THERE'S ONLY DECAF IN HELLBeing a partial list of the things that *are* in hell. There's only decaf in hell And only coffemate to go in it The only bread in hell is white wonderbread without the crust. . . day old There's only margarine in hell The only vegetable is lima beans There are only pepsi products in hell Tofu is the only protein source in hell The only beer you'll find in hell is Pabst Blue Ribbon. . . warm Hell's only candidate is Linden LaRouche There *is* a swimming pool in hell . . . closed for the season Hell imports its toilet paper from Israel The only cartoon you'll see in hell is the Smurfs And the only TV series is ALF The only book in hell is the driver's ed manual There's only Muzak in hell The only color in hell is hot pink The only instrument in hell is the bagpipes. . . And nobody plays it well There are only pennies in hell Hell hath only plastic flowers There are only automatic transmissions in hell. . . And all the drivers are old men with hats There are only TRS-80's in hell . . . with membrane keyboards There's only one telephone in hell There's only fan-fold paper in hell The only boardgame in hell is Chutes and Ladders The only video game in hell is Pong. . . and it's out of order There's only foreplay in hell |