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A Huge List Of One Liners



                             A Huge List Of One Liners
                                 Bonus Section #2

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------
         A long list of high-quality one-line humorous sayings collected for
    years from all over.

    * "Breakfast sometime?" "Sure." "Shall I call you, or just nudge you?"
    * "Define UNIVERSE; give two examples." "The perceived world; 1) mine,
      2) yours."
    * "Have you lived here all your life?" "Oh, twice that long."
    * ...all the modern inconveniences...  -- Mark Twain
    * 28.35 grams of prevention are worth 0.45359 kilograms of cure.
    * 355/113 -- Not the famous irrational number pi, but an incredible
      simulation.
    * A Renaissance man diffuses to refine himself.  -- Steve Hug
    * A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.
    * A University without students is like an ointment without a fly.
      -- Ed Nather
    * A backscratcher will always find new itches.  -- Gomme
    * A billion here, a billion there; soon you're talking real money.
      -- Sen.  Dirksen
    * A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.
    * A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
    * A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
    * A boss with no humor is like a job that's no fun.
    * A cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.
      -- Mark Twain
    * A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness.
    * A committee is an animal with at least six legs, and no brain.
      -- Heinlein
    * A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
    * A couple of months in the lab can often save a couple of hours in the
      library.
    * A crisis is when you can't say, "Let's just forget the whole thing."
      -- Ferguson
    * A day without fusion is like a day without sunshine.
    * A day without orange juice is like a day without orange juice.
    * A dean is to a faculty as a hydrant is to a dog.  -- Alfred Kahn
    * A fail-safe circuit will destroy others.  -- Klipstein
    * A general leading the State Department resembles a dragon commanding
      ducks.
    * A good scapegoat is hard to find.
    * A harp is a nude piano.
    * A helicopter is just a bunch of parts flying in close formation.
    * A homeowner's reach should exceed her grasp, or what's a weekend for?
    * A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance from Mom.
    * A kid'll eat the middle of an Oreo, eventually.
    * A king's castle is his home.
    * A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
    * A lot of people are afraid of heights.  Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
      -- Wright
    * A man who fishes for marlin in ponds will put his money in Etruscan
      bonds.
    * A man who turns green has eschewed protein.
    * A man without a woman is like a fish without gills.
    * A motion to adjourn is always in order.


                            Humor Digest - September 90






                             A Huge List Of One Liners
                                 Bonus Section #2

    * A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.
      -- Wilcox
    * A penny saved has not been spent.
    * A penny saved is ridiculous.
    * A pessimist is a married optimist.
    * A poet who reads his verse in public might have other nasty habits.
    * A quarter ounce of chocolate equals four pounds of fat.
    * A rolling stone gathers momentum.
    * A sadist is a masochist who follows the Golden Rule.
    * A sentence is worth a thousand words.
    * A sine curve goes off to infinity or at least the end of the
      blackboard.
    * A sinking ship gathers no moss.  -- Donald Kaul
    * A small town that cannot support one lawyer can always support two.
    * A soft drink turneth away company.
    * A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an
      exam.
    * A successful American spends more supporting the government than a
      family.
    * A theorist right once in ten is a hero; an observer wrong that often is
      a bum.
    * A theory is better than its explanation.  -- Woodward
    * A truly wise person never plays leapfrog with a Unicorn.
    * A verbal contract isn't worth the paper its printed on.
      -- Samuel Goldwyn
    * A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.
    * A waist is a terrible thing to mind.  -- Ziggy
    * A watched clock never boils.  -- Tom Weller
    * A wedding is a funeral where a man smells his own flowers.
    * A young child is a noise with dirt on it.
    * Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
    * About all some men accomplish in life is to send a son to Harvard.
    * About the only thing on a farm that has an easy time is the dog.
    * About when we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
      -- Hoover
    * Absence makes the heart go wander.
    * Absolutum obsoletum.  (If it works, it is out of date.)
      -- Stafford Beer
    * Academy: A modern school where football is taught.
    * Accident: When presence of mind is good, but absence of body is
      better.
    * According to the official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally
      worthless.
    * Acting: An art that consists of keeping the audience from coughing.
    * Actors will happen in the best-regulated families.
    * Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to
      ourselves.
    * Adult: A person that has stopped growing at both ends but not in the
      middle.
    * Adult: One old enough to know better.
    * Adultery: Putting yourself in someone else's position.
    * Advanced design: Upper management doesn't understand it.
    * Adventure is a sign of incompetence.  -- Amundsen
    * After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.


                            Humor Digest - September 90






                             A Huge List Of One Liners
                                 Bonus Section #2

      -- Olmstead
    * After painting the town red, take a rest before applying a second
      coat.
    * Afterism: A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too
      late.  -- Thom
    * Afternoon very favorable for romance.  Try a single person for a
      change.
    * Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.
    * Air is water with holes in it.
    * Air travel: Breakfast in London, dinner in New York, luggage in
      Brazil.
    * Alcoholic: Someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.
    * Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall, aleph-null bottles of beer...
    * Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.
    * Alimony is the high cost of leaving.
    * All I ask is the chance to prove that money cannot make me happy.
      -- Lauris
    * All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.
      -- Brilliant
    * All generalizations are useless, including this one.
    * All my friends and I are crazy.  That's the only thing that keeps us
      sane.
    * All my life I wanted to be someone; I should have been more specific.
      -- Wagner
    * All new: Parts not interchangeable with previous model.
    * All people are born alike -- except Republicans and Democrats.
      -- Groucho Marx
    * All probabilities are really 50%.  Either a thing will happen or it
      won't.
    * All signs in Metric for the next 20 miles.  -- a sign in Ohio
    * All syllogisms have three parts; therefore this is not a syllogism.
    * All that glitters has a high refractive index.
    * All the good ones are taken.  -- Harris
    * All the men on my staff can type.  -- Bella Abzug
    * All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.
      -- O'Casey
    * All things are possible, except skiing thru a revolving door.
    * All trails have more uphill sections than they have downhill sections.
    * All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
    * Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid
      back.
    * Always leave room to add an explanation if it doesn't work out.
    * Always remember that you are unique.  Just like everyone else.
    * Always take both skis off before hanging them up.
    * Am I in charge here?...  No, but I'm full of ideas.  -- Dr.  Who
    * Ambiguity: Telling the truth when you don't mean to.
    * Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
      -- McCarthy
    * Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.
    * Amoebit: Amoeba/rabbit cross; it can multiply and divide at the same
      time.
    * Among economists, the real world is often a special case.  -- Horngren
    * An apple a day keeps the doctor away...  if it is aimed well.
    * An apple a day makes 365 apples a year.  -- Tom Weller


                            Humor Digest - September 90






                             A Huge List Of One Liners
                                 Bonus Section #2

    * An apple every eight hours keeps three doctors away.
    * An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
    * An example of hard water is ice.
    * An idle mind is worth two in the bush.
    * An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.
    * An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction.
    * An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.  -- Van Roy
    * Antonym: The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.
    * Any country with "democratic" in the title isn't.  -- Murray
    * Any landing you can walk away from is a good one.
    * Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.  -- Malek
    * Any smoothly functioning technology is indistinguishable from a "rigged"
      demo.
    * Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours.
      -- Holmes
    * Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
    * Anyone can make an omelet with eggs.  The trick is to make one with
      none.
    * Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
      -- Goldwyn
    * Anyone who makes an absolute statement is a fool.
    * Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.
      -- Pardo
    * Apart from the unknowns, everything is obvious.  -- James Hogan
    * Appearances are not everything; it just looks like they are.
    * Aquadextrous: Able to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your
      toes.
    * Arguments with furniture are rarely productive.
    * Arithmetic: Counting to twenty without taking off your shoes.
      -- Mickey Mouse
    * Art is anything you can get away with.  -- Marshall McLuhan
    * As God is my witness, Andy, I thought that turkeys could fly.  -- WKRP
    * As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?
    * Ask not for whom the bell tolls, and pay only station-to-station
      rates.
    * At these prices, I lose money -- but I make it up in volume.
      -- Peter Alaquon
    * Auditors always reject expense accounts with a bottom line divisible by
      five.
    * Authority: A person who can tell you more than you really care to
      know.
    * Automobile: A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down
      pedestrians.
    * Babies can't walk because their legs aren't long enough to reach the
      ground.
    * Bachelor: A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free.
    * Bachelor: A man who never made the same mistake once.
    * Bachelor: A selfish guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce.
      -- Quinn
    * Ban the bomb.  Save the world for conventional warfare.
    * Banectomy: The removal of bruises on a banana.  -- Rich Hall
    * Be a better psychiatrist and the world will beat a psychopath to your
      door.
    * Be careful of reading health books; you might die of a misprint.


