Сборники Художественной, Технической, Справочной, Английской, Нормативной, Исторической, и др. литературы.

The collection anecdote's 3

** 001
    The young girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother  on
her  first visit home since starting college. "Mom, I have to tell you,"
the girl confessed. "I lost my virginity last weekend."
    "I'm  not  surprised,"  said  her  mother.  "It was bound to happen
sooner or  later.  I  just  hope  it  was  a  romantic  and  pleasurable
    "Well, yes and no," the pretty student remarked. "The  first  eight
guys felt great, but after them my pussy got real sore."

** 002
    "Adam," the heavenly voice called to the Garden of Eden, "what  did
you and Eve do today?"
    "We ate some fruit, Lord," Adam said reverently.
    "Did you eat of the forbidden tree?" asked God.
    "Yes, Lord, we did," Adam confessed.
    "And then what did you do?" God asked.
    "We made mad, passionate love all afternoon."
    "Where is Eve now?" the Lord bellowed.
    "She's down at the brook washing herself out."
    "Oh,  no,"  the  Lord  moaned." Now all the fish are going to smell
like that!"

** 003
    Q: How does a Mexican know when it's time to eat again?
    A: His asshole stops burning.

** 004
    Two guys wandered into a  bar.  One  of  the  men  shouted  to  the
barkeeper,"Hiya,  Mike.  Set  'em  up  for  me and my pal here." Then he
turned to his slightly dim partner and boasted, "This is  a  great  bar.
For  every  two drinks you buy, the house gives you one. And the pinball
machines in the back are free!"
    "That's  not  so great,"responded the friend. "There's a bar across
town That'll match you drink for drink, and you can get laid in the back
for free."
    "Where is this place?" the first guy exclaimed.
    "Oh, I don't know," the dim fellow replied, "but my wife goes there
all the time."

** 005
    An Israeli was sitting between two Arabs on a long airplane flight.
He had just removed his shoes and gotten comfortable  when  one  of  the
Arabs  nudged  him  and said,"Hey, Jew, go get us some orange juice." To
avoid any trouble, the Israeli did so. When he left, both Arabs spit  in
his shoes.
    The Israeli came back with the juice, which the Arabs gulped  down.
The rest of the flight was uneventful. The plane landed, and the Israeli
put on his shoes and felt the squishing inside. He turned to  the  Arabs
and  said,"If  there  is  ever going to be peace in the Middle East, the
Arabs will have to stop spitting in the shoes of Jews, and the Jews will
have to stop pissing in the Arabs' orange juice."

** 006
    Three doctors were talking about the amazing things being  done  in
medicine.  The  first  said,"Six  weeks ago a man came in after losing a
hand in an accident just as a car crash victim was brought  in  dead  on
arrival.  I  took  a hand from the dead man and sewed it on the worker's
stump, and today he's out looking for a job."
    The  second physician said,"That's not so amazing. Six months ago I
gave a blind man a pair of dead man's eyes, and today he's  out  looking
for a job."
    The third doctor said,"Neither of those cases tops this one. A year
and a half ago we took an asshole out of California, put it in the White
House, and today everybody is out looking for a job."

** 007
    A  well  dressed  lawyer  went  into  a bar for a martini and found
himself beside a scrungy-looking drunk who kept  mumbling  and  studying
something  in  his hand. The attorney leaned closer while the drunk held
the tiny object up to the light, slurring "Well, it looks like plastic."
Then  he  rolled  it  between  his  fingers,  adding,"But  it feels like
    Curious, the lawyer asked, "What do you have there mister?"
    The drunk stammered,"Damn if I know, but it looks like plastic  and
feels like rubber."
    The lawyer said,"Let me take a look." And the drunk handed it over.
The  attorney  rolled it between his thumb and fingers, then examined it
closely. "Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like  rubber,  but  I
don't know what it is. Where did you get it anyway?"
    The drunk replied, "Outa my nose."

