Сборники Художественной, Технической, Справочной, Английской, Нормативной, Исторической, и др. литературы.

The collection anecdote's 8

                            *  Tasteless Jokes *

The following are a collection of tasteless jokes that I have heard in my
travels.  Enjoy!

Where did the Challenger crew take their vacation?
All over Florida

What kind of wood doesn't float?
Natalie Wood

Natalie Wood did not shower the day of her death.  Her reason?
She wanted to wash up later on the beach

Why did Jessica Savitch's car sink to the bottom of the canal with her
in it?  
She was the anchor-woman

What did they find in Jessica Savitch's glove compartment when they
pulled the car from the canal?
Ted Kennedy's road maps

How did they find out Jeffrey Dahmer was a cigarette smoker?
They found a bunch of butts behind his couch

What is Jeffrey Dahmer's favorite line of clothing?
Dis-Members Only

Jeffrey Dahmer had his mother over for dinner when she suddenly said,
"You know, Jeffrey, I don't like your neighbors..."
Which he responded, "Just eat the vegetables then..."

How many Ethiopians can you fit in a phone booth?
All of them

What do you call an Ethiopian with a fur coat on?
A pipe cleaner

What do you call an Ethiopian walking a dog?
A caterer

Doctor: "Your wife either has Ahlzeimer's or AIDS."
Husband: "How can we find out which?"
Doctor: "I need you to run a little experiment this weekend.  Take
        your wife to a park and leave her there.  If she finds her
        way home; don't fuck her."

What does MAGIC stand for in Magic Johnson?
My Ass Got Infected Coach

How did David Copperfield catch AIDS?
He was playing with Magic (D.C. has never been reported as having AIDS)

When asked how his daughter does not have AIDS and he does, Magic Johnson
replied: "I used a condom".

Woman answers a knock at the door and is greeted with roses.
Her Girl Friend: "Who are they from?"
Woman: "My boyfriend; guess that means I'll have to keep my legs open
       all weekend"
Girl Friend: "Why not use a vase?"

Why do blondes wear panties?
To keep their ankles warm

Customer: "Waiter, is that Monk-fish blackened or broiled?"
Waiter: "Neither, its a fryer" (ba-da-boom)


                                   Sexual Jokes

         I read in this morning's paper that AIDS indeed can be transmitted
    via toilet seats...  It most frequently occurs when one sits down on one
    before the previous guy gets up!
         While on a picnic one day, Mae West fell asleep in a field where cows
    were grazing.  While she slept, one of the cows had managed to position
    itself so that its udder was directly over Mae's head.  Mae woke suddenly
    and saw the udder.  Still half asleep, Mae exclaimed, "Please boys, one at
    a time."
         One day a man was walking on the beach.  As he walked, he saw a girl
    sitting in a wheelchair, looking out at the ocean and sobbing
         Curious, he walked up to her and asked her what was wrong.  She
    sniffled, "I've never been kissed....uhhhwWAAAAHhh!!"
         He thought on this a moment, and then took her face gently in his
    hands and kissed her.
         The next week, he was walking on the beach again, and he saw the same
    girl sitting in the same spot, sobbing uncontrollably again.  He walked to
    her,and asked what was wrong now.  Through her tears, she stammered out,
    "I've never been fucked.....WAAhhhhhhhhhh!"
         He thought about that for a moment, and then picked her up lovingly
    in his arms.  He walks towards the ocean, and throws her in.  He yells
    after her: "There.  NOW YOU'RE FUCKED!!!!"
         A man was thrown out of a house of ill repute for complaining about
    the quality of service.  The manager told him "You don't have grounds for
    a complaint because you knew her name was Ill Wind when you came in here."
    (HINT: Old saying "It's an ill wind that blows nobody good.)
         Little Johnny was 12 years old, and like other boys his age, rather
    curious.  He had been hearing quite a bit about "courting" from the older
    boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done.
         One day he asked his mother, who instead of explaining things to
    Johnny, told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older
    sister and her boyfriend.  This he did.
         The following morning Johnny described everything to his mother: "Sis
    and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile.  Then he turned off most of
    the lights and started kissing and hugging her.  I figured she must be
    getting sick because her face started looking funny.  He must have thought
    so too, because be put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just
    like the doctor would.  Except he's not as smart as the doctor, because he
    seemed to have trouble finding her heart.  I guess he was getting sick
    too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out
    of breath.  His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her
    skirt.  About this time, Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and
    squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch.  This was when
    the fever started.  I know it was a fever, because Sis told him that she
    felt really hot.  Finally, I found out what was making them so sick, a big
    eel had gotten inside his pants somehow.  It jumped out of his pants and
    stood there, about ten inches long.  Honest!  Anyway, he grabbed it in one
    hand to keep it from getting away.  Then Sis saw it, she got really
    scared: her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open.  She started calling

                              Humor Digest - April 90

                                   Sexual Jokes

    out God and stuff like that.  She said it was the biggest one she's ever
    seen.  I should tell her about the ones down at the lake.  Anyway, Sis got
    brave and tried to kill the eel by biting it's head off.  All of a sudden
    she made a noise and let the eel go--I guess it bit her back.  Then she
    grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of
    his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting
    again.  Sis laid back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock
    on it and he helped by lying on top of it.  The eel put up a hell of a
    fight.  Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset
    the couch.  I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between
    them.  After a while, they both quit moving and gave a great sigh.  Her
    boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel.  I knew it was
    dead because it just hung there, limp, and some of it's insides were
    hanging out.  Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle,
    but they went back to "courting" again.  He started hugging and kissing
    her again.  By golly, the eel wasn't dead!!  It jumped straight up and
    started to fight again.  I guess eels are like cats; they have nine lives
    or something.  This time I knew they killed it because Sis's boyfriend
    peeled the skin off and flushed it down the toilet."
         A man and his wife went to the zoo.  While they were looking at the
    gorillas, a male gorilla grabs the wife, tears off her clothes and starts
    to rape her.
         She is terrified and screams to her husband, "John, help me!  What
    should I do?"
         Her husband yells back to her, "Tell him about your headaches, dear."
         Two gays were out hitchhiking on the freeway, and a man stops to pick
    them up.
         After travelling for a little while, the fag in the back asks the
    driver, "Hey, big guy, mind if I fart?" The driver responds,"No, go right
    a ahead."
         So the fag spreads his legs and lets it go.  'WOOOOOOOOSH!'
         A while later the fag in the front says, "Hey, cutie, mind if I fart
    too?" The driver goes, "Nah, it's fine with me." He lets it go.
         The driver then says, "Well, I'm sure you guys won't mind if I
    fart..." He spreads his legs and lets it rip.  'PPPPBBBBBBBLLLLL!'
         The two fags look and each other and say in unison, "VIRGIN!"
         There are these three guys.  One is one his way up a hill to get to
    the whore house, one is in the whore house and the third is on his way
    down the hill away from the whore house.
         What are the nationalities of the three guys?
         The guy on his way up the hill : Russian
         The guy on his way down the hill : Finnish
         And the guy in the whore house : Himalayan
         Two guys and a woman were on an island.  After 2 weeks the woman was
    so ashamed at what she was doing she killed herself by jumping out of a
         Two weeks later the 2 guys were so ashamed at what they were doing
    they buried her.
         Two weeks later they were so ashamed at what they were doing they dug

                              Humor Digest - April 90

                                   Sexual Jokes

    her back up.
         One day Red Riding Hood wanted to visit her grandma.  Her mom was
    worried and cautioned her about the wolf.  Little Red just smiled and
    patted her picnic basket, "Don't worry about me, Mom!"
         Sure enough she hadn't gone far when the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from
    behind a tree and said, "Ha, now I've got you Little Red Riding Hood, and
    I'm gonna fuck your butt raw!"
         Little Red calmly reached into her basket, pulled out a 44 magnum and
    said,"Oh no you don't, you son-of-a-bitch, you're going to eat me, just
    like in the story!!!"
         "Adam," the heavenly voice called to the Garden of Eden, "what did
    you and Eve do today?"
         "We ate some fruit, Lord," Adam said reverently.
         "Did you eat of the forbidden tree?" asked God.
         "Yes, Lord, we did," Adam confessed.
         "And then what did you do?" God asked.
         "We made mad, passionate love all afternoon."
         "Where is Eve now?" the Lord bellowed.
         "She's down at the brook washing herself out."
         "Oh, no," the Lord moaned, "I sure hope the fish aren't going to
    smell now!"
         This guy was staggering down the side of the highway with his keys in
    his hand held perpendicular to his stomach.
         A cop drove by and stopped to ask him, "Excuse me sir, are you
    looking for something?"
         The guy replied, "Yeah, I'm looking for my car."
         To this the cop inquired, "Well, where did you last leave it?"
         The guy answered, "At the end of these keys."
         Irate, the cop remarked, "Just look at you.  Not only are you in no
    condition to drive, but you're a mess: your shirt's undone, your tie's
    coming off,your buckle is unbuckled, your pants aren't zippered, and your
    penis is hanging out."
         The guy looked down and exclaimed, "Oh, I lost my girlfriend too!"
         Three school boys were discussing which way you enter heaven.
         The first boy said, "You enter with your hands first because you're
    praying to God as you go up."
         The second boy argued, "No, no.  You enter with your head first
    because you're thinking about God and God is in your mind."
         The third boy retorted, "No, no, no.  You enter with your feet
         Puzzled, the other two boys inquired, "Feet first?  How do you figure
         To which the boy replied, "Well, the other morning I walked in on
    mommy and daddy, and mommy had her feet way up in the air as she was
    screaming, 'OhGod, I'm coming!'"
         There was this drunk who said to the bartender, "I want a woman!" so
    the bartender gave him directions to a place.
         The drunk was so messed up that he couldn't remember where the
    bartender told him to go.  So he accidently walks into a Foot doctor's

                              Humor Digest - April 90

                                   Sexual Jokes

         The lady at the counter asks, "Can I help you?"
         The Drunk says,"Yes, I want some service."
         So the lady replies, "Go in the other room and put it on the table."
    So the drunk goes and puts his dick on the table.
         The lady comes in and says, "That's not a foot!"
         The drunk replies, "Give it time, lady, Give it time."
         The young girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on
    her first visit home since starting college.
         "Mom, I have to tell you," the girl confessed, "I lost my virginity
    last weekend."
         "I'm not surprised," said her mother, "it was bound to happen sooner
    or later.  I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable experience."
         "Well, yes and no," the pretty student remarked, "the first eight
    guys felt great, but after them my pussy got real sore."
         Abbie and Patrick grew up together but hadn't seen each other since
    leaving high school.  Patrick had become a priest and Abbie a rabbi.  One
    day Abbie went to visit his old friend.  They were having a great time
    talking over old times when Father Patrick remembered that he had to hear
    confession.  He asked Abbie to come along and see how it was done.
         Soon after they were seated in the confessional, there came a tap at
    the little window.  A voice from the other side said, "Father forgive me,
    for I have sinned.  I had sex with two men last week." Father Patrick
    responded with, "Say ten Hail Mary's and put five dollars in the poor box
    and your sins will be forgiven."
         Shortly thereafter another knock and another voice saying, "Father
    forgive me.  I had sex twice last week with my boyfriend." Again Father
    Patrick responded with, "Say ten Hail Mary's and put five dollars in the
    poor box and your sins will be forgiven."
         Abbie asked Patrick if it would be all right to try one himself.
    Patrick told him to take the next one.
         Soon a knock came and a voice said, "Father forgive me, my boyfriend
    and I had sex once last week." Abbie replied, "Well, go out and do it
    again.  We're running a special this week.  Two for five dollars."
         A young bull and an old bull were standing on a hill looking down at
    a herd of cows in the field below.
         The young bull, getting a little horny at the thought of all those
    cows, said to the old bull, "Lets run down there and stick it to a few of
    those cows."
         The older, and wiser, bull replied, "Why don't we just walk down and
    stick it to them ALL."
         The BMW slips by the radar control post, quickly the officer pulls
    onto the road for a quick on the fly speed check.
         The BMW is driving oddly, every now and then, it slows, veers to the
    side and speeds up again.
         Curious by now, the officer advances to the BMW, and notices a male
    driver and his female companion engaged in some activity besides driving.
         Suddenly, the BMW veers of the side of the road, hits a tree and
    slides to a halt.  In the process the girl is flung from the car and
    crushed against a cliff.  The seatbelted driver stays with the car.

                              Humor Digest - April 90

                                   Sexual Jokes

         The officer rushes to the girl only to find that she is beyond help.
    He then runs to the BMW where the driver is moaning and bent over.  The
    officer says: "Hey fella I got some bad news for you, your friend didn't
    make it through the crash."
         The driver keeps moaning saying "I'm ruined, ruined and it's all on
    account of that bitch!"
         The officer says again: "Look fella, I don't know why you feel so bad
    for yourself but your ladyfriend has just brought the farm!"
         The driver moans back, "Dammit officer, I'd rather be in her place;
    didn't you see what she had in her hand?"
         This guy wanted to get a tatoo, but in a place that wasn't usually
    visible to everyone, so he decided to get it put on his penis.
         This guy had a girlfriend named Wendy, and that's what he wanted the
    tatoo to say.  So off he went to the tatoo place.
         When he arrived at the tatoo parlor, he told the tattooist where he
    wanted the tatoo, and what he wanted it to say.  Of course the tatoo had
    to be put on while this guys penis was erect, so it would spell out
    'Wendy' when it was erect.
         A few days later the guy was in a restaurant bathroom taking a piss,
    and saw that the guy in the next stall also had a tatoo on his penis, and
    he saw that the tatoo started with the letters 'W' and ended with the
    letter 'Y'.
         He said "HEY!  You must have a girl friend named Wendy too huh?" (as
    he showed his tatoo to the guy)
         The other guy replied "Hell NO!  Mine says 'Welcome to Jamaica...
    and have a nice day'"
         There was this 97 year old guy that just married a young girl.
         Well, after a few weeks of having a non-sexual relationship, his wife
    got pissed off.  The 97 year old guy couldn't get it up.
         So he went to his doctor about his problem.  The doctor said "Sorry,
    can't help you."
         So the 97 year old guy went to this Indian medicine man and told him
    about his problem.  The medicine man said that he had a potion that would
    allow him to get a hard-on 3 times, but after the third time, he would
    die.  The 97 year old man said ok because he was probably gonna die after
    having sex with his wife anyway as he was so old.  The 97 year old drank
    the potion, and drove home.
         On the way home, he decided to try to see if the potion worked.  To
    make his dick hard, he had to say "BEEP", and to make his dick normal, he
    was to say "BEEP BEEP".  So he said BEEP, and sure enough, his dick popped
    up-WHAMO!  He said wow!  This is neat!  He said BEEP BEEP to make it go
    back down, and it did.
         Well along the way home he BEEPed at a dog in the road, and his dick
    went up as hard as a rock again.  SO he said BEEP BEEP, and it went back
         When he got home he ran in his house, and said honey, QUICK!  Get
    onto the bed, I'm gonna screw you!  He said BEEP for his last time,
    knowing that he would die after it went down.  Well his wife said, "What
    with this BEEP BEEP shit?"
         When the Germans occupied France, Hitler ordered all his troops to
    rape the native women and, when finished, say, "In nine months you will

                              Humor Digest - April 90

                                   Sexual Jokes

    have a child.  You may name it Adolph Hitler.  Heil Hitler!"
         Well, Hans was not the type who went for this kind of thing, but
    pressure from his superior officer made him go seeking a nice French
         When he found one to his liking, he overpowered her, had his way, and
    announced, "In nine months you will have a child.  You may name it Adolph
    Hitler.  Heil Hitler!"
         The girl then replied, "In nine days you will have a rash.  You may
    call it herpes.  Vive la France!"
         Barbara Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of American
         After a tour of the reservation they were on she wondered why there
    was a difference in the number of feathers in the braves headdresses.
         She asked one brave, who had one feather in his headdress.  His reply
    was, "Me have only one squaw, me have only one feather."
         She asked another brave feeling that the first fellow was only
    joking.  This brave, who had four feathers in his headdress replied, "UGH,
    me have four feathers because me sleep with four squaws."
         Still not convinced she decided to interview the chief.  Now the
    chief had a headdress full of feathers which needless to say amused Ms.
    Walters.  She asked the chief, "Why do have so many feathers in your
         The chief pounded his chest and said, "Me chief, me fuck'em all, BIG
    small, fat, tall, me fuck'em all!"
         Horrified, Ms.  Walters stated, "You ought to be hung!"
         The chief replies, "You damned right me hung; big like buffalo, long
    like snake."
         Ms.  Walters CRIED, "You don't have to be so damn HOSTILE!"
         The chief replied, "Hoss style, dog style, wolf style, any style, ME
         With tears in her eyes Ms.  Walters cries, "OH DEAR!"
         The chief said, "NO DEER, me fuck no deer, asshole to high, the
    fuckers run to fast!  NO FUCK DEER!"
         A little boy holds out his hand and says, "I've got two pennies."
         The little girl he's talking to says, "Well I've got three pennies."
         The boy says, "I've got 5 marbles."
         "I have 8 marbles," replies the girl.
         The boy pulls down his pants and points to his penis and says, "I've
    got one of these..."
         The little girl lifts up her skirt, points to her vagina and says:
    "Well I've got one of these.  And with this, I can get all of that
    (pointing to the boys genitals) that I want!"
         A mother went to the doctor to get a prescription for the pill.
         He said that she was a bit old to be taking it, but she replied, "Oh,
    doctor, it relaxes me!"
         The doctor responded, "But you know what the purpose of the pill is,
    don't you?!"
         She replied, "Yes doctor, but my daughter dates, and every morning I
    drop one into her orange juice, and believe me, I feel relaxed."

                              Humor Digest - April 90

                                   Ethnic Jokes

         Two Polish hunters were riding along in their car when they saw a
    left turn sign that said BEAR LEFT.
         So they went home.
         A motorist driving along a country road in Georgia, came upon the
    scene of an accident.  A bus full of blacks had hit a tree, split open,
    and strewn dead bodies all over the place.
         The motorist, realizing he couldn't be of any help, rushed to the
    nearest town and reported the accident to the sheriff.
         When the sheriff returned to the scene he found the bus but no blacks
    were to be seen anywhere.  Seeing a farmer plowing a field nearby, the
    sheriff went to talk to him.
         "Do you know anything about the accident?" the sheriff asked.
         The redneck replied, "Yeah, I saw the whole thing."
         The sheriff asked, "Were are the people?"
         The redneck replied, "I buried them."
         The sheriff asked, "Weren't any of them alive?"
         The redneck replied, "Well sheriff, some said that they was, but you
    know you can't believe anything them black boys say!"
         An Israeli was sitting between two Arabs on a long airplane flight.
    He had just removed his shoes and gotten comfortable when one of the Arabs
    nudged him and said,"Hey, Jew, go get us some orange juice." To avoid any
    trouble, the Israeli did so.  When he left, both Arabs spat into his
         The Israeli came back with the juice, which the Arabs gulped down.
    The rest of the flight was uneventful.  The plane landed, and the Israeli
    put on his shoes and felt the squishing inside.  He turned to the Arabs
    and said,"If there is ever going to be peace in the Middle East, the Arabs
    will have to stop spitting in the shoes of Jews, and the Jews will have to
    stop pissing in the Arabs' orange juice."
         A white boy and a black boy were discussing what color God was.
    Since their argument was getting nowhere, the white boy decided, "I'll
    tell you what: tonight when I go to bed and pray to God, I'll ask him what
    color he is." And the black boy was thrilled with the idea.
         So, later that night, as the white boy was praying, he asked, "God,
    what color are you?" This big thunderous voice answered, "I AM WHAT I AM!"
    And the white boy went to bed with a big triumphant smile on his face.
         The next day at school, the black boy came running to him asking,
    "Well, did you ask him?  What did he say?"
         The white boy replied, "Yep, and he's white."
         Black boy: "Oh yeah?  What did he say exactly?"
         White boy: "He said, 'I am what I am.'"
         Black boy: "I am what I am?  That doesn't tell you what color he is."
         White boy: "It SURE does; if he was black, he would have said, 'I is
    what I is.'"
         This northerner was driving through Georgia one rainy night when he
    hits these 2 blacks who were walking along side the road.
         When the sheriff shows up, the guy explains, "Geez I didn't see 'em

                              Humor Digest - April 90

                                   Ethnic Jokes

    Sir, it was totally unavoidable!!"
         The Ole Sheriff looks around sees one guy is all busted up and got
    his head through the windshield, the other guy is off in a tree in an
    adjacent field.
         So the Sheriff says "No Problem, well charge this one with Breakin' &
    Enterin' and that one with leavin' the scene of an accident!"
         There was a Scotsman and a moron out hunting, when out of the bushes
    emerges the most beautiful lady the old Scot had ever seen.
         He calmly asked her: "Are ye game, Lass?"
         To wit, she nodded, and they disappeared into the bushes for a lovely
    game of bump and tickle.
          The moron stood there with slackened jaw pondering the situation
    when just as suddenly, there appeared another comely female with a coy
    look on her face.
         The moron screwed up his courage and asked her: "D-uh, are you game?"
         She nodded her head; so he took aim and shot her.
         These two alligators, one a runt the other a giant, meet in a swamp
    and stop to chat.
     Runt:  "Hey, how did you get so big?"
    Giant:  "I eat NIGGERS."
     Runt:  "So do I but look how small I am!"
    Giant:  "Well what do you do to the 'em?"
     Runt:  "Well, I beat the shit out of 'em then down the hatch they go."
    Giant:  "No wonder!  If you beat the shit out of them, all you have left
            is skin, lip, and sneakers!"
         A man stops at a bar to get a quickly and ties his dog outside.  As
    he was drinking, a black man walks in, and they start talking.
    Black:  "Hey you, is dat your dog out der?"
      Man:  "Yes." Black: "Well she's in heat!"
      Man:  "No, that's not possible, I tied her up in the shade."
    Black:  "No man, she's hungry for it!"
      Man:  "I don't think so, I fed her this morning."
    Black:  "Man!  Let me say it straight.  Your dog needs to be FUCKED!"
      Man:  "Go ahead!  I always wanted a coon-dog!"
         The mayor of New York offered a million dollars to anyone who could
    rid the city of pigeons.  After two weeks, a man called city hall and
    agreed to do it so the mayor met him on the Brooklyn bridge at noon the
    following day.  The man arrived with nothing but a pink pigeon, and at
    precisely noon, let the bird fly free.
         Within minutes all of the pigeons in New York city were following the
    bird.  The man then whistled, and the pink pigeon flew back, dove into the
    water, and drowned itself.  To the mayor's amazement, the rest of the
    pigeons followed, and drowned in the river.  The mayor was so pleased that
    he not only paid the man $1 million, but also gave him a two hundred
    thousand dollar bonus.
         After paying the man, the mayor asked, "You don't happen to have any
    pink Puerto Ricans, do you?"
         Elmo was a real looser when it came to women.  He was ugly and had a
    horrible physique which instigated mountains of laughter from passing

                              Humor Digest - April 90

                                   Ethnic Jokes

         Elmo asked his friend Scott (a real stud) for help.
         "Just do what I do," said Scott, "Simply place an apple in your
    bathing shorts, and walk around the swimming club.  Women go nuts!  It
    works for me!"
         So Elmo tried it.  But to his bitter disappointment, when the women
    saw him, they laughed at him even harder than before.
         Elmo went back to Scott and complained that this method didn't work
    for him.
         "Show me what you did," Scott said.  Elmo put the apple in his
    bathing shorts.
         "You idiot!," Scott howled, "You're supposed to put the apple in the
    FRONT of your shorts!"

                              Humor Digest - April 90

                                    Gross Jokes

         Little Johnny was asked by his school teacher to write a report about
    a "scientific experiment" he could perform and tell his fellow students
         Little Johnny was in a real quandary about what sort of "experiment"
    he could write and tell about.  Then, as he was walking home from school
    he spotted his "experiment", a grasshopper.
         Little Johnny walked over to the grasshopper, and the grasshopper was
    just sitting still, quietly, minding his own business.  Little Johnny
    ordered, "Jump!" The grasshopper jumped 35 feet!  Little Johnny wrote down
    some notes, "Grasshopper jumped 35 feet with BOTH legs."
         Then Little Johnny caught up to the grasshopper, tore off one of his
    legs, and ordered "Jump!" The grasshopper still managed to jump 25 feet
    (with ONLY one leg) Little Johnny wrote more notes, "Grasshopper jumped 25
    feet with ONE leg."
         So, Little Johnny caught up to the grasshopper again, and tore off
    his other leg, and again ordered, "Jump!" The grasshopper just sat there.
         Little Johnny again ordered, "Jump!" And, of course, the grasshopper
    just sat there.
         Little Johnny wrote in his notes, "When you tear BOTH legs off a
    grasshopper it goes DEAF."
         A guy on an airplane desperately has to use the toilet, but the men's
    is occupied.  The flight attendant gives him the okay to use the ladies
    toilet but warns him not to push any of the buttons that say W-W, W-A, P-P
    or A-T-R.
         Once the man gets inside, his curiosity gets the best of him so he
    presses the W-W button...  a squirt of warm water wets his behind.
    "Hmmm," he says to himself, "not bad." He goes ahead and presses the W-A
    button and gets a little burst of warm air on his behind.  Of course he
    couldn't resist pressing the P-P button and a powder puff comes out and
    puts perfumed powder on his behind.
         He says to himself, "Gee, these women really have it made, this is
         He then pushes the A-T-R button and next thing he realizes he wakes
    up in a hospital.  He looks up at the nurse and asks, "What am I doing
    here, did we crash or something?"
         The nurse smiles and replies, "It seems you pushed the Automatic
    Tampon Removal button.  By the way, if you're looking for your dick, it's
    under your pillow."
         A guy is out ice-fishing on a frozen lake.  Saws a hole in the ice,
    drops his line and waits.  Nothing happens.
         Another guy is ice fishing just a few yards away, and has a nice pile
    of fish stacked beside him.  First guy waits patiently.  Nothing happens.
         Second guy reels in a fish every minute or so and stacks it beside
         Finally, in frustration the first guy walks over to the second and
    asks him, "Say, I notice you've got quite a few fish there, and I haven't
    gotten a nibble.  Mind if I ask you the secret of your success?"
         Second guy looks up with a funny expression on his face and mumbles
    something with his mouth closed that is totally incoherent.
         First guy says, "I didn't quite catch that.  Do you think you could
    repeat it?"

                              Humor Digest - April 90

                                    Gross Jokes

         Second guy makes more closed-mouth mumbling sounds.
         "I'm sorry, I really can't understand you.  Do you think you could
    talk a little more clearly?"
         Second guy cups his hand and spits a big wad of what looks like
    chewing tobacco into his hand.  Looks up at the first guy and says very
    plainly, "Keep your worms warm."
         What's the most disgusting think you can think of?

         Siamese twins.
         Joined at the mouth.
         One of them has to throw-up!
         A well dressed lawyer went into a bar for a martini and found himself
    beside a scrungy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in
    his hand.
         The lawyer leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to
    the light, slurring "Well, it looks like plastic." Then he rolled it
    between his fingers, adding, "But it feels like rubber."
         Curious, the lawyer asked, "What do you have there mister?"
         The drunk stammered, "Damn if I know, but it looks like plastic and
    feels like rubber."
         The lawyer said,"Let me take a look." So the drunk handed it over.
         The lawyer rolled it between his thumb and fingers, then examined it
    closely.  "Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but I
    don't know what it is.  Where did you get it anyway?"
         The drunk replied, "Outa my nose."
         There was this guy who stopped off for a beer.  However, just as the
    bartender put the beer on the bar, there was a loud disturbance outside.
    The guy ran out to see what was going on but soon went back to drink his
         When he got back he found his glass empty and a note saying "Thanks
    for the beer!" He was a little ticked-off but ordered another beer
         Again, just as the bartender put the beer down a loud crash was heard
    in the street.  Thinking that someone ran into his parked car, the guy
    runs outside to check on things.  Seeing that his car was okay he returned
    to the bar and again found his glass empty and another note that said
    "Thanks again, this was as good as the first one."
         Well the guy still hadn't had a beer to quench his thirst, so he
    ordered another.  Just as the bartender put the beer down, a series of
    shots were heard outside.  This time the guy wasn't going to lose his beer
    to anybody.  So he spit into the beer and left a note saying "Enjoy, I
    just spit into the beer." He then ran outside to see what had happened.
         When he returned he was delighted to find that his beer was just
    where he left it.  However this time the note said "You enjoy, I spit in
    it too!"
         There were 2 statues, one a nude man the other a nude woman, located
    in the center of a park.
         A fairy Godmother was flying around when she noticed the pair.
         Having great pity she changed them into humans, and they immediately
    ran off into the bushes.  Leaves and branches were flying everywhere.

                              Humor Digest - April 90

                                    Gross Jokes

         They emerged about an hour later and the man said to the woman, "All
    right, you hold them pigeons and I'll shit on 'em!!"
         A woman and a zoo keeper were at the zoo watching the monkeys eat.
         The woman noticed a very strange monkey.  This monkey would peal a
    banana and then run it in and out of his ass several times before he would
    eat it.  The woman kept watching and every banana the monkey would eat, he
    would shove it up his ass several times before eating it.
         The woman asked the zoo keeper,"Why is that monkey doing that?"
         The zoo keeper replied, "About a month ago someone threw him a
    peach.  He swallowed the peach and when he shit the peach pit it ripped
    his asshole open.  Now he likes to test fit everything before he eats it.

                              Humor Digest - April 90

                                    Clean Jokes

         Father Pat and Father Mike were riding down the highway with Father
    Pat at the wheel.  Mileage was being ticked off pretty well when suddenly
    a little rabbit jumped up onto the highway right in front of the car.
    Father Pat did everything he could to miss the little bunny, he wrenched
    the wheel around, jammed on the brakes, and almost tipped the car over
    with his maneuvers, but to no avail; the rabbit was hit before the car
    could be stopped.
         Both priests jumped out of the car, ran back to the rabbit to see if
    there was anything that could be done, but alas, it appeared that the
    rabbit was gone.
         Father Pat pulled a bottle out of his pocket, sprinkled a few drops
    of the liquid on the rabbit, and instantly it jumped up and started waving
         Father Mike looked at Father Pat and said, "It's a miracle!"
         The rabbit stood there and continued to wave at them.  Since it
    appeared that nothing else was needed, the two priests returned to the
    car, and Father Pat continued down the road.
         Father Mike kept looking out the back window and, for as long as he
    could see the rabbit, it was still standing there and waving.
         When the rabbit was out of sight, Father Mike sat back and considered
    the sequence of events.  Finally he said, "Father Pat, just what was in
    that bottle?"
         In response, Father Pat pulled the bottle out of his pocket once more
    and handed it to Father Mike who read the label:
         "Hair Restorer with Permanent Wave"
         When my wife and I first came to California, we couldn't decide what
    the name of the valley was.  We tried several pronunciations, none of
    which we agreed on.  Eventually, this turned into a heated argument and a
    near breakup.
         It was our good fortune that we pulled into the valley and pulled
    into the first fast food place we could find.  We went into the eatery and
    sat down.
         I promptly went over to the counter and said to the sales boy, "My
    wife and I cannot agree on how you say the name of this place.  Could you
    please speak slowly, and pronounce correctly the name of this place?"
         The boy was very pleased to comply.  He smiled as he leaned forward,
    and said: "D-a-i-r-y Q-u-e-e-n."
         There was a travelling salesman one day passing through a rural area
    when he happened upon a chicken with four legs running across the road.
         Bewildered, he followed it into a yard where a farmer was sitting in
    a rocker, chewing on a weed.
         Said the salesman, "Did you breed these chickens?" To which the
    farmer replied, "Yup."
         The salesman asked the farmer if he had considered marketing the
    chickens what with their increased drumstick yield.
         The farmer replied, "Yup I did, but I haven't even been able to catch
    one of the damn things yet!"
         A guy at work finds out that he has just won the six million dollar
    jackpot in the state lottery.  Immediately he calls home to tell his
    wife.  "Honey," he says, "I just won the lottery, pack your bags!"

                              Humor Digest - April 90

                                    Clean Jokes

         "What should I pack for the trip, summer or winter clothes?" she
         "I don't care, as long as you're not home when I get there."
         This computer sales man had never been out of the city of New york.
    He was such a crackerjack salesman that eventually the boss promoted him
    to upstate Michigan.  He was slightly scared because he did not know how
    to react to anything but concrete, but finally agreed.  As he drove out of
    the city he marveled at the many sights and sounds of the country.  Near
    Benton Harbor he saw a farmer standing at the rear of a cow.
         Curious he stopped and leaned over the fence to get a better look.
    Of all the things he had seen (birds, bees, flowers, and other new things)
    this was the most interesting.
         The farmer called over to him and said, "Would you help me pull this
    calf, neighbor?"
         The salesman agreed and after 15 minutes of hard sweaty work the calf
    was out on the ground and being cleaned by the cow.  The farmer thanked
    him for his help.
         The salesman looked around for a minute before he spoke, "I only have
    one question.  How fast was that calf going when it hit the cow?"
         The Lone Ranger and Tonto found themselves surrounded by thousands of
    hostile Apaches.
         The masked man turned to his sidekick and said, "Well, old friend, it
    looks like we're done for."
         Tonto replied, "What you mean 'WE', paleface?"
         Larry wasn't feeling too well, so he went to the doctor for a
    checkup.  The doctor did some tests and told Larry that when the test
    results came back from the lab he would call him and let him know what was
         A few days went by and Larry got a call from the doctor.
         "Well," said the doctor, "I have some good news and some bad news."
         Larry said, "Tell me the good news first."
         "O.K.," said the doctor.  "The GOOD news is that you have 24 hours to
         "If that's the good news," yells Larry, "then what's the bad news?"
         "The BAD news is, I called to tell you yesterday, but you didn't
    answer the phone."
         Three big game hunters were sitting in a posh country club.
         The first guy says, "I think it's spelled W-H-O-O-M-M-B."
         The second hunter says, "NO NO, that's not right, it's spelled
         The third guy says, I belive it is spelled W-O-O-O-M."
         About this time a cocktail waitress comes over after overhearing the
    conversation and states: You men are all wrong!  The correct spelling is
    W-O-M-B." With that she stalks away muttering.
         The first hunter looks at the other two in amazement, and says, "What
    do you know?  She's heard an elephant fart too!"
         A kid had been bugging his dad for a pony.  Finally his dad brought
    him home a chemestry set and said "Look son, I can't afford to get you a
    pony right now.  Play with this set and maybe one day you can have a

                              Humor Digest - April 90

                                    Clean Jokes

         About a week later, the father was getting home from work and he saw
    his kid driving worms into the ground with a hammer.
         "Son," the father asks, "how in the world did you make those worms
    stiff enough to drive in the ground like that?"
         "Well", said the kid, "I just mixed up a formular with this set you
    gave me and it makes limber things hard as a rock!"
         His dad said: "Give me that formula and you get your pony!!"
         Two hunters, Jake and Bill, were out hunting deer in the mountains.
    Ol' Jake told Bill he had to go, so he went behind some bushes.  A few
    seconds later Ol' Jake starts screaming.  Bill ran behind the bushes to
    see what was going on.  Ol'Jake yells at him," I've just been bitten on
    the head of my pecker by a rattlesnake!!!" Bill told Jake to lay down and
    he would go get a doc.  So Bill jumped into the truck and headed for town,
    5 miles away.  He found the doctor's office, rushed in, and yelled for the
    doctor.  The doctor came out of the back room and asked Bill what the
    commotion was all about.  Bill told the doctor that Ol` Jake got bit by a
    rattlesnake and that he needed to take the doctor back up to the mountains
    with him.  The doctor told him that he couldn't go because he was the only
    doctor for over a hundred miles and that he had to deliver a baby.  But he
    told Bill what to do.  He said," What you do is make two small incisions
    over the bite wounds and suck the poison out.  You should be able to get
    Jake down here safely then." Bill jumped into the pickup truck and headed
    back up the mountain.  When he got to the campsite, Ol' Jake said,"Bill,
    what did the doctor say?"
         Bill looked sadly at Jake and said, "HE SAID YOU'RE GONNA DIE!!!"

                              Humor Digest - April 90

                                    Other Jokes

         Little Johnny was sitting in the church yard rolling this bottle of
    liquid back and forth watching the bubbles in it.
         The Priest walked up and said,"What'cha got in the bottle Johnny?"
         Little Johnny replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the
         The Priest thought about this for a second or two and said, "But
    Johnny, the most powerful liquid in the world is holy water.  Why, did you
    know that if you put holy water on a pregnant woman's belly, she will pass
    a boy every time!"
         Little Johnny cocked his head, looked up at the priest, and sneered,
    "Big Deal!  This is turpentine, and if I put this on a cat's ass, he'll
    pass a Harley Davidson!"

                              Humor Digest - April 90

                                 Sexual One-Liners

    Q: Is it better to be born a black or a homosexual?

    A: A black because you don't have to hide it from your parents.
    Q: What do you get when you cross a black with a homosexual Eskimo?

    A: A snowblower that doesn't work.
    Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?

    A: Because they don't have balls to scratch!
    Q: What are an Elephant's sex organs?

    A: It's feet : If it steps on you you're fucked!
    Q: Why did the young girl give up bowling for sex?

    A: Because the balls are lighter and she didn't have to change her shoes.
    Q: What's green and smells like pork?

    A: Kermit's finger.
    Q: What's the definition of a lesbian?

    A: Another woman trying to do a mans job.
    Q: Why do women have more problems with hemhroids?

    A: Because God made man the perfect hole.
    Q: Why did God invent women?

    A: Because sheep can't cook.
    Q: Why are the Rams changing their name to the TAMPONS?

    A: They're only good for 1 period and they have no second string.
    Q: Did you know that men come in three sizes?

    A: Small, Large, & OH MY GOD!
    Q: How do they separate the men from the boys in Greece?

    A: Use a crowbar!
    Q: Why can't "Miss Piggy" count up to one hundred?

    A: Because when she gets to sixty-nine, she gets a FROG in her throat.
    Q: Do you know why they haven't found a cure for AIDS yet?

                              Humor Digest - April 90

                                 Sexual One-Liners

    A: They can't find two white mice that will butt fuck each other.
    Q: What 2 things in the air can get a woman pregnant?

    A: Her legs!
    Q: Where does virgin wool come from?

    A: Ugly sheep.
    Q: What do a priest and a christmas tree have in common?

    A: The balls are just for decoration.
    Q: What do you call a lesbian in an igloo?

    A: A Klondike.
    Q: What do fat girls and mopeds have in common?

    A: Their both fun to ride until a friend sees you.
    Q: What does the bottom of a Coke bottle say on the planet Lesbos?

    A: 'Use Other End

                              Humor Digest - April 90

                                 Ethnic One-Liners

    Q: Why do blacks keep chickens?

    A: To teach their kids how to walk.
    Q: What do you get when you cross a black with a Sioux indian?

    A: A boy named Sue.
    Q: Why don't blacks like blow jobs?

    A: They don't like any jobs.
    Q: What do you call a black lady with braces?

    A: A Black and Decker pecker wrecker.
    Q: What's the most confusing day in Harlem?

    A: Fathers day.
    Q: Did you hear that the KKK bought the movie rights to Roots?

    A: They're going to play it backwards so it has a happy ending.
    Q: Why do black people smell?

    A: So blind people can hate them too.
    Q: What's black and crispy and comes on a stick?

    A: Joan of Arc.
    Q: How does God make Puerto Ricans?

    A: By sandblasting blacks.
    Q: What's the definition of black foreplay?

    A: Yelling: "Don't scream or I'll kill you."
    Q: What do you get when you cross a black with a groundhog?

    A: Six more weeks of basketball season.
    Q: Why do blacks wear white gloves?

    A: So they won't bite their fingers when they're eating tootsie rolls.
    Q: Why do Jews have big noses?

    A: Because the air is free!
    Q: What's the difference between a Jew and a canoe?

                              Humor Digest - April 90

                                 Ethnic One-Liners

    A: A canoe tips!
    Q: How was copper wire invented?

    A: Two Jews were fighting over a penny.
    Q: If Tarzan and Jane were Jewish, what would cheetah be?

    A: A fur coat.
    Q: What is a Jewish American Princess' idea of natural childbirth?

    A: Absolutely no makeup.
    Q: Why don't pygmies wear tampons?

    A: They keep stepping on the string.
    Q: What do you get when you cross a Jewish American Princess with a

    A: A computer that never goes down on you.
    Q: Why are Jewish men circumcized?

    A: Jewish women won't buy anything that isn't 20% off.
    Q: What do you call a Phillipino contortionist?

    A: A Manilla folder.
    Q: Did you hear about the Polish lesbian?

    A: She loved men.
    Q: Did you hear about the Pollack who heard that all accidents happen
       within a 1-mile radius of your house?

    A: He moved!
    Q: Did you hear about the Pollack who locked his keys in his car?

    A: It took him an hour to get his family out!
    Q: How do you babysit a black baby?

    A: Lick its lips and stick it to the wall.
    Q: You throw an Iranian, a Libyian, and a Palestinian off the roof of the
       Empire State Building.  Who hits the ground first??

    A: WHO CARES!!!

                              Humor Digest - April 90

                                 Ethnic One-Liners

    Q: What do you get when you cross a Mexican and a pig?

    A: Nothing.  There are some things even a pig won't do.
    Q: What are two japs in a car called?

    A: The gooks of hazard.
    Q: What's the difference bewteen a Jew and a pizza?

    A: Pizza's don't scream when you put them in the oven!
    Q: What's so great about the new German microwave oven?

    A: It seats twenty-five.
    Q: Did you hear about the new Chinese-German restaurant?

    A: The food is great, but an hour after you eat, you're hungry for power.
    Q: What's the definition of an Italian virgin?

    A: A girl who can outrun her brother.
    Q: Whats the difference between a fairy tale, and a war story?

    A: A fairy tale starts out with "Once upon a time...", while a war story
       starts out with "No shit, this really happened..."
    Q: Do you know what you get when a Dozen Blacks parachute out of an
       airplane and their shutes fail to open?

    A: A Parking Lot.
    Q: Why don't they have the Olympics in Mexico?

    A: Because anyone who can run, jump, or swim is already over here.
    Q: What is the difference between Jello and a Jewish American Princess?

    A: The jello moves when you eat it!
    Q: What's the difference between white fairy tales, and black fairy tales?

    A: White fairy tales start out "Once upon a time..."  And black fairy
       tales start out "Yo' motherfuckers ain't gonna believe this shit..."
    Q: What's a Jewish dilemma?

    A: Free ham.

                              Humor Digest - April 90

                                 Clean One-Liners

    Q: How do you tell if you have bad acne?

    A: The blind try to read your face.
    Q: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

    A: He was dead.
    Q: What king of tires does a Delorean have?

    A: Snow tires.

                              Humor Digest - April 90

                                 Gross One-Liners

    Q: Why do farts smell?

    A: So the deaf can enjoy them too.
    Q: Why do gorillas have big nostrils.

    A: They have big fingers.
    Q: Why does Helen Keller have yellow legs?

    A: Her dog is blind too.
    Q: Why did a guy call his dog HERPES?

    A: Because he wouldn't heel.
    Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

    A: To show the possum it could be done!
    Q: What's grosser the gross?

    A: When you're eating rump roast for dinner and it farts!
    Q: What is John Lennon doing these days?

    A: Decomposing.
    Q: What will it take to get the Beatles back together?

    A: Three more bullets.

                              Humor Digest - April 90

                            UnCategorized Sexual Stuff

         Our friend "RobbieRubber" provides us with the following advice:

    1.  Cover your stump before you hump.
    2.  Before you attack her, wrap your wacker.
    3.  Don't be silly, protect your willie.
    4.  Before you blast her, gaurd your bushmaster.
    5.  Don't be a loner, cover your boner.
    6.  When in doubt, shroud your sprout.
    7.  You can't go wrong if you shield your dong.
    8.  If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey.
    9.  Before you bag her, sheath your dagger.
    10. It'll be sweeter if you wrap your peter.
    11. She won't get sick if you cap your dick.
    12. If you go into heat, package that meat.
    13. Never deck her with an unwrapped pecker.
    14. Especially in December, gift-wrap your member.
    15. There's still cunnilingus with a shielded dingus, but she'll pass
        on fellatio if you've wrapped up Horatio.
    16  Don't be a fool, Vulcanize your tool.
    17. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil.
    18. A crank with armor will never harm her.
    19. The right selection?  Sack that erection!
                                Penis Length Survey

         Men are notorious liars about their penis length, so I have devised
    the following foolproof test.

    1.  Disrobe and stand by your keyboard.  Rest your left testicle in the
    rounded hollow on top of the "1" key.  Rest your right testicle in the key
    immediately below that (the Q key on a standard keyboard, probably
    something different on the Dvorak keyboard.  You lumberjacks may have to
    use the A or even the Z key.)

    2.  Grasp your *thing* in your right hand and slap it firmly across the
    number key row on your keyboard.  (For instance, my result is
    "1234567890-" the backspace key removes the =.)

    3.  Place a copy of the June, 1981 Playboy open to the centerfold at a
    distance of 2.5 feet.  Rest your *thing* on the keyboard and stare
    intently at the girl pictured for five minutes or until your feet leave
    the ground.  Repeat the above test.


    1.  Do not attempt this test after swimming.  You will skew the results.

    2.  Black men may wish to use a special extended keyboard; or place two
    keyboards end to end.

    3.  If you try this test on a public keyboard, you may want to swab it
    down with alchohol first.

                              Humor Digest - April 90

                            UnCategorized Sexual Stuff

    4.  On some keyboards, severe sparking may result.  Be sure to keep a
    fire extinguisher handy, an DON'T BE AFRAID TO USE IT.

    5.  Remember, Larry Bud Melman is not an attorney.

    Incidentally, this test can also be used to diagnose some genital

      If Your Test Looks
      Like This:             Then:

      1                      You suffer from Short Penis Syndrome

      12367                  You have a strange gap in your penis

      12efgbn                Your penis has a right hand bend;
                             sometimes called Jerker's Lean.

      12wgui,l=]\            Seek immediate medical care.

                              Humor Digest - April 90

                             UnCategorized Gross Stuff

                                   The SHIT List

         GHOST Shit - This is the kind where you feel the shit come out, have
    shit on the toilet paper, but there is no shit in the toilet.
         CLEAN Shit - The kind where you shit it out, see it in the toilet,
    but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
         WET Shit - The kind where you wipe your ass 50 times and it still
    feels unwiped.  So you have to put some toilet paper between your ass and
    your underwear so you don't ruin them with skid marks.
         2ND WAVE Shit - It happens when you're done shitting.  You've pulled
    your pants up to your knees, and you realize you have to shit some more.
         BRAIN-HEMMORHAGE-THROUGH-YOUR-NOSE Shit - The kind where you strain
    so much to get it out that you practically have a stroke.
         RICHARD SIMMONS Shit - You shit so much that you lose 30 pounds.
         CORN Shit - No explanation needed.
         LINCOLN LOG Shit - Shit that is so huge that you're afraid to flush
    the toilet without breaking the shit into a few pieces with your toilet
         UNSINKABLE Shit - The kind that when you flush the toilet spins and
    spins, and then hangs around for the next flush.
         DRINKERS Shit - The kind of shit that you have after a long night of
    drinking.  It's most notable trait is the tread marks left on the bottom
    of the toilet.
         "GEE I WISH I COULD Shit" Shit - Where you want to shit but all you
    do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting a few times.
         SPINAL TAP Shit - This is the kind where it hurts so much coming out
    that you swear it's coming out sideways.
         POWER DUMP - The kind that comes out of your ass so fast that your
    ass cheeks get splashed with toilet water.
         LIQUID Shit - The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of
    your ass, splatters all over the inside of the toilet bowl, while the
    whole time burning your anus.
         MEXICAN FOOD Shit - A class all it's own!
         TECHNICOLOR Shit - The kind you get after you've been sick for
    awhile.  If you hadn't gone to the doctor yet, this kind makes you
    consider it.
         HEARTATTACK-"I'VE-GOT-BLOOD-IN-MY-SHIT" Shit - usually it's just all
    those peppers in the MEXICAN-FOOD you had yesterday.
         FLAKEY Shit - The kind that drops out into the bowl and looks solid,
    but upon flushing, it disintigrates!
         PEEPING Shit - This type can be felt popping in and out of your butt
    until you get on the pot, then it stays in!

                              Humor Digest - April 90

                            UnCategorized Ethnic Stuff

         The Toys 'R Us company is building a store in the middle of a local
    housing project, to bring low priced toys to the poor blacks.
         They've also decided to rename the company for its new location.
         It'll be called 'We be toys and shit.'
                            Application for Employment
                          Jesse Jackson's Campaign Staff

    Address: (If living in auto, give make model & license)

    YO' Mamma's Name:
    YO' Dadies Name: (If known)
    YO' Auto: Caddilac              Lincoln
              Financed              Stolen
              If Finnanced, Date of Reposession:

    YO' Marital Status: Common Law:           Shacked up:
    YO' Source of Income: Theft:        Relief:        Welfare:
                          Unemployment:       All of the above:
    Length of last jail term:             Why you are out: Escape
                   Probation:                              Other:
    How fast you can steal a car:
    Hou fast you can strip a car:
    YO' place of birth:  Free Clinic:     Alley:         Zoo:
    YO' favorite place ta' chow down at:
                     Church's Fried Chicken:         Unknown:
                     London & Cone Wing House:    Colonel Sanders:
    How many words can you Jive a minute:
    Machines you can operate:  Pinball:            Crowbar:
                               Switchblade:        Trojen Dispenser
    YO' Favorite Foods: Bar-B-Cue:       Fried Chicken:     Carp:
                        Watermelon:                  Chitlins:
    YO' Prior Experience: Gov't Worker:      Black Panther:     Pimp:
                          Dope Dealer:       Evangalist:     Postman:
    How many kids have by: 1st Wife:     2nd Wife:    Sister:
                           Neighbor's Wife:      Other:
    In 50 words or less, state YO' greatest desire in life:
                          (other than having a white woman)

                              Humor Digest - April 90

                                UnCategorized Stuff

         MEDICAL RESEARCHERS TABULATING written cases in which items were
    recovered from the rectums of patients reported 700 items from 200
    patients.  The items included: a live, shaved, declawed gerbil: a bottle
    of Mrs.  Butterworth's syrup: an Ax handle: a 9-inch zucchini: a 14-inch
    vibrator with two D-cell batteries: a plastic spatula, a 9-1/2-inch water
    bottle: a Coke Bottle: a 3-1/2inch Japanese Float ball: an 11-inch carrot:
    an antenna rod: a 150-Watt light bolb: a screwdriver: four rubber balls:
    72 jewelers saws(all from the same patient, 29 at one time): a
    paperweight: an apple: an onion: a plastic toothbrush package: a frozen
    pig's tail (which got stuck after it thawwd): a 10-inch length of
    broomstick: an 18-inch umbrella handle: a banana encased in a condom: two
    Vaseline jars: a whisky bottle with a cord attached: a teacup; an oil can;
    a 6 by 5-inch tool box (weighing 22 ounces); a 6-inch stone weighing
    two-pounds; a baby powder can; a test tube; a ballpoint pen; a peanut
    butter jar; a flashlight; a turnip; a pair of eyeglasses; a hard-boiled
    egg; several tumblers and glasses; a file; a polyethylene waste trap from
    the U-Bend of a sink and a carborundum grindstone handle.

                              Humor Digest - April 90

                                    Clean Jokes

         Billy Graham, Oral Roberts and Jim Baker were all riding in a car
    together and were involved in a terrible traffic accident.  All three were
    killed and their souls made their way to heaven.
         At the pearly gates, Saint Peter met them and apologetically informed
    them there was no more room in heaven at the moment, so all three would
    have to wait "down below" until there was a vacancy.
         Obediently, they all went to hell.
         About a week later Saint Peter received a frantic phone call from the
         "Listen," said the devil, "you've got to get these three guys outta
    here!  They're ruining the place."
         "What's wrong?" asked Saint Peter.
         "Well," said the devil, "Billy Graham is converting everybody, Oral
    Roberts is building a university, and Jim Baker has raised enough money to
    air condition this damn place!"
         Two gays were walking across the Golden Gate Bridge when one
    exclaimed, "Look, a ferry boat!"
         The other said, "I didn't know we had a Navy!"
         One day an American, a Cuban, a Russian, and a Lawyer were riding on
    a train.
         As they were talking the Russian got out a large bottle of high
    quality vodka and poured a small glass for each and then threw the bottle
    of vodka out of the window.
         The American looked at the Russian in amazement and asked "Why did
    you throw that vodka out of the window?"
         The Russian replied, "In my country we have so much that we do not
    know what to do with it."
         About this time the Cuban pulled out a fat Havana cigar, lit it up,
    took two puffs and threw it out of the window.
         The American was even more surprised and asked the Cuban why he did
         The Cuban replied that, "In my country we have so many cigars that we
    even burn them for power, and still can't get rid of them all."
         The American then grabbed the lawyer...
         One day Jesus and the Devil went out to play golf.  They tossed a
    coin to see who would tee off first.
         The Devil won.  He teed off and hit a beautiful drive straight down
    the fairway, where it landed onto the green, and rolled to a stop less
    than three feet away from the pin.
         Then Jesus teed off and sliced it into the rough (woods).
         As Jesus and the Devil were walking towards the rough, a squirrel
    came scampering out of one of the trees and, in running across the ground,
    came upon the golf ball.
         It stopped, sniffed the ball, and stuffed it into its mouth.  Then it
    took off running (with the ball in its mouth).
         As it ran across the fairway, an eagle swooped down, grabbed the
    squirrel and started to fly away.
         Just as the eagle was over the green, a bolt of lightning struck it.
    It squawked and dropped the squirrel.
         The squirrel fell to the green and, when it landed, the ball flew out

                               Humor Digest - May 90

                                    Clean Jokes

    of it mouth and rolled into the hole (cup).
         The Devil turned to Jesus and said "OK are we gonna play golf or goof
         This guy goes into a barber shop, and says, "I want my hair cut, so
    that it's long here, here, here, and here..., sort of wavy in this section
    but straight just below, sort of spiked on this diagonal with a slanted
    taper, and bald patches here, here, here, and here."
         The barber looked at him and said, "I don't think I can do that!"
         "Why not?" said the guy.  "You did the last time I was here!"
         One day a little ol' man and his wife went to the doctor to have
    their annual checkup.
         The little ol' man went in first and the doctor asked him, "How have
    you been doing?"
         The little ol' man replied that the Lord had been looking out for
         The Doctor just kind of blew this off and continued the exam for a
    while, but couldn't stand it so he asked him how he knew that the Lord had
    been looking out for him.
         The little ol' man replied that every night when he got up in the
    middle of the night to go to the bathroom that the Lord turned the light
    on for him when he went in and off when he came out.
         The doctor thought this was odd, so when he called the little ol'
    man's wife in for her examine he asked her about it, And she said, "Oh
    doctor, he's been pissing in the refrigerator again!"
         One day Adam was talking to God, and he asks, "God, I've been
    thinking, why did you make Eve so pretty?"
         God replies, "Because I wanted you to like her."
         Then Adam asks, "But why did you make her so stupid?"
         God answers, "Because I wanted her to like you."
         A guy goes to a shrink who proceeds to show him a series of
         The shrink shows him a square, and asks, "What does this suggest to
         Guy answers, "Sex."
         Shrink displays a circle; again the answer is "Sex." Same thing with
    a triangle, a pentagon, and a hexagon.
         The shrink asks the man, "Why does everything remind you of sex?"
         The guy replies, "Don't ask me Doc, you're the one with the dirty
         Christ is on the cross, and Peter is down the hill comforting Mary
    Magdalene when he hears in a faint voice, "Peter...Peter..."
         Peter said to Mary, "I must go and help my Savior." And he went up
    the hill, only to be beaten and kicked back down by the Roman centurions
    guarding the cross.
         But soon he hears, "Peter...Peter" in even fainter tones, and he
    cannot ignore the call.
         Peter limps up the hill leans a ladder against the cross, and is
    halfway up when the centurions knock over the ladder, beat him brutally,
    and toss him back down the hill.

                               Humor Digest - May 90

                                    Clean Jokes

         Again he hears, "Peter...Peter..." ever fainter, and he cannot sit
         He staggers up the hill, drags himself up the ladder, and finally
    gets even with Christ's face.  Just as the centurions are reaching for the
    ladder, Christ says, "Peter...Peter...I can see your house from here."
         A fellow was sitting and drinking at a bar, dressed in
    expensive-looking clothes, when a gorgeous, sexily-clad woman sidled up to
         She said, "Honey, for $300 I can give you a really good time and for
    $500 I'll do ANYTHING."
         "Anything?" he asked.
         "Well, almost anything." she replies, "Nothing too kinky; you have to
    be able to say it in three words."
         He arranged for some witnesses to the deal, handed her $500, and
    said, "Paint my house!"
         Just the other day I got a ticket for jaywalking, after crossing
    quite a way from a crosswalk.
         While the cop was writing I asked him, "Instead of having this go on
    my record, couldn't I just go to WALKING SCHOOL?"
         To which he replied, "No.  In fact if you get three of these in one
    year, they'll take away your feet."
         A preacher who advertised himself as a great healer set up a tent in
    a small rural town.
         That evening a man came in on crutches and said to him, "Ain't no
    doctor been able to cure my leg.  Can you heal me?"
         "What's your name brother?" asked the preacher.
         "Bob" replied the man.
         "Bob, you just go behind that red curtain."
         A moment later, another man walked in and said, "S-s-sir, c-c-can you
    help m-m-me with m-m-my s-s-stuttering?"
         "What's your name brother?" asked the preacher.
         "John" replied the man.
         "John, you just go behind that red curtain."
         After 10 minutes of frenzied preaching and praising, the healer threw
    his hands in the air, raised his eyes to the ceiling, and dramatically
    shouted, "Bob, drop your crutches!  John, say something!"
         A few moments passed before a voice behind the curtain said,"B-b-bob
    just f-f-fell on h-h-his b-b-butt."
         One day a little girl came home depressed after playing on her little
    league softball team
         Her father asked: "What's wrong honey?"
         To this the little girl remarked, "Oh, I was balled again!"
         The Dawsons stood outside the bedroom door listening to Johnny say
    his prayers: "God bless Daddy, God bless Mommy, God bless sister Becky,
    and God bless grandma."
         "Wonder why he didn't include grandpa in his prayers?" asked Mrs.
         The next day they received a telegram that grandpa had died of a
    heart attack.

                               Humor Digest - May 90

                                    Clean Jokes

         That night, the Dawsons listened once again outside the bedroom.
    "God bless Daddy, God bless Mommy, and God bless sister Becky."
         "He left out Grandma this time," said Dawson.
         The next day, Grandma fell down a flight of stairs and died of a
    broken neck.  That evening, they listened outside the boy's bedroom.  "God
    bless Mommy and God bless sister Becky."
         "He left me out," whispered Dawson.
         "Just be extra careful tomorrow," advised his wife.
         The next day, Dawson came home somewhat relieved that nothing had
    befallen him.
         "Anything unusual happen today?" he asked.
         "No," said his wife, "but the milkman died."
         Two animals were passing in the forest and bumped into each other.
         "Oh I'm sorry but I am blind." said the first animal.
         "Oh, we're both blind then" said the second one.  "Tell you what, let
    us examine each other and guess who we are..."
         "Okay," said the first animal, "I'll start."
         "Let's see, you're warm blooded, furry, with whiskers and long ears.
    Oh I know, you must be a rabbit!"
         "Right!" said the second.  "Now let me guess."
         "Hmmm, you're cold blooded, have scales, you squirm as you move, and
    you have no balls."
         "Ah, you must be a banker!"
         Two girls were walking along the road when a toad croaked, "Kiss me
    and I will turn into a handsome Texas oilman."
         One of the girls stooped over, picked up toad up and stuffed it into
    her purse.
         "Aren't you going to kiss him?" the other girl asked in amazement.
         The girl with the toad replied, "Texas oilmen ain't worth a dime
    these days, but a talking toad's worth a fortune."
         In a classroom one day a teacher was playing a game with her
         "Ok," she said, "Today we are going to play a game in which I will
    describe something and you have to tell me what it is."
         "Ok, what is orange, round, and is a fruit?"
         They all answer, "Orange, orange!"
         "Wrong!" The teacher corrects them, "A nectarine!"
         "Next one, what's oblong, yellow, and is good for you?"
         "Banana, Banana!" they all yell.
         "No, no," says the teacher, " A squash!"
         So one of the kids the back of the room named Jimmy stands up and
    exclaims, "Teacher, I have one for you.  I have something in my pocket
    that's long, stiff, and has a pink tip on the end.  What is it?"
         The teacher angrily says, "Oh Jimmy, that's very rude!  Out of the
    class right now!"
         "But Teacher," cries Jimmy, "all it is is my pencil!"