                            Humor Digest - September 90






                             A Huge List Of One Liners
                                 Bonus Section #2

      -- Mark Twain
    * Be content with what you've got, but be sure you've got plenty.
    * Beam me up, Scotty.  There's no intelligent life down here.
      -- James Kirk
    * Begathon: A multi-day event on public television, used to raise money.
      -- Hall
    * Behaviorism is the art of pulling habits out of rats.  -- O'Neill
    * Behold the warranty: The bold print giveth, and the fine print taketh
      away.
    * Being a good communicator means people find out what's really wrong
      with you.
    * Being a woman is quite difficult since it consists mainly of dealing
      with men.
    * Being popular is important.  Otherwise people might not like you.
    * Best gift for the person who has everything: A burglar alarm.
    * Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
      -- Mae West
    * Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie.
    * Beware of a tall dark man with a spoon up his nose.
    * Bigamy is having one spouse too many.  Monogamy is the same.
    * Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday
      night.
    * Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the Earth.
    * Blessed are the young for they shall inherit the national debt.
    * Blessed are they that run around in circles, for they shall be known as
      wheels.
    * Bore: A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
    * Bore: He who talks so much about himself that you can't talk about
      yourself.
    * Bore: Wraps up a two-minute idea in a two-hour vocabulary.  -- Winchell
    * Brain: The apparatus with which we think that we think.
      -- Ambrose Bierce
    * Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
    * Broad-mindedness: The result of flattening high-mindedness out.
    * Budget: A method of worrying before you spend money, as well as
      afterward.
    * Bureaucrat: A person who cuts red tape sideways.  -- J.  McCabe
    * Bureaucrat: A politician with tenure.
    * Business will be either better or worse.  -- Calvin Coolidge
    * But officer, I stopped for the last one, and it was green!
    * By the time you have the right answers, no one is asking you
      questions.
    * California is proud to be the home of the freeway.  -- Ronald Reagan
    * Calling a person a runner-up is a polite way of saying they lost.
    * Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.
    * Charity: A thing that begins at home and usually stays there.
    * Charm: A way of getting a "yes" -- without having asked any clear
      question.
    * Chastity: The most unnatural of the sexual perversions.
      -- Aldous Huxley
    * Chemicals: Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.
    * Children act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good
      manners.
    * Cinemuck: Popcorn, soda, and candy that covers the floors of movie


                            Humor Digest - September 90






                             A Huge List Of One Liners
                                 Bonus Section #2

      theaters.
    * Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
    * College: The fountains of knowledge, where everyone goes to drink.
    * Colorless green ideas sleep furiously.
    * Commitment is the daily triumph of integrity over skepticism.
    * Commitment: Making time when there is none.
    * Common sense: The collection of prejudices acquired by age 18.
      -- Einstein
    * Concept: Any "idea" for which an outside consultant bills more than
      $25,000.
    * Confidence: The feeling you have before you understand the situation.
    * Confucius say too much.  -- recent Chinese proverb
    * Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends.
      -- H.  L.  Mencken
    * Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking.
      -- Mencken
    * Conscience: The inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking.
      -- Mencken
    * Conscience: The thing that hurts when everything else feels great.
    * Conscious is being aware of something; conscience is wishing you
      weren't.
    * Conservative: A Liberal who has just been mugged.
    * Conservative: A person who believes nothing should be done for the
      first time.
    * Conservative: One who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.
    * Consider what might be fertilizing the greener grass across the fence.
    * Consultant: Someone who knowns 101 ways to make love, but can't get a
      date.
    * Consultation: Medical term meaning "to share the wealth."
    * Continental Life.  Why do you ask?
    * Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.
    * Could you be a poster child for retroactive birth control?
    * Courage: Two cannibals having oral sex.
    * Coward: One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
      -- Bierce
    * Crazee Edeee, his prices are INSANE!!!
    * Crime does not pay...  as well as politics.  -- A.  E.  Newman
    * Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
      -- Steve Wright
    * Cynic: A person searching for an honest man, with a stolen lantern.
      -- Shoaff
    * Cynic: A person who tells you the truth about your own motives.
      -- Russel Green
    * Dare to be average.
    * Dark dirt is attracted to light objects, and dark dirt to light
      objects.
    * Death and taxes are inevitable; at least death doesn't get worse every
      year.
    * Death has been proven to be 99% fatal to laboratory rats.
    * Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.
    * Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.  -- R.  Geis
    * Death is the greatest kick of all.  That's why they save it for last.
    * Death: To stop sinning suddenly.  -- Elbert Hubbard
    * Deliberation: Examining one's bread to determine which side it is


                            Humor Digest - September 90






                             A Huge List Of One Liners
                                 Bonus Section #2

      buttered on.
    * Democracy: The worship of Jackals by Jackasses.  -- H.  L.  Mencken
    * Dentists are incapable of asking questions that need a simple yes or no
      answer.
    * Design simplicity: Developed on a shoe-string budget.
    * Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines on them and makes them
      perspire.
    * Diplomacy: The art of letting someone else have your way.
    * Diplomacy: The art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
    * Diplomat: A man who can convince his wife she would look stout in a fur
      coat.
    * Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
    * Distinctive: A different color or shape than our competitors.
    * Do YOU have redeeming social value?
    * Do married people live longer, or does it just seem that way?
    * Do not merely believe in miracles; rely on them.  -- Finagle
    * Do not underestimate the power of the Force.
    * Does the name "Pavlov" ring a bell?
    * Don't be fooled by his twinkling eyes; it's the sun shining between his
      ears.
    * Don't be humble...  you're not that great.  -- Golda Meir
    * Don't create a problem for which you do not have the answer.  -- Burke
    * Don't eat the yellow snow.
    * Don't force it, get a larger hammer.  -- Anthony
    * Don't get even -- get odd!
    * Don't get stuck in a closet; wear yourself out.
    * Don't give someone a piece of your mind unless you can afford it.
    * Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.  -- Scottish Proverb
    * Don't mind him; politicians always sound like that.
    * Don't say yes until I finish talking.  -- Darryl Zanuck
    * Don't screw up the punch line -- Rick & Owen
    * Don't take life too seriously; you won't get out of it alive.
      -- Hubbard
    * Don't tax you, don't tax me, tax that fellow behind the tree.
      -- Russell Long
    * Don't undertake vast projects with half-vast ideas.
    * Don't use no double negatives, not never.
    * Don't worry; the brontosaurus is slow, stupid, and placid.
    * Don't you have anything more useful you could be doing?
    * Down with the categorical imperative!
    * Drive carefully.  We're overstocked.  -- Sign in junkyard
    * Driving in the snow is a spectator sport.
    * Drug: A substance that, when injected into a rat, produces a scientific
      paper.
    * Drugs are the scenic route to nowhere.
    * Ducks?  What ducks??
    * Due to a mixup in Urology, orange juice will not be served this
      morning.
    * Dying is easy.  Comedy is difficult.
    * Early to rise and early to bed makes a man healthy and wealthy and
      dead.
    * Earth Destroyed by Solar Flare -- Film at eleven.
    * Earth is a great funhouse without the fun.  -- Jeff Berner
    * Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you


