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Tonkin's First Computer Dictionary

    Acknowledgements to Bruce Tonkin, T.N.T. Software Inc., 34069 Haines-
ville Road, Round Lake, IL, 60073 (312)-223-8595, for his article in Dec
'87 COMPUTERPEOPLE Monthly, from which this is copied. This file may be
freely distributed, but not for profit, etc. Be sure to take a look at MY
WORD! and BBC, IBM-Basica compiler.

Advanced: (adj.) doesn't work yet, but it's pretty close. See: bug, glitch.

Analyst: (n.) one who writes programs and doesn't trust them. A cynic.

Assembler: (n.) a minor program of interest only to obsessed programmers.

BASIC: (n.) a computer one-word oxymoron.

BBS: (n.) a system fo connecting computers and exchanging gossip, facts, and
 uniformed speculation under false names.

Benchmark: (n.) a test written ostensibly to compare hardware or software,
 but actually used by manufacturers to misinterpret or quote out of
 context in advertisements.

Binary: (n.) a two-valued logic especially susceptible to glitches and
 bugs. It originated as a way of counting on the thumbs, since programming
 managers usually find fingers far too confusing. See: Hexadecimal, Octal.

Bug: (n.) any program feature not yet described to the marketing department.

Bus: (n.) a connector you pluf money into, something like a slot machine.

Byte: (n.) eight bits, or one dollar (in 1950 terms). Presently worth about
 two-tenths of a cent and falling fast.

C: (n.) the language following A and B. The world still awaits D and E. By
 Z, it may be acceptable for general use.

Chip: (n.) a stylized picture of a logic diagram on refined and alloyed
 sand. See: glitch, bug.

COBOL: (n.) an old computer language, designed to be read and not run.
 Unfortunately, it is often run anyway.

Code: (n.) a means of concealing bugs favored by programmers. (v.) the
 process of concealing bugs by programming.

Cookie: (n.) any recondite message displayed by a time-shared system. the
 message is not often seen, because it only appears when the system is
 operating properly. Common cookies include the timeless "Murphy was an
 optimist" and "When in danger or in doubt, run in circles, scream and

Copy Protection: (n.) a means of circumventing various rights granted by
 the Constitution so as to artificially inflate profits.

CPU: (n.) acronym for Central Purging Unit. A device which discards or dis-
 torts data sent to it, sometimes returning more data and sometimes merely

Crash: (v.) to terminate a program in the usual fashion, i.e. by locking up
 the computer of setting a fire at the printer. (n.) the process of such

Data: (n.) raw information, esp. that supplied to the central purging unit
 for transformation and disposal.

Data Base Manager: (n.) any fast filing system which gives misleading
 answers. Also see: menu, bug.

Diagnostic: (n.) a test foolishly but often believed to determine the
 reason for a particular failure. Competent professionals prefer the I
 Ching or phrenology.

Digital: (adj.) of or  pertaining to the fingers, esp. to counting on them.
 See: Binary, Hexadecimal, Octal.

Documentation: (n.) a novel sold with software, designed to entertain the
 operator during episodes of bugs or glitches.

DOS: (n.) Acronym. a program which outpes questions given answers, putting
 users in jeopardy.

Emulate: (v.) to simulate hardware glitches with software bugs. Emulator:
 (n.) a program which emulates. See: Virtual.

Engineer: (v.) to build somethign with bugs (software) or glitches (hard-
 ware). (n.) One who engineers.

Format: (v.) to erase irrevocably and unintentionally. (n.) The process of
 such erasure.

Forth: (n.) a stack-oriented programming language written right to left and
 read from bottom to top. It runs efficently on no common computers and is
 written effectively by no common programmers.

FORTRAN: (n.) an ancient programming language which changed IF's to GOTO's
 by using a strange three-valued logic on binary computers.

Glitch: (n.) an undocumented design feature, esp. of hardware.

GOTO: (n.) an efficient and general way of controlling a program, much des-
 pised by academics and others whose brains have been ruined by over-
 exposure to Pascal. See: Pascal.

Hard Disk: (n.) a rapidly spinning platter divided into sectors. See:
 Sector, Glitch, Bug.

Hardware: (n.) anything prone to physical failure.

Head: (n.) the part of a disk drive which detects sectors and decides which
 of the two possible values to return: 'lose a turn' or 'bankrupt.'

Hexadecimal: (adj.) of or refering to base-16 numbers - binary numbers
 grouped four digits at a time so as to quadruple the opportunity for
 glitches and bugs. Originated as a means of counting on the fingers of
 one hand, using the thumb for the 'carry.' Purists who don't like to use
 the thumb at all prefer 'octal.' See: Octal, Binary.

Icon: (n.) a complex, blurry, and easily-misinterpreted pictorial represent-
 ation of a single unambigious word. Preferred by illiterates and semi-
 literates for these reasons, and by others because it slows most computers
 down so even a cretin with an IQ of 53 may justly feel superior.

