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The LoserUsers



                                  The LoserUsers
                                 Bonus Section #3

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                  The LoserUsers
                          Written by: The Trash Compactor

    Introduction:

         Inevitably, I'll be asked this question, so let me address it now.
    "Why did you write this file?".
         The answer is simple.  After being subjected to losers for 20 months
    of BBSing, it sometimes becomes difficult to cope with them.  Much the
    same way you'd feel if you lived close to the gay populace of San
    Francisco, seeing these people becomes a matter of fact.  There's not much
    you can do to prevent it...  So what do you do about them?  You use them
    as a topic for generating humor, although of course they themselves
    generate quite a lot of humor without any prompting whatsoever.
         This file is dedicated to the sysop who has suffered many months of
    facing the reality of the cranial capacity of the average "Joe Public" out
    there, and is close to packing the whole thing in out of utter
    frustration.
         I want to stress that this is in essence a "war" between LoserUsers
    and sysops, and the sysops must not give in!  It _is_ possible to defeat
    the LoserUser, and this file will hopefully help some poor soul out there
    who's suffering from the LoserUser Blues...  I may not be much of a
    psychiatrist, but I know what I've gone through and what has given me the
    strength to continue.  Thus, what follows is a comprehensive "LoserUser
    Manual" if you will, touching on just about all the topics concerned with
    those mindless fools who log onto your system day and night.  Sit back and
    relax folks, cause this could take awhile...!

       Heartfelt thanks go to:

     - The LoserUser who designed the credits at the top of this file.
     - LJS for inspiring me to write this.
     - Inspector Gadget without whom I'd have been unable to write this from
       an experienced point of view.
     - To the pre-pubescent Rodent who has supplied me with much humorous
       aspects on the average 15 yr old (actually, he's a decent guy and
       undeserving of the critique, but how can I resist?)
     - Several sysops around town who have shared experiences with me leading
       to a few examples of losers in this file.
     - All the LoserUsers of T.O., without which this file could never exist.

    * Disclaimer *

         This file contains no proper names, in order to protect their
    identity.  Any names which in some way, shape or form, resemble real-life
    people is purely co-incidental.  If this file is offensive to some, please
    be reminded that it is intended as a source of humor only, and no
    intention of direct criticism is intended.  The author can in no way,
    shape or form, be held responsible for damages incurred, directly or
    indirectly, as a result of this file, whether they be physical,
    psychological or otherwise.  Parental discretion is advised as the
    material that follows may be offensive to some.



                             Humor Digest - October 90






                                  The LoserUsers
                                 Bonus Section #3

    Part 1:  The Types of LoserUsers.

         In the BBS community, you can usually fit losers into one of the
    below categories...  More likely than not, the loser will fit into
    _several_ different categories simultaneously.  A brief description of the
    categories follow:

       1) The BBS loser.
          This guy is your typical brainless loser.  Most losers fall into
          this very general category.
       2) The "Leech".
          This is the guy who is obsessed with the acquisition of "wares".
          He will do anything in his power to increase his library.  That
          usually includes sucking download areas dry, hence giving the term
          "leech".
       3) 64-Syndrome.
          This is a general disease suffered by some people in the community.
          While based around the Commodore 64, the disease also affects
          various other users, including Atari and Radio-Shack users.  These
          people seem to have been somehow adversely affected by the nature of
          their computer (although that doesn't necessarily mean that they
          would not have shown "loser" symptoms had they bought an Apple or
          IBM).  More often than not, this disease is just a more precise
          manifestation of the first in the list, with the difference that
          they cannot comprehend some very simple and standard BBSing
          concepts.
       4) The "hacker".
          This is an unfortunate category, which really does the term "hacker"
          no justice, yet is the only appropriately technical term which I can
          think of.  These people like to think of themselves as hackers, but
          a much better term is "pest".  They incessantly try to crash
          BBS'es.
       5) The non-decrepit user.
          These people aren't full-blooded losers, but generally, these are
          the people who log onto BBS'es and never post a single message; if
          it weren't for the userlog, one would find it hard to believe just
          how often they call and tie up the system.
       6) The Non-sysop.
          This is perhaps the most serious of the types of losers.  These
          people, for one reason or another, decided that they wanted to
          become a "sysop" (I use that term loosely!).  Not even the
          psychiatrists can figure these people out, but I will take my shot
          at it.

         All these types of users plague BBSes in their own way; some groups
    are more prevalent than others in various situations.  It is very
    important that you note the various percentages of types of losers who
    frequent your individual system; based upon these facts, only THEN can you
    form a battle-plan.

    Part 2:  The Traits of a Loser.

         We will take the groupings one by one, and discuss the signals
    prevalent within each category.  There are many things that will give a


                             Humor Digest - October 90






                                  The LoserUsers
                                 Bonus Section #3

    loser away, and its virtually impossible to cover them all, however I will
    try...