                            Humor Digest - September 90






                             A Huge List Of One Liners
                                 Bonus Section #2

      that day.
    * Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow it might be illegal.
    * Education helps earning capacity.  Ask any college professor.
    * Eeny, Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak...
    * Egotism: Doing a crossword puzzle with a pen.
    * Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average
      drivers.
    * Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped.  -- Groucho Marx's last words
    * Either that wallpaper goes, or I do.  -- Oscar Wilde's last words
    * Elbonics: Two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theatre.
    * Elections come and go, but politics are always with us.
    * Electricity comes from electrons; morality comes from morons.
    * Eloquence is logic on fire.
    * Engineers...  they love to change things.  -- Leonard McCoy MD
    * Enjoy life; you could have been a barnacle.
    * Eschew obfuscation.
    * Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
      -- Woody Allen
    * Every cloud has a silver lining; you should have sold it, and bought
      titanium.
    * Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for
      it.
    * Every silver lining has a cloud around it.
    * Everyone else my age is an adult, whereas I am merely in disguise.
      -- Atwood
    * Everyone is a genius.  It's just that some people are too stupid to
      realize it.
    * Everyone needs belief in something.  I believe I'll have another beer.
    * Everything in moderation, including moderation.
    * Everything is actually everything else, just recycled.
    * Everything is always done for the wrong reasons.  -- O'Brian
    * Everything put together falls apart sooner or later.  -- Simon
    * Everything worthwhile is mandatory, prohibited, or taxed.
    * Everything you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out.
    * Excellent day to have a rotten day.
    * Exceptions prove the rule, and wreck the budget.  -- Miller
    * Exclusive: We're the only ones who have the documentation.
    * Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do
      the work.
    * Exercise extends your life ten years, but you spend 15 of them doing
      it.
    * Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment ruined.
      -- Horner
    * Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
      -- Olivier
    * Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old
      ones.
    * Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
    * Experiments should be reproducible.  They should all fail the same
      way.
    * Familiarity breeds attempt.
    * Familiarity breeds children.
    * Famous last words: Don't worry, I can handle it.
    * Fanatic: Someone who, having lost sight of his goal, redoubles his


                            Humor Digest - September 90






                             A Huge List Of One Liners
                                 Bonus Section #2

      efforts.
    * Fashion: A form of ugliness so intolerable that it changes every six
      months.
    * Fast, Cheap, Good: Choose any two.
    * Federal Reserve: A reserve where federal employees hunt wild game.
    * Fenderberg: Deposit that forms on the inside of a car fender after a
      snowstorm.
    * Fidelity: A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.
    * Field tested: Manufacturing doesn't have a test system.
    * Fill what's empty; empty what's full; scratch where it itches.
      -- Longworth
    * Fine day for friends.  So-so day for you.
    * Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity.
      -- Robert Firth
    * Flying is the second greatest experience known to man.  Landing is the
      first.
    * Foolproof operation: No provision for adjustment.
    * Fools rush in -- and get the best seats in the house.
    * Football, like religion, brings out the best in people.
      -- Larry Chapman
    * For a good time, call 555-3100.
    * For adult education, nothing beats children.
    * For every action, there is a corresponding over-reaction.
      -- Anthony Battista
    * For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
      -- Harrison
    * For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
      -- Main
    * For people who like that kind of book, that is the kind of book they
      will like.
    * For some reason, this statement reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz.
    * For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they
      like.
    * Forms follow function, and often obliterate it.
    * Fortune favors the lucky.  -- Tom Weller
    * Fossil flowers come from the Petrified Florist.
    * Four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and
      praiseworthy...
    * Four wheel drive: Lets you get more stuck, further from help.
    * Friends: People who borrow my books and set wet glasses on them.
    * Friends: People who know you well, but like you anyway.
    * Furbling: Walking a maze of ropes even when you are the only person in
      line.
    * Genderplex: Trying to determine from the cutesy pictures which restroom
      to use.
    * Generally you don't see that kind of behavior in a major appliance.
      -- Murray
    * Genetics: Why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you
      should.
    * Genius is the infinite capacity for picking brains.
    * Genius: A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with
      "bright".
    * Give a skeptic an inch and he'll measure it.
    * Give me a lever long enough, and a place to stand, and I'll break my


                            Humor Digest - September 90






                             A Huge List Of One Liners
                                 Bonus Section #2

      lever.
    * Give me a sleeping pill and tell me your troubles.
    * Give me chastity and continence, but not just now.  -- St.  Augustine
    * Give your very best today.  Heaven knows it is little enough.
    * Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause of
      pregnancy.
    * Gleemites: Petrified deposits of toothpaste found in sinks.
    * Go away.  I'm all right.  -- last words of H.  G.  Wells
    * Go directly to jail.  Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.
    * Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.  -- Mark Twain
    * God don't make mistakes.  That's how He got to be God.
      -- Archie Bunker
    * God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends.
    * God is a polythiest.
    * God is not dead.  He is alive and autographing Bibles at Cody's!
    * God is not dead.  He is alive and working on a much less ambitious
      project.
    * God is not dead.  He just couldn't find a parking place.
    * God made everything out of nothing, but the nothingness shows through.
    * God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.
    * God, I ask for patience -- and I want it right now!
    * Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
    * Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad
      example.
    * Good day for a change of scene.  Repaper the bedroom wall.
    * Good-bye.  I am leaving because I am bored.  -- George Saunders's last
      words
    * Government expands to absorb all available revenue and then some.
      -- Wiker
    * Graft: An illegal means of uniting trees to make money.
    * Grasshoppotamus: A creature that can leap to tremendous heights...
      once.
    * Gravity: What you get when you eat too much and too fast.
    * Great minds run in great circles.
    * Group IQ: Lowest IQ of any member divided by the number of people in
      the group.
    * Grub first, then ethics.  -- Bertolt Brecht
    * HELP!  MY TYPEWRITER IS BROKEN!  -- E.  E.  CUMMINGS
    * Had there been an actual emergency, you would no longer be here.
    * Hailing frequencies open, Captain.
    * Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English.  He was rather
      large.
    * Hangover: The wrath of grapes.
    * Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.  -- Ogden Nash
    * Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
    * Have an adequate day.
    * Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your
      brain.
    * Having children will turn you into your parents.
    * He has the heart of a little child...  it's in a jar on his desk.
    * He is considered a most graceful speaker who can say nothing in the
      most words.
    * He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides.
    * He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.


                            Humor Digest - September 90






                             A Huge List Of One Liners
                                 Bonus Section #2

    * He who dies with the most toys, wins.
    * He who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish last.
    * He who hesitates is a damned fool.  -- Mae West
    * He who invents adages to peruse takes along rowboat when going on
      cruise.
    * He who is content with his lot probably has a lot.
    * He who is still laughing hasn't yet heard the bad news.
      -- Bertolt Brecht
    * He who laughs last didn't get the joke.
    * He who shouts the loudest has the floor.  -- Swipple
    * He who speak with forked tongue, not need chopsticks.
      -- Chinese proverb
    * He who spends a storm beneath a tree, takes life with a grain of TNT.
    * Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
    * Heat expands: In the summer the days are longer.
    * Heisenberg might have been here.
    * Help stamp out and abolish redundancy.
    * History chronicles the small portion of the past that was suitable for
      print.
    * History does not repeat itself; historians merely repeat each other.
    * Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
    * Honeymoon: A short period of doting between dating and debting.
      -- Ray Bandy
    * Honk if you love peace and quiet.
    * How can you govern a nation which has 246 kinds of cheese?
      -- Charles de Gaulle
    * How do they get all those little metal bits on a zipper to line up so
      well?
    * How do you make an elephant float?  Two scoops of elephant and some
      rootbeer...
    * How long is a minute depends on which side of the bathroom door you are
      on.
    * How long should a man's legs be?  Long enough to reach the ground.
      -- Lincoln
    * How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?  All you can
      afford.
    * How many weeks are there in a light year?
    * How much sin can you get away with and still go to heaven?
    * How sharper than a hound's tooth it is to have a thankless serpent.
    * How to regain your virginity: Reverse the process until it returns.
    * How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
    * Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill.
    * Humor is the best antidote to reality.
    * I am a Hollywood writer, so I put on a sports jacket and take off my
      brain.
    * I am a Libra.  Libras don't believe in astrology.  -- Al Hibbs
    * I am a creationist; I refuse to believe that I could have evolved from
      humans.
    * I am dying beyond my means.  -- Oscar Wilde's last words, sipping
      champagne
    * I am not a crook.  -- Richard Nixon
    * I am not a lovable man.  -- Richard Nixon.
    * I am not as dumb as you look.
    * I am not cynical, just experienced.


