RULES FOR BANK ROBBERSAccording to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are "unsophisticated and unprofessional crimes," comitted by young male repeat offenders who apparently don't know the first thing about their business. This information was included in an interesting, amusing article titles "How Not to Rob a Bank," by Tim Clark, which appeared in the 1987 edition of The Old Farmers Almanac. Clark reported that in spite of the widespread use of surveillance cameras, 76 percent of bank robbers use no disquise, 86 percent never study the bank before robbing it, and 95 percent make no long-range plans for concealing the loot. Thus, he offered this advice to would-be bank robbers, along with examples of what can happen if the rules aren't followed: 1. Pick the right bank. Clark advises that you don't follow the lead of the fellow in Anaheim, Cal., who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money. On the other hand, you don't want to be too familiar with the bank. A California robber ran into his mother while making his getaway. She turned him in. 2. Approach the right teller. Granted, Clark says, this is harder to plan. One teller in Springfield, Mass., followed the holdup man out of the bank and down the street until she saw him go into a restaurant. She hailed a passing police car, and the police picked him up. Another teller was given a holdup note by a robber, and her father, who was next in line, wrestled the man to the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived. 3. Don't sign your demand note. Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh, on an envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detriot, and in East Hartford, Conn., on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's signature and account number. 4. Beware of dangerous vegetables. A man in White Plains, N.Y., tried to hold up a bank with a zucchini. The police captured him at his house, where he showed them his "weapon." 5. Avoid being fussy. A robber in Panorama City, Cal., gave a teller a note saying, "I have a gun. Give me all your twenties in this envelope." The teller said, "All I've got is two twenties." The robber took them and left. 6. Don't advertise. A holdup man thought that if he smeared mercury ointment on his face, it would make him invisible to the cameras. Actually, it accentuated his features, giving authorities a much clearer picture. Bank robbers in Minnesota and California tried to create a diversion by throwing stolen money out of the windows of their cars. They succeeded only in drawing attention to themselves. 7. Take right turns only. Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn and ended up on the Homestead Air Force Base. They drove up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a toolbooth, offered the security men money. 8. Provide your own transportation. It is not clever to borrow the teller's car, which she carefully described to police. This resulted in the most quickly solved bank robbery in the history of Pittsfield, Mass. 9. Don't be too sensitive. In these days of exploding dye packs, stuffing the cash into your pants can lead to embarrassing stains, Clark points out, not to mention severe burns in sensitive places--as bandits in San Diego and Boston painfully discovered. 10. Consider another line of work. One nervous Newport, R.I., robber, while trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself in the head and died instantly. Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal in Swansea, Mass., who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted. He was still unconscious when the police arrived. In view of such ineptitude, it is not surprising that in 1978 and 1979, for example, federal and state officers made arrests in 69 percent of the bank holdups reported. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: why did the IEGOC put ice in his condom? A: to keep the swelling down. Did you hear about the IEGOC who put his comdom on backward? He went. POSSIBLE SLOGANS FOR PROMOTING NATIONAL CONDOMM WEEK over your stump before you hump before you attack her, wrap your wacker don't be silly, protect your willy don't be a loner, cover your boner you can't go wrong if you shield your dong if you won't sack it, then go home and wack it if you think she is spunky, cover your monkey it will be sweeter if you wrap your peter if you slip between thighs, be sure to condomize she won't get sick if you wrap your dick if you go into heat, package your meat when undressing venus, wrap up your penis never deck her with an unwrapped pecker wrap in foil before checking her oil especially in december, gift-wrap your member don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool the right selection, check your erection a crank with armor will never harm her when in doubt, shroud your spout. Sources say: A Girl's