*EXCERPTS* News you may NOT have read. Changed Every SaturdayЪДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДї і і і і і *EXCERPTS* і і і і News you may NOT have read. і і і і Changed Every Saturday і і і АДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДЩ Stonehenge BBS San Rafael, Ca. [415] 479-8328 . THE MASTER THIEF When the holdup man was told by the teller she had no money, he fainted and was arrested on the spot. Police, discovering his car outside, found he had locked his keys inside. Happened in Swansea, Mass. BUD LIGHT? That's what Madison Avenue encourages for you to ask for when you buy a beer. But what if it is your name??? Bud Light, and it is his real name, does have a sense of humor. Say's. "My Dad was the regular Bud Light. I was the eight ounce size. GIVE YOUR ENGLISH TEACHER THIS GRAMMATICALLY CORRECT SENTENCE You may have to explain it. Buffalo - as an animal (noun). Buffalo - a place ( a proper noun that can be used as an ajective. Buffalo - to bewilder (verb) Therefore you have: "Buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo." .... a perfectly correct sentence that will confuse people nicely. BECAUSE IT'S FUN In 1989 a mystery man appeared in Dallas dressed in an ape costume. Gave away more than $6,000 to people on the street, passing out $50 bills. They never found who he was, but he did mutter, under his ape mask, "It's a heck of a lot of fun. A TRUE STORY WORTH TELLING AGAIN Seems, in Long Beach, Larry Walters, 33, attached a bunch of helium balloons to his lawn chair plus supplies of a B-B gun and a CB radio. UP AND AWAY!..Rose to 16,000 feet with witnessing pilots trying to explain it to their controllers and radar going crazy. To descend, he used the BB gun to pop the balloons. Got to 5 feet of the ground and jumped off. The FAA didn't think it was that funny and a bit of Long Beach was blacked out because his tethers snagged on some powerlines. Paid a fine of $1500. WHY AREA CODE 510 ? There has been a 500% increase for telephones since 1987 in the Bay Area. The paging market and cellular phones have responsible for 40% in 1991. Then you have fax machines and modems. That's why. HELLO! 911? THIS AN EMERGENCY! "Two women have stuffed a girl in the trunk of their car and covered her with a blanket." Police surrounded and stopped the car & inspected the trunk. It contained a mannequin. Cops forgot their professionalism and started laughing. Driver laughed too. Everyone left happy. Happened in Warwick, Rhode Island. BEAT THE ENERGY CRISIS. OWN A COW. A cow produces enough methane gas in a year to provide for all of the space heating and cooking heat needed for a small house. And, you'd also get milk, cream and butter. Add one sheep and you could live for very little...........:-) TO PROVE HE WAS TRUSTWORTHY Sheriff deputy, Edward Perez, plus two others were arrested in Rialto, California for a credit card scam and going on a $55,000 buying spree. Perez, an ex-marine, spend some of his loot purchasing a Marine Corps Good Conduct ribbon for himself. IF YOU ARE PAYING FOR THE BEST YOU MIGHT AS WELL GET A NYMPHO. Seems the prostitution scandal in Fort Lauderdale, Florida has provided a list of VERY prominent people who paid the nympho/prostitute for her services. One accused, Mike Danziger, Vice Mayor, had previously introduced an ordinance banning bars with nude dancers. THIS IS SICK I can't imagine this, but here's the scoop. Kids in New York can buy novelty pencils that look like syringes. Have calibrated marks and a red fluid inside resembling blood. Fresh lead is produced by pressing the plunger. They sell for a buck. "This is the work of a sick company that could care less about the lives of children," said a state authority. ....The End ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Wanted: Textfiles. Humorous-Expose-How to-Supernatural-Oddball. Anything that will arouse a readers interest. No anarchy/hacking. STONEHENGE BBS San Rafael, Ca. [415] 479-8328 _____________________________________________________________________________ ЪДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДї і і і і і *EXCERPTS* і і і і News you may NOT have read. і і і і Changed Every Saturday і і і АДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДЩ STONEHENGE BBS San Rafael, Ca. [415] 479-8328 DRINK IT HERE OR TAKE IT WITH YOU? In