** 008 Q: What do you get when you cross a Mexican and  a  pig?  A:
Nothing. There are some things even a pig won't do.

** 009
    Q: How do you know when your girlfriend is too fat?
    A: When she sits on your face and you can't hear the stereo

** 010
    Q: What's the difference between black pussy and a bowling ball?
    A: You can eat a bowling ball!

** 011
    With the sun beginning to rise,  the  cabin  of  the  jetliner  was
suddenly  illuminated.  "Who  turned  on  the  fucking  lights?"  a male
passenger, who had been surly since boarding, snarled at a stewardess.
    The girl had had enough of this particular character."These are the
breakfast lights, sir," she answered with forced sweetness. "The fucking
lights are much dimmer, and you snored right through them."

** 012
    "Brace yourself, Mr. Cassidy," the physician told  the  patient  on
whom he had performed a battery of costly tests. "You have approximately
six months to live."
    "But  I  don't  have insurance, doctor," said Cassidy, "and I can't
skimp and save enough to pay you in that time!"
    "All  right,  all  right," soothed the medical man. "Let's say nine
months, then."

** 013
    Three  women  -  a  German,  a Jew and a Polack - all gave birth to
seven-pound baby boys at the same time. The nurses got the babies  mixed
up  somehow and couldn't tell which baby belonged to which mother. After
an hour of mass confusion the father of the  German  baby  decided  he'd
settle  the  problem.  He walked into the nursery and lined up the three
infants in a row. He clicked his heels,  raised  his  arm  and  shouted,
"Heil  Hitler!"  The  German  baby snapped to attention, the Jewish baby
shit, and the Polack baby played in it.

** 014
    Even  though  a  fellow was late for his flight, he dashed into the
airport men's room, pissed, and quickly headed for the door. At  one  of
the  sinks  a  Marine  sergeant  was  washing his hands. The Leatherneck
called to the man, "Hey, buddy, in the Marine Corps  they  teach  us  to
wash our hands after going to the bathroom."
    The fellow stepped back into the  men's  room  and  looked  at  the
Marine.  "Well, I was in the Navy, Sarge, and they taught us not to piss
on our hands!"

** 015
    A  man was walking down the street with a baby ape in his arms when
a friend stopped him and asked what he was doing with the chimp. "I just
bought  this  ape  as  a pet. We have no children; so he's going to live
with us - just like one of the family. He'll eat at the same table  with
us. He'll even sleep in the same bed with me and my wife."
    "But what about the smell?" the friend asked.
    "Oh, he'll just have to get used to it, the same way I did."

** 016
    Bill had just returned from a week of honeymooning,  and  his  best
friend  asked  him  how it went. "The first night we did it nine times,"
Bill said."The second night, eight times. The third night, seven  times.
The  fourth  night,  six  times.  The fifth night, five times. The sixth
night, four times, and the last night, nothing!"
    "Nothing?" his pal asked. "How come?"
    "Hey, you ever tried putting a marshmallow in a parking meter?"

** 017
    A  man  who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next
to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with  red
lipstick,  and  a  half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn
coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and  began  reading.  After  a  few
minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father,
what causes arthritis?"
    "Mister,  it's  caused  by  loose  living, being with cheap, wicked
women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."
    "Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
    The priest, thinking about what he had said,  nudged  the  man  and
apologized.  "I'm  very  sorry.  I didn't mean to come on so strong. How
long have you had arthritis?"
    "I  don't  have  it,  Father. I was just reading here that the Pope

** 018
    Two high-school buddies were attending the senior prom. "Suzy wants
to go out to my car. She's  really  hot,"  one  boy  said.  "I'm  really
nervous. I know I'll goof up!"
    "Take it easy," his friend  assured  him.  "All  you  gotta  do  is
compliment  her.  Chicks love to be complemented. You'll have her in the
palm of your hand."
    About  a  half-hour  later the young man came back, rubbing a black
eye. "Shit, man! What happened to you?!" his buddy asked.
    "I took your advice."
    "Didn't you compliment her?"
    "sure  I did. We got in my car and started kissing. I told her that
for such full lips, hers sure tasted sweet.  She  liked  that.  After  a
while  I  started  feeling  her tits, and I told her that for such large
breasts they sure were firm. She like that too."
    "It sounds like you were doing great," his friend said.
    "Well," the other answered, "that's when everything went  wrong.  I
got  her  dress  up and her panties off, and I tried to think of another
    "What did you say?"
    "For such a large crack, it doesn't stink much."

