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                             Real Pirates

Since the beginning of time there has been an implicit code of etiquette
governing the actions of software pirates, but as many of you may have noticed
as of late, that code has been knocked around a bit.  Although it's not
difficult to differentiate a true pirate from one of these poor imitations, I
believe that, with the number of true pirates decreasing at such an alarming
rate, this code should be set straight.  After all, although 'Johnny' is
admittedly a moron, it's not his fault that he never received proper guidance.

One of the first and foremost rules of piracy:
REAL PIRATES ARE OVER 16 YEARS OLD!   Exceptions to this rule are extremely
rare at best.

Corollary: You never have to wonder who bred Mickey Mouse with a 2600-hz tone
to produce a real pirate's voice.


Real pirates are more imaginative than to use the word 'copy' in their alias.

Corollary: Real pirates aren't named 'Mr. Copy' because real pirates don't
brag about cracking Dung Beetles.

The word 'crack' (or 'krack') is found nowhere in a real pirate's name...
unless he really knows how to.

Real pirates' aliases don't sound as if they were extracted from the lyrics of
an Ozzy Ozbourne song (i.e. Prisoner of Satan, Black Avenger, Dark Phantom)

Real pirates don't name themselves after heavy metal groups.

Real pirates don't spell their names with multiple caps then a single
lower case.  Ex. DREAM THiEF

Real pirates, if named after some aspect of pirate legend (i.e. Jolly Roger,
Captain Hook, Eye-Patch, etc....) don't say, 'Avast, ye scurvy dogs!,' or
anything of the like.

Real pirates aren't named Sam Houston, Sir Spanky, The Gamemaster, Lord Fagen,
Mindancer, Iceman, Bulldog, Pain Killer, Ahriain, or Mr. Copy.

Real pirates' names aren't parodies of other reputable pirates (i.e. Resident
of Lavender Bag, Mr. Pac Man, Franklin Bandit, etc.).

Real pirates don't name themselves after alcoholic beverages (i.e. Jack
Daniels, Harvey Wallbanger, Jim Beam, etc.) especially when they've never
even drunk one!

Real pirates spell their aliases correctly (unlike 'The Poenix').


Real pirates would never think of deleting 'Sabotage'. It's too much fun
imagining those little men are actually Sir Knight.

Real pirates play 'Beast', or 'Kings Quest'.

Real pirates have long since deleted 'SimCity', 'SimAnt', 'SimEarth', 'Megaman'
'Test Drive 3' and everything from SSI, and Avalon Hill.

Real pirates have sex lives beyond GIFS.

Real pirates upload. They realize that leeching is the #2 sin (behind, of
course, being 13 years old).

Real pirates realize that Penguins aren't really 'The Graphics People'.

Real pirates feel guilty when pirating Apogee's files. Of course, that never
stops them.

Corollary: Real pirates realize that there is a difference between Formula I
Racing and Pole Position.


Real pirates aren't the fifth to post the same 'I have...' message.

Corollary: Real pirates don't post 'I have...' messages when they really don't.

Real pirates don't download programs from public AE's and then post 'I know
it's old, but I have...too' messages on pirate boards.

Real pirates don't post their high scores.

Corollary: Real pirates don't keep their score.

Real pirates don't say 'K-K00L', 'K-AWESOME', 'X10DER', 'L8R0N', 'L8R', or
anything of the sort.

Real pirates know the difference between 'f' and 'ph' (i.e. 'philes', 'fone'..)

Real pirates don't call Virtual BBS boards.

Real pirates don't waste everyone's time backspacing over their alias 50 times.

Real pirates never get into 'bitch wars' unless, of course, they are grinding
some 13 year old user or Dream Thief into small piles of shit.

Real pirates never use text graphics in their messages.

Real pirates don't search for new ways to spell 'WARES'.

Real pirates who are GBBS Sysops are proud to have stolen from Greg Shaefer.

Real pirate sysops don't have PD sections.

Real pirates are satisfied with one exclamation point!

Real pirates don't call DYM's.

Real pirates never get into 'bitch wars' unless, of course, they are grinding
some 13 year old user or Dream Thief into small piles of shit.

Real pirates don't advertise their BBS number as (XXX) PRI-VATE.

Real pirates don't advertise their board as "Soon to be ......."


Real pirates don't DFX.

Real pirates no longer buy Micromode II's, SSM modemcards, or Networker modems.

Corollary to the corollary: Real pirates accept the reality that 2400 baud
is dead.

Real pirates aren't around to trade on Friday or Saturday nights.

Corollary: Real pirates haven't watched Love Boat since they were 6.

Real pirates type 'BRUN AE' without the spacebar in between.

Real pirates can get Diskfer and DSZ to work right the first time.


Real pirates don't create a group then make up imaginary members to show off
to all the real pirates that don't give a shit.

Real pirates don't care about M0DS.

Real pirates don't need help setting up Soft-Ice.


That's it...for now. Since losers invent new ways to be losers every day,
expect a 'Real Pirate's Guide, Volume 2' very soon.  If you were terribly
offended by anything in this file, that's your clue to retire from the pirate
world.  After all, real pirates don't get offended by things written in

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