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The *OFFICIAL* Dan Quayle Joke Book!





Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: To join the National Guard.


Q: Did you hear there's already been an assassination attempt on George Bush?

A: He didn't get hurt, but the Secret Service got Quayle five times.


       Chairman of George Bush's inauguration committee: "So, Mr. President
       Elect, after the inauguration, do you want to ride in the limousine with
       the bubble top?"

       George: "No, let Dan Quayle take another car."


Q: How will Bush handle the deficit?

A: Quayle Bonds -- no interest, no maturity.


Q: What were Dan Quayle's three hardest  years?

A: Second grade.


Q: How did Dan Quayle get into law school?

A: The application asked "Handicapped?" and he wrote down "two strokes."


Q: How is Dan Quayle like Millard Fillmore?

A: Both are vice presidents who didn't live in this century.


Q: What do you get if you cross Dan Quayle with Richard Nixon?

A: A public official who doesn't know if he is a crook or not...


Q: Why wasn't Dan Quayle class president in kindergarten?

A: He used his uncle's influence to get out of the sandbox


Q: What was the name of the great Stanley Kubrick war movie about Dan Quayle's
military career?

A: "Full Dinner Jacket"


       George Bush has announced that his vice president's first official
       assignment will be to travel to Lebanon to get firsthand information on
       the hostage situation.



       Dan Quayle is so dumb, he thinks that Cheerios are doughnut seeds.


       Vice President Quayle: the looks to get a woman pregnant and the politics
       to keep her that way.



Q: What's the difference between Jane Fonda and Dan Quayle?

A: Jane went to Vietnam.



Q: What did Marilyn Quayle say to her husband immediately after sex?

A: "You really are no Jack Kennedy."



       "The Secret Service is under order that if Bush is shot, to shoot
       Quayle." - Senator John Kerry


       From "Night Court" (Wednesday, November 23rd, 1988):

               Judge Stone: [After hearing of a harrowing escape including
               falling from a hot-air balloon, boucing off an awning, riding on
               the top of a bus, flying into a pile of fruit, and living to
               tell about it!]  "You must be the luckiest man alive!"

               Reply: "No, Dan Quayle is!"



Q: What do you see in one of Vice President Quayle's ears when you shine a
flashlight in the other?

A: A thousand points of light


       A New York nightclub has designated Tuesday nights "Quayle Night."   You
       get in free if your parents call and make reservations.



       It's not true that Pat Robertson and Dan Quayle passed the time on
       election eve swapping war stories.


       Dan Quayle: "A lot of people don't understand service in the National
       Guard.   Basically you just spend years sor tof sitting around waiting
       for something to happen.   I think that's perfect training for the vice
       presidency."



Quayle: too inexperienced for a do-nothing job.



Q: What did Dan Quayle have that Lloyd Bentsen didn't?

A: A blow-drier and a pulse.



       The question of the 1990's: Is it better to have a Quayle in your gland
       or two in your Bush?



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