** 019
    While  sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his
boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the
overturned  craft.  Spotting  and old beachcomber standing on the shore,
the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!"
    "Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
    "Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming  leisurely  toward  the
shore.  About  halfway  there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the
    "We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.
    "The sharks got 'em."

** 020
    A  gambler was telling a friend about his first junket to Las Vegas
and how hard it was to get any sleep. "I was awakened at  one,  two  and
four  in  the  morning  by  a  drunk chorus girl banging on the door and
screaming," he recalled.
    "That's terrible," the friend said." How'd you ever get any sleep?"
    "At five o'clock I finally unlocked the door and let her out,"  the
gambler laughed.

** 021
    Two ferocious cannibal chiefs sat licking  their  fingers  after  a
large meal.
    "Your wife makes a delicious roast,"one chief said.
    "Thanks," his friend said."I'm gonna miss her."

** 022
    From the outset, the blind date was a fiasco and it was intensified
by  the  fact  that  the  fellow  was  too intensitive and ego-ridden to
realize it. The moment of truth came in the supper club as  he  clutched
the girl's thigh and whispered, "Baby, how's about our cutting out to my
pad so I can slip you nine inches?"
    There was a moment of silence, and then the girl said, "You know, I
really don't think you could get it up three times in a row!"

** 023
    After  a  wild freeway chase, the motorcycle cop waved the speeding
sports car over to the curb. When he walked up to the drivers window, he
was  surprised  to  find  a  very  attractive  redhead behind the wheel.
"Ma'am," he said ."I'm  afraid  we're  going  to  have  to  give  you  a
Breathalyzer test to see whether or not you've been drinking."
    The test was taken and as the officer eyed the  results,  he  said,
"Lady, you've had a couple of stiff ones."
    "That's amazing!"the girl cried."You mean it shows that, too!"

** 024
    The  blind  daters  had  really  hit  it  off and at the end of the
evening, as they were beginning to undress each other in his  apartment,
the  fellow said, "Before we go any further, Charmaine, tell me - do you
have any special fetishes that I should take into account in bed?"
    "As a matter of fact," smiled the girl, "I do happen to have a foot
fetish - but I suppose I'd settle for maybe seven or eight inches."

** 025
    Visiting a lawyer for advice, the wife said, "I want you to help me
obtain a divorce. My husband is getting a little queer to sleep with."
    "What  do  you  mean?"  asked  the  attorney. "Does he force you to
indulge in unusual sex practices?"
    "No,  he  doesn't," replied the woman, "and neither does the little

** 026
    The  nervous  young  bride  became irritated by her husband's lusty
advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely. "I  demand
proper  manners  in  bed,"  she  declared,  "just  as I do at the dinner
    Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair
and climbed quietly between the sheets. "Is that better?" he asked, with
a hint of a smile."
    "Yes," replied the girl, "much better."
    "Very  good,  darling," the husband whispered. "Now would you be so
kind as to please pass the pussy."

** 027
    It  was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife decided to take
in the zoo. They spent the day, and at closing time they walked past the
gorilla cage, and the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife.
    "That gorilla is getting excited just looking  at  your  tits,"  he
said. "Why don't you take your blouse off and we'll see what he does?"
    At first she declined. But finally persuaded by  her  husband,  she
took  off her blouse and bra. The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting
and jumping up and down.
    "Hey,"  the husband said, "let's really blow his mind. Take off all
your clothes and we'll see what he does."
    Again  she  said  no  and again he persuaded her. This time the ape
really went bananas! He climbed up and down the  bars,  did  flips,  ran
around in circles and tossed his food all over the cage.
    The husband went over to the cage, opened the door and  pushed  his
wife  in.  "Now,"  said  the husband, "tell that motherfucker you have a

** 028
    Marge  was  getting  pretty  upset  about  her  husband's  lack  of
attention and decided to come on a little stronger to him. After dinner,
she  put on her sexy, backless nightgown backward and sauntered into the
living room.
    "Notice anything?" she asked slyly.
    "Yes, you've got your nightgown on backward," her husband  answered
    "How could you tell?" she cooed.
    "Because the shit stains are in the front," he said.

