRENCHMAN ALSO ACCIDENTALLY MADE A TELLTALE NOISE. AS THE SEARCH PARTY LOOKED AROUND THEY FRENCHMAN WENT "WHOOO...WHOOO...". THE SEARCH PARTY BELIEVED IT TO BE AN OWL, AND AGAIN MOVED ON. AS THE PARTY APPROACHED THE POLOCK'S TREE THEY SUDDENLY HEARD A STRANGE LOUD NOISE EMANATING FROM THE BRANCHES "MOO...MOO..." The Polack came home from his job at the pickle factory and told his wife, "I have this terrible urge to stick my thing in the pickle slicer. I know it's crazy, but I can't help it." His wife was shocked, "You mustn't even think of that! Get such crazy ideas out of your head." For weeks, this went on. Finally, one evening he came home and said to his wife, "I finally did it! I put my thing in the pickle slicer." His wife was hysterical. "What happened to you?" Sadly he replied," They fired both of us." A man with an exceptionally long penis goes to a surgeon and asks him to cut off a part of it, saying, "Please Doc, you gotta do it. Every time I hiccup on the toilet, it siphons all the water out of the bowl." One day Jesus was walking by the pearly gates when St. Peter asked him to watch the gates for a few minutes. Jesus agreed and in a few minutes he saw an old, old man approach. This man was OLD! He walked very slowly, had a halting gait, and long white hair and beard. When Jesus asked if he could help, the old man advised him in a shaky voice that he was looking for his son. Jesus wanted to help but didn't think he could as there were millions of people there. "I know I can identify him very easily by the holes in his hands and feet," states the old man. Jesus does a double take and says, "Father?" The old man looks at Jesus and says, "Pinnochio?" God decided he needed a vacation. One of his aides suggested Venus. "Forget it," God said. "I went there 10,000 years ago and got sunburned. Another aide suggested Jupiter. "No way," God replied. "I went there 5,000 years ago and froze my ass off". A third advisor suggested Earth. "That's the worst," God answered angrily. "I was there 2,000 years ago and they're still accusing me of knocking up some Jewish bitch!" The doctor wanted to write a prescription, so he reached in his pocket and pulled out a thermometer. "Shit," he muttered, "Some asshole has my pen." Three nuns die and go to heaven, at the pearly gates they are confronted by Saint Peter who says "Well girls before you can get into heaven you must answer a question." Saint Peter asks the first nun, "Who was the first man on earth?" She says, "Oh that's easy, that was Adam." Birds sing, bells ring, the gates open up and she goes into heaven. So Saint Peter asks the second nun "Who was the first woman on earth?" She says "Oh that's easy that was Eve." Same thing happens - birds sing, bells ring, and she goes into heaven. So Saint Peter says to the third nun "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" She sits and thinks for awhile and says "Boy that's a hard one." Birds sing, bells ring, the gates open up and she goes into heaven! * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * END OF FILE * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * |