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*EXCERPTS* News you may NOT have read. Changed Every Saturday







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               і                                               і
               і           News you may NOT have read.         і
               і                                               і
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                 Stonehenge BBS San Rafael, Ca. [415] 479-8328





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THE MASTER THIEF

    When the holdup man was told by the teller she had no money, he fainted
and was arrested on the spot. Police, discovering his car outside, found he
had locked his keys inside. Happened in Swansea, Mass.

BUD LIGHT?

    That's what Madison Avenue encourages for you to ask for when you buy
a beer. But what if it is your name??? Bud Light, and it is his real name, does
have a sense of humor. Say's. "My Dad was the regular Bud Light. I was the
eight ounce size.


GIVE YOUR ENGLISH TEACHER THIS GRAMMATICALLY CORRECT SENTENCE

    You may have to explain it.

    Buffalo   - as an animal (noun).
    Buffalo   - a place ( a proper noun that can be used as an ajective.
    Buffalo   - to bewilder (verb)
   
    Therefore you have: "Buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo."

     .... a perfectly correct sentence that will confuse people nicely.


BECAUSE IT'S FUN

    In 1989 a mystery man appeared in Dallas dressed in an ape costume.
Gave away more than $6,000 to people on the street, passing out $50 bills.
They never found who he was, but he did mutter, under his ape mask, "It's
a heck of a lot of fun.

                                                                             
A TRUE STORY WORTH TELLING AGAIN

    Seems, in Long Beach, Larry Walters, 33, attached a bunch of helium
balloons to his lawn chair plus supplies of a B-B gun and a CB radio. UP
AND AWAY!..Rose to 16,000 feet with witnessing pilots trying to explain
it to their controllers and radar going crazy. To descend, he used the BB
gun to pop the balloons. Got to 5 feet of the ground and jumped off. The
FAA didn't think it was that funny and a bit of Long Beach was blacked out
because his tethers snagged on some powerlines. Paid a fine of $1500.                                                                              
                                                                             

WHY AREA CODE 510 ?

    There has been a 500% increase for telephones since 1987 in the
    Bay Area. The paging market and cellular phones have responsible for
    40% in 1991. Then you have fax machines and modems. That's why.

HELLO! 911? THIS AN EMERGENCY!

    "Two women have stuffed a girl in the trunk of their car and
     covered her with a blanket."
     Police surrounded and stopped the car & inspected the trunk.
     It contained a mannequin. Cops forgot their professionalism
     and started laughing. Driver laughed too. Everyone left happy.
     Happened in Warwick, Rhode Island.                                                                              

BEAT THE ENERGY CRISIS. OWN A COW.

    A cow produces enough methane gas in a year to provide for  
    all of the space heating and cooking heat needed for a small
    house. And, you'd also get milk, cream and butter.
    Add one sheep and you could live for very little...........:-)                                                                              
                                                                             
TO PROVE HE WAS TRUSTWORTHY

    Sheriff deputy, Edward Perez, plus two others were arrested in Rialto,
    California for a credit card scam and going on a $55,000 buying spree.
    Perez, an ex-marine, spend some of his loot purchasing a Marine Corps                                                                              
    Good Conduct ribbon for himself.                                                                          
                                                                             
                                                                             
IF YOU ARE PAYING FOR THE BEST YOU MIGHT AS WELL GET A NYMPHO.

    Seems the prostitution scandal in Fort Lauderdale, Florida has provided
    a list of VERY prominent people who paid the nympho/prostitute for her
    services. One accused, Mike Danziger, Vice Mayor, had previously
    introduced an ordinance banning bars with nude dancers.                                                                                
                                                                             
THIS IS SICK

    I can't imagine this, but here's the scoop. Kids in New York can buy
    novelty pencils that look like syringes. Have calibrated marks and a red
    fluid inside resembling blood. Fresh lead is produced by pressing the
    plunger. They sell for a buck. "This is the work of a sick company that
    could care less about the lives of children," said a state authority.

                                               ....The End
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Wanted: Textfiles.  Humorous-Expose-How to-Supernatural-Oddball. Anything
                    that will arouse a readers interest. No anarchy/hacking.
                    STONEHENGE BBS San Rafael, Ca. [415] 479-8328
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               і                                               і
               і           News you may NOT have read.         і
               і                                               і
               і              Changed Every Saturday           і
               і                                               і
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                STONEHENGE BBS  San Rafael, Ca.  [415] 479-8328

                                                           
                                                                         
                                                                         
                                                                             


                                                     
                                                                             
                                                                             
DRINK IT HERE OR TAKE IT WITH YOU?
                                                                             
    In Charlestown, West Virginia, a man pulled a gun outside
    a convenience store minutes before it opened, fired a shot
    through the front window to gain entry, and forced the  clerk
    (who was preparing for the day's business) to sell him a can
    of STP oil treatment.