Increment: (v.) to increase by one, except when segments are used; then, the
 increase may be by sixteen unless word mode addressing is used in which
 case the increase is by one or two, depending on the processor and whether
 the address is on an even boundary or such increase causes an overflow
 exception processor fault, which may either cause the program to crash or
 decrease by a large number instead of increase, depending the register
 used and the operation being attempted.

Iterate: (v.) to repeat an action for a potentially and often actually in-
 finite number of times.

Joystick: (n.) a device essential for performing business tasks and training
 exercises esp. favored by pilots, tank commanders, riverboat gamblers, and
 medieval warlords.

K: (n., adj.) a binary thousand, which isn't a decimal thousand or even
 really a binary thousand (which is eight), but is the binary number
 closest to a decimal thousand. This has proven so completely confusing
 that is has become a standard.

Kernal: (n.) a misspelling of 'kernel' used by beginning (funtionally
 illiterate) programmers, especially thos with some knowledge of C.

Kernel: (n.) the core of a program, i.e. the source of all errors. Thus the
 common misspelling, 'kernal.'

Keyboard: (n.) a device used by programmers to write software for a mouse or
 joystick and by operators for playing games such as 'word processing.'

Kludge: (v., adj., or n.) to fix a program in the usual way.

Leading Edge: (n., adj.) anything which uses advanced technology. See:

License: (n.) a covenant which tells the buyer that nothing has been pur-
 chased and that no refund, support, advice, or instruction may be
 anticipated and that no resale is permitted. A modern way of saying
 "Thanks for all your money and goodbye," far less crude than "Stick 'em
 up" but even more effective since the purchaser will often borrow the
 funds requested.

Logic: (n.) a system of determining truth or falsity, implication or
 exclusion, by means of a sort of binary Oneiromancy.

Loop: (n., v.) 1. aseries of instructions to be iterated. 2. the process of
 iterating them. Most loops ar unintentional and can be quite droll.

Macro: (n.) a series of keystrokes used to simulate a missing but essential

Megabyte: (n.) more than you can comprehend and less than you'll need. See:

Megaherz: (n.) a way of measuring how well your computer matches the fre-
 quency of your local television channels. Most computers perform exception-
 ally well on this test, especially the higher-quality foreign-made ones.

Menu: (n.) any list of choices, each of which is either unsatisfactory or in
 some fashion contradictory.

Micro-: (prefix) anything both very small and very expensive.

Mode: (n.) a way of forcing glitch or bug.

Modem: (n., v.) a device used to connect computers (see: BBS) or the process
 of transmitting data between or among computers, esp. for those unable or
 unwilling to speak.

Monitor: (n.) a sort of television with exceptionally poor picture quality
 and limited to a single very local station.

Motherboard: (n.) the hardware version of the software 'kernel.'

Mouse: (n.) an input device used by management to force computer users to
 keep at least a part of their desks clean.

Nano-: (prefix) a thousandth of a thousandth, but not a binary thousandth in
 either case. Decimal is used for all very small measurements since no
 further confusion is necessary.

Octal: (n.) a base-8 counting system designed so that one hand may count upon
 the fingers of the other. Thumbs are not used, and the index finger is
 reserved for the 'carry.'

Offset: (n.) a method which permits access to any memory location in thou-
 sands of ways, each of which appears different but is not. Used with seg-
 ments. See: Segment.

Operator: (n.) 1. One who has no experience with computers. 2. Any beginner,
 esp. one part of whose salary is paid in soft drinks and processed salted
 food treated with dangerous and illegal drugs or preservatives. Differs
 from a programmer in that a programmer will often take the dangerous and
 illegal drugs or preservatatives directly.

Pascal: (n.) a classroom project which was released before it could be
 graded - probably a good idea, considering. One wishes the University had
 had a better system of academic controls.

Patch: (v.) to fix a program by changing bytes according to the rules of
 logic. (n.) Any repair of this form.

Pirate: (v., n.) to steal software, or one who is such a thief. True pirates
 see nothing wrong with thievery, having successfully forgotten or repressed
 all moral values.

Pop: (v.) to remove from an area of memory naively thought to be the stack in
 a futile attempt to keep a program running.

Portable: (adj.) that which can be physically moved more than a hundred yards
 by an unaided olympic athlete without permanent damage to that individual
 more than 50% of the time.

Printer: (n.) a small box attached to a computer and used to start fires in
 cold weather.

Procedure: (n.) a method of performing a program sub-task in an inefficient
 way by extensively using the stack instead of a GOTO. See: Pascal and C.

Processor: (n.) a device for converting sense to nonsense at the speed of
 electricity, or (rarely) the reverse.

Program: (n.) that which manipulates symbols rapidly with unforseen results.
 Also: a bug's way of perpetuating bugs.

Programmer: (n.) 1. one who writes programs and trusts them. An optimist. 2.
 Any employee who needs neither food nor sleep but exixts on large quanti-
 ties of caffeine, nicotine, sucrose, and machine-vended preservatives
 thinly disguised as foodstuffs.