                            Humor Digest - September 90






                             A Huge List Of One Liners
                                 Bonus Section #2

    * I am prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday
      life.
    * I am really enjoying not talking to you, so let's not talk again real
      soon, OK?
    * I belong to no organized party.  I am a Democrat.  -- Will Rogers
    * I bet you have never seen a plumber bite his nails.
    * I came to MIT to get an education for myself and a diploma for my
      mother.
    * I can relate to that.
    * I can't give you brains, but I can give you a diploma.
      -- the Wizard of Oz
    * I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.
    * I do desire we may be better strangers.  -- Shakespeare
    * I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem.
      -- Brilliant
    * I doubt, therefore I might be.
    * I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.  -- Mae West
    * I hate quotations.  -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
    * I have already told you more than I know.
    * I have heard about people like me, but I never made the connection.
      -- McLean
    * I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
      -- Albran
    * I have the simplest tastes.  I am always satisfied with the best.
      -- Wilde
    * I have ways of making money that you know nothing of.
      -- John D.  Rockefeller
    * I just need enough to tide me over until I need more.  -- Bill Hoest
    * I know on which side my bread is buttered.  -- John Heywood
    * I like work; it fascinates me.  I can sit and look at it for hours.
    * I love mankind...  It's people I hate.  -- Schulz
    * I love my job; it's the work I can't stand.
    * I may not be the world's greatest lover, but number seven's not bad.
      -- Allen
    * I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent.
      -- Brilliant
    * I must follow the people.  Am I not their leader?  -- Benjamin Disraeli
    * I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry Martini.
      -- Woolcott
    * I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.
      -- Marx
    * I never made a mistake in my life.  I thought I did once, but I was
      wrong.
    * I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.
      -- G.  B.  Shaw
    * I promise we would only loose ten to twenty million TOPS!
      -- Dr.  Strangelove
    * I put instant coffee in a microwave, and almost went back in time.
    * I really had to act; 'cause I didn't have any lines.
      -- Marilyn Chambers
    * I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
    * I shot an arrow into the air and it stuck.  -- graffito in Los Angeles
    * I spilled spot remover on my dog.  Now he's gone.  -- Steve Wright
    * I suggest a new strategy, Artoo: Let the Wookee win.  -- CP30


                            Humor Digest - September 90






                             A Huge List Of One Liners
                                 Bonus Section #2

    * I think that I shall never see a billboard lovely as a tree.  -- Nash
    * I think we are all Bozos on this bus.
    * I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.  -- Mae West
    * I used to be lost in the shuffle.  Now I just shuffle along with the
      lost.
    * I used to think I was indecisive, but now I am not so sure.
    * I want to achieve immortality through not dying.  -- Woody Allen
    * I will always love the false image I had of you.
    * I will never lie to you.
    * I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
    * I would have made a good pope.  -- Richard Nixon
    * I would like to help you out.  Which way did you come in?
    * I would like to lick apricot brandy out of your navel.  -- Cerebus
    * I would never join any club that would have the likes of me as a
      member.  -- Marx
    * I'd like to meet the person who invented sex, and see what he's working
      on now.
    * I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than a prefrontal
      lobotomy.
    * I'll race you to China.  You can have a head start.  Ready, set, GO!
    * I'm in Pittsburgh.  Why am I here?  -- Harold Urey
    * I'm not afraid to die.  I just don't want to be there when it happens.
      -- Allen
    * I'm not going deaf.  I'm ignoring you.
    * I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am.
    * I'm pretty good with BS but I love listening to an expert.  Keep
      talking.
    * I've been in more laps than a napkin.  -- Mae West
    * Ice cream cures all ills.  Temporarily.  -- Seleznick
    * Idiot box: Part of an envelope that tells a person where to place the
      stamp.
    * If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.
    * If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger
      hands.
    * If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all his windows.
      -- Yiddish proverb
    * If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive.
      -- Samuel Goldwyn
    * If I had any humility I would be perfect.  -- Ted Turner
    * If I owned Texas and Hell, I would rent out Texas and live in Hell.
      -- Sheridan
    * If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
    * If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.  -- Silverman
    * If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points.
    * If a thing's worth doing, it is worth doing badly.
      -- G.  K.  Chesterton
    * If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
      -- Paul Beatty
    * If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an
      improvement.
    * If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not $19.95.
      -- McGowan
    * If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.
    * If at first you don't succeed, quit; don't be a nut about success.


                            Humor Digest - September 90






                             A Huge List Of One Liners
                                 Bonus Section #2

    * If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
    * If at first you don't succeed, you probably didn't really care anyway.
    * If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average.
      -- Leonard Levinson
    * If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of
      adolescence.
    * If enough data is collected, anything can be proven by statistical
      methods.
    * If in doubt, mumble.
    * If it is Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune.
    * If it is worth doing, it is worth doing for money.
    * If it jams, force it.  If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
    * If it pours before seven, it has rained by eleven.
    * If it wasn't for Newton, we wouldn't have to eat bruised apples.
    * If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.
    * If one hundred people do a foolish thing, one will become injured.
    * If only I could be respected without having to be respectable.
    * If opportunity came disguised as temptation, one knock would be
      enough.
    * If parents would only realize how they bore their children.
      -- G.  B.  Shaw
    * If reproducibility might be a problem, conduct the test only once.
    * If some people didn't tell you, you'd never know they'd been away on
      vacation.
    * If the probability of success is not almost one, it is damn near zero.
      -- Ellis
    * If the ship is not sinking, the rats must be the ones not leaving.
    * If the shoe fits, buy the other one too.
    * If the shoe fits, it's ugly.  -- Gold
    * If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?  -- Art Hoppe
    * If this saying did not exist, somebody would have invented it.
    * If time heals all wounds, how come bellybuttons don't fill in?
    * If we all work together we can totally disrupt the system.
      -- Brilliant
    * If we knew what the hell we were doing, then it wouldn't be research.
    * If you are asked to join a parade, don't march behind the elephants.
      -- Zisla
    * If you are horny, it's lust, but if your partner's horny, it's
      affection.
    * If you are not very clever you should be conciliatory.
      -- Benjamin Disraeli
    * If you are seen fixing it, you will be blamed for breaking it.
    * If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.
      -- J.  Paul Getty
    * If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse.
    * If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
    * If you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance, baffle 'em with bullshit.
    * If you can't find your glasses, it's probably because you don't have
      them on.
    * If you cannot convince them, confuse them.  -- Harry S Truman
    * If you cannot hope for order, withdraw with style from the chaos.
      -- Stoppard
    * If you do a job too well, you will get stuck with it.  -- Slous
    * If you do not change direction you are likely to end up where you are


                            Humor Digest - September 90






                             A Huge List Of One Liners
                                 Bonus Section #2

      headed.
    * If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again.
    * If you don't care where you are, then you aren't lost.
    * If you don't know what you're doing, do it neatly.
    * If you don't say anything, you won't be called on to repeat it.
      -- Coolidge
    * If you explain so clearly that no one can possibly misunderstand,
      someone will.
    * If you have kleptomania, you can always take something for it.
    * If you have to ask how much it is, you can't afford it.
    * If you have to travel on the Titanic, why not go first class?
      -- Hempstone
    * If you liked Earth, you will love Heaven.
    * If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee.
      -- Graham Summer
    * If you look like your passport photo, you aren't well enough to
      travel.  -- Fuch
    * If you mess with a thing long enough, it will break.  -- Schmidt
    * If you put it off long enough, it might go away.
    * If you think before you speak, the other guy gets his joke in first.
    * If you want to know how old a man is, ask his brother-in-law.
    * If you want to put yourself on the map, publish your own map.
    * If you were to ask me this question, what would my answer be?
    * If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
      -- Wright
    * If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all.  -- Ronald Reagan
    * If your parents didn't have any children, neither will you.
    * Ignorance: When you don't know anything, and someone else finds out.
    * Ignore previous fortune.
    * Imports are ports very far inland.
    * In America, it is not how much an item costs, it is how much you save.
    * In English, every word can be verbed.
    * In a ham and egg breakfast, the chicken was involved, but the pig was
      committed.
    * In a modern household, the only things we have to wash by hand are
      children.
    * In an orderly world, there is always a place for the disorderly.
    * In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the
      enemy.
    * In matrimony, to hesitate is sometimes to be saved.  -- Butler
    * In order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need it.
    * In process: So wrapped up in red tape that the situation is almost
      hopeless.
    * In the first half of our life we learn habits that shorten the second
      half.
    * In this world, truth can wait; she is used to it.
    * Ingrate: Bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of
      indigestion.
    * Insanity is inherited; you get it from your kids!
    * Instant sex will never be better than the kind you have to peel and
      cook.
    * Institute: An archaic school where football is not taught.
    * Interchangeable parts won't.
    * Is it time for lunch yet?