    Type A:  The BBS Loser

         The most important part of the general BBS loser is that he(she?!)
    has absolutely no brain whatsoever.  This lack of grey matter expresses
    itself in many ways, and thus there are perhaps more examples of something
    that indicates a LoserUser in this category than any other.
    Unfortunately, the lack of a brain precludes these social outcasts from
    being able to understand (much less perform) many of the basics of BBSing.
         Firstly, these people cannot understand instructions.  Now, perhaps
    you cannot quite grasp the severity of what this means!  Think of all the
    places in a BBS where people are asked to follow rules, both explicitly
    and implicitly.

    a) Logging on for the first time, it is the norm for users to be subjected
    to some sort of a message which they cannot interrupt, outlining the
    "rules" of the BBS.  Apparently, LoserUsers never read this message, and
    use their ignorance as a crutch when a sysop gets pissed off at their
    failure to comply with the regulations of the system.
       Sysop: What the hell is wrong with you, you moron?  Didn't you read the
              RULES?!  It says "No Aliases".  Can you understand that, or are
              you saying that your name is REALLY "Psycho Clam"?
       Loser: Hello?
       Sysop: YES!! Can you read?
       Loser: Ya
       Sysop: What did the rules say about aliases?
       Loser: I dunno
       Sysop: Why not?
       Loser: I didnt see nothin on aliases
       Sysop: It says "NO ALIASES".  Wouldn't you say that that means that you
              can't read?
       Loser: Well I didnt see it ok
       Sysop: Obviously.  If you must, call back and log on again.  This time
              try to read the rules.
       * Connection terminated *

    b) Losers seem to have EXTREME difficulty entering their phone numbers.
    How this is so difficult has always and continues to baffle me.  Remember,
    don't let it bother you.  Its all a part of the LoserUser scheme to drive
    us into the asylum THEY used to be in.  Here's a classic example:
       BBS:   Enter your phone number: A/C-###-####
       Loser: (hits return)
       BBS:   Enter your phone number: A/C-###-####
       Loser: (hits return)
       BBS:   Enter your phone number: A/C-###-####
       Loser: 000-0000
       BBS:   Incorrect format
              Enter your phone number: A/C-###-####
              =--> Sysop interrupts...
       Sysop: What's your problem? Do you know what a phone number is?
       Loser: Ya
       Sysop: Do you know what your phone number is?


                             Humor Digest - October 90






                                  The LoserUsers
                                 Bonus Section #3

       Loser: 545-6754
       Sysop: Ok, so enter it. And remember to enter your area code.
       BBS:   =--> Chat ended
              Enter your phone number: A/C-###-####
       Loser: 545-6754
       BBS:   Incorrect format
              Enter your phone number: A/C-###-####
              =--> Sysop interrupts...
       Sysop: Holy shit! Do you know what an "area code" is?
       Loser: Ya
       Sysop: So put in your area code! Now what's your phone number?
       Loser: 545-6754
       Sysop: With your AREA CODE!
       Loser: 416-545-6754
       BBS:   =--> Chat ended
              Enter your phone number: A/C-###-####
       Loser: 545-6754
       * Connection terminated *

    c) Perhaps one of the most common displays of the inability to read comes
    in the posting of messages.  How many times have you seen people try to
    end a message with "done", "/e", "/ex", "/es", ".s" when it clearly says
    that you should use "/s" to "send" the message?  Even worse is the guy who
    after trying 2 or 3 of the above, just starts hitting until the
    message is full.  These messages are hard to read as the text scrolls off
    the screen before you have a chance to read it all.  But then again, being
    written by a loser, it's probably to your benefit that you couldn't read
    it.
         Then, of course, so often messages posted in a conference deal with
    some topic which plainly should be posted in some other conference.
    Again, these losers just don't seem to understand that the title of the
    conferences should somehow give them an idea of where to post something.
    Then, there's the loser who posts the same message on 3 different
    conferences, just to make sure all the losers read it (losers often aren't
    even aware that the other conferences exist, let alone what they're for).

    d) Now, invariably, sysops find themselves chatting with losers.  This is
    perhaps the single most difficult and taxing chore of running a BBS.  A
    solid loser can drive you to drink at the best of times, and force you
    into a state of temporary insanity at worst (to date, thank God, we still
    don't know of any sysops who committed suicide following a chat with a
    loser).  Firstly, losers must be taught that it is "chat" protocol to
    leave a blank line between what they say, to indicate that they are
    finished saying whatever and are now waiting for a reply.  Chatting with a
    loser is so boring and frustrating because of the speed he's typing at,
    without making the sysop decide whether or not the gumby has finished
    typing.  Next, understanding a loser is sometimes a difficult chore.  The
    loser seems to have his own vocabulary.  Essentially, they use many words
    which are obvious misspellings of regularly used words.  The only theory
    I've been able to come up with that accounts for this bizarre behavior is
    that they do this to cover up the fact that they make spelling mistakes
    every 5 or 6 words, so this way you're never sure if he misspelled it, or
    whether its just another part of his regular "vocabulary".  Remember that
    losers (based on the number of times they select the main menu as their


                             Humor Digest - October 90






                                  The LoserUsers
                                 Bonus Section #3

    command) have a hard time remembering the 20 or so options available to
    them on the BBS, let alone the English language.  Chatting with one of
    these people is similar to talking with a caveman (or Arnold
    Schwartzenegger; only difference is that Arnie's smart...  He carries a
    gun with him so no-one bothers him, and he never logs onto a BBS).  What
    is really disturbing are situations where you heap sarcasm and criticism
    on a loser, and he doesn't even realize it!  An example:
       Sysop: Good day.  What did you want to ask me?
       Loser: Wow, are u the sysop?
       Sysop: No, I'm the zit on your face.
       Loser: Iv never talk to sysop be4. This is awesum!
       Sysop: Whatever. What do you want?
       Loser: How do i get more acces to the BBS?
       Sysop: If you contribute, call regularly, and prove yourself worthy of
              a higher access level, you'll get it.
       Loser: So what button do i push?
       Sysop: What?!
       Loser: How do i get acces?
       Sysop: You don't.
       Loser: Howcum?
       Sysop: Cause I said so.
       Loser: Ok. But like can i get more time on the BBS?
       Sysop: No.
       Loser: Oh. U r a k00l d00d thow cant i get to do more stuff?
       Sysop: No. Listen I have to split. Talk to you later.