Programming Language: (n.) a shorthand way of describing a series of bugs to
 a computer or a programmer.

Prompt: (n.) a computer request for a random operator error. Also a game
 where the computer plays the part of Vanna White and the operator, a
 contestant. There are no prizes for winning.

Push: (v.) to put into an area of memory believed to be the stack for the
 ostensible purpose of later retrieval. Tonkin's rule: In any program there
 are always more 'pushes' than 'pops.' See: Recursion.

Quantum leap: (adj.) literally, to move by the smallest amount theoretically
 possible. In advertising, to move by the largest leap imaginable (in the
 mind of the advertiser). There is no contradiction.

Recursion: (n.) a programming method which tests the limits of available
 memory in an iterative way by using the stack. When the program fails, all
 memory has been used. Memorize this definition, then see: Recursion.

Register: (n.) a part of the central purging unit used to distort or destroy
 incoming data by arbitrary rules. See: Increment.

Relational: (adj.) purchased from, or sold to, blood kin. See: True relational.

Sector: (n.) a disk arc on which is inscribed 'lose a turn' or 'bankrupt.'
 See: Hard disk, Head, Glitch.

Segment: (n.) a way of restricting or complicating access to memory in an
 attempt to break  a programmer's will to live. Outlawed by both the
 A.S.P.C.A and the U.N. but still practiced in some backward areas of the
 world. See: Offset.

Software: (n.) anything other than hardware. That which hardware manufact-
 urers can blame can blame for physical failures.

Sort: (v.) to order a list of data in such a way as to destroy all relation-
 ships between the items. (n.) The process which accomplishes this, esp. if
 it takes a very long time.

Source Code: (n.) a record of a programmer's thought for a period of time. A
 stream-of-consciousness novel or short story.

Spreadsheet: (n.) a way of forcing repeatable answers from insufficient data
 for superficial purposes. Also, a game played during office hours by bored
 or restless yuppies.

Stack: (n.) any area of memory which grows and eventually destroys both code
 and data. (v.) To place in such an area.

Standard: (n., adj.) a design target which manufacturers may embellish,
 improve upon, or ignore as they wish, so long as it can be used profitably
 in their advertising.

Transportable: (adj.) said of software - that which can be put on a new
 machine in less time than it took to write in the first place. Said of
 hardware - that which can theoretically be moved more than ten feet in one
 minute by some combination of machinery or explosives. The meanings are

Truly relational: (adj.) relational, but where the paternity is indubitable.

TSR: (n.) acronym for Terminate and Stay Resident. A way of turning a useless
 computer with plenty of memory into a computer with no memory at all.

Turbo-: (prefix) computer software which uses air under pressure (supplied by
 a special fan) to achieve high performance.

User-friendly: (adj.) trivialized, slow, incapable, and boring. See: Icon,

UNIX: (n., v.) a DOS which needs more memory than you have and run more slow-
 ly than you can bear. To UNIX: to grossly enlarge and slow down out of all
 proportion, esp. by using C.

User: (n.) one who knows from experience that programs cannot be trusted. A

Vendor: (n.) a manufacturer's lackey.

Virtual: (adj.) emulated. See: Emulate.

Warranty: (n.) a list of vendor's promises with carefully-worded exceptions
 which cancel each of the promises in turn. See: License.

Windowing: (n., adj.) a way of making a large and easily-read display into
 many small, cluttered, and confusing ones.

Word Processor: (n.) A program which makes a $5,000 computer into a $250
 typewriter. A computer game for beginning operators.

WORM: (n.) acronym for Write Once, Read Mangled. Used to describe a normally-
 functioning computer disk of the very latest design.

XYZZY: (n.) a common user prompt.

Yarrow: (n.) kind of stalks wuse by computer diagnosticians when performing
 the ritual of the I Ching. See: Diagnostics.

Zaxxon: (n.) a sophisticated simulation and design program used by the
 brightest programmers to test the consistency of internal logic and memory.
 Management prefers to use games such as 'spreadsheet' for the same purpose.

 є  To see the next Menu...........Enter "25".........thanks!            є  і
 є                                                                       є  і
 є  1 - The Thirty BBS Commandments  є 13 - Houston Area Pawn Shops      є  і
 є  2 - Computer Law Information     є 14 - Local Computer Supply Shops  є  і
 є  3 - Time Saving Tips on BBS'     є 15 - List of Senators             є  і
 є  4 - Disabling Call-Waiting       є 16 - Dirty Dozen (Trojans)        є  і
 є  5 - Extended Codes               є 17 - Yoda's File List             є  і
 є  6 - TradeWars Game Rules         є 18 - Mel Douglas' GT List         є  і
 є  7 - Line Noise Information       є 19 - Yoda's Local List            є  і
 є  8 - Animation & TD by Mr. Arnett є 20 - Houston Inline Ads           є  і
 є  9 - Signatures & TD by Mr. Arnettє 21 - Computer Dictionary (cute)   є  і
 є 10 - Ansi Escape Codes            є 22 -                              є  і
 є 11 - Diagnostic Error

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