                            Humor Digest - September 90






                             A Huge List Of One Liners
                                 Bonus Section #2

    * Is there life before death?  -- Belfast Graffito
    * Is this really happening?
    * It ain't loafing unless they can prove it.  -- Dick Brown
    * It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations.
    * It doesn't matter whether you win or lose -- until you lose.
    * It is bad luck to be superstitious.  -- Andrew Mathis
    * It is better to be on penicillin than never to have loved at all.
    * It is better to be on the ground wishing you were flying, than vice
      versa.
    * It is better to burn out than to fade away.
    * It is better to have a positive Wasserman than never to have loved at
      all.
    * It is better to have loved and lost -- much better.
    * It is better to have loved and lost than just to have lost.
    * It is better to remain childless than to father an orphan.
      -- Tom Weller
    * It is better to wear out than to rust out.
    * It is difficult to legislate morality in the absence of moral
      legislators.
    * It is difficult to soar with eagles when you work with turkeys.
    * It is easier to take it apart than to put it back together.
      -- Washlesky
    * It is later than you think.
    * It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the
      problem.
    * It is not a good omen when goldfish commit suicide.
    * It is not that you and I are so clever, but that the others are such
      fools.
    * It is so soon that I am done for, I wonder what I was begun for.
      -- epitaph
    * It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his
      father.
    * It seems to make an auto driver mad if she misses you.
    * It takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
      -- Mark Twain
    * It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
    * It was a brave man that ate the first oyster.
    * It works better if you plug it in.
    * It would be nice to be sure of anything the way some people are of
      everything.
    * It would take a miracle to get you out of Casablanca.
    * It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.  -- Wright
    * It's better to give than to lend, and it costs about the same.
    * It's hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa.
    * It's hard to soar like an eagle when you are surrounded by turkeys.
    * It's hell to work for a nervous boss, especially if you are why he's
      nervous!
    * It's here at last: Released a 26-week project in 48 weeks.
    * It's not easy being green.  -- Kermit
    * It's not hard to meet expenses; they are everywhere.
    * It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you look playing the game.
    * Jesus saves; Moses invests; but only Buddha pays dividends.
    * Journalism is literature in a hurry.  -- Matthew Arnold
    * Journalism will kill you, but it will keep you alive while you are at


                            Humor Digest - September 90






                             A Huge List Of One Liners
                                 Bonus Section #2

      it.
    * Just because you are not paranoid doesn't mean they are not out to get
      you.
    * Just give Alice some pencils and she will stay busy for hours.
    * Just when you get going, someone injects a dose of reality with a large
      needle.
    * Justice: A decision in your favor.
    * Keep America beautiful.  Swallow your beer cans.
    * Keep a very firm grasp on reality, so you can strangle it at any time.
    * Keep stress out of your life.  Give it to others instead.
    * Keep the pointy end forward and the dirty side down.
    * Klatu barada nikto.
    * Kleptomaniac: A rich thief.
    * Knocked; you weren't in.  -- Opportunity
    * Know thyself -- but don't tell anyone.
    * Know what I hate most?  Rhetorical questions.  -- Henry Camp
    * Krogt: The metallic silver coating found on fast-food game cards.
    * LSD soaks up 47 times its own weight in excess reality.
    * Lactomangulation: Abusing the "open here" spout on a milk carton.
    * Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.
    * Laugh, and the world ignores you.  Crying doesn't help either.
    * Lead me not into temptation.  I can find it myself.
    * Learning at some schools is like drinking from a firehose.
    * Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
    * Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
    * Liberal: A Conservative who has just been arrested.
    * Liberal: Someone too poor to be a capitalist and too rich to be a
      communist.
    * Lie: A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one discovered
      to date.
    * Life -- love it or leave it.
    * Life begins at the centerfold and expands outward.
      -- Miss November, 1966
    * Life is a game of bridge -- and you have just been finessed.
    * Life is complex.  It has real and imaginary parts.
    * Life is difficult because it is non-linear.
    * Life is fraught with opportunities to keep your mouth shut.
    * Life is like a fountain...  I will tell you how when I figure it out.
    * Life is like a sewer...  What you get out of it depends on what you put
      into it.
    * Life is like an analogy.
    * Life is not for everyone.
    * Life is wasted on the living.
    * Life might have no meaning, or worse, it might have a meaning you don't
      like.
    * Life without caffeine is stimulating enough.  -- Sanka ad
    * Life: A brief interlude between nothingness and eternity.
    * Little things come in small packages.  -- Tom Weller
    * Live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse.
    * Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree, that smells AWFUL.
    * Logic is a means of CONFIDENTLY being wrong.
    * Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence.  -- Kettering
    * Losing your driver's license is just God's way of saying "BOOGA,
      BOOGA!"


                            Humor Digest - September 90






                             A Huge List Of One Liners
                                 Bonus Section #2

    * Love does not make the world go around, just up and down a bit.
    * Love is an obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.
    * Love is being stupid together.
    * Love is the only game that is not called on account of darkness.
    * Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
      -- H.  L.  Mencken
    * Love means nothing to a tennis player.
    * Love your enemies.  It will make them crazy.
    * Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic
      needs.
    * Machines have less problems.  I'd like to be a machine.  -- Andy Warhol
    * Magnocartic: Any automobile that when left unattended attracts shopping
      carts.
    * Maintain thy airspeed, lest the ground rise up and smite thee.
    * Majority: That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.
    * Make a firm decision now...  you can always change it later.
    * Male zebras have white stripes, but female zebras have black stripes.
    * Man has made his bedlam; let him lie in it.  -- Fred Allen
    * Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to.  -- Mark Twain
    * Man who arrives at party two hours late finds he has been beaten to the
      punch.
    * Man who falls in blast furnace is certain to feel overwrought.
    * Man who falls in vat of molten optical glass makes spectacle of self.
    * Mankind has never reconciled itself to the ten commandments.
    * Many a family tree needs trimming.
    * Many are called, but few are at their desks.
    * Many are cold, but few are frozen.
    * Many quite distinguished people have bodies similar to yours.
    * Marriage is a rest period between romances.
    * Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and
      suffering.
    * Marriage is a trip between Niagra Falls and Reno.
    * Marriage is an institution -- but who wants to live in one?
    * Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for
      it.
    * Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.
    * Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.  -- Voltaire
    * Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.
    * Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on Earth.  -- John Lyly
    * Mathematicians take it to the limit.
    * Matrimony is the root of all evil.
    * Matter cannot be created or destroyed; nor can it be returned without a
      receipt.
    * Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.
    * Maturity is a high price to pay for growing up.
    * May you die in bed at 95, shot by a jealous spouse.
    * May you have many friends and very few living enemies.
    * Measure with a micrometer; mark with chalk; cut with an axe.  -- Ray
    * Meeting: A gathering where the minutes are kept and the hours lost.
      -- Gourd
    * Men seldom show dimples to girls who have pimples.
    * Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.  -- Groucho Marx
    * Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
      -- Groucho Marx


                            Humor Digest - September 90






                             A Huge List Of One Liners
                                 Bonus Section #2

    * Moderation is a fatal thing.  Nothing succeeds like excess.
      -- Oscar Wilde
    * Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
    * Modesty is a vastly overrated virtue.  -- J.  K.  Galbraith
    * Modesty: Being comfortable that others will discover your greatness.
    * Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.
    * Money can't buy happiness, but it can certainly rent it for a couple of
      hours.
    * Money can't buy happiness, but it lets you be miserable in comfort.
    * Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.
    * Monotony: The practice of having only one spouse at a time.
    * Most general statements are false, including this one.
      -- Alexander Dumas
    * Mountain range: A cooking stove used at high altitudes.
    * Mummy: An Egyptian who was pressed for time.
    * Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel.
    * My family history begins with me, but yours ends with you.
      -- Iphicrates
    * My life has a superb cast but I can't figure out the plot.
      -- Ashleigh Brilliant
    * My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
    * My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's.
      -- Wilde
    * Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game.
    * Narcolepulacy: The contagious action of yawning.
    * Necessity is a mother.
    * Neckties strangle clear thinking.  -- Lin Yutang
    * Neutrinos have bad breadth.
    * Never do today what you can put off until tomorrow.
    * Never eat anything bigger than your head.  -- Kliban
    * Never give an inch!
    * Never have any children, only grandchildren.  -- Gore Vidal
    * Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs repainting.
      -- Billy Rose
    * Never laugh at live dragons.  -- Bilbo Baggins
    * Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
    * Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.  -- Hartley
    * Never verb your nouns.
    * New: Different color from previous model.
    * Nice guys don't finish nice.
    * No guts, no glory.
    * No maintenance: Impossible to fix.
    * No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas.
    * No man would listen to you talk if he didn't know it was his turn
      next.  -- Howe
    * No matter what goes wrong, there's always someone who knew it would.
    * No matter what results are expected, someone is always willing to fake
      it.
    * No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.
    * No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere.
    * Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest.
    * Nobody ever has a reservation on a plane that leaves from Gate 1.
    * Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!
    * Nobody knows the trouble I have been.