Charlestown, West Virginia, a man pulled a gun outside a convenience store minutes before it opened, fired a shot through the front window to gain entry, and forced the clerk (who was preparing for the day's business) to sell him a can of STP oil treatment. SIDE EFFECTS FROM NINTENDO BRINGS LAWYERS TO ACTION Well, in one case anyways. Nicole LaBruzzy, 17, claims she got carpel tunnel syndrome after playing Nintendo games for about a year. Claims she was unable to type or write because of its pain. Attorneys say that Nintendo should warn of such possible side effects. FINDING MONEY WHEN YOU ARE NOT DREAMING You work for a casino, you go to the escalator and on the floor, just laying there are seven bundles of $100 bills. $50,000 all together. The panic phone call from a patron resulted in success. Walter Emenecker, the employee had turned it in to security. WE DON'T LICENSE THIS IN SAN FRANCISCO (I DON'T THINK?) The City of Los Angeles has issued a zoning permit for a bondage parlor, one of those places which gratifies its customers with whips, chains and ???? Patrons at the Club Chateau in North Hollywood will pay $100 for being submissive to a dominating female who will, in all probability have whip or some other device. There is one stipulation to this permit. Noise from within must not be heard outside. OOPS! WRONG FLOPPIE? Seems no one checked the printouts to the rocket guidance unit of the rocket that had to be destroyed at Cape Canaveral last week. I sometimes load the wrong floppy myself. I won't, however, have to explain my mistake to the Pentagon. LOOK AT THAT S.O.B. GO! That's what astronomers are saying since they have discovered a a pulsating neutron star believed to have formed 15,000 years and thought to be moving at 5.35 million miles per hour. I'M HAVING A BALL A paymaster showed up at a camp where the Cambodiam soldiers had not been paid in four months. The problem was, the paymaster didn't have any money. The soldiers were real pissed. They ate him. USE A CONDOM This includes uses by deranged pranksters. In Flagstaff, Arizona, Edith Tyler sued for $150,000 because she found a condom in her stuffed cabbage. Carl Gentry of Newport, Tennessee got $2,500 when he found a condom in a can of Pork and Beans. CAN SAFE SEX BE HAD IN A SMALL AIRPLANE? Apparently not. A 57 year old pilot and his female passenger were killed when their Cessna 172 slammed into a cliff near Lake Mead near Las Vegas. Authorities concluded by the position of the bodies that an act of oral sex was taking place at the time of the impact. It did not state if the plane did any loops before impact. AND IF YOU HAD HIS NAME? In DeKalb County, Georgia, Superior court ruled that Gary Eugene Duda, 35, could change his first name to "ZIPPIDY." YOUR OWN BUMPER CAR? BOY, OH BOY!. Thieves in Bridgeport, Connecticut broke into a warehouse containing golf carts. When the word got around, everyone just helped themselves. Police estimated 50 to 200 carts were stolen and then used for a demolition derby in the Bridgeport streets. IT JUST WASN'T HIS DAY. (This is sad.) Dennis Williams, of Troy, Montana, rolled his truck. Badly injured, he tried crawling back through tall grass to the highway to summon help. Two hunters saw the movement in the grass, thought it was a bear, shot and hit him in the legs and chest. Williams right leg had to be amputated and he is still in serious condition but improving. ALL ABOUT FIDO A Tokyo firm runs a mobil pet funeral service. They arrive in an appropriately painted van, console the owner, read poetry, put Fido in a doggy coffin, creamate him, return the ash filled urn to the owner. Cost? $400. - here's another - A New York firm, called Animal Manors, Inc. will build and exact replica of your house to be used by fido. Cost? About $10,000 + options. .....the end. _____________________________________________________________________________ Wanted: Textfiles. Humorous-Expose'-How To-Supernatural-Oddball. Anything that will arouse a readers curiosity. No anarchy/hacking. STONEHENGE BBS San Rafael, Ca. [415] 479-8328 ______________________________________________________________________________ ЪДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДї і і і і і *EXCERPTS* і і і і News you may NOT have read. і і і і Changed Every Saturday і і і АДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДЩ Stonehenge BBS 415 479-8328 . A SURE-FIRE WAY TO INCREASE YOUR BUSINESS. Business was slow for Darel Lafton's gas station in Des Moines, until he came up with the idea of BOOB 'N LUBE. Two topless women vacuum your car as you watch. N.O.W. The National Organization for women has becomes quite incensed at this type of promotion, "but", Lafton says, " business has increased 50%." HERE'S ALWAYS LIFE'S LITTLE TEMPTATIONS It's against the law to fly under the Golden Gate Bridge in your private airplane, yet pilots occasionally do it. In Paris, one pilot took it a bit lower and flew under the Eiffel Tower. This has been the first time since someone they nicknamed the Black Baron made a few passes in 1988. DON'T EVER VIOLATE A PELICAN IN GREECE. A lynch mob of some 4,000 angry citizens formed on the Greek Aegean Sea island of Gyros all set to hang a rapist. The pelican that he raped died, adding murder to the charge. Evidence that pointed to his guilt were pelican feathers found in his shorts. It didn't say if Abdelbrim Taital, the rapist, was actually strung up or not. IT'S DAMNED HARD TO FIND A GOOD MECHANIC Investigators looking into the crash of the Continental Express that killed 14 people in Texas found 43 screws missing from the leading edge of the planes stabilizer. WHAT'S SO GOOD ABOUT GATORADE AND OTHER SPORTS DRINKS? Nothing, says Consumer Reports. So when you see that macho halfback drinking from the cup or bottle that says "Gatorade" it isn't going to help his body make any spectacular plays. Plain water is just as good, says CR. The only difference, if the water is flavored, it might make you want to take in more fluids, which is healthy. JUNIOR HAS GONE FOR A DIP And what a dip it was. Eleven-year-old Patrick Reid of South San Francisco swam round trip in the bay from Fort Point to Fort Baker and back in one hour and twenty three minutes. This sets a record, he being the youngest. That afternoon, after the swim, he joined in a game of baseball. Ho-Hum. WHERE ARE OUR TEACHERS? The Carnegie Commission on Science, Technology and Government has come up with the following educational information. Only about 35,000 of the one million elementary school teachers are specifically trained for math and science teaching. 67% of elementary science teachers have inadequate course preparation in science. 82% of those teachers are deficient in mathematics. REALLY! THIS QUITE DISTRACTING. She was well dressed and didn't attract any undue attention until Supervisor Brady Bevis started to address the Business Womens Network at the Alta Mira hotel. She excused herself, went to the restroom then re- appeared completely nude. After urging by some of the audience, she put her clothes back on and then the police arrived.. She was removed to Marin General Hospital for observation. THOSE VIKING HORNS ARE PHONEY. There is absolutely no evidence of Vikings wearing those helmets with horns sticking out of the sides. It is believed that some history textbook illustrator had just returned from a Wagnerian opera (where such helmets are worn) and thought it would be a dandy idea if the Vikings wore horns. The idea caught on. IS HE NICKNAMED FANG? Miami Universitys' Serpentarium Laboratories maintains over 1,000 exotic poisonous snakes which manufactures snake bite antivemins. William E. Haast, a lab researcher has been bitten over 148 times, the last time by a Pakistani pit viper. Sluffed it if thinking he was immune. He wasn't. An airplane relay carried the antidote across the country arriving just in time to save his life. Haast is 78 years old. NEW RECORDS ARE SET ALL OF THE TIME Janusz Chomatek, of Warsaw Poland, bounced a tennis ball on his head for an hour and 45 minutes a grand total of 15,225 times, 145 times a minute. Breaks his previous record by 17 minutes. ANYTHING FOR A LAUGH Richard Hunter, of Roslyn Heights, N.Y. was placed under arrest after late night breakins in to womens homes and awakening them by tickling their feet. Afterwards, took their shoes along as souveniers. WHEN SHE KISSED THE TOAD, HE TURNED INTO A PRINCE? OF COURSE! If she kissed the South American cane toad. The toads produce a toxin called bufotenine to ward off preditors. If humans lick this toxin off their skin they get dandy hallucinations. In fact, South Carolina has a bill introduced making