                                                                             
SIDE EFFECTS FROM NINTENDO BRINGS LAWYERS TO ACTION

    Well, in one case anyways. Nicole LaBruzzy, 17, claims she got
    carpel tunnel syndrome after playing Nintendo games for about
    a year. Claims she was unable to type or write because of its
    pain. Attorneys say that Nintendo should warn of such possible
    side effects.
                                                                             

FINDING MONEY WHEN YOU ARE NOT DREAMING

    You work for a casino, you go to the escalator and on the floor,
    just laying there are seven bundles of $100 bills.  $50,000 all
    together. The panic phone call from a patron resulted in success.
    Walter Emenecker, the employee had turned it in to security.


WE DON'T LICENSE THIS IN SAN FRANCISCO (I DON'T THINK?)

    The City of Los Angeles has issued a zoning permit for a bondage
    parlor, one of those places which gratifies its customers with
    whips, chains and ????
    Patrons at the Club Chateau in North Hollywood will pay $100 for
    being submissive to a dominating female who will, in all probability
    have whip or some other device.
    There is one stipulation to this permit. Noise from within must not
    be heard outside.

                                                                             
OOPS! WRONG FLOPPIE?

    Seems no one checked the printouts to the rocket guidance unit of
    the rocket that had to be destroyed at Cape Canaveral last week.
    I sometimes load the wrong floppy myself.
    I won't, however, have to explain my mistake to the Pentagon.


LOOK AT THAT S.O.B. GO!

    That's what astronomers are saying since they have discovered a
    a pulsating neutron star believed to have formed 15,000 years
    and thought to be moving at 5.35 million miles per hour.
                                                                             
                                                                             
I'M HAVING A BALL

    A paymaster showed up at a camp where the Cambodiam soldiers had
    not been paid in four months. The problem was, the paymaster didn't
    have any money. The soldiers were real pissed. They ate him.
                                                                             

USE A CONDOM

    This includes uses by deranged pranksters. In Flagstaff, Arizona, Edith
Tyler sued for $150,000 because she found a condom in her stuffed cabbage.  
Carl Gentry of Newport, Tennessee got $2,500 when he found a condom in a can
of Pork and Beans.


CAN SAFE SEX BE HAD IN A SMALL AIRPLANE?

    Apparently not. A 57 year old pilot and his female passenger were killed
when their Cessna 172 slammed into a cliff near Lake Mead near Las Vegas.
Authorities concluded by the position of the bodies that an act of oral sex
was taking place at the time of the impact. It did not state if the plane did
any loops before impact.


AND IF YOU HAD HIS NAME?

    In DeKalb County, Georgia, Superior court ruled that Gary Eugene Duda,
35, could change his first name to "ZIPPIDY."


YOUR OWN BUMPER CAR?  BOY, OH BOY!.

    Thieves in Bridgeport, Connecticut broke into a warehouse containing
golf carts. When the word got around, everyone just helped themselves. Police
estimated 50 to 200 carts were stolen and then used for a demolition derby in
the Bridgeport streets.


IT JUST WASN'T HIS DAY. (This is sad.)

    Dennis Williams, of Troy, Montana, rolled his truck. Badly injured,
he tried crawling back through tall grass to the highway to summon help.
Two hunters saw the movement in the grass, thought it was a bear, shot and
hit him in the legs and chest. Williams right leg had to be amputated and he
is still in serious condition but improving.

ALL ABOUT FIDO

    A Tokyo firm runs a mobil pet funeral service. They arrive in an
appropriately painted van, console the owner, read poetry, put Fido in
a doggy coffin, creamate him, return the ash filled urn to the owner.
Cost? $400.

                           -  here's another -

    A New York firm, called Animal Manors, Inc. will build and exact
replica of your house to be used by fido. Cost? About $10,000 + options.

                                                  .....the end.