                               Humor Digest - May 90

                                   Ethnic Jokes

         Jessie Jackson died and went to heaven and was met at the pearly
    gates by St.  Peter.
         St Peter: "Name please"
         Jesse: (Astonished) "I'm Jessie Jackson!"
         St Peter then looks and looks in the great book and replies, "Sorry,
    no reservation."
         Jessie: "Oh, try one of my titles, Rev.  Jackson."
         St Peter looks some more, "Sorry, any other titles?"
         Jessie: "Yes, just one, President Jackson."
         St Peter: (Astonished) "Oh, When did you become president?"
         Jessie: "Oh, about five minutes ago..."
         A Ford pick-up was going over a bridge with two Americans in the cab
    and two Pollocks in the back.
         The truck skidded and went into the river.
         The Americans survived by swimming to the surface.
         The Pollocks died...  they couldn't get the tailgate open.
         A Pollock was in a bar and saw a gorgeous woman sitting at the end of
    the table so he ordered her a drink.
         She said, "I hope you aren't trying to hit on me; I'm a lesbian."
         The Pollock said, "No, I just wanted to get to know you or
         As they were talking, the woman sees a Big-busted woman in a red
    dress on the dance floor and says, "I sure would like to rip off her dress
    and screw her brains out!"
         The Pollock starts moaning in fear and says,"OH NO!  I think I'm a
    lesbian too!"
         A middle aged lady was reaching out her 2nd floor apartment window to
    try to get a hanging flower, when she fell and landed smack into a garbage
         A passing Chink said, "These Americans so wasteful.  Woman still good
    for two or three years yet."
         These two pollocks are flying a plane when they see a landing strip.
         The pilot says to the co-pilot, "Better give me 50% flaps, its a
    pretty short runway.  No change that give me 75% flaps.  Geeez this is the
    shortest runway I've ever seen better me 98% flaps!"
         The copilot turns to the pilot and says, "Boy, this is the shortest
    runway I've ever seen anyone land on!  But wow, look how wide it is!"
         Once upon a time there was this guy with a strawberry patch but that
    no one would pick.
         So one day while he was reading the paper he saw this add for berry
    picking robots so he orders 20 of them.
         They pick all the berries and do a good job at it.
         That night all this guys neighbors called him and told him that his
    robots were too shiny during the day and they blinded them.
         So that night he painted the robots all flat black, and the next day
    only 4 showed up for work.

                               Humor Digest - May 90

                                   Ethnic Jokes

         There are these three guys, a Christian, a Buddhist, and a Pollock,
    ready to be put to death by guillotine.  They get the Christian all set,
    put his head in the guillotine, lock him in, and ask him if he has any
         He says "Oh Great God Save Me!"
         The executioner pulls the rope and down comes the blade!  Clunk...
    It stops three inches above this guys head!  All the people are in a stir
    cause they think the God must want him saved, so they let him go.
         They stick the Buddhist in next.  He's tied down, and asked if he has
    any last words.
         He says "Oh Great Buddha Save me!"
         The executioner pulls the rope and down comes the blade!
    Kerrr...Plunk...  It stops two inches above his head!  All the people are
    getting pretty annoyed by know, but since he's still alive, they figure
    his God must want him saved, so they let him go.
         The next guy up...is the Pollock.  They get him all tied down and ask
    him if he has any last words.
         He says, "It would sure help if you untied the knot in the rope
    before you try it again!"
         A pollock that is terribly afraid of a terrorist putting a bomb on a
    long distance flight he has to take, goes to his friend the statistician.
         "What are the odds of a somebody bringing a bomb aboard my flight?"
    he asks.
         After several calculations the statistician responds, "575,000 to 1."
         The pollock then asks, "What are the odds of two people bringing
    onto the plane?"
         His friend, astonished, calculates for a couple of more seconds and
    says, "1,250,500,000,000 to 1."
         So the pollock brought a bomb along with him.
         Two pollocks were out hunting in the woods.
         The one says to the other, "I gotta take a dump!" and walks off
    behind a bush.
         A short time later, he calls out, "What do I use to wipe?"
         The other replies, "Use a dollar!"
         About a 5 minutes later the first one comes out with shit all over
    him.  He says, "Well, thanks to your advice, not only do I have shit all
    over myself, but I've got four quarters stuck up my ass!"
         Did you hear that Jesse Jackson is having a fund raising dinner?
         The donations are $150 per plate unless you want extra crispy in
    which case it's $175.
         Three men were stranded on a rowboat after their boat sank.  One was
    from New York, one from London and the other from Poland.  One day they
    came upon a bottle floating in the water.
         As they pulled the bottle out of the water they discovered that there
    was a note inside.  The note granted the finder of the bottle three
         Since they found the bottle together they decided to take a wish

                               Humor Digest - May 90

                                   Ethnic Jokes

         The New Yorker expressed his desire to see Times Square again and no
    sooner at he said the word he was back in New York.
         The Londoner yearned for the lights of Piccadilly Circus and POOF he
    was back in London.
         The Pollock sat there for awhile, wondering what he should wish for.
    Suddenly it struck him, and he said, "Those guys were such good company
    that I wish they were back here."
         Ya know, they found the space shuttle capsule yesterday out in the
    ocean.  But when they opened it, there were only 6 bodies inside.
         3 hours later, they found a black on a nearby deserted island with 2
    purses and 4 wallets.

                               Humor Digest - May 90

                                    Gross Jokes

         Ray, Butch, and Paul, three fags, are having a good old time in their
    hot-tub, drinking beer and talking about "boy troubles."
         Butch is just getting into a steamy account of his last evening with
    Phil the lifeguard when, without warning "BLUP!" A wad of cum bubbles to
    the surface of the water.  They look at each other in turn, grimacing.
    After a moment of pained looks, Paul finally says "That's gross man.  Who
         Two fags are walking down the street, and a man walks by.
         One fag turns to the other and say "God, he was a good fuck!"
         The other fag turns to him and say "NO SHIT?"
         The first fag replies, "Well, hardly any!"
         A man took his friend for a ride in his new plane, shortly after take
    off to show his friend what the plane would do.
         He opened up the throttle and went straight up then he went straight
    down, telling his friend that he would now do the loop dee loop.
         His friend yelled, "NO!  First you went straight up and I shit my
    pants, then you went straight down and I pissed my pants, now you want to
    roll me in it!"
         There are these three farmers and they wanted to enter a pig in the
    fair, so they went out and bought a pig.  They fed it, and fed it, and fed
    it, but it just wouldn't get fat.
         So one of the farmers came up with the bright idea of putting a cork
    in the pigs butt so that it couldn't shit out anything.
         Well, that pig ate, and ate, and ate until it became the most
    humongous pig you ever saw.
         They took the pig to the fair and won the blue ribbon in the gigantic
    pig category.
         After they got the pig home, the farmers couldn't decide who was
    going to take the cork out of the pigs butt.  They argued for quite
    awhile, until the farmer who came up with the plug idea in the first place
    said, "Say, why don't we buy a monkey and train it to pull out plugs." The
    other farmers liked the idea, so they bought a monkey and began training
         Before long they had that monkey pulling corks out of everything,
    champaign bottles, pickle vats, and even beer kegs, and they decided it
    was time to try the monkey out on the pig so they took the monkey out and
    put it in the pig pen.
         At first the monkey was scared of the pig, but as soon as it saw the
    cork it ran right over and pulled it out.
         We are next at the hospital were the three farmers are all covered in
    bandages from head to foot.  A doctor walks in and asks the farmers what
    is the last thing they remember.  The first farmer replies, "The last
    thing I remember is that there were turds and shit flying everywhere." The
    second farmer nods his head, and says that's what he remembers too.  Well,
    the last farmer turns to the doctor and says, "Yah, I remember the turds
    and shit, but what really sticks out in my mind is that poor little monkey
    trying to stick the plug back in that pigs butt!"

                               Humor Digest - May 90

                                    Other Jokes

         The perfect woman is three feet tall, has lips like a carp, can suck
    the chrome off of a trailer hitch, has a flat head so you can set your
    beer down, and turns into a pizza at midnight!
         There was a Yankee and a Texan in a restroom at a truck stop.  The
    Yankee finished pissing first and zipped up and walked out.  Minutes later
    the Texan caught up with the Yankee and spoke loud enough for others to
    hear: "Hey, Yank!  Our mother's teach us Texans to wash our hands after
    taking a piss!"
         The Yankee looked the Texan up and down and grinned, replying, "Our
    mother's taught us not to piss all over our hands."

                               Humor Digest - May 90

                                   Sexual Jokes

         A major walks into a drug store, carefully pulls out a piece of
    folded paper, and unfolds it to reveal a busted condom.  He asks
    the pharmacist, "How much for a new one?"
         The pharmacist replies, "50 cents."
         The major then asks, "How much to get it repaired?"
         The pharmacist replies, "30 cents."
         With this the major walks out of the store.
         The next day, the major walks into the same drug store goes up to the
    pharmacist and says, "The regiment has decided to get this one fixed."
         Three pregnant teenagers were sitting in the OB's office one
    afternoon discussing their impending arrivals.  They came to the
    conclusion that the position they used during their intercourse would
    determine the sex of their children.
         "Well," said the first, "he was on top, so I guess mine's a boy."
         "I was on top," said the second, "mine's definitely a girl."
         The third cried and cried and cried.  When her two friends finally
    calmed her down enough to speak she cried: "I'm going to have a puppy!"
         A young stud picks up a hooker and takes her to his apartment.  She
    runs into the bedroom and says she'll get ready for him.  He says he'll
    get ready in the front room.
         A few minutes pass and the hooker is lying in bed waiting for him.
    When he strolls in, he is stark-naked except for a condom on his cock, a
    clothes-peg on his nose and cotton in his ear.
         She asks him about his get-up and he replies: "There's two things I
    hate in this world.  The sound of a woman screaming and the smell of
    burning rubber!"
         A man and a woman had just finished sex when the woman says to the
    man, "I didn't know your organ was that small!"
         "Well," the man replied, "I didn't know I would be playing in a
    Cathedral, either!"
         The two men, who had just tied in the contest for the Longest Dick In
    The World, were walking along the Golden Gate bridge and they had to piss,
    so they just hung their dicks over the side.
         The first man said, "Boy, that water sure is COLD."
         The second man said, "Yeah, and DEEP too!"
         One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could
    buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday.
         Johnny's father said, "Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the
    house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle?  Wait until Christmas."
         Christmas came around, and Johnny asked again.
         The father said, "Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry
    about that.  Ask me again some other time."
         Well, about 2 days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house
    with all his belonging in a suitcase.
         The father felt sorry for him, and asked him why he was leaving.
         The boy said, "Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard
    you say that you were pulling out, and mommy said that you should wait
    because she was coming too, and DAMN if I'll get stuck with a $80,000

                               Humor Digest - May 90

                                   Sexual Jokes

         One day a man and his son were walking through the park, and the boy
    spotted two dogs fucking.
         The boy asked his father what he was doing, and the father responded,
    "They're making puppies."
         That night, the little boy walked into his parent's room, and saw his
    parents going at it.
         The boy said, "Daddy, what are you doing?"
         The father responded, "Making you a little baby brother."
         The boy shouted out, "Turn mom over, I would rather have a puppy!"
         A little boy was having trouble sleeping, so he asked his mommy and
    daddy if he could sleep in their bed.  The parents agreed as long as he
    wouldn't look under the sheets.
         Well, the boy did, and he saw his fathers penis.
         He asked what it was, and his father said it was his 'ferrari.'
         Then he looked at his mother, and saw her twat, and he asked her what
    it was, and she said it was a 'garage.'
         The father said, "Move over Johnny, I'm going to pull my ferrari into
    mommy's garage."
         Johnny replied, "Sorry dad, my pinto is already in there!"
         There was a woman who had a problem.  Her husband would only make
    love to her in the dark.
         Troubled by her husband's phobia she flicked the light on during one
    of their passionate love making sessions
         She was horrified to find a dildo in her husbands hand!
         She screamed and said, "You impotent S.O.B.!"
         Her husband tried to comfort her but she kept screaming, "Is this
    what you've been using for the last 3 years?"
         The husband replied, "Yes.  Now YOU explain our 3 kids?"
         This man goes into a tatoo parlor and ask's the owner to tatoo a
    hundred dollar bill on his dick.
         The owner looks puzzled, scratches his head, and says to the man,
    "I've tattooed a lot of things on a lot of places, but I have never done
    anything like this before."
         The man replies, "Yeah, well, you don't know how well my wife can
    blow a hundred bucks!"
         There once was a rooster and a cat.  They both sat on a bank of a
    rushing river.  On the other bank there was rooster feed and cat food.
         Well after a couple of hours these two animals started to get very
    hungry.  So the cat jumped in and attempted to swim across.
         No such luck.  The cat only managed to get VERY wet.
         The rooster says, "HA!" and just flies over!
         What can we learn from this story?
         Where ever there is a wet pussy there is a full-filled cock!
         This married woman was trying to learn how to golf, and the pro was
    going nuts because she couldn't get the hang of holding onto the club
         As a last resort he told her, "Look, Mrs.  Johnson, I want you to try

                               Humor Digest - May 90

                                   Sexual Jokes

    one more thing, If it doesn't work, you'll have to face up to the fact
    that you will NEVER be a golfer!  Now please don't be offended, but I want
    you to take hold of the club in the same manner you take hold of your
    husband's penis."
         The lady does so, smacks the ball, and it travels in a straight line
    down the fairway 250 yards.  The pro is amazed!
         He turns to her and he says, "Very good!  Now take the club out of
    your mouth."
         "I'm so tired," complained the pretty young actress to her friend,
    "last night I didn't get to sleep until after three."
         "No wonder you're tired," her friend replied.  "Twice is usually all
    I need."
         Three guys are talking about their dogs, and how good their dogs are
    at hunting.
         Well, the third guy doesn't have a dog, so he decides to go out and
    buy the best hunting dog he can find.  He goes to a breeder, and tells the
    guy he wants the best hunting dog that money can buy.
         The breeder replies, "Well, you'll want Old Blue over there."
         The man replies, "That dog is too old, he'll never hunt!"
         With that the Breeder replies, "Ok, just watch." He yells at Old
    Blue, "Go find some birds." With that, the dog gets up, and runs to some
    bushes about 20 yards off, and runs around the bushes.
         The man replies, "That dog is no good, he just runs around the
         The Breeder responds, "Well watch this," and he picks up a stick,
    throws it into the bushes, and two birds fly out.
         The man replies, " That's great!  I'll take him."
         A few weeks later, he and his buddies are out hunting again, and
    they're bragging about their dogs
         After awhile, the guy decides it's time to show off his dog.  He
    yells at the dog' "Old Blue, find some birds."
         With that, the dog takes off and starts running around some bushes.
         The guy stands there and waits for the birds to come out.
         After awhile, Old blue picks up a stick, and runs back to the man.
         After the man ignores Old Blue, Old blue starts humping his leg.
         The guy gets really pissed, as the other two guys are laughing at his
    so called hunting dog.
         The guy gets so mad, that he ends up shooting Old Blue, and throwing
    his body into the trunk of his car.
         He drives all the way back to the breeder and drags the dog out of
    the trunk.
         The breeder asks, "What happened?"
         The guy replies, "This stupid dog kept running around the bushes,
    then he grabbed a stick, and started humping my leg!"
         The breeder replies, "You stupid son of a bitch, Old Blue was trying
    to tell you he found more birds than you could shake a fuck'n stick at!"
         A man called his wife from the hospital to tell her he'd cut his
    finger off on the assembly line.
         "Oh, honey," she cried, "the whole finger?"
         "No," he said, "the one next to it."

                               Humor Digest - May 90

                                   Sexual Jokes

         Tom, Dick and Harry were standing at the Pearly Gates awaiting
    entrance.  St Peter said they each had to answer a question to determine
    their mode of transportation.
         St Peter asks, "Were you ever unfaithful to your wife?"
         Tom replied, "Well, St Peter, I didn't have a very good marriage and
    even though there were plenty of opportunities, I only cheated on my wife
    five times." St Peter gave him a bicycle.
         Dick then confessed "I looked at a lot of women, perhaps lustfully,
    but I only cheated on my wife once." St Peter gave him a VW bug.
         Harry, with great feeling and emotion then said, "St Peter, I adored
    my wife.  I never looked at another woman.  Not once did I cheat on my
    wife." St Peter gave him a Rolls Royce.
         A few weeks later, Tom and Dick saw Harry sitting on the curb next to
    his Rolls crying his heart out.
         "What's the problem?" they asked.  "Here you are in heaven with a
    Rolls Royce.  What could you possibly be that unhappy about?"
         To that Harry replied "I just saw my wife go by on a SKATEBOARD!"
         Two retired banking colleagues, Harry and John, were enjoying a few
    martinis over lunch when John one suddenly mused, "You know, when I was
    thirty, my erection was so hard that I could grip it with both hands and
    not be able to bend it."  Harry nodded in understanding.
         John continued: "When I was forty, I could bend it ten degrees with
    the greatest of effort.  At fifty, I could bend it maybe twenty degrees.
    And now that I'm past sixty, I can bend it in half with one hand."
         John paused to take a sip of his drink, and then said, "Harry, I
    wonder just how much stronger I'm going to get."
         Olga, the Danish chambermaid at the Catskill mountain hotel, was
    constantly being chased by Hirshberg, one of the guests.  Every time he
    got near her, she ran away from him.
         One day he grabbed the pretty Dane and whispered his sexual request
    in her ear.  To his amazement, she agreed to meet him in his room that
         "If you're willing," said the man, "why did you keep running away
    from me?"
         "Well," said the Danish girl, "all time I tink you vant extra
         Two pro-football players go into a bar for a drink.  They're so wide
    at the shoulders that they have to sit with an empty stool between them.
         Mr.  Gayblade comes in, sees the two hunks, and squeezes into the
    stool between them.  "Get lost!" one of the pros tells him.
         To which Mr.  Gayblade replies, "I can sit anywhere I want." They
    shake their heads in disgust.
         "Say, do you fellows want to play barroom football?" he asks.
         "How do you play that?" they answer.
         Mr.  Gayblade orders a pitcher of beer.  When it arrives, he drinks
    down the whole thing, slams the empty pitcher on the bar, then claims,
    "Touchdown.  Six points." Then he hops off the bar, drops his pants, bends
    over and lets out a loud fart.  "Field goal.  Seven points, I'm ahead."
         One of the ball players orders a pitcher, swigs it down in two gulps,
    slams it on the bar, stands and drops his drawers.
         Mr.  Gayblade jumps behind him and whips out his cock, shouting,

                               Humor Digest - May 90

                                   Sexual Jokes

    "Block that point!  Block that point!"
         There was a traveling salesman who was very, very tired.  So he pulls
    up to this big house out in the country and knocks on the door.
         A man opens the door and says,"Hello?"
         The traveling salesman says he is tired and needs a place to stay.
         So the man at the door says,"Alright, but your gonna' have to sleep
    with my son."
         And the traveling salesman replies, "Oops, sorry, wrong house!"
         Times were getting tough for the manager of his company and he was
    forced to lay off one of his two most trusted employees.  It was difficult
    for him mainly because Jack is such a whiz at the books, and Jane is such
    a dedicated and reliable worker.  Both had about the same tenure so he
    couldn't fire on that reason.  He decided to fire the one who arrived in
    the office first the next day.
         The next day Jane walked through the door, and the manager told her,
    "I'm sorry Jane, and I don't know quite how to say this, but I can't
    decide if I want to lay you or Jack off.
         She replied "Aw, go jack off, I'm tired."
         The doctor told the young man who was about to be married, "I've
    examined your bride and I have good news and bad.
         First the good news, she still has her cherry.
         And now the bad news, it's as big as a grapefruit."
         One day, Cinderella's family received a letter, inviting all
    eligible bachelorettes to a ball for the prince.  Both of Cinderella's
    step-sisters were allowed to go, but Cinderella had too much work to do.
         After Cinderella's step-sisters had left for the ball, a fairy god
    mother appeared and did all of Cindy's house work.
         "You may now go to the ball" the fairy god mother said.
         "But I've got nothing to wear" exclaimed Cindy, "No man in his right
    mind would want to dance with me!"
         The fairy god mother waved her wand and a golden diaphragm appeared.
         "Wear this." the fairy god mother said, "This will make every man at
    the ball want to screw you.  But you have to be back by midnight, or it
    will turn into a pumpkin!"
         Cindy went to the ball and the fairy god mother waited for Cindy to
    return.  When Cindy finally did return, it was 2 in the morning.
         "What happened, didn't it turn into a pumpkin?" asked the fairy god
         "It sure did, it happened while I was talking to a man named Peter
         This lady goes to a Plastic Surgeon for a facelift.  He tells her
    about this great new procedure that only costs $5000 and comes with a
    screw implanted in the back of the head so that when the facelift starts
    to sag, all she has to do is tighten it.  She takes it.
         Five years later she comes back and says, "Doctor, the facelift has
    been great, but why can't I get rid of these bags under my eyes?"
         The doctor says, "Lady, those are your tits, and if you keep
    tightening that screw, your gonna have a moustache!"

                               Humor Digest - May 90

                                  Dirty Limericks

    In days long gone
    When men were strong
    And things weren't yet vehicular
      They'd line girls up
      Against the wall
      And screw them perpendicular!
    A rare old bird is the Pelican
    For his mouth can hold more than his belly-can
      He'll fill up his beak
      With enough food for a week
    And I'll be damned if I know how-the-hell-he-can!
    There once was a Pirate named Bates
    Who did the Fandango on skates
      He fell on his Cutlass
      Which rendered him nutless
    And totally useless on dates.
    There once was a woman from Norway
    Who hung by her heels from the doorway
      Who told her man Fred
      Get up off the bed
    I think I just found one more way!
    There once was a man from Orleans
    Who invented a fucking machine
      Concave or convex
      It would fuck either sex
    But, oh, what a bastard to clean!
    There once was a woman from Reno
    Who lost all her money at Keno
      She laid on her back
      and opened her crack
    And now she owns the Casino!
    There once was a drunk named McDuff
    Who went out to get some strange stuff
      He woke up at noon
      With a fucked-out baboon
    Who kissed him and asked, "Strange enough?"
    A dairyman's son they called Brock
    Hooked a milking machine to his cock
      It sucked out his bladder
      And what's even sadder
    His eyeballs wound up in his jock.
    A central vac owner named Streeter
    Inserted the head of his peter
      They found both his balls
      In the living room walls

                               Humor Digest - May 90

                                  Dirty Limericks

    And his dick in a pipe by the heater.
    A newlywed couple named Mattick
    Heard trampolines are quite ecstatic
      They yelled, "What a feeling!"
      Then crashed through the ceiling
    Where he polished her off in the attic.
    There once was an old lady from Heath,
    Who sat on her husbands' false teeth
      OH LORD! Bless his heart
      She said with a start
    He has bitten the part that he eateth!
    There once was a girl from Decator
    Who wanted to screw an alligator
      But no one knew
      The end of the screw
    Because after he fucked her he ate her.
    There once was a man from Boston
    Who drove around in a green Austin
      He had room for his ass
      And a gallon of gas
    But his balls hung out and he lost them.
    When I was young and had no sense
    I pissed upon an electric fence
      It shocked my dick
      It shocked my balls
    And made me shit my cover-alls!
    There once was a man from Peru
    Who took a ride in a canoe
      While dreaming of Venus
      He played with his penis
    And woke with a hand full of goo!
    There was an old man who said "Tush!"
    My balls always hang in the brush
      And I fumble about
      Half in and half out
    With a pecker as limber as mush."
    In days of old when Knights were bold
    And toilets weren't invented
      They'd leave their load
      Beside the road
    And walk away contented
    There was a young couple named Kelly
    Who were forced to walk belly to belly
      Because in their haste
      They used library paste

                               Humor Digest - May 90

                                  Dirty Limericks

    Instead of petroleum jelly.
    She frowned and called him Mister
    Because in sport he kissed her
      And so in spite
      That very night
    This Mister kissed her sister.
    To his bride said the lynx-eyed detective
    "Can it be that my eyesight's defective?
      Has your east tit the least bit
      The best of the west tit?
    Or is it just a trick of perspective?"
    There once was a man from Nantuckett
    Who got his foot stuck in a bucket
      Though he tried and tried
      He could not come unpried
    So finally, he up and said "FUCK IT."
    There was a young woman of Glascow
    Whose party proved quite a fiasco
      At nine-thirty, about
      The lights all went out
    Through a lapse on the part of the Gas Co.
    A barber who lived in Batavia
    Was known for his fearless behavia
      An enormous baboon
      Broke in his saloon
    But he murmured, "I'm damned if I'll shavia."
    There once was a guy named Dave
    And to all the girls he did wave
    While pleading for pleasure
    His dick did they measure
    and the finger was all that they gave.
    There once was a hermit named Abe
    Who kept a dead whore in his cave
      You must admit
      It smelled like shit
    But look at the money he saved!
    A bobby from Southworth Junction
    His organ had long ceased to function
      He deceived his dear wife
      For the rest of her life
    with the aid of his constable's truncheon.
    There once was a woman from Wheeling
    Who had a peculiar feeling
      So she laid on her back
      And tickled her crack

                               Humor Digest - May 90

                                  Dirty Limericks

    And pissed all over the ceiling
    There was a young woman named Alice
    Who tried dynamite as a phallus
      They found her vagina
      In North Carolina
    And parts of her asshole in Dallas
    There once was a man from Nantucket
    Who had a dick so long he could suck it
      He said with a grin
      While wiping his chin
    If my ear was a pussy I'd fuck it.
    There once was a man named McNair
    Who laid his wife on the stair
      The bannister broke
      So he doubled his stroke
    And finished her off in mid-air.
    There once was a lady from Cape Cod
    Who thought babies were brought by God
      But it wasn't the almighty
      That lifted her nighty
    It was Rodger the Codger by god.

                               Humor Digest - May 90

                                 Clean One-Liners

    Q: How many real-men does it take to change a lightbulb?

    A: None, real-men aren't afraid of the dark.
    Q: What do you call a china woman with one leg?

    A: Irene.
    Q: What was Karen Carpenter's favorite low-calorie dessert?

    A: A tray of ice cubes.
    Q: What's the difference between a fox and a pig?

    A: About 8 or 9 drinks.
    Q: What has orange hair, big feet, and comes out of a test tube?

    A: Bozo the Clone.
    Q: Why can't bikes stand up by themselves?

    A: Because they're too tired.
    Q: What do you get if you cross a chicken and a pit bull?

    A: Just the pit bull.
    Q: How do white supremacists tie their shoes?

    A: In little Nazis.
    Q: What's the difference between a rooster and a lawyer run over lying
       dead in the middle of the road?

    A: The tire skid marks before the rooster.
    Q: Why are Delorean autos being banned in the United States?

    A: They keep trying to suck the white line up off the roads!
    Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant, a hippo, and a rhino?

    A: The Heliphino (the hell if I know).

                               Humor Digest - May 90

                                 Ethnic One-Liners

    Q: How do you keep a Pollock busy for hours?

    A: Give him a card with "Please Turn Over" written on both sides.
    Q: How many Pollocks does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    A: None.  They can't fit in a light bulb!
    Q: What do you call a fat Chinaman?

    A: A Chunk.
    Q: Why don't Mexicans have barbecues?

    A: Because the beans always fall through the grill.
    Q: Why did the pollock proctologist use two fingers ?

    A: In case the patient wanted a second opinion.
    Q: Do you know what a Honkey Tonk is?

    A: The sound an aluminum baseball bat makes hitting a white boy's
    Q: Where does a polish car pool meet?

    A: At work!
    Q: How did Helen Keller break her arm?

    A: She was driving and tried to read a stop sign.
    Q: How do Helen Kellers parents punish her?

    A1: They re-arrange the furniture
    A2: Put doorknobs on the walls
    A3: Stick a plunger in then toilet
    A4: Step on her braille books with steel-spiked cleats.
    Q: How many Pollocks does it take to eat an armadillo?

    A: Three, one to eat it and two to watch for cars.
    Q: What do you have when a Czech woman gets an abortion?

    A: A cancelled czech!
    Q: Why did God make niggers?

    A: After making a honky, She realized that the prick was too small and
       that she had forgotten to give him any balls.

                               Humor Digest - May 90

                                 Ethnic One-Liners

    Q: Do you know why God invented the orgasm?

    A: So niggers would know when to stop fucking.
    Q: Why don't niggers and mexicans intermarry?

    A: Because their kids would be too lazy to steal!
    Q: Why was the pollock so excited?

    A: He found out he could use Right Guard under his left arm!
    Q: Why did the pollock get fired from his elevator operator job?

    A: He forgot the route!
    Q: How do you get a one armed pollock out of a tree?

    A: Wave.
    Q: What are the Pollocks latest inventions?

    A: A helicopter with an ejection seat, and a solar powered flashlight.
    Q: Why aren't there any black astronauts?

    A: They don't want to have to say YES NASA, NO NASA!
    Q: Why did the moron wear rubbers on his ears?

    A: He was afraid of hearing-aids.
    Q: How many Chinese does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    A: Two...  if you make 'em REAL small!
    Q: Why is that great musical genius Stevie Wonder always smiling?

    A: Because nobody told him he's a nigger.
    Q: Why do niggers always have sex on their minds?

    A: Because they have pubic hair on their heads.
    Q: What do you call a thousand blacks on the bottom of the sea?

    A: A good start.
    Q: Why weren't there more blacks on the Space Shuttle?

    A: They didn't know it was going to blow up.
    Q: Did you ever hear about the Polish ice-hockey team?

                               Humor Digest - May 90

                                 Ethnic One-Liners

    A: They drowned during spring training.
    Q: Why don't Pollocks ever make Kool-Aid?

    A: They can't figure out how you get 2 quarts of water in that tiny
       little packet.
    Q: How do you get a one-armed Pollock out of a tree?

    A: Wave to him.
    Q: Did you hear about the Pollock who won a gold metal in the Olympics?

    A: He took it home and got in bronzed.
    Q: Did you hear about the Polish terrorist sent to blow up a car?

    A: He burned his mouth on the tailpipe.
    Q: What did the black kid get for Christmas?

    A: MY bike!
    Q: What's the best way to kill a black man?

    A: Aim for the radio.
    Q: What do you call a car with 4 or more black guys in it?

    A: The bloodmobile.
    Q: How do you babysit Blacks?

    A: Lick their lips, and stick them to the wall
    Q: How do you keep black kids from jumping on the bed?

    A: Put velcro on the ceiling.

    Q: How do you get them back down?

    A: Give a mexican kid a bat and tell him its a pinata.

                               Humor Digest - May 90

                                 Gross One-Liners

    Q: Do you know what the definition of "gross" is?

    A: An old prostitute slowly sinking down a bar-stool.
    Q: What's black and yellow and full of little Crispy Critters?

    A: A burnt school bus.
    Q: What is the only part of a vegetable that you cannot eat?

    A: The wheelchair!
    Q: What's the difference between an oral thermometer and an anal

    A: The taste!
    Q: What do you call Oprah Winfree with a yeast infection?

    A: A whopper with cheese!
    Q: What is black and white, and red all over?

    A: Two nuns in a chainsaw fight!
    Q: Why does a dog lift his leg to piss?

    A: To throw his ass outa' gear so he don't shit!
    Q: Why did they take sprite on the space shuttle?

    A: They couldn't get seven up!
    Q: What was the last thing the shuttle commander said?

    A: Give me a light........NO!  A BUD LI........!
    Q: Why do women have legs?

    A: So they don't leave a sticky trail.
    Q: Did you hear that Oprah got busted for Drugs?

    A: They found 60 lbs of Crack up her DRESS!
    Q: What do you call a whore with a runny nose?

    A: FULL!
    Q: Why do they call AIDS the miracle disease?

    A: It turns fruits into vegetables.

                               Humor Digest - May 90

                                 Gross One-Liners

    Q: What did Spock and the Doctor find in Kirk's toilet?

    A: The Captain's log.
    Q: What's the black stuff between an elephants toes?

    A: Slow natives!
    Q: Why is the starship Enterprise like toilet paper?

    A: They both circle Uranus and pick off Klingons.
    Q: Why did Captain Kirk try to piss on the ceiling?

    A: He wanted to boldly go where no man has gone before...

                               Humor Digest - May 90

                                 Sexual One-Liners

    Q: Did you hear about the Pollock that thought his wife was trying to
       kill him?

    A: He found polish remover in the medicine cabinet.
    Q: What's Webster's new definition of the "perfect woman?"

    A: A deaf, dumb, blind nymphomaniac who owns a liquor store.
    Q: What's Webster's new definition of the "perfect man?"

    A: A guy with a 10 inch tongue that can breath through his ears.
    Q: What's the difference between an epileptic corn shucker and a
       prostitute with diarrhea?

    A: Well, he shucks between fits, and she...
    Q: What's six feet tall and eats ants?

    Q: What's worse than a pitbull with AIDS?

    A: The guy who gave it to him.
    Q: What's the difference between a Sorority girl and a bowling ball.
    A: You can only stick three fingers in a bowling ball.
    Q: Who's the most popular guy a nudist camp?

    A: The one who can carry two cups of coffee and six donuts.
    Q: Who's the most popular girl at a nudist camp?

    A: The one who can eat the sixth donut.
    Q: How do you screw a fat girl?

    A1: Roll her in flour and go for the wet spot!
    A2: Or tell her to piss and follow it upstream!
    Q: What's the difference between a sigma alpha mu co-ed and a toilet

    A: Toilet bowls don't follow you around after you use them.
    Q: Did you hear about the old man who streaked the flower show?

    A: He won first prize for the best dried arrangement.
    Q: What do you call a woman who uses to much contraceptive cream?

                               Humor Digest - May 90

                                 Sexual One-Liners

    A: A Spermicidal maniac.
    Q: How do you make a hormone?

    A: Put sand in the Vaseline.
    Q: What do you give an eighty year old woman for her birthday?

    A: Mikey.  He'll eat anything.
    Q: What does an elephant use for a vibrator

    A: An epileptic pygmy!
    Q: Did you know their is a serial number on a condom?

    A: I guess you've never rolled it down that far.
    Q: How do you know when you get really good head?

    A: When you have to pry the bed sheets out of your ass.
    Q: Why was Rock Hudson buried with his ass out of the ground?

    A: So his friends could stop by for a cold one!
    Q: What is there in common between Hellen Keller giving you a blow-job
       and Hellen Keller being in the Mob?

    A: One slip of the tongue, and she's in deep shit.
    Q: What do fags call hemorrhoids?

    A: Speed Bumps!
    Q: What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?

    A: A cherry float!
    Q: Why did the fly fall off the toilet?

    A: He was pissed off!
    Q: What's the problem with oral sex?

    A: The view.
    Q: Did you know AIDS is a form of food-poisoning?

    A: You get it from eating rotten hotdogs.
    Q: What did the polish woman do after sucking cock?

                               Humor Digest - May 90

                                 Sexual One-Liners

    A: Pulled all the feathers out of her mouth!
    Q: Why was Eve (as in Adam and Eve) considered to be the first
       computer programmer?

    A: She was holding an apple in one hand and a wang in the other.
    Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster with a telephone pole?

    A: A 20 foot cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.
    Q: What is the advantage of being a test tube baby?

    A: You get a womb with a view!
    Q: Why did the condom fly across the room?

    A: It was pissed-off!
    Q: What do you get when you cross a fag with a patriot?

    A: A man with one hand on his heart and another up his butt.
    Q: What do you get if you cross a parrot and a lion?

    A: Something that says "Polly want a cracker .  .  .  NOW MOTHER FUCKER!"

                               Humor Digest - May 90

                                UnCategorized Stuff

    You know you're fat when...
      ...you jump in the pool so your friends can go surfing.
      ...you have to apply your makeup with a paint roller.
      ...you get a hiccup in your swim suit and it looks like someone
         adjusting a venetian blind.
      Diplomacy is the art of being able to say "nice doggie" until you
    have time to locate a rock.
      We're in a world that if you call the police and then call Domino's,
    the pizza get's there first!
                            COST STUDY ON A WOOD STOVE

      In the rush to develop alternative technologies to relieve our
    dependency on non-renewable fuel, the high initial costs of some "solar"
    systems are being overlooked.  Below is a list of expenditures covering
    the first years operation of a wood burning stove.

    Stove, pipe, maintenance, etc.                             $ 458.00
    Chain Saw                                                    149.95
    Gas and maintenance for chain saw                             44.60
    4-wheel drive pick-up                                       8279.00
    Replacement of rear window of pick-up (twice)                438.99
    Fine for cutting trees in provincial park                    500.00
    Fifteen cases of beer                                        126.00
    Tow charge from creek                                         50.00
    Littering fine                                                50.00
    Doctors fee for removing splinters from eye                   45.00
    Emergency room treatment (broken toes from dropped log)      125.00
    Safety shoes                                                  49.50
    New living room carpet                                       899.00
    Paint walls and ceiling                                      110.00
    Log splitter                                                 150.00
    Fifteen-acre woodlot                                        3000.00
    Replacement of coffee table (chopped up and burned
                                           while drunk)           75.00
    Divorce settlement                                         33678.00
    Total first years cost                                     48881.54
    savings in conventional fuel first year                     -172.52
    NET cost of wood stove operation first year.               48709.02

      If you've seen the popular new personal computers, you know the major
    drawback - they are so SMALL.  They do not look like computers.  Where are
    the big dials and whirring, beeping things?  Where are the spools of thick
    black tape that spin from side to side?


                               Humor Digest - May 90

                                UnCategorized Stuff

      Relax.  Megadot is proud to introduce the Megadata 10,000,000
    Microcomputer, the first portable computer too big to be legally
    transported on many American roads.  Employing the most cumbersome
    macrocircuitry available today, the Megadata 10,000,000 is the only
    portable computer built to withstand a direct nuclear strike.  A five
    hundred gigabyte internal memory vault stores a universe of information,
    and also smelts ore.  And how's this for convenience: the Dynarobic
    fanfold tractor option is also a mini-helipad!


      The Megadata 10,000,000's full vent-to-bore I/O compatibility insures
    months of tedious cocktail-party conversation.  Naturally, a complete
    software library is just one part of the total package, including:
    II Employee Discipline Package.

      The Megadata 10,000,000 is equipped with fully-featured Touch-Tronic
    numeric keypad that boasts an individual key for every number from 1 to
    1,000.  One-stroke convenience eliminates costly calculation errors!
    Megadata's patented 11,872-key character board lets you compute in any
    alphabet currently known to man.  Built-in ink jet printer accepts paper
    up to 40 feet across, 11 miles long.  Special patented process lets you
    print on polished marble, too - without sticking or jamming!  FCC-assured
    lambent radiation reduces the size of many simple tumors, gradually
    eliminates the need for sunglasses.  Lead-impregnated testicle cup
    included with every purchase.


      Can You Afford NOT To Own A Computer That Costs $1.1 Billion?
    Shipping Not Included.

                               Humor Digest - May 90

                               UnCategorized Sexual

                                AIDS Update Report

    If you catch it from a cocktail waitress ................... BARMAIDS
    If you get it from a Virgin ................................ FIRST AIDS
    If you get it from someone wearing skates .................. ROLL-AIDS
    If you get it from  somebody at the beach .................. MERMAIDS
    The place Jerry Falwell says you go for getting it ......... HAIDES
    This epitaph is on Rock Hudson's tombstone:

    Ashes to ashes,
    dust to dust,
    if he had stuck with pussy
    he'd still be with us.

                               Humor Digest - May 90

                                    Clean Jokes

                                 The Bell-Ringer I

         Quasimodo, the armless hunchback, applied for the job of bell-ringer
    at Notre Dame cathedral.  The head monk was skeptical, and decided to try
    to discourage Quasimodo, for after all, how can a man with no arms pull on
    a bell rope to sound the bell every hour?  Quasimodo insisted that he
    could do the job adequately, and was so persistent that the monk agreed to
    accompany Quasimodo to the tower so that he could demonstrate how he would
    do the job with no arms.
         After a long, arduous climb up many flights of stairs, the two men
    made it to the top of the tower.  Quasimodo then proceeded to show the
    monk how he could ring the bell without pulling on the rope: he backed up
    as far as the confines of the bell room would allow, took a running start,
    and slammed his _face_ into the bell with all of his might!  CLANGGGGGG!
    The monk was horrified, and tried to discourage Quasimodo, but he insisted
    that he needed the work, and, again after a running start hurled himself
    face-first into the huge bell.  CLANNNGGGGGG!  The monk at last agreed,
    reluctantly, to hire the hunchback to ring the bells on a regular basis.
         Quaismodo had been on the job for several days, performing his
    gruesome task to perfection, when on one particular occasion after a
    rainstorm he had the misfortune to slip on the tower's wet floor when
    running for the bell, and he fell from the tall tower to his death on the
    sidewalk below.  A crowd quickly gathered around the unfortunate
    hunchback, stunned at what had just happened.  One onlooker asked, "Does
    anyone know who he was...?", to which another replied, "I don't know his
    name, but his face rings a bell..."
                                The Bell-Ringer II

         Do you remember Quasimodo, the armless hunchback, who rang the bells
    with his face at Notre Dame cathedral until his untimely accident?  Well,
    it seems that his brother, who also was an armless hunchback, presented
    himself to the head monk to ask for Quasimodo's old job, and yes, he, too,
    rang the bell with his face.  After extracting a promise from him to be
    more careful than his brother had been, the monk hired him, and he
    performed his duties efficiently as his brother before him had done.
         Then came the fateful day when he, too, slipped and fell out of the
    tower, meeting essentially the same fate has his brother Quasimodo had.
    Once again a crown of horrified onlookers gathered 'round, and again the
    question was asked, "Does anyone know who this man was...?", to which the
    reply was, "I don't know his name, but he's a dead ringer for his
         One day there were three women who were walking along the beach.
    They came upon an old brass lamp lying in the sand.  Since they were women
    and therefore predisposed to cleaning things anyway, they began to stroke
    the lamp gently when suddenly a smoke cloud shot forth from the lamp and a
    djinn appeared from the cloud.
         "Thank you for releasing me from my prison," boomed the djinn.  "I
    will grant each of you a wish for your good deed."
         The first woman spoke up quickly, declaring, "I wish to be ten times
    as smart as I am now."
         The djinn waved his arms and exclaimed, "Your wish is granted!"

                              Humor Digest - June 90

                                    Clean Jokes

         The next woman thought for a second and said, "Well, I wish to be a
    hundred times as smart as the first woman."
         Again the djinn waved his arms and pronounced, "So be it!"
         Finally the third woman said, "Well, I wish to be a thousand times
    smarter than the last woman!"
         The djinn grinned hugely, waved his arms, and turned her into a MAN.
         There once was this little old man from the hills who wandered into
    the settlement one day to get some supplies.  He happened upon this
    supermarket and proceeded to shop.  When he got to the checkout,the clerk
    was ringing up his items, when the old man said, "Dammit I almost forgot,
    do you have any, uh, toilet paper?"
         The clerk said "Of course"
         The old man said "What is the cheapest kind ya got?"
         The clerk replied, "Well that would be the generic brand."
         "What's Generic?!?" said the old man.
         The clerk answered,"Oh, you know that is the no-name brand over
         So the old man bought some of it and left.  A week later he returned
    and said to the clerk,"Ya know, I got a name for that there no-name toilet
         "Really?"questioned the clerk.
         "Yeah, John Wayne Toilet Paper---It's rough and tough and it don't
    take no shit offa nobody!"
         A guy goes into a doctor's office and sits down in the waiting room.
    After a few minutes, he hears a series of screams and moans from the
    examining rooms, followed by a hastily departing nun.  Moments later the
    doctor appears, with an immensely satisfied grin on his face.
         Man: "What on earth happened back there?"
         Doc: "I just told Sister Mary she was pregnant."
         Man: "Goodness, is she?"
         Doc: "Of course not."
         Man: "Well then, that was an awful thing to say!"
         Doc: "On the contrary, it cured her hiccups."
         When two six foot tall mosquitos alighted in front of a man.  He was
    so horrified, that he was unable to move.
         One of the mosquitos said, "Should we eat him here or take him back
    home with us?"
         The other one said, "Let's eat him here.  If we take him back, the
    big mosquitoes will take him away from us."
         A traveler stopped to observe the curious behavior of a farmer who
    was plowing his field.  The single mule hitched to the plow was wearing
    blinders, and the farmer was yelling, "Giddyap, Pete!  Giddyap, Herb!
    Giddyap, Ol' Bill!  Giddyap, Jeb!"
         After watching the farmer carry on like this for a while, the
    traveler asked, "Say, mister, how many names does that mule have?"
         "Just one, his name is Pete."
         "Then why do you call out Herb & Bill & Pete, & Jeb?"
         "It's like this," explained the farmer.  "If Ol' Pete knew he was
    doing all this work alone, I couldn't make him do it.  But if he thinks
    he's got three other mules workin' alongside of him, he does the whole job

                              Humor Digest - June 90

                                    Clean Jokes

    all by himself."
         "What a marvelous idea!" exclaimed the traveler.  And when he got
    back to his corporate office in New York, he invented the committee.
         Two retired Jewish millionaires met in Florida and were explaining to
    each other how they made their money.
         The first one says, "I built a new factory to manufacture textiles
    and insured it for 10 million dollars.  Unfortunately, it was only open
    one day when it burned to the ground."
         The second one says, "My story is similar.  I built a factory to
    manufacture mufflers.  Unfortunately, it was only open two days, when it
    was destroyed by a terrible flood.
         So the first millionaire says, "How did you start a flood?"
         Two hunters were off on their annual trip to the Canadian wilderness
    to bag moose.  As the seaplane landed on a lake in a remote area, the
    pilot said,"I'll be back in one week to pick you up.  But only one moose
    please." When he returned to the lake, he found the hunters proudly
    standing beside two moose.  "I told you guys only to bring back one
    moose!" the furious flier screamed.  "there's no way the plane can take
    off with that much weight!."
         "You're just a chicken pilot," one hunter said.  "We killed two moose
    last year, and that pilot wasn't afraid to take off."
         Stung by the suggestion of cowardice, the pilot reconsidered.  "All
    right, if you did it last year, I guess we can try it." So they loaded up,
    and the pilot taxied to the far end of the lake to begin his takeoff.  The
    plane bounced across the water as it strained to get airborne, but the
    overloaded aircraft finally ran out of space, and crashed into the trees.
         Some time later, the hunters regained consciousness.  "Where are we?"
    one asked.
         His friend looked around at the scattered debris, then back at the
    edge of the lake, and replied,"Oh I guess about 100 yards farther than
    last year."
         There were three pregnant Indian squaws laying on animal hides about
    to give birth.
         The first squaw, who was laying on a buffalo hide, gave birth to a 6
    lb.  5 oz.  baby boy.
         The second, who was laying on a deer hide, gave birth to a 5 lb.  5
    oz.  baby boy.
         The third, who was laying on a hippopotamus hide, gave birth to twin
    boys totalling 11 lb.  10 oz.
         Therefore, we can conclude that the sons of the squaw on the
    hippopotamus hide equals the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.
         A workman is painting the ceiling of a convent, waaayyy up on a
    ladder, when he drops his paintbrush.
         "Son of a bitch!" he yells.
         At that very moment, Mother Superior happens to walk into the room
    and hear him.
         "I will not tolerate obscenity in a House of the Lord!  If you must
    say something, say Jesus, Mary, and Joseph."
         The workman grunts a response, gets his brush and continues his
    work.  Sure enough, a few minutes later he drops the brush again.

                              Humor Digest - June 90

                                    Clean Jokes

         "Son of a...  I mean, Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!"
         Mother Superior looks at him approvingly when all of a sudden the
    brush levitates off the floor right back into his hand!
         Mother Superior says, "Son of a bitch!"
         Harry Sharp finally developed a way to clone human beings.  To test
    it, he made a duplicate of himself, and took the duplicate before a board
    of peers.  However, Harry's system had some bugs.
         At the review, Harry, asked his duplicate to recite the method of
    cloning for the board, upon which the duplicate recited the most foul
    string of obscenities ever heard.  Harry was aghast, and struck the
    duplicate, causing it to fall out of a window, to it's death from the 5th
    floor room they were in.
         Harry was arrested and charged with making an obscene clone fall.
         When Thomas Edison invented the lightbulb, he had trouble selling
    it.  People just didn't trust this "new" way of making light.  In order to
    promote his idea he decided to go around the country installing lights in
    different towns in order to drum up publicity.
         While in Oklahoma, Edison stopped by an Indian reservation and
    offered to put lights in any building they wanted.  After much thought the
    Indian chief decided that he wanted lights in his outhouse, so he could
    see what he was doing at night.
         This made him the first man to wire a head for a reservation!
         Bob had been out diving off the Florida Keys for days looking for
    sunken treasure, but had had no luck.  One day, while wading back onto the
    beach, he tripped over a chest filled with diamonds, rubies, and
         Bob was heard to say as he carried the chest away, "Well it just goes
    to show you that booty is only shin deep!"
         Two Ukrainians went hunting when one accidentally shot the other.
    The shooter rushed the shot to the hospital and watched while they wheeled
    his friend into the O.R.
         Ten minutes later the doctor came out peeling off is gloves and
    shaking his head.  Our friend Worriedly asked, "He not make it Doctor?"
         The doctor said his friend was dead.
         "Anything I should of done?" asked the shooter.
         "Well," replied the doctor, "If that ever happens to you again, for
    goodness sake, don't gut him!"
         This family just moved into a new town.  They had two little hellion
    boys that just terrorized the teachers at their previous school.  The
    nearest school in their new town was a Catholic school.
         Well, they weren't Catholic, but they decided to send their two boys
    there anyway hoping, perhaps, that the Nuns there would be able to
    straighten these boys out.  One day, the younger of the two, after
    numerous incorrigible acts, so infuriated a nun that she grabbed him by
    the scruff of the neck, and hauled him down to the head priest.
         The head priest sat him down across from his desk, and told him
    "Satan is controlling you.  He is why you are bad.  Don't you know, that
    no matter where you are or what you do, that God is always there, always
    watching you?  God is everywhere.  He's at your home, here at school,

                              Humor Digest - June 90

                                    Clean Jokes

    where ever you are, He is there, whether you are naughty, nice, good or
    bad, he is always there watching you!" He spoke for 15 minutes, hoping to
    get through to the boy.
         After he was done with his speech, he asked the boy "Now, where is
         The boy just shrugged.
         Again, the priest asked "Where is God?"
         Again, the boy just shrugged.
         By now, the priest was getting upset, and pointed at the boy and
    asked "WHERE IS GOD!?"
         The boy looked around, under his chair, dropped his head down a
    little bit and shrugged.
         The priest was furious by now, and yelled at the boy "Go home!  Get
    your mother, and bring her back here with you!"
         Well, by this time, school was already out, and all the kids had gone
    home, so the boy runs home as fast as he can.  When he gets home, his
    older brother is outside playing.  He runs over to him, grabs a hold of
    him and says, "Get in the house, we're in big trouble."
         He pulls his brother inside the house, "Come on upstairs, quick!"
         Upstairs they went.
         He pulls his brother in the bedroom, "Get in here, fast!"
         He opens the closet "Get in here, NOW!"
         He closes the closet door and says "We're in real big trouble now!"
         His brother asks, "What, what is it?  What did we do?"
         "God is missing, and they're blaming us!"
         After a ladies car had leaked motor oil on her cement driveway, she
    bought a large back of Cat Litter to soak it up.  It worked so well, that
    she went back to the convenience store to get another bag to finish the
         The clerk remembered her.  Looking thoughtfully at her purchase, he
    said, "Lady, it that were my cat, I'd put him outside."
         The priest had to be out of town for a few weeks, so a replacement
    was brought in to hear confessions.  During the confessions, several women
    from the parish told the priest that they had committed adultery.  The
    priest told them that the word "Adultery" was a little strong, and that
    they should used the word "Slipped" instead.
         Well, after a few weeks, the regular priest returned, and, not
    knowing the substitute priests usage of the word "Slip", was surprised to
    hear that the women thought that slipping was a sin...
         The priest decided to have a talk with the groundskeeper, telling him
    that he needed to take better care of the sidewalks, as several of the
    women were slipping frequently.  The groundskeeper (knowing what they had
    meant), immediately started laughing.
         The priest looked at him and said "I don't know what you're laughing
    about, your wife slipped three times last week!"
         Now Uncle Pete never asked the Lord for anything, But one day he
    heard about this Oregon Lottery...  He began to think about it, and think
    about it...  Then a couple of days later, he asked the Lord:
         "You know Lord, I never asked you for anything, I've been going to
    church every Sunday, Praising you and thanking you for what I have, And I
    sure would like to win that lottery!" Well a couple of years went by and

                              Humor Digest - June 90

                                    Clean Jokes

    Uncle Pete still wanted to, and didn't win that Oregon Lottery.
         One day while plowing a field he starts thinking about not winning
    the lottery, and get frustrated, so he decides to ask the Lord why He
    won't help him win the lottery.
         He yelled up at the sky,"Lord, I never asked you for ana' thin' but
    ta' win that there Oregon Lottery, and You never did help, Well WHY?"
         Then the clouds above began to part and in a booming voice he heard
    the Lord say: " Pete, I'm gonna need some help on this, You have to buy a
    ticket first."
         A guy goes into his doctor's office and he has a frog growing out of
    his forehead.
         The doctor looks at him and says "How did this happen?"
         The frog then says " I don't know, he started out as a wart on my
         A guy who is in the hospital is listening to his doctor.  The doctor
    says "Well we have good news and we have bad news."
         The guy, being brave, says "OK doc, give me the bad news."
         The doctor says "We are going to have to amputate both your feet."
         The man says "My GOD!  What's the good news?"
         The doc replies "The man in the next room wants to buy your bedroom
         At a funeral home, a friend comes over and asks, "How did your
    Mother-in-Law Die?"
         The man replied, "She fell in a Wishing Well!"
         The friend looking surprised says, "I didn't know those things
         Three men have been on a deserted island for 12 years: an Englishman,
    a Welshman and an Irishman.  One day the Englishman is walking down the
    beach and spies a bottle.  He takes it back to the hut and shows it to his
    buddies.  In the course of handling the bottle, it gets rubbed and....
    (well, you know the rest)...  A genie appears and offers them three
    wishes.  After a little deliberation they decide that each man will take
    one wish.  The Genie agrees and asks the Englishman what he wants....
         "To be back in Blighty, watching cricket and sipping tea!", he
    replies.  There's a WHOOOOOSH, and the Englishman disappears.
         The genie asks the Welshman the same question.
         "To be back in Pontypool, playing rugby and singing hymns!" WHOOOSH,
    the Welshman disappears!
         "What is your wish?", the genie asks the Irishman.  "Well, I wish
    Cedric and John hadn't rushed off like that, I didn't get to say
         A man driving up to a ski lodge in Colorado this winter had the
    misfortune to get stuck in the snow along the way.  Looking forward to his
    vacation, he walked the remaining 3 miles through the snowstorm to the
         When he arrived, he noticed a group of lawyers sitting around the
    fireplace, who did not make room for him to warm himself.  One of them
    noticed how bad he looked and commented "You look like you been to Hell

                              Humor Digest - June 90

                                    Clean Jokes

    and back!".  While another said "Maybe you can tell us what it's really
    like there!".
         The man replied, "It's pretty much the same as here: all the lawyers
    are closest to the fire".
         John lives in a subdivision that branches off of the main highway.
    He drives a corvette, and thinks the only two speeds are "STOP" and "FULL
         One day, when he was late for work, he comes tearing out the road
    from his house, tops the little hill before getting to the main road, and
    sees a police car blocking the road.  He slams on the brakes and comes to
    a screeching halt about 6 inches from the police car.  The policeman, who
    had often seen him driving fast, walked up and said "Mister, I've been
    waiting for you all morning..."
         John replied "Well gosh, I got here as fast as I could!"
         A young man wished to purchase a present for his sweetheart and after
    careful consideration, he decided on a pair of gloves.  Accompanied by his
    sweetheart's sister, he went to a department store and bought a pair of
    white gloves.  The sister bought a pair of panties for herself.  During
    the wrapping, the items got mixed up.  The sister got the gloves and the
    sweetheart got the panties.  Without checking the contents, he sealed the
    package and sent it to her with this note.

    Dear Darling,
         This is a gift to show you I have not forgotten your birthday.  I
    chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any
    when we go out in the evening.  If it had not been for your younger
    sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears
    the short ones that are very easy to remove.  These are a delicate shade,
    but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair she had been wearing for
    three weeks that were not too badly soiled.  I had the sales girl try them
    on and she really looked smart.  I wish I could put them on you for the
    first time.  No doubt other men's hands will come in contact with them
    before I have a chance to see you again.  When you take them off, blow in
    them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from
    wearing.  Be sure to keep them on when you clean them or they might
    shrink.  I hope you will like them and will wear them for me on Friday

                                   All my love,

    P.S.  Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year.
    Also, the latest style is to wear them folded down with the fur showing.

                              Humor Digest - June 90

                                   Ethnic Jokes

         Stash, a pollack, lives on a steep and thickly grassed hill with a
    lake at the bottom.  Every week, he would go out and mow the lawn.  After
    countless months of pushing the mower up and down the hill he decided
    there had to be a better way, so he tied a rope to the mower, stands at
    the top of the hill and lowers the mower down and pulls it back up.
         This works fine until the rope breaks and the mower rolls down the
    hill into the lake.  He immediately runs down the hill and jumps into the
    lake after it.
         His friend, who has been watching, becomes concerned when, after
    several minutes, his friend does not come out of the lake.  There is a
    tree nearby with an overhang limb, so he climbs out and looked down into
    the lake.  Sure enough, there is his friend pulling away on the starter
    rope, so he hollers down "CHOKE IT STASH, CHOKE IT!"
         It seems these two black dudes where walking down the street one day
    when they came upon a D-TANNING SALON.  It had a sign on the wall that
    read, "GRAND OPENING ...  D-TANNING SPECIAL ...  99 cents for 15
         Said the first black to his friend, "Dat sounds good; I'd sure like
    to get rid of some of dis black col'r".  With that he dug in his pocket
    and came up with only 98 cents.The second black then dug in his pocket and
    come up with a dollar.  "Look'a here, bro, I'll give it a try first and if
    it works, then you can go in" and with that, he goes in.
         After about 20 minutes, he comes out.  He now had a light tan, kinda
    like a white boy gets in mid summer.  Even his hair was brown with streaks
    of blond.
         The first black got all excited, saying, "Bro, you sure look good!
    Now, give me the money so I can go get me a treatment!"
         To which the other guy said, "STICK YOU NIGGER!  GET A JOB!"
         Two guys contract to paint a flag pole.  Of course they need to know
    how tall it is so they can purchase the paint.  One shimmies up the pole
    with a tape measure and falls after reaching about half way.  While trying
    to figure out how they can possibly measure the pole along comes a BIG
    black guy.
         After asking what they're doing he reaches around the pole and pulls
    it on of the ground and lays it down.  "There you go," he says as he walks
         Thee two men look at each other and one said.  "Those stupid blacks
    will never get anywhere.  We don't need to know how wide it is just how
         This black guy walks into a bar with a beautiful parrot on his
         "Wow!" says the bartender.  "That is really something.  Where did you
    get it?"
         "Africa." says the parrot.
         Did you hear about the Pole who lost $50 on the Football game?
         $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay.
         Three Guys on a roof.  One's Mexican One's black and one's Polish.
    The building is burning down and the fire department shows up.

                              Humor Digest - June 90

                                   Ethnic Jokes

         Fireman: "Hey, Mexican, jump and we will catch you in the net."
         He jumps and the firemen move the net out of the way and he bounces
    off the ground.
         Fireman: "Hey black dude jump and we will catch you in the net."
         Black Dude: "No way you let the Mexican die."
         Fireman: "We just don't like mexicans.  We will catch you.  Jump!"
         The black guy jumps and bounces off the ground dead.
         Fireman: "Hey pollack you better jump the fire is spreading."
         Pollack: "No way you'll move the net.  Set it on the ground and then
    I'll jump!"
         A high school basketball coach after having been accused of racial
    discrimination decided to handle it in his own way.
          He said, "On this team, there are no White players, and there are no
    Black players.  All I see, are Green Players!  All right, now lets
    practice...  I want all the Light Green Players over here, and all the
    Dark Green Players over there!"
         After taking a few lessons on flying a helicopter, the Moron took his
    first solo flight.  After reaching an altitude of about 300 feet, he and
    the helicopter came crashing to the ground.
         Afterward, when asked what had happened, he said: "The last thing I
    remember, is that it started to get chilly up there, so I turned off the
    Overhead Fan!"

