The following paper is taken
from The journal of Irreproducible Results,
Volume 25/Number 4/1979.
P.O. Box 234 Chicago Heights, Illinois 60411
Subscription's 1 year for $3.70
Worldwide controversy has been generated recently from several court
decisions in the United States which have restricted popular magazines
from printing articles which describe how to make an atomic bomb. The
reason usually given by the courts is that national security would be
compromised if such information were generally available. But, since it is
commonly known that all of the information is publicly available in most
major metropolitan libraries, obviously the court's officially stated
position is covering up a more important factor; namely, that such atomic
devices would prove too difficult for the average citizen to construct.
The United States courts cannot afford to insult the vast majorities by
insinuating that they do not have the intelligence of a cabbage, and thus
the "official" press releases claim national security as a blanket
The rumors that have unfortunately occurred as a result of widespread
misinformation can (and must) be cleared up now, for the construction
project this month is the construction of a thermonuclear device, which
will hopefully clear up any misconceptions you might have about such a
project. We will see how easy it is to make a device of your very own in
ten easy steps, to have and hold as you see fit, without annoying
interference from the government or the courts.
The project will cost between $5,000 and $30,000 dollars, depending
on how fancy you want the final product to be. Since last week's column,
"Let's Make a Time Machine", was received so well in the new step-by-step
format, this month's column will follow the same format.
2. CONSTRUCTION METHOD
1. First, obtain about 50 pounds (110 kg) of weapons grade Plutonium
at your local supplier (see NOTE 1). A nuclear power plant is not
recommended, as large quantities of missing Plutonium tends to make plant
engineers unhappy. We suggest that you contact your local terrorist
organization, or perhaps the Junior Achievement in your neighborhood.
2. Please remember that Plutonium, especially pure, refined
Plutonium, is somewhat dangerous. Wash your hands with soap and warm water
after handling the material, and don't allow your children or pets to play
in it or eat it. Any left over Plutonium dust is excellent as an insect
repellant. You may wish to keep the substance in a lead box if you can
find one in your local junk yard, but an old coffee can will do nicely.
3. Fashion together a metal enclosure to house the device. Most
common varieties of sheet metal can be bent to disguise this enclosure as,
for example, a briefcase, a lunch pail, or a Buick. Do not use tinfoil.
4. Arrange the Plutonium into two hemispheral shapes, separated by
about 4 cm. Use rubber cement to hold the Plutonium dust together.
5. Now get about 100 pounds (220 kg) of trinitrotoluene (TNT).
Gelignite is much better, but messier to work with. Your helpful hardware
man will be happy to provide you with this item.
6. Pack the TNT around the hemisphere arrangement constructed in step
4. If you cannot find Gelignite, fell free to use TNT packed in with
Playdo or any modeling clay. Colored clay is acceptable, but there is no
need to get fancy at this point.
7. Enclose the structure from step 6 into the enclosure made in step
3. Use a strong glue such as "Crazy Glue" to bind the hemisphere
arrangement against the enclosure to prevent accidental detonation which
might result from vibration or mishandling.
8. To detonate the device, obtain a radio controlled (RC) servo
mechanism, as found in RC model airplanes and cars. With a modicum of
effort, a remote plunger can be made that will strike a detonator cap to
effect a small explosion. These detonatior caps can be found in the
electrical supply section of your local supermarket. We recommend the
"Blast-O-Mactic" brand because they are no deposit-no return.
9. Now hide the completed device from the neighbors and children. The
garage is not recommended because of high humidity and the extreme range
of temperatures experienced there. Nuclear devices have been known to
spontaneously detonate in these unstable conditions. The hall closet or
under the kitchen sink will be perfectly suitable.
10. Now you are the proud owner of a working thermonuclear device! It
is a great ice-breaker at parties, and in a pinch, anc be used for
3. THEORY OF OPERATION
The device basically works when the detonated TNT compresses the
Plutonium into a critical mass. The critical mass then produces a nuclear
chain recation similar to the domino chain reaction (discussed in this
column, "Dominos on the March", March, 1968). The chain reaction then
promptly produces a big thermonuclear reaction. And there you have it, a
10 megaton explosion!
4. NEXT MONTH'S COLUMN
In next month's column, we will learn how to clone your neighbor's
wife in six easy steps. This project promises to be an exciting weekend
full of fun and profit. Common kitchen utensils will be all you need. See
you next month!
1. Plutonium (PU), atomic number 94, is a radioactive metallic
element formed by the decay of Neptunium and is similar in chemical
structure to Uranium, Saturium, Jupiternium, and Marisum.
6. PREVIOUS MONTH'S COLUMNS
1. Let's Make Test Tube Babies! May, 1979
2. Let's Make a Solar System! June, 1979
3. Let's Make a Economic Recession! July, 1979
4. Let's Make an Anti-Gravity Machine! August, 1979
5. Let's Make Contact with an Alien Race! September, 1979