Guide To Condoms -- by Mimi Coucher WARNING: Boys cannot read this. If you are a boy and are reading this, stop immediately. The following article is chock-full of highly intimate girl secrets that will be 10 times more embarrassing than any TV commercial for feminine-hygiene products you've ever seen. So quit it. I mean it. You'll be sorry. =============== Condoms Demystified There are basically three kinds of condoms: unlubricated latex, lubricated latex, and lambskin. The lambskins are no good because they haven't been proven to be a barrier to infection. Anyway, they're really made of lambies and that makes us sad, especially around Easter time. (The real reason we don't like them is that they actually smell like lamb. One is tempted to lubricate them with mint jelly.) There are variations on the basic latex condoms. Some condoms are prelubricated, with spermicidal jelly, even. Others are not. Strictly B.Y.O.K.Y. The strangest variation by far is the ribbed latex condom. Why are these condoms ribbed? This is supposed to bestimulating? Should one attempt to play washboard tunes on it? This is just part of a big problem with condoms. Condoms were, and are, designed by men. If Girls Designed Condoms... What a wonderful world it would be. Skip the ribbing, skip the lube. If women designed condoms there is no question that they would be padded. "But size doesn't matter!" comes a chorus of voices. (The loudest voices come from boys who are peeking. Stop that right now. Turn to the sports page immediately.) Sure *lengt* doesn't matter. But give any girl a small dose of truth serum and ask her about width. Admit it. If padded condoms were placed on the market, hordes of screaming women would storm their local druggists and dash out with tote bags full. Unfortunately, it wouldn't work. After all, there is that ticklish issue of boy sensitivity, which we can't overlook, even if we occasionally want to. Padded condoms would rob boys of the skin-to-skin senstion they already claim condoms rob them of. And we can't have that. No, we modern women, being kind and sensitive lovers, would design whisper-soft condoms, completely transparent and microscopically thin. The paisley, rainbow, and floral-print condoms we designed would be strictly novelty items, kept for special occasions only. Ditto the condoms with cute sayings: "Hang in there, baby, Friday's coming"; "My girlfriend went to Florida and all I got was this lousycondom"; and the classic "I'm with stupid" (arrow pointing back toward the boy). Other specialty items would include the male-ego condom, which, like black olives, come in three sizes:jumbo, colossal, and humongous. Naughty subversives would enjoy the Karen Finley assortment, colorful, decorative condoms that turn ordinary penises into bananas, hotdogs, yams, and more. But I digress. The best place to buy condoms is your local massive drugstore that has them on display, self-serve, just like corn pads or athlete's foot spray. So go shopping. Dres cool, hold your head high, read labels, make your selection. Be assured that most popular brands come with little instruction booklets much like the ones found in boxes of Tampax (uh oh --don't mix them up!). While at the drugstore, be sure to purchase at least one of the following items: Tickle anti-perspirant, Ban Roll-on, or any of the Calvin Klein line of men's grooming aids. You'll need these for important condom experiments at home. At home, be alone. Light candles. Play inspiring music; any record by Rick James will do. Remove one of the condoms from its packet. Examine it carefully. Then put it to work. Experiment with your slippery new friends; whip those sons-of-gummi-worms into shape. Recruit those deodorant bottles and practice, practice, practice. And how about some new nicknames for the old standbys? Love skins. Slicks. Wet suits. Silk stockings. Eight-by-two glossies. Soon enough, you'll be happy and relaxed, perfectly in control of those silly little slips o' sin. But wait. Something's missing. Oh yes, the hard part. I mean the good part. I mean, both. The Condomed Man It is far, far easier to start them on condoms when the relationship is young. In fact, the condom is a terrific tool of seduction when you're ready to make the leap etween the sheets. Call that someone on the phone and say to him, casual-like, "I just bought a new kind of condom and I'm dying to try it out... want to come over?" Or when out on the town with your paramour, and the clock on the clubhouse wall says thump thump thump, push that hunk against the wall and growl, "Listen, buddy. I've got a condom in my pocket and I'm not afraid to use it. We're g oing home." Welcome To The Safety Patrol Before you know it, you'll be a veritable connoisseur of condoms. You'll allow them to drop casually out of your purse in front of attractive men at cocktail parties. You'll dispense