** 029
    Q: What's dangerous & eats nuts?
    A: Syphilis.

** 030
    After his annual physical, the sexually active bachelor was waiting
in the doctor's office for the results.
    "Well," said the doctor, "I have good news and bad news for you."
    "The  way  I  feel, please give me the good news first" replied the
    "The  good  news,"  announced  the  doctor, "is that your penis has
grown an additional four inches since your last exam."
    "Great!" the man shouted. "What is the bad news?"
    "It's malignant," replied the doctor.


** 031
    Question: Why wasn't Christ born in Mexico?
    Answer:   Because they couldn't find three wise men or a virgin.

** 032
    A woman walked into a bar carrying a duck under her arm. The  local
drunk saw this and asked, "Say there, whatcha doin' with that pig?"
    "That's not a pig, stupid!" she said coldly."That's a duck."
    "I know," replied the drunk. "I was talking to the duck."

** 033
    Did you know that computer sales persons are so full of  shit  that
if they had an enema they could be buried in a shoe box!

** 034
    Three guys - a Frenchman, a German and a Polack, were sitting in  a
bar.  In  walked  a  mean  looking black guy looking for a fight. He sat
down, ordered a beer, took a drink, went over and slapped the  Frenchman
and said, "I like fucking white women."
    The Frenchman looked at him and thought,"Well, that's great."
    Then  the  big  black  guy  went over to the German, hit him on the
shoulder and said, "I like fucking white women." The  German  looked  at
him and said, "Good for you."
    The black guy sat down and took another drink of his beer.  He  got
up,  walked over to the Polack and belted him on the back, then said, "I
like fucking white women." The Polack sat and thought for a  second  and
finally  said, "I don't blame you. I don't like fucking those black ones

** 035
    A  husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute's terms.
When she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair.
    The  man shouted, "What, no wool? In my country all women have wool
down there."
    The  prostitute  snapped  back,  "What  do  you want to do, knit or

** 036
    An  old  maid  wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the
remains of her cat.
    As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, "I have a dead
    The  driver  pointed  to the woman in the seat behind him and said,
"Sit with my wife. You two have alot in common."

** 037
    A  foxy  young lady was having trouble keeping boyfriends after the
first date, so she decided to go to  a  doctor  to  find  out  what  the
problem was. The doctor asked her to take off her clothes and lie on the
examining table. He checked her pussy and, finding nothing wrong,  asked
her  to  roll  over  and  spread her ass. After checking her asshole and
again finding nothing wrong, he told her to sit up so he  could  examine
her mouth.
    Upon looking into her mouth he exclaimed,  "You've  got  the  worst
case of Zacklies I've ever seen!"
    "Zacklies?" she said, puzzled. "What's that?"
    "Your mouth smells zackly like your ass!"

** 038
    A drunk was trying to make time with a pretty girl  at  a  cocktail
party,  but she wasn't having any part of him. .. especially the part he
had in mind. After a while, to show his contempt for  her,  he  inquired
loudly, "Tell me, dear, what happens when whores get pregnant?"
    Amused, she answered, "Don't tell me you still  think  your  mother
found you under a cabbage leaf!"

** 039
    Two men were walking in the park when they came upon this dog  that
had bent itself into a weird position and was licking its balls. One man
said, "Gee! I wish I could do that."
    The  other  man  replied,  "I  think  you  better get to be friends

** 040
    After  attending  a  party  for his boss, the life of the party was
nursing a  king-size  hangover  and  asked  his  wife,  "What  the  hell
    "As usual, you made an ass of yourself  in  front  of  your  boss,"
replied the wife.
    "Piss on him," answered the husband.
    "You did," said the wife, "and he fired you."
    "Well, fuck him," said the husband.
    "I did, and you go back to work in the morning."