_____________________________________________________________________________
Wanted: Textfiles. Humorous-Expose'-How To-Supernatural-Oddball. Anything
                  that will arouse a readers curiosity. No anarchy/hacking.
                  STONEHENGE BBS San Rafael, Ca. [415] 479-8328
______________________________________________________________________________






               ЪДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДї
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               і                                               і
               і           News you may NOT have read.         і
               і                                               і
               і             Changed Every Saturday            і
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A SURE-FIRE WAY TO INCREASE YOUR BUSINESS.

    Business was slow for Darel Lafton's gas station in Des Moines, until he
came up with the idea of BOOB 'N LUBE. Two topless women vacuum your car as
you watch. N.O.W. The National Organization for women has becomes quite
incensed at this type of promotion, "but", Lafton says, " business has
increased 50%."                                                                                
                                                                             

HERE'S ALWAYS LIFE'S LITTLE TEMPTATIONS

    It's against the law to fly under the Golden Gate Bridge in your
private airplane, yet pilots occasionally do it. In Paris, one pilot took
it a bit lower and flew under the Eiffel Tower. This has been the first time
since someone they nicknamed the Black Baron made a few passes in 1988.                                                                              
                                                                             

DON'T EVER VIOLATE A PELICAN IN GREECE.

    A lynch mob of some 4,000 angry citizens formed on the Greek Aegean Sea
island of Gyros all set to hang a rapist. The pelican that he raped died,
adding murder to the charge. Evidence that pointed to his guilt were pelican
feathers found in his shorts. It didn't say if Abdelbrim Taital, the rapist,
was actually strung up or not.


IT'S DAMNED HARD TO FIND A GOOD MECHANIC

    Investigators looking into the crash of the Continental Express that
killed 14 people in Texas found 43 screws missing from the leading edge of
the planes stabilizer.                                                                              
                                                                             

WHAT'S SO GOOD ABOUT GATORADE AND OTHER SPORTS DRINKS?

    Nothing, says Consumer Reports. So when you see that macho halfback
drinking from the cup or bottle that says "Gatorade" it isn't going to help
his body make any spectacular plays. Plain water is just as good, says CR.
The only difference, if the water is flavored, it might make you want to take
in more fluids, which is healthy.


JUNIOR HAS GONE FOR A DIP

      And what a dip it was. Eleven-year-old Patrick Reid of South San
Francisco swam round trip in the bay from Fort Point to Fort Baker and back
in one hour and twenty three minutes. This sets a record, he being the
youngest. That afternoon, after the swim, he joined in a game of baseball.
Ho-Hum.                                                                              
                                                                             

WHERE ARE OUR TEACHERS?

    The Carnegie Commission on Science, Technology and Government has come
up with the following educational information.
    Only about 35,000 of the one million elementary school teachers are
specifically trained for math and science teaching.
    67% of elementary science teachers have inadequate course preparation
in science.
    82% of those teachers are deficient in mathematics.
                                                                                   

REALLY! THIS QUITE DISTRACTING.

    She was well dressed and didn't attract any undue attention until
Supervisor Brady Bevis started to address the Business Womens Network at
the Alta Mira hotel. She excused herself, went to the restroom then re-
appeared completely nude. After urging by some of the audience, she put
her clothes back on and then the police arrived.. She was removed to
Marin General Hospital for observation.                                                                              
                                                                             

THOSE VIKING HORNS ARE PHONEY.

    There is absolutely no evidence of Vikings wearing those helmets with
horns sticking out of the sides. It is believed that some history textbook
illustrator had just returned from a Wagnerian opera (where such helmets are
worn) and thought it would be a dandy idea if the Vikings wore horns. The idea
caught on.                                                                              
                                                                             

IS HE NICKNAMED FANG?

    Miami Universitys' Serpentarium Laboratories maintains over 1,000
    exotic poisonous snakes which manufactures snake bite antivemins.
    William E. Haast, a lab researcher has been bitten over 148 times,
    the last time by a Pakistani pit viper. Sluffed it if thinking
    he was immune. He wasn't. An airplane relay carried the antidote
    across the country arriving just in time to save his life. Haast
    is 78 years old.


NEW RECORDS ARE SET ALL OF THE TIME

    Janusz Chomatek, of Warsaw Poland, bounced a tennis ball on his head
    for an hour and 45 minutes a grand total of 15,225 times, 145 times
    a minute. Breaks his previous record by 17 minutes.


ANYTHING FOR A LAUGH

    Richard Hunter, of Roslyn Heights, N.Y. was placed under arrest
    after late night breakins in to womens homes and awakening them
    by tickling their feet. Afterwards, took their shoes along as
    souveniers.

