The true story of ???From @RELAY.CS.NET:wyle@solaris.uucp Fri Sep 9 11:15:24 1988Flags: 000000000001 From: graham@eigg.tcom.stc.co.uk Subject: The software life cycle Message-ID: <3107@eigg.tcom.stc.co.uk> Date: 6 Sep 88 19:14:19 GMT Newsgroups: eunet.jokes Path: solaris!ethz!cernvax!mcvax!ukc!stc!eigg!graham Distribution: eunet Lines: 120 Organisation: STC Telecoms, New Southgate, LONDON UK Here's something for you out in netland, a salutory tale of software development. Note this is not the way things are done here at STC :-; The true story of ??? --------------------- In the beginning there was the Requirement and the Requirement was without form or structure and darkness was upon the face of the Client, and the face of the Client was turned away from the Company. So the Company said : 'Let there be a Tender' And lo, there was a Tender, and the Client saw that it was good, and the face of the client was turned once more unto the works of the Company. Then did the Company gather together all manner of creatures, and from this gathering was created the project team - and it was said that it was good. >From the Project Team were produced Engineers and Programmers and diverse other forms of life. And from the multitude was selected one who was raised above all others and who was called 'Manager'. And he was to lead the Project Team along the path of productivity for the Companys' sake. And it happened that the mind of the Manager was dazzled by the Tender and he thereby believed that all things were possible, even though there was, as yet, no specification. Thus it was that the Manager commanded all Programmers to be gathered together in one place and he spoke to their leader who was called Chief Progammer : 'Let there be a Schedule, whereby I may know the Delivery Date, and I shall make you responsible for the accomplisment of this schedule'. Therefore did the Chief Programmer move amongst his followers and ask of them 'How shall this be done ?'. Where upon his followers withdrew, each to his own desk and estimated, as was their custom. And it came to pass that each Programmer brought forth an estimate and, after much wailing and gnashing of teeth, all estimates were consolidated and summarised into one place which was called a 'Project Plan'. And the Chief Programmer brought the Manager unto the Project plan saying : 'Behold - it will take a full score of months to accomplish'. But the Manager was not pleased and said : 'I have raised you up from the depths and given unto you many coding sheets and even so you have not understood the Tender, your Project Plan is too long'. Whereupon the Manager hired consultants, authorised much overtime and cancelled all holidays. Then he spake unto the Chief Programmer : 'Behold, see all that I have done, the Delivery Date shall be in one Year'. Then did the Chief Programmer set his followers to designing and coding and there were many meetings and much computer time was employed in the working thereof - even though there was as yet no Specification. And it came to pass that the Manager examined the designs and he saw that they were too ambitious and he knew that they could not be accomplished in the Delivery Date. Whereupon the Manager commanded the Chief Programmer to separate the design into two parts. One part he called the 'Manditory Functions' and the other part were 'Options' - and the Client called him names. And the Manager commanded: 'Let the Software Houses put forth their salesmen and let us have a Data Base Management System' and it was so. The salesmen produced all manner of Brochures which laid claim to many and wondrous things - each according to their own file structure. And it came to pass that a Data Base Management System was selected and the Chief Programmer accomplised said that it was good and that more programmers were required if all was to be accomplised by the Delivery Date. Thus it was that the Project Team was increased almost without number. The Manager, espying this host from afar said : 'Let there be Organisation' and there was Organisation. And the Project team was split into many groups that did not speak to each other, and it was said that , perhaps it was good. Some groups the Chief Programmer called Senior Programmers and others he called Junior Programmers and he gave domination to the former over the latter . And the Senior Programmers saw it differently. Now it was said that the Chief Programmer exorted his followers to even greater efforts because the Delivery Date was nigh and the breath of the Manager was hot upon his neck. Both Senior and Junior Programmers became sore afraid. They strove mightily to please the Chief Programmer with much overtime and copious comment and everyone coded and flowcharted, each in his own manner. The manager, seeing this, liked it not and commanded : 'Let there be Standards' and there were Stanards but the Programmers liked them not and productivity fell. When he learned of this the Chief Programmer was afaid that he would be cast down from his high place and therefore commanded : 'Let there be Progress Reports' and there were Progress Reports. The Chief Programmer looked at the Progress reports and saw that the Delivery Date would not be met. Therefore, on the tenth month, the Chief Programmer rose up , pressed his suit, shaved his beard and went unto the Manager, grovelling and pointing his fingers and causing much blame to issue forth unto all manner of creatures who sold both hardware and software. And the Chief Programmer asked for an extension whereat the Manager was exeedingly angry and caused doubt to be cast on the legitimacy of the Chief Programmers ancestors - even to the third and fourth generation and there was much beating of breast and tearing of hair - mostly the Chief Programmers'. And the Manager commanded the Chief Programmer to put forth all Software House personnel and all Consultants. But the Chief Programmer refused saying that all were needed, that there was no documentation and that there was, as yet, no specification. And it came to pass that an extention was granted and the Chief Programmer returned to his followers bearing these tidings and there was rejoising and revelry among the terminals; and the coffee machine broke down. On the twentieth month the Chief Programmer said : ' Let the modules be integrated, one with another, so that the system testing can begin'. And it was so and great difficulties were experienced and many hours of overtime were employed in finding out why the modules would not integrate - for there was no documentation and, as yet, no specification. Then on the twenty fourth month, the Chief Programmer did go to the Manager and say unto him : 'Behold I give you good tidings of great joy for you and for youre Client, for on this day the System did work'. And suddenly there was all about them a host, a multitude of Salesmen praising the Chief Programmer and singing : 'Glory to the Company, the Manager, and the Chief Programmer and, please, can you make this small change ?'. And the Chief Programmer rose up and spake thus unto them : 'We dare'nt for there is no documentation and, as yet, no specification'. Graham Bardsley, STC Telecommunications, Oakleigh Road South, New Southgate, ...{mcvax}!ukc!stc!eigg!graham London, England. N11 1HB Tel: +44 1 368 1234 x2739 |