** 041
    Upon answering the door to her whorehouse, the madam was  surprised
to see an amputee.
    "Look at yourself," the madam said, "no arms, no legs,  what  could
you possibly do?"
    The amputee replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

** 042
    Did you hear about the new daredevil, Ku Klux Knievel?
    He's going to try to jump over 50 blacks with a steamroller!

** 043
    This  fellow  was  screwing his best friend's wife when he suddenly
stopped and sat on the edge of the bed, holding his head in his hands.
    "What the hell has happened to you?" the lady asked.
    "I feel like a regular son of a  bitch,  getting  my  best  friends
pussy," the man moaned.
    The lady reached over and patted him on the back. "Well, if  that's
all  it  is,  you  can stop worrying," she said. "You're not getting his
pussy. His pussy is five to six inches deeper."

** 044
    One  evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd
toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth.  In  the  middle  of
catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her,
a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded
in  only  pushing  it  in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and
after hours of trying they became worried  and  decided  to  go  to  the
hospital.  As  they  were  ready to go out the door, their daughter came
home  with  her  date.  After  being  informed  of  the  problem,  their
daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.
    The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two  fingers
up  the  father's  nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew,
the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for  joy.
The  mother  said to the young man, "That was wonderful. You should be a
doctor!" The ungrateful father jumped up, twisted the boy's  arm  behind
his  back  and yelled, "Doctor, my ass! He's going to be our son-in-law.
Smell his fingers!"

** 045
    One  night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down
to discover a female cat being raped by a mouse. fascinated by  what  he
saw,  the  man  gained  the mouse's confidence with some cheese and then
took him next door. The mouse repeated his amazing performance by raping
a  German  Sheppard.  The  man,  very excited by this, was dying to show
someone his discovery. He rushed home and woke up his wife but before he
could  explain,  she  saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her head with
the blanket.
    "Don't  be  afraid,  darling," said the man. "Wait until I tell you
about this."
    "Get  out  of here!" cried his wife. "And take that sex maniac with

** 046
    Three  men of the cloth - a Catholic priest, a Baptist minister and
a Rabbi - were counting collections taken during services for the  week.
They  were  trying  to come up with an equitable way to divide the money
between God (the two churches and one  synagogue)  and  themselves  (the
clerics' weekly income).
    The priest was the first to speak: "I know what! I'll draw  a  line
down  the  middle  of  the  sanctuary, toss the money up in the air, and
whatever falls on the right side of the line is  for  God  and  whatever
falls on the left side is for us."
    The Baptist minister cried, "No! No! No! I'll draw a circle in  the
middle  of  the  sanctuary,  toss  the money up in the air, and whatever
falls inside the circle is for God and whatever falls outside the circle
is for us."
    The Rabbi then asked the two other men to  accompany  him  outside.
There  he  offered  this  suggestion: "What I would do with the money is
this: Toss it up in the  air,  and  whatever  God  catches  is  His  and
whatever falls on the ground is ours."

** 047
    Two Polacks purchased a bird dog. They took the dog out to give  it
a  try.  After  a  long while one Polack said to the other, "Well, we'll
throw him up in the air one more time. If he doesn't  fly,  we'll  shoot
the son of a bitch!"

** 048
    During a big fire  downtown  the  firemen  were  having  a  bit  of
trouble.  A  woman was stuck on the fourth floor with her baby. The fire
fighters instructed her to toss the child out the  window,  under  which
they had placed a net, but the mother refused.
    Things looked grim until a tall, well-built black man burst through
the  crowd  and shouted to the women. He said that he was a professional
football player and that he could catch the baby  safely.  After  a  few
minutes  more  of  reassurances  by  the man, the mother finally let the
child drop.
    The  football  player  made  a  breathtaking  catch,  and everybody
cheered. At that moment the man suddenly raised the child  high  in  the
air, spiked it on the ground and screamed, "Touchdown!"