WHEN SHE KISSED THE TOAD, HE TURNED INTO A PRINCE? OF COURSE!

    If she kissed the South American cane toad. The toads produce
    a toxin called bufotenine to ward off preditors. If humans
    lick this toxin off their skin they get dandy hallucinations.
    In fact, South Carolina has a bill introduced making it illegal
    to get high on toad licking.


THEY KIDNAPPED RONALD MCDONALD

    Well, his statue anyways. It was removed from a McDonalds in
    Canonsburg, Pa. A ransom note was received demanding 150 quarter
    pounders, 150 milkshakes, 1 tab soft drink and 150 Atari cards.
    Failure to meet the kidnappers demands would result in Ronald
    being melted down and cast into ashtrays and given to a competitive
    food outlet.  The culprets were caught and Ronald was safely returned.

I'VE HAD A BAD DAY

    They didn't give his name, but Tulsa police arrested a man who
    had gone into a convenience store and held the clerk at bay with
    a .375 calbier Magnum and demanded a beer.  Drank it on the premises
    and left after saying, "This is all I want...I've had a bad day."






YOUR SLIP IS SHOWING

San Jose spent over $10,000 for a sign that was supposed to say WELCOME
in Tagalog, the native language of the Phillipines. However, a guard
read the sign and immediately reported an error. The way they had it
spelled, it read CIRCUMCISION.


NOT A SEX CHANGE, BUT A SEX EXTENSION.

    Men who feel they are a little short can now go to Beijing for a
    penis extension. Seems two Chinese doctors have found a way to
    take a graft from the forearm and tack it on to what is down in
    the crotch.


THE WINNER GETS $500

    "It sells a lot of beer and brings in the customers." says Bill Rogers,
    owner of the Cooler tavern in Eugene Oregon. The gimmik being that every
    other Saturday contestants pour in to see if they can qualify in the finals
    to be the the fastest to eat a can of dog food. Timing stops after you
    finish, raise your hand, and say "Arf, Arf". Oh yeah, you got to pay
    $10 for an entry fee.


BIG NAME. BIG BUSINESS. BIG SCANDAL.

    They refer to it as BCCI, standing for Bank of Credit and Commerce
    International. To quote a story in the Chronicle: "BCCI, the notorious
    Pakistani-run, Arab-owned bank, operated in 73 countries and is accused
    of trying to secretly buy control of several U.S. banks and laundrying
    money, bribing government officials, financing terrorists and cheating
    depositors out of $5 billion to $10 billion."


DILDO IS ITS NAME

    Seems like newcomers think there could be a better name than
    DILDO, Newfoundland. Older residents see nothing obscene with
    the town's name and have resisted moves to make any changes.


                                                      ....The End
_____________________________________________________________________________
Wanted: Textfiles. Humorous-Expose'-How To-Supernatural-Oddball. Anything
                  that will arouse a readers curiosity. No anarchy/hacking.
                  STONEHENGE BBS San Rafael, Ca. [415] 479-8328
______________________________________________________________________________

                                                                             
                                                                             
                                                                             
                                                                             
                                                                             
                                                                             
                                                                             
                                                                             
                                                                             
                                                                             
                                                                             
                                                              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               ЪДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДї
               і                                               і
               і                                               і
               і                 *EXCERPTS*                    і
               і                                               і
               і          News you may NOT have read.          і
               і            (Changed Every Saturday)           і
               і                                               і
               і                                               і
               АДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДЩ
                Stonehenge BBS                   415 479-8328





                                                                             
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ELEVEN YEAR OLD A.J. FOYT?

   In Seattle, an eleven year old boy led state troopers on a 20-mile
high speed chase. He was caught after stacking the stolen car, but was
uninjured.  The boy told the police he wanted to faster, but didn't know
how to get the car into a higher gear.


EAU DE SNIFF-SNIFF

    Nothing: Eau de Cologne Imaginaire. "For the man who has everything."
It's an empty cologne bottle where a man takes it and dabs a bit of nothing
under his arms to keep the natural male aroma. It's coming to market and will
sell for $4.99. I'm not kidding.


DRINK 10 GLASSES OF GIN AND DIE

    That's what 17-year-old Troy Smith of New Haven, Connecticut did.
The paramedics arrived, pronounced him dead and put a sheet over him.
Smith then gave a little "wiggle" they removed the sheet, pronounced him
alive, and rushed him to the hospital. Took him over 5 hours to regain
consciousness. "Acute alcohol poisoning can depress the nervous system
to where it may be difficuly to determine whether a victim has died,"
said Dr. John Shriver, head of the hospital emergency unit.
   