    Type B: The Leech

         This is the newest victim of a highly contagious virus that is
    spreading throughout the land of micro-computing; I refer to it as "NWS"
    or "New-Wares Syndrome".  You might wonder why I use the term "victim"; I
    must stress that it is a VIRUS.  Many losers catch it, it might be the
    AIDS of computing.  Again, you must be a loser in order to catch it, and
    once you've got it, it sort of dwells on you for awhile before eventually
    leveling off at a certain plateau and finally receding.  This NWS cycle
    may last anywhere from one to six years, depending on the individual.
    Simply put, the virus affects the central nervous system of the brain,
    which results in some form of insanity when the person is faced with the
    possibility of obtaining new software for his computer.  In the very early
    manifestation, the bulk of interest lies in games; later more advanced
    strains of the virus cause the person to place more interest in utility
    programs, some business application software, and other miscellaneous
    material.  Perhaps one of the most heart-wrenching cases is the person,
    who in his crusade for new wares, decides to put up an AE or CatFur line
    in the hopes that it will bring new wares to him (these people have many
    things to learn about users and their willingness to upload!).  NWS feeds
    on the ego/power trip of the individual who things he's a big "stud" whom
    everyone (other LoserUsers) admires and looks up to.  They will do almost
    ANYTHING to obtain that new ware.  This includes sending literally tons of
    e-mail asking various other LoserUsers if they want to trade, and giving
    them their latest list of "tradeable" commodities.  Funny thing is that
    very little ever comes of these messages, because the person who receives
    it merely sends back a list of his latest wares.  More often than not,
    because they are on an ego-trip, they disdain trading with someone they


                             Humor Digest - October 90






                                  The LoserUsers
                                 Bonus Section #3

    don't know, because they firmly believe that they have more wares than the
    other person, and thus don't want to "give up" any of their "super-wares"
    to get something else.  The net effect is that it wastes a whole pile of
    disk space and nothing else.  Usually a post on the "wares" conference is
    as much a statement of position as it is a request for new wares.
         Of course, this person displays symptoms of NWS in other places
    besides just BBS systems.  Generally they are high school students (12-19
    yrs old), and as such, the school they attend is the major source of their
    wares.  They have no scruples, and will engage in radical tactics, such as
    stealing disks belonging to a rival ware-monger.  The school is their
    showcase for new wares; they derive ultimate satisfaction from being the
    first person in the school to boot up a new ware; they claim (naturally)
    that the game (it's usually a game) is "totally, super-awesome, absolutely
    incredible, fucking amazing", etc.  Rivals of course try to play down the
    significance of the ware, and just boot up their latest ware on the
    nearest possible computer and try to drag away some of the other guys
    audience.  Contacts are meticulously made and kept; NWS sufferers seem to
    sacrifice their ego-trip for a select number of people, referred to as
    "contacts", who get them the majority of their new wares.
         An advanced "leech" will, if he has enough status, become a member
    (or, heaven forbid, even START) a user group.  (Some people refer to them
    more accurately as "LoserGroups".) This group is usually truncated to a
    three-letter acronym for an equally useless long version of the name.
    These groups represents the ultimate plateau in the complete ware-monger.
    There is only one thing better than knowing "the coolest, most awesome
    dood from the states", and that is being part of "the coolest, most
    awesome usergroup" in town.  The only good thing about the members who
    actively participate in these groups and widely publicize their
    participation (by signing all their messages, even e-mail, with the
    insignia of their awesome group; especially on software they have
    acquired, in an attempt to make people believe they "cracked" it, and also
    on any wares uploaded to AE/CatFur lines).
         Now, eventually, the people who suffer from NWS and have some amount
    of cranial capacity begin to transform.  The first sign is the down-play
    of the significance of games.  Instead, they turn to the art of placing
    their aliases on the various software packages that they own.  After they
    have mastered this, and placed their name on a sufficiently great number
    of software packages, a very few people progress to the next stage of
    computer literacy.  Some (gag) will actually begin to program (in BASIC of
    course).  A fewer number still will become "crackers" and a very minuscule
    number will become machine language programmers, leaving only bad memories
    of the "ware-monger days".  An unfortunate part of the NWS virus is that
    in some cases it directly leads to the sufferer becoming a "sysop".  Of
    course telecommunications is an excellent method of acquiring new wares.
    Because of this, some develop the idea that if they set up a BBS or
    AE/CatFur line, that new wares will come to their front door.  These
    systems are indeed to be avoided.  Fortunately, this stage eventually
    wears off, and the system goes down, allowing intelligent people to heave
    sighs of relief.