                              Humor Digest - June 90

                                    Gross Jokes

         There are two guys riding a camel in the dessert.  One guy has wicked
    chapped lips and the other guys lips are fine.  When they come to a stop
    the guy with the chapped lips is puts his hand in the camels ass, pulls
    out a handfull of shit, and rubs it on his lips.  The other guy thinks
    this is kind of strange, but decides to keep quiet about it.
         So there after everytime they stop the guy with the chapped lips puts
    his hand in the camels ass, pulls out a handfull of shit, and rubs it on
    his lips.
         Finally the other guy can't stand it any longer and asks, "What's the
    deal with the camel shit?  Is there some kind of magic in it?"
         The other guy turns and says to him, "No it just keeps me from
    licking my lips."
         A woman was a customer in a bakery and while she was waiting her turn
    she idly glanced through the door to the back room of the bakery and
    watched a baker in front of an oven while he was working.
         The baker took a small piece of dough from a tray, pressed the dough
    against his belly button and then threw the piece of dough on to a tray in
    the oven.  The man did this continuously for several minutes.
         The woman was the curious type and when her turn came to be waited on
    she asked the clerk what the man was doing.
         The clerk said the man was shaping pieces of dough into cookies.
         The woman stated that this was not very sanitary.
         The clerk said, "If you think that is unsanitary, you should see him
    when he makes the bagels."
         This guy goes in to see the proctologist.  The proctologist has him
    up on the table and says, "Well, there sure is something unusual here.  I
    can't really see.  I wish I had a light."
         The patient grunts and groans and passes a beer can out of his anus.
         The doctor says, "No, I meant a butt light".
         A huge truck driver is sitting at a bar having a drink when this
    little pipsqueak of a guy walks in and asks who own's the pit bulldog
         The truck driver hollers "It's MY dog!  What's it to you!"
         The little runt says "Nothing, but I think my dog just killed
         The truck driver jumps up and says "WHAT!  What kind of dog do you
    have anyway?"
         The other guy replies "A toy poodle."
         "A poodle!" the truck driver yells.  "How in the hell can a poodle
    kill a pit bulldog!?!"
         "Well," replied the little guy," I think he choked on it..."
         A vietnam vet with a limp is out walking one day.  Coming toward him
    from the opposite direction he see's another man walking and dragging his
         As they meet the vet say's "Nam 1969."
         The other man replies, "Dogshit 4th and main!"

                              Humor Digest - June 90

                                    Other Jokes

         A blind guy was standing at a street corner with his seeing eye dog
    when the dog hiked his leg and proceeded to take a leak on the blind guys
    pants leg.  The blind guy then reaches in his pants and gets a doggy
    biscuit and hands it down to the dog.
         A woman passing by saw this incidence and walked up to the man and
    said' "NO!  you shouldn't give your dog a reward!  He just pissed on your
         The blind guy says, "I'm not trying to reward him, I'm trying to find
    his face so I can kick him in the ass!"
         There was this guy who was hunting close to a barn.  Suddenly, a wild
    duck flies out from it's hiding place...  the hunter aims and shoots...
    BINGO!  A perfect hit, with the exception that the duck ended up INSIDE
    the barn.  He looks around checking for guard-dogs and since he doesn't
    see any, he jumps the fence and goes towards a cabin in the barn to pick
    up his prize.
         As he bends to pick up his duck, a redneck steps out of the cabin and
    yells at him: "Hey!  Leave that duck alone!  What the hell are you doing
    inside my property?"
         The hunter explains to him that the duck is his since he shot it
    down.  They end up having a discussion about who will end up with the
         Then the redneck says to the other guy: "Ok, let's settle this the
    local way..."
         The hunter asks how does that work, and the redneck replies: "We kick
    each other in the groin, as hard as we can, until one of us gives up.  The
    one who can ends up with the duck, ok?"
         The hunter agrees, and asks who will go first.
         The redneck claims to be first since they are in the barn.
         After grinding his teeth, the hunter says ok.  The redneck takes a
    swing and kicks the hunter...  the hunter is in the floor now, screaming
    his head out and rolling in the grass like he's being eaten alive by
         After ten minutes of REAL intense pain, the hunter, panting, gets on
    his feet and says: "My turn now!"
         The redneck replies "I give up...  you can keep the duck!"

                              Humor Digest - June 90

                                   Sexual Jokes

         Did you hear the one about the atheist that went to the whore house?
    He went in and paid his money, picked out a girl and went upstairs.
         When they got to the room she asked if he wanted the light on or
    off.  He said off.  She laid down on the bed and asked "what religion are
    you?" to which he replied atheist.  About that time he dropped his pants
    and she was staring at that BIG ol thing hanging down between his knees.
    She jumped up, and said "You'll have to pick someone else, I can't handle
         So, they went back down stairs, he picked another girl, and back up
    they went.  She asked do you want the light on or off?  He said on.  She
    asked what religion are you?  He replied atheist.  And again, she couldn't
    handle what she saw.
         So, back downstairs they went, he picked out another and they went
    back up.  However, by now he had figured out what he was doing wrong.  She
    asked, do you want the light on or off?  He replied OFF!  She asked what's
    your religion?  He replied atheist.  Then climbed in bed with her.  She
    said, Oh , your one of those people that don't believe in...JESUS CHRIST!
         There was the sales man who was selling condoms door to door.  The
    first house he stopped at, a lady answered the door.  The sales man said,
    "Hi, I'm selling condoms".
         About this time the lady had pulled out a cigarette and began smoking
    it.  The sales man went on, "Would you like to buy one?" The sales man was
    stunned when the lady pulled out another cigarette and started to smoke
    the two at the same time!
         Then, The lady asked "What are condoms?"
         The sales man replied (Taking advantage of the lady and her
    cigarettes) "Well, You put them over your cigarettes and smoke them!" The
    lady took one and placed it over the cigarette and smoked it!
         "Pretty good" she said and bought 5 more.
         The next day, the lady had ran out of condoms so she ran down to the
    nearest convenience store and the man at the counter, "Do you have any
         The man replied, "What size?"
         To which the lady replied,"Do you have any that fit camels?"
         Once upon a time, in a faraway kingdom, a young couple was going to
    get married.  Now in this country, young people knew very little about
    sex, and just before the wedding ceremony, another couple was chosen to
    explain the 'facts' to them.
         Now the couple that was chosen were notorious practical jokers, and
    they planned a DOOZY for the bride and groom.
         The husband met the groom in the room that was prepared, and said to
    him, "You gotta be careful, 'cause some girls have TEETH down there, and
    if you're not careful, she'll bite off your thing!  So test her with your
    knee first."
         The groom, now slightly nervous agreed that he would.
         Meanwhile in another room the wife was talking to the bride about a
    similar subject...
         "See, those things come in different sizes.  You have to watch out
    for the big ones; sometimes they are so big that a girl wouldn't survive
    the experience, so when he comes at you, put your hand in front of you and
    see what size it is first.  Men are so full of lust at this moment that

                              Humor Digest - June 90

                                   Sexual Jokes

    they will not listen to you, so use your fingernails to fight him off."
         The ceremony was beautiful, and soon came the honeymoon.  The groom
    turned off the lights, and they both got undressed and into bed.
         Two minutes later screams issued forth from the honeymoon suite.
         And they slept separately ever after.
         This prostitute was in bed after finishing with a john and she
    noticed he left his condom on the bed.  Feeling tired, she threw the
    condom out of the window next to the bed instead of getting up and
    disposing of it in the toilet.
         She fell asleep and several hours later, she woke up and glanced out
    the window.  She noticed a little boy had picked the condom and was
    playing with it.  She didn't want him to have it so she said "Hey kid,
    I'll pay you 10 dollars for that twinkie."
         The boy readily agreed, and ran home with his money.  Upon arriving
    home, he yell, "Mommy, Mommy!  This girl paid me 10 dollars for a twinkie
    and I had already licked the cream out of the middle!"
         A nun and a priest were traveling through the North African desert to
    establish an outpost of civilized religion among the heathens.
         After some five days of travel without passing water they began to
    dehydrate.  Even the camel they were riding began to falter.  Finally the
    camel died and they ran out of water and they were faced with death.  They
    talked about their end in a far off lonely place.  They had no way of
    getting back to civilization without the camel.
         As they began to talk of impending death the priest said, "Sister, I
    have never in my life seen the naked body of a woman.  Would you let me
    see yours'?"
         The nun replied "Yes." and thereupon she stripped and the priest
    looked at her body with curiosity.
         The nun said, "Father, I too have been curious about the human body
    and I have never seen the nude body of the opposite sex.  May I see
         The priest said "If that is your last wish I will gladly accede." He
    stripped and the nun looked at his body and stared at his tool.
         The priest noticed her starring at it and took it in his hand and
    said "This is the part of a man that gives life."
         The nun replied "Then why the hell don't you use it on the camel?!"
         A couple get married and, on the wedding night, the husband says,
    "Darling,all that I have is yours.  I have only one request: the top
    drawer of my dresser is private to me and I ask you never to open it."
         Well, they're married for twenty-five years and, although she was
    tempted many times to look in the drawer, she always resisted.  One day he
    has a heart attack.  Late at night she comes home from visiting him at the
    hospital.  She's so lonely and depressed at the thought that she might
    lose him, she finally looks into the drawer.
         When the husband recovers and returns home, she confesses that in a
    moment of weakness, she looked in the drawer.  The husband says, "Well, I
    can understand why you did it and I suppose you want to ask me something,
    so go ahead." "Well", she says, "All I saw in the drawer were three golf
    balls and $500.00 in cash.  Why didn't you want me to see it?"
         The husband replies, "During our marriage, whenever I was unfaithful
    to you I put a golf ball in the drawer."

                              Humor Digest - June 90

                                   Sexual Jokes

         "During twenty-five years of marriage, you were always good to me.
    If you were only unfaithful to me three times, I guess I can forgive you
    for that.  What is the $500.00 for?"
         "Well, each time I got a dozen balls in the drawer, I sold them for
    25 cents each."
         Seems there was this fellow who frequented whore houses, and had a
    very unusual way of gratification.
         One day, he went into the local house, and asked the Madam, for her
    most accommodating girl.She pondered for a moment, and Called for Suzie.
         They went up into the room, where the man had Suzie strip and lay on
    the bed.  He then got on the bed, squatted over her, and shit on her
    chest, paid his money and left.  He thereafter began to visit every week
    becoming a regular.  On each visit, the same thing happened.
         One day, he came to call on Suzie, horny as a heathen, but also
    constipated as a crippled coon.  After he squatted over Suzie all he could
    manage was a high, shrill fart.  Suzie began to cry uncontrollably.
         Looking up at the man, with tear filled eyes said, "You don't love me
         Two nuns are riding their bicycles toward the convent when one nun
    says to the other nun "Gee, I've never come this way before".
         The other nun replies "I know, I think it's the cobblestones".
         A rabbi and a priest were seated together on a cross-country flight.
    When an attractive flight attendant asked them if they would like
    cocktails, the rabbi said,"Yes, I'd like a Manhattan, please."
         "No thank you," the priest said, turning to explain to his seatmate.
    "As a priest, I can't drink or fornicate."
         "Wait a second,"the rabbi said, standing and waiving at the flight
    attendant, "I didn't know I had a choice."
    Some nuns ran an orphanage in a rural area.
         One day the mother superior called in the teenagers who were about to
    leave.  "You're going into a sinful world," she said.  "I must warn you
    that men will take advantage of you.  They'll buy you drinks and dinner,
    take you to their apartments, undress you and do terrible things to you.
    Then they'll give you $20 or $30 and kick you out."
         "Excuse me, Mother," one of the teenagers said.  "You mean men will
    take advantage of us and give us money?"
         "Yes child.  Why do you ask?"
         "Because the priests only give us candy."
         A guy returns home from his regular club meeting carrying a trophy.
    His wife asks him how he earned it.
         He says, "I won it in a longest penis contest."
         She says, "My, how awful, to show your penis in front of all those
         He says, "It wasn't that bad.  I only had to show enough to win."
         Superman was very horny and went out on the town to find himself a
    lady.  As he flew around he spotted Batman and said "Batman, let's go out
    on the town and find ourselves some women, I'm really horny!"
         Batman said he was too busy and couldn't join him.

                              Humor Digest - June 90

                                   Sexual Jokes

         Superman flew on and met up with Spiderman and extended the same
    invitation.  Spiderman declined also.
         Superman flew on and came upon this desert island and saw Wonder
    Woman laying spread eagle and buck ass naked on the island.  Elated at
    such easy prey, Superman flew in on her, zinged her 3 or 4 times and flew
         Wonder Woman said "What the hell was that?"
         The Invisible man replied "I don't have any idea, but my ass is
    killing me!"
         When the wife asks her husband to repair the dishwasher, he replies
    smartly, "Who do you think I am, Mr.  Maytag?"
         She says, "Well, alright then, fix the car instead."
         He comebacks back with: "Who do you think I am, Mr.  GoodWrench?  I
    think I'll just go play golf instead."
         So he carts off to the golf course.  Around the 5th hole, he begins
    to feel guilty, so he quits his game, and returns home.
         He goes into the house, and tells his wife that he is ready to repair
    the dishwasher and car.
         She replies, "They have already been fixed."
         He inquires as to who made these repairs.
         She replies, "The next door neighbor."
         He asks, "Well, what did you pay him."
         "Nothing, he gave me two choices.  Either bake him something, or come
    over to his bedroom."
         "Well, what did you bake him?"
         She curtly replies, "What do I look like, Betty Crocker?"
         A hunter asks a farmer if it is ok to hunt on his land.  The farmer
    says it's no problem.
         While hunting the hunter sees something move and he shoots.  When he
    inspects it, he finds he shot a scrawny cow.  So he goes back to the
    farmer and confesses.
         "Oh no!  not a scrawny little heffer?", cries the farmer.
         "Yea", says the hunter "but why are you so upset about that scrawny
         "That heffer's got a pussy just like a woman", explained the farmer.
         "Hey!  No problem!", says the hunter "I'll just introduce you to my
    wife.  She's got a pussy just like a COW!"
         There was this women who was having problems with her sex life, she
    was just not getting enough sex from her guy ( I wish she was my girl) so
    she went to see a sex therapist.
         After explaining her problem the doctor gave her a pill to slip in
    her boyfriends drink next time they had dinner and he assured her she
    would be in for a great time.
         The next day the doctor called her up and asked how she went, and the
    girl said she everything was perfect except for one thing.  "Well what was
    that?" the doctor asked.
         "Well I slipped the tablet into his drink at dinner and then he went
    wild, he grabbed me and kissed me and touched me like never before, then
    he pushed everything off the table and we made wild passionate steamy love
    right there on the dinner table, it was the best ever"
         The doctor then asked "Then what was your problem?

                              Humor Digest - June 90

                                   Sexual Jokes

         "I don't think we'll be welcome at McDonalds anymore"
         Bob had just finished washing his hands when he started to shave with
    a straight razor.  Unfortunately he left a little bit of soap on his
    hands, and when he was shaving his neck, the razor slipped out of his hand
    and cut off his dick.
         Bob then proceeded to say, "Well I'll be a son of a bitch".
         And his dick looked up at him and said, "You sure are a son of a
    bitch, for all these years we have been fist fighting, then all of the
    sudden you pulled a knife on me."
         Three seminarians about to undergo their final test before ordination
    were taken by an old priest in to a luxurious room, told to strip and then
    tie a small bell around their organ.
         Suddenly a ravishing girl entered the room, and one bell ding a
    linged furiously.
         "To the showers, Fogarty!" barked the old priest.
         Then, as the girl tantalizingly undressed, the father heard ding a
    ling, ding a ling.
         "Sorry about that, O'Brian.  The showers for you, too."
         Finally, alone with the naked lovely girl, the remaining seminarian
    watched as the girl writhed seductively about him; yet he somehow remained
    calm and the bell stayed silent.
         "Praise the Lord and congratulations, Featherstone!" the priest
    exulted.  "You made it!  Now go join those weaker souls in the showers."
         The parish priest couldn't resist the pretty young girl as she was
    reciting her confession: it was all too much for him.  He told her to come
    with him to his room.  There, he place his arm around her.
         "Did the young man do this to you?" he asked.
         "Yes, Father, and worse," the girl replied.
         "Hmm," said the priest.  He kissed her.
         "Did he do this?"
         "Yes, Father, and worse," the girl said.
         "Did he do this?" the priest asked, and he lifted her skirt and
    fingered her bush.
         "Yes, Father, and worse."
         By this time, the priest was thoroughly aroused.  He pulled the girl
    down onto the rug and inserted his penis, breathing heavily as he
    asked,"Did he manage to do this?"
         "Yes, Father, and worse," said the girl.
         When the priest had finished with the girl, he asked,"He did this
    too, and worse?  My dear daughter, what worse could he have done?"
         "Well," the shy young girl said, "I think, Father, that he's given me
         A couple in their seventies went to the doctor's office.
         The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?
         The man answered, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse"?
         The doctor looked puzzled but agreed.
         When the couple had finished, the doctor said, "There was nothing
    wrong with the way you had intercourse", and he charged them a $32.00
    fee.  This happened several weeks in a row.  The couple would make an

                              Humor Digest - June 90

                                   Sexual Jokes

    appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave.
         Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find
         The old man replied, "We're not trying to find out anything.  She is
    married so we can't go to her house.  I'm married so we can't go to my
    place.  The Holiday Inn charges $60.00 and the Hilton charges $78.00.  We
    do it here for $32.00 and get back $28.00 from Medicare for a visit to the
    Doctor's office".
         There were two guys that played charades every week, betting big
    money.  Tom always seemed to win, and Joe always lost.  Joe planned and
    planned, and came up with what he thought was the perfect way to win back
    his money.
         The day came to bet, and Joe brought in seven naked women.  He placed
    them so that the first one had her back to Tom, the second was facing him,
    the third with her back to him, the fourth facing him, and the last three
    with their backs to him.  "Guess that one!" he exclaimed, triumphantly.
         "Ah, that's easy--the William Tell Overture," responded Tom.
         "How did you guess?" asked Joe.
         "Rump titty rump titty rump rump rump!"
         A clerk in a grocery store was confronted by a man who demanded to
    buy 1/2 a head of lettuce.  The clerk explained that the man could not buy
    just 1/2, and the man proceeded to get obnoxious and head for the produce
    aisle with a knife to get his 1/2 head of lettuce.
         The clerk got the manager and explained to him that "Some asshole
    wants to buy 1/2 head of lettuce, and I told that dumb shit that he
    couldn't".  As he was talking to the manager, the man came up behind him
    and overheard the remark about the "asshole, dumb shit"....  the clerk,
    realizing too late that the man was behind him, quickly added "And this
    nice gentleman has graciously offered to buy the other 1/2...."
         The man purchased his 1/2 head of lettuce, and was off.  The manager,
    speaking to the clerk, told him, "I like your style, that was some quick
    thinking back there!  I'd like to offer you a promotion, I'll make you the
    new manager of our store up in Winnipeg!"
         "Winnipeg?!" The clerk replied, "There's nothing in Winnipeg but
    whores and hockey players!"
         "Waitaminute!" The Manager yelled, "My WIFE is from Winnipeg!"
         "Oh yea?  And what position does she play, sir?"
         A young gold-digger had her eye set on a wealthy 80-year-old.  She
    begged him for marriage, but he demurred, "My sweet, you are young and
    attractive, while I am old and worn out.  I'm sorry, but I fear I could
    never satisfy you.
         "But it's YOU I want," she persisted.  "Look, I've heard about a
    technique that doctors use to restore a man's virility.  It's called
    penile prosthetics.  You replace your, umm, very experienced but impotent
    penis with something more capable.  Please?  Please will you get one?
    It would make me SO happy!   And then we could marry
    and live happily together for the rest of our lives.  I only want this for
         "Well, perhaps we should investigate this," replied the codger.  So
    off to the doctor's office they went.
         She had heard right.  "There are indeed ways to restore a man's

                              Humor Digest - June 90

                                   Sexual Jokes

    sexual function through prosthetics," the doctor began.  "We have a
    variety of options here.  First, we can give you a penis of THIS size
    [holds up an average-sized dildo; the lady looks interested], or we can
    provide something a bit more formidable, if you don't mind the ego boost
    sir," and the doctor, smiling, holds up a tool about 8X2 inches; the girl
    perks up a bit.  "Or...  if the lady is truly adventurous, there is no
    reason we can't replace your current equipment with something decidedly
    effective." And of course he shows off a positively huge flesh-colored
         The girl claps her hands and giggles and exclaims, "Yes!  YES!
    That's the one we want!"
         The doctor waves her calm again, and leads into his next pitch.
    "These are all very nice of course, and if you decide you want one of
    them, no problem.  But I'd like to introduce you to a brand-new technique
    called ...  Pachydermial olfactorisis, or baby elephant trunk
    transplants.  It's new, but has had extremely, shall we say, satisfying
    results.  Basically we replace the man's penis with the trunk of a baby
    elephant.  Not a poached elephant, of course!  What do you think?"
         The couple thought it over, though the gutsy youngster had her mind
    made up within a second, and decided to try it.  The procedure was indeed
    VERY rewarding...  The old man, now convinced that he could keep the girl
    happy, agreed to the marriage.
         Things went fine, and finally the big day arrived.  The families
    gathered at the prospective groom's mansion for a pre-nuptial
         Dinner followed introductions and cocktails, and soon all were
    seated, and served.  The dinner went fine, until the mother of the bride,
    seated slightly opposite the groom, stopped speaking in mid-sentence.  She
    had just seen a gray object poke up from the groom's lap, feel around a
    bit, grab a baked potato, and disappear beneath the table!
         After digesting this odd scene, she asked the groom, "I'm not sure
    what I just saw there.  Could you, perhaps, repeat it?"
         The groom responded, "Well, I guess so, but I don't think there's
    room in my ass for another potato!"
                                  THE SOOTH SAYER

         Little Johnny came home from a school carnival scared out of his
    wits.  When asked the problem, Johnny told his parents that his palm had
    been read at the carnival and he was told that his mother would die a week
    from Wednesday, and that he would die the following Wednesday and that his
    father would die the third Wednesday.  His parents calmed little Johnny
    down and told him that all this was humbug and not to worry.
         Alas and to everyone's surprise little Johnny's mother did die
    Wednesday from a sudden stroke and the following Wednesday little Johnny
    was hit and killed by a drunk.  Of course little Johnny's father was shook
    by all this and it was the third Wednesday before he came to his senses.
         When he realized that it was Wednesday he was a bit relieved and
    decided to fix breakfast and read the paper.  He went to the front door
    for the paper, opened the door and there on the steps was the milkman -
         The staff at our local zoo has been quite upset.  The female ape had
    quit eating and drinking and just sat moping in her cage.  The zoo staff

                              Humor Digest - June 90

                                   Sexual Jokes

    had done everything known to vet science but the Ape was still depressed
    and seemingly doomed to die.
         Then one day, the staff heard the female Ape grunting and beating her
    chest.  On checking out the scene they found that she had eaten all of her
    food and drank water and was standing at the bars staring wistfully at a
    big male black who was sitting on a bench a short distance away.  After
    contemplating the Ape's behavior the staff came to the conclusion that the
    ape was in love with the black and ran out to enlist his services.  "Sir,
    it would be worth $500.00 for you to make love to our Ape.  You can see
    that she's quite taken with you", said the zoo keeper.
         Well, John Brown kind of rolled his eyes and told the staff that he
    was willing but there would be three conditions.
         "First" said John, "If that Ape comes down with any disease, it ain't
    my fault." "Second, if that Ape gets pregnant, I ain't responsible."
         The zoo staff assured John that the first two conditions would be met
    and then asked about the third condition.
         "Well the third condition concerns that $500.00.  The only way I will
    do it is if I can pay it out on time -- Say $50.00 a month!"
         Two Aggie women, late for the Superbowl game in New Orleans were
    driving down I-10 at a high rate of speed.  They unknowingly passed a
    state trooper who was parked by the side of the road relieving himself.
    The trooper jumps in his car, catches up with the law-breakers, and pulls
    them over.  He walks up and taps on the window (not realizing he forgot to
    zip up his pants).
         The Aggie girl driving the car, looked at the other and said, "Oh
    no!  Not another breath-a-lyzer test!"
         One day this guy was complaining about an ache in his arm, when a
    friend suggested that he go see the new doctor in town.  He said that this
    new doctor had every new piece of electronic equipment that was available
    and could tell you exactly what was wrong with you, right away.  The guy
    didn't believe this, but after awhile his arm got a lot worse and he
    decided to give this new doctor a try.
         So, he went to the doctor's office and was surprised to see that
    there was no examining rooms or labs, just a receptionist, a small office
    that the doctor was in and a huge room filled with computers and
    electronic devices.  The doctor told the guy that he could find out
    exactly what was wrong with him, by simply placing a urine sample in his
    analyzer and letting the computer evaluate it.  The guy was skeptical, but
    gave the doctor a sample.  The doctor placed it into the analyzer and in
    less than a minute he looked at the results, said that the guy had
    tendonitis, wrote him out a prescription and told him to bring in another
    urine sample in 2 weeks.
         When he went out, the receptionist gave him a bill for $100.  He
    asked her why it was so much when all he did was test a urine sample and
    she said it was because of the cost of all the equipment.  He paid it, but
    decided that the doctor was pulling a scam.  After all, anyone would
    figure that he had tendonitis when his arm was hurting.  He was sure the
    doctor was getting rich by preying on the ignorant and naive.
         After 2 weeks, his arm was feeling a lot better, but he was still
    sure that the doctor was a fake and decided to expose him.  He put some of
    his wife's urine in the jar and then some of his daughter's urine and then
    stirred it up with the dipstick from his Volvo.  Finally, he jacked off in

                              Humor Digest - June 90

                                   Sexual Jokes

    it and took it to the doctor, convinced that it would show him to be a
         The doctor put the specimen into his analyzer and then said that the
    man was in very bad shape.  "What's wrong with me, Doctor?", the man
    asked, feeling sure that the doctor was about to trip up.
         "Well," the doctor replied, "Your wife's got the clap.  You're
    daughter's pregnant.  You're Volvo needs its engine rebuilt and if you
    don't stop jacking off, your arm will never get better!"
         A guy walks into a bar, and he sees this surfer-type 'dude' with a
    tiny head.  He can't stop sneaking a glance at this guys' head, so the
    surfer finally grabs him by the neck and asks if he wants to hear about
    how his head got so small.
         The first guy protests, but the surfer tells him anyway: "I was
    walking along the beach when I saw this mermaid on the beach.  She tells
    me she'll do anything I want if I put her back in the water.  So, I do,
    and she asks me what I want.  I say I want to fuck her, but she says she
    has fins, so she can;t oblige.  So then I ask for a little head..."
         A guy is contemplating marriage and he wants to set it straight with
    his bride to be.
         He says, "I want you to know that I'm an avid Golfer, and that Golf
    will always be my number one LOVE!  For instance, if I should ever have to
    choose between visiting you on your death bed and playing a round of golf,
    I'll be found out on the golf course!"
         She says, "Well, I want you to know that I've been a hooker all my
         And he says, "Maybe your not holding the club right!"
         A old woman calls the Police department and says, "I have a Sex
    Maniac in my apartment.  Pick him up in the morning!"
         Two fine ladies were sitting at the bar when a guy walks in.  Seeing
    these lovely creatures, he makes his way to an open seat next to them at
    the bar.  While drinking his beer, he watches these beauties.
         Soon, one of the women gets up to go to the bathroom.  The guy turns
    around to watch a fantastic pair of "walking away jeans." The girl that is
    still at the bar moves over and sits next to the guy, and talks to him as
    he watches her friend.
         "You'd like to go out with her, wouldn't you?" she asked.
         "You bet", answered the guy.
         "You'd like to suck on her tits, too, huh?"
         "You bet!", answered the guy, starting to get excited that he may be
    getting fixed up with the girl.
         "You'd like to smell her pussy too, right?", asked the girl.
         "Well, yea", said the guy.
         At this the girl leaned over to him and exhales in his face.  "There
    you go," she says.
         A woman is waiting at a street corner for a bus.  She looks down the
    street and sees two derelict faggots lying along the curb.  The first
    faggot pulls out a syringe, sticks the needle in his arm, and then hands
    off the syringe to the other faggot.  Before he can shoot up, the woman
    hurries over to the faggots, obviously concerned.

                              Humor Digest - June 90

                                   Sexual Jokes

         "Aren't you aware that you can get AIDS when you share needles?" she
         "Ah, we thought of that", said the first faggot.  "We're wearing
         These three guys are on a safari in the deepest, darkest part of the
    jungle.  Suddenly, they are surrounded by natives.  The natives kidnap
    them and take them to their village, where they tie them up.  The leader
    of the tribe, who just happens to speak english, tells them they have a
    choice between death, and Unga Bunga.
         The first guy says, "I don't want to die." So the chief yells "Unga
    Bunga!" and 20 natives tie him face down between four stakes, rip his
    clothes off, and butt-fuck him.
         The second guy, after seeing this, decides it is better than death,
    so he endures the same treatment.
         The third guy feels Unga Bunga to be a fate worse than death, so he
    takes death.
         The chief turns to the tribe and yells "Death!  By Unga Bunga!"
         There was an old woman and an old man sitting in rocking chairs on
    the front porch.  All is quite for a few minutes, then out of the blue,
    the old woman reaches over and smacks the old man.
         Looking very confused, the old man asks, "What was that for?".
         The old woman turns to him and says "For having a small penis."
         The old man mumbles a grunt and turns away.  A few minutes later, the
    old man reaches over and smacks the old woman.
         She looks at him and says "What was that for?"
         Content with his actions, the old man responds "For knowing the
         A woman is out shopping for a mirror, she finds the one she wants and
    asks the clerk "how much is it?"
         "$100.00",relies the clerk.
         "My god, why so much?" exclaims the woman.
         "Because it's magic, anything you ask for in rhyme you will get."
         "Great I'll take it!" She takes it home and tries it out.
         "Mirror mirror on the door, make by bust a 44." Wiz bang she
    instantly has the huge chest she asked for.  Her husband comes home see's
    her chest and asks how she did it.
         After she tells him he runs upstairs, looks in the mirror and says,
    "Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis hit the floor!" And his legs
    fall off.
         A foxy young lady was having trouble keeping boyfriends after the
    first date, so she decided to go to a doctor to find out what the problem
    was.  The doctor asked her to take off her clothes and lie on the
    examining table.  He checked her pussy and, finding nothing wrong, asked
    her to roll over and spread her ass.  After checking her asshole and again
    finding nothing wrong, he told her to sit up so he could examine her
         Upon looking into her mouth he exclaimed, "You've got the worst case
    of Zacklies I've ever seen!"
         "Zacklies?" she said, puzzled.  "What's that?"
         "Your mouth smells zackly like your ass!"

                              Humor Digest - June 90

                                   Sexual Jokes

         A drunk was trying to make time with a pretty girl at a cocktail
    party, but she wasn't having any part of him, especially the part he had
    in mind.  After a while, to show his contempt for her, he inquired loudly,
    "Tell me, dear, what happens when whores get pregnant?"
         Amused, she answered, "Don't tell me you still think your mother
    found you under a cabbage leaf!"
         One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down to
    discover a female cat being raped by a mouse.
         Fascinated by what he saw, the man gained the mouse's confidence with
    some cheese and then took him next door.  The mouse repeated his amazing
    performance by raping a German Sheppard.
         The man, very excited by this, was dying to show someone his
    discovery.  He rushed home and woke up his wife but before he could
    explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her head with the
         "Don't be afraid, darling," said the man.  "Wait until I tell you
    about this."
         "Get out of here!" cried his wife.  "And take that sex maniac with
         Three women work for a reputable advertising agency on Madison
    Avenue.  All of them started on the exact same day in the mail room, and
    they've all worked exactly the same amount of time, with the same amount
    of work.  After a few years they all get promoted to a position that is
    quite high in the echelon of this particular agency.  They all get their
    own offices, and a substantial pay raise.  What's more, they get their own
    name plate on their door!
         On the day of the move, one of the women is shocked to see that the
    other womens' offices have nameplates on their doors', but on her office
    there is no nameplate.  Furiously, she goes to the company president and
    asks him why she hasn't gotten a nameplate yet.
         "Well, Audrie, this agency is run by myself, as you know." With this
    he unzips his fly and pulls out his penis.  He points at it and says, "And
    this is Quality.  And in this business, Quality goes in before the name
    goes on."
         This couple went to the store and bought 2 boxes of rubbers, then
    they rented a motel room for a week.  After the 3rd day the manager knocks
    on the door,
         Manager: "Sorry to bother you folks but its been three days since you
    checked in and you haven't been to breakfast, lunch, or dinner, how have
    you been surviving?"
         Man: "We eat from the Fruits of Love."
         Manager: "Well would you please quit tossing your peelings out the
    window they're choking my ducks!"
         Three nuns walked into the confessional.  The first one says, "Bless
    me, Father, for I have sinned.  There was a naked man in the parking lot,
    and I looked at him."
         The priest said, "Say three Hail Marys and wash your face with holy
         The second nun said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.  There was

                              Humor Digest - June 90

                                   Sexual Jokes

    a naked man in the parking lot, and I touched him."
         The priest said, "Say three Hail Marys and wash your hands with holy
         As the two nuns were washing with the holy water, the third walks in
    and says, "Take it easy with that stuff girls; I've got to gargle!"
         A kids goes to the doctor with a dripping cock, and the doctor tells
    the kid that it's V.D.
         The kid exclaims "What?!?  That's impossible!  It has to be...
    uh...  uh...  a cold...  uh...  or something!"
         "Well, " the doctor replies, "until it sneezes, we'll have to treat
    it like V.D."
         An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the
    remains of her cat.  As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver,
    "I have a dead pussy."
         The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit
    with my wife.  You two have a lot in common."
         There was a horny lady, who was desperate for a young man.  She was
    at the supermarket, checking out, when the young man bagging her groceries
    offered to carry them out to her car for her.
         When they get outside, she whispers in the boy's ear, "I have an
    itchy pussy."
         The boy says, "Huh?  What'd you say?"
         Again, she whispers to him, "I have an itchy pussy!"
         The boy thinks for a few seconds, and finally says, "Well, you'll
    have to point it out to me, all these foreign cars look alike."
         Two guys are sitting in a bar, when the one looks in his glass, and
    notices the ice cube.  He nudges the guy next to him and say, "Hey, look
    at this!  Have you ever seen anything like this?  An ice cube, with a hole
    in it!"
         The other guy says, "Are you kidding?  I've been married for years!"
         A guy goes into a whore-house, with only 5 dollars.  He's really
    horny, and he needs laid badly, but the madam won't let him have any of
    the girls for only 5 bucks.  He pleads with her, and finally she tells him
    that he can go into room number 2, for the five-dollar special.
         He goes in the room, and all that's there is a rabbit.  Well, he's
    horny enough, and he figures: what the hell?  Who'll know.  So he goes to
    fucking the rabbit.  As it turned out, he actually enjoyed it!
         As he's leaving, another guy is leaving, also.  With unbelievable
    excitement, the guy can't wait to tell somebody else his experience with a
         "Wow!  I just had the most unbelievable experience, for only 5
         The other guys cuts him off, and says, "That's nothing!  I just had
    the most incredible experience for 20 bucks: I was on the other side of a
    one-way mirror, watching some guy try to fuck a rabbit!"
         I was riding on the bus last week and this lady comes up to me and
    says: "I'll give you a good lay for only two dollars."
          Hey, I'm no fool.  I took her home and screwed her to death.

                              Humor Digest - June 90

                                   Sexual Jokes

    Anyway, a couple of days later my crotch was itching like the dickens.  I
    go to the doctor and he tells me I have the crabs.
         Yesterday, I'm riding the bus and I see this cheap slut.  "Yo, you
    know you gave me the crabs?!"
         The bitch looks at me and says "What'd expect for two bucks,
         Two homos were sitting in a hot tub, pushing a floating turd back and
    forth.  A third homo walked by and asked what they were doing.
         One of the homos says, "We're teaching the baby to swim."
         Three guys are walking down the beach when they see this beautiful
    woman laying naked on the beach.
         Well the first guy over to her and starts making love to her, when
    she says "What will we name the child?" Well the guy freaks and runs
         So the second guy goes over to her and starts "doing his thing" when
    she says "What will we name the child?" He freaks out also and runs away.
         The third guy has been watching all this.  So he puts on a rubber and
    goes to do his thing.  When she says what will we name the child?  he
    ignores her and keeps on going.  She keeps asking but he keeps going.
    Finally he finishes and pulls off the rubber ties a knot in the end of the
    rubber and throws in the ocean.
         He turns to the girl and says "If he gets out of that, we'll call him
         There's the Prostitute in a bar, and she's sitting on a stool and
    this Koala bear walks in and asks her if she'll go back with him to this
    hotel to have a good time.
         She agrees, and they go find this sleazy hotel and end up in bed (and
    on the floor and in the closet, etc.).  Anyway, the next morning the Koala
    gets up grabs his clothes and goes to head out the door.
         The prostitute stops him and says,"Hey wait, where's my money?  You
    pay ME to have sex with YOU!  Don't you know what a prostitute is?"
         The bear answers no, and she proceeds to tell him to look it up in a
    dictionary.  Well, there just happens to be this dictionary there, and he
    looks it up and it says: "A person who exchanges sexual favors for money."
         The bear says, "So what?  Don't you know what a koala is?  Look it up
    if you don't" And the bear walks out.  The prostitute picks up the
    dictionary and reads the definition for koala--"Eats bush and leaves."
         A very drunk guy looked around the bar and spying the white keys on
    the piano said," From the grin on that fat broad's face, I'd say someone
    spiked her douche."
         Everybody who has a dog calls him Rover or Lassie.  I called mine
    Sex.  Now Sex has been very embarrassing to me.
         When I went to City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I
    would like to have a license for Sex.
         He said "I would like to have one too"
         I said "but this is a dog"
         He said he didn't care what she looked like.
         Then I said "but you don't understand I have had Sex since I was 9
    years old."

                              Humor Digest - June 90

                                   Sexual Jokes

         He replied "You must have been quite a kid."
         When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me.
         I told the hotel clerk I wanted a room for me and my wife and a
    separate room for Sex.
         He said "Every room in this place is for sex."
         I said "You don't understand, Sex keeps me awake all night."
         The clerk replied "Me too."
         I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog
    ran away.
         Another contestant asked me why I was standing there looking around.
         I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest.
         He told me that I could have sold tickets for that
         "But you don't understand, I hope to have Sex on T.V.
         He called me a Show off.
         When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of
    the dog.
         I said "Your honor I had sex before we were married"
         The judge said "Me too".
         Then I told him that after we were married Sex left me."
         He replied "Me too."
         Last night Sex ran off again and I spent hours looking around for
         A cop came over and asked me "What are you doing wandering around the
    alley's at 4 am for."
         I replied "I am looking for Sex"
         My case comes up in court on Friday.
         Two guys were talking and one said "Hey, Frank, how's pilot school

    Frank: "Terrible...I had to quit when I found out the instructor was gay"
      Joe: "What difference does that make?  Live and let live, I always say"
    Frank: "You don't understand...he took me up to 5000 feet and said "It's
           your buns or jump""
      Joe: "Holy Cow!  Did you jump?" Frank: "A little...  at first"

                              Humor Digest - June 90

                                 Clean One-Liners

    Q: A bum, the tooth fairy, and an honest lawyer were walking down the
       street together when they simultaneously spotted a $1000 bill.  Who
       gets it?

    A: Well, the bum, of course!  The other two don't exist!
    Q: What's 6 inches long that every woman loves?

    A: Paper money!
    Q: What do you call a cow with 2 legs?

    A: Lean beef.
    Q: How many pro-lifers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    A: Six.  Two to start screwing and four to mill around chanting that it
       was lit the moment they started screwing.
    Q: Who's the patron saint of Ethiopia?

    A: Karen Carpenter.

    Q: What were Karen Carpenter's last words?

    A: "Gag me with a spoon."

    Q: Why did Karen Carpenter's family have trouble selling her house?

    A: It didn't have a kitchen.
    Q: Where can a midget spend the night without paying?

    A: A Stayfree Minipad.
    Q: Why does the U of O use artificial turf in Autzen stadium?

    A: To keep the cheerleaders from grazing!
    Q: Why do firemen have bigger balls than policemen?

    A: They sell more tickets.

                              Humor Digest - June 90

                                 Ethnic One-Liners

    Q: Why did god make women so pretty?

    A: So men would like them.

    Q: Why did he make them so stupid?

    A: So they would like men.
    Q: What is long and hard on a black man?

    A: Third Grade!
    Q: Why don't sharks eat lawyers?

    A: Professional courtesy!
    Q: Why do pro ball players always wear hats?

    A: So they know which end to wipe!
    Q: What's the difference between an elephant and an Italian grandmother?

    A: A black dress!
    Q: Why is the Catholic Church hiring hundreds of blacks?

    A: To teach the congregation the rhythm method!
    Q: Why is Italy shaped like a boot?

    A: Because you can't fit all that shit into a tennis shoe.
    Q: What are the two most common lies in Poland?

    A1: The check's in your mouth.
    A2: I promise I won't come in the mail.
    Q: Why don't women have brains?

    A: Because they don't have a dick to keep one in!
    Q: What do you call a quadriplegic waterskiing?

    A: Skip!

    Q: What do you call a quadriplegic on your doorstep?

    A: Matt!

    Q: What do you call a quadriplegic hanging on your wall?

    A: Art!

                              Humor Digest - June 90

                                 Ethnic One-Liners

    Q: What do you call a quadriplegic in a mail?

    A: Bill!

    Q: What do you call a quadriplegic swimming in a lake?

    A: Bob!

    Q: What do you call a quadriplegic in a pile of leaves?

    A: Russell!

    Q: What do you call two quadriplegics hanging on your wall?

    A: Curt -n- Rod

    Q: What do you call a quadriplegic in bed?

    A: Dick

    Q: What do you call a quadriplegic in the mailbox?

    A: Bill.

    Q: What do you call a quadriplegic who gets caught in a
       meat grinder?

    A: Chuck.

    Q: What do you call a quadriplegic lying in a hole in the

    A: Phil

    Q: And what do you call the guy who put him there?

    A: Doug

    Q: What do you call a quadriplegic lying on a barbers floor?

    A: Harry

    Q: What do you call the same guy doing pushups?

    A: LUCKY!

    Q: What do you call a quadriplegic lying in a hot-tub?

    A: Stu

    Q: What do you call a quadriplegic lying in a meat counter?

    A: Buck

                              Humor Digest - June 90

                                 Ethnic One-Liners

    Q: What do you call a quadriplegic lying in a mailbox?

    A: Mel

    Q: What do you call a quadriplegic in a box with his arms and legs?

    A: Kit

    Q: What do you call a woman quadriplegic on the bottom of the

    A: Sandy.

    Q: What do you call a quadriplegic being run through a sawmill?

    A: Chip

    Q: What do you call a quadriplegic on a stage?

    A: Mike!

    Q: What do you call a quadriplegic on your bar-b-que?

    A: Frank.

    Q: What do you call a girl quadriplegic on your bar-b-que?

    A: Patty.

    Q: What do you say to a one legged hitch-hiker?

    A: Hop in.

    Q: What do you say to a hitch-hiker with no legs?

    A: Can I give you a lift?

    Q: What do you call a cow with 2 legs up against a barn?

    A: Lean Beef

    Q: What do you call a cow with no legs?

    A: Ground beef

    Q: What do you call a prostitute with no legs?

    A: A nightcrawler

    Q: What do you call a girl quadriplegic in Alcatraz?

    A: Rocky

    Q: What do you call a quadriplegic under a car?

                              Humor Digest - June 90

                                 Ethnic One-Liners

    A: Jack

    Q: What do you call a girl quadriplegic in the Christmas choir?

    A: Carol

    Q: What do you call a girl quadriplegic in the flowerbed?

    A: Rose, Iris, Lily, Daisy, Petunia, or Violet

    Q: What do you call a quadriplegic playing Volleyball?

    A: Spike

    Q: What do you call a quadriplegic in the bathroom?

    A: John

    Q: What do you call a quadriplegic on the edge of a mountain?

    A: Cliff

    Q: What do you call a girl quadriplegic at 12am on Jan. 1st?

    A: Eve

    Q: What do you call a girl quadriplegic in the summer?

    A: June

    Q: What do you call a girl quadriplegic at sunrise?

    A: Dawn

    Q: What do you call a quadriplegic at sunrise?

    A: Don

    Q: What do you call a girl quadriplegic who likes yellowish
       semi-precious stones?

    A: Amber

    Q: What do you call a girl quadriplegic with really big ears?

    A: Bunny

    Q: What do you call a girl quadriplegic with lots of freckles?

    A: Dotty

    Q: What do you call a girl quadriplegic in a pan of boiling water?

                              Humor Digest - June 90

                                 Ethnic One-Liners

    A: Blanche

    Q: What do you call a quadriplegic in a pasture?

    A: Horace

    Q: What do you call a quadriplegic in the river near the bank?

    A: Doc

    Q: What do you call a quadriplegic up a chimney?

    A: Smokey

    Q: What do you call a quadriplegic in Harlem?

    A: Blacky

    Q: What do you call a quadriplegic with lots of money?

    A: Rich

    Q: What do you call a quadriplegic who is just average?

    A: Norm

    Q: What do you call a girl quadriplegic in a truck?

    A: Lori

    Q: What do you call a Mexican woman with no legs who's trying to stand up?

    A: Consuelo

    Q: What do you call a quadriplegic and no ears?

    A: You don't...with no ears, how could he hear you?

    Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?

    A: It doesn't matter since he can't come anyway!

    Q: How is a dog with no legs like a cigarette?

    A: You take him for a drag!
    Q: What is the solution to the extermination of wetbacks?

    A: Tell the blacks they taste like chicken.
    Q: Did you know that ALL children are born with Penises?

    A: Yeah.....But it falls off the stupid ones!

                              Humor Digest - June 90

                                 Gross One-Liners

    Q: What's the hardest part about eating vegetables?

    A: Getting them out of the wheelchair.
    Q: What is the worst part about fucking a cow?

    A: You have to climb off to kiss it!
    Q: What is grosser than gross?

    A: When you sit on your Grandfathers lap and he pops a boner.
    Q: Why are a woman's and so close

    A: In case your aim is off...

                              Humor Digest - June 90

                                 Other One-Liners

    Q: Why aren't bird dogs allowed in the White House?

    A: Because they keep chasing the Quayle and pissing on the Bushes!
    Q: Why has Tammy Fae stopped shaving her legs?

    A: Because she figures that's the way Jim will like them when he gets
    Q: What's the best thing about having Alzheimer's disease?

    A1: You can hide your own easter eggs!
    A2: You're always meeting new people!
    Q: What do you get when you cross a Hell's Angel with a Jehovah's

    A: A Guy that knocks on your door Saturday morning and tells you to Fuck
    Q: Did you know that Hitler commit suicide?

    A: He got the gas bill!

                              Humor Digest - June 90

                                 Sexual One-Liners

    Q: What's the difference between a woman in church and a woman in a bubble

    A: The woman in church has a soul full of hope and the woman in the bubble
       bath has a hole full of soap.
    Q: Did you hear about the fag who joined the NFL?

    A: Started off a tight end, but ended up a wide receiver!
    Q: Why do men buy women nighties with fur around the bottom?

    A: To keep their neck warm.
    Q: What is the definition of a Macho Man?

    A: A man who shaves his balls with a weedeater.
    Q: What's the difference between a prostitute, a mistress, and a wife?

    A1: A prostitute says, "Are you done, yet?"
    A2: A mistress says, "Are you done, already?"
    A3: A wife says, "I think the ceiling needs to be painted."
    Q: What's the difference between your sister and a Cadillac?

    A: Not everyone has been in a Cadillac.
    Q: What is the first warning sign of AIDS?

    A: A pounding sensation in your ass.
    Q: What is the height of frustration for a man?

    A: To walk into a brick wall with a hardon...  and bruise his nose.
    Q: What do you have when you have two fuzzy green balls in your hand?

    A: Kermit The Frog's Undivided Attention.
    Q: What's in Miss Piggy's douche?

    A: Hogwash!
    Q: What did the 7 dwarfs say when the prince awoke Snow White from her
       deep sleep?

    A: "Guess its back to jerking off..."
    Q: Why does pussy smell like fish?

    A: The same reason that cum looks like tartar sauce.

                              Humor Digest - June 90

                                 Sexual One-Liners

    Q: Why do dogs lick their balls?

    A: Because they can.
    Q: What's the difference between a fag and a refrigerator?

    A: The refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.
    Q: What is a 6.9?

    A: A 69er interrupted by a period!
    Q: What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection ?

    A: A quarter-pounder with cheese.
    Q: What is the real definition of Miracle Whip?

    A: Successful masturbation by a 90-year-old man.
    Q: What do Marion Barry and Mrs.  Dan Quayle have in common?

    A: They both blow a little dope!
    Q: Why is sex like oxygen?

    A: Because you don't care about either of them until you don't get any!
    Q: What do you call oral sex between two yuppies?

    A: SixtySomething
    Q: How do you tell when a woman is horny?

    A: When you put your hand down her pants and it feels like a horse eating
    Q: Why do women like whales?

    A: They have an 8 foot tongue and can breathe through the top of their
    Q: Why do lawyers wear neckties?

    A: To keep the foreskin from coming up over their heads.

                              Humor Digest - June 90


    Mary, Mary, quite contrary,
    How does your garden grow?
    With tinkerbells and cockleshells
    And a lot of horse manure.
            "It Hurts"

    You probably can't imagine
    It's as simple as can be
    This place is rather private
    The players he and she.

    She whispered "will it hurt?"
    "Of course not", he replied
    "It's a simple project,
    lay back and close your eyes."

    She said "I'm rather frightened,
    I've never done this before."
    He wanted to continue
    It wouldn't hurt much more

    "It's becoming rather painful,
    As tears rolled down her eyes,
    "It's hurting something awful,
    It must be quite a size!"

    "Calm yourself, my darling,
    As the feeling holds in your spine,
    Open up more slightly,
    So I can get more inside."

    Suddenly with a jump
    She gave a little shout
    Now that it was over
    He slowly pulled it out.

    If you read this carefully
    A dentist chair you'll find
    It's not what you were thinking
    it's just your dirty mind!

                              Humor Digest - June 90

                             UnCategorized Clean Stuff

    SOCIALISM: You have two cows, and you give one to your neighbor.

    COMMUNISM: You have two cows, the government takes both of them and gives
               you the milk.

    FASCISM: You have two cows, the government takes both of them and sells
             you the milk.

    NAZISM: You have two cows, the government takes both of them and shoots

    BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows, the government takes both of them, shoots
                 one of them, milks the other and pours the milk down the

    CAPITALISM: You have two cows, you sell one of them and buy a bull.

                              Humor Digest - June 90

                            UnCategorized Ethinc Stuff

                            Laboratory Analysis Report
                               Homo Sapiens Species
                                  Female Specimen

    Element: Woman

    Symbol: WO

    Discovered by: Adam

    Atomic Weight:
      Average specimen is 118, but there are known isotopes ranging from
      92 to 160, with highly radioactive specimens of 250 and above (avoid
      at all costs).

      Surplus quantities in all urban areas.

    Chemical Properties:
      1.   Possesses great affinity for gold (Qu), Silver (Ag), Platinum
           (Pt), and several precious and semi-precious stones and
      2.   Capable of consuming huge quantities of expensive substances.
      3.   May explode spontaneously if not handled with great care.
      4.   Insoluble in liquids, but behavior characteristics are
           noticeably altered by saturation in ethyl alcohol.
      5.   Yields to pressure if properly applied.

    Mental Properties:
      1.   Difficult to ascertain due to the complex nature of the
           thought processes followed by examined specimens.
           a)   Revised testing protocols are under study but
                researchers report that the unique "logic" of these
                specimens make accurate appraisal unlikely.

    Physical Properties:
      1.   Surface generally very smooth, with many interesting
           irregularities, many of which are selectively covered
           with paints, powders, oils and colored films.
           a)   Avoid those that apply different colored films to each
           b)   Some specimens exhibit a tendency to spread thick
                applications of paint, powders and oils around
                the eyes, resulting in a somewhat frightening appearance.
                NOTE!  Beware of this variety as they are prone to
                cracking and peeling.  The dispersal of flying
                debris and the consequent realization that what you
                see ain't what you get will result.
       2.  Boils at nothing and freezes for no apparent reason.
       3.  Melts if given proper treatment.
       4.  Bitter and dangerous if used incorrectly.
       5.  Found in various states in nature from virgin mettle to common

                              Humor Digest - June 90

                            UnCategorized Ethinc Stuff

       6.  Selected specimens have a pleasant aroma.
       7.  Warm to hold.  Capable of warming other objects it is held
           close to (at times causing over heating).

       1.   Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
       2.   Most powerful reducing agent of money known to man.
       3.   Can aid in relaxation.
       4.   Some varieties capable of brightening the day.
       5.   Can be used to stimulate the heart muscles of males.
            a)  USE WITH CAUTION!  Positive and negative results
            have been obtained for a given stimuli, depending on
            variety of specimen.
       6.   Some specimens have been reported to be instrumental
            in the initiating GLOBAL WARFARE.
       7.   Generally adept at social graces.
       8.   Excellent memories for tasks that males generally forget.
       9.   With minimum flattery, it is possible to get varieties
            to perform trivial tasks.

       1.   Pure specimens turn a distinctive rosey color if discovered
            in their natural state.
       2.   Specimens turn bright green if placed beside a better
       3.   Becomes coy and elusive when confronted with the truth.

       1.   Highly dangerous in inexperienced hands.
       2.   Illegal to possess more than one permanent specimen,
            in spite of the fact that some specimens can and do
            obtain more than one of the male gender, and then lie about it.
       3.   Terrible drivers.
       4.   Known to render telephones into melted slag.
       5.   Ineffective communicators. Generally known to give subtle
            "hints" and expect others to guess at their intended meanings.
            Rarely attempt honest, straight foreword discussions.
       6.   Affinity for rolling pins.

                              Humor Digest - June 90

                             UnCategorized Gross Stuff

                          APPLICATION FOR A PIECE OF ASS

    Phone Number:________________________________________________
    Color of hair:___________________  Social Security Number:________________
    Do you wear a wig?:______________  Is it real?:______________
    Color of eyes:___________________  Do you wear dentures?:_________________
    Marital Status: Married:_________  Single:__________  Divorced:___________
    Other:________  If other, please explain:_________________________________
    Height:__________  Weight:__________  Waist size:_____________
    Bra size:__________  Hip size:___________  Are breasts real?:_____________
    Do you like them   sucked:________  Chewed:________  Kissed:__________
    Can you stay out late?:________  How late?:________  All night?:__________
    If married, can you get out during the day?:__________
    Breakfast?:__________  Noon?:_____________  Afternoon?:_____________
    Several days?:______________
    Do you like to be screwed?:__________  How often?:____________
    Do you like oral sex?:___________  Do you give head?:__________
    Do you like anal sex?:___________
    Pussy/Prick size:   Small:______   Medium:_______  Large:________
    Extra large:_____________
    When screwing do you:  Faint?:______  Fart?:_____  Cry?:_____
    Scream?:_____  Yodel?:_______  Whistle?:________  Scratch?:_____
    say "Oh God!"?:________  all of the above?:________
    When cumming, do you:  Wiggle?:_____  Wobble?:_____  Twist?:________
    Jerk?:_______  Scream?:________  Yell?:_______
    or do you just start humping like hell?:________
    Do you screw:  Fast?:_______  Superfast?:_________  Slow?:________
    or just lay there?:________
    How many times a night do you like it?:_______
    How long do you like to screw?:_____________________
    Do you want to screw now?:___________

    If you have been screwed before, please give references (no immediate
       Name                  Address                    Phone numbers






    If application is favorable, what are your charges (if any) for:
    An hour?:_____________  For two hours?:____________

                              Humor Digest - June 90

                             UnCategorized Gross Stuff

      All night?:_____________  For a quickie?:_____________
    What credit cards do you accept?
          Mastercard:__________   Visa:_________  American Express:________
          Sears:__________  Montgomery Wards:____________

    Do you like to do it:
       In a bed?:_______  In a water bed?:_________  On the floor?:________
       In a car?:_______  In a movie?:_________  Standing up?:_________

    "Mommy, Mommy, I don't wanna visit Grandma again!"

    "Shut up and dig."

    "Mommy, Mommy, I hate my sisters guts!"

    "Shut up and eat finish your dinner."

    "Mommy, Mommy I don't like this tomato soup!"

    "Shut up and eat before it clots."

    "Mommy, Mommy, sister has a wart!"

    "Shut up and eat around it."

    "Mommy, Mommy, I don't want to go to England!"

    "Shut up and keep swimming."

    "Mommy, Mommy, why are you moaning?"

    "Shut up and keep licking!"

    "Mommy, mommy!  I'm tired of walking in circles!"

    "Shut up, or I'll nail your other foot to the floor!"

                              Humor Digest - June 90

                                UnCategorized Stuff

         One night when his charge was pretty high, Micro Farad decided to see
    if he could fine a cute little coil to let him discharge.
         He picked up Millie Amp and took her for a ride on his Megacycle.
         They rode over the Wheatstone Bridge down around by the Sine Wave and
    stopped in a Magnetic Field next to a Flowing Current.
         Micro Farad placed Millie Amp on the Ground Potential, raised her
    Frequency, lowered her Capacitance, and pulled out his High Voltage
         Fully excited, Millie Amp cried "Moh Moh Moh!".
         The Fluxed all afternoon, trying various Sockets and Connectors until
    Micro Farad's Bar Magnet had lost all of it's Field Strength.
         Then Millie Amp tried Self Induction and damaged her Solenoid.
         They finished by Reversing Polarity and blowing each other's
                                   Eddie Current
                              Hey, didya ever notice?
         You can win a million $'s with no purchase necessary but the details
    are inside the package?
         You can lead a woman to knowledge but you can't make her think.
         We park in driveways and drive on parkways.
    "Hole in the Kimono", by Seymour Hair

    "Spots on the Wall", by Hu Flung Doo

    "My Life as a College Student", by I.  R.  Smart

    "The Joy of Sex" by Phillip McCrevice

    "Russian Catastrophe" by Pulya Pudoff

    "The Tiger's Revenge" by Claude Balls

    "The Tight Rubber" By Dick Smothers

    "Tracks in the Sand" by Peters Dragon

    "Blood, Sweat and Tears" by the Labor Movement

    "Hole in the Mattress" by Mr.  Completely

    "The Overpopulation of China" by Wee Fuhkum Yang.

    "50 Yards to the Out House" Written by Willie Makit
                                Illustrated by Betty Wont
                                Edited by Justin Tyme
    Sign on darkroom door:

                           DARKROOM - Keep Door Closed!
                  (if door is left open, all the dark leaks out!)

                              Humor Digest - June 90

                                UnCategorized Stuff

         This article is being presented through the *StarBoard* Journal of
    the FlagShip/StarShip, SIGS (Special Interest Groups) on the Delphi and
    GEnie telecommunications networks.  Permission is hereby granted to
    non-profit organizations only to reprint this article or pass it along
    electronically as long as proper credit is given to both the author and
    the *StarBoard* Journal.

                                Computaholics Exam
                            by MATRAT, CFJ, and RABBIT

         Are you a Compute-a-holic?  Many of us are without even realizing
    it.  Below are a *few* questions to help you take a somewhat humorous look
    at your computing habits, and decide if you need help.  A new chapter of
    Computaholics anonymous may be forming near you.

    Do you use disk labels for tape?

    Do you buy disks in lots of 100?

    Has this ever happened to you: Your spouse gets *frisky* and you say, "Not
      tonight honey, I've got a bug." And then you have to explain that you
      meant *in your program*, when your better half breaks out the

    Do you use more than a CASE of paper per year?  Do you own and frequently
      use a calculator capable of Hexadecimal and binary arithmetic?

    Do you have computer style personalized license plates such as:
      CPU-HED ?  PLA-PHA ?  PAG-ZRO ?  MEG-4ME ?  GIG-BYT ?  4160ST ?
      BLITER ?  I1T-RAM ?

    Can you look at memory hex dumps and disassemble them in your head?

    Have you ever written an assembly language program that is more than 10K
      of pure object code?

    Every time you pass a computer, typewriter, or anything with keys, do you
      get this irresistible urge to type something?

    Is your profession non-clerical in nature, yet you can type 70 words per
      minute or more?

    Would you RATHER write a video game than play one?

