ЭЛЕКТРОННАЯ БИБЛИОТЕКА КОАПП
Сборники Художественной, Технической, Справочной, Английской, Нормативной, Исторической, и др. литературы.



Computer Diagnosis


                     Computer Diagnosis

                   ::::::::::::::::::::::


A chap went to his doctor who was very excited about his latest
aquisition.  "I've just got a new computer and it's fantastic!"
said the doc. The patient didn't like computers but replied
politely "Oh, really?" "Really!" purred the doc.  It not only
does my bills, and pays my staff, and does my taxes, and orders
my supplies, and all that stuff.It also does my diagnosis for
me!

"Wow" said the unimpressed patient.  Undeterred by his patient's
lack of enthusiasm the doc said, "Look, let me show you.  Give me
your urine specimen!"

The doc took the little bottle and poured the yellow liquid into
a small funnel on top of the console.  The machine clanked for a
few seconds and spat out a tiny piece of paper. The doc tore it
off and without even looking at it himself gave it to his
patient.  "Read that!" he said smugly.  The patient read, "You
are 43 years old.  You have tennis elbow in your right arm."
Handing the paper back the patient said "That's pretty good.
It got my age right.  But my arm is OK.  I've never played tennis
in my life!"

The doctor was embarrassed.  "This hasn't happened before" he
apologised. "Please, come back tomorrow with another specimen,
and we'll try it again".

Being a nice sort of fellow the patient showed up at the doctor's
the next day with another bottle.  The doc poured in the contents
and machine produced a note identical to yesterday's.  The
patient denied playing tennis but confirmed that at least the
machine got his age right.

The doctor moaned,"Look this can't be happening".  Please help me
and come back one more time.  I'll get the technicians in here
tonight to tear this thing apart if they have to. But the
technicians could find nothing amiss that night.

At home however the patient was really angry with himself for
letting the doctor push him around. He didn't like computers and
come to think of it he didn't like the bloody doctor either! But
he peed in the bottle and thought "I'm damned if I'm going to
make it easy for that jerk and his stupid machine!" So he gave
the bottle to his 16 year old daughter who added some urine of
her own.  She passed the bottle to her older brother who peed
into it as well.

Still unsatisfied (and thoroughly and literally pissed off by
now) the patient went to the garage and drained a little
crankcase oil from his car into the bottle and stirred it in.
Feeling somewhat better he had one further inspiration: He
masturbated and put a little of that into the bottle as
well...

"Hmmm.." said the doc looking at the weird contents of the
specimen bottle.  But he poured it into the funnel. The machine
responed immediately and clanked and groaned for about 10
minutes.  Then it spit out a much larger piece of paper. Afraid
to look the doc gave it to his patient ....

 The patient read:

 "You are 43 years old.
 "Your 16 year old daughter is pregnant.
 "Your 18 year old son uses drugs.
 "You really should change the oil in your '82 LeBaron."
 "If you don't quit jerking off you'll never get rid of your
  tennis elbow."


?????? ???????????