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                        Macho Driving in Massachusetts

       Those of you who have been driving in Massachusetts all your
       lives are familiar with many of the so-called macho driving
       techniques.  Drivers from out of state, new to the macho driving
       scene, are probably curious as to what these people are up to.
       So here are some tips for macho driving in Massachusetts:

1.      You should drive a pickup truck whether you need one or not.  It
       should be extremely large with lots of blinding yellow fog
       lights.  If it doesn't have them already, purchase used tires
       from MX missile transport trucks (roughly six feet in diameter)
       and raise the suspension to allow clearance over the wimps that
       drive cars.  If you must drive a car, make sure that it couldn't
       possibly pass inspection.

2.      Practice your best scowl.  Remember that this is the only
       expression you are permitted to show once behind the wheel.  So
       make it as ugly as possible.

3.      Do NOT be intimidated by the weather.  It should never affect
       your macho driving style.  Under no circumstances should you use
       windshield wipers.  The are for appearance only.  If snow has
       blanketed your vehicle, clear a peep-hole just large enough to
       see what's in front of you.  You are not permitted to leave your
       vehicle to do this, however!  If you can't reach around to the
       windshield while you are driving, then put on your defroster and
       windshield wipers full blast until you can just see the road.

4.      Darkness intimidates wimps!  Only use your headlights when its
       pitch dark and you see the police.  Of course, if you do have
       those blinding yellow fog lights, you may use them whenever you
       see fit.  It is also considered macho if only one front headlight
       works.

5.      Always drive with your right hand on the wheel and your entire
       left arm hanging loosely out the window like a slab of meat.

6.      Any loose objects in the vehicle may be thrown out of the window
       without hesitation (especially macho is throwing out burning
       objects like cigars).

7.      The only appropriate time to use directional signals, if you must
       use them at all, is while you're driving in a straight line down
       the highway (you could actually leave them on all the time since
       nobody really believes you are going to turn anyway).

8.      You must be prepared to yell obscenities at and give the finger
       to anything that moves.  If you are always prepared, you will
       beat the other macho drivers to the punch.

9.      In Massachusetts, the road sign YIELD has no meaning, but the
       sign STOP means YIELD.  A flashing yellow or green light means
       the same thing as a YIELD sign, and a flashing red light is the
       same as a STOP sign.  You must never come to a complete stop
       unless the vehicle in front of you comes to a complete stop.
       Only wimps stop for red lights.  So be sure to blast your horn
       the split second the light turns green.

10.     Driving in the breakdown lane is strongly encouraged.  Passing
       traffic in the breakdown lane on multi-lane highways is
       particularly macho. Driving over the road shoulder or on top of
       the median strip to get around traffic should be left to the
       experienced macho driver.

11.     Passing traffic on winding, narrow roads without hesitation will
       gain the respect of other macho drivers.

12.     Never yield to emergency road vehicles such as ambulances.  They
       will find a way to get around you (they should never have caught
       up with you in the first place).

13.     You must master the art of tailgating to become a full-fledged
       macho driver.  With practice, it is possible to maintain a
       distance of two to three inches between you and the vehicle in
       front of you without even paying attention! This is particularly
       confusing to the driver when you are in heavy traffic.  If the
       driver in front of you tries something cute like slowing down,
       jamming on the brakes, or flipping the lights on and off, be
       ready with your obscenities and finger.  Remember that you are
       always in a bigger hurry than the guy in front of you.

14.     Another art to master is that of "cutting off" other drivers.
       This must be done with great care when cutting off other macho
       drivers.  Sometimes it is necessary to wait for the oncoming
       vehicle for quite some time before rolling out in front of it,
       but that is the art.  Your mission is to see the front of the
       vehicle you're cutting off nearly hit the ground as it brakes to
       a screeching halt.  Of course, you appear never to have seen the
       oncoming vehicle even though you had to wait for it.  You must
       then be careful not to accelerate until the driver you just cut
       off has finished giving you the finger and yelling obscenities.

15.     Sometimes associated with "cutting off" is the ability to close
       off gaps in traffic.  This is one of my favorite macho-driving
       techniques.  When you detect a vehicle either trying to pull into
       traffic or accelerating towards you in an attempt to get past
       you, you must adjust your speed such that the gap in traffic will
       NOT be there when the vehicle gets to it.  You must anticipate
       the driver's intention while nonchalantly altering your speed to
       intercept.  A fun variation of this technique is to use it to
       prevent vehicles from getting on or off the highway.  Remember
       that you must not notice the other driver's predicament as he/she
       jams on the brakes.

16.     The experienced macho driver is capable of eating lunch, drinking
       a beer, and having complete sexual relations while performing all
       the above activities simultaneously.  So practice up!


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