ЭЛЕКТРОННАЯ БИБЛИОТЕКА КОАПП
Сборники Художественной, Технической, Справочной, Английской, Нормативной, Исторической, и др. литературы.



      Collection of Lawyer Jokes - Offensive to Attorneys & Lawyers


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   Hildago was defeated at Guadalajara. The rebel army
   was captured on is way through the mountains. All were
   courtmartialed and shot, except Hildago, because he was a
   priest. He was handed over to the bishop of Durango who
   excommunicated him and returned him to the army where he
   was then executed.

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It had to happen sooner or later. Lawyer Dobbins was wheeled into the
emergency room on a stretcher, rolling his head in agony.  Doctor Green
came over to see him.
"Dobbins," he said, "What an honor. The last time I saw you was in
court when you accused me of malpractice."
"Doc. Doc. My side is on fire. The pain is right here. What could
it be?"
"How would I know? You told the jury I wasn't fit to be a doctor."
"I was only kidding, Doc. When you represent a client you don't
know what you're saying. Could I be passing a kidney stone?"
"Your diagnosis is as good as mine."
"What are you talking about?"
"When you questioned me on the stand you indicated you knew
everything there was to know about the practice of medicine."
"Doc, I'm climbing the wall. Give me something."
"Let's say I give you something for a kidney stone and it turns
out to be a gallstone. Who is going to pay for my court costs?"
"I'll sign a paper that I won't sue."
"Can I read to you from the transcript of the trial? Lawyer
Dobbins: 'Why were you so sure that my client had tennis elbow?' Dr.
Green: 'I've treated hundreds of people with tennis elbow and I know it
when I see it.' Dobbins: 'It never occured to you my client could have an
Excedrin headache?' Green: 'No, there were no signs of an Excedrin
headache.' Dobbins: 'You and your ilk make me sick.' "
"Why are you reading that to me?"
"Because, Dobbins, since the trial I've lost confidence in making
a diagnosis. A lady cane in the other day limping ..."
"Please, Doc, I don't want to hear it now. Give me some Demerol."
"You said during the suit that I dispensed drugs like a drunken
sailor. I've changed my ways, Dobbins. I don't prescribe drugs anymore."
"Then get me another doctor."
"There are no other doctors on duty. The reason I'm here is that
after the malpractice suit the sheriff seized everything in my office.
This is the only place that I can practice."
"If you give me something to releive the pain I will personally
appeal your case to a higher court."
"You know, Dobbins, I was sure that you were a prime candidate for
a kidney stone."
"You can't tell a man is a candidate for a kidney stone just by
looking at him."
"That's what you think, Dobbins. You had so much acid in you when
you addressed the jury I knew some of it eventually had to crystallize
into stones. Remember on the third day day when you called me the 'Butcher
of Operating Room 6'? That afternoon I said to my wife, "That man is going
to be in a lot of pain.' "
"Okay, Doc, you've had your ounce of flesh. Can I now have my
ounce of Demerol?"
"I better check you out first."
"Don't check me out, just give the dope."
"But in court the first question you asked me was if I had
examined the patient completely.  It would be negligent of me if I didn't
do it now.  Do you mind getting up on the scale?"
"What for?"
"To find out your height. I have to be prepared in case I get sued
and the lawyer asks me if I knew how tall you were."
"I'm not going to sue you."
"You say that now. But how can I be sure you won't file a writ
after you pass the kidney stone?"
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A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to
which he retreated for several weeks of the year.  Each summer, the lawyer
would invite a different friend of his (no, that's not the punch line) to
spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods
section of Maine.

On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with
him.  The friend, eager to get a freebee off a lawyer, agreed.

Well, they had a splendid time in the country - rising early and living in
the great outdoors.

Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to
pick berries for their morning breakfast.  As they went around the berry
patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along
came two huge Bears - a male and a female.

Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His
friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and
swallowed him whole.

The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and
got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed
back to the berry patch with the lawyer.

Sure enough, the two bears were still there.

"He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of
lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his
friend.

The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun,
took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE.

"Whatdya do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!"

"Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you
that the Czech was in the Male?"

