Computer DiagnosisComputer Diagnosis :::::::::::::::::::::: A chap went to his doctor who was very excited about his latest aquisition. "I've just got a new computer and it's fantastic!" said the doc. The patient didn't like computers but replied politely "Oh, really?" "Really!" purred the doc. It not only does my bills, and pays my staff, and does my taxes, and orders my supplies, and all that stuff.It also does my diagnosis for me! "Wow" said the unimpressed patient. Undeterred by his patient's lack of enthusiasm the doc said, "Look, let me show you. Give me your urine specimen!" The doc took the little bottle and poured the yellow liquid into a small funnel on top of the console. The machine clanked for a few seconds and spat out a tiny piece of paper. The doc tore it off and without even looking at it himself gave it to his patient. "Read that!" he said smugly. The patient read, "You are 43 years old. You have tennis elbow in your right arm." Handing the paper back the patient said "That's pretty good. It got my age right. But my arm is OK. I've never played tennis in my life!" The doctor was embarrassed. "This hasn't happened before" he apologised. "Please, come back tomorrow with another specimen, and we'll try it again". Being a nice sort of fellow the patient showed up at the doctor's the next day with another bottle. The doc poured in the contents and machine produced a note identical to yesterday's. The patient denied playing tennis but confirmed that at least the machine got his age right. The doctor moaned,"Look this can't be happening". Please help me and come back one more time. I'll get the technicians in here tonight to tear this thing apart if they have to. But the technicians could find nothing amiss that night. At home however the patient was really angry with himself for letting the doctor push him around. He didn't like computers and come to think of it he didn't like the bloody doctor either! But he peed in the bottle and thought "I'm damned if I'm going to make it easy for that jerk and his stupid machine!" So he gave the bottle to his 16 year old daughter who added some urine of her own. She passed the bottle to her older brother who peed into it as well. Still unsatisfied (and thoroughly and literally pissed off by now) the patient went to the garage and drained a little crankcase oil from his car into the bottle and stirred it in. Feeling somewhat better he had one further inspiration: He masturbated and put a little of that into the bottle as well... "Hmmm.." said the doc looking at the weird contents of the specimen bottle. But he poured it into the funnel. The machine responed immediately and clanked and groaned for about 10 minutes. Then it spit out a much larger piece of paper. Afraid to look the doc gave it to his patient .... The patient read: "You are 43 years old. "Your 16 year old daughter is pregnant. "Your 18 year old son uses drugs. "You really should change the oil in your '82 LeBaron." "If you don't quit jerking off you'll never get rid of your tennis elbow." |