it illegal to get high on toad licking. THEY KIDNAPPED RONALD MCDONALD Well, his statue anyways. It was removed from a McDonalds in Canonsburg, Pa. A ransom note was received demanding 150 quarter pounders, 150 milkshakes, 1 tab soft drink and 150 Atari cards. Failure to meet the kidnappers demands would result in Ronald being melted down and cast into ashtrays and given to a competitive food outlet. The culprets were caught and Ronald was safely returned. I'VE HAD A BAD DAY They didn't give his name, but Tulsa police arrested a man who had gone into a convenience store and held the clerk at bay with a .375 calbier Magnum and demanded a beer. Drank it on the premises and left after saying, "This is all I want...I've had a bad day." YOUR SLIP IS SHOWING San Jose spent over $10,000 for a sign that was supposed to say WELCOME in Tagalog, the native language of the Phillipines. However, a guard read the sign and immediately reported an error. The way they had it spelled, it read CIRCUMCISION. NOT A SEX CHANGE, BUT A SEX EXTENSION. Men who feel they are a little short can now go to Beijing for a penis extension. Seems two Chinese doctors have found a way to take a graft from the forearm and tack it on to what is down in the crotch. THE WINNER GETS $500 "It sells a lot of beer and brings in the customers." says Bill Rogers, owner of the Cooler tavern in Eugene Oregon. The gimmik being that every other Saturday contestants pour in to see if they can qualify in the finals to be the the fastest to eat a can of dog food. Timing stops after you finish, raise your hand, and say "Arf, Arf". Oh yeah, you got to pay $10 for an entry fee. BIG NAME. BIG BUSINESS. BIG SCANDAL. They refer to it as BCCI, standing for Bank of Credit and Commerce International. To quote a story in the Chronicle: "BCCI, the notorious Pakistani-run, Arab-owned bank, operated in 73 countries and is accused of trying to secretly buy control of several U.S. banks and laundrying money, bribing government officials, financing terrorists and cheating depositors out of $5 billion to $10 billion." DILDO IS ITS NAME Seems like newcomers think there could be a better name than DILDO, Newfoundland. Older residents see nothing obscene with the town's name and have resisted moves to make any changes. ....The End _____________________________________________________________________________ Wanted: Textfiles. Humorous-Expose'-How To-Supernatural-Oddball. Anything that will arouse a readers curiosity. No anarchy/hacking. STONEHENGE BBS San Rafael, Ca. [415] 479-8328 ______________________________________________________________________________ . ЪДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДї і і і і і *EXCERPTS* і і і і News you may NOT have read. і і (Changed Every Saturday) і і і і і АДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДЩ Stonehenge BBS 415 479-8328 . ELEVEN YEAR OLD A.J. FOYT? In Seattle, an eleven year old boy led state troopers on a 20-mile high speed chase. He was caught after stacking the stolen car, but was uninjured. The boy told the police he wanted to faster, but didn't know how to get the car into a higher gear. EAU DE SNIFF-SNIFF Nothing: Eau de Cologne Imaginaire. "For the man who has everything." It's an empty cologne bottle where a man takes it and dabs a bit of nothing under his arms to keep the natural male aroma. It's coming to market and will sell for $4.99. I'm not kidding. DRINK 10 GLASSES OF GIN AND DIE That's what 17-year-old Troy Smith of New Haven, Connecticut did. The paramedics arrived, pronounced him dead and put a sheet over him. Smith then gave a little "wiggle" they removed the sheet, pronounced him alive, and rushed him to the hospital. Took him over 5 hours to regain consciousness. "Acute alcohol poisoning can depress the nervous system to where it may be difficuly to determine whether a victim has died," said Dr. John Shriver, head of the hospital emergency unit. USE YOUR MOUTH, NOT YOUR FINGER Voice dialing is on its way. Just pick up your phone and say "MOM" and the phone will automatically dial the number. A company called Nynex will have them on the market in 1993. GIVING MOM LAST RITES Johnny Tee Harrington, in Batesville, Arkansas followed the last wishes of his mom. After she died, he gave her a party. Placed a beer in one hand and a cigarette in the other as