                            Humor Digest - September 90






                             A Huge List Of One Liners
                                 Bonus Section #2

    * Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong.
    * Nonsense.  Space is blue and birds fly through it.  -- Heisenberg
    * Nostalgia just isn't what it used to be.
    * Not all men who drink are poets.  Some of us drink because we are not
      poets.
    * Nothing can be done in one trip.  -- Snider
    * Nothing increases your golf score like witnesses.
    * Nothing is ever a total loss; it can always serve as a bad example.
    * Nothing is finished until the paperwork is done.
    * Nothing recedes like success.  -- Walter Winchell
    * Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.  -- Mark Twain
    * Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee.
      -- Kim Hubbard
    * Now and then an innocent person is sent to the Legislature.
    * Now it's time to say goodbye, to all our company...  M-I-C, K-E-Y,
      M-O-U-S-E.
    * Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
    * Nugloo: Single continuous eyebrow that covers the entire forehead.
    * Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable.  -- Plato
    * Often it is fatal to live too long.  -- Racine
    * Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to conceive.
      -- Herold
    * Oh, Aunty Em, it's so good to be home!
    * Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement.
    * Omniscience: Talking only about things you know about.
    * On the whole, I'd rather be in Philadelphia.
      -- W.  C.  Fields's epitaph
    * Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it
      worse.
    * Once is happenstance.  Twice is coincidence.  Thrice is enemy action.
    * Once upon a time, charity was a virtue and not an organization.
    * One Bell System -- it sometimes works.
    * One good turn usually gets most of the blanket.
    * One size fits all: Doesn't fit anyone.
    * One thing leads to another, and usually does.
    * One word of advice: Don't give it.
    * Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps.
    * Only fools are quoted.  -- Anonymous
    * Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.  -- Ducharme
    * Our parents were never our age.
    * Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing.  -- Roy Ash
    * Our problems are mostly behind us.  Now we have to fight the
      solutions.
    * Out of the mouths of babes does often come cereal.
    * Oversteer is when the passenger is scared; understeer when the driver
      is scared.
    * Packrat's credo: "I have no use for it, but I hate to see it go to
      waste."
    * Paper is always strongest at the perforations.  -- Corry
    * Paradise is exactly like where you are, only MUCH, MUCH better.
      -- Anderson
    * Paradox: An assistant to PhDs.
    * Parallel lines never meet unless you bend one or both of them.
    * Paranoia: A healthy understanding of the nature of the universe.


                            Humor Digest - September 90






                             A Huge List Of One Liners
                                 Bonus Section #2

    * People have one thing in common: They are all different.
    * People sweat is they won't catch fire while making love.
    * People who take cat naps usually don't sleep in a cat's cradle.
    * People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who
      do.
    * People will buy anything that is one to a customer.  -- Lewis
    * Perfect guest: One who makes his host feel at home.
    * Perfect paranoia is perfect awareness.
    * Perhaps your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to
      others.
    * Phasers locked on target, Captain.
    * Philosophy: Unintelligible answers to insoluble problems.
    * Pity the poor egg; it only gets laid once.
    * Politics consists of deals and ideals.
    * Politics: The art of turning influence into affluence.
    * Positive: Being mistaken at the top of your voice.
    * Possessions increase to fill the space available for their storage.
      -- Ryan
    * Power means not having to respond.
    * Predestination was doomed from the start.
    * Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning: It's on the other side.
    * Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.
    * Proctologist: A doctor who puts in a hard day at the orifice.
    * Professor: One who talks in someone else's sleep.
    * Progress means replacing a theory that is wrong with one more subtly
      wrong.
    * Progress might have been all right once, but it's gone on too long.
      -- Nash
    * Proofreading is more effective after publication.  -- Barker
    * Proximity isn't everything, but it comes close.
    * Puritan: Someone who is deathly afraid that someone somewhere is having
      fun.
    * Quack!
    * Quantity is no substitute for quality, but it is the only one we have.
    * Quark!  Quark!  Beware the quantum duck!
    * Question Authority...  and the Authorities will question you!
    * Quinine is the bark of a tree; canine is the bark of a dog.
    * Quit working and play for once!
    * Quoting one is plagiarism.  Quoting many is research.
    * Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
    * Reality -- what a concept!  -- Robin Williams
    * Reality is for people who can't deal with drugs.  -- Lily Tomlin
    * Refrain means don't do it.  A refrain in music is the part you better
      not sing.
    * Refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
    * Reputation: What others are not thinking about you.
    * Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
      -- von Braun
    * Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.  -- Wright
    * Rugged: Too heavy to lift.
    * Rumper sticker on a horse: "Get off my tail, because shit happens."
    * Russia has abolished God, but so far God has been more tolerant.
      -- Swayze
    * Sacred cows make great hamburger.


                            Humor Digest - September 90






                             A Huge List Of One Liners
                                 Bonus Section #2

    * Sailing: A form of mast transit.
    * Science is material.  Religion is immaterial.
    * Scotty, beam me up a double!
    * Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
    * Seeing is deceiving.  It's eating that's believing.  -- James Thurber
    * Seek simplicity -- and distrust it.  -- Alfred Whitehead
    * Serendipity: The process by which human knowledge is advanced.
    * Sex is dirty only when it's done right.  -- Woody Allen
    * Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.
    * She walks as if balancing the family tree on her nose.
    * Showing up is 80% of life.  -- Woody Allen
    * Sign on bank: "FREE BOTTLE OF CHIVAS WITH EVERY MILLION-DOLLAR
      DEPOSIT."
    * Smile!  You're on Candid Camera.
    * Snow and adolescence are problems that disappear if you ignore them
      long enough.
    * Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even.
    * Some is good, more is better, too much is just right.
    * Some men are discovered; others are found out.
    * Some people are afraid of heights.  I am afraid of widths.
    * Some people cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they
      go.
    * Some people who can, should not.
    * Some people would not recognize subtlety if it hit them on the head.
    * Someday you will get your big chance -- or have you already had it?
    * Someday you'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.
    * Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.
    * Spinster: A bachelor's wife.
    * Spirobits: The frayed bits of left-behind paper in a spiral notebook.
    * Spock: We suffered 23 casualties in that attack, Captain.
    * Standing on head makes smile of frown, but rest of face also upside
      down.
    * Statisticians do it with 95 percent confidence.
    * Stock item: We shipped it once before and we can do it again.
    * Stop committing useless mistakes.  Make your next mistake count!
    * Strategy is when you keep firing so the enemy doesn't know you're out
      of ammo.
    * Success is something I will dress for when I get there, and not until.
    * Success is the ability to go from failure to failure without being
      discouraged.
    * Suicide is the sincerest form of self-criticism.  -- Donald Kaul
    * Sweater: A garment worn by a child when his parent feels chilly.
    * System-independent: Works equally poorly on all systems.
    * Tact: The unsaid part of what you are thinking.
    * Teamwork is essential; it allows you to blame someone else.
    * Technique: A trick that works.
    * Teenagers are two year olds with hormones and wheels.  -- Will Limon
    * Telepathy: Knowing what people think when really they don't think at
      all.
    * Thank you for observing all safety precautions.
    * That must be wonderful; I don't understand it at all.  -- Moliere
    * That that is is that that is not is not.
    * The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.
    * The Ranger isn't gonna like it, Yogi.