    When a friend calls you to ask you about a problem with his monitor, do
      you immediately start thinking in assembly code, when he meant his
      Monochrome display?

    Do you HOPE the teacher assigns a term paper instead of a mid term exam,
      so you can do it on your computer?
      Have you ever waked up at 3AM face down on your computer's keyboard?

    Do you take computer magazines to the toilet with you?

                              Humor Digest - June 90

                                UnCategorized Stuff

    Do you have a bumper sticker which reads:
      "I'd rater be COMPUTING than COMMUTING"?

    If you are a professional programmer do you ever wonder, "Why do they PAY
      me to have this much fun?"

    When lunch or break time rolls around, do you start working on a computer
      program for home?

    Do you have a "computer ROOM" in your house?

    Do you take computer books to the doctor's office, dentist, or barber with

    Do your kids teethe on game cartridges and disk cases?

    Do you save Velveeta Cheese boxes to use as 3 1/2" disk tubs?

    Do your kids use your bad disks for frisbees?

    Do you subscribe to more than one COMPUTER MAGAZINE?

    Do you ever take a VACATION DAY so you can spend 16 hours in front of your
      computer at home?

    Do you own more than $3000 worth of "home computer" equipment?

    Do you write a "quick and dirty" checkbook balancing program when you pay
      the monthly bills, because it's too much trouble to find a calculator?

    Do your kids say things like, "Compile error Dad, can't mow the lawn
      today.  I got a priority interrupt and have to go to the library and
      process some homework!"?

    Do you ever confuse computer terms with cliches like: "Man, he did he ever
      blow his stack pointer!"

    Do you print the kids' school valentines, Christmas, or birthday cards
      with the computer?

    Do you constantly lose important phone numbers and info under piles of
      computer manuals and printer paper?

    Do you have a neurotic fear of throwing away any box that once contained
      computer equipment, in case you might have to "send it back to the

    Do you have piles and piles of such boxes, filling every closet
      and every inch of garage space in your living area?

    Do you have to take out several trash bags full of obsolete program
      listings every week?

    Does your spouse often threaten your computer with violence...in a

                              Humor Digest - June 90

                                UnCategorized Stuff

      "joking" way, of course?  (Examples: "I'll take an axe to that thing!",
      "throw it in the pool", etc.)

    Have YOU ever threatened a guest with violence if he set a glass of water
      down next to the computer?

    Do you talk to the computer as if it could hear you?

    Do you own more than two computer languages that you never use?  And
      never even learned?

    Do you own a shirt-pocket pencil holder?

    When your girlfriend (wife, etc.) says "it's too hot, I think I'll slip
      into something more comfortable", do you run to turn up the air
      conditioner to protect your computer from overheating?

    Do your family and friends write you letters instead of calling since they
      can never get through to you on the phone, while you play on Delphi,
      BBSs and the like?

    Are all the clocks in your house 24 hour format?

    When you read about Americans and Russians negotiating ICBM reduction, do
      you wonder how many Commodore computers they could destroy?

    Do you put Audio CDs in your computer's CD-ROM player to analyze them?

    Do you take your family on a "get away" vacation to Silicon Valley?

    Have you worn the letters off your computer's keyboard?

    Can you recite the alphabet in ASCII codes?

    Has your dog ever attacked, or raised its leg upon, your computer system
      out of jealousy?

    Do you read license plates to look for letter combinations that look like
      assembly opcodes?

    When your wife says she is going to take a "drive to the store" do you get
      a sudden urge to go check on your disk drives?

    Is your idea of a BIG ADVENTURE playing one?

    Can your children do binary arithmetic?

    Have burglars ever hit the entire neighborhood except your house, because
      you are always UP CODING?

    Is the biggest tragedy in your life a power outage?

    Do you use computer chips instead of thumb tacks?

                              Humor Digest - June 90

                                UnCategorized Stuff

    Have you actually ever managed to finish a programming project on time?
      (If so, you are definitely a computaholic.)

    Have you ever realized that you "forgot to go to bed" when the alarm goes
      off, while you're sitting in front of the keyboard?

    Have you ever gotten a new toy for your child that requires "parental
      assembly" and gone to fire up your Macro Assembler?

    Do you program in ASSEMBLY LANGUAGE rather than C, Pascal, or Action, just
      for the FUN OF IT?

    Do your neighbors call the air force because of a strange glow emanating
      from one room in your house all night long?

    Do strange noises, frequent orders for chinese food and many packages
      from UPS (which you elatedly wait for) catch their attention?

    Do you celebrate COMDEX as a national holiday?

    Can you hotwire a phone into your direct connect modem from any motel or
      relatives house?

    Do you travel with a computer?

    Have you forgotten how to talk to other parents at the PTA meeting?

    Do you burst out laughing when your spouse is talking and manages to make
      a completely hidden reference outside of the context of the subject
      which is hilarious when applied as a computer joke?

    Does a newly discovered BBS become a highlight of your day?

    Do you string your own telephone wires and electrical extensions?

    Have you ever had to explain to the phone company why you *need* 4

    Are you constantly trying to find a 'better disk editor' or a 'better
      input routine' or a 'better word processor' ?

    Have you ever finished a program and delivered it, then never modified it
      again?  <>

    Do your kids know how to spell RUN before they knew how to spell their

    Have you noticed how old friends just cannot carry on interesting
      conversations any more?
         AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18) You have an inventive mind and are
    inclined to be progressive.  You lie a great deal.  On the other hand, you
    are inclined to be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same
    mistakes over and over again.  People think you are stupid.

                              Humor Digest - June 90

                                UnCategorized Stuff

         PISCES (Feb.  19 - Mar.  20) You have a vivid imagination and often
    think you are being followed by the CIA or FBI.  You have minor influence
    over your associates and people resent your flaunting of your power.  You
    lack confidence and you are generally a coward.  Pisces people do terrible
    things to small animals.

         ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19) You are the pioneer type and hold most people
    in contempt.  You are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice.
    You are not very nice.

         TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20) You are practical and persistent.  You have
    a dogged determination and work like hell.  Most people think you are
    stubborn and bull headed.  You are a Communist.

         GEMINI (May 21 - June 20) You are a quick and intelligent thinker.
    People like you because you are bisexual.  However, you are inclined to
    expect too much for too little.  This means you are cheap.  Geminis are
    known for committing incest.

         CANCER (June 21 - July 22) You are sympathetic and understanding to
    other people's problems.  They think you are a sucker.  You are always
    putting things off.  That's why you'll never make anything of yourself.
    Most welfare recipients are Cancer people.

         LEO (July 23 - Aug 22) You consider yourself a born leader.  Others
    think you are pushy.  Most Leo people are bullies.  You are vain and
    dislike honest criticism.  Your arrogance is disgusting.  Leo people are

         VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22) You are the logical type and hate disorder.
    This nitpicking is sickening to your friends.  You are cold and
    unemotional and sometimes fall asleep while making love.  Virgos make good
    bus drivers.

         LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22) You are the artistic type and have a
    difficult time with reality.  If you are a man, you are more than likely
    gay.  Chances for employment and monetary gains are excellent.  Most Libra
    women are prostitutes.  All Libra people die of Venereal disease.

         SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21) You are shrewd in business and cannot be
    trusted.  You will achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total
    lack of ethics.  Most Scorpio people are murdered.

         SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21) You are optimistic and enthusiastic.
    You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent.  The
    majority of Sagittarians are drunks or dope fiends or both.  People laugh
    at you a great deal.

         CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19) You are conservative and afraid of taking
    risks.  You don't do much of anything and are lazy.  There has never been
    a Capricorn of any importance.  Capricorns should avoid standing still for
    too long as they take root and become trees.

                              Humor Digest - June 90

                            UnCategorized Sexual Stuff

                                CAJUN BANANA BREAD
                            A SOUTH LOUISIANA DELICACY


    2 laughing eyes                2 loving arms
    2 well shaped legs             2 firm milk containers
    1 fur lined mixing bowl        1 Large banana


    1. Look into the laughing eyes
    2. Spread well shaped legs apart
    3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently until fur lined
       mixing bowl is well greased.
    4. Add banana and work in and out until well creamed
    5. Cover with nuts and sigh with relief

    NOTE: Bread is done when banana is soft. Be sure to wash mixing
          utensils and don't lick the bowl.
    ATTENTION: If bread starts to rise; LEAVE TOWN
    Sound: rubber rubbing against rubber.  Is it...
      A cork being removed from a bottle of wine.
      A clown making balloon animals.
      Cher putting on her outfit for the academy awards.

    Sound: Pop Is it...
      A plumber unclogging a drain.
      A suction dart being removed from a pane of glass.
      A lousy method of birth control.
    The three most horrifying words to hear when you are making love are:

    "That's my daughter!" or "Daddy!  Don't shoot!" or "Honey!  I'm home!"
                           SHE HAD PLENTY OF INSURANCE,
                           UNFORTUNATELY, HER PIMP DIED.

         Today almost every hooker understands how important it is to have
    life insurance.  The streets can get pretty rough.  But, what if her pimp
    is offed?  Who's going to find new Johns?  Who's going to supply the
    crack?  Clearly his loss would create financial hardships for her and the
    two mulatto kids he left behind.
         With Metropolitan Street Life's new Whore plus plan, a prostitute can
    get permanent insurance protection that provides door-to-door limo
    service, up to three fixes daily, and a big ugly motherfucker with a
    gun-just as if your main man was still around.
         All we ask in return for a safe future is 50% of the action.  That's
    probably a better deal than HE gave you, and WE won't beat you upside the
         METROPOLITAN STREET LIFE......Professionals Helping Professionals.

                              Humor Digest - June 90

                            UnCategorized Sexual Stuff

    Dateline Cape Canaveral:

    The USA has sent a satellite to Mercury.
    The USSR has a space station orbiting Mars.
    The French intend to send a mission to the moon,
    and the Greeks are planning to send a probe up to Uranus.
    Did you hear about the man with five pricks?  His pants fit like a glove.
    Definition of PMS.... Punish My Spouse!
                       MOST IMPORTANT MEN IN A WOMAN'S LIFE

    Doctor - "Take your clothes off"

    Dentist - "Open wide"

    Milkman - "Would you like it in the front or the back?"

    Interior Decorator - "Once it's in you'll love it!"

    Banker - "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest"

    Hunter - He goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, and always eats
             what he shoots.

                              Humor Digest - June 90

                                    Clean Jokes

         A sociologist, a psychologist, and a mathematician were discussing
    the ethical, moral, sociological you name it consequences of a married
    man's having a mistress.
         The sociologist's opinion was that it is absolutely and categorically
    unforgivable for a married man to forfeit the bond of matrimony, and
    engage in such lowly and lustful pursuits.
         The psychologist's opinion was that although morally reprehensible,
    if a man must have a mistress to achieve his full potential as a human
    being, then he may go ahead and choose to have a mistress, as long as he
    is considerate enough to keep this secret from his wife, and spare her
    from undue grief.
         The mathematician then interjects: "I also believe that if necessary,
    a married man is entitled to a mistress.  However I do not see why the
    affair should be kept secret from the wife.  On the contrary, if the
    affair is out in the open, then on Friday evenings he may tell his wife
    that he is going to see his mistress, tell the mistress that he is going
    to be with his wife, then go to his office and do some work!"
         O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket
    when he slipped and fell heavily.
         Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.
         "Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"
         This guy travels to Africa and stays in the bush observing a pygmy
    tribe.  He sort of hangs out with the witch doctor as that guy seems to be
    most knowledgeable.  One day he sees there is a new chief and asks the
    witch doctor what happened.
         "Oh he died a horrible death", was his reply.
         A little later a large bird flew overhead shouting "foo foo" and shit
    on the guys head!
         He told the witch doctor he was going to wash it off, but the doc
    says "No, no wash that off, or you die a horrible death, that the shit of
    foo bird".
         Trying to comply with tribal customs the man agreed and left the shit
    on his head.
         Days passed, it was starting to smell bad.  Custom be damned, the man
    decided to wash his head.  So he went down to the river and washed the
    shit off.
         Then suddenly, he died a horrible death.  No warning, he just died.
         The witch doctor walked up and shook his head in disappointment.
         So what's the moral of this story?
         "If the Foo Shits, Wear It!"
         There was a priest who loved to golf.  Every chance he had, he would
    go out golfing.  One Sunday, after giving mass, he was tempted to go out
    golfing, the weather was perfect, but it was the Sabbath.  But he went
    anyway.  St.  Peter saw him from Heaven, and started shouting,"God, God,
    there's a priest playing golf on the Sabbath.  He should be punished!"
         God agreed.  So when the priest tee'd off, he got a hole in one!  On
    the second tee, he also got a hole in one.  This went through the entire
    game.  18 holes in one.  Amazing.
         St.  Peter look at God, and said, "God, I thought You were going to
    punish him, he got 18 holes in one."

                              Humor Digest - July 90

                                    Clean Jokes

         God replied, "Right.  Who's he going to tell?!"
         A little Jewish boy was a really terrible student.  Very disruptive
    in class and a real discipline case.  His loving parents took him out of
    the public school and he lasted two days there before he was expelled.
         They put him in a Jewish day school and he lasted three days.
         They put him in a military boarding school, and he was the first
    pupil ever expelled from it.
         Finally, out of desperation, his parents put him in a Catholic
    school.  A week passed.  Two weeks passed.  A semester passed.  All was
         His mother had a meeting with her son's teacher.  "Mrs.  Levy, Abie
    is a wonderful boy," Sister Mary said.
         Mrs.  Levy went home and spoke to Abie.  "Son, how come you get
    expelled from all those other schools, but in the Catholic school you are
    a little angel?"
         "Well, mom, I walked into the school, saw a picture of some guy
    nailed up on a cross, and figured here they mean business!"
         The girl gets very drunk at the party, and asks Herb to drive her
    home.  Thinking this might be his big chance, he puts his hand on her
    knee.  She takes it off.  Soon, she says, "Herb, you're passionate."
         "Great!" he thinks, and puts his hand on her knee again.  She again
    takes it off.  However, she again says, "Herb, you're passionate."
         After this happens three or four times, he finally asks her what's
         "Well," she says, "We've been going around thish block and around
    thish block, and there'sh my house, and I just wanted you to know you're
    passhin' it!"
         The Lone Ranger and Tonto ride into town on a hot summer day.  They
    ride up to a bar and tie up the horses.
         The Lone Ranger says, "Tonto, I want you to stay out here and run
    around the horses to cool them off."
         "No problem Keemosabi."
         The Lone Ranger goes into the bar and starts drinking.  He looses
    track of time and it's hours later when someone walks into the bar and
    says, "Anybody in here own a white stallion?"
         "That's mine." says the Lone Ranger "Why?"
         "Well I just wanted to let you know you left your horse out here with
    the injun running."
         Did you hear that President Bush talked to Gorbechev the other day on
    the red phone.  It appears that the Russians want to be protected from the
    Aids Virus, and all other sexually transmitted diseases.
         He asked Pres.  Bush if he could purchase 1,000,000 condoms.  Pres.
    Bush told him sure that he'd get them shipped as soon as possible.
         So after they hung up Pres.  Bush called the condom manufactures and
    talk to head of production.  He told him of the deal he made with the
    Russians and he had an idea.
         Then he told them to take 1,000,000 XXL condoms and stamp small on
    them then send them out.
         Then he said to his wife, I'd like to see the their faces when they
    see the size of those condoms!

                              Humor Digest - July 90

                                    Clean Jokes

         A lady is holding her grandson, telling him that he was the sweetest,
    most adorable, precious lamb in the world.  Glancing up, she saw a big,
    rough-looking neighbor leaning against his Harley, looking amused.
         Embarrassed, she remarked, "You probably never heard such carrying on
    in your life."
         "Sure have," he said, grinning, "Every time I visit MY mom."
         A company president was writing a speech and he used the expression
    that "1 + 1 = 2" and he asked a company scientist if he could test the
    formula by laboratory methods as a humorous point maker for his speech.
         In a week the scientist placed a foot tall stack of printouts on the
    presidents desk and declared "there is proof."
         One of the presidents' staff advisors was in the room and he asked if
    he could further illustrate the point by applying his statistical methods
    to the formula.  The staff advisor said he would further prove that it is
    ALWAYS true.
         In a week he placed a stack of printouts two feet high on the
    president's desk.
         The accountant had been following the development of this discussion
    and asked if he could apply the methods of his profession to the formula.
         The president asked the accountant to explain what analysis he could
    perform that might alter the current documentation.
         The accountant thought for a moment..."What do you want 1 + 1 to
         Two guys wandered into a bar.  One of the men shouted to the
    barkeeper, "Hiya, Mike.  Set 'em up for me and my pal here."
         Then he turned to his slightly dim partner and boasted, "This is a
    great bar.  For every two drinks you buy, the house gives you one.  And
    the pinball machines in the back are free!"
         "That's not so great,"responded the friend.  "There's a bar across
    town that'll match you drink for drink, and you can get laid in the back
    for free."
         "Where is this place?" the first guy exclaimed.
         "Oh, I don't know," the dim fellow replied, "but my wife goes there
    all the time."
         3 nuns were killed in an automobile accident.  Their souls were
    transported to heaven.
         Upon reaching the Pearly Gates, they demanded entrance to which St.
    Peter replied, "I don't care if you are nuns, you must display your
    biblical knowledge before entrance can be granted."
         So, St.  Peter asks the first nun, "Who was the 1st man?"
         The nun replies, "Adam!".  Well, the hallelujah chorus starts singing
    and the Pearly Gate opens to allow her entrance.
         St.  Peter asks the second nun, "Who was the 1st woman?"
         The nun replies, "Oooh, that's easy...it was Eve!"  Again, the
    hallelujah chorus starts singing and the Pearly Gate opens to allow her
         St.  Peter then addresses the third nun, "Okay...we know Adam was the
    first man and Eve was the first woman, but can you tell me what the first
    words Eve said to Adam were?"
         The nun, thinking aloud, said, "Oooh, that's a hard one." The

                              Humor Digest - July 90

                                    Clean Jokes

    hallelujah chorus started singing and the Pearly Gates opened.
         An Air Force General, an Army General, and a Navy Admiral were
    bragging about which of the services was the toughest, and had the most
         The Admiral, pointing to a ship pulling in to port, shouted to a
    sailor, "Sailor.  Jump in and stop that ship." - The sailor jumped into
    the water in front of the ship, got plowed under, and chopped to bits by
    the props.  The admiral turned to the other two and stated, "That took
    some balls; I think that shows that the Navy is the toughest of the armed
         The Army General, pointing to a tank rolling across the fields,
    shouted to a soldier, "Soldier.  Run over there and stop that tank." The
    soldier jumped in front of the tank, and became part of the ground under
    the tanks treads.  The General turned to the other two and stated, "That
    took more balls and proves that the Army is the toughest of the armed
         The Army General and the Admiral turned to the Air Force General and
    claimed that nothing he could do would convince them that the Air Force
    was tougher than the Army or Navy...
         The Air Force General pointed to a F-16 rolling down a runway, "You
    see that F-16 over there?"  He then called to an Airman, "Airman.  Get out
    there on that runway and stop that F-16."
         The Airman turned to the General and said, "Fuck you, you crazy
    bastard.  You stop the damned plane yourself!"
         The Air Force General turned to the other two, and with a look of
    satisfaction said, "Now that took REAL BALLS!"
         A farmer decides to get a new rooster seeing how his old one has
    become rather haggard and unproductive in his old age.  The new young cock
    paraded around the henhouse with hot-blooded virility, snubbing his nose
    at the old rooster.
         The old rooster approaches him and says, "I'll admit you're a real
    bronco, son, but I still got a few years in me, you young whippersnapper!
    How about you give an old man one more chance to prove himself?"
         Still strutting a confident swagger, the young rooster asks, "All
    right, old man.  What you got in mind?"
         "How about a race around the farmer's house?"
         "Sure, old man.  I'll even give you a headstart!"
         So, the two roosters take their starting positions: the young rooster
    at the henhouse and the old rooster by the corner fencepost.  The race
    starts, and the old rooster runs his fastest bolt from the fence post.
    THe young rooster jogs with little concern.  As the old rooster makes his
    way across the front lawn, the young rooster beelines past the fencepost.
    The old rooster is by now rounding the back porch when the young rooster
    speedily catches up with him, and then, suddenly, BANG!  The young rooster
    drops dead.
         "Damn", says the farmer putting away his rifle.  "That's the third
    gay rooster I bought this month!"
         A young couple, on their way to get married, get into a car accident
    and are killed.  Upon arriving at the pearly gates of Heaven, they meet
    St.  Peter.  The young man explains that he and his fiance would still
    like to get married.

                              Humor Digest - July 90

                                    Clean Jokes

         St.  Peter says, "Son, you're in Heaven now.  This is eternity.
    Don't rush in to things - wait 50 years and see if you two still want to
    get married." The young couple agrees.
         They return to St.  Peter after 50 years.  Again St.  Peter says,
    "You're rushing in to this.  Wait another 50 years." Again the young
    couple waits, and returns.
         "St.  Peter - we've waited 100 years and we still want to get
    married.  Please don't put us off any longer.  We really want to get
    married now."
         St.  Peter replies: "OK, OK, just wait another 50 years.  I promise,
    if we don't have a clergyman up here by then, I'll do it myself!"
         A sweet young thing marries an old man for his money.  On their
    wedding night she jumps into bed and he holds up five fingers.
         "Oh, honey," she said with delight, "does that mean five times?"
         "No", he replies, "You can pick one out."
         Once upon a time there was a lion in the jungle who hadn't come upon
    any good-sized animals lately, and so, was very hungry.  He came upon a
    clearing, and lo and behold there, in the center, was a bull grazing!  He
    pounced on it, quickly killed, and ate it.
          He felt so good, having a full stomach after having been hungry so
    long, he started to roar with pleasure.  Hearing this, a hunter sprang
    from the edge of the clearing and shot him dead.
         Moral of the story: If you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut!
         There was this very professional salesman on his way to work one
    morning and as he walked up the street to catch the bus he noticed this
    young boy setting up what looked to be a Lemonade stand.  Thinking back to
    his struggling days as a new salesman he thought "You have to start
    somewhere I guess." Just then his bus arrived and got on the bus to go to
         The next morning again walking to the bus stop he saw the same little
    boy finishing construction on his little stand.  While waiting he watched
    the boy painting his Logo Sign on the header board above the stand.  It
    Read "DOG FOR SALE $10.00!" The bus again came and he got on and left.
         Well Every morning for the next week, just as the salesman would
    arrive at the bus stop, there across the street was the little boy
    standing faithfully behind his little stand trying to sell his trusty
    friend the dog for $10.00.
         The salesman now was starting to take interest noticing that the
    little boy was still standing at his stand in the evenings as the salesman
    returned home on the bus on the same corner each night.  So being the
    professional salesman he is, he thought maybe I should help this little
    boy by giving him some tips on "HOW TO SELL"
         So on his return bus ride that night he stopped at the little boys
    stand prepared to give him all the sales advice he could to help the
    little boy sell his dog.
         The conversation went like this:
         "Hello Little boy.  I am a Professional Salesman and I couldn't help
    seeing you out here everyday trying to sell your little friend there.  Can
    I give you some sales Advice that will surely help you accomplish your
         "Sure Mister.  Do you want to buy my dog?"

                              Humor Digest - July 90

                                    Clean Jokes

         "No Son but I can tell you how you can!"
         "Yea Ok Mister!"
         "Well first son you have to have a presentable product!  Look at that
    scroungy thing.  You can't sell him like that in that condition Here's
    what I want you to do.  I want you to take that dog home tonight and scrub
    him real good and brush his fur and then put a big blue bow on his
    collar.  And I will meet you at your stand in the morning to see how you
    did.  Okay?"
         "Okay mister!"
         The next morning the salesman left early to stop at the little boys
    stand for their next sales meeting.
         "Well, he looks pretty good.  You did a good job little boy.  Now so
    that you can sell your product you have to raise your price son!  When you
    have a prospect looking at your product, don't forget to ask for the
    order!  And don't give up until you have a commitment to buy!  Bargain!
    That's the name of the game!"
         "Alright mister.
         The Salesman then left as the little boy was getting ready to repaint
    his sign.
         The Next Morning the salesman, eager to see how well his new salesman
    was doing, again left early for the bus stop.
         When he arrived there across form the bus stop was the little boys
    stand, empty no little boy no dog and a big sign plastered across the
    stand "SOLD!"
         The salesman feeling proud of himself for giving such good advice to
    turn such a quick sale continued on to work with a big grin on his face.
         Well A week went by and on the way home one night he sees the little
    boy that sold the dog and curious how much he got for it runs up a catches
    the little boy and says.
         "Little Boy, do you remember me?  I'm the salesman that gave you the
    advice on how to sell your dog."
         "Sure Mister."
         "Well all I told you must have helped.  You closed the sale that very
    day!  Good Job.  Tell Me though.  How Much did you get for the dog?"
         "10,000 dollars Mister!"
         Astonished thinking this can't be right asks the boy again he
    responses the same.
         The salesman never having made such a fantastic sale as this
    questions the little boy one more time.
         And the little boy responds, "Yea mister $10,000.  You said never
    give up if you have a prospect willing to buy!  So I asked for the order
    and told him the price was firm at $10,000.  He said are you willing to
    bargain so I traded him for two $5000.  cats!  Pretty good huh mister?"

                              Humor Digest - July 90

                                   Ethnic Jokes

         There were these three people sitting in the lobby of an embassy.  A
    fly comes flying in and lands on the American.  He flicks it off, and it
    flys around some more and lands on the Jew.  The Jew flicks it off and it
    lands on the Arabian.  He picks it up and EATS it!
         Another fly comes buzzing into the lobby and it lands on the American
    guy's shoulder again and he flicks it off, and it flies around and lands
    on the Jew's shoulder.
         The Jew picks it up and says to the Arabian, "Ya wanna buy a fly?"
         There was this black guy who was a janitor at a factory.  Everyday at
    quitting time, the workers would see this guy pushing a wheel barrow full
    of aluminum cans to his house.  This routine went on for a couple of
         Then one day when the factory was shutting down, the janitor drives
    by in a brand new Cadillac.
         Amazed at this, one of the workers yelled, "Hey man how did you pay
    for that car?  Did all of them cans bring enough money to pay for it?"
         The janitor smiled and said, "No, it was all them wheel barrows!"
         The Pope, in Poland wanted to do something so that he would be
    remembered when he's gone.
         So, he called on all his advisors, and they told him that he should
    build a bridge, this way every time someone would go over it, they would
    remember him by the name of the bridge.
         "Excellent Idea," said the Pope.  "I must get my architects and
    builders on it right away!"
         The polish architects designed the most beautiful bridge you had ever
    seen, and it was built by the builders in record time, a most beautiful
         The Pope, upon meeting with the foreman said "Congratulations on your
    job.  I hear that the bridge is beautiful, what river did you build it
         "River?" asked the foreman, "We didn't build it over any river."
         "Oh, where did you build it then?" asked the Pope?
         "In the Sahara Desert." said the foreman.
         "In the Sahara Desert?  No one will go over it there.  Tear it down
         The foreman answered "Sorry, we can't.  There are 500 Irishmen
    fishing off of it."
         While taking his daily stroll, a man discovers a small, brass lamp.
    He thinks to himself; "This only occurs in fairy tales!" He decides to rub
    the lamp anyway.
         Lo, and behold, out pops the genie of the lamp who, in turn, grants
    the man an obligatory single wish and disappears.  The man, discovering
    that nothing has changed, returns to his home.
         Later that evening, the man hears riotous noises from outside his
    house.  He opens his window to investigate and sees several men wearing
    white robes standing outside.  On his lawn, burns a wooden cross.
         The man asks them what they are doing.
         One of the white-robed men, holding a rope noose, replies "We're here
    to grant your wish of being 'hung' like a black man!

                              Humor Digest - July 90

                                   Ethnic Jokes

         Three guys, a Frenchman, a German and a Pollock, were sitting in a
    bar.  In walked a mean looking black guy looking for a fight.  He sat
    down, ordered a beer, took a drink, went over and slapped the Frenchman
    and said, "I like fucking white women."
         The Frenchman looked at him and thought,"Well,that's great."
         Then the big black guy went over to the German, hit him on the
    shoulder and said, "I like fucking white women."
         The German looked at him and said, "Good for you."
         The black guy sat down and took another drink of his beer.  He got
    up, walked over to the Pollack and belted him on the back, then said, "I
    like fucking white women."
         The Pollock sat and thought for a second and finally said, "I don't
    blame you.  I don't like fucking those black ones either."
         There is kid who is a whiz in his calculus class.  A scientist wants
    to do studies on this kid, so the student agrees.
         The scientist asks the kid to count to three.  "1..2..3.." The
    scientist removes half of the students brain and asks him to count to
    three.  "1..2..3.."
         The scientist is amazed and removes another half of his brain,
    leaving the student with only a quarter of a brain.  Sure enough, the
    student counts off 1..2..3..
         The scientist is so amazed that he removes the remaining part of the
    students brain, leaving him with NO brain.
         The scientist asks him to count to three again.
         The student goes "Uno, Dos, Tres".
    Juan:  What kind of cup you use for coffee?
     Bob:  A coffee Cup.
    Juan:  What kind of cup you use for tea?
     Bob:  A Tea Cup.
    Juan:  What kind of cup you use to pee in?
     Bob:  A Pee Cup.
    Juan:  No man... that's what a Mexican drives to work every morning!

                              Humor Digest - July 90

                                    Gross Jokes

         This young stud was at his favorite singles bar one night, looking
    over the current crop of women, when he spotted, down at the end of the
    bar, an absolutely ravishing older woman of about 50 or so.  He was used
    to scoring with much younger girls, but he figured, what the hell.
         He went over and used one of his best pick-up lines; the woman was
    VERY receptive!!  So, soon they are back at her hotel room, doing the wild
    thing, and as he takes one of her tits in his mouth and sucks on it, he is
    rewarded with a mouthful of a warm sticky fluid.
         "Hey," he said, "aren't you a little old to be lactating?"
         "Yes," she said, "But not too old for breast cancer!".

                              Humor Digest - July 90

                                    Other Jokes

         Four workers were discussing how smart their dogs were.  The First
    was a Hughs Aircraft employee who said his dog could do math
    calculations.  His dog was named "T-Square" and he told the dog to go to
    the blackboard and draw a square, a circle, and a triangle, which the dog
    did with no trouble.
         The Burroughs employee's dog was named "Slide-Rule".  He was told to
    go fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back and divide them into four piles
    of three each, which he did.
         The Rockwell employee said that was pretty good, but he told his dog,
    "Measure," to go buy a quart of milk and pour seven ounces into a 10 ounce
    glass.  He did it perfectly.
         The three of them agreed that their dogs were all pretty smart, and
    they wanted to see what the Northrop employee's dog, who was named
    "Coffee-Break", could do.  At the snap of his owner's fingers,
    "Coffee-Break" strolled over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, screwed
    the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back, filed a workman's
    compensation form, and went home on sick leave.
         There was this man who was traveling through England when one day he
    stops off at this little pub for a drink.
         After cozying up to the bar and ordering, the man notices a large
    glass bowl of money behind the bar.
         When the bartender came back with his drink the man asked, "What's
    the bowl of money for?"
         "Well," said the bartender, "I've been having a contest of sorts.
    I've got this bonney-smart horse out back, and I'll give this here bowl of
    money to the first man who can make him laugh.  And if ya can't make him
    laugh you have toss a shilling into the kitty."
         The man thought about the contest while downing his drink, and
    decided to give it go.  The bartender then directed the man (and the
    nominal group of pub goers) through the back door and out to the barn.
         There the man walked up to the horse and whispered something into its
    ear.  Directly after the horse began to whinny up a storm and fell to the
    ground in gales of horse laughter.
         Well, to say the least, the bartender was amazed and handed over the
    bowl of money to the man.  The man heartily thanked him and continued his
         A few months later the man happens by the same little pub, and again,
    stops in for a drink.  And once again behind the bar is a glass bowl full
    of money.
         The man questions the bartender, "What kind of contest have you got
    going now?"
         "Well", begins the bartender, "I'm now giving this money to the man
    who can make my horse cry.  Are you up to the bet?"
         "Why, I guess I can risk one of YOUR shillings" replied the smiling
    man.  So off they went to the barn.
         This time though the man turns to the bartender and said "To make
    your horse cry, I must be alone with him for a moment."
         After heated discussion among the pub-goers the bartender agrees.
         Minutes after closing the barn door the crowd hears loud sobs coming
    from within.  Soon afterwards the doors swing open and the horse trots
    out, tears rolling down from its eyes.
         The man walks up to the bartender and requests the money.

                              Humor Digest - July 90

                                    Other Jokes

         "Hold it," cries the bartender, "before I give you the money, just
    how did you do it.  I mean how did you make the horse laugh a few months
    ago, and just now make it cry?"
         "Well," replies the man, "Last time I told the horse that my dick was
    bigger than his.  This time I SHOWED him!"
         There once was a little yellow frog who wanted to be a green frog
    like all the other little froggies of the world.
         So he asked the Fairy Godmother of Animals "Fairy Godmother, can I
    please be a little green frog like all the other little froggies of the
         So the Fairy Godmother waved her magic wand and POOF!  The little
    yellow frog turned into a green frog...  except for his penis!
         The embarrassed little frog asked the Fairy "Fairy Godmother, can I
    please be COMPLETELY green like all the other little froggies of the
         The Fairy Godmother replied, "You'll have to see the wizard about
         Later, in the same forest, a little pink elephant desired to be a
    little gray elephant just like all the other little elephants of the
         So, he asked the Fairy Godmother of Animals "Fairy Godmother, can I
    please be a little gray elephant like all the other little elephants of
    the world?"
         The Fairy Godmother waved her magic wand and POOF!  The little pink
    elephant turned into a little gray elephant...  except for his penis!
         The embarrassed little elephant asked the Fairy "Fairy Godmother, can
    I please be COMPLETELY gray like all the other little elephants of the
         The Fairy Godmother replied, "You'll have to see the wizard about
         The elephant said, "Well, where do I find the wizard?"
         The Fairy said, "Just follow the yellow prick toad!"
         Johnny has been blind ever since birth, so one day his mother comes
    in and tells him that tomorrow is a very special day.  She tells him that
    tonight when he goes to bed pray real hard.  So Johnny goes to bed praying
    really really hard.
         So the next day Johnny's mother comes into his room and says "Johnny,
    Johnny wake up and see that your prayers have been answered." Johnny opens
    his eyes and screams "Mommy, mommy I can't see."
         He mother replies, "I know, April fools Honey!"
         So these aliens come to earth and study it for a few weeks until they
    finally decide that the dominate species on Earth are machines.  They
    decide that someone should go down and approach the first machine he
         There is a flash of light and one of the aliens is standing in front
    of gas station, he looks around and walks up the a gas pump and says in a
    high squeaky voice:
         "Take me to your leader." and waits.  The gas pump didn't reply.  So
    the alien said again with a little more force: "Take me to your leader."
         Once again the gas pump did not answer, so the alien drew his blaster
    from his belt pointed it at the gas pump and yelled: "TAKE ME TO YOUR

                              Humor Digest - July 90

                                    Other Jokes

         The gas pump was doubtless frightened to death but still did not
    answer, so the alien let rip with a class 8a ray from his gun and the pump
    exploded throwing the alien several miles into the desert.
         Eventually his spacecraft came to pick him up.  Once on board a
    fellow alien told him: "I told you not to fuck with a guy that can wrap
    his dick around his head and shove it in his ear!"
         There was a kid named Johnny in kindergarten.  His father was real
    bad around him with swear words, so Johnny picked up in them and had the
    worst mouth at school.
         One day, the teacher was going through the alphabet, asking students
    for objects that started with that letter.  The teacher asked for a word
    that started with the letter "A", and Johnny raised his hand.
         She thought for a minute, then called on Mary because there were too
    many bad words that started with the letter "A".
         "Apple" said Mary.
         Then the teacher said "B".
         Johnny raised his hand, but yet the teacher called on Stevie, and he
    said "Ball."
         Finally, when the teacher got to the letter "R", Johnny raised his
    hand, and she called on him.  (she couldn't think of any bad words for the
    letter "R")
         Johnny stood up and said, "R, hmmmm....  A rat, Ya!, a mother fucking
    rat with a dick this big!" (Spreading his arms apart as far as he can)
         An old man goes into the Social Security Office and apply's.  Too old
    to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough.  He
    opens his shirt and shows them the grey hair on his chest and they except
    that as proof.
         He goes home to his wife show's her the check, and explains what has
         "Well get back down there, pull down your pant's and see if you can
    get disability!"
         Once upon a time there was a woman who wanted bigger tits.  All of a
    sudden her fairy godmother appeared and said "Every time a man says
    'Pardon' to you your tits will grow an inch."
         Happily she went to a Chinese restaurant and on her way she bumped
    into a policeman and he said "Pardon me, madam" and her tits grew an
         When she got to the restaurant she tripped and fell into a Chinese
    waiter and he replied "I beg you a 1000 pardons madam"
         The next day the newspaper headlines read "CHINESE WAITER KILLED BY

                              Humor Digest - July 90

                                   Sexual Jokes

         Little Johnny was 15 and had never gotten laid.  He saved up money
    from his paper route and went down to the local whorehouse.
         "Have you ever been with a woman?" the madam asked.
         "No, that's why I'm here." said Johnny.
         "Before you try a woman, why don't you get a little experience.  Go
    off in the woods and practice with trees."
         Johnny never thought of that, and went off to the woods.  In a week
    he returned.
         "Are you ready now?" the madam asked.
         "Sure am!"
         So one of the girls took Johnny up to a room and they undressed.
    "Get on your hands and knees," said Johnny.
         The girl thought that was pretty kinky for a virgin, but it was his
    money.  At that point Johnny began poking at her crotch with a stick.
         "Stop!" said the girl.  "What the hell are you doing?"
         "Checking for bees."
         A man was walking along the beach when he stumbled over something
    buried in the sand.  When he began digging the object out of the sand, he
    saw that it was an old Arabian lamp.  He thought to himself, "Wow, what a
    find" and began rubbing the lamp to clean it up a bit.  Whoosh!  Out
    popped a genie in a swirl of colored smoke.
         "Are you the man who rubbed the lamp?" asked the genie.
         In shocked silence, the man nodded.
         "I'll grant you three wishes," boomed the genie.
         The man, after recovering from his surprise, took a few minutes to
    think about what his wishes would be.
         "Hurry," said the genie, "I want to be on my way."
         "Okay, okay," said the man.  "For my first wish, I would like a
    million dollars." Poof!  A million dollars was sitting next to him.
         "For my second wish, I would like a solid gold Cadillac." Poof!  Next
    to the money was the gleaming car.
         "And, finally, for my last wish, I want to be between the legs of the
    most beautiful woman on earth." Poof!
         The genie turned him into a kotex.
         Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you about the twin brothers Chet & Paul
    Jones.  Paul, the single brother, was the proud owner of a dilapidated
    boat.  It so happened that Chet's wife died the same day that Paul's boat
         A few days later a kindly old old lady met Paul on the street and
    mistaking him for Chet said "Oh, Mr.  Jones, I'm so sorry to hear about
    your loss, you must feel terrible."
         Then Paul spoke up and said, "Well, I'm not in the least bit sorry,
    she was a rotten old thing from the beginning.  Her bottom was all
    shriveled and she smelt like an old dead fish.
         Even from the first time I got into her she made water faster than
    anything I have ever seen.  She had a bad crack in the front and a big
    hole in the back.  The hole got bigger every time I used her, and she
    leaked like a sieve.
         But this is really what finished her....  four guys from the other
    side of town, looking for a good time, asked me to rent her to them.  I
    warned them that she wasn't any good, but they said they would take a

                              Humor Digest - July 90

                                   Sexual Jokes

    chance on her.  The results were the crazy fools all tried to get into her
    at once.  It was too much for her and she cracked down the middle.
         One day the author of The Complete Guide to Sexual Practices was in a
    bookstore autographing copies when a woman approached him and began
    complaining that the book was incomplete.  This irritated the author
         "Madame, I have travelled the globe researching this book!  I have
    observed the Zulus in Africa, the Eskimos in Siberia, there are no methods
    of having sex that I have not described in The Guide!"
         The woman offered to demonstrate, back at her apartment.  Well, the
    author immediately agreed and they went back to her place.
         She instructed him to undress.  She then removed her glass eye and
    proceeded to 'wink him off.' The author was amazed!
         "Wow, that was the best ever!  I've got to go write the second
    edition!  Thanks!"
         "Sure thing," replied the woman.  "If you're in town again stop by,
    I'll keep an eye out for you."
         One day lady Di and the queen mother decided to go for a drive.  So
    they hopped in the Bentley and off they go.  A short distance down the
    road a highwayman roars out from behind a bush and pulls them over.
         "O.K.  Di give me that big diamond ring prince Charles gave you."
         "I'm sorry, but that ring is out of fashion and I left it at the
         "O.K.  Liz, give me that god awful tiera you wear all the time."
         "I'm sorry, but it's out of fashion and I left it back at the
         "Well shit, get out of the car at least I'll get that."
         They hop out and off the guy goes with the car.
         The queen turns to Di and asks " What did you really do with your
         "I put it up my snatch so he wouldn't find it.  What did you do with
    your tiera?"
         "I put it up my snatch so he wouldn't find it."
         Suddenly Di says "Damn, we should have brought Fergie along with us!
    We could have kept the Bentley too!"
         Night after night a young boy could hear strange noises coming from
    his parents' room.  One night, he couldn't stand it any more.  He got up,
    crept down the hall, and peeked through his parents' keyhole.
         He was so amazed at what he saw, he ran down the hall and woke his
    brother and brought him to their parents' door.
         "Now," he said, "before you look, remember...  This is the woman that
    told you not to suck your thumb."
         A farmer who has 100 hens and no roosters goes to a rooster farmer to
    buy a rooster.
         The farmer asks for a real horny rooster who can handle all those
    hens.  The rooster farmer says that he only has Jake.  But says he can't
    sell jake for safety reasons.  The first farmer begs, and finally is able
    to buy Jake.
         The farmer takes Jake home, all the rooster keeps sayin is: "Pussy
    pussy pussy!"

                              Humor Digest - July 90

                                   Sexual Jokes

         The next day all the chickens have been serviced.  But Jake is still
    running around saying "Pussy pussy pussy!"
         The farmer tells Jake that he'd better slow down or he's gonna die.
         The following day, all the chickens have been serviced again and so
    have the horses and cows!
         Jake is still horny and is running around screaming the same thing!
    Again the farmer warns him that he'll die, if he keeps it up.
         On the third day, the farmer comes out to see all the chickens, cows,
    horses, and hogs have been serviced twice by Jake!  And there was Jake
    laying out on the ground, vultures flying overhead, the farmer says "See,
    I told ya..."
         Jake points up and whispers,"Shhhh...pussy."
       You: "Did ya ever get caught beating-off in the closet?"
    Victim: "No!"
       You: "Pretty good hiding place, huh?"
         A ninety-year-old woman and a ninety-three-year-old man had just
    gotten married.  When the husband came out of the bathroom ready for bed,
    he found his wife standing on her head, naked, up against the wall.
         "What in tarnation are you doing?" he demanded.
         "Well," she explained, "I figured in case you couldn't get it up, you
    could drop it in."
         There was a line of whores standing in line to get a monthly venereal
    disease checkup and an old lady steps up to one of the whores in line and
    asks the whore what they are all waiting in line for.
          Being the bitch that she is, the whore tells the old lady that they
    are waiting in line for lollipops so the old lady gets in line to get her
         When she finally gets to the front of the line the doctor looks at
    her surprised and says "My god lady at your age!"
         The old lady simply responds, "God no I just suck on them..."
         A scientist calls his assistant in and tells him "I've created an
    apple that tastes like pussy!"
         "Great, let me have a bite!" He takes a bite and spit's it out "That
    tastes like shit!"
         "Oh." says the scientist "Turn It Over."
         A travelling salesmans' car breaks down and hikes to the nearest
    farm.  Of course this farmer has a few daughters, one age 19, one 13 and
    one 9.
         The farmer told the man that he could stay the night providing he
    didn't mess with any of his daughters.  The man says ok, no problem.
         Night falls and not too long afterwards the man has a knock on his
         He answers it and it turns out to be the 19 year old who says "If you
    don't screw me, I am going to paint my room red and tell my daddy you
    broke my cherry!"
         The guy, remembered seeing the arsenal the farmer had, cringed and
    replied to the girl, "Well then c'mon in!" So he screws her and after she
    leaves it isn't too much longer before the 13 year old is aknockin' at the

                              Humor Digest - July 90

                                   Sexual Jokes

         He answers it and she says, "If you don't screw me, I'm gonna paint
    my room red and tell daddy that you broke my cherry." The man of course
    lets her in and screws her too.
         She leaves and a little while later the 9 year old comes a knockin'
    at the door as well.  The man answers it, and the little girl says to him
    "If you don't screw me, I am gonna paint my room green and say you broke
    my cherry."
         The man, a bit confused, says "Why would you paint it GREEN?"
         She replies "Mine isn't ripe yet!"
         Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench, when a flasher comes by
    and opens his coat right in front of them.
         Well, the first old lady has a stroke, the second old lady has a
    stroke as well, but unfortunately the third old ladys' arms weren't long
         Three big dogs are in the waiting room at the vets office.
         They start talking about why they are there, and the first dog says,
    "I'm here because I'm way too horny.  I was trying to make advances on my
    master's wife."
         The other two dogs were amazed, they were there for the same reason!
         The second dog said, "My master's wife bent over when she got out of
    the shower, and I mounted her.  It's nice to know I'm not the only one
    who's going to be neutered."
         The first dog nodded glumly.
         The third dog, however, looked puzzled.  "I mounted my master's wife
    when she put on her slippers in the morning, but I'm not here to be
    neutered.  I'm just here to have my nails clipped and my claws trimmed..."
         A little boy walks up to his dad and asks: ""Daddy, what's a penis?
    So the dad takes the boy to the bathroom and pulls down his pants.
         Then, the dad says: "Son, not only is this a penis but it's a PERFECT
         The next day, the boy goes to school and says to his friends, "I know
    what a penis is." Upon being asked how he knew, he takes his friends to
    the bathroom and pulls down his pants.
         He says,"This is a penis and if it was two inches shorter, it would
    be a PERFECT penis."
         Two people are in the bathroom.  The first guy says to the second
    guy, "I wish I had one as long as my cousin's.  He has to hold it with
    four fingers!"
         Then the second guy says to the first guy, "But you're holding yours
    with four fingers!"
         "Yeah, but I'm pissing on three of them!
         A guy was driving down the street in his totally hot sports car, when
    he stopped a light and the most erection-inducing woman he's ever seen
    hops in.  His eyes bulge out completely when she says, "I LOVE fast cars.
    If you can break 130 MPH I'll be your love slave for a week!"
         The guy shifts gears and heads for a country backroad.  He
    accelerates at a blinding rate!  He gets to 120, 126, 128, 129 ...  130!
    He looks over, and she strips buck naked in front of his eyes!  Not
    watching the road, he hits a bump and they are thrown out of the

                              Humor Digest - July 90

                                   Sexual Jokes

    convertible, which flies off and wrecks.
         When they awaken, she finds that she has hit a pile of hay and is
    unharmed, but nude.  He finds that he is clothed, but tangled in telephone
    lines 20 feet up and can't get out.
         He says, "Go for help!  There's a gas station about 1/2 a mile back."
         She says, "But I'm naked!"
         He strains and stretches and finally reaches his shoe.  He pulls it
    off and it drops to the ground.
         "Cover up however you can with that, but just GET HELP!"
         So she lodges the sneaker into her snatch, and walks back along the
    road.  She arrives at the gas station and sees the attendant.
         "Help, help!  My boyfreind's stuck and he can't get out!"
         The attendant looks at the shoe and says, "How the hell did he get in
         A traveling salesman in a rural part of Oklahoma sees a boy screwing
    a huge jackrabbit.  And a while later he sees an old codger, sitting on a
    fence, jerking-off.
         He stops and says to the old guy, 'You Okies are something else,
    First I see a kid screwing a rabbit and now this!"
         The old man replies, "You don't expect me to catch rabbits at my age
    do you?"
         A farmer was trying to get his two cows, one brown and one white,
    bred by a neighbor's bull.  That Sunday, the local minister was going to
    pay a call and since the farmer didn't want to miss the call, asked his
    son to go to the pasture and watch to see if the bull did his duty.
         He said, "Now son, if the bull takes care of one of the cows I want
    you to come back in the house and tell me, 'Dad, the bull surprised the
    cow', and I'll know what you mean." The son acknowledged his dad and left
    for the field.
         Later, the minister and farmer were in the living room when the son
    came bursting in through the door and said, "Dad!  The bull just fucked
    the brown cow!"
         The farmer's face reddened as he grabbed the son and took him off to
    the kitchen.  "Don't ever say something like that in front of the
    minister!  Go back out into the field and tell me if the bull takes care
    of the white cow, and this time tell me, 'the bull surprised the white
    cow.'" The boy left, only to return a short time later.
         He yelled, "Dad, dad!  The bull..."
         The farmer interrupted him quickly and said, "I know, son, the bull
    surprised the white cow."
         The son replied, "He sure did, he fucked the brown one again!"
         A man walks in a barber shop and asks the barber "Do you cut women's
         The barber replies "Of course, we cut all hair!"
         The man replies, while pointing to his teeth "Could you get this one
    right here!"

                              Humor Digest - July 90

                                  Dirty Limericks

    There was a young man from Dargeeling
    Whose dong reached up to the ceiling
      In the electric light socket
      He'd put it and rock it,
    Oh God!  What a wonderful feeling!
    A fair-haired young damsel named Grace
    Thought it very, very foolish to place
      Her hand on your cock
      When it turned hard as rock,
    For fear it would explode in her face.
    There once was a floozie named Annie
    Whose prices were cosy -- but canny:
      A buck for a fuck,
      Fifty cents for a suck,
    And a dime for a feel of her fanny.
    A notorious whore named Miss Hearst
    In the weakness of men is well versed.
      Reads a sign o'er the head
      Of her well-rumpled bed:
    "The customer always comes first."
    There once was a young man named Lanny
    The size of whose prick was uncanny.
      His wife, the poor dear,
      Took it into her ear,
    And it came out the hole in her fanny.
    When he tried to inject his huge whanger
    A young man aroused his girl's anger.
      As they strove in the dark
      She was heard to remark,
    "What you need is a zeppelin hanger."

                              Humor Digest - July 90

                                 Clean One-Liners

    Q: Do you know how the Pope keeps his papers together?

    A: With papal clips.
    Q: What's the definition of constipation?

    A: A log jam.
    Q: How do we know computers have been around since biblical times?

    A: Because Eve had an apple and Adam had a wang.
    Q: What's one advantage of old age?

    A: You can sing and brush your teeth at the same time!
    Q: What happens when a bunch of cut onions floats downstream?

    A: It makes the Bridge Over the River Kwai (cry).

                              Humor Digest - July 90

                                 Ethnic One-Liners

    Q: What do you call an Ethiopian with buck-teeth?

    A: A rake!
    Q: What do you call an Ethiopian in a fur coat?

    A: A pipe cleaner.
    Q: How can you tell that a woman is REALLY fat?

    A: When she walks backward, she goes BEEP, BEEP, BEEP!
    Q: What do you call an Ethiopian with a dime on his head?

    A: A nail.
    Q: What is Jewish foreplay?

    A: Two hours of begging!
    Q: How can you tell if your wife's too fat?

    A: You slap her behind on the way out to work, and its still wiggling when
       you return, that evening.
    Q: What's a wiener?

    A: The first one to cross the line at a Mexican track meet.
    Q: What does an Ethiopian woman NEVER say to her husband?

    A: "Eat me."
    Q: What's black, charred, and hangs from the chandelier?

    A: A polish electrician
    Q: Did you hear about the Pollack who was so stupid that other poles

    A: (none required)
    Q: Did you hear about the polish prisoner who was found dead with two
       dozen bumps on his head?

    A: He tried to hang himself with a rubber band.

                              Humor Digest - July 90

                                 Gross One-Liners

    Q: Why did they stop the leper hockey game?

    A: There was a face off in the corner.

    Q: Why did they stop the leper football game?

    A: There was a hand off in the backfield.
    Q: What do you call someone who spikes the punch with prune juice?

    A: A party pooper.

                              Humor Digest - July 90

                                 Other One-Liners

                         A Collection of Light Bulb Jokes

    Q: How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?

    A: Six.  One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the
    Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    A: Five.  One to change the bulb and four more to chase off the
       Californians who have come up to relate to the experience.
    Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    A1: None a ya damn business!
    A2: 50.  50?  Yeah 50; its in the contract.
    Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb?

    A: Two.  One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis.
    Q: How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

    A1: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.
    A2: None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready.
    Q: How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    A1: None.  That's a hardware problem.
    A2: Two.  One always leaves in the middle of the project.
    Q: How many Field Service Engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

    A1: None.  That's a software problem.
    A2: None.  They always work in the dark!
    Q: How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?

    A: As many as you want; they're all virtual, anyway.
    Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?

    A: That's proprietary information.  Answer available from AT&T on payment
       of license fee.
    Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it
    Q: How many "Real Men" does it take to change a light bulb?

    A1: None.  "Real Men" aren't afraid of the dark.

                              Humor Digest - July 90

                                 Other One-Liners

    A2: None of your damn business!
    Q: How many "Real Women" does it take to change a light bulb?

    A: None.  A "Real Woman" would have plenty of real men around to do it.
    Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    A: None.  ("That's all right...I'll just sit here in the dark...")
    Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    A: Only two, but the hard part is getting them into the light bulb.
    Q: How many Pollocks does it take to change a light bulb?

    A: Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on strike!
    Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    A: Silly, Californians don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in hot
    Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
    Q: How many Generals/Politicians does it take to change a light bulb?

    A: 1,000,001.  One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild
       civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.
    Q: How many survivors of a nuclear war does it take to screw in a light

    A: None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs.
    Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

    A: Seven.  One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do
       with the old one for the next 10,000 years.
    Q: How many pre-med students does it take to change a light bulb?

    A: Five.  One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from
       under him.
    Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?

    A: Three, but they're really only one.
    Q: How many Christian Scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    A: None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old one to go

                              Humor Digest - July 90

                                 Other One-Liners

       back on.
    Q: How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    A: Two.  One to screw it in, and another to repent.
    Q: How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?

    A: One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.
    Q: How many Feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

    A: That's not funny!
    Q: How many Radcliffe girls does it take to change a light bulb?

    A: It's "Women," and it's not funny!
    Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?

    A: None.  The press will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
    Q: How many supply-side economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    A: None.  If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw
       itself in.
    Q: How many valley girls does it take to change a light bulb?

    A: Oh Icky, manual labor?  Gag me with a spoon!  For sure.
    Q: How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb?

    A: Three: One to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the
       light bulb insertion program, and another one to act as a light bulb
       administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb
       at the same time.
    Q: How many straight San Franciscans does it take to screw in a light

    A: Both of them.
    Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    A1: A tree in a golden forest.
    A2: Two: one to change the bulb and one not to change it.
    A3: One to change and one not to change is fake Zen.  The true Zen answer
        is Four.  One to change the bulb.
    A4: Zen Masters don't need to screw in light bulbs because they carry
        their own light with them.
    Q: How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

                              Humor Digest - July 90

                                 Other One-Liners

    A: Billions and billions.
    Q: How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    A: Two.  One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good
       the old light bulb was.
    Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?

    A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with
       brightly colored machine tools.
    Q: How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    A: Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of light bulbs!
    Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    A: Three.  One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation
       specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
    Q: What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?

    A: You can unscrew a light bulb.
    Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?

    A: Three.  One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number to call one
       of their subordinates to actually change it.
    Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?

    A: 100.  Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC75-00439
       Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the
       pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% of the
       definitions are of the form "A ......  consists of sequences of
       non-blank characters separated by blanks".
    Q: How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb?

    A: None.  They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first
    Q: How many gays does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    A: Two.  One to screw it in and the other to say "Fabulous."
    Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?

    A: Only one, but they get three technical reports out of it.
    Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb?

    A: Three.  One to change the light bulb, one to be a witness, and the

                              Humor Digest - July 90

                                 Other One-Liners

       third to shoot the witness.
    Q: How many does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    A: 10.  One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder.
    Q: How many strong does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    A: 115.  One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house.
    Q: How many gods does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    A: Two.  One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.
    Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    A: None.  It turned itself in.
    Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

    A: How many can you afford?
    Q: How many football players does it take to change a light bulb?

    A: The entire team!  And they all get a semester's credit for it!
    Q: How many lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    A: Three.  One to screw it in and two to talk about how much better it is
       than with a man.
    Q: How many cabbage patch dolls does it take to change a light bulb?

    A: The question is irrelevant since you couldn't find the dolls even if
       you knew how many.  Note: Topical to 1983 and the difficulty of
       obtaining cabbage patch dolls
    Q: How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    A: Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!
    Q: How many "pro-lifers" does it take to change a light bulb?

    A: Six.  Two to screw in the bulb and four to testify that it was lit from
       the moment they began screwing.
    Q: How many sorority sisters does it take to change a light bulb?

    A: 51.  One to change the bulb, and 50 to sing about the bulb being
    Q: How many frat guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    A1: Three.  One to screw it in, and the other two to help him down off the

                              Humor Digest - July 90

                                 Other One-Liners

    A2: Five.  One to hold the bulb, and four to guzzle beer until the room
    Q: How many Harvard students does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    A: Just one.  He holds the light bulb and the universe revolves around
    Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    A: Two.  One to assure that everything possible is being done while the
       other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
    Q: How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed?

    A: This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete
       pending resolution of some action items.  It will be continued next
       week.  Meanwhile...
    Q: How many assholes does it take to change a light bulb?

    A: None; assholes never see the light anyway.
    Q: How many necrophiliacs does it take to screw in a light bulb?"

    A1: None, Necrophiliacs prefer dead bulbs.
    A2: Only one.  Oh, excuse me could you please test the socket with your
        finger while I go get a new bulb?"
    Q: How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?

    A: About one third less than for a regular bulb.
    Q: How many Jewish-American Princesses does it take to screw in a light

    A: Two.  One to hold the Diet Pepsi and one to call Daddy.
    Q: How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    A: What kind of answer did you have in mind?
    Q: How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb?

    A: As many as it takes to make a pile big enough to climb on to reach the
    Q: How many economists does it take to change a light bulb?

    A: Two.  One to assume the ladder, and one to change the light bulb.
    Q: How many civil servants does it take to change a light bulb?

                              Humor Digest - July 90

                                 Other One-Liners

    A: 45.  One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.
    Q: How many junkies does it take to change a light bulb?

    A: Oh wow, is it like dark, man?
    Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?

    A: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.
    Q: How many U.S marines does it take to screw in a light bulb ?

    A: 50.  One to screw in the light bulb and the remaining 49 to guard him.
    Q: How many technical writers does it take to screw in a light-bulb?

    A: Just one, provided there's a programmer around to explain how to do it.
    Q: "How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb?"

    A: "151.  One to screw the light bulb in, and 150 to self-destruct the
       ship out of disgrace." (Warning: Do not tell this to Romulans unless
       you are ready for a fight.  They consider a joke to be a disgrace,
       though it is not bad for a light bulb joke.)
    Q: How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to screw in a
       light bulb?

    A: Many hands make light work.
    Q: How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb?

    A: "Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000"
    Q: How many members of the U.S.S.  Enterprise does it take to change a
       light bulb?

    A: Seven: Scotty will report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in the
       Engineering Section is burnt out, to which Kirk will send Bones to
       pronounce the bulb dead.  Scotty, after checking around, notices that
       they have no more new light bulbs, and complains that he can't see in
       the dark to tend to his engines.  Kirk must make an emergency stop at
       the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb
       from the natives.  Kirk, Spock, Bones, Sulu, and 3 red shirt security
       officers beam down.  The 3 security officers are promptly killed by the
       natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured.  Meanwhile,
       back in orbit, Scotty notices a Klingon ship approaching and must warp
       out of orbit to escape detection.  Bones cures the native king who is
       suffering from the flu, and as a reward the landing party is set free
       and given all of the light bulbs they can carry.  Scotty cripples the
       Klingon ship and warps back to the planet just in time to beam up Kirk
       et.  al.  The new bulb is inserted, and the Enterprise continues with
       its five year mission.

                              Humor Digest - July 90

                                 Other One-Liners

    Q: How many efficiency experts does it take to replace a light bulb?

    A: None.  Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs.
    Q: How many Pygmies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    A: At least three.
    Q: How many Chinese Red Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    A: 10,0000 - to give the bulb a cultural revolution.
    Q: How many astronomers does it take to change a light bulb?