    Type C:  64-Syndrome

         These are the users who have been misled by some salesman that they
    do indeed own a computer.  They can be some of the worst losers you will


                             Humor Digest - October 90






                                  The LoserUsers
                                 Bonus Section #3

    encounter on a BBS because they are ignorant even though they don't think
    they are.
         Most C-64 users stick to C-64 BBS systems (thankfully), but those who
    venture from their own territory have a habit of terrorizing other
    systems...  Now, before I get myself into really hot water, let me tell
    you that there are exceptions...  Not ALL C-64 users are "losers" (Come
    on...  Amongst those thousands of people, SURELY there must be at least
    one?!).  There are a number of C-64 users who are ignorant, and freely
    admit it.  Others just sit back and "observe" rather than participate
    (thus becoming another type of loser, the "nondescript user"), in some
    cases fortunately for the rest of us.  Some are just out exploring and are
    in some awestruck state of mind that is consistent with a 10 year old
    getting an autograph from Mr.  T.  But it is the others that we must be
    concerned about; the C-64 owner who has been brainwashed to such a degree
    that one would think he's a KGB implant.  These people seriously believe
    not only that they own a computer, but are proud of it and even worse are
    completely convinced that their computer is "the best".
         Firstly, there's been a rumor circulating that 95% of C-64 losers
    were previous residents of mental institutes.  There is no truth to this.
    It is the direct fault of their upbringing, and thus the blame should lie
    completely with the parents (after all, if it weren't for them, we
    wouldn't have to put up with the slime...).  It is a simple fact that most
    C-64's are bought by misinformed parents of 12 year olds, the victims of
    equally ignorant salesmen.  The child, subjected to this machine in early
    stages of development seems to be vulnerable to some form of brain damage,
    especially in cases where the child was forced to justify and defend his
    machine against others.
         As these people mature, they seem intent on sticking to their opinion
    that their parents were right, and that they are the owners of an amazing
    machine.  When you know of someone like this in your community, it is
    usually a pretty simple matter to merely avoid the nuisance, and not get
    into any "deep" discussions with him.  However, when these people acquire
    "modems" for their 64, they are then lethal weapons.  These scourge plague
    decent BBS systems, and is the singly most frustrating person for a sysop
    to deal with.  Typical of their cranial capacity, it is easy to spot a 64
    Syndrome sufferer; he's the guy who posts a message "APPIL SUCK SHIT" on
    the main conference.  Why post it on the main conference when there's a
    "war" board set aside specifically for people like him?  He doesn't even
    know that it exists!  Remember that 95% of all C-64 BBSes consist of one
    general conference which includes public messages and the closest they get
    to "e-mail" messages.  Why, in perhaps the most classic case of ignorance
    with regards to multiple-conferencing, one bright C-64 user, when asked
    why he didn't post a message about a new BBS in the BBS board replies, "I
    don't know the number"...  You don't get it, do you?  I myself said
    "hunh?" a few times before I realized the truth of the situation and was
    sent onto the floor uttering peals of unbounded laughter...  Why, this
    moron actually thought that you had to phone another number to be able to
    post on that "board".  Holy shit, folks, think of the problems writing a
    quick-scan routine for a system like that would pose!
         Another excellent way of recognizing the C-64 user, is by analyzing
    what he types...  And, no, I'm not referring to the fact that nothing he
    says makes any sense, but rather that he has never heard of "uppercase
    characters".  Everything is typed in lowercase, and it's only the fact
    that most systems translate lowercase to uppercase that the guy manages to


                             Humor Digest - October 90






                                  The LoserUsers
                                 Bonus Section #3

    enter any actual commands.  Be careful though, because some lowercase-only
    users have everything appear in uppercase.  The reason for this is that,
    naturally, they cannot grasp the idea of "configuring" the BBS to their
    capabilities and thus when it asks them if they have lowercase support,
    they just hit and it assigns the default of uppercase only.
         Here's another sure-fire way of identifying a user as a C-64 user...
    Remember that on their BBSes, you post a public message by addressing a
    message to "ALL".  Well, if you spot someone in the e-mail section
    apparently trying to send someone a letter, and then see:
    BBS:   Send mail (Y/N) ?
    Loser: Y
    BBS:   Send to [First Name] ?
    Loser: ALL
    BBS:           [ Last Name] ?
    Loser: ALL
    BBS:   User: [ALL ALL] Confirm (Y/N) ?
    Loser: Y
    BBS:   Post public messages in the conferencing system, you Commie Loser!

         Also, some of these people do not understand that Apples are
    DIFFERENT from C-64's...  They seem to believe that they can download some
    Applesoft program, or some Daltoned game and expect it to run on their
    machine.
         There are no doubt some other signs of C-64 users that you will
    notice as time goes by, but the preceding are the most blatant examples,
    and as well as being a pain to the system, can also be used for comic
    relief.  More on that later.

    Type D:  The "Hacker"

         This is the idiot who tries incessantly to crash your BBS.  These
    "hackers" can attain several plateaus of achievement.  There are several
    "classic" methods of crashing BBSes, which these people seem to think
    might still work, and it is through these that you can recognize this type
    of loser.
         What follows is a list of commonly used techniques to try and crash a
    system:

    a) When the BBS asks for Usercode/Account #, the gumby will just start
       entering a continuous stream of carriage returns...  The BBS gets bored
       after awhile and hangs up.
    b) The fool will try to sign on as record #1 (Ie: Account of 1), and then
       try to "hack" the password.  A classic laugher is someone trying to use
       "M1PQ" or another password that was one of very few possible under
       Net-Works.  It's even funnier when the system isn't even running on
       Net-Works...
    c) The guy will log on as new, and try to use the name "SYSTEM OPERATOR"
       or "SYSOP" or the name of the sysop.
    d) Another technique is to log on with the name of the sysop, except to
       leave a blank as the first character of the name.
    e) Here's one that's a little more complex...  They try to hang the system
       by hitting Ctrl-S and then hanging up.
    f) Or how about this one?  The gumby calls, and as soon as it connects, he
       hangs up and calls back as quickly as possible.  He tries this over and


                             Humor Digest - October 90






                                  The LoserUsers
                                 Bonus Section #3

       over, until he finally gives up.
    g) Then, there's the infamous usage of 9E99 at various prompts...
    h) How about the fool who tries to overload memory by entering the fullest
       possible message over and over again?
    i) For those systems that used the Micromodem or APL/SSM card, there was
       the infamous Ctrl-Y feature...