she lay in her casket. Felony charges for "abuse of a corpse" were dropped when it was found Harrington really loved his mom. "I'd do it again," Harrington said. IT'S BAD LUCK TO WALK UNDER A LADDER It's worse to climb one then fall. At least 93,000 people a year end up in hospital emergency rooms with injuries sustained while using a ladder. WORLDS LARGEST PIZZA It's a Guiness record. In Havana, Florida, they have made the worlds largest pizza. Lorenzo Amato, helped by 150 pizza cooks, created a pizza that measured 140 feet across and weighed more than 22 tons. The previous Guiness record was a 112 foot pizza made in Singapore. The work took almost seven hours. AS food company donated 18,174 pounds of flour, 6,445 pounds of sauce and more than a ton of pepperoni. It was not the worlds best, many confided, but it is the worlds largest. LETS JUMP OFF A BRIDGE With a parachute, of course. In Fayetteville, W.Va., It's an annual ritual that attracts thousands of spectators. More than 300 jumpers appear to leap off the 867-foot-high New River Gorge Bridge to land in a tree filled gorge. In all, only seven jumpers had to be taken to the hospital for injuries. THE ABACUS IS STILL FASTER In some cases says Li Xin, consultant for the National Abacus Association. A good abacus user can add or subtract up to 600 numerals in a minute. Where the abacus beats the computer is that a single bead can represent 100 million. Nine numbers have to be entered in the calculator to get the same number. PHONE ME WITH YOUR SALES PITCH AND U PAY ME $100. Telemarketing sales people have to be careful who they call, especially if the recipient is a member of Private Citizen. A solicitation phone call can cost them $100. You pay $20 a year for use of this service and they say solication calls drop 70%. No details on how Private Citizen collects, but for more information you can call 800-CUT-JUNK. SWEET THINGS AREN'T THAT SINFUL We're talking about sugar. They have found that sugar is not the chief cause of tooth decay. Starchy foods like breads and cereals are worse. But, for reasons, it is agreed on that too much sugar is consumed annually by the individual. About 200 pounds for each person. NO MA'AM. YOU WEREN'T PREGNANT Doctors removed a 303 pound ovarian cyst from a 5'10" woman at Stanford Hospital. It is thought to be the largest ever removed. The cyst had grown to three feet in diameter over a 10 year period. OWN A COMPUTER OR NO COLLEGE ADMISSION According to a GGCS article, Dartmouth College will require all undergraduates to own a personal computer when classes start this fall. The BASIC language was also developed at Dartmouth. EYE CATCHING SLOGANS Tow Truck Company " We don't want an an arm and a leg. Just your tows." Bar-B-Que Cafe "We will serve no swine before it's time." Photography Shop "First we shoot you. Then we blow you up." Hot Dog Parlor "We have steaming buns." Peters Taylor Shop "Peters made to measure." Electrical Repair "Let us look into your shorts." Plumber "If it wasn't for me, you'd have no place to go." Vacuuming Business " My business sucks." The End _____________________________________________________________________________ Wanted: Textfiles. Humorous-How To-Expose'-Supernatural-Oddball. Anything that will arouse a readers curiosity. No anarchy/hacking. STONEHENGE BBS San Rafael, Ca. [415] 479-8328 ______________________________________________________________________________ ЪДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДї і і і і і *EXCERPTS* і і і і News you may NOT have read. і і і і Changed Every Saturday і і і АДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДЩ Stonehenge BBS 415 479-8328 . SATANISM IN THE MORMON CHURCH? Seems some sixty cases of ritualized abuse (& killings?) have been reported in Mormon affiliated Cliques in Utah, Idaho, California, Mexico and other locations. Glen Pace, a member of the three-man bishopric, wrote at least 800 church affiliated Satanists are now practicing occult rituals and devil worship in Salt Lake City. One sheriff expressed his doubts about any ritual killings. No bodies have shown up. GET AGAINST THE WALL FOR A FRISK Metal detectors are being considered as an option at Castlemont High School in Oakland where a shooting occurred last Thursday. Richard Mesa, school superintendent said, We cannot and will not tolerate