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Saint Peter was having a slow day at the Pearly Gates so he took a
little stroll.  He noticed that the fence between heaven and hell was in
need of some repair.  So he hollers over the fence to Lucifer.

Saint Peter:  "This fence needs some repair.  I'll see to it that it
             gets fixed if you will help pay for it."

Lucifer:  "If you want it fixed, you pay for it."  

Saint Peter:  "The fence is partly your responsibility and you will help
             pay for it or I will sue you for that amount."

Lucifer:  "Ha!!  Where do you think you are going to get a lawyer?!"


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A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you
serve lawyers here?".
"Sure do," replied the bartender.
"Good," said the man.  "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my
'gator."


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    A hindu, a rabbi, and a lawyer are traveling together and need to
stop for the night.  So they stop at the next farmhouse, and find lodging,
with the qualification that the house is only big enough for two of them,
and one will have to sleep in the barn.  So the hindu volunteers and goes
out to sleep in the barn while the lawyer and rabbi sleep in the house.
    A few minutes later, however, the lawyer and rabbi hear a knock on
the door, and opening it, find the hindu who protests "There is a cow in
the barn.  Surely you can't expect me to sleep with cattle."  So the rabbi
and the lawyer agree that perhaps the rabbi should trade places with the
hindu, and the rabbi goes out.
    Within a short time, the hindu and the lawyer are getting ready to
go to sleep, when again there is a knock on the door.  Opening the door
they find the rabbi protesting, "There is a pig in the barn.  Surely you
can't expect me to sleep with a pig!".
    Weary of the whole problem by this time, the lawyer pulls the rabbi
into the house, grabs a blanket and heads for the barn.  Almost immediately,
there is a third knocking at the door, and opening the door they find the
pig and the cow.  "Surely you can't expect us to sleep with a lawyer."


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There is no better way to exercise the imagination than the study of the law.
No artist ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets the truth.
- Jean Giradoux

A small town that cannot support one lawyer can always support two.

There are two kinds of lawyers, those who know the law and those who
know the judge.

"I'll never discuss my lawyer's character in his absence, so let's
discuss his absence of character!
- Michael Lara

"There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest.  For example, when he filed his
income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary as
'unearned income.'"
- ibid

Between grand theft and a legal fee,
there only stands a law degree.


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Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
From chasing parked ambulances.

Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?
A. In the cemetary

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A. A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.

Q: How do you keep a lawyer from drowning?
A: Take your foot off his head.

Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.


Old brain joke:

A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner.
He sees a sign remarking on the quality of proffesional brain
offerred at this particular brain store.  So he asks the butcher:
"How much for Engineer brain?"
"3 dollars an ounce."
"How much for brain?"
"4 dollars an ounce."
"How much for lawyer brain?"
"100 dollars an ounce."
"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?"


Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
A: The bucket.

Q: What does a lawyer typically say in a bar?
A: "Moo"

Q: What is the best way a lawyer can prolong his life?
A: Wrap himself with duct tape.

Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.

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Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer
  in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?"
The housewife replies: "Four!".
The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4.  Let me run
    those figures through my spreadsheet one more time."
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed
    voice, "How much do you want it to be?"

Q: Why are so many experimental labs now using lawyers instead of white
  rats?
A: (1) There are more lawyers than rats,  (2)  The scientists don't
  become as attached to the lawyers and (3) There are some things even
  a rat won't do.

Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
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    WASHINGTON 1986/87 ATTORNEY SEASON AND BAG LIMITS
    **********************************************************************
   
    1300.01   GENERAL
   
     1.  Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may
    harvest attorneys.
   
     2.  Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted.  The
    use of currency as bait is prohibited.
   
     3.  Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited.  If
    accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to
    nearest car wash.
   
     4.  It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow
    machine, helicopter, or aircraft.
   
     5.  It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free
    Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
   
     6.  It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW
    dealerships.
   
     7.  It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills,
    prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.
   
     8.  It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of
    courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars,
    ambulances, or hospitals.
   
     9.  If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a
    felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.
   
    10.  Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department
    inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.
   
