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                        Real Programmers ...



Don't eat quiche.  Real programmers  don't  even  know  how  to  spell-
Quiche.  They like Twinkies, Coke and palate-scorching Szechwan food.-

Don't write applications programs.  They program  right  down  to  the-
bare metal.  Applications programs  are  for  dullards  who  can't  do-
systems programming.-

Don't write specs.  Users should be grateful for  whatever  they  get.-
They are lucky to get any program at all.-

Don't comment their code.  If it was hard to write, it should be  hard-
to understand and even harder to modify.-

Don't draw flowcharts.  Flowcharts are, after  all,  the  illiterate's-
form of documentation.  Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how much it  did-
for them.-

Don't read manuals.  Reliance on a reference  is  a  hallmark  of  the-
novice and the coward.-

Don't use Cobol.  Cobol is for wimpy applications programmers.-

Don't use Fortran.  Fortran is for  wimpy  engineers  who  wear  white-
socks pipe stress  freaks,  and  crystallography  weenies.   They  get-
excited over finite state analysis and nuclear reactor simulation.-

Don't use PL/I.  PL/I is for insecure momma's boys  who  can't  choose-
between Cobol and Fortran.-

Don't use LOGO .  In fact, *no* programmers use LOGO   after  reaching-
puberty.-

Don't use APL, unless the whole program can be written on one line.-

Don't use LISP.  Only  effemitate  programmers  use  more  parentheses-
than actual code.-

Dont use Pascal, Bliss, ADA  or  any  of  those  sissy-pinko  computer-
science languages.  Strong typing is a crutch  for  people  with  weak-
memories.-

Never work 9 to 5.  If any real  programmers  are  around  at  9  a.m.-
it's because they were up all night.-

Don't play tennis or any  other  sport  which  requires  a  change  of-
clothes.  Mountain climbing is ok, and  real  programmers  often  wear-
climbing boots to work in case a mountain should  suddenly  spring  up-
in the middle of the machine room.-

Disdain  structured  programming.   Structured  programming   is   for-
compulsive, prematurely toilet-trained  neurotics  who  wear  neckties-
and carefully line up sharpened pencils on  an  otherwise  uncluttered-
desk.-

Don't like the team programming concept.  Unless, of course, they  are-
the Chief Programmer.-

Have no use for managers.  Managers are a  necessary  evil.   Managers-

-Page
-are for dealing with personnel bozos, bean counters,  senior  planners-
and other mental defectives.-

Scorn floating point arithmetic.  The decimal point was  invented  for-
pansy bedwetters who are unable to "think big."-

Don't drive clapped-out Mavericks.   They  prefer  BMWs,  Lincolns  or-
pick-up  trucks  with  floor  shifts.   Fast  motorcycles  are  highly-
regarded.-

Don't believe in schedules.  Planners  make  up  schedules.   Managers-
"firm up" schedules.  Frightened  coders  strive  to  meet  schedules.-
Real programmers ignore schedules.-

Like vending machine popcorn.  Coders pop it in  the  microwave  oven.-
Real programmers use the heat given off by the  cpu.   They  can  tell-
what job is running just by listening to the rate of popping.-

Know every nuance of every instruction and use them all in every  real-
program.   Puppy  architects  won't  allow  execute  instructions   to-
address another execute as the target instruction.   Real  programmers-
despise such petty restrictions.-

Don't bring brown bag lunches to work.  If the vending  machine  sells-
it, they eat it.  If the vending machine doesn't sell it,  they  don't-
eat it.  Vending machines don't sell quiche.-


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