them to friends, give lessons, perhaps even roll your own. "Oh, handsome boyfriend," you'll soon sigh, "I've always wanted to see you in rubber." And he won't mind one bit. MORE CONDOMS We've Come A Long Way... We thought we were pretty darn smart, all right. In the '60s we became liberated and bravely marched into our neighborhood women's-health collective, had our blood tested and our bodies examined, and marched out armed with a pink carousel of little tablets and a new attitude. We related to our sex partners, we discovered the joys of uninhibited physical thrills, we took our pills regularly. In the '70s we were sorry for it and went en masse to our gynecologists to be fitted for diaphragms. We carried them everywhere, became geniuses of delicate timing. We tried IUDs, flirted with cervical caps worn at jaunty angles. We researched and discussed the issues with candor and aplomb; ask any high-spirited modern girl and she'll tell you all about the G-spot, male menopaus, the Hite report, impotence, arousal, pregnancy, the Kama Sutra, birth control. Ready for the '80s? Hell, we thought we were ready for anything. Anything but this. No woman, not even the most avid reader of sex manuals or sophisticated connoisseur of amour, is prepared for the experience of walking to the corner drugstore and asking the freckle-faced adolescent behind the counter for a package of... condoms. OLD FACT: Condoms aren't sexy. Neither are rubbers, sheaths, prohylactics, Coney Island white fish, raincoats, skins, safes, rubber booties, socks. The package says, "Sold for the prevention of venereal disease." The boys say, Sold for the prevention of love. Oft compared to taking a bath with socks on, the condom ritual was the classic bane to the romantic advances of bumbling '50s teens. NEW FACT: Unless you can account for all the blood transfusions, intravenous activities, and sexual escapades of your partner and your partner's partners, you'd best get used to the idea, right now. "Say," you blink innocently, "shouldn't the boy be taking some responsibility for this dangerous transaction?" Yes, of course. But I wouldn't count on it. You know how they are. And here's a horrifying thought: not only are you protecting yourself against your partner, you're protecting your partner against *you*. Oh, cheer up. It beats abstinence. Buy Now, Lay Later Don't even pretend for one minute that you're never going to do "it" again. You will. So brace yourself for the new shopping experience of the '80s. First take: you enter a quiet, out-of-the-way drugstore that has a display of walkers and bedpans in the window. Confident that no one you know will ever spot you here, you stride over to the kindly old pharmacist at the back of the store. "Excuse me," you venture a little shakily. "Where are your rubbers?" You are gently guided to a Totes display in Aisle Three. To save face, you buy a pair of men's size 11s and ditch them in a corner trash can, determined to do better next time. Second take: the next store you choose is a little larger, and crowded. But you can't find the condoms anywhere. There is a line at the cash register. You stand in it, patiently, rehearsing your lines. You arrive. "Excuse me," you politely whisper to the surly loud-mouthed Iranian behind the counter, "where are your prophylactics?" "Right here," he shouts. "What kind ya want?" "Uh, Trojans, I guess." "Lubricated or nonlubricated?" he bellows. "Ya want ribs? We got the ribs kinds." By this time, the entire store is involved in the drama, the crowd behind you is silently hanging on your every word, and you're sure that that's your third-grade teacher who just walked in. "Oh, uh, skip it, thanks. I'll just tell my little brother that he'll have to buy his own." Don't be discouraged. Buying condoms is a tough job, but somebody's got to do it. And here's a heartening factthat I bet even *you* didn't know, Ms. Modern: marketing tests prove that women buy more condoms than men do, and have for years. That's why, ever since the late '70s, condom packages have featured air-brushed photos of couples holding hands at sunset. They thought we'd like that. We don't, but it will have to do till pictures of Mick Jagger, Mel Gibson, or beautiful shoes come along. ----------------------- As we discovered earlier, finding a suitable name for a system can be a trying experience. After trying the name "MYDICK", we experienced some difficulties with our name and dialing the wrong number. Senerio: Man calling field service, dials wrong number. ring......ring......ring..... (sexy female voice answers) "Hello?" "Hello, I'm calling to report that MYDICK is down." "Oh, really, and how may I help you?" "Well, I'm hoping that you can tell me how to get it up." "This sounds interesting. OK, I can try. Assuming it's not from over using it, do you know what caused it to go down?" "It got struck by