USE YOUR MOUTH, NOT YOUR FINGER

    Voice dialing is on its way. Just pick up your phone and say
    "MOM" and the phone will automatically dial the number. A
    company called Nynex will have them on the market in 1993.


GIVING MOM LAST RITES

    Johnny Tee Harrington, in Batesville, Arkansas followed the last
    wishes of his mom. After she died, he gave her a party. Placed a
    beer in one hand and a cigarette in the other as she lay in her
    casket. Felony charges  for "abuse of a corpse" were dropped when
    it was found Harrington really loved his mom. "I'd do it again,"
    Harrington said.


IT'S BAD LUCK TO WALK UNDER A LADDER

    It's worse to climb one then fall. At least 93,000 people a year
    end up in hospital emergency rooms with injuries sustained while
    using a ladder.


WORLDS LARGEST PIZZA

    It's a Guiness record. In Havana, Florida, they have made the worlds
    largest pizza. Lorenzo Amato, helped by 150 pizza cooks, created a
    pizza that measured 140 feet across and weighed more than 22 tons.
    The previous Guiness record was a 112 foot pizza made in Singapore.
    The work took almost seven hours. AS food company donated 18,174
    pounds of flour, 6,445 pounds of sauce and more than a ton of
    pepperoni. It was not the worlds best, many confided, but it is
    the worlds largest.
 

LETS JUMP OFF A BRIDGE

    With a parachute, of course. In Fayetteville, W.Va., It's an annual
    ritual that attracts thousands of spectators. More than 300 jumpers
    appear to leap off the 867-foot-high New River Gorge Bridge to land
    in a tree filled gorge. In all, only seven jumpers had to be taken
    to the hospital for injuries.

 
THE ABACUS IS STILL FASTER

     In some cases says Li Xin, consultant for the National Abacus
     Association. A good abacus user can add or subtract up to 600
     numerals in a minute. Where the abacus beats the computer is that
     a single bead can represent 100 million. Nine numbers have to be
     entered in the calculator to get the same number.


PHONE ME WITH YOUR SALES PITCH AND U PAY ME $100.

    Telemarketing sales people have to be careful who they call,
    especially if the recipient is a member of Private Citizen.
    A solicitation phone call can cost them $100. You pay $20
    a year for use of this service and they say solication calls
    drop 70%. No details on how Private Citizen collects, but for
    more information you can call 800-CUT-JUNK.

 

SWEET THINGS AREN'T THAT SINFUL

    We're talking about sugar. They have found that sugar is not the
    chief cause of tooth decay. Starchy foods like breads and cereals
    are worse.  But, for reasons, it is agreed on that too much sugar
    is consumed annually by the individual. About 200 pounds for each
    person.

 
NO MA'AM. YOU WEREN'T PREGNANT

    Doctors removed a 303 pound ovarian cyst from a 5'10" woman
    at Stanford Hospital. It is thought to be the largest ever removed.
    The cyst had grown to three feet in diameter over a 10 year period.

 
OWN A COMPUTER OR NO COLLEGE ADMISSION

    According to a GGCS article, Dartmouth College will require all
    undergraduates to own a personal computer when classes start
    this fall. The BASIC language was also developed at Dartmouth.



EYE CATCHING SLOGANS

    Tow Truck Company                 " We don't want an an arm
                                        and a leg. Just your tows."

    Bar-B-Que Cafe                    "We will serve no swine before
                                       it's time."

    Photography Shop                  "First we shoot you. Then we blow
                                       you up."

    Hot Dog Parlor                    "We have steaming buns."

    Peters Taylor Shop                "Peters made to measure."

    Electrical Repair                 "Let us look into your shorts."

    Plumber                           "If it wasn't for me, you'd have
                                       no place to go."

    Vacuuming Business                " My business sucks."

                                                   The End
_____________________________________________________________________________
Wanted: Textfiles. Humorous-How To-Expose'-Supernatural-Oddball. Anything
                  that will arouse a readers curiosity. No anarchy/hacking.
                  STONEHENGE BBS San Rafael, Ca. [415] 479-8328
______________________________________________________________________________





               ЪДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДї
               і                                               і
               і                                               і
               і                   *EXCERPTS*                  і
               і                                               і
               і           News you may NOT have read.         і
               і                                               і
               і             Changed Every Saturday            і
               і                                               і
               АДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДЩ
                Stonehenge BBS                     415 479-8328








.