weapons on our campus." SO YOU WANT TO BE A GOOD SAMITARIAN AND GET INVOLVED? In Columbia, S.C., Raymond Reynolds saw a woman screaming and kicking being dragged across the street by four men. "They slammed her against the wall twice, then started running towards the open motel door with her." Reynolds yelled and tried to help her. The four men charged him with guns, told him they were cops arresting a prostitute. Reynolds spent the night on a jail cell floor and arrested for disorderly conduct. WOMAN WINS HARRASSMENT CASE Poor soul. Just couldn't stand the pin-ups the male shipyard workers had on the walls. A U.S. district judge ruled that sexually suggestive posters constituted sexual harrassment. She was awarded one dollar. :-) :-) :-) HA! HA! HA! ROFL THREE'S A CROWD In Santa Monica, Ca. If there is a line 3-deep to use the womans toilet, they have a right to use the men's facilities and visa-versa. But, there had better be a line of 3 or more. Any less will lead to an arrest on a misdemeanor charge....six months in the clapper (not crapper) and a maximum fine of $500. A PAPER SHREDDER ASSURES PRIVACY? Uh, Uh. Not til the judge said it did. Seems Alan Scott, 39, shredded a bunch of papers he didn't want the IRS to see. Well, the IRS got his trash and like kindergarten kids with a bunch of paste put Humpty Dumpty together again. The U.S. District Judge, Joseph Tauro said this was, indeed, an invasion of privacy, and the papers would be suppressed at Scott's trial. GUESS YOU COULD SAY HE LED A FULL, SUCCESSFUL LIFE --SELF MADE MAN His name was Peter Cooper, Made hats, brewed beer, built coaches. Designed the first American steam locomotive (Tom Thumb) Helped lay the first Atlantic cable. Founded Cooper Union for free education in arts and science. Also invented Jello. He didn't have much of a formal education. --Grab Bag S.F. Chron.- WANT YOUR PURRETTA PIERCED? Seems that piercing ears isn't enough. Now it's noses and even tongues. Lordy who knows where else. If you just can't wait to be pierced, you can go to Body Manipulations, 254 Fillmore St., San Francisco. Purretta? I made the word up. TELL IT TO THE COURT And that's just what 79-year-old Florence Orbach did when challenged for jury duty in the Kennedy rape trial. Had the court ROFL. (Rolling on the floor laughing.) Here are her statements: "Who cares who diddled who?" "The worst thing I've heard about the Kennedys is that they are very smart, but when they get horny, their penis takes over and their brain closes." "The only thing I know about the Kennedy case is that somebody was running around without his pants on. I think is was Kennedy--the fat Senator. He's idealistic ---but maybe a little horny." SHUDDUP!! Tell this to a parakeet owned by Camille Jordan and the bird just keeps talking. Puck, the parakeet's name has a recorded vocabulary of over 778 words. Camille Jordan wants go get him in the Guinness Book of Records for the most talkative bird. WHAT'S HOT IN KIDS NAMES? If you gotta pick a name for your kid, just watch a few late night westerns. Seems Erik, Scott, Jason, etc. are out. Now you name 'em CODY, DAKOTA or ??? How about Cameron, Wild Bill, Wyatt ???? Shux..maybe instead of having battles in the school parking lots, the meeting could take place at the O.K. Corral? Once knew a kid named Shiloh...if you are up on Southern history?? MALE AGGRESSION We men are sure a bunch of woman pounders according to the news. However, this guy from New York writes Ann Landers: "I work in a hospital emergency room. Last night five men came in after being attacked by their wives." Anyways, a woman can nag and push a man so far and there is a very thin line before the breaking point....Remember, years back, my wife raggin' on me while I was painting the outside of the house. I had a big roller dripping with paint......It didn't happen, but your imagine can tell you what I was seriously had in mind....:-) HOW TO BE A SMART ASS IN THE SUPERMARKET..