    11.  It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a
    reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident
    victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting
    attorneys.
   
    BAG LIMITS
   
     1.  Yellow Bellied Sidewinder                     2
     2.  Two-faced Tort Feasor                         1
     3.  Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator               4
     4.  Small-breasted Ball Buster (Female only)      3
     5.  Big-mouthed Pub Gut                           2
     6.  Honest Attorney                         EXTINCT
     7.  Cut-throat                                    2
     8.  Back-stabbing Whiner                          2
     9.  Brown-nosed Judge Kisser                      2
    10.  Silver-tongued Drug Defender        $100 BOUNTY
    11.  Hairy-assed Civil Libertarian                 7
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A woman and her little girl were visitng the grave of the little girl's
grandmother.  On their way through the cemetary back to the car, the
little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same
grave?"

"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"

"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

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These two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air balloon to
cross the Atlantic Ocean.  After 37 hours in the air, George says
"Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are".
Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon
descends to below the cloud cover.  George says, "I still can't
tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground".  So Harry
yells down to the man "Hey, could you tell us where we are?". And
the man on the ground yells back "You're in a balloon, 100 feet
up in the air".  George turns to Harry and says "That man must
be a lawyer".  And Harry says "How can you tell?".  George says
"Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally
useless".

That's the end of the Joke, but for you people who are still
worried about George and Harry: They end up in the drink,
and make the front page of the New York Times: "Balloonists
Soaked by Lawyer".
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A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city sub-
scribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury
was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the man. "Only
a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20 of them."
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A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence. They referred
it to Diogenes, who gave it in favor of the lawyer as follows: "Let the
thief go first, and the executioner follow."
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"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he
had solved her legal troubles.
"My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented
money there has been only one answer to that question."
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Here are some good news and some bad news:

The good news: A bus full of lawyers fell into a river and
              all of them were drowned.

The bad news: 4 seats were empty.      


    A woman diagnosed as having a brain tumor was told by her doctor
that she would need the transplant of a one-pound brain.  The doctor
then asked, "What type of brain do you want?"
    "What type?" the woman asked.
    "Yes," replied the doctor.  "There is a substantial difference in
price.  For example, a one-pound brain of a surgeon costs $60,000,
while you can get a one-pound brain of a nuclear physicist for
$50,000, and so on.
    "Can you give me a one-pound lawyer's brain?  Ever since I was a
little girl I've dreamed of being a trial attorney."
    "That's $250,000," the doctor replied.
    "Why so much? the woman asked.  "That's over four times what a
surgeon's brain costs."
    "Do you have any idea how many lawyers it takes to produce a pound
of brain?" the doctor replied.

    For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief
vacations at this country inn.  The last time he'd finally managed
an affair with the innkeeper's daughter.  Looking forward to an
exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn,
then stopped short.  There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
    "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?"
he cried.  "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married,
and the baby would have my name!"
    "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we
sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better
to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."

    God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences
once and for all.
    When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think
you're going to find a lawyer?"

    Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are
walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a
hundred dollar bill.  Who gets it?  The old drunk, of course, the
other three are mythological creatures.

    A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone.  After he had
made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he
would like on it.
    "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer.
    "Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter.  "In this
state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave.
However, I could put ``here lies an honest lawyer''."
    "But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer.
    "Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter.  "people will read it
and exclaim, "That's Strange!"

    At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to
another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to
lawyers for our experiments?"
    "Really?"  the other replied, "Why did you switch?"
    "Well, for two reasons.  First we found that lawyers are far more
plentiful, and second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to
them."

********************************************************************************
   Hildago was defeated at Guadalajara. The rebel army
   was captured on is way through the mountains. All were
   courtmartialed and shot, except Hildago, because he was a
   priest. He was handed over to the bishop of Durango who
   excommunicated him and returned him to the army where he
   was then executed.