SATANISM IN THE MORMON CHURCH?

    Seems some sixty cases of ritualized abuse (& killings?) have been
reported in Mormon affiliated Cliques in Utah, Idaho, California, Mexico and
other locations. Glen Pace, a member of the three-man bishopric, wrote at
least 800 church affiliated Satanists are now practicing occult rituals and
devil worship in Salt Lake City. One sheriff expressed his doubts about any
ritual killings. No bodies have shown up.


GET AGAINST THE WALL FOR A FRISK

    Metal detectors are being considered as an option at Castlemont High
School in Oakland where a shooting occurred last Thursday. Richard Mesa,
school superintendent said, We cannot and will not tolerate weapons on our
campus."


SO YOU WANT TO BE A GOOD SAMITARIAN AND GET INVOLVED?

    In Columbia, S.C., Raymond Reynolds saw a woman screaming and kicking
being dragged across the street by four men. "They slammed her against the
wall twice, then started running towards the open motel door with her."
Reynolds yelled and tried to help her.  The four men charged him with guns,
told him they were cops arresting a prostitute. Reynolds spent the night on
a jail cell floor and arrested for disorderly conduct.

WOMAN WINS HARRASSMENT CASE

    Poor soul. Just couldn't stand the pin-ups the male shipyard workers
had on the walls. A U.S. district judge ruled that sexually suggestive posters
constituted sexual harrassment. She was awarded one dollar.  :-)  :-)  :-)
                      HA! HA! HA!      ROFL

THREE'S A CROWD

    In Santa Monica, Ca. If there is a line 3-deep to use the womans
toilet, they have a right to use the men's facilities and visa-versa. But,
there had better be a line of 3 or more.  Any less will lead to an arrest on
a misdemeanor charge....six months in the clapper (not crapper) and a maximum
fine of $500.

A PAPER SHREDDER ASSURES PRIVACY?

    Uh, Uh.  Not til the judge said it did. Seems Alan Scott, 39, shredded
a bunch of papers he didn't want the IRS to see. Well, the IRS got his trash
and like kindergarten kids with a bunch of paste put Humpty Dumpty together
again. The U.S. District Judge, Joseph Tauro said this was, indeed, an
invasion of privacy, and the papers would be suppressed at Scott's trial.


GUESS YOU COULD SAY HE LED A FULL, SUCCESSFUL LIFE  --SELF MADE MAN

    His name was Peter Cooper, Made hats, brewed beer, built coaches.
Designed the first American steam locomotive (Tom Thumb) Helped lay the
first Atlantic cable. Founded Cooper Union for free education in arts and
science.  Also invented Jello. He didn't have much of a formal education.
                                            --Grab Bag S.F. Chron.-
     

WANT YOUR PURRETTA PIERCED?

    Seems that piercing ears isn't enough. Now it's noses and even tongues.
    Lordy who knows where else. If you just can't wait to be pierced, you
    can go to Body Manipulations, 254 Fillmore St., San Francisco.
    Purretta? I made the word up.


TELL IT TO THE COURT

    And that's just what 79-year-old Florence Orbach did when challenged for
jury duty in the Kennedy rape trial. Had the court ROFL. (Rolling on the floor
laughing.) Here are her statements:

                        "Who cares who diddled who?"

               "The worst thing I've heard about the Kennedys
                is that they are very smart, but when they get
                horny, their penis takes over and their brain
                closes."

                "The only thing I know about the Kennedy case is
                 that somebody was running around without his pants on.
                 I think is was Kennedy--the fat Senator. He's idealistic
                 ---but maybe a little horny."


SHUDDUP!!

    Tell this to a parakeet owned by Camille Jordan and the bird just keeps
talking. Puck, the parakeet's name has a recorded vocabulary of over 778
words. Camille Jordan wants go get him in the Guinness Book of Records for the
most talkative bird.


WHAT'S HOT IN KIDS NAMES?

    If you gotta pick a name for your kid, just watch a few late night
westerns.  Seems Erik, Scott, Jason, etc. are out. Now you name 'em CODY,
DAKOTA or ??? How about Cameron, Wild Bill, Wyatt ???? Shux..maybe instead
of having battles in the school parking lots, the meeting could take place
at the O.K. Corral?  Once knew a kid named Shiloh...if you are up on Southern
history??