(Witty Answers) Checkout clerk: Did you see the price on this? You: Yeah..Two large black lines, one thin line, three large black lines, etc, etc. * Clerk: Paper or Plastic? Customer: Well, you can make up your mind while I write a check. * B-A-A-A-D BREATH AMERICANS Just a note that garlic consumption has hit an all time high in America. Wanted to whisper that it's a great way to break a relationship. Just keep arriving with garlic breath. :-) HAND MADE ISN'T BETTER According to Redbook magazine, sperm for sperm banks is healthier if discharged during sexual intercourse rather than through masturbation. For better results and livelier sperm, it is best to keep the process out of hand. HE CAN RUN, JUMP, CATCH, AND HIT A BALL. So, Bobby Bonilla of the Mets just signed a 5-year contract worth twenty-nine-million dollars. ........That's $ 29,000,000.00 "I DIDN'T HEAR THE WHISTLE" (AH, CUMMON!) Up at the Redwood Land Fill, a northbound train collided with a 18 wheel rig. Caught the rear end of the trailer flipping it over. Richard Grant, 29, the rig's driver, said he didn't see the flashing red warning lights, hear the trains whistle, the crossing bells,or see the train. There was clear visibility for at least two miles in each direction. Hmmmmm! A lost race? PAST AMERICANA? Say goodbye to the cigarette vending machines.....in Sacramento, anyways. They have voted to have all cigarette vending machines removed. Probably other cities will follow. NAMES OF FOREIGN PRODUCTS Black Ass Glue China Blue Peter (canned fish) Norway Fockink (liqueur) Netherlands Last Climax (Paper Tissues) Japan Shitto (Spiced Peppers) Ghana Green Piles (Fertilizer) Japan PiPi (Orangeade) Yugoslavia Trim Pecker (Trowsers) Japan Superglans (Car Wax) Netherlands Mucos (Soft Drink) Japan Pshit (Soft Drink) France The End..... ____________________________________________________________________________ Wanted: Textfiles. -Humorous-Expose'-How To-Supernatural-Oddball. Anything that will arouse a readers curiosity. No anarchy/hacking. STONEHENGE BBS San Rafael, Ca. [415] 479-8328 ______________________________________________________________________________ ЪДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДї і і і і і *EXCERPTS* і і і і News you may NOT have read. і і і і Changed Every Saturday і і і АДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДЩ Stonehenge BBS [415] 479-8328 . FORE! Hear the joke about the golfer who returned and told his wife what a terrible day he had? "My partner, Joe, died of a heart attack on the 3rd hole. It was hit the ball--pull Joe, hit the ball--pull Joe." Well, truth is stranger than fiction. In Winterhaven, Fla., Donald DeGreve died of a heart attack on the 16th green. They covered his body with a sheet and players played around him. HE WAS A PRICK What do Americans think of Pricks? They change their name, especially if the name is going to be continually reviewed in magazines and newspapers. He arrived from England to take the conductors podium of the San Francisco Opera. Christopher Prick's name has been changed to Christopher Perick. OH DEAR! THE ATTORNEY WAS OFFENDED. In Wyoming, attorney Gerry Spence's nose was quite out of joint just because Hustler magazine called him Asshole Of The Month. He has sued the magazine for $150-million. ...Reminds me of the joke where a young child asks, "Mommy. Are babies born through assholes." Mommy replies, "Of course! How do you think attorneys are born." HOW DO YOU MAKE A BLONDES EYES LIGHT UP? Shine a flashlight in her ear. GOOD SAMARITAN? The kindly priest was always there..at plane crashes and autombile accidents. In Florida, police arrested John Irish as posing as Father John Irish, impersonating a catholic priest. Seems the kindly father was consoling accident victims then steering them to the services of a certain Miami lawyer. DADDYS HELPER The Michigan Board of Medicine suspended the practice of Dr. Leonard for two weeks. Seems he let his son pass a catheter up a 50-year-old womans bladder then allowed him to put in a couple of stitches to help sew up a layer of tissue. THIS MAN COULD WORK FOR DOMINO'S John Rosano II, was stopped by Michigan State Police for speeding upwards to 120 MPH. Rosano's excuse.....He'd just purchased a roast beef sandwich and wanted to get home to eat it while it was hot. ONLY IN LOS ANGELES..OR COULD IT HAPPEN IN THE CASTRO? A man wearing a G-string, chaps, a shirt and shoes..but no pants..was arrested in the early A.M. in Los Angeles, being led down the sidewalk on a chain by another man. They booked the first man for indecent exposure. The second man was not arrested. There is no law against leading someone by a chain. THOSE POOR, CUTE INNOCENT RATS In