    A: None.  Astronomers prefer the dark.
    Q: How many anarchists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    A: All of them.
    Q: Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb?

    A: No, big daddy, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.
    Q: How many ergonomicists does it take to change a light bulb?

    A: Five.  Four to decide which way the bulb OUGHT to turn, and...
    Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    A: Two, one to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a
       surprising twist at the end.
    Q: How many Field Service Engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

    A: That depends on how many defective bulbs they brought.
    Q: How many referral agents does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    A: Two: One to screw you out of a fee, and the other to send you to a
       store where they ran out of bulbs weeks ago.
    Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    A: Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself
       symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a
       netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos
       of nothingness.
    Q: How many members of the Impossible Missions Force does it take to
       change a light bulb?

    A: Five: While Cinnamon creates a diversion by wearing a skimpy dress, I
       use a tiny narcotic dart to knock out the fascist dictator and remove

                              Humor Digest - July 90

                                 Other One-Liners

       his body.  Rollin, wearing a plastic mask, masquerades as the dictator
       long enough for Barney to sneak up to the next floor, drill a hole down
       into the light fixture, remove the burned-out bulb, and replace it with
       a new super-high wattage model of his own design.  Meanwhile, Willie
       has driven up to the door in a laundry truck.  Just before Rollin's
       real identity is revealed, we escape to the laundry truck, drive to the
       airfield, and return to the United States.
    Q: How many people does it take to tell a light bulb joke?

    A: 1622.  One to tell the original joke, and the rest to give some minor
       variation of it!

                              Humor Digest - July 90

                                 Sexual One-Liners

    Q: How can a real man tell his girlfriends having an orgasm?

    A: Real men don't care.
    Q: Why do bi-sexuals and gay men smoke cigars?

    A: Practice makes perfect!
    Q: Why did Helen Keller fire her maid?

    A: She left the plunger in the toilet.

    Q: Why did Hellen Keller hire her back?

    A: She liked it!
    Q: What is virginity?

    A: A Big issue over a little tissue!
    Q: What is the difference between a sewing machine and a woman jogger?

    A: A sewing machine only has one bobbin'.
    Q: What's a faggot's favorite flavor of gum?

    A: Juicy Fruit!
    Q: Why did the priest die of AIDS?

    A: He forgot to wash his organ between hymns.
    Q: What do a walrus and a tupperware salesperson have in common?

    A: They both like a tight seal!
    Q: What's the difference between an oral and a rectum thermometer?

    A: The Taste.
    Q: Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

    A: He worked it out with a slide rule.
    Q: What's the coldest part of an eskimo?

    A: His balls.  they're two below.
    Q: What do you call a calf's pussy?

    A: Veal cuntlet.
    Q: What are "Brownie Points"?

                              Humor Digest - July 90

                                 Sexual One-Liners

    A: What you find in a future girl scout's bra!
    Q: What's a clitoris?

    A: A female hood ornament!
    Q: What do you do when a pitbull humps your leg?

    A: Fake an orgasm!
    Q: What's the most common bra size at the Senior Citizens' Home?

    A: 38 Long.
    Q: Why should you only have sex for six days of a seven day long

    A: Because seven days makes a whole week.
    Q: What is a display of complete honesty and trust?

    A: 2 cannibals in a sixty-nine!
    Q: What's better than roses on a piano?

    A: Tulips (two lips) on my organ!
    Q: Who are the most sociable people in the world?

    A: Gay men.  They all have friends up the ass!
    Q: Why couldn't the gay student sit down?

    A: His seat was taken right before class.
    Q: How can you tell most theatrical agents are gay?

    A: They like to get behind their young talent and push!

                              Humor Digest - July 90



    We'll begin with box, and the plural is boxes;
    But the plural of ox should be oxen, not oxes.
    Then one fowl is goose, but two are called geese
    Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
    You may find a lone mouse or a whole lot of mice,
    But the plural of house is houses, not hice.
    If the plural of man is always called men,
    When couldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
    The cow in the plural may be cows or kine,
    But the plural of vow is vows, not vine.
    And I speak of a foot, and you show me your feet,
    But I give a boot - would a pair be called beet?
    If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
    Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
    If the singular is this and plural is these,
    Why shouldn't the plural of kiss be nicknamed kese?
    Then one may be that, and three may be those,
    Yet the plural of hat would never be hose;
    We speak of a brother, and also of brethren,
    But though we say mother, we never say methren.
    The masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
    But imagine the feminine she, shis, and shim!
    So our English, I think you will all agree,
    Is the trickiest language you ever did see.
    I take it you already know
    Of tough and bough and cough and dough?
    Others may stumble, but not you
    On hiccough, thorough, slough, and through?
    Well done! And now you wish, perhaps
    To learn of less familiar traps?
    Beware of heard, a dreadful word
    That looks like beard and sounds like bird.
    And dead; it's said like bed, not bead;
    For goodness sake, don't call it deed!
    Watch out for meat and great and threat,
    (they rhyme with suite and straight and debt)
    A moth is not a moth in mother.
    Nor both in bother, broth in brother.
    And here is not a match for there.
    And dear and fear for bear and pear.
    And then there's dose and rose and lose --
    Just look them up -- and goose and choose.
    And cork and work and card and ward,
    And font and front and word and sword.
    And do and go, then thwart and cart.
    Come, come, I've hardly made a start.
    A dreadful language? Why, man alive,
    I'd learned to talk it when I was five,
    And yet to write it, the more I tried,
    I hadn't learned it at fifty-five!

                              Humor Digest - July 90


    The cheerful glass with a cheerful lass
    Is a mighty fine thing together.
    But a cheerful lass with a cheerful ass
    To my mind is a damn sight better.
    So here's to the glass, the lass and the ass,
    May all three come together.
    Drinking the glass, feeling the ass
    And making the lass feel better.
                             THE BALLAD OF ESKIMO NELL

    When a man grows old and his balls grow old,
    And the tip of his tool turns blue,
    When it bends in the middle,
    Like a one string fiddle,
    He can tell you a tale or two.
    So pull up chair and stand me a drink,
    And a tale to you I'll tell,
    Of Dead-Eye Dick and Mexican Pete,
    And a harlot called Eskimo Nell.

    When Dead-Eye Dick and Mexican Pete,
    Go forth in search of fun,
    It's Dead-Eye Dick,
    That slings the prick,
    And Mexican Pete the gun.
    When Dead-Eye Dick and Mexican Pete
    Are sore, depressed, and sad,
    It's always a cunt that bears the brunt,
    But the shooting ain't so bad.

    Now Dead-Eye Dick and Mexican Pete
    Lived down by dead man's creek,
    And such was their luck,
    They'd had no fuck,
    For nigh on half a week.
    Just a moose or two and a caribou,
    And a bison cow or so,
    But for dead-eye dick with his kingly prick
    This fucking was bloody slow.

    So do or dare this horny pair,
    Set forth for the Rio Grande.
    Dead-Eye Dick,
    With his mighty prick,
    And Pete with his gun in his hand.
    And as they blazed their noisy trail,
    No man their path withstood,
    And many a bride, her husband's pride,
    Knew pregnant widowhood.

    They reached the strand of the Rio Grande,
    At the height of blazing noon,
    And to slake their thirst,

                              Humor Digest - July 90


    And do their worst,
    They sought black mike's saloon.
    They pushed the swing doors open wide,
    Both prick and gun flashed free.
    "According to sex, you bleeding wrecks,
    You drink or fuck with me."

    They'd heard of the prick of Dead-Eye Dick,
    From Maine to Panama.
    So with scarcely worse,
    Than a muttered curse,
    Those dagoes sought the bar.
    The girls knew too his playful ways,
    Down on the rio grande,
    So forty whores just dropped their drawers,
    At Dead-Eye Dick's command.

    They saw the fingers of Mexican Pete,
    Itch on the trigger grip,
    And they didn't wait,
    At a fearful rate,
    Those whores began to strip.
    Now Dead-Eye Dick was breathing quick,
    With lecherous snorts and grunts,
    As forty bums were bared to view,
    And likewise forty cunts.

    Now forty bums and forty cunts,
    If you'll just use your wits,
    And if you're slick,
    At arithmetic,
    Makes just on eighty tits.
    Now eighty tits are a gladsome sight,
    For a man with a raging stand,
    It may be rare in berkeley square,
    But not on the rio grande.

    Now Dead-Eye Dick had fucked a few,
    On the last preceding night,
    But this was done,
    Only for fun,
    Just to whet his appetite.
    His phallic limb was in fucking trim,
    As he backed and took a run,
    He made a dart at the nearest tart,
    And scored a hole in one.

    He bore this whore to the sandy floor,
    And there he fucked her fine,
    And though she grinned,
    It put the wind,
    Up the other thirty nine.
    When Dead-Eye Dick lets loose his prick,
    He's got no time to spare,

                              Humor Digest - July 90


    For speed and length combined with strength,
    He fairly singes hair.

    He made a dart to the next spare tart,
    When into that harlot's hell,
    Strolled a gentle maid,
    Who was unafraid,
    And her name was Eskimo Nell.
    By this time Dick had got his prick,
    Well into number two,
    When eskimo nell let out a yell,
    She bawled to him "hey you!"

    He gave a flick of his muscular prick,
    And the whore flew over his head,
    He wheeled about,
    With an angry shout,
    Both face and balls were red.
    She glanced our hero up and down,
    His looks she did decry,
    With utter scorn she glimpsed the horn,
    That rose from his hairy thigh.

    She blew the smoke from her cigarette,
    Over his steaming knob;
    So utterly beat,
    Was mexican pete,
    That he failed to do his job.
    It was Eskimo Nell who broke the spell,
    In accents clear and cool,
    "You cunt-struck shrimp of a yankee pimp,
    You call that thing a tool?"

    "If this here town can't take that down,"
    She sneered at the cowering whores,
    "There's one little cunt,
    Can do the stunt,
    And it's Eskimo Nell's, not yours".
    She stripped her garments one by one,
    With an air of conscious pride.
    As she stood in her womanhood,
    They saw her great divide.

    She seated herself on a table top,
    Where some one had left a glass.
    With a flick of her tits,
    She crushed it to bits,
    Between the cheeks of her ass.
    She flexed her knees with supple ease,
    And spread her legs apart.
    With a friendly nod to the mangy sod,
    She gave him his cue to start.

    But Dead-Eye Dick knew a trick or two,

                              Humor Digest - July 90


    And meant to take his time,
    For a girl like this,
    Was fucking bliss,
    So he played a pantomime.
    He flexed his arse-hole to and fro,
    And made his balls inflate,
    Until they looked like granite knobs,
    On top of a garden gate.

    He blew his anus inside out,
    His balls increased in size,
    His mighty prick,
    Grew twice as thick,
    And stretched up past his eyes.
    He polished it up with alcohol,
    And made it steaming hot.
    To finish the job he sprinkled his knob,
    With a cayenne pepper pot.

    Then neither did he take a run,
    Nor did he take a leap,
    Nor did he stoop,
    But took a swoop,
    And a steady forward creep.
    With piercing eye he took a sight,
    Along his mighty tool,
    And the steady grin as he pushed it in,
    Was calculated cool.

    Have you seen the mighty pistons,
    On the giant C.P.R ?
    With the driving force
    Of a thousand horse,
    Well, you know what pistons are.
    So you think you do; but you've yet to learn
    The ins and outs of the trick;
    Of the work that's done on a non-stop run,
    By a guy like Dead-Eye Dick.

    Well Eskimo Nell was no infidel,
    As good as a whole harem.
    With the strength of ten, in her abdomen,
    And the rock of ages between em.
    Amid stops she could take the stream,
    Like the flush of a water closet,
    And she gripped his cock,
    Like the chatswood lock,
    Of the national safe deposit.

    But Dead-Eye Dick would not come quick,
    He meant to conserve his powers,
    For he had a mind,
    To grind and grind,
    For a couple of solid hours.

                              Humor Digest - July 90


    Nell lay for a while with a subtle smile,
    The grip of her cunt grew keener,
    With a flick of her thigh she sucked him dry,
    With the ease of a vacuum cleaner.

    She performed this trick in a way so slick,
    As to set in complete defiance,
    The basic cause,
    And primary laws,
    That govern sexual science.
    She calmly rode through the phallic code,
    That, for years, had stood the test,
    And the ancient rules of the classic schools,
    In a second or two went west.

    And so, my friend, we near the end,
    Of copulations epic;
    The effect on dick,
    Was sudden and quick,
    And akin to anaesthetic.
    He fell to the floor and knew no more,
    His passions extinct and dead,
    And he did not shout as his prick slid out,
    Though it was stripped down to a thread.

    Then Mexican Pete jumped to his feet,
    To avenge his friend's affront.
    With a jarring jolt
    Of his blue-nosed colt,
    He rammed it up her cunt.
    He rammed it up to the trigger grip
    And fired it three times three.
    But to his surprise she closed her eyes,
    And smiled in ecstasy.

    She jumped to her feet with a smile so sweet,
    "Bully", she said, "for you,
    Though I might have guessed,
    That was the best,
    That you poor sods could do".
    "When next my friend that you intend,
    To sally forth for fun,
    Buy Dead-Eye Dick a sugar stick,
    And yourself an elephant gun".

    "I'm going back to the frozen north,
    Where the pricks are hard and strong.
    Back to the land,
    Of the frozen stand,
    Where the nights are six months long".
    "It's hard as tin when they put it in,
    In the land where spunk is spunk.
    Not a trickling stream of lukewarm cream,
    But a frozen solid chunk".

                              Humor Digest - July 90


    "Back to the land where they understand,
    What it means to fornicate.
    Where even the dead,
    Sleep two in a bed,
    And the babies masturbate".
    "Back to the land of the grinding gland,
    Where the walrus plays with his prong".
    Where the polar bear wanks-off in his lair,
    That's where they'll sing this song".

    "They'll tell this tale on the arctic trail,
    Where the nights are sixty below."
    Where it's so damn cold,
    That johnnies are sold,
    Wrapped up in a ball of snow".
    "In the valley of death with bated breath,
    That's where they'll sing it too."
    Where skeletons rattle in sexual battle,
    And rotting corpses screw".

    "Back to the land, Where men are men,
    Terra bellicum,
    And there I'll spend my worthy end,
    For the north is calling 'come'".
    So Dead-Eye Dick and Mexican Pete,
    Slunk out of the Rio Grande.
    Dead-Eye Dick with his buggered prick,
    And Pete with no gun in his hand.
    There once was an amorous camel,
    who was in love with the Sphinx of the Nile:
    He loved her impenetrable silence,
    He loved her mysterious style.
    But the Sphinx' posterior orifice
    Is clogged with the sands of the Nile,
    Which accounts for the hump on the Camel
    And the Sphinx' inscrutable smile.

                              Humor Digest - July 90

                             UnCategorized Clean Stuff

                                     DEC WARS
                         The Adventures of Luke Vaxhacker

         As we enter the scene, an Imperial Multiplexer is trying to kill a
    consulate ship.  Many of their signals have gotten thru, and RS232 decides
    it's time to fork off a new process before this old ship is destroyed.
    His companion, 3CPU is following him only because he appears to know where
    he is going...
         "I'm going to regret this!" cried 3CPU, as he followed RS232 into the
    buffer.  RS232 closed the pipes, made the sys call, and their process
    detached itself from the burning shell of the ship.
         The commander of the Imperial Multiplexer was quite pleased with the
    attack.  "Another process just forked, Sir.  Instructions?" asked the
    lieutenant "Hold your fire.  That last power failure must have caused a
    trap thru zero.  It's not using any cpu time, so don't waste a signal on
         "We can't seem to find the data file anywhere, Lord Vadic." "What
    about that forked process?  It could have been holding the channel open,
    and just pausing.  If any links exist, I want them removed or made
    inaccessible.  Ncheck the entire file system 'til it's found, and nice it
    -20 if you have to."
         Meanwhile, in our wandering process...  "Are you sure you can ptrace
    this thing without causing a core dump?" queried 3CPU to RS232.  "This
    thing's been stripped and I'm in no mood to try and debug it." The lone
    process finished execution, only to find our friends dumped on a lonely
    file system, with the setuid inode stored safely in RS232.  Not knowing
    what else to do, they wandered around until the Jawas grabbed them.
         Enter our hero, Luke Vaxhacker, who was out to get some replacement
    parts for his uncle.  The Jawas wanted to sell him 3CPU, but 3CPU didn't
    know how to talk directly to an 11/40 with RSTS, so Luke still needed some
    sort of interface for 3CPU to connect to.  "How about this little RS232
    unit?" asked 3CPU.  "I've dealt with him many time before, and he does an
    excellent job at keeping his bits straight." Luke was pressed for time, so
    he took 3CPU's advice and the three left before they could get swapped
         However, RS232 was not the type to stay put once you remove the
    retaining screws.  He promptly scurried off into the deserted disk space.
    "Great!" cried Luke, "Now I've got this little tin box with the only link
    to that file off floating in the free disk space.  Well, 3CPU, we better
    go find him before he gets allocated by someone else." The two set off,
    and finally traced RS232 to the home of PDP-1 Kenobe, who was busily
    trying to run an icheck on the little RS unit.  "Is this thing yours?  His
    indirect addresses are all goofed up, and the size is gargantious.  Leave
    things like this on the loose, and you'll wind up with file dumps
    everywhere.  However, I think I've got him fixed up.  It seems that he has
    a link to a data file on the Are-Em Star.  This could help the rebel
    cause." "I don't care about that," said Luke.  "I'm just trying to
    optimize my uncle's scheduler."
         Oh, forget about that.  Dec Vadic, who is responsible for your
    father's death, has probably already destroyed his farm in search of this
    little RS232.  It's time for you to leave this place, join the rebel
    cause, and become a UNIX wizard!  I know a guy by the name of Con Solo,
    who'll fly us to the rebel base at a price..."

                              Humor Digest - July 90

                             UnCategorized Clean Stuff

         Luke had grown up on an out of the way terminal cluster whose natives
    spoke only BASIC, but even he could recognize an old ASR-33.
         "It needs an EIA conversion at least," sniffed 3CPU, who was (as
    usual) trying to do several things at once.  Light flashed in Con Solo's
    eyes as he whirled to face the parallel processor.
         "I've added a few jumpers.  The Milliamp Falcon can run current loops
    around any Imperial TTY fighter.  She's fast enough for you."
         "Who's your co-pilot?" asked PDP-1 Kenobie.
         "Two Bacco, here, my Bookie."
         "Odds aren't good," said the brownish lump beside him, and then fell
    silent, or over.  Luke couldn't tell which way was up underneath all those
         Suddenly, RS232 started spacing wildly.  They turned just in time to
    see a write cycle coming down the UNIBUS toward them.  "Imperial Bus
    Signals!" shouted Con Solo.  "Let's boot this popsicle stand!  Tooie, set
    clock fast!"
         "Ok, Con," said Luke, "You said this crate was fast enough.  Get us
    out of here!"
         "Shut up kid!  Two Bacco, prepare to make the jump into system
    space!  I'll try to keep their buffers full."
         As the bookie began to compute the vectors into low core, spurious
    characters appeared around the Milliamp Falcon.  "They're firing!" shouted
    Luke "Can't you do something?"
         "Making the jump to system space takes time, kid.  One missed cycle
    and you could come down right in the middle of a pack of stack frames!"
         "Three to five we can go now," said the bookie.
         Bright chunks of position independent code flashed by the cockpit as
    the Milliamp Falcon jumped through the kernal page tables.  As the crew
    breathed a sigh of relief, the bookie started paying off bets.
    "Not bad, for an accoustically coupled network," REMarked 3CPU.  "Though
    there was a little phase jitter as we changed parity."

         The story thus far: Luke, PDP-1, and their 'droids RS232 and 3CPU
    have made good their escape from the Imperial Bus Signals with the aid of
    Con Solo and the bookie, Two Bacco.  The Milliamp Falcon hurtles onward
    through system space.  Meanwhile, on a distant page in user space...
         Princess _LPA0: was ushered into the conference room, followed
    closely by Dec Vadic.  "Governor Tarchive," she spat, "I should have
    expected to find you holding Vadic's lead.  I recognized your unique
    pattern when I was first brought aboard." She eyed the 0177545 tatooed on
    his header coldly.
         "Charming to the last," Tarchive declared menacingly.  "Vadic, have
    you retrieved any information?"
         "Her resistance to the logic probe is considerable," Vadic rasped.
    "Perhaps we would get faster results if we increased the supply
         "You've had your chance, Vadic".  Now I would like the princess to
    witness the test that will make this workstation fully operational.  Today
    we enable the -r beam option, and we've chosen the princess' $HOME of
    /usr/alderaan as the primary target."
         "No!  You can't!  /usr/alderaan is a public account, with no
    restricted permissions.  We have no backup tapes!  You can't..."
         "Then name the rebel inode!" Tarchive snapped.

                              Humor Digest - July 90

                             UnCategorized Clean Stuff

         A voice announced over a hidden speaker that they had arrived in
         "1248," she whispered, "They're on /dev/rm3.  Inode 1248." She turned
         Tarchive sighed with satisfaction.  "There, you see Lord Vadic?  She
    can be reasonable.  Proceed with the operation."
         It took several clock cycles for the words to penetrate.  "What!"
    _LPA0: gasped.
         "/dev/rm3 is not a mounted filesystem." Tarchive explained.  "We
    require a more visible subject to demonstrate the power of the RM STAR
    workstation.  We will mount an attack on /mnt/dantooine as soon as
         As the princess watched, Tarchive reached over and typed "ls" on a
    nearby terminal.  There was a brief pause, there being only one processor
    on board, and the viewscreen showed, ".: not found."
         The princess suddenly double-spaced and went off-line.

         The Milliamp Falcon hurtles on thru system space...  Con Solo
    finished checking the various control and status registers, finally
    convinced himself that they had lost the Bus Signals as they passed the
    terminator.  As he returned from the I/O page, he smelled smoke.  Solo
    wasn't concerned--the Bookie always got a little hot under the collar when
    he was losing at chess.  In fact, RS232 had just executed a particularly
    clever MOV that had blocked the Bookie's data paths.  The Bookie, who had
    been setting the odds on the game, was caught holding all the cards.  A
    little strange for a chess game...
         Across the room, Luke was too busy practicing bit-slice technique to
    notice the commotion.
         "On a word boundary, Luke," said PDP-1.  "Don't just hack at it.
    Remember, the Bytesaber is the weapon of the Red-eye Night.  It is used to
    trim offensive lines of code.  Excess handwaving won't get you anywhere.
    Listen for the Carrier."
         Luke turned back to the drone, which was humming quietly in the air
    next to him.  This time Luke's actions complemented the drone's attacks
         Con Solo, being an unimaginative hacker, was not impressed.  "Forget
    this bit-slicing stuff.  Give me a good PROM blaster any day."
         "~~j~~hhji~~," Said Kenobie, with no clear inflection.  He fell
    silent for a moment, and reasserted his control.
         "What happened?" asked Luke
         "Strange," said PDP-1.  "I felt a momentary glitch in the carrier.
    It's equalized now."
         "We're coming up on user space," called Solo from the CSR.  As they
    cruised safely thru stack frames, they emerged in the new context only to
    be bombarded by freeblocks."
         "What the..." gasped Solo.  The screen showed clearly: /usr/alderaan:
    not found "It's the right inode, but it's been cleared!  Twoie, where's
    the nearest file?"
         "3 to 5 there's one..." The Bookie started to say, but was
    interrupted by a bright flash off to the left.
         "Imperial TTY fighters!" Shouted Solo.  "A whole DZ of them!  Where
    are they coming from?"
         "Can't be far from the host system," said Kenobie.  "They all have
    direct EIA connections."

                              Humor Digest - July 90

                             UnCategorized Clean Stuff

         As Solo began to give chase, the ship lurched suddenly.  Luke noticed
    the link count was at 3 and climbing rapidly.
         "This is no regular file," murmured Kenobie.  "Look at the ODS
    directory structure ahead!  They seem to have us in a tractor beam."
         "There's no way we'll unlink in time," Said Solo.  "We're going

    You can take it from here...

         For years it has been believed that electric bulbs emitted light.
    However, recent information has proven otherwise.  Electric bulbs don't
    emit light, they suck dark.  Thus we call these bulbs dark suckers.  The
    dark sucker theory proves the existence of dark, that dark has mass
    heavier than that of light, and that dark is faster than light.
         The basis of the dark sucker theory is that electric bulbs suck
    dark.  Take for example, the dark suckers in the room where you are.
    There is much less dark right next to them than there is elsewhere.  The
    larger the dark sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark.  Dark
    suckers in a parking lot have a much greater capacity than the ones in
    this room.  As with all things, dark suckers don't last forever.  Once
    they are full of dark, they can no longer suck.  This is proven by the
    black spot on a full dark sucker.  A candle is a primitive dark sucker.  A
    new candle has a white wick.  You will notice that after the first use,
    the wick turns black, representing all of the dark which has been sucked
    into it.  If you hold a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle,
    the tip will turn black because it got in the way of the dark flowing into
    the candle.  Unfortunately, these primitive dark suckers have a very
    limited range.  There are also portable dark suckers.  The bulbs in these
    can't handle all of the dark by themselves, and must be aided by a dark
    storage unit.  When the dark storage unit is full, it must be either
    emptied or replaced before the portable dark sucker can operate again.
         Dark has mass.  When dark goes into a dark sucker, friction from this
    mass generates heat.  Thus it is not wise to touch an operating dark
    sucker.  Candles present a special problem, as the dark must travel into a
    solid wick instead of through clear glass.  This generates a great amount
    of heat, Thus it can be very dangerous to touch an operating candle.  Dark
    is also heavier than light.  If you swim just below the surface of a lake,
    you see a lot of light.  If you slowly swim deeper and deeper, you notice
    it getting slowly darker and darker.  When you reach a depth of
    approximately fifty feet, you are in total darkness.  This is because the
    heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats
    to the top.  The immense power of dark can be utilized to man's
    advantage.  We can collect the dark that has settled to the bottom of
    lakes and push it through turbines, which generates electricity and helps
    push the dark to the ocean, where it may be safely stored.  Prior to
    turbines, it was much more difficult to get the dark from the rivers and
    lakes to the ocean.  The Indians recognized this problem, and tried to
    solve it.  When on a river in a canoe travelling in the same direction as
    the flow of dark, they paddled slowly, so as not to stop the flow of dark;
    but when they travelled against the flow of dark, they paddled quickly, so
    as to help push the dark along its way.
         Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light.  If you were

                              Humor Digest - July 90

                             UnCategorized Clean Stuff

    to stand in an illuminated room in front of a closed, dark closet, then
    slowly open the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the
    closet; but since dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark
    leave the closet.
         In conclusion, I would like to say that dark suckers make all of our
    lives much easier.  So the next time you look at an electric bulb,
    remember that it is indeed a dark sucker.
         You can never surprise a woman...  You can only do something before
    she expects you to!
         Speaking of Rice Krispies, did you hear that Snap, Crackle, and Pop
    were murdered?  They're looking for a cereal killer.
         Did you hear about the cement mixer that collided with a prison
    vehicle carrying convicts?  They're looking for 7 hardened criminals.
         Then of course, you'd all heard the story of a renegade electrician
    who disrupted society by inciting swarms of evicted beggars against the
         It was all about a resistance movement to save the 'ohmless.
         (yaw gotta keep up with 'current' news!)

                              Humor Digest - July 90

                            UnCategorized Ethnic Stuff

    Q: Did you hear about the Ethiopian who fell into a pit of alligators?

    A: He ate four of them before being pulled out.
                   Morris Brown College Law School, Final Exam!

    A. Constitutional Law

         A dude commit arm robbery.  After he be arrest, the dude be hongry
    and ax the police to get him some ribs and a large R.C. Cola.  The police
    get him a baloney aamich and water instead.

    Question: Has the dude's constitutional rights been violate?

    B. Bankruptcy

         Lionel wish to open a rib place.  He barrow $100,000 from the Small
    Binness Administration.  One week later, Lionel file a bankrupt petition
    due to the economic flukuation.

    Question: Do Lionel get to keep his special order wire-wheel Eldorado?
         Well, I heard that in Detroit they are installing blacks on the
    steering wheels: you get into an accident, hit them, and the lips

                              Humor Digest - July 90

                                UnCategorized Stuff

         The following memo recently came across my desk for general
    distribution, and was provided by the IBM publications dept., P.O.Box
    12195-E02, Research Triangle Park, NC, 22709.


         Because So many users have asked for an Operating System of even
    greater capability than VM, IBM announces the 'Virtual Universe Operating

         Running under OS/VU, the individual user appears to have not merely a
    machine of their own, but an entire universe of their own, in which they
    can set up, and take down their own programs, data sets, system networks,
    planets and even solar systems.  The user need only specify the universe
    desired, and the OS/VU system generation program(IEHGOD) does the rest.
    This utility will reside in the library named 'SYS1.GODLIB'.  Optimum
    performance for this function is six days of execution and one day of
    overhead.  In conjunction with OS/VU, all system facilities will be
    replaced by one utility(IEHPROPHET) which will reside in the library names
    'SYS1.MESSIAH'.  This utility has no parms or control cards as it
    naturally knows what you want it to do when it is executed.
         Naturally the user must have attained a certain degree of
    sophistication in the data processing field if efficient utilization of
    OS/VU is to be achieved.  Frequent calls to non-resident galaxies, for
    instance, can lead to unexpected delays in task execution.  Although IBM,
    through its wholly-owned subsidiary, the United States of America, has
    embarked upon a program to upgrade the speed of light and thus reduce the
    overhead of extrasolar and metadimensional pagination, users must, at
    present, be careful to stay within the bounds of the laws of physics.  IBM
    will charge a fee for any infractions.
         OS/VU will operate upon any IBM x0xx system possessing the Extended
    WARP Option.
         Users should be aware that IBM plans to migrate all existing systems
    and hardware to OS/VU as soon as their engineers effect an one output that
    is (conceptually) error-free.  This will yield a base to develop an even
    more powerful operating system, designated 'Virtual Reality'.  OS/VR is
    planned to enable the user to migrate to totally unreal universes.  To aid
    the user in identifying the difference between a 'virtual reality' and
    'REALITY', a file consisting of a linear arrangement of multi-sensory
    total records, or successive moments of 'now' will be established, and
    reside in the data set labeled 'SYS1.est'.

    ... Government Worker
                      SIDNEY NEWS DIGEST  - Sidney UG, AUST.

         Micro was a real time operator and dedicated multi-user.  His
    broad-band protocol made it easy for him to interface with numerous
    input/output devices, even if it meant time sharing.
         One evening he arrived home just as the sun was crashing, and parked
    his Motorola 68000 in the main drive (he had missed the S100 bus that
    morning), when he noticed an elegant piece of liveware admiring the daisy
    wheels in his garden.  He thought to himself, "She looks user-friendly,

                              Humor Digest - July 90

                                UnCategorized Stuff

    I'll see if she'd like an update tonight."
         Mini was her name, and she was delightfully engineered with eyes
    like COBOL and a prime mainframe architecture that set Micro's
    peripherals networking all over the place.
         He browsed over to her casually, admiring the power of her twin,
    32-bit floating point processors, and enquired "How are you Honeywell?".
    "Yes, I am well", she responded, batting her optical fibers engagingly and
    smoothing her console over her curvi-linear functions.
         Micro settled for a straight line approximation.  "I'm stand-alone
    tonight", he said.  "How about computing a vector to my bas address, I'll
    output a byte to eat, and maybe we could offset latter on"?
         Mini ran a priority process for 2.6 milli-seconds, the transmitted
    "8K, I've been dumped myself recently, and a new page is just what I need
    to refresh my disks.  I'll park my machine cycle in your background and
    meet you inside".  She walked off, leaving Micro admiring her solenoids
    and thinking, "WOW, what a global variable, I wonder if she'll like my
         They sat down at the process table to a tub of form feed and fiche
    and chips and a bucket of baudot.  Mini was in conversational mode an
    expanded on ambiguous arguments while Micro gave occasional
    acknowledgements although, in reality he was analyzing the shortest and
    least critical path to her entry point.  He finally settled on the old
    "Would you like to see my bench-mark routine?", but Mini was again one
    step ahead.
         Suddenly she was up and stripping off her parity bits to reveal the
    full functionality of her operating system software.  "Lets' get BASIC,
    you RAM", she said.  Micro was loaded by this stage, but his hardware
    pulling module had a processor of it's own and was in danger of
    overflowing it's output buffer, a hang-up that Micro had consulted his
    analyst about.  "Core", was all he could say.
         Micro soon recovered, however, when she went down on the DEC and
    opened her device files to reveal her data set ready.  He accessed his
    fully packed root device and was just about to start pushing into her CPU
    stack when she attempted an escape sequence.
         "No, no!", she piped.  "You're not shielded!"
         "Reset, baby", he replied.  "I've been debugged".
         "But I haven't got my current loop enabled, and I can't support child
    processes", she protested.
         "Don't run away", he said, "I'll generate an interrupt".
         "No that's too error prone, and I can't abort because of my design
         Micro was locked in by this stage though, and could not be turned
    off.  But she soon stopped his thrashing by introducing a voltage spike
    into his main supply, whereupon he fell over with a head crash and went to
         "Computers!", she thought as she compiled herself, "All they ever
    think of is Hex!"
                                 Words to Live By

    186,000 miles per second isn't just a good idea, it's the law!
    A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.
    A bird in hand is better then one overhead.
    A career is a job that takes about 20 more hours a week.

                              Humor Digest - July 90

                                UnCategorized Stuff

    A closed mouth gathers no feet.
    A desk is a wastebasket with drawers.
    A diamond is just a lump of coal that made good under pressure.
    A father is a banker provided by nature.
    A friend in need is a pest indeed.
    A hangover...the wrath of grapes.
    A man's house is his hassle.
    A motion to adjourn is always in order.
    A penny saved is ridiculous.
    A pessimist complains about the noise when opportunity knocks.
    A picture is worth a thousand words; a slide show is both.
    A pleasure trip is defined as driving your mother-in-law back home.
    A word of advice - don't give it.
    After all is said and done, usually more is said then done.
    Age isn't important unless you're a cheese.
    All men are born free and equal but some get married.
    All things being equal, a fat person uses more soap than a thin person.
    Almost everything in life is easier to get into than out of.
    Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
    An authority knows lots of things you don't care about.
    An expert has a great reason for guessing wrong.
    An optimist is one who sees a light. A pessimist is one who blows it out.
    An optimist laughs to forget..a pessimist forgets to laugh.
    Any law enacted with more than fifty words contains at least one loophole.
    Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
    Anything dropped in the bathroom falls in the toilet.
    Anything that can go wrong will.
    Astronauts are out to launch.
    Atheist...a man with no invisible means of support.
    Authority tends to assign jobs to those least able to do them.
    Avoid criticism - say, do and be nothing.
    Bad luck is being run over by the welcome wagon.
    Be alert, America needs more lerts.
    Be sure the brain is engaged before putting the mouth in gear.
    Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes all the way to the bone.
    Beer bellies = great waist.
    Behind every successful man - a surprised mother-in-law.
    Behind every successful woman - herself.
    Betty Crocker uses a mix.
    Beware of dark rooms ... the room might be the morgue.
    Blame San Andreas - it's his fault.
    Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.
    Breeding rabbits is a hare raising experience.
    Build something foolproof and every fool will use it.
    Bureaucrats are the meat loaf of humanity.
    Can you remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty?
    Careful planning will never replace dumb luck.
    Careful!...you may be the only bible some people ever read.
    Carpenters are just plane folks.
    Chicken - the egg's way of making more eggs.
    Climate is what you expect. Weather is what you get.
    Clones are people two.
    Cole's law - thinly sliced cabbage.
    College is a fountain of knowledge where students come to drink.

                              Humor Digest - July 90

                                UnCategorized Stuff

    Cut to fit; beat into place.
    Cutting remarks don't cut any ice.
    Diets are for people who are thick and tired of it.
    Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way.
    Diplomacy is the art of saying "NICE DOGGIE" until you can get a rock.
    Discover all unpredictable errors before the  occur.
    Do it today, tomorrow it will be bad for your health or illegal.
    Do unto others before they undo you.
    Do you always hit the nail right on the thumb?.
    Do your knees buckle, but not your belt?.
    Does your back go out more than you do?.
    Doing nothing makes you tired 'cause you can't take a break.
    Don't ever eat yellow snow.
    Don't ever stand up to be counted or someone will steal your seat.
    Don't force it; get a larger hammer.
    Don't get discouraged...no one is perfect.
    Don't judge a book by its movie.
    Don't let school interfere with your education.
    Don't lie, steal, or cheat unnecessarily.
    Drilling for oil is boring.
    Drive carefully, death is so permanent.
    Early to bed - makes you healthy, wealthy and boring.
    Early to bed and early to rise and you'll miss a lot of fun.
    Eat yogurt and get culture.
    Even if you understood women, you'd never believe it.
    Ever just seem to not be able to get around to procrastinating?
    Ever stop to think and then forget to start again?
    Every time I lose weight, it finds me again.
    Every time you learn all the answers, they change all the questions.
    Everything coming your way? you're in the wrong lane!
    Everything goes on sale ... right after you buy it.
    Everything going good? you must have overlooked something.
    Everything hurts .. and what doesn't don't work.
    Everything takes longer than you think.
    Expenditures rise to meet income.
    Expert - anyone from out of town.
    Expert - knows tomorrow why today's prediction failed.
    Fact - red lights always last longer than green ones.
    Feel good? don't worry, you'll get over it.
    Fellow with closed mind often has open mouth.
    Flattery is the sincerest form of lying
    Forgive your enemies but never forget their names.
    Friction is a drag.
    Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
    Give a woman an inch and she'll park a car in it.
    Government always plays both ends against the taxpayer.
    Gravity brings you down.
    Great beer bellies are made, not born.
    He who hesitates is last.
    He who laughs last is probably your boss.
    He who laughs last; probably didn't get the joke.
    His brain is like a politician's speech - mostly empty.
    I wouldn't mind being poor if I had lots of money.
    If I had my life to live over again, I'd make the same mistakes sooner.

                              Humor Digest - July 90

                                UnCategorized Stuff

    If a sight is worth seeing, someone will build a highway to it.
    If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway.
    If at first you don't succeed, so much for skydiving.
    If at first you don't succeed, clutch for whatever you can get.
    If at first you don't succeed, transform your data set.
    If at first you don't succeed, you'll get lots of advice.
    If at first you don't succeed, you'll get plenty of advice how to.
    If at first you don't succeed, you're about average.
    If credit can possibly go to someone else, it will.
    If it is worth fighting for, it is worth fighting dirty for.
    If it's in stock, we have it.
    If rabbits feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit?
    If you can be Beat by one, you will be.
    If you don't know who's to blame, you are!
    If you itch for it, scratch for it.
    If you see an onion ring...answer it.
    If you think it's hard to meet new people, pick up the wrong golf ball.
    If your parents didn't have children, odds are you won't either.
    In God we trust; all others pay cash.
    It order to get a loan, you must first prove you don't need it.
    Indecision is the key to flexibility.
    Interchangeable parts ... don't.
    It takes two to make a marriage - a girl and her mother.
    It's easy to suggest the solution when you don't know the problem.
    It's hard to be humble when you are so perfect.
    It's hard to fly with eagles when you work with turkeys.
    It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
    Jealousy...all the fun you think they have.
    Keep smiling. Everyone will wonder what you're up to.
    Keep your words soft and sweet, in case you have to eat them.
    Lawyers work in their briefs.
    Leakproof seals ...do.
    Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
    Liars get caught by the tale.
    Life and liberty are safe only when congress is in recess.
    Life is full of minor and major problems; some days you get both.
    Light at the end of the tunnel? look out for that train.
    Loafer - someone trying to make two weekends meet.
    Lose weight - eat stuff you hate.
    Lose weight - put a scale in front of the 'fridge.
    Mad at your neighbor? buy his kid a drum!
    Make someone happy today - mind your own business.
    Man doesn't live by bread alone - many get by on crust.
    Many of us have an excellent aim in life, but no ammunition.
    Men have many faults, women only two, all they say & all they do.
    Money is the root of all evil, but man needs roots.
    Most pigs end up making hogs of themselves.
    Musicians are just playn' folks.
    Never hit a man with glasses...use your fist.
    Never let your studies interfere with your education.
    Never lie unless you have an awfully good memory.
    Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
    Never put off to tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
    Never slap a child in the face - there are plenty of places.

                              Humor Digest - July 90

                                UnCategorized Stuff

    Never stand between a dog and the hydrant.
    Never step in anything soft.
    Never underestimate the lack of taste of the buying public.
    Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
    Next to the dog, the wastebasket is man's best friend.
    No good deed goes unpunished.
    No job is too small to botch.
    No matter how thin you slice it, it's still baloney.
    No matter what happens, there is always someone who knew it would.
    No matter which way you ride, it's up hill and against the wind.
    No one can get ahead of you when they're kicking you in the rear.
    Nobody ever puts out a sign that says "NICE DOG".
    Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
    Nothing increases your golf score like witnesses.
    Nothing is as easy as it looks.
    Nothing stimulates the appetite like an empty billfold.
    Old doctors never die, they just lose their patients.
    Old frogs never die...but they do croak.
    One man's trash is another man's treasure.
    Only a ball player's errors are published every day.
    Only adults have trouble with child-proof bottles.
    Parents never fully appreciate teachers until it rains all weekend.
    Part-time musicians are semiconductors.
    People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glasses.
    Pilots are just plane folks.
    Politicians will always inflate when given the opportunity.
    Postmen never die, they just lose their zip.
    Practice makes perfect, but no one's perfect, so why practice?
    Pride is what we have...vanity is what others have.
    Prunes give you a run for your money.
    "Push" is the force exerted upon the door marked "PULL".
    Rubber bands have snappy endings.
    Save your money - someday it may be worth something
    Say nothing & they think your stupid..talk & they know for sure.
    Short cut... the longest distance between two points.
    Smile... things can always get worse.
    Smile... people will wonder what you've been up to.
    Some people believe anything if you whisper it.
    Some people can quit a job without leaving a vacancy.
    Somebody who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
    Stalin's grave was a communist plot.
    Success is the art of making your mistakes when nobody's looking.
    Talk is cheap unless you hire a lawyer.
    Teachers have class.
    Teamwork is vital... it gives you someone to blame.
    Tell the truth and you won't have so much to remember.
    That argument you won from your wife isn't over yet.
    The attention span of a computer is only as long as its electrical cord.
    The average woman talks 50% more than her husband listens.
    The best investment opportunities are encountered when you are broke.
    The best time to buy anything is last year.
    The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it one time.
    The lack of money is the root of all evil.
    The least experienced fisherman always catches the biggest fish.

                              Humor Digest - July 90

                                UnCategorized Stuff

    The one sitting, contributing nothing, is a supervisor.
    The only short meetings are when no one shows up.
    The rooster may crow, but the hen delivers.
    There is no such thing as being a "little pregnant".
    There's no fool like an old fool, 'cause he's experienced.
    There's no special reason; it's just government policy.
    There's nothing more frightening than ignorance in action.
    Things work better if you plug them in.
    Those who think they know it all upset those of us who do.
    Three can keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
    Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.
    To err is human - to blame it on the other party is politics.
    To err is human, to forgive is unusual.
    To err is human; to really foul things up takes a computer.
    To error is human, to blame it on someone else is more human.
    To every exception there is a rule.
    To get a loan you must prove you don't need it.
    To learn the value of a dollar - try to borrow some.
    To make a long story short, don't tell it.
    Too busy to laugh? then you are too busy.
    Too much of a good thing can be wonderful.
    Unwritten laws can not be erased.
    Use your head - it's the little things that count.
    "V.D." is nothing to clap about.
    We are the people our parents warned us against.
    We should go metric every inch of the way.
    What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away.
    When all else fails, read the instructions.
    When all is said and done more will be said then done.
    When in doubt, mumble.
    When it comes to giving, some people stop at nothing.
    When it gets to be your turn, they change the rules.
    When money talks there are few interruptions.
    When talking nonsense try not to be serious.
    When you are over the hill, you pick up speed.
    When you kill time you murder success.
    Where in the world does the guy who has everything put it?
    Where there's a will there's a relative.
    Where there's a will, there's inheritance tax.
    Why are creditor's memories better then debtors?
    Why do expenses always rise to meet income?
    Why do you always find something in the last place you look?
    Why does bread always fall butter side down?
    Why does the other lane always move faster?
    You are what you eat, so Euelle Gibbons was a nut.
    You can always find what you are not looking for.
    You can't win them all, but you can sure lose them all.
    You know you're getting old when everything dries up or leaks.
    You never "find" time, but you can always "make" it.
    You never learn anything with your mouth open.
    You win a few, you lose a lot.
    You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
    You're old when you forget how to start your rocking chair.
    You've never been as sick as just before you stop breathing.

                              Humor Digest - July 90

                                UnCategorized Stuff

                           FIFTEEN REASONS TO FLY DELTA

     1) DELTA:   We never make the same mistake three times!
     2) DELTA:   A REAL man lands where he wants to.
     3) DELTA:   Terrorists are afraid to fly with us!
     4) DELTA:   We're AMTRAK with wings.
     5) DELTA:   Join our Frequent Near-Miss Program!
     6) DELTA:   Noisy engines?  We'll turn 'em off!
     7) DELTA:   Ask about our out-of-court settlements.
     8) DELTA:   Enjoy the in-flight movie on the plane next to you.
     9) DELTA:   The kids will LOVE our inflatable slides!
    10) DELTA:   Bring a bathing suit!
    11) DELTA:   Enjoy complimentary champagne during free-fall.
    12) DELTA:   Our pilots are terminally ill and have nothing to lose.
    13) DELTA:   We might be landing on YOUR street!
    14) DELTA:   If you think it's so easy, get your own Freak'n plane!
    15) DELTA:   DELTA gets you CLOSE.
         The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where
    car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the
    fewest words possible.

     1) Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I
        don't have.
     2) The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its
     3) I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my
        head through it.
     4) I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
     5) A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
     6) A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
     7) The guy was all over the road.  I had to swerve a number of times
        before I hit him.
     8) I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in- law
        and headed over the embankment.
     9) In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
    10) I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home.  As I
        reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I
        did not see the other car.
    11) I had been driving 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an
    12) I was on my way to the doctor with rear-end trouble when my universal
        joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.
    13) As I approached the intersection a sign appeared in a place where no
        stop sign had ever appeared before.  I was unable to stop in time to
        avoid the accident.
    14) To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the
    15) My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
    16) An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
    17) I told the police that I was not injured but on removing my hat, found
        that I had a fractured skull.
    18) I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the

                              Humor Digest - July 90

                                UnCategorized Stuff

        road when I struck him.
    19) I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the
        roof of my car.
    20) The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.
    21) The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car
        with a big mouth.
    22) I was thrown from my car as it left the road.  I was later found in a
        ditch by some stray cows.
    23) The telephone pole was approaching.  I was attempting to swerve out of
        its way when it struck the front end.
                             Real Programmers Don't...

     1) Real Programmers don't write specs.  Users should consider themselves
        lucky to get any programs at all and take what they can get.
     2) Real Programmers don't comment their code.  If it was hard to write,
        it should be hard to understand.
     3) Real Programmers don't write application programs, they program right
        down to the bare metal.  Application programming is for feebs who
        can't do systems programming.
     4) Real Programmers don't eat quiche.  They eat Twinkies and Szechuan
     5) Real Programmers don't write in COBOL.  COBOL is for wimpy
        applications programmers.
     6) Real Programmers' programs never work right the first time.  But if
        you throw them on the machine they can be patched into working in
        'only a few' 30-hour debugging sessions.
     7) Real Programmers don't write in FORTRAN.  FORTRAN is for pipe-stress
        freaks and crystallography weenies.
     8) Real Programmers never work 9 to 5.  If any real programmers are
        around at 9 AM, it's because they were up all night.
     9) Real Programmers don't write in PL/I.  PL/I is for programmers who
        can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN.
    10) Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires
        you to change clothes.  Mountain climbing is OK, and Real Programmers
        wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly
        spring up in the middle of the machine room.
    11) Real Programmers don't document.  Documentation is for simps who can't
        read the listings or the object deck.
    12) Real Programmers don't write in PASCAL, or BLISS, or ADA, or any of
        those pinko computer science languages.  Strong typing is for people
        with weak memories.
         The following op-codes have just been added to all computers.  Please
    use where appropriate.


                              Humor Digest - July 90

                                UnCategorized Stuff


         Perhaps one of most interesting and colorful words in the English
    language is "fuck".  It is a magical word, which by simple voice
    inflection alone can be used to describe pain, pleasure, love and hate.
    In language, "fuck" falls into a wide variety of grammatical categories.
    It can used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive
    (Mary was fucked by John).  It can be an active verb (John really gives a
    fuck) or a passive verb (Mary is fucking interested in John), and as a
    noun (Mary is a terrific fuck).  It can be used as an adjective (Mary is
    fucking beautiful).
         You are hereby challenged.  Can you find a word even half as
    versatile as the word "fuck".  This incredible word can be used to
    describe an unbelievably wide array of situations:

    In addition to the common situations...

         Sex.............FUCK ME!  etc...

                              Humor Digest - July 90

                                UnCategorized Stuff

    Then there are exceptional uses:

         Greeting........How the fuck are you?
         Fraud...........I got fucked by the car dealer.
         Dismay..........Oh, fuck it!
         Trouble.........Damn, guess I'm fucked now.
         Aggression......Fuck you.
         Disgust.........Fuck me.
         Confusion.......What the fuck....?
         Difficulty......I don't understand this fucking business.
         Despair.........Fucked again.
         Incompetence....He fucks up everything.
         Displeasure.....What the fuck is going on here?
         Lost............Where the fuck are we?
         Disbelief.......Unfucking believable.
         Retaliation.....Up your fucking ass.

    Fuck can be used:

         In an anatomical description -- "He's a fucking Asshole."
         To tell time -- "It's five fucking thirty."
         Politically -- "Fuck Bush".
         In business -- "How the fuck did I get this fucking job?"

    And never forget General Custer's last words:
         "Where did all them fucking Indians come from?"

    Or the mayor of Hiroshima:
         "What the fuck was that?"

    And last, but not least, the immortal words of the captain of the Titanic:
         "Where is all that fucking water coming from?"

         The mind boggles at the many creative used of the word.  So remember,
    be "literate" and "educated" walk up to a girl today, smile and say, "Yo,
    bitch ...  fuck?"
                       RAYGN  by Peter A. Klein, Seattle, WA

         After recent telecasts of the "Barbara Walters Special" and "Bedtime
    For Bonzo," I dreamed of the following scenario:

    IRRITATING FEMALE VOICE: Hewo, this is Baba Wawa at the White House.  We
    wiw be tawking with Pwesident and Mrs.  Wonald Waygun, who will weveal
    incwedible personal wevawations about their pehsonawities and pehsenol

    COMMERCIAL for Investment Securities Firm

    IRRITATING FEMALE VOICE: Mistaw Pwesident, is it twoo that an
    entwepenuwial computah fihm has witten a new wangwidge named aftuh you?

    REASSURING GRANDFATHERLY VOICE: Gee...  I don't know.  Nancy, what do you

                              Humor Digest - July 90

                                UnCategorized Stuff


         Here's what Baba Wawa was talking about, taken from John Divorceact's
    column in INFOWHIRL.

    an attempt to crack more conservative markets, Boredland has introduced a
    new computer language, RAYGN.  RAYGN is an enhanced version of Orange
    County BASIC, which is in turn a highly refined version of "Hoover Trojan
    Horse BASIC" (though its authors vehemently deny this, we've seen the
         Like interpreted BASIC, RAYGN is comfortable, old and a little slow.
    It is very good at simple graphics.  It is often inaccurate.  But somehow
    RAYGN always manages to convince the user that it is his perception of the
    problem (rather than RAYGN's answer) that is actually wrong.  Ordinary
    people like RAYGN because it is simple, direct, and reminds them of less
    complicated times.  RAYGN offers many extensions to BASIC.  It features a
    new logical function, MORAL, sometimes called "Falwell's Contextual
    Boolean." MORAL(x) may evaluate to either TRUE or FALSE regardless of the
    actual value of x.  All that matters is whether x is on the left or right
    side of an expression.  A new function called KEISTER has been added, but
    nobody is sure what it does.  Fixed-point variables of types MILDOLLAR,
    BILDOLLAR and TRILDOLLAR have also been added.  These may only have
    negative values (though positive values have been promised in time for the
    next release).  When using these variable types, a function called
    COST$2MUCH may be employed.  COST$2MUCH(x) always evaluates to TRUE,
    unless the expression 4DEFENSE(x) is also true, in which case RAYGN will
    double or triple the value of x.
         RAYGN's authors believe that their style of programming and memory
    resource allocation is the ONLY true way to program.  Thus, RAYGN's
    automatic housecleaning facilities are, shall we say, a bit aggressive.
    It will eliminate any variables it believes are wasteful or unnecessary.
    It may even do this while the variables are in use!  It is then the
    responsibility of the user to trim his program or give up on it.
    According to RAYGN's developers, this encourages the writing of tight code
    Further, if RAYGN discovers any other languages or software in its
    directories, it will attempt to reorganize them according to its own
    principles.  Normally, this does not matter, because users of RAYGN are so
    devoted that they wouldn't dream of using another language, anyway.
    However, hard disk users should be careful to keep other software in
    separate directories.  This will often suffice, because RAYGN will
    normally not interfere with programs in other directories unless they are
    very small, employ annoyingly flashy graphics, or attempt to write to
    RAYGN's directories.  But certain software is incompatible with RAYGN and
    may not exist on the same disk with it.  RAYGN's authors are unalterably
    opposed to programs that make use of bitwise left shift operators.  If
    RAYGN detects even the slightest use of left shift, it will attempt to
    recode or destroy the offending program regardless of what directory it is
    in.  It does no good to have such files write-protected, because RAYGN
    will then switch to direct hardware calls (known as "covert disk
         RAYGN has some very limited "artificial intelligence" capabilities.
    It can detect syntax errors and constructions inconsistent with its

                              Humor Digest - July 90

                                UnCategorized Stuff

    developers' philosophy of programming, even before the RETURN key is
    pressed.  When such conditions occur, RAYGN will display the warning
    message, "Go ahead, make my day!" When RAYGN encounters a problem it can't
    solve, it will always default to routines in the library PRIVATSEC.TOR.
    This library has been somewhat unstable of late, so results are
    uncertain.  RAYGN may be identified by the prompt string "Well...>" If the
    right angle bracket fails to appear, RAYGN is "asleep" and not ready for
    input.  The user must press RETURN several times until the bracket
    appears.  RAYGN is highly compatible with a pointing device known as the
    "PC Meese," which is also available from RAYGN's developers.  It has been
    noted that the language responds much quicker to the Meese than to input
    from the keyboard, or any other device.

    Higher Education                       Same Difference
    Automatic Stickshift                   Environmental Protection
    Reverse Thrust                         Reverse Drive
    Lesbian nuns                           Criminal Lawyers
    Secondary Degree                       Hot Water Heater
    Airline Food                           Almost Safe
    Amtrak Schedule                        Awful Nice
    Bad Sex                                Black Light
    Business Ethics                        Clearly Confused
    Criminal Lawyer                        Debugged Program
    Faulty Logic                           Federal Assistance
    First Annual                           Freezer Burn
    Fun Run                                Functionally Illiterate
    Good Grief                             Government Worker
    Happy Birthday                         Imitation Margarine
    Jumbo Shrimp                           Justifiable Homicide
    Last Initial                           Legal Brief
    Mail Service                           Nearly Perfect
    New Standard                           Plastic Silverware
    Postal Service                         Practical Homeowner
    President Bush                         Pretty Ugly
    Rolling Stop                           Science Fiction
    Senate Ethics                          Soft Rock
    Sub Minimum                            Tax Reform
    Television Entertainment               Traffic Flow
    User Friendly                          Vice Pres. Quayle
    Wedded Bliss                           Work Party
    Liberal, Kansas                        Greater Cleveland
    New Jersey, the Garden State           Safe, economical, nuclear power!
    happily married                        Home Owner
    Jumbo Shrimp                           Responsible journalism
    Bad blow job                           Civil War
    Plastic Silverware                     New Tradition
    Good Grief                             Holy Shit
    Grandchildren                          Lifelong Native
    Planned Parenthood                     Cherry Tart
    Rush hour                              Grape nuts
    Honest Government                      Congressional Ethics
    Athletic Scholarship                   Good pun

                              Humor Digest - July 90

                                UnCategorized Stuff

    Good Driver                            Feminine Logic
    Express Mail                           Traffic Flow
    United Nations                         Exciting Golf action
    Bug-Free Software from MICROSOFT       Functioning IBM Equipment
    Fish Farm                              Even Odds
    Definite Maybe                         Constant Variable
    Old News                               Taped Live
    Open Secret                            Original Copies
    Working Vacation                       Player Coach
    Silent Scream                          Only Choice
    Extensive Briefing                     Almost Perfect
    Didn't you hear?  Easter has been cancelled.  They found the body.

         The confusion created when the mind overrides the body's basic desire
    to choke the living shit out of some asshole who desperately needs it.

                              Humor Digest - July 90

                            UnCategorized Sexual Stuff

    My name is Sgt. Friday.
    I work on Tuesday.

    Tuesday is my secretary.

    One night we went to a party.
    On our way there, we had a flat tire.
    I jacked, she pumped;
    I jacked, she pumped;

    Then she got out of the car to fix the tire.

    When we got to the party, we all felt merry.

    Mary got mad and left.
    We all jumped for Joy.
    Joy got mad and left too.

    Then a lady jumped out of the party cake.

    We all had a piece

    The cake wasn't that bad either.

    Then I dropped my keys under the couch.
    I felt, she felt;
    I felt, she felt;

    Then I looked under the couch for the keys.

    Then I took her home and we sat on the porch.

    Someone threw a rock and hit her on the tit.

    Broke three of my fingers.

    I was gonna kiss her goodnight but she
    closed her legs and broke my glasses.

    Then her dad came out and told me to beat it.

    So I did then left.
         Hear about the man who ate his son...  He didn't know his wife was
         Did you hear about the 75 year old accused of raping the 19 year old
    girl.  They had to dismiss the case, the "evidence" wouldn't stand up in
         College is like making love to a virgin.  You work really hard at it
    and then 9 months later you wish you hadn't come.

                              Humor Digest - July 90

                            UnCategorized Sexual Stuff

         Have you heard about the sex game called RODEO?
         You are making love to your wife / girlfriend and tell her that her
    sister is tighter, and HANG ON!  (8 seconds is the record so far!)
         Did you know that you could use a rubber twice...  After the first
    go-round, shake the fuck out of it and go again!
                                 IMPORTANT NOTICE
                        INCREASE TAX TO ALL MALE TAXPAYERS


         The only thing this Great State has not taxed is your peter.  Mostly
    because 98% of the time it is out of work and 2% of the time it is in the
    hole.  Also because it has two dependents, who are both nuts.
         However, beginning January 1, your peter will be taxed according to
    its size.
         Please check your personal category.  Please include this information
    on page two (2), section one (1), line zero (0), of your State Income Tax

                            10-12 inches    Luxury Tax
                            8-9   inches    Pole Tax
                            6-7   inches    Privilege Tax
                            4-5   inches    Nuisance Tax

         Any measuring under 4 inches are eligible for a refund.  Please do
    not request an extension.
    If Yugoslavia were to invade Turkey from behind...  Would Greece help?
    Dear Earthling,

         Hi!  I am a creature from outer space.  I have transformed myself
    into this piece of paper.  Right now I am having sex with your fingers.  I
    know you like it because you are smiling.  Please pass me on to someone
    else because I'm really horny.