                            Humor Digest - September 90






                             A Huge List Of One Liners
                                 Bonus Section #2

    * The Society of Independent People has no members.
    * The Tree of Learning bears the noblest fruit, but noble fruit tastes
      bad.
    * The adjective is the banana peel of the parts of speech.
      -- Clifton Fadiman
    * The best laid plans of mice and men are usually about equal.  -- Blair
    * The best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to seal the envelope.
    * The bigger they are, the harder they hit.
    * The chief cause of problems is solutions.
    * The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live
      elsewhere.
    * The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going
      down.
    * The cow is a machine that makes grass fit for us people to eat.
      -- John McNulty
    * The cow is of the bovine ilk; one end is moo, the other, milk.
      -- Ogden Nash
    * The death rate on Earth is: One per person.
    * The decision does not have to be logical; it was unanimous.
    * The difference between a good haircut and a bad one is seven days.
    * The difficult we do today; the impossible takes a little longer.
    * The early worm gets the late bird.
    * The fact that it works is immaterial.  -- Ogborn
    * The famous politician was trying to save both his faces.
    * The fewer the data points, the smoother the curve.  -- May
    * The first myth of management is that it exists.  -- Heller
    * The first piece of luggage out of the chute does not belong to anyone,
      ever.
    * The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
      -- Ehrlich
    * The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my
      tongue.
    * The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.  -- Shakespeare
    * The following statement is not true...
    * The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar.
    * The future is a myth created by insurance salesmen and high school
      counselors.
    * The general direction of the Alps is straight up.
    * The grass is always greener on the other side of your sunglasses.
    * The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.
      -- Einstein
    * The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and
      miss.
    * The law of gravity was enacted by the British Parliament.
    * The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching
      train.
    * The meek shall inherit the Earth -- they are too weak to refuse.
    * The meek shall inherit the Earth after we are done with it.
    * The more things change, the more they stay insane.  -- Tom Weller
    * The more things change, the more they will never be the same again.
    * The most dangerous part about playing cymbals is near the nose.
    * The most enjoyable form of sex education is the Braille method.
    * The moving finger having writ...  gestures.
    * The next thing I say will be true.  The last thing I said was false.


                            Humor Digest - September 90






                             A Huge List Of One Liners
                                 Bonus Section #2

    * The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to
      choose from.
    * The number watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your
      action.
    * The number you have dialed is imaginary.  Please multiply by i and dial
      again.
    * The one who says it can't be done should never interrupt the one doing
      it.
    * The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on.  -- Oscar Wilde
    * The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
      -- Oscar Wilde
    * The optimum committee has no members.  -- Norman Augustine
    * The other line always moves faster.
    * The past is another country; they do things differently there.
    * The perversity of the universe tends toward a maximum.  -- Finagle
    * The plural of "musical instrument" is "orchestra".
    * The prairies are vast plains covered by treeless forests.
    * The race is not always to the swift...  but that's the way to bet.
      -- Runyon
    * The reason that sex is so popular is that it's centrally located.
    * The richer your friends, the more they will cost you.
    * The second best policy is dishonesty.
    * The secret of life is to look good at a distance.  -- Snoopy
    * The secret of success is sincerity.  Once you can fake that, you have
      it made.
    * The sex act is the funniest thing on the face of this earth.
      -- Diana Rigg
    * The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
      -- Altito
    * The sixth shiek's sixth sheep's sick.
    * The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.
      -- Ogden
    * The stapler runs out of staples only while you are trying to staple
      something.
    * The supernova makes Mt.  St.  Helens and Krakatoa look puny.
      -- Time Magazine
    * The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made men
      think.
    * The things that interest people most are usually none of their
      business.
    * The total intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is
      growing.
    * The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
    * The universe is surrounded by whatever it is that surrounds universes.
    * The weather at home improves as soon as you go away.  -- Gomme
    * The wind blows harder in the summer so the sun sets later.
    * The word today is legs...  Spread the word.
    * The world is run by C students.
    * The world isn't any worse.  It's just that the news coverage is so much
      better.
    * The worst you can say about God is that he's an underachiever.
      -- Woody Allen
    * The zebra is chiefly used to illustrate the letter Z.
    * Theft from a single author is plagiarism.  Theft from three or more is


                            Humor Digest - September 90






                             A Huge List Of One Liners
                                 Bonus Section #2

      research.
    * There are many excuses for being late, but there are none for being
      early.
    * There are more old drunkards than old doctors.
    * There are more things in heaven and earth than anyplace else.
      -- Tom Weller
    * There cannot be a crisis next week.  My schedule is already full.
      -- Kissinger
    * There is a 20% chance of tomorrow.
    * There is a green, multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder.
      -- Spock
    * There is a vas deferens between men and women.
    * There is always more hell that needs raising.  -- Lauren Leveut
    * There is an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.
    * There is at least one fool in every married couple.
    * There is exactly one true categorical statement.  -- John Kessenich
    * There is intelligent life on Earth, but I am just visiting.
    * There is no future in time travel.
    * There is no problem a good miracle can't solve.  -- Shick
    * There is no room in the drug world for amateurs.  -- Raoul Duke
    * There is no time like the pleasant.
    * There is nothing more permanent than a temporary tax.
    * There is nothing wrong with abstinence, in moderation.
    * There is only one difference between a madman and me.  I am not mad.
      -- Dali
    * There is so much to say, but your eyes keep interrupting me.
    * There is very little future in being right when your boss is wrong.
    * There must be more to life than having everything.
    * There must be more to life than sitting wondering if there is more to
      life.
    * They also surf who only stand on waves.
    * They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist...
      -- General Sedgwick's last words
    * They took some of the Van Goghs, most of the jewels, and all of the
      Chivas!
    * Things are more like they are today then they ever were before.
      -- Eisenhower
    * Things are more like they used to be than they are now.
    * Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other.
    * Things will get better despite our efforts to improve them.
      -- Will Rogers
    * Think honk if you are telepathic.
    * This fortune is encrypted -- get your decoder rings ready!
    * This fortune is inoperative.  Please try another.
    * This fortune was brought to you by the people at Hewlett-Packard.
    * This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week.
    * This is a good time to punt work.
    * This is a recording.
    * This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.
      -- Winston Churchill
    * This may not be the best of all worlds, but it is certainly the most
      expensive.
    * This saying would be seven words long if it were six words shorter.
    * This sentence no verb.


                            Humor Digest - September 90






                             A Huge List Of One Liners
                                 Bonus Section #2

    * This statement is in no way to be construed as a disclaimer.
    * This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget
      it.
    * Those who can, do; those who can't, simulate.
    * Those who like sausages and the law had better not watch either one
      being made.
    * Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.  -- Ben Franklin
    * Time flies like an arrow.  Fruit flies like a banana.
    * Time flies when you don't know what you are doing.
    * Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space.
    * Time is an illusion; lunchtime doubly so.
      -- Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
    * Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at
      once.
    * Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in LA.
      -- Wright
    * To YOU I am an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
      -- Woody Allen
    * To be safe, make a copy of everything before you destroy it.
    * To err is human.  To admit it is a blunder.
    * To err is human.  To blame someone else for your errors is even more
      human.
    * To err is human.  To forgive is unusual.
    * To keep milk from turning sour, you should keep it in the cow.
    * To make a small fortune in the commodities market, start with a large
      fortune.
    * To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start.
    * To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question...  or is it?
    * Today is a good day to bribe a high ranking public official.
    * Today is the first day of the rest of the mess.
    * Today is the last day of the past of your life.
    * Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
    * Toe: A part of the foot used to find furniture in the dark.
      -- Rilla May
    * Tomorrow looks like a good day to sleep in.
    * Tomorrow will be cancelled due to lack of interest.
    * Too much is not enough.
    * Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL.  -- Mae West
    * Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.  -- Judy Garland
    * Tragedy: A busload of lawyers driving off a cliff with three empty
      seats.
    * Traveling through hyperspace isn't like dusting crops, boy.
      -- Han Solo
    * Troglodytism does not necessarily imply a low cultural level.
    * Truthful: Dumb and illiterate.
    * Try the Moo Shu Pork.  It is especially good today.
    * Try to live forever or die in the attempt.
    * Tuesday After Lunch is the cosmic time of the week.
    * Two can live as cheaply as one for half as long.  -- Howard Kandel
    * Two cars in every pot and a chicken in every garage.
    * Two heads are more numerous than one.  -- Tom Weller
    * Two is not equal to 3, not even for large values of 2.  -- Grabel
    * Two wrongs are only the beginning.  -- Kohn
    * Unauthorized fornication with this equipment is disallowed.