** 049
    A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he  approached  the
desk, the receptionist asked "Yes sir, may we help you?"
    "There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.
    The  receptionist  became  aggravated and said, "You shouldn't come
into a crowded office and say things like that."
    "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you." he said.
    "We do not use language like  that  here,"  she  said.  "Please  go
outside  and come back in and say that there's something wrong with your
ear or whatever."
    The  man  walked  out,  waited  several  minutes and reentered. The
receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
    "There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
    The receptionist nodded approvingly. "And what is wrong  with  your
ear, sir?"
    "I can't piss out of it." the man replied.

** 050
    Tired  of the boring "straights" she'd been laying, a chick decided
she'd find out if bikers were really the heavy "cocksmen" that she heard
they  were. So she picked up a gigantic bro and went went with him up to
his pad. Stripped and ready, anxiously awaiting some  real  action,  she
was  astonished  to  see  that his fully erect crank was only two inches
    "Who,"  she  demanded scornfully,"do you think you're gonna satisfy
with that?"
    Grinning confidently, the bro replied,"Me!"

** 051
    The common symptoms of swine flu are: High  fever,  upset  stomach,
occasional cramps and an irresistable urge to fuck in the mud.

** 052
    Question: How do you kill an Aggie?
    Answer:  Sneak  up on him while he's getting a drink of water, then
slam the toilet seat on his head.

** 053
    At  a  football  game  two  Texans were seated behind two nuns. One
Texan said to his friend, "I can't wait to get back to Dallas. There are
only ten Catholics there."
    His buddy replied, "I can't wait to get back to Houston. There  are
only five Catholics there."
    Finally, one of the nuns commented, "You both should  go  to  hell!
There aren't any Catholics there!"

** 054
    One day a farmer caught a traveling salesman  making  love  to  his
youngest  daughter.  Yelling  "You  son of a bitch!" he shot the amorous
salesman in the groin with a .12-gauge shotgun.
    The  screaming salesman quickly took off for town to find a doctor.
He found one, but the physician took one look at  the  man's  perforated
pecker and told him that nothing could be done for him.
    "Oh, please do something," begged the salesman. "I'm a rich man and
can pay you anything."
    "Sorry, son," said the doctor. "There's nothing I can do.  However,
there's a man across the street who might be able to help."
    "Oh? Is he a specialist?" asked the salesman.
    "No,"  said the doctor, "he's a piccolo player. He'll teach you how
to hold it without pissing in your face."

** 055
    There  was  a fellow who had never been to bed with a woman, so two
of his friends decided to play a trick on him. They bought an inflatable
love  doll and put it into his bed. Then called him at work and told him
the girl of his dreams was home in bed and ready for anything.
    The  next  day  his  friends  asked  him how things had gone. "Very
strange," he replied. "I slipped out of my clothes  and  got  in  beside
her.  She  was  cold,  so  I tried to warm her up. Then I bit her on the
neck, but she just farted a few times and flew out the window!"

** 056
    A conductor, while taking tickets on the train, noticed a lady with
a small and extremely ugly baby on her lap. "Lady," the conductor  said,
"that is by far the ugliest baby I have ever seen."
    The woman, horrified by the conductor's comment, began screaming at
him, and demanded that her money be refunded and the conductor be fired.
    The head conductor then came into  the  car  and  tried  to  smooth
things over. "Listen, lady," he said, "if you will forget all about this
matter, I'll see that you get the best treatment possible, I'll give you
your  money  back, and I'll even try to find you a nice, ripe banana for
that monkey of yours."

** 057
    Three  elderly women, recently transplanted from the Northeast to a
Florida retirement  community,  were  getting  acquainted  at  poolside.
Inevitably, their conversation turned to children.
    "My son is the most successful doctor on  Park  Avenue,"  announced
    Not to be outdone,  the  second  remarked,  "My  son  is  the  most
successful lawyer on Wall Street."
    The third remained conspicuously silent. Sensing easier  game,  the
first matron inquired, "And you, dear, do you have a son?"
    "And is he a professional?" demanded the second.
    "Well, not exactly," answered the third. "Actually, he's a plumber.
And not only that, he's gay."
    Beaming, one of the poor woman's interrogators offered consolation:
"Ah, he's not doing so well."
    This  time  it  was the third woman who smiled. "He's not doing too
badly," she explained. "He goes out with the most successful  doctor  on
Park Avenue and the most successful lawyer on Wall Street."