                              Humor Digest - July 90

                                    Clean Jokes

         A weary minister returned home and explained to his wife that he had
    spent all day trying to convince people that it was the duty of the rich
    to help the poor.
         "Were you successful?" his wife asked.
         "Half successful," he answered.  "I convinced the poor."
         There was this magician who did an act for vacationers.  He had a
    parrot that was always ruining his act by blurting out in the middle of a
    trick, "AWK!  The card is up his sleeve," or "AWK!  He had the bird in his
    pocket," or "AWK!  He slipped it through a hole in the hat."
         One day the ship sank, and the magician and parrot found themselves
    together, floating along on a small raft in the middle of the ocean.  For
    three days the parrot just sat silently and stared at the magician.
    Finally, on the fourth day, the parrot said, "AWK!  Okay, I give up.  What
    did you do with the ship?"
         While gazing at dinosaur fossils in New Mexico, a tourist asked a
    guide how old the bones were.  "These happen to be one hundred million and
    three years old," said the guide.
         "How can you be so exact?" asked the tourist.
         "Oh, I just have a good memory," replied the guide.  "An
    archaeologist came here and told me these bones were a hundred million
    years old, and that was exactly three years ago."
         This man and woman are sitting in an old age home and the man says to
    the woman, "I'll betcha can't tell how old I am!" So the woman opens up
    the man's zipper, feels around at the man's privates and announces, "83"!
         The old guy is amazed and says "Hey, how did you know that?"
         The old woman replies, "You told me yesterday."
         A man checked into the hospital suffering from herpes, hepatitis,
    syphilis, and AIDS.  The doctor in charge took one look at him and sent
    for a specialist.  When the specialist arrived, he said, "this is a tough
    case, how are you treating it?"
         "We have him on pizza and pancakes," said the doctor.
         "That's unusual," replied the specialist, "how did you arrive at that
         The doctor said, "those are the only things we can slide in under the
         Just like clockwork, a doctor would leave his office to walk home at
    4:00 P.M.  every day.  Exactly at 4:15 he would come upon his local bar,
    in which he would have his favorite drink: a daiquiri with a cinnamon
    stick.  The bartender, being accustomed to the routine would have the
    doctor's drink, freshly made, at the doctor's arrival.
         One afternoon, though, to the bartenders dismay, there were no
    cinnamon sticks to be found.  In a panic he made the drink, inserting a
    hickory stick instead.  The doctor arrived at 4:15 as usual and proceeded
    to drink his pleasure.
         Suddenly he noticed that something was wrong.  Looking at the
    bartender he said, "Something wrong here.  What is it?"
         The bartender returned, "It's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."

                             Humor Digest - August 90

                                    Clean Jokes

         One day a very rich man, who was very close to his money, got
    together with his closest friends who happened to be a Priest, a Doctor,
    and a Lawyer.  The rich man was very old and was thinking about his
    approaching death.  He told his three friends this, and asked them to do a
    favor for him when he died.
         "Here are three envelopes, each contain $100,000, one for each of
    you.  I don't wish to go to the afterlife without my money.  Please, when
    I am buried, would each of you throw your envelopes into the grave on top
    of my coffin?"
         The three friends agreed, and took the envelopes.  Soon afterwards
    the rich man died.
         At his funeral, the Doctor, the Priest and the Lawyer threw their
    envelopes onto his coffin.  As they were leaving the funeral, the Priest
    said to the others, "I have a confession to make.  The church needed a new
    altar badly, so I ...  I took $5000 to buy it." and afterwards looked
    downward at his feet.
         The Doctor, seeing the Priests discomfort said, "Well, since you've
    admitted it, I too must confess that I took some money.  The children's
    hospital where I work needed a new, expensive X-ray machine, so I took
    $30,000 to buy it."The Doctor and the Priest then turned to the lawyer,
    expecting a similar confession.
         Instead, he said "Oh no, I didn't take any of the money.  I put a
    check for the entire $100,000 in the envelope!"
         An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an American become ship-wrecked on an
    island inhabited by cannibals who, after eating their victims use their
    skins to make canoes.  As a last wish the men can decide by what means
    they want to die so that their deaths will be honorable.
         The Englishman says "Give me a revolver." He puts the gun to his head
    and states "God save the Queen!" And blows his brains out; a very
    honorable death.
         The Frenchman says "Give me a sword." He places the tip of the sword
    over his heart and shouts "Vive la France!" And thrusts it into his heart;
    a very honorable death.
         The American says "Give me a fork." And proceeds to stab himself
    repeatedly while saying "Fuck your canoe!"
         There once was a painter who was very stingy.  At every opportunity
    he would add turpentine to the paint, thinning it down as much as
    possible, and thereby cutting his costs.
         One day, he was hired to paint the steeple high atop the local
    church.  He thinned down the paint severely for this job.
         "After all" he said to himself, "nobody can really see the steeple
    from way down there on the ground." So he started painting with a solution
    that barely covered the wood.
         Just as he was finishing, the sky clouded over and a gale storm began
    to blow.  The rain and wind beat against the painter and the steeple, and
    washed the paint off the steeple (it was hardly there to begin with).  The
    painter looked at the now-unpainted steeple, and cried out "What will I do
         From the clouds, a deep voice replied "Re-paint, and thin no more!"
         Hank went to the doctor greatly concerned about his wife.  Something
    was wrong with her, and he described the symptoms to the good doctor.

                             Humor Digest - August 90

                                    Clean Jokes

         The doctor said, "Hmmm, it sounds as if she either has Alzeheimers
    disease, or AIDS."
         Hank replied, "How can I tell which one she has?" What do I do?"
         "Simple", said the good doctor.  "Just drive her out in the country
    15 miles away and put her out of the car.  If she finds her way home, she
    has AIDS.
         A man walked into a stockbroker's office and said to the
    receptionist, "I just won some money in the lottery, and I want to open an
    account with your %**!&%!  company."
         Heads turned in shock at hearing the man's language.  "I'm sorry, but
    we don't allow that kind of talk here," the receptionist said.  "You'll
    have to leave."
         "I told you I want to open an account with this %**!&%!  company."
    the man insisted.
         Suddenly the manager cam out.  "What's all the swearing about?" he
         "I just won $12 million and I want to open an account with your
    %**!&%!  company," the man replied.
         "Oh, I see," said the manager.  "And these %**!&%!  people are giving
    you a hard time?"
         A beautiful young child entered a bar one evening and approached a
    man who was sitting and having a beer.
         "I am an angel, sir," said the child, "and if you'll believe in me,
    and give me twenty dollars, it will help to save the world."
         The man gave the child a sour look and replied, "Get outa here kid.
    I'm an atheist.  I don't believe in angels, and even if I did, you're not
    getting twenty bucks from me."
         The child said, "Bless you anyway sir," and moved down the bar to
    another customer.
         He looked up at the man before him and said, "I am an angel of the
    Lord.  If you have faith in me and give me twenty dollars, it will help
    save the world."
         The man turned to the child saying, "I'm an agnostic, son.  I really
    can't honestly tell you that I believe in angels, or in you.  But you look
    like a decent sort.  Here's a ten for your good works."
         As the child was leaving the bar he was approached by another man who
    told him, "My name is Jimmy Swaggert, and I don't give a shit about angels
    or the fate of the world, but if you'll show me how you did that trick
    with the agnostic, I'll give you FIFTY bucks.
         Delbert and Fletch, two industrial robots, escaped from the lab one
    night.  They decided to separate, pick up some dates and meet later.
         A few hours passed and Delbert, date-less, arrived at the meeting
    place.  He found Fletch, standing in front of a mailbox and a fire alarm.
         "Who are your two friends?" asked Delbert.
         "Forget them," he said, "The short, fat one with the big mouth, just
    stands there, and if you touch the redhead, she screams her lungs out."
         Two young hill-billies in love were necking on the porch swing.  "Say
    something soft and mushy, honey".  begged Nettie.
         "Sheeeiiittt", offered Ned.

                             Humor Digest - August 90

                                    Clean Jokes

         An Apache scout was caught in a sudden storm.  He spent the night
    with an Old Navajo farmer and his daughter.  On returning to his wigwam,
    the Apache built a fire, picked up his blanket, and signaled, "I am
    indebted for the gracious hospitality of you and your lovely daughter."
         Before the Navajo could respond, atomic scientists set off an
    experimental atomic blast in the desert.  A mushroom cloud of smoke filled
    the sky.
         When it cleared, the Apache waved his blanket and frantically
    signalled, "The bitch is lying!  I never even touched the homely little
         Joe and Bob were two very different people and had lived in the same
    valley for several years.  Despite their differences, their relationship
    was one of amiable cooperation.
         One day, to reward them for their spirit of coexistence, God decided
    to pay a visit and reward them for their spirit of brotherly love.
         God gathered the two men together and spoke to Joe, "I am very
    pleased with the cooperative spirit the both of you have demonstrated.
    Bob because being black in this day and age has proved to be a trying
    experience, I will reward you with exactly double everything I reward
    Joe.  I am now happy to grant you your 5 fondest wishes."
         Joe, after thinking it over, wished he had a 50 room mansion erected
    on top of the mountain.  Sure enough, on top of the eastern mountain,
    appeared a 50 room mansion.  At the same time, for Bob, a 100 room mansion
    exactly twice the size of Joe's mansion appeared on top of the western
         Joe was very happy and Bob was absolutely elated.  Bob informed Joe
    that they needed food and transportation.  Joe agreed and, for his 2nd and
    3rd wishes, requested God to fill the pantries with delicious wares and
    provide him with 10 different cars.  Agreeably, God filled the pantries of
    both mansions.  In the garage of Joe's mansion there appeared 10 different
    cars.  In the garage of Bob's mansion appeared 20 different cars.
         Next, Bob prompted Joe about the 4th wish, "Women...  we need women!"
    Joe, agreeing, asked God to furnish his 4th wish as 50 of the world's
    sexiest, most beautiful women.  Instantly, standing in front of the Joe's
    mansion were 50 of the sexiest, most beautiful women in the world.  At the
    same time, standing in front of Bob's mansion were 100 women, each twice
    as sexy and attractive as those given to Joe.  Both men were very happy
    and Bob danced around and exclaimed, "Go, Man!  Make more wishes!  Make
    more wishes!  Oh, Lordy...this is our lucky day!...Every time you make a
    wish, I get twice as much...Wish, Man, Wish!"
         Thinking the situation over, Joe turned to God and said, "Okay, for
    my 5th and final wish, I want you to remove ONE of my testicles!"
         Tex and Slim, 2 modern day cowboys were sitting on a fence.  Looking
    down the road, Tex noticed old Chief Wahoo, riding his horse with his
    faithful companion' Dawg' following close behind, was coming their way.
         Tex turned to Slim and said, "Let's have some fun with the old
    Chief.  I'll use my ventriloquism to have a little fun."

    As the Chief got near, the conversation started:

      TEX: Hello, Chief!  I've been discussing your relationship with your
           horse.  You know he really likes you!

                             Humor Digest - August 90

                                    Clean Jokes

    CHIEF: You crazy!  Horses don't talk!
      TEX: Sure they do!  Listen, I'll show you!  Hey, horse...what do you
           think of the old Chief?
    HORSE: (through Tex's ventriloquism):
           He's really a nice guy!  He feeds, waters and grooms me every day.
           He rides me gentle and gives me an occasional apple for a treat.
           Yep, all in all, the Chief's a really great guy!

         Well, the Chief is absolutely amazed at this.  Grabbing the moment,
    Tex continues the prank:

      TEX: Yeah, Chief.  And your old Dawg really likes you, too!
    CHIEF: You mean Dawg talk too!  What him say!
     DAWG: (through Tex's ventriloquism):
           Chief, you're an alright guy!  You feed, water and groom me every
           day.  You play with me, let me sleep at the foot of your bed, and
           treat me real good.  Yep, Chief, you're alright!

         The Chief is totally astonished.  He just can't believe his ears!
    Tex and Slim are in near hysterics, so Tex decides to continue the

      TEX: I'm surprised you never talked to them before.  We were over by
           your corral and even the sheep were talking about you!
         Judy loved cooking baked beans for her husband John.  John, being a
    very picking person, would taste them and say, "These aren't like Mom used
    to make." This went on for months, while Judy tried different baked bean
    recipes.  All John could say was, "Not like Mom used to make."
         Finally Judy got a brilliant idea.  Why not ask Mom for her recipe?
    She did.  Mom gave the recipe to her and she cooked it right up.  John
    tasted it and said, "Not yet like Mom made."
         Judy thought, that dirty rat, Mom gave me the wrong recipe to make me
    look bad in front of John.  So she looked at Mom's recipe card.  It was
    all dog-eared.  Well used.  Judy concluded that the recipe was probably
    genuine after all.  She went back and tried the recipe again.  But John
    again said, "Not like Mom used to make."
         This continued for a long time.  Judy finally decided that since John
    complains about everything else, why not at Mom's recipe?
         One day, while making the baked beans, there is an emergency with
    their Jimmy at school.  Judy rushes to the Emergency room.  After many
    hours Judy finally brings Jimmy home.  After stepping one foot into the
    door one sniff tells Judy that she had forgotten about the beans.
         Judy starts to throw the beans down the sink when she thinks, "What
    the heck do I care?  Let that idiot John of mine just eat it anyway.  He
    won't know the difference."
         So, John comes home tastes the baked beans and says, "Wow, just like
    Mom used to make!"
         This frog is outgrowing his lily pad and decides he'd like to make
    some home improvements.  But he doesn't have the money, so he decides to
    try and get a loan.
         He goes to the bank and asks to borrow money.  He takes a seat at

                             Humor Digest - August 90

                                    Clean Jokes

    loan officer Patricia Black's desk and explains his dilemma.  "I want to
    upgrade my lily pad, maybe add another wing, but I don't have the cash and
    that's why I'm here.  Can you lend me the money?"
         "Maybe yes, maybe no ...  what can you offer as collateral?"
         "Collateral?  What's that?"
         "Well, collateral," explains Ms.  Black, "is something of value you
    put up against the possibility of default."
         "Well," says the frog, "All I've got is this paperweight ...  you
    shake it up and it snows on the little village.  Cute, huh?"
         "Hmmm ...  I don't know.  I'll have to speak to my manager."
         She enters her manager's office.  "Mr.  Bitterby, I've got a frog at
    my desk who wants to borrow money for lily pad improvements.  But all he
    can offer for collateral is this glass paperweight."
         Mr.  Bitterby takes the paperweight, hefts it in his hand, looks
    straight at her and says, "It's a knick-knack, Patty Black, give the frog
    a loan."
         A Hillbilly Farmer comes in to the lawyer's office, "I want a
    DE-Vorce" he said.
         "Do you have any grounds?" asks the lawyer.
         "About 180 acres" the farmer says.
         "No, no.  You don't understand" says the lawyer.  "Do you have a
         "Yup, that's where I keep my tractor" explains the farmer.
         The lawyer, becoming rather frustrated with the farmer, but keeping
    his cools asks "Is she a nagger?"
         "No" explains the farmer,"but the last child she had was, that's why
    I want this DE- Vorce."
         It seems George Bush had an accident while skiing.  He was
    unconscious and in a coma for 2 years.  When he finally awoke he began to
         "Nurse", he cried, "How is the state of the country?"
         "Well," she replied," We are at peace, the economy is strong,
    business is doing well, and unemployment is at an all time low!"
         "That's a relief."said Bush.  "I guess Dan Quayle proved all the
    critics wrong while he was acting president.  Say," he continued, "could
    you send someone out to the store to get me a newspaper?"
         "Sure", the nurse replied," That'll be 50 yen."
         A man applying for work in a Florida lemon grove seemed rather well
    bred for such a job.  "Look, Mac," said the foreman, "have you actually
    had experience picking lemons?"
         "I certainly have," replied the applicant.  "I've been divorced four
         As Judge Hawkins's retirement neared, he got feistier, and one day he
    let a drunk really have it.  The defendant's license had been revoked
    years earlier, but he was still regularly hauled in on DWI charges.
         "Just why is it", boomed the judge from the bench, "that in the last
    12 years you have appeared in my courtroom so many times"?"
         "Hell, judge," offered the drunk with a sloppy grin, "it's not my
    fault you can't get promoted."

                             Humor Digest - August 90

                                    Clean Jokes

         "Hello there", said the vacuum cleaner salesman to the little girl
    who answered the door.  "Would you like to buy a vacuum cleaner?  Watch
    this!" Pushing his way into the house, the salesman proceeded to dump a
    pile of lint and coffee grounds out onto the shag carpet.
         "If this vacuum doesn't clean this mess right up," he boasted with a
    big smile, "why..  .I'll eat it right up."
         At this, the little girl turned and left the room.
         "Where you going, kid?", called the salesman.  "To find your mom?"
         "Nope," answered the little girl from the doorway, "I'm getting a
    plate and a spoon...  'cause we don't have any electricity!"
         A young woman was sitting on the bus cooing her baby when a drunk
    staggered aboard and down the aisle.  Stopping in front of her, he looked
    down and pronounced, "Lady, that is the ugliest baby I have ever seen."
         The woman burst into tears and there was such an outcry of sympathy
    among the other passengers that they kicked the drunk off.  But the woman
    kept on sobbing and wailing so loudly that finally the driver pulled the
    bus over to the side of the road.
         "Look, I don't know what the bum said to you,"the driver told his
    inconsolable passenger, "but to help calm you down I'm going to get you a
    cup of tea." And off he went, coming back shortly with a cup of tea from
    the corner deli.
         "Now calm down, Lady," soothed the driver, "everything is going to be
    ok.  See, I brought you a cup of nice, hot tea...  and I even got a banana
    for your pet monkey!"
         A lady goes into a grocery store to buy some of those things that
    ladies use on a monthly basis.  As fate would have it she picked up a box
    without a price on it (this is a pre UPC code joke).
         When the cashier went to ring it up he noticed there was not a
    price.  As grocery cashiers are so inclined to do, he grabbed the P.A.
    microphone and said, "Need a price on TAMPAX!" A stock boy who heard the
    garbled message thought the cashier said 'Some tacks' and promptly
    hollered back, "The kind you hammer in or the kind you push in with your
         Mr.  and Mrs.  Griswold had a young son whom they named Spoilage.
    And a fine one it was!  Except for one problem, Spoilage was addicted to
    Hostess King Dons.  He ate them for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
         By the time Spoilage was ready to enter Kindergarten, it was clear
    that he was well behind his peers in the area of intelligence.  He could
    not count or read.  He could not understand simple commands, such as
    "Please change the TV to Channel 48!" All that Spoilage could do was sit
    in the corner and drool while devouring a Hostess King Don.
         The Griswolds took Spoilage to Dr.  Grover to ask what had caused
    their son to be such a total waste.  The doctor replied, "It must be all
    of those King Dons that he eats." So the Griswolds sued the Hostess people
    for $10 million in damages.
         On the opening day of the trial, the attorney for Hostess asked the
    judge to dismiss the case on the grounds that the Griswolds had been
    warned by the product's label and thus Hostess could not be held liable.
         The Griswolds' attorney responded, "That's ridiculous!  There's no
    warning label on boxes of King Dons!"
         The Hostess attorney replied, "Oh yes there is!  It's right here

                             Humor Digest - August 90

                                    Clean Jokes

    where the ingredients are listed, 'Contains sorbic acid to retard
         In the Hoyah Park Nursing Home three old men are sitting in rockers
    on the front lawn.
         The first old gentleman turns to his companions and announces, "Ya
    know, I sure wish I could take a decent piss once in a while."
         To which, the second gentleman replies, "Oh, I got no problem with
    that, I just wish I could take a healthy shit now and again."
         The third gentleman chuckles and says, "I got you both beat.  Every
    morning around Seven A.M.  on the button, I take a healthy piss.  Then,
    later on, around Eight A.M.  on the button, I take a healthy shit."
         As the others began to get annoyed looking faces, the third gentleman
    continued; "My only problem is that I just wish I could wake up before

                             Humor Digest - August 90

                                   Ethnic Jokes

         At a football game two Texans were seated behind two nuns.  One Texan
    said to his friend, "I can't wait to get back to Dallas.  There are only
    ten Catholics there."
         His buddy replied, "I can't wait to get back to Houston.  There are
    only five Catholics there."
         Finally, one of the nuns commented, "You both should go to hell!
    There aren't any Catholics there!"
         Three men, a Russian, an American, and a Pollack were challenged to
    cross a desert, however, they could only bring one thing with them.
         The American asked the Russian what he brought.  The Russian pulled
    out an orange.  He said, "If I get thirsty, I can drink the juices, or if
    I'm hungry I can eat it."
         The Russian asked what the American brought.  The American pulled out
    a watermelon.  He said, "If I get thirsty, I can drink the juices, or if
    I'm hungry I can eat it."
         The two men them asked the Pollack what he brought.  The Pollack
    pulled out a car door.  He said, "Well, if I get hot, I can roll down the
    window and catch a breeze."
         A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for
    a living.  "Tim, you be first," she said.  "What does your mother do all
         Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
         "That's wonderful.  How about you, Amie?"
         Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a
         "Thank you, Amie," said the teacher.  "What about your father,
         Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a
         The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to
    geography.  Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell.
    Billy's father answered the door.  The teacher explained what his son had
    said and demanded an explanation.
         Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney.  How can I explain a
    thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
         Tom's dream was to marry a sweet, innocent virgin.  He'd been going
    with Judy for a few months, when he decided to test her.  As they drove
    along in the car, he unzipped his fly, turned to her, and said,"Do you
    want to see my "wee-wee"?
         She yelled, "No!  No!  Please zip up your fly."
         Instead of being annoyed, Tom was pleased.
         On the evening of their engagement to be married, he tried the same
    thing, with the same result.  Finally, on their wedding, they were alone
    in the hotel room when he unzipped his fly and said to her,"Darling, now
    you can look at what I've got here,"and proceeded to take it out.
         She looked at it and replied,"Oh,what a sweet looking wee-wee!"
         Tom said,"No darling, you don't have to call it a wee-wee now; you
    can call it a cock."
         She looked at it for a while and then said, "No, Tom, that's a
    wee-wee.  A cock is long and thick and black."

                             Humor Digest - August 90

                                   Ethnic Jokes

         An oriental fellow goes to the optometrist and the doctor gives him
    an exam and returns with the bad news.
         Doctor: "Well Mr.  Hung, I am sorry to say but you have a cataract."
         Mr.  Hung: "Oh docto, you mus be mistaken.  I no have no catarac...
    I have a rinkon continental."
         An old King was dying, but before he went, he wanted to do something
    nice for his three sons.  So he told his sons, "I will grant you any gift
    you desire."
         The first son said, "I've always wanted to fly", so the king went out
    and bought him American Airlines.
         The second son said, "I've always wanted to be in the movies", so the
    King went out and bought him Paramount Pictures.
         The third son said, "I've always wanted a Mickey Mouse outfit", so
    the King went out and bought him the U.S.  Postal Service.
         Did you hear about the new Helen Keller doll...  you wind it up and
    it walks into walls!

                             Humor Digest - August 90

                                    Gross Jokes

         Two ferocious cannibal chiefs sit licking their fingers after
         Says the first cannibal: "Your wife makes a wonderful roast!"
         Replies the second: "Thanks, I'll miss her."
         The famous stage magician had a thundering climax to his act.  He
    would fill a large bowl with shit and proceed to slurp it noisily, to the
    amazement and delight of the audience.
         One evening he had just begun the wow finish of the act when he
    stopped dead in his tracks.
         "Go ahead," murmured the stage manager.  "Eat the shit.  Eat it!"
         "Can't do it," said the magician.  "There's a hair in it!"

                             Humor Digest - August 90

                                    Other Jokes

         A guy walks into a bar and ordered a 74 drink.  The bartender thought
    to himself, I can take this guy so he gave him a 1978 whiskey.  The guy
    drinks it and spit it out yelled "This is a 1978, I said I wanted a
         The bartender then brought out a 1976 Whiskey.  The man guzzled it
    down and spit it out again and said, "This is a 1976, I wanted a 1974!" So
    finally, the bartender gave him a 1974 Whiskey and the guy was satisfied.
         Later, another dude came over to the guy and gave him a drink, the
    guy guzzled it down and spit it out and said, "This is piss!"
         And the dude said, "Yeah, can you tell me how old I am?"
         An Indian Chief and his son were riding along the trail.  The son
    says, "My father, how I get my name?"
         Chief says, "My son, when your first sister born, mid-wife squaw
    throw me out of tee-pee.  I ride through meadow.  I look in sky.  I see
    dove flying across meadow.  So I name your number one sister 'Flying
    Dove.' When your second sister born, I get thrown out of tee-pee again.  I
    ride through forest.  I see deer running through trees.  So I name your
    number two sister 'Running Deer'.
         Why you ask me this question, Two Dogs Fucking?"
         This lady walks into an ice cream parlor, and walks up to the man
    behind the counter, and says, "I'd like some chocolate ice cream, please!"
         "I'm sorry, we're all out of chocolate ice cream," he replies.
         "Ok," She says," I'll just have chocolate ice cream."
         "No, ma'am, we're all out of chocolate.", he says.
         "Well," says the lady, "then I'll have chocolate ice cream."
         The man looks at the lady, and says, "Spell 'van' as in 'vanilla'."
         The lady says, "V-A-N"
         "Good," the man says, "Now spell 'straw' as in 'strawberry'."
         "S-T-R-A-W," she says.
         "Great, now spell 'fuck' as in 'chocolate'."
         "There is no 'fuck' in chocolate!," she says.
         "That's what I've been trying to tell you!"
         This little boy likes the girl who sits in front of him in Sunday
    School, and as the teacher is asking the class questions, like all little
    boys, he showes his affection by bothering her.
         The teacher asks the first question "Who created the earth?"
         The boy took his pencil and poked the girl in the back, and she cries
    out "God!".
         Then the teacher asks: "Who is God's son?"
         The boy pokes her again, and she yells "JESUS CHRIST!".
         Then she asks another question: "What is the first thing Eve said to
         The boy stabs her with the pencil in the butt, and the girl yells "If
    you don't stop shoving that thing up my ass, I'm gonna break it off!"
         The sergeant called for a volunteer to deliver the mail.  A man in
    the back of the platoon stands up and hollers out "I'm not afraid to
    deliver the mail!"
         "You'll have to go through the desert..."
         "I'm not afraid to go through the desert!"

                             Humor Digest - August 90

                                    Other Jokes

         "You'll have to go across the mountains..."
         "I'm not afraid to go across the mountains!"
         "You'll have to go through the jungle..."
         "I'm not afraid to go through the jungle!"
         "What about the lion in the jungle?"
         "Aw, fuck the lion!  And his mother too!"
         "You'd fuck the lion's mother?!?"
         "You bet I would!"
         "Then you're a lion-mother fucker!"

                             Humor Digest - August 90

                                   Sexual Jokes

         A guy comes home from work and says to his wife, "I want to fuck."
         She replies, "Don't say it like that like.  Let's have a code.
    Whenever you want to do that say you'd like to use the washing machine,
    and I'll know what you mean."
         The next night the guy comes home from work, has dinner and says,"I
    want to use the washing machine."
         She replies, "Not tonight, I have a headache."
         The next night he comes home, has dinner and says,"I want to use the
    washing machine."
         She says,"Not tonight, I'm too tired." This goes on for some time.
         One night the guy comes home, has dinner and goes straight to bed.
         The next morning the wife asks,"Didn't you want to use the washing
    machine last night?"
         He replies,"No, it was a light load, I did it by hand."
         Scene: The finish line of the famous Venice Canal swim race.
    Newspaper reporter is interviewing Pierre, who was favored to win the
         Reporter: "Pierre, you were favored to win today's Venice Canal race
    by a 1/4 mile, this wasn't even supposed to challenge you.  Why then did
    you finish dead last, your fans are shocked."
         Pierre: "Well, at the start I was in the lead, and taking it easy,
    knowing there was no one in reach of me.  As I passed under the first
    bridge, Suzzette was standing on top of it, rubbing her hips, and looking
    very sexy.  She was calling to me, saying, "Pierre, I am yours when you
    finish the race." This started to get me excited, my swim suit was getting
         "The next bridge I passed under, the beautiful Rose was standing on
    the bridge.  She had her shirt off, and was fondling her large breasts,
    saying, "these are for you when you finish the race, Pierre." I was now
    dragging in the mud.  The other swimmers were now in sight, but I swam
         "The third bridge I passed under, the naked Bridget was standing on.
    She was rubbing her body, and calling to me, saying, "I am yours when you
    finish the race Pierre, I want you so bad.  " This was it, I was now stuck
    in the mud, all the other swimmers passed me, I was so sad to let down my
    fans.  I didn't know what to do."
         Reporter: "But Pierre, why didn't you try the backstroke?"
         Pierre: "Ah, but what about the bridges?"
         Three cheerleaders were waiting outside the men's locker room after
    the basketball game for their boyfriends to come out.  The door was
    partially open so they could see people walking by from the waist down.
         As one player walked by, the first cheerleader said, " that's not my
    boyfriend." The second cheerleader said, "that's not my boyfriend,
    either." The third cheerleader said, "he doesn't even go to this school."
         Two men were sitting in the doctor's office waiting to be seen and
    one turns to the other and asks, "why are you seeing the doctor?" He
    replies, "because I have a red ring around my dick." The first man then
    says, "what a coincidence, I have a green ring around mine." The doctor
    calls the name of the man with the red ring, and he leaves to be
    examined.  Ten minutes later, he comes out and the other man asks him how

                             Humor Digest - August 90

                                   Sexual Jokes

    much the doctor charged him.  "twenty dollars," he replies.  The doctor
    then calls in the second man, and when he is finished, he tells him that
    the bill will be $50.  "$50," he exclaimed, "but you only charged the man
    with the red ring $20." There is a lot of difference between lipstick and
    gangrene," the doctor says.
         This guy goes into a bar with his dog and sits at the bar and says
    "I'll have a gin and tonic." And his dog, Fido, pipes up and says, "I'll
    have a lite beer." Well, the bartender turns to the guy and says "Listen,
    if you're gonna have your dog sit at the bar, get outta here and take him
    across the street to Sam's -- he'll serve anybody."
         The guy gets a little upset and says, "But, Fido's a talking dog --
    You can serve him!" "Listen", says the bartender, "if you're gonna pull
    the old 'talking-dog/ventriloquist' trick, take it across the street."
         "Well", the guy says, "listen, I'll prove it to ya.  I'll go
    downstairs to the bathroom, and while I'm gone, ask my dog what he wants."
    So the guy heads to the john and when he's gone the bartender turns to the
    dog and says, "Ok, Fido, what do you want?" And the dog answers, "I said,
    I'll have a lite beer!"
         The bartender is flabbergasted and says, "Wow, I didn't realize --
    tell ya what, here's $10.  Go across to Sam's, sit at the bar, ask him for
    a lite beer, and spit it out and say you like our's better." So the dog
    takes the money and heads out across the street.
         The guy comes back from the bathroom and exclaims, "Hey, where's my
    dog?!?".  "Relax", says the bartender, "I gave him $10 and sent him over
    to Sam's as a practical joke." "I don't know if you should have done
    that", says the guy and he heads out of the bar.  As he's crossing the
    street, he see the dog screwing a nice looking female.  Taken aback, the
    owner says, "Fido, I've never seen you do that before!"
         And Fido answers, "Hey -- I've never had $10 before!"
         With the sun beginning to rise, the cabin of the jetliner was
    suddenly illuminated.  "Who turned on the fucking lights?" a male
    passenger, who had been surly since boarding, snarled at a stewardess.
    The girl had had enough of this particular character."These are the
    breakfast lights, sir," she answered with forced sweetness.  "The fucking
    lights are much dimmer, and you snored right through them."
         Did you hear about this guy who was eating a whore's pussy when he
    found a grain of corn in his mouth?  Well, he was too hot and bothered to
    let that distract him until he came up with an English pea in his mouth.
    This caused him to raise up and ask the whore, "Damn girl, have you been
    sick?" She snickered and said,"No, but the guy before you was."
         A guy is driving down a country road, enjoying fabulous scenery, when
    what does he see out in the fields???  An old farmer fucking sheep.  The
    man in the car is OUTRAGED, naturally.  He looks for the first house, so
    he can ask to use the phone.  He comes to a screeching halt in front of
    the first house he gets to and asks a little kid, who is sitting on a
    fence, "Hey kid!  Can I use your phone?  I just saw a man out in the field
    there doing terrible things, and I need to call the police and get this
    pervert thrown in jail.

    The kid says: "Tha-a-at's my da-a-a-a-a-d!"

                             Humor Digest - August 90

                                   Sexual Jokes

         A dude named Henry really hates fags.  Anyway, he moves into a new
    neighborhood and decides to go check out the bars.  As he strolls along,
    he keeps seeing signs with "We serve gays" written on them.  He's really
    pissed off by them, but decides to keep searching.  Eventually, his hard
    work pays off and he comes to bar that doesn't say anything about serving
    gays.  So, he goes inside and takes a seat at the main counter.  While the
    bartender is pouring Henry a nice, cool Bud Light, Henry says, "I'm sure
    glad that this bar doesn't have any of those d*mn signs saying that ya
    serve gays!" The bartender replies, "Oh, but we do.  It's right over there
    on the floor..." Henry gets off of the stool and bends over to look at
    it.  It reads: "Brace Yourself!"
         This guy, we will call him Bob, was at a party with some friends.  A
    very good looking woman came up and sat down next to him.  She said,"Bob,
    It's been a long time!!".  He kinda just looked at her and said,"So who
    are you?".
         "Don't you remember, you know high school, we used to play football
    together." "No,I really can't remember." "I was in auto shop with you"
    "Paul, but.." "I had a sex change" "I would have never guessed that you
    would have something like that done to yourself.  Why did you do it?"
    "Well all my life I felt as though I was a woman trapped inside of a man,
    so here I am!" "Wow, I can't believe it!  Did it hurt much?" "No, not
    really", she said "You mean that it didn't hurt when they cut your, you
    know, ...  your thing off", he asked "Nope, I was under anesthesia, I
    didn't feel a thing" "Not a thing huh.  Well, I know that it hurt when
    they carved out your pussy, that had to hurt!" "No, didn't hurt a bit.
    That gas works great, didn't hurt at all" "O.K., it had to hurt when they
    made your tits, I heard that that really hurts bad!" "No , not at all.  I
    didn't feel a thing", she replied.  Just as he was about to move on to a
    different subject, she broke in and said,"You know what really hurt?  When
    they sucked out half my brains!!"
         A lady walks into hardware store, and gets some hinges.  As she pays
    for them, the clerk asks her, "hey, do you want a screw for those hinges?"
    The lady replies, "No thanks, but I'll blow you for that toaster up
         Seems this guy was on a honeymoon with his second wife, when the
    subject of his previous marriage came up.
         His lady was curious as to why the first marriage hadn't worked out.
         "Well, I enjoyed having sex more often than my wife did, so it put a
    real strain on the relationship.  It just wasn't working out."
         "Aren't you concerned that the same thing might happen again" his
    wife asked.
         "Well, I think I have that worked out" he replied.  "If you want to
    have sex when we go to bed, reach over and pull on it once.  If you don't
    want to have sex, reach over and pull on it 65 times..."
         An old woman returned home one evening after playing bingo and found
    her husband in bed with the young cleaning girl.  The startled old man
    jumped up and his enraged wife pushed him so hard he went right out of
    their tenth story window.  At her trial, The judge asked the old lady why
    she had done this to her poor old husband.  She said...  "Well, I figured

                             Humor Digest - August 90

                                   Sexual Jokes

    if he could fuck at 85, I was sure he could also fly.
         This Cajun boy came back from his honeymoon.  His dad asked him:
    "Son, how was it?" He says "Well, Daddy, I had to kick her out." His dad
    asked "Why son?" The son says "Daddy, she said she was a virgin.  So, if
    she wasn't good enough for her family, she ain't good enough for ours."
         Two farm boys are just sitting daydreaming when a cow strolls by.
    'Man,' says the first boy, 'If that only was a woman.'
         'Man,' says the second, 'If only it was dark!
         A man sitting at a bar leaned over to the woman seated next to him
    and said "Excuse me, can I smell your pussy?" "Absolutely not!!" exclaimed
    the shocked woman.  "Oh," replied the man "then that must be your feet."
         This here Texan was out on a cattle drive for better then three
    months, nothing but other cowboys around.  He gets back into San Antonio
    and the first thing he does is runs to the nearest cat house.  He walks up
    to the desk and says "I need me a tough broad".  The madame says
    "Why?","I've been out on a cattle drive for 3 months with nothin' to fuck
    except cows'n cactus".  I see says the fat bitch at the counter.  Go up to
    room 209, "THAT'S A TOUGH BROAD!".
         On the way up, the old bushwacker stops and picks up a couple of
    bottles of beer.  He gets up to the room and there is this UGLY, stringy
    haired old whore, with flies buzzing out of her snatch.  First things
    first the cowboy thinks, "Are you a tough broad?", "Fuckin' right" the
    whore says, "I'm the toughest broad in all San Antonio, fuck that..  I'm
    the toughest broad in all Texas!!".  "Good, cuz I need me a TOUGH BROAD."
         With that, the old whore stands up and bends over, pointing her brown
    spot directly at him.  "You may be a TOUGH BROAD, but I don't wanna fuck
    ya up the ass!"
         Once there was a man walking down a street, and he saw a sign that
    said, "Whore House." So he went in....  There were two more doors, one
    said, "Over six inches," and, "Under Six." He was truthful and went
    through the, "Under Six Inches," Door.  He then saw two more doors, one
    said, "Under 30 years old," and the other said, "Over 30." He was again
    truthful and took the, "Over 30 Years Old," door.  Then there were three
    more doors, one said, "Once a night," another said, "2 or more times a
    night," and, "Never." He was yet again Painfully truthful, and took,
    "Never." He then found himself back in the street again.

    The Moral: "If You Tell The Truth, You'll Never Get Screwed."
         There's three little babies sitting around talking.  The first baby
    says "I can remember sucking at my moms breast" The second baby says
    "Well, I can remember being in my moms womb" And the third baby says
    "That's nothing!  I can remember the senior prom!!, I went with my Dad and
    came home with my Mom."
         A lady walks into a store, walks up to a stockboy and asks where are
    the batteries.
         Since she walked right by them, the boy thinks she is stupid, so he

                             Humor Digest - August 90

                                   Sexual Jokes

    walks towards the batteries, turns and motions with his finger (curling it
    like he is calling a child or dog to come to him), and says "Lady, come
    this way..."
         The lady says, "Young Man, if I could come that way, I wouldn't need
         Three truck drivers die and meet St.  Peter at the pearly gates.
    St.  Peter asks the first truck driver "Did you ever break the law?" The
    truck driver responds "Sure." St.  Peter then asks him "Did you ever
    exceed the speed limit?" The driver responds "All the time." Then St.
    Peter asks him "Did you ever cheat on your wife?", to which the truck
    driver heartily responded "Every chance I got." St.  Peter then told the
    first truck driver to select door number 3 of the three available doors.
         Then St.  Peter asks the second truck driver "Did you ever bread the
    law?", and the truck driver responds "Sometimes." "Did you ever exceed the
    speed limit?", "Every now and then." "Did you ever cheat on your wife?",
    "A couple of times." St.  Peter told truck driver number 2 to also enter
    door number 3.
         St.  Peter now asks truck driver number 3 the same questions.  "Did
    you ever break the law?", to which the truck driver says "No." He then
    asks "Did you ever exceed the speed limit?", and again the driver responds
    "No".  St.  Peter then asks "Did you ever cheat on your wife?".  The truck
    driver thought a couple of seconds and said "Well, once.  You see, I was
    in this bar in Kentucky.  I noticed they only had one woman in it for all
    of the men.  I asked the bartender why this was and he said 'Well, she's
    all we need.  She can suck a baseball bat through a garden hose.', so
    that's when I cheated on my wife".  St.  Peter then told the truck driver
    to enter door number 1.  The truck driver, in amazement, then asks
    "What??  You sent the others to door number 3??" St.  Peter calmly
    replies, "Yes, and they are going to hell.  You and I are going to
         A man from the city decided to buy himself a pig, so he took a drive
    in the country until he came across a sign reading "Pigs for sale."
    Turning into the driveway, he parked next to an old farmer standing by a
    pen full of pigs and explained what he wanted.  Agreeing to a price of a
    dollar a pound, he picked out his pig, whereupon the old man picked up the
    pig by the tail with his teeth, "Ayuh," he pronounced, setting the
    squealing pig down, "That there pig weighs 69 pounds."
         Noting his customers astonishment, the farmer explained that the
    ability to weigh pigs in this manner was a family trait passed down
    through the generations.  Skeptical, and not wanting to be taken for a
    city slicker, the man insisted on a 2nd opinion.  So the old farmer called
    his son over from the barn, and the boy in the same fashion pronounced the
    pig to weigh 69 pounds.
         Convinced, the man pulled out his wallet, but the farmer asked him to
    go up to the farmhouse and pay his wife, who would give him a receipt.
    The man was gone for a long time, and when he finally returned to the
    pigpen, it was without a receipt.  "What's the problem, son?" asked the
         "I went up there just like you said," recounted the man from the
    city, "but your wife was too busy to give me a receipt."
         "Too busy doing what?" wondered the farmer.
         "Well, sir, I'm not exactly sure," stammered the man, "but I think

                             Humor Digest - August 90

                                   Sexual Jokes

    she's weighing the mailman..."

                             Humor Digest - August 90

                           Clean Question & Answer Jokes

    Q: What do you call a guy who misses ten car payments?

    A: A pedestrian.
    Q: How can you tell if you're overweight?

    A: If you step on you're dog's tail and it dies!
    Q: Do you know what you get if you take all the oil Exxon produced in 1989
       and lay it out in a strip a mile wide?

    A: The current world situation.
    Q: What's the difference between a hematologist and a urologist?

    A: The hematologist pricks your finger.
    Q: What's The Difference Between a Woman With P.M.S.  and A Rabid Dog ?

    A: Lipstick...
    Q: Did you all here the one about a guy whose wife left him for a tractor

    A: She gave him a John Deere letter!
    Q: What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do?

    A: Stays up all night wondering whether there is a dog.
    Q: What has 72 legs and 26 teeth?

    A: The first row at a Willy Nelson concert!

                             Humor Digest - August 90

                          Ethnic Question & Answer Jokes

    Q: What do you call a liberal who's been mugged?

    A: A conservative!
    Q: How do you know when your girlfriend is too fat?

    A: When she sits on your face and you can't hear the stereo.
    Q: What do you say to a Puerto Rican in a three-piece suit?

    A: Will the defendant please rise!
    Q: What does the U.S.  Postal Service and Kinney's Shoes have in common?

    A: They both have 50,000 black loafers!
    Q: What's the description of frenzy?

    A: Blind lesbians in a fish market.
    Q: How do you get from California to Texas?

    A: Your travel East until you smell it then travel South until you step in
    Q: How do 3 Mexicans cross the Rio Grand?

    A: One swims and the other 2 cross on the scum.
    Q: How did Helen Keller burn her fingers?

    A: Reading the waffle iron.
    Q: Why are Helen Keller's fingers purple?

    A: She heard it though the grapevine...
    Q: What did Helen Keller do when she fell down the well?

    A: She screamed her hands off!
    Q: Why are women like dog shit?

    A: The older they are, the easier they are to pick up.

                             Humor Digest - August 90

                           Gross Question & Answer Jokes

    Q: How do you get a kleenex to dance?

    A: Blow a little boogie into it.
    Q: Why can't you trust a women?

    A: Anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die you can't trust!
    Q: What's grosser than gross?

    A: Getting to the bottom of a mayonnaise jar and finding a rubber.
    Q: What's the definition of a Cigar?

    A: A breath freshener for people who eat shit!

                             Humor Digest - August 90

                           Other Question & Answer Jokes

    Q: What's the difference between a brown-noser and a shithead?

    A: Depth perception!
    Q: What is the height of conceit?

    A: Screaming your name during an orgasm.
    Q: Do you know why the Easter Bunny hides eggs?

    A: So people won't know he's fucking chickens!

                             Humor Digest - August 90

                          Sexual Question & Answer Jokes

    Q: Why don't you see sheep running in Africa?
    A: Elephants use them as tampons.

    Q: Why do elephants have trunks?
    A: Sheep come with no strings attached.

    Q: What is the most prevalent female elephant disease?
    A: Toxic sheep syndrome.

    Q: What have you learned from the previous three jokes?
    A: Don't buy red sweaters.
    Q: How do you get a faggot out of a tree?

    A: Pull out your dick and yell "Suppertime!"
    Q: Why do gays hate movies about AIDS?

    A: They always get it in the end.
    Q: How do gays decide which condom to buy?

    A: They put one over a candle, then sit on it.
    Q: Why is a 25 year old faggot like a 90 year old heterosexual?

    A: For each one, sex is behind him.
    Q: How do you tell the gay Arabs?

    A: They're dancing sheik to sheik.
    Q: Why do faggots love a hamburger?

    A: Because it's hot meat between two buns.
    Q: Why do gays like Thanksgiving?

    A: They can go out and look for a gobbler.
    Q: Why was the gay sergeant court-martialed?

    A: They caught him playing with his privates.
    Q: How do you tell if a guy is gay?

    A: He has crabs in his eyebrows.
    Q: How can you tell if a guy is gay?

    A: If you ask him if he wants something to drink he gets down on his

                             Humor Digest - August 90

                          Sexual Question & Answer Jokes

    Q: What do most gays get for Christmas these days?

    A: Buried.
    Q: How do you tell a straight person from a gay person?

    A: A straight person likes to eat out.  A fag likes to brown bag it.

                             Humor Digest - August 90


    Mag the hag You dirty old bag
    You sleazy slimy slut
    Green matter grows between your toes
    And worms crawl out your butt.

    Before I'd climb your scaly legs
    and suck your festered tits I'd
    rather drink three quarts of buzzard piss
    and die of the driselling shits.
                                  The first time

    The sun was low,
    the moon was high.
    We were alone, just her and I.

    Her face was pretty,
    her eyes were blue.
    and i knew just what she wanted to do

    So with courage,
    I tried my best.
    By placing my hand upon her breast.

    Her body was slender,
    her legs were fine.
    As I slowly ran my fingers down her spine.

    I trembled at,
    the beat of her heart.
    As she slowly spread her legs apart.

    I knew she was ready,
    I didn't know how.
    For this was my first experience of milking a cow.

                             Humor Digest - August 90

                             UnCatagorized Clean Stuff


     1) Beware the lightning that lurketh in the un-discharged capacitor, lest
        it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most untechnician-like
     2) Cause thou the switch that supplieth large quantities of juice to be
        opened and thusly tagged, that thy day in this earthly vale of tears
        may be long.
     3) Prove to thyself that all circuits that radiateth and upon which thou
        worketh are grounded and thusly tagged lest they lift thee to radio
        frequency potential and cause thee to make like a radiator, too.
     4) Tarry not amongst those fools that engageth in intentional shocks, for
        they are surely non-believers and are not long for this world.
     5) Take care that thou useth the proper method when thou takes the
        measure of a high voltage circuit lest thou incinerate both thyself
        and thy meter, for verily, though thou hast no account number and can
        be easily surveyed, thy test meter doth have one and, as a
        consequence, bringeth much woe unto the supply department.
     6) Take care thou tampereth not with safety devices and interlocks, for
        this incureth the wrath of the supervisor and bringeth the fury of the
        safety inspector upon thy head and shoulders.
     7) Work thou not on energized equipment, for if thou dost, thy fellow
        workers will surely buy beers for thy widow and console her in other
     8) Service thou not equipment alone, for electrical cooking is a slothful
        process and thou might sizzle in thine own fat for hour upon a hot
        circuit before thy Maker sees fit to end thy misery.
     9) Trifle thou not with radioactive tubes and substances lest thou
        commence to glow in the dark like a lightning bug and thy wife have no
        further use for thee except thy wages.
    10) Thou shall not make unauthorized modifications to equipment, but
        causeth thou to be recorded all field changes and authorized
        modifications made by thee lest thy successor tear his hair out and go
        slowly mad in his attempt to decide what manner of creature hath made
        a nest in the wiring of such equipment.

     1) "As a matter of fact" is an expression that precedes many an
        expression that isn't.
     2) But officer, I was only trying to gain enough speed so I could coast
        to the nearest gas station.
     3) I don't think they could put him on a mental hospital.  On the other
        hand, if he were already in, I don't think they would let him out.
     4) Lord, please let me find a one-armed economist so we won't always hear
        "on the other hand..."
     5) The student in question is performing minimally for his peer group and
        is an emerging underachiever!
     6) $100 placed at 7% interest compounded quarterly for 200 years will
        increase to more than $100,000,000 - by which time it will be worth
    (a) Completion of any task within the allocated time and budget does not
        bring credit upon the performance personnel-- it merely proves that

                             Humor Digest - August 90

                             UnCatagorized Clean Stuff

        the task was easier than expected.
    (b) Failure to complete any task within the allocated time and budget
        proves that the task was more difficult than expected and requires
        promotion for those in charge.
     7) Cost consciousness and sophisticated design are basically
     8) The less management demands of engineers and scientists, the greater
        their productivity.
     9) TRC eht edisni deppart ma I !pleH
    10) 7:30, Channel 7: Bewitched.  Tabatha gets carsick and turns Darin into
        a plastic bag.
        8:00, The Bionic Dog.  The Bionic Dog gets a horrible short-circuit
        and violates the Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus.
        9:00, Channel 5; I Dream of Jeannie.  Jeannie and Major Nelson
        discover new things to do with Jeannie's bottle.
    11) A "critic" is a person who creates nothing and thereby feels qualified
        to judge the work of creative people.  There is logic in this; he is
        unbiased-- he hates all creative people equally.
    12) A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.
    13) A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree.
        Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place on a scientific
        game.  The player should estimate the distance the ball would have
        travelled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there,
        preferably atop a nice firm tuft of grass.
    14) A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed on
        the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled onto
        the rough.  Such veering right or left frequently results from
        friction between the face of the club and the cover of the ball and
        the player should not be penalized for the erratic behavior of the
        ball resulting from such uncontrollable physical phenomena.
    15) A bathroom hook will be loaded to capacity immediately upon becoming
        available.  This also applies to freeways, closets, playgrounds,
        downtown hotels, taxis, parking lots, wallets, purses, pockets, and so
        on.  The list is endless.
    16) A bird in the hand is safer than two overhead.
    17) A camel is a horse planned by committee.
    18) A characteristic of the normal child is he doesn't act that way very
    19) A carelessly planned project takes three times longer than expected; a
        carefully planned project will only take twice as long.
    20) A clean limerick is a contradiction in terms.
    21) A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain.
    22) A committee is a thing which takes a week to do what one good man can
        do in an hour.
    23) A company is known by the people it keeps.
    24) A compromise is the art of dividing the cake in such a way that each
        one thinks he is getting the biggest piece.
    25) A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.
    26) A cynic is a person searching for an honest man, with a stolen
    27) A cynic is man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a
    28) A dress that zips up the back will bring a husband and wife together.
    29) A fake fortune teller can be tolerated, but an authentic soothsayer

                             Humor Digest - August 90

                             UnCatagorized Clean Stuff

        should be shot on sight.  Cassandra did not get half the kicking
        around that she deserved.
    30) A foot is a device for finding furniture in the dark.
    31) A friend of mine stopped smoking, drinking, overeating, and chasing
        women all at the same time.  It was a lovely funeral.
    32) A good name will wear out; a bad one may be turned; a nickname lasts
    33) A guy has to get fresh once in a while so the girl doesn't lose her
    34) A king's castle is his home.
    35) A lie in time saves nine.
    36) A little help at the right time is better than a lot of help at the
        wrong time.
    37) A little ignorance can go a long way.
    38) A man begins cutting his wisdom teeth the first time he bites off more
        than he can chew.
    39) A man said to the universe, "Sir, I exist." "However," replied the
        universe, "the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation."
    40) A man should be greater than some of his parts.
    41) A man with one watch knows what time it is; a man with two watches is
        never sure.
    42) A man without religion is like a fish without a bicycle.
    43) A meeting is a place where people get together to talk about what they
        should be doing.
    44) A memorandum is written not to inform the reader but to protect the
    45) A motion to adjourn is always in order.
    46) A new broom sweeps clean, but the old brush knows the corners.
    47) A nickname is the heaviest stone the devil can throw at a man.
    48) A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.
    49) A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
    50) A perpetual holiday is a good working definition of hell.
    51) A person who can't lead and won't follow makes a dandy roadblock.
    52) A phenomenon known to anyone who has ever lit fires: You can throw a
        burnt match out the window of your car and start a forest fire while
        you can use two boxes of matches and a whole edition of the Sunday
        paper without being able to start a fire under the dry logs in your
    53) A piece of electronic equipment is housed is a beautifully designed
        cabinet, and at the side or on top is a little box containing the
        components which the designer forgot to make room for.
    54) A pipe give a wise man time to think and a fool something to stick in
        his mouth.
    55) A plucked goose doesn't lay golden eggs.
    56) A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits.
    57) A politician will always tip off his true belief by stating the
        opposite at the beginning of the sentence.  For maximum comprehension,
        so not start listening until the first clause is concluded.  Begin
        instead at the word "but" which begins the second, or active, clause.
        This is the way to tell a liberal from a conservative--before they
        tell you.  Thus: "I have always believed in a strong national defense,
        second to none, but..." (a liberal, about to propose a $20 billion
        defense cut).
    58) A pretty woman is a welcome guest.

                             Humor Digest - August 90

                             UnCatagorized Clean Stuff

    59) A professor's enthusiasm for teaching the introductory course varies
        inversely with his likelihood of having to do it.
    60) A proverb is a short sentence based on long experience.
    61) A quick response is worth a thousand logical responses.
    62) A real friend is a person who, when you've made a fool of yourself,
        lets you forget it.
    63) A realist lets circumstances decide which end of the telescope to look
         Last year I got my wife a gift that left her speechless.  In fact,
    she didn't speak to me for three weeks.
         Sign on a well-established laundry and dry-cleaning store:
    "Thirty-eight years on the same spot."
         Stealth bomber technology is trickling down to the average person.
    Soon you'll be able to buy a car that can come home late, undetected.
         We just moved into a new house, and I have a big problem.  I can't
    find the box marked "Kids".
         An adult is someone who has stopped growing at the ends but not in
    the middle.
         I have a kid in college who thinks he's being independent when he
    buys his own 25-cent stamp so he can write home for money.
         I'm beginning to think my kids are getting a little too comfortable
    with today's electronic gadgets.  Yesterday my son tried to use the remote
    control from the VCR to change my mind.
         I'm proud of how many kids I've managed to put through college.  We
    have my dentist's kids, my doctor's kids, and of course my lawyer's kids.
         I don't know what to think.  I taught my kid everything I know and he
    still acts stupid.
         Don't drink and drive.  And with all the oil spills that have
    occurred lately, don't swim and smoke.
         My favorite football team got off to a bad start, and it never got
    any better.  When the players finally won their first game and carried the
    coach off the field, they fumbled him.
         I was a 97-pound weakling, and bullies would always kick sand in my
    face.  Eventually I decided to get even.  I kicked sand in the face of an
    87-pound weakling.
         Did you hear that the Vice President got some good news and some bad
    news the other day?  Seems a national magazine rated his overall
    performance in office and he got all C's and D's...  The good news is that
    that's better than he ever did in college!
         Did you hear that the off-broadway production of Annie II folded?

                             Humor Digest - August 90

                             UnCatagorized Clean Stuff

    Seems it got so bad, they had to eat the dog!
         Seems they're making a movie about Jim and Tammy Baker...  Bernadette
    Peters is going to play the lovely Tammy Fae.  The movie is scheduled to
    start filming two months from now, so that means that Bernadette will
    start going into makeup next week!
         And then there were the two missionaries, sitting in the pot of hot
    water - one despairing, "We didn't even reach them, and all our work" but
    the other said, "No, we did some good - look, they are saying Grace"!
         I just bought myself some second-hand paint...  came in the shape of
    a house.
         My dear departed uncle was a circus clown before he died...  I
    remember all his friends came to the funeral in one car.
         There's a new painkiller for masochists that has been developed by a
    major pharmaceutical company.  It promises to bring SLOW relief.
    Did you hear about the cannibal that passed his brother in the forest?
    After the Lepers Mother passed away, he just seemed to fall apart...
         Of course Polish International Airlines is famous for their Warsaw to
    New York route.  They make five stops.  Two for fuel and three to ask
         Donald Trump reports that he actually has a dime for every time he's
    been called a ruthless bloodsucking bastard.

                             Humor Digest - August 90

                             UnCatagorized Other Stuff


         Not long ago, there was a tragic accident.  A little boy was playing
    with a cigarette lighter, and touched off a fire which as it destroyed the
    home claimed the lives of his brother and sister.  He had evidently found
    it concealed in his mother's purse, near her hidden supply of cigarettes,
    commonly found near lighters and matches.
         This is a direct result of the lax attitude taken by our state and
    federal government toward the safety of the public.  The practically
    unrestricted commerce in matches and even the compact, easily concealed
    high-capacity "semi-automated" (as the President puts it) butane lighters,
    has been statistically proven responsible for thousands upon thousands of
    deaths yearly.  In fact, such lighters are preferred by most arsonists!
         Sit outside your local "smoke shop" and look at the sort of people
    who go inside.  These are the addicts, and the anarchists, who feel some
    perverse need to posses matches or lighters.  Some will claim that they
    need the matches to light stoves; yet the professionals who handle fire
    for a living regularly point to a lack of training on the part of these
    "individualists" who would take cooking into their own hands ("There's
    never a burger stand around when you need one," they argue)!
         No figures are available, but it is common knowledge among law
    enforcement that lighters are taken from the vast majority of criminals at
    time of arrest, as proven by police reports!  And even in prison, lighters
    are commonly available, smuggled in from outside or even supplied by
    guards and wardens!  We took our hidden cameras into one of these
    Merchants of Death; inside we found rack after rack of easily concealable
    lighters being offered by dozens of manufacturers, including
    "military-style" lighters, colored black, green, or even camouflage!
         Surely nobody would claim any legitimate purpose for such devices,
    which only have one true purpose-ARSON!  Also popular are "Saturday
    Afternoon Specials," cheap, foreign copies of quality American lighters
    (as carried by our police and armed forces).  Would-be war heroes bolster
    their machismo with these look-alikes of lighters glorified in movies and
    cop shows on TV, made mostly of plastic, as are the terrorist lighters
    which are virtually undetectable by airport security devices.  [NOTE TO
    EDITORS: CAREFUL with this last reference--the Washington, DC Police
    Department is now using these plastic lighters.  When referring to DCPD,
    use the phrase "High-tech police lighters"] These semi-automated "assault
    lighters", with their capacity to start dozens of fires as fast as the
    flint can be struck, have become a form of status symbol among "freebase"
    drug users, who prefer the massive firepower these terrible devices
         We have even heard rumors of finely tuned ".45 Caliber Match" and
    "National Match" items; we have been unable to find out any more of such
    items, but these are obviously even more deadly than "sporting" matches!
         While purchase of these deadly weapons is often restricted by local
    law to persons over a certain age, there is no federal law to do so; one
    state may have a stringent law while its neighboring state has no controls
    whatsoever, making unlawful importation from one state to another a
    serious problem.  What is needed is a Federal law, to keep these devices
    from felons or the mentally ill, and, of course, a Federal registration
    program to identify repeat offenders (those who claim that such offenders
    will bypass the laws and buy fire on the black market are to be laughed

                             Humor Digest - August 90

                             UnCatagorized Other Stuff

    out of the studio as being obviously unfamiliar with the real world)!
         We at Fire Control, Inc., are aware that the Lighter Lobby is a
    powerful bloc in Washington, as evidenced by the federal grants and
    subsidies given to the producers of these infernal devices and their
    associates, the tobacco pushers.  Nonetheless, we seek tighter
    restrictions on ownership, manufacture, and transfer of matches and
    lighters.  After all, what sort of person really needs such implements (no
    matter the claims of so-called "sportsmen")?  Nice guys who have lighters
    aren't nice guys!  Those who claim some "right" to own fire point to the
    fact that the Founding Fathers, themselves, used open flame; however,
    James Madison never had a Scripto!  We are not after legitimate fire,
    started by steel, flint, and tinder (as the Founding Fathers used), but
    the terrible toll exacted by semi-automated "assault" lighters must be
                       For those who are Doing The Planning!

             The Creation: -- In the beginning there was the PLAN!  --

         And then came the Assumptions And the Assumptions were without Form
    And the Plan was COMPLETELY without substance
         And the darkness was upon the faces of the Privates And they spake
    unto their Chief Warrant Officers, Saying: "It is a CROCK of SHIT, And It
         And the Chief Warrant Officers went unto their Divisional Officers,
    And Sayeth: "It is a pail of DUNG, and None may abide the Odor Thereof!"
         And the Divisional Officers went unto their Second in Command, and
    Sayeth unto Him: "It is a container of excrement, and it is very STRONG!"
         And the Second in Command went unto His Commanding Officer, and
    Sayeth unto Him: "It is a vessel of Fertilizer, and none may abide its
         And the Commanding Officer went unto His General, And Sayeth: "It
    contains that which aids Plant Growth, and it is very strong" And the
    General went unto the Chief of Defense Staff and Sayeth: "It Promoteth
    Growth, and it is very Powerful"
         And the Chief of Defense Staff went unto the Deputy Minister, And
    Sayeth Unto Him: "This Powerful New Plan will Actively Promote the Growth
    and Efficiency of the Department, and this area in Particular"
         And the Deputy Minister looked upon the Plan, And Saw the it was
    GOOD, And the Plan Became POLICY
         So you want the day off.  Let's look at what you are asking for.