lightening." "GOODNESS, thats awful!!!" "It's not too bad. It's getting old anyway. I usually only play games with it" "A lot of my co-workers use theirs for business. Maybe, someday." "I don't know about using it for business, but only for games is a little bit of a waste, too." "Well, since the lightening storm, it doesn't do me much good, anyway." "I must admit that you seem to be taking it rather well. My boyfriend would be devastated." "Oh, it's not such a big deal, it's just a small one. I wanted a larger one, but I couldn't swing it." "HUMPH, just how big is it?" "It only stands about 36 inches." "ONLY 36 INCHES???" "Yeah, I've seen some as big as 52 inches." (silence) "Hello?" "Oh, I'm sorry, I uh, you should be able to swing that!!!" "They're kinda hard to come by." "I can imagine. That's what I call hung!!!" "Yep, it's hung alright." "Have you tried doing anything with it?" "Yeah, I tried booting it and I kicked it twice, but it just won't respond." "Jeez, didn't that hurt?" "I hurt my foot when I kicked it the second time." "Damn, I'd think you might be a little more gentle with it. I think if you play with it, you can get it to work again." "Oh, I've played with it for alomost 2 hours now and it just won't come up. It seems like it's going to work OK, but then it gets hung in a loop." "My this sounds like a tough problem." "It's not an easy one. Could you come over and take a look at it?" "You bet!!! I'd love to see this." ----------------------- FOOBAR To my certain knowledge foobar as well as a series of variants listed below, were in common military use as early as 1943 (by me, and by thousands of others): snafu (snafoo-var.) - Situation normal; all fucked up! tarfu (tarfoo-var.) - Things are really fucked up! fubar (foobar-var.) - Fucked up beyond all recognition! janfu (janfoo-var.) - Joint Army-Navy fuck-up! (Amphibious Operations) There were literally hundreds of -fu (-foo) coinages, which, while in use by restricted groups, did not come into the regular military vocabulary. Some that come to mind are: fafu - Field artillery fuck-up fofu - Forward observer fuck-up [Useful after you have been shelled by your own artillery!] and acfu - Air Corps fuck-up -------------------- It seems that very few women read this newsgroup (I wonder why ???) So here is a feminist joke told by a guy (the joke is probably rather old, but this is eunet.jokes so just flame me the way you used to in the past... :-\ ) A really unbearable guy has a fight with his fiancee. She tells him to leave their flat and says that she does not want to see him again. Out in the street our "hero" realises that something is wrong and yells: "Dear God, why are some women so very beautiful ??" God is not busy so he decides to listen to this rather inane complaint and answers: "Well, I have made some women very beautiful because it is important that every man should experience the miracle of love." Our "hero" now realises that he is actually conversating with God: "But God, why are some women so incredible stupid ??" "Because otherwise men like you wouldn't have a chance." --------- > > RULES FOR BANK ROBBERS > [ 10 tips for prospective criminals ] 11. Be prepared to back up any threat. One would-be robber went into a bank armed only with a finger in his pocket, which he tried to pretend was a gun. Upon receiving the typically tactful note - "Hand over the money or I blow you away" - the teller said, "I'm sorry sir. I'm afraid I'll have to see your gun". The felon turned round and walked out. -------- How do you get four elephants into a mini? Two in the front, two in the back. How do you know there is an elephant in your fridge? Great big footprints in the trifle. How do you know there are two elephants in your fridge? Sounds of giggling. How do you know there are three elephants in your fridge? You can't shut the door. How do you know there are four elephants in your fridge? There's a mini parked outside. Why do elephants paint their toenails red? So they can hide unnoticed in cherry trees. How does an elephant get into a cherry tree? It sits on a cherry stone and waits..... How does an elephant get down from a cherry tree? It sits on a leaf and waits for autumn. Why is an elephant large grey and wrinkled? Because if it was small, white and smooth it would be an aspirin. -- Richard Tobin, JANET: R.Tobin@uk.ac.ed AI Applications Institute, ARPA: R.Tobin%uk.ac.ed@nss.cs.ucl.ac.uk Edinburgh University. UUCP: ...!ukc!ed.ac.uk!R.Tobin A persian in the market in old jerusalem buys a packet of pecan nuts. He hands one to his wife, who is dutifally following him around. After a while, she asks for another. "What for?", he replies, "They all taste the same". PUT A CONDOM ON YOUR COMPUTER Every worry that your computer might be hanging out in a network where it will pick up some disgusting virus? Empirical Research Systems of Tacoma suggests