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     This Guy Walks Into A Bar...


(This is the classic:)

This guy walks into a bar, carrying a crocodile and a chicken.  He sets
them down on the stool next to him, and says to the (uncertain-looking)

   "I'll have a Scotch and Soda."

Then the crocodile says

   "And I'll have a Whiskey Sour."

The (dumbfounded) bartender gasps

   "That's incredible; I've never seen a crocodile that could talk!"

And the guy says
   "He can't;
    the chicken is a ventriloquist."


This guy walks into a bar...   bounces right off.


This big, brawny, dark-skinned Latin feller walks into a bar. On his
shoulder is a beautiful blue-and-red parrot.   The bartender says,

  "That's beautiful; where'd you get it?"

and the parrot says

  "Down in Mexico; there're millions of 'em!"


This guy walks into a bar carrying a cage.   A little while later, the
bartender notices that there's a slice of lemon stuck on the little
swing in the cage.  He says

  "Why do you have a lemon in the cage, there?"

The guy looks into the cage for a moment, then says, horrified

  "My God!   I must have squeezed my canary into my drink!!"


This guy walks into a bar, and says to the bartender

  "I-I-I-I-I'll h-h-h-h-h-ave a-a-a  g-g-g-g-g-gin and toni-i-i-i-ic."

and the bartender says

  "Y-y-y-y-y-y-es, s-s-s-s-s-s-s-sir, right aw-w-w-w-w-way!"

He gets the drink, and is sittin' there drinkin'.   A little while later
this huge guy (looks like a whole construction crew all to himself)
struts up to the bar and says, in a voice like a herd of elephants,


and the bartender says


Well this upsets the first guy, and he motions to the bartender

  "E-e-e-e-e-excu-u-u-use m-m-me, w-w-w-will you come ov-v-v-v-er
   here f-f-f-f-f-f-for a minute?"

The bartender comes over, and the guy says

  "W-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-were y-y-you m-m-makin' f-f-f-f-f-fun o' me?"

and the bartender says

  "N-n-n-no, S-S-SIR!   I w-w-w-w-was m-m-making fun o' that other g-g-guy!"


This guy walks into a bar for the first time, and he's sitting around
drinkin'.   Some of the old timers are telling jokes.  One of them


and the other old timers all start laughing fit to bust.   Little later,
another of 'em says


and they all slap their old-timer knees and laugh and holler.  Well, the
new guy can't figger out what's goin' on, so he says to one of the
locals next to him

  "What're these old-timers doin'?"

and the local says

  "Well, they've been hangin' around together so long they all know all
   the same jokes, so to save extra talkin' they've given 'em all numbers."

The new feller says

  "That's mighty clever!   I think I'll try that."

and he stands up and says in a loud voice


And everybody just looks at him, but nobody laughs.   Well, he sits down
again, and asks the local feller

  "What happened?  Why didn't anyone laugh?"

And the local says

  "Well, son, ya just didn't tell it right..."

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