         There are 365 days per year available for work.  There are 52 weeks
    per year in which you already have two days off per week, leaving 261 days
    available for work.
         Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up
    170 days, leaving only 91 days available.  You spend 30 minutes each day
    on coffee break that accounts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days
         With a one hour lunch period each day, you have used up another 46
    days, leaving only 22 days available for work.  You normally spend 2 days
    per year on sick leave.  This leaves you only 20 days available for work.
         We are off for 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is

                             Humor Digest - August 90

                             UnCatagorized Other Stuff

    down to 15 days.  We generously give you 14 days vacation per year which
    leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be damned if you're going to
    take that day off!
         I just figured out why I feel tired all of the time...  I'm doing
    more than my share of the world's work.
         As I see it the population of the country is 160 million, but there
    are 62 million over 60 years of age.  That leaves 98 million to do the
    work.  People under 21 years of age total 54 million which leaves 44
    million to do the work.
         Then there are 21 million who are employed by the government and that
    leaves 23 million to do the work.  Ten million are in the Armed Forces.
    That leaves 13 million to do the work.  Now deduct 12,800,000, the number
    in state and city offices and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.  There
    are 126,000 in hospitals insane asylums, and so forth, and that leaves
    74,000 people to do the work.
         But 62,000 of these refuse to work, so that leaves 12,000 to do the
    work.  Now it may interest you to know that there are 11,998 people in
    jail, so that just leaves TWO people to all the work and that's YOU and ME
    and I'm getting tired of doing everything myself!
                          New Assembly Language Commands

    MNEM    CODE

    AAC    Alter All Commands
    AACM   Add And Change Mode
    AADA   Alter All Data
    AAOF   Add And Overflow
    AARN   Alter At Random
    ABCK   Add BackwarDs
    ABRN   Add Beyond Range
    ACCK   Advance CPU Clock
    ACQT   Advance Clock to Quitting Time
    ADB    Another Damn Bug [UNIX]
    AEER   Absolve Engineering Errors
    ADFF   Add Fudge Factor
    AFHB   Align Fullword on Halfword Boundary
    ABFP   Abnormalized Floating Point Mode
    AFVC   Add Finagle's Variable Constant [1]
    ADGB   Add GarBage
    ADIP   Add ImProper
    ATIB   Attack Innocent Bystander
    ADMM   Add Mayo and Mustard
    ANFSCD And Now For Something Completely Different
    ANOI   Annoy Operator Immediate
    ALRL   Alter ReaLity
    ADRN   Add and Reset to Non-zero
    ADRZ   Add and Reset to Zero
    ADSD   Add SiDeways
    ACTR   Accumulate TRivia
    ARWP   ARgue With Programmer
    AWTT   Assemble With TinkerToys

                             Humor Digest - August 90

                             UnCatagorized Other Stuff

    [1]    The constant that must be added to make your data support your
                                  by Gwen Barnes

     1) Vaporware doesn't use up all your harddrive space.
     2) Vaporware loads and runs much faster than real software.
     3) Vaporware doesn't need docs.
     4) The price is right.
     5) Vaporware never crashes.
     6) Vaporware is never copy protected.
     7) Vaporware never has viruses.
     8) You can download vaporware without running up a huge phone bill.
     9) Vaporware never gets corrupted by line noise during downloads.
    10) Vaporware tech support never puts you on hold.
    11) Vaporware never comes on 18 floppies in a 10 pound box.
    12) Vaporware never conflicts with your other applications.
    13) Vaporware is much easier to write than real software.
    14) Vaporware is always network-ready.
    15) You never need to buy a site license for vaporware.
    16) Vaporware is always DesqView aware.
    17) You never need to buy more RAM to run vaporware.
    18) Vaporware has versions which support Windows and OS/2.
    19) Vaporware authors never get sued for "look and feel."
    20) Vaporware runs perfectly on your existing hardware.
    21) Vaporware still runs perfectly when you upgrade your hardware.
    22) Vaporware always does exactly what you need it to do.
    23) Vaporware never attacks another program's data files.
    24) Vaporware never tells you to press the key.
    25) No-one can dispute your performance benchmarks for vaporware.
    26) Vaporware always supports YOUR video adaptor.
    27) Wherever you go, you can always run vaporware.
    28) You always have the latest version of vaporware.
    29) No matter how old it is, vaporware never becomes obsolete.
    To the Editor:

    I'm writing this letter,
    Quite frankly, to say
    I abhorred the column
    You wrote yesterday!

    It was weak and insipid
    And words synonymous--
    In short, it lacked courage!
    Yours truly, Anonymous.
                                Attention: New Rule

         In the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the restroom
    under informal guidelines.  Effective May 1,1990 a Restroom Trip Policy
    (RTP) will be instituted to provide a consistent method of accounting for
    each employee's restroom time thus ensuring equal treatment of all

                             Humor Digest - August 90

                             UnCatagorized Other Stuff

         Under this policy a "RESTROOM TRIP BANK" will be established for each
    employee.  The first day of the month employees will be given a rest room
    trip credit of 20 RTs.  Restroom Trip Credits may be accumulated from
    month to month.
         Within two weeks the entrance to all restrooms will be equipped with
    personnel identification stations and computer linked VOICE PRINT
    RECOGNITION devices.  Before the end of April 1990, each employee must
    provide two copies of voice prints (one normal, one under bladder and /or
    GI distress) to Data Automation.  The voice print recognition stations
    will be operational, but not restrictive for the month of May.  Employees
    should acquaint themselves with the stations during this time.  The policy
    will go into effect June 1.
         If you anticipate taking more than three minutes in the restroom,
    employees must seek the most convenient clock-in and clock out terminal in
    order to follow the appropriate procedure, i.e.,clock in use the restroom,
    clock out and then return to work.
         If an employee's Restroom Trip Bank balance reaches zero,the doors to
    the restrooms will not unlock for the employee's voice until the first of
    the next month.  Under exceptional circumstances and within reasonable
    employees may with consent of another employee borrow Restroom Trip
         In addition employees are advised that all restroom stalls will be
    equipped with timed paper roll retractors.  If the stall is occupied for
    more than three minutes, a warning indicator alarm will sound.  Thirty
    seconds after the alarm sounds, the roll of paper in the stall will
    retract, the toilet will flush and the stall door will open.  If the stall
    remains occupied, the occupant's picture will be taken.  The pictures of
    such perpetrators will be posted on the Bulletin board.  This is being
    done to eliminate Dilly-Dallying in the restrooms.  Any employee's picture
    appearing on the bulletin board more than three times will result in
    immediate termination of the employee's employment without benefit of
         If you any questions relative to the RTP please ask your superior.
    Remember May 1 1990 is RTP day.Thank You

    From:  CEO
    To:    All Personnel
    Subj:  Special High Intensity Training

    In order to assure that we continue to produce the highest QUALITY WORK
    possible, it will be our policy to keep all employee's well trained
    through our program of Special High Intensity Training ( S.H.I.T.  ).  We
    are giving our employees more S.H.I.T.  than any other organization in

    If you feel you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T.  on the job, please
    see your supervisor.  You will be placed on top of the S.H.I.T.  list for
    special attention.  All of our supervisors are particularly qualified to
    see that you get all the S.H.I.T.  you can handle at your own speed.

    If you consider yourself to be trained enough already, you may be

                             Humor Digest - August 90

                             UnCatagorized Other Stuff

    interested in helping us to train others.  We can add you to our Basic
    Understanding Lecture List, Special High Intensity Training
    (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.  ).

    If you have further questions, please address them to our Head of
    Training, Special High Intensity Training ( H.O.T.S.H.I.T.  ).

                                     Boss In General
                                     Special High Intensity Training
                                     ( B.I.G.S.H.I.T. )

    Copy to: Director of Intensity Programming, Special High Intensity
    Training ( D.I.P.S.H.I.T.  )
            Here are a couple of pretty good-but-old telephone pranks:

         Call a bowling alley and ask whoever answers if they have 12 pound
    balls.  When they say yes (and they will), ask them how they got to the
    phone so fast.

         Call someone and say you're from the telephone company and that
    workers will be testing the line for the next 2 hours and warn them if
    they get a phone call not to answer because it will send 2000 volts of
    electricity to whoever calls you.  Then wait 20 minutes and call them back
    and when they answer you say "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

                             Humor Digest - August 90

                            UnCatagorized Sexual Stuff

          The official list of types of pussy found throughout the land.

    1) Expensive pussy: Most pussy falls into this definition.  Expensive
       pussy can be recognized by the following - fur coats, $500 dresses,
       spandex, bright colored shorts, and shirts with greek letters on them.
       98% of the pussy found on the USC campus falls into this category.

          Advantages: If you can afford it, it will be great.
       Disadvantages: Many, mostly in the form of checking account
                      Often not worth it.

    2) Cheap pussy: Very rare.  Usually comes in the form of a girlfriend of
       yours who will not go away no matter what you do.  Cheap pussy can be
       recognized by the following - she will often pay for dinner,
       understands when you are broke, calls every day, wants it constantly,
       easily hurt, but shakes it off.

          Advantages: Inexpensive, guaranteed, loving, will try anything once
                        and sometimes twice.  You're lucky if you find this.
       Disadvantages: Won't go away, possessive, bugs you all the time, can
                        keep you from the tasks of finding other pussy, will
                        eventually want to get married and/or have children
                        soon thus ruining it.
                      Often not worth it.

    3) Hired pussy: Found in the Hollywood area of Southern Cal and in every
       other large city in the US and abroad.  Recognized by scanty clothes
       and come-hither looks.  Expense varies greatly with the quality.  The
       difference between Hired pussy and Expensive pussy is that the money
       is up-front.

          Advantages: You don't have to stick around, won't tell your
                        girlfriend, doesn't care who you are or what you look
                        like, often very experienced, usually cheaper than
                        Expensive pussy.
       Disadvantages: More expensive than Cheap pussy in the long run, risk
                        of disease is high, is illegal in most areas and the
                        risk of jail time is high.
                      Often not worth it.

    4) Virgin pussy: This type is getting rarer each day.  Recognized by
       conservative clothes, good manners, and a marked distaste for dirty
       jokes and porno movies.  Can be very loving if you promise marriage,
       but will cause you more problems as you go along.  Frustration level
       is high as Virgin pussy tends to want to stay that way for some
       unknown reason.

          Advantages: Risk of disease is very low, will offer a very tight
                        "fit" if it gives in, sometimes open to new
                        experience, will often offer "other" services if
                        Virginity is to be maintained.
       Disadvantages: Usually will not give in until marriage, will cause

                             Humor Digest - August 90

                            UnCatagorized Sexual Stuff

                        discomfort upon use, not very imaginative, not
                        usually into using birth control which can cause
                        "accidents", can only be used once.
                      Usually not worth it unless you're into that sort of

    5) Nympho pussy: Very rare.  Recognized by the tendency to drag you by
       your balls into bed and going at it to the point of exhaustion.  Very
       experienced, will teach you things you never knew.  Expense varies
       depending on level of Nymphomania.

          Advantages: Will send you into la-la land, will try anything once.
       Disadvantages: You are probably not the only one, thus disease risk
                       can be high, will tire you out and ask for more, can
                       be unstable, will not give a steady relationship.
                      Often not worth it.

    6) Frigid pussy: Less rare.  See (4) for recognition.  Difference is
       that this pussy will not yield no matter what.  Any expense involved
       is simply wasted (unless you are into real frustration).

          Advantages: There are no advantages.
       Disadvantages: Too many to list here.  Best to stay away once
                      Never worth it.

    7) Innocent Nympho pussy: Rare.  Recognized by being in a small, sweet,
       innocent package which you would never in a million years think would
       give in, but when it does, you are in for a hell of a surprise.  Often
       mistaken for (4).  Expense varies, but usually falls into the cheaper

          Advantages: The surprise is blissful.  Always worth it.  Keep it if
                        you can.
       Disadvantages: If (4) is mistaken for (7), serious consequences may
                        result.  May or may not be faithful.

    8) Party pussy: Found at bars and at parties.  Recognized by glass of
       wine in hand and bloodshot eyes.  Will engage in group festivities
       while completely ripped.  Expense usually covers drinks.  Make sure
       you are not ripped as to better enjoy the experience.

          Advantages: Easy to obtain unless you are real unlucky.  Be sure to
                        say the right things.
       Disadvantages: Disease risk is high, will not usually remain faithful,
                        the Support System may tend to puke all over you.
                      Often not worth it.

    9) Nutsy pussy: Support System has psychological problems.  Recognized
       by the fact that she will go out with you, then spill her problems on
       you.  May tend to kill you while you sleep.  Gives in for no apparent
       reason.  Usually found as a quiet co-worker.

          Advantages: Easy.

                             Humor Digest - August 90

                            UnCatagorized Sexual Stuff

       Disadvantages: Never really worth it.
                                MURPHYS LAWS ON SEX

     1) The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to
        leave her with no hard feelings.
     2) Nothing improves with age.
     3) No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it,
        because it'll never be quite the same again.
     4) Sex has no calories.
     5) Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of
     6) There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
     7) Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've
     8) No sex with anyone in the same office.
     9) Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get
        or how long it is going to last.
    10) A man in the house is worth two in the street.
    11) If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
    12) Virginity can be cured.
    13) When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops
        listening to him.
    14) Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
    15) The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same
        ones she can't stand years later.
    16) Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
    17) It is always the wrong time of month.
    18) The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
    19) When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
    20) Sex is hereditary.  If your parents never had it, chances are you
        won't either.
    21) Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray for crop
    22) The younger the better.
    23) The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
    24) It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that
        caused the trouble in the garden.
    25) Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
    27) Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of
    28) There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than
        sex.  But there is nothing exactly like it.
    29) Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.
    30) Love is a hole in the heart.
    31) If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into
        our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the
    32) Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
    33) Do it only with the best.
    34) Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter
        words to convey its full meaning.
    35) One good turn gets most of the blankets.
    36) You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.

                             Humor Digest - August 90

                            UnCatagorized Sexual Stuff

    37) Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
    38) It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
    39) Thou shalt not commit adultery... unless in the mood.
    40) Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
    41) Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
    42) Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested.
    43) A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he
    44) What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the
    45) It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
    46) Never say no.
    47) A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
    48) Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.
    49) Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
    50) Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.
    51) A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
    52) Love comes in spurts.
    53) The world does not revolve on an axis.
    54) Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are
    55) Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
    56) Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
    57) There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in
    58) Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
    59) Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
    60) "This won't hurt, I promise."
                             A Few Words About Breasts

         Breasts.  America loves 'em.  They've nurtured the young and old,
    inspired songs and sonnets, war and peace, not to mention major men's
    magazines.  I could go on forever, so I will - with a lengthy tribute to
    the names, nicknames and euphemisms that have come to characterize chest
    fever.  The following extensive, but by no means exhaustive, list was
    compiled by amateur etymologists Parker Bennet and Tom Mannis.

    Angel Cakes          Doozies             Loaves            PT Boats
    Apples               Double-Whammies     LobLollies        Pumpkins
    Balboas              Dueling Banjos      Love Mellons      Rangoons
    Balloons             Dugs                Love Muffins      Rib Balloons
    Bangers              Dumplings           LuLus             Rib Cushions
    Bangles              Dunes               Macaroons         Rivets
    Bassoons             Ear Muffs           Mambos            Roundies
    Baubles              Eclairs             Mammaries         Sandbags
    Bazongas             Eggplants           Mammies           Satellites
    Bazookas             Enchiladas          Mams              Scones
    Bazooms              Flapjacks           Mangos            Scoops
    Beacons              Flappers            Marangos          Set
    Beanbags             Flesh Bulbs         Maraschinos       Shakers
    Bebops               Flesh Mellons       Marimbas          Shebas
    Betty Boops          Floaters            Marshmallows      Shermans
    Big Boppers          Floats              Mau Maus          Shimmies

                             Humor Digest - August 90

                            UnCatagorized Sexual Stuff

    Bikini Stuffers      Fog Lights          Mausers           Silos
    Billibongs           Fried Eggs          Meatballs         Skin Sacks
    Blinkers             Fun Bags            Meat Loaves       Skooners
    Bombers              Gagas               Melons            Smoothies
    Bombshells           Garbos              Milk Cans         Snuggle Pups
    Bon Bons             Gazingas            Milk Fountains    Spark Plugs
    Bongos               Gazongas            Milk Shakes       Specials
    Bonkers              Glands              Molehills         Spheres
    Boobers              Globlets            Mommas            Spongecakes
    Boobies              Globes              Mondos            Spuds
    Boobs                Gob Stoppers        Montezumas        Stacks
    Boops                Gongas              Moo Moos          Stuffing
    Bops                 Goombas             Mother Lodes      Sugar Plums
    Bosom                Grapefruits         Mounds            Sweater Meat
    Boulders             Grillwork           Montain Peaks     Sweater Puffs
    Bouncers             Guavas              Muchachas         Sweet Rolls
    Bra Buddies          Gum Drops           Muffins           Tahitis
    Bra Stuffers         Handsets            Mulligans         Tamales
    Breasts              Hand Warmers        Mushmellons       Tartugas
    Bronskis             Headers             Nancies           Tatas
    Bubbas               Head Lamps          Nectarines        Tattlers
    Bubbies              Headlights          Niblets           Teats
    Buds                 Headphones          Nibs              Tetons
    Bulbs                Headsets            Nippleoons        Thangs
    Bulges               Hefties             Nippleos          Thingumajigs
    Bullets              Heifers             Nippers           Tidbits
    Bumpers              Hemispheres         Nippies           Titbits
    Bumps                Hills               Nips              Tits
    Bust                 Hindenburgs         Nodes             Titskis
    Busters              Honeydews           Nodules           Titters
    Busties              Honkers             Noogies           Titties
    Butterballs          Hood-Ornaments      Nose Cones        Tomatoes
    Buttons              Hoohas              Oboes             Tom-Toms
    Caboodles            Hooters             Oompas            Tooters
    Cams                 Hot Cakes           Orbs              Torpedoes
    Cannon Balls         Hottentots          Ottomans          Tortillas
    Cantaloupes          Howitzers           Padding           Totos
    Carumbas             Hubcaps             Pagodas           Twangers
    Casabas              Huffies             Pair              Tweakers
    Cha-chas             Humdingers          Palookas          Tweeters
    Charlies             Hush Puppies        Papayas           Twin Peaks
    Chihuahuas           ICBMS               Parabolas         Twofers
    Chimichongas         Jawbreakers         Pastries          Tympanies
    Chiquitas            Jemimas             Paw Patties       U-Boats
    Coconuts             Jibs                Peaches           Umlauts
    Congas               Jobbers             Peakers           Wahwahs
    Corkers              Jugs                Peaks             Waldos
    Creamers             Jukes               Pears             Warheads
    Cream Pies           Jumbos              Pects             Watermelons
    Cuhuangas            Kabukis             Peepers           Whoppers
    Cupcakes             Kalamazoos          Pillows           Windjammers
    Curves               Kazongas            Pips              Wobblers  
    Dingers              Kazoos              Plums             Wongas
    Dinghies             Knobbers            Pointer-Sisters   Woofers

                             Humor Digest - August 90

                            UnCatagorized Sexual Stuff

    Dingos               Knockers            Points            Yabbos
    Dirigibles           Kongas              Pokers            Yams
    Domes                Kumquats            Polygons          Yayas
    Doodads              Lactoids            Pompoms           Zeppelins
    Doorknobs            Lip Fodder          Pontoons          Zingers
    Doozers              LLamas              Potatoes
         When you cross a donkey and an onion you very often will end up with
    an onion with very long ears, but if you are very luck you may very rarely
    end up with a piece of a## that will bring tears to your eyes.
         As a result of the reduction of money budgeted in departmental
    areas,we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel .  .  Under the
    plan, older employees will be asked to go on early retirement, thus
    permitting the retention of younger people (who represent the future).
         Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the
    current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect
    immediately.  The program will be known as R.A.P.E.  (Retired Aged
    Personnel Early) Employees who are R.A.P.E'd will be given the opportunity
    to look for other jobs outside our company.Provided that they are being
    R.A.P.E'd they can request a review of their employment records before
    actual retirement takes place.  This phase of the operation is called
    S.C.R.E.W.  (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers)
         All employees who have been R.A.P.E'd or S.C.R.E.W.E'd may file an
    appeal with upper management.  This will be called S.H.A.F.T.  (Study by
    Higher Authority Following Termination).  Under the terms of the new
    policy, employees may be R.A.P.E'd once, S.C.R.E.W.'ed twice, but may be
    S.H.A.F.T.'ed as many times as the Company deems appropriate.
         If an employee follows the above procedure, he or she will be
    entitled to get free H.E.R.P.E.S.  Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's
    Early Severance).  As H.E.R.P.E.S.  is considered a benefit plan, any
    employee who has received H.E.R.P.E.S.  will no longer be R.A.P.E'd or
    S.C.R.E.W.'d by the company.
         Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board
    that the company will continue its policy to ensure that employees are
    well trained through our Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.).  The
    company takes pride in the amount of S.H.I.T.  our employees receive.  We
    have given our employees more S.H.I.T.  than any other company in this
    area.  If an employee feels he or she does not receive enough S.H.I.T.  on
    the job, please see your immediate supervisor.  Your supervisor is
    especially trained to make sure that you receive all the S.H.I.T.  you can
    The ten most common lies men tell women in bed:

     1) You'll be so much more comfortable wearing this dog collar.
     2) Butt-fucking is lots of fun!
     3) If you wont suck my cock, you couldn't possibly love me.
     4) I like it when you let your teeth scrape against my cock.
     5) I think your hairy legs and armpits are sexy.
     6) You're not fat, you are voluptuous.
     7) Mensural blood doesn't bother me in the least.
     8) She's just my secretary.
     9) I promise not to cum in your mouth.

                             Humor Digest - August 90

                            UnCatagorized Sexual Stuff

    10) I'll call you.
         When you come to a girl tell here she will always have a place to sit
    as long as you have a face!
         Positive logical proof now exists establishing that God definitely is
    not a woman...  If God were a woman, cum would taste like chocolate!
         Reminds me of my wife's visit to the gynecologist.  She said he
    remark would like to fill her vaginal cavity with ice cream, and then eat
    it out.  I told her not to worry.  NOBODY can eat that much ice cream!
    A guy called Dial-a-porn...

    The girl said, "Not tonight, I've got an EARACHE."
    Definition of a bad day: Your woman makes you sleep on the wet spot, and
                             you just got home.
                                IN THE BEGINNING...

         It seems that when the Creator was making the world He called man
    aside and bestowed upon him 20 years of normal sex life.  Man was
    horrified only 20 years!  But the Creator didn't budge.  That was all he
    would grant him.
         Then he called the monkey aside and gave him 20 years.  "But I don't
    need 20 years" said the monkey, "All I need is 10." Then man spoke up and
    said "Can't I have the other 10?", and the monkey agreed.
         Then the Creator called the lion and gave him 20 years.  The lion
    said 10 would be plenty.  Again man asked for the 10 years and the lion
         Then the Creator called the donkey and gave him 20 years.  Again the
    donkey said 10 would be plenty, and again man asked for the 10 years and
    received them.
         This explains why man has 20 years of normal sex life, 10 years of
    Monkeying around, 10 years of lion about it and...  10 years of making an
    ass of himself.

                             Humor Digest - August 90

                                    Clean Jokes

         There was this big tough guy up in Alaska working on the pipeline out
    in the boonies.  He went into the bar and said, "What do you all do around
    here for fun?"
         One of the locals says, "Well, first we drink a case of Yukon
    whiskey, then we wrestle with a Grizzly, then we make love to a woman."
         The guy replies, "Alright!" He kills a case of whiskey then wanders
    out into the snow.
         He comes stumbling back a few hours later, all torn to shreds, and
    loudly exclaims to the bar crowd, "Now, where's that woman I'm supposed to
         A man had been walking across a street, when all of a sudden he was
    clobbered by a hit and run driver and was killed.  He was welcomed to
    Heaven by St.  Peter.
         "Life here is very similar to life down there," the saint said,
    pointing down to earth.  "You can still get hurt up here, but its offset
    by the fact that nothing is illegal and everything is free.  Just be
    careful and enjoy yourself.
         Amazed and somewhat bewildered, the man started out to take in the
    sights.  Not watching where he was going, the man stepped off a curb and
    was almost run over but an Oldsmobile Cutlass.  "Wow, who the heck was
    that?" the guy wondered aloud.
         "That was Mr.  Olds," said St.  Peter.  "He's a driving maniac, but
    you've got to be careful if your going to stay here.
         The newcomer nodded and continued on.  A minute later, as he was
    carefully crossing over to a striptease joint, a speeding Cadillac nearly
    ran him over.
         "Wow!  Who the heck was that jerk?" he screamed at St.  Peter, who
    was still keeping an eye on him.
         "None other than Mr.  Ford.  As you can see, the idiot enjoys driving
    fast," came St.  Peters reply.  "I know it's touchy, but do try to be
         The man made extra sure before he attempted a third crossing, but
    just as he was about to reach the other side successfully, a Porshe driven
    by some long-haired freak appeared out of no where and bumped him back
    across the street.
         "Okay, who the heck was that?" he screamed as he lay sprawled at the
    Saints feet.
         "Keep your voice down," St.  Peter hissed, "that's the boss' son!"
    ------------------------------------------------------------------------ -
         A veterinarian's daughter leaves home to go to an out-of-state
    college.  After about a month, she writes home to Dad asking that he send
    her money to purchase a bicycle as it is a very long way between classes
    in the various buildings on campus.
         When the check arrives, she walks downtown the local bicycle shop to
    purchase her new bike.  On the way there, she happens to pass a pet
    store.  There, sitting in the window of the pet shop, is the most adorable
    little monkey that she has ever seen.  Her heart goes out to the animal,
    she reverses course, enters the pet shop and buys the monkey instead.
    Fearing admonishments from her Father, she neglects to inform him of the
    actual purpose to which she applied the funds he had dispatched to her.
         After a few months of enjoying her pet's company and playful antics,
    she notices that the animal has become rather tired and listless.

                            Humor Digest - September 90

                                    Clean Jokes

    Finally, one morning she notices that the monkey appears to be genuinely
    ill and that great globs of its' hair is falling out, leaving bare skin
         Her very first instinctual reaction is to phone her father, the
    veterinarian, and seek his advice about what to do.
         "Dad," she cries over the telephone, "what should I do?  All of the
    hair is falling off of my monkey!"
         "If I were you," replied her Father, "I'd sell the bicycle!"
         A drunk walks into a bar and the bartender says "What'll ya have?"
         The drunk says "Scotch and soda."
         "Okay." says the bartender as he quickly whips the drink up and slide
    it over, which the drunk speedily downs.
         The bartender says "That's $2.50 Mac."
         Drunk says "I don't have any money!  You offered me a drink and I
    took it." The bartender throws the drunk out.
         The Drunk walks in two minutes later and the bartender says "Hey, I
    just threw you outta here!"
         The drunk says "Wasn't me!"
         The bartender responds, "Then you must have a double!"
         To which the drunk smiles and says "Thank you, I will!"
         A woman wanted to get a watchdog for protection at home.  She went to
    the pet store and said to the owner, "I'm worried about all the break-ins
    and robberies in my neighborhood, and want to get a real ferocious guard
         The owner told her, "No problem.  I have just the thing for you." He
    went to the back of the store and came out with a little ball of fur with
    4 little stick legs.  "This is Fifi, and she's exactly what you want."
         The lady just laughed at the guy and started to walk away.  The owner
    said, "Wait.  I'll show you." He put Fifi down and said, "Fifi, the
    chair!" and the dog was a blur.  Splinters and fluff were everywhere.
    After Fifi was done there was nothing but a pile of wood chunks and
    cloth.  The owner could see that the woman was impressed, but not yet
    sold, so he said, "Fifi the table!" and the dog was amazing.  The table
    simply disintegrated.
         The lady bought Fifi and was walking out the door when the man said
    to her, "Fifi will only take commands from a man's voice."
         "That's ok." she said, "My husband can do it." So she happily took
    Fifi home.
         When she got home, she was all smiles and went in to her husband's
    den and said, "Honey look what I got.  A guard dog to protect our house.
    Her name is Fifi."
         The husband put down his paper and looked at the pathetic ball of fur
    with 4 little stick legs and said, "Fifi, huh?  Fifi my leg."
         A string walks into a bar and orders a beer.  The bartender says
    "Sorry, I don't serve strings." So the string walks out of the bar and
    bumps into some fellow strings.  He tells his friends what happened and
    one of them says he will go into the bar and order the beer for him.
         So the second string walks into the bar and orders a beer.  Once
    again the bartender says "Sorry, I don't serve strings." So the second
    string walks out and breaks the news to the others.
         Finally one of the strings comes up with a brilliant idea.  He tied

                            Humor Digest - September 90

                                    Clean Jokes

    himself into a knot and frayed his ends.  He then walks slowly into the
    bar and orders a beer.
         The very upset bartender yells "Listen, many strings have come in
    here and I'm getting a little upset.  This is the final time I will say
    this.  I don't serve strings!  You are a string aren't you?"
         The string then calmly replies "No, I'm afraid not." (a frayed knot)
         The contractor and the stupid carpenter were putting siding on a
    house.  About every third nail the carpenter would pull out of the pouch,
    he'd toss over his shoulder.  So the contractor goes up to him and says,
    "What do you think you're doing?"
         The stupid carpenter says, "Those nails are no good, the head is on
    the wrong end!"
         The contractor says, "You moron, those are for the other side of the
         Milton came into his wife's room one day.  "If I were, say,
    disfigured, would you still love me?" he asked her.
         "Darling, I'll always love you," she said calmly, filing her nails.
         "How about if I became impotent, couldn't make love to you anymore?"
    he asked anxiously.
         "Don't worry, darling, I'll always love you," she told him, buffing
    her nails.
         "Well, how about if I lost my job as vice president?" Milton went on,
    "If I weren't pulling in six figures anymore.  Would you still love me
         His wife fondly took her husband worried face between her hands.
    "Milton, I'll always love you," she reassured him, "but most of all, I'll
    really miss you."
         A certain Texan owned an oil well, which caught on fire one day.  The
    Texan immediately called Red Adair, asking him to come and extinguish the
    fire.  Adair agreed, but said, "My fee is one million dollars." The Texan
    decided that was too much, so when to the Yellow Pages and looked under
    "Oil Well Fire Extinguishers." There he saw the name of Jose Hernandez.
    He called Jose and asked him to come and extinguish the fire.
         Jose said, "My fee is one thousand dollars."
         The Texan agreed and said he would pay him on the spot.
         Jose said, "Alright, senior, tomorrow morning I come in my truck."
         The next day the Texan went out to the oil well.  Just as he arrived,
    he saw a truck with "Jose Hernandez -- Oil Well Fire Extinguisher" painted
    on the side drive up.  Instead of stopping, the truck drove at full speed
    towards the well and crashed against the derrick.
         Immediately a dozen Mexicans jumped out and began beating at the
    flames with serapes.  Soon the fire was out.  One of the smoldering
    Mexicans walked up to the Texan and said, "Senior, I am Jose Hernandez."
         The Texan said, "My God, that was amazing," reached into his pocket,
    pulled out a thousand dollars, and handed it to Jose.
         Jose took the money and said, "Thank you, Senior, now I can afford to
    fix my brakes."
         Little Johnnie, being reprimanded by his teacher for being tardy for
    school, remonstrated with the following excuse:
         "Ma woke Pa up in the middle of the night saying she heard something

                            Humor Digest - September 90

                                    Clean Jokes

    in the hen house.  Pa, who sleeps in the raw, grabbed his loaded shotgun
    and ran out into the yard.  Pa stood there, with his gun pointing at the
    chicken house, waiting for something to come out when our old hound dog
    came up behind Pa with his cold nose...  and we've been cleanin' chickens
    since three o'clock this morning."
         A blind man walks into the drugstore with his seeing-eye dog.  A few
    minutes later, a saleswoman sees the blind man swinging his dog around by
    the leash.
         The saleslady rushes over to the blind man and asks "Sir, what are
    you doing?"
         The blind man replies "Leave me alone, I'm just looking around!"
         A man is sitting at the Greyhound station, waiting for his bus.  He
    sees a weight and fortune machine in the corner, walks over to it and
    drops a nickel in the slot.
         The card that comes out says "You're an American, your on your way to
    New York, your bus leaves in ten minutes and you weigh 165 pounds!"
         The man thinks that the prediction is amazing and looks around the
    station, finally he sees an Indian waiting for a bus.  He grabs the Indian
    and brings him to the scale, drops in a nickel and the card comes out
    "You're an Indian, a Chief of the Cherokee Tribe, on your way to Arizona,
    you weigh 175 pounds!" (The chief says "UGH!  It right!")
         The man grabs the Indian's Headgear and blanket, puts them on, steps
    on the scale, drops in a nickel and the card pops out.
         "You're still an American, you still weigh 165 pounds, you were on
    your way to New York, but you messed around too long with that indian and
    missed your bus!"

                            Humor Digest - September 90

                                   Ethnic Jokes

         A Black, a Redneck, a Pollack, a Jew, and a Mexican all died and went
    to Hell at the same time.  While floating in the amorphous mists of Limbo
    an imp of Satan flashed into existence.
         "Sweethearts," the imp spoke in a limp-wristed saccharine voice "it
    has been such a rush.  We just don't have time to process them all.  'Tell
    ya what.  Slip me a five and I'll let ya all go back."
         The next day the Redneck was at his favorite sleazy bar sucking down
    a few brews.  After telling the story he was queried as to where the rest
    of his group were.
         Well, the pollack will be along in a little while; he had to stop and
    ask directions three times.  The Mexican is not far behind him with a
    spray can writing graffiti on the walls about every ten feet.  The Jew has
    the imp down to $3.95, and the black is looking for a co-signer.
         A Salesman, an Engineer and a Programmer are riding to the next trade
    show when all of a sudden a tire goes flat.  They pull to the side of the
    road, get out and assess the situation.
         The Salesman says, "Well, it's pretty obvious, we need a new car!"
         The Engineer says, "I think we should swap out the tires until we
    find which one is flat."
         The Programmer says, "Lets just ignore it.  Maybe it'll go away!"
         A Ukranian and a Jew were discussing how far each could make a dime
    reach, and agreed to try it and meet a few days later to see who'd get the
    most out of a dime.
         The Jew bought a cigar, and smoked one-third the first day and saved
    the ashes.  He smoked one-third the second day and saved the ashes.  He
    smoked one-third the third day and again saved the ashes, and on the
    fourth day he gave the ashes to his wife to use as fertilizer on her
    roses.  He told the Ukranian, "I know you can't beat that for stretching a
         The Ukranian said, "I got you beat.  I bought a Polish sausage for a
    dime, and the first day I ate one-half, and on the second day I ate the
    other one-half.  The third day I used the skin for a rubber, and the
    fourth day I took a shit in the skin and sewed it back up.  The fifth day
    I took it back to the butcher and told him it smelled like shit.  He
    agreed with me and gave me my dime back."
         A lawyer picked up a broad in a bar one night and took her home.
    They became carnally intimate.  After such an exchange the lawyer never
    saw the woman again.  A simple one night stand.
         Until one day the lawyer was at a filling station about 11 months
    later and saw the woman filling up her tank.  He also noticed a newborn
    baby in her back seat.  Doing a little simple math, he thought to
    himself...  "Hey, that's probably my kid!"
         He walked up to the woman and introduced himself and asked if the
    child was his.  The woman replied "Yes."
         "Well, why didn't you tell me, I would have done the right thing and
    we could have been married."
         The woman said, "Well I talked it over with the family and we decided
    it would be better to have a bastard in the family rather than a lawyer."
         Then there were two Pollacks who rented a boat to go fishing on a

                            Humor Digest - September 90

                                   Ethnic Jokes

    lake.  They found a spot and were catching fish right and left.  At the
    end of the day, one Pollack suggested that they find a way to remember the
    spot where they caught all the fish so they could come back to the same
    good luck.  The other Pollack suggested that they put an "X" in the bottom
    of the boat.
         The first Pollack grew furious and shouted "You idiot, how do you
    know that we'll get this same boat!"
         A man from Connecticut was taking a cross-country train trip which
    happened to take him through Texas.  At one stop in that state, an
    extremely attractive young woman got on and sat down across the aisle from
    him.  The Northern was very turned on, and finally leaned over and said to
    the woman, "Hey, baby, want to come back to my sleeper with me for $5?"
         At these words, a Texan sitting nearby jumped up out of his seat,
    drew a revolver, and shot the Northerner dead.  Blowing the smoke out of
    the gun barrel, and replacing the revolver in its holster, he gave a
    fierce look around the car and said:
         "Any more damn Yankees want to try raising the price of women in
         These two Pollacks go out on the town one night.  They tie their
    horses in front of the bar and decide that they will probably be too drunk
    to tell them apart when they come out.  One suggests to the other that
    they cut the right ear off his horse and the left ear off the other
    horse.  "When we come out, we will just match up the ears and we can tell
    which horse is which.  They do this and go on about their boozing.
         Later that night they come back out to the horses and after several
    minutes of trying to fit the ears back onto the proper horse, one says to
    the other, "Ah, to hell with the ears, You take the black horse and I'll
    take the white one."
         A young couple were out for a drive in the country when the man
    shifted the car into neutral and let it coast to a stop.  The young lady
    said, "You're not going to pull that out of gas routine are you?"
         "No," he replied, "I'm going to pull that here after routine."
         "What's that?" she asked.
         "Well, if you're not here after what I'm here after, you're going to
    be here after I'm gone!"
         This ole gal was trying on one of those blouses with a plunging
    neckline and after looking herself over in the mirror, asked a saleslady
    if she thought it was too low-cut.
         "Do you have hair on your chest?" the saleslady asked.
         "No!," she squealed.
         "Well then," the saleslady said, "it's too low-cut."
         Mrs.  Anderson husband had been reported missing for more than three
    months.  Her friends and relatives did not know if the poor man had met
    with fowl play or what.
         One day the lady received a call from the city morgue requesting her
    to identify a body that might very well be Mr.  Anderson.
         The morgue attendant lifted the sheet, disclosing the recently dead
    but very well-endowed corpse.
         "No," Mrs.  Anderson said, "That isn't my husband, but some woman

                            Humor Digest - September 90

                                   Ethnic Jokes

    certainly lost a very good friend."
         Gary was chuckling at the bar when his friend Steve joined him.
    "Women, they think they're so smart," he said with a sly smile, going on
    to explain that he'd eavesdropped on a phone conversation between his
    fiance and her best friend.  "She said, 'Gary doesn't know it yet, but the
    only time I'm putting out is when I want to get pregnant."
         At this, Gary doubled over with laughter, and Steve looked at his
    friend with some consternation, "I'd be mad as a hatter!  Why aren't you?"
    he asked.
         "Why get mad?" answered Gary.  "She'll never know I've had a
         A king finally married his daughter off to a prince from a
    neighboring kingdom but was worried if the wedding nuptials would go
    okay.  He asked one of his guards to stay discreetly outside their door
    and to report to the him the next morning.
         The guard reported to the king and the king asked what had happened
    during the night.  "Well," the guard said, "They got undressed and into
    bed and I did not hear anything for quite a while.  Then I heard her offer
    herself to the prince.  He then honored her.
         And that's how it went the whole night, offer, honor, offer,

                            Humor Digest - September 90

                                    Other Jokes

         A lady was getting a tatoo on her butt.  She asked the artist to put
    Elvis Presley on one cheek and Tom Cruise on the other cheek.  After the
    artist was finished, he handed the lady a mirror to check it out for
         "I need a second opinion," the lady demanded.  So the artist went
    outside his shop to find a person to critique the work.  All he could find
    was a whino, so he brought the geezer in to look at her ass.
         "Whaddaya think?" asked the lady.
         "Well," said the whino, "I dunno who either of those guys are, but
    the guy in the middle with the rotten breath has got to be Willie Nelson!"
         A priest and a golfer went golfing together for a day.  The golfer
    swings and misses, "God Damn it!  I missed!"
         The priest say, "God isn't going to like that!" The golfer swings
    again and misses, "God Damn IT!  I missed!"
         The priest again says, "God isn't going to like that!" The golfer
    swings again, "God damn it!  I missed!"
         Again the priest says, "God is not going to like this." And as the
    golfer took another swing a dark cloud began to amass above the golf
    course and the golfer missed again, "God damn it!  I missed again!"
         The priest once again said, "God is not going to like this at all."
         A powerful surge of lightning struck the priest and God said, "Damn
    it!  I missed!"
         A young boy is playing with his train set in the living room while
    his mother cooks.  He lets the train go around the track ten times, stops
    it, and says, "All you bastards who wanna get in, get in.  All you
    bastards who wanna get out, get out." He lets the train go around another
    ten times, stops it, and again says, "All you bastards wanna get in, get
    in.  All you bastards wanna get out, get out."
         With that, the mother comes storming into the living room and tells
    her son to go sit in the corner for one hour for speaking so filthily.
         One hour goes by and the mother tells the little boy that he can go
    back and play with his trains again.  The little boy sends the train
    around the track ten times, stops it, and says, "All you bastards wanna
    get in, get in.  All you bastards wanna get out, get out.  Anybody got a
    complaint about the delay, go see the bitch in the kitchen."
         A customs agent stopped an old Jewish man who had just emigrated to
    Iran and asked him to open his two luggage trunks.  And in the first one
    he found over a million dollars in one dollar bills.
         "Excuse me, sir," he asked the old gentleman, "where did you get all
    this money?"
         "Vell, I'll tell you," the old man began, "For many years, I traveled
    all around America and I stopped at all of the public rest rooms in all
    the major cities; I vent to New York, then I vent to Chicago, , then I
    vent to San Francisco.  I vent into all the stalls vhere the men were
    spritzing and I say, 'Give me a dollar for Israel or I'll cut your
    testicles vit my knife.'
         "That's quite a story," the customs agent said, "What's in the second
         "Vell, you know," said the old jew, shaking his head, "Not everyone
    likes to give..."

                            Humor Digest - September 90

                                    Other Jokes

         A young Japanese girl had been taught all of her life that when she
    married she was to please her husband and never upset him.  So the first
    morning of her honeymoon when the young Japanese bride crawled out of the
    bed after making love and she stooped down to pick up her husband's
    clothes and she let a big fart.
         She looked up and said, "Excuse please, front hole so happy back hole
         The Pope died and appeared at the Pearly Gates, where he knocked
    confidently and introduced himself to St.  Peter, "I am The Pope of Rome,"
    he said, "Let me in."
         "I don't know you," said St.  Peter.
         "Well, Christ knows me," said the Pope briskly, "May I come in now?"
         "I'll check," offered St.  Peter, picking up the phone.  "Hey, J.C.,
    there's a character out here calling himself the Pope of Rome and he says
    you know him." After a pause, St.  Peter hung up and turned to the Pope.
    "He says He doesn't know you."
         "So, try the Holy Ghost," suggested the Pope.
         "Say, Spook," said St.  Peter over the phone, "there's a character
    here calling himself the Pope of Rome who says you know him." After a
    pause, St.  Peter turned back to the pope and shook his head.
         "That is absurd," said the Pope testily, "Try the Father."
         St.  Peter obliged him, "Hey Dad, there's someone here calling
    himself the Pope of Rome and he says you know him."
         "Yes, I know the son of a bitch," boomed God over the phone line.
    "He's the guy who's been spreading all those rumors about me and the
    Virgin Mary.  Tell him to go to Hell!"
         A couple walks into a hotel on their honeymoon...  The groom says to
    the receptionist "I'd like to have your finest suite, it's our honeymoon"
         The receptionist replies "Bridal?"
         The groom says "No I'll just grab her by the ears till I get used to
         The nun was taking a shower when she heard a knock at the door.  She
    wrapped a towel around herself and asked who it was.
         "I'm the blind man." came the reply.
         She dropped the towel and answered the door.
         The guy looked at her and said "Nice tits lady, here's your blinds."
         Little Tommy came home from school one day and was really pissed.  So
    on his way down the country lane and past the barnyard, he kicked the cow,
    kicked the pig and kicked the chicken.
         His Mother saw this and yelled, "Tommy!  Stop that and get in here
    right now!" When Tommy came in she said, "Since you kicked the cow, you
    get no milk for the next week.  Since you kicked the pig, you get no bacon
    for the next week.  And for kicking the chicken, you get no chicken for
    the next week."
         A couple hours later Tommy's Father came home, and was pissed off
    too.  He kicked the cat.  Tommy looked at his Mother and said, "Do you
    want to tell him or should I?"
         Once a guy from Cincinnati was dating a gal from Eaton.  But she had

                            Humor Digest - September 90

                                    Other Jokes

    a twin sister who lived in Dayton.  The two sister decided to play a
    little game on this Cinsy guy so they started to alternate on dates with
    this guy.  Being identical twins, he had no idea of their little joke.  As
    the strange relationship developed, it finally got to the point that the
    poor guy didn't know if he was dating the gal from Eaton or eating the gal
    from Dayton.
         A man is sitting in a bar and this ugly woman walks in and sits down
    at the other end.  The man says to the bartender "Get the douche bag a
         The bartender replies "I'm sorry sir but we don't refer to the ladies
    in this fine establishment as douche bags."
         The man said "Listen, just get the douche bag a drink." Again the
    bartender repeated his position.  The man again requested a drink for the
    "douche bag" and the bartender finally relented.
         He walks down to the woman and says "The gentleman at the other end
    of the bar would like to buy you a drink.  What would you like?"
         The woman replies "Oh, just a vinegar and water!"
         A skunk, a giraffe, and a deer walk into a bar and order mixed
    drinks.  They drink them down, order a second round, pound the second
    round down, and to leave.  The bartender says: "Hey, one of you animals
    has to pay for those drinks."
         The skunk says: "All I have is a scent.  I can't pay you." The deer
    say: "Well, I've a buck to my name, and I'm expecting some dough soon if
    you know what I mean, but I can't pay."
         So the giraffe says: "Well, guys, I guess the highballs are on me."
         Priest decides to go fishing on a charter boat.  Nun drives him to
    the dock and prays for good fishing the whole time he's gone.  After
    fishing all day, finally the priest catches a big fish.
         The first mate says, "Big Son of a bitch father!"
         Priest says, "Son, your language!"
         Mate feeling guilty says, "No father, it is a 'Son of a bitch.' It's
    a cross between a trout and a perch."
         They get back to the dock, Priest says to nun, "Look at the big Son
    of a bitch I caught sister!"
         Nun says,"Father your language!"
         Priest says,"No sister, it is a Son of a bitch, it's a cross between
    a trout and a perch." They go back to the convent and show the fish to the
         "Look at the big Son of a bitch Father caught today!" says the nun to
    the cook.
         Cook says, "Sister your language!"
         Nun says, "No, it is a Son of a bitch, it's a cross between a trout
    and a perch."
         Monsinger comes for dinner that night.  Cook brings out the lavishly
    prepared fish.
         "Just look at the Son of a bitch Father caught today, didn't I fix it
    well?" says the cook.
         Father says, "Yea, it's the biggest Son of a bitch I ever caught."
         Nun says, "I've never seen a finer son of a bitch."
         Monsinger looks at each of them and says, "I knew I'd like you

                            Humor Digest - September 90

                                    Other Jokes

         The priests need to travel from NY to Pittsburg and they plan to do
    it by train.  There is an Old Priest, a Middle Aged Priest, and a Young
    Priest.  The problem arises when they arrive at the train station to
    purchase the tickets.  The ticket agent is a woman and she has the biggest
    tits they have ever seen (and she's not wearing a bra).  After some
    discussion the Old Priest is sent to buy the tickets (Since he is younger
    and should be able to act in a calm manner while buying the tickets)
         Old Priest: (At the ticket window) "I'd like to buy 3 tickets to
    Titsburgh..." (He walks away in embarrassment) After more discussion the
    Middle Aged Priest is sent to buy the tickets.
         Middle aged Priest: "Young lady, I'd like to buy three tickets to
    Pittsburgh.  I would like my change in nipples and dimes..." (He also
    immediately turns and walks away in embarrassment) The Young Priest then
    decides he is best suited for the job...
         Old Priest: "Young lady, I would like to buy three tickets to
    Pittsburgh.  I would like my change in nickels and dimes.  And you know,
    when you get to heaven, St.  Stick is going to shake his peter at you!"
         There were these two aggies on the beach.  One of them saw a
    beautiful blond looking at him.  She smiled at him, so he turned to his
    buddy and said, "There's this girl smiling at me, what should I do?" His
    friend said, "Well, smile back at her." He did this, and then she winked
    at him.  He once again asked his friend what to do, and was told, "Well,
    wink back at her.  "He did this, then she took her bikini top off,
    exposing her large breasts.  He asked his friend what to do now, who
    replied, "Show her your nuts." So the Aggie stuck his fingers in his ears,
    turned cross-eyed, and yelled, "Blubba blubba booo!"
         "Every time I see a good-looking guy," the girl confides to her best
    friend, "I get a funny feeling between my toes."
         "Between your toes?" the friend asks.  "Between which toes?"
         "The two big ones."
         Little Molly was taken too the beauty parlor for her 1st haircut.
    The strange surroundings intimidated her and she began to cry, but the
    hairdresser was used to children, and calmly offered her a cookie.  Sure
    enough the little girl quieted down, so he began cutting her hair, but in
    a few minutes, Molly started up again.
         "What's the matter, little girl?" asked the hairdresser solicitously,
    "Have you got a hair on your cookie?"
         "What are you, a pervert?" she snapped, "I'm only six!"...

                            Humor Digest - September 90

                                   Sexual Jokes

         There seems to have been this man one day who was sinking in
    quicksand.  A young fellow walks by and the man screams out, "Hey!  Help
    get me out of this quicksand!"
         The fellow looks at the guy and says "Will you suck my dick?"
         The man replies, "UUUGH, NO!"
         So the fellow kicks him in the head, and the man sinks a little
    deeper.  Later on, another dude walks by...  and the man screams again,
    "Hey!  Help get me out of this quicksand!  I'll do anything!"
         The dude looks at the man and asks "Will you suck my dick?"
         The man replies as before...  "UUUGH, NO WAY!"
         So the dude kicks the man in the head, and he sinks a little deeper.
         Just before the man is totally consumed by the quicksand, he sees
    another man walking near by, so he yells out, "HELP!  Get me out of this
    quicksand, and I'll do anything...  Even suck your dick!"
         The man walks over to him kicks his head, and says:
         "Die!  Faggot!"
         An amateur golfer playing his 1st tournament was delighted when a
    beautiful girl came up to him after the round and suggested that he come
    over to her place.  The fellow was a bit embarrassed to explain that he
    really couldn't stay all night but that he'd be glad to come over for a
    while.  Twenty minutes later they were in her bed making love.  And when
    it was over, he got out of bed and started getting dressed.
         "Hey," called the girl from beneath the covers, "where do you think
    your going?  Arnold Palmer wouldn't leave so early."
         At that the golfer stripped off his cloths and jumped on top of her.
    Once they'd made love a 2nd time, he got out of bed and put his pants back
         "What are you up to?" she called, Jack Nicklaus wouldn't think of
    leaving now."
         So the golfer pulled off his pants and screwed her a 3rd time,
    afterwards he started getting dressed.
         "C'mon, you cant leave yet," protested the girl, "Lee Trevino
    wouldn't call it a day."
         "Lady, would you tell me one thing?" asked the golfer, looking at her
    very seriously.  "What's par for this hole?!"
         This sweet young thing was taken to a very expensive New York
    restaurant by her elderly employer.  After a few cocktails, the young lady
    ordered a pate' de foie gras, an endive salad, chateaubriand, and dessert
    and coffee.  She also ordered an expensive wine.
         The old man stared at her puzzled; "Your mother feeds you this way?"
    he asked.
         "No," she replied sweetly, "but my mother's not looking to fuck me
         A city feller went to the country to see what they did for kicks.  He
    went to a farmer and asked him what they did for enjoyment and the farmer
    said, "Well see that barn over there?  See the three holes?  Well the
    first one is not bad, the second is pretty good but is the third ever a
         Well since he wanted to try the country way he went up to the first
    hole and stuck it in and wow!  One of the best he ever had!  Thinking if

                            Humor Digest - September 90

                                   Sexual Jokes

    they get better he just has to try the second hole.  So he walks up to it
    and sticks it in and nearly screams in pleasure!
         The next day two farmers are walking by the barn and see a pale, weak
    and yellow man in the ditch.  The one farmer asked what he was doing
         The other farmer said "Well, he wanted to know what we did for kicks
    so I told him about the three holes in the barn.  Now the first one is
    Bills' cat, the second is Frees' calf and the third is Teds' milking
    machine, and it doesn't stop till it has two quarts."
         Father Harris was motoring along a country road in his parish on a
    spring afternoon when all of a sudden he got a flat tire.  Exasperated,
    the priest stopped the car, got out, and assessed the damage.  Luckily, a
    4 wheel drive jeep rounded the bend and pulled to a stop behind the
    crippled car.
         The door to the jeep opened and out stepped a powerful hulk of a
    man.  "Good afternoon, Father," greeted the stranger.  "Can I give you a
         "Heaven be praised," rejoiced the priest.  "As you can see, my son, I
    have a flat tire, and I must admit I've never changed on before."
         "Don't worry about it, Father.  I'll take care of it." And without
    skipping a beat, the bruiser picked up the front of the car with one hand
    and removed the lug nuts from the bast of the flat tire with the other.
    "Why don't you get the spare from the trunk?" he asked.
         "Why...  yes, of course, my son." stuttered the amazed Father
    Harris.  The priest rolled the spare around to the strongman, who casually
    lifted it up with his free hand, maneuvered it into place, and proceeded
    to tighten the lug nuts.
         "Do you need the wrench?" the Father asked.
         "I don't Know?" the fellow said, "These nuts are as tight as a nun's
         "Hmm..." mused Father Harris, "I'd better get the wrench..."
         A missionary was working with a cannibal tribe, trying to convert
    them to Jesus.
         One day the cannibal chief's wife gives birth to an albino baby.
    Convinced the missionary had something to do with it, the chief comes
    storming up to him yelling blue murder and ready to light the cooking
         The missionary tries to calm him down:
         "Listen chief, God works in mysterious ways; see all the white sheep
    on the hill?"
         "And see the one little black sheep?"
         "The chief looks thunderstruck and turns to the missionary:
         "OK, You no tell, I no tell!"
         A wino scraped together five dollars, bought and downed two bottles
    of Thunderbird, and passed out behind a hedge in a nearby park.  Not long
    afterwards a fag strolled by and noticed him.  That's appealing, he
    thought to himself, and he rolled the wino over and screwed him.  It was
    such a pleasurable experience that he tucked five dollars in the drunks
    pocket an went on his way.
         When the wino woke up he was amazed to find his pocket still had

                            Humor Digest - September 90

                                   Sexual Jokes

    money in it.  Hurrying over to the liquor store, he proceeded to spend it
    on wine and pass out in the same place, where the fag found him on his way
    out to lunch.  Quite delighted, he had another go and tucked another five
    dollars in his pocket.
         This time the wino could hardly believe his good fortune.  Again he
    got drunk and passed out, and again the fag found him and screwed him.
    Unable to believe his good fortune, the grateful fag tucked twenty dollars
    in the wino's pocket and went home.
         When the wino came to, he pulled the twenty dollars out of his
    pocket.  Clutching it tightly, he staggered to the liquor store, and
    beckoned to the clerk.  "Hey, buddy, get me some good wine off the shelf,"
    he instructed the clerk, "Cause this cheap stuff's murder on my
         The New York subway car was packed at rush hour.  A woman hanging on
    to an overhead strap turned to the man in back of her and snapped, "If you
    don't stop poking me with that thing, I'm going to call a cop."
         The man replied "It's only my pay-check envelope, miss," he said
         She replied "Yea?  You must have one hell of a job cause that's the
    fourth raise you've had in the past ten minutes."
         Three morticians were shooting the breeze at an undertaker's
    conference and the subject came around to what each considered his
    greatest achievement.  Harry cleared his throat modestly and revealed that
    he had once had to deal with the remains of a man who stepped on a hand
    grenade.  "It took me 3 days," he said proudly, "but it was an open casket
         "Not bad," conceded Jerry, "but listen to this: I got handed a
    construction worker who'd been run over by a steamroller, and he was ready
    for that open casket in 2 days."
         "You guys got me beat," sighed Charlie.  "My toughest case was a lady
    parachutist who landed right on the Empire State Building.  It took me 4
    days to get the grin off her face..."
         Two friends were talking and the second can't stand it anymore, so he
    asks his buddy how he got two black eyes.
         "Well...  I was sitting in church, and this fat woman in front of me
    had a dress on.  We would kneel and then stand, kneel and stand.  Every
    time she stood up, the dress would get caught in her crack, so I reached
    forward and released it for her.  That's how I got the first black eye."
         "How'd you get the other black eye?" asked his buddy.  "The next time
    we stood up, the dress didn't get caught, but I figured she liked it
    there, so I put it back."
         This guy goes to the pet store to look for a unique pet, and he walks
    by a parrot.  The parrot says "Hey mister buy me, buy me."
         The guy say "Why would I want to buy a parrot?"
         The parrot say, "I am a special parrot, I have no legs."
         The guy says, "Well then how do you stay up on your perch?"
         The parrot says, "I wrap my pecker around the perch to hold on." So
    the guy feels bad that bird has no legs and buys him.
         The next day when the guy comes home from work the parrot says, "Hey,
    guess who came over today?  The milk man..."

                            Humor Digest - September 90

                                   Sexual Jokes

         The guy says "So, its Tuesday, the milk man always comes on Tuesday."
         The bird says, "Yea but he came in and removed your wifes' blouse."
         The guys said, "Yeah, then what happened?"
         The bird said, "Then he removed his shirt"
         The guy said "Then what happened?"
         The bird said, "Then he removed your wifes pants."
         The guys said, "Then what happened?"
         The bird said, "Then he removed his pants."
         The guy said, "Then what happened?"
         The bird said, "I don't know...  I got a hard on, and fell off behind
    the dresser."
         Woman walks into her doctors office and says "You son of a bitch,
    those hormones you gave me are just a little to strong.  I've got hair
    growing all over my tits!"
         The doctor said, "Jeez, how far down does the hair go?"
         The lady replies, "All the way down to my dick.  And that's another
         70 year old man goes to a nudist colony to fulfill a lifelong dream.
    Manager tells him it will cost him $800.00 to become a member.  He screams
    and hollers and says this is too much.
         The manager tells him to go ahead and join the others outside     clothes> and stay for the day and see if he enjoys it.
         He disrobes and walks outside where he spots this gorgeous blond
    woman.  He becomes aroused and the woman immediately drops to her knees
    and proceeds to pleasure him.
         After she finishes he rushes back into the office and immediately
    forks over the $800.00.  He goes back outside and is standing there
    watching a volleyball game when he drops his cigar.  He bends over to pick
    it up and a big burly man rushes over and plugs him from behind.
         He runs back into the office and demands his money back.
         The manager says, "Why?  When you became aroused didn't the blonde
    lady pleasure you?  She, or another of the ladies out there will do it
    anytime you are obviously aroused."
         The old man says "Yeah, but I'm 70 years old.  I become aroused maybe
    once or twice a month, I'm liable to drop my cigar 5 or 6 times a day!"
         A fifteen year old girl comes home from her date with her head in the
    clouds and her mother asks how her date went.  The girl dreamily replies
    "I'm so in love!"
         At this the mother started laughing and said to her daughter "You
    don't even know what love is, give me a break."
         The girl gets angry and says "I do to, love is when you suck your
    boyfriends' dick and then let him fuck you up the ass!" This makes her
    mother laugh even harder to the point where she is almost in tears.  When
    she can finally speak she says to her daughter "I knew you didn't know,
    love is when you let him fuck you up the ass and then you suck his dick!"
         Two young embalmers were working on a body that had just arrived that
    day and when they took his pants off they discovered that he had the
    biggest dick that either of them had ever seen.  One of them called their
    boss to come and see and the old man said,
         "That's no big deal.  I have one like that."