****************************************************************************
It had to happen sooner or later. Lawyer Dobbins was wheeled into the
emergency room on a stretcher, rolling his head in agony.  Doctor Green
came over to see him.
"Dobbins," he said, "What an honor. The last time I saw you was in
court when you accused me of malpractice."
"Doc. Doc. My side is on fire. The pain is right here. What could
it be?"
"How would I know? You told the jury I wasn't fit to be a doctor."
"I was only kidding, Doc. When you represent a client you don't
know what you're saying. Could I be passing a kidney stone?"
"Your diagnosis is as good as mine."
"What are you talking about?"
"When you questioned me on the stand you indicated you knew
everything there was to know about the practice of medicine."
"Doc, I'm climbing the wall. Give me something."
"Let's say I give you something for a kidney stone and it turns
out to be a gallstone. Who is going to pay for my court costs?"
"I'll sign a paper that I won't sue."
"Can I read to you from the transcript of the trial?
Lawyer Dobbins: 'Why were you so sure that my client had tennis elbow?'
Dr. Green: 'I've treated hundreds of people with tennis elbow and I know it
   when I see it.'
Dobbins: 'It never occured to you my client could have an
 Excedrin headache?'
Green: 'No, there were no signs of an Excedrin headache.'
Dobbins: 'You and your ilk make me sick.' "
"Why are you reading that to me?"
"Because, Dobbins, since the trial I've lost confidence in making
a diagnosis. A lady cane in the other day limping ..."
"Please, Doc, I don't want to hear it now. Give me some Demerol."
"You said during the suit that I dispensed drugs like a drunken
sailor. I've changed my ways, Dobbins. I don't prescribe drugs anymore."
"Then get me another doctor."
"There are no other doctors on duty. The reason I'm here is that
after the malpractice suit the sheriff seized everything in my office.
This is the only place that I can practice."
"If you give me something to releive the pain I will personally
appeal your case to a higher court."
"You know, Dobbins, I was sure that you were a prime candidate for
a kidney stone."
"You can't tell a man is a candidate for a kidney stone just by
looking at him."
"That's what you think, Dobbins. You had so much acid in you when
you addressed the jury I knew some of it eventually had to crystallize
into stones. Remember on the third day day when you called me the 'Butcher
of Operating Room 6'? That afternoon I said to my wife, "That man is going
to be in a lot of pain.' "
"Okay, Doc, you've had your ounce of flesh. Can I now have my
ounce of Demerol?"
"I better check you out first."
"Don't check me out, just give the dope."
"But in court the first question you asked me was if I had
examined the patient completely.  It would be negligent of me if I didn't
do it now.  Do you mind getting up on the scale?"
"What for?"
"To find out your height. I have to be prepared in case I get sued
and the lawyer asks me if I knew how tall you were."
"I'm not going to sue you."
"You say that now. But how can I be sure you won't file a writ
after you pass the kidney stone?"

************************************************************************

q. Why to lawyers wear neckties?
a. To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.


A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to
which he retreated for several weeks of the year.  Each summer, the lawyer
would invite a different friend of his (no, that's not the punch line) to
spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods
section of Maine.

On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with
him.  The friend, eager to get a freebee off a lawyer, agreed.

Well, they had a splendid time in the country - rising early and living in
the great outdoors.

Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to
pick berries for their morning breakfast.  As they went around the berry
patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along
came two huge Bears - a male and a female.

Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His
friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and
swallowed him whole.

The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and
got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed
back to the berry patch with the lawyer.

Sure enough, the two bears were still there.

"He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of
lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his
friend.

The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun,
took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE.

"Whatdya do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!"

"Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you
that the Czech was in the Male?"


Saint Peter was having a slow day at the Pearly Gates so he took a
little stroll.  He noticed that the fence between heaven and hell was in
need of some repair.  So he hollers over the fence to Lucifer.

Saint Peter:  "This fence needs some repair.  I'll see to it that it
             gets fixed if you will help pay for it."

Lucifer:  "If you want it fixed, you pay for it."  

Saint Peter:  "The fence is partly your responsibility and you will help
             pay for it or I will sue you for that amount."

Lucifer:  "Ha!!  Where do you think you are going to get a lawyer?!"


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A very rich man, who was very close to his money, got together
with his closest friends one day, who happened to be  a Priest, a
Doctor, and a Lawyer (or course.)