Washington, U.S. District Judge Charles R. Richey ruled that rats are entitled to the same humane conditions required for other research animals. NOW HEAR THIS, YOU DOGS. You can only bark once an hour for two minutes at a time. You cannot bark between the hours of 8 p.m. and 8 a.m. This was the ruling that a judge in Los Osos, Calif. gave against Buddy, Missey and Precious, three bassett hounds. An appeal has been filed. .........by Fred Bassett?? ..:-) PLEASE, GOD, NEVER LET ME SLEEPWALK. Especially if you raid the refrigerator in your sleep. Such people have been known to eat cat food, buttered cigarettes and large doses of medicine. Sweet dreams....... ..the end _____________________________________________________________________________ Wanted: Textfiles. -Humorous-Expose'-How To-Supernatural-Oddball. Anything that will arouse a readers curiosity. No anarchy/hacking. Stonehenge BBS San Rafael, Ca. [415] 479-8328 _____________________________________________________________________________ ЪДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДї і і і і і *EXCERPTS* і і і і News you may NOT have read. і і і і Changed Every Saturday і і і АДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДДЩ Stonehenge BBS [415] 479-8328 . AFTER ALL, IT IS CHRISTMAS Police in Lincoln, Pennsylvania have been hassled by an intruder breaking into their radio airwaves playing Christmas carols on a kazoo, whistling and belching. IT'S ALL IN A NAME People in Tampa, Florida petitioned the court to have a dog put to death who has severely bitten three people. The dogs name is Hitler. SUPPLIMENTAL INCOME? In Tampa, Florida, a man dressed in a toll takers uniform collected motorists money on the Crosstown Expressway for several hours before being detected. SOARING NUDE The Hidden Valley Nudist Resort near Dawsonville, Georgia, celebrated its 1988 National Nude Week by having eight male nude skydivers jump out of a plane and land in a nearby field. HO! HO! HO!....BELL RINGER PUNCHED OUT Guess this guy was a Christmas stress-out..Just couldn't stand hearing the ringing of that Goddam Salvation Army bell any longer. A still un-apprehended 30-year-old male is being sought for attacking two Salvation Army bell ringers in Eureka, Ca. Ella Lowrey, one of the ringers said the man approached the kettle like he was going to make a donation. "Then he did a number on my eye." I WAS KIDNAPPED, ROBBED, MY THROAT CUT, AND I WAS LEFT TO DIE William F. Francis of Silicon Valley slipped a note, written in his blood, saying "S.O.S." through a slot of the trunk of his car. Passerbys noticed the note and called authorities who found Francis in the trunk bleeding from his wounds. The whole affair was proven phoney. Francis said he did it to cover up a two day binge, not keeping business appointments. BUT MOM, IT'S FUN! A dwarf known as "Mister Skyman" wants the French government to lift its ban on dwarf tossing so he can have his job back. The 4-foot Mister Skyman, whose real name is Manuel Wackenheim, was employed to be a human projectile. He dressed in a jumpsuit and a crash helmet with bar customers seeing who could fling him the farthest into an inflatable mattress. EVER HEAR OF SIDNEY MOBELL? He's the S.F. jeweler who thinks "big" when it comes to jeweled creations. His latest is a jeweled mailbox with 274 gems totaling 77 carats and you can buy it for the low price of $250,000. Some of Sid's other creations: Jeweled Toilet Seat $240,000. Diamond Studded Frisbee ? Gold Plated, Jeweled Gum Machine $170,000 Mouse Trap. The cheese is a Diamond $12,000 Hour Glass. 200 tiny diamonds replaces sand ? Mobell considers all a work of art and expects them to be in museums. FREEZE! In Sacramento, Frank DeVol, 50, was sitting in his truck when he witnessed a bank holdup where one culpret tried to escape on a bicycle. Frank had a gun in his car, poked it out of the window, and told the man to lie face down on the pavement. He said he learned this technique from the 1959 movie, "The FBI Story." The End _____________________________________________________________________________ Wanted: Textfiles. -Humorous-Expose'-How To-Supernatural-Oddball. Anything that will arouse a readers curiosity. No anarchy/hacking. STONEHENGE BBS San Rafael, Ca. [415] 479-8328 ______________________________________________________________________________ |