         Now, of course these are just a few of the many methods these people
    will use to try and obtain access to the system.  They'll try typing in
    various different words and control characters at the password prompt, and
    the list goes on and on.
         These people have some sort of a brain disorder which leads them to
    believe that they are "great", "awesome", etc...  They couldn't possibly
    discover a new way of crashing a particular system; they merely use
    information that they've heard elsewhere.  If people would only stop
    writing "How to" g-files, we'd have a lot less losers of this type.  This
    is the same guy, who after reading a file on "How to Build a
    Thermo-Nuclear Device", actually tries to build it.  He gets snagged when
    he gets to the "weapons-grade plutonium"; his daddy doesn't work for a
    terrorist organization.  He tries to substitute lead (he thinks the
    graphite in pencils is lead) and catches shit from his folks for making a
    mess of the house.

    Type E:  The Non-descript user

         If indeed there can be a "good" loser, this is him.  It's hard to
    even notice that he exists...  The only time you become aware of all the
    non-descript users are occasions where you swear and curse and ask
    yourself, "Why does no-one ever post any messages?".  These people are the
    perfect example of a malignant tumour.  They are active users of the BBS;
    they regularly read the new material on the system, but the sysop only
    realizes that they are there when he looks at his log to find these names
    he's never heard of before.  He comes in and sees that so far he's had 35
    calls today; he quick-scans and finds two new messages, both of which were
    posted by his co-sysop.
         Frankly, what the non-descript user does is use up a record in the
    userfile and tie up the system...  that's all.  These are the same people
    who will graduate from high school, or wherever, without having any idea
    of what they want to do with their lives, and subsequently go on to be
    wealthy construction workers.

    Type F:  The Non-Sysop

         By far the most unfortunate classification of loser, and the type of
    guy who gives BBSing and sysops a bad name.  These people are solely
    responsible for turning hundreds of people off BBSing...
         But, by another token, this is the easiest person to spot, and the
    easiest to ridicule.  Now, first, lets try to establish how a Loser-sysop
    is "born"...
         Most importantly, it seems that in almost ALL cases of the
    loser-sysop, that these people were active BBS LoserUsers at the time at
    which they became "sysops".  Below are a typical series of events that
    leads to a loser wanting to become a sysop, and how to "diagnose" that
    type of BBS Loser-sysop.


                             Humor Digest - October 90






                                  The LoserUsers
                                 Bonus Section #3


    a) Joe is a type B loser; a "ware-monger".  He, being obsessed with the
    acquisition of new "warez", has come up with a brilliant new idea on how
    to obtain them, and become recognized as a "stud" at the same time...  He
    decides to put up an AE and/or CatFur line.  This way, other ware-mongers
    like himself will call, and he (being a stud) forces them to give him some
    new "amazing, totally awesome new ware" in order for them to log on (just
    to discover that he's running on one or two 140K drives with nothing on
    them).  Typically, the person also labels his system "elite" in a flagrant
    attempt to attract the larger names in ware-monging.  Of course, these
    losers also are forever in quest of having "the most AWESOME AE (and/or)
    CatFur line" in the area, but this poses a problem...  To be able to meet
    the challenge of this label, they cannot simply put up a system...  it has
    to be unique, and the only way to put up a unique system is to "do some
    mods".  (Ahem...) This can be translated as "making modifications to the
    system's program".  But, unfortunately for them, this requires
    "programming skills" of which they have none.  They then go on a search to
    find some well-known "ware-monger" who will agree to do the "mods" for
    him.
         This type of system is almost always down, as the loser-sysop is
    usually using his computer (trading with some ware-monger, or ha...
    calling other AE/CatFur lines).  The system is also down for periods of
    time while the ware-monger of the "sysop's" choice fouls up the program.
    One more excellent way to spot this type of person is to look for BBSes
    that are forever saying "We are down cuz the computers broke", or "We'll
    be down for 3 weeks 'til we get these amazing new mods done!".
         Another method of detecting this type of person is to examine the
    hardware that the system runs on.  If you spot a BBS/AE/CatFur that runs
    on two 140K drives, well, that's the classic loser-sysop.  (I mean, I've
    known two people who've put up ...ahem...  tried to put up a system on 1
    drive, but at least they were intelligent enough to realize that they
    couldn't possibly keep it up (let alone add AE) and gave up.  But the
    person who firstly runs a BBS off one drive and THEN also insists on
    running CatFur off the second drive...  Well...!  My friend, you've just
    hit the jackpot; the loser-supreme...  This person should never have found
    his way into telecommunications, or computing for that matter because
    obviously he neither has the ability to reason, nor does he understand
    basic hardware concepts.  Folks, these are the people upon whom I heap the
    most scorn...  One to three conferences, with never more than five to ten
    messages per conference, an "elite" label (he doesn't have the disk space
    for more than 20-40 users anyway), a system that gives you a system error
    4 times out of 10 when you either try to send mail or post a message, and
    then, to top it all off, a useless ware on D2, sometimes one side of a
    four-sided game (obviously the rest won't fit...).  The hearty and
    sadistic people (like me) have a field-day with these wimps...  Now, in
    keeping with my opening statement, I'm not going to mention names or
    systems but I think that those of you who closely follow the Toronto BBS
    scene know exactly where I take this information...