you supply it with one of their "computer condoms". This high-tech prophylactic is a combination of hardware and software embodied in a controller card that simply replaces the one already in the machine. Rick Cummings, the company's president, says the system "stops all viruses" by monitoring the user network, the keyboard, and the program in use. He notes that the system is programmable to alter the parameters of its control on any given machine, but he guarantees that, "when programmed to your requirements, it will not allow viruses to enter." The technology was developed through successful efforts to protect a group of European banks from the massive virus that penetrated European computer networks last autumn. "Naturally these became our first orders," Cummings says. He has since picked up an additional 2500 firm orders in Europe, with 5000 more contingent on inspection of the product. In the United States, the product has been reviewed by Boeing Computer Services and computer technicians at the UW. It will be on the domestic market "early next autumn at a cost of under $1000," Cummings says. [An untapped market for LaTex? --JCS] Once upon a time there was a sculptor, who worked for years on his masterwork: two nude statues, one of the perfect woman, one of the perfect man. When they were finished, they were set up twenty metres apart on either side of the games to a park, where they stood for a century, looking at each other. Then one day there was a terrible storm, with high winds and snow. A fairy, caught out in the storm, managed to cling on to the statue of the man, and begged him to shelter her. "Of course," he replied, "climb into my armpit - it's sheltered in there". So she did, and she survived the storm. In the morning, she climbed out, thanked the statue, and asked if there was any wish she could grant. "Well," said the statue, "here we are, the perfect man and the perfect woman, fixed twenty metres apart. Can we be alive?" "I don't know," said the fairy, "I need permission from HQ for wishes like that. Hang on ..." And she disappeared. A few seconds later she reappeared. "HQ says OK, but only for 24 hours. I've got to stay here and magic people into thinking you're still here". She waved her wand, and the statues leaped to life, ran together, and holding hands they skipped gaily into the park. 23 hours later, they came back, the woman all smiles, the man crawling along, moaning "I can't go on". "What's this?" said the fairy, "you've got an hour to go." "I can't go on" moaned the man. But with the fairy and the woman kicking him and persuading him, he finally climbed to his feet, and said wearily, "All right. But this time I'll hold the pigeons and you shit on them" ! The folowing text comes from a database with all known ! problems with IBM products. ! Read it with a sense of humor ! MouseBalls Are Now Available As FRU ( Field Replacable Unit ) If a mouse fails to operate, or should perform erratically, it may be in need of ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should be attempted by trained personel only. Before ordering, determine type of mouse balls required by examining the underside of each mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ, depending upon manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method, and domestic balls replaced using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive, however, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each server have a pair of balls for maintaining optimum custormer satisfaction, and that ony customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessery functional items. There once was a man who had a very bad headache. After eight weeks he went to see the doctor. The doctor said: "I must cut your b*lls off, otherwise you die" "Is there no other way out ?" "No, I'm sorry." So the man allows the doctor to cut his b*lls off. After a week the man feels so great, that he planned a tour around earth, so he went to a tailor. The tailor starts to measure him and says: "You need underpants number 36 and ........" The man says: "Hey, I need underpants number 32. I have always used number 32." "If you use underpants number 32, you will get a very bad headache, ending with the need to cut your b*lls off !!!!!" Q: How does a blind parachutist know when he's two feet from the ground? A: His dog-lead goes slack Q: How can you tell when your sister is having a period? A: Your dad's dick tastes funny. Its christmas time, and the postmen rings at the dor for an urgent letter. She opens the door, asking for his request. Taking that letter, she said: "Come in, postmen. I ll give you a coffee and a good breakfast". So he came in, took that meal. When he was ready, she said: " Come on, lets go to bed now ". The Postmen was excited, went with her to bed, and they had fun together. After it, the woman gave him a