The Rich Man was very old, and getting older, and was thinking
about his approaching death.   He told his three friends this,
and asked them to do a favor for him when he died.

"Here are three envelopes, each contain $100,000, one for each of
you.  I don't wish to go to the afterlife without my money.
Please, when I am buried, would each of you throw your
enveloples into the grave on top of my coffin?"

The three friends agreed, and took the envelopes.

Sure enough (of course) the Rich Man died.  At his funeral, the
Doctor, the Priest  and the Lawyer threw their  envelopes on his
coffin.

As they were leaving the funeral, the Priest said to the others,
"I have a confession to make.  The church needed a new altar
badly, so I . . . I took $5000 to buy it," and looked at his
feet.

The Doctor said, "Well, since ou've admitted it, I too must
confess that I took the money.  The children's hospital where  I
work needed a new, expensive X-ray machine, so I took $30,000 to
buy it."

The Doctor and the Priest both turned to the lawyer, expecting a
similar confession.  Instead, he said "Oh, now, I didn't take any
of the money.  I put a check for the entire $100,000 in the
envelope!"

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What's the difference between a dead rattlesnake on the road and
a dead lawyer on the road?
There are no skid-marks in front of the lawyer.

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Why is it that so many lawyers have broken noses?
From chasing parked ambulances.

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Where can you find a good lawyer?
In the cemetary

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What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

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What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did
for a living.  

"Tim, you be first," she said.  "What does your mother do all
day?"   Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."

"That's wonderful.  How about you, Amie?"  Amie shyly stood up,
scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."

"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher.  "What about your father,
Billy?"  Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays
piano in a whorehouse."

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to
geography.  Later that day, she went to Billy's house and rang
the bell.  Billy's father answered the door.  The teacher
explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.

Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney.  But how can I
explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

The scene is heaven, with three men standing at the Pearly Gates.
Saint Peter says to the first man, "Let's see, you're Mr. Jones,
the engineer.  We've been expecting you. Please follow me."
Saint Peter leads him down a hall to a door marked #101.

"This is where you'll be staying Mr. Jones," says Saint Peter as
he opens the door.  Inside is a dark, dank, cold, musty room.
Water is dripping from the rocklike walls where torture equipment
is hanging.  Chained to the center of the floor is a growling,
fierce-looking dog.

Mr. Jones steps in and a loud voice cries out from above,

      "Mr.Jones!  You have sinned!"

Saint Peter closes the door and returns to the remaining two men
waiting at the entrance gate.

"And you are Mr. Smith, the doctor", Saint Peters addresses the
second man.  "You are in room 102.  Please follow me."  Once
again when the door is opened this room is dark and dank, water
dripping down the walls with horrible torture equipment hanging
everywhere, and a growling, snarling dog chained to the center of
the floor.  

As Mr. Smith steps in, a voice from above cries,

      "Mr. Smith!  You have sinned!"

Saint Peter closes the door and returns to the last man waiting
at the entrance gate.

"And you must be Mr. Brown, the lawyer.  We have been waiting for
you.  You are in room number 103.  Please follow me."  When they
get to room #103, Saint Peter opens the door to reveal another
dark, musty, gloomy room with torture equipment hanging from the
water dripping walls.

But in the center of the room stands Bo Derek.  As the lawyer
steps in the room the voice cries out,

      "Bo Derek! You have sinned!"

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

The lawyer died.  Having not lived an all-that-honest life he
found himself at the gates of Hell.  "Welcome to Hell" announced
the Devil greeting him warmly. "Glad you could join us. As your
last taste of free will, you are allowed to choose which of three
possible places that you will spend the rest of eternity."

There were three doors behind the Devil. He opened the first
door. Flames shot into the room and the lawyer could see
thousands of people amidst the fire.  "No" said the lawyer. "Not
this one."

The Devil opened the second door. The lawyer could see thousands
of people slaving away at a large rockpile. They were all being
whipped as they hammered the large boulders into smaller
boulders.  "No" again said the lawyer.