    b) Herbert is your typical 12 year old proud owner of a Commodore 64, and
    has seen how "awesome" modems are from the home of his best-friend.  He
    instantly sets his aim on putting up a BBS...  After several months, he
    finally has enough money to buy a "modem", and puts up his BBS.  For
    several months, the BBS serves its purpose; amongst his peers, he has


                             Humor Digest - October 90






                                  The LoserUsers
                                 Bonus Section #3

    risen to the level of a true "stud".  His being the sysop of a BBS gives
    him just about the same status as having a 16 year old, well developed and
    gorgeous "chick".  However, problems arise...  people have discovered a
    way to crash his system.  Every second day, someone crashes the system and
    erases the disk(s).  If this guy is fortunate (a 10% chance), he's heard
    of the term "backup", and he spends 15 minutes to copy his disk, and again
    all is as it was before...  But another two days pass, and again his
    system has been crashed.  After two weeks of this, it's clear that
    something must be done.  But how is his BBS being crashed?  Who would do
    such a thing?  For what reason?  Well...  the last question is simple...
    apparently, peers attach even more significance to someone who crashes
    BBSes than people who run them, especially when the sysop is a "wimp".
    The sysop tries in vain to find someone who will help him, but is
    unsuccessful.

    c) Fred is 16 years old, lives in a 6 bedroom sub-mansion, complete with a
    large outdoor pool, has two golfcarts (which are used to travel from one
    end of the backyard to the other), and a $9000 alarm system that uses
    infrared sensors and a pre-programmed robot to ward off racoons trying to
    overturn their garbage bin.  Having just turned 16, he has naturally
    persuaded his parents, after a long 45 minute argument, to buy him a
    Ferrari.  Then, on the third floor, one of the unused bedrooms has been
    converted into the "computer study".  The 10'x18' room features three
    filing cabinets, all empty but they give the room "atmosphere", as well as
    three large desks.  On the first is a "fully loaded" Apple system...  A
    //e, complete with DuoDisk, RGB monitor, ImageWriter, Thunderclock, a
    1.5Mb RamWorks card, Syntauri music system, and graphics tablet.
    Fortunately, he still has $6000 over his parentally imposed $20000 minimum
    in his bank account, still has $300 left from this months allowance, and
    Christmas is fast approaching...  People at his school have become bored
    of his farfetched tales of the things he's accomplished with his computer.
    "So...  U never busted inta Pentagon before and got your uncles credit
    card number..." This puts him to thinking, and before you can say "loser"
    (and I don't know about you, but it takes me about 3/10ths of a second...)
    he's bought a Courier 2400 modem.  With this new-found toy, he proceeds to
    generate tales of his "hacking" prowess...  Soon he's progressed to tales
    of phreaking...  Of course, he doesn't actually know anything about either
    of the two subjects (he's the loser I talked about earlier; you know, the
    guy who calls systems and tries to gain access by typing in "BIG TITS" at
    the password prompt...).  Soon he is bored of this but wait!  Santa Claus
    is coming next week, and his parents are in a quandary.  In years past,
    they were always able to take Fred to the local shopping mall to see Santa
    and then find out what he'd asked for...  Last year he had gotten the 42"
    projection TV with a top-of-the-line VCR, and TV camera/film-making
    system.  The year before it had been the 400 Watts per channel stereo
    system.  But this year, the parents resorted to hiring a private detective
    at $3000/day to discover what Fred wanted.  Well, the private eye had
    quite a task ahead of him...  He walked up to Fred and asked "Well son,
    what do you want for Christmas this year?", to which Fred replies, "Tell
    mom I want a hard drive".  And thus the deed is done...  come the morning
    of the 25th, under the tree is a large-sized package that could only be
    one thing...  "Wow!  A Corvus 45Mb hard drive!  Freak me out.
    Amazing...!" December 26th, his BBS went up...  Instantly gaining a
    reputation from some of being the most "amazing" board around, it quickly