** 058
    An Eastern newspaper correspondent  had  just  arrived  in  an  old
Western town when he noticed a curious lack of women.
    Walking into the local saloon he asked a cocky shitkicker, "What do
you fellas do around here for entertainment?"
    "Ya mean women?" asked the shitkicker. "We ain't got  none.  'Round
here folks fuck sheep."
    "That's disgusting," cried the correspondent, "I've never heard  of
such moral degredation."
    However,  after  a  few  months,  the  correspondent's  rocks  were
beginning to ache and the sheep were looking more and more attractive.
    So he finally went out and found himself a  comely  sheep,  brought
her  back  to his room, shampooed her and then tied ribbons in her hair.
After a bottle of champagne, he lured the sheep into his bedchamber  and
released his pent-up frustrations.
    Afterward, he escorted his four-legged lover to the  saloon  for  a
drink. As the correspondent and his wooly mate entered, a hush fell over
the patrons and the anxious couple became the object of many stares.
    "You  goddamn  bunch  of  hypocrites!" the reporter yelled. "You've
been fucking sheep for years, but when I do it up right you look  at  me
like I'm some sort of crazy pervert!"
    One cowboy in the back of the crowd spoke up, "Yeah, but that's the
sheriff's gal!"

** 059
    Did you hear about the computer salesman with two red ears who went
to  the  doctors  office?  The doctor asked him what had happened to his
    "I  was ironing a shirt and the phone rang," answered the salesman.
"But instead of picking up the phone I picked up the iron and  stuck  it
to my ear."
    "Damn," the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But then, what happened
to your other ear?"
    The salesman replied, "Whoever it was called back."

** 060
    A  grungy old lumberjack, in town for the first time in weeks, went
to the local brothel and demanded the  roughest,  toughest  and  meanest
girl  in the house. "That'll be Mary," said the madam. "Go to Room Four,
and I'll send her up."
    "Fine,"said  the  lumberjack,"and  tell  her  to  bring a couple of
    In  due time, Mary appeared. She put the two bottles of beer on the
floor, took off her negligee, positioned herself on her hands and  knees
and pointed to her pussy.
    "No! No!" exclaimed the lumberjack. "In the bed, the  old-fashioned
    "Sure, pal," grunted Mary, "but I thought ya  might  want  to  open
them beers first."

      On the first Day

    In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and null,
    and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of IBM
    was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, "Let there be
    registers"; and there were registers. And DEC saw that they carried;
    and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called the data
    Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was evening
    and there was morning, one interrupt...

The wedding night should be like a good chicken meal -
       - a little bit of breast
       - a little bit of leg
       ..... and a lot of stuffing !!!

Treat the Bride like a new car, go easy for the first 500.

Forecast for Wedding...
       Expected development of Warm front, with extreme
       turbulence and moisture in lower regions.
       Good possibility of six inches overnight.
       Sun(son) is expected later on.

Love is a thousand miles long but comes in six inch instalments.

Easy on the throttle, steady on the gears, roll her over gently
and She'll last for many years.

If you don't want the Stork to come, Shoot in the air.

Hope you honeymoon is like a train ride through the Khyber Pass,
One long hard route.

Don't go on your honeymoon for longer than 5 days,
or you will get a Weak End (Weekend).

Two IRA men are on their way to plant a bomb
1: What happens if the bomb goes off before we get there?
2: Don't worry, I've got a spare one in the car.

Q: Whats the fastest game in the world?
A: Pass the parcel in a Belfast pub.

Somebody asking a cop:
- Can I...
- Yes, you can.
- Can I...
- Yes, you CAN!
- Oh, it means I MAY...

Русская веpсия этого анекдота известна всем, а на этом пpимеpе в школе об'ясняли
pазличие между MAY и CAN. Давно...

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