Finally, the devil opened up that last door which showed
thousands of people in a incredibly large lake with vomit up to
their chins.  All of them were chanting 'Dont make waves, dont
make waves...'  "That's awful!!" commented the lawyer in
repulsion.

"You think that's bad?" asked the devil, "you should see it when
the angels spend the weekend here with their motorboats!"

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

The Pope died and went to heaven.  When he got there, he found a
lawyer in line in front of him at the Pearly Gates.  Saint Peter
came over and told the Pope, "Just a minute, I'll be right back".
At that, Saint Peter took the lawyer away.

When Saint Peter came back, he told the Pope, "Follow me to your
new quarters."  Along the way they passed many people in their
heavenly abodes, and they happened to pass by the quarters of the
lawyer who had preceded Saint Peter through the Pearly Gates.
The Pope was awe-struck by the opulence and splendor of the
lawyer's quarters.  There were fine silks, rare foods and drinks,
soft music, and attractive young women to serve him for eternity.

Saint Peter and the Pope finally arrived at the Pope's new
quarters.  The Pope looked in and saw a 6 foot by 9 foot room
with bare walls, a plain bed and a Bible for entertainment.  The
Pope said, "I don't want to sound ungrateful, but I am wondering
why the lawyer gets such a magnificent room and I get this small
room.

Saint Peter said, "Well, you see, we have a great many popes here
in heaven, but only ONE lawyer."

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

How do you save a drowning laywer?
Throw him a rock.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Person 1:  Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
Person 2:  No.
Person 1:  GOOD!

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

A rabbi, a priest, and a lawyer were all caught in a shipwreck.
Naturally, there are a lot of sharks circling around.  All of a
sudden, one shark darts in and grabs the priest for lunch.  No
more priest.

The rabbi starts praying frantically, but to no avail, as a shark
comes in and eats him, too.

Now the lawyer is really worried, as a shark is coming for him.
But, miracle of miracles, the shark puts him on its back, carries
him to shore, and lets him off.  

The lawyer, curious, waits till the shark is far enough away not
to eat him, and asks, "How come you didn't eat me?"  And the
shark replies, "Professional Courtesy!"

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Hildago was defeated at Guadalajara. The rebel army was captured
on is way through the mountains. All were courtmartialed and
shot, except Hildago, because he was a priest. He was handed over
to the bishop of Durango who excommunicated him and returned him
to the army where he was then executed.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

It had to happen sooner or later. Lawyer Dobbins was wheeled into
the emergency room on a stretcher, rolling his head in agony.
Doctor Green came over to see him.

"Dobbins," he said, "What an honor. The last time I saw you was
in court when you accused me of malpractice."

"Doc. Doc. My side is on fire. The pain is right here. What could
it be?"

"How would I know? You told the jury I wasn't fit to be a
doctor."

"I was only kidding, Doc. When you represent a client you don't
know what you're saying. Could I be passing a kidney stone?"

"Your diagnosis is as good as mine."

"What are you talking about?"

"When you questioned me on the stand you indicated you knew
everything there was to know about the practice of medicine."

"Doc, I'm climbing the wall. Give me something."

"Let's say I give you something for a kidney stone and it turns
out to be a gallstone. Who is going to pay for my court costs?"

"I'll sign a paper that I won't sue."

"Can I read to you from the transcript of the trial?  Lawyer
Dobbins: 'Why were you so sure that my client had tennis elbow?'
Dr. Green: 'I've treated hundreds of people with tennis elbow and
I know it when I see it.' Dobbins: 'It never occured to you my
client could have an Excedrin headache?' Green: 'No, there were
no signs of an Excedrin headache.' Dobbins: 'You and your ilk
make me sick.' "

"Why are you reading that to me?"

"Because, Dobbins, since the trial I've lost confidence in making
a diagnosis. A lady cane in the other day limping ..."

"Please, Doc, I don't want to hear it now. Give me some Demerol."

"You said during the suit that I dispensed drugs like a drunken
sailor. I've changed my ways, Dobbins. I don't prescribe drugs
anymore."

"Then get me another doctor."

"There are no other doctors on duty. The reason I'm here is that
after the malpractice suit the sheriff seized everything in my
office.  This is the only place that I can practice."