MALE AGGRESSION

     We men are sure a bunch of woman pounders according to the news.
However, this guy from New York writes Ann Landers: "I work in a hospital
emergency room. Last night five men came in after being attacked by their
wives."   Anyways, a woman can nag and push a man so far and there is a very
thin line before the breaking point....Remember, years back, my wife
raggin' on me while I was painting the outside of the house.  I had a big
roller dripping with paint......It didn't happen, but your imagine can tell
you what I was seriously had in mind....:-)


HOW TO BE A SMART ASS IN THE SUPERMARKET..(Witty Answers)

Checkout clerk: Did you see the price on this?

You:  Yeah..Two large black lines, one thin line, three large black lines,
     etc, etc.

                                 *

Clerk: Paper or Plastic?

Customer:  Well, you can make up your mind while I write a check.

                                  *

B-A-A-A-D BREATH AMERICANS

    Just a note that garlic consumption has hit an all time high in America.
    Wanted to whisper that it's a great way to break a relationship.
    Just keep arriving with garlic breath.   :-)



HAND MADE ISN'T BETTER

    According to Redbook magazine, sperm for sperm banks is healthier
if discharged during sexual intercourse rather than through masturbation.
For better results and livelier sperm, it is best to keep the process out
of hand.


HE CAN RUN, JUMP, CATCH, AND HIT A BALL.

    So, Bobby Bonilla of the Mets just signed a 5-year contract worth
twenty-nine-million dollars.

                       ........That's $ 29,000,000.00


"I DIDN'T HEAR THE WHISTLE"   (AH, CUMMON!)

    Up at the Redwood Land Fill, a northbound train collided with a
18 wheel rig. Caught the rear end of the trailer flipping it over. Richard
Grant, 29, the rig's driver, said he didn't see the flashing red warning
lights, hear the trains whistle, the crossing bells,or see the train.  There
was clear visibility for at least two miles in each direction. Hmmmmm! A lost
race?
                                             


PAST AMERICANA?

      Say goodbye to the cigarette vending machines.....in Sacramento,
anyways. They have voted to have all cigarette vending machines removed.
Probably other cities will follow.


NAMES OF FOREIGN PRODUCTS

    Black Ass Glue                            China
    Blue Peter       (canned fish)            Norway
    Fockink          (liqueur)                Netherlands
    Last Climax      (Paper Tissues)          Japan
    Shitto           (Spiced Peppers)         Ghana
    Green Piles      (Fertilizer)             Japan
    PiPi             (Orangeade)              Yugoslavia
    Trim Pecker      (Trowsers)               Japan
    Superglans       (Car Wax)                Netherlands
    Mucos            (Soft Drink)             Japan
    Pshit            (Soft Drink)             France


                                                      The End.....

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FORE!

    Hear the joke about the golfer who returned and told his wife what a
terrible day he had? "My partner, Joe, died of a heart attack on the 3rd
hole. It was hit the ball--pull Joe, hit the ball--pull Joe."
    Well, truth is stranger than fiction. In Winterhaven, Fla., Donald
DeGreve died of a heart attack on the 16th green. They covered his body
with a sheet and players played around him.


HE WAS A PRICK

    What do Americans think of Pricks?  They change their name, especially
if the name is going to be continually reviewed in magazines and newspapers.
He arrived from England to take the conductors podium of the San Francisco
Opera. Christopher Prick's name has been changed to Christopher Perick.


OH DEAR! THE ATTORNEY WAS OFFENDED.

    In Wyoming, attorney Gerry Spence's nose was quite out of joint just
because Hustler magazine called him Asshole Of The Month. He has sued the
magazine for $150-million. ...Reminds me of the joke where a young child asks,
"Mommy. Are babies born through assholes." Mommy replies, "Of course! How do
you think attorneys are born."


HOW DO YOU MAKE A BLONDES EYES LIGHT UP?

          Shine a flashlight in her ear.              


GOOD SAMARITAN?

    The kindly priest was always there..at plane crashes and autombile
accidents. In Florida, police arrested John Irish as posing as Father John
Irish, impersonating a catholic priest. Seems the kindly father was consoling
accident victims then steering them to the services of a certain Miami lawyer.


DADDYS HELPER

    The Michigan Board of Medicine suspended the practice of Dr. Leonard
for two weeks. Seems he let his son pass a catheter up a 50-year-old
womans bladder then allowed him to put in a couple of stitches to help
sew up a layer of tissue.


THIS MAN COULD WORK FOR DOMINO'S

    John Rosano II, was stopped by Michigan State Police for speeding
upwards to 120 MPH. Rosano's excuse.....He'd just purchased a roast beef
sandwich and wanted to get home to eat it while it was hot.