                             Humor Digest - October 90






                                  The LoserUsers
                                 Bonus Section #3

    gained users.  Fred quickly moved to find someone amongst his users who
    could program, and quickly recruited him to make "mods" for the BBS, with
    the promise of many great wares and being made a "co-sysop" in return.
    Thus starts the transformation of a run-of-the-mill BBS program into
    something that is laden with bugs.  Now, unfortunately for Fred, the real
    programmers out there don't fall for people like him, and thus the person
    who is now his co-sysop is not only a loser, but fully incapable of
    anything but the simplest programming changes (ie:  print statements).
    The end result is a sysop who believes that he is "an awesome dude", and
    has simply the best BBS in the city, and goes out of his way to let
    everyone else know about it.  He usually persuades a few other people to
    phone every other system in the city to post messages about his amazing
    system, telling people, "Hang up RIGHT NOW!!!  And call this AMAZING new
    BBS!!!".  The system ends up with 50 to 100 (or more?!) conferences, of
    which 80% have never even been logged to, much less had a message posted
    there.  The system has some 30-50 volumes available for an AE up/download
    system, and another 30 volumes for "g-files".  The sysop is arrogant,
    validates users once a month, will validate anyone who doesn't leave a
    name of "Brian Mulrooney" and immediately sends mail to anyone who logs on
    with a female name (these are the only users ever "voice" validated...
    The system is regularly down, as Fred's inept programmer attempts to make
    yet another "awesome mod".
         The only thing to be relieved about is that a system such as this
    attracts losers as shit attracts flies.  During times when the BBS is up,
    it acts as a drawing card for losers, and leaves one less loser to call
    the other systems in the area.  But, of course, these things cannot go on
    forever...  eventually Fred will get bored, just as he did with his
    remote-controlled missile carrying chopper two years ago...  The system
    will eventually die, but in the meantime, it augments the BBS society by
    being a loser-trap; I only feel sorry for the poor sod who calls, thinking
    that he will find a decent BBS with intelligent users and much
    information...  He is about to be subjected to the loser-sysop.
         There are, of course, many other types of loser-sysops, none of which
    deserve lengthy mention here...  There is, naturally, the sysop who is
    incapable of spelling three consecutive words correctly, the sysop who has
    no idea of what grammar or punctuation is used for, the sysop who sets up
    a system at completely odd hours (Tuesdays and Thursdays 4pm - 8pm, and
    Fridays 6pm - 11pm) and where, when the BBS is up, every time a call comes
    in its a race between the sister and the modem to see who answers it
    first...  Then there's the classic sysop who runs an unmodified program
    such as NetWorks, Nexus, TeleCat or GBBS.  There's the sysop who is
    seemingly never there; he never is around to chat, deletes his mail
    without replying, doesn't delete old messages, never changes log-on
    messages, g-files, news files, and other dust-gathering files on his disk,
    and doesn't even notice that his disk has been full for the last week.
    There's the sysop who takes his phone off the hook while using his
    computer, so that people will think that its just "busy".  There's the
    sysop who brags of getting 2400 baud, a hard drive and various other
    things.  There's the sysop who forces his users to conform to his every
    wish, and the sysop who cannot take constructive criticism.  There's the
    sysop who uses a fake name on his own BBS which he uses to send hate mail
    to those he doesn't like....  And there are others still; new breeds of
    the loser-sysop are being discovered almost every day.



                             Humor Digest - October 90






                                  The LoserUsers
                                 Bonus Section #3

    Part 3:  How to deal with LoserUsers

         Each type of loser must be dealt with differently.  Of course, in
    some cases you must take into account the personality of the individual in
    coming up with a suitable course of action.  Telling a loser "Fuck off,
    asshole" isn't necessarily ALWAYS the best way; in fact, the key is not to
    show frustration.  In some cases, that show of frustration is exactly what
    they were after.  (These are the people for whom the term "asshole" is
    most appropriate, but life is tough sometimes, and this is precisely the
    person you shouldn't call an asshole...  Just make him feel like an
    asshole.) Dealing with a loser can be hilarious, it can be frustrating, or
    it can be tragic; it all depends on how you approach things.  So,
    hopefully what follows will give you a few pointers on how to deal (and
    cope) with the various types of losers.

    Type A:  The BBS Loser

    - Realize that the guy has no brain capacity whatsoever and lead him into
      a contradiction of what he himself has said.  Then conclude that he is a
      loser and log him off.  If he has an explanation, he'll be back, and
      he's NOT a loser, he'll be understanding.  If the guy then begins to
      bother you more consistently, delete him and announce your case to some
      other sysops.  After that, the only satisfaction (and laughs) you'll get
      out of the guy is to relate your tales of his actions to other sysops.
      More than likely, you'll find that you're not the only one who has been
      plagued by the slime.
    - Unless you're sure that someone is "pretending" to not understand
      something, be patient after awhile...  After all, there are more and
      more people out there buying modems every day.  If the guy doesn't
      understand something that's obvious, tell him once...  If you have to
      tell him twice, tell him "Think of this as a learning experience.  This
      is how you use the BBS..." and then promptly hang up on the guy.  If you
      notice that this causes people to call back, you'll find that leaving
      the phone off-hook for 10-15 mins afterwards usually ensures that the
      next call won't be the same useless fool.
    - If a guy can't read and is obviously of the age 12 or thereabouts, the
      best thing to do is ignore the guy.  If he posts a gay message, delete
      it.  If you heap sarcasm on him, he won't understand (he may actually
      think you are complimenting him, and then think that you are a "cool
      dood").  If you just call him names, he'll probably just start bothering
      you more.  There is absolutely no satisfaction in criticizing someone
      who can't understand the critique, so leave him be; eventually he'll
      crawl back into the hole he crawled out of...  For a particular
      nauseating person, arrange "problems" with his password from time to
      time.
    - If some gumby uses a gay phone-number when he logs on, just log him
      off.  This includes the homosexuals who use numbers like 967-1111.
    - Above all, if you have the chance, modify your BBS program so that every
      user has a "loser" flag in his record, and further modify your program
      so that it will always tell a loser that the sysop is not available.
      NEVER print a message at log-on announcing that the sysop is available
      for these people.  Avoid flipping your lid after the shithead has tried
      to "C)hat" 10 times in a row, being told each time that the sysop is not
      available...  Flipping your lid usually causes you to break into chat,


                             Humor Digest - October 90






                                  The LoserUsers
                                 Bonus Section #3

      which is what he wants and what you're trying to avoid.  If you're
      finding it hard to contain yourself, leave the computer for 10-15 mins
      and do something else, like watching TV or some other similarly useless
      activity.