dollar-note. So he said:" What the hell is the reason, you made breakfast for me, went to bed with me, and know giving me a dollar ? I suppose the rest was enough !" And she answered:" It is X-mas, and I asked my husband , what shall we give the mailman . And he said ""FUCK HIM, GIVE M A DOLLAR "". But the breakfast was my idea...." The Cynic's Guide to Life, the Universe and Everything. ------------------------------------------------------- For want of something better to do, here's a list of collected words of wisdom on the subject of Life, Love, the Universe and Everything. Many of the following gems are directly attributable to me (often in a state of mild inebriation) although some come from other sources. Enjoy... Subject 1 : Women. ------------------ Never put a woman on a pedestal - it makes it easier for her to kick you in the teeth. Treat a woman like dirt and she'll loathe you for it. Treat her like gold and she'll despise you for it. If you hold a door open for a lady, she'll slap your face and call you an arrogant, sexist, chauvinist b@st@rd. If you don't hold a door open for a lady, she'll slap your face and call you an inconsiderate, ignorant pig. There _are_ some men who understand women. Unfortunately, they all spend their time in rooms with soft walls, talking to beings from Beta Lyrae. Subject 2 : Love (in general). ------------------------------ The only difference between love and indigestion is that Milk of Magnesia makes indigestion go away. You only fall in love once. No-one can make that big a mistake twice! Make love, not war. Alternatively, get married and do both. Subject 3 : Inanimate objects. ------------------------------ Whether it's working or not, you can still injure yourself on it. There are only two kinds of computer, the ones that don't work and the ones that only _seem_ to work. If a knife is supposed to be blunt, you'll cut yourself on it. If it's supposed to be sharp, you couldn't cut hot butter with it. The only things that regularly break down are the ones you really need. Subject 4 : Life (in general). ------------------------------ If you don't get drunk at a party, you'll wish that you did. If you do get drunk at a party, you'll wish that you didn't. Every cloud has a silver lining. Unfortunately, this implies that every silver lining has a cloud. Whatever you say or do, somebody won't like it. Never give advice to people - they won't take it and will then blame you because it didn't work! Life is the most common sexually transmitted disease. Subject 4 : The Universe (in general). -------------------------------------- The best way to cope with the size of the known Universe is to view it from the inside of a bottle - preferably whisky. Subject 5 : Everything (Miscellaneous). --------------------------------------- As a general rule, never make gross generalisations. Sarcasm may be the lowest form of wit, but it can be the most satisfying. The human race has got to be the slowest and most boring sporting event ever started. When all else fails, panic. If that doesn't seem to work, you're not doing it right. *********************************************** I hope that you find some of these useful in your daily life. However, if you do not and would like a refund, simply throw yourself from the top of the nearest tall building and consider that last one again... The following comes to you courtesy of a reader of the 'The Glaswegian' Wee Jimmy goes to see his auntie. His auntie says 'Come in Jimmy, sit down and have a glass of ginger and will you have a chocolate biscuit or a meringue?' So wee Jimmy says 'Naw yer right enough, I'll have a chocolate biscuit'. One, two, do up my shoelaces. Three, four, ring the doorbell. Five, six, get firewood. Seven, eight, put it in a line. Nine, ten, a chicken. Eleven, twelve, dig a hole. Q. What's the smelliest thing in the world? A. A kipper's fanny! Poor Susan the squid! She wasn't feeling too well. But she was pleased to see her friend Deborah the Dolphin. `How are you today?' asked Deborah. `Not too well, I'm afraid!' replied Susan, vomiting. `Then you must come with me!' invited Deborah. Deborah led Susan through the rocks and the corals until they came to an oaken door set in one of the rocks. There was a plate on the door saying `Samuel Shark'. Deborah banged on the door. There was a pause, and then the Sammy the huge old shark opened the door and looked out at his two visitors through his thick spectacles. `Good morning,Sammy!' greeted Deborah, shoving Susan so violently that she tripped and fell over the doorstep and into the house. As she rushed away she called over her shoulder `That's the sick squid I owe you.' ************************* T A M P O N J O K E S ****************************** What do elephants use as tampons? Sheep. Why do sheep have tails? So they elephants can pull them out! How can you tell if the