SEX HUMOR================================================================================== SEX HUMOR = ================================================================================ SEX(1) USER COMMANDS SEX(1) NAME sex - have sex SYNOPSIS sex [ options ] usercode [ usercode ... ] DEFAULTS If no usernames are specified, names are taken from the LOVERS environment variable. OPTIONS Options to make things more interesting are as follows: -1 wiggle -a external stimulus (aphrodisiac) option -b buggery -B -c chocolate sauce option -C chaining option (cuffs included) (see also -m -s -W) -d -e exhibitionism (image sent to all machines on the net) -f foreplay option -F nasal sex with plants -i coitus interruptus (messy!) -j jacuzzi option (California sites only) -l leather option -L Lick option -m masochism (see -s) -M triple parallel (Menage a Trois) option -n necrophilia (if target process is not dead, program kills it) -N Nipple option -o oral option -O parallel access (flower-picking party) -p debug option (proposition only) -P pedophilia (must specify a child process) -q quickie (wham, bam, thank you, ma'am) -s sadism (target must set -m) -S sundae option -v voyeurism (surveys the entire net) -v1 vaseline option -V Vibrator option -w whipped cream option -W whips (see also -s, -C, and -m) -x extra (loop routine - cumming back for more) -y yogurt option ERRORS 'Missing External' = "Where did I put the vibrator" 'Mismatch error' = One component is non-standard 'Next without For' = Next process has been started without foreplay. 'Syntax Error' = Error in chat up line 'I/O Error' = Input-Output is too slow. 'Unknown Procedure' = The process is non-standard but fun. 'No Such Line' = Chat up line has gone down 'Out of Memory' = You had too much to drink last night. 'Illegal Input' = 3 fingers are quite enough 'Undefined Variable' = Decide how much you are going to pay. 'Identifier not Used' = Don't give her your name. 'Do without Loop' = At least do it twice 'Inserted ; ' = Only with users permission bit set. 'Insufficient data' = "Oh yeah, I've taken precautions" 'Your party is not responding' = Unsuccessful strip-poker request call 'Access Denied' = Chastity bit set. 'Unknown Host Name' = "Whose party is it?" 'Output Only' = don't try anal sex 'Can't Access Floppy' = "Where the hell is it!" 'Server Not Responding' = Either too much drink or impotent. 'Too many Arguments' = Don't try talking to partner. 'Peripheral in Use' = Remove chewing-gum before administering blowjob 'Bad Baud Rate' = Use your imagination or she'll get bored. 'Copy is Unreadable' = Porno-mags are not for reading 'Already Open' = Just undo the button and off they come. 'Process Timed Out' = Premature ejaculation has occurred 'Out of Range' = Her husband is in London 'Unmatched (' = Boobs are of different sizes. 'Permission Denied' = I told you not to try anal sex 'No repeat' = Not tonight darling, I'm too tired. 'Source is Protected' = Very sensible, always keep one with you. 'Invalid Entry' = Don't take advantage of disabled people. 'CPU down' = Had to happen sooner or later. 'Connection closed by foreign host' = Husband arrival 'Illegal Direct' = "hi babe, wanna fuck" is not implemented. 'Can't Read' = People want intellectuals these days 'Begin Without End' = Not likely to occur 'only 3 connections allowed' = Stop being greedy! 'bad track' = told u not to do it to Des O'Connor! 'write protected' = its ok, she's had the op. 'cannot open' = her knees are surgically joined 'file already open' = she's a slut 'no manual entry' = switch to auto pilot 'no such process' = forget it, its impossible '65 bytes free' = after this, bites cost 10p each. 'no command' = she knows what you want 'your party has logged out' = you were too long at the chemists 'RTFM error' = see karma sutra 'mistake' = yup, thats her asshole! 'no device specified' = which vibrator do you want? 'no such device' = if device no. > 15" 'Stopped' = Doorbell activated 'Stopped by operator' = Phone rings 'Interrupt' = son arrives at location 'dlog file exists' = you logged out before ejaculation 'missing end statement' = she had gone when you awoke. 'missing bit' = Jewish operator SEX PASCAL v.69 ERRORS 'Hex number too large' = The last time I saw one that big it was hanging under a donkey 'Variable too big for memory' = It's so big it's mind-blowing 'BEGIN expected' = She's got her clothes off and ready to go 'Too many procedures' = The foreplay's gone on long enough 'DO expected' = "Come on, do it to me!" 'Label not declared' = What brand of condoms have you got? 'END expected' = "Please stop, I've had enough!" 'Too many digits' = You can't put your whole hand up 'Premature end of file' = It went limp before the climax 'Too many devices' = Which vibrator shall I choose from? 'Variant device' = I'll choose this one - it's got thrusting action 'Tag type mismatch' = The condom's too big 'Real device expected' = I don't want a vibrator - I need the real thing 'Can't read this type' = I've lost my glasses and cannot read the small writing on this sex manual 'Too many dimensions = I'm having problems translating page 47 for translator' of the kama sutra into Serbo Croat 'Digit expected' = Get your magic fingers working on my erogenous zones 'ID table overflow' = I told you not to do it on the table where it would overflow onto the carpet 'Too many nested = There's so many Des O'Connor records on records' that shelf that it's put me off the job FATAL ERROR 'Premature termination = she had an epileptic fit while giving blowjob of parameter' DEMONSTRATION PROGRAM Program Sex (input,output,input,output,input,output,input,output); var condom,up,down : boolean; Procedure up_and_down; begin if up=true then down else up end; begin repeat read(condom); until (condom=true) repeat up_and_down; until climax end. If you are a bit kinky then the following procedure may be implemented :- Procedure foreplay; begin read(choice); case choice of 1 : Strawberry Yogurt; 2 : Baked Beans; 3 : Ice Cream; 4 : Vaseline; endcase end. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- SEX(6) EUNUCH Programmer's Manual SEX(6) NAME sex - have sex SYNOPSIS sex [ options ] ... [ username ] ... DESCRIPTION sex allows the invoker to have sex with the user(s) specified in the command line. If no users are specified, they are taken from the LOVERS environment variable. Options to make things more interesting are as follows: -1 masturbate -a external stimulus (aphrodisiac) option -b buggery -B bestiality with -c chocolate sauce option -C chaining option (cuffs included) (see also -m -s -W) -d get a date with the features described in -e exhibitionism (image sent to all machines on the net) -f foreplay option -F nasal sex with plants -i coitus interruptus (messy!) -j jacuzzi option (California sites only) -l leather option -m masochism (see -s) -M triple parallel (Menage a Trois) option -n necrophilia (if target process is not dead, program kills it) -o oral option -O parallel access (orgy) -p debug option (proposition only) -P pedophilia (must specify a child process) SEX(6) EUNUCH Programmer's Manual SEX(6) -q quickie (wham, bam, thank you, ma'am) -s sadism (target must set -m) -S sundae option -v voyeurism (surveys the entire net) -w whipped cream option -W whips (see also -s, -C, and -m) ENVIRONMENT LOVERS is a list of default partners which will be used if none are specified in the command line. If any are specified, the values in LOVERS is ignored. FILES /usr/lib/sex/animals animals for bestiality /usr/lib/sex/blackbook possible dates /usr/lib/sex/sundaes sundae recipes /usr/lib/sex/s&m sado-masochistic equipment BUGS ^C (quit process) may leave the user very unsatisfied. ^Z (stop process) is usually quite messy. MAN AUTHOR Author prefers to be anonymous. HISTORY Oldest program ever. |