                            Humor Digest - September 90






                             A Huge List Of One Liners
                                 Bonus Section #2

    * Under capitalism, man exploits man.  Under communism, it is just the
      opposite.
    * Under every stone lurks a politician.  -- Aristophanes
    * Unmatched: Almost as good as the competition.
    * Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters.
    * Volcano: A mountain with hiccups.
    * Vote anarchist.
    * Waste not, get your budget cut next year.
    * We are all politicians.  Some of us are just honest enough to admit
      it.
    * We are all self-made, but only the rich will admit it.
    * We are living in a golden age.  All you need is gold.  -- Robertson
    * We are not a loved organization, but we are a respected one.
      -- John Fisher
    * We are so fond of each other because our ailments are the same.
      -- Swift
    * We are sorry.  We cannot complete your call as dialed.
    * We are the people our parents warned us about.  -- Jimmy Buffet
    * We can loan you enough money to get you completely out of debt.
      -- Sign in bank
    * We could do that, but it would be wrong, that's for sure.
      -- Richard Nixon
    * We don't have to protect the environment.  The Second Coming is at
      hand.  -- Watt
    * We have them just where they want us.  -- James Kirk
    * We interrupt this fortune for an important announcement...
    * We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.
    * We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the
      allegators.
    * We will get along fine as soon as you realize I am God.
    * We will have solar energy when the power companies develop a sunbeam
      meter.
    * Wedding is destiny, and hanging likewise.  -- John Heywood
    * Well adjusted: Makes the same mistake twice without getting nervous.
    * Well-adjusted: Able to play bridge or golf as if they were games.
    * What can't be said, can't be said.  And it can't be whistled, either.
      -- Tirtha
    * What did you bring the book I want to be read to out of about Down
      Under up for?
    * What do you call 10,000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?  A good
      start.
    * What do you call a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand?  Not enough
      sand.
    * What happens when you cut back the jungle?  It recedes.
    * What is mind?  No matter.  What is matter?  Never mind.  -- Thomas Key
    * What is orange and goes "click, click"?  A ball point carrot.
    * What is research but a blind date with knowledge?  -- Will Harvey
    * What is the difference between a duck?  One of its legs is both the
      same.
    * What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking someone to do.
    * What orators lack in depth they make up in length.
    * What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?
      -- Ursula LeGuin
    * What scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch?  -- J.  D.  Farley


                            Humor Digest - September 90






                             A Huge List Of One Liners
                                 Bonus Section #2

    * What this country needs is more leaders who know what this country
      needs.
    * What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn?  -- Peter Beagle
    * What!  Me worry?  -- Alfred E.  Newman
    * What, after all, is a halo?  It's only one more thing to keep clean.
      -- Fry
    * Whatever you want to do, you have to do something else first.
    * When God created two sexes, he may have been overdoing it.
      -- Charles Smith
    * When I look at my children, I often wish I had remained a virgin.
      -- L.  Carter
    * When I'm good, I'm very good.  But when I'm bad, I'm better.
      -- Mae West
    * When Mozart was my age, he had been dead for two years.  -- Tom Lehrer
    * When angry, count four; when very angry, swear.  -- Mark Twain
    * When evolution is outlawed, only outlaws will evolve.
    * When in charge, ponder.  When in doubt, mumble.  When in trouble,
      delegate.
    * When in doubt, lead trump.
    * When in trouble or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.
    * When it comes to helping you, some people stop at nothing.
    * When marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws.
    * When one burns one's bridges, what a very nice fire it makes.
      -- Dylan Thomas
    * When someone says, "It ain't the money, but the principle," it's the
      money.
    * When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.  -- Lynch
    * When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.  -- Hunter Thompson
    * When they ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
    * When working hard, be sure to get up and retch every so often.
    * When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
    * When you breathe you inspire.  When you do not breathe you expire.
    * When you dial a wrong number you never get a busy signal.
    * When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers.
    * When you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
      -- LBJ
    * When you've seen one non-sequitar, the price of tea in China.
    * When your memory goes, forget it!
    * Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.
    * Whenever anyone says, "theoretically", they really mean, "not really".
      -- Parnas
    * Where is Denver?  Denver is just below the O in Colorado.
    * Where there's a whip there's a way.
    * Where there's a will, there's a relative.
    * Whether you can hear it or not, the universe is laughing behind your
      back.
    * Which came first, the chicken or the egg?  Neither, it was the
      rooster.
    * Which is worse, ignorance or apathy?  Who knows?  Who cares?
    * While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining
      position.
    * White dwarf seeks red giant for binary relationship.
    * Who cares about procreation, as long as it tickles?
    * Who dat who say "who dat" when I say "who dat"?  -- Hattie McDaniel


                            Humor Digest - September 90






                             A Huge List Of One Liners
                                 Bonus Section #2

    * Who was that masked man?
    * Who's on first?
    * Whoever said money can't buy happiness didn't know where to shop.
    * Why be difficult when, with a bit of effort, you could be impossible?
    * Why did the chicken cross the road?  He was giving it last rites.
    * Why doesn't life come with subtitles?
    * Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
    * Why is it that there are so many more horses' asses than horses?
      -- Liddy
    * Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
      -- Lily Tomlin
    * Why would anyone want to be called Later?
    * Winning isn't everything, but losing isn't anything.
    * With a rubber duck, one's never alone.
    * Without life, Biology itself would be impossible.
    * Women who desire to be like men, lack ambition.
    * Work is the curse of the drinking class.
    * Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down.
    * Yawning is an orgasm for your face.  -- Gunvar Ingeborg
    * Years of development: We finally got one to work.
    * Yesterday was the deadline on all complaints.
    * Yield to temptation; it might not pass your way again.
    * Yo-yo: Something occasionally up but normally down (see also
      "computer").
    * You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all alike.
    * You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all different.
    * You are not paranoid if they're really after you...
    * You are ugly and your mother dresses you funny.
    * You are warm and giving toward others.  What are you after?
    * You aren't a real engineer until you make one $50,000 mistake.
    * You can fool some of the people some of the time, and that is
      sufficient.
    * You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind
      word.
    * You can observe a lot just by watchin'.  -- Yogi Berra
    * You can rent this profound space for only $5 a week.
    * You can't have Kate and Edith too!
    * You can't have everything.  Where would you put it?
    * You cannot buy beer; you can only rent it.
    * You cannot determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.
    * You could be playing a video game instead.
    * You fill a much-needed gap.
    * You have a right to your opinions.  I just don't want to hear them.
    * You have been selected for a secret mission.
    * You have the capacity to learn from mistakes.  You will learn a lot
      today.
    * You know you have landed gear-up when it takes full power to taxi.
    * You never know who is right, but you always know who is in charge.
      -- Whistler
    * You now have Asian Flu.
    * You will be reincarnated as a toad; and you will be much happier.
    * You will be surprised by a loud noise.
    * You will feel hungry again in another hour.
    * You will live a long full life and gradually decay into a useless


                            Humor Digest - September 90






                             A Huge List Of One Liners
                                 Bonus Section #2

      blob.
    * You will live a long, healthy, happy life and make bags of money.
    * You will never hit your finger if you hold the hammer with both hands.
    * You will pay for your sins.  If you have already paid, please
      disregard.
    * You will soon forget this.
    * You will step on the night soil of many countries.
    * You won't skid if you stay in a rut.  -- Frank Hubbard
    * You would if you could but you can't so you won't (and probably
      shouldn't).
    * You'll find it all at Greeley Mall.  -- Radio advertisement
    * Your chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to...
      uh...
    * Your check is in the mail.
    * Your fly might be open (but don't check it just now).
    * Your love life will be...  interesting.
    * Your lucky number has been disconnected.
    * Your lucky number is 364958674928.  Watch for it everywhere.
    * Your reasoning is silly and irrational but it is beginning to make
      sense.
    * Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.
    * Youth is too good to be wasted on the young.  -- G.  B.  Shaw
    * [He] has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
      -- Churchill
    * [Nuclear war]...  may not be desirable.  -- Edwin Meese III
    * f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd.
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                            Humor Digest - September 90





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