barmaid is pissed off at you? There is a string hanging out of your Bloody Mary. How do you re-use tampons? As tea-bags for vampires. What has a dirty woman got in common with a hockey goal-keeper? They both change their pads after four periods. A man goes to the "Antiques Roadshow" and produces a soiled tampon. The expert says "SIR! I can't value that! Its a used tampon!!" To which the man replies, "I know. I only want to know what period it's from!" Two German spies (during World War II) recieved an intensive training in English so they could do their job in London without causing suspicion. To test their knowledge they enter an pub. Spies: " Two gins, please ! " Bartender: " Dry ? " Spies (confused) : " Nein, zwei ! " During the ex-president Reagan's routine medical check-up, physicians at the Mayo clinic were surprised to find brain in his fluids. A weekend surgery is scheduled to remove it. The following joke is being told by the Belgian comedian Urbanus van Anus: Yesterday I met a person who said, "Hey, did you know that since your show started on television, TV sales have doubled?" I beamed proudly, until he said, "Yes, I sold mine, too." Heard this morning, September 5, on KDMG, Des Moines: This morning's trivia question was "Does a deer have a gall bladder?" A hunter calls in and answers "No, a deer doesn't." After the usual chit-chat, the announcer trys to get a cheap plug out of the guy "What radio station are you listening to this morning!" "Uh," the hunter pauses, "This one?" And this genius is walking around with a gun? Top 10 Iranian T-shirt Slogans 10. IRAQ Busters 9. Surf Straits of Hormuz 8. Mom and Dad blew up a bus load of tourists and all I got was this lousy T-shirt 7. Death to all Americans except Motley Crue 6. Official veil inspector 5. Kiss me I'm a walking time bomb 4. I've been tested for sand chiggers 3. You don't have to be crazy to set yourself on fire and run into an enemy tank ... but it sure helps 2. If you don't ride a camel you ain't shiite 1. Spuds Khomenini: The original party animal While I was in Europe in June, I visited a friend who lives in Essen, in northern West Germany. Of course he took me to a local bierstube to sample the local waters, brewed on the premises. It was served in rather small glasses, about 7 oz. or so (1/5 liter). My friend commented that the size of the glass increases the further south one goes in Germany, as I subsequently verified in Munich, where they had 17 oz. (1/2 liter) glasses. He then told the following story: A fellow from Bavaria came to northern Germany to visit relatives. While there, he decided to go out and get a beer, and was served one of these small glasses. At first he didn't quite know what to make of it, but then he picked up the glass and drank its contents in one gulp. He then turned to the waiter and exclaimed, "That was good! I'll have one of these!" From the SF Chronicle sometime last week (Herb Caen's column): Our correspondent in Poland reports that Wojciech Jaruzelski, Tadeusz Mazowiecki and Lech Walesa met in a summit conference, and the only thing that they could agree on was that George Bush has a funny name. The following is a song I heard this summer--I persuaded the singer to share the lyrics; it's sung to the tune of "My Way". I DID IT THEIR WAY I came with all my books, lived in dorms, followed directions. I worked, I studied hard, met lots of folks who had connections. I crammed, they gave me grades, and may I say not in a fair way. But more, much more than this, I did it their way. I learned all sorts of things although I know I'll never use them. The courses that I took were all required, I didn't choose them. You'll find that to survive it's best to act the doctrinaire way. And so I buckled down and did it their way. Yes, there were times I wondered why I had to crawl when I could fly. I had my doubts, but after all, I clipped my wings, and learned to crawl. I had to bend, and in the end I did it their way. And so, my fine young friends, now that I'm a full professor Where once I was oppressed, now I've become the cruel oppressor. With me you'll learn to cope, you'll learn to climb life's golden stairway. What can I do? What can I do? Open your books. Read chapter two. And if it seems a bit routine, Don't come to me, go see the dean. As long as they give me my pay I'll do it their way. This joke appeared in yesterday's (UK) Sunday Times, in an article on East Germany, by Peter Millar: "Down at the Communist party offices they had a plague of rats. Along came a little girl who said she could get rid of them if they would promise her whatever she wanted. They agreed. So she took a clockwork mouse and trailed it behind her; all the rats followed her to the river, where she kicked the mouse in and they all drowned. The delighted communists asked her what she wanted. She said `a clockwork Russian soldier'." |