                            Humor Digest - September 90

                                   Sexual Jokes

         The young man said, "You mean your dick is as big as that?"
         The old man said, "No, that dead!"
         A man was stranded on a desert island.  One day as he was staring out
    to sea, he began talking to himself: "Say, what is that out there?  Is it
    a boat?  Yeah, I think it's a boat.  I'll bet there a broad on it; a broad
    with big tits, with nipples the size of my thumb, with a luscious, tight
    pussy, with a round, red ass..."
         By this time, he had developed a huge, throbbing erection.  He
    grabbed it and began to masturbate furiously, cackling, "Ha!  Fooled you,
    you bastard!  There ain't no boat out there!"
         A man with a two-inch prick walks into a whorehouse and drops his
    pants in front of one of the girls.  She said to him, "Who do you think
    you're going to please with that little thing?"
         And the man says, "Me!"
         There's this farmer laying next to his wife in bed.  He reaches over
    and grabbed his wifes tits and said "If those things were milkable, I
    could sell the cows honey!" Then he reaches his hand down and grabs her
    pussy and says "If that could only lay eggs, I could get rid of the
    chickens, dear!"
         By this time she's enjoying herself but can't take his stupid remarks
    anymore.  She slides her hand down and grabs his dick and says "If this
    would only get hard, I could get rid of your brother!"
         A man walks into a whore house, slides up to the desk and says "I
    want the best whore in the place."
         The madam says "Well we have Jane she gives good head."
         The man says "Naw that's too common."
         The Madam says "We have Cindy she walks on all four and bay's at the
         The man says "That's more like it but I hate the moon."
         The Madam says "Well you forced me to do this but we have Hurricane
    Gussy" The man was so intrigued by the name that he said "I'll take one of
         The Madam say's "Go up to room 215 and get undressed the Hurricane
    will be up in a few minutes..."
         So the Man proceeds to room 215 where he gets undressed and into bed
    and waits.  About 10 minutes later a big, I mean big Amazon of a woman
    comes into the room.  She gets undressed and gets into bed next to the
         Suddenly she starts blowing in the mans ear and all over his body.
    He says "What's that for?"
         "Them's the winds that come with the hurricane."
         Then she starts licking him all over his body.
         Again he asks "What's that for?"
         "Them's the waves lapping the shore from the Hurricane."
         Suddenly she starts slapping him around with those size 54 tit's of
    her's and the man asks once again "What are you doing?"
         "Them's the coconuts falling off the trees in the hurricane."
         Then for no apparent reason she sits up and pisses on him.
         "What the hell are you doing?" screamed the man.
         "Them's the warm tropical rains that come with the hurricane."

                            Humor Digest - September 90

                                   Sexual Jokes

         After hearing this the man jumps up get's dressed and starts to
         Gussy asks him "Why are you leaving?"
         He replies, "Who can fuck in weather like this?"
         The Mother Superior of an Irish convent hear a knock at the door and
    went to answer it.  When she opened the door, she saw two leprechauns
    standing outside.  One of the leprechauns took off his hat and said,
    "Begging your pardon, Mother Superior, but would you be having any midget
    nuns here?"
         The Mother Superior said, "No, we have no midget nuns here."
         The leprechaun, looking disturbed, said, "Are you quite sure, Mother
         The Mother Superior said, "I know all the sisters, and I am quite
    certain that there are no midget nuns here."
         The leprechaun, now quite upset, asked, "Would you be knowing if any
    other convent has midget nuns?"
         The Mother Superior said, "To the best of my knowledge, there's not a
    midget nun in the whole of Ireland."
         The second leprechaun jabbed the first one in the ribs with his elbow
    and said, "See?  I told you that you were screwing a penguin!"
         The coach of the American soccer team tells the players that they
    should abstain from sex for the next until after the big game.  The next
    day at practice no one shows up on time.  The goalie wanders in an hour
    late and informs the coach that the other players aren't showing up since
    sex is their highest priority.
         The coach is furious!  "How do they expect to win if sex is more
    important to them than soccer?" He asks the goalie how come he was the
    only one who showed up for practice.
         The goalie says "Don't you know goalies are allowed to use their
         A sixth grade class is taking sex-ed.  The teacher pulls down a
    picture of a naked lady and Paul raises his hand.  Paul's not too bright
    and the teacher doesn't like to call on him.  She says "Ok Paul, what is
         Paul says "That's a naked lady those are tits and that's a pussy!"
         The teacher being quite steamed then pulls down a picture of a naked
    man.  Now both Scott and Paul raise their hand.
         The teacher says, "Ok Scott what is this?"
         Scott says "That's a naked man and that's a penis.  My dad's got two
    of those: a little one that he pees with, and a big one that he brushes
    mommys' teeth with!"
         A blind man in a bar was bragging that he could distinguish types of
    wood by the smell.  He explained that it was his job since he worked in a
    lumberyard.  The bartender made a wager with him and bet him a free beer
    if he could identify different types of wood he had lying around.
         The old blind man agreed and the bartender proceeded to get the
    wood.  The old man started sniffing the piece of lumber and said, "This is
    Douglas fir pine and I would say it was cut anywhere from 2 to 6 months
         "Why that's correct" exclaimed the bartender.  I bought it 3 months

                            Humor Digest - September 90

                                   Sexual Jokes

    ago to build a bench in the back.  Let's try for double or nothing.
         So the bartender brought a piece of an old oak table and gave it to
    the old blind man.
         "Yep, this is oak, and I'd say it's about 20 years old or greater"
         "Amazing!" shouted the bartender.  "Let me test you one more time."
         However, this time the bartender played a trick on the old man.  He
    went into the alley in back and picked up this old whore just lying
    around.  He put her up on the bar and spread her legs and told the old man
    to take a whiff.
         The old man sniffed and sniffed and stroked his chin for a while.
    After some thinking, he told the bartender, "I don't rightly know the type
    of wood this is, but the tuna boat this lumber came from let their cargo

                            Humor Digest - September 90


                                   AMAZING SPACE
                          (From the Binary Bible Hymnal)

    Amazing Space,
    How sweet it is
    To have a disk like thee,
    My files were lost
    But now they're found,
    There's room on my PC

    Amazing Space,
    How neat it is
    To hear the hard-disk whine,
    And see the printer
    Start to print
    The files I know are mine.

    Through many dangers,
    Coils and wires,
    I have already been,
    'Tis Space that brought me
    Safe this far
    And space will save me again.
                                Ode to a Mammogram

    For years and years they told me
    "Be careful of you breasts.
    Don't ever squeeze or bruise them,
    And give them monthly tests."

    So I heeded all their warnings
    And protected them by Law...
    Guarded them very carefully,
    And always wore a bra.

    After 40 years of careful care,
    The doctor found a lump.
    He ordered up a mammogram
    To look inside that clump.

    "Stand up very close." she said,
    as she got my tit in line,
    "And tell me when it hurts," she said,
    "Ah yes! There! That's just fine."

    She stepped upon a pedal...
    I could not believe my eyes!
    A plastic plate was pressing down...
    My boob was in a vice!

    My skin was stretched -n- stretched
    From way up by my chin,

                            Humor Digest - September 90


    And my poor tit was being squashed
    To Swedish pancake thin!

    Excruciating pain I felt
    Within its vice-like grip,
    A prisoner in this vicious thing,
    My poor defenseless tit!

    "Take a deep breath," she said to me
    Who does she think she's kidding?
    My chest is smashed in her machine,
    I can't breathe, and woozy I am getting.

    "There, that was good," I heard her say
    As the room was slowly swaying
    "Now lets get the other one,"
    "Lord, have mercy," I was praying.

    It squeezed me from the up and down,
    It squeezed me from both sides,
    I'll bet she's never had this done
    to her tender little hide!

    If I had no problem when I came in,
    I surely have one NOW...
    If there had been a cyst in there
    It would have popped --- Ker-Pow!

    This machine was made by man,
    Of this I have no doubt...
    I'd like to get his balls in there,
    For months he'd go "without"!

                            Humor Digest - September 90

                           Clean Question & Answer Jokes

    Q: What's the definition of a peeping tom?

    A: A window fan.
    Q: What do you call a dozen and a half pigs in a pickup?

    A: An eighteen squealer!
    Q: Why do cows wear bells?

    A: Because their horns don't work!
    Q: What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?

    A: A flat miner!
    Q: How do you get 1500 blue-haired old ladies to say "Damn!" at the same

    A: Yell "BINGO!"
    Q: What's the definition of endless love?

    A: Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis!
    Q: How do you know when you're drunk?

    A: When you feel sophisticated, but can't pronounce it.

                            Humor Digest - September 90

                          Ethnic Question & Answer Jokes

    Q: What do you call a pimple on a Pollack's toe?

    A: A brain tumor.
    Q: What do you call a Mexican baptism?

    A: Bean dip.
    Q: How does a fag spell relief?

    A: No aids!
    Q: What will they call the first black test tube baby?

    A: Janitor in a drum!
    Q: Why don't Polish women breast feed their children?

    A: It hurts too much to boil their nipples!
    Q: What is long, black, and stinks?

    A: The lineup in front of the unemployment office.
    Q: What did the black lady get for using birth control?

    A: A thousand dollars from Crime Stoppers!
    Q: What's the difference between lawyers and vultures?

    A: Lawyers get frequent flyer miles.
    Q: How do you wreck a Pollacks' party?

    A: Flush the punch bowl!
    Q: What do you call a on a water bed?

    A: Lake Placid.
    Q: What's a favorite wine?

    A: "You never take me anywhere"
    Q: What do you call an ethiopian with a fur hat and boots on?

    A: A Q-Tip!
    Q: How do you make a tissue dance?

    A: Blow a little boogie into it...

                            Humor Digest - September 90

                           Gross Question & Answer Jokes

    Q: What would Elvis be doing if he were alive today?

    A: Scratching at the inside of his coffin.
    Q: What do a necrophilic and a piece of gum have in common?

    A: They both get hard in dead people's mouths.
    Q: What is the definition of Gross?

    A: A cheerleader doing the splits and six Varsity rings fall out!
    Q: What does Yoko Ono have in common with Ethiopians?

    A: They both live off of dead Beatles.
    Q: How come all the homosexuals were the first to get out of San Francisco
       in the big quake?

    A: They already had their shit packed!
    Q: What's Grosser that Gross.

    A: When a midget tells you your hair smells good.
    Q: Do you know why they don't circumcise Arabs?

    A: So they will have a place to hide there gum during a sand storm.
    Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rabbit?

    A: A dead rabbit with a two foot asshole!
    Q: How do you know when your into kinky sex?

    A: When you get "Ken and Barbie in bondage" for your birthday.
    Q: Why do nuns always walk in pairs?

    A: So one nun can make sure the other nun don't get none!
    Q: How to cook toilet paper?

    A: Lightly brown one side.
    Q: What did the masochistic girl say to her date?

    A: "Slap...  or I'll stop you!"
    Q: What do you get what you cross a prostitute with an elephant?

    A: A 3/4 ton pickup.

                            Humor Digest - September 90

                           Other Question & Answer Jokes

    Q: Have you heard of the new Proctor & Gamble product?

    A: Toxic shock absorbers.
    Q: What are three things that women can do that men can not?

    A1: Bleed for a week and not die.
    A2: Produce milk without eating grass.
    A3: Bury a bone without digging a hole.

                            Humor Digest - September 90

                          Sexual Question & Answer Jokes

    Q: What do soybeans & dildos have in common?

    A: Both are a meat substitute.
    Q: What's the difference between fish & meat?

    A: If you beat your fish it would die.
    Q: How do you cure a case of "The crabs"?

    A: First, you need 3 things:
       1) Lighter Fluid
       2) Matches
       3) Ice Pick
       Directions: Flood the infested area with lighter fluid.  Ignite the
       lighter fluid with a match (get your ice pick ready).  If any crabs are
       still alive, stab them with the ice pick as they are fleeing the fire.
    Q: What is the difference between a Genealogist and a Gynecologist?

    A: A Genealogist looks up your family tree and a Gynecologist looks up
       your family bush.
    Q: What do you get when you give a rooster a cup of coffee?

    A: A cock that stays up all night!
    Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a hooker?

    A: A fucking know-it-all who remembers you forever!
    Q: What's red and has seven dents?

    A: Snow White's cherry.
    Q: What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?

    A: Being fingered by Captain Hook!
    Q: Why did the Italian staple his nuts together?

    A: Since he couldn't lick them, he thought he could join them.
    Q: Why did God create man?

    A: Because vibrators can't mow lawns!
    Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster with a telephone pole?

    A: A 20 foot cock that wants to reach out and touch someone!
    Q: How do you screw a fat girl?

                            Humor Digest - September 90

                          Sexual Question & Answer Jokes

    A: Slap her thighs and ride the next wave in!
    Q: What do you do if you come across an elephant in the jungle?

    A: Wipe it off and say you're sorry!
    Q: What lubricant do they use at orgies?

    A: 3-in-1 oil.
    Q: What looks good behind a girls ears?

    A: Her ankles.
    Q: What do you call oral sex at a national park?

    A: Old Facefull!
    Q: Why do shepherds wear flowing robes?

    A: Because sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.
    Q: How does a French woman hold her liquor?

    A: By the ears.
    Q: What do you call this?  (Puff out your cheeks)

    A: A Polish sperm bank.
    Q: What do you call this?  (Stick out your tongue)

    A: A lesbian with a hard on.

                            Humor Digest - September 90

                             UnCategorized Clean Stuff

                              Disorder In The Court!

         Most language is spoken language, and most words once they are
    uttered, vanish forever into the air.  But such is not the case with
    language spoken during courtroom trials, for there exists an army of court
    reporters whose job it is to take down and preserve every statement made
    during the proceedings.

    Court is now in session, and here are my favorite transquips, all
    recorded by America's keepers of the word:

     1) Q: What is your brother-in-law's name?
        A: Borofkin.
        Q: What is his first name?
        A: I can't remember.
        Q: He's been your brother-in-law for 45 years, and you can't remember
           his first name?
        A: No.  I tell you I'm too excited.  (Rising from the witness chair
           and pointing to Mr.  Borofkin).  Nathan, for God's sake, tell them
           your first name!

     2) Q: Did you stay all night with this man in New York?
        A: I refuse to answer that question.
        Q: Did you stay all night with this man in Chicago?
        A: I refuse to answer that question.
        Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
        A: No.

     3) Q: James stood back and shot Tommy Lee?
        A: Yes.
        Q: And then Tommy Lee pulled out his gun and shot James in the
        A: (After a hesitation) No sir, just above it.

     4) Q: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
        A: No, I said he was shot in the lumber region.

     5) Q: Now, Mrs.  Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
        A: By death.
        Q: And, by whose death was it terminated?

     6) Q: What is your name?
        A: Ernestine Mc Dowell.
        Q: What is your marital status?
        A: Fair.

     7) Q: Are you married?
        A: No, I'm divorced.
        Q: What did your husband do before you divorced him?
        A: A lot of things that I didn't know about.

     8) Q: And who is this person you are speaking of?
        A: My ex-widow said it.

                            Humor Digest - September 90

                             UnCategorized Clean Stuff

     9) Q: How did you happen to go to Dr.  Cheney?
        A: Well, a gal down by the road had had several of her children by
           Dr.  Cheney and said he was really good.

    10) Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
        A: I will be three months November 8th.
        Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
        A: Yes.
        Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time?

    11) Q: Mrs.  Smith, you do believe that you are emotionally unstable?
        A: I used to be.
        Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
        A: Four times.

    12) Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
        A: No.
        Q: What was he doing with the dog's ears?
        A: Picking them up in the air.
        Q: Where was the dog at the time?
        A: Attached to the ears.

    13) Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
        A: All my autopsies have been on dead people.

    14) Q: Were you acquainted with the decedent?
        A: Yes, sir.
        Q: Before or after he died?

    15) Q: Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the
        A: Because he was argumentary, and he couldn't pronunciate his words.

    16) Q: What happened then?
        A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify
        Q: Did he kill you?
        A: No.

    17) Q: Mrs.  Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a
           deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
        A: No.  This is how I dress when I go to work.

    18) Q: Have you ever been arrested?
        A: Yes.
        Q: What for?
        A: Aggravating a female.

    19) Q: You say you're innocent, yet five people swore they saw you steal a
        A: Your Honor, I can produce 500 people who didn't see me steal it.

    20)   Judge: Well, gentlemen of the jury, are you unanimous?

                            Humor Digest - September 90

                             UnCategorized Clean Stuff

        Foreman: Yes, your Honor, we're all alike -- temporarily insane.

    21) THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present
                   information and prejudice from your mind if you have any.

    22) Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were
           able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to
           go also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him
           to the station?
        A: MR.  BROOKS.  Objection.  That question should be taken out and

    23) Q: At the time you first saw Dr.  McCarty, had you ever seen him prior
           to that time?

    24) JUDGE: I rarely do so, but for whatever purpose it may serve, I will
               indicate for the record that I approached this case with a
               completely open mind.

    25) Q: Did the lady standing the driveway subsequently identify herself to
        A: Yes, she did.
        Q: Who did she say she was?
        A: She said she was the owner of the dog's wife.

    26) Q: I understand you're Bernie Davis's mother.
        A: Yes.
        Q: How long have you known him?

    27) Q: Now, I'm going to show you what has been marked as State's Exhibit
           No.  2 and ask if you recognize the picture?
        A: John Fletecher.
        Q: That's you?
        A: Yes, sir.
        Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right?

    28) Q: As a officer of the Dodge City Police Department, did you stop an
           automobile bearing Kansas license plates SCR446?
        A: Yes, sir.
        Q: Was the vehicle occupied at the time?

    29) Q: Please state the location of your right foot immediately prior to
        A: Immediately before the impact, my right foot was located at the
           immediate end of my right leg.

    30) Q: Have you ever beaten your wife?
        A: No.  I might slap her around a little, but I never beat her.

    31) Q: Just what did you do to prevent the accident?
        A: I closed my eyes and screamed as loud as I could.

    32) Q: What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of this

                            Humor Digest - September 90

                             UnCategorized Clean Stuff

        A: Oh, she'll tell you the truth.  She said she was going to kill the
           son of a gun -- and she did.

    33) Q: And another reason that you didn't want to go out there was because
           you feared for your life?
        A: Yes, I did.
        Q: Why?
        A: That's a rowdy neighborhood, and there are very, very bad persons
           that will do bodily harm and seriously kill someone.

    34) Q: Where were you on the bike at the time?
        A: On the seat.
        Q: I meant where on the street.

    Before we recess, let's listen in on one last exchange involving a child:

    35) Q: And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral, O.K.?
        A: Oral.
        Q: How old are you?
        A: Oral.
                      The World According To Student Bloopers
                       Richard Lederer (St.  Paul's School)

         One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is
    receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay.  I have
    pasted together the following "history" of the world from certifiably
    genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United
    States, from eighth grade through college level.  Read carefully, and you
    will learn a lot.

     1) The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies.  They lived in
        the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot.  The climate of the Sarah
        is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas
        of the dessert are cultivated by irritation.  The Egyptians built the
        Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube.  The Pyramids are a
        range of mountains between France and Spain.

     2) The Bible is full of interesting caricatures.  In the first book of
        the Bible, Guinnesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
        One of their children, Cain, once asked, "Am I my brother's son?" God
        asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma.  Jacob was a
        patriarch who brought up his twelve sons to be patriarchs, but they
        did not take to it.  One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the

     3) Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw.  Moses
        led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is
        bread without ingredients.  Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide
        to get the ten commandments.  David was a Hebrew king skilled at
        playing the liar.  He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people
        who lived in Biblical times.  Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500
        wives and 500 porcupines.

                            Humor Digest - September 90

                             UnCategorized Clean Stuff

     4) Without the Greeks we wouldn't have history.  The Greeks invented
        three kinds of columns -- Corinthian, Doric and Ironic.  They also had
        myths.  A myth is a female moth.  One myth says that the mother of
        Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intollerable.
        Achilles appears in The Iliad, by Homer.  Homer also wrote the Oddity,
        in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his
        journey.  Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man
        of that name.

     5) Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people
        advice.  They killed him.  Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.

     6) In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits,
        and threw the java.  The reward to the victor was a coral wreath.  The
        government of Athens was democratic because people took the law into
        their own hands.  There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were
        so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were
        doing.  When they fought with the Persians, the Greeks were
        outnumbered because the Persians had more men.

     7) Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Greeks.  History calls people
        Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.  At Roman
        banquets, the guests wore garlics in their hair.  Julius Caesar
        extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul.  The Ides of March
        murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king.  Nero
        was a cruel tyranny who would torture his poor subjects by playing the
        fiddle to them.

     8) Then came the Middle Ages.  King Alfred conquered the Dames.  King
        Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery.  King Harold mustarded his troops
        before the Battle of Hastings.  Joan of Arc was canno- nized by
        Bernard Shaw, and victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their
        necks.  Finally, Magna Carta provided that no free man should be
        hanged twice for the same offense.

     9) In midevil times most of the people were alliterate.  The greatest
        writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and
        also wrote literature.  Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot
        an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.

    10) The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of
        their human beings.  Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at
        Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences.  He died a horrible death,
        bing excommunicated by a bull.  It was the painter Donatello's
        interest in the femal nude that made him the father of the
        Renaissance.  It was an age of great inventions and discoveries.
        Gutenberg invented the Bible.  Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical
        figure because he invented cigarettes.  Another important invention
        was the circulation of blood.  Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world
        with a 100-foot clipper.

    11) The government of England was a limited mockery.  Henry VIII found
        walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee.  Queen

                            Humor Digest - September 90

                             UnCategorized Clean Stuff

        Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success.  When
        Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted,
        "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.

    12) The greatedt writer of the Renaissance was William Shake- spear.
        Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his
        plays.  He lived at Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies,
        comedies and errors.  In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet
        rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloguy.
        In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by
        attacking his manhood.  Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic
        couplet.  Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miguel
        Cervantes.  He wrote Donkey Hote.  The next great author was John
        Milton.  Milton wrote Paradise Lost.  Then his wife died and he wrote
        Paradise Regained.

    13) During the Renaissance America began.  Christopher Columbus was a
        great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the
        Atlantic.  His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa
        Fe.  Later, the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and this was known as
        Pilgrims Progress.  When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were
        greeted by the Indians, who came down the hill rolling their war hoops
        before them.  The Indian squabs carried porpoises on their back.  Many
        of the Indian heroes were killed along with their cabooses, which
        proved very fatal to them.  The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the
        settlers.  Many people died and many babies were born.  Captain John
        Smith was responsible for all this.

    14) One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks
        in their tea.  Also the colonists would send their parcels through the
        post without stamps.  During the war, the Red Coats and Paul Revere
        was throwing balls over stone walls.  The dogs were barking and the
        peacocks crowing.  Finally, the colo- nists won the war and no longer
        had to pay for taxis.

    15) Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented
        Congress.  Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two
        singers of the Declaration of Independence.  Franklin had gone to
        Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread
        under each arm.  He invented electric- ity by rubbing cats backwards
        and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin
        died in 1790 and is still dead.

    16) George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the
        Father of Our Country.  Then the Constitution of the United States was
        adopted to secure domestic hostility.  Under the Constitution the
        people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

    17) Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent.  Lin- coln's
        mother dies in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built
        with his own hands.  Wen Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall
        silk hat.  He said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln
        wrote the Gettysburg Address while traveling from Washington to
        Gettysburg on the back of an en- velope.  He also freed the slaves by

                            Humor Digest - September 90

                             UnCategorized Clean Stuff

        signing the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment
        gave the ex-Negroes citizenship.  But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher
        and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims.  It claimed it
        represented law and odor.  On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln
        went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a
        moving picture show.  The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a
        supposingly insane actor.  This ruined Booth's career.

    18) Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time.
        Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.
        Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton.  It is chiefly noticeable in the
        autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees.

    19) Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel.
        Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English.  He was very
        large.  Bach died from 1750 to the present.  Beetho- ven wrote music
        even though he was deaf.  He was so deaf he wrote loud music.  He took
        long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him.
        Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

    20) France was in a very serious state.  The French revolution was
        accomplished before it happened.  The Marseillaise was the theme song
        of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon.  During the
        Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their
        shoes.  Then the Spanish gorillas came doen from the hills and nipped
        Napoleon's flanks.  Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was
        tense and unrestrained.  He wanted an heir to inherit his power, but
        Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear children.

    21) The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is
        in the East and the sun sets in the West.  Queen Victo- ria was the
        longest queen.  She sat on a thorn for 63 years.  Her reclining years
        and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great
        personality.  Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

    22) The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and
        thoughts.  The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers
        to spring up.  Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did
        the work of a hundred men.  Samuel Morse invent- ed a code of
        telepathy.  Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis.  Charles
        Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species.  Madman
        Curie discovered radium.  And Karl Marx became one of the Marx

    23) The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch- Duck by a
        surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
         You know it's gonna be a bad day when you're watching a live drug
    bust on TV, and recognize your own house.
    Baby Boom: Sound a baby makes when you throw it faster than the speed of

    Warehouse: A person who, during a full moon, transforms into a building.

                            Humor Digest - September 90

                             UnCategorized Clean Stuff

    Thoroughbred: A carefully prepared loaf.

    Sonic Screwdriver : A very loud drink made with Vodka and Orange Juice.
                                    Show Me...

     1) Show me a famous surgeon and I'll show you a big operator.
     2) Show me a singing beetle and I'll show you a humbug.
     3) Show me a young lads bed and I'll show a boy cot.
     4) Show me a violin maker and I'll show you a man with guts.
     5) Show me a gang of beggars and I'll show you a ragtime band.
     6) Show me a tall beachcomber and I'll show you a long shoreman.
     7) Show me a arrogant insect and I'll show you a cocky roach.
     8) Show me a swine in the rain and I'll show you a hogwash.
     9) Show me filibustering senator and I'll show you a figure of speech.

    They were being held prisoner, in a milk carton factory!
                         The Drinker's Fault Finding Chart

    1) Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction.  Shirt front wet.
         Fault: Mouth not open, or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
    Correction: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror.

    2) Symptom: Drinking fails to satisfy and beer unusually pale and clear.
         Fault: Glass empty.
    Correction: Find somebody to buy another pint.

    3) Symptom: You notice the wall is covered with ceiling tiles and there is
                a fluorescent light strip on it.
         Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
    Correction: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your arm,
                stay put.  Or summon help and then lash yourself to the bar.

    4) Symptom: Everything has gone dim.
         Fault: You have fallen over forwards.
    Correction: See above.

    5) Symptom: You wake up to find the bed hard and you cannot see the
                bedroom walls or ceiling.
         Fault: You are sleeping in the gutter.
    Correction: Check your watch to see if the bar has opened yet.  If not,
                sleep in.

    6) Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
         Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
    Correction: Turn glass other way; Point open end at ceiling.

    7) Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
         Fault: Improper bladder control.
    Correction: Stand next to bar owner's dog.  Complain about house-training

                            Humor Digest - September 90

                             UnCategorized Clean Stuff

                and demand pint as compensation.

    8) Symptom: Bar blurred.
         Fault: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
    Correction: Find somebody to buy another pint.

    9) Symptom: Bar swaying.
         Fault: You are being carried out.
    Correction: Ask if you're being carried to another pub.  If not, complain
                loudly thay you're being hijacked by the Salvation Army.

    10)Symptom: Everything has gone dark.
         Fault: The bar is closing.
    Correction: Panic!
    Sign on bathroom doors at a marina labeled "INBOARDS" and "OUTBOARDS"
                             Some Questions I Have...

    1) Why do bad guys throw their empty guns at pursuing cops?
    2) Why do they give old slow people drivers licenses?
    3) Why do they have locks on the doors of 24 hour 7-11's?
    4) If nothing sticks to teflon, how did they get the teflon to stick to
       the pan?
                                  by: Al Gorithum

                           The 12 Sines of the Zerodiac
             Your Technical Horoscope, as recorded in the Binary Bible


         You are an Arrays, and like to be the first in and last out.  You
    love to randomly access data files that are too large to be contained in
    memory.  You are always in a unique and meaningful pattern, so your
    position is very clear.  Sometimes you have a tendency to tie up the
    processor with your own demands.  A no strings relationship with a fast
    paced co-processor is your idea of a good time.  You are always ready to
    be turned on.


         You are a Transfer and are extremely PC loving.  You are fixed in
    mind and prefer a large hard disk.  Your office cubicle is usually filled
    with plants.  You will be the first in your department to have a hardwood
    keyboard.  You are a plotter and are seldom late for work.  You tend to be
    stubborn and resist making too many revisions in a document.  Your
    artistic nature makes a color monitor important to you.


         You are a Graphic; to you the whole world is bit-mapped.  You have
    good memory, at least a megabyte in RAM.  Your monitor has very high

                            Humor Digest - September 90

                             UnCategorized Clean Stuff

    resolution and your modem was 4800 baud when every one else was still at
    1200.  Your highly strung wiring makes you tend to short out easily.  You
    should learn to relax and avoid programming in BASIC, even though it comes
    easy to you.  Your data bases tend to be chaotic and unorganized.  Take
    better care of your peripherals, as you tend to neglect them.


         You are a Console and are sensitive and very receptive.  You respond
    to the emotions of others and tend to break down under stressful
    situations.  Consolians are generally worriers, full of glitches and
    responsive to line noise.  You like to stay in a safe, quiet corner of the
    room, one that is free of dust and static.  Sometimes you try to cover
    your true appearance, especially on weekends when you prefer being alone.
    Like the moon, you shine the brightest at night.


         You are a Laser that makes you special.  People look to you with high
    expectations.  Your image is very distinctive.  Yours is often the last
    world.  Your natural sense of proportion tells you what typeface is proper
    for any occasion.  Being a fixed sine, Lasers are slow.  Many have fairly
    good memories, but are slow at recalling an image.  You tend to be a Bit
    of a snob, looking down upon rough drafts as unacceptable.  Though quick
    to anger, you don't hold a smudge for long.


         You are a Virtual, so having a good memory is important to you.
    Everything is in its place in your hard disk and your desk top is neat and
    tidy.  You may even have separate cover for your mouse.  Your overly
    critical path can be your best friend or your worst enemy.  Reserved, but
    loving constant attention, you seek direct contact and seek immediate
    results.  You are especially interested in health care programs, and of
    course, Accounting.  You always seek new and different ways of doing


         You are always moving, restless, and are the last in and first out at
    any social occasion, moving on quickly to the next impulse.  You are a
    master networker.  LIFOs are well known for taking up one project after
    another with great zeal and enthusiasm, only to move quickly on to
    suddenly leave it and take up another.  Thus you are often called the
    Jack-of-all-trade-shows; master of none.  You have a knack for working
    with partners and enjoy hand-holding.  You are known for your facility
    with languages.


         You are a Sector.  You have very strong opinions about what goes
    where.  "Everything in its place" is your motto.  A born leader and
    soldier, you will often ask: "Do you want this disk initialized?" You
    should avoid being overbearing and arbitrary.  Sector people are usually

                            Humor Digest - September 90

                             UnCategorized Clean Stuff

    somewhat controversial and do not do things in half measures.  You are
    known for your IC stare.  Remember, your sharp words can do or undo good
    or bad, so try to avoid read/write errors.


         You are a Satellite, so you always aim high.  Sometimes though, you
    tend to look down on others when you should not.  You have a photographic
    memory.  This makes you an excellent story teller with many levels of
    meaning going on simultaneously.  You have an appreciation for Eastern
    thought, but always come around to see the other point of view.  Your
    fault is putting yourself above others.  You sometimes forget that: "What
    goes up must come down."  You enjoy fast living but also have lofty


         You are a Capacitor and you know your own limits.  Architecture is
    very important to you.  You are deep, prudent, firm and cautious.  Often
    unnoticed or appreciated, you still are persevering and relentless.  Your
    do or diode attitude seldom switches.  You cling to life with great
    TENacity.  Capacitors work well alone but can be overbearing.  Since your
    power is often low, you must learn to conserve energy and use it wisely.


         You are Asynchronos, which means you are often unORthodox.  Your
    standards are unique, ahead of their time and may not always be readily
    accepted by others.  Sincere and honest, you do not like half-duplex or
    twisted-pairs.  Strong in your own likes and dislikes, you will often
    cling to the opinions of others once they are formatted.  Your ideas are
    radical but honest.

    FEBRUARY 19 TO MARCH 20 -- PCs

         You are a PC, so everyone finds you attractive.  You are modest,
    neat, a lover of order and completeness.  You are submissive to others,
    but still have independent processing ability.  Sometimes you byte off
    more than you can do.  PCs are industrious and methodical and can be
    trusted with secret information as they are very closed mouthed.  Your
    tendency to self-indulgence may lead to a downfall, though, especially in
    complex social situations which require a great deal of networking.  You
    are overly fond of Hex, and should therefore make certain that your
    monitor is shielded.

     1) Dear school; Please excuse John from being absent on January 28, 29,
        30, 31, 32, and also 33.
     2) Please excuse Diana from being absent yesterday.  She was in bed with
     3) Please excuse Johnny for being.  It was his father's fault.
     4) Mary could not come to school because she was bothered by very close

                            Humor Digest - September 90

                             UnCategorized Clean Stuff

     5) Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side.
     6) Please excuse Raul from school yesterday.  He had a stomach egg.
     7) Robert could not come to school yesterday.  He had a ball come in his
     8) John has been absent because he has two teeth taken off his face.
     9) Excuse Gloria, she has been under the doctor.
    10) Lillie was absent from school yesterday because she has a going over.
    11) My son is under the doctors care and should not take fizcal ed.
        Please execute him.
    12) Charles was absent yesterday because he was playing football.  He was
        hurt in the growing part.
    13) My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired.  She spent the
        weekend with the Marines.
    14) Please excuse Joyce from P.E.  for a few days.  Yesterday she fell off
        a tree and misplaced her hip.
    15) Please excuse Ray Friday.  He has very loose vowels.
    16) Please excuse Blanch from jim today.  She is administrating.
    17) George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.
    18) Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout.
    19) Please excuse Wayne for being out yesterday, because he had the fuel.
    20) Please excuse Sarah for being absent.  She was sick and I had her
    21) Irving was absent this morning because he missed his bust.
    22) Mary Ann was absent December 11-16 because she has a fever, sore
        throat, headache, and upset stomach.  Her sister was also sick, fever
        and sore throat, her brother has a low grade fever and ached all
        over.  I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever.  There must be
        the flu going around, her father even got hot last night.
               Alles Touristen and Non-technischen Lookens Peepers!

         Das machine control is nicht fur Gerfingerpoken, Mittengrabben,
    Knobbentwisten, Buttonpushin, Dialenturnin, und Switchenthrowen.  Oderwise
    is easy to Schnappen der Spriggenwerk, Blowenfuze, and Poppencorken causen
    das Spitzensparken, Sparkenflyen, Smokenrollen, und der Ownercussen.  Der
    machine is diggen by Experten only.  Ist nicht fur geverken by das
    Dumnkopfen.  Das Rubbernecken Sightseenen sittenzi back, keepen das
    cottenpicken hands in das pockets und watchen das Blinkenlight und hearen
    das beepen noisen.  Danke.

                            Humor Digest - September 90

                            UnCategorized Ethnic Stuff

    Two Scottish homosexuals: Ben Doon and Phil MacAvity
    New lotto game in Texas...

    The winner gets a dollar a year for a million years...
    For these jokes you will need a piece of paper or a blackboard.

    1)  write these lines:       TTT (apple)
                                 TTT (apple)
                                 TTTFUCK (watermelon)

    Show this to a person an relate this story.  (draw an apple and

         It was Ms.  Johnson's first day at the new school.  When she walked
    in she saw this on the blackboard (point to the first line).  She asked
    her new class who wrote this on the board.  Mary Jane raised her hand,
    Ms.  Johnson then asked what it meant.  Mary Jane explained it means "To
    The Teacher 1 apple." Ms.  Johnson said, "That's adorable" and continued
         The next day, Ms.  Johnson arrived in class and saw this on the
    blackboard (point to the second line).  Again she asked who wrote this on
    the board and what it meant.  Johnny raised his hand and explained that it
    meant "To The Teacher 1 apple."
         The next day Ms.  Johnson walked into the classroom and saw this on
    the board (point to third line) and almost fainted from shock.  She
    recovered and quietly asked the class who wrote this, from the back of the
    class Leroy raised his hand.  Ms.  Johnson asked him to come up and
    explain this.  Leroy came up to the front of the class turned around and
    said, "It means, To The Teacher From Us Colored Kids 1 Watermelon"

    2) Write this on a piece of paper "FI FY FO" now show it to a person and
    ask them to write then next line in a different order.  Then have them
    write it one more time and in a different order than the last line.  They
    will come up with something like this:

                       FI  FY  FO
                       FY  FO  FI
                       FO  FI  FY

    Now have the person speak the lines, and then ask them what it means.  If
    they don't know tell them it's Mike Tyson's phone number.
                         Did you hear about the who:

     1) Spend four days in Sears looking for wheels for a miscarriage?
     2) Took his expectant wife to the grocery store because they had free
     3) Looked in a lumber yard for the draft board?
     4) Put iodine on his paycheck because he got a cut in pay?
     5) Was so lazy he married a pregnant woman?
     6) Was feeling so low he got his face slapped?

                            Humor Digest - September 90

                            UnCategorized Ethnic Stuff

     7) Wouldn't go out with his wife because he heard she was married?
     8) Thought his typewriter was pregnant cause it missed a period?
     9) Wore a union suit because his wife was having labor pains?
    10) Thought the expression "No kidding" meant birth control?
    11) Who smelled good only on the right side because he didn't know where
        to buy Left Guard?
    12) Studied for five days for a urine test?

                            Humor Digest - September 90

                             UnCategorized Gross Stuff

                                  Mommy Mommy...

    "Mommy Mommy, Why can't we bury the puppy?"
         "Shut up, and keep flushing!"

    "Mommy Mommy, why are we out in this boat?"
         "Shut up and tie the concrete blocks back on your feet!"

    "Mommy Mommy, why can't we get a garbage disposal?"
         "Shut up and keep chewing!"

    "Mommy Mommy, why is Daddy running so fast?"
         "Shut up and reload!"

    "Mommy, Mommy, I don't want hamburgers."
         "Shut up and stick your hand back in the grinder."

    "Mommy, Mommy, what's a transvestite?"
         "Shut up, Billy, and put on your dress."

                            Humor Digest - September 90

                                UnCategorized Stuff

         The following may help Parents better understand their youngsters'
    school report card.

     1) Satisfactory progress...       I can't think of a single interesting
                                       thing about him/her.
     2) A born leader...               Mafia "Godfather" type.
     3) Easy going...                  Bone idle.
     4) Lively nature...               Thoroughly disruptive.
     5) Good progress...               If you think present work is bad, you
                                       should have seen it a year ago.
     6) A sensitive child...           Never stops whining.
     7) Helpful...                     Ass kisser.
     8) Reliable...                    Grasses on his mates.
     9) Co-operative...                Teacher's pet.
    10) Adventurous...                 Could break his neck before the year
                                       is over
    11) Has difficulty forming
        stable relationships...        I can't stand him/her either.
    12) Self confident...              Cheeky little bastard.
    13) Good at contact sports...      Thug.
    14) Fond of music...               Anything to get out of work.
    15) Suffers from minor ailments... Truants regularly.
    16) Friendly...                    Never shuts up.
    17) Easily distracted...           Hasn't produced a decent piece of
                                       work all year.
    18) Works best in small group...   I dare not take my eyes off him/her.
    19) Imaginative...                 Careless with the truth.
    20) Needs encouragement...         Thick as a brick.
    21) Expresses himself clearly...   Swears like a trooper.
    22) Keen to do well...             Egotistical.
    23) Work is of a high standard...  Has ambitious middle-class parents.
    24) Does not easily
        accept authority...            Potential criminal.
    25) Is easily upset...             Spoiled rotten.
    26) Often appears tired...         Stays up until all hours watching
                                       late movies, or is into glue sniffing.
    27) Good at practical activities...Illiterate.
    28) A rather solitary child...     Has B. O. or nits.
    29) Clever with his hands...       Light fingered.
    30) Independent minded...          For "independent" read "bloody."
    31) Enjoys extra-curricular
        activities...                  Flogs fags and dope.
    32) Determined...                  Completely lacking all scruples.
    33) Inclined to day dream...       In one ear and out the other.
    34) A good sense of humor...       Teases other kids unmercifully.
    35) Enjoys all P. E. activities... Muscle bound moron.
    36) Reads well aloud...            In love with his/her own voice.
    37) A quiet child...               Lacks self confidence and initiative.
    38) Easily influenced...           The class fall guy.
    39) Popular with classmates...     Brings in dad's girlie magazines.
    40) A vivid imagination...         Never short of an excuse.
    41) An inquisitive mind...         Caught playing "Doctors and Nurses."
    42) Forging his way steadily

                            Humor Digest - September 90

                                UnCategorized Stuff

        ahead...                       Cheats all the time.
    43) Is dyslexic...                 Blind as a bat.
    44) Artistic...                    Exponent of graffiti.
    45) Likes to proceed in
        his own way...                 Mulishly obstinate.
    46) Open to suggestion...          No mind of his own.

                            A further note to parents:
               DO NOT allow your childs' grandparents to read this!
                        TIME FLIES...  When your in a coma!
         Did you hear that the French are planting trees along the Champs De
    Elysee in Paris?  Why?  Because the Germans like to March in the Shade.
         It's sunday and the Priest calls in sick.  Unfortunately there is no
    one else to come in, so the poor guy has no choice but to come in feeling
    bad.  The alter boy decides to help ease the pain by putting a bit of
    vodka in the holy water.  The Priest thanks the boy, and in the end
    completes the service feeling quite refreshed.
         After the sermon the grand bishop hands him a note:

    Dear John,

    1) Sip, do not gulp the holy water.
    2) The cross is not the big T.
    3) The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with a cherry!"
    4) David did not "Beat the shit out of Goliath!"
    5) It's a "Taffy pulling contest at St.  Peters." Not a "Peter pulling
       contest at Taffys."
    6) The Father, Son and the Holy ghost is not "The Dork the Brat and the

    Thank you, The Grand Bishop
         It gets so dry in West Texas most summers, you can't tell whether
    dogs are breeding or just trying to prime each other so they can piss on
    the tree.
         A proctologist goes to write a prescription.  He pulls a thermometer
    out of his pocket, looks at it and exclaims "Dang it, some asshole has my

                            Humor Digest - September 90

                            UnCategorized Sexual Stuff

                                    MOUSE BALLS

    (This text ACTUALLY came out of an IBM service database.  Of course it is
    referring to the rubber ball inside a computer mouse...)

    Abstract: MOUSE BALLS NOW AVAILABLE AS F.R.U.  (Field Replacement Unit)

         Text: Mouse Balls are now available as a F.R.U.  If a mouse fails to
    operate or should perform erratically, it may be in need of ball replace
    replacement.  Because of the delicate nature of this procedure,
    replacement of mouse balls should be attempted by trained personnel only.
         Before ordering, determine type of mouse balls required by examining
    the underside of each mouse.  Domestic balls will be larger and harder
    than foreign balls.  Ball removal procedures differ, depending upon
    manufacturer of the mouse.  Foreign balls can be replaced using the
    pop-off method and domestic balls replaced using the twist-off method.
    Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive, however, excessive handling
    can result in sudden discharge.
         Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used
         It is recommended that each serviceman have a pair of balls for
    maintaining optimum customer satisfaction and that any customer missing
    missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these
    necessary functional items.
         P/N 33F8462 - Domestic Mouse Balls
         P/N 33F8461 - Foreign Mouse Balls
         In the Garden of Eden, Adam was a fast-food salesman, and Eve was a
    carpenter.  Know how I know?  She made Adam's hot dog stand.
         Sex is like a poker game...  You give in when you find out she has a
    nice pair and fold when you're done.
    GUY #1: I believe all women should only masturbate with these two
            fingers!  (Holds up first 2 fingers)
    GUY #2: Why is that?
    GUY #1: Because they're mine.
    Another meaning for A.I.D.S.  "Ass Infected!  Don't Screw."
                             The Official Sex IQ Test
                   State whether the following is true or false.

     1) A Clitoris is a type of flower.
     2) A Pubic hair is a wild rabbit.
     3) A Vulva is a Swedish automobile.
     4) Spread Eagle is an extinct bird.
     5) A Fallopian Tube is part of a TV set.
     6) It is dangerous to have a wet dream while sleeping on an electric
     7) Vagina is a medical term used to describe heart trouble.
     8) Fellatio is an Italian dessert.
     9) A menstrual cycle has three wheels.

                            Humor Digest - September 90

                            UnCategorized Sexual Stuff

    10) A G String is found on a violin.
    11) Semen is another word for sailors.
    12) Anus is the Latin for yearly.
    13) Testicles are found on an octopus.
    14) Cunnilingus is a person who speaks four languages.
    15) Asphalt describes rectal trouble.
    16) KOTEX is a radio station in Texas.
    17) Masturbate is used to catch a large fish.
    18) Coitus is a musical instrument.
    19) Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke.
    20) An Umbilical cord is part of a parachute.
    21) A condom is an apartment complex.
    22) When you miss a period you can use a Semi Colon.
    23) Vas Deferens is black slang for greatly dissimilar.
    24) An orgasm is the person who accompanies the choir in church.
    25) A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry.
    26) The Labia Majora is a mountain range in Argentina.
    27) A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle.
    28) An erection is when the Japanese vote for their new government.
    29) Premature ejaculation occurs when a paratroopers parachute opens too
    30) A Lesbian is a person from the Middle East.
    31) Pornography is the business of making record albums.
    32) Genitals are people of non Jewish origin.
    33) A phallus is a story that isn't true.
    34) An enema is someone who is not your friend.
    35) Douche is the Italian word for twelve.
    36) Ovaries area French dish made with eggs.
    Did you hear about the lesbians that started a contracting company?

    They don't use studs...  everything is tongue and groove!

                            Humor Digest - September 90

                                    Clean Jokes

         There was this couple who were running late preparing for the big
    party, and it just so happened that the husband had on a pair of trousers
    that had a buttoned fly, one button of which had come off and needed
         The wife simply did not have the time to tend to it so she suggested
    he run across the street to have her lady friend take care of the matter.
         And so he did.
         A little bit later he came back with the button sewn on all right,
    but he was terribly beaten up.
         "Good grief!  What in the world happened to you!  You just went over
    there for the button to be sewed on, and now look at you!"
         "Well, when I told her what I wanted done she said to take a seat and
    that it would just take her a second.  So I sat down and she began sewing
    on the button.  Everything was just going along just fine until she bent
    over to bite off the thread and her husband came in the door."
         A woman comes home to her husband, traps him in the bedroom, and
    says, "Take off my blouse."
         He does so.
         Then she says, "Take off my skirt."
         Which he does.
         "Take off my panties, my stockings, my bra, everything!"
         And he complies.
         "Now, "she strictly says to him, "If I catch you wearing any of my
    things again I'll divorce you."
         The saleswoman watched as a teen-ager twirled in front of the mirror.
         "I adore this dress!" bubbled the girl.  "It's absolutely perfect!
    I'll take it!"
         Then the young shopper paused thoughtfully, "But in case my mother
    likes it, can I bring it back?"
         A lady, about seven months pregnant, got onto a streetcar and sat
    down upon which she noticed the man opposite her smiling.  Feeling
    humiliated, she changed her seat.
         This time his smile turned into a grin, so she changed her seat
    again.  The man seemed more amused than ever, so again she moved, and
    immediately the man burst into laughter.
         Feeling highly insulted the woman complained to the conductor who had
    the man arrested.
         The case came up in court and the judge asked the man if he had
    anything to say, whereupon the man replied:
         "Well your honor, it was this way.  When the lady got on the car I
    could not help but notice her condition, which in itself did not amuse me
    a bit, but when she sat down under a sign that read "THE GOLD DUST TWINS
    ARE COMING," I had to smile.
         Then when she moved and sat down under another sign which read
         Then she got up and moved under a sign that read "WILLIAMS STICK DID
    IT!" I thought that was about the limit.
         The final straw was when she got up again and moved under the sign
    lost control of myself!"

                             Humor Digest - October 90

                                    Clean Jokes

         There was this guy who was almost late for his written English exam
    because he had to stop at the school's book store to pickup a Blue Book.
         Anyway, he makes it to class just in time to hear the prof's
    instructions; "You all will have 1 hour for this exam.  When the buzzer
    sounds stop writing and bring your exam booklet to the front of the room
    and place them on my desk.  You may begin."
         Well, an hour had passed and the buzzer sounded.  All exam booklets
    where placed on the prof's desk except our friend's booklet; he continued
    working beyond the time limit.
         When he finally finished, he walked up to the prof's desk and asked,
    "Would you please except my booklet sir?"
         Naturally, the prof said no.
         The guy then looks the prof straight in the eye and with an confident
    smurk asked, "Do you know who I am?"
         "No." said the prof.
         "Good!" responses the guy.  He then lifts half the stack of exam
    booklets on the desk, shoves his booklet between the stack, and takes off
         A man with a very deep and husky voice goes into a doctor's office to
    find out a way to raise it a little.  He learns that his long penis is the
         The doctor suggests that the only way to solve the problem is to take
    a section out of the middle, and graft the remaining parts together.
    After reassurance that this will not affect his sex life, the man agrees.
         Months after the operation, he goes back to the doctor and asks,
    "What do you do with the sections that you take out?"
         The doctor replies in a deep husky voice, "Oh, we make good use of
         Somewhere I read a story of a woman who wanted a divorce.  She went
    to the courthouse and appeared before the judge.  The judge reviewed her
    petition and asked, "Do you have grounds?"
         The woman looked at him quizzically and said, "Grounds?  Well, yes,
    your Honor, we do have about an acre and a half."
         "No," said the judge, "What I mean is, do you have a grudge?"
         The bewildered woman replied, "No, we just have a carport."
         The judge was becoming frustrated.  "You're not getting the point,"
    he said.  "Does he beat you up?"
         The woman replied, "Oh, no I'm up at 6:30 and he doesn't get up until
         The judge was exasperated.  He looked at the woman and asked "Look,
    lady, why are you here?  What reason do you have for wanting a divorce?"
         The woman replied, "Because my husband and I have a communication
         An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came
    upon a casket containing a mummy.  After examining it, he called the
    curator of a prestigious natural-history museum.
         "I've just discovered a 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died of
    heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.
         To which the curator replied, "Bring him in.  We'll check it out."
         A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist.  "You were

                             Humor Digest - October 90

                                    Clean Jokes

    right about the mummy's age and cause of death.  How in the world did you
         "Easy.  There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000
    Shekels on Goliath'."
         This skydiver made his fifty-second jump, and when he pulled his
    ripcord, nothing happened.
         "Damn!" he yelled, and pulled his reserve chute ripcord.  Nothing
         "Well, dammit," he said, "if this is my last fall, I'm going to enjoy
         So, he was just grooving on the familiar sensations of the ground
    rushing up and the wind against his face, when suddenly he saw a figure
    rising up from the ground towards him.  As it got closer, he saw that it
    was a man with a burnt match in his hand.  The man reached the top of his
    arc and started to fall alongside the skydiver.
         "Hey!" the skydiver yelled.  "You know anything about parachutes?"
         "No," the newcomer yelled back.  "Do you know anything about propane
         The Jewish grandmother was terribly proud of her four-month-old
    grandson, so she took him with her down to Miami Beach.  The first morning
    she got him all decked out, and down they went to the beach, where she set
    him by the shore to play.  But no sooner had she sat down in her beach
    chair than a huge tidal wave rose up and swept the baby away.
         "God," she said, standing up and shaking her fist at the sky, "You
    aren't very nice!  Here was this little baby boy, who has been out of his
    mothers womb for barely four months.  We haven't even had time to get to
    know him or give him a happy life."
         In another instant the wave returned, setting the infant down
    unharmed on the sand.
         The grandmother looked him over, looked right back at the sky, and
    snapped, "He had a hat!"
         In the fabled Kotiki city of glass, a group of 'anthropologists' came
    to visit.  The King got word of this, and realized that these
    'anthropologists' were there just to steal rare Kotiki artifacts that they
    could to sell to museums back in America.
         He was determined to keep his prized gold throne from American hands
    at all costs so he had the throne taken from his palace and dragged by
    slave-laborers to his fantastic Tower of Glass in the hills, where the
    thieves would never come upon it.
         Unfortunately, the Americans stumbled upon the Tower of Glass, and
    easily saw the huge throne behind the transparent walls of the building.
    They stole it that night and made off.
         The next day, the King was furious, asking his advisors how such a
    theft was possible.
         "Well, great King," explained an advisor, "you shouldn't stow thrones
    in glass houses!"

                             Humor Digest - October 90

                                   Ethnic Jokes

         I met my friend Louie the other day and said to him, "Hi, Louie!"
         He says, "Man, don't you never call me Louie again.  From now on you
    call me Lucky Louie."
         I says, "Ok, Lucky Louie it is, but why?"
         He says, "Man, I was walking down the street the other day, and a
    piano they was hoisting up to the third story window come loose from its
    rope and smashed down right behind me.  If I'd been three feet back, I'd a
    been mashed to hamburger.  So you call me Lucky Louie."
         So I met him again the other day and says to him, "Hi ya Lucky
         He says to me, "Man, don't you never call me Lucky Louie again!  From
    now on, you call me Lucky Lucky Louie."
         I says to him, "Ok, Lucky Lucky Louie it is, but why?"
         He says, "Man, I was walking across the street the other day, and
    this jerk in his car, he comes around through the red light, and he
    doesn't see me, and runs right through the street in front of me.  If I'd
    a been three feet earlier, I'd a been mashed to hamburger.  So from now on
    you call me Lucky Lucky Louie."
         Again I met the guy and says to him, "Hi ya, Lucky Lucky Louie!"
         And, as you can guess, he again says to me, "Man, don't you never
    call me Lucky Lucky Louie again.  From now own you call me Lucky Lucky
    Lucky Louie."
         And so like an idiot, I ask him, "Ok, why should I call you now Lucky
    Lucky Lucky Louie?"
         And he says to me, "Man, the other night me and the lady, we were
    getting it on there on her sofa there in the living room, and all of a
    sudden, her chandelier gets loose from the ceiling and falls down and hits
    me right in the butt!  I had to go to the hospital and get me three
         "Now wait a minute, you want me to call you Lucky Lucky Lucky Louie
    because you got three stiches on your butt?"
         "Yeah, man, cause if that chandelier had fallen just five minutes
    earlier, it would have busted my head!"
         Once upon a time a young man went to consult his family physician for
    a singular medical problem.  When he went to stool he passed a tremendous
    amount of gas that came out in a long puff of sound.  To be blunt, when he
    farted the gas made a long and deep sound like a basso profundo singing
    the word 'HONDA.' It sounded just like his anus was advertising a line of
    japanese automobiles.
         The doctor stated that this was indeed a very strange ailment, and
    being a general practitioner, sent the young man to a gastrointerologist
         The specialist was equally puzzled, but realizing that the sound was
    japanese in tone, said that he had a colleague who had graduated from the
    university of Tokyo medical school who had excellent credentials in the
    field of gastrology and would like to have him examine the patient.
         The man went to see the japanese doctor who, right off the bat said,
    "Open your mouth."
         The patient said, "But doc, it's my anus that is giving me the
         The japanese doctor said, "I know that, but open your mouth."
         After a cursory examination of the mouth the japanese doctor told the
    patient he had an abscessed tooth and to go to a dentist and have it

                             Humor Digest - October 90

                                   Ethnic Jokes

         The young man thought the doctor was nuts because he had no trouble
    with his teeth and also figured that his teeth had nothing to do with his
    anus, but he was desperate so he went to the dentist.
         The dentist x-rayed his mouth, found the abscessed tooth, yanked it
    out and sent the young man on his way.  Afterwards his anus stopped
    singing "HONDA."
         He went back to his doctor and told him of his strange experience.
         His doctor went to the doctor from Japan and asked him what a bad
    tooth had to do with a singing anus.
         The japanese doctor said, "It was very simple.  In Japan we all know
    that 'with abscess the fart goes Honda.'"
         A good-looking woman passed by this Indian and he raised his right
    hand and said, "Chance."
         The woman stopped for a moment, then said, "Wait a minute.  I've read
    about Indians before, you're supposed to say 'How'."
         To which the indian replied, "I already know how lady, I just want a
         There was a man from the old country who had struggled up from
    poverty and became a millionaire.  He started out as a boy selling hotdogs
    for five cents apiece out of a buggy and forty years later he was the
    largest meat packer in the area.
         He had a factory seven blocks long, five blocks wide and seven
    stories high.  He had a wife who was better than a thousand dollar a night
    woman in bed and she could cook better than Oscar of the Waldorf.  He
    lived like a king and wanted for nothing.
         This man was Ginsburg, the meat packer.  The only fly in his soup was
    his dumb son Donny.  The dumb shmuck of a son did not graduate high school
    until he was 26 years old.  He was really stupid.
         The old man was bound and determined that Donny would have a college
    degree.  So Ginsburg bought a university, bribed the professors to teach
    the kid how to be successful at cheating on examinations and hired tutors.
    Finally, when the kid was 44 years old he called old man ginsburg from
    school and told his old man that he finally graduated and got his degree.
         The old man was thrilled and said, "Come home fast.  I have a real
    big surprise for you."
         Donny answered, "It probably ain't nothing.  No big deal, but I am
    coming home."
         As soon as Donny came home Ginsburg drove him to the packing plant
    and pointed to the roof.  There stood a neon sign three blocks long and
    four stories high and it said in real big letters, 'GINSBURG AND SON MEAT
         The old man said "You're now a partner.  You like this?"
         Donny answered, "That ain't nothing.  No big deal."
         The old man was dismayed at the attitude of his son but said nothing.
         Ginsburg took Donny into the main office suite where there was money
    laying all over the floor.  Clerks were scooping the money up with snow
    shovels, baling it like waste paper, weighing the bales of money on big
    scales and putting the bales on dump trucks to take it to the bank.
         The old man said, "You are a partner now.  It's all half yours.  You
    like this?"
         Donny said, "This ain't much.  No big deal."

                             Humor Digest - October 90

                                   Ethnic Jokes

         Ginsburg began to boil but said nothing and took Donny on a tour of
    the plant.  He showed him a machine five blocks long.  At one end cowboys
    were driving whole herds of cattle into the machine.  At the other end of
    the machine out came chops, roasts, steaks, leather shoes and coats,
    belts, and soupbones.  Furthermore, everything was neatly packaged in
    saran wrap and priced.  The old man said, "I designed and built this
    machine and it is standard in the industry now.  It cost me forty million
    dollars.  Its half yours now.  You like this?"
         Donny answered, "No big deal.  It ain't very much."
         The old man was ready to boil over but said nothing.
         They came to the next machine and it was six blocks long.  At one end
    men were dumping whole truckloads of pigs into a funnel that was four
    stories high.  Five blocks down was coming out all kinds of sausages.
    Smoked, salted, pickled, raw, skinless and fresh.  Italian, polish,
    kosher, all kinds and in any size and shape and all were neatly packed,
    labeled and priced.
         The old man said, " I just designed this and built it myself.  It
    cost me sixty million bucks and we are now the only ones in the world that
    have one like this.  You are a partner.  It is half yours.  You like
         His son said, "No big deal.  This ain't nothing.  Why don't you
    reverse it so you can put in sausages and get live pigs."
         This was it for Ginsburg, his pot finally boiled over and he blurted
    out to his son, "Only your mother has such a machine."
         Two brothers died.  The one who had been good all his life went to
    Heaven, and the bad one went to Hell.
         The good brother was bored stiff in Heaven, and decided to look down
    and see how his brother in Hell was doing.  To his amazement, he saw his
    bad brother with one arm around a beautiful woman, and the other hand
    holding a whiskey bottle.
         The good brother went to St.  Peter and asked why his brother, who
    had been bad all his life, was having such a good time, while he was bored
    stiff in Heaven.
         St.  Peter replied; "Things are not always what they seem.  The
    bottle has a hole in it, the woman doesn't."
         A gentleman, upon boarding his plane for his flight to Chicago, found
    himself seated beside the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen.
         A conversation began between the two, and she revealed that she held
    a doctorate in Anthropology, and that she had studied all over the world.
         She told the gentleman that her studies revealed that American
    Indians had the largest penises, and that the Jews were the best lovers.
         As they fastened their seat belts prior to landing in Chicago, the
    gorgeous woman stated.  "We have talked all the way here, and I don't even
    know your name."
         The gentleman replied, "Tonto Horowitz."
         An elderly man and his decrepit wife were touring Louisiana in their
    Pace Arrow.  They pulled into a rural gas station where they were greeted
    by the attendant.
         "What do you need?" he asked.
         "Fill up," said the old man.
         "HUH?" asked the wife.

                             Humor Digest - October 90

                                   Ethnic Jokes

         "He said what do we need!" answered the man loudly so that his
    somewhat deaf wife could hear.
         While the gas was pumping, the attendant asked the old man if he
    would like the windshield cleaned.
         "HUH?" asked the wife.
         "He asked if we wanted the windshield washed!" answered her husband.
         Making small talk while he wiped the windshield, the attendant asked
    the old man where they were from.
         "Alabama," he answered.  The attendant said, "I had the worst piece
    of ass in my life in Alabama."
         "HUH?" asked the wife.
         "He said he thinks he knows you!" exclaimed the husband.
         Then there was the guy who spilled hot coffee on his pecker on the
    morning of his wedding.  He made an emergency appointment with the do