    Type B: The Leech

    - The worst problem with these losers pops up if you run an AE/CatFur.
      The guy will call every hour or two to see if there's something new on
      the wares-line.  The best way to combat this type of person is to limit
      the number of times (say per week) that a user may go to the AE line, or
      even better, impose a weekly time-limit.
    - The only other problem you're likely to have is their constant posting
      of "wares" messages, and the incredible amount of e-mail they send to
      fellow ware-mongers.  The best thing to do is delete the messages.  9
      times out of 10 the guy won't even notice that his messages are missing
      and he never gets any replies from his e-mail (he probably wouldn't
      anyway).

    Type C: 64-Syndrome

    - The easiest way of staying clear of this type of loser is to prejudice
      yourself against all users of several computer types.  However, there
      ARE people (even C-64 owners) who are intelligent and worthy of your
      respect.
    - The recommended way of dealing with these losers is a technique called,
      "identify and crucify".  If a C-64 user hasn't started a "war", posted a
      number of useless messages, etc, then leave him be.  As soon as he does
      so, you have an excuse to arrange an accident in the area of the disk
      that holds his password.

    Type D: The "hacker"

    - These are the guys you just laugh at....  For guys who like logging on
      under a sysop's name, breaking into chat and saying, "Hi loser.  How's
      it going?" can be useful...  Or perhaps "Have fun, loser"...  Usually
      they hang up.  If not, it's probably a friend trying to be funny.
    - If a guy is stupid enough to try hacking while in the BBS, and under his
      own identity, well, he should receive your full scorn.  Sarcasm and
      laughter are your best weapons.  Remember that a hacker is trying to be
      a "cool dude", and laughing at him is a widely-accepted signal that you
      are a failure...  And if there's anything the hacker can't stand, it's
      being a failure (probably because he has been a failure throughout his
      life).
    - What's particularly infuriating to the hacker are situations where he's
      been kicked off a BBS, and calls back under another name and is almost
      instantly chatted by the sysop saying...  "So you're back again so soon
      eh?  Treat some other system to your presence you awesome dood..." and
      then remove him from the system...
    - Perhaps the best weapon against these neanderthals is to pass along word
      of their activities to other sysops and users alike.  It makes for a
      humorous conversation piece, and destroys any credibility the guy might
      have had left.



                             Humor Digest - October 90






                                  The LoserUsers
                                 Bonus Section #3

    Type E: The Non-descript user

    - Here, it is best to be tolerant.  Eventually, these people get bored
      and are never heard from again.  After all, they never DO anything on
      the BBS except for look at the main menu, and maybe a quick-scan...  In
      most cases, they'll call about 20 times and then fade off into the
      sunset.
    - Another method which has been tried here and there is to include a
      "posting regulation" in the rules of the BBS (ie: post 1 message/month
      or lose your password).  Historically, this method doesn't do what it's
      intended to do, which is to scare people into posting messages.  If it
      worked, in fact, the system could very well be inundated with useless
      messages from these people; if the person has nothing to say, but posts
      a message because he's essentially FORCED to do so, what are the chances
      it's going to be an intelligent message?  Not very high...  However, you
      can use such a rule to justify the deletion of people.  In most cases
      the people will call, discover that their password doesn't work, and
      will never call again.

    Type F: The Non-Sysop

    - These losers are quite frequently also "hackers" and if this is found to
      be the case, you should treat him as such.  In addition, criticizing his
      BBS can also be useful.
    - Usually, the problem with these people is that they are forever posting
      stupid messages on every "BBS News" conference in town to call their
      "amazing" BBS, etc...  The best thing to do is to delete these messages
      whenever encountered.  Most importantly, it is your responsibility as a
      sysop to be sure that these slime do not get access to special "sysop"
      conferences, where it's not unusual to find anecdotes of the losers
      stupidity.

    Summary:

         It is impossible to properly cover all aspects of the LoserUser;
    there are so many different manifestations, you might as well make it your
    sole aim to become the chief executive officer of Apple.  However, there
    are a few points which are helpful to remember when publicizing your BBS.
    Remember that losers don't just appear; they are (as gross as this sounds)
    actually _attracted_ to your system.

    a) Publicize your system only on mature systems.  If you leave messages
       about your BBS on boards who are best known for their "war board", you
       can only expect to gain losers as a result.
    b) Do not have your number displayed in "prominent" magazines such as
       Computing Now and Toronto Computes.  Mention here usually brings you as
       many "losers" as intelligent users, and more likely than not, the
       majority are losers.
    c) Remember that the best publicity for a BBS is word-of-mouth.  If your
       system is good, people will find out about it.
    d) It is a good idea to NOT allow new users to simply log on.  Some
       techniques include making them answer a questionnaire, making them mail
       in requests for a password, or just allowing them to leave their name
       and number and perhaps a piece of feedback explaining who they are,


                             Humor Digest - October 90






                                  The LoserUsers
                                 Bonus Section #3

       etc.  Allowing people to log on as new and instantly have access to
       several features is just begging for losers to log on.

         Well folks, that's about it.  I've said my peace, but I don't rule
    out "sequels" to this file.  I leave you with a parting shot...  It is
    nearing Christmas, a time at which students everywhere are fairly bored...
    On the 25th, a pile of people will be getting modems...  That means more
    users (and losers) for our BBSes.  Also, it invariably means some new BBS
    systems will go up on Dec 26th...  You know, all those "Freds" whose
    mommies bought 45Mb hard drives...  so be on the lookout for them.
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------













































                             Humor Digest - October 90





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