A COLLECTION OF TRUE NEWSPAPER HEADLINES THAT MERIT A SECOND GLANCECRIME: Sheriff Asks For 13.7% Increase ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (Like, let's triple those muggings Lefty, and Spike, I want to see you double up on those purse-snatchings!) Sex Fund Pledged For Sheriff ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (Now he can take his mind off the increase in crime, eh?) Three Ambulances Take Blast Victim To Hospital ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (Wonder which one carried the vital organs?) Once-Sagging Cloth Diaper Industry Saved By Full Dumps ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (But babies were ALWAYS 'dumping'......) Wanted: Women To Test New Condom ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (A unique approach to meeting new women) State To Punish Duck Violaters ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (Perverted hunters????) Experts Are Sure The Dow Will Either Rise Or Decline ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (Well, now I can stop worrying about my investments since the future is so certain....) Blow To Head Is Common Cause Of Brain Injury ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (It took the experts to figure that one out) Low Pay Reason For Poverty, Study Says ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (They needed a study to find THAT out?) Circumcisions Cut Back ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (If you have to cut back, I guess that's as good a place as any to start) Hemorrhoids Inspire Respectful Hindsight ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (Hindsight, maybe....but who could respect a hemorrhoid in the morning?) You Can Still Bury Grandpa Out Back ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (So we don't have to wait until he's dead?) Mortuary Adds Drive-Through ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (Maybe the mourners will beep their horns loud enough to wake the dead) Teacher Dies; Board Accepts His Resignation ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (That's got to be the toughest way to quit a job that I know of!) City Wants Dead To Pay For Cleanup ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (And we all thought taxes ended with death!) US Says Insect Parts, Rat Hair Are OK In Food ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (Gimme An Order Of Insect Parts, Easy On The Fries.....) Ants Take A Long Time To Cook In Microwave ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (Who thought of this recipe, anyway???) Nudist Group Donates Clothing For Victims ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (Well, they weren't using them anyway) Londoner Fatally Injured By Turnip ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (When turnips are outlawed, only outlaws will have turnips) Man Shot Twice In Head, Gets Mad! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (It's the quiet ones you have to worry about) Dog That Bit 2 People Ordered To Leave Town ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (But did he UNDERSTAND that he had to leave town?) Police Recover Stolen Hamster, Arrest 3 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (Don't you agree that it's time they brought back the death penalty?) Robber's Description: Man, Possibly A Woman, Definitely Ugly ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (But how do you interview suspects without hurting their feelings?) Court Rules That Being A Jerk Is Not A Crime ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (We can all sleep better at night with THAT knowledge!) Thieves Steal Burglar Alarm ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (In case they wanted to catch themselves in the act?) Terrorist Bought Bomb Parts At K Mart ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (Attention K Mart shoppers, plutonium on aisle 9...) Jury Suspects Foul Play In Death Of Man Shot, Burned & Buried In Shallow Grave ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (Like, I guess they didn't want to discount the possibility of suicide) No Cause Of Death Determined For Beheading Victim ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (Maybe stretched vocal chords...?) ____________________ | Access Media BBS | | | | (416)825-8653 | |____________________| |