ONLY IN LOS ANGELES..OR COULD IT HAPPEN IN THE CASTRO?

A man wearing a G-string, chaps, a shirt and shoes..but no pants..was
arrested in the early A.M. in Los Angeles, being led down the sidewalk on
a chain by another man. They booked the first man for indecent exposure.
The second man was not arrested. There is no law against leading someone
by a chain.


THOSE POOR, CUTE INNOCENT RATS

    In Washington, U.S. District Judge Charles R. Richey ruled that rats
are entitled to the same humane conditions required for other research
animals.


NOW HEAR THIS, YOU DOGS.

    You can only bark once an hour for two minutes at a time. You cannot
bark between the hours of 8 p.m. and 8 a.m. This was the ruling that a judge
in Los Osos, Calif. gave against Buddy, Missey and Precious, three bassett
hounds. An appeal has been filed. .........by Fred Bassett?? ..:-)


PLEASE, GOD, NEVER LET ME SLEEPWALK.

Especially if you raid the refrigerator in your sleep. Such people have been
known to eat cat food, buttered cigarettes and large doses of medicine.
Sweet dreams.......


                                             ..the end

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               і                   *EXCERPTS*                  і
               і                                               і
               і           News you may NOT have read.         і
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.






AFTER ALL, IT IS CHRISTMAS

    Police in Lincoln, Pennsylvania have been hassled by an intruder
breaking into their radio airwaves playing Christmas carols on a kazoo,
whistling and belching.


IT'S ALL IN A NAME

    People in Tampa, Florida petitioned the court to have a dog put to
death who has severely bitten three people. The dogs name is Hitler.





SUPPLIMENTAL INCOME?

    In Tampa, Florida, a man dressed in a toll takers uniform collected
motorists money on the Crosstown Expressway for several hours before being
detected.


SOARING NUDE

    The Hidden Valley Nudist Resort near Dawsonville, Georgia, celebrated
its 1988 National Nude Week by having eight male nude skydivers jump out of a
plane and land in a nearby field.


HO! HO! HO!....BELL RINGER PUNCHED OUT

    Guess this guy was a Christmas stress-out..Just couldn't stand hearing
the ringing of that Goddam Salvation Army bell any longer. A still
un-apprehended 30-year-old male is being sought for attacking two Salvation
Army bell ringers in Eureka, Ca. Ella Lowrey, one of the ringers said the
man approached the kettle like he was going to make a donation. "Then he did
a number on my eye."


I WAS KIDNAPPED, ROBBED, MY THROAT CUT, AND I WAS LEFT TO DIE

    William F. Francis of Silicon Valley slipped a note, written in his
blood, saying "S.O.S." through a slot of the trunk of his car.  Passerbys
noticed the note and called authorities who found Francis in the trunk
bleeding from his wounds. The whole affair was proven phoney. Francis said
he did it to cover up a two day binge, not keeping business appointments.



BUT MOM, IT'S FUN!

    A dwarf known as "Mister Skyman" wants the French government to lift its
ban on dwarf tossing so he can have his job back. The 4-foot Mister Skyman,
whose real name is Manuel Wackenheim, was employed to be a human projectile.
He dressed in a jumpsuit and a crash helmet with bar customers seeing who
could fling him the farthest into an inflatable mattress.


EVER HEAR OF SIDNEY MOBELL?

    He's the S.F. jeweler who thinks "big" when it comes to jeweled
creations. His latest is a jeweled mailbox with 274 gems totaling 77 carats
and you can buy it for the low price of $250,000.
Some of Sid's other creations:

      Jeweled Toilet Seat                       $240,000.

      Diamond Studded Frisbee                      ?

      Gold Plated, Jeweled Gum Machine           $170,000

      Mouse Trap. The cheese is a Diamond        $12,000

      Hour Glass. 200 tiny diamonds replaces sand    ?

    Mobell considers all a work of art and expects them to be in museums.


FREEZE!

    In Sacramento, Frank DeVol, 50, was sitting in his truck when he
witnessed a bank holdup where one culpret tried to escape on a bicycle.
Frank had a gun in his car, poked it out of the window, and told the man
to lie face down on the pavement. He said he learned this technique from
the 1959 movie, "The FBI Story."

                                                   The End
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Wanted: Textfiles. -Humorous-Expose'-How To-Supernatural-Oddball. Anything
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