"If you give me something to releive the pain I will personally
appeal your case to a higher court."

"You know, Dobbins, I was sure that you were a prime candidate
for a kidney stone."

"You can't tell a man is a candidate for a kidney stone just by
looking at him."

"That's what you think, Dobbins. You had so much acid in you when
you addressed the jury I knew some of it eventually had to
crystallize into stones.  Remember on the third day day when you
called me the 'Butcher of Operating Room 6'?  That afternoon I
said to my wife, "That man is going to be in a lot of pain.' "

"Okay, Doc, you've had your ounce of flesh. Can I now have my
ounce of Demerol?"

"I better check you out first."

"Don't check me out, just give the dope."

"But in court the first question you asked me was if I had
examined the patient completely.  It would be negligent of me if
I didn't do it now.  Do you mind getting up on the scale?"

"What for?"

"To find out your height. I have to be prepared in case I get
sued and the lawyer asks me if I knew how tall you were."

"I'm not going to sue you."

"You say that now. But how can I be sure you won't file a writ
after you pass the kidney stone?"

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the
country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year.
Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his
(no, that's not the punch line) to spend a week or two up at this
place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine.

On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend
to stay with him.  The friend, eager to get a freebee off a
lawyer, agreed.

Well, they had a splendid time in the country - rising early and
living in the great outdoors.

Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion
went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast.  As they
went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and
raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge Bears -
a male and a female.

Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for
cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear
reached him and swallowed him whole.

The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has
he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff
grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the
lawyer.

Sure enough, the two bears were still there.

"He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while
visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head.
He just had to save his friend.

The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye,
leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE.

"Whatdya do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in
the other!"

"Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer
who told you that the Czech was in the Male?"

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Saint Peter was having a slow day at the Pearly Gates so he took
a little stroll.  He noticed that the fence between heaven and
hell was in need of some repair.  So he hollers over the fence to
Lucifer.

Saint Peter:  "This fence needs some repair.  I'll see to it that
it gets fixed if you will help pay for it."

Lucifer:  "If you want it fixed, you pay for it."  

Saint Peter:  "The fence is partly your responsibility and you
will help pay for it or I will sue you for that amount."

Lucifer:  "Ha!!  Where do you think you are going to get a
lawyer?!"

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the
bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?"

"Sure do," replied the bartender.

"Good," said the man.  "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer
for my 'gator."

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

A hindu, a rabbi, and a lawyer are traveling together and need to
stop for the night.  So they stop at the next farmhouse, and find
lodging, with the qualification that the house is only big enough
for two of them, and one will have to sleep in the barn.  So the
hindu volunteers and goes out to sleep in the barn while the
lawyer and rabbi sleep in the house.

A few minutes later, however, the lawyer and rabbi hear a knock
on the door, and opening it, find the hindu who protests "There
is a cow in the barn.  Surely you can't expect me to sleep with
cattle."  So the rabbi and the lawyer agree that perhaps the
rabbi should trade places with the hindu, and the rabbi goes out.

Within a short time, the hindu and the lawyer are getting ready
to go to sleep, when again there is a knock on the door.  Opening
the door they find the rabbi protesting, "There is a pig in the
barn.  Surely you can't expect me to sleep with a pig!".

Weary of the whole problem by this time, the lawyer pulls the
rabbi into the house, grabs a blanket and heads for the barn.
Almost immediately, there is a third knocking at the door, and
opening the door they find the pig and the cow.  "Surely you
can't expect us to sleep with a lawyer."

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

There is no better way to exercise the imagination than the study
of the law.

No artist ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer
interprets the truth.
                                - Jean Giradoux

A small town that cannot support one lawyer can always support
two.

There are two kinds of lawyers, those who know the law and those
who know the judge.

"I'll never discuss my lawyer's character in his absence, so
let's discuss his absence of character!
                               -  Michael Lara

"There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest.  For example, when
he filed his income tax return last year, he declared half of his
salary as 'unearned income.'"
                                   - ibid

Between grand theft and a legal fee, there only stands a law
degree.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=


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